All language subtitles for Til Death S01E06

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
Proudly Presents

Sync: YTET-СҰ����
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-

Til.death
Season 1 Episode 6

So what do you think of my office,ma?

I love it.

And look at your view.

You can see all those kids smoking.

Bonnie,get a picture of me and the
vice principal on the detention couch.

Come on.

Look stern.

Woodcock,we got a problem.

Time to put out another fire,ma.

Yeah,cart 7-a is officially dead.

Your complaint is noted.

I'll bring it up at the next
equipment and facilities brunch.

Oh,you mean when you bring a box of mini
donuts down to tom in the boiler room?

Called working the system,eddie.

You should try it some time.

Oh,eddie,meet my mom bonnie.

Mom,this is my neighbor eddie,

the one I was telling you about.

Yeah,you're right.
He is sort of handsome.

Well,thank you,woodcock.

That wasn't the only thing I said.

Well,it was so nice to meet you.

Oh,the pleasure's all mine,mrs. W.

Well,we should get going.
Our nail appointment's at 10:00.

And after that,we're gonna
hit the sale rack at mervyn'S.

My treat.

Bye,sweetie.

- Nice to meet you.
- A pleasure.

There they go. Two best girls.

Yeah,it's quite a picture.

It's a shame they hate each other.

- What?
- Well,it's not just them.

It's universal.

The mother and the
wife are bitter enemies.

Always have been,always will be.

It's god's way.

Well,my mom and steph,
they love each other.

No,they don'T.

Look,here's the thing.

Now that you're married,
there's 2 mrs. Woodcocks,

and that's far too many.

Well,one's my wife and
the other's my mother.

And they still need to prove
who's the alpha female,

like 2 she-wolves fighting over the
bloated carcass of a dead caribou.

Only the bloated carcass is you.

- You make it sound so
- primal? Savage?

Oh,you betcha.

What's going on in there,woodcock?

Let me in.

I was just wondering if I had the authority
to transfer you to another district.

Oh,I know it's hard to hear,

but it's all true.

Well,I don't think you're right.

Oh,I am right. I'm as
right as I am handsome.

what a great dinner,huh?

It was delicious.

Oh,it was.

I love chinese food and you know what?

An orange for dessert is plenty.

And I'm sorry you didn't get
to order your dumplings,steph.

That's ok.

Those cold noodles you
wanted to try were great.

You know what else is great,guys?

This. This right here.

God,this triangle of love.

Anybody want ice cream?

All right. Good night,ma.

Hey,I left a bottle of water by your
bed just in case you get thirsty.

Look at mr. Rockefeller with his bottled water.

I love you. Have a good night.

- Hey,this was fun.
- yeah

Well,uh, she seems all set.

Yeah,you know, I thought the bottle of
water by the bed was a good idea,you know.

Chinese food always makes me thirsty.

Isn't it funny how it does that?

Well,it is getting late.

Hey,you know what we get to do tonight.

We get to try the new air mattress.

Bouncy,huh?

Hey,we could pretend

we're elves making love on a big marshmallow.

Or we could play that fun
little me,we played earlier.

You know,the one where we're caught
in the crossfire outside of wu's palace

and you save your mother and leave me for dead.

What?

What,is that how you read that?

Come here,you.

Ok,jeff,we are not having sex as elves,

or humans or anything else right now.

Don't you think you're
overreacting just a little bit?

I mean,it was a scooter backfiring.

Well,it sounded like gunshots.

I don't think it did.

I can't believe this.

You would take a bullet for her,

but me,you just pushed to the side.

She was nearest to the shooter.

And she's old. She can't run.

she had no trouble running through that sale at
mervyn's to get to the london fog raincoat rack.

Honey,I just... I heard a
noise and I acted on instinct.

Yeah,your instinct was to protect your mom,

just like your instinct was
to sell me down the river

when I wanted to order my dumplings.

Aha! Yeah.

See,I knew that was bothering you.

You know as well as I do that
we all agreed on the noddles.

No. You and your mother voted against me.

That's when I went dead inside.

Honey,hey,

look, I'm sorry.

Look,I'll do anything to
make it up to you, I swear.

From now on, it's all about you.

Jeffey,do you have an extra pillow?

Hey,are you using that other one
just for reading? I'll give her mine.

Where's the milk?

It was either my cereal or your coffee.

My cereal won.

Want me to scoop out a little?

I don't want your used milk.

- It's fine.
- It's pink.

Who's this?

Sorry I'm a little early for car pool,

but things are kind of tense at my place.

Want me to get you some coffee?

Sure.

You got it.

Can I get it with just a little milk?

So to what do we owe this
mildly annoying intrusion?

I kind of had a little problem
in chinatown last night.

Yeah? Is the kung pao
starting to make its move?

What? No. No.

Well,I kind of thought
someone was shooting at us,

and it turns out it was just
a scooter backfiring,and,

well, I dove to save my mom
and kind of left steph for dead.

God,that makes me smile.

What are you trying to do,
destroy your marriage?

No,no,I was just--

get this through your skull.

Steph is the most important
woman in your life right now,ok?

There is only one mrs. Woodcock,one,

and that is your wife.

Your mother is now the artist
formerly known as mrs. Woodcock.

Listen to big red here. She speaks the truth.

What is your mother visiting now for anyway?

You've been married, what,like,7 minutes?

You're still laying the
groundwork for your marriage.

The foundation isn't dry.

Your wife needs time to...

spray her scent?

What?

You've got to send your mother
home before it gets any worse.

Put that woman on a plane.

Eddie cares very deeply about his mother,

but he made it clear early on in
our relationship who was number one.

Mom's a fun lady,
but she is not my number one.

Jeff,trust me on this one,ok?

- I got to go to work.
- ok

- Love you.
- Ok.All right, lollipop.

I guess I could change her plane ticket,but--

don't you dare do that to your mother!

What?

You just said to me
to put her on a plane.

I don't care what I said in front of her.

That's just what the wives want you to do:

Send your mom home so they can drive that wedge.

Make you alienate the one woman in the
world who loves you more than anything else.

They can't love you like that,
and it shames them.

'Cause you gotta get rid of that old woman.

Bye.

Do not get rid of that old woman.

Maybe if I put my mom on a plane,

steph will calm down and the
whole thing will blow over.

- Blow over?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

The year was 1991.

The place was papa lasagna's,

home of papa lasagna's famous veal lasagna.

I was there with my mother and joy
and joy orders a personal pan pizza

and my mom innocently says,

I've never seen a woman eat a whole pizza pie.

And somehow to joy, that meant
your ass is as big as kansas.

Well,you can imagine. We fought for 3 months,

and I defended my mom

and I tried to explain to joy
that she didn't mean anything by it,

but at the end of the day,
you have to pick a side,

and I picked the one that I liked seeing naked.

Joy.

First you tell me not to
put my mom on a plane.

Now you're telling me to choose my wife.

I'm totally confused.

All right, look,woodcock,

this is what you do,ok?

To the outside world, you choose your wife,

but you take the relationship
with your mother underground.

What do you mean, underground?

Yes,you start phoning her from work.

You set up a secret email with a
clever username known only to her.

For you,I suggest freddylipswack52.

- What?
- It's just a little something I noticed.

You also want to have a secret credit card

so you don't need her approval
to get your mom special gifts,

like a combination tv/vcr

so she only has to learn one remote.

You have a secret credit card?

I'll do you one better.

With the miles that I earned on it,

I actually took my mom to
cabo san lucas on the downlow

on what turned out to be one of the most
wonderful weekends of both of our lives.

Are you suggesting that I have
an affair with my mother?

That's too creepy.

It can be.

Make sure you get two double beds.

Learn from my mistake.

I'm sorry I have to send you home.

It's just steph is still really upset about
this whole stupid backfire,gunshot thing.

Yeah.

I took an ambien around midnight.

Did she ever stop yelling?

Not so much.

Anyway,you know, you're
only leaving a few days early

and,hey,you get that nice,leisurely layover,

so you can shop and get some lunch

and maybe some dinner and...

wish I was flying through
detroit, I'll tell you that.

Sweetie,don't worry about it.

I got my book of crossword
puzzles and my yogurt.

I'll be just fine.

I know,but...

oh,jeffrey,it's important for you
and steph to get your life settled.

I'm in the way right
now and I should go

so you two can work things out.

Honey,you know I love
you more than anything.

I know that.

My only goal is to make sure you're happy,

even if I'm not there to see it.

You're not going anywhere.

I don't know.

Is it evil that I actually
let jeff send him mom away?

Are you kidding?

Jeff was gonna let the
chinese guy kill you.

Hey,what are you ladies
doing,making a quilt?

No,eddie,we're having
what's called a conversation.

Ok,geniuses.

I just--I still feel kind of guilty.

Steph,let me tell you a little
story about mother-in-laws.

When we were first married,

eddie drags me to this
crappy italian restaurant,

papa lasagna's,with his mother.

She just can't let it go.

I order this tiny,
little personal pan pizza.

She looks me straight in the eye.

Tells me I'm fat.

Come on,eddie. Back me up on this.

Remember how rude she was?

Yes. What part of personal pan
pizza didn't she understand?

Well,I should go.

Jeff's gonna be home
from the airport soon.

I'll walk you out.

I'm going out.

Hallelujah.

Every time I tell the pizza story,

I desperately need to
eat a personal pan pizza.

You know what I like to do?

I like to fold 'em in half
and eat 'em like a taco.

I couldn't do it. I was
on the way to the airport.

I just couldn't do it.
It's not fair to ma.

Od for you,woodcock.
You did the right thing.

Well,wait.

I just...I gotta talk
this over with steph,

so can I just leave mom
here for a little while?

Wait. Here?

That's kind of weird.

You know, there's a red roof
inn right near doylestown.

Eddie,please?

All right. I will give
your mother safe harbor.

Are you sure about this,jeff?

Don't worry,ma. He's huge,but he's kind.

Have you been to cabo?

hi,Honey,listen,

I gotta talk to you for one second.

Baby,I am so sorry
about this whole thing.

Oh,so am I. Look--

I know you love your mother very much,

and I should never have put you in the
position of having to choose between us.

Really? So you didn't want
me to put my mom on a plane?

Oh,no. I'm so glad you did that.

Now...I just ordered chinese food,

so I can finally get those dumplings

and that gives us about a half
hour to play elves on a marshmallow.

ok.

Eddie?

Did you clean?

What is that smell?

It's so... delicious.

Who are you?

Oh,this is jeff's mother from next door.

And look.
She baked a gingerbread eddie.

It's delicious. Try one of my arms.

It's very nice to meet you.
You have a lovely home.

Thank you. I thought jeff was
taking you to the airport.

So did I.

Eddie?

Oh,excuse us for a moment,
won't you,mother woodcock?

- Yes?
- Come in here for a second.

Why is jeff's mother in our
kitchen giving you a haircut?

Well,you know my regular guy
is having boyfriend problems.

All right,look,jeff just
wanted to keep her here

until he had an opportunity to go
home and explain everything to steph.

Wait. Steph doesn't
know that she's here?

Not exactly.

Does she think that his mother's on a plane?

No comment.

You know what? That is it.

I am not going to be a part
of lying steph about this.

We are taking her back.

Oh,no,you're not.

I'm not gonna allow you to chase
another mother out of our house.

- What?
- And P.S. My mom never called you fat.

This is not about your mother.

Oh,this is exactly about my mother.

And you wanna know something else?
Just for the record,

the only thing my mom said is a whole
pizza just for you seems like a lot of food.

She didn't know what she was saying.

She'd never heard of personal pizzas before.

She can from a generation where
pizzas only came in one size:

Huge!

And I suppose she didn't mean
anything when she snorted

when I sprinkled a teensy
bit of parmesan on top of it.

What the hell were you trying to do,

set a world record for cheese eating?

It is a personal pan pizza.

Personal. Am I crazy, mrs. Woodcock,

or is this not a pizza for one person?

I wouldn't want to get in the middle of this.

But it does seem like it might be a challenge
for a lady to finish that in one sitting.

Just a minute.

You're not chinese food.

Jeff,I am not gonna be a part of this.

Part of what?

What's going on? Bonnie?

Jeff,I thought you took
your mom to the airport.

I did. I mean I was--

he was hiding her at our house.

- Really?
- Yes.

So he came home,

lied to me, and then we made love?

Didn't know that part, but yes.

I can't believe you did this.

How could you lie to me?

He had no choice.

We all lie.

We have to when you make us take
your side over our own mothers.

So he kept his mom at our
house for the afternoon.

What's the big deal?

But married people
don't lie to each other.

What?

Of course we do.

Hell,there was this one time

I actually told joy that I was
going to a history teacher's symposium

and I was actually with my
mother in cabo san lucas.

Silly question. Is joy still here?

Yep.

Do you happen to own a protective cup?

All right, what about that one?

Oh,that's where I bought
my mom a day of beauty.

All right, how about this one?

That was a pair of high-end orthopedic shoes.

Long story short,
she's dancing again.

All right,that one.

Oh,that was the commemorative
100th episode matlock boxed

set with additional
commentary from andy griffith.

Ok,throw in cabo.

That's another two grand.

Carry the one,

that comes to...

I'm redoing the kitchen,

and I'm buying myself a horse.

Sync: YTET-СҰ����
-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-