Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,352 --> 00:00:09,906
I say, I was just thinking--
2
00:00:09,906 --> 00:00:13,703
"I'’ll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.
3
00:00:13,703 --> 00:00:16,085
- Shut the fuck up,
Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.
4
00:00:16,085 --> 00:00:19,295
I was just thinking, now
that Gizmo is no longer with us,
5
00:00:19,295 --> 00:00:22,850
perhaps we could repurpose
that space under the stairs
that he used to live in.
6
00:00:22,850 --> 00:00:24,369
- So mean!
- What?
7
00:00:24,369 --> 00:00:25,991
You know that it
gives Nandor the pip
8
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:28,787
when he hears about
his old bouncing little buddy.
9
00:00:28,787 --> 00:00:30,961
I don'’t even know
what you guys are talking about.
10
00:00:30,961 --> 00:00:33,033
- Guillermo.
- Who?
11
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,657
The servant boy who used
to live in the rathole
under the stairs.
12
00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:41,800
I remember it was
the perfect place for me
to store my precious volumes.
13
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,907
I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo
lived here,
14
00:00:45,907 --> 00:00:48,876
I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."
15
00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:52,742
No, I think you'’ll find
I grabbed that space
as soon as we moved in.
16
00:00:52,742 --> 00:00:54,330
Do you know who would remember?
17
00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:55,262
Who?
18
00:00:55,262 --> 00:00:57,678
- Jerry.
- Yes.
19
00:00:57,678 --> 00:00:59,507
- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.
20
00:00:59,507 --> 00:01:00,888
Yes.
- Good old Jerry.
21
00:01:00,888 --> 00:01:02,924
- Jerry would
remember everything.
- Yes.
22
00:01:02,924 --> 00:01:04,064
Sorry. Who'’s Jerry?
23
00:01:07,274 --> 00:01:10,829
Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.
24
00:01:10,829 --> 00:01:13,625
Jerry'’s a good guy.
Solid vampire.
25
00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:15,385
Jerry was a real leader.
26
00:01:15,385 --> 00:01:16,869
A man with a plan.
Yep.
27
00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:20,666
Or rather,
a vampire with a plan-pire.
28
00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:23,704
I mean, the man is all vampire,
no bullshit.
29
00:01:23,704 --> 00:01:26,086
Even his name:
"Jerry the Vampire."
30
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,606
No frills, no chills.
No "Blah, blah,
blah the Relentless"
31
00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:31,539
or "Vlad the Whatever."
32
00:01:31,539 --> 00:01:36,130
"Jerry the Vampire." Bam!
Thank you, mister.
33
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:39,789
Jerry and I used
to have these really long talks,
34
00:01:39,789 --> 00:01:41,791
and he'’d actually listen to me.
35
00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:45,553
He might have been
the only person in this house
that actually liked me.
36
00:01:45,553 --> 00:01:47,037
That'’s true.
37
00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:49,281
- Jerry the Vampire.
We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.
38
00:01:49,281 --> 00:01:51,145
Whatever happened to Jerry?
39
00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:56,978
- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.
40
00:01:56,978 --> 00:01:58,946
Shit. Shit. Fuck.
What?
41
00:01:58,946 --> 00:02:00,120
I hope Jerry is okay.
42
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,983
This is a real mess-up!
43
00:02:01,983 --> 00:02:06,402
Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.
44
00:02:06,402 --> 00:02:10,440
Where they will stay sleeping
for decades and decades.
45
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,064
- Awakening only when their f--
- Their fellow vampires
wake them up.
46
00:02:14,064 --> 00:02:19,829
We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up
from his super slumber. Oops.
47
00:02:21,244 --> 00:02:23,764
Which is an easy thing to forget
48
00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:26,146
because we had a lot going on.
49
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,493
We did. So much.
50
00:02:28,493 --> 00:02:33,774
And also,
because Jerry had requested to
be woken up on New Year'’s Eve.
51
00:02:33,774 --> 00:02:36,294
New Year'’s Eve, 1996.
52
00:02:36,294 --> 00:02:37,640
Right.
53
00:02:38,330 --> 00:02:39,814
This one'’s on us.
54
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,751
♪ Don'’t sing
If you want to live long ♪
55
00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:48,823
♪ They have no use
For your song ♪
56
00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:51,309
♪ You'’re dead
You'’re dead, you're dead ♪
57
00:02:51,309 --> 00:02:53,276
♪ You'’re dead
And out of this world ♪
58
00:02:55,244 --> 00:02:58,281
♪ Now your hope
And compassion is gone ♪
59
00:02:58,281 --> 00:03:01,008
♪ You'’ve sold out your dream
To the world ♪
60
00:03:01,008 --> 00:03:03,390
♪ Stay dead, stay dead
Stay dead ♪
61
00:03:03,390 --> 00:03:05,702
♪ You'’re dead
And out of this world ♪
62
00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,922
Does anyone remember
where Jerry'’s super-slumber
coffin is?
63
00:03:18,922 --> 00:03:20,648
Jerry?
64
00:03:20,648 --> 00:03:22,857
Shh.
Don'’t scream his name like that.
65
00:03:22,857 --> 00:03:25,688
We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.
66
00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:28,656
Jerry?
Guys, guys, guys.
67
00:03:28,656 --> 00:03:31,211
Here he is. It'’s Jerry.
Oh, gosh.
68
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,870
Jerry? Oh, Jerry?
69
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,255
Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
No, no, no.
70
00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:43,533
What have we done?
71
00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:47,882
Jerry seems to have broken up
into seven or eight pieces
that smell like old meat.
72
00:03:47,882 --> 00:03:50,022
Hold on. This isn'’t Jerry.
What?
73
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,784
These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment
74
00:03:52,784 --> 00:03:54,095
I abandoned decades ago.
75
00:03:55,442 --> 00:03:57,513
Couldn'’t be fucked,
so I just left it all.
76
00:03:57,513 --> 00:04:00,412
To create life.
To use science itself--
77
00:04:00,412 --> 00:04:04,278
chemical galvanism,
electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera--
78
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,419
to reanimate dead tissue.
79
00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:13,114
Now, whomever
unlocks that mystery,
is not a man, but a god.
80
00:04:13,114 --> 00:04:14,115
Like Frankenstein.
81
00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:19,500
- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
82
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:20,743
Never heard of him.
83
00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:22,986
Right.
84
00:04:22,986 --> 00:04:26,404
Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature
85
00:04:26,404 --> 00:04:30,546
that the world will hail
as Cravensworth'’s new man.
86
00:04:30,546 --> 00:04:34,135
Laszlo, shut the fuck up
and come and help them
lift this coffin lid.
87
00:04:34,135 --> 00:04:35,171
Sorry, my darling.
88
00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:50,324
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
89
00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:57,124
Wow, that was a long one. Happy
New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.
90
00:04:57,124 --> 00:05:00,092
- Finally.
- So fun.
You'’re all looking well.
91
00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,474
- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.
92
00:05:02,474 --> 00:05:05,719
Hello. Nadja, as
beautiful as ever.
93
00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:08,135
Jerry, you'’re still buttering me
up like the old days.
94
00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:11,380
Yes. Dr. Cravensworth,
I presume.
95
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,796
- You presume correctly.
Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
96
00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:14,900
Hey, Jer-bear.
97
00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:19,319
- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.
98
00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,322
Good to see you as well.
99
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,496
So, how did it go?
100
00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:27,637
Uh, how did what go?
101
00:05:27,637 --> 00:05:29,363
Conquering the New World.
102
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,503
I would have given anything
to have been there for it,
103
00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:34,782
- but I really needed
that super slumber.
- I bet.
104
00:05:34,782 --> 00:05:37,578
So, did you end up conquering
just the United States
105
00:05:37,578 --> 00:05:39,166
or did you end up deciding
106
00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:41,341
that the New World
means Canada and Mexico as well?
107
00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:46,069
So you let me sleep
for 50 years instead of 20.
108
00:05:46,069 --> 00:05:50,350
During which time,
you conquered your street?
109
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,144
- Yes.
- And part of--
110
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,319
Part of Ashley Street.
Right.
111
00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:57,357
Actually, most of
Ashley Street. So...
Yes.
112
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,875
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
113
00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,394
Again, you'’ve showed me
whatever this thing is
114
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,465
where you can have a television
in your pocket.
115
00:06:02,465 --> 00:06:05,744
No, I know. But you asked
what you'’ve missed
over the last 50 years.
116
00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:07,988
So, I just thought
you should see this.
117
00:06:07,988 --> 00:06:09,783
What is this supposed to be?
118
00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:12,682
Well, it'’s a bit
of a brain teaser.
119
00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:16,203
Does the dress look white and
gold or black and blue to you?
120
00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:19,724
Okay. Stop. But the
fact that vampires exist,
121
00:06:19,724 --> 00:06:21,622
that'’s still a secret, right?
122
00:06:21,622 --> 00:06:23,210
Humans don'’t know about that.
123
00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:26,075
Yes, totally. Got no idea.
124
00:06:26,075 --> 00:06:30,424
Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty
125
00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,564
from prying human eyes.
126
00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:34,255
And those who are too curious--
127
00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:36,499
well, they'’ll spend
their last moments ruing the day
128
00:06:36,499 --> 00:06:39,433
they poked their noses
in where they weren'’t belonging.
129
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,297
What he said.
Right.
130
00:06:41,297 --> 00:06:45,405
But then, why is there
a human camera crew
here filming everything?
131
00:06:48,925 --> 00:06:52,412
Oh, them. [chuckles] No. You
don'’t need to worry about them
132
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,930
because, Jerry,
they'’re cool. So...
133
00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:55,553
Yes, very cool.
134
00:06:55,553 --> 00:06:58,452
Do you even know who they'’re
going to show all this to?
135
00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,281
Um...
136
00:07:00,281 --> 00:07:01,386
You gotta hear this.
137
00:07:01,386 --> 00:07:03,457
What? What is this?
138
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:07,081
It'’s a pretty comprehensive list
of the things you'’ve missed.
139
00:07:07,081 --> 00:07:09,601
Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.
140
00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:11,569
- Colin.
- Isn'’t that what I said?
141
00:07:11,569 --> 00:07:13,605
No, you said Carl.
142
00:07:13,605 --> 00:07:15,952
South Pacific,
Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.
143
00:07:15,952 --> 00:07:18,610
I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?
144
00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:22,925
Well, it stops in 1988 around
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
145
00:07:22,925 --> 00:07:26,066
- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!
146
00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:29,656
Okay. Not now, guy.
Can somebody just please tell me
147
00:07:29,656 --> 00:07:32,106
what is our current
dark purpose,
148
00:07:32,106 --> 00:07:35,144
and why are we letting
these humans know about it?
149
00:07:35,144 --> 00:07:36,456
Um...
150
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,079
- Yes?
- Sit down.
151
00:07:39,079 --> 00:07:40,494
Never mind.
152
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,083
Jerry has been asking
a lot of questions lately
153
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:47,915
about things I haven'’t
thought about in a long while.
154
00:07:47,915 --> 00:07:51,091
Things that make you go,
"Hmm" so to speak.
155
00:07:51,091 --> 00:07:52,955
Yes. Hmm.
156
00:07:57,373 --> 00:07:59,927
Come on. In here.
Sure of it? Yep.
157
00:07:59,927 --> 00:08:03,931
Okay. Sorry, I just need
a private moment with Nandor.
So...
158
00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:05,485
What?
Just wait a second.
159
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,835
Okay.
Why do we allow a camera crew
160
00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:13,078
to document our every moves?
161
00:08:13,078 --> 00:08:17,082
But who would not want to
document the lives of
three exalted vampires?
162
00:08:17,082 --> 00:08:18,394
And also Colin Robinson.
163
00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:21,293
Obviously. But
why do we allow it?
164
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:22,847
Hmm.
165
00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:25,125
- Right?
- You know who would remember?
166
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:26,954
Guillermo would remember.
167
00:08:26,954 --> 00:08:29,336
- Then we must go
and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can'’t do that.
168
00:08:29,336 --> 00:08:30,993
No, no, no, he
has a new life now.
169
00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:32,926
He has a new home.
He has a new job.
170
00:08:32,926 --> 00:08:34,514
Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.
171
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,552
Fine.
172
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:43,177
Hello.
We are going to visit Guillermo
in his new home.
173
00:08:43,177 --> 00:08:47,354
This way. You may not
like where he lives now.
174
00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,736
I do not like
where any human lives.
175
00:08:49,736 --> 00:08:54,810
There is always a sink
and a couch and a drawer
full of spoons.
176
00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:58,192
Well, you know,
I actually helped Guillermo
to find his new home.
177
00:08:58,192 --> 00:09:00,091
Well, because he was looking
for his independence,
178
00:09:00,091 --> 00:09:02,300
and I kind of felt I owed him.
179
00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,165
It'’s okay to admit that you
just miss him a little bit.
180
00:09:05,165 --> 00:09:07,892
Please, Nadja. Familiars,
they come, and they go.
181
00:09:07,892 --> 00:09:10,204
You know, you
cannot get too attached.
182
00:09:10,204 --> 00:09:12,517
Most of them are killed
in the line of duty anyways.
183
00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:15,416
That'’s just the circle of life.
And here we are.
184
00:09:16,694 --> 00:09:19,559
What? I thought
he had his own apartment.
185
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:23,079
Well, he does
in Laszlo'’s old garden shed
where he used to jack off.
186
00:09:25,219 --> 00:09:28,188
Let'’s see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
187
00:09:28,188 --> 00:09:29,396
Who is it?
188
00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:32,192
Hi, guys.
189
00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:34,574
So, yeah, I moved into
Laszlo'’s garden shed.
190
00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:39,268
There'’s a smell.
Mildewy? I wanna say.
191
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:42,409
And there was some really big
stains that I couldn'’t identify.
192
00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:44,584
I was gonna get my
own place eventually,
193
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:48,622
but I looked around
for a while and realized
I cannot afford anything.
194
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:52,419
So, when Nandor offered
that I could stay here
for 350 a week, I said yes.
195
00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:53,800
Sign me up.
196
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,941
So, Guillermo,
how long have you lived here?
197
00:09:56,941 --> 00:09:58,770
- Months.
- Months?
198
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,014
- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?
199
00:10:01,014 --> 00:10:02,532
Yeah.
This is
actually the first time
200
00:10:02,532 --> 00:10:06,053
- I'’ve seen Guillermo
since he left. So...
- Bullshit.
201
00:10:06,053 --> 00:10:08,642
Actually, no, he'’s
telling the truth.
202
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,611
We'’ve maintained really good
boundaries about not seeing
each other
203
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,923
till I get my life together.
204
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:15,615
And where do you make toilet?
205
00:10:16,995 --> 00:10:19,066
Hmm? Uh, I'’m always at work,
206
00:10:19,066 --> 00:10:21,482
so I just save it
till I'’m at work.
207
00:10:21,482 --> 00:10:25,417
Work. And how is
your new career going?
208
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:26,867
I work at a restaurant.
209
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,110
Panera Bread?
210
00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:31,976
- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just--
211
00:10:31,976 --> 00:10:34,495
- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?
212
00:10:34,495 --> 00:10:36,670
You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?
213
00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:41,710
And how is your
new master at Panera?
214
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,919
My boss? Actually,
he'’s good. He's--
215
00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:45,886
Guillermo, what is this bucket?
216
00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:48,717
You know what? It'’s getting
late, and I have to be up early.
217
00:10:48,717 --> 00:10:50,270
So, I think probably just--
218
00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:54,067
Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.
219
00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:57,173
I was wondering
what the smell was that was
here when I got here months ago.
220
00:10:57,173 --> 00:10:58,830
- So that'’s what that was.
- The point is this,
221
00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:04,940
Jerry has inquired
as to why we allow
the documentary crew to film us.
222
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,356
- Wait. Who'’s Jerry?
- Never mind.
Doesn'’t matter who Jerry is.
223
00:11:07,356 --> 00:11:09,082
You miss a
little, you miss a lot.
224
00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:12,292
- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'’m taking
this bucket with me.
225
00:11:12,292 --> 00:11:13,914
No, wait. Why?
226
00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:17,021
Why not?
227
00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:18,919
See you in
another month or two, Guillermo.
228
00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,369
Man, human form!
Well, look who it is!
229
00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:21,715
Hello, my darling.
Hi.
230
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,096
Yes. That'’s my love.
231
00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:24,338
Jerry and
I'’ve just had a feed.
232
00:11:24,338 --> 00:11:26,237
I had to warn him
about the modern roads
233
00:11:26,237 --> 00:11:28,515
with the steel horses
with their rubber feet.
234
00:11:28,515 --> 00:11:31,691
Again, I know
what a fucking car is.
I wasn'’t asleep that long.
235
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,487
Laszlo, you sly dog.
What--
236
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,868
You.
237
00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,767
Congratulations, my friend.
238
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,148
- I thought you said
you didn'’t finish him.
- Finish what?
239
00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:44,393
Your monster--
made of cadaver parts
and reanimated to give it life.
240
00:11:44,393 --> 00:11:46,498
Jerry, that is Guillermo.
241
00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,742
Did you see? He looked
when you said his name.
242
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,848
No, uh, he'’s human.
243
00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:52,332
A human amongst us?
244
00:11:52,332 --> 00:11:53,643
- Yes.
- I'’ll handle this.
245
00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:54,921
No. Uh, Jerry.
No.
246
00:11:54,921 --> 00:11:56,957
Jerry, no, no.
This is Guillermo.
247
00:11:56,957 --> 00:11:59,546
He'’s okay. He's our familiar.
248
00:11:59,546 --> 00:12:03,205
Ah. Okay. Apologies.
249
00:12:03,205 --> 00:12:05,414
Familiar, go fetch my coffin
from the basement.
250
00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:10,177
Uh, the thing is, Jerry,
he'’s not our familiar anymore.
251
00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:12,179
Okay. Why does he
still live here?
252
00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:14,768
- Good question.
- It'’s a long story.
253
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,390
- Yeah. Look at this.
- Don'’t.
254
00:12:16,390 --> 00:12:18,461
Fine, but if someone asks you
255
00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:21,050
why Michael Dukakis
was riding on a tank,
256
00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:23,881
you'’re not gonna
know what to say.
You'’re gonna look dumb, Jerry.
257
00:12:23,881 --> 00:12:25,814
It'’s pretty good.
258
00:12:25,814 --> 00:12:29,749
So you haven'’t managed
to reanimate dead flesh
to create new life?
259
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,820
- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.
260
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,029
If you haven'’t been working on
that, what have you been doing?
261
00:12:34,029 --> 00:12:36,756
Tending my vulva garden.
Indeed.
262
00:12:38,965 --> 00:12:41,588
Uh, Nandor, can I see you
for a moment inside?
263
00:12:41,588 --> 00:12:43,970
Certainly, Jerry. This way.
264
00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,179
He seems nice.
265
00:12:46,179 --> 00:12:48,422
I turned Guillermo into a human,
which was a hassle,
266
00:12:48,422 --> 00:12:50,217
- but for the best...
- Yeah. Yeah.
Hold on just a second.
267
00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:52,323
- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?
268
00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:54,946
Me, Jerry? I'’m
great. Why do you ask?
269
00:12:54,946 --> 00:12:58,570
It'’s just-- The old Nandor,
the Nandor I knew
before I went to sleep?
270
00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,918
- That'’s me.
- Is it though?
271
00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:04,404
You were Nandor the
fucking Relentless,
272
00:13:04,404 --> 00:13:08,132
a killer of men,
a conqueror of continents.
273
00:13:08,132 --> 00:13:10,410
- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?
274
00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:11,860
Very good questions, Jerry.
275
00:13:13,275 --> 00:13:14,794
The fuck happened around here?
276
00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:24,734
Well, I'’m going to turn in
before the sun comes up.
277
00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:26,806
Get back on a normal schedule.
Good night, Jerry.
278
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:27,979
The fuck is that?
279
00:13:27,979 --> 00:13:29,394
That is my dolly.
280
00:13:29,394 --> 00:13:32,432
She contains the ghost
of my dead human form
281
00:13:32,432 --> 00:13:34,468
from before I became
a vampire, you know.
282
00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:36,850
Right. Cool.
283
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,231
- Anyways...
- Good night, Jerry.
284
00:13:38,231 --> 00:13:39,473
- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.
285
00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:42,994
I hadn'’t finished speaking. Uh.
286
00:13:43,926 --> 00:13:46,135
Good night, Kyle-in.
287
00:13:46,135 --> 00:13:48,241
Good to
have you back, old chap.
Good to be back.
288
00:13:48,241 --> 00:13:50,243
And good to see
you two getting along again.
289
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,658
What'’s he talking
about, my darling?
290
00:13:51,658 --> 00:13:54,178
When I went under,
you two weren'’t speaking at all.
291
00:13:54,178 --> 00:13:56,214
You hadn'’t spoken
in five or six years.
292
00:13:56,214 --> 00:13:57,837
Really? I think I'’d remember
something like that.
293
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,286
Um. Me too.
294
00:13:59,286 --> 00:14:01,495
Maybe it was a
different Laszlo and Nadja.
295
00:14:01,495 --> 00:14:03,704
It was a long time ago, I guess.
296
00:14:03,704 --> 00:14:06,880
Literally 50 years ago,
which, again, was not the plan.
297
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,987
Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo
298
00:14:09,987 --> 00:14:12,921
had such a big argument
that we didn'’t speak
for about five years?
299
00:14:12,921 --> 00:14:15,509
- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?
300
00:14:15,509 --> 00:14:17,857
It couldn'’t have been that bad.
I'’m sure it's water
under the bridge now.
301
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,066
You wanted to go
out and get a real job
302
00:14:20,066 --> 00:14:23,379
because of your morbid
fascination with regular folks.
303
00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:26,727
- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.
304
00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:29,351
He said it was too
"dangerous-uh"...
Yeah.
305
00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:33,527
...for you to be out on your own
without his protection
or some bullshit.
306
00:14:33,527 --> 00:14:36,530
You longhead
streak of British piss!
307
00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:38,187
Who are you to say
that I need your protection?
308
00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:40,534
If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,
309
00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,537
I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
310
00:14:43,537 --> 00:14:46,886
- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what?
You can get fucked.
311
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,889
How dare you talk to me like
that with that salty tongue?
312
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,994
- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?
313
00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:55,584
Can'’t you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?
314
00:14:55,584 --> 00:14:59,691
Jerry was one of the only
real friends that I ever had.
315
00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,177
At least I thought he was.
316
00:15:02,177 --> 00:15:06,940
It'’s pretty obvious,
though, that the guy
doesn'’t remember me.
317
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,528
Jerry is
right, of course.
318
00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:09,943
What have I become?
319
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:13,050
My own familiar humiliates me
and what do I do?
320
00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:17,744
Murder him? Nah, I
become his landlord.
321
00:15:17,744 --> 00:15:20,781
Where did I lose my way?
322
00:15:20,781 --> 00:15:21,955
Jerry'’s
right, of course.
323
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,923
I staked my entire reputation
324
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,579
on being a man of science.
325
00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:28,755
A man to create
life from dead tissue.
326
00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:30,377
And what did I do?
327
00:15:30,377 --> 00:15:32,966
I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence
328
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:36,349
and spent the last 50 years
pulling my pud.
329
00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:39,628
Who the hell is
Laszlo to forbid anything?
330
00:15:39,628 --> 00:15:41,768
Think of what I
could have become
331
00:15:41,768 --> 00:15:44,736
if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.
332
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,911
That'’s right, girl.
Don'’t let these motherfuckers
hold you back.
333
00:15:46,911 --> 00:15:48,223
Yes. Exactly.
334
00:15:48,223 --> 00:15:49,776
Truth.
335
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,951
A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,
336
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,058
which would ordinarily be a
feast for an energy vampire.
337
00:15:56,058 --> 00:16:01,063
But it'’s too much of a good
thing and it'’s starting to show.
338
00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:04,032
I'’m not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,
339
00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:06,344
but it keeps soaking in
340
00:16:06,344 --> 00:16:09,589
and I'’ll be damned if it
doesn'’t go straight to my hips.
341
00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:13,282
Guillermo, do you think
you might respect me more
if I had killed you?
342
00:16:13,938 --> 00:16:15,802
What? No.
343
00:16:15,802 --> 00:16:17,528
I think that was
a very nice thing you did.
344
00:16:17,528 --> 00:16:18,632
Not killing me.
345
00:16:18,632 --> 00:16:20,427
Yes. Yes. Yes.
346
00:16:20,427 --> 00:16:22,982
Formerly known as
Nandor the Relentless,
347
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,778
now known as Nandor
the kind-of-nice guy.
348
00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,679
Gizmo, I want you
to have my scientific devices.
349
00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:34,683
I won'’t be needing them anymore.
I do not deserve them.
350
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:38,031
My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.
351
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,033
- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?
352
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,967
Do you think that would
make a difference?
The moment has passed.
353
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,796
You sure you wanna get rid of
this? Looks pretty expensive.
354
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,247
Well, that there
is my anal speculum.
355
00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:51,217
It'’s tarnished from
years of use, but you'’re
more than welcome to it.
356
00:16:51,217 --> 00:16:55,462
Guillermo, I need you to do me
a favor and please tell
the pompous trout
357
00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:57,671
with a woman'’s haircut,
also known as Laszlo,
358
00:16:57,671 --> 00:17:00,019
that he needs to move his coffin
from our bedroom
359
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,813
to the couch in the library.
360
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,644
- But he'’s right there.
- Gizmo, would you please
tell my wife
361
00:17:04,644 --> 00:17:06,370
if she wishes
to kick a man while he'’s down,
362
00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:07,819
to do so in writing?
363
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,132
What is going on with you guys?
364
00:17:10,132 --> 00:17:13,204
- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.
365
00:17:13,204 --> 00:17:16,035
I used to live in the house
right over there with you.
366
00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,243
Colin, I know who you are.
367
00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:18,623
At least somebody does.
368
00:17:18,623 --> 00:17:21,178
Okay, this is not
my place, not my job,
369
00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:22,731
but clearly something'’s wrong.
370
00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:24,457
And I think we can
all agree what that is.
371
00:17:24,457 --> 00:17:26,873
That I have
become a total pussy?
372
00:17:26,873 --> 00:17:30,187
- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?
373
00:17:30,187 --> 00:17:32,568
That my pants
don'’t fit anymore?
No.
374
00:17:32,568 --> 00:17:35,571
I was gonna say it'’s Jerry.
375
00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:39,092
- What? Jerry.
He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.
376
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,507
I know, I'’m sure
Jerry is a great,
377
00:17:40,507 --> 00:17:42,371
- fantastic guy...
- He is.
378
00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:44,063
...but, you know,
something happens
when you add a new person
379
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,857
into a group of friends.
380
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,031
It throws off the dynamic.
381
00:17:47,031 --> 00:17:49,068
But you were the new person.
382
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,932
- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that'’s harsh,
383
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:56,696
but I made it work because
I did whatever it took to make
all of you happy.
384
00:17:56,696 --> 00:18:00,079
I mean, I ate your
shit over and over.
385
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,288
I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.
386
00:18:02,288 --> 00:18:05,084
Okay, is this
your sneaky, slimy,
387
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,672
little way of letting us know
that you want to move back
into the house with us
388
00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,778
- and start working for us again?
- We accept.
389
00:18:09,778 --> 00:18:13,506
No. No, absolutely not.
I was just joking,
you know,
390
00:18:13,506 --> 00:18:15,887
because we'’re doing
just fine without you.
391
00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:19,339
Great. The point is, I'’m sure
Jerry was a great friend, right?
392
00:18:19,339 --> 00:18:21,100
- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,
393
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,756
but it'’s just not
working anymore.
394
00:18:22,756 --> 00:18:25,932
And you all need
to be honest with yourself
and with him.
395
00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:27,934
- He'’s right.
- Thank you.
396
00:18:27,934 --> 00:18:30,454
Guillermo,
can you please tell the man
who just said "he'’s right"
397
00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:32,628
that I
reluctantly agree with him?
398
00:18:32,628 --> 00:18:36,080
Okay, Guillermo is
right. We will fix.
399
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,771
- Great.
- Great.
400
00:18:37,771 --> 00:18:39,463
- I'’ll see you out.
Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?
401
00:18:39,463 --> 00:18:41,154
- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.
402
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,087
Will you help us fix this?
403
00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:45,917
What part of "I don'’t work
for you" don'’t you understand?
404
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:51,095
Okay, fine.
Not as a former familiar or as
a preeminent former shit-eater
405
00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,477
of Staten Island,
but as a former friend.
406
00:18:53,477 --> 00:18:54,305
Yeah.
407
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:02,175
Look, we all know this is
gonna be a hard conversation
to have, right?
408
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,591
- Yes.
- Okay. So who'’s gonna
do the talking?
409
00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:06,938
- As leader of this group...
- You'’re not the leader
of the group.
410
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,182
- ...I shall do it.
- Well, I don'’t disagree
with that.
411
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:12,151
Guillermo,
could you please tell Laszlo
that it is not ever his right
412
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,430
to say what people
can and cannot do?
413
00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:18,157
Guys, can you just
step back a little bit?
I'’m trying to turn around.
414
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,951
- Okay, so what are you
going to say?
- I will say,
415
00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:23,334
"Jerry, old friend, we love you
and we have love for you,
416
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,164
but it'’s just not working out."
417
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,613
That'’s great so far.
Okay, and then what?
418
00:19:26,613 --> 00:19:28,132
These two will hold him down,
419
00:19:28,132 --> 00:19:29,651
and I'’m gonna drive this stake
through his heart.
420
00:19:29,651 --> 00:19:30,859
What? No.
421
00:19:30,859 --> 00:19:32,447
Or I could just
chop his head off.
422
00:19:32,447 --> 00:19:34,345
No.
Douse him
with this holy water.
423
00:19:34,345 --> 00:19:37,037
No.
- If he tries making a run
for it, I got this bad boy.
424
00:19:37,037 --> 00:19:38,867
What makes you think
that you need to kill him?
425
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,248
It was your idea.
No, it wasn'’t.
426
00:19:40,248 --> 00:19:41,801
There are other ways
of ending a relationship
427
00:19:41,801 --> 00:19:42,974
than killing the other person.
428
00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,114
Name one.
429
00:19:45,114 --> 00:19:48,014
Shit.
Hey, guys. What'’s up?
430
00:19:50,016 --> 00:19:51,845
What? Did you let me sleep
for another 50 years?
431
00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:52,743
What year is it?
432
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,471
- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.
433
00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:58,645
- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
434
00:19:58,645 --> 00:20:02,028
We love you
and we have love for you.
435
00:20:02,028 --> 00:20:04,133
But it'’s just--
436
00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:08,034
The thing is, you mean so
much to us. You'’re such a-- No.
437
00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:12,383
Sorry, Jerry. We forgot
to tell you that you'’re
such a big part of this family.
438
00:20:12,383 --> 00:20:14,282
And there'’s something
that they all discovered
439
00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:17,043
while you were asleep
for 50 years and they
forgot to tell you.
440
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,873
- No.
- Tell me.
441
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,186
Well, no, I forgot it was my job
and I dropped the ball.
442
00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:24,844
- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.
443
00:20:24,844 --> 00:20:27,502
It'’s just that-- See,
Jerry, it'’s-- Sorry.
444
00:20:27,502 --> 00:20:31,885
I heard that you were the brains
behind the whole taking over
America plan.
445
00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:33,266
Yeah. Guilty.
446
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,095
He'’s gonna like what
we have to show him.
447
00:20:35,095 --> 00:20:38,237
So why don'’t you come on out
and we will show you--
448
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,031
- He'’s running!
- No, he'’s not, Colin.
449
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:44,864
Oh, gosh! It went right through
my foot in my orthopedic shoe.
450
00:20:44,864 --> 00:20:46,728
You had a crossbow.
Ooh, that hurts.
451
00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,248
So,
what do you think?
452
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:53,079
Am I supposed to F him or--
You know, what'’s the plan here?
453
00:20:53,079 --> 00:20:55,702
I mean, you can if you want,
but no, that'’s not why
I brought him here.
454
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:57,670
Well, why did
you bring him here?
455
00:20:57,670 --> 00:21:01,881
PS, I probably will F him
but more out of boredom
than anything else.
456
00:21:01,881 --> 00:21:04,539
Such as the plight of The Guide.
457
00:21:04,539 --> 00:21:07,507
Okay. No, I brought him here
because he'’s everything
458
00:21:07,507 --> 00:21:09,820
you'’ve been waiting
your entire life for.
459
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:11,546
He wants to take
over the New World.
460
00:21:12,581 --> 00:21:14,134
- It can'’t be true.
- It is.
461
00:21:14,134 --> 00:21:16,344
Could he be the chosen one
462
00:21:16,344 --> 00:21:18,518
who will finally
make our conquest a reality?
463
00:21:19,347 --> 00:21:20,969
Yep.
464
00:21:20,969 --> 00:21:22,936
You know, I once thought Nandor
was the chosen one.
465
00:21:22,936 --> 00:21:26,940
- Or Nadja and then Laszlo
and never Colin.
- Never.
466
00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:30,565
I just said those guys
are kind of not self-starters.
467
00:21:30,565 --> 00:21:32,394
- That'’s true.
- Uh, Lieutenant.
468
00:21:32,394 --> 00:21:35,155
Oh, you can just
call me The Guide.
469
00:21:35,155 --> 00:21:37,261
You'’ll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'’ll like it.
470
00:21:37,261 --> 00:21:40,471
You'’ll find I'm a bit of a
stickler for a chain of command.
471
00:21:40,471 --> 00:21:42,818
- I like him very much.
- Told you.
472
00:21:42,818 --> 00:21:45,614
Yes, sir. Lieutenant
at your service, sir.
473
00:21:45,614 --> 00:21:48,790
Now, is this
the most current map of
the continental United States?
474
00:21:50,032 --> 00:21:52,034
No.
- No, it is not, sir.
475
00:21:52,034 --> 00:21:55,141
Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating
476
00:21:55,141 --> 00:21:58,455
the highest ranks of
the US government a heartbeat
away from the presidency.
477
00:21:58,455 --> 00:22:00,422
Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.
478
00:22:00,422 --> 00:22:02,010
Get me everything
you have on this guy.
479
00:22:02,010 --> 00:22:04,115
We haven'’t had a vampire
so close to the throne
480
00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:06,739
of human power
since McNamara in '’61.
481
00:22:06,739 --> 00:22:08,119
Pulling those
documents now, sir.
482
00:22:09,638 --> 00:22:11,571
And so
we are of one mind.
483
00:22:11,571 --> 00:22:13,849
Therefore, we shall meet here
for at least three hours
every night
484
00:22:13,849 --> 00:22:15,610
and conceive a plan--
485
00:22:15,610 --> 00:22:20,442
the complete and total
vampire subjugation
of all humans.
486
00:22:20,442 --> 00:22:22,789
- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let'’s do this.
487
00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:23,963
Yes.
488
00:22:23,963 --> 00:22:26,966
Can I get a beep-beep?
489
00:22:26,966 --> 00:22:30,383
Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.
490
00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:33,006
It is of the utmost importance.
491
00:22:33,006 --> 00:22:36,424
But is it as
important as creating life?
492
00:22:36,424 --> 00:22:40,531
I'’m still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,
493
00:22:40,531 --> 00:22:43,776
threatened and scared
because I wanted to learn
the ways of the humans.
494
00:22:43,776 --> 00:22:47,020
But now, it is all about just me
going out there
495
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:50,610
and getting some and then
getting a little piece more.
496
00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:53,820
- Hmm?
- What about conquering
the New World?
497
00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:56,720
You know, yes, conquering
the New World or nothing.
498
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,550
Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.
499
00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:03,485
Now let the conquest
of the New World commence.
500
00:23:03,485 --> 00:23:06,385
House meeting. House meeting.
501
00:23:08,248 --> 00:23:10,803
Hello? Guys?
502
00:23:12,149 --> 00:23:15,394
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
503
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:18,914
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
504
00:23:18,914 --> 00:23:20,640
Pull me
everything you'’ve got
505
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,745
- on foreign debt...
- All right.
506
00:23:21,745 --> 00:23:23,574
- ...homeless vets...
- Yes.
507
00:23:23,574 --> 00:23:25,162
- ...AIDS, crack...
- Uh-huh.
508
00:23:25,162 --> 00:23:27,820
- Yes, sir. Okay.
- ...and Bernie Goetz.
509
00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:32,894
Also any relevant documents
concerning the rock and roller
Cola Wars.
510
00:23:32,894 --> 00:23:38,693
- Yes, here'’s a rock
and roller Cola "scroll."
- Ah, perfect.
511
00:23:38,693 --> 00:23:42,075
♪ Rock and roller, cola wars
I can'’t take it anymore ♪
512
00:23:42,075 --> 00:23:45,044
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
513
00:23:45,044 --> 00:23:48,703
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
514
00:23:48,703 --> 00:23:51,533
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
515
00:23:51,533 --> 00:23:55,054
♪ But when we are gone
It will still burn on ♪
516
00:23:55,054 --> 00:24:00,749
♪ And on, and on
And on, and on, and on
And on, and on ♪
517
00:24:01,992 --> 00:24:04,926
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
518
00:24:04,926 --> 00:24:08,550
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
519
00:24:08,550 --> 00:24:11,484
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
520
00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:15,212
♪ No, we didn'’t light it
But we tried to fight it ♪
521
00:24:15,212 --> 00:24:18,387
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
522
00:24:18,387 --> 00:24:21,874
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
523
00:24:21,874 --> 00:24:23,462
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
43095
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.