All language subtitles for Caddyshack (1980) 720p Bluray x264 ENG-M

[CHITTERING]

Uh-oh.

All right, kids! Rise and shine!

Let's go, everybody. Let's go.

[RADIO BLASTS INSIDE ROOM]

Come on, girls! Enough with the hair.

Hi, Mom.

Hit the deck. Hit the deck!
Let's go, girls.

Let's go, everybody. Come on.
Come on. Wake up.

Come on, let's go.

Okay. Let's go!

Danny, turn off that radio!

Uppy, uppy, uppy!

Come on, come on, move, move.

[GRUNTS]

Thanks. Hey, Deb,
I talked to Pete Scalary last night.

He's gonna get that training bra
back real soon. Who's in here?

[GIRL SCREAMS]

- Oh, gosh. Shut up!
- Danny, get out! Mom! Mom!

- Danny saw me naked!
- Stop.

You think you're cool, Danny.

Who are you? What's your name?

- Dennis.
- Dennis?

MOM: Brush your teeth?
- All of them.

- When are you gonna get that haircut?
- Honey, who is this?

- That's your nephew.
- What are we running, a restaurant?

- Did you get out yesterday?
- Yes. Twice.

I caddied for Ty Webb in the morning
and I had doubles in the afternoon.

- How much is that?
- It's about 30 bucks plus tips.

Well, put it in the college fund.

You're like a three-year-old! You have to
tell him every time he gets money.

As soon as you guys get back from
Little League, let's get some painting done.

The Douglases got fake brick.
You don't have to paint it.

Hooray for the Douglases!
Oh, come on, Jonathan. Bad boy.

Why don't you give the St. Copius
scholarship people a call?

I don't know about that place.
I talked to a guy who went.

He said there were two girls
and they were both nuns.

Ah! I saw that! That's about
10 bucks and change.

I had a couple of burgers
and some Cokes for lunch.

- How many Cokes?
- Four or five.

- What are you, a diabetic?
- I don't know.

You're not leaving
until we settle the college thing.

If he doesn't have something lined up
by September. . .

. .. I'm gonna ask Tom Burdick
to put him on at the lumberyard.

MOM:
He's not gonna work at the lumberyard.

DAD:
He isn't gonna be a caddy all his life, is he?

Hey, Mr. Webb,
can I ask you something?

Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

- Danny.
- Danny.

When you were my age,
did you ever have trouble. . .

. ..deciding what you wanted
to do with your life?

No, I've never had that problem really.
Why?

Forget it. I didn't think you'd understand.

- You take drugs?
- Every day.

- Good. So what's the problem?
- I don't know.

Did you have to take that Cooter
Preference Test when you were a senior?

Oh, yeah, I took it. They said
I should be a fire watcher.

- What are you supposed to be?
- An underachiever.

- I gotta go to college. I gotta.
- Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia.

-This isn't Russia, is it?
-No.

I didn't think so. No, the thing is,
really, do you wanna go to college?

Ugh. In Nebraska?
Besides, it costs like $8,000 a year.

Hold on. I think I lent you,
what, $2.50 yesterday?

I can't foot the bill for everything,
so don't ask for money.

My dad can't afford it. I haven't told him
about the scholarship I didn't get.

I'll end up working in a lumberyard.

What's wrong with lumber?
I own two lumberyards.

- You don't spend too much time there.
- I'm not sure where they are.

Ah.

- I like you, Betty.
- That's Danny, sir.

Danny. I'm gonna give
you a little advice.

There's a force in the universe
that makes things happen.. .

. ..and all you have to do
is get in touch with it.

Stop thinking, let things happen. . .

. ..and be the ball.

- Danny. Danny?
- Sir. Sir.

- Where's the wedge?
- Right here, sir.

Thank you, Danny.

Find your center.

Hear nothing, feel nothing.

That is kind of incredible, sir.

- You try, Danny.
- Pardon me.

Pardon you? Here, you try it.

- Oh, I don't know.
- Go ahead.

Just relax. Find your center.

Picture the shot, Danny. Picture it.

Turn off all the sound.

Just let it happen. Be the ball.

Be the ball, Danny. You're
not being the ball, Danny.

- It's kind of difficult with you talking.
- Okay.

I'm not talking. Stop talking.

I'm not talking now.

Be the ball.

Where'd it go?

Right in the lumberyard.
It's okay. We'll work on it.

[GOPHER CHITTERING]

- McFiddish!
- Sir.

- Do you know what I just saw?
- No, sir.

- A gopher!
- Gopher? Where?

Do you know what gophers
can do to a golf course?

Aye, sir. I think they're tunneling in
from that construction site over yonder.

Czervik Construction Company?

I'll slap an injunction on them so fast
it'll make their heads spin. And you. . ..

You get rid of those gophers. . .

. ..or I'll be looking for a new
greenskeeper. Is that clear?

- Aye, sir! Very clear, sir.
- Yeah.

I'll put my best man on it!

CARL:
Mrs. Crane...

. .. I'm looking at you.
You wore green so you could hide.

I don't blame you. You're a tramp.
Oh, that was a good one.

Oh, that was right where you wanted it.

Mrs. Crane, you're a little
monkey woman, you know that?

You're a little monkey woman.
You're lean. . .

. ..and you're mean and you're not too far
between either I bet, are you, huh?

Would you like to wrap your spikes
around my head?

Carl!

Damn your eyes, man!

I told you to cut the long grass on the
thirteenth and to mow the practice green.

I was unavoidably detained.

You can forget about the thirteenth
and the practice green.

I've got a more important job for you.

I want you to kill every gopher
on the course.

Check me if I'm wrong,
but if I kill all the golfers...

. ..they're gonna lock me up.

Gophers! Not golfers!
The little brown furry rodents.

We can do that.
We don't even have to have a reason.

Do it, man!

I'll just do the same thing,
but with gophers.

It's not my fault nobody can
understand what you're saying.

[PHONE RINGING]

Give me the Mets in three
and I'll take the Yankees even.

I'll call you back.

Caddyshack.

Yeah.

What do you got?

All right. I'll be right up.

- Noonan.
- Yeah, Lou?

Take over for me.
I'll be right back.

Joe, people.

So I jump ship in Hong Kong. . .

. ..and I make my way over to Tibet...

. ..and I get on as a looper
at a course in the Himalayas.

A looper?

A looper. You know, a caddy, a looper. . .

. ..a jock.

So I tell them I'm a pro jock and
who do you think they give me?

The Dalai Lama himself.
The twelfth son of the Lama.

The flowing robes, the grace, bald. . .

. ..striking. So I'm on the first tee with him.
I give him the driver.

He hauls off and whacks one.
Big hitter, the Lama. Long.

Into a 10,000 foot crevice right
at the base of this glacier.

- Do you know what the Lama says?
- No.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me.

And I say, "Hey, Lama! Hey!

How about a little something,
you know, for the effort?"

And he says, "Oh, there
won't be any money...

. ..but when you die, on your deathbed. . .

. ..you will receive total consciousness."

So I got that going for me.
Which is nice.

Your ball's right over there.
Go straight and you can't miss it.

Mrs. Havercamp. You go
that way and it's right over--

- Mrs.-- Mrs. Havercamp. You need this.
- Oh, I might, at that.

Yeah.

Mr. Havercamp. Mr. Havercamp,
your ball's right over here, sir.

It's right there.

No, Mr. Havercamp, the green
is right over there. It's that way.

Look, sir, just bend a little bit that way
and swing away...

. ..and just straight up. That's fine.
Great.

Wee!

That's a peach, hon.

Oh, golly, I'm hot today.

MAN:
What'd they do, die on you, Tony?

I can't pay you. Lou has to.

- Where is he?
- He's out.

I can see that he's out, numbnuts.

Give me a Coke.

One Coke.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's only 50 cents.

Lou raised the price of Coke.
He's been losing at the track.

Ha, ha. Well, I ain't paying no 50 cents
for no Coke!

[IMITATES TONY]
Ha, ha. Then you ain't getting no Coke.

Know what I'm talking about?

You've had it, Noonan.
Come on, open up this door.

- Open up this door!
- Watch it, jerk!

Jerk?

- Come on out, Noonan!
- Whoa! Bite it, baby.

Hey, what's going on?

Open up, Noonan. Come on.

- Hey, Lou.
- Out.

- Sure you don't need me for nothing?
- No.

Hi, guy.

Oh.

Hey, I think you and I ought to
go outside and have a little talk.

- Talk? Okay.
- Yeah.

My friend, you have no idea how
happy this is gonna make me.

- I'm going to enjoy this thoroughly.
- I hope that means the both of us.

Couldn't we just arm wrestle
or something?

That's my brother!
Come here. Give me a hand.

- Whip his ass, Tony!
- Okay, Noonan.

Now, who'd you say the jerk was, jerk?

CADDY:
Get him!

[ALL YELLING]

What is this?

- What's the sign say?
- No bare feet.

- What's that sign say?
- No fighting.

- What's it mean?
- No fighting.

You owe me one gumball machine.
What's that candy wrapper doing there?

Don't you see it?
Well, pick it up!

I'm gonna put it right on the line.

There have been a lot
of complaints already.

Fooling around on the course,
bad language. . .

. ..smoking grass, poor caddying.

So if you guys wanna get fired. . .

. ..if you wanna be replaced
by golf carts, just keep it up.

One announcement:

Carl Lipbaum died last week in summer
school from a severe anxiety attack.

I heard he swallowed his vomit
during a test.

However it happened, he was
a good caddy and a good kid.

CADDY: He was a brown nose, Lou.
You hated him.

Shut up.

That means the caddy scholarship
is available again. . .

. ..and anyone who's interested
should go see Judge Smails.

And kiss his ass.

That would help.

Let's move out.
We got golfers waiting.

Let's go. You, Angie, pick up that blood.

DANNY:
Hey, Lou...

. ..what kind of grades do I need
for this caddy scholarship deal?

If you've been a good caddy,
I think they're lenient.

We're about to tee off now.
So call the hospital...

. ..and move my appointment with
Mrs. Bellows back 30 minutes.

What? Oh, well....

Just snake a tube down her nose
and I'll be there. . .

. ..in four or five hours.
Testing now.

Three, two, one, check.

Do you have any eights?

Don't you have homes?

- Porterhouse?
- Yes, sir.

There's a brown Audi
parked in my parking space.

Get a tow truck and
have it hauled away immediately.

Right away, judge.
Right away, sir. Yes, sir.

JUDGE: Oh, Porterhouse!
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir, judge. Yes, sir.

Look at the wax build-up
on those shoes.

This is fine leather.
I want that wax stripped off.

I want them creamed and
buffed with a fine chamois. . .

- . . .and I want them now. Chop-chop!
- You've got them, judge.

Spaulding, get dressed.
You're playing golf.

No, I'm not, Grandpa.
I'm playing tennis.

You're playing golf and you'll like it.

- What about my asthma?
- I'll give you asthma.

- Ty, what did you shoot today?
- I don't keep score, judge.

Well, how do you measure yourself
with other golfers?

By height.

You know, you should play
with Dr. Beeper and myself.

He's been club champion
for three years running...

. ..and I'm no slouch myself.

Don't sell yourself short, judge.
You're a tremendous slouch.

Oh, say, Fred.

Have you heard the one. . .

. ..about the Jew, the Catholic and
the colored boy who went to heaven?

Yeah.

That's a doozy, judge.

Colored boy? Why, you son of a bitch.

I'll fix you, you little--

Colored boy.

[MELODY PLAYS OVER HORN]

Here you are, kid. Park my car.
Get my bags.

And put on some weight, will you?

Hey, Wang, what's with the pictures?
It's a parking lot! Come on, will you?

I think this place is restricted, Wang, so
don't tell them you're Jewish, okay? Fine.

I'm Al Czervik.
I'm playing with Drew Scott today...

. ..and this is my guest, Mr. Wang.
No offense.

Give me half a dozen
of those Vulcan D-10s...

. ..and set my friend up
with the whole schmeer.

You know, clubs, bags, shoes...

. ..gloves, shirt, pants.

Orange balls!
I'll have a box of those.

A box of naked-lady tees.

And give me two of those.
Give me six of those.

This is the worst-looking hat I ever saw.

You buy a hat like this, I'll bet
you get a free bowl of soup, huh?

Oh, it looks good on you though.

Okay. Judge Smails, Smails III . ..

. ..Dr. Beeper and Bishop Pickering.
Who wants it?

- Yeah, I'll do it. Right here.
- I'll take Smails if nobody wants him.

ALL:
Oh! Brown nose. Brown nose.

LOU: Motormouth, take Dr. Beeper.
MOTORMOUTH: Hey, thanks, Lou.

John, you take the Bish.

- This is ridiculous. Let me carry that one.
- No, I can do it.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Madonna with meatballs.

SPAULDING:
Turds!

JUDGE: Spaulding! How many times
have I told you about your language?

- Sorry, Grandpa. I forgot.
- Lacey.

Bishop Pickering, Dr. Beeper,
this is my niece, Lacey Underall.

Lacey's mother has sent her to us
for the summer.

It must be a nice change
from dreary old Manhattan.

Yes. I was getting really tired
of having fun all the time.

Ah.

- Double turds!
- Spaulding!

Hey, so where do we tee off?

GUYS: Al. Al.
- How are you?

We're all set to go.
You know my friend?

- Sure, sure.
- How you doing? Okay. Right, right.

Are we waiting for these guys?

Hey, whitey, where's your hat?

Let's go, while we're young!

You mind, sir? I'm trying to tee off.

I bet you slice it into the woods,
a hundred bucks.

Gambling is illegal at Bushwood,
sir, and I never slice.

- Damn!
- Okay, you can owe me.

I owe you nothing!

DANNY:
Judge Smails, sir, can I talk to you?

- You want your driver?
- No, he's not my type.

Hey, that's a joke. I'm kidding.
Yeah, give me the driver, will you?

All right, place your bets, place your bets.
Here we are.

- Don't count that. I was interfered with.
- Yes, sir.

SPAULDING:
Goddamn it!

By the way, what did Mr. Webb
shoot this morning?

He doesn't keep score, sir.

- Yes, I know, but just guess. Eighty, 75?
- Shit!

More like 68, I think.

- I don't believe it. Really?
- Damn it!

- Oh, yes.
- Shit!

Why not improve your lie a little?

- Yes, Yes. Winter rules.
- Oh, yes.

Double farts!

Ah.

- Fore!
DANNY: That's a fine shot.

Ah! Oh!

I should have yelled "two."

- Why don't we walk this off, sir?
- Ooh.

- What you got in here, rocks?
- When I was your age. ..

. .. I would lug 50 pounds of ice
up five, six flights of stairs.

- So what?
- So what?

So let's dance!

[ROCK MUSIC BLASTS]

Bah!

Now what the devil--?

The man's a menace.

Cut that off!

Music is a violation of our personal
privacy. He's breaking the law.

Really?

I've always been fascinated
with the law.

Oh, really? What areas?

Oh, all areas.
Personal privacy, noise statutes.

I planned to go to law school
after I graduated. . .

. ..but looks like my folks won't have
enough money to put me through college.

Well, the world needs ditchdiggers too.

Nice try.

Great big gobs of greasy, grimy
gopher guts.

How about a nice, cool drink, varmints?

Scum, slime,
menace to the golfing industry.

You're a disgrace.

You're varmints. You're one of the
lowest members of the food chain.

You'll probably be replaced by the rat.

Well, I have been pushed.

It's about time somebody
teach these varmints. ..

. ..a little lesson about morality.. .

. ..and about what it's like to be a
decent upstanding member of a society.

Come to Carl, varmint.
Come to Carl.

Ah!

Okay. I guess we're
playing for keeps now.

I guess the kidding around
is pretty much over, huh?

I guess it's just a matter now of pumping
15,000 gallons of water down there.. .

. ..to teach you a little bit of a lesson.
Is that it? I think it is!

Oh.

- You guys are brothers, huh?
- Yeah.

What is this, a family business or what?

You know, they say for Italians
this is skilled labor, you know that?

No, actually, I'm a rich millionaire.

My doctor told me to get out and
carry golf bags a couple of times a week.

Oh, you're a funny kid, you know.
What time you due back in Boys Town?

Here we are now.

Albert Einstein gave me this, you know.

Yeah. Nice man, nice man.

[RAPID BEEPING]

Made a fortune in physics.

Boom!
ALL: All right! Hey!

I'll tell you, son,
my main satisfaction...

. ..is working with young people like
yourself at our new Youtheran Center.

Why don't you drop by some time?

I've often thought of
entering the priesthood.

Oh, are you Roman Catholic?

Oh, then I'm sorry,
but I'm afraid you can't come.

Go for it.

You know, I've often thought
of becoming a golf club.

Not bad, huh? I'll have 2,000 more units
in the next two years.

I bet they'd love a great
shopping mall right here.

Condos over there. Plenty of parking.

I'll tell you, country clubs and cemeteries,
biggest wastes of prime real estate.

Dead people. They don't wanna be
buried nowadays. Ecology, right?

Ask Wang, he'll tell you.
We bought property. ..

. ..right behind the Great Wall.
On the good side.

I want a hamburger.

No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog.

I want a milkshake.

- I want potato--
- You'll get nothing and like it!

Danny. Danny, stop it.
The judge will see you.

You going out with me tonight?

Yeah, up to my room?
I gotta work in the dining room tonight.

Come work with me!
You can bus tables.

- I've never done that.
- It's easy.

You fill the water glass,
you replace the butter.

If they drop a fork,
you give them another.

I don't think I can handle that.

ALL:
All right!

Put me down for five.

Now, if I can just make this one.

Hey, Smails!

A thousand bucks, you miss that putt.

Of all the nerve!

MAN 1: Come here.
MAN 2: What'd he say?

MAN 3: They're betting.
WOMAN: He has $1000 for the challenge.

ALL: Aw.
MAN 4: Missed it.

You! You! You!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

WOMAN 2:
Oh, my God!

[CRASHING]

Jeez.

- I did not throw it!
- If you didn't. . .

- . . .how did it get here?
- It slipped!

- Slipped!
- What's the problem?

He almost killed my wife
with his damn club!

It was an accident.
It slipped out of my hands.

I noticed your grips were worn.
I should have mentioned it.

I could put some stickum
on there for you. It's my fault.

Uh. It's a good idea.
Next time be more careful!

Kids! What are you gonna do?
Look, I'm terribly sorry this happened.

I'll pay for your lunch
and I'll pay for the umbrella.

Danny, I'll see you at the table.
I'll sign your card.

Sir.

Thanks for helping me. You're a good
caddy. Something to be very proud of.

Hey, you know we're giving another
caddy scholarship this year?

Yes. I heard something about that,
sir, but my grades in high school...

. ..weren't that outstanding.

There are more important
things than grades.

Winning the caddy tournament,
for instance.

It might look pretty good
on a young fella's application.

- I'm sure gonna try, sir.
- This is for you.

You tell Ty Webb I'm gunning for him.

He's as good as he says he is,
he's gotta play me to prove it.

Okay, I will, sir.

- Good boy. Good boy.
- Thank you. Thank you.

[CARL HUMMING]

Licensed to kill gophers by the
government of the United Nations.

Man free to kill gophers at will.

To kill, you must know your enemy.

In this case, my enemy is a varmint.

And a varmint will never quit.

Ever. They're like the Viet Cong.

Varmint Cong.

So what you gotta do,
you gotta fall back...

. ..on superior firepower...

. ..and superior intelligence.

And that's all she wrote.

[CHATTERING]

[MUSIC PLAYS]

- You gonna eat your fat?
- Spaulding.

You're looking lovely
this evening, Mrs. Smails.

Why, thank you, doctor.

Lacey, you'd be interested to know
this uniform was given to me. . .

. ..by the captain of the links
of St. Andrews from Scotland.

They invented the game there,
except they call it "gof". . .

. ..without the "L" as we do.

LACEY:
I think I have enough butter.

- Right. If you need any more. . . .
- Sure.

When Mona died last winter,
I said to myself:

"Al, if you keep busting your hump
16, 20 hours a day. . .

. ..you'll end up with
a $60 million funeral."

Hey, doll, could you scare up
another round for our table?

And tell the cook this is
low-grade dog food. All right?

- Here, take this for yourself. Okay?
- Thank you, sir.

I had better food at the ball game,
you know.

This steak still has marks
where the jockey was hitting it.

Anyway, today I just stick to real estate.

With this market,
if you own anything but land. ..

. ..you own a popcorn fart.

[FARTS]

Oh, did somebody step on a duck?

Ain't that right, sir?

The graveyard is two blocks
to the left, okay?

Dog food?!

I'll show him dog food!

Hey, where's the bar?
Let's have some drinks here.

Hey, waiter, here.
This is for you, all right?

Oh, Captain Hook!
How about the grand you owe me?

Forget about it. I'm just kidding.
All right.

This is your wife? A lovely lady.
Hey, baby, you're all right.

You must have been something
before electricity, huh?

Hey, doll, how are you, huh?
You live alone?

Hey, rabbi, nice seeing you.
Folks, how are you?

And this is your grandson, huh?
A wonderful boy.

Nice boy. He's a good boy, I'll tell you.

Now I know why tigers
eat their young, you know.

Woo! The dance of the living dead!

- I know why you came here tonight.
- Why?

That girl. Listen, I'd put that idea
right out of your mind.

She's been plucked more times
than the rose of Tralee.

Biggest whore on Fifth Avenue I'm told.

Oh.

[CHITTERING]

Pay no attention to that bush
moving around there by that tree.

It's just a bush.
Nothing even to look twice at.

Nothing to be alarmed about.

This looks like it could be gravy.

Uh-oh.

All right.

I smell varmint poontang...

. ..and the only good varmint poontang...

. ..is dead varmint poontang,
I think.

TOM:
You gotta get out on a ball.

AL: Tom, I'll show you places you can go.
- Where you gonna take me?

Ty! Ty, come over here!

- Ty, hi, how are you?
TY: How are you?

- Hi.
- Ty, there's someone you must meet.

Al Czervik, Ty Webb.

Al built our condo in Palm Beach.

I need a drink. Nice meeting you.
I'll see you. Take it easy.

See you in a bit, Al.

Heads up, but I think
someone's giving you the big eyes.

Oh, I remember her.

Hey, can you make a bullshot?

- Can you make a shoe smell?
- Very funny.

Why don't you get yourself
a real haircut? Take this.

- Thanks.
- What people here. Look at that one.

The last time I saw a mouth
like that, it had a hook in it.

So what brings you to this nape
of the woods? Neck of the "wape"?

- How come you're here?
- Daddy wanted to broaden me.

In this place? Good luck.

What do you do for excitement?

Oh, I . . .play a lot of golf.

Golf?

Nixon plays golf.

Bet you got a lot of stories
about your ball landing in the road.

So, what do you do?

Oh, I enjoy...skinny-skiing. . .

. ..going to bullfights on acid.

I bet you got a lot of nice ties.

What do you mean?

You wanna tie me up
with some of your ties, Ty?

- I've got a good idea.
- What?

Let's pretend. ..

. ..we're real human beings.

Freeze, gopher!

[GUNSHOT]

Ugh.

[RETCHING]

Elihu, who is that disgusting man
over there?

I tell you, I never saw
dead people smoke before.

A guest of the Scotts.

What do you say we
bust up this joint, huh?

ALL:
Yeah.

Hey, you two should
get a room, you know?

Hey, Ringo, play something hot,
will you?

And you guys. . .

. ..take some more lessons.

[BAND PLAYS JAZZY MUSIC]

Hey, judge, give someone else
a chance. You lucky devil!

Come here, honey. And hey, loosen up,
will you? You're a lot of woman, you know?

Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?

You! You! You're no gentleman!

I'm no doorknob either, all right?

I never wanna see that man here again!

[SQUISHES]

[COUGHING]

Wait up, girls.
I got a salami I gotta hide still.

Carl! I told you, today is the day
we change the holes.

Do it now! With no more slacking off!

I'll slack you off,
you fuzzy little foreigner.

I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena.

Oh, man in a boat overboard.

You beast, you savage.

Come on, bark like a dog for me.

Bark like a dog. I will teach you
the meaning of the word "respect."

Mr. Webb.

I just gotta win that caddy tournament.

I owe it to my folks
to get that scholarship.

- What do you wanna go to college for?
- I don't know.

Let me tell you a story.

I knew a guy who could have been
a great golfer. Could have gone pro.

All he needed was a little
time and some practice.

He decided to go to college instead.

He went for four years.
Did pretty well.

At the end of his four years,
the last semester, he was kicked out.

You know what for?

He was night-putting.
Just putting at night. ..

. ..with the 15-year-old
daughter of the dean.

You know who that guy was, Danny?

No.

- Take one good guess.
- Bob Hope.

No, no.

No, that guy was Mitch Cumstein.

My roommate. He's a good guy.

Don't be obsessed
with your desires, Danny.

The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote:

"A flute with no holes is not a flute.. .

. ..and a doughnut with no hole is a Danish."
He was a funny guy.

[MAKING SIX MILLION
DOLLAR MAN NOISE]

You missed just that one.

In one physical model of the universe,
the shortest distance between two points...

. ..is a straight line
in the opposite direction, Danny.

- Unbelievable.
- Thank you very little.

Noonan, D'Annunzio, Mitchell,
you're on the tee.

CROWD:
Shh.

MAN 1:
Here's a power hitter.

CROWD:
Oh.

[APPLAUSE]

Nice form.

- Nice form.
- Good luck, sucker.

[CHATTERING]

MAN 2: Nice one. Very nice.
WOMAN: Very good. Yeah.

CROWD:
Aw .

Ah, shit!

No, no, nice shot.
Right on the beach.

Okay, Danny, this is for the gold.

You ain't got it today, Noonan.

- Miss it, Noonan. Miss.
- Noonan! Noonan!

Stop it.

TONY: Miss it, Noonan. Miss!
ANGIE: Noonan! Noonan!

- Miss it, miss it!
- Miss it!

[YELLS]

Excellent round, son.

- Excellent round! Topnotch, topnotch!
- Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Say, I'm having a little party
at the Yacht Club this Sunday.

- I'm christening my new sloop.
- Ah.

- What are you doing this Sunday?
- I have. ..

- . . .no plans.
- Great!

How'd you like to mow my lawn, eh?

I figure a college-bound fellow
could use a few extra dollars, huh?

And when you've finished...

. ..why don't you drop by the Yacht Club?

Oh, thank you, sir.

- All right. All right.
- Smile.

GIRL:
Great. Great.

Thank you. Thank you. Maggie,
how about we go swimming?

I don't have the swimwear.
Besides, I've never swum.

I'll teach you.

Why don't you come on in and
help me sort me holy cards first?

Now, Maggie's pants.

[CHATTERING]

Let's get wet!

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

LIFEGUARD: You better cool it, pencil-neck.
Don't make me come down there.

You, that's who.

Hey, Bigfoot, don't trip in the water.

That's it!

Let go of me.

You put your suit on!

You shave your ass!

Hi, Maggie. How was it?

How was what?

I guess it couldn't have been
that great then.

Oh, a lot you fucking know, D'Annunzio.

All right, stand up.

All right. Okay.

TONY:
She's incredible.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[GUYS CHEERING]

GUY: Let me just squirt
into the side of the pool.

Come on, over here.

Hi, mama.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, you guys, cool it!

Hey! Hey, cut that out!

I mean it, n--!

[CADDIES CHEERING]

- Want some?
- Oh, give me some.

- Who asked you?
- Come on, I'm asking.

- Would you please--?
- Get out of here.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Stop that, you two! All of you!

I want you out of that pool at once!

Out you go, you understand?

I don't want to see another
caddy body in this pool. All of you.

Did you understand what I said? Out.
Oh, Lacey.

Take your hands off her.
Put your clothes back on, my dear.

Out! I said, out! Didn't you hear me?

Doodie! Doodie!

[SCREAMING]

Don't touch it!

Spaulding, no!

Doodie!

Yeah, well, if you find anything
that does look like a fecal remnant. . . .

I want the entire pool scrubbed,
sterilized and disinfected.

Here it is!

Oh.

It's no big deal.

[GONG RINGS]

- Well, hello. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
- Hi.

- Busy?
- No, come on in.

Go ahead. That's nothing.

I tried calling, but there's no listing
for Mr. Wonderful.

What spelling did you use?

Sorry about this mess.
Let me just clean up here.

- I'm getting ready for the season.
- What, duck?

No, no. Dolphin.

Would you like a drink?
Tuna colada, perhaps?

Anything, anything.
Who's your decorator, Benihana?

No, I brought most of that stuff
back with me from Vietnam.

You were in the war?

Oh, no.

Homo.

Much better now though.

Here's an uncashed check for $70,000.

Keep it.

There's a bunch of them.
And a summons.

It's yours.

Pretty pathetic, Ty.

Pathetic? Maybe you, Lacey.

For me, there's a subtle perfection
in everything I do.

- I have my own standards, my own way.
- My uncle says you got a screw loose.

Oh, yeah? Your uncle molests collies.

- You're rather. . .
- What?

. ..attractive for...

. ..a beautiful girl with a great body.

Well, hey!

Yeah.

- Sing me a love song.
- I'm gonna.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.

- This stuff's terrible.
- It's good. You don't know how to do it.

- How do I do it?
- I'm gonna show you.

[SNORTS]

Ah.

SINGS
I was born

To love you

I was born
To lick your face

I was born
To rub you

But you were born
To rub me first

Let's go into the patio room.

Woo!

Know what this is called in the East?

- What?
- It's a big rub.

You have very. . . . Very small breasts.

Just kidding. Come on.
Work my way down.

This is the Isle of Wight.

Careful. I'm gonna move right down
the Taconic Parkway. ..

. ..over to your "clavula". . . .

Will you get serious?

- That's a very "in" thing to say.
- Yes, I know.

[MUMBLES]

- Ow, that hurts!
- It's all right. You're blocking.

You're blocking, you're blocking.
Just hold on to your chakras.

Just get a little more oil on us.

There you go. Uh-oh.

Now I've done it. Let me get that
away from you. Oh, sorry.

It's like reaching under the rug.

- There.
- You're crazy!

They said that about Son of Sam.
Know something?

- What?
- I'm a very qualified acupuncturist.

- Don't even think about it.
- I'm just gonna eat these.

I want you to know about it.
It's like acupressure, but it's acupuncture.

The slightest prick and
you wouldn't even know it--

- I'll kill you!
- No, no. I did not do that.

See? You feel looser?

- Listen.
- I feel like a hundred dollars.

Forget the massage, okay?

And just kiss me, you fool.

- Slipping.
- Let go of my neck.

[COUGHING]

What kind of shit is this?

It's the best, man.
I got it from a Negro.

You're probably so high already
you don't even know it.

Probably.

Oh, wow.

He looks like Dick Cavett.

Hey, man, save me a toke.

[BEEPING]

Gotta do my doctor thing.

[BUZZING]

Oh, wow.

All right, everybody.
It's time to christen the sloop.

Come along, children. You can
shake your booties down on the dock.

Ahoy, polloi. Where did you
just come from, a Scotch ad?

Eat it, Spaulding.

My, what a nice looking young man.
You're from Bushwood, aren't you?

- Yes, ma'am.
- He's not a member, Grandma.

- He's a caddy.
- Judge Smails invited me at the club.

Of course. You're the young man
who wants to be in the Senate.

That's right.

Well, you two look like
a couple of boogies.

Why don't you just scamper along now.

May I escort you out, ma'am?

Hold on, son. Are you trying
to make time with my best girl, huh?

I want you to meet Chuck Schick.
He's clerking for me this summer...

. ..till he passes the bar.

Well, see you on deck, senator.

Well, I'm going to law school too.

Really? Are you going to Harvard?

- No. St. Copius of northern... .
- Where?

Hey, Cary Grant. You wanna get high?

Wait a minute. I've only got a little.

- Then split. Okay, Terry?
- Sure.

Bye, Chuck.

Guess I'm a little overdressed, huh?

- Depends on what's underneath.
- Ooh.

Come on.

I've got a little poem I'd like to read
in honor of this occasion, if I may.

Spaulding, get your foot off the boat.

It's easy to grin
When your ship comes in

And you've got
The stock market beat

But the man worthwhile
is the man who can smile

When his shorts
Are too tight in the seat

Okay, Pookie, do the honors.

Bless this ship and all who sail on her.

I christen thee, The Flying Wasp.

This is your fate line.

You're gonna make a lot of money
when you're older.

Oh, yeah? When? How?

Could be in the market
or on a game show.

And this.. . .

- This is your saliva line.
- What's it tell?

How hot I can get you.

Well, don't just stand there.
Go get some glue!

Hey! My buddy!

Full steam ahead. Over there.
I wanna go over there!

Move over, Swanson. I'm driving.

Whoa!

AL:
Hey, Smails. . .

- . . .my dinghy's bigger than your whole boat!
- It's him.

Save me a parking place, I'm coming in.

Heave off! Heave off!

Get back, you idiot! Brace yourselves!

ALL:
Whoa!

I almost got head from Amelia Earhart.

What's this, Hell's Angels?

Reverse, reverse.

[SCREAMING]

[HONKING]

What the hell are you--?
Watch it.

Back!

Which way is backward?

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay, drop anchor.

Hey, you scratched my anchor.

I just want you to know that,
you know, because of this...

. ..you don't have to
stop seeing other people.

There you go. Let's see.

Oh, it looks absolutely perfect.

Aha!

- You!
- Your robe, Your Honor.

[YELLS]

Oh! Pl-- Help!

MAN:
We've been invited home.

[SCREAMING]

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Are we still having tea?

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

MRS. SMAILS:
Elihu. . .

. ..would you come and
loofa my stretch marks?

[RETCHES]

Aha.

That must be the tea.

What an incredible Cinderella story.

This unknown comes out of nowhere
to lead the pack. . .

. ..at Augusta. He's on his final hole.

He's about 455 yards away.
He's gonna hit about a 2-iron, I think.

Well, he got all of that.

The crowd is standing on its feet
here at Augusta.

The normally reserved Augusta crowd. . .

. ..is going wild.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

For this young Cinderella
who's come out of nowhere. . .

. ..he's got about 350 yards left.

He's gonna hit about a 5-iron, I expect.
Don't you think?

He's got a beautiful backswing.
That's-- Oh, he got all of that one!

He's gotta be pleased with that.
The crowd is just on its feet here.

He's a Cinderella boy.

Tears in his eyes, I guess,
as he lines up this last shot.

He's got about 195 yards left
and he's gonna--

Looks like he's got about an 8-iron.
This crowd has gone deadly silent.

Cinderella story. Out of nowhere.

A former greenskeeper now about
to become the Masters champion.

It looks like a mirac--
It's in the hole!

- It's in the hole!
BlSHOP: Hey, young fella. . .

. .. I was hoping to squeeze in nine holes
before this rain starts.

Certainly, Your Eminency.

- Take my bag, huh?
- Certainly, Your Magnificence.

Okay, come on. Chop-chop.

Let's go.

You better put this on.
That's a great shot.

Eureka!

I can't believe the way you hit the ball, sir.
You're really clubbing it.

We better start moving.

Did you see that? Miracle, eh?

Nice shot, bishop. You must've
made a deal with the devil.

You know, I could break
the club record, theoretically.

You better come in until this blows over.

- Well, what do you think, fella?
- I'd keep playing.

I don't think the heavy stuff
will come down for a while.

You're right.

Anyway, the good Lord
would never disrupt. . .

. ..the best game of my life!

[THUNDER CRASHING]

I'm infallible, young fella!

Come on, one more hole!

Oh, rat farts!

[SCREAMS]

[DANNY WHIMPERING]

Danny?

- Hi, Maggie.
- Hi.

- You're here early.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I....
I kind of slept here last night.

Oh, Maggie.

I'm in big trouble.

Oh, yeah? Me too. I'm late.

- Late for what?
- For not being pregnant.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah.

Well, I don't hold you responsible.

It's my problem.

I can handle it.

- Danny.
- Oh, Mag.

Maggie, look, look.

I'm not gonna let you
go through this alone.

- No!
- Whatever you decide.

I'm gonna have it, I've already decided!

Well, that's it then.

- We'll just get married.
- Oh, God! That's all I need!

- No, look, I want to, all right?
- No, you don't!

- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't!

Yes, I do!

Look, I don't wanna get married, Danny!

Come on, Maggie.
You're just saying that.

No, I'm not! Look, Danny...

. ..it might not be yours. Okay?

Maggie, you're making this up
about the other guys...

- . . .so I won't have to feel guilty.
- I'm not making it up!

- All right. I'm still willing to marry you!
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah!
- Well, thanks for nothing!

You're a good egg, Noonan.

She needs you.

Pick up that Kleenex.

MANAGER: Good morning, Lou.
- Good morning.

The judge would like to see Danny Noonan
as soon as he comes in.

- I'm Danny Noonan.
- Would you come with me, please?

- Judge Smails, sir?
- Sit down, Danny.

[FEET BANG]

Danny, I think you know
why you're here. ..

. ..so I'll do us both the courtesy of
not reviewing what happened yesterday.

I'm sorry.

My niece is the kind of girl
that has a certain. . .

. ..zest for living. The last thing
any of us need right now. . .

. ..is loose talk about her behavior.

I swear I didn't tell
anybody anything, sir.

Good. Good, good.

You know, despite what happened. . .

. .. I'm still convinced you have
many fine qualities. ..

. ..and I think you can still
become a gentleman someday.

If you understand and abide
by the rules of decent society.

Danny. Danny.

There's a lot of...

. ..well, badness in the world today.

I see it in court every day.

I've sentenced boys younger than you
to the gas chamber.

Didn't want to do it.
Felt I owed it to them.

The most important decision
you can make is:

What do you stand for, Danny. ..

. ..goodness or badness?

I know I've made some mistakes
in the past. I'm willing to make up for that.

- I wanna be good.
- Good!

Good. Very good!

You know. . .

. .. I know how hard it is for
young people today and I wanna help.

Well, just ask my grandson, Spaulding.
He and I are regular pals.

Are you my pal?

Mr. Scholarship Winner?

Yes, sir. I'm your pal.

How about a Fresca? Eh?

Another rob roy, bishop?

You never ask a Navy man
if he'll have another drink. . .

. ..because it's nobody's
goddamn business. . .

. ..how many drinks
he's had already, right?

Wrong! You're drinking
too much, Your Excellency.

"Excellency." Fiddlesticks.

My name's Fred and I'm just a man,
same as you are.

You're not a man!
You're a bishop, for God's sakes!

There is no God.

Oh, Webb-o man, I didn't see your name on
the sign-in sheet for the club tournament.

I thought you'd be
the man to beat this year.

Guess you'll just have to
keep beating yourself.

Very good, yeah.

Come on, honey. Let's go, huh?
Hey, boys, how are you?

BOYS:
Hey, Al. How are you?

Hey, we're both starving.
When do we eat?

You! You.

You have worn out your welcome
at Bushwood, sir.

Is that so? Who made you
pope of this dump, huh?

Bushwood, a dump?

Well, I'll guarantee
you'll never be a member here.

Member? Are you kidding? You think
I'd join this crummy "snobatorium"?

Why, this whole place sucks!

Su-- Su-- Su--

Right, it sucks.
Only reason I'm here is maybe I'll buy it.

Buy Bushwood? You!

You baboon! You beast!

MANAGER:
Okay, break it up.

- I get no respect from anyone.
- Please. What's going on?

He tried to choke me. You saw it.

He called me a baboon.
Thinks I'm his wife.

- I'm calling the police.
- Call the chief of police, I built his condo!

- Out. I want him out of here.
- He wants you out.

[INDECIPHERABLE YELLING]

[WHISTLES]

Guys, judge!
Come on, let's be adults here.

Let's not mess the place up.
Let's go to your office.

I'll make some drinks for us all.
We'll talk about it. Come on.

[CHATTERING]

Danny!

- Danny.
- Maggie.

Maggie, you flipping out?

No. I'm happy! I'm not pregnant.

Oh, that's great.

Listen, you were sweet.
I'm sorry I was hard on you.

No, I deserved it.
I've been acting like a jerk.

- I hate myself. I'll get that scholarship.
- That's good, isn't it?

No. I've been a creep lately
and I just can't help it.

- You're not a creep, Noonan.
- Yes, I am.

- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

- All right, maybe you are a little bit.
- Well... .

Listen, you're good deep down.
I know you'll do the right thing.

Thank you, Maggie.

JUDGE: I demand satisfaction.
AL: Oh, you want satisfaction?

I'll tell you what's real satisfying, cash.

I'll shoot you 18 holes
for 10,000 bucks.

Why, I could beat you with one arm.

How about teams then for $20,000?
You can have Dr. Frankenputts.

- I beg your pardon.
- And I'll take Ty here.

- Hey, fellas. Don't include me in on it.
- Ty.

Come on. You're an ace.
Everybody knows it.

I-- I don't play golf for money
against people.

What are you, religious or something?

You might say that. Excuse me.

JUDGE: Excuse me. Excuse me.
- I got it.

Ty, can I have a word with you?
In private.

Sure thing, judge.

- Ty.
- Judge.

Ty.

Oh.

Ty, your father and I prepped together. . .

. ..went to war together,
we played golf together.

We built this club, he and I.

Now, let's face it, son. Some people...

. ..simply do not belong.

Let's not cave in too easy.

Well, what do you say, Ty?

Let's make it 40,000.

Hey, great!

You know, judge...

. ..my dad never liked you.

I'll see you two tomorrow morning
on the golf course.

Hey, beautiful. Beautiful.

[CARL CHUCKLES]

I have to laugh. ..

. ..because I've often asked myself.. . .

My foe, my enemy, is an animal. . .

. ..and in order to conquer him.. .

. .. I have to think like an animal.

And whenever possible to look like one.

I gotta get inside this dude's pelt
and crawl around for a few days.

Who is the gopher's ally, his friend?

The harmless squirrel
and the friendly rabbit.

I'm gonna use you two guys...

. ..to do my dirty work for me.

Look at it. It's the gopher.

Hello?

There she is. There she is.

This is it. It's a Titleist.

Twenty thousand dollars.
Twenty thousand dollars.

All right, show yourself,
you little varmint.

If you got the guts.

You son of a bitch. Where'd you go?

Oh, hi, Carl. How you doing?

Oh, hi. Hi.

Mind if I play through?

Go right ahead. Are you getting in
a late night or something?

Yeah, I was just loosening up.

Was that your ball
I heard rambling through?

Yeah. Did you see my ball in here?

- Titleist?
- That's it.

- Yeah, it's right here.
- This your place, Carl?

Yeah, what do you think?

It's really. . . . It's really awful.

Well, I have a lot of things on order.
You know, credit trouble.

I'm an assistant greenskeeper.

Doesn't mean anything
until I'm the head greenskeeper.

- Can you give me a ruling on this?
- Sit down.

No, I don't wanna stick to anything.

- Here, take this thing off. This is dirty.
- Don't go to too much trouble, please.

- Here, fire up.
- With my lips?

- Yeah.
- I don't think so, Carl.

- Just right back.
- If I could borrow a wedge or something.

If you can open a curtain,
I can get through that window.

People say I'm an idiot or something. . .

. ..because all I do
is cut lawns for a living.

Oh, people don't say that about you
as far as you know.

Well, I'm working on it
so I don't ever have to....

I'm gonna be head greenskeeper, hopefully
within six years. That's my schedule.

But I'm studying this stuff so I know it.
You know, like...

. ..you know, chinch bugs. You know. . .

. ..manganese. A lot of people
don't even know what that is.

- Great, Carl. Could I get a--?
- Nitrogen.

Just open a curtain
and I can just get out of here.

I invented my own kind of grass too.
Did you know that? Look at this.

- This is registered. Carl Spackler bent.
- Oh, yeah.

I've felt grass like this before.
I've played on this stuff.

This is a hybrid.
This is a cross, bluegrass.. .

. ..Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent...

. ..and northern California sinsemilla.

The amazing stuff about this. ..

. ..is that you can play 36 holes
on it in the afternoon. ..

. ..take it home and just get stoned
to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff.

- I got pounds of this stuff. Here.
- No. Thank you. I don't-- I don't--

Let's have a little bit. I got the big
Bob Marley joint. Here, try this.

Carl, I really don't do this very often.

You're gonna love it. This is dynamite.

Well, maybe one drag, then I gotta go.

[COUGHING]

It's a little harsh. Here, cannonball it.

Cannonball it right back.

Then one more of these right on top of it.
Cannonball! Cannonball coming.

No.

Carl...

. ..could I have a drop?
Just a drop myself.

That's fine for me. That's good.

Can I say something to you frank?

Ty, Frank.

You've been acting psychotically lately.

What the hell? Why?

I've been under strain.
I gotta play with Smails tomorrow. . .

- Smails?
- . . .in a money match. No.

Thing to do with Smails. . . .
He bothers you, I'll take care of him.

What you gotta do to Smails is cut
the hamstring on the back of his leg. . .

. ..right at the bottom.
He'll never play golf again.

Because he goes back,
his weight displacement goes back. . .

. ..he stays there. All his weight's
on his right, he'll push everything right.

He'll never come through.
He'll quit the game.

That would work.
I'm gonna call you if I need help.

But, seriously, no B.S. . .

. ..you ever wanna rap, just talk
or just get weird with somebody. . .

. ..buddies for life.

I'll drop by. You drop by
my place anytime.

What's your address?
You're around Briar, right?

Briar, 2.

You got a pool over there?

We have a pond in the back.
We have a pool and a pond.

A pond would be good for you.
Natural spring.

Oh, yeah. Or the pool or a pond.
Anything would be good.

Well, I'm gonna clean this up.

You go ahead, clean up. It looks
fine to me. Thanks for the dope.

Fore!

Danny, you carry my bag.

[CAR HONKING MELODY]

What the--? Who the--?

Get back there. What do you think
you're doing? Get off of here!

- Good morning, judge.
- This is a golf course, not a parking lot!

You back this thing
out of here right now!

Okay. Hey, look at that.

Don't play games with me, Ty.

Put that steering wheel where it belongs,
and get this out of here!

- I got it, judge.
AL: I'm sorry I'm late.

Let's play golf!

Ow--! Do it! I didn't do that.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Oh, there's my phone.
- I'm getting tired--

LOU:
Gentlemen, it's about time--

I told you, never call me
on the golf course. What's that?

Then sell, sell, sell! They're all selling?
Then buy, buy, buy!

- Let me have the Coast.
- Can we start now?

- Gentlemen.
- What do you want?

- Gentlemen.
- Can I use your phone?

- Gentlemen!
- Is it long distance?

Hey!

Gentlemen, we all know this is illegal
and against club practice.

And I'd like to ask at this time. . .

. ..if you gentlemen all agree
to waive all sanction against said referee...

. ..or anything that might get me fired.

Agreed.

Fine. The match is for $20,000 each.

Lowest score wins the hole
in regulation match play.

I have a number of tees in my hand.
Your Honor, odd or even?

- Odd!
- Odd it is.

Your honor, Your Honor.

Hey, tiger, here. Keep it fair, will you?

No, I can't accept this.

Driver, please.

[MAKES SIX MILLION
DOLLAR MAN NOISE]

Danny.

Don't smile at me a lot, okay?

Say, the judge and Mr. Czervik,
$100,000 match going on.

- You're kidding.
- No.

Now, what you wanna do?

- Five, Mr. Czek.
- Five, Mr. Czek.

- You got it?
- Got it.

Hello? Anybody home?

Hello, Mr. Gopher?

Yeah, it's me, Mr. Squirrel.

Yeah. Hi.
Just a harmless squirrel...

. ..not a plastic explosive or anything.
Nothing to be worried about.

I'm just here to make your last hours
on earth as peaceful as possible.

Yes, don't mind this.
This is doctor's orders and so forth.

You don't mind if I just pop
in there for a few laughs?

Yeah, that's right.
Or in the words of Jean Paul Sartre:

"Au revoir, gopher."

This is sweet.
This is gonna be sweet.

Hey!

That kangaroo stole my ball!

All right!

What's up, doc?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

AL: I tell you, I don't understand it.
I'm playing the worst game of my life.

Hey. Don't put yourself down, Al.

You're not-- You're not--

You're not good. You stink.

Say, fifty bucks,
the Smails kid picks his nose.

[CHATTERING]

PORTERHOUSE:
Come on, buddy. Here he comes.

MAN: Don't do it.
- All right, kid, take your time.

Come on, come on. Yeah.

[CHATTERING]

- Fifty bucks more says he eats it.
- You're on.

- He eats.
- You're on.

Now, don't do it, kid. Don't!

- Don't do it!
LOU: Come on.

- There he goes. He's going for it.
MEN: Yeah!

What a pig!

- Man, that kid'll eat anything.
GUY: Yes, he was hungry.

What do you say, Al?

- Shall we press on?
- Hey, judge, cheer up, will you?

My boat needs exactly $20,000
worth of repairs.

And so does your brain.
You wanna double it?

- Fine! Forty thousand apiece.
- All right.

- Forty thousand. Forty thousand.
- Let's go. You got it.

- All right.
- Hold on, judge, I mean--

[BEEPING]

- That's my office. I better get going.
- No. You're in for half of 80,000.

Probably just a routine emergency.

[CHITTERING]

Why'd I double it?

I tell you, I should have stayed home
and played with myself.

Ty, I saw Smails before.
He was cheating.

Nobody likes a tattletale, Danny.

Except, of course, me.

Ow.

- Oh, my arm. It's broken!
JUDGE: Good Lord...

- . . .what has this buffoon done now?
- Let's have a look at that.

Well, that might be a fractured ulna.

- I'm afraid you forfeit.
- Who says so? The match is a draw.

No, you don't.
You don't play, you lose. Right, Lou?

That's right, Your Honor.
Unless you wanna allow him a substitute.

Eh? Oh, well....
Spaulding can play out his holes.

Actually, judge, I think it's up to us
to pick our substitute.

- What do you want?
- Sonja Henie's out.

We'll take Danny Noonan.

Danny is an employee of the club.
He can't work and play...

- . . .particularly in something this illegal.
- Makes a lot of sense, judge.

Hey, kid, if you win,
I'll make it worth your while.

Well?

I'll play.

- Guess you didn't want that scholarship?
- I guess I don't.

I guess you don't. I guess you don't.

[CROWD GASPS]

Don't worry, it's good luck.

In Haiti.

You're gonna have to win this hole.

- I kind of thought winning wasn't important.
- Me winning isn't! You do.

- Great grammar.
- Danny.

See your future. Be your future.

Make... . Make--
Make it! Make it.

Make your future, Danny.
I'm-- I'm a veg, Danny.

Give me this.
Take it easy, will you, Ty?

Hey, Mr. Gopher?

GOPHER:
Uh-oh.

Gentlemen, this match is all even.

Final hole. Doctor, you are away.

CROWD:
Oh.

Spaulding, this calls
for the old Billy Baroo.

Oh.

Billy, Billy, Billy.

Oh, Billy, Billy, Billy.

This is a biggie.

Don't let me down, Billy.

Forty thousand dollars, Billy.

Oh!

BEEPER:
I knew you'd do it!

ALL:
Oh!

[MUMBLED SINGING]

These are men
America's best

Don't worry about this one.

If you miss it, we lose.

Hey, judge,
double or nothing he makes it.

- Eighty thousand.
MAN: What?

[MUMBLES]

What's that, judge?

You're on! You're on!

Well. . .

. ..we're waiting.

Noonan, you can do it.

CROWD:
Oh!

MAN:
You lose it, buddy.

We did it! We did it!

Fore.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

LOU:
It's a birdie!

All right, Smails, that's 80 grand.
Now fork it over.

I'll give you nothing.
Absolutely, you understand, nothing!

I figured as much. Hey, Moose, Rocco!

Help the judge find his checkbook.

Oh. Well, I-- You-- I will.

Hey, everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

[CHEERING]

[COUGHING]

Uh-oh.

[ENGLISH SDH]