All language subtitles for ONLY 04E09-ENGCP

Sazz was my friend.

We're trying to solve her murder.

Right. For your podcast.

- Ben Glenroy?
- Ben's dead!

I'm Glen Stubbins, Ben's stunt double.

Can ya help me get a job on your film?

You lost your stunt double.
I lost my acting double.

We could make each other whole again.

Oh God, they've been shot!

It's Glen! He's still alive!

Stubbins is stable, but unconscious.

The bullet struck the plate in his head
and deflected to Gali-fine-akis.

I sign on to your crazy for a lifetime.

You're giving me a doll's bracelet?

I'm proposing to you, Oliver.
I wanna marry you.

We're getting married
this weekend!

Sazz figured this all out.
Maybe that's what she wanted to tell me.

I vanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.

She was on the ham radio,

asking about all dese huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.

You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.

She talked about a stuntman on a movie
called Project Ronkonkoma.

She said, "He's gonna be the death of me."

What's Project Ronkonkoma?

Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.

Who's the stunt person?
Is it someone we can talk to?

Not exactly.

For those of us in film and TV,
the people you work with are everything.

Until it's time to move on
to the next show,

and then it's easy to lose touch.

Talk to Pataki.

Hey hey, Spanko! How's it goin', man?

No, no, you're good. I'm just leavin' set.

Project Ronkonkoma!
Of course I can wrestle up a team!

But sometimes, you meet a person

you don't want to let go of.

And sometimes, they can change your life

in ways you never saw coming.

Ha, ha!

Geez!

That was some flip!

I teach that in
my Advanced Somersault Intensive,

which is in the winter.

You ever stunted before?

There he is.

Excuse me, you can't go in there.

Oh, uh, we have to. Uh, we're his family.

Uh, that's right.
We're the Stubbins, you know.

I'm Oliver. Th-This cailín is Mabel,
and of course, you've met cousin Charles.

And it sure is good to know ya!

Well, the accent's new.

Well, it's in and out.

Okay, fine, we're here
investigating a murder,

and we need to see Glen.

Glen is in a fragile state.

He can't be subjected to
an interrogation right now.

No need to worry, darlin'.
These are mild questions.

Like, uh, "We heard Sazz was
beefin' with her protégé."

Might that be you, Glen Stubbins?"

And sure,
whatever happened on Project Ronkonkoma

on the Erin's green isle?

Um, and you know,

"Did you murder our friend?"

You're not goin' in. That's final.

Also, what's with the beer?

- Oh, uh, we were going to...
- No, please.

L-lure him out of his coma.

Ya thought the smell
of beer would rouse him?

Why? 'Cause he's Irish?

Did ya bring some corned beef, too?

No...

We also brought smellin' salts.

Good luck accusin' that
of being in bad taste.

I don't even know if they work.

They work. They work.

We also brought a witchy board

on the off-chance
he could control it with his mind.

So?

Well, the nurse said that
she'd call if Glen wakes up.

- Oh.
- So, what do we do now?

What do I do with all this beer?

Sazz gave them to me the night she died,

but I'm never gonna drink them
'cause, as you know,

beer is a peasant's drink.

Oliver, I'll take your peasant's beer

because I'm such a good friend.

You know, I've been thinking.

You're getting married in a few days,
and what if I took you out

and bought you a non-beer drink to,
uh, celebrate?

Charles, are you offering
to throw me a bachelor party?

I don't care what people say.

You're not an ice prince.

Good people.

Guys, it's the bartender from Concussions.

Ah!

The three jackasses who promised
to solve Sazz's murder.

We're still doing that.

Hm, racked up a coma along the way.

Hey, uh, you're in the stunt world.

We heard Sazz's protégé on
Project Ronkonkoma

was giving her a hard time,

and Glen Stubbins ended up
with credit on the movie.

No.

Glen was brought in
to replace Sazz's protégé.

The guy fucked up so bad,
Sazz had to blackball him.

So, Sazz ended her protégé's career,

and then Glen replaced him.

That's motive to kill both of 'em.

So, Glen was never our shooter.
He was another victim.

Who was this protégé?

- And what happened on Project Ronkonkoma?
- I didn't know the guy.

The only ones who know what went down
are Sazz, Glen, and the director.

So, all we have to do is track down
the director of that movie,

who was...

Ron Howard.

Finally, a celebrity this season!

Oh! Your first
professional fire stunt.

Oh! Alright.

Now I know we've been
over this a million times.

We're gonna make it a million and one.
Ready?

- Mm-hmm.
- Step one,

grab your fireproof jock from
the deep freeze. Strap it on.

Step two, slather up
your tender bits with this stuff.

Wrists, neck, ankles.

Anything not covered by...

This flame-retardant vest,

AKA step three.

Yeah, it's a bit tattered,
it's a bit old school,

but it's a gift from my old man,
and it's kept me safe all these years.

Here, for you. Try it on.

Lather yourself up,

and we're gonna torch you.

Ooh! I'm so psyched for you.

Frank! You good?

Well, took us long enough,
but we finally are on the right track.

Only question is how the hell
do we get to Ron Howard?

Well, I've been waiting to tell you this
for maximum impact, but...

Ron-Ron and I are close personal friends.

And you know it's true
because he called him Ron-Ron.

I'll have you know our headshots
are hung right next to each other

at my favorite Chinese restaurant.

Well, next to each other
in an across-and-down sort of way.

My face is covered by a plant,

but my pompadour is pompin'.

Great. Your pictures know each other.
That's incredibly helpful.

Devastating that you know me so well

and yet you could think
that was the end of my story.

The year!

1988.

I was 10 dumplings deep,

but who should enter?
Hollywood's own, Ron Howard.

Next thing you know,
we're sharing an off-menu soup

that is so spicy,
we sweat through our shirts.

We talked into the wee hours,

topless, and, I don't know,

maybe we danced on top of the table.

I'm not sure.
The end of the evening is a bit fuzzy.

Not unlike Ron-Ron's chest,
which I do remember.

You saw Ron Howard's nipples?

- Oh, my God!
- Like two little cardinals in a bush.

Okay, let's just say that story is true.

Why don't you give, uh, your good friend
a call and get us some info?

Well, this was before cell phones, Mabel.

- Mm.
- I only have the number

to his car fax machine,

but if we stake out the restaurant,
we'll find him.

You know what? I'm just gonna call

Tommy Hanks and just get his number.

I mean, he's one of my close
personal friends, you know,

because, one time,
I watched The Polar Express.

That is fu... Although,

speaking of Tom Hanks,
we should invite him.

Invite him to what?

My bachelor party.

I've literally spent the entire time
with you since the hospital.

- When would I have ever done that?
- I-I'm sorry. Yes, okay.

B-But, the invites should
go out soon, Charles.

Yeah, Charles. I mean,
you have, like, 50 hours,

which means you're looking at Evites.

Evites. Yeah, that's not the classiest,

but that is the hand we have been dealt.

Alright, I'll keep it simple.
I just want three little things

for my bachelor party.

Whiskey,

A-list celebrities,

and someone who does something naughty,

and we all have to keep it a secret
for the rest of our lives.

I'll give you an acronym
to help you remember.

W-A-N-S, WANS.

Whiskey, A-list celebrities,
naughty secret.

Got it.

H-E-L-P.

This seems like a really
good time for me to exit.

So, I am gonna go visit someone

who can actually help us find Ron Howard.

Come in.

- Mabel!
- Hey.

You look so pretty!

Wait, did we have something
on the books for today?

Hold.

- Skylar?
- Hi.

Hi, did we have something
on the books with Mabel today?

Maybe. I-I don't remember.

I-It's fine if you forgot.

I keep forgetting!

You're in a safe space, don't worry.

No, please don't take another
mental health day. Please, no.

Okay, good. Bye.

Can't take it anymore.

Uh... Sorry,
there was nothing on the books today.

I, um, I just...
I wanted to ask you about...

About the movie?

Ugh, let me tell you.
The movie is addicted

to being a piece of shit.

I hate the costumes. They're awful.

Eva Longoria is constantly unavailable

because of some TED Talk
or billionaire's birthday.

The Brothers Sisters are
draining every last drop of me.

But, they do keep asking
for more Mabel scenes,

which is interesting.
Something about your...

"erotic non-sexuality."

Yeah, it's the sweaters.

And every draft that Marshall turns in
is worse than the last.

It's like I can't even remember
the script that I fell in love with.

And I don't know if it's the two
coffee enemas that I took this morning,

but I'm starting to think
that the Brothers Sisters

aren't actually identical.

Well, uh, I just... I came by

because I'm trying to
track down Ron Howard.

Uh, do you, by chance, know where he is?

Of course, I know where that fucker is.

- Wait, you do?
- Oh yes, Mabel.

You're nobody in this town
if you ain't keeping track of...

Ron Howard.

He's actually in New York
right now shooting a movie.

No one knows what it's about
or who's in it,

but I did hear that
it's very autobiographical

and very personal and very small,

and the budget is $200 million.

Uh...

Can I ask you a question?

When you talk, do you say "bro"?

Bro? No, I hang out with 70-year-olds.

Right. That's what I thought.

These pages are a big fat suck-fest.

You know what? I have an idea.

What if I give you Ron Howard's address,

and you do something for me,

and that would be taking
a pass on these scenes,

but you have to make sure it sounds like
the real Mabel. What do you think?

If, uh, if this lead pans out,

maybe, uh,
I can help you when I come back.

Yes! Here you go.

Thank you.

- Uh, goodbye.
- Bye.

Everyone, we need all
Escape From Planet Klongo NDAs

signed before entering.

Oh.

Okay, okay, let me take the lead.

If I drop my name,

Ron Howard will swing
that velvet rope wide open.

I think I should.
Security guards love Brazzos.

I'm kinda their Princess Diana.

I think I should,
mostly because I'm neither of you.

Hold up. You got badges?

Oh yeah, I got a badge. Huh?

From Brazzos? TV show?
Your dad probably watched?

- Emmy nomination for sound?
- Um,

sorry, we just, we need to talk

to Mr. Howard about an investigation.

We're professional podcasters.

Only Murders in the Building.

We're the most listened to murder podcast

on the Upper West Side
that's sponsored by a deli chain.

Yeah, you're not gettin' in here.

W-Well, I-if you could just tell Ron-Ron
that Ollie Putnam is here.

No, no. Tell him "off-menu soup."

Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Ah! Ah! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

- He'll know who that means.
- Look.

I'ma be real with you.
I don't really watch TV,

and congrats on the podcast.

I mean, that's, that's huge,
and it's so amazing

that you have an inside joke
with Ron Howard,

but if I let you in,

then I'll lose my job,
and then I won't have enough money

to go to Disneyland with my cousins,

and we've been planning
this trip for years.

So, just in case my boss is listening,

get outta here!

Okay.

Ugh, that was a very charming rejection.

Background actors?

Yes?

You were supposed to arrive
10 minutes ago. Move it!

Oh! Time.

Background.

Have fun with your cousins.

- Get your badge.
- Yes.

Thank you.

I'm not gonna have to do
any acting, right?

Are you nervous?
You know your hobby is chasing murderers?

Oh yeah, that's somehow less scary.

Well, good news.
As soon as we step on set,

Ron-Ron will recognize me,
and we'll get pulled away.

And don't worry. Background actors
don't really have to do much.

You just be natural.

You know, I hadn't thought of it before,

but I guess it's time for me
to change my emergency contact to Loretta.

A whole new life.

- Gives me chills.
- Okay, listen up!

I need everyone to line up
and deliver your best terrified reaction.

Best 10 stay, the rest go home.

You said background actors
don't have to do much.

Well, honey, they do now, so buckle up.

Okay, let's go, guys.
Alright, line up over here.

I don't know whether to go big,
do I go small,

or communicate the unspeakable horror
using only my teeth?

- Not that.
- You first.

- You're in.
- Oh.

- What do I do?
- I think big. I think we go big.

I was hoping for big.

- You're out.
- Damn.

Final answer, small.
We're going small.

Small is sophisticated.
Small is for the silver screen.

- Really keeping us on our toes here.
- You.

- Thought we said small.
- That was my small.

- You're in.
- Oh, thank you.

Oh, my God, Brazzos?

Ah. So nice to meet a fan.

I'm sure Ron'll want to say hello.

You're doing background now?

That's so sad. You can be in the movie.

You're still in the game. You're in.

- This way.
- No! I don't think I can do this.

You.

Wow, great. You're in.

Head on over to wardrobe and makeup.

Are...

Are ye an angel?

Oh. Relax.

You're in the hospital.

- You've been shot in the head.
- Nay.

The heart.

Ya had some friends come here earlier,

a couple o' married old men
and their caretaker.

They wanted to ask you about
the stunt guy on Project Ronkonkoma?

Yes. Right.
No, I-I need to talk to 'em right away.

- I'll let them know you're up.
- Right away.

Oh, also, um...

would ya do me the honor of bein'

Mrs. Glen Stubbins?

Also, I'm Glen Stubbins.

Oh. Yeah, I'll get your doctor.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Can I-I get a room without the rats?

Alright.

Don't forget to take a deep breath
before they light you up.

Last thing you wanna do is
inhale flames into your lungs.

And when the director yells "cut,"
you stop, drop,

and let 'em hose you down.
And then, you take a good 30 seconds

before you do anything else
in case you re-spark.

You ready?

Yeah, of course, you are.

Now, go make my papa proud.

Doing this for Sazz, doing this for Sazz.

How is Ron-Ron going to recognize me now?

That night in the Chinese restaurant,
my aesthetic was distinctively not

life-size Sour Patch Kid.

And why do we have to wear spandex,
and Mabel only gets makeup?

Well, because you guys are a bunch of...

"Klongos," and I'm just a girl.

Right, Klongos. I mean,
I'm sorry, but what is this movie?

Are we witnessing the end
of Ron Howard's career?

No, no, no.
What I learned about Ron over soup

is you've gotta just trust him.
I told him, I said,

"Ron-Ron, you're the beautiful mind."

And he loved that, and he just
plunked down the credit card

and paid for the whole soup.

Oh, my God, guys.

I have to get out of here
and get to the hospital.

Glen Stubbins is awake.

Also, I'm gonna see if they can remove

the part of my brain that stores
the image of you in spandex.

Well...

Oh, yeah...

Oh, by the way, I've been thinking
about your bachelor party,

and I think I got a winner.

Finally. Yes, let's hear it.

I hope the spandex
and the balls inspired you.

Okay, remember that
hot dog restaurant we went to?

- Yeah.
- And, uh, there was a phone booth outside,

but it wasn't really a phone booth,
it was a door to a speakeasy?

I was thinking we could
do something like that.

Get some dogs with my dawg!

I feel like I've taken crazy pills.

Do we remember W-A-N-S?!

Whiskey, A-listers,

- naughty secret? Oh, you do remember?
- Naughty secret. Yeah.

'Cause I thought your plan lacked
my simple parameters due to forgetfulness.

But instead, the culprit
is willful negligence!

Alright. Just forget it!

- And you're not wearing this either!
- Ah!

Background, you're up on set.

Ah, you're back, sweetheart.

What? It's you?

What are...

What you... No.

No, no. No, don't! No!

Don't! Stop, no!

Alright, everybody in?

Let's go!

Places!

Ron-Ron? Are you there?

It's me!

Hey, you're not talking to Ron.

Listen up, everybody. On my cue,

you're gonna look up at the monster,

you're gonna look scared,

and you're gonna run off that way. Yeah?

Great.

I know our bold acting choice.
Follow my lead.

Background!

And... action!

Run! Run, fellow Klongos!

I shall buy you time!

Don't let my death be in vain!

- Monster, no!
- What the hell's with him?

No... Charles, a little effort, please!

Or is this gonna be
my bachelor party all over again?

Oh?

Your bachelor party?
Oh, you're right, yes. I should pitch in.

How about a...

a sunset cigar cruise
up the Gowanus Canal?

Or maybe a dining and spa experience,

where we get fish pedicures,
and afterwards,

we eat the fish omakase-style?!
Oh, wait!

Ice luges poured by
professional ice lugers.

Is this getting good enough for you?

Oh wait. Oh, maybe, a members-only
aerialist strip club!

And an elephant!
But, not just any elephant!

An A-list elephant.

Babar, Dumbo, or maybe the viral one

who sat on the zookeeper's head.
Because it really doesn't matter

because no one is gonna show up!

Because you!

Are insufferable.

And... cut?

Who hired the idiots?

Get 'em out and get
a picture for my ban list.

The director has asked that you go home.

Now.

Sorry, Brazzos.

Now, if you'd line up,
Ron Howard would like to say hi

and thank each of you for your work today
before we start rolling.

Where is he?

I'm so sorry.

- He's dead. My Glen.
- W...

- What happened?
- I don't know!

He seemed fine. He was making me laugh.

I called his people to let them know
he was awake, did my rounds,

and when I returned, he...

Breaking news.
Nicky "The Neck" Caccimelio,

the Dry Cleaning King of Brooklyn,
has been reported missing.

Though he has ties to
the Caputo crime family,

officials say they do not
suspect foul play at this time.

Uh, who else did you call
and tell that Glen was awake?

Just you and his emergency contact.

- Sazz Pataki.
- You called Sazz?

Did a man answer?

- Did I do somethin' wrong?
- Uh...

- Rolling.
- And action!

Get out here, you rat!

On the ground!

This is for Don Antonio.

Good, good.

Okay, cut! Fire out!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Clear!

Told you. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

I told you. I told you we'd do it in one!

Geez whiz!

Oh! Oh no!

Go ahead and strike that!

- You need a hand?
- No, no.

- I don't need your help.
- 'Cause I can if...

Oh no, no, I've already asked too much.

I don't wanna be "insufferable."

You're my emergency contact.

What?

Well, when I fill out forms,
I put your name.

And I know you used to put mine,
but now it's Loretta's.

You know,

I always knew Mabel would one day
spread her wings and leave, but...

you and me, I thought we'd,
you know, grow old... er,

and die together.
Uh...

And don't get me wrong,

I like Loretta. I really like Loretta.

But now, I'm kinda the awkward guy,

third-wheeling it on your dates.

You know, saying,
"Hey, let's split a dessert three ways."

You know,

I never wanted, really,
to throw you a bachelor party.

I just wanted to celebrate our friendship.

Y-You know, I'm hungry,
if you wanted to grab a bite to eat.

- We could go to that Chinese place.
- Yeah.

- Can you give me a hand? Yeah.
- Yeah, I can do that.

You know we're gonna be
friends till the end.

Oh God.

I'm fine.
You don't have to say anything nice to me.

Especially not while making eye contact.

What if we went behind our menus?

That-That-That c...
That could work, yeah.

I didn't have a bachelor party

first time I got married,

and I didn't have a best man.

And it's okay if I don't have
a bachelor party this time, too.

But I do want you to be my best man.

Hmm.

Noodles look good.

And if it would make you feel better,

you can be my Life Alert contact
in case I fall.

And we can get colonoscopies together.

Yeah, yeah. Uh,

maybe the dumplings?

Can I get you something to drink?

- Oh, uh, two Johnnie Walkers.
- Of course.

Where are you going?

W-A-N-S.

- W-A-N-S?
- Here you are.

Ah, the whiskey.

And...

our naughty secret.

Very good.

I know this is...

not the bachelor party
you dreamed of, but...

still...

Charles, it's perfect.

Although, we are missing the A-lister.
Just saying...

You?

Oh.
Okay, Charles. Uh...

let me hide behind my menu

until the awkwardness
of this moment clears.

Hi. I don't have a reservation,
but, uh, you know, table for one.

You gotta be kidding me.

What?

The A-lister! You did it!

Oh, my God!

It's you! Ollie!

- It's Ron-Ron!
- Ron-Ron!

I loved it in Mayberry
when you'd go down by the fishin' hole!

Don't ever mention the fishin' hole.

- Okay, let it go. Come on. Shake it off.
- Don't.

Oh, Mabel, thank God!

Bev said you agreed to
help with the new pages.

Fuck. Look, Marshall,
I'm not in the mood for this right now.

Please, I-it'll be quick.
D-Do you think Mabel would say,

"The name's Mora, Mabel Mora."

Or, "I'm Mabel Fucking Mora!"

I'm thinking number two.

- I wouldn't say either one of those.
- Oh God.

It-It's-It's awful. I-I'm awful.

Please. Bev is threatening to fire me
if I don't get these right.

I-I'll do anything. I-I'm stuck. I just...

I can't capture your voice.

Yeah, well, I don't think
my voice needs to be captured.

Another person is dead,

and had I solved the case

or figured out the stuntman angle sooner,

he'd still be alive.
But, he's not.

Wow. That...

is some Mabel dialogue.

D-Do you mind if I just... I'm gonna...

So then, Hanks leans over to me,

and he says,

"I don't actually like ranch dressing."

Oh! That's good.

Hey, uh, Ron.
Uh, speaking of funny stories,

we heard there was quite the snafu
on Project Ronkonkoma.

Gonna need another whiskey for that one.

We never even finished it.
I remember everything about it though.

You know,

it's always tense on the sets,

days when there's gonna be a big stunt,

and doubly so when fire is involved.

Set and action!

But, everything went smooth.

The van screeched to a halt.

A stuntman was thrown out onto the ground,

doused with gasoline, lit on fire.
It was exactly right.

Bitchin'!

So, I yelled "cut."

Okay, cut! Fire out!

They put the guy out.

Okay, uh, let's go to the Steadicam.

Except the guy didn't wait
to make sure he was completely out.

Next thing I know, he's walking toward me.

Hey, great job.

Saying he had something
he wanted to show me.

And-and suddenly, he reignites!

Oh! Ah!

Geez whiz!

Burned my eyebrows off!

Okay, I know that I say fuck a lot,

but not that fucking much.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I should have more faith in myself.

I mean, it worked for you.

- You want a beer?
- Hit me.

- You finally got one of your scripts made.
- That's right. I did.

What is...?

- Ron, Ron, Ron-Ron...
- Ron-Ron.

Uh, we need to find that stuntman.

Well, if you do,
get my shoes back for me, will ya?

He stole 'em right outta my trailer.

I had to buy another pair.
I can't work without these.

They've got extra cushioning in the heels.

- Same as on the radiator.
- That's our guy.

D-Do you remember his name?

Oh, I'll never forget him.

Rex Bailey.

I have a photo of him, if that helps.

I always keep, uh, pictures of people
I ban from my sets.

Uh...

Oh, okay, here he is.

Huh?

That kinda looks like...

Yeah, but imagine with a beard.

And add some glasses.

And a dark bowl cut!

Oh, my God.

Whoa!

That was some flip!

You ever stunted before?

I'm trying to be a writer,

but I wouldn't say no to getting on set.

Your first professional fire stunt.
Ah! Ready?

Fire out!

Okay, let's go to the Steadicam,
and I know I said...

Mr. Howard? Mr. Howard!

Hey, great job.

Would you read my screenplay?

Ah, when'd you grow the beard, lassie?

What? It's you?

What are...

- Marshall?
- Hm?

Why does this script say
it was written by Sazz Pataki?