Original subtitles

"We've got three minutes till the reactor blows.

We'll never make it!"

"You've got to get out of here! Save yourself!"

"No, I won't leave you."

"Don't worry about me. I'm a robot. I'm just a machine!"

- "No, you're not. Not to me." - Oh, my God.

- What? - I am extremely talented.

- Yeah. You're great. - Yeah.

- Okay, let's take it from... - No, I was really acting my ass off.

I thought I was pretty good too.

Yeah, you're solid. You're just no me.

You know what? I think that's enough for now.

I don't want to be over-rehearsed. Ha-ha-ha.

Fine. I'll do it without you!

I don't need you or anybody else!

I'm gonna make it on my own!

You'll see! You'll all see!

So, what's this thing you're auditioning for?

It's a new TV show. Yeah.

I'm up for the part of Mac, Machiavelli, or "Mac"!

I'm a detective and I solve crimes with the help of my robot partner.

He's a computerized, humanoid...

...electronically enhanced secret enforcer.

Or, "C.H.E.E.S.E."

- So, Mac and C.H.E.E.S. E? - That's the title!

They really lucked out that the initials spell "cheese."

That is lucky.

Huh. So, Joey, if you get this, you're gonna be, like...

...the star of your own TV show.

I mean, you'll be like the "Big Cheese" or the "Big Mac." Hey, you love those!

Don't get your hopes up, because it's probably not gonna happen.

Now, why would you say that, Joseph?

Well, I mean, come on, you guys. My own TV show?

- I don't know if I'm good enough. - I am. Heh.

What are you talking about? You're a terrific actor.

- You really think so? - How can you even ask that question?

CHANDLER: She's pretty. - Yeah. And she's really nice too.

She taught me all about, you know, how to work with cameras...

...and "smell the fart" acting.

- I'm sorry, what'd you say? ROSS: Excuse me?

It's like you got so many lines to learn so fast...

...that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.

So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense.

You know, like this:

RACHEL: Oh. CHANDLER: Okay.

[GUNSHOT ON TV]

Here's my scene! Here's my scene!

Mrs. Wallace? I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.

You sister is suffering from a...

[IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT] Well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here.

And I would have to say, your problem is quite clear.

[SINGING] All you want is a dinkle

What you envy's a schwang

A thing through which you can tinkle

Or play with or simply let hang

I play Al Pacino's butt.

All right? He goes into the shower and then, I'm his butt.

- Oh, my God. - Come on, you guys.

This is a real movie and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!

No, it's terrific. You deserve this after all your years of struggling...

...you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

Okay, fine, make jokes. I don't care. This is a big break for me.

- No, you're right, it is. - Yeah.

So, you gonna invite us all to the big opening?

All right, I'm out of here. Wish me luck.

[SINGING] Good luck, good luck We all wish you good luck

Yeah, whatever.

It's your turn.

Oh, are we playing this?

- Hey. - Hey. How did the audition go?

Terrible. I messed up every line. I shouldn't even be an actor.

Wait. Are you doing that thing where you pretend it didn't go well...

...but it really did go well?

- Yeah, did I fool you? - Totally!

- So, it did go well? - It went amazingly well!

- Great. - That's great.

- It's down to me and two other guys. CHANDLER: Oh, my God.

I know both of them, and they're really good.

One's from those allergy commercials who's always being chased...

...by those big flowers. - Oh, I love that guy.

Oh. What are you doing?

What am I doing?

I'm so nervous, you know? The callback isn't till tomorrow at 5.

I feel like my head's gonna explode.

Well, it is overdue.

Don't worry, okay? You're gonna be fine.

Yeah, but it's so much pressure.

No offense, but what you guys all do is very different.

I don't know if you'd understand.

Yeah, none of the rest of us have to deal with pressure at our jobs.

Yes, I know what time it is...

...but I'm looking at the WENIS and I'm not happy.

Well, I'm tearing the lettuce.

- Uh-huh? Is it dirty? - No, don't worry, I'm gonna wash it.

Don't. I like it dirty.

That's your call.

So, uh, what are you going to do next?

Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatoes.

Are they firm?

They're all right.

You sure they haven't gone bad? You sure they're not very, very bad?

No, really. They're okay.

You gonna slice them up real nice?

Ahem. Actually, I was gonna do them julienne.

[MOANS]

I'm out of here.

Monica, I'm quitting. I just helped an 81 -year-old woman put on a thong...

...and she didn't even buy it.

I'm quitting. That's it. I'm talking to my boss right now.

Yes, I am. Yes, I am.

Okay, bye. Call me when you get this message.

Well, what happened?

Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until...

Oh, my God.

PHOEBE: And all of a sudden, his hands weren't the problem anymore.

- Was it? - Oh, Boy Scouts could've camped under there.

You ate my sandwich.

It was a simple mistake. It could happen to anyone.

Oh, really?

Now calm down.

Come look in my office. Some of it may still be in the trash.

- What? - Well, it was quite large.

I had to throw most of it away.

[STAMMERING]

You threw my sandwich away?

ROSS: My sandwich?

My sandwich!

It's just, I want this part so much, you know?

If I don't get this part, I'm never gonna eat macaroni and cheese again.

No, I didn't say that. That doesn't count.

Come on, guys. It's not like I moved to Europe.

I just moved across the hall.

And we would have you over all the time...

...if it weren't for Monica's allergies.

You're right, I could never lie to you.

She hates you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Should I get that? Ha-ha-ha.

Hello? Uh, no, Joey's not here right now.

Can I take a message?

Yeah, okay. So the audition's been moved from 5 to 2:30?

Okay, great. Bye.

[YELLS]

- Aren't you dressed yet? - Am I naked again?

We're supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.

Okay. I was just talking to the guys. Just look at them.

I mean, is it okay if they come visit?

What about my allergies?

Right. Your allergies.

All her. She hates you.

[QUACKING]

CHANDLER: Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes! All right.

How cool would it be if you could watch like a real life-size version of this?

- I mean, how crazy would that be? - As crazy as soccer?

[PHONE RINGS]

[JOEY CLEARS THROAT]

Hello?

What are you talking about? The audition's not till 5.

Well, nobody told me.

Who'd you talk to?

Never mind.

You mean you didn't get it from this?

The allergy guy got the part. Thanks.

Maybe we can fix it, you know?

Maybe we can send him some big, big flowers and scare him!

How could you do this to me?

This part could've turned my whole career around.

I messed up, okay? I'm sorry. I really messed up.

You don't even live here anymore. Why'd you answer my phone?

- I have a machine! - Which I bought for you.

Taught you how to use it. You thought it was a copier.

If there was anything I could do, I would do it, okay?

But everybody's allowed one mistake, right?

He could have gotten me a VCR. He could have gotten me golf clubs.

But no, he has to get me the "woman repeller."

The eyesore from the "Liberace House of Crap!"

- It's not that bad. - Easy for you to say.

You don't have to sport a reject from the "Mr. T Collection."

Chandler. Chandler.

[AS MR. T] I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry! I do! I do!

I pity the fool that...

Hi...

When you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking...

...and one thing led to another and...

And what? Did you sleep with her?

- No! No, I just kissed her. - What? That's even worse!

- How is that worse? - I don't know! But it's the same!

You're right, I have no excuses. I was totally over the line.

"Over the line?"

You're so far past the line that you can't even see the line!

Yeah, the line is a dot to you!

I'm not saying that you should magically forgive me.

But you're not perfect. You've made some errors in judgment too.

Name one.

What happened?

Aw, man! He promised he wouldn't take the chairs!

What the hell happened? How were you locked in?

And where the hell's all of our stuff?

This guy came by to look at the unit...

...and he said he didn't think it was big enough to fit a grown man.

So you got in voluntarily?

I was trying to make a sale!

Oh, man, if I ever run into that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?

Bend over?

There's Lorraine.

Okay, now remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

- Hi, Joey. JOEY: Hey.

[JOEY AND LORRAINE CHUCKLE]

Well, well. Look what you brought.

And what did you bring?

She's checking her coat.

Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands.

Will you get me a white Zinfandel and a glass of red for Janice?

Janice?

Oh, my God!

Joey's tailor took advantage of me.

What?

No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

He said he was gonna do my inseam...

...then he ran his hand up my leg and then there was definite...

What?

Cupping.

That's how they do pants!

Ross, will you tell him?

- Isn't that how a tailor measures pants? - Yes, yes, it is. In prison!

I said name one!

- I can't believe I did this. What an idiot. - Stop beating yourself up.

People make mistakes. These things happen.

There aren't any messages you've forgotten to give me, are there?

Apparently, you're not very good at it.

- Do you think he'll ever forgive me? - Of course he will.

Chandler, the most important thing is that you forgive yourself.

- You know what, I kind of have. - Already?

That was pretty bad, what you did.

You know what? He will forgive you.

I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone, just in case. Okay.

You didn't see how mad he was, you know?

I'm sure he will forgive you.

Look, we've all been there, you know? You fight, you make up.

That's the way it works.

It took two people to break up this relationship!

Yeah! You and that girl from the copy place...

...which yesterday you took full responsibility for!

I didn't know what I was taking responsibility for, okay?

I didn't finish the whole letter.

- What? - I fell asleep.

You fell asleep?

It was 5:30 in the morning.

And you had rambled on for 18 pages.

Front and back!

And by the way? Y-O-U, apostrophe R-E means, "you are."

Y-O-U-R means "your."

I can't believe I thought of getting back together with you.

We are so over!

[WHIMPERING]

Fine by me!

And just so you know, it's not that common...

...it doesn't happen to every guy, and it is a big deal!

I knew it!

- You had no right to go out with him. - That is the most ridiculous...

- You sold me out! - I did not sell you out!

- Yes, you did! You absolutely sold me... - Would you let me talk?

Did you just flick me?

Okay, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was just... Ow!

- Stop it! Ow! - Ow!

- Stop. - Stop.

- All right. No, let's not do this. RACHEL: No!

[BOTH YELL]

- Happy thoughts. RACHEL: No!

[YELLING]

- Stop it! PHOEBE: Oh! Oh!

Okay, now I'm gonna kick some ass!

- Ow! - Ow!

MONICA & RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow. PHOEBE: I know, I know.

All right. Now, I will let go if you both stop.

- Fine. - Fine.

There we go.

Ha. You know what? If we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.

Okay, buddy boy, here it is.

You hide my clothes? I'm wearing everything you own.

Oh, my God!

Look at me, I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes?

Maybe if I wasn't going "commando."

[GROANS]

Whew. I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I'd better not do any lunges.

Joey?

Got you the Joey special. Two pizzas!

Joe?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Damn it!

Hello?

No, Joey's not here right now, but I can take a message. I think.

He's still got a chance for the part? That's great news!

Well, no, obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog.

Well, that's great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you.

Yes!

Okay.

Mac...

...audition...

...at 2.

Allergy...

...actor...

...attacked.

By dog...

...not...

...flowers.

- Hey. - Please tell me you got the message.

- What message? - The actor playing Mac couldn't do it.

- They needed to see you at 2:00. - What? It's 6:00!

Look! I wrote it! I wrote it on the board!

I wrote it on the board, then went looking all over for you!

I went to Ross's, the coffee house.

I went to any place that they make sandwiches!

- I can't believe this, Chandler! - I'm sorry.

I don't know what to say!

You might say, "Congratulations."

I saw the board, I went to the audition, I got the part!

Was that supposed to be funny? I was worried over here.

- I'm sorry. - At times that fake-out thing is mean.

Okay, man. I'm sorry. I did not mean to make you feel bad.

Well, that's good.

Because you didn't. And I'm incredibly happy for you!

That's mean!

- You had me going there! - We could do this all day.

Yeah, you're right.

Look, let's talk about what a huge star I'm gonna be.

You are gonna be a huge star. I'm gonna hug you.

- You hug me. - All right.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- Do we do this too much? - I think so.

- Yeah. Get off me. - Yeah.

"Come on, C.H.E.E.S.E., I'm not leaving without you.

Try routing your backup power source through your primary CPU."

"I can't! My circuits are fried! They're fried, I tell you!"

Wow.

"Well, then I'll just have to carry you."

"That'll be a neat trick...

...when you're dead!"

Ross, you don't have to yell.

There was just an explosion, okay? My hearing would be impaired.

I thought you were excellent.

In fact, for a minute there, I was like, "Ooh, where did Ross go?"

Thank you. And I have to say that first scene where you meet Mac...

- Yeah. - Oh, my God. I mean...

You know what?

I think that's enough for today. Thanks for your help.

- Holding us back. - Totally.

[English - US - SDH]