All language subtitles for Best Friends Forever s01e04 Single And Lovin.eng

Can you please back up? I can feel
your hot cashew breath on my neck.

Sorry, can you just click on the photos page?

I want to see if Rachel Diggler
has popped out that baby yet.

Don't you have
your own computer?

- I have work to do.
- Give me a break, Joe.

When I came in here, you were
googling "toilet rats."

They climb up
the pipes, Jessica.

They hold their breath
for hours.

You should leave
the toilet seat down.

- Oh, no.
- What? Is that Peter?

No, no, that's nothing.

Why is Peter on a beach
with short bangs?

Click back to that.

No, no, no, let's just
close this real quick.

No, no, I need to see
those photos--Lennon!

Get your hands off.
Lennon's gonna kill me.

Joe, that is my ex-husband!
You show me those photos!

What's going on in here?

Peter's on a beach
with short bangs.

- What?
- She overpowered me.

Oh, God.

- Why is her leg bent like that?
- What is she, double-jointed?

- That's a lot of limbs.
- Oh, inappropriate.

Do they have
a professional photographer

traveling with them?

- What? Why?
- Amazing.

Are her bottoms off?

[Screams]

You know what?
I'm shutting this down.

Joe, why are you
still friends with Peter?

I've been defriended before,

and I can tell you
it is not pleasant.

Well, defriend him right now.

No, no, no, Lennon.

If Peter
is already humping people

in the canary islands,
I should be out there too.

Joe, change my status
to "single."

No, change it to
"single and loving it."

No, that's not an option.

Joe, don't tell me
it's not an option!

- Just do it.
- Do it, Joe!

Do your dumb,
dumb computer things.

Do it! "Loving it!"
I'm typing "loving it!"

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Good morning.

Hey, remember
before Jessica lived here

and we used to have sex?

Yeah, we almost popped
your wolverines chair.

It can't withstand that amount
of weight and friction.

Much like the wolverines'
offensive line.

Hey, shoelace got the job done.

Do you want to
have sex right now?

- Yes, please.
- [Laughs]

[Door opening]

- I still got it!
- Aah!

A mere eight hours after
I changed my Facebook status

to single,
guess who messages me?

Keith Kazakian.

- Wait, the Keith Kazakian?
- Yes.

Keith "Meaty Calves" Kazakian.

With the soccer sandals
and the umbros?

I guess he liked
that photo we took

of me on the fire escape
in my tankini.

Nailed it.

At least somebody's nailing it.

I feel like this is

a learning moment
for all of us, you know?

I put myself out there,
I took a risk,

and the world replied,
"Welcome back, stranger.

We like what we see."

Jessica,
get out of our bedroom.

Joe, you got a point.

I gotta get out there,
all right?

And I'm gonna take
an even bigger risk

and ask Keith out.

That's a great idea.

Maybe you two will have sex.

Maybe we will, Joe!
Maybe we will!

I'm sorry.

She doesn't have
any respect for doors!

I know, but she's in a very
vulnerable place right now.

I'm in a vulnerable place!
She almost sat on my junk.

I know,
I will talk to her, okay?

It will not happen again.

What will happen again
is this...

- Things are really heating up.
- Noooo!

He said yes.
We are going out tonight!

Stay out of our bedroom!

All right, buddy.

You don't look excited,
but I know you are.

[Door closes]

It's like she has a superpower
for knowing when

we're about to have sex
so she can barge in

and talk about some dude
with meaty calves.

Oh, yeah, Keith Kazakian?

How do you know
about Keith Kazakian?

I've been hearing about
that guy's calves since 1994.

You know, if I had superpower,

I'd want the power
to know dogs' names.

I'd meet a new dog, I'd be like,
"What's up, Hercules?"

"Oh, my God,
how'd you know his name?"

"Superpower."

[Moans loudly] Oh...

- You okay there, buddy?
- I'm sorry.

Since I can't have sex,
this gyro's my only pleasure.

Well, don't chew so fast.
Take it slow.

Tease it a little.

At least Jess
is going on a date tonight,

so we'll have the apartment
all to ourselves.

- Jess has a date?
- Yeah, with Keith Kazakian.

I think I need
some more tzatziki.

- Daphne.
- Hello, Rav.

I'm sorry
I didn't call you back.

I-I was gonna call you,
but I lost my phone.

Rav, I may be Greek,
but I'm not an idiot.

I don't think
that's a stereotype.

Is that a stereotype?

No, I'm serious.
I lost my phone.

I was gonna tell you today.
Can I get your number again?

Yeah, just as soon as I

- top off your coffee.
- Whoa! Whoa!

- Why are you doing that?
- Get out of here.

I don't ever
wanna see you again!

Both of you!
You're banned!

Rav, no, my gyro!
Come on!

Joe, I really did
lose my phone.

You know, I-I'm sorry,
I'm just gonna take this.

I'm having some bedroom issues.

I don't need to know that!

That's not what I meant.

Guys, this one is ugly.
It's not worth it.

Well, can we please
just see it?

[Sighs]

- Oh, stunning. Stunning!
- Ugly, ugly, ugly!

Ugh, this blazer
makes me feel like

an out-of-work,
lesbian temp.

I think you need to
put on some spanx

and smooth it all out.

Truth? You may need spanx
on top of spanx.

Okay, Q, that's not helpful.

I'm just saying.
If you're trying

to close the deal,
she needs to tighten it up.

What do you know
about closing a deal?

You're 9 years old.

- 9 1/2!
- No, Q's right.

I am not ready
to close any deal.

I don't think
I wanna do this, Lennon.

Hey, Q, I need a minute
alone with Jess.

I get the hint.
My help is not wanted here.

But just so you know,

I pick out the clothes
for my friend time doll,

and she always looks tight.

Hey, you're gonna be fine.
Are you kidding me?

- You're so good at this.
- Good at what?

Connecting with people.
Talking to people.

Len, I used to be good at it!

You know, if I was
a professional jockey,

and I took three years off

and then you put me
back on that horse,

I would not be able to do it.

Yeah, but there
would be nothing else

that you could do because
you'd be such a tiny man.

Come on, this is Keith
"Meaty Calves" Kazakian, okay?

We've been dreaming
about this moment for 22 years.

You know how good
it's gonna be when you...

When I what?

I think we know what
we're talking about, okay?

Do you think
he still wears Drakkar Noir?

I hope not, for your sake,

'cause you will smell like that
for three days.

Now go put on that red dress

that makes you
look like Sharon stone,

and let's close this deal.

You got me in so much trouble
in that class.

Well, I got everyone
in trouble.

- Are you kidding me?
- Well, that was kinda my thing.

No, Mr. Nastaylor
was, like, so pissed at me.

- He was the worst.
- [Laughs]

You know I, like, always had
the biggest crush on you, right?

What?
You should've told me.

Well, you were with someone.

Who, Eric Wampler?

- The Wamps.
- Oh, my God.

I was only with Wamplestiltskin
because he had a pool.

Okay, well, you know
I only went to his parties

because you were there.

- No--I can't even--
- Yeah.

And I always tried to
get paired up with you

for chicken fights.
Always.

Well, I mean,

I did have a pretty good
one-piece that season.

Just saying.

I'm kinda rocking tankinis now.

- Yeah, you are.
- Yeah.

Uh, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna use
the gentlemen's lounge.

- Do not leave.
- Oh, I won't.

Lennon, we are very close
to closing this deal.

I think
I'm about to get keithed.

Man, he is laying it on thick.

I do have to say, I like a man
that says "gentlemen's lounge."

Joe, I didn't know
you were on this call.

Yeah, Len said we'd only
be listening for five minutes.

Yeah, but then we got
caught up in the sexual tension.

- So much sexual tension.
- Okay.

So you're okay?

I'm great.
Thank you, Lennon.

Okay, then I'm gonna
hang up and have sex

- with my boyfriend right now.
- Okay, gross.

- You're gross.
- Oh, he's coming back.

Okay, bye!

All right, a little something
something to set the mood.

[Loverboy's
Working for the Weekend]

And since Jessica's not here,
I can do this...

[Laughs]

And a little bit of this...

Yeah.

And a whole lot of this...

Bring it.

[Laughs]

What's wrong?

II can't do it
with her watching us.

[Sighs]

So what do you think?
Are we gonna do this?

I don't know, are we?

- 'Cause I gotta
be back by 11:30

or else Cheryl's
gonna suspect something.

Wait-wait.
Cheryl Mastrioni?

Well, it's Cheryl Kazakian now.

I played JV softball
with Cheryl Mastrioni.

She was our catcher.

Oh, yeah.

She used to have
real tight glutes.

She led us to nationals!

You expect me to sleep with you
while you cheat on my teammate?

Well, you haven't talked to
her in, like, 15 years, so...

Okay, well,
you clearly understand nothing

about the high-school
softball experience.

When a group
of young women persevere--

You know what?
Never mind.

Did you just say "Never mind"?

Well, I'm actually
feeling pretty full

from the, uh, from the gnocchi
you forced on me,

so it's good.

- Thank you.
- No, I'll get the...

- You're gonna get it?
- No, I'm not gonna get it!

Oh, I thought--

- I found five pictures of
the two of you in a log flume.

You know where there's
no pictures of the two of us?

In the kitchen.

No, I think there's one
on the fridge

of the two of you
in a hot air balloon.

[Clears throat]

- Oh, I get it.
- [Laughs]

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Just take these off.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

- Maybe we should--
- It would be easier

- if we just do it ourselves.
- Sure, yeah.

This is the kind of thing
they should show

on the food network.

- Get it, get it!
- Got it.

Ha!

[Laughs]

[Door opening]
Keith Kazakian is married!

Oh, my God!
Pants!

He's married, and he wanted
to have sex with me,

but he said he was too full.

- Too full, Lennon!
- Oh, that is terrible.

I mean, he didn't even
have to be that charming.

I was a done deal.
I double-spanxed myself.

I went out and bought
a midsize clutch

just so I could fit
all of my condoms!

These are too many condoms!

[Sighs] You know what?

I just--I want to have
a hot chocolate,

and I just want to go to sleep.

- No, no, no, no!
- No!

I know it's late for sugar,

but it's just been a rough one.

- Jessica!
- Stop walking!

Oh, my God.
Are you guys having sex?

- No!
- Yes!

In the kitchen?
[Gasps]

Lennon, are you
wearing pants right now?

Uh, well,
not at this exact moment,

but I will put some on,

and then I'll get you
that hot chocolate.

- This is so embarrassing.
- Jess!

Babe, I'm sorry.

I'm not exaggerating
when I say this, Rav.

Lennon and I are never
going to have sex again.

You can have sex in my kitchen,

but it's pretty dirty.

She'd somehow find us.

Hey...
Where are our gyros?

I don't know what you did,
but the people in that diner

did not like you one bit.

What, did you sell us out?

No, I did exactly
what you told me to do.

I said I wanted three gyros,
one with extra tzatziki.

But the lady
with the nice hair said,

"Are those for those two men
out on the sidewalk?"

And I said, "I can't tell a lie.
Yes, they are."

- Come on, Q!
- It's not my fault!

You should've stood
further down the street.

Money, please.

I'm not paying you.

Your job was to procure
the gyros, and you failed.

No, sir,
I'm not paid for results.

I'm paid for my time.

[T. Rex's
20th Century Boy]

Len, I'm overdressed.
These guys here

look like they just finished
raking leaves.

Are you kidding?
You look like a stone-cold fox.

- Okay, can we not--Len!
- What?

Get your hands out of my boobs!

Listen, I don't think
I'm in the mood for this.

I just--I'm feeling terrible
about last night.

Okay, can we let
old meaty calves go?

He's not worth it.
[Laughs]

I'm not talking about
meaty calves.

I'm talking about
walking in on you guys.

Oh, no,
that was not your fault.

You know, honestly,
I'm actually surprised

- it hasn't happened before.
- Yeah.

Lennon, it hasn't
happened before, has it?

No, of course not.

You know, I should've known
Keith was married.

He was wearing a woven belt.

Okay, well, lesson learned.

We'll keep our eyes open
for woven belts.

- [Laughs]
- Now, can we do this?

- All right, let's do this.
- Yeah!

And that's when I started
growing my own vegetables.

Oh, wow, you know,
Jessica's an amazing chef.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm kind of a foodie myself.

- What do you like to cook?
- Oh, everything.

I cook, um, all the foods.
Uh, especially meat.

I love meat.
I mean, all kinds of meat.

Uh, just meat sandwich
or meat pizza.

Sometimes I just throw meat
on a plate, I don't care!

- Just give me that meat!
- Okay, Jessica...

Meat! Meat! Meat!
I can't stop saying

the word "meat."
I'm trying to stop...

- That's fine.
- But I can't seem to.

Jessica, um,
made an amazing pulled pork

last week.
Melt in your mouth.

You know, I know of
this great barbecue place

in Williamsburg
that you would love, Lennon.

We should go sometime.

- Excuse me.
- Okay, this is over.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

I'm sorry.
Wow, you are very tall.

Oh, and you're very rude.

I have a hyperactive
pituitary gland.

My mother died from it.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Question-ay:
Is your friend single?

[Sighs]

Rav, why am I such
a boner repellent?

You want a real answer,
or do you want me to tell you

that you're beautiful
and any boner here

would be lucky to have you?

Can you do
a little bit of both?

I'm very vulnerable right now.

Every man that we have spoken to
has asked Lennon out.

It's 'cause
you're too worked up.

Just relax, will you?
Dating's weird.

Did I ever show you this scar
I have on my back?

What is happening?

I was having sex
with this lady cop I met online

and her pet bird attacked me.

Went to town on my back
like I was a birdfeeder.

Put your shirt back on, please.

Did you hear what I said?

It went to town on my back
like I was a birdfeeder.

- What is your point?
- My point is...

It got weird, but I got
a great story out of it.

I don't know if I'd
really call it a great story.

Just get out there
and let it get weird.

All right, next time
I ask for a pep talk,

could you just remind me of this
special moment we just shared?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

I even went there alone,
and she was like,

"You can go eat gyros
in hell!"

Well, that is hurtful.

Guys, I think
I'm gonna take off.

What? Why?
No, you were doing so good.

Lennon, three different guys
asked me for your number.

Wait, who asked
for your number?

Relax. Listen,
I'm just gonna go to bed.

I don't think
I'm ready for all this.

All right, well,
do you want us to come with you?

- No, no, no.
- Excuse me.

Take a walk, buddy.
This is my girl.

Actually, I was hoping
to talk to her friend.

Can I buy you a drink?

Um, yeah, I guess
I could have one drink.

Okay.

[Both mouthing silently]

Daphne,
what are you doing here?

- I found your phone.
- Where was it?

In my apartment,
behind the headboard.

Frankly, I'm surprised
it's still in one piece.

Me too, I'm actually
a little disappointed in myself.

I'm sorry
I poured coffee on you.

It's okay.
Kinda liked it.

Listen, I was wondering
if you could do something

for a friend of mine.

Details.

His name is Corey,
and he wants to take me

to a party at a country estate
in New Jersey.

Excuse me?
A country estate?

When is this happening?

Right now.
Is this crazy?

No, it's not crazy.
And let me tell you why,

and I'm gonna be completely
honest with you right now.

If you go to New Jersey,
that means I get to go home

and have sex with my girlfriend
without interruption,

because you're gonna be
in a totally different state.

Gross.
Lennon, what do you think?

He seems really nice.
He also looks like Jason Bourne.

I think you should
close this deal.

Let's do it!

Yo, dude, I think I just
solved your gyro problem.

I don't need a gyro, Rav.

I'm about to go have sex
with my girlfriend.

I can't believe
this is finally happening.

Oh, my God.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.
This was my grandmother's.

Aw, Lennon!

What?
We have the same body.

Now all I can think about
is her in that hospital bed.

Remember? She had to talk
through that voice box?

Okay, just stay with me.
Stay focused.

[Darth Vader voice] Lennon...

I am your grandmother.

[Laughs] Come on.

[Phone rings]

- Every single time!
- Oh, my God.

Babe, all I want to do
right now

is have sex with you--

But she's with a new guy.
She's in New Jersey.

She could be
getting murdered somewhere.

- Answer it.
- Okay.

Jess, are you okay?

Lennon!

Oh, you know what, core?
On second thought,

I will have champagne.

What is happening?

Okay, this party's at
a beautiful estate on a river,

and even though Corey looks
a bit younger in the light,

I have never been treated
more like a lady--

Oh, hi, thank you.

Then why is she calling us?

Okay, so I don't
have to be worried?

No, no, no.

I knew you guys
were just sitting by the phone,

waiting for me to call.

Listen, go to sleep,
I'll call you in the morning,

- okay?
- Okay.

Oh, looks like
the party is shifting

into some kind of
a safari theme.

Wait a minute.
Wait, Jess, look around you.

Are the guys
wearing pith helmets?

Yeah, pith helmets
as far as the eye can see.

Oh, my God,

- you're at a cougar ball.
- Cougar ball?

Yeah, I read about it
in The New Yorker.

It's this new college fad
where the fraternities

have what they call
a cougar ball.

Each guy has to bring
the hottest cougar he can find

to a dinner,
and at the end of the night,

they crown somebody
queen cougar.

- No, they do not.
- Disgusting.

Just stay where you are.
We are coming to get you!

All: To cougars!

[Cheering]

This is all my fault.
Why did I tell her to go?

Thank God Dr. Carnivacci
subscribes The New Yorker,

or else we'd never have known!

Okay, call Rav.
We need his truck.

I called him
three times already.

- He won't pick up!
- Screw it, we're renting a car.

Wait, where's my sweater?

[Screaming] Where is it?

[Hip-hop party music playing]

All: Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hey, did you
bring me to New Jersey

to be in a cougar ball?

Are you that stupid?

'Cause, I mean, you seem smart,

but I don't know,
I just met you.

Maybe you're just,
like really, really stupid.

I'm sorry, I--

I brought you here
to be my cougar.

Well, that's great.
That makes me feel

really good about myself.

That's a lie, Corey,
in case you're too stupid.

Look at this.
Nice catch, core.

You look like
you're still in your 30s.

- I am in my 30s.
- That's the spirit.

I myself went with
more of the classic coug.

She is wrinkled dynamite.
I think I have the winner.

You seem like a winner.

You know your parents are paying
for you to dress like a penis?

I'm out of here.

- Is that a hat joke?
- Shut up!

Hey! I know
you probably hate me.

I just--I want you to know
I didn't want to do this.

I don't even like these guys,
it's just my dad's, like,

a founding member
of this stupid frat,

and I don't know,
I think you're beautiful,

and I just--I thought
if I could get you to come here,

I might have a shot
at winning queen cougar,

and my dad would be
proud of me for once.

This is... Definitely
the weirdest night of my life.

[Sighs]

Hey, Corey?

What would we need to do
to win this thing?

What?
Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

I wanna get a good story
out of this.

So tell me, what do I need to do
to stick it to Trevor

and take
these old bitches down?

'Cause I know
I got this--oh, yes!

But I can also
drop it pretty low...

If you need that.

Also, if there's
a karaoke portion,

I do do a mean rendition
of Bob Dylan's Lay Lady Lay.

Just FYI.

I am shutting this down!
This is over!

This is it!
It's over!

Everyone back away
from this woman!

And if you are in this room,
you are on notice!

You and I
are taking a walk, mister.

No, no!
Joe, Joe, stop!

It's okay!

It's not okay, Jess.
Hey, these cougars,

as you boys call them,
are women, all right?

Women!
Hear them roar!

[Laughs] Cougars also roar.

[Angry] What did you say to me?

- Lennon!
- Nothing!

- I didn't say anything!
- Yeah, you did!

You need to learn
your education!

Okay, okay, Lennon,
it's okay, all right?

I'm fine.

It's not fine, Jess.
You're at a cougar ball.

Yeah, and I'm having
the time of my life.

There's endless champagne.

I keep getting
lifted up on a chair,

which you know has always
been a dream of mine,

since I'm not Jewish.

I threw my hat in the ring
for queen cougar,

and word on the street is
I might actually win this thing

if Danielle from short hills
doesn't steal it from me.

So I'm okay.

- Really?
- Yes! I promise!

All right, now little Pete,
grab my friends

a couple of cougaritas--
hold the salt--

and let's get
this party started!

[Cheering]

Okay, that was a new song

that I don't like
and don't care about,

but here's one of
the best ones ever recorded,

and if you disagree, you can
fight me on the dance floor.

[Loverboy's
Working for the Weekend]

Lennon, truth.

When I called you guys
earlier today,

were you getting
your bodies worked?

We absolutely were.

So why did you
pick up the phone?

Well, 'cause I was worried
you were getting murdered.

Okay, Len, you need to
stop worrying about me

and start getting
that body worked.

Okay, then you need to knock
before you come in our bedroom.

Oh, my God, that morning,
were you guys in the middle--

[Gasps]
I sat on the edge of the bed!

Yeah, you almost
sat on his junk.

- Oh, man.
- Bad news!

You've been disqualified
from queen cougar.

[Groans]
Danielle from short hills.

No, Trevor looked you up
on Facebook.

- Nice tankini, by the way.
- Thank you.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Well, you're under
the age limit.

Huh.
You know what?

I will tell you
something, Corey.

The only thing better
than being crowned queen cougar

is being told that you are
too young to be queen cougar.

Are you Corey?
Are you Corey?

You the guy?
Excuse me, are you the guy?

I'm always the guy.

[All gasp] No, Rav!

Rav, stop! Stop!
I'm good!

- I'm all right.
- Really?

Yes.

I let it get weird.

Sorry, dude.
I had to punch you, man.

You were wearing a pith helmet.

No, he deserved it.

I did.

[Music resumes]

Oh, man,
I gotta get in on this.

All right!

- Get in there, girl.
- Get out of here.

Oh, man, that's a nice one.

[Laughs] Guys!

Guys, you gotta see
Danielle from short hills' face

when they tell her I'm too young
to be queen cougar!

This is priceless.

Oh, my God.

[Knocks] [Door lock clicks]

Guys, I knocked.
What's going on?

[Door lock clicks]

Oh, my God,
did you put a lock on this?

[Loverboy's
Working for the Weekend]

[Gasps]
Are you doing it right now?

[Laughs]

Oh, my--you are!
Right now!

You're working
each other's bodies.

Gross!

Gross!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0