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1
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,878
Hey, Rich.
Check this out.
2
00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:16,668
Brilliant.
3
00:00:18,931 --> 00:00:21,586
All right, listen up,
you overgrown moochers.
4
00:00:21,673 --> 00:00:23,719
Carol and I are both
working late tonight,
5
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:25,503
so we made a list
of chores for you to do
before we get home.
6
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:32,641
Wash the dishes,
do the laundry,
7
00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,773
vacuum, dust,
clean out the basement,
8
00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,645
sweep the garage,
mow the lawn,
9
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,690
change the linens,
water the plants,
10
00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:41,389
and whatever's growing in that
bathroom upstairs, kill it,
11
00:00:41,476 --> 00:00:42,738
and then clean it.
12
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:45,958
Anything else?
13
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,396
Yeah, scrape that pancake
off the ceiling.
14
00:00:55,446 --> 00:00:57,405
Done.
15
00:01:11,027 --> 00:01:12,681
I don't believe this.
16
00:01:12,768 --> 00:01:14,117
I thought
I left instructions
17
00:01:14,204 --> 00:01:16,380
to clean this place up.
18
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,861
Kids.
19
00:01:20,297 --> 00:01:22,212
Looks like you got
some butt to kick.
20
00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:24,301
Yeah, and I'm gonna
start with yours.
21
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:26,303
Now take those dishes
into the kitchen
and start cleaning.
22
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:27,870
Come on, J.T.
Come on.
23
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:30,002
Come on, Dad.
What's the big deal?
24
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,266
Gosh, you just told us
like ten hours ago.
25
00:01:32,353 --> 00:01:34,224
You know, you're right.
26
00:01:34,311 --> 00:01:36,052
You guys just do
whatever you want, okay?
27
00:01:36,139 --> 00:01:37,488
I'm exhausted.
28
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:39,534
You can live like pigs.
Wallow in garbage.
29
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:41,318
Let the rats take over.
30
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:43,451
Okay. Good night, Dad.
31
00:01:48,630 --> 00:01:52,068
I'm tired of being
the sheriff of Lambert county.
32
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:51,083
Not anymore.
33
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,394
Greetings, good people
of Happy Valley.
34
00:02:57,481 --> 00:03:00,005
We're the newlyweds.
35
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:02,051
Bite me.
36
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:07,491
and build ourselves
a little house
on the prairie.
37
00:03:07,578 --> 00:03:09,885
Didn't you two hear
what I was singing about?
38
00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,496
This place has gone to seed ever
since you-know-who moved in.
39
00:03:12,583 --> 00:03:14,411
Who?
40
00:03:14,498 --> 00:03:16,326
Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
41
00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,375
Out of my way, Grandma.
42
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:26,945
I think I hear him comin'!
43
00:03:37,695 --> 00:03:39,219
Howdy.
44
00:03:40,089 --> 00:03:42,222
-Who's...
-That?
45
00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:45,225
Why, that's
the baddest gunslinger
46
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:46,835
this side
of the French Riviera.
47
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,750
Black Bart
Rieupeyroux.
48
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,668
Thank you.
49
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:57,672
What do you want now,
Black Bart?
50
00:03:57,759 --> 00:04:00,109
I want you.
51
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,851
I've come to demand
your hand in marriage.
52
00:04:02,938 --> 00:04:06,985
In fact, I'll take
all the other parts, too.
53
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,727
I'd sooner bed down
with a billy goat
than marry you.
54
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,643
Save the kinky stuff
for the wedding night.
55
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:19,868
All right, everyone...
56
00:04:19,955 --> 00:04:21,522
If Miss Kitty
will not marry me,
57
00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:23,567
I will make
this town suffer
58
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:26,788
like the audience
at a Pauly Shore concert.
59
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,227
First,
the official language
60
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,447
will change
from English to French.
61
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,624
And then instead
of eating pork and beans,
62
00:04:36,711 --> 00:04:39,801
you will all eat...
snails and beans.
63
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:42,586
And then...
64
00:04:42,673 --> 00:04:45,720
Would you wait
until I've said it?
65
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,420
And then,
66
00:04:50,507 --> 00:04:53,597
to make the town
truly French,
67
00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:56,208
bathing will be outlawed.
68
00:04:57,340 --> 00:04:59,821
Now.
69
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:08,438
What do you say about that,
Miss Kitty?
70
00:05:08,525 --> 00:05:10,571
I say you wouldn't
be actin' like this
71
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:13,182
if my beloved
Sheriff Frank was still
the man he used to be.
72
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,967
Well, why don't you go get
your beloved Sheriff Frank?
73
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:18,143
Why don't you go get him?
I'll tell you why.
74
00:05:18,230 --> 00:05:21,886
Because he's a yellow-bellied,
washed-up, gin...
75
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:25,281
What?
76
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,327
gin-guzzling
pile of buffalo chips.
77
00:05:39,077 --> 00:05:40,688
Pa?
78
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,820
Pa. Pa.
79
00:05:42,907 --> 00:05:44,735
Are you fixin'
to get up today?
80
00:05:47,695 --> 00:05:52,308
Who are you?
81
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,834
Yeah.
82
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,314
Hello, son.
83
00:05:58,401 --> 00:05:59,707
Whoo-whee!
84
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:01,361
Pa, that breath of yours
85
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:04,538
could strip the makeup
off of Tammy Faye Bakker!
86
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,065
Howdy.
87
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,849
We're the newlyweds.
88
00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:16,376
That's so beautiful.
89
00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:17,681
Are you the sheriff?
90
00:06:17,768 --> 00:06:20,249
No, sir.
I'm the half-wit deputy.
91
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,469
This here drunk's
the sheriff.
92
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:26,516
Sheriff. Sheriff.
You must save us.
93
00:06:26,603 --> 00:06:28,953
Black Bart is gonna
run the town into the ground
94
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,564
if Miss Kitty
won't marry him.
95
00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:32,827
I get the vapors
just thinking about that.
96
00:06:32,914 --> 00:06:34,611
You've gotta do something.
97
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,787
Little lady...
98
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:42,314
...let me tell you
a sad story.
99
00:06:43,359 --> 00:06:44,926
Say there, Sheriff,
100
00:06:45,013 --> 00:06:48,146
what key is that,
sad story in?
101
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:51,323
Well, gee...
102
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:54,109
"G" it is.
103
00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,115
Well, you know,
once upon a time,
104
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:02,683
things was good
in Happy Valley.
105
00:07:04,119 --> 00:07:06,817
People believed
in law and order,
106
00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:10,647
and everybody listened
to the sheriff.
107
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:15,391
And then,
all of a sudden,
108
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,872
things went bad.
109
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,874
People started
leavin' their toys
110
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,180
out on Main Street,
you know?
111
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:30,145
And the "crick" got full
of dirty dishes?
112
00:07:31,538 --> 00:07:33,453
Dirty dishes everywhere.
113
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:37,500
Nobody did what
they was supposed to.
114
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:40,677
Got him. Okay.
115
00:07:40,764 --> 00:07:43,071
And that's why,
little lady,
116
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,942
I am the way I am.
117
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:49,599
That's why I've crawled into
this here bottle of hooch.
118
00:07:49,686 --> 00:07:52,167
And that's been
my address ever since.
119
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,173
Well, I know it's tough
bein' sheriff, but--
120
00:07:58,260 --> 00:07:59,653
Knock it off.
121
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:03,787
I know it's tough
being sheriff,
122
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:07,225
but you can't turn
your back on the town.
123
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:09,401
I mean, you love
Miss Kitty, don't you?
124
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,881
Don't you?
125
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:12,622
Yeah, of course I love her.
126
00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,712
Who we talkin' about?
127
00:08:15,799 --> 00:08:17,540
Why, Miss Kitty.
128
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:20,238
I love her.
129
00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:23,111
She makes
my heart sing.
130
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:25,592
Why, I'd climb the highest
mountain for her.
131
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,072
I'd swim
the deepest sea.
132
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,465
I...
133
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:33,687
I would crawl across
a burnin' desert.
134
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:36,211
Well, then you gotta
sober up.
135
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,302
Are you
out of your mind?
136
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:44,001
Well, but you cannot let her
marry Black Bart Rieupeyroux.
137
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:50,312
What was that?
138
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,751
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
139
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,188
But it happens
every time you say
"Black Bart Rieupeyroux."
140
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,932
Somewhere in this room,
141
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,978
there's a little
"pianer" player.
142
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:08,417
Sorry.
143
00:09:08,504 --> 00:09:10,680
Goodie.
144
00:09:12,595 --> 00:09:15,729
But, Sheriff,
you have got to save us.
145
00:09:15,816 --> 00:09:17,905
You're our only hope.
146
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,561
Thank you.
147
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:25,956
Well, dear,
if I'm your only hope,
148
00:09:26,043 --> 00:09:28,568
you're up Stinky Crick
without a paddle.
149
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,054
Wake me when
"Gunsmoke" is on.
150
00:09:50,198 --> 00:09:53,680
Miss Kitty, I can't believe
you're marryin' Black Bart.
151
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:55,072
Well, somebody's
gotta save the town,
152
00:09:55,159 --> 00:09:57,466
and my beloved Frank
is about as helpful
153
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,294
as sandpaper
in an outhouse.
154
00:10:04,125 --> 00:10:06,170
so we could get
this whole thing over with.
155
00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:10,522
Somebody call
for a preacher man?
156
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,437
You're a preacher man?
157
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:15,745
Well, actually,
I'm the son
of a preacher man.
158
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:18,052
You must be
the lucky bride.
159
00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:19,401
Now, where's the groom?
160
00:10:19,488 --> 00:10:22,360
Mr. Black Bart
Rieupeyroux?
161
00:10:25,668 --> 00:10:27,148
Out of my way,
little girl.
162
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:29,150
I don't want
no stinking cookies.
163
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,066
I think
I hear him comin'!
164
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:39,856
Howdy.
165
00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:41,728
What are you looking at?
166
00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:55,219
You make a lovely bride,
my dear.
167
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:01,573
you filthy, pathetic sack
of prairie dog puke.
168
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,925
This is already going better
than my first marriage.
169
00:11:05,012 --> 00:11:07,057
All right, come on.
Let's tie the knot,
sweet cheeks.
170
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,152
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
171
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,328
to join this man
and this woman
172
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,548
in unholy matrimony.
173
00:11:19,635 --> 00:11:21,506
If anyone sees fit
to object,
174
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:24,553
speak now or forever
hold your peace.
175
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:33,040
Can we try that again?
176
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:38,262
No, please carry on.
177
00:11:38,349 --> 00:11:41,613
For a brave savior
on a white horse.
178
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,920
The sheriff is coming.
179
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:52,189
Somebody call for
a savior on a white horse?
180
00:11:56,150 --> 00:11:57,194
Pa!
181
00:11:57,281 --> 00:11:58,543
Pa, wake up!
182
00:11:58,630 --> 00:12:01,895
Sheriff!
Sheriff, Sheriff.
183
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:04,071
I'm so glad
you're here.
184
00:12:04,158 --> 00:12:06,813
Me, too.
185
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,511
You're a filthy,
pathetic, sloppy mess,
186
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,643
but at least
you're here.
187
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,123
Well, I couldn't
stand the thought
188
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,995
of you marryin' another man,
189
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:18,128
so I cast aside my liquor
and I stood up,
190
00:12:18,215 --> 00:12:19,477
and then I fell down.
191
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,610
And then I stood up again,
192
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:23,786
and I fell down again.
193
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,570
Then I passed out
for about three hours,
194
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:28,225
but, came to,
took a couple Advil,
feel pretty good.
195
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:29,531
Where is this Frenchie?
196
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:30,837
Right here.
197
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:33,448
Okay, Frenchie.
I--.
198
00:12:33,535 --> 00:12:35,145
The only way for you
to prevent this wedding
199
00:12:35,232 --> 00:12:36,799
is to shoot me dead.
200
00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:38,845
there's a good idea.
201
00:12:38,932 --> 00:12:41,673
Okay, I challenge you
to a showdown.
202
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,763
A showdown? Ha!
203
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,677
The last time
you shot a gun,
204
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,855
Dr. Pepper was still
in medical school.
205
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,129
Sorry.
206
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:05,959
All right, I'll show you
I can still shoot.
207
00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:08,657
Stand aside,
wine drinker.
208
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:28,372
Well, nice shootin',
Sheriff.
209
00:13:28,459 --> 00:13:30,592
Well, not really.
I was aimin' at the mirror.
210
00:13:32,420 --> 00:13:35,684
Well, maybe this showdown
isn't such a good idea.
211
00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:39,688
Maybe?
The man just missed a mirror
the size of Cleveland!
212
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:41,342
Should we make
a run for it, Pa?
213
00:13:41,429 --> 00:13:44,171
Come on!
214
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,042
God, son, listen to me.
215
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:48,392
There comes a time
in everyone's life
216
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:52,048
when a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
217
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:55,530
Wake up, son.
218
00:13:55,617 --> 00:13:57,053
Pa!
219
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,533
Like I said,
220
00:13:58,620 --> 00:14:00,840
that's just one of life's
little do-dos.
221
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,278
Excuse me.
222
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:07,150
When you're done with
Forrest Gump over there,
223
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:09,239
we have a showdown
to schedule.
224
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:14,418
Let's meet here at noon.
225
00:14:15,463 --> 00:14:16,812
High noon.
226
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:06,383
Ninety-nine! 27! 100!
227
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,342
Maybe Sheriff Frank
can stay sober.
228
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:54,649
Maybe he can
beat Black Bart.
229
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,694
Maybe he can
save Happy Valley.
230
00:15:56,781 --> 00:16:00,437
Maybe we should just bend over
and kiss our butts good-bye.
231
00:16:00,524 --> 00:16:02,265
Well, yeah,
we could do that, too.
232
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:09,664
Hello,
my luscious wife-to-be.
233
00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:12,667
Don't be so sure.
This dream ain't over yet.
234
00:16:12,754 --> 00:16:14,756
I wonder what could be
keepin' the sheriff.
235
00:16:19,674 --> 00:16:23,765
Cool! Sheriff Frank
has a theme song, too.
236
00:16:29,466 --> 00:16:31,120
Sheriff.
237
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,688
Sheriff.
Sheriff, I beg of you.
238
00:16:33,775 --> 00:16:35,907
-Don't do this.
-Save it, little lady.
239
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,432
No, no, you mustn't die
for the sake of the town,
240
00:16:38,519 --> 00:16:42,175
even though Black Bart
wants me and nobody else.
241
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,525
What are you two doing
after the wedding?
242
00:16:48,311 --> 00:16:52,881
I'm sorry, ma'am.
243
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:54,317
Confidentially,
I got a wedgie
244
00:16:54,404 --> 00:16:56,450
the size of
the Louisiana Purchase.
245
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:59,235
Now I know why John Wayne
walked that way.
246
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,759
Well, all right, pilgrim.
247
00:17:04,806 --> 00:17:06,982
Say your prayers,
law man.
248
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:26,262
Okay, barkeep.
249
00:17:26,349 --> 00:17:28,830
We're ready
when you say "draw."
250
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,941
Draw!
251
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,655
We knew
you could do it, Sheriff.
252
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:15,224
I've fallen,
and I can't get up.
253
00:18:17,705 --> 00:18:20,795
But, Pa, Pa,
where's Black Bart's bullet?
254
00:18:26,931 --> 00:18:28,803
Way to go, Sheriff.
255
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,549
Sheriff.
256
00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:38,029
Sheriff, you are my hero.
257
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,988
Well, now we can
get married.
258
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:45,950
Music please.
259
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,563
Sing now, Pa?
260
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:51,146
Snail?
261
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,192
What have you got,
Sheriff?
262
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:56,891
I've got four aces.
263
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:03,202
Well, you lose,
because I've got five aces!
264
00:20:03,289 --> 00:20:06,509
Well, that makes nine aces,
265
00:20:06,596 --> 00:20:09,295
and that's one more
then comes in a deck.
266
00:20:09,382 --> 00:20:12,123
You're a low-down,
rotten, dirty cheater.
267
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,430
Nobody calls me
a cheater!
268
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,780
I am Black Bart
Rieupeyroux!
269
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:24,223
I still got it.
270
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:28,009
Well, you're going down.
271
00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,624
Any last words?
272
00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:35,756
Yeah.
273
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:37,714
Look, it's J.R.!
274
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:55,515
Sheriff.
You were wonderful.
275
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:58,039
It's great to have you
around these parts.
276
00:20:58,126 --> 00:21:01,347
Well, Miss Kitty,
it's great to be around
those parts.
277
00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:03,871
Sheriff.
17854
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