Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNY HOWARD...

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

SOMETHIN' BOTHERING YOU?

OHH, I DON'T KNOW.

JUST WONDERING WHERE WE'RE GONNA EAT LUNCH.

OH.

WHAT ABOUT THE DINER?

I CHECKED THE SPECIAL ON THE WAY IN --

CHICKEN WINGS, RICE, AND MIXED VEGETABLES.

THAT DON'T SOUND BAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DOES.

SHE GIVES YOU TWO WINGS,

AND USUALLY FROM A CHICKEN THAT'S DONE A LOT OF FLYING.

WHAT YOU WIND UP PAYING FOR

IS THE RICE AND THE MIXED VEGETABLES.

THAT'S WHAT IT BOILS DOWN TO. MIGHT AS WELL FACE IT.

WELL, WE DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THE SPECIAL.

I GUESS WE DON'T HAVE TO.

DINER, THEN? OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHO'S BACK IN TOWN, DON'T YOU?

ERNEST T. BASS, YOU COME IN HERE!

HOWDY-DO, TO YOU AND YOU.

IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S ERNEST T.

ERNEST T., HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU

YOU CAN'T GO AROUND BREAKING WINDOWS?

IT'S AGAINST THE LAW!

LET'S LOCK HIM UP!

LET GO OF ME!

SHERIFF, TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HANDS OFF ME.

TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF HIM, BARNEY.

ERNEST T., WINDOWS COST MONEY!

WELL, I'M FIXIN' ON PAYING FOR THAT, SHERIFF.

WELL, WHAT'D YOU BREAK IT FOR?

I'LL 'SPLAIN IT TO YOU.

WHAT IS THAT?

JUST ROCKS. LOOK AT 'EM, HUH?

AIN'T THEY BEAUTIES?

BEST BUNCH OF ROCKS I EVER DID BRING INTO TOWN.

WELL, I'LL JUST CONFISCATE...

YOU LET GO OF MY ROCKS!

ERNEST T.!

LET ME 'SPLAIN MY PLAN TO YOU.

WELL, IT BETTER BE GOOD, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

YOU... YOU REMEMBER ROMENA?

YES.

WELL, I BEEN COURTING WITH HER.

I HEARD YOU'D BEEN OVER THERE.

WHAT ABOUT THE ROCKS?

I'LL GET TO THAT. I'LL GET TO THAT.

NOW T'OTHER NIGHT

I FIGURED IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO GO ON OVER TO ROMENA'S HOUSE

AND LAY DOWN MY INTENTION TO GET BETROTHIN' TO HER.

YES.

TURNED ME DOWN.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

TURNED ME DOWN!

AND AFTER ALL THE TROUBLE I WENT TO

TO MAKE MYSELF DELIGHTFUL FOR HER AND ATTRACTIVE.

HERE, LOOKIT HERE.

A GOLD TOOTH?

CATCHES THE GLARE AS MY MOUTH KICKED OPEN.

YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY FLASHY, ERNEST T., PRETTY FLASHY.

DENTIST DIDN'T DO IT, YOU KNOW.

HAD IT DID AT THE SIGN COMPANY. GOLD LEAF, THEY CALL IT.

WHAT ABOUT THE ROCKS?

GOLD TOOTH FOR A DOLLAR -- YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE ROCKS?!

WILL YOU ASK HIM TO HUSH?

HUSH, BARNEY. GO AHEAD.

NOW, I DONE ALL THAT

FOR MY BELOVED ROMENA.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I DONE?

LOOKIT HERE.

SHAVED THE BACK OF MY NECK. HUH

YEAH, THAT'S NICE, ERNEST T. THAT'S NICE, THAT'S NICE.

SHE TURNED YOU DOWN?

COLD. DIDN'T WANT THAT. MNH-MNH.

WANTED SOMETHING ELSE. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE WANTED?

WANTED FOR ME TO GET AN EDUCATION.

SAID I HAD NO BOOK LEARNING.

I HAD TO LEARN TO READ AND WRITE.

I NEVER KNEW A MAN WHAT COULD CHUNK A COW

ACROSS HIS SHOULDERS HAD TO.

AIN'T THE SAME THING, ERNEST T.

I LOVE THAT ROMENA, SHERIFF.

BETTER'N MY COW.

BETTER'N MY .22 REPEATER.

I MUST TO HAVE HER.

WHAT ABOUT THESE COTTON!

I'M GETTING TO THAT!

SHERIFF...

I WANT YOU TO HELP ME GET SOME SCHOOLING.

LEARN ME TO READ AND WRITE

AND TOTE UP MY CIPHERS.

AND THEN NEXT WEEK

I'LL GO ON BACK AND PLEDGE MY TROTH

AND GET BETROTHIN' TO ROMENA.

IT DON'T WORK THAT WAY, ERNEST T.

IT DON'T WORK THAT WAY AT ALL.

YOU CAN'T GET AN EDUCATION IN A WEEK.

I CAN'T?

NO! AN EDUCATION IS A LONG, TOUGH JOB.

THEN HERE'S THE ANSWER ABOUT THEM ROCKS, DEPUTY.

IF'N I DON'T GET THAT EDUCATION

I'M GOING TO BUST EVERY WINDOW IN TOWN.

OH, NO, YOU AIN'T!

HOLD IT!

NOW, YOU AIN'T GOING TO BUST NO WINDOWS.

MM-MM.

THE FIRST ROCK YOU THROW

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU UNDER THE JAIL!

ARE YOU SERIOUS ABOUT THIS EDUCATION BUSINESS?

'COURSE I AM.

I WOULDN'T FUN ABOUT A THING LIKE THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

WELL, I GUESS ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

SHERIFF, I ALREADY KNOW

THE WHOLE FRONT PART OF THE ALPHABET.

A-B-C-F-L-G AND A LOT OF OTHER LETTERS

BUT NOT IN A ROW LIKE THAT.

AND?

YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT GETTING MIXED UP WITH HIM AGAIN, ARE YOU?

WELL, BARN... A MAN BREAKS A WINDOW IN THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE

AND YOU'RE GOING TO HELP HIM?

MAYBE THIS IS A WAY TO GET HIM TO STOP BREAKING WINDOWS.

OH, BOY. AND YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE ON THE JOB

OF TRYING TO EDUCATE HIM?

HE LOOKS LIKE HE WANTS TO LEARN.

BUT, ANDY, MY CLASS IS THE FIFTH GRADE.

I THOUGHT IF WE'D PUT HIM IN WITH THE BIGGER KIDS

HE WOULDN'T LOOK SO OUT OF PLACE.

BUT HE'D NEED SPECIAL ATTENTION.

SURE, HE WILL,

AND I'M PLANNING ON HELPING HIM

WITH HIS HOMEWORK.

IT'S WORTH A TRY, HELEN.

IT'S REALLY WORTH A TRY.

HE MIGHT EVEN BE AN INSPIRATION TO THE OTHERS.

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

THEY MAY REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT

AN EDUCATION CAN BE TO A PERSON.

A FULL-GROWN MAN SEEING THE NEED

AND TRYING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE.

YOU'LL TAKE HIM THEN?

OH, ALL RIGHT, ANDY.

I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO THE PRINCIPAL,

AND MR. BASS CAN START RIGHT AFTER LUNCH.

YOU'RE A FINE PUBLIC SERVANT, YOU KNOW THAT?

ALL RIGHT.

"THE POSSUM HID UNDER THE ROCK."

WHO CAN BREAK THIS DOWN

AND POINT OUT THE PREPOSITION, THE OBJECT, THE SUBJECT,

AND THE VERB?

WHY DON'T WE BREAK DOWN THAT ROCK

AND FIND OUT WHAT THAT POSSUM'S DOING IN UNDER THERE?

MR. BASS, WE'LL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE.

SHARON?

NO LITTLE GIRL GONNA TELL YOU NOTHING

ABOUT A POSSUM UNDER A ROCK.

TO FIND OUT ABOUT A POSSUM UNDER A ROCK,

YOU FIND A BOY WITH DIRT UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS.

YOU FIND A BOY WITH DIRT UNDER HIS FINGERNAILS,

YOU'LL FIND A BOY THAT'S BEEN ROOTING AROUND UNDER A ROCK FOR POSSUM.

MR. BASS, IN THIS CLASS, WE DO THINGS BY TURNS.

NOW, EACH CHILD HAS HIS TURN TO EXPRESS HIMSELF.

RIGHT NOW, IT'S SHARON'S TURN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, MA'AM.

I SPEAK WHEN IT'S MY TURN TO SPEAK.

CORRECT. SHARON?

AND WHEN MY TURN COMES, I'LL SET YOU RIGHT

ABOUT HOW TO FIND A POSSUM UNDER A ROCK.

YOU CAN GO ABOUT IT TWO WAYS:

YOU LIGHT A FIRE, OR YOU JAB AT IT WITH A POINTY STICK.

THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH.

LIGHT THE FIRE, SMOKE HIM OUT. JAB HIM WITH THAT STICK GOOD!

MR. BASS, THAT WAS RUDE.

WELL, THANK YOU.

I GOT A RUDE.

I BET YOU AIN'T NEVER GOT NO RUDE.

PLEASE BE QUIET.

GO AHEAD, SHARON.

THE SUBJECT IS "POSSUM."

"HID" IS THE VERB.

"UNDER" THE PREPOSITION.

A SMART DOG WILL ROOT HIM OUT

IF YOU AIN'T GOT FIRE OR A STICK.

MR. BASS, THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH!

WHEN MY TURN COMES.

I DON'T LIKE HER, SHERIFF.

I DON'T LIKE HER.

SHE AIN'T TEACHING ME NOTHING.

WELL...

I TRIED TO TELL HER ABOUT A POSSUM.

SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN.

NOW THERE AIN'T NOBODY

CAN SAY MORE ABOUT A POSSUM THAN I CAN.

AFTER ALL, I LIVED SIX MONTHS WITH A POSSUM

AND A RACCOON, TOO.

YOU LIVED WITH A POSSUM AND A RACCOON?

SURE. THAT'S WHERE I LEARNED TO WASH MY FOOD BEFORE I EAT IT.

OH.

WELL, ERNEST T., YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

THERE'S A LOT MORE TO TEACHING

THAN SEEMS ON THE SURFACE.

MISS CRUMP'S A FINE TEACHER.

A VERY FINE TEACHER.

THEN WHY DIDN'T SHE LET ME SAY ABOUT THE POSSUM?

ASK ABOUT A POSSUM, DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT A POSSUM.

TELL HER HOW TO FIND ONE,

SHE DON'T WANT TO FIND ONE.

NOW LOOK, ERNEST T....

I FOUND IT, PA!

WHAT IS IT?

THIS IS OPIE'S OLD FIRST-GRADE READER.

I THOUGHT WE'D DO A LITTLE HOMEWORK.

MAYBE HELP YOU ALONG A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.

YOU SWEET MAN.

YOU SWEET MAN.

I DECLARE, I THINK I'M ABOUT TO CRY.

ERNEST T., DON'T DO THAT.

WELL, WHEN YOU'RE NO ACCOUNT

YOU APPRECIATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY'S NICE TO YOU.

NOW, YOU'RE NOT NO ACCOUNT, ERNEST T.

YOU'RE NOT NO ACCOUNT.

YOU'RE JUST...IGNORANT.

YOU'RE JUST BEING NICE.

WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE BOOK.

YEAH, LET IT GO. LET IT GO.

OH, I KNOW THAT WORD.

CAT.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T KNOW THAT

'CAUSE THERE'S A PICTURE OF A CAT THERE?

WHY, NO.

HERE, NOW, COVER IT UP WITH YOUR HAND.

CAT.

TURN TO A PAGE WITHOUT ANY PICTURES.

YOU HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS, HEAR, SON?

NOW, ERNEST T., OPIE'S JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT, TOO.

WELL, I TAKE OFF MY HUMBLE HAT TO YOU, BOY.

OPE, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO ON TO BED

AND LET ME AND ERNEST T. BASS WORK TOGETHER?

OKAY. NIGHT, PA. NIGHT.

NIGHT, ERNEST T. BASS.

NIGHT, OPIE TAYLOR.

DOG.

TRESPASSING.

VERY GOOD.

VERY GOOD.

HOW MANY WORDS DO YOU KNOW ALTOGETHER?

YOU MEAN SIGHTWISE?

YEAH.

LET ME SEE, UH...

UM, BEWARE OF THE DOG.

UH...NO HUNTING.

NO TRESPASSING, UH...

UH...OPEN AND CLOSE!

OPEN AND CLOSE?

BARBERSHOP.

OH.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT AS IGNORANT

AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

WELL...

NO, NO. YOU'RE DOING REAL GOOD.

NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU HERE. NOW, LOOK.

HERE, UM...NOW HERE.

I'LL COVER UP THE I-N-G IN "HUNTING."

YOU'RE GOING GO COVER IT UP?

COVER IT UP WITH MY HAND.

NOW WHAT DO YOU GOT? UM...HUNTING!

NO, NO. DON'T SAY WHAT'S UNDER MY HAND.

DON'T SAY THAT PART?

DON'T SAY THAT. NOW, WHAT DO YOU GOT?

HUNT. THAT'S IT.

HUNT.

YOU'VE LEARNED A NEW WORD THAT YOU CAN READ.

HUNT!

YEAH!

LET'S PUT TOGETHER THE WORDS YOU CAN READ,

AND WE CAN MAKE A SENTENCE.

LET ME MAKE A SENTENCE.

NO HUNT BEWARE OPEN AND CLOSE NO CREDIT.

NO HUNT BEWARE OPEN AND CLOSE NO CREDIT?

WELL...

HUNT!

NOW, CHILDREN, OPEN YOUR ARITHMETIC BOOKS

TO TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT...

NO HUNT BEWARE OPEN AND CLOSE NO CREDIT.

THAT'S A SENTENCE I LEARNED LAST NIGHT.

I LEARNED HOW TO WRITE IT, TOO.

THAT'S VERY GOOD. WE'LL DISCUSS THAT IN ENGLISH CLASS.

WE'RE ABOUT TO DO ARITHMETIC.

YOU ALWAYS WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE

JUST WHEN I WANT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT NOW.

I WANT TO WRITE MY SENTENCE.

LATER! JUST TAKE YOUR SEAT NOW.

ALL RIGHT, CLASS, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO DO NINES IN MULTIPLICATION.

NINES! NINES!

WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO NINES IN MULTIPLICATION?

I WANT TO DO MY SENTENCE!

CAN'T DO NINES.

THAT WILL DO, MR. BASS!

OPIE, SUPPOSE YOU COME TO THE BOARD

AND DO OUR NINES FOR US.

YES, MA'AM.

NINES, NINES, NINES.

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT NINES?

MR. BASS!

9 X 1

IS 9.

9 X 2

IS, UH...

TOO DOGGONE MUCH!

MY TURN! MY TURN!

MR. BASS, YOU RETURN TO YOUR SEAT RIGHT NOW!

TEACHING TAKES TOO LONG. ROMENA WON'T WAIT.

GIVE ME THAT CHALK.

UH-UH. OPEN THAT HAND.

MM-MM. OPEN IT.

I WANT TO WRITE MY SENTENCE.

MR. BASS, YOU ARE A GROWN MAN

AND YOU'RE FORCING ME TO TAKE MEASURES

I HAVE NEVER TAKEN WITH MY PUPILS BEFORE.

NOW, RETURN TO YOUR SEAT.

YES, MA'AM.

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING BEFORE I GO?

WHAT IS IT?

I LOVE YOU.

MISS CRUMP!

MISS CRUMP, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

I'M GONNA THROW A ROCK IN THROUGH YOUR WINDOW

WITH A NOTE ATTACHED ONTO IT.

THE NOTE SAY, "I LOVE YOU"!

READ IT!

NOW, WHY DON'T YOU SCRIBBLE A LOVE NOTE TO ME?!

THROW IT ON BACK OUT AT ME HERE!

ERNEST T.?

I TOLD YOU WHAT I WAS GONNA DO IF YOU THROW ANY MORE ROCKS.

LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF.

MISS CRUMP, I GOT GO OFF TO THE LOCKUP NOW

BUT I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

ALL RIGHT, SHERIFF, I'M COMING.

GOOD NIGHT, MISS CRUMP!

GOOD NIGHT. I LOVE YOU, MISS CRUMP!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I...

HE JUST ABOUT DROVE ME CRAZY LAST NIGHT,

STANDING OUT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE

SCREAMING HE LOVES ME.

HE WON'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE.

WE GOT HIM LOCKED UP NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SLAPPED HIM IN THE OLD TIN BOX.

THAT'LL COOL HIM OFF.

I SUPPOSE HE'S A GOOD SOUL.

IT'S JUST THAT HE'S A LITTLE STRANGE.

STRANGE?

HE'S A FIRST-RATE, GRADE-A, NUMBER-ONE NUT.

HE SHOULD'VE BEEN IN THE LAUGHING ACADEMY YEARS AGO.

HE'S MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS

SINCE THE LAST TIME HE WAS IN TOWN.

HE SHAVED THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THAT?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MINUTE?

I HAVE TO TAKE THIS TO THE PRINCIPAL.

BE RIGHT BACK, ANDY.

LOOK, ANDY,

A SENSITIVE, DELICATE SITUATION LIKE THIS

HAS GOT TO BE HANDLED A CERTAIN WAY.

WHY DON'T I TAKE HIM IN BACK OF THE JAILHOUSE

AND KICK HIM AROUND A LITTLE BIT?

HE'D KILL YA.

YOU KNOW A STRANGE THING ABOUT IT, BARN?

STRANGE THING --

HE WAITED TILL SHE HIT HIM WITH A RULER

AND THEN HE DECIDED HE LOVED HER.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'?

THIS WHOLE THING IS PSYCHOLOGICAL.

LOVE AND PUNISHMENT.

PUNISHMENT AND LOVE.

WELL, DON'T YOU GET IT?

THAT ALL SAYS JUST ONE THING.

WHAT?

IT'S THE OLD MOTHER FIGURE BIT --

HE LOVES HER LIKE A MOTHER.

SIGMUND "FROOD" WROTE A LOT ABOUT THAT.

HEY, BARN, I THINK YOU'VE HIT ON SOMETHING.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE'S DOING --

HE'S IDENTIFYING HELEN WITH HIS MOTHER.

YEAH.

THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

OLD SIG HAD THIS THING PEGGED YEARS AGO.

I'LL BE DOGGED, BARN, I BELIEVE YOU'VE GOT IT.

WELL, OF COURSE I GOT IT.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

'COURSE, GETTING HIM TO UNDERSTAND IT,

NOW, THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

I STILL SAY A GOOD BATTIN' AROUND

WOULD BE THE ONLY REAL ANSWER.

HE'D KILL YA.

WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS, SHERIFF?

ERNEST T. BASS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HOW'D YOU GET OUT OF JAIL?

IRRITATIN', AIN'T IT?

YES! YOU GOT TO STOP THAT.

YOU GOT TO QUIT THROWING ROCKS

AND QUIT RUNNING AROUND AFTER MISS CRUMP.

DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MISS CRUMP.

I LOVE HER, SHERIFF.

I FELT A SHARPNESS IN MY CHEST,

AND I KNOWED I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

I COULDN'T RESIST MYSELF.

YEAH.

SHE'S A SWEET, PRETTY GIRL, AND A LOT OF US LIKE HER.

SAY...

SHE IS YOUR SWEETHEART, AIN'T SHE?

WELL, YES, WE DO KIND OF SEE ONE ANOTHER

ON A REGULAR BASIS.

I'M SORRY, SHERIFF.

I-I WOULDN'T CUT YOU OUT FOR NOTHING,

BUT I-I LOVE HER.

I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

I-I JUST PLUMB LOVE HER.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT RAMONA?

I LOVE HER, TOO.

I'M SPLIT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE

TWIXT THEM TWO LOVES.

MUSKRAT'S GOT THE RIGHT IDEA.

POKE HIS HEAD OUT OF A HOLE, GRAB THE FIRST FEMALE COME BY,

MARRY UP WITH HER, LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

MUSKRAT DOES. THAT'S WHAT HE DOES.

ERNEST T.?

HMM?

CAN I ASK YA A PERSONAL QUESTION?

I'M YOUR SLAVE.

DID, UH, DID YOUR MOTHER EVER HIT YOU?

OH, YEAH.

SHE WAS WONDERFUL.

DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

ALL THE FEELING YOU HAD FOR YOUR MOTHER

CAME BACK WHEN MISS CRUMP HIT YOU WITH THAT RULER.

IT DID?

YEAH. SEE, YOU'RE PUTTING MISS CRUMP

IN YOUR MOTHER'S PLACE.

RAMONA'S YOUR TRUE LOVE.

MISS CRUMP IS JUST WHAT YOU'D CALL...

YOUR MOTHER FIGURE.

MY MOTHER FIGURE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

MOTHER FIGURE...

ALL MINE

ALL YOURS, NOBODY ELSTE'S.

MY MOTHER FIGURE.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?

YOU CLEARED UP THE WHOLE THING.

SHERIFF, YOU'RE A WONDERFUL PERSON.

THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU CARE TO BE MY BROTHER FIGURE?

WELL...

I'LL HELP YOU, MA'AM. I'LL HELP YOU!

OH, NO, NO, REALLY. THANK YOU, I CAN MANAGE.

BUT A GOOD SON IS SUPPOSED TO HELP HIS MOTHER FIGURE.

OH, ANDY, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

HELLO, MR. SCHWAMP.

COME ON IN THE OFFICE.

EXCUSE US, MR. SCHWAMP.

KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MOTHER FIGURE,

BROTHER FIGURE!

ERNEST!

GET OFF ME, ERNEST.

SHE'S MY MOTHER FIGURE!

I GOT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.

CAN'T PUT HIM IN JAIL -- HE KEEPS BREAKING OUT.

I CAN'T MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND HE'S GOT TO LEAVE HELEN ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM.

WELL, YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME.

YOU WON'T LISTEN TO YOUR OLD DAD.

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF KARATE CHOPS,

FLIP HIM INTO A CORNER, AND HE'D GET UP

AND HEAD BACK FOR THE MOUNTAINS NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN.

HE'D KILL YA.

WELL...

THE EASIEST WAY'S TO SATISFY HIM.

HE WANTS AN EDUCATION, WE'LL GIVE HIM AN EDUCATION.

WE'LL FIX HIM UP WITH A DIPLOMA AND EVERYTHING.

I STILL SAY FIVE MINUTES BEHIND THE BARN.

HE'D KILL YOU.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, ERNEST T.,

THERE'S FOUR SUBJECTS WE'RE GONNA COVER.

FOUR SUBJECTS.

YOU LISTEN CAREFUL, AND I'LL TEACH YOU THE ANSWERS.

PUT THAT DOWN.

WE'RE GONNA START WITH GEOGRAPHY.

GEOGRAPHY.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, HERE...

HERE IS A MAP OF THE UNITED STATES.

UNITED STATES. THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, THE UNITED STATES IS BOUNDED ON THE NORTH

BY CANADA,

ON THE SOUTH, BY MEXICO,

ON THE EAST, BY THE ATLANTIC OCEAN,

AND ON THE WEST, BY, UH...

WOULD, UH, WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT?

WEST, WEST...

OLD MAN KELSEY'S WOODS.

NO, NO, NO.

ALL THE WAY TO THE EDGE, A BIG BODY OF WATER.

OLD MAN KELSEY'S CRICK.

AN OCEAN.

OLD MAN KELSEY'S OCEAN.

PACIFIC OCEAN.

PACIFIC OCEAN.

VERY GOOD.

I SURE KNOW MY BOUNDARIES GOOD.

YA SURE DO.

JUST AS LONG AS THEY DON'T CHANGE 'EM

'FORE I TAKE MY TEST.

R-READY FOR THE TEST.

ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS. WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW?

GEOGRAPHY, 'RITHMETIC, BOUNDARIES?

JUST SET DOWN RIGHT OVER THERE, ERNEST T.

ANDY THIS WHOLE THING'S A JOKE --

THIS ISN'T A TEST AT ALL.

JUST ASK HIM SOME QUESTIONS.

WE'LL GIVE HIM THE DIPLOMA.

BUT, ANDY...

EITHER THAT OR HAVE HIM AROUND A FEW MORE YEARS.

GEOGRAPHY BOUNDARIES:

MEXICO, CANADA, ATLANTIC OCEAN, PACIFIC OCEAN,

KELSEY'S WOODS, KELSEY'S CRICK, KELSEY'S OCEAN.

HE-HE PASSED GEOGRAPHY.

ARITHMETIC.

'RITHMETIC: TWO AND TWO.

FOUR.

WAIT A MINUTE, LET ME DO YOU A REAL HARD ONE.

UH, LEMME SEE, UH...

25 AND 25.

UH...

50.

VERY GOOD, ERNEST T.

VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD.

NOW, COME OVER HERE AND GET YOUR DIPLOMA.

CAN'T I GO SLICK DOWN FIRST SO I LOOK GOOD?

OKAY, GO SLICK DOWN.

ANDY, THIS IS A FARCE.

HIS DIPLOMA JUST SAYS THAT HE KNOWS THE BOUNDARIES

OF THE UNITED STATES,

SOME ARITHMETIC, AND HE CAN READ AND WRITE A LITTLE.

NOW, PRESENT IT TO HIM.

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

HUSH. COME ON, ERNEST T., GET YOUR DIPLOMA.

THIS IS TO CERTIFY

THAT ERNEST T. BASS HAS ACHIEVED A SPECIAL AWARD

FOR LEARNING...

FOR LEARNING.

HERE.

WELL, YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED, ERNEST T.

YOU GOT YOUR DIPLOMA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?

I'M GONNA TAKE IT OVER TO ROMENA

AND SHOW IT TO HER.

IT'S WHAT SHE WANTED.

AND THEN I'M GONNA COURT HER.

I'M PROUD.

I AM SO PROUD.

THANK YOU, SHERIFF.

DEPUTY.

MOST OF ALL, I...

I WANT TO THANK MY MOTHER FIGURE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HMM? OHH...

WELL, IT'S GETTING ALONG ABOUT THAT TIME AGAIN.

LUNCH? YEAH.

DINER AGAIN?

WANT TO GO TO THE DRUGSTORE,

HAVE A TUNA SANDWICH AND MILKSHAKE?

I DON'T LIKE TO EAT AT THE DRUGSTORE.

EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE MEDICINE.

DINER, THEN?

OKAY.

LET ME JUST FINISH THIS.

WONDER HOW OLD ERNEST T. BASS MADE OUT OVER AT RAMONA'S.

OH, YEAH. NOW THAT HE'S EDUCATED, HUH?

YEAH.

GUESS EVERYTHING TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT,

OR WE'D HAVE HEARD FROM HIM.

YEAH, I GUESS.

YEAH.

YEAH, I GUESS IT WORKED OUT.

YEP.

FIVE MINUTES BEHIND THE BARN?

HE'D KILL YA.