All language subtitles for HIMYM_S01_E07.Farda.DL

OLDER TED: Kids,
before I met your mother,

when I was still out there searching,
I learned something valuable.

That love is not a science.

- Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
- SON: We're gonna go watch TV.

OLDER TED: You see, sometimes in life

you just have to accept
that certain things can't be explained,

and that's kind of scary.

- Oh, my God.
- I know, I'm still shaking.

What the... Joke's on you. I have a cold.

Are you guys okay?

Another round,
and back it up for me and Lily!

What happened?

- We saw something, up in the apartment.
- Something bad.

(BOTH MOANING)

I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

Oh, mucho sexy. Te quiero, Marshall.

Oh, my God!

(LILY SCREAMING)

What was it?

Only the craziest, meanest-Iooking mouse
you've ever seen.

Mouse? Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
That was a huge cockroach.

Baby, it was a mouse. It had whiskers.

What, those things coming out
of his head? Those were antennae.

- Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
- It was a mouse.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.

My story's on. Ted, pay attention.
Carl, turn it up.

I'm here with Ellen Pierce,

New York's premiere matchmaker,

Ellen, your company "Love Solutions"
boasts a 100% success rate,

- What's your secret?
- Science,

Everything in life can be broken down
to ones and zeros, even love.

All I have to do is input
the variables, run the algorithm,

and presto manifesto,
you have a soul mate and it works!

Just ask all of my happy couples.

(WHISPERING) And these are just
the attractive ones.

I have more photos in the bathroom.

Love Solutions' Ellen Pierce.

A beacon of hope
for New York City's lovelorn.

Robin Scherbatsky,,,

Was that chick at the end really a client?

- Yes.
- We're signing up.

- What?
- Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.

That's a perfect cocktail.
Shake well, then sleep with.

I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.

It's the man version of getting a cat.

No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur.
And only mammals have fur.

It was a cockroach.

Come on, Lily.
The only way that that was a cockroach

is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

Oh, my God!

Come on!

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

Ted! Hurry!
You got to help me, my boat is sinking.

- What?
- My boat is sinking!

- You have a boat?
- Yes, I bought a boat last year

at a police auction. I just got a call
from a guy down at the marina

that it's leaning starboard
at a 45-degree angle.

If I don't get down there right now
it's gonna capsize! Now come on!

Your boat is sinking. That was good.

Come on.
Ted, this is an incredible opportunity.

We'll meet our soul mates, nail them,
and never call them again.

All finished, gentlemen?

Congratulations, you have just taken
your very first step.

Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
I sure hope this works.

I'm so done with the single life.
All the games, the meaningless sex.

You deserve more.

That is so true, Ellen.

I really think I'm ready to stop
being a me, and start being a we.

Hey, is there any way I can
let it be known that I love cuddling?

Oh, of course you... That is so...

It's kind of hard to talk about
with Ted here,

but I just want someone who's not afraid
to hold me at night,

when the tears come.

Ellen, can you help me find her?

- Get out.
- What?

I get 15 guys like you every week.

Jerks who just wanna meet
vulnerable women,

nail them, and never call them again.

Oh, my God, people do that?

Do you wanna do this the easy way,
or the hard way?

What's the hard way?
Security roughs me up and tosses me out?

No, that's the easy way.

The hard way is that I stomp the crap
out of you myself.

- Okay, Ted, let's go.
- Not you. You stay.

You're cute.

You're an architect. Good career.

And you didn't use an obvious alias
on your application

like your friend "Jack Package."

- It's pronounced Puh-kaj.
- Get out of here!

You, I can work with.

You give me three days,
and I will find the woman you will marry.

No, thanks.
I don't need an algorithm to meet women.

It's New York City.
You know, plenty of fish in the sea.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Yes, there's nine million people
in New York,

4.5 million women.

Of course, you wanna meet somebody
roughly your own age,

let's say, plus-minus five years.

So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

that leaves us with 482,000.

But wait, 48% of those
are already in relationships,

and then you have to eliminate half
for intelligence, sense of humor

and compatibility.

And then you have to take out
the ex-girlfriends, and the relatives

and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.

And then that leaves us
with eight women.

That can't be right. Eight? Really, eight?

There are eight fish
in that big, blue ocean, Ted.

And if you feel confident
that you could reel one into your boat

without me, there's the door.

Do you take credit cards?

Okay, it's back.
And this time we got a good look.

Hey. Seriously,
you have to stop doing that!

It's bigger now. It's been feeding.

We were just upstairs watching TV.

Oh, gosh.

(GASPS)

Okay. Let's do this.

(SCREAMING)

(SHUSHING)

It's okay. It's over.

(EX CLAIMS)

- So, did you get a good look at it?
- Yeah.

It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton,
like a roach.

But it had mouse-like characteristics.

Gray-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?

It's a cockamouse.

What?

It's some sort of mutant combination
of the two.

It's as if a cockroach and a mouse,
you know...

Did the horizontal, 10-legged,
inter-species cha-cha?

That's impossible.
That simply can't happen.

- But it can.
- And it has.

And it's pissed.

Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

There was no time.

So, Love Solutions?
Did you meet the love of your life?

She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.

Should I be worried?

Just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.

Did you just use my name as a verb?

Yeah, we do that behind your back.

Ted out. To overthink.

Also see, Ted up.

Ted up, to overthink something
with disastrous results.

Sample sentence,
Billy Teded up when he tried to...

Okay. I get it.

Don't worry. I'm not gonna
Ted anything up, or out.

I should give it a few more days.

- Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
- Ted. Hi.

I meant to call you.

The computer is still crunching
the numbers.

Busy as a bee, that little computer.

You said it was gonna be three days.

Did I? Three days.

- Really?
- Yeah.

When someone says you're gonna meet
the perfect woman in three days,

you kind of put that in your datebook. So.

How do I say this?
This is gonna be really hard.

Ted, there are absolutely no women
out there for you.

Actually, I got through that okay.

There are no women out there for me?
I thought you said there were eight.

I know. There's supposed to be.
I don't know where they are.

But I'm an architect.
And you said I'm cute.

- I'm a cute architect.
- How do you think I feel?

I have a 100% success rate.
That's my hook!

I could maybe find somebody for you
if you were gay.

- Well, I'm not.
- A little bi maybe?

No!

- You're messing with me, right?
- Come see for yourself.

I cannot set you up

unless you have a compatibility rating
of 7.0 or higher. And look.

5.4, 4.8, 5.6...

There's a 9.6 right there.

Don't touch the computer.

Yes. Sarah O'Brien.
I fixed her up six months ago.

She would've been
absolutely perfect for you.

Well, what about the guy you set her
up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?

- 8.5.
- So he sucks!

No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

Sure it's good. It's solid. But a 9.6?

9.6 is off the charts.
But Sarah is matched up.

Ted, look. I have lunch. Please.

I promise we will find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.

There are new women turning 18
every day.

It's a whole new species. The cockamouse.

And it's the size of a potato.

So, what now, it's a cockapotatomouse?

Don't make it sound ridiculous.
It's a cockamouse!

My God, this is incredible!
We're like the same person.

Sarah O'Brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

Her guilty-pleasure song
is Summer Breeze by Seals and Croft.

Wow, Ted.
Sounds like you're her perfect woman.

And like the majestic seahorse,
it's hermaphroditic.

Obviously, the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

For as much as we know
about the cockamouse,

there is still so much we don't know.

Well, we know that there is no such thing
as the cockamouse.

What we don't know
is what you guys have been smoking.

So you really don't believe
in the cockamouse?

Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

but you've exaggerated it in your mind,
you know, like the Loch Ness monster.

If by "like the Loch Ness monster"
you mean "totally exists and is awesome,"

then, yeah, it's like
the Loch Ness monster.

Its diet is not unlike our own.
Grains, cereals,

- and it's awfully fond of cheese.
- Okay. This is getting weird.

The similarities go on and on.

She hates phonies.
I totally hate phonies, too.

She's a dermatologist. I have skin.

You want to be her boyfriend.
She already has a boyfriend.

- It's uncanny.
- All right.

But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?

See what my 9.6 looks like in person,
as, you know, a frame of reference.

And if she thinks she can do
11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?

OLDER TED; That's right, I did the math,

- Hi.
- Hi, I'm Dr. O'Brien.

I'm architect Mosby. Sorry.
I just wanted to say my job, too.

- Hi, I'm Ted.
- Hi.

So, what are we doing today?

Right, I have a kind of mole on my back.

It's probably nothing.
But I'm a cautious guy.

I'm exactly the same.

(SINGING SUMMER BREEZE)

(MIMICKING GUITAR RIFF)

Sorry about that. Summer Breeze
is my guilty-pleasure song.

Oh, yeah, it's been stuck in my head
ever since I heard it this weekend

- at brunch.
- I love brunch.

It's the best.

As long as I don't have to spend it
with a bunch of phonies.

I like the way you think, architect Mosby.

Hey, this may sound weird.
But it'll definitely sound more weird

once my shirt's off,
so I'm gonna ask you now.

Do you wanna have dinner with me
Saturday night?

That's very sweet, but I'm actually
getting married on Saturday.

Friday night?

Wow. You're getting married.
Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- I'm really sorry I asked you out.

It just felt like there could
be this weird connection between us.

- How crazy am I coming off here?
- Only a little.

Well, by some million-to-one long shot,
and I'm not rooting for this,

you wind up not getting married
this weekend, give me a call.

Okay. But it's not likely.
I look damn good in my dress.

I'm sure you do.

Wow. That's a pretty sophisticated trap.

You think the Road Runner's
gonna fall for it?

Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.
But Marshall and I, we're believers.

We believe.

Yeah, look around.
The universe is mysterious and awesome.

You got the Bermuda Triangle,
ghosts, Bigfoot.

Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

Aliens?

Come on! You gotta give me aliens!

Stonehenge, Area 51,
there's alien crap all over the place.

You can't be serious?

My friend, you just poked the bear.

So, my 9.6,

beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.

- Oh, Ted, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, it was a long shot.

I told her to call me anyway if she
changes her mind. But I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.

Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman?

(SIGHS)

Come on, Lily, don't hate the player,
hate the game.

"On the night of July 2, 1947,

"conditions were clear over
Roswell, New Mexico."

Oh, jeez.

Hey, Ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.

- Dr. O'Brien.
- What?

"When suddenly, an array of..."

SARAH; Ted, hi,
This is Dr, O'Brien, About today,

Listen, I really need to talk to you, Call me,
I'll be at the office all day,

The doctor will see you now.

What should I do?
I should totally go down there, right?

Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting
to marry this woman on Saturday.

Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

Look, if I was marrying the wrong
person and the right person was out there,

and knew it, I'd want that person
to come down to my dermatology office

and tell me so.
In that scenario, I'm not interfering,

- I'm a happy ending.
- (CHUCKLES) Happy ending?

Look, I have to go down there.
I don't know what's gonna happen

when I get there, but I gotta give it a shot.

- All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
- Wait, where are you guys going?

Don't you wanna stay
and see the cockamouse?

Yeah, we're gonna go
make some crop circles.

(CLANGING)

- Oh, my God!
- Holy crap buckets, we got it.

- What do we do with it?
- Calm down, I have a plan.

I told my friend Sudeep about it.

He wants to show it
to the Columbia Biology department.

- But it has to be alive.
- Wait, no, no!

They'll do lab experiments on it.
That's so mean.

Shouldn't we just beat it to death
with a bat?

Hello, again.

I'm glad you came down.
I would prefer to say this to you in person.

Go ahead, Sarah.
You can tell me anything.

You have a basal cell carcinoma.

Anything else?

Your mole. The biopsy came back.

It's not life-threatening,
but we should excise the rest of it.

Wait, then you're still getting married?

- Of course I'm still getting married.
- But we're a 9.6.

- Excuse me?
- Okay, I...

I went to Love Solutions
and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer

that you and I are a 9.6.
Your fianc�'s only an 8.5.

- You looked at my file?
- I had to. You're my only match.

Aren't you even a little curious?
The woman who set you up

with your fianc�
thinks we're a better match.

I am getting married on Saturday.

(SINGING SUMMER BREEZE)

Ted.

Look, don't you think you're being
a little impulsive marrying a guy

- you just met a few months ago?
- Don't you think it's a little impulsive

for you to proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?

See, we're both impulsive.
We're perfect for each other!

- Ted, just calm down.
- Calm down?

You're my only match!

Come on, there was a computer,
and there were eight fish

- in a sea full of lesbians.
- Okay, Ted, Ted.

Do you honestly believe deep down
that there is no one else out there for you

just because some computer says so?

I didn't use to, but there was math,
I got confused.

Love isn't a science.
You can't calculate a feeling.

When you fall in love with someone,
an 8.5 equals a perfect 10.

You're right.

If this thing is what you say it is,
it could be huge for my career.

Brace yourself, dude.
This is gonna blow your mind-hole.

You bastard.
I actually got excited about this.

- What?
- It's empty.

Wait, but if it's not here, that means...

Lily!

- Robin!
- What?

(EX CLAIMING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)

- Oh, my God! It's real!
- No, is it? Do something!

No! What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

It was the only thing I could think of!

Lily! Thank God!

(ALL EX CLAIMING IN PANIC)

Lily, I love you!

Robin, open the window!

(SCREAMING)

Please, for the love of God,
open the window!

(WINGS FLAPPING)

It can fly.

ALL: Wow.

Be free, mutant beast.
I'll miss this private war of ours.

I grew to admire your tenacious...

Holy mother of God! It's headed this way!

Close the window!

Hi, Ellen.

I think I want my money back.

I'm a failure. I'm all washed up.
I tried everything, Ted.

I widened the search parameters,
I tweaked the program.

Last night, I stood out on the street
for five hours

showing your photo
to random pedestrians. No takers.

Although this transvestite hooker said
he/she would do you for half price

because you kind of look like John Cusack

and his/her favorite movie was
Say Anything,,,

Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of
ice cream. Isn't that a bit clich�?

It's for the bourbon.

This isn't hopeless.
You're gonna find someone for me.

No, I won't. You're gonna die alone.

I'm not gonna die alone. Look at me.
I'm bright. I'm attractive.

You just gotta get back out there
and keep looking.

No. You're never gonna find anybody.

And every year, you're just getting
older and it's getting harder and harder.

You're being ridiculous. I'm gonna be
up on that wall one of these days.

- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!

- How do you know?
- I don't know, but I believe.

Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse
can find love in this crazy city,

then damn it, so can I!

You're losing me.

The point is,
something good's gonna happen to me.

I mean, maybe your computer will help,
maybe it won't, but it'll happen.

- So I should keep looking?
- Of course you should.

And now, you're gonna do it for free.