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1
00:00:04,176 --> 00:00:07,662
TGIF. FML. NGL. LOL.
2
00:00:07,662 --> 00:00:10,803
Now I am a woman
of the workforce,
I crave the weekends.
3
00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:12,805
It's just a chance to relax
4
00:00:12,805 --> 00:00:16,706
away from Cannon Capital's
meetings and memorandums
and electronic mails.
5
00:00:16,706 --> 00:00:18,018
What is all this shit?
6
00:00:18,708 --> 00:00:20,468
Laszlo!
7
00:00:20,468 --> 00:00:23,368
My darling.
Do both these eyes
look hazel to you?
8
00:00:23,368 --> 00:00:25,680
I think it's important
my monster has a matching set.
9
00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:27,510
You have turned our home
10
00:00:27,510 --> 00:00:29,719
into Jack the Ripper's
recycle bin.
11
00:00:29,719 --> 00:00:32,963
I thought you had finished
creating your freaky monster
sex doll man.
12
00:00:32,963 --> 00:00:35,725
My darling, if I am to maintain
my freaky sex doll monster man,
13
00:00:35,725 --> 00:00:37,623
as you inaccurately call him,
14
00:00:37,623 --> 00:00:40,212
it's important
I have an adequate supply
of spare body parts.
15
00:00:40,212 --> 00:00:42,145
But what are these?
16
00:00:42,145 --> 00:00:43,767
Uh, they're hearts.
They're livers.
17
00:00:43,767 --> 00:00:45,700
They're spleens.
They're kidneys.
18
00:00:45,700 --> 00:00:47,875
That's a cat's arsehole.
I've no idea what that is.
19
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:49,670
Whatever. Just get them gone.
20
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,603
Mmm. All right.
- Come on, chop-chop.
21
00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:54,054
There's no room in this house
for all the things I need
to get done.
22
00:00:55,296 --> 00:00:56,884
It's fine.
I'll pick those up later.
23
00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:02,717
♪ Don't sing
if you want to live long ♪
24
00:01:02,717 --> 00:01:05,065
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
25
00:01:05,893 --> 00:01:08,689
♪ You're dead, you're dead
You're dead ♪
26
00:01:08,689 --> 00:01:11,381
♪ You're dead
And out of this world ♪
27
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,040
♪ Now your hope
And compassion is gone ♪
28
00:01:15,592 --> 00:01:18,250
♪ You've sold out your dream
To the world ♪
29
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,701
♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead ♪
30
00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:22,979
♪ You're dead
And out of this world ♪
31
00:01:32,678 --> 00:01:35,267
I have had enough.
32
00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,442
There are too many
useless ball sacks
33
00:01:37,442 --> 00:01:40,065
lying around the house
with you and Nandor.
34
00:01:40,065 --> 00:01:42,240
We cannot deal
with all this extra shit.
35
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,897
My darling,
I have everything under control.
36
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,313
Oh, do you?
Absolutely.
37
00:01:46,313 --> 00:01:48,246
- Then what are those?
- Feet.
38
00:01:48,246 --> 00:01:52,284
Perhaps Laszlo was trying
to tell you the game is afoot.
39
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,323
Shut up, Guillermo.
40
00:01:56,323 --> 00:01:58,325
Nandor, does it not concern you
41
00:01:58,325 --> 00:02:00,361
that you are sat
on top of a bag of noses?
42
00:02:00,361 --> 00:02:01,604
I
43
00:02:01,604 --> 00:02:04,400
I thought it was a cushion.
44
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,782
I fell in the bloody pile
of torsos again.
45
00:02:07,782 --> 00:02:09,853
Oh, no! No, no, no!
Ugh. Pick me up.
46
00:02:09,853 --> 00:02:12,304
Laszlo! I mean it!
Oh, get it off me.
47
00:02:13,340 --> 00:02:15,549
Just find a place
to store all of this human crap.
48
00:02:15,549 --> 00:02:16,791
All right, my darling.
49
00:02:16,791 --> 00:02:18,414
But where do you suggest?
50
00:02:18,414 --> 00:02:21,210
The small space under the stairs
where Guillermo used to live.
51
00:02:21,210 --> 00:02:23,729
We never figured out
what to do with it
since he moved into the shed.
52
00:02:23,729 --> 00:02:27,457
Actually, that space
has already been occupied.
53
00:02:27,457 --> 00:02:31,081
What the shit gives you
the right to take over
that space, Nandor?
54
00:02:31,081 --> 00:02:35,948
Guillermo was my familiar.
And B: I have already done it.
55
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,640
And so it begins.
56
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,989
First, Nandor unilaterally gives
my garden shed to Gizmo.
57
00:02:41,989 --> 00:02:45,958
A shed I lovingly converted
into a temple of self-worship
58
00:02:45,958 --> 00:02:47,960
or some might call it
a "Jack Shack."
59
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,617
No. This has to end now.
60
00:02:49,617 --> 00:02:52,379
Otherwise, Nandor will
take over the house entirely.
61
00:02:52,379 --> 00:02:55,968
A slope slippier
than a whore's saddle. Mmm.
62
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,970
If you had wanted
the space under the stairs,
63
00:02:57,970 --> 00:02:59,972
you would have taken
the space under the stairs.
64
00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:02,043
Yeah, well, I do want the space
under the stairs.
65
00:03:02,043 --> 00:03:05,288
And I intend to take the space
under the stairs. For all my
66
00:03:06,358 --> 00:03:08,809
To keep the body parts
in order.
67
00:03:08,809 --> 00:03:09,982
Yes.
68
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,019
Hey.
Sorry, don't mean to interrupt.
69
00:03:12,019 --> 00:03:13,641
I just want to let you know
70
00:03:13,641 --> 00:03:15,195
that you guys
are out of hot water.
71
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,266
Hold your horses, Noeël Coward.
72
00:03:17,266 --> 00:03:18,784
You can tell your ex-boss
73
00:03:18,784 --> 00:03:20,717
that this house
is not a dictatorship.
74
00:03:20,717 --> 00:03:22,236
Yes.
- No, I don't wanna get involved.
75
00:03:22,236 --> 00:03:23,617
You guys figure it out, okay?
76
00:03:23,617 --> 00:03:25,619
And how do you propose
we do that?
77
00:03:25,619 --> 00:03:27,379
I don't know. Take a vote.
78
00:03:27,379 --> 00:03:28,863
Good idea, Guillermo.
79
00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:31,072
Hey, everyone,
let's have a vote.
80
00:03:31,072 --> 00:03:32,695
Okay, I'm gonna go.
81
00:03:32,695 --> 00:03:34,386
Nandor, that is a great idea.
82
00:03:34,386 --> 00:03:35,870
- Uh
- Let's take a vote.
83
00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:38,873
All those in favor
of giving Laszlo dominion
84
00:03:38,873 --> 00:03:40,910
over Guillermo's old space
under the stairs
85
00:03:40,910 --> 00:03:43,568
to use as a storage facility
for his bodily parts.
86
00:03:43,568 --> 00:03:45,190
Yes, and all my sex stuff.
87
00:03:45,190 --> 00:03:46,260
And maybe some wanking.
88
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,537
Okay, raise hand.
89
00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:50,713
And all those in favor
90
00:03:50,713 --> 00:03:53,681
of it remaining
the sovereign territory
of Nandor
91
00:03:53,681 --> 00:03:55,614
for his exclusive use
as a home gymnasium,
92
00:03:55,614 --> 00:03:57,340
which only Nandor can use,
93
00:03:57,340 --> 00:03:58,652
raise your hands.
94
00:03:58,652 --> 00:03:59,584
- No.
- It is settled.
95
00:03:59,584 --> 00:04:01,275
Two to one. Ha!
96
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,001
Bad luck, Blackadder.
97
00:04:03,001 --> 00:04:04,278
I demand a recount.
98
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,935
Sorry, the people have spoken.
99
00:04:05,935 --> 00:04:07,730
Don't tarnish your legacy,
Nandor.
100
00:04:07,730 --> 00:04:11,285
Hear me out. Nadja.
A gym only I can use,
101
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,424
- hmm?
- Fuck off.
102
00:04:12,424 --> 00:04:15,082
Laszlo, still thinking about it?
103
00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:16,428
No, not even a little.
104
00:04:16,428 --> 00:04:18,223
Yes, don't be a little bitch,
Nandor.
105
00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:20,536
What can I say? I lost.
106
00:04:20,536 --> 00:04:23,263
Another time, I would
just seize the territory,
107
00:04:24,781 --> 00:04:27,888
but I grow weary of the fight.
108
00:04:27,888 --> 00:04:32,755
Perhaps it is time
for this old cowboy
to just hang up his spurs
109
00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:35,275
and go fuck himself
right up the pooper.
110
00:04:36,655 --> 00:04:38,657
Okay, fine.
111
00:04:38,657 --> 00:04:42,247
I shall clear out my StairMaster
and booty bands by tomorrow.
112
00:04:42,247 --> 00:04:43,904
Good.
And also, give Laszlo his
113
00:04:43,904 --> 00:04:46,424
This is not good.
Not good at all.
114
00:04:47,010 --> 00:04:50,497
So I regularly use
our network of vents
115
00:04:50,497 --> 00:04:53,120
to gather intel on my housemates
116
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,191
and I've recently uncovered
a troubling development.
117
00:04:57,883 --> 00:04:59,678
Well, it's finally happening.
118
00:05:00,576 --> 00:05:02,992
I'm being
forced out of the house.
119
00:05:03,579 --> 00:05:07,307
Over the years,
I've kept extensive records
120
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,310
detailing the power rankings
within the house.
121
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,760
Who's hot, who's not.
Who's chic, who's weak.
122
00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:16,108
Who's fly, who's shy.
Who's ballin', who's stallin'.
123
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:20,078
Up here, you have Nandor,
then Nadja, then Laszlo.
124
00:05:20,078 --> 00:05:23,323
And down here, Guillermo,
until recently.
125
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,153
And over here, is your baby boy,
126
00:05:26,153 --> 00:05:30,295
Colin Robinson,
who is going down.
127
00:05:30,295 --> 00:05:33,505
I've been able
to hold on to my place
in the house
128
00:05:33,505 --> 00:05:36,163
due to a delicate dance.
129
00:05:36,163 --> 00:05:39,580
Not unlike Henry Kissinger's
triangular diplomacy.
130
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:42,825
Nadja and Laszlo represent
one stalwart alliance.
131
00:05:42,825 --> 00:05:45,793
Nandor and Guillermo the other.
132
00:05:45,793 --> 00:05:49,763
My lone wolf status afforded me
a position of power.
133
00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:51,489
A tiebreaker.
134
00:05:51,489 --> 00:05:55,665
The Harold Prince
to their Stephen Sondheim
and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
135
00:05:55,665 --> 00:05:59,151
But the power dynamics
have now shifted.
136
00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:03,224
Now that Guillermo
has left the house,
Nandor is a broken man.
137
00:06:03,224 --> 00:06:05,744
And I fear
it's just a matter of time
before he goes over
138
00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:08,402
to the Nadja/Laszlo alliance
for good
139
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,198
and they decide to kill me
and quarter my body
140
00:06:11,198 --> 00:06:14,443
to share as sick souvenirs
amongst themselves.
141
00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:17,929
Or worse,
I have to go apartment hunting.
142
00:06:20,207 --> 00:06:22,278
Come on. You know you want to.
143
00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:25,419
I'm not moving back
into the house.
Fine.
144
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:28,146
- But will you at least talk
to Nandor?
- I don't think me talking to him
145
00:06:28,146 --> 00:06:30,113
is gonna make a difference.
He's not gonna listen
to me either.
146
00:06:30,113 --> 00:06:32,253
- Well, you didn't let me finish.
- Sorry.
147
00:06:32,253 --> 00:06:35,636
Uh, what I was saying
before you cut me off
and didn't let me finish was,
148
00:06:35,636 --> 00:06:37,983
- maybe if you were
to talk to Nandor
- Mm-hmm.
149
00:06:37,983 --> 00:06:40,641
I could walk by or something
and he'd see me
150
00:06:40,641 --> 00:06:42,816
and he'd be like,
"Oh, there's Colin Robinson.
151
00:06:42,816 --> 00:06:45,474
I should really form an alliance
with him."
152
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:47,234
You know, to get out
of having to talk to you.
153
00:06:47,234 --> 00:06:48,615
Okay. Good night.
154
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:50,064
I appreciate you
155
00:06:50,064 --> 00:06:52,377
playing my favorite song
to cut the tension,
156
00:06:52,377 --> 00:06:54,310
but I don't think
it's gonna help me
solve this problem.
157
00:06:54,310 --> 00:06:55,691
Doesn't hurt though.
158
00:07:00,661 --> 00:07:02,698
Oh, my God! Talk to Nandor,
don't talk to Nandor.
159
00:07:02,698 --> 00:07:04,700
I don't care, all right?
Just leave me out of it.
160
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,909
- Hypnotize him for all I care.
- Oh. That's ridiculous.
161
00:07:06,909 --> 00:07:10,222
Everyone knows
you can't hypnotize a vampire.
They always have their guard up.
162
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:12,432
Well, then hypnotize him
when he's asleep.
Like I'm trying to be.
163
00:07:14,123 --> 00:07:17,782
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
164
00:07:17,782 --> 00:07:19,611
Can you do that
somewhere else, please?
165
00:07:19,611 --> 00:07:21,337
Well, I-I-I like
the ambient noise.
166
00:07:22,338 --> 00:07:24,616
Oh. Let's take it again.
Uh, three, two
167
00:07:24,616 --> 00:07:27,826
Sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
168
00:07:27,826 --> 00:07:29,690
I have to find out.
Colin.
169
00:07:45,913 --> 00:07:50,159
Nandor. Nan-Man. Dipshit.
170
00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:56,959
What's up?
171
00:07:56,959 --> 00:08:00,583
Hear me now
and believe me later.
172
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:03,413
You are a fierce warrior.
173
00:08:03,413 --> 00:08:06,693
I am a fierce warrior.
174
00:08:06,693 --> 00:08:09,661
You must stand your ground.
175
00:08:09,661 --> 00:08:12,561
Stand my ground.
176
00:08:12,561 --> 00:08:16,944
Your only ally
is Colin Robinson.
177
00:08:18,014 --> 00:08:20,051
Are you sure?
178
00:08:21,397 --> 00:08:23,537
Yes, you love Colin Robinson.
179
00:08:23,537 --> 00:08:26,713
That sounds wrong, but okay.
180
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,887
All right.
181
00:08:35,066 --> 00:08:37,931
Laszlo, is that chair
totally necessary?
182
00:08:37,931 --> 00:08:39,795
It's taking up a lot of room.
183
00:08:39,795 --> 00:08:43,039
Well, how else
can I sit and review
my stored items of science?
184
00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:45,386
Is that a box of pornography
in front of you?
185
00:08:45,386 --> 00:08:47,596
No, anatomical textbooks.
186
00:08:47,596 --> 00:08:51,358
The collective works
of Doctors Flynt and Guccione.
187
00:08:51,358 --> 00:08:55,362
- Hey.
Have either of you seen Nandor?
- Oh. He's probably oversleeping.
188
00:08:55,362 --> 00:08:57,709
Without his home gym room,
he has very little to live for.
189
00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:03,404
Cool, cool, coolio.
I'm just gonna go for a walk.
Just a normal walk.
190
00:09:03,404 --> 00:09:04,992
Okay.
191
00:09:04,992 --> 00:09:06,684
I know what you're
going to do with that chair.
192
00:09:06,684 --> 00:09:09,341
You're going to sit in it
and stroke yourself,
reading your filth.
193
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:10,653
Perhaps I will.
194
00:09:10,653 --> 00:09:12,655
I'm sorry, my darling.
Would you like a hand?
195
00:09:12,655 --> 00:09:15,071
Yes, I'd actually love one.
Well, take your pick.
196
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:16,245
We've got a bunch of them.
197
00:09:20,111 --> 00:09:24,702
Buddy. It's 7:00 p.m.
Time to rise and oh!
198
00:09:31,053 --> 00:09:32,433
Colin Robinson.
199
00:09:38,888 --> 00:09:41,650
Some of them
are just too long
to fit in as one piece.
200
00:09:41,650 --> 00:09:42,892
That's what my gran said.
Ugh.
201
00:09:42,892 --> 00:09:44,618
I am back from my walk.
202
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:46,206
- Who fucking cares?
- Give a fuck.
203
00:09:46,206 --> 00:09:48,795
I saw Nandor out in the hallway.
He'll be in in a sec.
204
00:09:48,795 --> 00:09:50,762
Uh-huh.
205
00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:51,901
What the hell?
206
00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:58,080
What the dick is he saying?
207
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,738
Oh. Hold on.
I have a translation app here.
208
00:10:03,982 --> 00:10:06,675
I have conquered
officially the room
beneath the stairs
209
00:10:06,675 --> 00:10:08,608
- in the name of Al Quolanudar.
- No one's conquered anything.
210
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,609
What the fuck
is he talking about?
211
00:10:10,955 --> 00:10:13,889
And I could not have conquered
the room beneath the stairs
212
00:10:13,889 --> 00:10:16,823
without Colin Robinson,
my primary ally
within this fortress.
213
00:10:19,308 --> 00:10:21,724
We take what we wish,
and defend it unto death.
214
00:10:21,724 --> 00:10:23,277
Oh.
215
00:10:23,277 --> 00:10:25,314
You heard what he said,
ding-dongs.
216
00:10:25,314 --> 00:10:26,453
This is our house now,
and if you don't like it,
217
00:10:26,453 --> 00:10:28,006
you can eat my ass.
218
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,459
Ha ha. Yes, eat my ass.
219
00:10:32,459 --> 00:10:34,047
It is plain to see,
220
00:10:34,047 --> 00:10:36,601
something very strange
is going on with Nandor.
221
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,640
He's being competent
and assertive.
222
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,814
Much different
to the soaking-wet simp
we are used to.
223
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:49,269
I'm not gonna stand around
while these two tits
bugger about.
224
00:10:49,269 --> 00:10:51,858
I do important science in there
three times a day.
225
00:10:51,858 --> 00:10:54,654
Nandor,
get the fuck out of there.
No, thank you.
226
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,518
- You heard the lady. Fuck off.
- Wow.
227
00:10:57,518 --> 00:10:59,900
- Oh, good!
Look who just sashayed in.
-"Shasay" away.
228
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,627
No, no, no. We're facing
a bit of a contretemps.
We need your help.
229
00:11:02,627 --> 00:11:04,249
Why don't you just
all share the room?
230
00:11:04,249 --> 00:11:05,595
My husband needs it
for his body parts!
231
00:11:05,595 --> 00:11:07,149
We had a fucking vote on it,
you idiot.
232
00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:09,461
Quiet.
233
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:12,464
I have a fair
and equitable solution
to propose.
234
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,776
Okay, then.
235
00:11:13,776 --> 00:11:15,364
Come on, Tarzan. We're all ears.
236
00:11:15,364 --> 00:11:16,676
Mmm.
237
00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:20,265
Yeah.
So he set the house on fire.
238
00:11:20,265 --> 00:11:23,613
Turns out
his equitable solution was,
239
00:11:23,613 --> 00:11:26,789
"if I can't have
Guillermo's room,
then no one can have it."
240
00:11:30,137 --> 00:11:31,725
Or something like that.
241
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,832
It's hard to tell
because he also
set my phone on fire.
242
00:11:37,110 --> 00:11:38,870
Boy, did we mess up.
243
00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:41,942
We? No, there's no "we."
This is all you.
244
00:11:41,942 --> 00:11:44,186
Who convinced me
to sleep-hypnotize him? You.
245
00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:45,566
What? I didn't do, oh.
246
00:11:45,566 --> 00:11:48,949
Hey, buddy? No, no. Not safe.
247
00:11:48,949 --> 00:11:50,537
Why don't you
sleep-hypnotize him
248
00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:52,125
to go back to the way
that he was before?
249
00:11:52,125 --> 00:11:54,334
Yeah, I want to,
but my phone melted.
250
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:56,370
Well, then get a new phone.
Oh, my God.
251
00:11:56,370 --> 00:11:58,890
That's not good.
252
00:11:58,890 --> 00:12:00,720
I would get a new phone,
but I kind of wanna wait
253
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,343
until the new one's released
next year.
254
00:12:03,343 --> 00:12:06,587
I mean, there's nothing worse
than updating your devices
in the off-cycle.
255
00:12:06,587 --> 00:12:09,383
Apple seems to be
on an autumn release time frame.
256
00:12:09,383 --> 00:12:11,075
Okay. You know what?
How about this?
257
00:12:11,075 --> 00:12:13,733
We use my translation app.
And then after that, I'm out.
258
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:19,014
Okay. Type in, "You will return
to yourself as you were before."
259
00:12:20,878 --> 00:12:22,327
- Great.
- Okay.
260
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:23,604
That should get him
back to normal.
261
00:12:23,604 --> 00:12:26,193
Time to go
to bed, buddy. Come on.
262
00:12:26,193 --> 00:12:28,989
And after this,
no more sleep hypnosis!
263
00:12:29,956 --> 00:12:30,750
Let's hit the hay, buddy.
264
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:33,373
Sleep hypnosis?
265
00:12:33,373 --> 00:12:35,306
Is such a thing even possible?
266
00:12:42,382 --> 00:12:46,558
When you awake,
you will be much tidier.
267
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:47,628
Tidier.
268
00:12:47,628 --> 00:12:50,217
Neater and cleaner.
269
00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:53,600
You will not be able
to tolerate a single mess.
270
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,809
Neater. Tidier.
271
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,431
Everything in its right place.
272
00:12:57,431 --> 00:12:58,778
I love you, Mommy.
273
00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:01,781
Oh.
274
00:13:13,482 --> 00:13:14,276
Whoa.
275
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,107
Very good, my love.
276
00:13:18,107 --> 00:13:20,730
Oh, Marmaduke.
You are something else.
277
00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:24,251
You know,
they don't live as long,
the-the bigger dogs.
278
00:13:25,321 --> 00:13:27,979
Oh.
- Hey, man. I was reading that.
279
00:13:27,979 --> 00:13:30,050
Well. Not now, you're not.
I'll have to iron it now.
280
00:13:30,050 --> 00:13:32,673
What is your major malfunction?
281
00:13:32,673 --> 00:13:34,848
FMJ, 1987.
282
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,608
- Bloody savage.
- Sheesh.
283
00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:39,266
We shall never be belligerent.
284
00:13:39,266 --> 00:13:42,511
But we shall be as firm
in defending our system
285
00:13:42,511 --> 00:13:45,479
as they are in expanding theirs.
286
00:13:45,479 --> 00:13:48,241
I think we can all agree
that is very well-spoken.
287
00:13:48,241 --> 00:13:50,657
That sounds
kind of like a threat to me.
288
00:13:50,657 --> 00:13:53,971
This is not a threat,
this is a statement of policy.
289
00:13:53,971 --> 00:13:55,524
But we are done arguing
290
00:13:55,524 --> 00:13:58,009
over the shitty little room
under the stairs, correct?
291
00:13:58,009 --> 00:13:59,528
I have never been a quitter.
292
00:13:59,528 --> 00:14:01,116
"But as president,
293
00:14:01,116 --> 00:14:04,015
I must put the interests
of America first."
294
00:14:04,015 --> 00:14:05,741
What the fuck
is he talking about?
295
00:14:05,741 --> 00:14:08,468
"Nobody will ever write a book,
296
00:14:08,468 --> 00:14:12,127
probably about my mother."
297
00:14:12,127 --> 00:14:16,683
So, yes,
I sleep-hypnotized Nandor
again last night.
298
00:14:16,683 --> 00:14:18,271
Just to get him back to normal.
299
00:14:18,271 --> 00:14:20,480
I will return to myself
300
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:22,516
And while
I was messing around in there,
301
00:14:22,516 --> 00:14:25,416
I thought,
why not improve on the original?
302
00:14:25,416 --> 00:14:28,695
- Basically, just like this guy.
- This guy.
303
00:14:28,695 --> 00:14:32,941
Charismatic.
A student of Realpolitik.
304
00:14:32,941 --> 00:14:35,495
Nobody will ever write a book,
probably about my mother.
305
00:14:35,495 --> 00:14:38,912
But, yeah, I think I may have
sleep-hypnotized Nandor
306
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,880
into Richard Nixon.
307
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,160
For 16 years,
since the Hiss case,
you've had a lot of fun.
308
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:48,542
A lot of fun. You've had
an opportunity to attack me.
309
00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:51,683
And I'd like to think I've given
as good as I've taken.
310
00:14:51,683 --> 00:14:53,754
- Colin Robinson.
- Hmm?
311
00:14:53,754 --> 00:14:56,033
Have you done something
to Nandor's brain somehow?
312
00:14:56,033 --> 00:14:58,380
No. No, I don't think I did.
313
00:14:59,829 --> 00:15:01,693
Hmm.
- Nandor, listen to me.
314
00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:04,144
Has Colin Robinson
done something to your head?
315
00:15:08,424 --> 00:15:11,669
People have got to know
whether their president
is a crook.
316
00:15:11,669 --> 00:15:13,809
Well, I'm not a crook.
317
00:15:18,745 --> 00:15:21,265
No, no, don't come in.
318
00:15:22,128 --> 00:15:23,439
Whatever it is, I don't care.
319
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,964
Are you okay?
320
00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:32,862
Do you wanna talk about it?
Come on.
321
00:15:34,588 --> 00:15:35,589
Okay. What is it?
322
00:15:37,108 --> 00:15:40,180
-"You know what it was."
- What?
323
00:15:40,180 --> 00:15:42,596
"It was a little
Cocker Spaniel dog
324
00:15:42,596 --> 00:15:45,945
in a crate he sent
all the way from Texas.
325
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,463
Black and white, spotted.
326
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:50,708
And our little one, Trisha,
the six-year-old.
327
00:15:50,708 --> 00:15:53,435
She named it Checkers."
328
00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:55,989
Wait, isn't this,
like, a Richard Nixon speech?
329
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:59,751
"Our kids, they love that dog,
and I just want to say this.
330
00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:04,756
Right now, regardless
of what they say about it,
we're gonna keep it."
331
00:16:04,756 --> 00:16:07,759
Did Colin Robinson
sleep-hypnotize you
332
00:16:07,759 --> 00:16:10,210
so you're only able to speak
like Richard Nixon?
333
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:13,144
I will not put the blame
on subordinates.
334
00:16:13,144 --> 00:16:14,490
I'll take that as a yes.
335
00:16:14,490 --> 00:16:16,458
Would you like me
to help undo it?
336
00:16:18,425 --> 00:16:19,979
Sock it to me.
337
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:24,052
And you'll go back
to the Nandor from before.
338
00:16:24,052 --> 00:16:26,847
Just a regular vampire.
339
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,642
What is this?
340
00:16:28,642 --> 00:16:31,542
Sleep hypnosis?
Is such a thing even possible.
341
00:16:32,439 --> 00:16:33,302
Your camera's filthy.
342
00:16:39,101 --> 00:16:41,724
Packages.
I hope it's my electric kettle.
343
00:16:42,725 --> 00:16:44,589
No. Here we go.
344
00:16:45,487 --> 00:16:48,421
No. It's, uh, all addressed
to Laszlo Cravensworth.
345
00:16:48,421 --> 00:16:49,698
It's weird.
346
00:16:49,698 --> 00:16:51,044
I wonder how he even figured out
how to use Prime.
347
00:16:53,460 --> 00:16:55,048
What, uh
348
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:56,291
Ah.
349
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:58,293
What's going on here?
350
00:16:58,293 --> 00:17:01,986
My parcels from the Amazon.
Thank you for ordering,
Colin Robinson.
351
00:17:01,986 --> 00:17:04,195
Lord Laszlo's wish
is my command.
352
00:17:04,195 --> 00:17:06,680
All hail Lord Laszlo.
353
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,372
Solvents and sponges
for everyone.
354
00:17:09,338 --> 00:17:11,133
May I just say
you look fabulous, Baron.
355
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:12,203
Flatterer.
356
00:17:13,411 --> 00:17:15,310
You know, but it turns out
that these little scallywags
357
00:17:15,310 --> 00:17:17,657
do more than just
keep me young in spirit.
358
00:17:17,657 --> 00:17:20,349
They also secrete
a wonderful healing cream.
359
00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,938
Look, I'm almost back to normal.
360
00:17:22,938 --> 00:17:26,666
The Sire extracts milk from them
every evening.
361
00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:30,911
So, anyhoo, sleep hypnosis.
Is such a thing even possible?
362
00:17:30,911 --> 00:17:32,051
Apparently, yes.
363
00:17:32,775 --> 00:17:36,158
I kid you. Everybody knows
about sleep hypnosis.
364
00:17:36,158 --> 00:17:38,712
Do you think
you could hypnotize them back?
365
00:17:38,712 --> 00:17:42,061
Can I, the supreme
all-powerful vampire,
hypnotize them?
366
00:17:43,234 --> 00:17:45,202
- Obviously.
- Okay.
367
00:17:45,202 --> 00:17:47,514
Why don't you hand me
your very smart telephone
368
00:17:47,514 --> 00:17:49,999
and I can record my hypnosis.
You can play it for them later.
369
00:17:49,999 --> 00:17:55,522
But do not listen
lest you become
hypnotized yourself.
370
00:17:55,522 --> 00:17:58,870
How about noise canceling?
371
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,872
Ah. Now I'll do the recording,
if you put on
your ear buddy phones.
372
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:01,942
Okay.
373
00:18:05,049 --> 00:18:10,192
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
374
00:18:10,192 --> 00:18:12,884
Let me listen to that back.
I always sound so nasally
in these things.
375
00:18:12,884 --> 00:18:15,197
Okay.
376
00:18:15,197 --> 00:18:19,408
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
377
00:18:19,408 --> 00:18:21,548
- You like it? Yeah, okay. Great.
- Yeah.
378
00:18:21,548 --> 00:18:23,171
Okay.
So now I will do the recording.
379
00:18:23,171 --> 00:18:24,758
Oh. Okay.
380
00:18:25,587 --> 00:18:28,210
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
381
00:18:28,210 --> 00:18:30,764
and everything ye have known.
382
00:18:30,764 --> 00:18:32,559
Okay.
Let me listen to that back.
383
00:18:32,559 --> 00:18:33,733
I always sound so nasally
in these things.
384
00:18:33,733 --> 00:18:36,080
Uh-huh.
385
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:41,154
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
386
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,570
- Great.
I'll just take the phone back.
- Not-Not so fast.
387
00:18:43,570 --> 00:18:45,158
I still need
to do the recording.
388
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,126
Oh. I see what's going on here.
389
00:18:49,024 --> 00:18:50,577
Be quiet.
390
00:18:52,407 --> 00:18:53,442
Come on.
391
00:18:56,411 --> 00:19:00,622
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
392
00:19:00,622 --> 00:19:05,765
Ye shall forget
everything ye know
and everything ye have known.
393
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:14,739
Hmm.
394
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:17,121
- Good. You guys are finally up.
- Up with the lark.
395
00:19:17,121 --> 00:19:20,780
That was the best sleep
I've had in ages.
396
00:19:20,780 --> 00:19:22,437
Indeed, good sir.
397
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:23,645
Nandor the Relentless,
by the way.
398
00:19:23,645 --> 00:19:25,957
I don't believe
I caught your name.
399
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:30,099
Leslie Cravensworth.
You may call me
Mr. Cravensworth.
400
00:19:30,099 --> 00:19:31,963
Mister Cravensworth.
401
00:19:31,963 --> 00:19:34,759
And who's that?
I have no idea.
402
00:19:34,759 --> 00:19:37,003
So, it seems that, uh,
The Baron's hypnosis
403
00:19:37,003 --> 00:19:39,108
not only made them forget
about their hypnoses
404
00:19:39,108 --> 00:19:40,455
Relentless, you say?
405
00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:42,629
- Yes.
- Must be my lucky day.
406
00:19:42,629 --> 00:19:45,184
but it also made them forget
that they had
ever met each other
407
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,633
because, of course it did.
408
00:19:46,633 --> 00:19:49,947
Nadja of Antipaxos.
409
00:19:49,947 --> 00:19:51,500
Mmm.
410
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:54,400
Nice to meet you. Nadja.
- I say. Hello.
411
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:58,783
Hello. I'm Colin Robinson.
Who-Who are you, boners?
412
00:19:58,783 --> 00:20:00,958
I say. Hello.
413
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:04,168
Yeah, I think I'm gonna like
living here just fine.
414
00:20:04,168 --> 00:20:07,240
Apart from the fact
that I'm disoriented,
slightly afraid
415
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,277
and don't know who you are.
416
00:20:09,277 --> 00:20:11,071
Nice little nest
we've got here, huh?
417
00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:13,902
Oh, yes.
Look at this chandelier.
418
00:20:13,902 --> 00:20:15,869
- Surely could hold a sex net.
- Sex net.
419
00:20:17,388 --> 00:20:19,183
Check out
this little space back here.
420
00:20:19,183 --> 00:20:22,186
Oh, yes.
Look at this nice little space.
421
00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:24,153
Perfect for a place to hang out.
422
00:20:24,153 --> 00:20:26,535
Now we're talking.
- I was thinking the same thing.
423
00:20:26,535 --> 00:20:30,090
I mean, it's a bit small.
It would only really be good
for a solo pursuit.
424
00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:35,234
If I may be so bold, I think
I would like to set up shop here
if that is okay.
425
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,097
Sorry.
But no, you may not be so bold
426
00:20:37,097 --> 00:20:40,342
because I myself was hoping
to set up shop just here, so--
427
00:20:40,342 --> 00:20:43,311
Well,
if I might be bolder still.
I'd like to wank there.
428
00:20:43,311 --> 00:20:45,899
See, I was thinking
of just having an area
that I could stand in.
429
00:20:46,659 --> 00:20:47,625
Well.
430
00:20:55,530 --> 00:20:58,049
So who the fuck is gonna get
that space under the stairs?
431
00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,741
- Me. I am.
- I guess you do your wanking
432
00:20:59,741 --> 00:21:01,674
I should have a safe space.
433
00:21:01,674 --> 00:21:03,745
Hello, everyone.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
434
00:21:03,745 --> 00:21:05,574
I need to tell you something.
435
00:21:05,574 --> 00:21:08,819
I just want
to say sorry that I haven't
been around lately.
436
00:21:08,819 --> 00:21:13,202
But I have been working closely
with your old roommate
Jerry the Vampire
437
00:21:13,202 --> 00:21:17,206
on his big, fantastic plan
to conquer all of North America.
438
00:21:17,206 --> 00:21:19,036
- Who?
- Come on.
439
00:21:19,036 --> 00:21:21,625
You know Jerry the Vampire,
your old roommate.
440
00:21:21,625 --> 00:21:25,249
Super slumber guy, tall.
He's got a round face.
441
00:21:25,249 --> 00:21:27,113
I don't know
who is who or what is what.
442
00:21:27,113 --> 00:21:29,874
But I am loving
this ditzy blonde.
443
00:21:32,601 --> 00:21:35,017
- Sleep hypnosis.
- Hypnosis.
I was trying to tell you.
444
00:21:35,017 --> 00:21:37,503
Oh, yes.
Sleep hypnosis
is a very real thing.
445
00:21:37,503 --> 00:21:40,747
I learned that my first week
of Vampire Council
sleepaway camp.
446
00:21:40,747 --> 00:21:42,922
Oh. Those bitches in cabin nine.
447
00:21:42,922 --> 00:21:45,165
Enchanted. Have we met before?
448
00:21:45,165 --> 00:21:48,134
If we had, I'm sure
I would have remembered.
449
00:21:48,134 --> 00:21:49,722
Anyways,
450
00:21:49,722 --> 00:21:51,931
it is quite easy to undo.
451
00:21:52,483 --> 00:21:56,660
You have never
been sleep hypnotized.
452
00:21:56,660 --> 00:22:00,491
Neither of you have ever
been sleep hypnotized.
453
00:22:00,491 --> 00:22:02,286
Never, ever. Hush, little baby.
454
00:22:02,286 --> 00:22:04,426
Done. Done. Done.
455
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:13,539
I just had the strangest dream.
456
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,196
You were there, Laszlo.
And you were there, Nandor.
457
00:22:16,196 --> 00:22:17,577
But we didn't know each other.
458
00:22:18,475 --> 00:22:19,959
- Oh. Was I there?
- No.
459
00:22:20,511 --> 00:22:23,963
Knock, knock. Sorry,
I was knocking for a while
and just let myself in.
460
00:22:25,171 --> 00:22:26,310
Guillermo de La Cruz.
461
00:22:26,310 --> 00:22:27,863
- We know.
- No shit, Geronimo.
462
00:22:27,863 --> 00:22:29,348
Oh, good.
You saw my resume.
463
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:32,385
I'm here for an interview
with Nandor.
464
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:34,525
I saw the ad on Craigslist.
465
00:22:34,525 --> 00:22:37,839
Half-bed, no bath,
light housework required.
466
00:22:37,839 --> 00:22:39,358
I think I can handle that.
467
00:22:40,082 --> 00:22:45,605
So apparently, Guillermo
likes to listen to podcasts
while he falls asleep.
468
00:22:46,295 --> 00:22:48,884
Unfortunately for him,
he must've listened
469
00:22:48,884 --> 00:22:51,508
to the Baron's hypnosis message
on loop,
470
00:22:51,508 --> 00:22:53,441
over and over again,
471
00:22:53,441 --> 00:22:57,583
instead of his usual
Real Housewives
from bumfuck wherever recap.
472
00:22:58,653 --> 00:23:00,137
Oh.
473
00:23:01,449 --> 00:23:03,174
- Guillermo, is it?
- Yes.
474
00:23:03,174 --> 00:23:03,968
Nice to meet you.
475
00:23:05,970 --> 00:23:07,869
I am Nandor. Shall we?
476
00:23:08,456 --> 00:23:09,733
Hi.
Good luck.
477
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:15,911
And at Panera Bread,
I was responsible for closing
and opening of the shop.
478
00:23:15,911 --> 00:23:17,879
- Impressive.
- Thank you.
479
00:23:19,018 --> 00:23:20,985
I was wondering
if I could ask you something.
480
00:23:20,985 --> 00:23:21,779
Sure.
481
00:23:23,263 --> 00:23:24,057
You guys are
482
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,924
- You know.
- What?
483
00:23:28,924 --> 00:23:32,411
You guys are vampires, right?
484
00:23:33,860 --> 00:23:34,620
Yes.
485
00:23:36,138 --> 00:23:39,901
I knew it. That is so awesome.
I had a feeling. Just
486
00:23:39,901 --> 00:23:41,765
I didn't even see your fangs
until now.
487
00:23:41,765 --> 00:23:43,387
That is so cool.
488
00:23:43,387 --> 00:23:45,700
I know you couldn't put that
in the ad, obviously.
489
00:23:45,700 --> 00:23:47,184
- Well, yeah.
- I was just I
490
00:23:47,184 --> 00:23:49,117
I've always fantasized
about being one.
491
00:23:49,117 --> 00:23:51,119
- A vampire, that is.
- Mmm.
492
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,949
When I was little,
I begged my mom for a cape.
493
00:23:54,571 --> 00:23:55,951
She didn't have
the money for it,
494
00:23:55,951 --> 00:23:58,057
but somehow
she found a way of making one.
495
00:23:58,057 --> 00:24:00,473
And I put that cape on,
and I just fantasized
496
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:03,821
about what it would be like
to fly all over the world.
497
00:24:04,477 --> 00:24:07,169
No one picking on you.
Live forever.
498
00:24:08,205 --> 00:24:10,966
I was a pretty shy kid,
so I didn't have
a lot of friends.
499
00:24:12,140 --> 00:24:14,038
I'm sure
you can understand that.
500
00:24:14,901 --> 00:24:16,903
Not really.
I was rich and a jock.
501
00:24:16,903 --> 00:24:18,733
Yeah. That makes sense.
502
00:24:18,733 --> 00:24:23,116
But I can imagine.
It must have
been very, um, hard.
503
00:24:23,116 --> 00:24:24,877
It's okay.
504
00:24:24,877 --> 00:24:27,707
I don't wanna jump the gun here,
505
00:24:27,707 --> 00:24:30,123
but I would love
to be your familiar.
506
00:24:31,055 --> 00:24:32,574
- But I do wanna ask.
- Mmm.
507
00:24:32,574 --> 00:24:34,127
If I
508
00:24:34,749 --> 00:24:37,130
Or your familiar--
Whoever you choose.
It's your choice
509
00:24:37,130 --> 00:24:38,511
Sure.
510
00:24:38,511 --> 00:24:40,064
- did a really great job
- Mmm.
511
00:24:40,064 --> 00:24:41,997
and did everything
you ever asked of them,
512
00:24:42,929 --> 00:24:44,483
- would you ever--
- Make you a vampire?
513
00:24:46,899 --> 00:24:48,107
Yes.
514
00:24:48,107 --> 00:24:51,248
I must confess,
I am a little tempted
515
00:24:51,248 --> 00:24:55,494
to keep Guillermo as he was
the very first time
he came to me.
516
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,531
I will dehypnotize him
later tonight.
517
00:24:58,531 --> 00:25:02,362
But, for now, I will let him
have one last sleep
518
00:25:02,362 --> 00:25:04,537
in his little room
under the stairs.
519
00:25:09,404 --> 00:25:11,993
I forgot how loudly he breathes.
520
00:25:27,215 --> 00:25:30,080
So in the end,
we figured out
the best solution.
521
00:25:30,736 --> 00:25:31,737
Share the room.
522
00:25:32,910 --> 00:25:35,154
Share the room.
- Share the room.
523
00:25:38,329 --> 00:25:40,469
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
524
00:25:41,747 --> 00:25:43,162
♪ I can't eat ♪
525
00:25:43,162 --> 00:25:47,097
♪ I can't sleep at night ♪
526
00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:52,585
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
527
00:25:53,275 --> 00:25:57,383
♪ You're doing very strange
things to my brain ♪
528
00:26:00,869 --> 00:26:04,114
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
529
00:26:05,460 --> 00:26:08,567
♪ And I wonder
If I'll ever be the same ♪
530
00:26:14,883 --> 00:26:16,575
♪ You've got me hypnotized ♪
41420
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