All language subtitles for Poppas.House.S01E02.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

Hey, Pop.
What? No knock?

Listen, just because
you live next door to me

don't mean you can just
walk in unannounced.

I announced myself.
I said, "Hey, Pop."
No.

You announced me.

I already know I live here.

I'm not just
any next-door neighbor, Dad.

I used to live inside you.

Yeah, and you were annoying
back then.

That's why I sent you to live
with your mom for nine months.

The place looks great.

Yeah, I just
feng shui'd it.

Yeah, I can smell it.

A lot more "feng" than "shui."

Anyway, uh,
the reason why I'm here.

Nina and I wanted to make you
dinner tomorrow night

to celebrate
your, uh, remodel.

Ah, sorry. I got a hot date.

Hot date with who--

potted meat, sardines,
and peanut butter crackers?

You met her, huh?

Yeah, and she stinks.
Yeah.

Well, me and her are gonna
watch the Knicks game together.

Come on, man.
Stop being such a grump.

It's a special occasion.

Nina's making

her famous lasagna.

But if you don't
want any, I mean...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

She's making lasagna?
Yeah.

But you probably
don't want this batch.

No?
She's making, um,

noodles...
Noodles.

...and sauce.
Sauce.

Cheese...
Cheese...

And your favorite.

Meat?
Yes.

Count me in.
Great.

I'll see you tomorrow
at 6:00 for dinner.

No, make it 5:00.
I'm asleep by 7:00.

Oh, right, I forgot you have
a newborn baby's schedule.

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

You're on the phone.

Don't talk too long. Otherwise,
I'll press the button and,

poof, you'll be gone.

Yeah, why do y'all play
all that sad music now?

You're kind of
bumming me out, man.

My friend, I'll say it again.

That comes
from Dr. Reed's sad playlist.

I think it's titled

"Plug in the Toaster
and Jump in the Tub."

Don't hate because I was hired
to infuse some feelings

into your manly man show.

Corporate sent you

to ruin
my good, soulful morning vibe

with a whole bunch of whining.

What you call whining
most people call talking.

You're on the air, mon frere.
What's good in your hood?

I just want to say
that Dr. Reed is right.

And it's refreshing to have
a safe space where we can

talk about important things,
like feelings.

I appreciate your support, sister.

Yeah, but, honey, let me
mansplain something to you.

Real men don't do that.

We don't sit around publicly
crying about our feelings.

But since you like
to feel so much, young lady,

I want you to feel this.

You feel me?

You're on the phone, Tyrone.

Come on.
Help a brother reset the tone.

I'm just going
through so much right now.

She left me, man!

Don't you dare.

It is natural to feel grief
after a breakup, Tyrone.

Thank you, Dr. Reed.

I'm just hurting so bad
right now.

I called 'cause
you're both divorced, right?

What do you miss most
about being married?

Um,

thank you for asking, Tyrone.

I miss having someone who thinks
about me all the time.

Someone who's not cats?

Poppa, this man is in pain.

Maybe if you shared
some of your pain,

you might help him heal.

So, what do you miss
about being married?

I miss not paying alimony.

Be serious. What do you miss?

I'm sorry. I wasn't clear?

Half... my money.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, damn. I hung up on him.

Just when we was getting
to the nitty-gritty.

You did that on purpose.
What are you hiding?

It's nunya.

Nunya business?

I know what nunya is, okay?

You can't fool me.

Okay, fine. I'm hiding nacha.

Well, see,
now we're getting somewhere.

Tell me about the nacha.

It's na... cha... business.

Uh, I'm sorry.
Where do you think you're going?

This conversation's over.

It's fine.

I'll handle it.

I am having a full-blown
candle catastrophe.

They ordered $300 of red candles

with no glass casing.

Damn it!

What does that mean?
It means

that all that wax is gonna melt

on the newly-purchased linen.

I knew it! Who do I punch?!

Okay. Calm down, baby.
It's not that serious.

But I love how you get mad
on my behalf.

Wait a minute.
What?

Where's the beef?

The beef?!

They took your beef? No! No!

Who would do such a thing?

Hulk smash!
Junior!

Now I got beef with them!

Junior, this is the third time
this week

you forgot
what I asked you to get.

I said, "Pick up beef
at the grocery store,"

and you got turkey.

Well, I thought

'cause I gave you
some serious beef last night,

you'd be tired of it.

Well, it was grade A.
Yeah.

And grass-fed.
Mm.

Minus the "G," minus the "R."

Minus the "G," min...

Honey, I cannot make
beef lasagna with turkey.

I'm sorry, babe.
I just got a lot on my mind,

trying to get this documentary
off the ground, you know?

Plus I'm trying
to make you laugh

'cause you're stressed,
and...

You forgive me?

I'm sorry.

I wuv you...

twuwy, deepwy.

Is that Elmer J. Fudd?

Sorry. I got lost in the cute.

I said, I said, I said,
that's all, Damon!

Okay, see, now you're mixing
Porky Pig and Foghorn Leghorn.

I don't love that. Yeah.

It's better
if I just do the voices, right?

Better be the police.

The conversation is not over.

Now, you may not like me,

but we work together now,

and for the health of the show,

which now includes
the "F" word-- feelings--

you need
to express your feelings,

and not just to me but
to the people who are listening,

if this is gonna work.

You have to bare your soul,

and I... I need to know you,

backwards and forwards,
up and down.

How about inside and out?

Listen, Poppa,
you need to know this about me.

I am like the Terminator, okay?

I'm gonna ask a question
400 times,

and when I don't get my answer,
I'm gonna ask 400 more.

Yeah, well, the whole point
of The Terminator is,

he doesn't ask any questions.

Well, maybe that's why it didn't
work at the box office.

It was the biggest movie
in the world.

The point is, is that you don't
get to call the shots. We do.

Hey, no, everything's okay.

Huh?

Dinnertime.

Bon appétit.

What the hell is that smell?

Oh, that's, uh, sardines,
peanut butter and depression,

my childhood.

I'm so used to it,
I can barely smell it.

I didn't know
you had company.

I don't.
Yes, you do.

Like the Terminator says,
"I'll be coming back very soon."

That's not the line.
He never said that.

You are Dr. Reed.

I have all your books.
I'm a huge fan.

I listen to the show every day.

You are adding a whole new layer
to the conversation.

See?

Um, we were just about
to have a housewarming dinner.

We would be honored
if you'd join us.

No, no, no, no, she can't.
She has to go feed her cats.

I would love
to join you for dinner.
Aw.

Well, if I got to sit
through you, at least

- I have the...
- meat!

Meat!

Sorry.

That was absolutely delicious.

Really? I was nervous
because I made it with turkey.

Wait, this is turkey meat,

not meat meat?

Yeah, because
somebody forgot the beef.

Yeah, that somebody is me.

I forget everything.

Wedding anniversaries,

Mother's Day,
scheduled C-sections.

How many kids he has.
Six?

What my name is.
Christopher.

You know... cute,
little things like that.

I'm adorable, really.

Hmm.

Well, that was
a pretty loaded "Hmm."

Oh. It's nothing.
Never mind.

Hmm.

It's obviously not nothing.
You did it again.

Well, I mean, it's just,

when a husband
forgets the things

that are important
to his wife,

some people might construe it
as a sign of disrespect.

Ah, that's all.

I mean,

wouldn't you agree,
Christopher?

Hmm.
Hmm.

Mmm! Now that's turkey.

What?

Well, I mean, listen,
if you guys don't have a problem

with it,
then it's not a problem.

I like her.
Until it becomes a problem.

I changed my mind.

Hmm. Well, see,

between your husband's,
um, weaponized incompetence

and his fraudulent anger,

I think

that we have the beginnings

of a potentially
toxic marriage.

Oh, my God.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Relax. She doesn't know us.

I mean, the apple doesn't fall
far from the bald-headed tree.

Damn right, it doesn't.

Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga,
chugga-chugga,

wine, wine!

We got to fix this.
Grab the bottle.

Wait, don't...
Nina, no...

Take the wine, leave the meat.

Nina and I even laughed
about this earlier.

I don't know what happened.

This is, like, the first time
my cute didn't work on her.

And I'm all out
of Looney Tune characters.

Well, not quite.

Junior, this is serious.

Okay? Stop with
the stupid voices.

Why?

Sorry. That's it,
that's it, that's it.

Look, Nina is special,

and if you let that
she-devil brainwash her,

you're gonna lose the best thing
that ever happened to you.

Take it from someone
who knows.

Now, here.
Go make things right.

Teddy Pendergrass?
Yeah.

Yeah. Women can't resist
the sounds of Teddy.

Your mama used to drop her
drawers when Teddy come on.

She'd start taking
her drawers down.

Yuck.

Her drawers?

Yeah, that's what women
wore back then-- drawers.

The thong didn't come out
until, like, the '90s.

That's when they figured out
how to charge women more

for less drawers.

I mean, yeah,
this is great and all,

but, like, I-I can't
go back there now,

she said she
needed her space.

Well, if it's that easy,
then I need my space, too.

Now go home, son.

That's your house. Say it.

That's my house.

No, put some stank on it.

That's my house.

That's better, but now
say it like Sam Jackson

in a Tarantino movie.

That is my house, mother--

Yep, yep, yep.
You're there.

Okay, go.
All right.

To my house!
Yes.

Which is technically
my wife's house

that her father's paying for.
No, you're spiraling, okay?

Yeah, yeah,
irregardless, I am upset!

Yes.
Honey,

where's my super suit?

She's very upset.

Did not like
my Sam Jackson impression.

And her drawers stayed up.

Did you do that stupid
Marvin the Martian thing again?

Only for a second.

Look, I do get irritated
when he forgets,

but then I remember he has
so many other amazing qualities.

He's a great dad,
he's funny,

he's sweet and sensitive

and he has so much...
Malignant charm.

Yeah. That's what
you're describing.

I wrote about it
in my other book,

The Charm Alarm:

When Cute Stops Being Cute.

Mm-hmm.

See, it's part of
his deception,

his get out of
jail free card.

Nina, you and me,
we are empaths,

we are narcissist magnets.

And by narcissist,
you mean someone

who doesn't agree
with you.

You said it.

Girl, if you let malignant charm
go unchallenged,

then one day you will find
yourself on your parents' porch,

with a half-eaten ham sandwich
owing David Smith alimony

for the rest of your life.

That is a very specific example.

I lived it so you don't have to.

Girl, help me help you help him.

Mama needs some, too.

Don't worry about me, Dad.

Won't even know I'm here.

How can I not know you're here

when you keep yelling
"I'm not here"?

Just joshing you, Dad.

You really going to bed
right now? It's 7:00.

How old are you? 100?

Apparently not old enough to
have a son who lives on his own.

Is that my toothbrush?

Oh, yeah, don't worry,

I'm not brushing
my teeth with it,

I'm just using it to stimulate
my vagus nerve.

I don't know where
that nerve is,

but I don't want my toothbrush
anywhere near it.

Oh, yeah, it's like
right back here,

you just got to...

And then you get it
on the right.

And then you can put your hand
behind your head and go like...

Well, my eyes are watery.

That's when you know
it's working.

Yeah, I do it every night,
you know, to, uh,

ease my anxiety and reset my
parasympathetic nervous system.

You can remember all that,
but you can't remember beef?

Want to try it?
No. Get that out of here.

Fine.

I'll go downstairs and watch TV.

I should've
never left you, Harriet.

What a fool I've been.
Such a fool.

Too loud. I can hear that.

Fine, I'll mute it.

I still hear it.

It's muted!

You think you're slick,

but I can ever hear the rays.

I'm sorry, Dad, I just...

I miss her so much.

We haven't spent a night apart
since Maya was a baby.

Chocolate?

No.

I got diabetes.
You trying to kill me?

Sorry.

Look, son, I know you think

you're giving her
her space right now,

but rule number one
in a relationship

is never give a woman
too much time to stew.

The same thing happened
with me and your mother.

We were going through
some problems

and I gave her space,
just like you.

And then Catherine went to
her girlfriends for advice.

Next thing you know,
I'm divorced,

I'm full of regret,

sitting next to
my 35-year-old son

with chocolate
all over the house.

Wow. I-I didn't
know any of this.

Well, if you had the chance
to do it again,

what would you do?

I would talk to her.

I would express my feelings
and reassure her of my love.

Which is what
you need to do.

Dad, you know,

I appreciate
everything you're saying,

but, like, I know Nina
better than you.

She needs space,
she needs time to just...

let this whole thing
blow over.

Listen, you may know Nina
better than me,

but I know life
better than you.

And if you're not gonna ball up
and go handle this,

then I'm gonna
do it for you.

And number ten
in our list of demands

for you to regain your footing
in this marriage,

no more short jokes.

About time.
Although, you are short.

Girl, I'm small as hell.

Oh, wait,
no, no, no. No.

I'll, uh, I'll handle it.

Remember, being right
is half the fight.

Wait, what's the other half?

I don't know.

I haven't finished
writing that book yet.

Coming.

I need to talk to Nina.

Uh-uh. Absolutely not.

And I'm advocating for Nina.

No, you're agitating for Nina.

Come on. I got you.
Y-You, too.

Step into my office.

Go ahead,
it's neutral territory.

Here.

Review this with your son
and then let's discuss.

A list of demands?

Hell no.

I am not negotiating
with a terrorist.

And what gives you the right
to interfere in their marriage?

Look, I am just trying
to help your son

and his lovely wife
with their very real problem.

The only real problem I see
is you.

Junior and Nina
are a happy couple.

The happiest I've ever known.

They should be writing books
about love, not you.

Out of my way.

What?
Say "what" again.

Say "what" again. I dare you.

I double dare you.

Move, Poison Ivy.

I miss my wife's love garden.

Junior?

Nina, I am so sorry for
hurting your feelings.

It's just when you forget
things we talked about,

it makes me feel unheard
and insignificant.

Well, I heard that.

I'm gonna work on my forgetties.

And just so you know,

out of all the
things I forget,

I'll never forget
how much I love you.

Can I have a kiss?

Yes.

So will you just go now?

No.

Not until you tell me what
you miss about being married.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

You know, this isn't about work.
This is about you.

Why is this so important to you?

Because I know that deep down
you have a heart.

I would just like you
to show it.

If I tell you, will you go?

Yes.

Okay. That.

That's what I miss
about being married.

I miss having somebody that...

gets me, flaws and all.

It's hard to walk
this earth alone.

It really is, isn't it?

Now was that so hard?

And you're still here.

You still mad at me?

If I say yes, are you gonna
show up at my house again

and ask why?

It'll never happen again.
I know it won't.

Because I'm getting
a restraining order

against you.

Listen, I thought about it
last night and you were...

What?

You were right.

You think?

Yes.

But, by the way,
you did help inspire

the title of my new book,

Two Wrongs Don't Mean
I Ain't Right.

That was a joke.

See, what you don't know
about me is I'm funny.

No one knows that about you.

Are you kidding?

Did you not hear my

Schwarzenegger character?

That was a character?

I thought you
was having a stroke.

Anyway, hey, good people.

This first song is a joint
by the Black Eyed Peas.

And it's going out to my
hilarious cohost, Dr. Reed.

Y'all sit back,

listen and learn.

Well, thank you, Poppa.
That is so sweet.

♪ Shut up, just shut up,
shut up ♪

♪ Shut up,
just shut up, shut up ♪

♪ Shut up, just shut up... ♪

You hear that?
You should try that.

Huh?

♪ Shut up, just shut up,
shut up. ♪

Wait, this is turkey meat?

I thought
you'd get beef meat.

I could make...

25 thongs out of one pair
of your mama's drawers.

Did you do another one

of those stupid voices?

Only the Marvin the Martian--

Like the Terminator says,

"I'll be back
very soon, baby."

He never said that.

That's Arnold Schwarzen-naver.
Arnold Palmer, maybe?

It's Schwarzen-navel.
That's what that is.

Get to the chopper!

Kind of.

Get to your car
and get out of here.

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