All language subtitles for The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs S30E01 Satans Little Helper 1080p WEB-DL AAC2 0 H 264-BFM_track3_[eng]

♪

-♪ Hey, everybody,
have you heard the news? ♪

♪ Joe Bob is back in town ♪

♪ He's over at the drive-in,
hanging around ♪

♪ Watching crazy movies,
so come on down ♪

♪ To Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Blood, beasties,
boobies, and more ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's a spooky good time
with monsters and ghosts ♪

♪ Crazy, kooky fun with
the world's greatest host ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be legendary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ It's gonna be very scary ♪

♪ Joe Bob's
"Last Drive-In" show ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪

-Welcome, everybody
to "Joe Bob's Beelzebub Bash,"

our annual
double-feature celebration

of our favorite night
of the year.

The night when the spirit world

and the fleshly world
get way too close

and dead people start
crossing over

and living people start
freaking out.

And the ruler of the night

in most versions
of Halloween is Satan,

and we thought it was about time
to honor the tempter of mankind,

the Master of Hell,
the Prince of the Devil's.

And Darcy, that is the most
amazing Satan mask ever created,

and it was used
in the first movie

that we're watching tonight,
"Satan's Little Helper."

Or wait...

Are you indeed
Darcy the Mail Girl?

How can we know?
Give us a sign. Oh, okay.

Yeah, okay. Alright.
I'll accept that.

Darcy the Mail Girl,
ladies and gentlemen,

here to accept your tweets,
your emails,

your insta's, your TikToks,

your letters sent by people

who cut letters
out of magazines

and paste them on a page.

And she will be tweeting
all night

and spreading
satanic spirit all night.

Right, Darcy?
Alright.

Satan is evil,
but Satan is also sexy, right?

[Laughter]

We know that from our annual
Walpurgisnacht celebration

where the witches fly
to the bracken

to dirty dance with the devil.

And Darcy has been there twice

and debauched
with the debauchies.

Right?

[Laughter]

Alright.

I'm gonna ask you
questions all night.

And so we're just
going to play charades, okay?

Alright. Oh, man.

Who are we talking about
when we talk about Satan?

If we go to
the Hebrew Scriptures,

which is where the name
Satan first appears,

we're talking
about an angel named Lucifer

who was the most beautiful
of all the angels.

He was a Chippendales dancer
with a body

like Michelangelo's David.

And he partied so hard that he
developed delusions of grandeur.

And during one of his record
setting gang bangs or something,

he got cast into hell
with his posse of demons

for trying to be greater
than God.

And ever since then, his message
has been, "Hey, let's party!"

And his second message has been,

"There's an open bar
at the party,

but you have to pay to leave."

And of course, we know this
from the story of Faust,

where Mephistopheles gives
Faust 24 years

of getting whatever
he wants power, sex, money,

unlimited first-class
air travel, athletic prowess,

67 million followers
on Instagram

who admire his deltoids and
lol every joke he ever makes.

And then,
hey doc, it's payday,

and somebody revokes
his backstage pass.

And, uh, speaking of which,

the guy who plays the dad
in this movie

we're about to watch
Wass Stevens is the guy's name.

Used to be the doorman
at this nightclub

called Avenue
on 10th Avenue

in New York City
in the Meatpacking District.

He is permanently banned
from the Drive-in Academy Awards

because apparently,
my western apparel

was not cool enough
to get into Avenue.

So, yes, I got turned away
at the velvet rope

by a minor player
in "Satan's Little Helper."

I will live with the humiliation
the rest of my life.

So sorry for that digression.
Alright.

[Laughs]

You Darcy,
on the other hand,

you would have sailed right in
with that mask and that dress.

You would have got into
Avenue easily.

Alright, because you know
how to rock the red carpet.

You do that all the time.

Anyway, as I was saying,
this is Satan's night.

This is the night
when he runs around,

luring people into
various stages of depravity.

And the reason
he's able to do that

is everybody is wearing a mask.

It's like the one day
of the year

when you're not going to be
responsible for anything you do.

And my buddy Jeff Lieberman
took that idea --

the idea that you never really
know who anybody is on a day

when the whole world
is cosplaying --

and he didn't just run with it,
he launched it into outer space.

So this is one of your favorite
all time pictures.

Right, Darcy? [Laughs]

You are so
into that mask.

[Laughter]

You are loving that mask
too much.

You're like on an LSD trip that
involves naked trampoline tricks

and hypodermic needles
used like water guns

at the blood beach, so.

[Laughter]

You don't know what I said?

I don't know
what I said, alright.

Anyway, Jeff Lieberman is going
to join us here later tonight

and reveal the origin story
of "Satan's Little Helper"

and perform several
satanic rites on Darcy.

You know,
I think it's what he said.

Anyway, we'll ask him
when he gets out here.

And in the meantime...

I know.
I know what that gesture means.

You don't have to tell me,
alright.

In the meantime,
what we have here

is the sensitive story

of little 9-year-old
Dougie Whooly,

who just wants to go
trick-or-treating

with his big sister Jenna,

and also find Satan,

the star of his hand-held
video game

called Satan's Little Helper.

Dougie loves the game so much

that he's gone all in
on the idea

of being the best little helper

the Prince of Darkness
has ever had.

Only Jenna comes home
from college

with her new boyfriend Alex,
making Dougie distraught.

So Dougie goes out
to find Satan on his own.

He comes across a guy
in a vaguely devil-like costume,

arranging dead bodies on a lawn.

And before you can say,
"Hail, Satan!"

Dougie's bringing
a serial killer home

and tagging along
on a murder spree.

Sure, we've seen it before,

but have we seen it
with Amanda Plummer

in a Carmen Miranda costume
with her mouth taped shut?

I think not.

Let's take a look at
those Drive-In totals.

We have 15 dead bodies,

4 breasts, 1 dead cat,

candy poisoning,

punch poisoning,

disembowelment,
death by packing tape,

one self-inflicted
gunshot wound,

butcher knife to the stomach,

Fireplace poker to the head,

1 unhealthy fascination
with Satan,

1 unwelcome boyfriend.

1 Renaissance slut...

[Laughter]

...who has a costume
entirely necessary to the plot,

I might add,

panty sniffing,

dead cat finger painting,

groping under false pretenses,

serial-killer-supply shopping,

stabbing,
old-lady hanging,

pharmaceutical appropriation,

shopping cart fu.

Drive-In Academy Award
nominations for --

Alexander Brickel as Dougie,

for being best buddies
with Satan, and for saying,

"We're going to find Satan
and I'll show him

what a good little helper I am."

Katheryn Winnick
as Dougie's sister Jenna,

for wearing the Renaissance
slut costume and for saying,

"I can't believe
my own mother

is trying to turn me
into a whore."

Amanda Plummer as the neurotic
mom for acting her heart out --

she's just great in this --

while wrapped in packing,
packing tape

and for saying,
"Actually, I was just stoned."

Joshua Annex,

who steals the show as Satan

for one of the greatest
wordless,

faceless performances ever,

and Jeff Lieberman,
the writer-director,

for being so politically
incorrect he gets a laugh

for assaulting
an old lady using a walker.

Four stars --
Joe Bob says, "Check it out."

[Chuckles]

And I would say, Darcy,

that between us we represent

the two classic
Satanic approaches.

You like the beard?

[Laughter]

See this -- This is --
This is Satan's appearance

when he's being smooth
and charming

and seducing people into evil.

What, you don't like the beard?

Alright, alright.

And then your costume is

when you look right
into the face of Satan,

you know, it's Satan.

Sometimes you're staring
at a goat head or something,

but below the neck, you got
that come-hither thing going on.

And so --
And so you come-hither.

Um, or you you might be Lilith,
actually.

The, um...
What do you call her?

She's the primordial she-demon.

Lilith was the first feminist.

Actually -- Actually...

Satan in the form of a serpent
was the first feminist.

Because the --
What does the serpent say?

The serpent said,
eat the goddamn apple.

He's not the boss of you. Right?

And so Satan is the first
to say,

women are not here for
your amusement, Mr. Big Shot.

And so Eve eats the apple

from the tree of knowledge
of good and evil,

and we get
all the problems of the world.

I love it when you can't talk,
Lilith.

[Laughter]

♪

[Evil chuckling]

♪

[Woman screams]

♪

-10 points. 50 points.

Bonus points.
100 points.

Mom, he's ripping his guts out.

[Evil chuckling]

Oh, guardian angel.
Crap.

Oh, no, God's getting us.

[Soft music playing]

♪

♪

Mom, there's a blind man.
Oh, nice.

♪

♪

Yes. Cool.

50 points.

♪

10 points.

50 points.

I'm getting so good
at being helper...

-Dougie, shh, I'm on the phone.

-Can I play online,
if all my homework's done?

-Yeah, Betty.

No, I'm in the car.

I'm going to pick up Jenna
at the ferry.

She came home to spend
Halloween with her brother.

Is that true love or what?

-Jenna's my girlfriend.
I'm gonna marry her.

-He says he's gonna marry her.
-Yeah!

-I don't think they got up
to the word "incest"

in the third grade yet.

-You said "sex."
-I said "incest."

And don't be so snoopy.
Play your game.

She always takes Dougie
out on Halloween.

She doesn't want
to break the tradition.

I know.

-When Jenna takes me,
we're gonna find Satan,

and I'm gonna show him
what a good helper I am.

There really is a Satan, right?

-That's why I was calling you.
I do have a costume.

I'm putting together
this Carmen Miranda

and Chiquita Banana type thing.

It came to me in a dream.

Actually, I was stoned.

Huh!

-So is there?
-What? Is there what there?

-A Satan in real life?

-Um, hey, Betty,
can you hold on a sec?

Well...

ah, for man,

Satan represents evil.

And evil does occur here and
everywhere in the whole world.

And so, in that sense,
Satan does exist,

except that he doesn't
look like anything.

He -- He doesn't go
running around

with horns and a tail.

Unless, of course,
he's wearing a costume

like this little helper does.

-Yes!

-Hey, Betty, I see the ferry.

♪

♪

-Jenna!

Jenna!

Jenna!

Jenna!

♪

-Dougie!

♪

[Metal sliding]

-Ahh, Dougie!
-Jenna!

-Oh, I missed you so much.

-Okay, we're gonna find Satan
when we go trick-or-treating.

-We are?
Let's see the costume.

Oh, Satan's Little Helper.
That's so cool.

-Mom made it.
-She did?

Well, then we better find Satan.

-And I can do karate.

-Oh, I'd better watch out.

Oh, Mom.

Where's Dad?
-Oh, he's at work.

-On a Saturday?

-Well, it's either that
or he's having an affair.

-Mom.

-Show me your hands.
Come on, show me.

Oh, you're biting them again.
-Don't embarrass me.

-Mom, Dougie, this is Alex.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-Dougie, I've heard
so much about you.

-We met up at school,
then we discovered

we're both from Bell Island
and both theater majors, too.

-Kind of a Kismet thing.
-I'll say.

-And since I was coming home
for Halloween

and it's Alex's
favorite holiday too,

I figure we can all go
trick-or-treating together.

-No!
-Dougie.

He gets kind of possessive.

-He's had his heart set
on marrying her.

Now, you're a competition.

-Listen, I don't have to go
trick-or-treating with you guys

if it's gonna ruin your plans
with your brother.

-No, no, he just needs
to get used to you.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

[Seagulls squawking]

-So, how is it that you
guys never met before, I mean,

at least in high school?

-Uh, I didn't go
to Bell Island High.

-So what?
You went to boarding school?

Boarding schools suck.
-Dougie.

-Believe me, boarding school
was not my first choice.

-His dad forced him.

-Forced him?
That's not very nice.

By the way,
am I taking you home?

-Actually,
he's coming to our house.

He might stay over.
We're not sure.

-What?
Oh.

[Woman screams]

[Video game playing]

♪

[Horn blows]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Car doors open, closes]

-Dougie, where are you going?

-To find Satan.

And without you.

-Wait!

[Birds chirping]

What's with all this Satan
stuff all of a sudden?

-Oh, your Dad got him
this new video game called

"Satan's Little Helper."

He's got it on this,
on his computer.

[Woman screams]
Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Video game playing]

-Mom.
-What?

-The door?

-Take this, please.

-Alex, our house.

House, meet Alex.

-Nice. Very homey.

-You don't have to do that.

-Oh, I can't help it.

When my dad divorced my mom,

he took one of his girlfriends
with him to Japan.

Brought back the whole
"no shoes in the house" policy.

Beat it into my head ever since.

-Can't wait to see what you've
got for costumes this year.

-Actually,
we don't have anything.

We've been totally racking
our brains

but can't come up with a thing.

-Theater majors, shame on you.

-[Laughs] I know.
It's totally weird.

-Would you like to wear what I
made for myself last Halloween?

-A Renaissance slut?
[Laughs]

I still don't know
what you were thinking.

-Alex, help me here, will you?
She is an actress, isn't she?

-Last I heard.
-Mother, that is so not me.

-Come on, I still have it all
in the attic.

You get undressed.
I'll go look for it.

Alex, make yourself at home.

-[Groans]
-And as soon as we're finished,

I'll see if I can help you out.

If you get bored,
play with this.

-No, Mom.
-Come back here, you.

Come up the stairs.

[Footsteps thudding]

[Woman screams]

[Video game playing]

[Soft music playing]

♪

♪

♪

♪

-What the heck are you
supposed to be, Whooly?

Satan's Little Helper.
That is so gay.

-Just wait till I find Satan
and he sends you all to hell.

Let's see how you laugh then.
-Yeah, right.

[High-pitched cackling]

[Cackling continues]

-Duh.

♪

[Gasps]

[Sinister music playing]

♪

Ah, that is great.

♪

[Giggles]

That looks so real.

Ha. Ohh.

♪

[Birds chirping]

-Oh, my God,
they're like melons.

-Yep, you are a lusty wench.

-I can't let Alex see me
like this. We just met.

I mean, you know,
started dating.

Actually,
it's our first official date,

and I can't believe
my own mother's

trying to turn me into a whore.

-What is this about Alex
not wanting to go home?

-He doesn't get along
with his Dad.

He didn't even tell him
he was coming.

-Why?
-Same old.

He doesn't want him acting.

Wants him to take over
his toupee business.

-His toupee business.
His toupee --

[Both laugh]

You look at --
look at yourself now.

Want some cider?

-Isn't that a bit
too much makeup, my lady?

Nah, the more, the better.

Not that the blokes be looking
at me face

when they got these
tender morsels in their hands.

[Giggles]

♪

[Flies buzzing]

♪

♪

♪

[Children playing]

-Trick or treat!

♪

♪

♪

-Ahh!

♪

[Video game playing]

♪

[Dog whimpering]

[Woman screams]

♪

-Well, what do you think?

-Wow!
-[Chuckles]

-You look stunning.
-Really?

[Giggles]

-I can't believe your mom
wore that for Halloween.

-I know.

Well, what you gonna be
for All Hallows Eve, eh?

-You know, I was just thinking.

Your brother's
so into this game,

maybe I'll dress as Satan
for him for Halloween.

-Oh, that's a great idea.

-I figured, I've lived with
Satan all my life.

It should be easy to draw from
him to get the character down.

-Hey, Alex! Cider?
-Sure.

-Uh, Mom,
Alex got his inspiration.

He's going to be Satan.

-Oh! That's nice.

-I bet this will make Dougie
really happy.

I'm sure he'll start
warming up to you.

-I hope so.

[Chuckles]

-[Giggles]

♪

♪

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

How the hell does he do that?

♪

♪

Crap, that is so cool.

[Giggles]

[Car approaching]

♪

♪

Awesome.

♪

Are you Satan?

Wait!

I'm Douglas Whooly.

Can I be your helper?

Can you talk?

Then why don't you?

'Cause you don't need to?

[Children laughing]

How many points
for killing that old guy?

I forgot.

20? That's all?

So, Master, next,

could we send my sister's new
boyfriend, Alex, down to hell?

They go to college together,
and they're at my house.

And I only want to go

trick-or-treating
with my sister.

And you don't have to worry
'cause my dad's away at work.

♪

♪

Afraid God might see us?

♪

So, can you?

And can I be your helper?

♪

This is gonna be so fun.

♪

[Teapot whistling]

-Well, let's just let this cider
cool off a bit.

-Thanks, Jim.
This Halloween marks...

-Oh, look, Billy Flarin.

-...Billy Flarin
arson incident.

Mayor Flarin assures us that
this time around he's going...

-He went to my high school.
-...to keep a close eye

on his son, adding
that Billy has been born again

and poses no threat
to the community.

Nevertheless, fire officials
are advising

residents of Bell Island

to extinguish all candles
from outside their homes.

Lisa G, WNTC News.

-Bet you didn't have
any arsonists at your school.

-No, I guess I missed out.

-I'm gonna go get us
some special cider mugs.

-She's so weird.
I'm sorry. [Laughs]

♪

-I need to show you something.

♪

If you need me to do karate,
I can.

Look.

Hyah!

Was that good?

This could be our secret door
to Hell.

[Door creaking]

So cool.

♪

[Door creaking]

♪

♪

I hide down here all the time.

I can make all the noise I want,
and no one hears me.

♪

[Light creaking]

♪

♪

♪

♪

You can have some.

Are you wearing a costume

so no one could see
what you really look like?

Just like me?

Can I see?

[Sighs]

Okay.

[Bottle shatters]
[Laughs]

Oh! That so looks like blood!

[Laughing]

-That is 9-year-old
Alexander Brickel

as Dougie, the Satan lover.

And you know, you can go
so wrong in a movie like this

with child actors.

But that kid is amazing,
so believable, so committed.

The movie has a great cast.

His sister,
the sister he wants to marry,

I mean,
the movie is three minutes old

and they're already talking
about incest.

Oh, that's how you kind of know
it's a Jeff Lieberman film.

It's off center. It's weird.

He has a lot in common
with Larry Cohen, I think.

Anyway, the sister Doogie
wants to marry is played

by Katheryn Winnick,
Toronto model turned actress

who was just getting started

when she was cast
in "Satan's Little Helper."

She grew up
in a Ukrainian family.

She didn't even speak English

until she was 8 years old
in Etobicoke, Ontario.

And then she went to New York
and did a lot of modeling

and a lot of TV,
and was on the initial season

of "The It Factor" on Bravo.

You know, the reality series

about young actors
trying to make it.

Only ran for two seasons,

but it was kind of popular
at the time.

Anyway, she was the kind of
confident personality

who got cast in a lot of shows,
but while she was in New York,

she started taking
acting seriously,

and she studied
with William Esper,

who was one of the
first generation

Meisner technique guys.

Very serious work,

and you can sort of see

how effortless her work
has become in this movie.

She would later become
well known

for the "Vikings" series
as Lagertha.

Um, hard to get noticed
as one of the women

in a show about vikings,

but somehow she managed
to do that.

Maybe because she's a black belt
in both taekwondo and karate

and a licensed bodyguard.

But she also starred in
the recent David Kelley series

"Big Sky" on ABC.

And then, of course, the mom
is played by Amanda Plummer.

Always quirky,
always interesting.

We talked about her a lot
when we showed "Freeway."

She was the crackhead mom
in that.

And you know,

if you're going to make a movie
that has Satan in it,

you have got to have
the world's best Satan mask.

And I think they nailed it,
Darcy.

That thing is awesome.

[Laughter]

But why are we talking
about acting?

When I promised a tribute
tonight to the father of lies,

the accuser, the enemy,
the God of this world,

the ruler of the kingdom
of the air,

the evil one, the tempter,
the old snake,

the great dragon,
the prince of this world,

the Prince of Darkness,
the hater of humanity,

the deceiver, the destroyer,

the robber,
the misanthrope host,

the spirit
hovering above matter,

the hater of beauty,
the ape of God,

the chief spirit of evil,
The adversary of God,

the tempter of mankind,

Baphomet, the Antichrist,
the master of hell,

the Prince of Devils,
the Lord of the flies,

Moloch, Lucifer the dragon,
the serpent,

the inventor of spam email.

You know what I love
about that mask, Darcy?

You can't stop me!
You can't do anything.

The wicked one,

the big ass demon bro,
you know? [Laughs]

Alright,
we obviously need Satan.

That's why he has
that many names.

I think it's
because if you don't have Satan,

there's nobody to blame.

You know, "Satan made me do it"
is actually recognized

by forensic psychiatrists
as a real thing.

Schizophrenics
sometimes hear voices

that they identify with Satan.

But if you introduce that
in court,

you know, this felony,
Your Honor, was caused by voices

that the defendant heard
and believed to be Satan.

If you introduce that in court,

you know how many times
you'll win your case?

Zero!

[Laughter]

No judge or jury
has ever accepted

"Satan made me do it"
as a viable defense,

even though it exists
in mental health studies.

Um, right now Satan
is making me wind this up

and get back to the movie.

So let's roll it.

This is so fun
that you can't talk.

[Laughter]

"Halloween III" sucks.

[Laughter]

"Scream" sucks.

[Laughter]

You're not gonna react to that.

I just insulted "Scream."

What kind of Satan are you?

I mean...

Actually, you're kind of scary
when you don't react.

That's like you're saving it.

Dang, Darcy, I mean...

You know
I'm just kidding around.

I didn't...

I didn't mean it, you know?

I love "Scream."
I didn't...

"Halloween III," genius.

That was...

Uh...

That was really, really stupid
of me to do that.

[Laughter]

♪

-Is Dougie back yet?

-Dougie!

Dougie!

-I'm down here!
In hell!

-Well, come on up!

Alex wants to tell you
something!

-Okay, I'll get him
to come downstairs,

and then you can...
gsskk!

Duh. What kind of helper
do you think I am?

[Footsteps approaching]

-[Laughs]
Did you find Satan?

-No.
Come downstairs.

I have to show you something.

-Well, what's up?
-Just something.

-Oh, no, now, don't pull on him.

You're gonna make him
spill his cider.

Now, everyone,
into the dining room, please.

Drink your cider
in the dining room.

You want some?
-No!

-Well, just go into the dining
room and sit with your sister.

She came all the way
just to see you.

Go on.

-So, Dougie...

how about I dress as Satan
for Halloween?

You could be my little helper,
like in the video game.

We can join forces.
-No!

-Why not?

You and Alex could be
the Satan team from hell

and scare everybody
when you go trick-or-treating.

-I need you to come
with me to the costume store.

As my official helper,
I'm afraid that's an order.

-That's an order.

-Okay.

So I'll go with Alex
to the costume store,

and you stay here with Mom.

But wait just one second.

-[Shouts]

-[Chuckles]

-[Sniffing]

-[Whispering]
Psst, Master.

It's your helper.

Okay, it's all changed.

I'll go with Alex
to the costume store.

You just follow us,
and when we come out,

you can just kill him
and send him back to hell.

Okay?

Yes!

[Footsteps departing]

-[Sniffing]

-Come on. Let's go.

-Well, I guess we better
get going.

-Don't be too long.

-I'll see you later.

-[Laughs]

♪

[Chuckles]
Look, they're bonding.

Isn't that cute?

[Laughs]

-Will you stop biting...

-Mm-mnh!
[Laughs]

Wait till you see
what an incredible actor he is.

He is going to be so scary.

-Sounds like
you really like him.

-What makes you say that?
-[Laughs]

-Are you jealous, you wench?
-Oh!

-Ow!
-Ow!

♪

-Ow! [Laughs]

♪

♪

-Allah be praised.

-Hmm...

Jerk.

♪

-Alright, Dougie,
this is the place.

You coming?
Come on.

[Door creaks]

[Bell jangles]

[Indistinct conversations]

Alright, let's see
what we have here.

-[Sighs]

-How's this?
-That's not Satan.

[Indistinct chatter]

-[Sighs]

I'm trying to find the one
that looks most like my dad.

-Why?

-So I can draw on him
for inspiration.

♪

This is perfect.

[Exhales heavily]

[Deep voice]
Where's my toupee?

-[Scoffs]

-Here it is.

-Come on.

[Horn honks]

-Hey, Satan!

Where's your pitchfork?
[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

[Tires screech]

[Horn honking]

[Bell jangles]

-What, you think you're
gonna be a big movie star?

You're gonna be a big nothin',
that's all!

-Do you hate him?

-[Normal voice]
Well, actually, no,

but he sure hates me.

-Does he hit you?

-[Sighs]

Whenever he gets a chance,
yeah.

-Come on.

Let's just pay for that,
and let's go.

-Alright.

[Door creaks, bell jangles]

-Come on. Let's go.

-Wait, hold on. Hold on.
-Come on.

Come on!

-[Deep voice]
Okay, let's go!

♪

-Come on!
Come on, it's him!

Get him!
-How's he gonna get me?

I'm Satan.

Okay, so, what did you
want to show me?

-Just something!

-Well, where is it?

-You'll see soon enough.

Better watch out.
Satan's getting you!

-[Normal voice]
I don't get it!

I don't get it. How's he gonna
get me if I'm Satan?

I don't get it.

♪

[Grunting]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Cat meowing]

[Meowing continues]

♪

♪

[Cat yowls]

[Blood spluttering]

-Boo!
[Laughter]

-Uh, pardon me.

Can you pose for a picture?

[Children giggling]

[Laughter]

Thank you so much.
You made our day.

♪

♪

-Okay. Yeah.

Smashing the cat
against the wall

so you can use it
as a graffiti device

to write boo in its blood.

Uh, we're not going to get
any happy fan mail for that one.

When I said the movie is
politically incorrect,

it is politically incorrect
in all ways.

And what did you think
of the cat abuse, Darcy?

[Laughter]

Well, obviously this is
a particularly nasty satanist.

It's interesting to me

that the Church of Satan
still exists today.

Nobody -- Nobody
much remembers him today.

But a guy named
Anton Szandor LaVey

founded the Church of Satan
in San Francisco in 1966,

and then he went Hollywood.

He was always recruiting
movie stars to be members,

and he was a day player
in several movies himself,

"Rosemary's Baby,"
"Devil's Reign,"

and he was a big believer
in all kinds of kinky sex.

It was the '60s, you know,
and he thought carnality,

as he called it, was
a big part of being a Satanist.

And then after he died,

a guy named Peter Gilmore
became the high priest,

and he moved the headquarters
from San Francisco

to Poughkeepsie, New York.

What?!

The Satanic Church
cannot be in Poughkeepsie.

You know, that is just wrong.

And they got rid of
the kinky sex,

and they talked about how they
don't really worship the devil.

And it's all about,
"atheism, pride and liberty."

Well, dang people,
that's boring.

You can do that
without using the devil.

Um, if you're going to worship
the devil,

worship the gall dang devil.

You know, light some candles,
draw some pentagrams,

make some blood oaths.

Why do you need Satan
to do -- to do atheism?

And in fact,
listen to this quote.

This -- This is from some kind
of official Satanist document.

"Satan to us
is a symbol of pride,

liberty and individualism,

and it serves as an external
metaphorical projection

of our highest
personal potential.

We do not believe in Satan
as a being or a person."

Then get out of here!

You know, I want to hear from
the church that does serious,

committed devil worship,
you know?

If you belong to a church like
that, let me know about you.

I'm done with
Anton Szandor LaVey people.

But you know who
I want to talk to about Satan?

Actually, I want to talk to him
about anything.

It's the guy who just walked
out of the costume shop

in a Saddam Hussein mask
saying, "Allah be praised."

You know who I'm talking about?

I'm talking about
writer/director Jeff Lieberman.

Come on over, Jeff.
-Yeah!

[Laughter]

Good Saddam Hussein.

[Laughter]

-I think he says salam alaykum
-Have a seat.

[Laughing]

Is that what you said?
-Yeah.

-Oh, thank you for lending us

the Satan Man mask
for the night.

[Laughs]

Um, since it's one
of Darcy's favorite movies,

she's having a life moment,
uh, even as we speak.

But tell me
where you found that mask.

Or did -- did your effects
guy build a mask,

or did you find it?

No, I was writing the script,

stoned and I pictured --

I said, this guy

has to be evil and fun
at the same time, this duality.

And I went through masks
just to have a template.

And I went on, you know,
the mask stores online

and all the shit.

And boom, I saw El Diablo.
I said, that's it.

I printed him out and put them
on my wall behind my computer.

And everything I wrote,

he was doing all these gestures,

so I had to get that mask
and they got it.

-Where did you find the mask?
-Online.

There was a guy --
-Okay, was it just for sale?

-Well, yeah,
it was for sale for $340.

Now, if you would have told
the guy this is a movie,

"Satan's Little Helper,"
and this is Satan,

it's not going to be $340.

So I said to them, don't tell.

We'll buy a lot of masks
for the movie.

And this is just one of them.

-Okay.
-And that's what we did.

-So you got it for $320.

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-Well, we bought two of them.

This is the main one
that you see in the movie.

And then when we had stunts,

we had a similar one
without the detail.

-Okay.

Well, we were recently
together in London, Ontario

for a screening
of your other movie

that's having a resurgence
in popularity,

"Just Before Dawn,"

which is a slasher
that you deny as a slasher.

But that's okay,

because it's a
really good slasher

that we will watch
in spite of your denial.

And I know your whole thing
about being --

You don't like the word
"slasher," right?

Even though you made a slasher.
-Well, it's not the word.

But it's applying that label
to my sacred movie.

[Laughter]

Groundbreaking, pioneering,
first of its kind? No.

Otherwise, slash away.
-In your -- In your defense.

The term slasher had
not been invented

when you made that movie.
-That's right.

-But really,
since we're here in Georgia,

I have to ask you about
"Squirm,"

because "Squirm"
was your first feature.

Filmed in rural Georgia, right?

Filmed right around here
somewhere?

-No,
it was outside of Savannah.

A little town called
Port Wentworth.

-Okay.
-And I changed it to Fly Creek.

Fictional.
-Okay.

But in the age of "Jaws,"
when people were trying

to come up with
the scariest killer creatures

they could think of,
you chose worms,

earthworms.

And you made it work
by using millions and millions

of slimy earthworms
in your movie.

And there's a whole cult
around "Squirm" today.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, when I wrote
the script, there was no "Jaws."

-Oh, you wrote it before "Jaws"?

-Yeah, when I wrote it, yeah.
-Okay.

'Cause most of those killer
creature movies came out after.

-Well, that -- I don't --
I don't work that way, so.

So it was just that,
um, "Jaws" came out

before my movie came out.

-Alright, well,
Jeff, we're going to go into

your interesting career.

Uh, would you call it
an oddball career?

Because it's, like,
all over the lot, you know,

or a strange career for --

Because you're just,
like, in every single genre.

-I don't think they have a word.
-You know.

There's no word for your career?
-No word. Whatever you want.

-As the night goes on, we're
going to talk about your career.

But we're also going
to talk about Satan.

Now, did you have any
real interest in Satan,

or was that
just a great horror hook

for this guy in a Satan
costume?

-Neither, actually.

Um, it was, uh,
Santa's little helper.

It's a cliche.
-Santa's little helper?

-Santa's little helper.
So that's a cliche.

So I said, what if you made it
Satan's little helper,

what would it be?

And I immediately pictured.

You know how kids as
Santa's little helper,

they write letters
to the North Pole

and they give it
to the post office.

So I said, I wrote this letter,

"Dear Satan, would you kill...?"
This is how it started.

And he takes it
and flushes it down the toilet

to send it down to hell, right?

-Oh, okay.
-And then I'm thinking, "Okay.

File that away in your sick
brain, you're going to use it."

And then, um, my 50th
Halloween party at my house,

I invited, you know,
so many show business people.

So they all
full out costume party, right?

I thought I knew everybody
that was there.

And there's one guy
after everybody's drunk and high

and everything, a gorilla comes,
walks into the party,

Full out gorilla, right?
-Yeah.

-And he starts dancing
with the women

and, you know,
and then he put on music

and he was taking
over dancing with me.

And I'm thinking, "Oh,
I know it's this asshole guy

that would do just."

This is what -- He'd put on
a gorilla costume.

This is what he would do.

Then I see that guy.

I went,
Who the F-curse-word is this?

And I try to get my wife.

Half my brain was going,

"This is probably cool.
Don't make a fool of yourself."

And the other half of trying to
get her attention to call 911,

because somebody just walked
into the apartment

and it turned out
it was a Gorilla Gram.

Do you remember
Charles Rocket, the actor?

-Yeah.
-Charlie Rocket.

Well, he couldn't make it
from LA,

so he sent me a Gorilla Gram

without realizing
it's a costume.

Because he was invited.
He couldn't make it.

But he didn't put
two and two together.

The gorilla came.
If it was on a Tuesday,

I'd go, "Ah, Charlie Rocket
probably sent me," so that's --

And then I went, okay,
there's a movie there.

And I put those two together
and here we are.

-And then you wrote the movie.
Alright, well, stay with us.

But right now,
Jenna's boyfriend

just got the living crap beat
out of him by Satan.

And his battered body
was so cute that a mom

and her children
took a Halloween photo of Satan

beaming over his body.

So let's see what
additional mayhem you can create

in "Satan's Little Helper."

Roll it.

And Darcy,
are you okay in there?

Okay.
-[Laughs]

-The actual Satan Man
in the movie

was played by Joshua Annex.

We should give him credit.

Was it was Joshua an actor
or a stunt man

or just a homeless guy.

-He was just a mime.
He was all of those things.

No, he was not a stunt man.
We had to have a stunt man.

But he was a mime.

-A mime?
-A mime.

Which is perfect for that,
you know?

And, uh, a dancer.

-Okay.
-He has good moves and stuff.

-Alright.
Jeff, you're a genius.

Thank you.

[Laughter]

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-[Laughs]
Where's Alex?

[Door closes]
Did he get the costume?

-Yup.
-And?

Well, where is he?

-Helpers don't
tell on their masters.

-So you boys
are into this game already.

-I can see your boomies.

-You're more like
Satan's little pervert.

[Doorbell ringing]

Ahh.
That would be my laddie now.

-That's not your laddie.

-Oh, right.
Your master.

[Chuckles]

[Screaming]

That is so fantastic!

Oh, sh--

Mom, come see Alex!

You won't believe it!

♪

Mmm.

-Nowhe'slooking at your
boomies.

-Feast your eyes on them,
me good lord,

while we have this little dance.

-This is so fun.

-Jenna, I got cherries!

I got bananas!
I got grapes!

But I'm not sure
about the onions.

[Laughing]
What do you think?

-Mmm.
-[Laughing] My God.

[Laughter]

Oh, I gotta get a camera.

Oh!

-[Giggles]

Mmm.

[Laughing]

[Door slams]
[Laughing]

♪

Alex?

♪

[Singsong voice]
Alex.

Come here.

♪

Listen, I love that mask.

It looks --
[Door slams]

[Chuckles]

Me lord Satan,

we be feelin' a wee bit frisky,
now, aren't ya?

♪

[Giggles]

♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪

Come here.

I can't be kissing latex,

so off with your --

God, you're really into this,
aren't you?

♪

Well, then have it your way.

♪

[Laughs]
No more.

♪

Alex.

-Jenna, is he getting you?

-[Whimpers]
Alex...

[Gasps]

-That's really just pretend,
right?

-Yeah.
Of course it is.

We're just playing a game.

-But that's not Alex.

-Oh. Right.

It's Satan.
[Chuckles]

-[Laughs]

-Me Lord of Darkness

will have to keep it
in his britches for now.

[Giggles]

Ahh!

-Run!

-Wah!
[Laughs]

-Don't get her!
She's my sister!

Jenna, run!

-[Giggles]

-Jenna, hide before he gets you!

-Okay, where?
Here?

[Laughs]

Ohh, he's scary.

[Door closes]

-He's locking the door.
[Lock engages]

-Hmm.
-[Chuckles]

[Laughing]
Whoa.

[Laughs]

-Hey, what did you stop for?

It was an amazing picture.

Come on. Dance.

-[Laughs]

[Camera shutter clicks]
-Alex, that's too weird.

Stop.

Would you say something?

-He doesn't talk.

He doesn't have to.

Come on and see my room.

It's really cool.

Come on.

-[Gasps]

[Laughing]

[Laughing]
I can't...

[Both laugh]

-Isn't that the creepiest thing
you ever saw,

the way he just stares at you

and you have to figure out
what he's thinking?

-[Chuckles]

Ah, love, huh?

-Mmm.

♪

-[Giggling]

♪

♪

[Doorbell ringing]
-[Laughs]

-Aw, damn it.
I forgot all about it.

Because I was concentrating
on picking you up at the ferry,

it completely slipped my mind.

Money's gonna have to do.

Hello! Hello!

Happy Halloween!
-Trick or treat!

-I have no candy,
but I have a dollar bill for you

and a dollar bill for you.

-Thank you!
-Thank you!

-Yeah.
Happy Halloween.

-Thank you
-Bye!

Ooh, yes.

You know, maybe I have some
candy left over from last year.

-Oh, you're not serious.

That's gross.

-Not if it's sealed.
It'll be fine.

-Eww.

-It's so fun how my sister
thinks you're Alex

and then you pretend to get her.

[Laughs]

I didn't think you'd come back

because Halloween
is your busiest time.

But you'd rather spend it
with me?

[Laughs]

Let me show you.

I'm getting to be
the best helper.

I'm getting so good.

[Woman screams]
[Evil chuckling]

♪

[Laughs]

Come on. Come on!

Recognize anyone
from your family?

[Beeping]

-I can't believe you have
absolutely no candy.

-Well, look a little harder.
Um...

-Oh, that's gross.

So, what are you doing tonight?

-Me?
You remember the Andersons?

The rented Bell Tower Castle
for a Halloween party.

-Mm, fun.

-Wait till you see
what I'm wearing.

-[Chuckles]

-Quiche.

I am supposed to bring
the quiche.

-Okay, no candy.
Just these.

-Well, what am I supposed
to do about it?

I'm out, out of dollar bills.

The little buggers are going
to be egging the house.

-Chill, Mom!
No one's egging the house.

-They're gonna be
egging the house.

-Chill!
[Doorbell ringing]

Just make your quiche.

[Doorbell ringing]

[Beeping]

♪

-Don't worry.

It's just some dumb
trick-or-treaters.

[Doorbell ringing]

Is it God?

Master, could God come
as a trick-or-treater?

Oh, crap.

Let's go see.
[Doorbell ringing]

Master, if it's God, I'll tell
him you went back to hell.

Okay?
[Doorbell ringing]

-Trick or treat!
-Coming.

Happy Halloween.
-Happy Halloween.

-Sorry, no candy.
I got two bucks left.

-Thank you!
-Have a good day.

-Jenna, is it God?
[Door closes]

-No, sorry.
Just a witch.

Would me knights
in hellish armor

serve this damsel in distress

and quest for some
sweets at the confectionery?

-Huh?

-Go buy some candy
at the grocers?

-The master doesn't go shopping.

-[Chuckles]
Very good.

[Laughs]

I cannot believe
you're keeping this up.

I'm going to have nightmares.

-Come on.

-Thanks again for doing this
for my brother.

If it was up to me,
you'd get an Oscar.

[Child giggling]

-So, Master,
where'd you put Alex?

Can I see?

Okay.

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

♪

♪

♪

[Grunting]

♪

[Soft jazz music playing]

♪

♪

-Candy's over that way, Master.

♪

[Objects clattering]

♪

Is all that stuff
to tape people up,

kill them,
and spill their guts out?

♪

Awesome!

But not my mom and sister,

even in pretend?

You have to promise!

Make the Satanic Salute.

♪

Wait.

What about the candy?

Whatever I want?

Yes!

♪

♪

[Scanners beeping]

♪

But we didn't pay.

[Laughs]

[Footsteps departing]

[Chuckles]

-Hey, wait a minute!
-He's coming!

[Laughs]

Don't you know anything?

Satan does not have to pay.

I'm his helper, and I say,

for this, you shall die.

-Yeah, well, that's great,
but I'm not playing any games.

[Groans]

-Whoa. Wait till he smells
all the garbage.

See what you get
for disobeying Satan?

20 points!

[Lid slams]

[Chuckling]
Yeah!

Look. A pregnant lady.

[Laughing]
Cool.

[Car alarm blares]
Yeah!

50 points.

Yeah!

Try to hit the baby carriage.

♪

-Ahh!
[Baby cries]

-100 points.

Oh, yeah!
Whoo-hoo!

Yeah!

This is so fun, master.

Over there --
blind man, blind man!

-Argh!

[Groaning]

-Bonus points!

Master,
could you take me to hell?

Sweet!

-Darcy.
Do you know the Satanic salute?

Of course you do.
[Laughs]

Jeff, on that shopping
cart scene in the parking lot,

uh, bonus points
for running over a blind man.

100 points for bashing a baby
carriage with a baby in it.

Uh, you aimed at
the pregnant woman.

I'm not sure
whether you hit her or not.

And we're not even mentioning

the random murder
of a grocery store cashier

who gets tossed
into the dumpster, you know?

So, or the extended scene
where Satan molests Jenna,

whose, uh...

panties he's been sniffing.
-Well, she thinks it's her guy.

-Jeff, you have a panty-sniffing
Satan in your movie.

-I do, I do.
No getting around it.

-He was going to be
in a basement.

You just couldn't avoid
putting --

-Exactly what happened,

there's a lot of things
in that film,

and I wrote it that were
not in the script,

and that was one of them.

We were down in the basement

and he was waiting.

And there was
a basket in front of him

of their laundry.

The people that live there.

-In the location home?

-And he just picked it up
and I went --

I talked to the video village
up in the kitchen, "Roll."

He didn't even know
it was rolling.

He said,
pick them up and sniff them.

And he was and he was doing it.

He had no idea
it was going to be in the film.

-Okay.
-It's called spontaneous.

-You just decided at that moment

because you saw a laundry basket

that your movie needed
some panty sniffing.

-Absolutely.
No question about it.

And the cat --
-Oh, yeah, the cat.

-Well, the cat,
what happened was

he beats up the boyfriend

and he schleps the boyfriend
to the house,

and he props him up on the,
um, on the couch.

and then he's propping it
and propping.

And I was thinking,

the next thing you're
going to see in the film --

And all you filmmakers out there

always think in terms
of what you're going to --

what's the next thing
the audience

is going to see
on the screen.

Easier said than done
because with editing.

And I'm saying the next thing
they're going to see

is ding-dong and his girlfriend
is going to accept him in.

And I said,
he's not sick enough yet.

You've seen him beat up people.

You never saw
him actually kill people,

yet you saw the remnants
of what he did.

I said, he's got to go
major sick right now.

So when he does ding-dong,

you think she's going to
be shredded?

I went cat.

So I said,
"Where am I going to get a cat?"

I told them I need a black cat

and I need a collar,
and I need a bell on the collar.

-A bell?
-Bell and I need it right now.

And I should have spelled out
that any black cat would do.

They got some show business cat
for five grand.

-$5,000 for a cat?
-Yeah.

For a cat that all I'm going to
do is pick up.

They didn't know.

I mean, I don't blame them,
but like, I -- It's my --

I should have said
just get any black cat.

-Give them 50 bucks.
-It was a trained cat?

-Yeah, but it didn't
have to do anything.

It was one --
Because I knew I could do this

because it was my fifth film.

I knew I could do this
in two shots.

Picks up the real cat.

And you hear the little bell.
-Yeah.

-And then the FAO Schwarz
black cat

with the stuffing out of it

and the blood thing
over the shoulder.

This way. Boom.
And you don't see it.

I mean, the people on the set
would go, "Oh!"

They couldn't look at it.

-Did you get some flack
for the cat scene?

-Huge.
-Yeah.

-The film, um, premiered
at the Tribeca Film Festival.

-Yeah.
-And when that --

I mean, there's a lot
of cat lovers.

I'm not one of them.

[Laughter]
There's a lot of cat lovers.

You're a cat lover.

Had I known that,
I wouldn't have hired him.

-[Laughs]
-Um, so...

They said -- The first
thing I did is I came out,

and I knew I got to clear
the air with the cat

because they're going to hate
everything about it.

So I said, "You know,
we only had to kill one cat."

And then, like I waited a beat
and I said,

"Because we got nine takes."

[Laughter]
Right?

And...
-[Laughs]

-Yeah, that's a good way
to stop the controversy.

-Yeah. I mean, you really think
that I'm going to right with it?

I mean, I do draw
the line somewhere, so.

[Laughter]

Oh, was that.
-Grocery cart scene fun?

-Oh, that was --

You know, where I got that from
is when you're a kid, like,

how many points
from running over, you know.

Oh, everybody's done it.

If they say they've
never done it, they're lying.

Right?
-[Laughing]

-Well, how many points
do you get from running over

a nun, and, you know.

So a blind person
is like way up there.

And a pregnant lady?
Come on.

That's the Mickey Mantle
of, uh --

So, um, that's
where I got it from.

-Okay.
Um, now, did you have --

You must have had limited hours
to use the kid, right?

-Oh, yeah.

-And were his parents there
watching all this...

-His mother was around.
-...awful stuff you're doing?

-Oh, yeah. She thought --
-His mother was there?

She said you're hysterical.

You're a genius.
All positive stuff.

-She said all positive stuff?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-The kid is now like,
what, 30?

He's like 30 something,
and he's --

He looks like Frank Zappa.

-Oh, yeah?
-Just like Frank Zappa.

I saw a picture of him.
-Okay.

Why in the year 2004,

do you suddenly decide
to make a horror flick after,

what, 30 years away
from the horror genre?

You were doing other stuff,
I mean.

But yeah, you know,

why do you suddenly decide
to go back to horror?

-What is it --
I did "Remote Control" in '87.

-"Remote Control" in '87.
'87.

-Okay.
-It's not -- What is it?

-25 years, yeah.
-25. Alright.

Anyway, um, I my
other films started to catch on

in new generation, big time.

So I got involved in --
-Oh, your older films?

-Yeah. I mean, I was doing --
-Okay.

I wrote
"The Neverending Story III."

How lame mainstream
could you get?

-Yeah.
-You know?

-Well, you know,
the other Jeff Lieberman flick

on Shudder that people love
is "Blue Sunshine."

One of the most loved films
on Shudder,

which is about hippies

that turn into bald-headed
psychotic maniacs in the '70s

because of LSD
that they consumed in the '60s.

So it made me think,
what is your LSD experience?

[Laughter]

-That's another show --
We should do "Blue Sunshine."

-We should do "Blue Sunshine."

I would love to have
"Blue Sunshine."

-Yeah, we re-licensed it,
so we could.

Um, but did you do LSD
in the '60s?

-[Whispering] I did.
-[Laughing]

-[Whispering] I did.
[Laughter]

-Alright,
I'm going to take that as a yes.

-Yeah, that's a yes.

-When people say,

"Where did you go
for 30 years?,"

They were
not watching HBO and Showtime

because you were winning Emmys.

You were doing you were doing
so-called serious filmmaking.

You mentioned, um,
"The Neverending Story III,"

but you -- you did a lot
of other projects.

-I did an HBO documentary
on Sonny Liston.

-Oh, yeah. Great documentary.
Sonny Liston, was pretty good.

-I did a thing called
"But...Seriously,"

with Rob Reiner for Showtime.

That was huge.

But who looks?

You know,
the horror fans are horror fans

and somebody
wrote on the internet

that I was dead
and not only dead,

whatever happened to him dead,
but specifically lung cancer.

-Yeah.
-Right.

And why lung cancer?

I mean, couldn't they make it
like I crashed

over a cliff or something?

[Laughter]

-So, I mean, you told me also,

you made a lot of money on
unproduced screenplays, right?

-Yes.
-So you're one of those guys?

Because I have experience
with that.

And you moved to Westchester.

You live in Westchester, right?
-Now I do, yeah.

-Which is where a lot
of this movie was shot, right?

-Right.

-But the people in Westchester
were not crazy

about you shooting
in your hometown.

-Well, the name
"Satan's Little Helper"

didn't help.

-Okay.
-So I didn't realize.

I thought they were kidding me

that the people
in the neighborhood

didn't like the idea
that something with Satan.

I'm thinking this is
like supposedly a sophisticated.

-Sophisticated New Yorkers,
right?

Why would they care
it's about Satan?

-When we wrapped
and we left, they had signs,

"Don't Come Back," "Go to Hell,"
yeah, they were holding up.

-They will put signs in
their yard?

-Yeah. No, they were holding
them up to the truck.

-[Laughing] Okay, never come
back to Westchester.

-To me, I said I got a hit.

I mean, you know, I'd love that,

but it did cost us a lot
of money.

Like,
Walmart wouldn't put the thing

unless you change
the title and --

And then the movie itself,

all through the
Latin American countries,

they wouldn't touch it.

-Really? Because it had Satan
in the name?

-Because a kid is helping Satan,
right?

I mean,
that's it's right up my alley,

but it's not up their alley.

-Well,
the first time I saw the movie,

I had no idea
how at this point in the movie,

how you could ever resolve
the story,

which is always a good sign
of excellent screenwriting.

So let's not keep
the audience in suspense.

Let's find out what that
wacky Satan is going to do next.

Roll it.

And I really think
Alexander Brick-el --

Bric-kel.
Brickel, I always wondered, uh,

belongs in the company
of Hollywood's greatest actors

in Satan movies because
Jack Nicholson did Satan,

Vincent Price did Satan,
Al Pacino did Satan,

Alexander Brickel, you know,
where is he now?

-I don't know.

I mean,
I know he was a theater major

and I don't know --
I don't know what he's doing.

-Okay.
-But he wasn't Satan, see.

He was a helper.

-I know, but in Satan movies,

stars of Satan movies,
he's the star.

He's the lead, right?
-Yeah.

-Yeah. Um, didn't --

And I think Mia Farrow
actually gave birth to the devil

when she was dating
Frank Sinatra.

Or did she just have sex
with the devil

and gave birth to the son
of the devil?

I can't remember, anyway.
-Isn't that "Rosemary's Baby"?

-"Rosemary's Baby."
-Yeah.

-Satan was so big
in the '60s and '70s.

Satan was huge.

[Laughter]
-I was -- I was at a New Year's

pre-New Year's Eve party

in a penthouse on Sutton Place
and my that time girlfriend,

um, my wife, she was invited
to this thing and,

uh, was all very rich people
and society people.

And I never drank before that.

I just did drugs, so.

So, uh, I went, I remember it.

An uncle of mine had a Rob Roy.
And he slipped me a Rob Roy.

And it sounded so cool.
-Okay.

-So the guy says,
a waiter comes over, he says,

"Would you like a drink?"
And I said, "Yeah, Rob Roy."

And I didn't know that,
when you finish it,

they -- they give you
another one.

And I'm on an empty stomach.

The room is fucking rotating.

And I see, is that Ira Levin,
"Rosemary's Baby," he was there.

-The writer of
of "Rosemary's Baby."

-Yeah. I go up to him.

I went, I know where you got
the idea for "Rosemary's Baby."

You ripped it off from

"I Married a Monster
from Outer Space."

Same exact plot, which it is.
Remember that?

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-And he's --
And they --

I got unceremoniously bounced
out of that party.

-Really?
-I know I'm right.

-I know I'm right.
For insulting Ira Levin?

-Yeah.
-Because over the movie,

I Married a Monster
from Outer Space"?

And they kicked you
out of the party?

-Yes.
-Well, there you go.

That's why they kicked you
out of Westchester, too.

-Do I have cred or what?

-Yeah, uppity New Yorkers.

We don't need them, right?
-Yeah. No.

[Laughter]

♪

[Birds chirping]

♪

♪

[Crickets chirping]

We're trick-or-treating?

But I wanted to do it
with Jenna, too.

Okay. Crap.

Let's go.

I should stand guard
in case God comes?

Okay.

Satan's helper on the lookout.

[Door creaking]

[Doorbell rings]

-Alright, alright, alright,
I'm coming.

Aren't you a little too old
to be trick-or-treating?

I'm coming as fast as I can.

[Breathing heavily]

Oh, okay, okay, I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Don't worry.
I'm coming.

Where did you get that coat?

Looks like you robbed it
from a Hasid.

Alright, alright,
I got your candy.

Just a minute.

Here's your candy.

[Thump]
Ugh!

[Groaning]

-Oh, I hope God doesn't see us.

Come on.

-Hey, Whooly, who are you going
trick-or-treating with?

-Oh, just Satan.

-Yeah, Satan.
[Laughs]

-Ahh!

-Oh, that looks so real!

-[Coughing, choking]

-Holy shit!

[Children gasping]
-[Laughs]

They thought that was real.

Jerks.

[Rope creaking]

♪

♪

[Giggles]

Nice job.

That was awesome.

♪

[Giggling]

♪

[Children shouting
indistinctly]

[Doorbell rings]

[Pounding on door]

-Dad, open up!

[Water running]
[Doorbell rings]

-Did you hear the door?

-Aw, come on, ignore it.
It's Halloween.

-But I love
giving out the treats.

-Well, then give out a few
right here

and then throw in a few
new tricks while you're at it.

-Dad, open up!

[Water turns off]

Dad, it's me! Come on, open up!
I need help!

Dad, open up!

-Alex?
What the hell is he doing home?

-Who's Alex?

-My son.

-Excuse me?

-I have a son in college,
if you can believe it.

That is, if you can call a bunch
of acting classes college.

[Doorbell rings]
-Dad, I need help!

-Sounds like he's in trouble.

-I should stand guard again?

You got it, Master.

[Siren wailing in distance]

♪

♪

[Doorbell rings]

♪

-[Chuckles]
Ohh.

Vernon, come see
what your son's wearing.

-Oh, I'm sure
it's very dramatic.

-[Chuckling]
It sure as hell is.

[Laughs]

Hi, Alex.

I'm Nicole.
I work for your dad.

[Screams]

Ugh!

♪

♪

-Alex, what the hell's come
over you?

Take that thing off.

And take those things
off your feet

before you step foot
in this house.

Have you lost your mind?

What the hell is that
school doing to you?

♪

♪

[Glass shatters]

-[Giggling]

♪

Can I have some candy?

I'm your helper.

[Siren wailing in distance]

Huh?

"Mrs. Sylvia Tishbaum"?

Ooh!

I should mix this with the candy
and make people have diarrhea

all over the place
and puke their guts out.

Sweet.

Hell is so fun.

[Siren wailing]

[Siren stops]

[Police radio chatter]

Come on.

-Sir, step away from the boy.

Take the mask off.

-Master, don't you want to run?

-Sir, step away from the boy.

-You don't have to?

[Police radio chatter]

-Place your hands
on your head now.

[Doorbell ringing]

-Where were you?

And where's Alex?

-Okay, we went to the store
and got the candy.

Then Satan let me ride
in the shopping cart,

and we ran
all these people over.

Then he took me to hell,
where we went trick-or-treating.

It was so cool.

My master hung this old lady
out the window,

and we poisoned all the candy.

-Dougie, where is your master?

-The police got him,
but he doesn't care

'cause he'll just tape them up
and cut their guts out.

-Dougie, do you realize
what you're saying?

Start giving out the candy,

fill up those little bags
I found,

and when Satan comes,

tell him I'd like to have
a little talk with him.

[Doorbell ringing]

-Coming.

-Trick or treat.

Hey, why aren't you
out trick-or-treating?

-Yeah, with Satan?

[Laughter]
-Do you know what?

At least I didn't think that
stupid hanged lady was real.

-Hey, we were trying
to trick you.

-Lie.
-Just give us some candy.

-Yeah, little helper.

[Laughter]

-Just one second.

[Humming]

-Come on, Whooly.
Hurry up in there.

-Okay, one for you.

Have a happy Halloween.

-Finally.
-One for you.

Enjoy your candy.
-Thank you.

-One for you.
Drive safely.

[Children shouting
indistinctly]

[Door creaking]

[Crickets chirping]

[Laughs]

[Glass shatters]
[Alarm ringing]

-It's anarchy!
Anarchy!

You must take sanctuary
in the cathedral at once!

The police station burns
with the fire of hell!

Soon all the constables
will be dead!

And then, God help us!

-Hey, man,
cut out all the bullshit.

What are you talking about?
-Yo, man, I'm not kiddin'.

Three cops finded dead.

There's only two of them left
on the whole fuckin' island.

You better get
your ass home fast.

[Glass shatters]

[Indistinct shouting
in distance]

Anarchy! Anarchy!

-Will you stop
shaking the floor?

You're going to ruin my quiche.

-I cannot believe
he's not home yet.

I'd really like to know
what's going on.

-Maybe he just changed
his mind and visited his dad.

-Yeah, and maybe he went off
to some party without me.

Or maybe he went
to visit an ex-girlfriend.

Do you know what he told Dougie?

He said that
they're going to use knives

to cut people's guts out
and poison kids.

You think that's normal.

[Doorbell ringing]

-I got it!

-That's probably him.

♪

-What took you so long?

You could've called
or something.

-I told you.
You never listen.

Come on!
You have to catch me!

Then you can take me
back to hell.

-And what's this telling him
about taped-up mouths

and knives?

And then actually
buying this stuff?

This is all pretty sick,
don't you think?

[Lock engages]

Alex, stop right now.

It's not funny.

Talk.

Say something, or I'll --

Okay,
I think you're way overdoing it,

and I really wish you would
just cut it --

Alex, I'm serious.
Stop.

[Rope snaps]

♪

♪

-Come on!
You're not getting me!

♪

-[Gasps]

♪

♪

[Softly]
Oh, my God.

♪

-I'm not waiting
for your father anymore,

so I'm going on ahead
to the party.

-That's not Alex.

♪

That's someone else
in that costume!

-Well, of course it's Alex.

Who else could it be?
Oh...

Ohh!
You're in the game --

-Shh!

Dougie?

Dougie!

Dougie, come out!
I have to tell you something!

Dougie.

Dougie, come down.
I have to tell you something.

-It's normal when you're
playing hide-and-seek

not to make any noise.

-Shh!

♪

Dougie?

[Doorbell ringing]
-Ah!

We got customers.
Douglas!

Will you come down here
and help us with the candy?

Please?

[Footsteps approaching]

-[Sighs]

I had such a good hiding spot,
and you had to ruin it.

-Trick or treat.

-What are you supposed to be?

-I am a serious businessman...

coming home to check out
my son's excellent costume!

-[Giggles]
-Look how great this is.

You look just like
Satan's Little Helper,

just like the game.

And Jenna in Mom's old costume.

-[Laughs]
-Chiquita.

[Both laugh]

Bell Tower Castle, here we come!

We are gonna rock that place,
my darling.

-[Laughing]
Hoo-hoo-hoo!

-And the dip.
-Doo-boo!

[Laughs] Your costume's
waiting for you upstairs.

You're an elf.

-[Laughs]
-Shut up.

-An elf?
-Mm-hmm.

You said leave it to me.

-I am gonna catch
so much shit for this...

-Mm-hmm.

-By the way, what are those cops
doing parked outside?

-Let go!
We're still playing!

-Dad, go tell those cops
there's a psycho in our house.

-What did I walk into here?

-Alex dressed up as Satan

to go along
with Dougie's outfit and --

-Whoa, who's Alex?

-Alex is Jenna's friend
from school.

He came here to spend
Halloween with us.

Anyway, they are ensconced
in this game,

which, frankly, I think
is getting a little out of hand.

-Let go, or Satan's helper
will karate you.

-Come on, hell boy.

Let's go check out
Daddy's elf costume.

-Put me down!

-You can't go up there.

-Are you serious?

-Satan's not even up there.

He's down in the basement
so he can get back to hell,

in case you were God
ringing the doorbell.

-Yeah, well,
he's in big trouble now, boy,

'cause I just happen to be
one of the avenging angels.

-Will you guys stop horsing
around 'cause we gotta go.

-Put me down, or I'll tell Satan
to cut your guts out.

-Oh, yeah?
Well, go ahead

because I got God
watching my back.

-Satan, quick!

Come and spill his guts out!

♪

-[Groaning]

♪

-No! Ahh!

[Screams]

-[Groaning]

♪

-[Screaming]

♪

-I didn't mean it.

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

No!

No.

♪

-I want you to run.
Run.

-Ahh!
[Sobbing]

[Metal clanging]

-Come on. Get up.

[Metal clanging]

-No!

[Screams]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Door creaking]

[Breathing heavily]

♪

-Go, go, go.
Go, Jenna.

♪

-[Panting]
Come on!

[Keypad beeps]

♪

-[Grunting softly]

[Line ringing]
-[Sobbing]

Come on!

[Telephone ringing]

♪

♪

[Ringing continues]

[Exhales sharply]

[Line ringing]
-Jenna?!

-Mom?

Oh, God.

Mom?

♪

Dougie!

Mom?

♪

Mom!

♪

Oh, God.

♪

Oh, God.

-Jenna!
-Oh!

-Master said all the dead people
were pretend, but he lied.

-Stop calling him master!

Where's Mom?

-He took her.

-I'm going after them.

-But he'll kill you!

-Look, stay here
and lock the door.

Don't open up for anyone,
no matter what.

Try not to look at Daddy, okay?

-[Sniffles]
-Here.

Hold on to this till I get back.

[Alarm blaring]

[Lock engages]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Alarm continues]

[Crickets chirping]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Exhales sharply]

[Gasps]

Oh, my...

-Jenna.
-Oh!

God. Alex.

T-This psycho comes home
with Dougie and -- and he --

and I thought he was you.

And he killed my dad,
and he took my mom.

-Jenna, Jenna,
was this guy wearing

a black coat and a white mask?
-Yeah.

-That's the same guy
that jumped me.

Your brother set me up.
-No, he thought

it was just a game.
-Yeah, some game.

Where is he?

-He's back at the house.

-Alright, where did they go?

[Alarm continues]

-He knows about that party
at that castle.

I bet he took her there.

Look, you have to help me
get her.

-Jesus Christ.

[Clattering]

There's no keys.

We got this.

Come on.
Let's go.

-Alright, so...

[Laughter]

So, Jeff, does Satan Man kill
every police officer in town

and tape up their bodies?

We kind of -- We can't kind of
learn that off camera.

-Yeah. I mean, that's
where low budget movie comes in,

where you want people's
imagination.

It's an island.

It's a small island.
-Okay.

-How many cops would
they have on an island?

-So he kills all the cops?

-Yeah,
but we only see what we see.

Three.
-Okay.

And people are still
going to have a party,

even though the entire
law enforcement

infrastructure is in shambles.

-Well, they don't know that.
-Okay.

There was a thing in the '80s
called Satanic Panic

where parents started believing

that the owners
of daycare centers

were using their children
for demonic ceremonies.

But in this movie,
there's truly a satanic panic

because the guy dressed up
like Satan

is basically chopping his way
through every person he sees,

including an elderly lady
with a walker who says,

"Where did you get that coat?

Looks like you robbed it
from a Hasid."

And it actually was
from a Hasid, right?

-You got a Hasidic coat?
-We didn't rob it.

We didn't rob it.
-For Satan?

-Yeah,
the the wardrobe people

went down to Brooklyn
and went in.

He says, "What
are you going to use this for?"

"Oh, our rabbi needs it."
You know, like had a line.

We got two of them.
And that's what --

Well, was it
that important to you

that Satan's
coat had to be Hasidic?

-You know that's an insult.
Of course.

[Laughter]
Of course.

I mean, if you're going to --
if you're going to be offensive,

I'm an equal opportunity.

I mean, I'm going to draw
the line on Judaism.

-Alright,
and I took great pleasure

in the gut ripping of dad,

because that's the dude
who was the bouncer at Avenue

who thought I was too cowboy
to get past the velvet rope.

So was he a good actor, though?

-Yeah.
Yeah, it was good and good guy.

Good guy.
-Yeah. Okay, Jeff.

[Laughter]

You know --
-Hey, he did what I told him.

-Now you got to tell me
how this happened.

There is a poster somewhere
or a one sheet or something.

I haven't seen it,
but it says --

"Dario Argento presents
a Jeff Lieberman film --

"Mummies."

What the fuck, Jeff?

-That's what it should
have been called,

"What the Fuck?"

Um...
[Laughter]

A guy came from Italy

and he was from the company
Titanus.

That was a big distribution.

-Titanus films, yeah.
-And they did George Romero.

It said, um,
it was called "Zombies."

It was the sequel --
-"Zombies," yeah.

-Here it was "Dawn of the Dead."

-Right.
-But they financed it

and they had all
this money coming in offshore

that they didn't want to let
Italy tax, right?

-They didn't want
the money to go back to Italy.

-Right, so they want to make
another movie.

-Okay.
-So this guy comes

out of the blue
and he says to me,

"Do you know that we did
this thing and it's here.

It's called "Dawn of the Dead."

And it says, um,

Dario Argento presents
a George Romero film, "Zombies."

I said, okay.
He goes, "Now."

And he has his artwork
and he reveals that he goes,

"Dario Argento presents
a Jeff Lieberman film,

"Mummies."

And he opens this thing up,

and it was like zombies
wrapped in toilet paper.

I mean, it was like,
you know, trailing off,

but thousands
of toilet paper wrapped...

-Mummies.
-Mummies. Yeah.

That's when I said,
"Well, let me read the script."

No script.
They put it in variety.

You know the can.

You know,
they sell it in advance

because my name was approved
and I said, I can't, you know.

-You can't make a movie
with no script?

-I don't think so.

-It's about mummies
and toilet paper.

-Right, and so years later when
I did "Satan's Little Helper,"

I was invited to Brussels.

A big BIF big
huge film festival.

Amanda was there and Paul --
Um, what's his name?

"Taxi Driver," Paul...
Paul Schrader.

-Paul Schrader.
-Yeah, and Dario Argento.

So I said Dario, you know, he
knew my name and we never met.

And I said to him,
the mummy thing.

And he started cracking up.
He said, "Yeah."

I said, "Did you say okay
to put your name?"

And he said it was the same
thing as the George Romero.

They're just going to give
him money.

So he said yes.

-So he's saying -- He's saying
he would have made it.

-Well, he wouldn't do
anything.

Just the way he didn't do
anything on the other one.

-Oh, okay.
-Yeah, and make money.

-And so he said,
yeah, "Put my name on it.

We'll make a movie
called "Mummies."

-Yeah.
-Okay. Using the offshore money.

-Well, it's not any dumber
than "Zombies."

"Mummies," come on.

-Okay. Oh, but, you know,
you should have made "Mummies,"

because they wouldn't
just be mummies,

they'd be Jeff Lieberman
mummies.

And so they'd be interesting.
-Yeah. That's right.

-Sorry.
Back to the movie.

Ah, Darcy, can you
even breathe in that thing?

Uh, I really think you should do
"Satan's Little Helper II."

Has anybody come up with that?

As anybody asked you to do that?

"Satan's Little Helper II"
with Darcy in that costume.

And I'll be the little kid.

[Laughter]

Do you want out of there, Darcy?

Have we pushed this too far?

Have we push this as far
as it can go?

Alright? Apparently not.

Darcy has found her comfort zone

inside the mind and body
of Satan.

[Laughter]

♪

[Tires screech]

[Thirteenth Tribe's
"Diamonds Aren't Forever

(When You're Dead)"playing]
-♪ You adore the view ♪

-[Muffled grunting]

-♪ But they name a scent
after you ♪

♪

-[Smooches]

-♪ Diamonds aren't forever ♪

-I don't know.

-It could be the guy
from the news report.

-Billy Flarin?
-I ran into a guy who told me

that the police station
burned to the ground.

Isn't that what Billy
was known for?

-So much for being born again.

-Yeah, well,
with those last two cops dead,

there's no police left
on Bell Island.

We're in Dodge City now.

[Glass shatters]
[Alarm blares]

-Are you alright?

-[Sighs]
Yeah.

I've taken the last beating
I'm ever gonna take today.

Come on.
-No, the party's this way.

-Yeah, but he already knows
what we look like.

I need to get close enough
to use this thing.

[Glass breaking]
[Alarm continues]

[Indistinct conversations]

-Greetings!

[Bob Dylan's "Man of Peace"
playing]

[Laughter]
I am Queen Frances.

♪ Look out your window, baby ♪

♪ There's a scene
you'd like to catch ♪

♪ The band is playing "Dixie" ♪

♪ A man got his hand
outstretched ♪

♪ Could be the Fuhrer ♪

♪ Could be the local priest ♪

♪

♪ You know sometimes
Satan comes as a man of peace ♪

-[Grunts]

-♪ He got a sweet gift of gab ♪
[Tape tearing]

♪ He got a harmonious tongue ♪

♪ He knows every song of love
that ever has been sung ♪

-[Groaning]
-♪ Good intentions can be evil ♪

♪ Both hands can be
full of grease ♪

-Oh, shit. I'm sorry. I'm s--

Are you alright?

Let me help you up.

Damn it.

Can you bend your legs a little?

[Grunting]

I don't know what happened.
She just fell.

You guys bustin' my chops?

Have a good night.
Enjoy the party.

-♪ Nobody can see through him ♪

♪ No, not even
the Chief of Police ♪

-That fruit lid --
it's the bomb.

-[Groaning]

-Merrill?
[Gasps]

What a great Chiquita!

-[Muffled grunting]
-But what's with the tape?

Chiquita the...mummy?

[Laughter]

♪

You really were stoned!

And Dean is -- What?
A goat man.

-[High-pitched voice]
He's no goat man.

He's the devil.
[Giggles]

And I've never seen him
this "horny."

[Laughter]

-Greetings, dears.

I am Queen Frances,

but you two can call me "Mumsy."

[Laughter]
I am delighted

that you have arrived
for our festive gala.

Where the hell's the quiche?

-[Muffled grunting]

-Come on, Harry.

Take a picture of me
with Mr. Horny.

♪

Oh!
[Laughs]

-Oh, my!
He reallyishorny!

[Laughter]

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

-Greetings.
I am Queen Frances.

-♪ He can ride
down Niagara Falls ♪

♪ In the barrels of your skull ♪

[Thud]

[Laughter]

♪

-Hey, I think you broke
your cherry!

[Laughter]

-Is that a banana in your hat
or are you happy to see me?

[Applause]

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

♪ He's a great humanitarian,
he's a great philanthropist ♪

♪ He knows just
where to touch you, honey ♪

♪ And how you like
to be kissed ♪

♪ He'll put both his arms
around you ♪

♪ You can feel that tender touch
of the beast ♪

[Dog barking]
[Indistinct shouting]

-Come on!
[Glass shattering]

[Barking continues]

-[Breathing heavily]

[Glass breaking in distance]

[Clattering in distance]

-Hey, smash that sucker!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Doorbell ringing]
-[Gasps, breathes heavily]

[Crickets chirping]

[Dog barking in distance]

[Foot stomping]

[Thud]

God...
this is Douglas Whooly.

I'm sorry for helping Satan.

And now I need Your help
to get him away from our house

and to make him go back to hell.

I promise to be good
forever and ever if you do.

I swear to you.

[Indistinct shouting
in distance]

[Sighs]
And amen.

[Doorbell ringing]

[Breathing heavily]

[Alarm ringing]
-We have to hurry.

I can't see in this thing.

-[Coughs]
Jesus.

Smells like someone
puked in this thing.

-Oh, God.
[Groans]

[Car engine revving]

[Tires screech, metal crunches]

[Crickets chirping]

[Cheeze-E-Edd's"Up Dance/Let
the Bass Kick"plays]

-Come on!

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

-♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪
-♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

-♪ Up dance ♪

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

-[Muffled grunting]

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

-[Squealing]

♪

-Ooh, how's she like
the punch, Mr. Satan?

[Laughs]

[Normal voice]
Hey, Dean...

Betty told me
you were gonna be an elf.

What happened?
You chicken out?

-[Muffled grunting]

♪

Okay.
So, here's to, uh --

What the hell are you two
supposed to be?

-We're a he/she.
-Oh.

♪

-Not bad.

♪

-Bad.
-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

[Indistinct conversations]

[Both gagging]

♪

-Ew, gross.

♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance ♪

♪

-That's Billy's dad,
Mayor Flarin.

-Oh, I love trolls, man.

I saw "Shrek" three times.

-Mrs. Flarin, we need
to talk to your son, Billy.

-Careful talkin' to birds,
Janice.

Their talk is cheep.

-Let's cut out the chitchat.
Where's your son?

♪

-Alex.

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪
-♪ Let the bass kick ♪

-♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪ Up dance, up dance ♪

♪

♪

-Oh, my God.
Mom!

Get out of my way!

I'm coming.
Mom?

Damn it!
Just let me go!

♪

Please get out of my way!
Let me through!

♪

Mom!
Watch it!

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mom!
Mom, where are you?!

♪

Move out of my way!
Move!

Mom!

♪

Let me through!

Mom!

♪

Does anybody have nails?

-[Muffled grunting]

-Does somebody have nails?!

-No, I'm sorry.

♪

-Shit!

-[Gasping, coughing]

-Get me some water!

Get me some water!

[Indistinct conversations]

-Hey! Watch it, asshole.

-[Coughing, gasping]

-Alex?

Alex?!

-Ow.
-Are you okay?

T-Take care of her.

Listen, I'll be back.
I'm gonna go get Alex, okay?

-Betty, call for help.
Go get help.

-Look, look, look, look,
look, look!

Satan's ripping out his guts.

I just got extra points
for that.

-I need the keys to the red SUV.

-You need a ticket, love.

-Hey, yo!

Fuck her.

[Rock music playing]

[Indistinct shouting,
clattering]

[Sirens blaring]

♪

♪

-What's up, my nigga?

♪

[Glass shatters]

-Whoo-ha-ha!

-Whoo-hoo!

[Alarms continue]

-Alright, who are you?

You better say something,

or I'm gonna blow
your fuckin' head off.

Dad?

[Alarms continue]

[Gunshot]
[Alarms stop]

-Look! Over here!
[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Woman screaming in distance]

♪

♪

[Crickets chirping]

[Thudding]
[Indistinct shouting]

[Glass breaking]

-I hate you.
[Vehicle approaching]

-Alex!
[Horn honks]

[Glass breaking]
Alex!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Car door opens]
Did you find him?

-Yeah.
-And?

-[Sighs]

It's my father.

-Get in.

What are you talking about?
Did you see his face?

You got the mask off?

-No.
-Then how do you know?

-He could've killed me
when he had the chance.

Instead, he took the gun
and he shot his own hand

and then handed it back to me
just to humiliate me,

to show me he can keep on
doing it forever.

-Which way did he go?

-I don't know.
Maybe home?

[Engine starts]

♪

♪

-What do you think, Jeff?
Do I keep this beard?

[Laughter]

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

-Yeah.
-Alright.

-You know, when you sign
your autographs at shows.

-Yeah.
-Just dip ink in there.

And just --
-Oh, okay. Great. Thanks.

Hey, was that Ratso Sloman
as the mayor?

What is Ratso Sloman doing
in your movie?

-He's my buddy and --
-He's your buddy?

-And he's in SAG.

And he goes,
"Lemo, put me in the movie.

I'll get residuals."

-He's in SAG.

I worked with Ratso
at National Lampoon.

I think he was the editor.
-He was the editor at one point.

-It was always hard to tell
who was the actual editor

at National Lampoon,

but I know that he also wrote
for rolling Stone.

He wrote for High Times.
-Yeah, yeah, High Times.

-And he had that book
on Bob Dylan.

But I had no idea
that "Satan's Little Helper"

was on Ratso Sloman's resume.

-I told him -- I told him
that I'm doing this.

And he said he knew you
from back then.

-Yeah, um, that sequence
where Amanda Plummer is, um,

getting ping pong around
the dance floor is hilarious.

[Laughter]

Uh, you beat her up.

-Well...

Well,
spoiler alert or whatever.

-It's a stunt double.
-Stunt woman.

-Yeah, I mean, when she came
full face plant out of the car,

that's a stunt
when she walks into the post.

-What about
on the dance floor, though?

You can see her face
the whole time.

-No. Then you jump in
and you see her face.

-Oh, okay.

So what were the numbers
on "Satan's Little Helper"?

How much money did you have?

-[Exhales sharply]
700, maybe.

-700,000.
-Yeah.

-And how much did you make?
A lot.

-Uh, I don't know, but it made.
-Enough?

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

We hadn't -- We hadn't really
talked about

your slasher
that's not a slasher,

"Just Before Dawn."

you've had a big resurgence
in interest in that movie

in recent years, right?
-Yeah. Oh, Yeah.

-And Quentin Tarantino showed it
at his theater

in -- in LA.
-Right.

And he even showed his editor
that he could do the --

He could -- [Laughs]

That's what he told me
and Fred Raskin.

He said, I told
him that he knows he knows me.

He told Quentin,
and Quentin just went

and was able to --

People watching
if they don't know the movie.

It's the first, well, oral fist
thing in the history of cinema.

[Laughter]
And then --

-Oh man, psycho hillbilly
knocking off young campers one

at a time, right?

-Yeah.
-That pretty much sums it up.

Nothing slashery about that,
but anyway...

Um, thanks for being with us.
-You had to go there.

-Thanks for being with us.

We are coming up
on the twisted conclusion

of "Satan's Little Helper,"

and you are now
officially released to go back

to your opulent Westchester
mansion where you live.

And actually,
you've been doing a lot of shows

on the convention circuit
lately.

-Yeah, that's where we met.
-And people want to see you.

And talk to you about your stuff
from the '70s and this movie.

Um, and is there any
of your movies

we have not mentioned?

Everybody should watch that,
by the way.

Everyone should watch
that Sonny Liston documentary.

Uh, that thing is great.

Um, talk about a heavyweight

that doesn't get the credit
he deserves.

-Well,
it started when I did that.

All of a sudden, everybody.

Since then, there's been
five things on Sonny Liston.

-Yeah.
-So again --

First thing
that's not a slasher.

Sonny Liston.
Oh, a pioneer.

-Yeah. Alright.
[Laughter]

But you realize
that horror rules.

So you're iconic now,

and you made
several iconic movies,

including an iconic slasher.

Alright,
and now we're going to --

We're going to putter
on down through the final act

of "Satan's Little Helper."

So roll the film.

And let's -- I want to see some
fingers, Darcy or Darcy Satan.

How many stars
for "Satan's Little Helper"?

Oh, off the scale, of course.

"Satan's Little Helper,"
ten stars.

Uh --
Oh, I wanted to read.

Where is that?
I wanted to read a passage.

-I was reading
the Satanic Bible stuff, sorry.

-Oh, yeah. Okay.

This is a passage
from the Satanic Bible.

Words to live by --

"When walking in open territory,
bother no one.

If someone bothers you,
ask him to stop.

If he does not stop,
destroy him."

[Laughter]

Uh, so don't screw
with the Satanist.

Uh, because instead of turn
the other cheek,

it's slap that fucker
on both cheeks.

But I'm sure they're
nice people.

[Laughter]

And I've gotten to
where I can interpret

every gesture you make, Darcy.

And I know
that that last one was, uh,

quit while you were ahead
and shut up.

[Laughter]

♪

♪

♪

-That's our house.

-Alex.

♪

♪

Alex?

[Crickets chirping]

[Gearshift clicks]

Give me the gun.

♪

[Car door slams]

Put your hands up!

Kneel down on the ground!

♪

Kneel down on the ground now!

♪

[Gunshots]

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

♪

♪

He's in hell where he belongs.

♪

I'll go home.
I'll get Dougie.

We'll pick up my mom
and find the police.

♪

And, Alex...

don't blame yourself.

The only one to blame is him.

♪

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-Go away!
I'm not answering!

[Ringing continues]

Duh!

God could come
as a trick-or-treater!

♪

[Door creaks]

[Gasps]
Yes! You came.

Oh, thank You so much.

Come in.

I remember that Satan was afraid

because you can come
as a trick-or-treater

and You can be wearing
a costume, just like he did.

He's not here.

He took my mom.

My sister went to get her,
but she didn't come back yet.

You want me to come with you?

Is that real blood?

In real life?

Does God talk?

He doesn't have to?
Like Satan?

♪

[Alarm ringing]

♪

[Gasps]
Jenna!

Okay, you go get Satan.

I'll make sure he doesn't
get my sister.

♪

Jenna!

[Tires screech]
Jenna!

-Dougie.

-Jenna!

Jenna!

[Car door opens]

-Didn't I tell you
to stay in the house?

-Yeah. But God said.

-God?

-I prayed for Him to come
and help us, and He did.

See? Here's His blood.

Get in, quick.

[Car door closes]

♪

[Door opening and closing]

[Lock engages]

Let's see.

Okay, Dougie,
are you telling me the truth,

or did you touch Daddy?

-No!
I swear I didn't touch him.

-Then whose blood is this?

-I told you. It's God's.

-Okay, who was he
and what did he look like?

-You know, Jesus.

He's wearing a costume.

But I know He was real
'cause He had real blood.

-Was he bleeding from his hand?

When you were trick-or-treating,
did Satan kill Alex's father?

-When we were trick-or-treating,
he threw a guy out a window.

-Was it a big brick house?

[Exhales heavily]

That man was Alex's father.

♪

And Jesus is Satan!
-[Gasps]

[Pounding on door]
[Both screaming]

♪

-Mom!
[Both breathing heavily]

-It was so horrible.

He poisoned the punch.

It's so -- so horrible.
-It's okay.

-So horrible.
-It's okay. It's okay.

[Indistinct shouting]

-So, he hasn't come back?

-He's gone.
-Where is he?

-He's gone, okay?
He's gone.

Okay?
[Smooches]

[Breathing heavily]

Oh, God.

[Breathes deeply]

-But why?

Why? Why us?

If it isn't Alex,
then who is it?

-Oh, God. Alex.

He thinks that maniac is dead.

♪

-It's okay.

-Aah!

♪

[Keypad beeping]

[Telephone ringing]

♪

♪

[Ringing continues]

♪

[Ringing continues]

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Ringing continues]

♪

Alex?
[Line ringing]

Fuck!

[Breathing heavily]

There's no answer.
I gotta go.

-No, you are not going out
there.

-I have to!
-No!

Fran Anderson called the
Bay Shore police.

A helicopter will be
coming here any minute now.

-I don't care!
-No!

I have just lost a husband!

I am not going to lose you.

-Don't go out there.
He'll kill you.

-Okay.

[All breathing heavily]

Okay.

[Crickets chirping]

♪

♪

[Glass shatters]

-Ah, ah.

-[Exhales heavily]

-[Whispering] I think
it's down in the basement.

-[Exhales heavily]
-It's Satan.

That's how he gets back to hell.

-[Breathing heavily]

♪

[Whispering]
Follow me.

♪

♪

[Whimpering]

♪

[All breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-[Gasping]

♪

-Go.

-Just let him go back to hell!
-Shh! Shh!

He killed Daddy.

His ass is fucking grass.

[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-[Breathing heavily]

♪

♪

-Okay.

Pick it up.

♪

♪

[Footsteps scraping]

Shh, shh.

[Water running]

[Breathing heavily]

[Faucet creaks, turns off]

-[Gasps]

♪

Ahh!

[Grunting]

It's him! Ahh!

[Grunting]

♪

[Groans]

-[Grunting]

[Knife plunges]

-Unh!

♪

[Both grunting]

♪

[Knife clatters]

[Both breathing heavily]

♪

-Okay.
-Okay.

I know.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Oh, God.

Alex.

Alex.

No. Alex.

[Helicopter blades whirring]

-Mom!
The helicopter!

I'm gonna go out and get it!

-Dougie, you stay where you are!
-Alex?!

Alex!
[Sobbing]

-Dougie!

[Helicopter blades whirring]

-Wait! Come back!

He's still getting us!

♪

Come on!
He's still getting us!

Come back!

♪

Hello, helicopter,
could you hear me?

This is Douglas Whooly.

Turn around.
Come and save us.

We live at 66 Helen Street.

Come fast.

And over and out!

♪

You heard me?

Great.

♪

[Car door closes]

Come on.

[Crickets chirping]

♪

[Doorbell ringing]

-[Sobbing]
[Smooches]

-Mom!
Mom, come on up!

The police are here!
We're safe!

-[Sobbing]
-Come on.

Come on, sweetheart.
Come on. Snap out of it.

Come on. Come on.

♪

♪

Oh. Thank God.

Come in.

♪

[Spray paint hissing]

♪

[Door creaks, closes]

♪

♪

-Mom, why doesn't he
say something?

-He's afraid Satan
will hear him.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

-Who are you?
Oh, dang.

I didn't recognize you
without your mask.

-Very funny.

-You know,
this movie does not get

any happier at the end,
does it?

-I'm sorry,
I love, love, love,

love this movie.

It's so fun and is a yearly
tradition for me every year.

-You watch it every year?
-Yes.

-Well, you were very
instrumental in our getting it

on the show and it almost fell
through a couple times.

And your love for it
is what saved it.

So thank you, Satanic Darcy.

-It was worth every moment.

-And remember,
we're not finished with

"Joe Bob's Beelzebub Bash."

We're delving into
a much darker world

in our second movie tonight,
"Late Night With the Devil."

Kind of a surprise hit
this year,

but right now, I guess
we're going to do some mailbag.

-Yes we are. Okay.

Very careful.

This is a it's
a historic artifact.

-Okay.

-It comes from Chris Miller
of Franklinton, North Carolina.

Be careful.

-Okay.
-Be careful.

-Alright.
It's in a --

Oh, some kind of
Cracker Barrel brochure.

-Mm.
-Um.

Let's see.

Oh, actually,
it's a Cracker Barrel menu

for the Cracker Barrel
in Lebanon, Tennessee.

And, um,

that's where Cracker Barrel
originated in Lebanon.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

-Exactly.
-It's hand-lettered.

-Yes.
-You know what this is?

-Of course I do.

-This is the very first
Cracker Barrel menu in history.

-Right.
-Exactly.

-When there were only.

There were four Cracker Barrels
in the in the whole world --

Uh, Lebanon on Interstate 40,

Manchester, Tennessee
on Interstate 24,

Kerrville, Tennessee
on Interstate 75,

and Dalton, Georgia
on Interstate 75.

Wow.

And it's got all this lame
hillbilly writing on it,

you know, like.
Lame?

-Well, I mean,
"If y'all like these vittles,

tell 'ur neighbors,"
all the bad spelling, you know,

"And help us out.

If you didn't, well,
these here menus have graced

better outhouses than 'ur in."

[Laughter]
-Ooh, shots fired.

-They hired the very best
Madison Avenue copywriters

to do this original
Cracker Barrel menu.

Uh, yes. City ham, $0.65.

Country Ham $1.20.
-Whoa.

-[Laughing] I don't even know
what that means.

-I don't either.

-Redeye gravy, $0.25.

a bowl of beans
in ham hock.

-Yuck. [Chuckles]
-Um, with cornbread, $0.70.

-I'll take the cornbread.

-Sho' nuff, hamburgers.

-[Laughs]
-B-E-R-G-E-R-S, $0.60.

-Sho' nuff.

-This thing is --
This is American history.

-It's history.
I'm not kidding.

-Thank you Chris Miller
of Franklinton, North Carolina.

I don't know
how he could part with this.

This has got to be
from Cracker Barrel's

very first year in 1969.

And don't you feel sorry
for people

who traveled to interstates
before 1969?

I mean,
can you imagine that at one time

there was a world
without Cracker Barrel?

-Dark times, man.
-I'm gonna frame this.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna --
I'm gonna put this.

Well, I can't frame it because
it's written on both sides.

But, you know,
I'm gonna find some way

to display this on my desk

to remind me that
sausage and biscuits in 1969

was a buck thirty-five,

and -- and -- and -- and I'm
sure that was plenty of sausage

and plenty of biscuits.

-I knew you were gonna love it.
And you're gonna frame it.

-Well,
I'm gonna do something with it.

-Yes.
-I'm gonna get emotional here

if we keep talking about it

'cause, you know,
I love America.

[Laughter]

-Well, I'm really glad
I picked that one.

-I need to take a break
to get control of myself.

But for right now,

I'm Joe, Bob Briggs
with Darcy the Mail Girl,

Uh, reminding you
that I'd rather

put on a pair
of pork chop panties

and run through a lion's cage
then watch an indoor movie

because the drive-in
will never die.

-It seems extreme.

-Armed robbers --
[Laughter]

Armed --

Armed robbers, bust into a bank.
-Okay.

And they line everybody
up against the wall.

And they start taking
their wallets

and their watches
and their jewelry.

And two of the bank's
accountants

are standing there waiting
to be robbed,

and one of the accountants

suddenly thrust something
into the hand

of the second accountant.

And the second accountant
whispers, "What is this?"

And the first accountant
whispers back,

"It's the 50 bucks I owe you."

[Laughter]

No?
-Unh-unh.

-You didn't like that one?
Let me try again.

-Okay.
-Okay, let me try again.

Police officer pulls over
this guy

who's weaving in and out
of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's window
and he says,

"Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer."

And the man says,
"I'm sorry, officer.

I can't do that.
I'm an asthmatic.

And if I do that, I'll have
a really bad asthma attack."

And the officer says,
"Okay, fine.

Then I need you
to come down to the station

to give me a blood sample."

He says,
"I can't do that either.

I'm a hemophiliac, and if
I do that, I'll bleed to death."

And the officer says,
"Well, then...

I'm going to need
a urine sample."

And the man says, "I'm sorry,
officer, I can't do that either.

I'm also a diabetic,
and if I do that,

I'll get
really low blood sugar."

And so the officer says,
"Alright, then I need you

to come out here
and walk this white line."

And the man says, "I can't
do that either officer."

And the officer says,
"Why not?"

The man says,
"Because I'm drunk."

[Laughter]

-I'll take that one.

[Laughter]

♪