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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,803
And now backto G.I. Jose.
11
00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:41,339
Hey, guys, let's go swim
in the old quarry.
12
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,441
Yeah!
Wait a minute, kids.
13
00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,478
Don't go swimming
in that quarry.
It's dangerous!
14
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,914
Wow! Thanks,
G.I. Jose.
15
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:53,552
Hey, you guys wanna buy
some gum, or cotton candy,
or a stuffed animal?
16
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,588
How about an inflatable
mallet, huh? This is fun.
17
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,535
You can hit your friend
on the head with it.
18
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,859
But don't hit him
on the head with it.
19
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,906
Yeah, thanks.
I don't really need
any of that stuff.
20
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:06,397
You got any dents
you need hammered out?
21
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:10,269
G.I. Jose!
22
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:13,872
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
23
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,952
Coming up, importanttraffic news thatcan't help you
24
00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:17,910
because you'resomeplace wherea TV is.
25
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,656
But first, get ready, Quahog,
26
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,225
because Barry Manilow will
be performing this weekend
27
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,483
at the Quahog
Performing Arts Center.
28
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,018
Barry Manilow.
29
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,797
What a joke.
So stupid.
30
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:28,821
And boring as hell.
31
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:29,955
Yeah, no kidding.
32
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:31,902
You couldn't pay me
to go to that thing.
33
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:34,560
Hey, you know what
we should do? We should
go just as a goof.
34
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:35,705
That'd be hilarious.
35
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,507
Yeah, just look
at all the idiots.
36
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,531
All the dumb ass Manilow fans.
37
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,332
Yeah.
38
00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:43,246
I mean, he's got, like,
one good song.
39
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,990
Yeah, I mean,
Mandy is not terrible.
40
00:01:45,039 --> 00:01:47,439
Yeah, the opening's okay.
41
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,808
And I guess you
can't hate Copacabana.
42
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:52,310
Yeah, if you're
in the right mood.
43
00:01:52,379 --> 00:01:53,619
Daybreak is a good song.
44
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,447
Oh, yeah.
That's a good song.
45
00:01:55,515 --> 00:01:57,093
And I like
Weekend in New England.
46
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,261
Yeah, that's a good one.
47
00:01:58,285 --> 00:01:59,930
Looks Like We Made It.
Yeah, it's not bad.
48
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:01,119
Right?
49
00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:03,455
I love Barry Manilow.
50
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,734
Oh, my God, he's the best!
51
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,235
I have everything
he's ever recorded!
52
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,859
Me, too! In my car!
53
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,271
We have to go to that concert.
54
00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:11,040
We are going to that concert.
55
00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,798
♪ And I'm...
56
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:19,137
♪ Ready to take
a chance again
57
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:24,008
♪ Ready to put
my love on the line
58
00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,511
♪ With you
59
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:31,349
♪ Been living with
nothing to show for it
60
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:36,054
♪ You get what you get
when you go for it
61
00:02:36,122 --> 00:02:40,592
♪ And I'm ready
to take a chance again
62
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:45,430
♪ With you ♪
63
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,670
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
64
00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:54,139
You're welcome.
65
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:55,885
For this next song,
I'm gonna need some help
66
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:59,711
from a member of the audience.So, let's see.What's your name?
67
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:00,979
Claire.
68
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,581
No, I don't like that.
69
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:04,761
What's yours?
Harriet.
70
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,163
No, it's gotta be two syllables.
71
00:03:06,187 --> 00:03:07,267
Peter!
Cleveland!
72
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,165
Joseph! Joseph!
Quagmire!
73
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,689
Wow, that's exotic.
74
00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:12,969
All right, why don't youcome up and join meon the stage?
75
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,971
Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, my God!
76
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:17,995
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I hate you so much right now!
77
00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:21,532
♪ The night goes into morning
78
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:24,069
♪ Just another day
79
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:29,741
♪ Happy people pass my way
80
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:34,145
♪ Looking in their eyes,
I see a memory
81
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:38,750
♪ I never realized
how happy you made me
82
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:40,218
♪ Oh, Quagmire
83
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:41,753
Oh!
84
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:44,523
♪ Well, you came
And you gave without taking
85
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:45,969
I would never
take from you, Barry.
86
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,692
♪ But I sent you away
87
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:50,395
♪ Oh, Quagmire
88
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:55,100
♪ You kissed me
And stopped me from shaking
89
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:57,069
♪ And I need you today
90
00:03:57,137 --> 00:04:00,071
♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪
91
00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:01,840
God, he's so talented.
92
00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,220
You know, he wrote
all those Kentucky
Fried Chicken jingles.
93
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,510
I don't care for them.
94
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:08,813
Not after what happened
to Foghorn Leghorn.
95
00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,782
I say, I say, son,
what do we got
brewing in here?
96
00:04:11,851 --> 00:04:13,951
I was walking by
when I picked up the smell
97
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,061
of 11 herbs and spices...
98
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,490
Look at that boy,
99
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,626
running all around like
a chicken with its head cut...
Wait a minute.
100
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,744
This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
101
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,837
One day only.Lasik Eye Centerswill heal your eyes.
102
00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,083
How much would you pay
for laser eye surgery?
103
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:38,810
$500, $700, $10,000?
104
00:04:38,878 --> 00:04:40,912
How about $12?
105
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:46,184
Dr. Lee Feldstein.Fully licensed,fully trained, fully Jewish!
106
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,919
Jewish!
107
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,766
So come on downto the Hydrox Arenathis Sunday, Sunday!
108
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:54,092
Get your eyesight fixed.Unless you don'thave the balls.
109
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,761
Jewish!
110
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,898
Hey, I could use
some Jew eye surgery.
111
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:02,267
What the hell?
Where's my wallet?
112
00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:05,103
Crap, I must've dropped it
at the Barry Manilow concert.
113
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:08,539
Dropped it at the what?
And where was I?
114
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:11,176
Peter, you and your excuses
for losing your wallet.
115
00:05:11,245 --> 00:05:13,745
"I dropped it at the concert."
"The hooker took it."
116
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:14,973
"It's with my other family."
117
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,381
That one was true.
118
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:19,417
And let me tell you
something, they appreciate
me for who I am.
119
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:22,420
All right, Peter,
have a good business trip.
120
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,027
Taxi!
121
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,468
- Who's hungry?
- Yeah! Mommy's home!
122
00:05:36,537 --> 00:05:39,381
Hello, dear.
I'm so glad
you're home.
123
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:42,206
While you were away,
I tried to do the laundry.
124
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:43,708
Your favorite shirt.
125
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,977
Adam Kenneth Handleman,
when will you learn?
126
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,352
So, Peter, any luck
finding your wallet?
127
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,331
No, and it's getting to be
a pain in the ass.
128
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:59,590
I got no money.
I couldn't even afford
to get my hair cut yesterday.
129
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:02,628
That'll be $5.
130
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:03,895
Sorry, lost my wallet.
131
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:05,441
But I already cut your hair!
132
00:06:05,465 --> 00:06:08,199
Well, I guess there's
nothing you can
do about it now.
133
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:10,568
That son of a bitch.
134
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,037
And then I got pulled
over for speeding.
135
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,418
License and
registration, please.
136
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:20,078
Oh, I lost my wallet,
so I kind of don't
have my license.
137
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:23,648
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
you know what that means.
138
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:26,684
I don't understand
why I gotta do dishes
at your house just 'cause I...
139
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:28,385
Keep washing.
140
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:29,998
Seems like more of
a restaurant thing...
141
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:31,856
Keep washing.
142
00:06:31,924 --> 00:06:34,091
And I can't rent movies anymore.
143
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,572
Yes, I'd like to
rent this copy
of Garden State.
144
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:38,329
Okay, I'll just
need a picture ID.
145
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,897
Oh, I don't have one.
146
00:06:39,966 --> 00:06:41,166
I'll rent it then.
147
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,977
It could have been me.
148
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:01,352
Oh, my God, Peter,
your Visa bill is $16,000!
149
00:07:01,420 --> 00:07:03,555
Somebody's been
using your credit card.
150
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:05,734
Didn't you cancel it
when you lost your wallet?
151
00:07:05,758 --> 00:07:07,425
I hear what you're saying, Lois,
152
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:11,029
but unlike my credit card,
I'm carrying a very low
rate of interest.
153
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:13,865
Peter, this is serious.
154
00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,110
Let me see that.
155
00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:16,534
A big screen TV,
156
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:19,248
a massage chair
from Sharper Image,
plane tickets...
157
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,172
Peter, someone has obviously
stolen your credit card.
158
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:23,674
Well, here's
the good news, Brian.
159
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:26,277
Whoever the thief is,
he's spending less
than my wife.
160
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,693
Wait, look at this.
He eats at House
of Chung every day.
161
00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:32,116
House of Chung, eh?
162
00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:34,652
Come on, let's go, Brian.
I'm gonna get revenge.
163
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,481
Just like I did against
that pigeon that
crapped on my car.
164
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,326
Oh!
165
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:46,664
That's right.
Get it nice and clean.
166
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,937
The place is packed.
167
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,784
How are we gonna figure out
who has your credit card?
168
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,441
I got it, Brian.
Smell my ass.
169
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:59,055
What?
Smell my ass.
It's where I keep my wallet.
170
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,157
Get the scent
and then find the guy
that smells like me.
171
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:02,224
Peter, that's ridiculous.
172
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,326
Come on, boy, get the scent.
173
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,660
Cut it out!
Get a good sniff.
174
00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,896
That's disgusting.
You're an idiot,
you know that?
175
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,419
Wait a minute.
176
00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,577
Your wallet's over there.
177
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,595
Oh, my God, it's you!
178
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,097
James Woods.
179
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:24,069
Hello, Peter.
I've been expecting you.
180
00:08:24,138 --> 00:08:26,438
You stole my credit card,
you son of a bitch.
181
00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,666
What did I ever do to you?
182
00:08:27,707 --> 00:08:29,385
That's a good question, Peter.
183
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:33,578
What did you ever do to me?
What did you ever
do to James Woods?
184
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:36,593
Well, I locked you in
a wooden crate and forgot
to put an air hole in it.
185
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,794
Forgot to put an air hole in it.
186
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:39,384
Well, you kind of had it coming.
187
00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,520
Look, Mr. Woods,
just give Peter
back his wallet.
188
00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:43,622
Oh, no, Brian.
I'm just getting started.
189
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:47,325
Peter, you humiliated me.
You put me through hell.
190
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:49,675
And now you're gonna pay for it.
191
00:08:50,797 --> 00:08:53,365
So get ready, fuckers.
192
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,248
Oh! That kung pao
chicken smells good.
You smell that, Brian?
193
00:08:58,272 --> 00:08:59,432
All I can smell is your ass.
194
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,155
Lois, we found the guy
who stole my wallet.
195
00:09:06,179 --> 00:09:07,422
You'll never guess who it was.
196
00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:08,813
James Woods?
197
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,082
Hello, stranger.
198
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,685
I don't recall
inviting you into my home.
199
00:09:13,753 --> 00:09:16,153
Peter, he's been
here for four hours.
200
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,901
I told him to leave,
but he keeps saying
he lives here.
201
00:09:18,925 --> 00:09:20,469
I say, this is
more uncomfortable
202
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:23,127
than having James Brady
at a cocktail party.
203
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:24,829
All right, so I got my handgun
204
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:29,266
and I'm just randomly
firing it into a crowd
of people, and then...
205
00:09:29,335 --> 00:09:30,601
And then what?
206
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,437
And... Nothing. Nothing.
207
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:35,205
No, no, I'm anxious to hear
the conclusion of your story.
208
00:09:35,274 --> 00:09:39,310
It's stupid.
Stupid story.
209
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:40,422
I'm calling the police.
210
00:09:40,446 --> 00:09:41,513
That won't be necessary.
211
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:42,680
I already did.
212
00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:49,386
Hello, Officer. Would you be
kind enough to remove this
trespasser from my home?
213
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,167
What are you talking about?
This is my house.
214
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:54,458
No, this house
belongs to Peter Griffin.
And that's me.
215
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,227
Hmm.
216
00:09:56,296 --> 00:10:01,031
Driver's license,
Social Security card,
passport, title to the house.
217
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,944
This puts me in a tough spot.
218
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:06,770
Joe, you can't possibly
believe this.
You know who Peter is.
219
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:09,574
I know, Lois,
but this man has
all the paperwork.
220
00:10:09,643 --> 00:10:11,408
Oh, come on,
this is identity theft.
221
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:14,812
I hate to have to do this,
but I'm afraid legally
I have no choice.
222
00:10:14,881 --> 00:10:16,792
I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave, sir.
223
00:10:16,816 --> 00:10:19,695
Thanks, Joe.
Clam later?
We'll hoist a few?
224
00:10:19,719 --> 00:10:21,479
Sure, Peter.
Joe!
225
00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:25,122
Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.
226
00:10:25,191 --> 00:10:28,125
Oh, come on.
You heard him, fella.
Take 'em off.
227
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,794
Right down to the poop sack.
228
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,698
What? You don't
all wear a poop sack?
229
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:38,101
Damn it, Bonnie!
You lied to me
about the poop sack!
230
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:46,877
Hello, family.
Hello, honey.
231
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:51,127
Stop calling me that.
I don't care what
the law says,
232
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,051
you're not Peter Griffin,
you're James Woods.
233
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,855
I should've warned you,
she can be a real bitch
in the morning.
234
00:10:57,924 --> 00:11:00,491
Mom, this is really weird.
I want Dad back.
235
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:03,795
I don't.
Having a celebrity
dad is a real thrill.
236
00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:07,832
Not like the fake thrill
of running into your
ex-girlfriend on the street.
237
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,368
Rob? Hey!
Hey! How are you?
238
00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:11,935
God, it's good to see you.
239
00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:13,137
Good to see you, too.
240
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,939
How's my dog?
I'm... I'm sorry, your dog?
241
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:17,941
Oh, I had to give him away.
242
00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:19,210
Gave him away!
243
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,279
Well, Dave's allergic.
Dave!
244
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,782
All right, so there's a Dave.
That's great. God,
Dave sounds great.
245
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:28,486
Yeah, he is.
And his parents
are so sweet.
246
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:31,467
Met his parents
and they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh?
247
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,370
What a family.
God, it's good
to see you.
248
00:11:35,394 --> 00:11:36,872
You won't get
away with this, Woods.
249
00:11:36,896 --> 00:11:39,764
You know, you're not supposed
to be in the house, Brian.
250
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,312
You're more of an outdoor dog.
251
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,911
What the hell does that mean?
252
00:11:42,935 --> 00:11:44,435
This is so humiliating.
253
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,014
For God's sake, I went to Brown
254
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,238
and he's got me out here
tied to a post like
some kind...
255
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,877
What the hell?
256
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,724
This rope was a lot longer,
and now it's somehow
gotten shorter.
257
00:11:55,748 --> 00:11:57,392
What sort of black
magic is this?
258
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:59,183
Brian, guess what?
259
00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:02,487
I gave James Woods your
novel to read, and you're
not gonna believe this.
260
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:03,632
Really? Did he like it?
261
00:12:03,656 --> 00:12:05,423
He wants to option
it and make a movie!
262
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:07,403
Really?
No, he didn't really
respond to it.
263
00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:11,129
Oh. Listen, I need your help.
Run inside and get me
a pair of scissors.
264
00:12:11,197 --> 00:12:12,630
No.
Why not?
265
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,458
Because you made me
watch "2 Girls, 1 Cup."
266
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:17,935
Just watch.
267
00:12:18,004 --> 00:12:19,964
Why are we taping my reaction?
Just... Just watch.
268
00:12:20,873 --> 00:12:23,207
Okay. They're
lesbians, clearly.
269
00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,410
I don't know...
270
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:31,615
I don't know what else...
Wait. Wait.
271
00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:37,755
Wait... What? What? No!
272
00:12:39,258 --> 00:12:40,290
No!
273
00:12:45,297 --> 00:12:47,898
What is wrong with you?
Oh, my God!
274
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:56,974
Oh, I'm never gonna be able
to eat ice cream...
Oh, my God! Oh!
275
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,145
Oh, my God!
276
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:10,788
Oh, that is disgusting!
Oh, my God!
277
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:15,526
Oh, can you imagine
if two dudes did that? Oh,
my God, that'd be even worse!
278
00:13:15,594 --> 00:13:18,495
I mean, like, would that...
Would that even exist?
279
00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:21,299
I mean, like,
where would you
even find that?
280
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,967
Let's type it in and
see what comes up.
281
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:28,751
Brian, what are you doing
tied to Meg's pole?
282
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,342
James Woods did it.
Hey, where'd you
get the clothes?
283
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,990
I always keep
a spare at Quagmire's.
I got to tell you, though,
284
00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:36,714
there was some weird stuff
going on over there today.
285
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,594
Hey, Quagmire. Can I...
Hang on a sec.
286
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:42,186
And that's why I contend
that when Frost speaks
of birch trees,
287
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:44,366
he may very well be
talking about himself.
288
00:13:44,390 --> 00:13:45,434
No, Glenn, that's not...
289
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,536
Gloria, please.
290
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:47,970
You wanna hear
my interpretation,
291
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,739
or are you simply gonna
tell me that I'm wrong?
292
00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:50,923
I'm simply pointing out...
293
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,775
Yes, we know.
You're very well-read.
294
00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:54,510
But this is poetry
we're talking about,
295
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:58,102
and I think when
it comes to poetry,
you can't be wrong.
296
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,883
What, Peter?
Nothing, nothing.
Sorry to interrupt.
297
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:03,841
The cedars represent society.
Sorry to interrupt.
298
00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:05,188
Listen, you got
to get out of here.
299
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,411
If James Woods sees you,
he's gonna call the cops.
300
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,761
I miss my family, Brian,
and I gotta see them.
301
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:14,018
A trespasser on my property.
302
00:14:14,087 --> 00:14:16,167
That's the worst thing
that's happened to me since...
303
00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:17,633
You wouldn't!
304
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,257
It's up to you, Peter.
305
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:22,527
Either you leave now,
or I set up one of your
random flashbacks.
306
00:14:22,596 --> 00:14:23,939
All right, all right,
all right. Okay.
307
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:24,974
Peter, what do you care...
308
00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:27,531
No, no, Brian, he's serious.
309
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,216
I'll come back for you, Lois.
310
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,120
And I'll set up
all the flashbacks,
just like I used to.
311
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:38,587
Like the time
I swallowed that midget,
312
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,357
who played Mini-Me,
just so I could
make you laugh.
313
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:42,625
You ready for dinner, Peter?
314
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:43,881
Oh, yeah.
315
00:14:43,949 --> 00:14:48,419
In fact, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
316
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:53,691
I said, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
317
00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,627
Come on, say the line.
318
00:14:56,696 --> 00:14:58,529
Oh, oh, there he is.
319
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:02,200
You know what,
he slipped into my colon.
Yeah, damn it, he's smothered.
320
00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:04,435
But let me just
ask you this, Lois,
321
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:07,538
if my stomach had said,
"Hell, yeah, I'm hungry!
322
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,039
"How about some pork chops?"
323
00:15:09,108 --> 00:15:10,519
Would you have
thought that was funny?
324
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:12,910
Not really.
325
00:15:12,978 --> 00:15:15,179
Well, then,
this has been
an absolute misfire.
326
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,484
Oh, this is just awful.
327
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:24,889
James Woods is destroying
this family, and all just
to get back at Peter.
328
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:27,892
I know, he's doing all
the stuff Dad usually does.
329
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,395
Right now he's
upstairs talking to Meg.
330
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:33,797
Now, Meg, you want to be thin
like all the Hollywood
starlets, right?
331
00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:35,399
Yeah, but I love to eat.
332
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,969
Well, I've got a way
that you can eat all you want
333
00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:40,137
and look like
a Hollywood starlet.
334
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:43,841
Meg, let me introduce
you to Mr. Pukey.
335
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,109
Hiya, Meg.
336
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,677
Hi.
337
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:49,981
Gosh, Mr. Pukey,
you sure are good
at making fat women hot.
338
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,682
Wow, thanks.
339
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:53,951
You think you could help out
my friend Meg here?
340
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:57,221
Yeah, I think I could
give her a hand.
341
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,632
Now close your eyes, Meg,
and let Mr. Pukey
help you out.
342
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,769
Whoa!
343
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:14,806
When did Reese
Witherspoon get here?
344
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,466
Mr. Woods, how do
I get a girl to like me?
345
00:16:22,616 --> 00:16:26,050
D.
346
00:16:26,118 --> 00:16:31,022
Okay, Dad. How do
I get a girl to like me?
347
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:33,658
Well, there's a number
of ways, Chris.
348
00:16:33,727 --> 00:16:37,995
For example,
Heather Graham and I
had a mutual friend,
349
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:40,998
and he threw a punch social
one day and we both
happened to be there.
350
00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:44,702
Next thing you know,
we're both in the back
room, slam-bang.
351
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,238
She didn't even
make me use a rubber.
I went bareback, babe.
352
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:49,619
Wow, she sounds
like a class act.
353
00:16:49,643 --> 00:16:51,576
Oh, not at all,
Chris. No, not at all.
354
00:16:51,645 --> 00:16:53,723
Thanks, Dad, I feel better.
355
00:16:57,917 --> 00:17:00,051
♪ Off I go on my merry way
356
00:17:00,119 --> 00:17:01,879
♪ Life is great and I'm happy
with my dad ♪
357
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,026
What am I gonna do, Brian?
358
00:17:08,094 --> 00:17:10,729
James Woods has taken my life
and my family.
359
00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:13,876
I know, Peter, but identity
theft is one of the
hardest things to fight.
360
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,134
How you gonna handle it?
I don't know, Brian.
361
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:21,605
All I know is, I sure do
miss Lois. I gotta find
a way to see her.
362
00:17:21,675 --> 00:17:24,642
And I think I just got an idea.
363
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,551
A much better idea
than when I did
magic for the blind.
364
00:17:29,148 --> 00:17:30,415
Is this your card?
365
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:31,949
I don't know.
366
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,250
Was it a red card?
367
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,019
I don't know what red is.
368
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:37,889
Ta-da.
369
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,405
You know what's amazing, Lois?
370
00:17:43,429 --> 00:17:47,032
A week from tomorrow,
it'll be 20 years
we've been married.
371
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,400
I married Peter Griffin,
you lunatic!
372
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:52,336
Hello. I was there, see?
373
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,808
Wow, same old pussy.
374
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:01,879
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I brought a friend
home for dinner.
375
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:05,168
Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.
376
00:18:08,622 --> 00:18:10,155
Hi, Scooter.
Hey, everybody.
377
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:13,591
Sure is swell of you
to have me over.
What's for eats, Mrs. G?
378
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:17,128
Meatloaf, Pete...
I mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.
379
00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:19,564
Leaping lizards,
meatloaf is my favorite.
380
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,473
Scooter, how come
we've never met you before?
381
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,034
Shut up, Meg.
382
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,137
You know, Scooter,
we don't allow hats
at the dinner table.
383
00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:28,283
Oh, my bad, Mr. G.
Dad, no!
384
00:18:28,307 --> 00:18:30,174
Aha! I should have known!
385
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:33,377
Get out of my house right now,
son of a bitch!
386
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:57,535
Well, that's it, Brian.
I guess he's won.
387
00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,603
I guess he's Peter Griffin now.
388
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,039
Wait a minute, Peter.
389
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:04,975
If he's Peter Griffin,
then that means you
can be James Woods.
390
00:19:05,045 --> 00:19:07,045
That's a great idea, Brian.
391
00:19:07,113 --> 00:19:09,914
If I was a famous movie star,
I wouldn't even
want my family.
392
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:13,184
No, no, Peter,
I'm saying you can do
to him what he did to you.
393
00:19:13,252 --> 00:19:14,363
You can ruin him.
394
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:17,488
I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.
395
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:22,160
From this day forth,
I am James Woods.
396
00:19:22,228 --> 00:19:25,230
And I'll stick to that story,
even if nobody believes it.
397
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,533
I'll tell you
what nobody
believes in, ghosts.
398
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:30,768
♪ Where did Robinson Crusoe go
399
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,971
♪ With Friday on
Saturday night ♪
400
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,740
Damn. Play me off, Johnny.
401
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,080
You're probably wondering
why he's in hell.
402
00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,748
Johnny liked little boys.
403
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,189
The question is, Brian,
404
00:19:51,257 --> 00:19:53,357
how am I gonna make people
think I'm James Woods?
405
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:56,794
The same way he did, Peter.
Identity theft works
both ways.
406
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:59,664
The first thing we're gonna do
is get you a perfect fake ID.
407
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,477
I know a guy who does good work.
408
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,747
You took a big risk coming
here, man. James Woods
could be back any minute.
409
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,051
I know. How fast
can you do it?
410
00:20:06,106 --> 00:20:08,387
As fast as Spider-Man
when he gets laid.
411
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,775
, God, I'm so sorry.
412
00:20:10,844 --> 00:20:13,544
That's never happened
to me before. It's just...
413
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:15,913
You're so attractive
and it's been a while.
414
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,615
I'm gonna go.
415
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,017
You know, some people say
that's good for your hair.
416
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,286
Yeah, thanks.
417
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,602
Welcome back to the program,
ladies and gentlemen.
418
00:20:27,626 --> 00:20:31,461
Please welcome our next guest,
Mr. James Woods. Oh, James.
419
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:35,610
Wait a minute,
you're not James Woods.
420
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,167
Oh, I believe I am.
421
00:20:37,235 --> 00:20:40,537
Driver's license,
Social Security card,
American Express.
422
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:41,971
What the hell is he doing?
423
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,252
Wow, I guess you
are James Woods.
424
00:20:44,276 --> 00:20:47,436
So, now, let me understand
this, what are you here
to promote, James?
425
00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:51,448
Well, Dave, I have
a hilarious new movie
coming out on HBO next month.
426
00:20:51,517 --> 00:20:52,816
It's all about 9/11.
427
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:56,020
The movie's called
September 11, 2000-Fun.
428
00:20:57,322 --> 00:21:00,357
No! No, no, no, no!
429
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:03,504
James, that sounds
unbelievably offensive
to Americans.
430
00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:05,629
Well, you haven't heard
what the movie is about.
431
00:21:05,697 --> 00:21:09,833
I play a window washer
who has just finished
washing the last window
432
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,167
of the World Trade Center.
433
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:13,303
And then I turn around
to get off the scaffold,
434
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:16,106
and what do you think
I see coming? A plane.
435
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,408
And I go, "Come on!"
436
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:20,644
You know, it's real,
real old-style comedy.
437
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:23,480
You know, it's like
two pies in the face,
438
00:21:23,549 --> 00:21:25,248
and one in a field
in Pennsylvania.
439
00:21:25,317 --> 00:21:27,229
James, I don't want to hear
any more about this.
440
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,973
And the voice of
the plane is David Spade.
441
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:33,056
Spade!
442
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:36,104
That dwarf!
That skinny
chicken shit!
443
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,106
Okay, I think we've
heard enough of this.
444
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,609
Now let's go to
Michael Richards
for his apology
445
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:43,166
regarding the incident
at the Laugh Factory.
446
00:21:43,235 --> 00:21:45,903
Michael, why don't you explain
exactly what happened
447
00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,050
for the folks who don't know?
448
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:53,043
I... I lost my
temper onstage.
449
00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:57,347
I... I got heckled,
and went into a rage
450
00:21:57,416 --> 00:22:03,553
and said somevery nasty thingsto some Afro-Americans.
451
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:07,705
Stop laughing.
It's not funny.
452
00:22:10,196 --> 00:22:12,296
Well, Brian,
it's been a productive week.
453
00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:17,267
I think I've successfully
destroyed James Woods'
reputation. Here it is.
454
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,737
Well, our top storycontinues to be thefall of actor James Woods,
455
00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:23,647
who almost overnight hasgone from America'smost beloved celebrity
456
00:22:23,710 --> 00:22:25,150
to America's most hated pariah.
457
00:22:28,247 --> 00:22:30,447
You're in a lot of trouble,
Griffin, you motherfucker!
458
00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:35,186
Oh, no, sir.
You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.
459
00:22:35,255 --> 00:22:39,590
You ruined my reputation.
And now you are
gonna pay for it.
460
00:22:39,658 --> 00:22:41,625
We're gonna settle
this like men.
461
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:44,828
All right, we'll settle it
like men. But not here.
462
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:46,897
Meet me out in the alley
in 20 minutes.
463
00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:49,466
I'll be there.
You be there, too,
you little faggot.
464
00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:56,607
All right, Peter, I'm here.
Where are you?
465
00:22:56,675 --> 00:23:01,911
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
466
00:23:01,980 --> 00:23:06,517
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
467
00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:10,387
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
Ooh! A piece of candy.
468
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,404
Okay, Brian,
next time let's remember
this right away,
469
00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:17,668
because he's done this twice.
470
00:23:20,666 --> 00:23:24,400
Oh, Peter, we're so glad
to have you back.
I missed you.
471
00:23:24,470 --> 00:23:26,002
I missed you, too, Lois.
472
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,804
So, what happened
to James Woods?
473
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:30,374
Oh, he's being
examined by top men.
474
00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:31,443
Who?
475
00:23:31,510 --> 00:23:33,610
Top men.
37660
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