Original subtitles

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

WHERE YOU GOING?

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO MOVE

UNTIL I TURN THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS SIGN WHAT SAY GO.

I CAN TELL IT SAY GO 'CAUSE IT'S GREEN, PURE GREEN.

SEE THERE?

NOW, GET, YOU!

GO ON, GET!

DON'T EVER LET ME SEE YOU AGAIN!

GO ON! GET!

HEY, STOP, YOU! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HOLDIN' UP THE ROSY RED?!

STOP, YOU, STOP!

STOP, YOU CRIMINAL, YOU!

COME ON, STOP, YOU!

I'M GONNA GET YOU FOR THAT, YOU...!

ERNEST T., QUIT THROWING ROCKS AT THAT CAR!

HE WOULDN'T STOP!

I HAD UP THE ROSY RED. I DIDN'T HAVE UP THE PURE GREEN.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU DIDN'T SEE HIM COMING

IN THE SECOND PLACE, YOU DON'T THROW ROCKS AT CARS!

YOU THINK I WANTED TO THROW THEM ROCKS?

THEM WAS MY BESTEST ROCKS. LOOK AT THEM!

ERNEST T., I GAVE YOU THIS JOB

AND I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW

IF YOU THROW ANY MORE ROCKS

I'M GOING TO FIRE YOU.

YOU DICE 'EM? I DO DICE 'EM!

IF YOU FIRE ME

I CAN'T MARRY UP WITH MY BEAUTIFUL ROMEENA!

WHY?

BECAUSE I NEED $12 FOR THE HONEYMOON.

TENTS COST MONEY--

SOMETHING FIERCE, YOU KNOW.

GONNA GET A LANTERN, TOO.

YOU BETTER REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.

OH, I WILL, I WILL.

SHERIFF, I DECLARE

I'M SO ASHAMED, I'M ABOUT TO CRY.

WELL, DON'T CRY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU AND ROMEENA GETTING MARRIED SOON?

YEP. RIGHT SOON.

HER GIRLFRIENDS ARE GIVING HER A SHOWER.

THAT'S NICE. A LOT OF GIFTS.

JUST A PLAIN HOT-WATER SHOWER.

WELL, ERNEST T.

I'M GLAD YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY ROMEENA

BUT I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW

IF YOU THROW ONE MORE ROCK...

I GIVE YOU MY WORD, SHERIFF

I WOULDN'T THROW ONE MORE ROCK.

GOOD.

DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN' 'BOUT NO BRICK.

[ TIRES SCREECHING, HORN HONKING ]

DREADFULLY SORRY, SIR.

IT'S ENTIRELY MY FAULT.

WELL, MALCOLM MERRIWEATHER!

HELLO, SHERIFF.

YOU'RE LOOKING FINE.

WHY, THANK YOU.

IT'S NICE OF YOU TO SAY THAT.

ARE YOU HURT?

NO, NOT A SCRATCH.

OH, GOOD. DECIDE TO PAY US A LITTLE VISIT, HUH?

ONE NEVER QUITE FORGETS MAYBERRY, YOU KNOW.

SUCH A CHARMING LITTLE TOWN.

WE LIKE IT.

HELP YOU DOWN?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE. GOT IT.

RIGHT, YES.

OKAY, OKAY.

THERE WE GO.

THERE WE ARE.

ALWAYS SO GRACIOUS.

WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU.

GEE, YOU'RE JUST LOOKING JUST MARVELOUS.

THANKS. I'VE TRIED TO STAY FIT, YOU KNOW.

HERE ON ANOTHER LITTLE VACATION, HUH?

AS A MATTER OF FACT

I'M PLANNING TO STAY A BIT THIS TIME

AND TRY ME HAND AT BEING AN AMERICAN.

YOU'RE NOT FIGURING ON SETTLING IN MAYBERRY?

WELL, I'VE NEVER MET FRIENDLIER FOLKS ANYWHERE.

WELL, ISN'T THAT THE NICEST THING YOU EVER HEARD OF?

MIND YOU, I HAVE NO INTENTION OF SPONGING WHILE I'M HERE.

I PLAN TO MAKE ME OWN WAY

GET SOME SORT OF POSITION FOR MESELF, PULL ME WEIGHT.

MALCOLM MERRIWEATHER ALWAYS PAYS.

WHY DON'T WE JUST GO IN THE BARBERSHOP

AND LOOK AT THE BULLETIN BOARD

AND SEE IF WE SEE ANY JOBS LISTED?

AREN'T YOU KIND. AREN'T YOU KIND.

WELL...

UH, SEAMSTRESS?

UH, NO, NO, NO.

HAIRDRESSER-- NO.

OH, SAY. FLETCH ROBERTS OVER AT THE DEPOT

HE NEEDS A BOOKKEEPER.

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BOOKKEEPING?

NOT THE FOGGIEST, NO.

MAYBE WE BETTER GO AT IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT?

WELL, THE USUAL THINGS, YOU KNOW.

UM, LAST SIX YEARS

I WAS A GENTLEMEN'S GENTLEMAN

TO THE COLONEL-- HIS VALET.

A VALET.

A VALET?

WELL, VALET, VALET...

THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYTHING TODAY.

WHAT ELSE DO YOU KNOW, MALCOLM?

WELL, I KNOW HOW TO KEEP WINE CELLARS STOCKED

AND, UM... OH, YES, YES.

I TOOK CARE OF HUNTING BIRDS--

FALCONS, YOU KNOW.

YOU WERE A FALCON KEEPER?

FALCON KEEPER.

FALCON... FALCON KEEPER, FALCON KEEPER...

WELL, THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ANYTHING

FOR FALCON KEEPERS JUST NOW

BUT THE FIRST THING THAT COMES IN FOR FALCON KEEPING

I WON'T GIVE IT TO NO ONE ELSE.

I'M SURE SOMETHING WILL TURN UP.

OH, SURE IT WILL.

HI, ANDY, FLOYD.

OH, HEY, GOOBER.

MALCOLM, YOU REMEMBER GOOBER

WHO WORKS OVER AT THE FILLING STATION.

OH, MOST CERTAINLY. HOW DO YOU DO, GOOBER?

HEY, MALCOLM.

I WAS THE FIRST ONE TO SEE YOU

WHEN YOU RODE PAST THE STATION.

SAW YOU BEFORE ANYBODY-- FLOYD, ANDY-- ANY OF THEM.

I SEEN YOU FIRST JUST PEDALING ALONG.

OH, YOU DID? YEP.

YOU NEED ANY HELP AT THE FILLING STATION?

MEAN TO TELL YOU WE'RE BUSY.

MALCOLM IS LOOKING FOR WORK.

YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CARS?

OH, YES. I WAS QUITE A HAND

AT TINKERING WITH THE FAMILY CAR.

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK DID YOU DO ON THE FAMILY CAR?

WELL, GENERAL THINGS, YOU KNOW.

I TOOK CARE OF ALL THE MECHANICISM UNDER THE BONNET.

WELL, I GUESS THAT MEANS "HOOD."

AND ON OCCASION, I'D ADJUST THE ANTI-BOUND SLIPS

OR TAKE A DING OUT OF THE WING ON THE DROP HEAD

AND IF NEED BE, I COULD ALWAYS DICKEY UP THE HOOTER, TOO.

YOU SAY YOU'D DICKEY UP THE HOOTER?

WELL.

Ernest T.: I'M GOING TO GET YOU!

HOLD UP! YOU WANT TO HOLD UP, THERE!

ERNEST T.!

OH, HOWDY, SHERIFF.

MIGHTY NICE OF YOU TO COME VISIT WITH ME.

ERNEST T., I WARNED YOU.

YOU SAID ROCKS. DIDN'T SAY NOTHING ABOUT NO BRICKS.

YOU KNEW WHAT I MEANT. YOU'RE FIRED.

OH, SHERIFF, YOU'RE FUNNIN' ME.

I WAS NEVER MORE SERIOUS IN MY LIFE.

SHERIFF, IF YOU FIRE ME, I'LL BECOME YOUR ENEMY

YOUR SWORN ENEMY FOR LIFE, EVER AND EVER.

GIVE ME THE CAP.

MY CAP? OH, NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT CAP.

GIVE ME THE CAP. NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE MY...

I WOULDN'T LET YOU HAVE MY CAP.

YOU CAN'T HAVE MY...

CAP.

OH, YOU DONE TOOK MY CAP

WHICH IS THE SYMBOL OF MY PROFESSION.

PICK UP YOUR MONEY AT THE COURTHOUSE.

HOW MUCH IT GOING TO BE?

WELL, IT'S NOT GOING TO BE $12

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

WILL IT BE AT LEAST $16?

NO, MORE LIKE $5.

YOU JUST STARTED.

THAT AIN'T ENOUGH FOR NO TENT NOR NO LANTERN, $5.

I THINK I'LL GET ME A JOB AS A DOCTOR.

ALL RIGHT, ERNEST T., YOU DON'T WORK HERE ANYMORE

SO JUST TAKE YOUR SACK AND GO ON BACK TO THE WOODS.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF.

SEEING AS HOW I GOT ONE MORE BRICK LEFT

IT'S A SIN TO BE WASTEFUL!

WELL, ANDY, I REALLY FEEL

THIS IS MATCHING THE MAN TO THE JOB.

GOOD.

I WAS IN THE COLDSTREAM GUARD, YOU KNOW.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

OH, YES. I WAS VALET TO THE COMMANDING OFFICER, OF COURSE.

MIND YOU, IF THERE'D BEEN ANY FIGHTING

YOU CAN BET A BOB I'D HAVE BEEN IN THE THICK OF IT.

'COURSE YOU WOULD, 'COURSE YOU WOULD.

HI, SHERIFF TAYLOR.

HI, SHERIFF TAYLOR.

OH, HI, BOYS. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

MR. MALCOLM MERRIWEATHER.

HE'S GOING TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE CROSSING.

HELLO, LADS.

Boys: HI.

NOW, MR. MERRIWEATHER'S A REAL EXPERT

AT THIS KIND OF THING

SO YOU DO EXACTLY AS HE SAYS, OKAY?

Boys: YES, SIR.

SEE, HE WAS WITH A VERY FAMOUS REGIMENT IN ENGLAND

CALLED THE COLDSTREAM GUARDS

SO YOU PAY CLOSE ATTENTION, RIGHT?

Boys: RIGHT.

RIGHT.

OKAY, MALCOLM, I GUESS THAT'S ABOUT IT.

OH.

RIGHT.

OKAY. BYE, BOYS.

Boys: BYE.

ALL RIGHT, LADS, NOW, YOU STAY THERE

WHILE I SEE IF THE ROAD IS CLEAR.

COME ON, MEN!

PROCEED IN CLOSE ORDER!

THAT MALCOLM'S REALLY SOMETHING.

HE'S A COLD-CREAM GUARD, YOU KNOW.

HE IS? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

YEAH, THEM COLD-CREAM GUARDS ARE FEARLESS.

THEY ARE?

MALCOLM'S SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT.

ALL THEM ENGLISH SURE ARE INTERESTING PEOPLE.

DID YOU KNOW CARY GRANT WAS ENGLISH?

HE WAS? HE WAS ENGLISH, HUH?

I DO A IMITATION OF HIM.

MALCOLM?

NO, CARY GRANT.

LISTEN.

JUDY, JUDY, JUDY.

CARY GRANT SAID THAT?

YEAH.

WHAT WAS HE DRIVING AT?

HE WASN'T DRIVING AT NOTHING.

THAT WAS A GIRL'S NAME IN A PICTURE-- JUDY.

OH, THAT'S A PRETTY NAME.

THAT'S A LOVELY NAME, YEAH.

MMM.

WHO IS THAT

THAT'S THE FELLER THAT TOOK YOUR JOB.

MALCOLM MERRIWEATHER.

THAT'S THE FELLER THAT TOOK MY JOB?

LOOKS LIKE A OCTOPUS.

CERTAINLY ENJOYING THIS POSITION

LOOKING AFTER ALL THE LOVELY CHILDREN.

SEEING THEY GET HOME SAFE

TO THEIR MOMMIES AND DADDIES.

OH, HELLO.

ANOTHER ONE OF MAYBERRY'S PROUD CITIZENS, I PRESUME.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE HAD

THE PLEASURE OF YOUR ACQUAINTANCE, OLD CHAP.

ENGLISH! YOU'RE ENGLISH!

I COULD TELL BY THE WAY YOU SLITHER THROUGH THEM WORDS.

NOTHING WRONG WITH A MAN BEING ENGLISH.

THEY IS IF'N YOU'RE IRISH.

MY PA AND MA WERE BOTH IRISH

AND THAT MAKES ME IRISH SINCE I SPRUNG OFF ON 'EM.

I AM THE PROUD PRODUCT OF THEIR MARITAL BLISS.

YOU ENGLISHTER.

YOU DONE TOOK MY JOB.

YOU RUINED MY MATRIMONY TO MY BELOVED ROMEENA.

YOU ENGLISHTER.

YOU LOW DOWN, ORNERY, NO GOOD, SKUNKY ENGLISHTER.

HEY, NOW, THAT'S BEING RATHER IMPOLITE.

I AM POLITE TO MY BESTERS, AND Y ARE MY WORSTERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

I AM GOING TO WHUP UP ON YOU.

NOW, LEAVE HIM ALONE, ERNEST T.!

ERNEST T.!

I'M GOING TO WHUP YOU!

COME ON, FIGHT!

LEAVE HIM ALONE, ERNEST T.

ERNEST T., GO ON HOME!

STOP THAT! STOP IT!

COME ON, COME ON.

COME ON AND FIGHT!

PUT UP YOUR KNUCKLES!

GET!

LOOK AT HIM! HE DON'T DO NOTHING.

HE JUST STAND THERE WHUPPIN' AT ME WITH HIS HAT.

COME ON, FIGHT, YOU!

I NEVER DID FIGHT NO MAN, BEAR, NOR MOUNTAIN LION

WHAT DIDN'T DEFEND HISSELF!

SEE HERE, NOW!

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU DON'T DEFEND YOURSELF

I'M GOING TO JUMP ON YOU.

I'M GOING TO GET UP HERE

AND I'M GOING TO LET YOU HAVE IT, NOW.

ONE, TWO, AND A THREE! HEY!

COME ON BACK HERE AND FIGHT, YOU!

I'M WARNING YOU!

TODAY IS THURSDAY.

IF YOU'RE STILL HERE ON...

WHAT'S THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY?

FRIDAY.

IF YOU'RE STILL HERE ON FRIDAY--

WHICH IS THE DAY AFTER THURSDAY--

I'M GOING TO WHUP THE FIRE OUT OF YOU!

YOU OUGHT TO HAVE SEEN IT, ANDY.

WELL, WHAT DID ERNEST T. DO?

HOLD IT, ANDY.

TIGHTEN THAT LOWER LIP.

THERE...

NOW, TRY AND MOVE IT AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

FEEL ALL RIGHT? MM-HMM.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD, 'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF TRICKY.

WHAT DID ERNEST T. DO?

MALCOLM WAS WALKING ACROSS THE STREET

LIKE A COLD-CREAM GUARD...

COLDSTREAM.

AND ERNEST T. CALLED HIM AN ENGLISHTER

AND TRIED TO FIGHT HIM RIGHT THERE.

TRIED TO FIGHT HIM?

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE'S ENGLISH.

WELL, ERNEST T. COULD KILL HIM. DID THEY FIGHT?

NO, BUT THE LAST THING ERNEST T. SAID WAS

IF HE'S IN TOWN TOMORROW, HE'S GOING TO WHUP HIM.

YOU THINK HE'LL GO OR YOU THINK HE'LL STAY?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK, ANDY?

HURRY UP, FLOYD.

Boy: ALL RIGHT, MEN

PROCEED IN CLOSE ORDER.

HEY, GOOBER?

GOOBER, MALCOLM IN THERE?

HEY, ANDY. YEAH.

HELLO, SHERIFF.

WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF DOING ON YOUR BICYCLE?

ARE YOU LEAVING TOWN OR SOMETHING?

WELL, IT HAD OCCURRED TO ME

BUT THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE OF PLAN.

I'M... I'M STAYING ON.

WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, MALCOLM.

I MIGHT HAVE TO DO A BIT OF FIGHTING

BUT IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, MALCOLM.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF ERNEST T. BASS.

NO, PLEASE. WE'VE ALREADY DISPATCHED A RUNNER TO THE HILLS

INFORMING HIM THAT I'M STAYING.

NOW, LISTEN...

IF HE WANTS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

I'M PREPARED TO GIVE HIM SATISFACTION AT NOON TOMORROW.

HE WANTS TO FIGHT IN BACK OF THE GARAGE.

NO FIGHTING.

NO FIGHTING. NO, ANDY, PLEASE

THIS WHOLE MATTER HAS BECOME RATHER IMPORTANT TO ME.

HE WANTS ME TO TRAIN HIM.

LISTEN, MALCOLM...

WHY, WITH ALL MY CYCLING, I'M AS FIT AS A FIDDLE.

JUST NEED A LITTLE BRUSHING UP ON ME TECHNIQUE, THAT'S ALL.

I'LL GO AND GET THE EQUIPMENT.

YOU DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND, MALCOLM

I CAN'T LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

ANDY...

THERE COMES A TIME WHEN A MAN HAS TO FIGHT

AND IF REMAINING IN MAYBERRY MEANS FIGHTING MR. BASS

THAT IS IT.

ERNEST T. WILL KILL HIM.

I'LL TEACH MALCOLM EVERYTHING I KNOW, ANDY.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO BE A BULLY WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

ERNEST T. WILL KILL HIM.

ERNEST T.!

ERNEST T. BASS!

HEY, QUIT THROWING ROCKS, ERNEST T.!

IT'S ME, SHERIFF TAYLOR!

COME ON UP, SHERIFF!

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE WIDOW BRADSHAW.

HOWDY, SHERIFF.

I'M IN TRAINING FOR THE FIGHT.

ERNEST T., I WANT YOU TO CALL OFF THIS FIGHT.

NOW, LOOK HERE, I AIN'T A-CALLIN' OFF NOTHIN'!

THAT ENGLISHTER HAS JUST ABOUT RUINED MY LIFE.

IF BY ANY CHANCE HE HAPPENS TO BE

BEHIND THAT GARAGE TOMORROW AT HIGH NOON--

WHICH I DO DOUBT-- I'M GOING TO FLING MYSELF AT HIM...

ALL 112 BEAUTIFUL POUNDS OF ME.

NOW, LISTEN, ERNEST T....

I ALREADY BEAT UP ON HIM

HERE ON THIS BAG FIVE TIMES ALREADY.

ERNEST T., QUIT A MINUTE!

SUPPOSE I WAS TO TELL YOU

THAT I WOULD JUST THROW YOU IN JAIL IF YOU DON'T BACK OFF.

WOULDN'T MAKE ME NO NEVER MIND.

I LIKES A LITTLE HIGH LIVING NOW AND AGAIN.

YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE THIS

BUT I HAPPEN TO BE NOTHING BUT A LITTLE OLD COUNTRY BOY.

SO I'D HAVE SOME SECOND THOUGHTS

ABOUT CALLING OFF THAT FIGHT.

SEEING'S THE WAY MALCOLM FEELS

I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN.

YOU'RE SWEET.

SHERIFF, YOU ARE SWEET.

NOW, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, THE IDEA WOULD BE

TO STRIKE HIM AT THE BASE OF THE CHIN, IF POSSIBLE.

NO, MALCOLM. IN THE MOUTH. RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

NOW, PUT YOUR LEFT OUT.

MALCOLM, THIS ONE -- YOUR LEFT.

YOUR RIGHT BACK.

NOW, I'M GONNA TRY TO HIT YOU, AND I WANT YOU TO BLOCK IT.

ALL RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW, HERE WE GO.

HERE IT COMES, NOW.

HOW WAS THAT?

OH, THAT'S GOOD, MALCOLM, REAL GOOD.

YOU'RE IMPROVING.

I DIDN'T HURT YOU, DID I?

NO. BUT, MALCOLM, THERE'S ONE LITTLE THING

YOU GOT TO REMEMBER.

WHEN YOU SEE THE RIGHT COMING AT YOU,

SHOVE IT OUT OF THE WAY.

OH, I SEE!

WHAT A CAPITAL IDEA! YES!

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ALL ARE HARD AT IT.

HOW'S IT COMING?

SMASHING, JUST SMASHING.

EH, GOOBER?

OH, YEAH, MALCOLM, UH, GOOD, REAL GOOD.

YOU BETTER GO SKIP SOME ROPE NOW.

RIGHT.

ANDY...

HOW'S IT COMING?

Goober: THAT'S THE WAY, MALCOLM.

HE'S GOING TO GET KILLED.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE TEACHING HIM.

I'D JUST AS SOON TEACH MY GRANDMA.

LOST A BIT OF ME RHYTHM.

I'M AFRAID HE'S GOING TO STRANGLE HIMSELF

BEFORE THE FIGHT.

UNTIE YOURSELF, MALCOLM.

WORK ON THE PUNCHING BAG.

HE'S GOING TO GET KILLED.

WELL, ANDY, ALL I CAN SAY IS

IF THIS FIGHT GOES ON TOMORROW

MALCOLM MAY NOT GET KILLED

BUT HE'S SURE EVER MORE GONNA GET BRUISED.

IT'S A CRIME, IT'S JUST A CRIME.

I HOPE MALCOLM DON'T SHOW UP.

YEAH.

MAYBE HE WON'T.

IT'D BE THE BEST THING

BUT... IT'S 12:00.

MALCOLM, DON'T COME THROUGH THAT GATE.

PLEASE DON'T COME THROUGH THAT GATE.

GENTLEMEN.

MALCOLM, I CAN'T LET YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

STAND BACK. THE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN MADE

AND HAS BEEN ACCEPTED.

MALCOLM, DO YOU REMEMBER EVERYTHING I TOLD YOU?

I THINK SO, YES.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, THE MAIN THING TO DO IS RETREAT

AND KEEP RETREATING, AND IF HE COMES NEAR YOU

RETREAT SOME MORE... AND KEEP YOUR FACE COVERED.

KEEP EVERYTHING COVERED.

JUST RETREAT AND STAY COVERED.

I BROUGHT THIS TOWEL OVER FROM THE SHOP.

I'D LIKE TO THROW IT IN BEFORE THE FIGHT STARTS.

UH... PAINKILLERS.

WRONG OR RIGHT, I'M HERE TO FIGHT

UNLESS YOU RUN AWAY WITH FRIGHT.

AND IF YOU WONDER WHO I BE

IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S ERNEST T.

YEE!

I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME

IF YOU GO THROUGH WITH THIS

I'M GOING TO THROW YOU IN JAIL.

I DON'T CARE, SHERIFF. I DON'T CARE.

LIKE I JUST TOLD YOU, I DO NOT CARE.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT HIM?

BECAUSE HE IS AN ENGLISHTER, AND HENCE-- I HATES HIM.

WHY DO YOU HATE HIM BECAUSE HE'S AN ENGLISHTER?

BECAUSE I AM IRISH, AND MY MOMMY TOLD ME

AS AN IRISHMAN, I HAVE TO HATE ALL ENGLISHTERS.

NOW, I ALWAYS DO WHAT MY MOMMY TELLS ME.

'SIDES THAT, HE TOOK MY JOB

AND HE RUINED MY MATRIMONIAL PLANS WITH MY BELOVED ROMEENA.

HENCE-- I HATES HIM.

NOW, IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I REQUIRES NOT TO SOIL MY VEST.

WHEN DO I SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM?

OH, YOU DON'T SHAKE HANDS.

YOU JUST KEEP COVERED AND RETREAT.

WELL, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GO AT IT

HADN'T YOU, ERNEST T.?

RIGHT.

IT'S GOING TO BE FUN SEEING TWO IRISHMEN FIGHTING.

BEEN HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE WITH MY HEARING LATELY.

WHAT WAS THAT YOU JUST SAID?

I SAID IT'S GOING TO BE FUN SEEING TWO IRISHMEN FIGHTING.

WHO'S T'OTHER ONE?

WHY, MALCOLM.

DIDN'T YOU KNOW HIS MOTHER'S IRISH?

MALCOLM? YEAH.

HIS MOTHER'S IRISH?

UH-HUH. FROM COUNTY CORK.

COUNTY CORK?

YEAH.

WELL, NEVER LET IT BE SAID

THAT ERNEST T. BASS EVER SPILLED A DROP OF IRISH BLOOD.

NOT ONE DROP OF IRISH BLOOD

WILL ERNEST T. BASS EVER BE ACCUSED OF SPILLING.

MALCOLM, I AIN'T GONNA TOUCH A HAIR ON YOUR HEAD.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND, MY TRUE FRIEND.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU DID TAKE MY JOB AWAY FROM ME

AND RUIN MY MATRIMONIAL CHANCES WITH MY BELOVED ROMEENA.

YOU'RE MY FRIEND, MALCOLM... MY BOSOM PAL!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

YOU KNOW, I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND

HE SUDDEN CHANGE IN ATTITUDE.

WELL, IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, I GUESS, MALCOLM.

POSSIBLY, HE REALIZED AT THE LAST MOMENT

HE WAS ABOUT TO MEET HIS MATCH, EH?

THAT COULD BE IT.

I SEE YOU. YOU CAN'T SEE ME.

PEEK-A-BEE, IT'S ERNEST T.

HOWDY SHERIFF.

HOWDY...BOSOM PAL.

NICE TO SEE YOU, ERNEST.

I DROPPED BY TO INVITE YOU UP TO MY CAVE TO EAT --

GOT SOME POSSUM STEAKS -- NICE AND TENDER.

BEEN BEATING AT 'EM WITH A STICK!

CERTAINLY KIND OF YOU.

AIN'T NOTHIN' TOO GOOD FOR MY BOSOM PAL.

SO GRACIOUS.

SAY, TELL ME A THING, WILL YOU?

JUST WHAT PART OF COUNTY CORK IS YOUR MOMMY FROM?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

I SAY, WHAT PART OF COUNTY CORK IS YOUR MOMMY FROM?

SHE'S NOT FROM COUNTY CORK, ERNEST T.

SHE'S FROM RIGHT NEAR THERE.

NO, NO, NO.

MOTHER WAS BORN TWO BLOCKS OFF PICCADILLY CIRCUS,

RIGHT IN THE HEART OF LONDON.

LONDON.

THEN YOUR MAMA AIN'T IRISH?

Malcolm: GOOD HEAVENS, NO.

THEN YOU ARE A FULL-BLOODED ENGLISHTER!

ERNEST T.! ERNEST T.!