All language subtitles for The Goodbye Girl (1977) 1080p H.264 (moviesbyrizzo)

HERE'S OUR STOP.
COME ON.

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK:
CALIFORNIA.

YOU EXCITED?

UH-HUH.

ME, TOO. I CA♪♪T WAIT.

WERE YOU EVER THERE?

ONCE, FOR SIX WEEKS,

TOURING WITH
SOME MUSICAL.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER
WE WENT SWIMMING.

WHICH MUSICAL?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU
HOW BEAUTIFUL IT'S GOING TO BE.

WE'LL FIND A HOUSE
IN THE HILLS.

NEAR THE MOVIE
STUDIOS?

YES. YOUR WINDOW WILL
FACE WARNER BROTHERS.

YOU CAN WATCH THEM BLOW UP
THE WORLD FROM YOUR BED.

CAN YOU IMAGINE
YOUR VERY OWN ORANGE TREE?

THE MUSICAL WAS
FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

I WAS 4 1/2.

YOU WERE
NEVER 4 1/2.

YOU WERE BORN 26.

WILL I BE
IN THE SAME GRADE?

OF COURSE.

EVERYTHING'S THE SAME THERE,
ONLY IT'S THREE HOURS EARLIER.

YOU'LL GRADUATE YOUNGER.

A GIRL I KNOW FROM CALIFORNIA
KNOWS HELEN REDDY'S DAUGHTER.

AFTER THIS PICTURE,
THEY'LL SAY,

THERE GOES TONY
DeFOREST'S DAUGHTER.

BUT HE'S NOT A STAR.
HE'S JUST AN ACTOR.

STARS HAVE TO BE
ACTORS FIRST.

HE'S NOT MY FATHER.

YOU'RE SUCH A STICKLER
FOR DETAILS.

CAN I SHOW TONY MY THINGS?

LATER. YOU HAVE HOMEWORK.

WE'RE MOVING
IN FOUR DAYS.

SUPPOSE BETWEEN NOW AND FRIDAY,

THEY TEACH BRAIN SURGERY.

WOULD♪♪T WANT YOU TO MISS IT.

WE HAD IT LAST WEEK
IN SCIENCE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

DUMB. YOU'RE DUMB.

I THOUGHT MAYBE
IN FROG DISSECTION.

CAN I JUST SHOW HIM
MY NEW SWEATER?

OH, ALRIGHT.

BUT WASH YOUR FACE AND BRUSH
YOUR HAIR AND NO MAKE-UP.

TONY!
SWEETHEART?

YOU IN THE BATHROOM?

HEY, WE CLEANED OUT ALEXANDER'S!

WE BOUGHT EVERYTHING
ON SALE.

YOU BETTER LIKE IT
BECAUSE WE CA♪♪T EXCHANGE IT.

I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT.

BABE?

COME OUT AND SEE.

BABE?

TONY?

OH.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE'S...GONE.

HE LEFT WITHOUT US.

FOR CALIFORNIA?

FOR ITALY.

HUH? CAN I READ IT?

"DEAR PAULA, THIS IS♪♪T
AN EASY LETTER TO WRITE."

IT DOES♪♪T
START OFF TOO GOOD.

"WHERE IN THE HELL
DO I BEGIN?

YOU AND THE KID
MEAN A LOT TO ME."

THE KID?

"I TURNED DOWN THE JOB IN
L.A. IT WAS A LOUSY TV PICTURE.

"ON MONDAY,
STAN FIELDS CALLED.

"I GOT THE BERTO..

BERTOLUCCI.

"BERTOLUCCl PICTURE.

WHO'S BERTOLUCCI?

AN ITALIAN DIRECTOR.

WHAT DID HE DIRECT?

WHAT ARE YOU ASKING
QUESTIONS LIKE THAT NOW FOR?

"IT'S SIX MONTHS' SHOOTING
IN SPAIN AND ITALY.

"IT'S A HELL OF A PART,
I WANT IT. I BROKE MY ASS--

AH! GIVE ME THAT.

ASS. HEARD THE WORD BEFORE.

"I BROKE MY ASS
FOR 12 YEARS.

"THINGS ARE FINALLY
BEGINNING TO BREAK FOR ME.

"I TOLD YOU WHEN WE
FIRST MOVED IN HERE,

"THAT IT WAS NEVER
GOING TO BE PERMANENT.

CHRIST. I'M NOT EVEN
DIVORCED FROM PATTY YET."

WHO'S PATTY?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER.

NO, YOU DID♪♪T.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU'D
BE UPSET IF YOU KNEW

YOU WERE LIVING
WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I WAS♪♪T. YOU WERE.
I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM.

WELL, THEY WERE
PRACTICALLY DIVORCED.

"I LEFT EARLY TODAY BECAUSE I
DID♪♪T WANT A GOOD-BYE SCENE.

THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST LETTERS
I'VE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

IS♪♪T IT TERRIBLE?

OH!

"I WISH I HAD SOMETHING
TO LEAVE YOU AND THE KID."

HE DID♪♪T
LEAVE US ANYTHING?

NO.

"HAD TO SELL MY WATCH AND CAMERA
TO PAY OFF THE LOAN SHARKS."

HE OWED MONEY
TO SHARKS?

I'LL EXPLAIN IT
SOME OTHER TIME.

"YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT.
YOU CAN GO BACK TO DANCING."

DANCING? I'M 33.
I CAN HARDLY WALK ANYMORE.

"I WISH BOTH OF US ALL THE LUCK
IN THE WORLD. LOVE TO THE KID."

DO♪♪T READ ANY MORE.

THERE'S JUST ONE MORE WORD.

"TONY."

OH, THROW IT AWAY.

DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE NOT
GOING TO CALIFORNIA?

YEAH.

THAT MEANS I HAVE TO DO
MY HOMEWORK, RIGHT?

OH, LUCY.

AND 5 AND 6
AND 7 AND 8

AND 9,10,11,12,

13,14,15, 16.

1 AND 2, 3,
AND 4 AND OVER.

2, 3, AND 4.

I SEE YOU, PAULA.
YOU CA♪♪T HIDE FROM ME.

DOWN, UP, AND OVER.

[MOANING]

2, 3, 4.
ONCE AGAIN.

MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE TO YOUR BODY?

IT DIED. HAVE
A LITTLE RESPECT.

ONCE AGAIN. AND 1, 2, 3,
AND COME ON, PAULA. PUSH.

2, 3, AND 4 AND..

PAULA?

DONNA.

DONNA DOUGLAS.

I WORKED WITH YOU
IN COMPANY.

OH, YES.
HELLO, DONNA.

TOUGH GETTING BACK
INTO SHAPE, HUH?

IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.

IT'S AMAZING HOW FLABBY
YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY.

HI, MRS. CROSBY.

YOU LEAVING TONIGHT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHEN ARE YOU VACATING?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA.
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE
YOU FORGOT TO TELL.

THAT APARTMENT'S BEEN SUBLET.

WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE PAID UP THROUGH JUNE.
WE HAVE THREE MORE MONTHS.

YOU CA♪♪T SUBLET
THAT APARTMENT.

I'M NOT.
YOUR YOUNG MAN DID.

HE SUBLET
OUR APARTMENT?

HE NOTIFIED ME LAST NIGHT.

HIS NAME WAS ON THE LEASE,
HE COULD DO WHAT HE WANTS.

YOU LEAVE IT LIKE YOU FOUND IT.

I'M NOT LEAVING IT. I CLEANED
AND PAINTED AND DECORATED IT.

IT'S MINE. I'M NOT GETTING OUT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THAT'S NONE OF
MY BUSINESS, HONEY.

YOU CAN TAKE THAT UP
WITH THE SUBLETEE.

I JUST DO♪♪T WANT NO
TROUBLE IN MY BUILDING.

OH, THAT...BASTARD!
THAT NO-GOOD BASTARD.

MM-HMM.

[THUNDER]

[PANTING]

[BUZZ]

WHO'S THAT?

[BUZZ]

I DO♪♪T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S TONY. MAYBE HE
CHANGED HIS MIND AND CAME BACK.

YOU'RE SO YOUNG.

[BUZZ]

STAY THERE.

[BUZZ]

WHO IS IT?

ELLIOT GARFIELD.

WHO?

ELLIOT GARFIELD
FROM CHICAGO. IS TONY IN?

THERE'S NOBODY
BY THAT NAME HERE.

WAIT A SECOND.
WAIT A SECOND.

3-A. IT'S THE RIGHT APARTMENT.
I WAS HERE ONCE TWO YEARS AGO.

I DO♪♪T CARE. THERE'S
NO WHAT'S-HIS-NAME HERE.

COULD YOU OPEN THE DOOR
FOR ONE SECOND?

NOT AT 12:05.

OH, JESUS. YOU GOT
A LATCH. KEEP IT ON.

I'LL JUST TALK
FOR ONE SECOND.

MAKE IT FAST.
MY HUSBAND IS SLEEPING.

I THINK THERE'S BEEN
SOME KINDA MISTAKE.

I SUBLET THIS APARTMENT
FROM A FRIEND, TONY DeFOREST.

HE LIVES HERE.

THAT'LL BE NEWS
TO MY HUSBAND CHARLIE.

I HAVE A RECEIPT FOR
THREE MONTHS' RENT.

I WAS SUPPOSED
TO ARRIVE TOMORROW,

BUT I CAME IN EARLY BECAUSE I'M
STARTING WORK IN THE MORNING.

I FIGURED I COULD SPEND
THE NIGHT HERE. SEE.

YOU LOOK CONFUSED. CAN
I TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND?

HE'LL BE AT THE 37th PRECINCT
AT 9 IN THE MORNING.

CHARLIE DAGASTINO,
HOMICIDE. GOODNIGHT.

WHO WAS IT?

NEVER MIND.

DID♪♪T SOUND LIKE
A "NEVER MIND" TO ME.

TONY RENTED THE
APARTMENT TO SOMEONE,

BUT I'M NOT GIVING IT UP.
IT'S OURS. GO TO SLEEP.

HE RENTED THE APARTMENT?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

WHAT IF THEY FORCE US?

LET 'EM TRY.
GO TO SLEEP.

HE RENTED THE APARTMENT.
WHAT A SHITHEAD.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO.

IS TONY THERE PLEASE?

WHO'S CALLING?

I WAS JUST UP THERE.

I RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE,
MRS. DAGASTINO.

MRS. WHO?

DAGASTINO.

HOW COME YOUR TELEPHONE ANSWERS
TO TONY DeFOREST'S NUMBER?

AND HOW COME THE KEY HE SENT ME,
AIR MAIL SPECIAL DELIVERY,

OPENS YOUR DOOR, HUH? HUH?

YOU WANT TO ANSWER THOSE
QUESTIONS, MRS. DAGASTINO?

NO! WHY DO♪♪T YOU
ANSWER THEM?

I THINK THE ANSWER IS
SOMETHING FISHY IS GOING ON.

I'M WET AS A HERRING,
WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

AND I DO♪♪T HAVE A PLACE
TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

AND I DO♪♪T WANT TO BLOW
MY LAST FEW BUCKS ON A HOTEL.

ACCORDING TO MY NONWATERPROOF
WATCH, IT'S AT LEAST 12:20.

AND TECHNICALLY, THAT APARTMENT
BELONGS TO ME.

DO I COME UP THERE NOW
AND WE DISCUSS THIS AMICABLY

OR DO I STORM THE PLACE
IN THE MORNING?

I'VE GOT A GUN.
I'LL USE IT IF I HAVE TO.

CHANGE?
GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?

I GOT A PREGNANT WIFE IN
THE LOBBY! I JUST WANT CHA--

WE'RE IN TROUBLE, RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT IN TROUBLE.

WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS.
POSSESSION IS 9/10ths OF LAW.

WHAT'S THE OTHER 10th?

SHUT UP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IS THAT THE LAST 10th?

GO TO BED. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

HELLO.

JUST CALLED THE 37th PRECINCT.
THERE'S NO CHARLES DAGASTINO.

THEN I CALLED RITA SCOTT,
AN OLD ACTRESS FRIEND OF MINE.

WHO WAS IN MERCHANT OF VENICE
THIS YEAR WITH TONY DeFOREST.

RITA TOLD ME ALL ABOUT
THIS GIRL TONY'S LIVING WITH.

A CERTAIN PAULA MCFADDEN AND
HER TEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, LUCY.

SHE ALSO TOLD ME THE APARTMENT
IS LEASED TO TONY DeFOREST.

SHE KNOWS THIS FOR A FACT.
SHE USED TO LIVE WITH HIM.

CAN WE CONTINUE THIS
CONVERSATION IN A DRIER ROOM?

YOU GOT PROBLEMS? TAKE IT UP
WITH THE HOUSING AUTHORITY.

DO♪♪T HANG UP! PLEASE.
I DO♪♪T HAVE ANY MORE CHANGE.

I'M SOAKED, AND I HAVE
A LOW THRESHOLD FOR DISEASE.

TONY'S GOT MY MONEY, AND I GOT A
LEASE, YOU GOT THE APARTMENT.

NOW ONE OF US GOT SCREWED.
UH, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

WE HAVE TO
TALK THIS OUT.

I'M IN NO CONDITION,
FINANCIAL OR HEALTHWISE,

TO LOOK FOR A HOTEL
IN THE RAIN.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING LIKE THE
78th-STREET FLU, I'VE GOT IT.

TAKE A SHOT
IN A CONVENIENT PLACE.

FIVE MINUTES! THAT'S
ALL I'M ASKING. WHAT IS IT?

IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS,
WE'RE GOING TO GET CUT OFF.

MY NUMBER IS 873-5261.

IT'S A FLOODED BOOTH
ON AMSTERDAM AVENUE.

IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION
IN YOUR HEART WHATSOEVER--

I'M TRYING TO
WORK IT OUT, OPERATOR!

CALL ME BACK.
873-5261.

THAT NUMBER AGAIN--
OH, SHIT!

[RING]

HELLO. THANK YOU.

FIVE MINUTES.
LEAVE YOUR BAGS.

THIS IS♪♪T A
PERMANENT CONVERSATION.

I'M DRIPPING ON YOUR RUG.

IT'S BEEN DRIPPED ON BEFORE.

I'M SORRY' BOUT THIS. I DID♪♪T
KNOW THERE WERE COMPLICATIONS.

THERE'S A LOT
OF THAT AROUND.

I DO♪♪T BLAME YOU FOR BEING
HOSTILE, I GET THE PICTURE.

TONY RENTED ME
THE APARTMENT AND SPLIT.

THEN YOU AND YOUR
DAUGHTER GOT DUMPED ON.

YOUR VERSION. MY VERSION IS WE
AMICABLY ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WE AGREED I WOULD
KEEP THE APARTMENT.

YOU AND YOUR $600 GOT DUMPED ON.
GET THE PICTURE.

VERY SHARP. SHARP. YOU'RE A
SHARP NEW YORK GIRL, RIGHT?

NO, A DULL
CINCINNATI KID.

BUT YOU GET DUMPED ON ENOUGH,
YOU DEVELOP AN EDGE.

OKAY. SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?
I GOT A LEASE HERE IN MY POCKET.

YOU GOING TO HONOR IT?

I GOT A DAUGHTER IN MY BED
THAT TOPS A LEASE.

I DO♪♪T WANT TO GET LEGAL.
LEGAL HAPPENS TO BE ON MY SIDE.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A LAWYER
ACQUAINTANCE DOWNTOWN.

ALL I GOTTA DO
IS CALL HIM.

OH!

WOAH, WOAH. WHAT?

AN ACTOR...ANOTHER
GODDAMN ACTOR.

"I HAPPEN TO HAVE
A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE?"

RIGHT OUT OF
STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

STANLEY KOWALSKI
IN SUMMER STOCK. RIGHT?

WRONG. CHICAGO IN WINTER. 3 1/2
MONTHS AT DRURY LANE THEATER.

ASK AN ACTOR A QUESTION,
HE GIVES YOU HIS CREDITS.

WANNA HEAR REVIEWS, "ELLIOT
GARFIELD BRINGS TO KOWALSKI

DIMENSIONS THAT EVEN BRANDO
HAD NOT INVESTIGATED."

TERRIFIC,
YOU WRITE BEAUTIFULLY.

ARE♪♪T YOU TOO SHORT
TO PLAY STANLEY?

NOBODY NOTICED I STOOD ON THE
POKER TABLE. ARE YOU A CRITIC?

NO, I LOVE ACTORS. AS LONG AS
THEY STAY ON STAGE.

PUT THEM IN REAL LIFE,
AND THE WORLD GETS SCREWED UP.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I AM NOT GETTING KICKED OUT OF
THE SAME LOUSY APARTMENT TWICE.

YOU WANT YOUR MONEY
BACK, GO TO NAPLES.

YOU WANT THIS APARTMENT, BUY ME
TWO TICKETS TO CALIFORNIA.

I'LL GIVE TWO MINUTES
TO THINK IT OVER

BEFORE I YELL RAPE.

YOU ARE REALLY SOMETHING,
YOU KNOW THAT.

I'M SURPRISED TONY DID♪♪T TAKE
A JOB IN PHILIPPINES.

I HOPE YOU ARE THINKING
'CAUSE IAM COUNTING.

WAIT A SECOND. HOLD IT.
CAN WE MAKE A DEAL?

WHAT KIND OF DEAL?

DO♪♪T KNOW. CAN I
HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

NO.

OH, DO♪♪T BE BASHFUL.

OKAY. ALRIGHT.
HERE IS THE SITUATION.

I KNOW THE SITUATION.

LET ME JUST SAY IT.

NUMBER ONE, I HAVE A JOB
OFF-BROADWAY, NO PLACE TO SLEEP.

NUMBER TWO. YOU DO♪♪T HAVE
MONEY. BUT YOU GOT MY APARTMENT.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER TO THINK
ABOUT. I AM THINKING OF HER.

DO ME THE COURTESY
OF HEARING ME OUT. PLEASE.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN SCREAM RAPE, YOU KNOW.

WE ARE BOTH IN A BIND.
THE TWO OF US.

THE ONLY PRACTICAL SOLUTION
IS WE SHARE THE APARTMENT.

I ACCEPT.

WHAT?

I ACCEPT. I MAY BE STUBBORN
BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

MEAN IT?

MY DAUGHTER GOES TO SCHOOL.

I HAVE TO LOOK FOR A JOB.
YOU HAVE A KEY.

I WOULD HAVE TO STAND GUARD
ALL DAY LONG TO KEEP YOU OUT.

I ACCEPT. YOU WIN. YOU GET
THE SMALL BEDROOM.

WHAT THE HELL
AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?

I'M IN THE WRONG ROOM.

HI. I'M ELLIOT.

HELLO.

YOU MUST BE LUCY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ELLIOT GARFIELD. I'M MOVING
INTO THE OTHER ROOM.

I'M A FRIEND OF TONY'S.
YOU KNOW, TONY DeFOREST.

THAT'S NICE.

I'M AN ACTOR, TOO.

YEAH?

WELL, YOUR MOTHER KNOWS.

I SEE.

WELL...GUESS I'LL
BE SEEING YOU AROUND.

I GUESS SO.

TOODLE-OO.

GOODNIGHT.

JESUS.

I JUST MET LUCY.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

THAT I WAS MOVING
INTO THE OTHER ROOM.

SHE SEEMED TO TAKE IT
IN STRIDE.

YOU GROW UP FAST
IN THIS APARTMENT.

THE JOHN IS RIGHT
OVER THERE.

I'LL GET THE REST OF HER
THINGS OUT IN THE MORNING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STOP
GRINDING YOUR TEETH?

THE NOISE
IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

A DRIPPING STRANGER
FROM CHICAGO

WITH A WET BEARD AND DIRTY SHOES
MOVES INTO MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM,

AND YOU EXPECT SMILES?

I THINK YOU'RE DYNAMITE.

I LOVE LISTENING TO YOU TALK.
I HATE LIVING WITH YOU,

YOUR CONVERSATION IS
FIRST-CLASS.

THIS IS YOUR ROOM.
I DO NOT CLEAN OR MAKE BEDS.

USE THE KITCHEN OR THE BATHROOM
WHEN I AM NOT IN IT.

WASH IT UP
WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH.

YOU PAY FOR YOUR FOOD, LAUNDRY,
LINENS, AND PHONE BILLS.

I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME QUIET
BETWEEN 6:00 AND 9:00.

AS THAT IS WHEN
LUCY DOES HER HOMEWORK.

DO♪♪T SMOKE GRASS IN FRONT
OF MY 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING STRAIGHT?

NO.

NO?

NO.

I'M NOT CRAZY
ABOUT THE ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU'RE NOT?

I'M PAYING THE RENT.

I MAKE THE RULES.

I DO♪♪T LIKE PANTIES
DRYING ON THE ROD.

I WILL USE THE KITCHEN
WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

AND I AM VERY PARTICULAR
ABOUT MY CONDIMENTS.

I PLAY THE GUITAR DURING THE
NIGHT WHENEVER I CANNOT SLEEP.

AND I MEDITATE EVERY MORNING.
COMPLETE WITH CHANTING.

IF YOU'VE GOT TO WALK AROUND,
I'D APPRECIATE TIPTOEING.

ALSO I SLEEP IN THE NUDE,

WINTER AND SUMMER, RAIN OR SNOW,
WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN.

AND BECAUSE I MAY GO
TO THE POTTY OR TO THE FRIDGE

DURING THE NIGHT, AND I DO♪♪T
WANT TO PUT ON JAMMIES

UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR A QUICK THRILL,

I WOULD KEEP
MY DOOR CLOSED.

THEM'S MY RULES AND REGULATIONS.
HOW DOES THAT GRAB YOU.

IF I SAY NO?

I GOT THIS LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE.

I ACCEPT. I DO♪♪T LIKE IT.
I DO♪♪T LIKE YOU.

BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR?

COUPLED WITH YOUR PERSONALITY.

ONE OF GOD'S LITTLE JESTS.

IF YOU'LL MOVE YOUR SHAPELY
FANNY OUT OF MY ROOM,

I WILL UNPACK
AND DRY MY BEARD.

YOU FORGOT TO SAY GOODNIGHT.

I WAS WORKING ON GOODBYE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

HOW LONG
IS HE GONNA STAY?

AS LONG
AS HE LETS US.

GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I DO♪♪T HAVE TO.

WELL, THEN SAVE IT
TILL MORNING.

IT'S NOT SAFE
OUT THERE.

GOODNIGHT.

NO KISS?

I'M ANGRY.
I DO♪♪T WANT TO LOSE IT.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

OH, CHRIST.

LISTEN TO THAT.
DID THAT GUITAR WAKE YOU?

NO, YOU DID.

OH, SORRY.

IS HE GOING TO PLAY
THAT THING ALL NIGHT?

PUT A PILLOW OVER YOUR EAR.

OH, MOTHER.

IT'S BETTER
THAN THAT GUITAR.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHO IS IT?

MAY I COME IN?

DOOR IS OPEN.

ARE YOU DECENT?

LAM DECENT.

IT IS 3:00 IN THE--

JESUS CHRIST!
YOU'RE NAKED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE DECENT.

I AM DECENT. I ALSO
HAPPEN TO BE NAKED.

MR. GARFIELD, I HAVE
A GROWING DAUGHTER INSIDE

WHO IS NOT GOING TO GROW
ON TWO HOURS OF SLEEP.

MUST YOU PLAY THAT?

IT HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP.

HAVE YOU TRIED PILLS?

I DO♪♪T KNOW HOW TO PLAY PILLS.

YOU POP THEM IN YOUR
MOUTH AND SWALLOW.

I DO NOT USE
UNNATURAL THINGS.

MUSIC IS A NATURAL
SEDATIVE.

IF YOU'D LISTEN TO IT,
WE WOULD ALL BE ASLEEP SOON.

HOWEVER, IF YOU INSIST, STICK A
SLEEPING PILL IN EACH EAR.

[HUMMING]

HE WO♪♪T STOP!

I HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE,
TOO, I CAN GET.

JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS.

COUNT TO 100.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

I AM REALLY SORRY I GOT YOU
IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS MESS.

LUCE?

LUCE?

[SIGHS]

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

WHAT'S THAT?

OHMMM...

IT SOUNDS LIKE GOD.

OH.

OHMMM...

OH! FIVE TO 6:00.

BOY, GOD GETS UP
EARLY.

OHMMM...

I SMELL
STRAWBERRIES BURNING.

THAT IS INCENSE.

WHAT'S INCENSE?

IT IS WHAT I'M
FEELING RIGHT NOW.

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

YOU KNOW IT'S
FIVE TO 6:00?

OHMMM...

IN THE MORNING.

OHMMM...

IS♪♪T THERE A CHURCH
WHERE YOU CAN DO THAT?

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

YOU FINISHED.
IS THAT THE LAST CHORUS?

I'M IN A BLISSFUL STATE.
DO♪♪T BUG ME.

IS THIS ROUTINE? GUITARS AT
NIGHT, HUMMING IN THE MORNING?

MOST MUSICALS
HAVE LESS MUSIC.

MISS McFADDEN...

TODAY I START REHEARSALS
FOR MY FIRST NEW YORK PLAY,

PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT
DAY OF MY LIFE.

AM I NERVOUS?

NO, I AM
NOT NERVOUS.

BECAUSE I HAVE MEDITATED,
I AM RELAXED,

I AM CALM,

I AM CONFIDENT.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE NOT MEDITATED.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE
A PAIN IN THE ASS.

[CRACK]

TODAY HAPPENS TO BE
AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR ME, TOO.

I AM AUDITIONING FOR
A NEW MUSICAL TODAY.

I SLEPT 17 MINUTES LAST NIGHT,
THANKS TO YOU.

WITH THE BAGS I HAVE
UNDER MY EYES,

I DO♪♪T HAVE MUCH
OF A CHANCE.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

UH-HUH.

WHAT IS THAT SLOP
IN MY DISHES?

GRANOLA, WHEAT GERM, SOYA,
LECITHIN, NATURAL HONEY.

MY BODY IS A TEMPLE
WHICH I WORSHIP.

IT'S WHAT GIVES ME
MY NATURAL DISPOSITION.

I'M 63 YEARS OLD. LOOK AT ME.
CAN I FIX YOU A BOWL?

THIS IS♪♪T GOING TO WORK.

I REALLY DO♪♪T YOU
WELL ENOUGH TO DISLIKE YOU,

BUT YOU ARE TOO WEIRD
TO LIVE WITH.

TRY TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE,
AND I WILL RETURN THE $600.

YOU FORGET YOU ARE LIVING HERE
ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD GRANT.

TRY THIS.
IT'S GOT BRAN IN IT.

YOUR PROBLEM STEMS
FROM IRREGULARITY.

OKAY. LET'S TAKE IT
FROM THE TOP.

UP TO TEMPO.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4.

TOUCH, TRAP,
STEP, STEP.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

UP, UP. TOGETHER.

STEP, KICK, KICK,

4, 5, 6, HOLD, 7.

KICK, CROSS TOGETHER,
CROSS TOGETHER.

5, 6, 7, AND s.

KICK, KICK.
STEP, DRAG.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

LIFT, CROSS, TURN.

1, 2, 3, KICK,

5, STEP, BALL, CHANGE.
JUMP, 2, 3, KICK.

TURN...

PAULA.

AH!

OH. OH, MY GOD.
YOU SCARED ME.

I THOUGHT
IT WAS MY TURN.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, STEP, STEP, BOW.

OKAY. THANK YOU.
THEY BOY IN THE GRAY SLACKS,

GIRL IN THE GREEN KNEE SOCKS,
AND THE GIRL IN THE RED SCARF.

FRED, VALERIE, AND DORINA,
PLEASE WAIT.

THE REST OF YOU,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HOW YOU FEEL?

SO OLD.

I SAW A GIRL BEFORE
WHO GOES TO LUCY'S SCHOOL.

PAUL KAISER, DON WALLACE,
CYNTHIA ROBBINS,

CARLA WILLIAMS, SUSAN WEINSTEIN,

DONNA DOUGLAS AND PAULA
McFADDEN. ONSTAGE PLEASE.

THINK POSITIVE.

MENTION IT TO MY LEGS.

TWO ROWS, PLEASE.
THE GIRLS IN THE FRONT.

PAULA, IS THAT YOU?

YES.

RONNIE BURNS.

RONNIE, HELLO!

DID♪♪T YOU
GIVE THIS UP?

I DID, BUT
FOR THE WRONG ONE.

YOU IN SHAPE?

YES, TERRIFIC.

SHOW ME.

ONLY ON A WRITTEN TEST.

OKAY, EDDY.

JUST A FEW BASIC IMPOSSIBLE
STEPS, KIDS, SO PAY ATTENTION.

I'LL GIVE YOU
THE COUNTS FIRST.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,
TOUCH, DRAG.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, PITCH,

5, 6, HOLD, 7, KICK.

5, 6, TURN.

OKAY. FROM THE TOP. UP TO TEMPO.
PERFORMANCE LEVEL, PLEASE.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, UP, UP, TOGETHER.

STEP, KICK, PITCH, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

KICK, KICK, STEP, DRAG,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, KICK.

STEP, TOGETHER, BOW.

JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

[INDISTINCT]

OKAY. ROBERT AND CYNTHIA,
PLEASE WAIT.

THANK YOU ALL
FOR COMING IN.

A LITTLE RUSTY,
BUT NOT BAD.

MY PROBLEM IS I NEED
THEM VERY YOUNG.

YOUNG?
I'LL WORK ON IT.

NEXT GROUP, PLEASE.

WHAT ABOUT RICHARD?

THE QUESTION
MAY SEEM PERFUNCTORY,

BUT WAS RICHARD
ACTUALLY DEFORMED?

HE WAS BORN WITH
CURVATURE OF THE SPINE,

GIVING THE IMPRESSION
HE WAS HUNCHBACKED.

HE HAD SOME PARALYSIS,
LEFT HAND AND RIGHT FOOT.

OLIVIER PLAYED IT
RIGHT HAND AND LEFT FOOT.

HE ALSO HAD NERVE DAMAGE
TO THE RIGHT CHEEK.

THE MAN WAS
YOUR BASIC GIMP.

ALL OF WHICH BRINGS US,
BLESS THE WISE AND RICH

MRS. ESTELLE MORGENBEIS,
TO THIS PRODUCTION.

IS THAT THE WAY
WE WANT TO PLAY RICHARD?

IF SO, THEN I'D
RATHER DO A STINT

WITH SONNY AND CHER SHOW.

RICHARD Ill
WAS A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL.

SO WAS SHAKESPEARE, BUT
THAT MOB AT THE GLOBE THEATER

WOULD♪♪T PLUNK DOWN
2 SHILLINGS

TO SEE A BUNCH OF PANSIES
ONSTAGE.

SOCIETY CRIPPLED RICHARD,
NOT CHILDBIRTH.

READ YOUR TEXT.

HE SENT THOSE TWO BOYS
TO THE TOWER,

AND NOBODY
SAW THEM AGAIN.

I WANT TO STRIP RICHARD BARE
METAPHORICALLY.

LET'S GET RID OF
THE DEFORMITIES

AND SHOW HIM
AS HE WOULD BE TODAY:

THE QUEEN
WHO WANTED TO BE KING.

YES?

QUESTION.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WHAT'S THE OBJECTION,
ELLIOT?

NUMBER ONE I HAVE
TO PLAY IT.

NUMBER TWO I LIKE
THE DEFORMITIES.

NUMBER THREE I'VE BEEN
REHEARSING THE PART

FOR THREE MONTHS.

WELL, I RESPECT THAT,

AND WE'RE HERE
TO EXCHANGE IDEAS.

HOW DO YOU SEE RICHARD?

MR. MACHO?
IS THAT IT?

HE IS♪♪T A LINEBACKER
FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS,

BUT DO♪♪T THROW AWAY
HIS PRIME MOTIVATION.

WHAT'S THAT?

HE WANTS TO HUMP
LADY ANNE.

I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.
JUST TRY IT MY WAY.

LET'S READ THROUGH
THE FIRST ACT.

PLEASE, TRUST ME.
TRUST ME.

ACT ONE.

EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.

SORRY.

HOW FAR OFF THE BOARD
SHOULD I JUMP?

DO♪♪T GIVE ME
BETTE MIDLER,

BUT LET'S NOT BE
AFRAID TO BE BOLD.

BOLD?

BOLD.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE.

ENTER RICHARD,
DUKE OF GLOUCESTER.

NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT--

SORRY, SORRY.
EXCUSE ME.

NOW IS THE WINTER...

[EFFEMINATELY]
NOW IS THE WINTER

OF OUR DISCONTENT--
MAY I HAVE A BREAK?

FIVE MINUTES.

FIVE-MINUTE BREAK,
EVERYBODY.

[WHEEZING]

39...

OH, MY GOD.

40.

OH!

OH! THAT'S ALL?
I CA♪♪T DO ANY MORE?

60. YOU SAID 60.

NO. THE MUSCLES ARE GONE.

I CA♪♪T DANCE.
IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU
UP FOR ADOPTION.

OH!

GET YOUR OLD MOTHER A COKE.

MM-MM. FATTENING.

UH!

GET ME THE COKE.

MOTHER DOES♪♪T WANT TO
BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

NO WILLPOWER.

OH!

I'VE DIED.

OH!

I'VE TRULY DIED.

ENTER, SWEET ANNE.

YOU LIVE ALONE?

YEAH.

THE OTHER PEOPLE HERE
ALSO LIVE ALONE.

HERE, LET ME
TAKE YOUR COAT.

LUCY, THIS IS RHONDA.

RHONDA, LUCY.
LUCY, RHONDA.

HELLO.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SITTING ON MY MOTHER.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

RHONDA AND I WILL BE
WORKING IN MY BEDROOM.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

I'LL BET.

I HEARD VOICES.
WAS THAT HIM?

UH-HUH.
HE TOOK TWO APPLES.

DID YOU WRITE IT DOWN?

I DID♪♪T HAVE
A PENCIL.

I TOLD YOU
TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.

WE'RE NOT RUNNING
A HOTEL.

WHY DO♪♪T YOU LIKE HIM?

WHO INVITED HIM? THAT'S WHY.

IF HE WERE A LAWYER,
WOULD YOU LIKE HIM?

I WOULD♪♪T LIKE HIM
IF I LIKED HIM.

HE GRATES ON ME.

HE'S CUTE.

HE'S LIKE A DOG
NOBODY WANTS.

YOU ARE NEVER
TO THINK HE IS CUTE. NEVER.

WHY DID HE WANT
TWO APPLES?

ONE FOR HIM. ONE FOR HER.

WHAT HER?

THE GIRL IN THERE.

A GIRL
IN THE BEDROOM?

WHY DID♪♪T YOU
SAY SOMETHING?

SHOULD I WRITE
GIRLS DOWN, TOO?

YOU KNOCKED?

LET'S TALK IN PRIVATE.

IT'S A BAD TIME.
HOW BOUT AT BREAKFAST.

IS THAT A GIRL IN THERE?

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

I WO♪♪T PUT UP
WITH THIS.

WITH WHAT? THERE'S A GIRL
IN YOUR BEDROOM.

RHONDA, PAULA McFADDEN,
THIS IS RHONDA FONTANA,

A GIFTED AND RISING YOUNG
ACTRESS. DO♪♪T RISE.

HI.

HELLO.

CAN WE TALK?
THIS IS SERIOUS.

TAKE A BREAK.

OUT.
OUT?

HER OUT.
THEY HAVE MOTELS FOR THAT.

I HAVE AN IMPRESSIONABLE
10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

THIS IS NOT AN IMPRESSION
I WANT HER PICKING UP.

NOW GET THAT RISING YOUNG
ACTRESS THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

OUT OF MY RENTED APARTMENT
THAT YOU ARE STAYING?

I WILL BRING HOME ANYONE
OR ANYTHING I CHOOSE,

INCLUDING
A ONE-EYED KANGAROO

IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE
MY KINKY INCLINATION.

AS FOR WHAT IS GOIN ON IN THERE,
WE'RE REHEARSING RICHARD III.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A CRETIN FROM
MARS DIRECTING THIS PLAY.

HOWEVER, IF I ATTEMPT
TO HAVE CARNAL KNOWLEDGE

OF THAT GORGEOUS BOD,
THAT'S HER OPTION, MY PROBLEM,

AND NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WHAT WAS LUCY'S IMPRESSION

OF WHAT WAS GOING ON
IN MAMA'S BEDROOM

WITH TONY "LOVE 'EM AND
LEAVE 'EM" DeFOREST?

MAC, TURN OUT
SOME LIGHTS.

WE'RE RUNNING UP
A HECK OF A BILL.

YO U O KAY?

I'M FINE.
LET'S GO TO SLEEP.

ARE YOU UPSET BECAUSE
THEY'RE MESSING AROUND?

THEY ARE NOT
MESSING AROUND.

THEY ARE REHEARSING
RICHARD III.

LUCE, DID IT EVER BOTHER YOU
ABOUT TONY AND ME?

I MEAN, NOT BEING MARRIED
AND LIVING TOGETHER?

NO.

I WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

HE COULD♪♪T
GET A DIVORCE.

THAT'S OKAY.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
HOW YOU FELT.

UH...SOCKS IN THE HAMPER,
PLEASE.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

IS THAT SONG FROM RICHARD III?

LET'S BRUSH OUR TEETH.

OH, GOD, PLEASE
LET ME BE HIT

BY A RICH MAN
IN A ROLLS ROYCE.

I THINK I CAN SWING THAT.

THANK YOU.

NO, I MEAN IT.

IT'S FUNNY YOU
SHOULD SAY THAT.

WHAT DID I SAY?

WELL, THERE'S
AN OUTSIDE CHANCE

I CAN GET US BOTH A JOB AT
THE AUTO SHOW AT THE COLISEUM.

IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS,
BUT THE MONEY'S NOT BAD.

ANY MONEY'S
NOT BAD.

WHAT DO WE
HAVE TO DO?

JUST LOOK PRETTY, POINT TO THE
CARS, AND SAY "TERRIFIC."

I CAN DO THAT. I CAN POINT
AND SAY "TERRIFIC."

WELL, THIS FRIEND'S GOING
TO LET ME KNOW THIS WEEKEND.

JUST KEEP IT
A LITTLE QUIET.

WHAT A NICE PERSON
YOU ARE.

YOU DID♪♪T
HAVE TO TELL ME.

WELL, I FEEL
KIND OF RELATED.

I LIVED WITH BOBBY
ALL LAST YEAR.

BOBBY WHO?

BOBBY KULICK,
YOUR EX-HUSBAND.

OH, BOBBY.
THE MARRIAGE SLIPPED MY MIND.

COME ON, STRETCH.
OVER ON YOUR STOMACH.

AS YOU ARE WEARY, REST YOU,
WHILST I LAMENT HENRY'S CORSE.

STAY, YOU,
AND SET IT DOWN.

WHO CONJURES UP
THIS FIEND

TO STOP DEVOTED,
CHARITABLE DEEDS?

MY LORD,
LET THE COFFIN PASS.

UNMANNERED DOG,
STAND THOU.

ADVANCE THY HALBERD
HIGHER THAN MY BREAST,

OR, BY SAINT PAUL--

I AM MAKING A HORSETH
ASSETH OF MY SELFETH.

WHAT?

MARK, I'M BEGGING YOU.

YOU WANT THIS PERFORMANCE,
LET ME PLAY LADY ANNE.

TAKE FIVE.
FIVE MINUTES.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY,
ELLIOT?

UNHAPPY?
NO.

LAM FREAKING PETRIFIED.
CRITICS WILL CRUCIFY ME, MARK.

GAY LIBERATION
WILL HANG ME

FROM SHAKESPEARE'S STATUE
BY MY GENITALIA.

HELP ME, MARK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT MY HUMP BACK.
I WANT MY CLUBFOOT.

I WANT SOME PARALYSIS
IN MY RIGHT HAND,

TWO STIFF FINGERS,
A LITTLE MOTIVATION.

I SEE. YOU WANT
TO PLAY IT SAFE.

YOU WANT TO GIVE US
CONVENTIONAL RICHARD.

WELL, I CA♪♪T ARGUE.
THAT'S BEEN DONE FOR 400 YEARS.

WHAT DO I KNOW?
I'M LUCKY TO GET THE PART.

I COME FROM CHICAGO.
WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

WE DO THE PLAY AS WRITTEN.
DOES♪♪T GO OVER IN NEW YORK?

I RESPECT YOU, MARK. YOU'VE DONE
OFF-BROADWAY. I HAVE♪♪T.

I'M NOT A QUITTER. I'LL DO
RICHARD III LIKE TATUM O'NEAL.

I'LL DO IT, BUT DO♪♪T
LET ME LOOK FOOLISH.

YOU FEEL FOOLISH?

I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

I PASSED FOOLISH
ON TUESDAY.

WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER.

L-I DO.

I WAS NEVER GOING TO LET
YOU DO IT LIKE THAT.

OH THANK GOD!

BUT DO YOU SEE
WHERE I'M HEADING?

I'M TRYING, MARK.

RICHARD WAS GAY.

LET'S USE THAT
AS SUBTEXT.

WE'LL PUT BACK
THE CLUBFOOT.

AND THE TWISTED FINGERS.

IF YOU LIKE.

I LOVE THEM!

THEN USE THEM, BABY.

JUST TRY IT MY WAY.

I WILL NEVER
LET YOU GO WRONG.

HAVE♪♪T WE MET
IN OUR APARTMENT?

PLEASE. I ENJOY SHOPPING.
DO♪♪T RUIN THIS FOR ME, TOO.

RELAX. WE DO♪♪T HAVE TO
FIGHT TILL WE GET HOME.

WE NEED SOAP, DARLING.

NOT IN MY BATHROOM, YOU DO♪♪T.

IF YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED,
AND I GET WHAT I NEED,

WE'RE BLOWING A LOT OF BREAD
GETTING THE SAME THINGS.

WHY DO♪♪T WE HAVE ONE SHOPPING
LIST AND SPLIT THE BILL?

ON WHAT ITEMS?

FOOD. UH...

BATHROOM AND KITCHEN
CLEANSERS. EVERYTHING...

EXCEPT FEMALE
AND MALE DOODADS.

IN THAT AREA, YOU GO YOUR WAY,
AND I GO MY WAY.

WE SPLIT EVERYTHING?

EVERYTHING. I'LL PAY
MY FULL 1/3 SHARE.

1/3?

I'M NOT THE ONE WITH DAUGHTER.

DID♪♪T LADY ANNE WASH
YOUR HANDS THE OTHER NIGHT?

QUICK. QUICK. I LIKE
A QUICK GIRL.

OKAY. RIGHT
DOWN THE MIDDLE.

O KAY.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

GOOD IDEA SHARING EXPENSES.

I'LL NEED SHOES SOON.

A LITTLE CHIANTI?

NOT ON
MY BUDGET.

I'M SHORT OF STATURE,
BUT NOT TIGHT OF POCKET.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. A BOTTLE OF YOUR
FINEST CHEAP CHIANTI.

I HAVE A CALIFORNIA RED
FOR $1.80.

$1.80?

NOTHING FROM KANSAS?

COMEDIAN.

THIS IS
A NICE RED.

THIS GOES
WITH SPAGHETTI?

PERFECTLY.

IT'S UNDER
$2.00, RIGHT?

$1.80 IS UNDER $2.00,
AS FAR AS I KNOW.

MY BAG!

THEY TOOK MY BAG!

WHAT? WHO?

IN THE CAR.
THEY ROBBED ME!

EVERYTHING
WAS IN MY BAG!

THOSE DIRTY BASTARDS!

GO AFTER THEM!

AFTER A SPEEDING CAR?

THANKS. THANKS A LOT!

SHOULD I FIGHT THEM

WITH A CAN
OF TOMATO PASTE?

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I STILL THINK YOU OUGHT
TO CALL THE POLICE.

I'LL CALL THEM
FOR YOU.

YOU WERE♪♪T THAT HELPFUL
WHILE THEY ROBBED ME.

I'M NOT A GERMAN
SHEPHERD, YOU KNOW.

IT'S THEM!

WHO?

THE ONES
WHO TOOK MY BAG!

STOP!

STOP!

WHAT IS THIS,
POLICE WOMAN?

I'M GONNA GET A BULLET
BETWEEN MY GODDAMN EYES.

SOMEBODY,

STOP THOSE MEN!

[HORN HONKS]

WAIT!

HEY!

GIVE ME THE BAG!

GET OUT OF THE CAR!
HOLD IT.

HOLD IT!

I WAS JUST ASKING!

HOLD IT! RELAX.

A SIMPLE QUESTION.

HOLD IT.

KIDDING.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAD ALL
MY MONEY IN THERE,

EVERYTHING,

MY LAST DOLLAR
IN THE WORLD.

YOU AND YOUR
GODDAMN CHIANTI.

WHY CA♪♪T YOU
AT LEAST THANK ME

FOR RISKING MY LIFE
FOR YOU?

DID YOU GET
MY BAG BACK?

NO. SO WHY SHOULD I
THANK YOU?

WHY DO I HAVE SUCH
LOUSY LUCK WITH ACTORS?

I HATE ALL OF YOU.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

JUST GET AWAY.

THEY DID♪♪T ROB YOU
BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR.

AFTER I GRADUATED
FROM NORTHWESTERN,

I TOOK MY FIRST
SUMMER JOB.

I DID 10 PLAYS
IN 10 WEEKS.

I HAD HEPATITIS AND MUMPS
AND NEVER KNEW IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST
GETTING YELLOW AND FAT.

WHICH PLAYS?

I PLAYED THE REPORTER
IN INHERIT THE WIND.

GENE KELLY DID
IN THE MOVIE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE DID♪♪T DIG
AS DEEPLY AS I DID.

NEXT I DID
CYRANO DE BERGERAC.

JOSE FERRER.

I GOT LAUGHS
WITH HALF THE NOSE.

STYLE COUNTS.

YOU DO♪♪T THINK
MUCH OF YOURSELF.

I GOT A BIG EGO.

YOU GOT
TO SEE THE FACE

TO APPRECIATE
THE WORK.

I TAUGHT DRAMA AT
DULUTH JUNIOR COLLEGE.

YOU TAUGHT DRAMA?
FAR OUT!

VERY FAR OUT.
IT'S UP NEAR CANADA.

WANT SOME MORE WINE?

NIENTE CHIANTI.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC
WITH WORDS.

WORDS ARE
AN ACTOR'S CANVAS.

HIS LIPS
ARE HIS BRUSHES.

HIS TONGUE,
THE COLORS.

WHEN HE SPEAKS,
HE PAINTS PORTRAITS.

HE'S VERY CLASSY.

THE KID'S GOT
A GOOD EYE.

TONY WAS♪♪T
A CLASSY ACTOR.

HE WAS JUST...

SEXY.

YOU DO♪♪T THINK
I'M SEXY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

IN THREE YEARS,
I'LL DRIVE YOU WILD.

IT'S AFTER 9:00.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

FIVE MORE MINUTES.

WE NEVER HAD A GOOD TALKER
AT DINNER.

IN A MIDSUMMER
NIGHT'S DREAM,

I PLAYED
THE SAME PART

MICKEY ROONEY
PLAYED IN THE MOVIE.

PUCK!

THE LADY PRODUCER
FROM NEW YORK

ASKED ME TO PLAY
RICHARD Ill.

IT'S OFF, OFF,
OFF-BROADWAY.

ARE WE INVITED
TO THE OPENING?

YOU TWO CAN COME
TUESDAY NIGHT.

TUESDAY'S
A SCHOOL NIGHT.

TONY'S OPENING
WAS ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

I SAID NO.

SHIT! SHOOT.

I THINK I'M IN TROUBLE.
GOODNIGHT.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN MY BEDROOM?

TALKING TO ME?

YOU CAN HAVE
THE BIG BEDROOM

FOR AN EXTRA
$50 A MONTH,

PAYABLE IN CASH NOW.

A RENT INCREASE

FOR GETTING WHAT
I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN?

NO, THANKS.

WOULD YOU LEND ME $50?

I'LL EITHER PAY YOU
7 1/2% INTEREST

OR DO YOUR LAUNDRY.

THEY REALLY
CLEANED YOU OUT, HUH?

EVERYONE
FROM HERE TO ITALY.

I HAVE, UH...

$28 AND CHANGE.

I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.

STARTING OPENING NIGHT,
I GET $240 A WEEK.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL.

I'LL PAY ALL
THE LIVING EXPENSES

TILL YOU
GET YOURSELF A JOB,

AND I'LL EVEN DO
MY OWN LAUNDRY.

I SEE.

AND WHAT DO YOU GET?

OH...

ALL YOU GOT TO DO
IS BE NICE TO ME.

YOU GO TO HELL!

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?
EVERYONE'S NOT AFTER

YOUR MAGNIFICENT
BODY, LADY.

IT'S NOT SO MAGNIFICENT.

IT'S FAIR, BUT IT AI♪♪T
KEEPING ME UP NIGHTS.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN
VERY PRETTY.

MAYBE IF YOU SMILED
ONCE IN A WHILE, OKAY,

BUT THAT'S
AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY
PERSON EVER DUMPED ON.

I'M A RECENT DUMPEE.

I AM A DEDICATED
ACTOR, PAULA.

BECAUSE OF A MENTALLY
ARTHRITIC DIRECTOR,

I'M PLAYING
THE SECOND-GREATEST ROLE

IN THE HISTORY
OF THEATER

LIKE A FRESH
CALIFORNIA FRUIT SALAD.

WHEN I SAY NICE,
I MEAN FAIR.

I'M A FAIR PERSON.

I DO♪♪T WANT
TO JUMP ON YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

LUCY.

SHE'S WORTH
PUTTING UP WITH YOU.

HERE'S $14 FOR HER CARE
AND FEEDING.

YOU GET ZIPPIDY DOO-DAH.

WANT ANY MONEY,

BORROW IT
FROM YOUR DAUGHTER.

I AM NOW GOING
INSIDE MY ROOM

TO MEDITATE AWAY MY
HOSTILITY TOWARDS YOU.

PERSONALLY, I DO♪♪T
THINK IT CAN BE DONE.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

AS YOU ARE WEARY,
REST YOU,

WHILST I LAMENT
KING HENRY'S CORSE.

STAY, YOU THAT BEAR
THE CORSE,

AND SET IT DOWN.

WHAT BLACK MAGICIAN
CONJURES UP THIS FIEND?

MY LORD,
LET THE COFFIN PASS.

UNMANNERED DOG,

STAND THOU
WHEN I COMMAND.

ADVANCE THY
HALBERD HIGHER--

GOOD! GOOD!

THAT I MIGHT DIE AT ONCE,

FOR NOW THEY KILL ME
WITH A LIVING DEATH.

THOSE EYES OF THINE FROM MINE
HAVE DRAWN SALT TEARS,

SHAMED THEIR ASPECT
WITH STORE OF CHILDISH DROPS.

THESE EYES, WHICH NEVER SHED
A REMORSEFUL TEAR...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHAT IS IT?

AM I DISTURBING YOU?

YES!

SORRY.

THEN DO♪♪T DISTURB ME.

YOU'RE SNAPPING.

I WAS SARCASTIC.

SNAPPING IS,
"BUG OFF, I'M BUSY!"

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING'S WRONG.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
SOMETHING'S WRONG?

YOU OPEN WITH RICHARD III

IN FRONT OF ALL THE NEW YORK
CRITICS TOMORROW NIGHT

WITH A CHARTREUSE HUMP
ON YOUR BACK.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY CAREER!
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
NO, DO♪♪T TELL ME!

I DIPPED INTO
YOUR PEANUT BUTTER, RIGHT?

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

I JUST CAME TO REPAY
YOU YOUR $14.

I GOT A JOB.

DO YOU HAVE SOME
BICARBONATE?

LUCY IS SICK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

SHE HAD TWO SUNDAES
FOR DINNER.

I ORDERED THEM.

INCREDIBLE!

I'M SURPRISED
THEY DO♪♪T SELL

INSURANCE POLICIES
TO CHILDREN.

THAT'S BICARBONATE?

DO♪♪T START!

[MOANING]

HOW'S IT
FEELING, LUCE?

DID YOU SEE
THE EXORCIST?

YEAH.

THEN YOU BETTER
GET OUT OF THE ROOM.

YOU'LL BE OKAY.

LUCY, TURN OVER
ON YOUR BACK.

RELAX, COME ON.

DO♪♪T YOU TRUST ME?

I TRUSTED MY MOTHER TODAY,
AND LOOK HOW I FEEL.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE
SLOW, DEEP BREATHS.

GO ON.

NOW.

THAT'S IT.

WATCH.

THINK YOU CAN DO THIS?

I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO MANAGE IT.

EYES CLOSED, LUCE.

KEEP BREATHING DEEPLY.

DEEP BREATH.

THAT'S IT.

HOW'S
THE PLAY GOING?

SHH!

ONE SICK PERSON
AT A TIME.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

FEELING ANY BETTER?

A LITTLE.

IS♪♪T THIS MORE SOOTHING
THAN MEDICINE?

IT TASTES BETTER, TOO.

MOM, CAN WE GO
TO THE OPENING?

YOU STILL OWE ME
A PRESENT.

TODAY
WAS THE PITS.

SURE.

ANYTHING YOU SAY.

TERRIFIC.

NOW YOU HAVE TO
GET ME A DRESS.

THANK YOU.

I'M REALLY SORRY
ABOUT YESTERDAY.

IT WAS VERY GENEROUS
OF YOU.

I'M NOT USED TO
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

I KNOW.

BLANCHE DUBOIS
IN STREETCAR.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE HER.

YOU START TO TRUST A MAN,

AND THEY TAKE YOU AWAY
AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

I'M SORRY FOR...

WELL, I'M JUST SORRY.

I'M ATTEMPTING TO BE
NICE, DECENT, AND FAIR.

HOW AM I DOING?

MR. GARFIELD?

MR. GARFIELD.

WAKE UP.

YOU CA♪♪T SLEEP
WITH MY DAUGHTER.

UPSTAIRS TO THE RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

I HOPE THIS IS FUNNY.
IS IT MUSICAL COMEDY?

IT'S SHAKESPEARE.

BORING.

LOOK AT THE STUBS
AND FIND OUR SEATS.

OVER HERE.

NUMBER...

UH, WAIT.

IT'S SO EXCITING.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT.

IT IS SO CONTEMPORARY.

[TRUMPET FAN FARE]

NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THIS SON OF YORK,

AND THE CLOUDS
THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM
OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

NOW ARE OUR BROWS BOUND
WITH VICTORIOUS WREATHS,

OUR BRUISED ARMS
HUNG UP FOR MONUMENTS,

OUR STERN ALARUMS CHANGED
TO MERRY MEETINGS.

SOUNDS LIKE THAT GUY
IN THE BEAUTY PARLOR.

BE PATIENT.

THEY ARE FRIENDS.

RATCLIFFE.

LOVEL.

HERE IS THE HEAD
OF THAT TRAITOR,

THE DANGEROUS AND
UNSUSPECTED HASTINGS.

I TOOK HIM FOR THE PLAINEST,
HARMLESS CREATURE

THAT BREATHED UPON THE EARTH
A CHRISTIAN,

MADE HIM MY BOOK,
WHEREIN MY SOUL

RECORDED THE HISTORY
OF ALL HER SECRET THOUGHTS.

EXCUSE ME.

IS IT OVER?

IT IS FOR ME.

A HORSE! A HORSE!

MY KINGDOM
FOR A HORSE!

WITHDRAW, MY LORD.
I'LL HELP YOU TO A HORSE.

AAH!

BRAVO!

BRAVO!

DID YOU REALLY LOVE IT?
REALLY REALLY LOVE IT?

IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.

OH, GOD!

EVERYBODY,
SHE LOVED IT!

MY MOTHER LOVED IT!

RIGHT THROUGH
ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

THANK YOU. WE'RE
ALL SO EXCITED.

I HAVE A FEELING
HE'D RATHER BE ALONE.

HE'LL KNOW WE THOUGHT
IT WAS LOUSY

IF WE DO♪♪T SAY HELLO.

ALRIGHT BUT TRY
AND BE TACTFUL.

WHAT'S TACTFUL?

LIE.

HE'S OVER THERE.

HELLO, MR. GARFIELD.

IT'S LUCY AND ME.

WE CAME BACK
TO TELL YOU

HOW MUCH WE ENJOYED IT.

I HAD
THE BEST TIME.

FIRST I THOUGHT IT
WAS BORING.

OH, BUT THEN IT
PICKED UP NEAR THE END.

WE WO♪♪T KEEP YOU.

WE JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
FOR THE LOVELY EVENING.

PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU
ON THE WAY OUT.

THEY DO♪♪T EVER WANT
TO FORGET YOUR NAME.

WELL, GOODNIGHT.

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

COME ON, LUCY.

PETER, YOU
WO♪♪T BELIEVE IT.

[CRASH]

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

OH, GOD!
ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

THOU HAST BROKEN
THY VASE.

THOU OWEST THEE $12.98

PLUS TAXES.

ARE YOU OKAY?

NOT ACCORDING
TO THE TIMES.

HAVE YOU READ
THE TIMES?

CAN I GET YOU
A CUP OF COFFEE?

OH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE TIMES SA“),

"ELLIOT GARFIELD
RESEARCHED RICHARD Ill

"AND DISCOVERED HIM TO BE

ENGLAND'S FIRST BADLY DRESSED
INTERIOR DECORATOR."

OH!

TASTY WRITING.

I NEVER LISTEN
TO CRITICS.

OH, THANK GOD.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO GO ON
FOR ME TOMORROW NIGHT...

THE DAILY NEWS SAID...

HERE, READ IT.

"LT NEVER
OCCURRED TO US--

"THAT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
WROTE THE WIZARD OF OZ.

"HOWEVER, ELLIOT GARFIELD

MADE A SPLENDID
WICKED WITCH OF THE NORTH."

TACKY.

OH, GOD.

WELL, IF YOU
GOT TO KILL ME,

KILL ME
WITH PANACHE.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL?

IT'S ONLY A LITTLE
NEW YORK DEBUT, YOU KNOW.

AMES, IOWA, IS WHERE
IT REALLY COUNTS, YOU KNOW.

AMES, IOWA.

IF YOU DO♪♪T
MAKE IT IN AMES,

THEN YOU GOT
CAREER TROUBLES.

OH, MY GOD!

CHANNEL 5
WAS HONEST,

DIRECT AND HONEST.

"RICHARD III STUNK.

ELLIOT GARFIELD
WAS THE STINKEE."

ELLIOT, NO!

AM I IN BED?

BECAUSE IF I'M IN BED,
THE SPRINGS ARE SHOT.

I THOUGHT
YOU DID♪♪T PUT

UNHEALTHY THINGS
INTO YOUR BODY.

I WAS PUTTING THEM
INTO RICHARD'S.

I WAS TRYING TO KILL
THE SON OF A BITCH.

PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO BED.
THIS FURNITURE IS♪♪T MINE.

YOU THINK I'M DEFEATED?

YOU THINK
I'M DISCOURAGED?

YOU THINK I'M UPSET OVER 14
UNIMPORTANT NEGATIVE REVIEWS?

YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM.

OH...
OH...

SORRY. THIS APARTMENT
IS RATED PG.

I KEEP FORGETTING.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL
TONIGHT, REALLY.

I WAS AN ELIZABETHAN
FRUIT FLY.

I WAS THE BETTY BOOP
OF STRATFORD-ON-AVON.

I WAS PUTRID.

CAPITAL "P,"

CAPITAL "U,"

CAPITAL "TRID."

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN
INTERESTING INTERPRETATION.

IT WAS BULLSHIT!

YOU DID♪♪T SEE
THEIR FACES.

WHEN I WALKED OUT
ON STAGE,

210 PEOPLE LOOKING LIKE THEY
JUST GOT A SHOT OF NOVOCAIN.

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

I WANT THE TRUTH.
SAY IT.

SAY IT OR I'LL SMASH THIS
PRICELESS $9.00 LAMP TO PIECES.

WAS I PUTRID OR WAS I NOT?
SAY IT!

YES, YES, YOU WERE PUTRID!

YOU DO♪♪T HAVE TO BE
SO BLUNT ABOUT IT.

I'M SORRY.

GIVE THAT TO ME.

THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT I HAD SOME GOOD
MOMENTS NOW AND THEN,

LIKE WALKING ON
AND WALKING OFF.

THE REST WAS CACA.

SURE I CA♪♪T GET YOU
ANYTHING?

SOME OF YOUR
HEALTH VITAMINS?

DO♪♪T WALK OUT
ON ME, PLEASE.

ONCE A NIGHT
IS ENOUGH.

I'M HERE.

I'M LISTENING.

I CAN PLAY THAT PART,
YOU KNOW.

I CAN PLAY THE HUMP
OFF THAT GUY.

I WAS BETTER ON THE BUS
COMING IN FROM CHICAGO

THAN I WAS ON
THAT STAGE TONIGHT.

AND NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THIS SON OF YORK,

AND ALL THE CLOUDS
THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM
OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

ET CETERA, ET CETERA,
ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

OH, THAT IS GOOD.

IT'S WONDERFUL.
HONESTLY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE NOT SUCH
A BAD PERSON AFTER ALL,

BUT THAT PUTRID REMARK
REALLY HURT.

THAT REALLY GOT TO ME,
YOU KNOW?

I KNOW. I DO♪♪T KNOW
WHAT CAME OVER ME.

YOU TRY AND GET
SOME SLEEP NOW, OKAY?

DO♪♪T TELL LUCY
ABOUT THE TIMES.

NO, I WO♪♪T.

OR IN THE NEWS.

OR CHANNEL 5.

OR CHANNEL 2,
4, 7, 9, AND 11.

NO, I WO♪♪T.

TRY TO GET
SOME SLEEP.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

NO AUTOGRAPHS, PLEASE.

NOW IS THE WINTER
OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER
BY THE SON OF YORK.

"ONE MUST ALWAYS SUSPECT BRAVE
AND COURAGEOUS ATTEMPTS

"TO EXPOSE SHAKESPEARE THROUGH
NEW AND DARING CONCEPTS.

AND EVEN,
IF YOU WILL, lRREVERENCE."

WHAT'S IRREVERENCE?

YOU'LL FIND OUT.

"BUT ELLIOT GARFIELD
IN RICHARD III

"GIVES US LESS THAN
A SUMMER STOCK CHARLIE'S AUNT

WITHOUT THE GOOD-NATURED
AND INOFFENSIVE HUMOR."

DOES THAT MEAN
HE DID♪♪T LIKE IT?

HE HAS TWO MONTHS
TO LIVE.

HE'S A CYNIC.

WHICH ONE OF YOU
SCOTCH TAPED MY TONGUE

TO THE ROOF
OF MY MOUTH?

UGH!

WOULD YOU LIKE
SOME COFFEE?

NOT UNLESS IT HAS
SOME BICARBONATE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

FOR WHAT?

I DID♪♪T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

WHY DO YOU LET YOUR CHILD
READ PORNOGRAPHY?

WANT SOME PUFFED RICE
OR COCOA PUFFS?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

STARVE A COLD,
FEED A FAILURE, EH?

HELLO.

YES, JUST A MINUTE.
IT'S FOR YOU.

I GET THE COVER
OF NEWSWEEK?

HELLO.

HI, HARV.

HUH?

YEAH, I READ THEM.

UH-HUH.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

OKAY. ALRIGHT,
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

THERE YOU GO. YOU THINK
YOUR WORLD IS COLLAPSING,

AND SOMETHING
WONDERFUL HAPPENS.

WHAT?

THEY CLOSED THE SHOW. I DO♪♪T
HAVE TO DO IT ANYMORE

AMERICAN THEATER
IS SAVED.

OH, I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL
FOR THE BEST.

NOW I CAN TAKE
THAT OTHER JOB.

WHAT OTHER JOB?

I'M LOOKING.

LUCE, WE'RE LATE.
GET YOUR JACKET.

DID YOU KNOW SPENCER TRACY
GOT TERRIBLE REVIEWS

THE FIRST TIME
HE WAS ON BROADWAY?

NO, HE DID♪♪T.

OH, I THOUGHT HE DID.

YOU DO KNOW YOUR DAUGHTER
HAS A CRUSH ON ME?

YES, I'VE NOTICED.

HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT THAT, MOM?

WELL...NOT TO TAKE AWAY
FROM YOUR PERSONAL CHARM...

SHE HAD ONE
ON TONY, TOO.

YOU'RE FICKLE AT 10.

AND AT 6. SHE HAD ONE
ON HER FATHER.

COME ON.

WAIT FOR ME
DOWNSTAIRS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M THE MOTHER,
THAT'S WHY.

OH.

SO...

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

YOU MEAN
MY IMMEDIATE PLANS?

WELL, AFTER BREAKFAST,

I WAS CONTEMPLATING
AN ABORTED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

AND THEN
THINK ABOUT WELFARE.

SO...l MEAN...

YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK
TO CHICAGO?

CHICAGO, NO.
SIBERIA, POSSIBLY.

I MEAN, YOUR ROOM
IS PAID FOR.

IT BELONGS TO YOU.

IF I DECIDE TO LEAVE, I'LL GIVE
YOU AN ADDRESS TO SHIP IT TO.

IF YOU STAY, I COULD USE
SOME HELP WITH LUCY.

I WO♪♪T BE BACK

IN TIME
TO MAKE HER DINNER.

WELL, WHAT I'M SAYING IS...

I ACCEPT.

GOOD. SHE HAS DINNER
AT 6.

THERE ARE PORK CHOPS
IN THE FREEZER.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

CUTE.

DEFINITELY CUTE.

HI. MY NAME
IS DONNA DOUGLAS.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU
TO THE INTERNATIONAL AUTO SHOW

AND TO THE SUBARU DISPLAY.

HOW MANY OF YOU
HAVE WONDERED

HOW THE U.S. SKI TEAM,
THOSE CHAMPS OF THE DOWNHILL,

GET TO THE TOP
OF THOSE STEEP HILLS?

THE SUBARU ENGINE GIVES YOU
39 MILES PER GALLON

IN HIGHWAY DRIVING

AND 29 MILES PER GALLON
IN CITY DRIVING.

EXTRAORDINARY PERFORMANCE.

THE SYNC-T
IS A LEAN-BURN APPROACH

TO COMBUSTION ENGINES,

AND THE SPECTACULAR DESIGN

THEN ELIMINATES THE NEED
FOR POWER- AND FUEL--

THE, UH...AHEM,

UH...

MOMMY.

ELIMINATES THE NEED

FOR POWER-
AND FUEL-ROBBING, UH...

FUEL-ROBBING...THINGS.

THE SUBARU GIVES
GREAT PERFORMANCE

PLUS BETTER MILEAGE

WITH LESS EMISSION
FROM YOUR, UH...

SHE'S UP.

UH...THE FRONT WINDOW
IS CLEARLY VISIBLE

AND WAS DESIGNED
FOR MAXIMUM VISIBILITY

WHETHER ONE IS LOOKING
TO THE RIGHT OR TO THE LEFT

OR STRAIGHT AHEAD.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

MY RICHARD
WAS♪♪T THAT BAD.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

THE REAR WINDOW
IS ALSO DESIGNED

FOR MAXIMUM VISIBILITY

IF ONE IS LOOKING
OUT THE BACK.

THE TIRES ARE OPTIONAL
AND ATTRACTIVE.

CONSUMERS GUIDE SAYS
THAT THE SUBARU

IS A TRULY REMARKABLE
ECONOMY CAR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND NOW I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE YOU...

AH-SO. AH-SO.

TIME OUT, TIME OUT.

ONE MINUTE.
UNO MOMENTO.

THANKS A LOT.

I COULD HAVE
GOTTEN FIRED

EXCEPT THEY DO♪♪T KNOW
THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU CAME
TO SEE ME ACT.

THOUGHT I'D COME TO SEE
YOU ACT. YOU WERE GOOD.

ONE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT--

STUDY, LEARN YOUR LINES.
REALLY.

NEXT YEAR, YOU'LL BE READY
FOR BIGGER PARTS LIKE TRUCKS.

DID YOU HAVE
YOUR DINNER?

NO.

NO?

IT MUST BE
AFTER 7:00.

WHAT AM I
PAYING YOU FOR?

PAYING ME?

ONE PETRIFIED PIECE
OF PORK CHOP

AND AN AGING PIECE
OF BROWN CELERY

DOES NOT
CONSTITUTE PAYMENT.

COME HERE. I CAME
TO GIVE YOU THE KID.

I'M WORKING TONIGHT.

HE GOT A JOB.

DID♪♪T I JUST SAY THAT?

ACTING?

I DID♪♪T SAY THAT. IT'S IN
THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD.

I'LL BE BACK 2 A.M.
DO♪♪T WAIT UP.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.
YOU'RE SO CUTE.

I NEVER KNEW
YOU HAD A FIGURE.

THE MAN WEARS ME OUT.

HE DEFINITELY
WEARS ME OUT.

HE WEARS ME OUT, TOO.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN,
GENTLEMEN.

UH, THAT GIRL IMPRESSED ME
VERY MUCH WITH YOUR CAR.

I'M IN
THE TAXI BUSINESS,

I'M IN THE MARKET
FOR AN ENTIRE FLEET.

IF YOU THINK
YOU COULD HANDLE IT,

I'D LIKE TO COME BACK
AND DISCUSS DETAILS.

YOU OUGHTA HANG ON
TO THAT GIRL.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

P.A.: WE'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU

TO THE SUBARU LINE

OF ECONOMICAL,
DURABLE CARS OF 1977.

EROTIC ACTS. EXOTIC ACTS.

SEXY, EROTIC,
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

HEY! SEXY GIRLS.

WHAT KINDA SHOW?

DIRTY, FILTHY SHOW. NEXT ONE
STARTS IN 10 MINUTES.

WHAT DO THEY DO?

I DO♪♪T KNOW. I REALLY DO♪♪T.

WANNA GO INSIDE?
YOU INTERESTED?

COME INSIDE, QUICK.

WHAT IS IT?

THERE'S A DRUNK
ON STAGE.

THROW THAT CREEP
OUT OF HERE!

ME? I'M THE DOORMAN.

WHEN HE COMES OUT,
I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU WANT YOUR PAY?

MM-HMM!

WHICH ONE OF YOU PEOPLE
IS CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE HERE?

NEED ANY HELP
WITH THE FELLOW?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

LET'S FINISH THE SHOW.

ALL I WANT IS
ONE LITTLE KISS.

I DO♪♪T EVEN KNOW YOU. I DO♪♪T
KISS ON THE FIRST DATE.

HEY! THEY LIKE US!

THEY LIKE US!

GET RID OF THAT BUM!

COME HERE,
YOU LITTLE TWERP.

NO.

COME HERE.

I'M GONNA BUST
YOUR STUPID FACE IN.

NO, NO! THEY DO♪♪T
WANNA SEE THAT.

YOU WANNA SEE LITTLE TWERP
GET HIS FACE BROKEN?

TOUGH CROWD,
TOUGH CROWD!

LET'S TALK THIS OVER.

TELL ME YOUR NAME.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

EARL.

EARL?
EARL WHAT?

EARL FIST.

IT'S MY FIRST
STANDING OVATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT
CYNTHIA FEIN SAID?

WHO IS
CYNTHIA FEIN?

THE GIRL IN MY CLASS WITH
THE BRACES AND THE BIG CHEST.

ELLIOT PICKED ME UP
FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

AND CYNTHIA SAYS
HE'S GOT CHARISMA.

I LOOKED IT UP,
AND HE DOES.

ALRIGHT,
CUT IT OUT.

CUT WHAT OUT?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE
SOMETHING BETWEEN US.

ME?
CYNTHIA FEIN--

CYNTHIA FEIN,
MY BEHIND.

STOP PUSHING ME.

WHO'S PUSHING?

YOUR FINGERPRINTS
ARE ALL OVER MY BACK.

HE'S OKAY, ALRIGHT.

ONCE IN AWHILE,
HE EVEN ACTS HUMAN.

BUT STOP PUSHING ME

BECAUSE THAT MAN
IS NOT MY TYPE.

I HEARD THAT.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

IF YOU HEARD IT,
WHY ASK?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID YOUR TYPE
NEVER HANGS AROUND

LONG ENOUGH
TO STAY YOUR TYPE.

THAT IS A ROTTEN
THING TO SAY.

I KNOW. I JUST FELT
LIKE SAYING IT.

SOMETIMES I CAN BE
SO FURIOUS WITH YOU!

THAT WAS A STINKY
THING TO DO!

OHH!

WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR EYE?

OH, I USED IT
TO STOP A FIST

FROM GOING THROUGH
MY FACE.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT KIND OF MEAT
IS THIS?

VEAL PARMESAN.

IT'S BETTER THAN
POTATO SALAD.

I'M OUT OF WORK
AGAIN.

LISTEN, YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING
TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.

I'VE DECIDED THAT YOU CAN STAY
AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

IT'S MY ONLY HOPE
FOR SURVIVAL.

LISTEN, SOMETHING'S
BOUND TO TURN UP.

DO YOU THINK SO?

CYNTHIA THINKS
YOU'VE GOT CHARISMA.

CHARISE YOURSELF
TO BED, YOUNG LADY.

PUT THAT ON YOUR EYE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'VE GOT?

I MEAN, DO I CHARISE YOU AT ALL?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT
TALENT-WISE,

TALENT-WISE,
I'M VERY SECURE.

JUST APPEAL-WISE,

I'M A LITTLE SHAKY.

COME ON YOU CAN TELL ME,
I CAN TAKE IT.

AM I AS ADORABLE
AS I THINK I AM?

YOU ARE OUTRAGEOUS.

I CANNOT KEEP UP
WITH YOUR ENERGY.

THEY MUST PICK YOU UP
ON CB RADIOS IN ALASKA.

YOU GET THE FEELING SOMETHING
IS STARTING BETWEEN US?

I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, 16
YEARS AGO

AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME
I HEARD THAT LINE.

OUT OF MY WAY PLEASE,
I HAVE TO SELL CARS MORNING.

OH, THAT'S WHY YOU GOT
THE KABUKI MAKE-UP ON.

YOU LET ME
STAND THERE!

OH, GIVE ME A TOWEL.

DO♪♪T YOU EVER
DO THAT AGAIN.

YOUR LIPS MAY SAY NO NO, BUT
THERE'S "YES, YES" IN YOUR EYES.

DO♪♪T GET CUTE.

YOUR GOD DAMN NOSE DRIVES ME
CRAZY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

IT'S PUG, VERY PUG.
IT SHOOTS DOWN STRAIGHT

BUT THEN IT TURNS PUG
AT THE LAST SECOND.

DO♪♪T!

WE GOT OURSELVES
A HOT INFATUATION.

I HAVE NO TIME
FOR ROMANCE.

YOU DROVE ME BANANAS
THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU

THROUGH THE CRACK IN THAT DOOR.
I SAID

THIS IS BEST HALF A FACE
I EVER LAID EYES ON.

DO♪♪T MAKE ME LAUGH,
I AM NOT ON YOUR SIDE.

SMELLING YOUR HAIR
DRIVES ME NUTS.

I COULD BE SLEEPING
YOU WALK BY MY DOOR,

MY NOSTRILS SAY, "WHO'S THAT
COMING DOWN THIS STREET?"

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I'M 33. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET
EMBARRASSED ANYMORE.

IF YOU WERE A MUSICAL,
PEOPLE WOULD HUM YOUR FACE.

DO♪♪T DO THIS.

DO♪♪T MAKE ME
FEEL HAPPY.

I HATE THAT "IT'S WONDERFUL
TO BE ALIVE FEELING."

DO NOT COME
INTO MY LIFE.

I JUST GOT THROUGH
PUTTING UP FENCES.

CAN I WALK YOU
TO YOUR DOOR?

IT'S A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

ELLIOT!

YES, CALL ME ELLIOT.
I'VE ALREADY BITTEN YOUR NECK.

ELLIOT, I AM PRAYING THIS
IS GONE IN THE MORNING.

THE HELL YOU ARE, MEET ME
IN THE KITCHEN TOMORROW NIGHT.

DRESS CASUAL.

[MONKEY NOISES]

[WHISTLES]

PAULA!

PAULA!
WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING?

I WANNA SEE LUCY
BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED.

WAIT,
I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

THE MASERATI PEOPLE ARE THROWING
A SMALL PARTY AT 21.

THAT GUY, GIORGIO, THE ONE
THAT SMELLS BETTER THAN US

WELL, HE SPECIFICALLY
ASKED FOR YOU,

"THE GIRL WITH
THE LAUGHING TEETH."

I CA♪♪T,
I'VE GOT TO GO HOME.

I DO♪♪T UNDERSTAND,

THAT GUY IS GORGEOUS!
HE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU.

IF IT WAS
ANY OTHER TIME.

ELLIOT?

ELLIOT?

ARE YOU UP HERE?

SAY SOMETHING.

I DO♪♪T LIKE THIS.

OHH.

I SAID IT WAS FORMAL, KID.

PARTY'S GOT TO BE OVER
BY 9 A.M.

OTHERWISE, IT'S ANOTHER
5 BUCKS FOR THE SUIT.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

OHH.

DO♪♪T PANIC.

EVEN GINGER
WAS NERVOUS

THE FIRST TIME
SHE DANCED WITH ME.

[HUMMING]

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE A GERSHWIN TUNE ♪♪

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE A FIREPLACE ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE POTATO CHIPS,
MOONLIGHT, AND MOTOR TRIPS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

WHAT ARE YOU
CRYING ABOUT?

SO KILL ME.

I'M A SUCKER
FOR ROMANCE.

ELLIOT GARFIELD
IS A MANY-FACETED INDIVIDUAL.

I GOT A JOB.

A REAL JOB
A REAL ACTING JOB.

YOU DID?
WHERE?

IT'S IN A PLACE CALLED
"THE INVENTORY,"

IT'S AN IMPROVISATIONAL GROUP.

THEY SAW RICHARD III.

THEY SAID IF I COULD DO THAT,
I COULD DO ANYTHING.

OH, NO,
DO♪♪T LET IT RAIN!

DO♪♪T WORRY ABOUT IT, THE SUIT'S
TOO BIG FOR ME ANYWAY.

I AUDITIONED
FOR THEM TODAY.

IT'S IMPROVISATION,
YOU UNDERSTAND?

VERY DIFFICULT.

BUT I AUDITIONED WITH
THIS TALENTED GIRL, LINDA.

REALLY TALENTED GIRL

IS SHE PRETTY?

NO, NO, VERY UN PRETTY.
VERY UGLY.

UNPUG NOSE.

I PLAYED ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
MARY TODD LINCOL♪♪S OUT OF TOWN.

GENERAL GRANT TAKES ME
TO A CAT HOUSE IN VIRGINIA.

WE'RE ALL TRYING TO ACT
VERY DIGNIFIED--

OH, DO♪♪T STOP!
I NEVER DANCED IN THE RAIN.

THE HELL WITH THE DANCING
MY PIZZA'S GETTING DRENCHED!

WAIT, WAIT!

I GOT IT.

I'LL GET IT.

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER
YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT

THIS OTHER GIRL
AND TONY?

BOBBY.
TONY COMES AFTER BOBBY.

OH, SORRY.

WELL, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME
ON THE ROAD.

HE'S GONE FOR SIX MONTHS
WITH A PLAY, HE GETS LONELY.

THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE
A GOOD MARRIAGE

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND
IS IN A FLOP.

HE'S BROKE,
BUT HE'S HOME.

HOW DID YOU MEET TONY?

I'M ASHAMED
TO TELL YOU.

WHY?

I SAW HIM IN
THE ICEMAN COMETH.

HE WAS♪♪T VERY GOOD,
BUT HE WAS GORGEOUS.

I COULD♪♪T TAKE MY EYES
OFF OF HIM.

DO♪♪T ASK.

I WAITED UNTIL
AFTER THE SHOW,

AND I INTRODUCED MYSELF,

LIKE A REGULAR GROUPIE.

A WEEK LATER,
I MOVED IN WITH HIM.

I USED TO DO
THINGS LIKE THAT.

WHY?

WELL, WHEN YOU DANCE
IN MUSICALS,

THE BOYS' VOICES ARE USUALLY
HIGHER THAN THE GIRLS.'

YOU GET HUNG UP
ON MACHO MEN.

THANK GOD
I'M OVER THAT PERIOD.

I'LL LET
THAT REMARK PASS.

ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP
WITH EACH OTHER TONIGHT?

OF ALL THE UP-FRONT
GIRLS I KNOW,

YOU ARE
THE RIGHT UP-FRONTEST.

HOW DO YOU
FEEL ABOUT IT?

NERVOUS.

A PUSHOVER,
BUT NERVOUS.

GOOD MORNING,
EVERYBODY.

NO APPLAUSE,
PLEASE.

WHAT'S NEW THIS MORNING?

NOTHING'S NEW
THIS MORNING.

O KAY.

HEY DID YOU HEAR
OF THIS KID LINDBERGH

WHO'S GOING TO TRY
TO FLY THE ATLANTIC.

WHO DO YOU THINK IS GONNA PLAY
IN THE MOVIE?

SHE DID♪♪T
SLEEP WELL.

I GUESS NO ONE DID.

SEE YOU
TONIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN
FOUND OUT, HAVE WE?

I THOUGHT THE KID
WAS ROOTING FOR US.

SHE DOES♪♪T LIKE
TO BE CALLED "KID."

OH, SORRY.
IN CHICAGO,

IT'S AN EXPRESSION
OF ENDEARMENT.

LIKE HOW ARE YOU
DOING, KID?

WHAT'S WRONG, KID?

NOTHING.

REALLY?

GLAD TO HEAR IT.

ANY BUTTERED TOAST?

SHE'S SCARED,
THAT'S ALL.

LUCY, HUH?

SHE'S AFRAID WHAT HAPPENED
BEFORE WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO,
ARE YOU PARTNERS?

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST
YOU AND ME LAST NIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE
AFFECTS HERS,

AND I AM SCARED, TOO.

LISTEN, WOULD YOU BE
TERRIBLY HURT

IF WE FORGET
LAST NIGHT?

IT'S A LITTLE LATE, I'VE ALREADY
ENTERED IN MY DIARY.

LOOK AT ME, I'M STANDING HERE
WITH SWEATY PALMS,

AND MY HANDS
ARE IN COLD WATER.

I DO♪♪T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

INSTEAD OF ASKING,
SO GOD DAMN MANY QUESTIONS

YOU COULD AT LEAST SAY TO ME
LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL.

LAST NIGHT
WAS WONDERFUL.

OH, MY GOD,
I MUST BE CRAZY.

I KEEP DOING
THE SAME DAMN THING TO MYSELF

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
WHEN AM I EVER GONNA LEARN?

LISTEN, I AM NOT UP TO
FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

IT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

I THINK WE WOULD ALL BE
A WHOLE LOT BETTER OFF

IF YOU JUST LEFT.

NOTHING PERSONAL.

HEY! I THINK I HAVE A CLUE NOW
AS TO WHY ALL THOSE GUYS LEFT.

CRACKERS!
ANIMAL CRACKERS, LADY.

YOU GOT
A SEVERE CASE

OF EMOTIONAL
RETARDATION.

I'M NOT LEAVING,
PAULA.

I'M ESCAPING.

I WILL PERSONALLY
FORWARD YOUR MAIL.

KEEP IT.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU
A FORWARDING ADDRESS.

LOTS OF WEIRDOES
AROUND.

JUST IN PASSING,

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT
LAST NIGHT WAS TERRIFIC.

IT WAS THE SUPER BOWL
OF ROMANCE.

I GIVE IT A FAT 9,
ON A SCALE OF 10.

YOU LOSE ONE POINT
FOR BURPING YOUR WINE.

IT WAS A VERY RESPECTABLE SCORE.

DO♪♪T YOU GET GLIB,
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT TO
ME.

YOU WANNA LOWER YOUR NEUROSIS,
FOR ONE MINUTE I'M NOT FINISHED.

YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

WHAT?

YOU LOVE
TO LOVE SOMEBODY,

BUT WHEN THEY
TAKE THE INITIATIVE,

LIKE I DID LAST NIGHT,

THAT SCARES
THE PANTS OFF YOU.

NOTHING OFF-COLOR
INTENDED.

YOU DID♪♪T WAIT AT ANY STAGE
DOOR FOR ME, YOU KNOW.

I APPROACHED FIRST.

I TOUCHED FIRST.

YOU CA♪♪T HANDLE THAT
CAN YOU?

HE'S LAUGHABLE.

HA HA.

AND SILLY, YOU ARE
A SILLY MAN.

YOU ARE THE SILLIEST
MAN I EVER MET.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT.

IF YOU DO♪♪T LET GOOF ME, I AM
GONNA PUNCH YOUR OTHER EYE OUT.

YOU KNOW YOURSELF TOO WELL
TO IGNORE WHAT I AM SAYING.

THAT'S WHY I'M
TRYING TO IGNORE IT.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE
ONE LARGE PAIN IN THE ARSE,

LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST THING
THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME.

IF YOU WERE♪♪T BEHAVING
LIKE SUCH A HORSE'S RECTUM,

YOU'D KNOW THAT WE COULD BE
TOUCHING AND FONDLING ALL DAY

TILL I GOT TO GO
TO REHEARSAL.

PERSONALLY, MADAM,
I THINK YOU BLEW IT.

LADY ANNE! LADY ANNE!
THE BLACK PRINCE IS DEAD.

ENGLAND IS YOURS.

YOU DO♪♪T WANT ENGLAND?
WOULD YOU TAKE SPAIN?

SPAIN I CAN GET YOU CHEAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THAT THING?

COME ON. GET IN, QUICK.
HORSE IS GOT A METER ON HIM.

WHERE TO?

WE'RE GOING HOME
TO TARA. GET IN!

CYNTHIA FEIN, RIGHT?

I THINK YOU GOT
CHARISMA, TOO.

LUCY, DID YOU TELL HIM?
I NEVER SAID THAT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU LUCY, YOU BIG
FINK!

WANT TO GO
TO MY OPENING, TONIGHT?

I OWE YOU A GOOD TIME
AFTER THE LAST ONE.

I HAVE HOMEWORK.

WHAT ARE YOU SORE ABOUT
ME AND YOUR MOM?

IT'S NONE
OF MY BUSINESS.

SINCE YOU AND I ARE
EXCHANGING ROOMS TONIGHT,

I THINK IT IS.
ONLY I'M A LITTLE OLD FASHION

I WANT YOUR APPROVAL.

ME? I'M ONLY 10.

I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO VOTE YET.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE, KID
I REALLY DO.

SORRY, YOU DO♪♪T LIKE
TO BE CALLED "KID."

I'M A KID.
IT FITS.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

YOU'RE WASTING A LOT OF MONEY,
I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS RIDE.

ANSWER MY QUESTION.
DO YOU LIKE ME?

ASK CYNTHIA FEIN.
SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'LL KEEP ASKING YOU,
UNTIL YOU ANSWER ME.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

CAN I GET OUT?
IM GETTING--

ANSWER MY QUESTION,
YES OR NO?

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME,
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

CAUSE I'M MOVING IN
WITH YOUR OLD LADY ANYWAY.

I WANNA HEAR IT
FROM YOUR OWN LIPS.

NOW YES OR NO?

NO.

YES.

WAS THAT A YES?

YES.

A REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY LOT?

YES, ALRIGHT?

O KAY.

AS MUCH AS YOU
LIKE ME,

IT'S NOT
A THOUSANDTH AS MUCH

AS I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.
I SWEAR TO GOD LUCY.

YOU CAN CRY.
I DO♪♪T CARE.

I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.

I AM CERTIFIABLY NUTS
ABOUT YOU AND YOUR MOM.

BLOW THAT INTO
YOUR HANDKERCHIEF.

I DO♪♪T HAVE ONE.

SO CRY
ON THE HORSEY.

O KAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT MORE
THAN ANYTHING ELSE

IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

MY VERY OWN
LIVING ROOM SET.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S A NICE FEELING

TO HEAR REAL PEOPLE
APPLAUDING.

I TOOK THE NAMES,
AND ADDRESSES

OF EVERYONE
IN THE AUDIENCE.

THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THEM OVER
FOR DINNER, REAL SOON.

WE DEFINITELY HAVE TO REPAINT
THE BEDROOM, DO♪♪T YOU THINK?

WHAT?

I'M REDECORATING.

WHAT COLOR SHOULD WE
PAINT THE BEDROOM?

SUCCESSFUL.

THAT'S GOOD.

SOMETHING IS WRONG.

IT DID♪♪T
COME OUT RIGHT.

ELLIOT, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH IT?

FIRST PLACE, IT'S NOT ON PARK
AVENUE.

HOW MANY MORE WEEKS
DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY

BEFORE I COULD GET
AN ARMCHAIR?

FOR ONE WITHOUT ARMS,
ABOUT A YEAR.

MAMA BEAR DID
THE CAVE REAL NICE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HEY.

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'M VERY FOND
OF YOU MYSELF.

YOU HAVE
SOME NICE QUALITIES.

LEAVE TUESDAY MORNING OPEN.

WHY, WHAT'S TUESDAY?

HOW DO BLOOD TESTS
STRIKE YOU?

AAH!

FOUR STARS!

IT WAS A GREAT AUDIENCE.

A FOUR-STAR SHOW.

I WANNA TAKE THE SHOW
HOME AND BOTTLE IT.

I WANT TO GO HOME
AND SLEEP TILL WEDNESDAY.

HEY, ED, THERE
IS NO AIR IN HERE.

I CA♪♪T DO
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

GIVE THE ACTORS
SOME AIR!

WE ARE
HUMAN BEINGS,

NOT CATTLE!

LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE ACTORS!

YAY!

LET'S HEAR IT
FOR THE ACTORS.

HELLO.

WHO IS THAT?

HELLO.
OLIVER FRY.

OLIVER FRY
THE DIRECTOR?

I BELIEVE SO.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

OLIVER FRY--
WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN?
HERE, UH...

YEAH, COME ON IN.
HI.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

HI, IT'S VERY NICE TO--

WE WO♪♪T KEEP YOU.

THERE WAS JUST
ONE QUESTION

I WANTED TO ASK.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED
IN A MOVIE?

YOU MEAN
MAKING ONE?

OR WE COULD
GO TO ONE,

BUT I THINK WORKING
IS MUCH MORE FUN.

WITH YOU?

YES. YES, I'M--
I'M INTERESTED.

I AM, TOO.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
HA HA HA HA.

CERTAINLY.
YEAH, SURE. MM-HMM.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OUT HERE?

YOU DID♪♪T LOCK YOURSELF
OUT AGAIN, DID YOU?

LUCY, WHAT IS IT?

AT LEAST WE DID♪♪T GET
A LETTER THIS TIME.

SENDING THAT STUFF
TO THE LAUNDRY, I HOPE.

I GOT A PICTURE,
PAULA.

I GOT A PICTURE,
I GOT A MOVIE.

OH, SHIT.

TERRIFIC PICTURE.
OLIVER FRY IS DIRECTING.

I GOT TO BE ON LOCATION
IN SEATTLE TOMORROW.

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I KNOW.
IT'S FAR AWAY.

WHO CARES?
I'M NOT WALKING.

THERE'S A FIRST-CLASS TICKET
AT THE AIRPORT FOR ME.

FOUR WEEKS' WORK,
$2,000 A WEEK.

I MEAN, IT'S
FREAKING OLIVER FRY!

I DID♪♪T ASK
WHAT THE PART WAS.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I'M NOT MAKING ANY
COMPARISONS, YOU KNOW.

WHO EVER HEARD OF AL PACINO
BEFORE THE GODFATHER?

I'M COULD♪♪T BE
HAPPIER FOR YOU.

JESUS, I AM SO SCARED.

I SPENT 20 YEARS BUILDING UP MY
EGO, AND WHEN I REALLY NEED IT

IT LOCKED IN THE JOHN.

IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU, TRUST
ME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S ONLY FOUR WEEKS.

THAT'S ONE WEEK
LESS THAN FIVE.

I KNOW.

OH, YOU DO♪♪T KNOW.

YOU THINK YOU'LL
GET DUMPED ON AGAIN.

IF YOU SAY
YOU'LL BE BACK,

WHY SHOULD♪♪T I
BELIEVE YOU?

IF I WERE YOU, AND I SAW AN
ACTOR PACKING,

I WOULD♪♪T BELIEVE HIM EITHER.

YOU NEED ANY HELP?

NO, I SEE
YOU TOOK EVERYTHING.

WELL, THEY SAID
IT WOULD BE FREEZING,

TAKE ALL MY WARM CLOTHING.

YOU KNOW I WOULD TAKE YOU
IF I COULD,

BUT IT'S ROUGH COUNTRY
UP THERE.

IT'S UP IN THE MOUNTAINS.
THERE ARE WOLVES.

I DO♪♪T MEAN
IN THE MOVIE, EITHER.

I MEAN REAL HUNGRY WOLVES.

I ALWAYS GOT ALONG
WITH WOLVES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE EXCITED.
JUMPING UP AND DOWN.

IT'S WHAT I'VE WORKED
FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

IS♪♪T THAT WHAT A MATURE
RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT.

I ROOT FOR YOU,
YOU ROOT FOR ME.

IT'S MY THIRD TIME UP
AS CHEERLEADER.

OKAY, OKAY!
I GET THE POINT.

FORGET IT.
I'M NOT GOING.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT

NOT IF IT MEANS I GOTTA PUT YOU
THROUGH FOUR WEEKS OF HELL

WONDERING WHETHER I'M COMING
BACK OR NOT, FORGET IT.

IT'S JUST A JOB, RIGHT?
HELL WITH IT.

IF I GOT THIS JOB,
I CAN GET ANOTHER JOB.

I'M NOT GONNA GO, OKAY?

THE HELL I WO♪♪T GO!
THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S A DUMB STUPID THING TO
DO, BECAUSE YOU DO♪♪T TRUST ME.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME
PAULA, DO YOU TRUST ME?

I'LL PLAN MY DAYS
AROUND IT.

I HATE THOSE GUYS THAT WALKED
OUT OF HERE, I HATE THEM.

I'M THE ONE THAT'S COMING BACK,
AND I'M GETTING ALL THE BLAME.

NO. YOU GO, ELLIOT.

I WANT YOU TO GO.

IF YOU COME BACK, FINE. I'LL BE
HERE PUTTING UP MY WALLPAPER.

IF NOT,
THAT'S OKAY, TOO.

I'LL MISS YOU.

BUT I'LL SURVIVE
BECAUSE I'VE GROWN UP

THESE LAST
COUPLE MONTHS.

LOOK AT ME.
I'M ALL GROWN UP.

IT WAS BETTER
THAN SUMMER CAMP.

I NEVER FELT, BETTER
OR STRONGER.

SOMEONE IS
WALKING OUT THAT DOOR,

AND I'M NOT CRUMBLING
INTO A MILLION PIECES.

WELL, JESUS,
IT REALLY DOES FEEL GOOD.

GOOD-BYE, ELLIOT.

MAKE A NICE MOVIE,
A WONDERFUL CAREER.

IF YOU'RE EVER UP
FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD,

I PROMISE YOU, I'LL KEEP MY
FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT MAKE'S
A MAN WITH A 147 I.Q.

FEEL LIKE
A DRIBBLING IDIOT?

I DO♪♪T KNOW, BUT WHATEVER
IT IS I THANK GOD FOR IT.

[THUNDER]

YOU'RE WELCOME, GOD.

INTERESTING LESSON
I'M LEARNING.

REALLY INTERESTING.

THIS COULD BE THE FALLING IN
LOVE AND BECOMING SUCCESSFUL

IS PROBABLY THE WORST THING
THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO A GUY.

IF MY PLANE CRASHES IN THE
STORM, I'M COMING BACK HERE.

I MEAN IT.
I MEAN IT.

YOU'LL BE DRAGGING CHAINS AROUND
THIS APARTMENT WHEN YOU'RE 90.

SO LONG, KID.

I'LL SEE YOU, KID.

I CA♪♪T SLEEP.

GIVE IT FIVE MINUTES.

YOU JUST GOT INTO BED.

I CAN PREDICT
THE FUTURE.

YEAH?

HOW ABOUT
PREDICTING MINE?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I CAN PREDICT
THE PHONE RINGING.

[RING]

HELLO.

GET DRESSED.

WHAT?

GET DRESSED,
YOU'RE COME WITH ME.

WHERE ARE YOU?

ON THE CORNER, IN MY OLD,
LEAKY PHONE BOOTH.

OH, ELLIOT!
ELLIOT!

THE PLANE HAD ENGINE TROUBLE,
WE'RE DELAYED TWO HOURS.

I CASTED IN FIRST-CLASS
FOR TWO ECONOMIES.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT LUCY?

DO♪♪T WORRY
ABOUT LUCY.

CALL DONNA, SHE CAN STAY
WITH HER, TILL WE GET BACK.

COME ON, PAULA THE CAB IS
TICKING AWAY YOUR BEDROOM SET.

I THOUGHT I COULD♪♪T
COME WITH YOU.

I'LL TELL THEM
YOU'RE MY ANALYST.

AND YOU REALLY
WANT ME TO COME?

OH, JESUS YOU SURE LOVE
A LOVE SCENE.

YEAH,
I WANT YOU TO COME.

OH, THEN IT'S OKAY,
I DO♪♪T HAVE TO!

JUST AS LONG
AS YOU ASKED!

PAULA, DO♪♪T PLAY GAMES.

MY SOCKS ARE
UNDER WATER.

NO, YOU HAVE ENOUGH WORK

WITHOUT WORRYING
ABOUT ME.

BESIDES,
I HAVE WORK TO DO.

I AM GOING TO BE
SPENDING YOUR MONEY

ON OUR APARTMENT.
I AM NUTS ABOUT YOU.

I HOPE I'M CALLING
THE RIGHT NUMBER.

WILL YOU DO ME
A FAVOR?

ANYTHING, MY ANGEL.

HAVE MY GUITAR
RESTRUNG.

OOH!

HE LEFT HIS GUITAR!

HE IS COMING BACK.

I NEVER DOUBTED IT.

WAIT. OH, MY GOD!

ELLIOT, ELLIOT!

ELLIOT, WAIT!

I HAVE IT, SWEETHEART.

HAVE A SAFE TRIP.

I LOVE YOU!

NEVER MIND THAT,
YOU'RE RUSTING MY GUITAR.

♪♪ ALL YOUR LIFE
YOU'VE WAITED ♪♪

♪♪ FOR LOVE TO
COME AND STAY ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW THAT
I HAVE FOUND YOU ♪♪

N" YOU MUST NOT SLIP AWAY ♪♪

♪♪ I KNOW
IT'S HARD BELIEVING ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORDS
YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT, DARLING, YOU MUST
TRUST THEM JUST ONCE MORE ♪♪

II BECAUSE, BABY, GOOD-BYE
DOES♪♪T MEAN FOREVER ♪♪

II LET ME TELL YOU GOOD-BYE
DOES♪♪T MEAN ♪♪

♪♪ WE'LL NEVER
BE TOGETHER AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU WAKE UP
AND I'M NOT THERE ♪♪

♪♪ I WO♪♪T BE LONG AWAY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE
THE THINGS YOU DO ♪♪

♪♪ MY GOOD-BYE GIRL H"

♪♪ WILL BRING ME
BACK TO YOU ♪♪

♪♪ I KNOW
YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN ♪♪

♪♪ AFRAID TO HURT AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ YOU FIGHT THE LOVE
YOU FEEL FOR ME ♪♪

♪♪ INSTEAD OF GIVING IN ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I CAN WAIT FOREVER ♪♪

♪♪ I'M HELPING YOU TO SEE ♪♪

♪♪ THAT I WAS MEANT FOR YOU
AND YOU FOR ME ♪♪

♪♪ SO REMEMBER GOOD-BYE
DOES♪♪T MEAN FOREVER ♪♪

♪♪ LET ME TELL YOU GOOD-BYE ♪♪

♪♪ DOES♪♪T MEAN WE'LL NEVER
BE TOGETHER AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ THOUGH WE MAY BE
SO FAR APART ♪♪

♪♪ WE STILL HAVE GONE FAR ♪♪

♪♪ SO FORGET YOUR PAST,
MY GOOD-BYE GIRL ♪♪

N 'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE HOME
AT LAST MN