All language subtitles for Coffee.and.Cigarettes.2003.720p.BluRay.X264-AMIABLE.eng

Yeah, uh, hello. You're Steve?

Steven. Steven. Hi.

- Sit down.
- Roberto?

- I'm all wound up,
- Yeah.

You're wound up? I'm wound up too.

- Yes.
- All wound up.

- Ahh... What are you drinking... coffee?
- Coffee. Yes

- νery good for me, coffee. For you?
- I love coffee.

- You love it too?
- I Love it.

- Steve!
- Steven.

Steve...

I love coffee.

What do you do?

Oh, you know, I just relax, sit around,
maybe have a cigarette.

Yes?

Cigarettes and coffee,
I think go together good.

I don't know, you think
you drink too much of it?

No. Coffee is good for health, yeah?

I like to drink before I go to sleep.

I drink a lot of coffee before I go to sleep.
So I can dream faster.

I can dream, like when they put a camera
on the Indy 500...

when they put a camera in the car,
and it's just whipping by like that.

Dream after dream after dream after dream.

People ask me the next day,
what did you dream about?

I say, I don't have time.
I don't have time to tell you this.

- Do you smoke?
- Only when I drink... coffee.

Do you know my mother?

- Do I know your mother?
- Yeah.

I don't know, I don't think so.

- Coffee. They should freeze it, you know?
- Yes!

Fill an icecube tray with coffee
and put sticks in it, for kids, you know?

So they can start out when they're kids.
When they're playing, and stuff.

Like a popsicle. A caffeine popsicle.

Νery good. I don't understand nothing. Yes.

- Can you hear me?
- What?

Can you hear me? It's very loud over here.

You having trouble hearing me?
Maybe we should switch.

Yes, thank you very much. I'd like to switch.

Ahh, good here.

- Good?
- I kinda liked it better over there.

- You go...
- Do you mind?

Yes, me, too. I prefer, yes.

- Steve...
- Steven.

Steve, yes.

- When do you leave?
- The United States?

No, here.

Here, oh... I have to leave, soon actually.
I have a dentist appointment.

But I don't want to go.
I don't like the dentist.

- Yeah.
- I gotta go. I guess.

- Yes.
- I haven't gone in a while.

Good. You don't go?

- I should go, but I don't feel like going.
- No?

Steve, I am free. Very free.

You wanna go for me?

Thank you very much.

- You want to go to the dentist?
- I can go for you.

Great.

- Here's the address.
- Good.

Good. Νery good.

- The name of the guy.
- Yeah, 4:30.

- Steven, thank you very much.
- No problem.

- You don't mind?
- No, thank you.

Dentist appointment. Very good.

I have to go. I am sorry, Steve.

Steven.

Steve, yeah I have to go to the dentist.
I am late.

- Thank you, excuse me. Sorry...
- Take it easy, don't be late.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too, in a way.

What are we doing in Memphis, anyway?

- It was your idea to come here.
- Your idea.

It was my idea? It was your idea.

Very funny.

Don't smoke those sawdust cigarettes
in here.

I hate those things.

- So what.
- What are you, a cowboy?

- These are fresh. This is fresh tobacco.
- No, this is fresh.

- This is the stupid dope fresh cigarettes.
- That stuff is stale. What are you, crazy?

- I'm not crazy.
- Shut up.

How we doing here? Need a refill?

- Yeah.
- No.

Sir?

- Yes.
- Oh yes.

- Hey!
- Shit! I'm sorry.

- Come on man, what are you doing, man?
- Damn, I'm sorry about that.

Let's not even pay the check.
This place is terrible.

This all you're going to have?
Just ahh...

- Give me a light.
- Just coffee and cigarettes?

That's not too healthy, is it now?

- Can I get you a sandwich or something?
- No.

- You all from around here?
- No.

Are you brother and sister?

- Yes.
- No.

Are you two twins?

- Yes.
- No.

Yes we are.

I thought so.
You know y'all remind me of?

- Who?
- Heckel and Jeckel.

Shit.

You know ahh... the talking magpies?

Anyway, who's the evil twin?
That's the way it works, right?

- This coffee tastes like mud.
- Really.

Which one of us do you think
looks like the evil one?

I'd say he's the evil one, right?
He's got the evil eye.

- I'm only kidding.
- You better be.

Hey, you know, I just thought of something,
with you two being twins and all.

- Y'all go to Graceland yet?
- No.

Oh, you should. It's real cool.

- Mind if I sit down?
- Yes I do.

Yes, you can sit down.
What are you, on a break?

No really, but it's kind of slow.
Tell you what, you can help me out.

Just stay right there. You got me covered
and my boss can't see me.

It's his evil nature, right?

Well anyway what I just thought of.

Do you know that
Elvis Presley's got a twin brother?

Yeah, his name is Jesse Garon.
You know, Elvis' middle name is Aron.

Aron, Garon. Anyway, everybody thinks
he died at birth, you know?

But my theory is...

that his mother didn't wanna raise two kids,
you know, she wasn't expecting twins.

She couldn't afford to raise them both,
she gave one away.

She just sent one off.

So he grew up, Jesse that is grew up
in Arkansas, or Mississippi, or something.

So he didn't know he had a brother, Elvis.
But one day, like 1968 or 69...

...he's looking at himself in the mirror
and says, "Damn, I look like Elvis."

So he comes to Memphis, looks up Elvis.

Elvis sees him, he says,
Yeah, you're my brother. I can't believe it!

How you doing? What can I do for you?

And his brother says, well I don't know.

Sure would be nice
to be you for one night.

So Elvis has this concert
where his brother sang.

They tried to see if they could trick people.
And damn if he didn't sound like his brother.

Then Elvis had an idea.

Well? I'm kinda tired of the music scene.
I'll send him out on tour.

Big mistake! You see, cuz' it was his brother
who started to go to vegas...

...and wear them big collars
and the white jumpsuits, and the capes.

Elvis wouldn't do that.
And it was his brother who got really fat.

You know, eating those
banana-fried butter sandwiches and all.

The Colonel said, man we gotta get rid
of this guy, you know?

He can't be Elvis anymore.

So they started feeding him pills.
I think they killed him.

So what? What are you saying?
What's the punch line?

- You all Elvis fans?
- No.

Oh.

You want to hear something about Elvis?
I'll tell you something about Elvis, okay?

- You ever heard of Otis Blackwell?
- No ma'am.

- You ever heard of Junior Parker?
- No ma'am.

Yeah, I didn't think so.
You know, Elvis robbed their music, man.

He paid them ten bucks for their music,
and all these other black musicians, too.

- That's what I think of Elvis.
- See now, here's where my theory fits.

I don't think it was Elvis.
I think it was his brother.

Oh, so in that case, it's alright, huh?

My favorite Elvis quote is, "The only thing
coloreds can do for me is shine my shoes."

I don't think The King said that.
See, I think it was his evil twin.

Danny, what you doing over there?
You got tables to wait on. Come on.

- I'll be right back.
- Yeah, don't get fired, man.

Danny!

Slap-happy hillbilly.

Cheers.

Something smells funny in here.

Hey!

Is that my shirt you got on?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, I think it is.
This doesn't smell like me.

Yeah? What do you smell like?

I smell like me,
and this doesn't smell like me.

- I smell like me too.
- But this smells like you.

That's because I am me.

Is that my shirt?

- Why are you always copying me anyway?
- No. I'm not copying you.

- Why don't you get your own style?
- I have my own style.

No, you're always copying me.
Your style is my style, because you copy it.

- It's my style.
- No it's not your style.

Service is bad, coffee is bad, music sucks.

Hey. Those are my shoes!

- Those are my shoes.
- Those are my shoes...

- Those are my shoes.
- Those are my other shoes.

Bullshit.

- Hey.
- Hey Tom.

- Alright...
- Alright, I'm glad you could make it.

- You are here.
- Yeah.

Yeah, hey you know you can call me Jim.

I mean, you know, my friends call me Jim,
Jimmy or Iggy... or Jiggy.

Call me J... Call me Iggy.
Call me Iggy. Yeah.

OK. Alright, which ever way you go,
I'll go either way, Jim or Iggy...

Iggy. You call me Iggy.

Look, I'm sorry I'm late Jim.
Boy, whoo, four car pile-up.

I delivered a baby this morning at
about 9 o'clock.

I was saving lives,
I was out there on the highway, it was...

You know there's nothing worse than
roadside surgery.

You know, you don't have your own tools,
and it's just, it's murder.

I performed a tracheotomy
with a ballpoint pen...

I've been busy.

Wait a minute, you're a doctor?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm a doctor.

Music and medicine really,
it's really been my thing...

...it's combining the two and
living in that place where they overlap.

A lot of people say it shows up in the music,
you know, I don't know. I mean it's...

- Well yeah, okay...
- Yeah?

- Yeah I can see that.
- Yeah. Yeah?

Wow! Yeah, okay.

I can... The organization and the whole thing.
And the humanity, I guess...

The humanity of the thing. Sure.
The "regard."

- Yeah. The regard.
- Ahh...

Well I guess it was a big day for you then.

Yes, it was a medical morning.

- Everybody's alright?
- Everybody's fine.

- Well...
- You've been here awhile, I see.

Yeah, I've been here. Drinking a little coffee.

- Yeah, I see.
- I ordered you some.

You ordered for me?

I mean, is it cool, is that cool?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Coffee, yeah...

- I could go for coffee.
- Okay man.

Come on, have some coffee. Yeah.

Okay, coffee it is.

Those your cigarettes?

No. No, they were just sitting here
when I got here.

- You don't smoke do you?
- Nah. I gave it up.

- Me either. Oh boy.
- Enough of that.

That was enough. 25 big ones. Oh boy.

Finished.

- Got the energy now.
- Ohh... I feel great.

Boy, since I quit, I mean,
boy... just everything...

Yeah, you're focused.

- Zeroed in, bang! You know?
- Me too.

I feel sorry for suckers still puffing away,
you know?

- No willpower.
- No willpower. Pacifier...

You know the beauty of quitting is that,
now that I've quit...

...I can have one. Because I've quit.

You know, I mean it's like jewelry...
you know, it's not really...

I don't even inhale really.

You want to join me in one?

- Well yeah, since I quit. I mean...
- Yeah,

- Okay. Okay.
- Now that you've quit.

- You can have one.
- Yeah,

I can do that. Alright. Okay.

Hey boy, thank you!

You know what I mean?
Now that we've quit...

Hey, cigarettes and coffee, man.

That's a combination.

Can't beat it.

You know, we're really like the coffee and
cigarettes generation,

when you think about it.

I mean, in the 40's,
it was the pie and coffee generation.

Like Abbot and Costello on TV, man!
They always wanted pie and coffee.

Yeah. Yeah, like Abbot and Costello!
They were always ordering pie and coffee.

Have some coffee!
Have some pie and coffee!

What are you waiting for?

You hang out here a lot?

Yeah. Yeah. This is my hangout.

Huh. I just wondered, because I didn't see
anything of yours on the jukebox.

Well, I mean if you don't like it here...

we could go down to Taco Bell or something.
Maybe that's more your style.

What are you saying, man?
You saying, like,

I'm like a Taco Bell kind of guy?

No. I mean, if... you don't like it here,
you said, you don't like it here.

No, no. I didn't... I didn't say that.

We could go to
the International House of Pancakes.

Maybe that's more up your alley.
I don't know.

I didn't say that. I mean,

I don't want to go to
the International House of Pancakes.

I'm comfortable.

Coffee is good though, at IHOP.

Oh, you like the coffee down there at IHOP?

I drink the coffee at IHOP. I like the coffee.
You don't like it?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

Hey, I like the IHOP coffee.

- Classy brew. Classy brew.
- Yeah. Yeah. That's good coffee.

Yeah, that's good coffee at the IHOP.

Wow, wow, I almost forgot. Listen.

I worked with this drummer
the other day in L.A.

And this guy, man, his name is Giant Robo.

And he's clangin' and bangin' and
really hard, Man,

I thought of you.

Maybe you wanna ch... This is somebody
I think you oughta check him out!

Oh yeah?

You mean, uhh...

you think I need a professional drummer?
Like I'm not good enough?

What are you talking about?

No. No. I'm just... You know. It's a musician.

I thought, I just wanted to tell you
about this guy. It'd be great, man.

It's like, hard, and industrial,
and he's beating, and I just thought, wow.

What are you trying to tell me?
I need a drummer?

I could use a drummer?

The drumming on my record sucks?
What are you saying?

Ahh, forget it man. Forget it.

You know what?
I think I really gotta get going.

Oh you gotta go?

Maybe another cup?
Maybe another cig...

Boy, I'd like to. No. No... Gotta go.

I really gotta go. I mean...

My wife, she's alone, in a motel.

- Oh yeah...
- Yeah, you know...

Call her up, come on down here,
have a cup of coffee, couple of cigarettes.

- She doesn't smoke.
- Oh.

- You know, it's the willpower.
- Oh I see.

- I don't wanna start her...
- No...

I don't want to get her started.
This is just our little thing here.

Yeah, right. Yeah...

Well, hey, Just sorta...

We can just keep zippin' along, you know.

I'll be thinkin'... I'll be thinkin' of ya'.
Gotta go.

Well, I guess so. Well...

See ya' soon.

Yeah, okay.

Wish you could stay a little longer.

Oh boy, I... I...

We were just starting to get going here.

Gotta go.

- Okay.
- Okay Jim.

- Next time.
- Okay, next time.

- Take care.
- You take care too.

He's not on here either.

- You're a fucking moron, you know that?
- Now what?

I can't believe that you're still smoking
those fucking things.

Νinny, they'll fuck you up.
They'll kill you. Believe me.

What, were you put on this fucking Earth
to annoy me?

You said you were going to quit,
instead, you spend a fortune.

So those big tobacco companies
can get fucking rich!

And then you get cancer...

And then the fucking doctors
and the hospitals, they can get rich.

And the undertakers too!

All because you want to smoke
like a fucking moron.

Well I can't help it.
I'm fucking addicted, okay?

So coffee and cigarettes.

That's your lunch? That ain't healthy, is it?

You're drinking coffee
so don't break my fucking balls!

Νinny, I had lunch already.

So I'm on a diet, okay? Jesus!

Here comes my freaking kid.

Do me a favor,
don't tell your mother. Please.

What the fuck am I talking about...
She smokes like a fucking locomotive anyway.

How you doing Junior?

He don't talk much, does he?

Not lately. Lately he's been the silent type.

I gave you 10 bucks last night,
so what'd you do with it?

I just gave you 5.

Listen, I'll give you 1 more. That's it.

Do I at least get a hug? For 6 bucks,
do get a freaking hug?

10 bucks for a hug?

You got to be out of your freaking mind!

Alright come here, I'll give ya'...

You better go get yourself something to eat
and something good.

Yeah, just like him.
Get some coffee and cigarettes!

Oh brother,
what the fuck are you talking about.

Look at how much fucking coffee
you're drinking!

You got the whole fucking pot
over there with you.

So what.

They always bring me a whole pot.
I like coffee. Keeps me going.

Keeps you going, right.
You're a fucking maniac.

A caffeine maniac.

You're drinking coffee aren't you?

- Yeah.
- So?

So maybe you should try to quit.

Hey, hey. I ain't no fucking quitter.

Fucking moron.

Aw shit, here comes my kid again.

How much did you spend?

And that's all you got for 4 bucks?

Peas and something to drink for 4 bucks!

- What the heck is in that bag?
- It's those Chinese peas.

They're not?

They're Japanese?
Chinese, Japanese. Same thing.

Try one.

Jesus Christ, tastes like black pepper!

Give me those...

Little bastard! Did you see that?

He tried to fucking poison me!

No he didn't Joe. Listen to me.
Those things are very expensive.

They're like a delicacy. A refined taste.

Refined taste, my ass...

Jesus Christ, not again.

Now I can't even light a fucking cigarette
around here without getting fucking busted!

You know something?
You really are a fucking moron.

I'm gonna get to those big tobacco companies,
and I'm going to thank them...

...when they put you in the fucking ground.

And did I ever tell that you're like a
fucking wife that I don't need.

Can't even enjoy a fucking cigarette.

Excuse me Miss. Umm...
Can I get you some more coffee?

Ahh,

I really wish you hadn't done that.

I had it the right color, the right temperature.
It was just right.

Sorry.

Uhh... Hi.

Sorry. Sorry about the coffee...

Sorry.

Does your name happen to be Gloria?

No.

Because I thought maybe you...

You're not friends with umm...

Sorry.

So, can I get you something else?
A sandwich, something to eat...

...along with your coffee?

It's not a very healthy lunch
just the coffee and cigarettes.

It's not my lunch, okay?

Sorry.

Alex...

You startled me.

How are you, Isaach?

Okay?

Very well.

I'm happy to see you.

I was so sick of being in Paris.
You can't imagine.

Sit down.

So I was happy to get your call.

A long time we didn't see each other. No?

I ordered you some coffee. Okay?

Oh yeah, sure. Thanks.

So everything is okay?

Yeah.

Everything is okay. Very good.

I am fine.

So are you sure everything's okay with you?

Yes.

Everything is okay.

And you?

Me? Things are okay.

Not perfect you know,
but pretty much okay, yeah.

Good. I'm very happy to see you.

I'm happy to see you, man.

It's just that since I didn't see you
for so long...

...and you called to say
you wanted to see me.

I thought maybe something was wrong.

No. I just wanted to see you. That's all.

Me too, man. I wanted to see you too.

Are you sure there's nothing
you want to tell me.

Nothing bothering you?

But why,

do you want something to be wrong?

Hey, not at all.

But when I got your call,

but I had an intuition that
something was bothering you.

Something... maybe you need to talk about.
That's all, man.

Isaach. There is nothing wrong. Really.

Okay?

Are you sure?

Are you crazy, Isaach?

Are you sure you have nothing...

to, you know, to let out?

Should I invent something bad?
I could invent something bad for you.

Not at all. No. No...

I don't want you to invent something.
You know, I'm your best friend.

You should feel completely free
to tell me the truth.

To tell me whatever it is bothering you.

Cut the shit.

Okay. Okay. I understand. That's cool.

Thank you.

Hey, no problem.

Isaach, no problem.

Well, I guess I'm gonna go.

Really? So soon?

Yeah, you know man,
if you don't want to talk to me about it,

I don't want to be a problem.

There is no problem, Isaach.
Don't you understand? No problem.

I understand. But listen.

If you don't want to talk now...
Call me anytime, okay?

Now maybe it's not the right time
for you, that's all.

So, I was very happy to see you.

Yes. Me too.
I'm sorry to disappoint you.

But there is nothing wrong. Really.

It's okay, guy.

I understand.

No. You don't understand.

Call me, Alex.

See you, Isaach.

Soon.

- Hi... So nice to see you.
- Me too...

It's been ages.

Yeah. Yeah.

Last time was what?
A couple of years ago in Sydney, wasn't it?

Really, was that 2 years ago?

Wow. How are Jeff and Beryl?

Oh you know, same old, same old.

Still stuck in their odd little parental ways.

So you're not with
Mr. Cate and the baby on this trip?

Ahh... No. No. Unfortunately
I'm by myself. I'll see them next week.

- Everyone's good?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I want a baby. At some point.

What can I get for you?

What you having Catie?

Oh umm... Can I have a espresso, please?
In a large cup.

Yeah, I'll have an espresso too,
thanks. A double.

And can I have some hot milk on the side?
And could you heat it?

- I think we can manage that.
- Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I know you haven't got a lot of time.

Oh. Don't worry about it.
I wish I could stay longer.

Do you stay here overnight?

Or do you just do
your press stuff here? Your junket.

Oh no. No, I stay overnight.

And I do the interviews here too.
It's easier...

I do my interviews in my suite,
in the room, upstairs.

And I just thought they're setting up
for the next interview

and I just thought maybe
it would be nicer if we met down here.

No thanks Shell'. You're not...

Oh go on.
They're not going to stop you smoking!

- Here you go cous'.
- Thanks.

So you mean, they give you
this full-on hotel suite,

then they also use it for your publicity?

Yeah.

Seems kind of... cheap.

Well, I mean, it's a suite.
So they just divide up the room.

Yeah, but why couldn't they get you a suite

and get another suite to do your press in?

Well it's pretty low budget,
Shell', this thing I did.

Yeah, still.

Pretty cheap, man.

Can I get you anything else?

- No thanks, that's great.
- You're welcome.

So umm...

Kinda weird getting in here.
I almost didn't.

Until they found out I was your cousin.

There's some photographer-Paparazzi
guys hanging out front.

I guess they kinda follow you around.

Oh you know, whatever so called
celebrities are around I suppose.

God that must be a real fucking drag
sometimes, right?

Not like me, I'm free!

Practically broke. But I'm completely free.

No one's stalking me,
that's for fucking sure.

Except when they thought I was you.
I got into this club once because...

...they thought I was you.

And then they found out I wasn't,
and asked me to leave.

Pretty fucking rude.

Don't get me wrong, it must be fabulous.

You got it all. You got a good husband,
beautiful baby.

Travel all over the world,
stay in fancy hotels.

Parties...

Yeah, well, you know what they say,
the grass is always greener.

So how's umm...

Shit ahh...

- Johnny.
- Who?

Jimmy... Tim... Tommy.
Sorry. How is he?

Oh Tommy...

We broke up almost 2 years ago.

Tommy, Yeah. What a dickhead.

Nah, got a new boyfriend now. Lee.
Remember?

He's in a band. Wrote you about him.

He's a pretty huge part of my life.

Sorry, Shell', but I don't think you did.

Yeah, I even sent you his fucking CD!

Your assistant probably didn't give it to you.

It's okay, it's totally cool.
I know how busy your life is.

Do you remember where you sent it?

No. I mean, one week you're in L.A.

Then you're in London,
then you're in Sydney.

I mean you're in a different fucking city
every day of the week.

I'd love to hear the music.
What does it sound like?

Well it's really...

kinda hard...

...industrial, kind of throbbing...

I don't think you'd get it.

Well what are they called?

They're called, Sqürl.

Squirrel.

No. Sqürl. You know, like they say it here.

S-q-ü-r-I.
With an umlaut over the U. Sqürl.

Oh Sqürl. I get it. Right.

So I mean, can I buy the CD.
Until I find the one you sent?

No. Well not yet.

I mean, they recorded it
independently. You know, so...

But I think the record company's
going to put it out. Finally. Yeah.

I think.

Well I'm going to have to find that CD
so I can listen to it.

You're never going to find it.

Shell', that isn't fair. Actually...

Well it's true. You're not going to find it.

Really.

Because I just remembered I didn't...

actually send it to you.

I think I just thought
about sending it to you.

Oh, hey. Almost forgot.

This is for you.

Thanks. What is it?

Oh wow, this is really expensive stuff!
Must've cost hundreds!

Yeah. Cool, thanks, yeah.
I could use this stuff.

Make me look like a movie star, right?

- Cheers.
- Cheers, gorgeous.

Seriously, Catie. Thanks for seeing me.

Oh no, thanks for seeing me.

And thanks for all the fancy swag.

Oh, it's nothing.

It is swag, isn't it.

They probably give you
all kinds of free stuff.

Jewelry, clothes.
Probably give you cars, right?

No, they don't give me cars.

Yeah well they sometimes give me makeup
from time to time. But I just...

...thought, I don't know, I just wanted...

I didn't have time to go shopping.

No really it's fine, I mean,
it's great. I can use it.

It's just funny, don't you think?
That when you can't afford something...

...it's like really expensive.

And then when you can afford it...
...it's, like, free.

Kinda backward, don't you think?

Yeah well, the world's a bit like that
I guess, in a lot of ways.

Oh, speaking of paparazzi,

I saw these photos of you the other day
in the tabloids.

Oh don't tell me that. Yuck...

What was I wearing?

Oh, sorry...

Yeah? Hello? Hi Lindsey.

Yeah, I'm downstairs,
in the coffee room with my cousin, Shelly.

Already, really?

Okay, yeah. Yeah,
I'll be up in a minute. Okay. Bye.

- Got to get back to work?
- Yeah.

Back to the grind.

Do you want to come up to the room?

It won't be very interesting
but I mean, you're welcome to come up.

What, and watch you do
TV interviews and stuff?

Like Entertainment Tonight?

Yeah.

Yeah. Well maybe you can send me
that CD or a letter or something.

Yeah, but you wouldn't read it.

Oh stop it. I would if you actually sent it.

- I've really gotta go.
- Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

- It was great seeing you.
- Yeah.

- Have you got my numbers?
- Yeah.

Oh take care.
Send my love to everyone.

Yeah, send my love to everyone on your end.

If they even remember me.

- Bye Catie.
- See ya Shell'.

Put that on my room,
and anything else she wants.

Hey maybe next time
I'll get to meet Lou.

Yeah...

It's Lee...

Ahh excuse me.

Could I have a tequila, thanks.
A double. And the menu.

I'm sorry,
there's no smoking in the lounge.

So Jack, you going to tell me
about your Tesla Coil?

You said you didn't want to hear about it.

Yeah, I know, but that was awhile ago.

Well, I don't know
if I want to talk about it.

Come on Jack. You dragged it all the way
down here in your little red wagon.

Come on, just tell me about it.

Well I built it based on the inventor,
Nikola Tesla's original designs.

It's an air transformer...

...with primary and secondary coils
that are tuned to resonate.

It's basically a step-up transformer...

...which converts relatively low-voltage,
high current, to high-voltage,

low current at high frequencies.

Do you remember when we were kids

you had a little Barbie makeup mirror?

Yeah I remember that.

Had a little fluorescent light on it.

Well Nikola Tesla invented fluorescent light.

Without him, we wouldn't have
alternating current...

...radio, television, x-ray technology,

induction motors, particle beams, lasers.

None of that would even exist
if it weren't for him.

Or the rock band, Tesla.

Funny.

Tesla was a true genius.

If we would have paid more attention
to his ideas...

The world would be a much better place.
We'd have free mass communication.

Free transportation.
Free energy for everyone.

That's why they discredited him
in the end.

For free energy.

He perceived the Earth...

...as a conductor of acoustical resonance.

What a beautiful idea.

So Jack, are you going to show me
how the coil works?

Yeah, alright.

You'll need these.

- Alright, you ready Meg?
- I'm ready.

Damn it. Something went wrong.

It was cool though.

Yeah, but it wasn't supposed to stop.

It was supposed to keep working.
I don't know what happened.

Think maybe you blew a capacitor?

No I didn't blow a capacitor, Meg.

Maybe it tripped your GFI.

Yeah, your "ground fault interrupter."

Yeah I know what a GFI is.
That's not what happened.

You don't have to snap at me.

I think maybe your spark gaps are too far
apart on your spark coil vibrator.

Ahh... Yeah that could be it.

I guess.

Yeah, that is it. That's it.
You're right about that.

I didn't check that earlier.

Well I'm going to go home and check it out.

Are you going to go bowling, tomorrow?

Yeah I'll be there.

Alright, I'll see you there.

Earth as a conductor of
acoustical resonance.

Hello? Hello who is this?
Laura, hi, hi...

This is Alfred Molina, for Steve Coogan.

Alfred Molina.

M-o-l-i-n-a.

The actor, yes.

Well I was just double checking
that Steve...

...Oh he is. Great, great, great.

Well just in case you need it,
my cell-phone number is... Hello?

Hello, Alfred?

Steve hello.

Hi. Hi. I'm so glad you could make it.
Please sit down.

I was just talking to Laura, your assistant.
...seeing if you were on your way here...

- I'm here.
- Fantastic.

I took the liberty of ordering some tea.

Shall I be mother?

That's okay, I'll be my own mother.

Some milk there for you.

- Real tea!
- Yeah...

It's hard to come by.

I have this fantasy...

...if I ever won a Golden Globe or ahh...
an Academy Award,

I'd use the opportunity to tell the Yanks
how to make a decent cup of tea.

- Well here's to a good cup of tea.
- Cheers.

I love your ahh... I love your coat.

Yeah. Viv Westwood.

I just... I like...
I've got a weakness for British designers.

Yeah. I don't know
what it is about American designers.

They're just too... safe.

Aren't you going to be a little bit warm?
It's about 85 outside.

- Yeah. No, I take it off when I go out.
- Oh.

- It's just the air-conditioning.
- Right.

So how long have you been living in L. A?

Oh well, we've been here about 7 years.

- Wow.
- We love it here. We just love it here.

That's a long time. I do love visiting L.A.

But I always say, it's a great place to visit,
it's an even nicer place to leave.

The palm trees...
Palm trees annoy the fuck out of me.

Yeah, well it's not for everybody.

I like it here, but we came out here,
I came out here for the work and stuff.

It's great to...
It's great to finally meet you.

I got to say I'm a huge fan of your stuff.

All the stuff you've done on TV,
the comedy stuff...

I've got all... I've got all the tapes.

You know, I get them sent over.
It's fantastic.

Thank you.

Yeah I'm ahh...

you know, likewise...
I'm certainly very aware of you.

Oh great.

I saw that TV series you did.

Oh yeah, you saw that?

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Interesting.

- Yeah, we got cancelled.
- Yeah I heard that.

Comedy's such a difficult thing.

Yeah.

Well your career seems to be
going terribly well.

I mean, you've got a lot of heat
at the moment.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Is that why you're here?
- Well you know...

The merry-go-round of meetings.

It's nice, people are "finally"...

...starting to take a bit of notice.
Which is great.

- Are you meeting on anything interesting?
- Yeah...

I've got to say you were just...

fantastic in 24 Hour...

No, seriously, 24 Hour Party People
was just a knock-out. I mean, brilliant.

- Great work.
- Thank you.

- Really brilliant.
- I was...

And the reviews.

They were pretty fuckin' great.

I was amazed... because you know it was...

I didn't think many people would get
all the sort of, cultural references.

Sort of, Manchester, early 80's,
the whole kind of music scene...

You'd be surprised.

Yeah, but a lot of people really didn't have
any kind of reference to make to it.

Because of the...
They know about the bands over here.

But the whole thing, your character,
and his running the TV show...

Do you want a cigarette?

- Sorry, they're French.
- Oh, that's okay. Thanks.

No. I'll save it for later.

Oh, okay.

Umm so, Laura said...

...she said, that you were really
keen to meeting. Something she didn't tell me.

She wouldn't tell me what it was.

Well I didn't want to say it over the phone,
because it would've sounded weird.

I can imagine how she thought,
this was coming out of nowhere.

I phone her up, doesn't know me from Adam.
I must talk to Steve Coogan.

But I wanted to see you in person.

When I found out you were going to
be here for a couple of days...

...I thought this was the perfect opportunity...

Anyway... I'll get right to it.
I'm so excited about this.

Let me try and put it in context. I'm...

I've always had a big passion for history.

You know... and people's lives...

...and all the little events of
how you get from A to B.

And all the small details in people's lives,
are kind of really...

...full of epic qualities. You know?

So I've been doing all this research.

Anyway, I... I've come up with this.

And what state is... is it greenlit
or is it just a treatment? What stage is it in?

I'm sorry no. God, how embarrassing...
It's not some...

This isn't work, has nothing to do with work.
It's not you know, a project.

What this is,
is I did some genealogical research...

...and what I came across...
What I discovered was...

Mister Coogan?

Yes?

- It is you, isn't it?
- It is, yes.

Oh umm... I'm such a huge fan.

You're not that huge. Only where it counts.

Could I bother you for an autograph.

- Absolutely.
- Great.

I've been recognized.
Where do you want it?

Oh, umm paper is fine.

Spoil-sport.

- Oh no, no. Don't do that.
- Sorry.

- I probably have something in my bag.
- Okay.

Give me a second here.

Oh gosh. So sorry.

It's alright.

- Give me one more minute.
- Take your time.

Here, please, in there.

- Okay, and what's your name?
- Katy.

- Katy.
- With a Y.

Alright. What Katy did next.

- Hello.
- Alfred's an actor too.

- Here.
- Oh. Thank you. Great.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome. Never mind.

- Wow...
- Well, let's get back to this.

I don't want to take up
too much of your time.

- I know you're busy...
- Sure. Yeah.

As I said, I did this genealogical research.

I was just doing it for my own interest...

I wasn't looking for anything specific.
I just came across this.

I'll cut a long story short. Steve Coogan...

Drum roll. Umm,

well the thing is Steve.

You and I are cousins.

How do you mean?
What... Do you mean artistically?

No. No. No!
I mean in the normal way.

We're cousins. We're related.

Whoa.

- It's amazing isn't?
- Yeah. I mean... Are you sure?

See the way it works out is, look...

My great-great grandfather is
your great-great uncle.

And further back, we shared the same
great-great-great grandfather.

Wow, yeah... my ancestry is Irish
but I knew there was an Italian...

Well that's it! The Italian connection is

our great-great-great great grandfather,
Giuseppe.

- Wow.
- Isn't that amazing?

This is a lot of detail.

Yeah, well it's my thing. I kinda do a little...

Amazing.

I think it's just great to say that
I'm related to Steve Coogan.

Likewise, I can tell people
I'm related to Albert Molina.

Alfred.

Yeah...

No it's my Grandmother...
...who's the big one on the family tree.

She'll be very thrilled.
She's a huge fan of your work.

She loved you in...

Boogie Nights.

Oh right! With the shorts and
the shotgun? Yeah.

Yeah, she talked about that once.

Great. Great. But you know...
I know this is coming right out of the blue.

But just think of the possibilities.

It's fantastic, listen,
let's look at the facts.

We're both actors. We're cousins,
we've established that.

We could... We could maybe work together.

Do a play maybe.
We could make a... a movie.

We could actually do a movie
about this story.

About discovering this amazing thing
between us. That we're cousins.

The story could be two actors,
who discover that they're cousins.

We could actually play ourselves.

We'd be in the movie, I'd be Fred Molina,
you'd be Steve Coo... We'd be cousins.

In the movie. It's fantastic!

It'd be great. Absolutely great!

You know... or not. I mean, you know,
we could just hang out.

Yeah, no, we should definitely go for a beer
sometime. That'd great.

Maybe go on vacation together, you know.

Just the two of us,
sort of, get to know each other.

You're not gay are you?

No. No. No, no. I'm... I'm married.

Yeah, well, so was James the First.

Sorry. I don't know,
that popped into my head.

Say it, get it out of the way.
Know what I mean?

I understand.
I know exactly what you're thinking.

If somebody came up to me going,
I'm your cousin...

I'd think they were a nutter as well.
Take it from me, I'm not crazy.

I just think this is a fantastic, extraordinary,

delightful thing for me.

Absolutely.

- And I just wanted you to know about it.
- Ditto.

All I want, if I want anything is
for you to just,

acknowledge this extraordinary thing.
And...

and just love me.

Yeah. I could do that.

I have to... go.

I didn't tell you...

...I have this meeting.
It actually moved forward.

I see.

It's at Universal.
Number crunchers, financiers.

So umm...

This... This... Is this ahh...

- That's for you.
- Okay.

It's yours.

I'll make sure that gets filed.

Sure. Sure.

Well you're going to be here
for a couple of days, right?

So maybe we could see each other
before you go.

Yeah, ahh... Okay,
ummm... checking the mental diary...

This is not... This is not good.

The time I'm here. It's just backed up.

- I understand.
- I'm backed up.

Listen, no problem.

Give me your cell-phone number and
I'll call you before you go.

There's a story there... The... The...

The... There's a tri-band system here
in the states.

Which is different to...

...the system in the UK.
And it's a kind of... We...

The cell-phones... they don't work here.
So I'm kind of cell-phone less, in the U.S.

Oh I see. Well...
give me your home number, I'll call you.

- You've got my PA's number, right?
- Yeah.

Great, then we're connected.

Well, can't... can't you give me
your number at home?

Can I say no?
Because nothing, absolutely no...

...nothing personal. It's just I don't...

I never give my number out. Ever.

It's just a space... personal space thing.
I never... It's just a rule...

...and I always think, stick to the rule,
stick to the rule...

You know, stick to the rule. And...
it's more of a philosophy than a rule, really.

I can say...
I've not given my number out to many...

...eminent people in the past.

I once didn't give my number to Sam Mendes.
So you're in good company.

Well if it's good enough for Sam Mendes,
it's good enough for me.

Yeah.

- I think it's me.
- Oh that's right. Mine doesn't work.

I'm sorry, I got to take this...

Hello?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Spike, hi... How you doing?

Yeah, you got the message.

My agent just called you, just to
make sure we're all on the same page.

No the producer credit is just so
you and I...

Can sort of keep tabs on everything,

you know, artistic integrity,
all that sort of thing.

Otherwise the whole thing
could just run away.

Oh you bastard, no... Alright.

Yeah, you still okay for Sunday?
Good, alright.

Will I meet you there? Alright.

Nice and early. Okay yeah, yeah.
Lots of love.

Bye, bye Spike.

- I'm sorry about that.
- It's okay, okay... Fine. Fine.

So... Umm... You... Was...

Was that Spike Lee?

Oh no, no, no.
I don't even know Spike Lee.

No, that was Spike Jonze.

- Spike Jonze!
- Yeah.

- I love him!
- Yeah, he's a good man. Good man, Spike.

Yeah, we've been...
We've been friends for a long, long time now.

We're both keen hikers, We've...
Well, it's very boring.

No, no, no, go on.

Well we belong to a club.
And we go hiking on weekends.

He's a very, very, very committed
environmentalist.

Spike Jonze is a tree-hugger...

Jesus, I never had him down as that.

Well, I think he prefers the term,
leaf-people.

As do I.

Right, yeah, no... I mean, that's...
Don't get me wrong...

...I think it's great, I love trees.
I think there should be...

there should be more of them.
When I use paper, I use both sides.

Umm... I would love to...

You know, I'm going to tear up
that stupid rule about

phone numbers and... It's such shit.

Would it be shabby of me
to give you my number now?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

I've... I've got to go. I'm so sorry.

- I'll get the check.
- Good.

Fuck...

Damn RZA, where the fuck you at?

- Yo, yo, yo. Peace, yo.
- Bobby...

- Word, man. Word, word.
- Chill.

Pardon me for being late, Fam'.

Ain't nothing man, I was about
to hit you on the horn.

Yeah, I had a fucking
emergency house call, yo.

- House call?
- Yeah, house call.

Sophia and Sifu's children got sick with
the flu and the virus.

So I went by,
scored some herbal medicines for them.

I told them, lay off the dairy products.
Chill on the citric acid...

...and they should feel a little better,
you know?

Umm so, you a doctor now, or something?

Yeah, yo. I told you, yo!

I've been studying alternative medicine
for two years now, son.

I mean, ancient healing techniques,
and all that, yo.

Check this, yo. I even know
a certain surgical procedure

that I can perform using a drill-gun.

Electric drill-gun. I'm dead serious, yo.

But, yo, my hands are nice from being a DJ,
you know what I mean?

To me music and medicine all go together.

It's like two planets revolving
around the same sun. So... bong-bong!

- Want some tea?
- Yeah, splash me,

It's all herbals man. No caffeine.

That's what I'm talkin' about, no caffeine.
Caffeine is ridiculous right now, man.

Tell me about it.

That's what I'm saying, caffeine.
Caffeine leads to depression.

Makes you all irritable.

Have your heart beatin' fast,
faster heart rate, you know what I mean?

And worse than anything, you drink
that coffee it gives you the shits.

You know what I mean?
So I try to say away from that.

I'm off that shit anyway.

- Crisp and clean, no caffeine.
- Yeah.

- To liquid swords, family.
- Naw, to Bobby Digital.

- Wu-Tang forever.
- Wu-Tang forever.

Does anybody need more coffee?

- Kitchen's closing.
- Naw man, we don't mess with caffeine.

- You don't?
- Naw, I don't.

Don't you know caffeine can
cause serious delirium?

- Delirium?
- Serious delirium.

Oh now you tell me.
Well that may be my problem. Delirium.

Aren't you Bill Murray, man?
That's... You Bill Murray?

Yeah, I'm Bill Murray. But ahh,
let's keep that just between us, alright?

Just between us.

And you guys are, ahh... related.

Yeah, we're Cousins. We're Family.

No, you're messing with me,
'cause you're both trouble makers.

- Trouble makers!
- The Wu-Tang clan.

Right, Wu-Tang Clan.

- You're GZA, the genius.
- That's right.

- And you're RZA...
- A.K. A...

Bobby Digital.

Yeah, he knows hip-hop, yo,
he knows hip-hop.

And you're Bill Murray.

Bill Groundhog Day,
Ghostbustin' ass Murray.

- Who ya' gonna call!
- I know that. Just don't tell anybody, alright.

What you mean, don't tell anybody,
Bill Murray? I mean...

people are going to come in here,
they're gonna see you.

You're Bill Murray. It's obvious.

Unless you're wearing
a disguise or something.

Well, I am wearing kind of a disguise.

Damn that's harsh, money.

You're a real caffeine junkie, aren't you.

Just keep it down, just between us.
Here, cheers.

You know, before I gave that up...

...I used to drink it every night,

every single night up
until it was time to go to sleep.

It was to make me dream faster.

You know, like when they flash
those cameras on those Indy 500 cars?

And they just...

That's how my dreams were.
Just whizzin' by.

- You're stupid, yo.
- He is stupid, isn't he?

I know a guy who freezes coffee.
Puts sticks in it...

Has himself a coffee popsicle.

- A caf' pop.
- A caf' pop.

Damn...

That don't sound too good, Bill Murray!

It's not the flu or anything...
It's just smokers cough.

That's what I'm trying to tell you...
The nicotine, man.

Nicotine interferes with
the central nervous system.

Your respiratorial system,

I mean, in very small doses
it causes paralysis.

- Really?
- Yeah, really man.

I mean, just 50 milligrams alone...

...have been proven to be fatal
in a few minutes, man.

- How much is in one cigarette?
- 3 milligrams.

And did you know they also use nicotine
for an insecticide? To kill bugs.

It's good that it kills bugs, right?

Are you a bug, Bill Murray?

- Jesus, RZA, you sound like my doctor.
- He is a doctor...

Actually he specializes in
...alternative medicine.

That is, alternative to this planet.

Well... do me a favor and
don't tell anybody you saw me here.

- You can trust us Bill Murray.
- So Bill Murray.

You hiding out or something?

Yeah, sort of. Something like that.

Now I'm thinking it may be delirium.

- Serious delirium.
- Serious.

Well if you're on the low,

I got something
that'll help you with your disguise.

Take this.

- Use whatever you want.
- Oh geez...

Rock that, man. Stay on the low.

This is nice stuff.
You didn't have to do this. This is great.

A bag if items for you, Bill.

- Thank you.
- Don't worry about it.

I really appreciate this.

This is great.

Doc, what could I do for this cough?

Damn I was just thinking about that.
Check this out.

- You get some hydrogen peroxide.
- We got that. For cuts and stuff.

Take fifty percent hydrogen peroxide,
fifty percent water.

You gargle with it.
Do not swallow, spit it out.

Don't swallow, Bill Murray.

And if that doesn't work... Try oven cleaner.

I got that in the back too.

- Thank you.
- Cool.

Thank you. I'm going to try it right now.

- Word.
- Word.

- Word man.
- Bill mother-fuckin' Murray!

It's crazy yo.

- Yo. Yo. Yo. Yo, Three o'clock.
- What's up?

I told Ghost to be here by 3 am.

Don't hold your breath on that one, man.
You know how it is waitin' on Ghost.

We'll be here all night.

Think we can smoke a blunt up in this joint?

Nah, it's hot up in here with the 5-0.

But we always smoke weed in here though.

That was until Dirt Dog done blew it up.

I told Deflon, never let Dirty
inside this spot, man.

So what's up, what you want to do, yo?

- Yo, let's slide to the 'udio.
- Hit the 'udio, right. Play some chess?

- Yeah.
- Alright then.

Is that the bill... for Murray?

- He don't need no money, yo.
- Hit him anyway.

Think I should tip him?

You think he's using the oven cleaner?

I don't know, but let's get
the fuck out of here.

Are you alright, Taylor?

No, not really.

What's up?

I don't know.
I feel so divorced from the world.

I've lost touch with the world.

Do you know that song by Mahler?

"I've Lost Track Of The World"?

No.

It's one of the most...

beautiful saddest songs ever written.

I can almost hear it now.

Can you hear it?

Oh...

It's gone now. But did you hear it?

I think so.

It resonated right through
the whole building.

Where are we?

In the Armory, Taylor.

It sounds so heavy and ponderous.

The Armory.

Nikola Tesla.

Perceived the Earth as a conductor...

...of acoustical resonance.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Can you explain it to me?

No, not really.

I know. Let's pretend
this coffee is champagne.

Why would we do that?

Well, to celebrate life.

You know, like the rich, elegant people do.

The classy people.

I prefer coffee,
simple working man's coffee.

Oh, you're so provincial, Bill.

Do you know what your problem is?

What?

You have no joie de vivre.

I don't?

No, besides, this coffee is awful.

You're right, it really is bad isn't it?

Dreadful.

I propose a toast.

So, what should we toast.

Oh God... Paris.

In the 1920's. Josephine Baker...

The Moulin Rouge...

Qu'est-ce que c'est...
ca va... pa-pa...

And also, New York. In the 70's.

In the late 70's.

Really? Alright.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Delicious, isn't it?

Ahh, champagne. Nectar of the Gods.

Is that all you're having for lunch,
is a coffee and a cigarette?

It's not very healthy.

We had lunch earlier.

We did?

We're on, like a break here.
A coffee break here.

Oh, how depressing.

How long is our break, anyway?

About 10 minutes,
and it's nearly over now.

Say it isn't true.

- Well...
- What?

I asked you to say it isn't true.

Say what isn't true?

Oh, never, never, never mind.

Anyway, I have to have a nap.

So, call me when the break is over.

Well you have like 2 minutes or less
for your nap.

Taylor?