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1
00:00:01,564 --> 00:00:02,814
[Mabel Mora]
Who is Dudenoff?
2
00:00:02,815 --> 00:00:04,233
Do you know who's out to get me?
3
00:00:04,234 --> 00:00:05,692
[Helga] [on radio]
The last person who came around
4
00:00:05,693 --> 00:00:07,277
asking these questions got killed.
5
00:00:07,278 --> 00:00:10,030
We're illegally subletting
rent-controlled apartments.
6
00:00:10,031 --> 00:00:13,242
Professor Dudenoff retired to Portugal.
We send him rent.
7
00:00:13,243 --> 00:00:14,743
The voice on the ham radio said--
8
00:00:14,744 --> 00:00:17,246
- That was Helga, my ex-girlfriend,
- Your crazy ex-girlfriend.
9
00:00:17,247 --> 00:00:20,666
You may have heard about our little
"firearms moment" at the photo shoot.
10
00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:21,833
- [gunshot]
- [people screaming]
11
00:00:21,834 --> 00:00:23,043
It's Glen! He's still alive!
12
00:00:23,044 --> 00:00:25,504
[Zach Galifianakis]
They got me in my fat!
13
00:00:25,505 --> 00:00:27,422
Dudenoff? He's been cashing
social security checks
14
00:00:27,423 --> 00:00:29,132
at a bodega on 125th Street.
15
00:00:29,133 --> 00:00:30,926
[Mabel]
There's two left shoulders?
16
00:00:30,927 --> 00:00:34,096
Sazz's body wasn't the only one
in the incinerator.
17
00:00:34,097 --> 00:00:36,807
It belongs... to Dudenoff.
18
00:00:36,808 --> 00:00:38,809
Oliver, I wanna marry you.
19
00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:41,019
Whosever cashing
Dudenoff's checks is after you.
20
00:00:41,020 --> 00:00:44,106
Your friend Howard says
he knows who killed Dudenoff.
21
00:00:44,107 --> 00:00:46,692
Wasn't just one person cashing his checks.
22
00:00:46,693 --> 00:00:49,027
He found five different signatures
23
00:00:49,028 --> 00:00:51,071
- with one phone number.
- Hello?
24
00:00:51,072 --> 00:00:52,240
[Howard gasps]
25
00:00:53,867 --> 00:00:55,368
They know.
26
00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:01,165
[artillery exploding]
27
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:05,168
[Milton Dudenoff]
Alfred Hitchcock's Lifeboat is a film
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00:01:05,169 --> 00:01:10,132
set entirely in a small boat
filled with disparate characters
29
00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:13,886
who learn how far they'd go
to survive the rough waters
30
00:01:13,887 --> 00:01:15,679
of their perilous circumstances.
31
00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,264
[♪ jaunty music playing]
32
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In New York City,
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00:01:18,850 --> 00:01:23,645
a lifeboat can look a lot like
an affordable apartment in a nice building
34
00:01:23,646 --> 00:01:25,772
on the Upper West Side.
35
00:01:25,773 --> 00:01:27,232
[Vince Fish]
Can I go in this way?
36
00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:28,317
[pedestrian]
Hey, taxi!
37
00:01:28,318 --> 00:01:29,401
[elevator doors shut]
38
00:01:29,402 --> 00:01:32,363
[♪ jaunty music continues]
39
00:01:35,575 --> 00:01:38,536
- [elevator dings]
- Well, I can make another tape. I c--
40
00:01:39,871 --> 00:01:42,831
- Hey!
- Hey. Call-- call me back.
41
00:01:42,832 --> 00:01:45,292
You got one of those fancy invites
from Dudenoff, too, huh?
42
00:01:45,293 --> 00:01:48,045
Yeah, it's so, uh, "murder mystery."
43
00:01:48,046 --> 00:01:50,172
I think it was delivered by a raven.
44
00:01:50,173 --> 00:01:53,259
- Is your eye okay?
- Yeah, it's probably just allergies.
45
00:01:54,093 --> 00:01:56,011
Hey! You guys got an invite, too?
46
00:01:56,012 --> 00:01:57,888
[laughs] Yeah. Check out this cardstock.
47
00:01:57,889 --> 00:02:00,975
He knows we can, like, text, right?
48
00:02:02,185 --> 00:02:03,644
Is someone gonna knock already?
49
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:06,355
[in European accent]
Wait for me! Wait for me!
50
00:02:06,356 --> 00:02:08,440
- Helga!
- I brought my new girlfriend.
51
00:02:08,441 --> 00:02:10,108
I hope that is okay.
52
00:02:10,109 --> 00:02:12,653
Of course.
Who would turn away Hammy Faye Bakker?
53
00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:14,488
[Inez]
Piggy in a blanket!
54
00:02:14,489 --> 00:02:15,865
[Hammy squeals]
55
00:02:18,535 --> 00:02:19,618
Oh, hell!
56
00:02:19,619 --> 00:02:21,411
Look who it is.
57
00:02:21,412 --> 00:02:23,998
Come on in. Make yourself comfortable.
58
00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:27,000
I'm about to change your lives.
59
00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:30,087
[♪ lively theme song playing]
60
00:02:30,088 --> 00:02:33,174
[♪ vocalizing]
61
00:03:12,005 --> 00:03:13,339
[♪ theme song fades out]
62
00:03:14,424 --> 00:03:18,219
- [♪ curious music playing]
- [car engine starting]
63
00:03:19,095 --> 00:03:21,263
[Charles-Haden Savage]
One thing about choosing a safe house
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00:03:21,264 --> 00:03:22,432
filled with your family.
65
00:03:22,891 --> 00:03:24,392
[Oliver Putnam]
What's that, Charles?
66
00:03:25,059 --> 00:03:28,562
[Charles] It makes going home to a
building full of murderers more appealing.
67
00:03:28,563 --> 00:03:30,231
- [car sputtering]
- [Oliver grunts]
68
00:03:34,152 --> 00:03:36,153
- [car hissing, rattling]
- [Mabel] Seriously?
69
00:03:36,154 --> 00:03:38,907
[Oliver] [coughing gags]
Okay, just put-- [sighs]
70
00:03:39,782 --> 00:03:43,076
[sighs] No, no, no.
Charles, use your hips.
71
00:03:43,077 --> 00:03:45,412
Up and around like a hula hoop.
Do this thing.
72
00:03:45,413 --> 00:03:47,372
- [Charles] It's not helping.
- Would you just let me?
73
00:03:47,373 --> 00:03:50,459
No, I can do it. It's just a problem
with the, uh, th-the fuselage.
74
00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:52,836
How do neither of you know how
to pop the hood of a car?
75
00:03:52,837 --> 00:03:56,590
- Because real men hire other men, Mabel.
- Triple-A says they're 15 minutes away,
76
00:03:56,591 --> 00:03:59,468
and it's good to leave them something
to do 'cause it makes 'em happy.
77
00:03:59,469 --> 00:04:02,555
- You're a real philanthropist. Hang on.
- [musical ring tone]
78
00:04:03,056 --> 00:04:05,891
[groans] They're calling again! Ignore!
79
00:04:05,892 --> 00:04:08,852
- [Oliver mutters, sniffs]
- Well, while we're waiting,
80
00:04:08,853 --> 00:04:10,854
we should probably do a recap.
81
00:04:10,855 --> 00:04:12,481
Here's what we know so far.
82
00:04:12,482 --> 00:04:15,275
This Dudenoff guy has a bunch
of rent-controlled units,
83
00:04:15,276 --> 00:04:17,194
and he moved the Westies in.
84
00:04:17,195 --> 00:04:21,031
Then, even though they need him alive
to keep their homes,
85
00:04:21,032 --> 00:04:23,033
they kill and burn him.
86
00:04:23,034 --> 00:04:25,035
And then, they cash
his checks to cover it up.
87
00:04:25,036 --> 00:04:29,081
And when poor Sazz caught onto them,
they shot her from Dudenoff's apartment.
88
00:04:29,082 --> 00:04:30,874
And then, they shot at me, barely missing
89
00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:33,168
the most essential person
to our investigative work.
90
00:04:33,169 --> 00:04:35,212
I can't believe Vince Fish would do this!
91
00:04:35,213 --> 00:04:36,880
He was my Wordle buddy!
92
00:04:36,881 --> 00:04:39,800
- [ringtone plays]
- Oh! [growls] Hold on.
93
00:04:39,801 --> 00:04:42,427
Oh. Th-They're FaceTiming us now.
94
00:04:42,428 --> 00:04:43,845
- [FaceTime answers]
- Hello?
95
00:04:43,846 --> 00:04:47,849
Hey, guys! So the sexy half
of this crime-solving sextet
96
00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:49,351
has some thoughts.
97
00:04:49,352 --> 00:04:51,353
Don't you have to go to rehearsal?
98
00:04:51,354 --> 00:04:53,897
Now that we know that we're indispensable,
we cannot leave you alone.
99
00:04:53,898 --> 00:04:55,983
We are professional investigators,
100
00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:58,193
and you are playing us
in a movie because of it!
101
00:04:58,194 --> 00:04:59,653
We are fine on our own!
102
00:04:59,654 --> 00:05:01,905
Hey, can we just, uh,
mute you for a second?
103
00:05:01,906 --> 00:05:03,824
If you're muting us, we're muting you!
104
00:05:03,825 --> 00:05:05,577
[Zach] [on phone]
Okay, good. Muting each other.
105
00:05:06,244 --> 00:05:07,244
[Zach sighs]
106
00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:08,954
Are these dumb-dumbs gonna ruin this?
107
00:05:08,955 --> 00:05:11,123
Uh, y-you didn't mute us.
108
00:05:11,124 --> 00:05:13,959
Oh, sorry about that. Uh, muting now.
109
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:16,753
- What happened? I'm muted. [snorts]
- [Eva Longoria] No, we can still hear you.
110
00:05:16,754 --> 00:05:19,089
Tell you what? Let's just not mute!
111
00:05:19,090 --> 00:05:21,133
[over phone]
We need to find someplace safe to plan.
112
00:05:21,134 --> 00:05:23,176
Anywhere but the Arconia.
113
00:05:23,177 --> 00:05:24,761
[♪ curious music playing]
114
00:05:24,762 --> 00:05:27,389
Okay. I know just the place.
115
00:05:27,390 --> 00:05:28,932
[car hissing]
116
00:05:28,933 --> 00:05:30,393
♪
117
00:05:32,730 --> 00:05:34,771
Okay, but how do we get a confession?
118
00:05:34,772 --> 00:05:38,108
Well, I have an idea,
but it involves someone.
119
00:05:38,109 --> 00:05:40,736
- Swear to God, if you say Tony Danza--
- It's Tony Danza.
120
00:05:40,737 --> 00:05:43,780
Eugene, can we go one day
without you mentioning Tony Danza?
121
00:05:43,781 --> 00:05:44,907
[production set chatter]
122
00:05:44,908 --> 00:05:45,992
[Mabel]
Hey, look.
123
00:05:47,619 --> 00:05:50,412
[Oliver gasps, laughs weakly]
124
00:05:50,413 --> 00:05:52,207
[Charles]
How could my character live here?
125
00:05:52,582 --> 00:05:54,792
The albums, not alphabetized.
126
00:05:55,877 --> 00:05:57,127
Oh! Nice.
127
00:05:57,128 --> 00:06:01,006
Nice.
A first edition touching a second edition!
128
00:06:01,007 --> 00:06:03,343
Yeah, brilliant. That's really good.
129
00:06:04,344 --> 00:06:05,345
Oh, really?
130
00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,932
- [Oliver] Oh.
- [Zach] Okay.
131
00:06:09,933 --> 00:06:11,892
So, we bust in on the Westies
with two celebrities
132
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,602
- and Eugene.
- [Eva] Mm-hmm.
133
00:06:13,603 --> 00:06:14,686
Then, what?
134
00:06:14,687 --> 00:06:16,146
It's almost go-time on the movie,
135
00:06:16,147 --> 00:06:18,106
so I'm gonna pump my cheeks
while we spitball.
136
00:06:18,107 --> 00:06:20,150
- Can we get back to my idea for a minute?
- [Zach exhales]
137
00:06:20,151 --> 00:06:21,235
Because it's so simple.
138
00:06:21,236 --> 00:06:23,862
We invite the Westies to, yes,
139
00:06:23,863 --> 00:06:26,365
Tony Danza's 35th annual
140
00:06:26,366 --> 00:06:28,825
"It's Time To Wear White Pants
Extrava-Danza."
141
00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:32,579
Tony Danza was a 1980s television star of
Who's the Boss?
142
00:06:32,580 --> 00:06:34,957
- I don't care. It's okay.
- [Oliver] Oh.
143
00:06:34,958 --> 00:06:37,543
Then, we tell the Sauce Family
that Tony wants
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00:06:37,544 --> 00:06:40,254
to start his own line of sauces called
145
00:06:40,255 --> 00:06:41,630
"Who's the Sauce?"
146
00:06:41,631 --> 00:06:44,466
The Westies will then spill their story
147
00:06:44,467 --> 00:06:48,720
on account of Danza's, uh,
neighborhood wise-guy charisma.
148
00:06:48,721 --> 00:06:51,390
- Danza's the perfect plan-za.
- Mm.
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00:06:51,391 --> 00:06:52,766
I love it. I love it.
150
00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:55,102
I would change it slightly
and maybe not do it.
151
00:06:55,103 --> 00:06:58,606
And instead,
surprise them with a ding-dong.
152
00:06:59,607 --> 00:07:02,276
- Wh-What...?
- Uh, say more about the ding-dong.
153
00:07:02,277 --> 00:07:06,154
In soapy TV,
a "ding-dong" is a-a sexy surprise.
154
00:07:06,155 --> 00:07:08,907
It's like a-a long-lost brother returns,
155
00:07:08,908 --> 00:07:11,285
or, uh, your paralyzed uncle
156
00:07:11,286 --> 00:07:13,370
starts to walk again after 40 years.
157
00:07:13,371 --> 00:07:14,872
Y-You're overthinking it.
158
00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:17,958
One of them snapped, killed Dudenoff,
and the others are covering for 'em.
159
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,459
All we need to do is get them talking.
160
00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,545
I say that we invite the Westies
161
00:07:21,546 --> 00:07:24,131
to a celebrity-studded...
162
00:07:24,132 --> 00:07:26,508
super-sized game of Oh Hell at Oliver's.
163
00:07:26,509 --> 00:07:27,843
That's good.
164
00:07:27,844 --> 00:07:30,220
Right. Our own turf.
The key is to remain calm.
165
00:07:30,221 --> 00:07:33,181
Well, having precise control
of our emotions
166
00:07:33,182 --> 00:07:35,183
is what actors do best.
167
00:07:35,184 --> 00:07:36,894
Yeah, the question is can you three do it?
168
00:07:36,895 --> 00:07:38,937
First of all, I am an actor!
169
00:07:38,938 --> 00:07:40,063
Well, let's not go crazy.
170
00:07:40,064 --> 00:07:43,859
But also, I'm entirely capable
of catching the killer of my dear friend
171
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,905
who only wanted to open
a trampoline park so young--
172
00:07:51,868 --> 00:07:53,493
I need to lie down.
173
00:07:53,494 --> 00:07:56,205
[production set chatter continues]
174
00:07:56,206 --> 00:07:59,250
Where the fuck is my bedroom?!
175
00:08:00,001 --> 00:08:01,877
- [Oliver growls]
- [♪ gentle plucky music playing]
176
00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:04,004
[Mabel]
I hope Charles can hold it together.
177
00:08:04,005 --> 00:08:07,466
Confronting a friend's killer
just brings up a lotta shit.
178
00:08:07,467 --> 00:08:10,053
[device buzzing]
179
00:08:11,137 --> 00:08:12,138
[Oliver growls]
180
00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:14,890
Oh, sorry. Just tightening my pores
181
00:08:14,891 --> 00:08:18,936
with the Lady Longoria 19-in-1 Multitool.
182
00:08:18,937 --> 00:08:20,521
This is the infrared setting.
183
00:08:20,522 --> 00:08:22,314
Yeah, it's also a nail gun,
184
00:08:22,315 --> 00:08:25,317
has a Phillips head, and a vibrating head.
185
00:08:25,318 --> 00:08:27,945
- [Oliver laughs]
- [cell phone ringing]
186
00:08:27,946 --> 00:08:29,947
- Hello?
- [Loretta Durkin] [on phone] Hi!
187
00:08:29,948 --> 00:08:32,741
- Oh, hey, baby. It's my fiancée.
- [Loretta giggles]
188
00:08:32,742 --> 00:08:35,827
We're getting married
this weekend! [laughs]
189
00:08:35,828 --> 00:08:37,704
[in Cary Grant impression]
Hello, my darling love.
190
00:08:37,705 --> 00:08:38,789
This weekend?
191
00:08:38,790 --> 00:08:41,875
I know, he's a little old
to have a shotgun wedding.
192
00:08:41,876 --> 00:08:44,963
Yeah. More like a musket wedding.
[wheezing laugh]
193
00:08:47,465 --> 00:08:48,716
Where did he go?
194
00:08:49,384 --> 00:08:50,384
[multitool buzzing stops]
195
00:08:50,385 --> 00:08:53,053
Hey, look, it's also a recorder.
196
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,138
[clicks button]
197
00:08:54,556 --> 00:08:56,808
[sing-songy]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
198
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,977
[recorder plays] [auto-tuned]
♪ Eva, you're a genius! ♪
199
00:08:59,978 --> 00:09:02,855
It has auto-tune. [giggles]
You wanna try it?
200
00:09:02,856 --> 00:09:05,942
Uh, don't--
Definitely don't wanna touch that.
201
00:09:06,734 --> 00:09:08,236
[clicks button, buzzing resumes]
202
00:09:08,820 --> 00:09:09,945
- Yeah. Okay.
- [Loretta] Yeah.
203
00:09:09,946 --> 00:09:12,197
No, no, honey. I-I will--
I will handle it all.
204
00:09:12,198 --> 00:09:14,324
- [Loretta] I can't believe we're here.
- I know. It's exciting.
205
00:09:14,325 --> 00:09:15,784
Uh, no, I'll,
I'll make the arrangements.
206
00:09:15,785 --> 00:09:17,452
Okay, I love you, too. Goodbye.
207
00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:19,872
- [production set chatter]
- [Oliver sighs]
208
00:09:19,873 --> 00:09:20,957
[Zach]
Hey, that's my seat.
209
00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:23,917
Oh! [laughs] Of course it is.
210
00:09:23,918 --> 00:09:25,837
I, uh, I keep forgetting.
211
00:09:26,504 --> 00:09:28,714
- Okay.
- We getting married this weekend?
212
00:09:28,715 --> 00:09:30,007
I am.
213
00:09:30,008 --> 00:09:32,510
Please don't tell me
you're gonna do it at a courthouse.
214
00:09:33,428 --> 00:09:35,470
Weddings demand spectacle.
215
00:09:35,471 --> 00:09:38,307
Music, speeches, AK-47s
shot right up in the air.
216
00:09:38,308 --> 00:09:40,435
Zach, I didn't realize
you were a fellow romantic.
217
00:09:40,977 --> 00:09:43,770
Weddings are the most
important part of a marriage.
218
00:09:43,771 --> 00:09:45,355
My wife and I get married quarterly.
219
00:09:45,356 --> 00:09:48,150
The venue sets the tone
for your life together.
220
00:09:48,151 --> 00:09:50,485
When we want playfulness,
we get married at the beach.
221
00:09:50,486 --> 00:09:52,362
If we've been fighting, then...
222
00:09:52,363 --> 00:09:54,364
it's at the site of
an important armistice.
223
00:09:54,365 --> 00:09:56,951
Yalta, Potsdam, Camp David.
224
00:09:57,577 --> 00:09:59,369
We needed a lot of those.
225
00:09:59,370 --> 00:10:02,956
- Well, Loretta said a courthouse is fine.
- Oh, she's right. It's perfect
226
00:10:02,957 --> 00:10:04,626
'cause you'll be right back there
for the divorce.
227
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:06,793
- Zach?
- Yes.
228
00:10:06,794 --> 00:10:09,213
- We're rehearsing scene 13.
- Which one is that one?
229
00:10:09,214 --> 00:10:12,007
The one where Oliver explains
why his previous marriage failed.
230
00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:13,468
Oh.
231
00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:16,262
- [set bell rings]
- [set chatter continues]
232
00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:19,473
Are you okay, Charles?
233
00:10:19,474 --> 00:10:22,935
I-I don't think I've ever seen you angry.
234
00:10:22,936 --> 00:10:26,523
And to be honest, it would layer
my performance if I could, uh,
235
00:10:27,232 --> 00:10:28,774
see what it looks like.
236
00:10:28,775 --> 00:10:31,026
Well, uh, yes, I am angry. And no,
237
00:10:31,027 --> 00:10:33,028
uh, you'll not see what it looks like
238
00:10:33,029 --> 00:10:35,697
because it's not socially acceptable.
239
00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:37,324
Eugene, you wanna practice
flipping omelets?
240
00:10:37,325 --> 00:10:39,826
Oh, the infamous omelet bit.
Yeah, yeah. Good. Thanks.
241
00:10:39,827 --> 00:10:41,203
I'll, uh, practice. Anyway,
242
00:10:41,204 --> 00:10:44,081
I'm curious. I mean,
a-are-are you a yeller?
243
00:10:44,082 --> 00:10:46,583
- Do you get violent?
- Oh, no. Worse.
244
00:10:46,584 --> 00:10:48,835
But it hasn't happened
in decades because of my
245
00:10:48,836 --> 00:10:51,296
emotion suppression technique,
246
00:10:51,297 --> 00:10:55,092
which involves breathing and a lot of,
247
00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:57,178
uh, room straightening.
248
00:10:58,471 --> 00:10:59,472
[omelet splats]
249
00:10:59,973 --> 00:11:00,974
[Charles gasps]
250
00:11:06,521 --> 00:11:09,898
[♪ gentle plucky music playing]
251
00:11:09,899 --> 00:11:11,442
There you go.
252
00:11:12,151 --> 00:11:13,152
[Eugene clears throat]
253
00:11:14,153 --> 00:11:15,154
This bother you?
254
00:11:17,156 --> 00:11:18,658
- No.
- This bother you?
255
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:22,619
- No.
- [Eugene Levy] Does this bother you?
256
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,162
Why are you doing that?
257
00:11:24,163 --> 00:11:25,623
- Does this...
- [Charles yelps]
258
00:11:30,295 --> 00:11:32,505
♪
259
00:11:35,049 --> 00:11:36,384
[quiet street noise]
260
00:11:36,926 --> 00:11:38,927
Okay, they'll be here any minute.
261
00:11:38,928 --> 00:11:41,388
Now, I know we're all running hot.
We have a podcast,
262
00:11:41,389 --> 00:11:43,974
two murders, a wedding,
263
00:11:43,975 --> 00:11:45,225
but we're gonna stay calm.
264
00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:47,436
Well, we can stay calm way more
than you can stay calm.
265
00:11:47,437 --> 00:11:50,064
- It's not a competition.
- It's now a competition.
266
00:11:50,607 --> 00:11:52,816
I've set my sphincter to clenching,
267
00:11:52,817 --> 00:11:55,319
- unclenching, re-clenching.
- [knocking on door]
268
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,405
- It's them. It's them.
- Okay. Okay.
269
00:11:59,115 --> 00:12:01,700
Maybe I could throw together
a wedding booze cruise.
270
00:12:01,701 --> 00:12:03,368
That's the blueprint
you want for your marriage?
271
00:12:03,369 --> 00:12:05,204
You're freezing, you end up nowhere,
272
00:12:05,205 --> 00:12:06,622
and the maid of honor fucks the skipper?
273
00:12:06,623 --> 00:12:08,540
- [knocking on door]
- [Oliver snorts]
274
00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,793
- [Charles] Come on, come on, come on.
- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
275
00:12:13,713 --> 00:12:14,714
[knocking]
276
00:12:17,217 --> 00:12:19,051
Oh, hell-o!
277
00:12:19,052 --> 00:12:20,427
[laughter]
278
00:12:20,428 --> 00:12:22,054
We brought snacks.
279
00:12:22,055 --> 00:12:24,473
[Inez]
Can't play cards without jamón!
280
00:12:24,474 --> 00:12:26,183
[Alfonso]
That's right, mami.
281
00:12:26,184 --> 00:12:27,726
Okay. Well, thanks, guys, for coming.
282
00:12:27,727 --> 00:12:29,561
We figured we'd host
since it's a big group.
283
00:12:29,562 --> 00:12:32,397
Ah, please.
Any friends of yours are friends of ours.
284
00:12:32,398 --> 00:12:34,733
Especially if they're Hollywood stars.
285
00:12:34,734 --> 00:12:37,486
- [laughter]
- You can't tell 'cause of the eye patch,
286
00:12:37,487 --> 00:12:39,530
but I'm winking playfully.
287
00:12:39,531 --> 00:12:40,614
[laughter]
288
00:12:40,615 --> 00:12:42,241
- [door slams, lock clicks]
- [Mabel and Eva gasp]
289
00:12:42,242 --> 00:12:43,450
Let's go.
290
00:12:43,451 --> 00:12:44,576
[knife slices]
291
00:12:44,577 --> 00:12:46,537
We know you know about the checks.
292
00:12:46,538 --> 00:12:48,622
Give us your phones now!
293
00:12:48,623 --> 00:12:51,458
[♪ dramatic music playing]
294
00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:52,543
[Oliver grumbles]
295
00:12:52,544 --> 00:12:54,545
♪
296
00:12:54,546 --> 00:12:55,629
[Eva mutters]
297
00:12:55,630 --> 00:12:58,758
♪
298
00:13:01,808 --> 00:13:03,929
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
299
00:13:03,930 --> 00:13:06,515
- So, what's your move now, Vince?
- [Vince] You're gonna sit there,
300
00:13:06,516 --> 00:13:08,559
you're gonna listen to our story.
301
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,478
Okay, everyone on my team, stay calm.
302
00:13:11,104 --> 00:13:13,981
Although killers do always tell you
their story before they kill you.
303
00:13:13,982 --> 00:13:18,485
They're gonna try to humanize themselves
with long origin stories.
304
00:13:18,486 --> 00:13:20,863
Exactly. Like if we had gone through that,
305
00:13:20,864 --> 00:13:22,823
we would've killed
and eaten Dudenoff, too.
306
00:13:22,824 --> 00:13:25,285
- We didn't eat him.
- Yeah, but you killed him, right?
307
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,122
Okay. So,
308
00:13:29,706 --> 00:13:31,916
Dudenoff used to come to our restaurant.
309
00:13:32,292 --> 00:13:35,419
Milton and his wife were regulars,
until she passed.
310
00:13:35,420 --> 00:13:37,963
Then, he started ordering in.
311
00:13:37,964 --> 00:13:41,466
And when we were understaffed,
we delivered to him on our way home.
312
00:13:41,467 --> 00:13:43,635
Oh, hell!
- [indistinct chatter]
313
00:13:43,636 --> 00:13:45,929
[Ana]
He looked so alone in his little studio.
314
00:13:45,930 --> 00:13:49,474
[Inez] He invited us in.
We started playing cards.
315
00:13:49,475 --> 00:13:52,060
[Alfonso]
Oh Hell on Friday nights.
316
00:13:52,061 --> 00:13:53,896
It started to become a regular thing.
317
00:13:53,897 --> 00:13:56,106
- [Dudenoff] Please, please.
- Okay. So, the, uh,
318
00:13:56,107 --> 00:14:00,152
the secret ingredient here
is Jamón Ibérico.
319
00:14:00,153 --> 00:14:03,739
- Oh, well, nobody makes it like you do.
- [Alfonso] Oh, thank you.
320
00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,616
Our dream, actually, is to, uh,
321
00:14:05,617 --> 00:14:08,660
start our own line of sauces.
And I-I know this sounds crazy,
322
00:14:08,661 --> 00:14:11,205
but Tony Danza would be an investor.
323
00:14:11,206 --> 00:14:12,289
[soft laughter]
324
00:14:12,290 --> 00:14:13,540
[Eugene]
So, you killed him
325
00:14:13,541 --> 00:14:18,420
because he didn't deliver
the last piece of the dream?
326
00:14:18,421 --> 00:14:20,339
Don't say Tony Danza.
327
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:22,257
Sauce Dad said it first!
328
00:14:22,258 --> 00:14:23,926
- We didn't kill him!
- Never.
329
00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:25,802
- Yeah. We definitely did not kill him.
- We loved him.
330
00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:28,430
- Then, Crazy Rudy killed him.
- Crazy? Me?
331
00:14:28,431 --> 00:14:31,808
[♪ "Deck The Halls" playing from sweater]
332
00:14:31,809 --> 00:14:32,935
[Rudy sighs]
333
00:14:32,936 --> 00:14:34,896
I don't know why I keep
replacing the battery.
334
00:14:36,022 --> 00:14:37,398
Lovely.
335
00:14:38,149 --> 00:14:40,609
I met Professor Dudenoff eight years ago.
336
00:14:40,610 --> 00:14:42,236
I was trying to be an actor,
337
00:14:42,237 --> 00:14:45,030
I was holding down five jobs,
and I signed up for his class.
338
00:14:45,031 --> 00:14:46,532
I remember my first acting class.
339
00:14:46,533 --> 00:14:47,950
It was a film class.
340
00:14:47,951 --> 00:14:51,036
It was in a closet of a basement
of a subway stop.
341
00:14:51,037 --> 00:14:52,997
Most of my scene partners
were sex workers.
342
00:14:54,123 --> 00:14:55,332
[Rudy Thurber]
Okay. [clears throat]
343
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:59,169
One day, we watched A Few Good Men
in Professor Dudenoff's class.
344
00:14:59,170 --> 00:15:01,630
I ran up to him afterwards on the street,
and I said,
345
00:15:01,631 --> 00:15:05,133
I'd studied a monologue from
that film for my previous class.
346
00:15:05,134 --> 00:15:07,761
He asked me to do it, and I did.
347
00:15:07,762 --> 00:15:10,764
I did the whole thing,
right there at the bus stop.
348
00:15:10,765 --> 00:15:13,058
- It went something like this.
- Oh...
349
00:15:13,059 --> 00:15:14,810
"You want answers?"
"I think I'm entitled."
350
00:15:14,811 --> 00:15:16,687
"You want answers?"
"I want the truth!"
351
00:15:16,688 --> 00:15:18,856
- "You can't handle the truth!
- [Oliver mouthing along]
352
00:15:18,857 --> 00:15:20,357
"Son, we live in a world that has walls,
353
00:15:20,358 --> 00:15:22,401
"and those walls need to be
guarded by men with guns.
354
00:15:22,402 --> 00:15:23,485
"Who's gonna do it? You?
355
00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:25,153
"You, Lieutenant Weinberg?
356
00:15:25,154 --> 00:15:26,280
I have a greater respons--"
357
00:15:26,281 --> 00:15:28,240
I-I'm sorry. Are you gonna do
the whole monologue?
358
00:15:28,241 --> 00:15:31,244
Yeah, I was gonna do the whole thing.
I think it's worth it.
359
00:15:32,328 --> 00:15:35,622
"I have a greater responsibility
than you can possibly fathom!
360
00:15:35,623 --> 00:15:37,249
"You weep for Santiago...
Saves lives...
361
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:41,128
"My existence, while grotesque and
incomprehensible to you, saves lives.
362
00:15:41,129 --> 00:15:42,796
"You don't want the truth
because, deep down,
363
00:15:42,797 --> 00:15:44,840
"in places you don't
talk about at parties,
364
00:15:44,841 --> 00:15:46,675
"you want me on that wall!
365
00:15:46,676 --> 00:15:48,343
"You need me on that wall...
366
00:15:48,344 --> 00:15:50,470
"Otherwise, I suggest you pick up
a weapon and stand a post.
367
00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:54,224
Either way, I don't give a damn
what you think you're entitled to!"
368
00:15:54,225 --> 00:15:56,602
"Did you order the code red?"
"I did the job."
369
00:15:56,603 --> 00:15:59,354
"Did you order the code red?"
"You're goddamn right I did!"
370
00:15:59,355 --> 00:16:02,649
- Oh... Oh, that was wonderful.
- [Rudy panting]
371
00:16:02,650 --> 00:16:03,734
♪
372
00:16:03,735 --> 00:16:04,943
I blew his socks off.
373
00:16:04,944 --> 00:16:08,447
And he invited me back
to his place at the Arconia.
374
00:16:08,448 --> 00:16:10,532
- That's my jam.
- And this? What's this?
375
00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,618
Uh, that is a ham radio.
376
00:16:12,619 --> 00:16:14,161
What do you do with a ham radio?
377
00:16:14,162 --> 00:16:17,122
No, it's just-- it's just a hobby,
you know? A-And a very...
378
00:16:17,123 --> 00:16:19,625
[Rudy] Of course,
I got my own ham radio.
379
00:16:19,626 --> 00:16:21,293
And ultimately, we all did.
380
00:16:21,294 --> 00:16:23,462
And Professor Dudenoff looked at me.
381
00:16:23,463 --> 00:16:24,838
He said...
382
00:16:24,839 --> 00:16:26,965
You know, you're really very good, Rudy.
383
00:16:26,966 --> 00:16:28,926
Thank you. That...
384
00:16:28,927 --> 00:16:30,011
That means a lot to me.
385
00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,096
[sighing]
386
00:16:33,097 --> 00:16:34,682
Let me ask you somethin'.
387
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:38,353
If your life were a movie,
388
00:16:39,812 --> 00:16:41,939
what would be your happy ending?
389
00:16:41,940 --> 00:16:44,483
And that's when he touched
your Santa sack,
390
00:16:44,484 --> 00:16:45,651
and you had your "happy ending."
391
00:16:45,652 --> 00:16:47,444
- [Mabel] Eva!
- [Eva] What?
392
00:16:47,445 --> 00:16:49,571
[Rudy]
No! I said I wanted to stay in the city,
393
00:16:49,572 --> 00:16:51,907
keep performing, keep trying,
394
00:16:51,908 --> 00:16:55,452
and live with fewer roommates
who use towels as toilet paper.
395
00:16:55,453 --> 00:16:57,955
That was my dream.
396
00:16:57,956 --> 00:17:01,041
So, Charles, that leaves
397
00:17:01,042 --> 00:17:02,793
your "friend" Vince.
398
00:17:02,794 --> 00:17:05,963
He exposed you to pink eye,
and what did you get?
399
00:17:05,964 --> 00:17:07,464
Lies!
400
00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,924
And, likely, pink eye.
401
00:17:08,925 --> 00:17:12,053
Come on, doesn't that make you... angry?
402
00:17:12,887 --> 00:17:14,513
[Charles quietly wheezes]
403
00:17:14,514 --> 00:17:16,265
Oh, I'm fine.
404
00:17:16,266 --> 00:17:17,432
I'm suppressing,
405
00:17:17,433 --> 00:17:19,601
and I'm suppressing, and suppressing,
406
00:17:19,602 --> 00:17:21,688
and I'm... good.
407
00:17:22,814 --> 00:17:25,524
Alright. Since none of you seem
408
00:17:25,525 --> 00:17:27,986
to be on the verge of a psychotic break.
409
00:17:28,862 --> 00:17:30,863
Before my wife died, she made me promise
410
00:17:30,864 --> 00:17:33,740
that I wouldn't turn into
one of those weird lonely old men.
411
00:17:33,741 --> 00:17:35,617
Now, we both loved movies,
412
00:17:35,618 --> 00:17:38,871
so when I saw Professor Dudenoff's flyer
for his film class,
413
00:17:38,872 --> 00:17:43,000
I thought that this way was her way
of telling me to go out and make friends.
414
00:17:43,001 --> 00:17:45,586
But, oh, those kids...
415
00:17:45,587 --> 00:17:49,381
[♪ "Auld Lang Syne" playing]
416
00:17:49,382 --> 00:17:53,428
♪ Lang... Syne! ♪
417
00:17:54,137 --> 00:17:56,638
- [♪ song ends]
- [Dudenoff] You know, the reason
418
00:17:56,639 --> 00:18:02,645
It's A Wonderful Life is timeless
comes down to one thing.
419
00:18:04,147 --> 00:18:06,523
Casting. You know,
420
00:18:06,524 --> 00:18:09,611
if you can populate your story
421
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,821
with the right people,
422
00:18:13,281 --> 00:18:14,740
your work will live forever.
423
00:18:14,741 --> 00:18:17,451
[sighs]
Sorry, but the movie isn't timeless.
424
00:18:17,452 --> 00:18:19,244
It's pro-capitalist gaslighting!
425
00:18:19,245 --> 00:18:20,913
George Bailey's life still sucks,
426
00:18:20,914 --> 00:18:23,499
- and Potter just gets away with it.
- [Vince] [emotional] No!
427
00:18:24,292 --> 00:18:26,043
No, you missed the point! [sniffles]
428
00:18:26,044 --> 00:18:28,629
George ends up with his family.
Potter's all alone.
429
00:18:28,630 --> 00:18:30,797
- I like being alone.
- [scattered laughter]
430
00:18:30,798 --> 00:18:33,884
Well, excuse me, Mr. Life Experience.
431
00:18:33,885 --> 00:18:35,845
[sniffles] But being really alone?
432
00:18:37,347 --> 00:18:39,973
There's nothing worse.
You don't smile, you don't laugh,
433
00:18:39,974 --> 00:18:43,018
you stop caring about
what food tastes like 'cause...
434
00:18:43,019 --> 00:18:44,103
[sniffles]
435
00:18:45,104 --> 00:18:47,731
you still wake up alone again without her.
436
00:18:47,732 --> 00:18:48,815
Every class...
437
00:18:48,816 --> 00:18:51,109
But Dudenoff, him I liked.
438
00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:53,612
"...hates poor people.
This movie hates trees."
439
00:18:53,613 --> 00:18:55,280
Why do they have to be
so mad all the time?
440
00:18:55,281 --> 00:18:57,950
- This world's a dumpster fire.
- [Vince] It sure is.
441
00:18:57,951 --> 00:19:00,494
In this city, you know, kid,
442
00:19:00,495 --> 00:19:04,706
you can't even afford an apartment
unless Mommy and Daddy pay for it.
443
00:19:04,707 --> 00:19:08,126
- And why can't a movie just be a movie?
- [Dudenoff sighs]
444
00:19:08,127 --> 00:19:10,087
[♪ soft music playing]
445
00:19:10,088 --> 00:19:12,256
Jack Lemmon in The Apartment.
I-I-I didn't know that...
446
00:19:12,257 --> 00:19:14,758
[Vince] And he invited me
to join his weekly card game.
447
00:19:14,759 --> 00:19:16,218
[Dudenoff]
I-I feel empathetic.
448
00:19:16,219 --> 00:19:18,804
[Vince] I had no idea
why he knew we'd click...
449
00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:20,138
[muffled chatter]
450
00:19:20,139 --> 00:19:22,599
- ...but we did.
- [Rudy chuckles]
451
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,769
His wife had been a music teacher.
Back when the city was cheap,
452
00:19:25,770 --> 00:19:28,230
whenever a unit would
open up on their floor,
453
00:19:28,231 --> 00:19:31,483
they would grab it. You know,
she'd use it for music classes or,
454
00:19:31,484 --> 00:19:35,029
you know, uh, let a kid stay there
if he was going through tough times.
455
00:19:35,780 --> 00:19:36,780
But with her gone,
456
00:19:36,781 --> 00:19:41,035
Professor Dudenoff was living
amid, um, an empty hallway.
457
00:19:41,786 --> 00:19:44,080
He just couldn't bear to
give up those apartments.
458
00:19:45,582 --> 00:19:48,376
And one night,
after many hours of Oh Hell,
459
00:19:50,962 --> 00:19:54,256
he decided that
he wasn't going to turn into
460
00:19:54,257 --> 00:19:57,343
one of those weird lonely old men.
461
00:19:58,887 --> 00:20:00,889
He broke the law for us,
462
00:20:01,347 --> 00:20:04,391
so that we could have
a chance at our dreams.
463
00:20:04,392 --> 00:20:06,184
But he had a dream, too.
464
00:20:06,185 --> 00:20:07,645
To live in Portugal.
465
00:20:08,146 --> 00:20:10,190
And he left. And, no,
466
00:20:10,857 --> 00:20:14,234
- we haven't heard from him since.
- [Alfonso] And, yes,
467
00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:16,695
we've been keeping up the ruse and...
468
00:20:16,696 --> 00:20:19,240
cashing his checks.
469
00:20:20,116 --> 00:20:21,909
So that's the whole thing?
470
00:20:21,910 --> 00:20:25,037
Yeah, we could do it again if you like.
I could do a comedy version if you want--
471
00:20:25,038 --> 00:20:26,455
[overlapping "Nos"]
472
00:20:26,456 --> 00:20:28,207
- Thank you.
- [Oliver] Oh God, no.
473
00:20:28,208 --> 00:20:30,501
- Okay, I think we're done here.
- [doorbell rings]
474
00:20:31,502 --> 00:20:32,503
Not yet.
475
00:20:34,172 --> 00:20:35,714
It's ding-dong time.
476
00:20:35,715 --> 00:20:38,133
[gasps] You pulled a ding-dong?
477
00:20:38,134 --> 00:20:39,468
- It was a good idea.
- [door opens]
478
00:20:39,469 --> 00:20:40,553
[♪ tense sting]
479
00:20:41,554 --> 00:20:43,765
- [door shuts]
- [♪ suspenseful music playing]
480
00:20:45,141 --> 00:20:47,143
- [Westies gasp]
- Helga?!
481
00:20:48,311 --> 00:20:49,728
What are you doing here?
482
00:20:49,729 --> 00:20:52,731
Mabel reached out on the ham radio.
483
00:20:52,732 --> 00:20:54,943
I'm here to tell the truth.
484
00:20:55,902 --> 00:20:58,196
We can't handle the truth.
485
00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:03,909
[♪ curious music playing]
486
00:21:03,910 --> 00:21:05,869
[Charles]
You're Helga?
487
00:21:05,870 --> 00:21:07,913
I imagined you toothless with a club.
488
00:21:07,914 --> 00:21:10,249
[scoffs] Disregard him, Helga.
489
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:13,253
His brain is covered with plaque.
Please go on.
490
00:21:14,337 --> 00:21:17,881
I-I first met Dudenoff
when I'd just become a locksmith,
491
00:21:17,882 --> 00:21:19,675
which was my childhood dream.
492
00:21:19,676 --> 00:21:20,759
Wait? Really?
493
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:24,137
No. Do I look like a locksmith? I'm hot.
494
00:21:24,138 --> 00:21:28,017
So, my father died
and left me the business.
495
00:21:28,768 --> 00:21:32,271
He was all I had until I met Dudenoff.
496
00:21:32,272 --> 00:21:35,859
[♪ muffled "Perfect Strangers"
theme song playing]
497
00:21:37,402 --> 00:21:38,862
[♪ Dudenoff humming along]
498
00:21:39,654 --> 00:21:41,154
[sings]
♪ Standing tall ♪
499
00:21:41,155 --> 00:21:43,073
You know, it's before your time,
500
00:21:43,074 --> 00:21:44,658
but that's the theme song to--
501
00:21:44,659 --> 00:21:47,202
It's Perfect Strangers, yes? I know.
502
00:21:47,203 --> 00:21:48,663
Yes.
503
00:21:49,414 --> 00:21:51,290
- Yeah.
- You know, I've never met anyone
504
00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,001
- who loses their keys this often.
- [lock clicks]
505
00:21:54,168 --> 00:21:57,504
Some people your age
put it on a retractable belt...
506
00:21:57,505 --> 00:22:00,550
It's not dementia.
I always lose my keys. I--
507
00:22:01,384 --> 00:22:04,636
My wife used to let me in, but...
508
00:22:04,637 --> 00:22:07,724
[♪ theme song continues]
509
00:22:09,017 --> 00:22:11,560
- Okay!
- [lock buzzes]
510
00:22:11,561 --> 00:22:13,312
- Ah, look at that.
- [Helga] So, uh,
511
00:22:13,313 --> 00:22:16,024
what is a code that someone
your age can remember?
512
00:22:17,942 --> 00:22:20,652
[sighs] How about, um,
513
00:22:20,653 --> 00:22:21,821
"Oh Hell"?
514
00:22:22,405 --> 00:22:24,072
Wait, like the card game?
515
00:22:24,073 --> 00:22:25,824
- You know it?
- [Helga] My father and I
516
00:22:25,825 --> 00:22:27,576
used to play all the time.
517
00:22:27,577 --> 00:22:29,579
I haven't since he died.
518
00:22:30,163 --> 00:22:31,872
[sighs] I'm sorry,
519
00:22:31,873 --> 00:22:34,208
you just look so much like him.
520
00:22:34,209 --> 00:22:35,918
Except, uh, he was tall.
521
00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:38,045
And blonde. And hot.
522
00:22:38,046 --> 00:22:39,130
[Dudenoff chuckles]
523
00:22:40,715 --> 00:22:43,301
Oh Hell and Perfect Strangers.
524
00:22:44,344 --> 00:22:45,595
Huh...
525
00:22:46,846 --> 00:22:49,389
You know, uh,
526
00:22:49,390 --> 00:22:51,683
we have this little
card game Friday nights.
527
00:22:51,684 --> 00:22:53,685
[Helga]
And that is how I met the gang.
528
00:22:53,686 --> 00:22:56,230
- Why not?
- [Alfonso] Mm! Mm!
529
00:22:56,231 --> 00:22:58,857
[Helga]
Yeah, I was there, too.
530
00:22:58,858 --> 00:23:01,151
I'm sure they didn't mention that.
531
00:23:01,152 --> 00:23:03,320
- Wow.
- [Alfonso] Yeah!
532
00:23:03,321 --> 00:23:05,656
[Helga] At first,
they were the nicest group of people
533
00:23:05,657 --> 00:23:07,783
I had met in New York City,
534
00:23:07,784 --> 00:23:10,786
a place I'd always wanted to call home.
535
00:23:10,787 --> 00:23:13,372
[Inez]
Helga, so where do you live, honey?
536
00:23:13,373 --> 00:23:15,082
Uh, it's a wonderful little hovel.
537
00:23:15,083 --> 00:23:17,292
It's only 85 train stops away.
538
00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:18,835
You'd love it.
539
00:23:18,836 --> 00:23:21,755
Then, he gave us these
nice cheap apartments,
540
00:23:21,756 --> 00:23:24,174
and he turned a bunch of perfect strangers
541
00:23:24,175 --> 00:23:26,677
into a family.
542
00:23:26,678 --> 00:23:28,762
But a few years later...
543
00:23:28,763 --> 00:23:30,764
[♪ somber music playing]
544
00:23:30,765 --> 00:23:32,267
...he was gone.
545
00:23:33,268 --> 00:23:34,269
[keys jingle]
546
00:23:36,187 --> 00:23:38,230
Said he felt bad doing it in a note,
547
00:23:38,231 --> 00:23:40,858
but he'd had enough of goodbyes.
548
00:23:40,859 --> 00:23:42,151
He was off to Portugal.
549
00:23:42,902 --> 00:23:46,948
After helping us with our dreams,
he wanted to live his.
550
00:23:47,365 --> 00:23:49,658
- [power snaps, whirs down]
- [♪ music stops suddenly]
551
00:23:49,659 --> 00:23:51,743
- [lights click, power whirs back]
- [♪ music restarts]
552
00:23:51,744 --> 00:23:55,664
I knew the power only surged
when the old incinerator was used,
553
00:23:55,665 --> 00:23:58,667
but I didn't suspect anything. Yet...
554
00:23:58,668 --> 00:23:59,877
[podcast playing on phone]
555
00:23:59,878 --> 00:24:03,505
Suddenly, we all went from
talking every day to nothing.
556
00:24:03,506 --> 00:24:05,257
Total silence.
557
00:24:05,258 --> 00:24:07,676
And then, your podcast started.
558
00:24:07,677 --> 00:24:09,428
[Mabel] [on podcast]
One thing was for sure.
559
00:24:09,429 --> 00:24:12,097
Someone in the Arconia
was hiding something.
560
00:24:12,098 --> 00:24:14,850
[Oliver] [on podcast] A homicidal freak
who poisoned a perfect,
561
00:24:14,851 --> 00:24:16,352
if gassy, dog.
562
00:24:17,645 --> 00:24:20,189
[Helga]
Everyone was acting so secretive.
563
00:24:20,190 --> 00:24:21,273
Helga!
564
00:24:21,274 --> 00:24:23,025
[Helga]
I listened to the podcast.
565
00:24:23,026 --> 00:24:24,902
All those unexplained things
566
00:24:24,903 --> 00:24:27,279
someone in the building
was doing to scare you.
567
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:31,617
What if it was them trying to
cover up what they had done?
568
00:24:31,618 --> 00:24:33,285
Let's play cards.
569
00:24:33,286 --> 00:24:35,704
[Helga]
And I started to wonder.
570
00:24:35,705 --> 00:24:37,789
[group murmuring]
571
00:24:37,790 --> 00:24:38,957
Please.
572
00:24:38,958 --> 00:24:41,752
[Helga]
Why did the power surge that night?
573
00:24:41,753 --> 00:24:45,798
I couldn't prove they had anything
to do with Dudenoff's disappearance,
574
00:24:47,383 --> 00:24:49,176
but I knew in my bones
575
00:24:49,177 --> 00:24:50,844
I had to move out.
576
00:24:50,845 --> 00:24:52,054
They killed him!
577
00:24:52,055 --> 00:24:53,513
- [Inez gasps]
- We didn't!
578
00:24:53,514 --> 00:24:56,433
- No, no! He went to Portugal.
- Dead men don't send ham!
579
00:24:56,434 --> 00:24:58,435
Then, what's this?
580
00:24:58,436 --> 00:24:59,978
I can't see.
581
00:24:59,979 --> 00:25:01,980
I actually don't know. What is that?
582
00:25:01,981 --> 00:25:04,316
- Dudenoff's prosthetic shoulder.
- [all gasp]
583
00:25:04,317 --> 00:25:07,528
It was in the incinerator.
You killed and burned him that night.
584
00:25:07,529 --> 00:25:09,988
And when Sazz figured it out,
you killed and burned her, too.
585
00:25:09,989 --> 00:25:12,824
And when we tried to look into that,
you tried to kill me!
586
00:25:12,825 --> 00:25:15,744
Yeah, another way to put that
is you actually shot me.
587
00:25:15,745 --> 00:25:18,330
What are we doing? What are we doing?
What are we doing?
588
00:25:18,331 --> 00:25:19,874
These people are murderers!
589
00:25:20,583 --> 00:25:24,336
I'm tired of being the nice guy here
with no temper!
590
00:25:24,337 --> 00:25:26,838
I'm a Canadian man connected
591
00:25:26,839 --> 00:25:29,216
to his rage right now!
592
00:25:29,217 --> 00:25:32,470
And [laughs] God, it feels so good!
593
00:25:33,429 --> 00:25:35,973
Charles, tantrum with me.
594
00:25:35,974 --> 00:25:37,683
No, no, no.
595
00:25:37,684 --> 00:25:40,686
They incinerated your friend, Charles.
596
00:25:40,687 --> 00:25:44,022
- And then plied you with word games...
- No. [laughs] No. No.
597
00:25:44,023 --> 00:25:46,568
...from the New York Times!
598
00:25:49,237 --> 00:25:51,405
[gasping, quiet wheezing]
599
00:25:51,406 --> 00:25:54,116
[♪ curious music playing]
600
00:25:54,117 --> 00:25:55,869
- So far, I'm underwhelmed.
- [coasters clatter]
601
00:25:56,786 --> 00:25:58,495
[gasping breaths]
602
00:25:58,496 --> 00:25:59,955
[Oliver]
Uh-huh...
603
00:25:59,956 --> 00:26:02,332
- [barely audible wheezing]
- Yes. Interesting.
604
00:26:02,333 --> 00:26:04,334
Is this how I find out he's a mime?
605
00:26:04,335 --> 00:26:06,837
No, no, no. We can't hear him,
but I'm so tuned into his character,
606
00:26:06,838 --> 00:26:09,715
I can feel his words. He's saying...
607
00:26:09,716 --> 00:26:12,009
[barely audible wheezing]
608
00:26:12,010 --> 00:26:13,887
..."These people killed Sazz!
609
00:26:14,762 --> 00:26:17,599
"I am steamed... and put out!
610
00:26:18,141 --> 00:26:20,475
- To some degree."
- [Vince] Oh, the hell with this!
611
00:26:20,476 --> 00:26:22,353
- Gimme that! Helga!
- [indistinct yelling]
612
00:26:23,438 --> 00:26:26,648
You're not the only one who got a note
the night that Dudenoff died.
613
00:26:26,649 --> 00:26:27,734
Now, everybody,
614
00:26:28,943 --> 00:26:30,737
come with me!
615
00:26:33,948 --> 00:26:36,951
[♪ mysterious music playing]
616
00:26:41,539 --> 00:26:43,541
We all got notes that night.
617
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,502
Only ours were different.
618
00:26:49,088 --> 00:26:51,965
[Rudy] "You are cordially
invited to my funeral.
619
00:26:51,966 --> 00:26:54,260
Midnight, in the basement.
Don't tell Helga."
620
00:26:55,553 --> 00:26:57,763
- [Alfonso] What the fuck?
- Funeral?
621
00:26:57,764 --> 00:26:59,514
I don't like it.
622
00:26:59,515 --> 00:27:01,683
Come on. Let's go.
623
00:27:01,684 --> 00:27:04,561
- [Ana sighs]
- [Alfonso] Come on, come on.
624
00:27:04,562 --> 00:27:07,649
[♪ music building]
625
00:27:12,153 --> 00:27:13,654
[service elevator rattling]
626
00:27:13,655 --> 00:27:16,240
[overlapping chatter]
627
00:27:16,241 --> 00:27:18,700
Hey! Milton, what's going on?
628
00:27:18,701 --> 00:27:21,954
- Hey-- Okay--
- [overlapping chatter continues]
629
00:27:21,955 --> 00:27:24,414
Hey, can I just talk?! Can I?
630
00:27:24,415 --> 00:27:25,666
- Yeah.
- Of course.
631
00:27:25,667 --> 00:27:27,125
[Dudenoff]
Uh, so,
632
00:27:27,126 --> 00:27:30,588
you know I'm always saying a movie
is only as good as its cast?
633
00:27:32,257 --> 00:27:34,759
Now, I'm just a teacher.
I never got to make...
634
00:27:35,385 --> 00:27:36,636
my own movie.
635
00:27:37,262 --> 00:27:38,762
But I'll tell you this.
636
00:27:38,763 --> 00:27:41,682
If our lives were a movie...
637
00:27:41,683 --> 00:27:43,392
[laughs]
638
00:27:43,393 --> 00:27:45,602
I cast the shit outta this one.
639
00:27:45,603 --> 00:27:47,063
[soft laughter]
640
00:27:48,356 --> 00:27:51,651
Professor, what exactly are we doing here?
641
00:27:52,318 --> 00:27:54,320
Well, uh...
642
00:27:55,488 --> 00:27:57,489
I-I have some medical news.
643
00:27:57,490 --> 00:27:59,576
[weak laugh] Um...
644
00:28:00,702 --> 00:28:02,286
I'm an old guy, so, you know,
645
00:28:02,287 --> 00:28:05,372
it's not like Terms of Endearment sad
or anything,
646
00:28:05,373 --> 00:28:08,166
but, you know, I-- Uh...
647
00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:10,043
they tell me I've, uh,
only got a few months.
648
00:28:10,044 --> 00:28:11,670
- [shocked chatter]
- And so--
649
00:28:11,671 --> 00:28:15,424
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, you know, when I'm gone...
650
00:28:15,425 --> 00:28:17,384
[♪ somber music playing]
651
00:28:17,385 --> 00:28:20,679
...uh, this building,
they're gonna swoop in and,
652
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,391
you know, tear our cast apart. But,
653
00:28:24,392 --> 00:28:26,685
I have a workaround.
654
00:28:26,686 --> 00:28:28,271
And, uh...
655
00:28:30,565 --> 00:28:34,527
and it's that you will all keep me alive.
656
00:28:36,112 --> 00:28:37,863
W-Well, I mean, actually no
657
00:28:37,864 --> 00:28:41,450
'cause I've just taken
a hell of a lot of pills.
658
00:28:41,451 --> 00:28:42,743
[shocked chatter]
659
00:28:42,744 --> 00:28:45,037
I want you, tonight,
660
00:28:45,038 --> 00:28:47,539
to put my body in the incinerator!
661
00:28:47,540 --> 00:28:49,499
- [all yelling]
- [Dudenoff] Yes! Yes!
662
00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:53,212
And then, I want you to cash
my social security checks,
663
00:28:53,213 --> 00:28:56,299
and I want you to tell everybody
I just moved to Portugal.
664
00:28:57,759 --> 00:28:58,760
[sighs]
665
00:28:59,761 --> 00:29:01,178
And you...
666
00:29:01,179 --> 00:29:03,181
you can't tell Helga.
667
00:29:04,015 --> 00:29:07,143
I'm just gonna record a message,
you know, in case, uh,
668
00:29:07,769 --> 00:29:11,063
you know, she finds out,
and then, she won't blame you.
669
00:29:11,064 --> 00:29:12,397
- We can call an ambulance.
- Yeah--
670
00:29:12,398 --> 00:29:14,984
No, come on, let me do this.
Just let-- Just let me do this.
671
00:29:16,736 --> 00:29:19,154
Please. And then, you know, afterwards,
672
00:29:19,155 --> 00:29:21,115
then let's just all hug and shit, okay?
673
00:29:21,699 --> 00:29:23,325
Hey, so, Vince, come on.
674
00:29:23,326 --> 00:29:24,410
[snaps fingers]
675
00:29:24,994 --> 00:29:27,205
Chop, chop. Let's shoot this thing.
676
00:29:28,206 --> 00:29:30,082
Come on. One take.
677
00:29:30,083 --> 00:29:33,585
[♪ somber music continues]
678
00:29:33,586 --> 00:29:35,587
- [clicks knob, film whirs]
- [Alfonso] It's okay.
679
00:29:35,588 --> 00:29:37,005
It's okay. It's okay.
680
00:29:37,006 --> 00:29:38,550
[camera whirring]
681
00:29:42,679 --> 00:29:46,099
♪
682
00:29:46,307 --> 00:29:49,310
[projector whirring]
683
00:29:50,770 --> 00:29:53,565
[Dudenoff] [on film]
Hey, Helga. I know you're angry.
684
00:29:54,649 --> 00:29:57,067
But, you know, you had such a, uh,
685
00:29:57,068 --> 00:30:00,446
hard time bouncing back after your dad
that I-I had this...
686
00:30:01,614 --> 00:30:04,283
stupid thought that maybe I could...
687
00:30:04,284 --> 00:30:06,870
shield you from another death.
688
00:30:07,662 --> 00:30:08,704
But, if you're watching this,
689
00:30:08,705 --> 00:30:11,291
then, you know,
my master plan has gone to hell.
690
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:14,043
And, hopefully, I haven't.
691
00:30:14,711 --> 00:30:17,129
What can a guy do but try, right?
692
00:30:17,130 --> 00:30:19,215
Here's looking at you, kid.
693
00:30:21,092 --> 00:30:22,093
[film crackles]
694
00:30:23,094 --> 00:30:24,095
[projector clicking]
695
00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:28,307
- We're so sorry, baby.
- [Helga sniffling]
696
00:30:28,308 --> 00:30:31,685
Yeah. It's, uh, it's what he wanted,
697
00:30:31,686 --> 00:30:32,896
to keep us all together.
698
00:30:33,771 --> 00:30:35,147
[Vince]
Move on back in with us.
699
00:30:35,148 --> 00:30:37,025
- Please.
- Please.
700
00:30:37,692 --> 00:30:40,485
It is the only place in New York
where I can have a pig.
701
00:30:40,486 --> 00:30:42,487
- [laughter]
- [Mabel] Wait.
702
00:30:42,488 --> 00:30:45,741
Helga's not Rudy's ex-girlfriend?
703
00:30:45,742 --> 00:30:47,034
That was another lie?
704
00:30:47,035 --> 00:30:49,494
Yeah, in addition to
setting a human on fire,
705
00:30:49,495 --> 00:30:51,580
we also lied about me having a girlfriend.
706
00:30:51,581 --> 00:30:53,165
May God have mercy.
707
00:30:53,166 --> 00:30:55,793
- [♪ gentle music playing]
- [Helga sniffles]
708
00:30:56,836 --> 00:30:57,837
[Mabel sighs]
709
00:31:00,632 --> 00:31:01,633
[Eva]
Hmm.
710
00:31:04,385 --> 00:31:06,346
So, these are not murderers.
711
00:31:06,971 --> 00:31:08,181
[Eva]
No, but...
712
00:31:08,932 --> 00:31:10,224
we've got one hell of a podcast.
713
00:31:10,225 --> 00:31:12,851
- [multitool clicks]
- [Alfonso] [auto-tuned] And, yes,
714
00:31:12,852 --> 00:31:16,021
we've been keeping up the ruse
and cashing his checks.
715
00:31:16,022 --> 00:31:17,232
Oh God. We're going to jail.
716
00:31:18,525 --> 00:31:19,816
- Well...
- [clicks button]
717
00:31:19,817 --> 00:31:21,860
No, you're not.
718
00:31:21,861 --> 00:31:26,199
Guys, we used to be three lonely weirdos
living in the Arconia.
719
00:31:27,575 --> 00:31:30,828
The podcast brought us together.
I don't wanna use it to tear them apart.
720
00:31:32,163 --> 00:31:34,165
- [Westies murmuring]
- [quietly] Bless you.
721
00:31:36,584 --> 00:31:39,795
So, humanity's more important
to you than the podcast?
722
00:31:39,796 --> 00:31:41,172
- What a revelation.
- [Eva] Hmm.
723
00:31:43,424 --> 00:31:47,177
Okay, what if it's not three losers,
but, like, a family of losers
724
00:31:47,178 --> 00:31:50,640
who wants to make the world a better place
before two of them die?
725
00:31:51,140 --> 00:31:52,599
That's one way to look at it.
726
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:53,684
Yeah. Well, I have more.
727
00:31:53,685 --> 00:31:55,102
- You wanna hear more?
- [Mabel] No thanks.
728
00:31:55,103 --> 00:31:57,355
Speaking of family, I should tell you
729
00:31:58,273 --> 00:32:00,315
that I had my assistant's assistant
730
00:32:00,316 --> 00:32:02,901
book you a wedding atop...
731
00:32:02,902 --> 00:32:05,904
the Empire State Building,
encircled by a fleet of hot air balloons.
732
00:32:05,905 --> 00:32:07,865
- No, no. I--
- Don't worry. I-'m gonna...
733
00:32:07,866 --> 00:32:09,408
I'll pay for it.
734
00:32:09,409 --> 00:32:12,704
I wish I could tell you this
gives me joy, but it doesn't.
735
00:32:13,705 --> 00:32:15,706
You are not the romantic
I thought you were,
736
00:32:15,707 --> 00:32:18,292
and I don't know how I'm gonna play you
737
00:32:18,293 --> 00:32:20,377
or respect you.
738
00:32:20,378 --> 00:32:23,088
So, [sighs] here we are.
739
00:32:23,089 --> 00:32:25,674
Well, thank you, Zachary, for those...
740
00:32:25,675 --> 00:32:27,801
lovely words. But,
741
00:32:27,802 --> 00:32:31,514
Loretta and I shall marry here,
in the Arconia.
742
00:32:32,015 --> 00:32:33,808
This is where we fell in love,
743
00:32:35,059 --> 00:32:36,727
and I want a marriage
744
00:32:36,728 --> 00:32:39,354
where we fall in love every day
745
00:32:39,355 --> 00:32:42,150
for the rest of our very long lives.
746
00:32:43,484 --> 00:32:44,943
You...
747
00:32:44,944 --> 00:32:47,070
adorable baloney loaf.
748
00:32:47,071 --> 00:32:48,823
- [weak laugh]
- You...
749
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,408
beautiful bitchy...
750
00:32:51,409 --> 00:32:54,036
baloney loaf.
751
00:32:54,037 --> 00:32:55,746
Do you know what a baloney loaf is?
752
00:32:55,747 --> 00:32:56,831
Uh--
753
00:32:58,041 --> 00:33:00,043
[♪ gentle music playing]
754
00:33:00,627 --> 00:33:02,545
You are a romantic.
755
00:33:03,129 --> 00:33:04,297
- [smacks]
- [Oliver snorts]
756
00:33:05,131 --> 00:33:07,634
You got me in touch with my emotions.
Thank you.
757
00:33:08,509 --> 00:33:10,802
Well, it was an honor playing a small part
758
00:33:10,803 --> 00:33:13,263
in bringing out your true self.
759
00:33:13,264 --> 00:33:15,891
And Charles, I won't
alienate your audience
760
00:33:15,892 --> 00:33:18,770
- by putting any of it on film.
- [elevator dings]
761
00:33:23,066 --> 00:33:24,567
- Bye.
- Bye.
762
00:33:25,235 --> 00:33:26,236
Bye.
763
00:33:27,862 --> 00:33:29,863
- [Oliver sighs]
- You good?
764
00:33:29,864 --> 00:33:31,658
[Mabel]
Yeah, I'm good.
765
00:33:35,286 --> 00:33:38,956
[Dudenoff] Whether or not everyone makes
it back to shore in the movie Lifeboat...
766
00:33:38,957 --> 00:33:42,877
♪
767
00:33:45,129 --> 00:33:47,131
...I'll leave for you to discover.
768
00:33:48,633 --> 00:33:52,719
But what the film is really about
is found families,
769
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,305
fighting together for their survival
770
00:33:55,306 --> 00:33:58,725
in waters that can be
really tough to get through
771
00:33:58,726 --> 00:34:00,227
if you're all alone.
772
00:34:00,228 --> 00:34:03,314
[♪ gentle music continues]
773
00:34:11,406 --> 00:34:14,575
[Mabel] In the end, there was
no murder in the West Tower.
774
00:34:14,576 --> 00:34:16,743
Just a guy who moved to Portugal
775
00:34:16,744 --> 00:34:19,413
- and made a family out of strangers.
- [recorder beeps]
776
00:34:19,414 --> 00:34:21,081
Well, found family,
777
00:34:21,082 --> 00:34:25,545
we buried a great podcast story
and are back to square one.
778
00:34:25,962 --> 00:34:26,963
[drops cards]
779
00:34:27,964 --> 00:34:31,925
[sighs] Why can't we ever get a ding-dong
when we run out of leads?
780
00:34:31,926 --> 00:34:33,385
[knocking on door]
781
00:34:33,386 --> 00:34:35,471
Oh! A knock-knock ding-dong!
782
00:34:36,014 --> 00:34:37,056
[Oliver sighs]
783
00:34:39,434 --> 00:34:41,226
- Think he's got any Gut Milk in there?
- [door opens]
784
00:34:41,227 --> 00:34:43,812
I already checked the fridge.
He just has beer.
785
00:34:43,813 --> 00:34:45,940
- [Hammy oinking]
- Look who's here.
786
00:34:46,608 --> 00:34:49,026
Oh, hey, Helga.
I see you got your pig back.
787
00:34:49,027 --> 00:34:52,905
Yes! I'm grateful to the angry man
who reluctantly returned her to me.
788
00:34:52,906 --> 00:34:54,156
I think his name is Howard?
789
00:34:54,157 --> 00:34:55,699
[Hammy grunts]
790
00:34:55,700 --> 00:34:57,701
I didn't want to bring it up
among the reunions,
791
00:34:57,702 --> 00:35:01,331
but I wanted to tell you something
about your friend, Sazz.
792
00:35:02,123 --> 00:35:04,249
Wait. You actually knew her?
793
00:35:04,250 --> 00:35:06,418
Yes. She was on the ham radio,
794
00:35:06,419 --> 00:35:09,379
asking about all these huge plot holes
you had in your podcast.
795
00:35:09,380 --> 00:35:11,340
- Not holes.
- Oh!
796
00:35:11,341 --> 00:35:14,843
You're how Sazz knew about
all the West Tower stuff in her notes.
797
00:35:14,844 --> 00:35:16,595
There was another thing though.
798
00:35:16,596 --> 00:35:20,891
She talked about a stuntman
on a movie called Project Ronkonkoma.
799
00:35:20,892 --> 00:35:23,310
She said he was her protégé,
800
00:35:23,311 --> 00:35:26,480
but that he had messed up pretty badly
and he was harassing her.
801
00:35:26,481 --> 00:35:30,568
She said, "He's dangerous,
and he's gonna be the death of me."
802
00:35:31,736 --> 00:35:34,446
- What's Project Ronkonkoma?
- Check IMDb.
803
00:35:34,447 --> 00:35:36,532
- That's a website.
- I know what IMDb is.
804
00:35:36,533 --> 00:35:38,367
My agent says he's gonna get me on it.
805
00:35:38,368 --> 00:35:40,953
Here we go! Project Ronkonkoma.
806
00:35:40,954 --> 00:35:42,454
Who's the stuntperson?
807
00:35:42,455 --> 00:35:44,665
Is it someone we can talk to?
808
00:35:44,666 --> 00:35:47,460
- Not exactly.
- [Hammy oinks]
809
00:35:47,835 --> 00:35:50,963
[medical devices beeping, hissing]
810
00:35:50,964 --> 00:35:53,299
[♪ music building]
811
00:35:55,593 --> 00:35:58,596
[♪ dramatic music playing]
812
00:36:20,118 --> 00:36:23,580
♪
813
00:36:47,562 --> 00:36:48,645
[♪ music ends]
814
00:36:48,646 --> 00:36:51,649
[♪ fanfare playing]62885
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