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1
00:00:01,234 --> 00:00:04,036
[blues harmonica]
2
00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:08,774
D.J.! Get down here!
Your grandma's gonna
be here
3
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:10,542
To pick you up any second!
4
00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:11,677
[A.J.] I have homework!
5
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:13,846
You can do it
in the car!
6
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,514
I'm sick!
7
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,282
You can do that
in the car, too!
8
00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:22,154
I don't wanna go
to the ballet!
Ballets are for girls.
9
00:00:22,155 --> 00:00:26,025
[laughing] D.J.!
Ballets aren't just
for girls. They're fun.
10
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,627
And you know, you just
might learn somethin'.
11
00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:30,662
[scoffs] please...
[laughs]
12
00:00:30,663 --> 00:00:34,199
Yeah, he's gonna learn how
to mince around in public,
wearing tights.
13
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,634
Why the ballet?
14
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:37,736
'cause we get rid of him
for two days, you know?
15
00:00:37,737 --> 00:00:39,605
And if he comes back
with certain awakenings,
16
00:00:39,606 --> 00:00:42,074
Well, we had
the weekend.
17
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:48,147
Morning.
[deliberate mumbling]
18
00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:49,314
Where'd you hide
becky's present?
19
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:51,784
In the cereal.
What if she eats it?
20
00:00:51,785 --> 00:00:54,787
Dan, other people look
at their food first.
21
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,856
What you doin',
Becky?
22
00:00:57,857 --> 00:00:59,458
Lookin' for a job.
23
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:01,593
Oh. Well, in that case,
you'll need some cereal.
24
00:01:01,594 --> 00:01:04,863
I'll get it.
Thanks. I'm not
that hungry.
25
00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:08,567
You're gonna need your
strength, you're gonna be
out there lookin' for work.
26
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,936
Right. I guess i'll have
some toast or somethin'.
27
00:01:10,937 --> 00:01:13,906
What's the matter?
You too good for cereal,
all of a sudden?
28
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,808
Fine! I'll have cereal.
29
00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:27,386
Oh my god. What's
this check for?
30
00:01:27,387 --> 00:01:30,189
That's enough for
a full semester at
the community college.
31
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,157
Assuming none of your
classes require books.
32
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:35,527
Can you guys afford this?
33
00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,629
Well, funniest thing
happened, the other day.
34
00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:41,734
I was out shootin'
at some food,
35
00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:43,635
When up through the ground
come a-bubblin' crude.
36
00:01:43,636 --> 00:01:46,271
And I circled some of
the courses that you
might be interested in,
37
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:49,508
Particularly this "classics
of your world literature,"
there,
38
00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:51,844
So you can understand
what me and your daddy's
talkin' about
39
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,645
Around the dinner table.
40
00:01:53,646 --> 00:01:56,215
Man, you guys,
this is so great!
41
00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:57,516
I gotta go tell Mark.
Hm.
42
00:01:59,652 --> 00:02:01,787
Well, Dan...
[sighs]
43
00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:06,158
We got two -- count
em', too -- daughters
in college.
44
00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:08,060
Yeah, we're gonna have
a lot of explainin' to do
45
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,795
At the next white
trash luncheon.
46
00:02:10,897 --> 00:02:12,798
chicago, chicago
47
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:15,868
the gay grandma's town
48
00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:19,271
Mom, she's singing!
49
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:21,173
Hello, everybody!
50
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,975
I was thinking.
51
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,611
Since d.J. Are I are gonna
spend a weekend in chicago,
52
00:02:25,612 --> 00:02:27,980
Wouldn't it be wonderful
if we dropped in on
Darlene?
53
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,314
[gasps]
mom!
54
00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,884
Aw, Darlene
and the ballet!
55
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,218
Christmas has come early
56
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:35,988
For a certain little
boy I know!
57
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,158
Ha ha! No.
Tomorrow night,
don't wait up!
58
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,827
We won't be back
until after 10!
59
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,063
Oh, bev. You'll be
back before that.
60
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,864
It's only a
two-four drive.
61
00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:49,201
55 is the speed
limit, Dan. The limit!
62
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:51,637
It doesn't mean you
have to go that fast.
63
00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:52,771
Okay.
64
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:56,241
Meanest mom alive!
65
00:02:56,242 --> 00:03:00,746
Hey, mom! Just last week,
D.J. was askin' me about
big band leaders.
66
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,948
Well, that is lucky!
I have the whole
67
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:07,353
K-tel fabulous 40's
collection in the car!
68
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,355
Get ready to swing!
69
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:14,993
You gonna tell Darlene
they're comin'?
70
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:17,196
No. I want her
to be there.
71
00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:21,233
Oh, what have we here?
72
00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:25,337
What's that?
Yuletide greetings,
Delaware st. dwellers!
73
00:03:25,338 --> 00:03:26,739
From the neighborhood
association.
74
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,808
Oh, them "mow your lawn"
people?
75
00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:31,977
This holiday season,
we're asking everyone
76
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:33,779
To restrict their
decorations to simple
77
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,781
White lights, in order
to avoid eyesores
78
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,717
Such as last year's
faded plastic santas
79
00:03:38,718 --> 00:03:40,252
And 3-legged reindeer.
80
00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:44,323
Well, what are we
supposed to do with him?
Shoot him?
81
00:03:46,726 --> 00:03:48,827
They've singled us
out, honey.
82
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,796
We're the tackiest house
in the whole neighborhood.
83
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:53,866
Well... [sighs]
84
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,368
This year, I say...
85
00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,237
...We go for
the national title.
86
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,307
[blues]
87
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:41,980
[laughing]
88
00:04:47,253 --> 00:04:49,254
[David] this really
sucks, Darlene.
89
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,256
I'll stay here alone,
on christmas,
90
00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:53,926
In this room, with
no one to talk to.
91
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:56,595
Well, why don't you just
come home with me?
92
00:04:56,596 --> 00:05:00,366
Right. Like your mom's gonna
believe I left my mom
for christmas.
93
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:02,368
I left mine for thanksgiving.
94
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:05,871
Yeah, but you're a bad
daughter. I'm a good son.
95
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:08,340
Well, fine. Then stay.
96
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,109
Well, i'm gonna
have to eat.
97
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,678
Which means i'll have
to spend that money
we've been saving.
98
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:15,981
112 dollars? No way!
99
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:19,852
My mom never spent that
much money on food,
my whole life!
100
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:20,953
Never mind.
101
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,454
[knocking on door]
102
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:23,922
Who is it?
103
00:05:23,923 --> 00:05:26,158
[Bev] D.J.'s in town
to see The Nutcracker,
104
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,594
And he brought you
a singing granda-gram!
105
00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:31,196
Move! Move! Oh my god!
106
00:05:31,197 --> 00:05:34,967
[Bev]
your grandmother and D.J.
are at your door
107
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:38,203
your grandmother and D.J.
are at your d-
108
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:40,572
Ah, surprise!
109
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:42,641
We're here for the weekend.
Ha ha ha...
110
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,076
And you're staying-
here?
111
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,611
Oh, don't be silly!
112
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:47,312
We're staying
at Aunt Shirley's!
113
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:51,350
Oh, it's so great
to see you.
114
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,018
This place smells like feet.
115
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:58,257
So! This is how the artsy
kids are living today.
116
00:05:58,258 --> 00:05:59,925
My... [chuckles]
117
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:02,661
You know, i'm taking
a ceramics class.
118
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:04,663
We have a lot
in common.
119
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:09,001
I gotta go to
the bathroom.
120
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,069
No.
121
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:12,871
Well, now, Darlene.
Just let the boy go.
122
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:15,741
Holding it too long
could harm his ability
to have children.
123
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:25,117
Ah, look at this place.
It's- so charming. [chuckles]
124
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:28,454
And, uh- how binding
is your lease?
125
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,525
Uh, grandma. I really
like it here.
126
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:35,461
Of course you do, dear.
127
00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:37,896
Filth is fun
when you're young.
128
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,133
Come on, D.J.!
129
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:44,937
Darlene, we'll pick you up
at noon tomorrow.
130
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,439
I've bought you a ticket
to The Nutcracker.
131
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,808
They have dancing mice.
132
00:06:49,809 --> 00:06:52,111
Oh, well, gee, grandma.
I have those here.
133
00:06:54,514 --> 00:06:56,382
Hi, D.J.
134
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,716
Hi, Darlene.
135
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,724
Grandma, can we
go shopping?
136
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,426
I thought you didn't
want to shop!
137
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,229
I changed my mind.
I wanna spend my money.
138
00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,498
All 112 dollars of it.
139
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:19,872
112 dollars? My!
Where did you get that?
140
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,006
I earned it.
141
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:31,917
And i've got not 3,
not 4,
142
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:33,085
But 8 wise men.
143
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,756
That ain't a wise man.
That's gumby.
144
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:40,392
Well, we'll just use some
myrrh to level out his head,
145
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,361
And no one will know
the difference.
146
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,663
Great idea. And then we can
have the blessed virgin
147
00:07:44,664 --> 00:07:46,465
Ride into Bethlehem
on pokey.
148
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,568
Two mangers!
149
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:52,738
Well! Dueling saviors!
150
00:07:52,739 --> 00:07:54,573
Hah-hoo!
151
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,575
And that's not all.
152
00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:57,576
Ta-daa!
153
00:07:57,577 --> 00:07:59,044
Liberace.
154
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:04,316
Because there was no room
at the desert inn.
155
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,585
Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you.
156
00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:08,053
Well, you did pretty
good, Dan.
157
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:10,289
But, uh, i'm afraid
all of your stuff
158
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,959
Pales, in comparison
to my find.
159
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:18,097
You see, pancho's
went out of business.
160
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,508
Behold! The goddess
of tacky.
161
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:35,014
Hey, i'll see you after
I pick up the application, okay?
162
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,415
Oh, by the way,
thanks for the money.
163
00:08:36,416 --> 00:08:38,584
That was uh-
really cool of you guys.
164
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:41,954
Where's he goin'?
165
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,257
Welp, Mark and I
talked things over,
166
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,059
And we decided
the best way
to use the money
167
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,794
Would be to send Mark
to school.
168
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,229
Hey, you- wait a minute!
169
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,765
That's supposed to be
Becky money, not Mark money.
170
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:56,001
Well, there's this new
course at the tech school,
on how to run a garage.
171
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:58,570
In 6 months, he'll be able
to get a good job,
and pay for my college.
172
00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,540
Wake up, Becky! In 6 months,
you couldn't teach him
173
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,575
To pull his hand
off a hot burner.
174
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,448
Dad? Wouldn't you rather
pay for 6 months
of his college
175
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,316
Than 4 years of mine?
176
00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:12,785
You know, that does-
177
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,586
Dan! We worked hard
for that money!
178
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:16,455
That coulda been our
dream vacation.
179
00:09:16,456 --> 00:09:18,691
Dollywood and twitty city.
180
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,894
Dad!
Dan...
181
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,662
Daddy!
Danny...
182
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,197
[moaning roar]
183
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,766
Boy, do I have no
opinion about this.
184
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,802
Well, dapper Dan,
you have to pick a side.
185
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,036
A side, Roseanne?
186
00:09:31,037 --> 00:09:33,472
Well, my side!
187
00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,140
Mom! You can't
do that!
188
00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:36,875
Well, what if, uh-
when he gets out,
189
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:38,911
Mark doesn't get a job?
Okay?
190
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,380
What if they are only
hiring women and minorities,
191
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:45,184
Or people that aren't
distracted by shiny objects?
192
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:48,053
This is what's
right for us.
No. I don't think it is.
193
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:50,522
I think it's a mistake,
and i'm not gonna let you
do it with my money.
194
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,658
[sighs] okay.
Fine, then!
195
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:54,460
We don't need you
or your stupid money.
196
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,695
From now on, we're gonna
do everything all by
ourselves.
197
00:09:56,696 --> 00:09:58,764
We're gonna pay for
our own food, rent...
Everything!
198
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,000
[sighs] oh, well,
that really hurts.
199
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:02,267
Hey! If you really
wanna kill us,
200
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,136
Why don't you just go out
and buy us a car?
201
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,875
Say somethin', Dan!
202
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,944
I'm pretty sure that
Mrs. Puente is the head
203
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,080
Of the neighborhood
association that sent
us this nice letter.
204
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:17,616
I think we'll plug in
over at her house
this year.
205
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,361
What a lovely afternoon!
You know, I never feel like
206
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,865
It's christmas till
I see The Nutcracker.
207
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,534
Oh. That was the longest
4 hours of my life.
208
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:39,471
I never thought i'd long
for the ice capades.
209
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:42,708
Well, D.J. we should
really be getting back
to Lanford.
210
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:46,679
You say goodbye
to your sister while
I powder my nose.
211
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:49,715
Well, this should
be an experience.
212
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:55,287
D.J., I bought you your
video games yesterday.
213
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:58,657
Now we're even. You keep
your mouth shut about
David, or you die.
214
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,025
Okay.
215
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,596
Why's David here,
anyway?
216
00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,799
Because he couldn't stand
your smell, either.
217
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,269
No. Really.
Why is he here?
218
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,071
Because we wanted
to be together.
219
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,405
Why?
220
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:16,108
Because we do.
221
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,576
When you have a
girlfriend someday,
222
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:20,012
Or a really good
blow-up doll,
you'll understand.
223
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:28,554
Do you guys have sex?
224
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,990
[half-laughs] that is
not for you to know.
225
00:11:31,991 --> 00:11:33,759
I'll tell mom about David.
226
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:35,527
Oh, all right, D.J.
227
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,430
I'm gonna level with you,
and talk to you like
you're an adult.
228
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:41,066
No. David and I
are not having sex.
229
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,803
They told us at school.
230
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:47,773
If you don't want a baby,
you'd better use birth control.
231
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,710
No. No. This conversation
is not happening.
232
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,880
So do you use
birth control?
233
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:58,117
Yes, D.J. we keep
a picture of you
right next to the bed.
234
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,222
You're not ever coming
home again, are you?
235
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,224
You should be so lucky.
236
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,626
It's all different now.
237
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,194
What is?
238
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:10,462
Everything.
239
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,398
Becky just cares
about Mark.
240
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,766
You're gone.
241
00:12:16,436 --> 00:12:20,973
Well, gee, Deej. I never
thought you'd actually
miss me.
242
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,108
You want me to, like,
sit on your head
or somethin'?
243
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,812
Mm, no. Maybe later.
244
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,054
Got a girl job, here.
I need someone to untangle
245
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,056
These christmas lights.
246
00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,691
Lookit, they marked
all their stuff.
247
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:41,226
Healy cheese.
Healy jelly.
248
00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:44,863
And healy pudding treats.
Can you believe that?
249
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:47,533
No. When did they start
makin' chocolate mint?
250
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:50,836
And then she did their
laundry this morning.
251
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:52,771
Look what I found on top
of the washing machine.
252
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,240
4 healy quarters.
What do you say to that?
253
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:57,009
[sets down quarters]
great.
254
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,711
I'm gonna buy me
a puddin'.
255
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:03,048
Dan, you have got to
talk Mark out of goin'
to that school.
256
00:13:03,049 --> 00:13:04,216
I can't do that.
257
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,685
Yes, you can.
You just talk real slow.
258
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:09,855
No. I'm busy untangli''
these lights.
259
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,425
[snips] there.
They're untangled.
260
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,964
Hi, dad.
261
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,532
Oh, quit suckin' up.
262
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,901
He's not gonna
take a side.
263
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:23,902
So where have
you been?
264
00:13:23,903 --> 00:13:25,471
I got a job at
a restaurant.
265
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,473
Startin' training
today.
266
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,346
What?
267
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,948
Buns?
268
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:37,182
It's my waitress uniform!
269
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:39,251
You're workin' at
that buns place?
270
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,220
Hmm. Well, I don't know
about you, Dan.
271
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,856
But I have absolutely
no opinion on this at all.
272
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:48,427
Does you husband
know what you're doin'?
273
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,828
Yes.
Unbelievable.
274
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:50,929
This isn't gonna
happen, Becky.
275
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:52,464
I am old enough
to do what I want.
276
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:53,999
And I want to send
my husband to school.
277
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,068
As long as you are living
under my roof,
278
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,169
You are not workin' there.
279
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,771
Yeah. Your dad
is right.
280
00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:01,306
And we're gonna give her
back the check, so Mark
can go to school.
281
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:04,009
Your dad's an idiot.
282
00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,844
Roseanne, you wanted me
to take a side?
283
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,681
My little girl is not
going to work dressed
like that.
284
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,616
I am not a little girl!
285
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,052
Why can't either of you
take me seriously?
286
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,321
Because you've got
words on your butt.
287
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:17,990
Now go change
your clothes.
288
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,626
[heavy sigh]
289
00:14:20,627 --> 00:14:23,462
So what? Now you just
wanna give Mark the money?
290
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:26,131
No, Roseanne. Believe it
or not, i'm not too thrilled
with the guy right now.
291
00:14:26,132 --> 00:14:28,500
But i've seen what goes
on in that place,
292
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,669
And I don't want my daughter
to have anything to do
with it.
293
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,638
[heavy sigh]
294
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,239
You've been inside
that place?
295
00:14:38,945 --> 00:14:41,647
Ugh. [snorts] yeah.
I heard the food
was good, and...
296
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,149
...You know,
brand new,
and they...
297
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,618
...Coupon...Hey!
Mark's the bad guy here!
298
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,053
I got work to do!
299
00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:25,090
[deep breath]
300
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:26,825
Hey, can you staple
this down there?
301
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:28,560
Sure, sure.
Thanks.
302
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:30,496
[staples, hard]
watch it!
303
00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:31,730
Oh, is that your foot?
Yeah!
304
00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:32,865
Sorry.
[slams stapler]
305
00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:34,199
What are ya doin'
that for?
306
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,868
I did that 'cause
get a damn job.
[staples hard]
307
00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:36,902
Hey, i'm tryin', here.
308
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,203
Yeah. Sure, you are.
309
00:15:38,204 --> 00:15:39,972
Why should you, when you can
have your wife go out there
310
00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:43,008
And shake her money-maker?
I can't believe you let her
work there.
311
00:15:43,009 --> 00:15:45,644
What do you mean, let her?
I don't make my wife's
decisions.
312
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,414
She's got some
rights in this marraige.
313
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,549
Oh, that is just beautiful.
314
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:55,654
Yeah, well. I didn't
really buy it, either.
315
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,056
It sounded better
when Becky said it.
316
00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,257
And of course,
she was screaming.
317
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,526
So you're against her
having this job?
318
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,860
Yeah, I was against it!
319
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:04,663
Forbid her.
You forbid her?
320
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,933
Oh, man. That can't
have been good!
[laughing]
321
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:09,802
Yeah. Then she started
yelling, you know.
322
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,570
"just because you married
me, doesn't mean you own me.
323
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:13,272
"i'm an adult, and- "
324
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:15,307
And she'll do what
she damn well pleases.
325
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:17,509
How'd you know?
[laughs]
326
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:18,944
[sighs]
327
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,080
I remember everything
about my wedding night.
328
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,553
Man, is it always gonna
be like this?
329
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:28,687
Nah. No, because eventually,
330
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:32,358
Like water to a man
crossing the desert,
331
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,059
Comes sweet,
sweet death.
332
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,163
Huh?
Never mind.
333
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,932
You see, Mark,
334
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:42,501
In a marraige, there's
3 things that can happen.
335
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,571
First, there's your
win/lose situation.
336
00:16:45,572 --> 00:16:47,706
That's where you get
what you want,
337
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,375
And she has to sacrifice.
338
00:16:49,376 --> 00:16:52,211
Okay.
That one's mostly
theoretical.
339
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:55,748
The second one, there's
the lose/win situation.
340
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,516
That's where she gets
what she wants,
341
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,019
And you lose it.
Much more common.
342
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,924
Then finally, and as long
as you'll be livin' under
this roof,
343
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,559
There's the win/win
situation.
344
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,528
That's where Becky gets
what she wants,
345
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,196
And Roseanne gets
what she wants.
346
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,268
Where do you want this?
Mark?
347
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,904
Uh, where does mrs.
Conner want this?
348
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,839
Now you're talkin'
like a man.
349
00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:25,010
So, like you've been dealin'
with this stuff for 20 years?
350
00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,446
I mean, how do you
do it?
351
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:28,947
Well, Mark...
[sighs]
352
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:31,917
After a while, husbands
go to places they can
call their own.
353
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,787
You know, guy places
like the garage.
The basement.
354
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:37,256
The roof.
Bingo.
355
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:40,292
Yeah, I come up here
all the time and fix
these damn loose shingles.
356
00:17:41,995 --> 00:17:43,162
Yah!
357
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,666
See, now?
358
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,802
This baby will keep me
all of next week.
359
00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:52,371
[shingle hits ground]
360
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,273
And the beauty part is,
361
00:17:54,274 --> 00:17:57,576
The women send us up here
without knowin' we life it.
362
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,746
You know, Dan, i'm real,
uh, glad we got to talk
like this. You know?
363
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,848
I'm really feelin'
better about things,
and-
364
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,584
Think i'm learni''
something.
[opens beer]
365
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,853
See? Now I bet you thought
I was payin' attention.
366
00:18:09,856 --> 00:18:13,025
[laughs]
tomorrow, i'll show
you how to do that.
367
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,159
[clink beers]
368
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,332
You're gonna give her
the check, Roseanne.
369
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:22,001
You might as well admit
she beat ya.
370
00:18:22,002 --> 00:18:23,969
She did not beat me.
371
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:26,105
None of my kids has
ever beat me,
372
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:27,506
Ever since I became
a mother.
373
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,008
I am undefeated.
374
00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:33,212
And that is in 10
different weight classes.
375
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,714
How about when Becky
was 6, and she gave you
the silent treatment
376
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,416
Till you got her
the barbie collection?
377
00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,352
I didn't get her that
barbie collection.
That was santa claus.
378
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:43,756
So what's it taste like?
379
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:46,058
What?
The beer. I been
pregnant for so long.
380
00:18:46,059 --> 00:18:49,161
Describe it to me.
Mmm...
381
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,296
You aren't missing
nothing.
382
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:54,900
[burps]
383
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:56,769
Hoo! That hits the spot.
384
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,173
Becky?
385
00:19:03,910 --> 00:19:05,310
[sighs] here ya go.
386
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,646
[Jackie] mm-hm.
Told you so, Roseanne.
387
00:19:08,882 --> 00:19:11,884
Not from me.
It's from santy claus.
388
00:19:11,885 --> 00:19:14,219
Even if we're gonna
use it to send
Mark to school?
389
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,822
Doesn't matter, as long
as you quit that horrible
job of yours.
390
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,657
I am not quitting the job!
391
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,326
Oh, Becky. Come on.
You won.
392
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,662
Don't kick your mom
while she's down.
393
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,165
I didn't take the job
to bother mom.
394
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,534
Ha! What, that's just
one of the perks?
395
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:31,070
Including tips, I get
14 bucks an hour.
396
00:19:31,071 --> 00:19:32,938
14 bucks an hour.
397
00:19:32,939 --> 00:19:35,374
Wow, maybe I should
sashay down there
398
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:37,910
And pull one of them
outfits up over
my fat ass.
399
00:19:43,083 --> 00:19:44,216
Come on, mom.
400
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,352
No! Hey! If you
dignity's for sale,
401
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,886
Why shouldn't mine be?
402
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,588
Oh, please.
403
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:52,157
If this family had any
dignity, there wouldn't be
a row of elves
404
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:53,692
On the front lawn,
mooning the angel gabriel.
405
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:56,495
Hey. We are not
degrading ourselves
for tips.
406
00:19:56,496 --> 00:20:00,799
We are degrading ourselves
for the sheer holiday
joy of it.
407
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,835
But you know, Roseanne.
This money could help
408
00:20:02,836 --> 00:20:05,104
Her and Mark get out of here.
Start a life of their own.
409
00:20:05,105 --> 00:20:07,239
Jackie, she hasn't
even thought this
through all the way.
410
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,975
I mean, you might be
feelin' real good
about makin' big money.
411
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,978
But when you come home
at night, you're gonna
feel like trash.
412
00:20:12,979 --> 00:20:16,515
I'll feel like i'm helping
my family get back on
its feet.
413
00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:19,651
[sighs] well, what if it
doesn't work out that way?
414
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:23,088
I mean, you don't really
know what's gonna happen
between you and Mark.
415
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:25,090
[sighs] you still
don't get it.
416
00:20:25,091 --> 00:20:26,959
Mark is not my boyfriend.
He's my husband!
417
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,861
That means forever!
418
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:35,401
[sighs] she's a married
woman, Roseanne!
[sighs heavily]
419
00:20:39,873 --> 00:20:41,206
Becky, come back here.
420
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:43,942
Now you're doin'
the right thing.
[sighs]
421
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:45,344
What?
422
00:20:45,345 --> 00:20:47,179
Here. C'mon.
423
00:20:47,180 --> 00:20:49,014
Do you mean it?
424
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,016
Yes. I do mean it.
425
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,985
I will, uh-
426
00:20:52,986 --> 00:20:54,687
Try to accept
your marriage,
427
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:57,322
And your new career
as a prostitute.
428
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,126
Thanks.
429
00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,795
[loud thudding]
430
00:21:05,231 --> 00:21:06,865
Every damn year.
431
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,837
Mom, they're actually workin'
pretty hard up there.
432
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,472
Workin'?
Heh heh heh.
433
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:16,275
Don't kid yourself.
They like it up there.
[clears throat]
434
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:19,345
Dan finally found himself
a little playmate
435
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,146
That knows all about, uh-
436
00:21:21,147 --> 00:21:24,516
Double-socket wrench,
uh, thingers.
[laughing]
437
00:21:26,453 --> 00:21:28,887
The two of them really
have a lot in common.
438
00:21:28,888 --> 00:21:30,789
You know, it's like...
[laughing]
439
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,825
It's like the two of you
married the same guy.
440
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:39,398
Where are you goin'?
441
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:41,066
Get the hard liquor.
442
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:50,542
443
00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:07,593
Roseanne. Your christmas
decorations outside
are appalling.
444
00:22:07,594 --> 00:22:11,163
The wise men are
supposed to be adoring
the baby Jesus,
445
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:14,566
Not leering at
Mrs. Claus.
446
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:18,103
Well, of course they're
leerin' at her.
447
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,239
She's wearin' one of
those buns outfits.
448
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:25,878
And what on earth
are those shepherds
doing to the flock?
449
00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:28,714
Praising them.
450
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:34,653
Well, it's time to turn on
our simple white lights.
451
00:22:39,259 --> 00:22:40,959
Mother harris,
won't you join us?
452
00:22:55,975 --> 00:22:57,509
[light switch turns]
453
00:22:59,245 --> 00:23:01,747
[Bev]
what is santa claus doing?
454
00:23:03,416 --> 00:23:05,684
[Roseanne] well, he's just
tellin' the whole neighborhood
455
00:23:05,685 --> 00:23:08,387
That christmas is
number one.
456
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:11,657
Hit that music, Dan!
457
00:23:11,658 --> 00:23:15,828
["jingle bells",sung by barking dogs]
46721
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