All language subtitles for Family Guy S06E11 The Former Life of Brian.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hey, Stewie,
you ready to go home?

About an hour ago.
This party sucks.

What happened to your face?

I'm a kitty cat.

Stupid face-painters
apparently never heard
of Darth Maul.

This party's worse
than a Mexican funeral.

Rian.

That birthday party
Spider-Man
is eyeing me.

Don't let me catch you,

'cause I'll just wrap you up
and eat you later.

Hang on a second.
Who's that?

That's Jared's mom.
Her husband died in Iraq.

Really?

No, wait. He was either
wounded or killed.
I don't remember.

Well, which is it, Stewie,
wounded or killed?

I can work with either.
No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Just like the Pink Panther.

Well, it seems his lungs
are completely filled

with Owens Corning
fiberglass insulation.

What? Will he be okay?

No, he won't be okay.

One-third of his body
weight is Owens Corning
fiberglass insulation.

Well, that's it.

But, don't worry,
he won't burn in hell,

thanks to all that
Owens Corning fiberglass
insulation.

How about that magician, huh?

Yeah, he's great.
I love magicians.

I don't know why,
but I've always found
magic very sexy.

I'm a magician.
You are?

How long have you
been doing magic?

A long time.

I used to work
with Doug Henning.

Wow.

Yeah. Want to see
my Doug Henning?

Welcome to the wonderful
world of magic.
Hope I don't get AIDS.

Oh, God, that is so my humor.

You know,
my son's birthday party
is next weekend.

Any chance I can
hire you to do your act?

Absolutely!

I think the magic's
starting to happen already.

Brian, this is painful.

It's like listening to those
two foreign guys down
at the coffee shop

who've been living
in the US almost long
enough to sound American.

Oh, man, what a good bunch of
partying at that discotheque.

They played one of
my audience requests.

Way awesome.

I myself drank, like,
5 liters of beer.

Any more and I would have
ended up in hospital, man.

You said it, friend.

But I wanted to stay,
'cause I almost had sex
on this girl.

Oh, yeah! But it was
so expensive. Each drink
was, like, six dollars forty.

And if I've done
this right, then
this is your card, Stewie.

Really, Brian?
Card tricks?

That's what's gonna
close the deal
with this woman?

Well, yeah. Why not?

You need more than that.
You need an act.

Listen, I'll be your
assistant, and we'll put on
a whole big show.

Really?
Yeah, we'll do
all the great tricks.

You can even split me in half.

What?
Saw me in half.

Well, I am still
a little shaky on
some of this stuff.

I guess I could use the help.

Great. And we'll get you
a wand, a top hat and a cape.

In fact, you can use
Peter's cape from last
year's Halloween costume.

Hi, Brian.
I'm Count Crotchula,
the bulging vampire.

I'll bite your neck,
but also look how big
I am down there.

That costume
doesn't make any sense.

Don't stifle my creativity!

See that bulge down there,
Brian? What is that?
What is it?

Can't be my pointy teeth,
'cause those are
all the way up here.

I'll let you in
on a little secret.

Happy Halloween.

Okay, kids, it's time
for the magic show.

How about a big round
of applause for
The Amazing Brian?

I can't believe I agreed
to four costume changes.

Who am I kidding?
I insisted on it.

Brian, thanks so much for
doing this. Paul and I are
so excited to see your act.

Oh, thank...
Wait. What?

Paul, my boyfriend.

Paul, this is Brian.

Boyfriend? Oh, come on!

I paid $800
for all this crap!
You have a boyfriend?

Ed,

but that makes her
feel useful in the
relationship.

I'm gonna fix him.

Our relationship will
do fine on that basis.

If he had his shit together,
I wouldn't be into it.

Of this crap!

Is this the show?

You know what?
The hell with both of you!
I'm out of here!

Are we doing this
thing or what?
Brian? Brian?

Well, this was a lot of
effort for nothing.

Like trying to tell
Matthew McConaughey
how much he sucks.

You know, Matthew,
I may not ever get
another chance to say this,

so I just want to
get this off my chest.

You are just awful.

You're one of
the worst actors
in the history of film,

and I think that
you need to go away.

Oh, thanks, man.

The truth is I spend
at least 90% of
my year going away,

exploring exotic places,
having sex with
my beautiful girlfriend,

just doing sit-ups. I mean,
I really... And then
counting money.

Money that I made off the
terrible films that I put out
into the American populace,

because they just
love to see me doing
what it is that I do.

Yes, but you're not hearing me.

Dazed and Confused was
the one thing that was
passable. After that...

Thanks, man.
That actually launched
my career.

After that,
everything else was awful.

Contact, they didn't
even need you
in that movie.

They could have done
the whole movie without you.

I know. I said the same thing,
but they were just, like,

"Oh, we need a good-looking
guy with a great ass
and some tight abs

"to just provide some
down-home enthusiasm
in this picture.

"Something to
counterbalance
Jodie Foster."

They took her to be
slightly cold, unapproachable,
do you know?

So they put me in there.
I said it didn't
make any sense.

Said the same thing
about that Bill Murray
elephant movie,

but they were just, like,
"Oh, the audiences need you."

You make me physically
sick to my stomach,

and I wish
that you would
get a heart attack.

I totally feel you, man.

Truth of the matter is,
I don't like my movies either,

but, man, they just
keep offering me money,

and I do it,
and then I get to
go around the world.

I mean, did you see Sahara?

I tell you
what the movie gave me
was an opportunity

to take an Airstream all
across the country

and sell that picture
one person at a time.

You suck donkey ass.

Now you can't prove that.

That was so humiliating!

I mean, look at
all the stuff I put myself
through just to get laid.

Don't worry, my friend.
One day you'll find
your soul mate.

The sad thing is,
I already did, years ago.

Tracy Flannigan.

She was the greatest girl
I ever met, and I blew it.

You should look her up.

Am I boring you?

No, it's just... Long day.

I suppose I could look her up.
I just wonder if she'd
even want to see me.

I wasn't exactly
the nicest guy in the world.

And then, in high school,
I was violated sexually
by my father.

It happened on numerous
occasions, and I was
too afraid to tell anyone

because I felt like
somehow it was my fault.

So, you do go all the way.

Well, here goes.

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan?

Oh, my God,
Brian Griffin,
is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

And all he wants
is to kiss you
just one more time.

Wow, you sure look...

Different than the
last time I saw you.

Yeah, haircut.

So to get out of here,
I just make a left out
of the driveway

and drive as fast as I can?

Wait. Brian,
I'm actually glad
you found me.

There's someone
I've wanted you to
meet for a long time.

From the look of those
toenails, I bet it's that
little Lamisil monster.

Brian, this is Dylan. He's

your son.

Oh, no way!
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Gosh, this is
a lovely home, Tracy.

That's so weird.
It smells like there's a cat,
but I bet there's no cat.

I've wanted you to meet Dylan
for a long time, Brian.

Well, Brian, a son.
How about that?

My God, this is more
uncomfortable than the
goodbye in The Wizard of Oz.

Goodbye, Tin Man.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Goodbye, Lion.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

I think I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.

Oh, okay.
That's kind of
an odd thing to say.

Yeah, sort of a weird comment
right in front of all of us.

Kind of thought
this was a team effort.
Yeah, yeah.

Really, really glad
I risked my life
and everything.

Yeah, you're, like,
five minutes from gone
and you leave with that?

Yeah.
You know,
it's like cutting a huge fart

and then walking
out of the room.

And that's how
we'll remember you,
as a big fart.

Goodbye, big fart.

So, Dylan, shouldn't
you be in school?

I don't know.

It's Wednesday.
Up yours!

Nice kid. Say, Brian,
now that I think about it,

how can you possibly
have a 13-year-old son

when you yourself
are only seven?

Well, those are dog years.

That doesn't make any sense.

You know what, Stewie?
If you don't like it,

go on the Internet and complain.

It was awful.
That kid was
a complete thug.

I'm telling you,
I couldn't get out
of there fast enough.

Boy, Brian, you dodged
a bullet not having
to raise that kid.

Your life would have
been more miserable

than a lonely
old widow living in
a downstairs apartment.

Quiet! Keep it
down up there!

What did I just say?
I'm calling the police!

I don't know, Brian.

Don't you think
you have a responsibility
to your son?

I... Lois,
I didn't even know
I had a son until today.

And, besides, it's not like
Tracy ever asked for my help.

Yeah, it seemed like
they're all set without you.

She's done a fine job
creating a child-friendly
environment...

Great parenting.

I don't know, Brian.
Raising a child is a very
rewarding experience.

You know what else
is rewarding, Lois?
Shutting your vag.

What?
What?

Dylan! What are
you doing here?

My mom wanted me
to give you this.

"To Brian, from Tracy.
He's your problem now.

"PS. Will you write me
a letter of recommendation

"for the University
of Phoenix?"

No. No, I'm not gonna put
myself on the line like that.

But, Dylan, my God!

Everybody, this handsome,
muscular boy is
Brian's son, Dylan.

Dylan is gonna be
staying with us
for a while.

Dylan, it's so nice to meet you.

Shut up, bitch!

Oh! He got you, Lois.

No, no, no! Tracy can't
do this. She can't
just leave him here.

Well, we can't just
turn him away, Brian.
After all, he is family.

I don't know.
Where's he gonna sleep?

He could sleep
in Stewie's room.
Would you like that, sweetie?

No, my pants just got shorter
'cause I hated the idea.

And this is Chris.
Chris, this is my son, Dylan.

Hi, Dylan.

All this stuff
in here is mine now.

Oh. Well, okay,
but be careful
opening the closet,

'cause that's where
the evil monkey lives.

Yay! I haven't been
in my closet for years!

Boy, there is
a lot of feces in here.

Something on your mind, son?

Shut up, dude.
You're just a fat
old bastard.

Well, not to get
technical, sir, but
you are the bastard.

I hate you all! I didn't ask
to be born. If I had a gun,
I would kill you all!

Did you hear that, Lois?

Now we know
what to get him
for Christmas.

I love the holidays.

Brian, you have got
to get Dylan under control.

He's terrorizing
the whole family.

Yeah, you wouldn't believe
what he did to Meg yesterday.

He made her watch
the other 178 hours
of Monty Python stuff

that isn't funny or memorable.

I have a pet
hedgehog named Zippy,
and I shall walk her to town,

and each time my foot hits
the ground, I shall say,
"Boing, boing, boing."

I'm a girl! I don't
even like the good
Monty Python sketches.

Don't worry, I got it
under control, Lois.

I'm monitoring Dylan from here
on Stewie's baby monitor.

Sec.

Stewie, why are you nude?

Oh, just a little
something I do once
a week around here

called a naked tea party.

Got my teacup here.
Now all I need is a tea bag.

That's something
that interests you,
my friend?

You're weird.
Yeah, and you're attractive.

Now take your fucking pants off!

I'm out of here.

Did you see that, Rupert?

How to Lose a Guy in
10 Seconds, starring
Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Hey, Lois, is the
air conditioning on?

I just woke up from
a nap and I feel drafty.

Peter, we don't
have air conditioning.

Well, that's awful peculiar.

Oh, my God.
Peter, look.

Oh, damn it, Dylan.
What the hell? Well, thank
God I'm full of Play-Doh.

There we are.

That's it. I'm telling
Brian he has to rein
Dylan in once and for all.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway?

Oh, thanks, Lois.

Dylan put this
paper bag on my head

and I could not,
for the life of me,
figure out how to get it off.

That kid's a sociopath.

Well, it's time you
laid down the law with him.

I couldn't agree more.

I am gonna kick him
out of this house

faster than NASA kicked out
the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Okay, your physical exam
was within range.

You aced the flight simulator.

I guess all that's left is
the psychological screening.

Okay.
How do you feel about this?

Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs.
No, that's not me anymore.

I'm just here to fly, sir.

All right, Dylan.
You know what?
This isn't working out.

All right? I don't care
that I'm your father and you
don't care that you're my son.

We don't have
anything in common.

I think it's best
if you just get
out of this house.

Fine. I hate it here anyhow.
Get out of my way.

My pot!
My pot!

Your pot?
Your pot?

And then in Chapter 28
of my novel,

the other pilots
finally trust the
Japanese pilot

and let him...
Let him into their group.

Dude, that is an amazing story.

Hey, what if there
were Korean pilots?

Yeah. I'm not really
looking for notes,

but you know, Dylan,
I gotta tell you something.

I'm sorry I wasn't around
when you were growing up.

Don't. Just don't.

If I had known
having a son
could be like this...

How dare you?
I didn't know!

You have no right, man.
No right.

It wasn't my fault.
You weren't
there for me.

Damn it, don't you
think I wanted to be?

It's okay.
It's okay.

Look, I know I wasn't
there for you, man,
for all those years,

but that's gonna change.

It's gonna be
different from now on.

And I'm gonna make you
into a better person,

starting first thing tomorrow.

Just passing through.
See anything you
like, speak up.

Hey, there, everybody.

Was somebody looking
for a son with a bright
new path to adulthood

and his very, very proud dad?

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.
Aren't you handsome?

From now on,
I plan on being
a real father to Dylan,

and together,
we are gonna turn
his life around.

Right, champ?
You said it, Dad.

All right!
You ready for school?
Yeah.

Hey, can I drive today?

This kid! He's only 13.

I know. I was just kidding.

We got a young Adam Sandler
here, I think. Right?

Right?
Yes.

Bye, Mom.
Bye!

All right, kids.
Have a good
day at school.

Day at school.

Thanks, Dad.
Hey. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You're there.

I'll always be there, Dylan.

Hey. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Danny Zuko.

Come on!
The audition's not
till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

You know, Brian,

Dylan could have just
carpooled with me
and the kids.

Oh, Lois, Dylan is
very special to me and...

Well, didn't you just
get a ticket for
running a red light?

Yeah, like, six years ago.

And I got that ticket
because I got distracted

'cause you were leaning
out the window,
barking at a cow.

So you admit you
ran the red light?

Fuck you.

Whoa! Not the kind of language
I want Dylan exposed to.

Have fun with your dead kids,
reckless driver.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.

Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art.

Hi! I'm Al Harrington

of Al Harrington's
Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.

As an unwanted result
of a recent lawsuit,

I am now in possession
of hundreds of pallets

of crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood,
cutout folk art,

and it's just waiting to
transform your uncut,
trash-strewn lawn

into a living canvas
that tells passersby,

"Hey, everyone,
a real funny bugger
lives here."

Your neighbors will chuckle
warmly, and motorists
will slow down and applaud

when they cast their eyes
on such favorites as

Sort-of Ben and
Jerry's-Looking Cow,

Black Silhouetted Cowboy
Leaning on Barn,

and everybody's favorite,

Fat Woman Bending Over
Tending to Her Garden

in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.

Most of this stuff
is priced to move,
and until it does,

it's an enormous fire hazard,

so please come see me,
on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Look for the
Sort-of Ben and
Jerry's Cow out front!

We interrupt this program
to bring you grim news

out of LaGuardia Airport,

where a 767 has been forced
to make a crash landing.

Oh, man, I tell you,
now that I'm a parent, I can't
even watch stories like that.

,

"Oh, my God,
what if Dylan were
on that plane?"

Oh, my God,
I just don't know
what I would do.

I don't know what I would do.

Yeah, yeah, I understand.
That'd be tough.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
No, no. No, no, no.
Quagmire, no.

You do not understand.
Until you have a child...

Until you have a child,
you do not understand.

Okay?
Jesus.

It's been like
this all week.
Watch this.

Hey, Brian, what would you do
if Dylan fell out a window?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
I don't even want to
think about that.

I don't even want to
think about that. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Brian, what would you do
if Dylan was in a fire?

Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.
Knock on wood, knock
on wood, knock on wood.

Now, look, Brian,
there's a difference

between being concerned
and being overprotective.

Now that's a dad talking.
That is a dad talking,
Quagmire.

You're right.
You can't hold
your kids back.

It's like I say, you have to
give your kids both
roots and wings.

Brian, I wanna punch you
in the dick right now.

♪ And the cat's in the cradle
and the silver spoon... ♪

Oh, that's Dylan's ring.
Hey, bud, everything
all right?

Really? Well,
how many library
assistants did they pick?

One of four.

Well, you know what?
Extra, extra,
read all about it.

Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

Peter, your dog is
giving me diabetes.

I'm telling you, Joe,
he's as annoying as
mosquitoes in the summertime.

Can I come in there with you?
There's light in there.

No. Go away.

Can I please come in?

You have juice,
and I want to sit in it.

Shoo! Get lost.

Hi, Dad.
Chris, close the door,
there's a...

Oh, it's much nicer in here.

I'm gonna float
around for a while,

then stick my needle
in your shoulder fat
while you sleep.

I tell you, I wish that
old hag of Brian's had never
even told him he had a kid.

You just got to
get his mother
to take him back.

How the hell am I
supposed to do that?

She's an idiot redneck, Peter.

Tricking her should be
easier than escaping
from Canadian Alcatraz.

Can I go out through here?

Just be back by bedtime.
Okay.

Lunch is ready, everyone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Lois, Lois. This is...

This is white bread.
Yeah. So?

Well, don't we have
any of that whole-grain stuff?

No. This was cheaper.

I just... I just...
I don't want Dylan
eating white bread.

Brian, there's nothing wrong
with it. Our kids eat...

Lois, Lois,
I do not want Dylan
eating white bread.

Brian, I promise you, it's fine.

Lois. Lois, Lois.

I will decide what is best
for my child, all right?

Look, will you take it easy?

And, and, I do not want to
have this conversation
in front of my son.

Okay, you know what?
That's it, Brian. Feed him
whatever you want.

Tell you what.
Go up to my jewelry box,

take my gold jewelry,
melt it down, make it into
bread and feed him that.

That good enough?
Gold bread good enough
for your Dylan?

Hey, everybody!
Look who's back
to pick up her son.

This isn't The Price Is Right.

You said we were going
to The Price Is Right.

Peter, what the hell is this?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Tracy wants Dylan back.
Don't you want
Dylan back, Tracy?

What a joyous family reunion.
Isn't this great, Brian?

Now Dylan can go
back with his mom,

and you can stop acting
like such a jackass.

So that's what this
is all about, huh?

I must say, you have
been a little insufferable
lately, Brian.

We just want the
old you back, that's all.

Look. All right. Okay,
maybe I have been acting
different lately, all right?

But that's only because
I've truly connected

with the one bit of flesh
and blood that I have
on this earth.

And I have no intention
of giving that up.

Who wants a half and half?

I'll throw my hat
into that ring.

Wait a minute, Dad.
I think maybe I
should go with her.

What? Dylan, why?

Look at her.
She needs me,
a lot more than you do.

But we were just starting
to make a real connection.

Listen, I'll always be
grateful to you for
turning my life around,

but now, thanks to you,

I finally have a chance
to transform my mom's life

in the same way
you transformed mine.

Wow. You know, I guess
a dad couldn't ask
for more than that.

I'm proud of you, Dylan.

My life will never be
the same for knowing you.

Goodbye and good luck.

Goodbye, Dad.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

I'm gonna miss that boy.

You know, I just finally
figured it out. She looks
like a really hot Tim Russert.

Right? Right?
Yes.