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1
00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:05,838
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,554
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,223
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:31,129
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,771 --> 00:00:37,803
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
11
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:39,315
And I'm Diane Simmons,
reporting live
12
00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:42,118
from the 35th annual
Quahog Veteran's
Day celebration.
13
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:46,211
Yes, it was 35 years ago
today that James Veteran
stood up to City Hall
14
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,847
and said,
"I demand a parade
in my name."
15
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,785
And after a heated bidding
war with Edward Memorial
and Reginald Aprilfools,
16
00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:53,853
he got his wish.
17
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,699
And here comes the parade!
18
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:59,243
First up, a float
from the Veterans
of Future Wars.
19
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:06,064
And here comes
whackadoo film director,
Oliver Stone.
20
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,733
Oliver's here promoting
his new movie,
21
00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:11,036
Born on the Fourth of July 2:
Born on the Fifth of July,
22
00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:15,073
which he promises
will be even July-ier
than the original.
23
00:01:15,142 --> 00:01:17,876
A dangerously insane
human being.
24
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:21,112
And here comes
the next float, honoring
uninjured veterans.
25
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,359
Yeah!
We rock!
26
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:25,543
Our wives stayed with us.
27
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:28,331
Think fast!
We did!
28
00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:33,592
Mom, how come
when we see these guys
on the street corner
29
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:35,227
you tell me not to
stare at them,
30
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:36,896
and today that's all
we're doing?
31
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:40,132
Because, Chris,
as Americans, we owe
our lives to these veterans.
32
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,834
Hey, look, Lois,
"The John McCain
Experience."
33
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:50,676
I wanna be President!
34
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:57,049
Brian, I can't see.
I'm gonna try
and get a little closer.
35
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,583
Um...
36
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,085
You shouldn't be...
37
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,252
Um...
38
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,454
You need to...
39
00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:04,656
Um...
40
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:05,725
Uh...
41
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,660
Hold on.
42
00:02:08,729 --> 00:02:10,128
Um...
43
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:11,296
Hello?
44
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,564
Yeah, I'm telling him.
45
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,670
What is that?
46
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:25,544
♪ And I'm proud to bean Americanwhere at least I know I'm free
47
00:02:25,613 --> 00:02:31,750
♪ And I won't forgetthe men who diedwho gave that right to me
48
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:39,224
♪ And I'll gladly stand upnext to youand defend her still today
49
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:44,329
♪ 'Cause there ain't no doubt
I love this land
50
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:50,769
♪ God bless the USA ♪
51
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:53,471
Oh, my God!
That was beautiful!
52
00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:55,673
I am proud to be an American,
53
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:59,311
and I am going
to love my country
like never before.
54
00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:01,739
Anybody wanna see
my Purple Heart?
55
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:08,820
We now return to
Superman 5: The Broken Condom.
56
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,023
Hey, Lois, ready
to go to dinner?
57
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:15,212
Yeah, sure.
Just let me grab
my purse.
58
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:22,900
Okay, ready.
59
00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:26,871
Ooh! On second thought,
I got something I gotta do
back on Krypton.
60
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,384
I thought Krypton was destroyed.
61
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:31,209
I think we should
see other people.
62
00:03:31,278 --> 00:03:33,438
Good morning,
my American family.
63
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,313
Peter, where did
you get that suit?
64
00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:38,783
My God, you look like
the Statue of Liberty's pimp.
65
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,019
This is how
a patriot dresses, Lois.
66
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:44,033
Boy, I never knew
it would feel this good
to love my country.
67
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,525
It's like loving God
or a step-parent.
68
00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:49,505
You never really
feel them love you back,
but that's okay
69
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:52,408
because they got
other stuff going on,
and you understand.
70
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:55,144
Peter, you do realize
there's a difference
between loving America
71
00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:57,248
and being swept up
in post-9/11 paranoia.
72
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,250
Are you suggesting
that 9/11
didn't change everything?
73
00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:02,641
What? No, I was just...
74
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:06,544
Because 9/11
changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.
75
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:09,881
Peter, you didn't even know
what 9/11 was until 2004.
76
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,184
That's not true, Brian.
I remember 9/11.
77
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,956
Must have been
a woman pilot, huh?
78
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,971
Peter, what the hell
are you doing?
79
00:04:22,995 --> 00:04:26,097
Lois, I am doing my duty
as a patriotic American.
80
00:04:26,165 --> 00:04:28,366
I'm sacrificing a goat
to Toby Keith.
81
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:32,204
Peter, Toby Keith
doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.
82
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,339
Hey, listen,
don't tell me
what Toby Keith wants.
83
00:04:34,407 --> 00:04:35,687
I think I'm perfectly capable...
84
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,128
You're all doing
such a great job,
85
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:47,997
I wanted to play
you a song I wrote
86
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,121
about what America means to me.
87
00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:54,091
♪ When you say USA
88
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,861
♪ I just say hooray
89
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,230
♪ And if you're not from here
90
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:03,034
♪ God's gonna hunt you down
and give you AIDS
91
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:04,135
♪ USA! ♪
92
00:05:12,011 --> 00:05:15,011
Wow, Peter,
you're really becoming
quite the patriot.
93
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:18,717
. I just had
my penis tattooed to look
like the space shuttle
94
00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,826
and my balls tattooed
to look
like launch exhaust.
95
00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,189
At bastard!
That was my idea!
96
00:05:24,258 --> 00:05:26,435
He stole it!I was gonna do thatto my penis!
97
00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:28,338
Oh, well, maybe
I can do something else.
98
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,862
Like, like,
like the Space Needle.
99
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:34,366
Or a banana. Or a Sharpie.
100
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:37,247
I'm boring myself.Guess I'll listento some music.
101
00:05:37,271 --> 00:05:39,370
♪ 'Cause I love a rainy night
102
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,940
♪ Yeah, I love a rainy night ♪
103
00:05:56,789 --> 00:05:58,490
Man, that really makes me mad.
104
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,459
Illegal immigrants
coming into this country,
105
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,028
taking all the good jobs
away from Americans.
106
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:06,864
Well, I am gonna make sure
people like that stay out
of Quahog from now on.
107
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:11,336
We are gonna patrol
the borders and keep this town
as clean as a Jewish porno.
108
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,438
I own four apartment buildings.
109
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:14,806
Mmm...
110
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,607
I have central air.
111
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,043
Oh!
112
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,912
And a well-funded 401k.
113
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:22,113
Ah!
114
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:26,484
We are gonna have sex
at some point!
115
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,054
All right, guys,
it's gonna be a long night
of border patrol,
116
00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:31,623
so I brought along
Michael McDonald
to help us out.
117
00:06:31,691 --> 00:06:33,103
How's he gonna help us?
118
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,560
He's gonna do
back-up vocals
for everything we say.
119
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,207
How's he gonna know
what we're saying?
120
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:38,775
♪ How's he gonna know
what we're saying? ♪
121
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:39,976
Is he gonna do it for all of us?
122
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,732
♪ Is he gonna do it
for all of us? ♪
123
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:43,479
Yeah, I hired him for the night.
124
00:06:43,503 --> 00:06:45,815
It costs, like, $2.50
an hour, so don't skimp
on the conversation.
125
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,574
♪ ...so don't skimp
on the conversation ♪
126
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:51,042
That sounds nice.
127
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:57,460
Peter, why did
you have my
acupuncturist arrested?
128
00:06:57,484 --> 00:06:58,924
Because he was
an illegal immigrant
129
00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:00,718
and a threat
to our national security.
130
00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:03,155
He was an 85-year-old
Korean Buddhist.
131
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,590
Or was he
a supreme leader
of Al Qaeda?
132
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,959
I guess we'll find out
if he ever gets a trial.
133
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,061
Peter, America was founded
by immigrants.
134
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,809
Everyone here
is the descendant
of an immigrant.
135
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,510
They're a vital part
of our society.
136
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:17,903
They are part of
the Rebel Alliance and
a traitor. Take him away.
137
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,717
Peter, have you seen
Stewie's
Speedy Gonzales video?
138
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,218
He won't go to sleep without it.
139
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,708
I threw it away.
140
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,178
What? What the hell, man?
I don't throw away
your stuff!
141
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,446
And where's my goat?
142
00:07:28,515 --> 00:07:30,326
Peter, why would you do that?
143
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,216
Because Speedy Gonzales
is an immigrant
144
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,185
and a bad influence
on our children.
145
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,655
So, I created
his American equivalent,
Rapid Dave.
146
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:40,759
I got you now, mouse.
147
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,661
Yeah?
Well, up your ass, cat.
148
00:07:42,729 --> 00:07:45,597
Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!
149
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,980
Hey, Fuad,
can I buy you
a cup of coffee?
150
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:54,906
Yes!
Is funny
because is free!
151
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,374
Anyone can have!
152
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:57,487
That's right.
153
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,077
That's the joke.
154
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,512
Oh, yes.
155
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:04,149
Why, you son of a bitch.
156
00:08:05,018 --> 00:08:06,395
Angela, I have a complaint.
157
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,485
What is it, Griffin?
158
00:08:07,553 --> 00:08:09,473
I think Fuad
is an illegal immigrant,
159
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:13,758
and I cannot stand by
while he steals wages and
opportunities from citizens.
160
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,704
I mean, this is
an American company.
161
00:08:15,728 --> 00:08:19,463
You don't see Nike or
Microsoft or General Motors
or Ford or Boeing
162
00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:22,800
or Coca-Cola or
Kellogg's profiting
from non-American labor.
163
00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:26,671
Is funny because they all do!
164
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:31,153
You have a point, Griffin.
Maybe we should
run a company-wide check
165
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,511
to make sure all our personnel
are legal citizens.
166
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:34,846
Now you're talking, Angela.
167
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:36,292
This country needs
more immigrants
168
00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,117
like my cousin Peter the Pig
needs a new house.
169
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,032
I wouldn't do that,
if I were you.
170
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:45,457
What?
I said, I wouldn't do that.
171
00:08:47,461 --> 00:08:48,660
I said knock it off!
172
00:08:48,728 --> 00:08:49,805
Why?
173
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:51,396
Because I just made
stool in there,
174
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,965
and if you blow it down,
the whole woods
is gonna stink.
175
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,768
Do you understand?
Do you
understand me, sir?
176
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,317
Peter, what brings you here?
177
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:02,373
Hi, Mom.
178
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:04,108
Hey, there's
a new policy at work
179
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,211
where everyone
has to prove
they're an American,
180
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,046
and I need my birth certificate.
181
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:12,017
Oh, dear.
Peter, sit down.
182
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,052
I don't know
how to tell you this,
183
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:17,221
but you weren't born in America.
184
00:09:17,291 --> 00:09:18,990
You were born in Mexico.
185
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,625
What?
186
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:23,627
When I found out
that your real father
was a drunken Irishman,
187
00:09:23,696 --> 00:09:27,498
I went to Mexico
to terminate my pregnancy.
188
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:31,335
But God had other plans,
and you were born right there.
189
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:39,176
You were so beautiful,
and I loved you,
190
00:09:39,245 --> 00:09:43,981
but when I got back home,
I was so afraid of being
judged by the community
191
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,984
that I never filled out
the paperwork
to make you a citizen.
192
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:49,587
Mom, what are you saying?
193
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:53,024
Peter, as far as
the US government
is concerned,
194
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,794
you're an illegal
Mexican immigrant.
195
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,295
Holy crap!
196
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,476
Looks like I've got
myself in a bind!
197
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:01,944
How will I get out of this one?
198
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:03,534
Stick around...
199
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,270
♪ 'Cause we've got Cleveland
and Quagmire,
and Joe and Mort
200
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:09,407
♪ And all your cartoon pals ♪
201
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,048
Peter, how come
you're not at work?
202
00:10:17,116 --> 00:10:19,516
I got fired for being
an illegal immigrant.
203
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:23,388
Oh, dear. You know, Peter,
you can always
take a citizenship test.
204
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,358
I mean,
if Wilmer Valderrama passed,
it can't be that difficult.
205
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,927
Well, by that logic, Lois,
it can't be that difficult
to nail Lindsay Lohan.
206
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,229
I don't think it is.
207
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:33,409
Oh! Well,
good news there.
208
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,793
All right, you wanna
head down to the INS?
209
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,138
So, give me
the good news.
Did I pass?
210
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:43,508
I'm afraid
it doesn't look good
for you, Senor Griffin.
211
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:45,221
So far, you've
failed everything,
212
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:48,646
including the
"Behaving Like an American
at the Airport" test.
213
00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:52,550
No, it wasn't bad.
Yeah, I'm on the way
to the next plane now.
214
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,264
Yeah, I got a middle seat,
so I'm gonna see
if I can switch.
215
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,554
Oh, a Sbarro!
216
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,434
I'm gonna get
a big, fat piece of pizza
217
00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,102
so I got something
to stuff in my face
218
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:02,071
while I'm reading USA Today.
219
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:05,697
The only thing remaining
is the oral test,
which I will administer here.
220
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,933
Now, question number one.
Who discovered America?
221
00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:11,180
Dick York?
No.
222
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,837
Dick Sargent.
It was Dick Sargent.
223
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,118
Question number two.
Complete this sentence.
224
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:19,844
"The land of the free
and the home of the blank."
225
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:21,957
Home of the Whopper?
You've got to be kidding me.
226
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:23,626
Mr. Griffin, if you were
truly an American,
227
00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,260
you would know
our national anthem.
228
00:11:25,284 --> 00:11:27,619
Now, wait a minute!
He is too an American.
229
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,965
We've been married
for almost 20 years!
230
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:32,257
Well, we hear that one
a lot around here.
231
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,904
Course there's
a very easy way
of detecting fraud.
232
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,261
Mr. Griffin, what is
your wife's birthday?
233
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:39,397
Uh...
234
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:41,210
Give me another one.
Give me another one.
235
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,233
Where is your wife's hometown?
236
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,436
One more, one more.
237
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:47,917
What is your wife's
favorite
outdoor activity?
238
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:48,941
Uh...
239
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,208
Things an overcoat would say.
240
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,743
I'm covered with water.
241
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,445
Things an umbrella would say.
242
00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,912
You wear me.
243
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:57,215
Things a festive
bow tie would say.
244
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:58,828
You wear me to keep you dry.
245
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,552
Things Speed Stick would say.
246
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:01,731
I keep your head dry.
247
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,132
I said umbrella.
It's not umbrella.
248
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:08,693
Peter, what if I said,
"I keep your head dry,
you wear me in the bathroom"?
249
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,569
Shower cap.
There you go.
250
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:13,498
Oh, man.
Did you have fun?
251
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,726
I had fun. Yeah.
252
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,534
All right,
we'll be back
after this.
253
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,450
Peter, what are you
gonna do about a job?
254
00:12:32,518 --> 00:12:34,719
We can't just keep
eating into our savings.
255
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:37,566
I'll just have to
find a job for
an illegal immigrant.
256
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,902
I can't believe
this is happening
to our family.
257
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,926
It's taken us all
by surprise, Meg.
258
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:45,141
Like that realistic
original ending
to Dirty Dancing.
259
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,898
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
260
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:51,702
I do, because
I'm her father, and she's 16.
What are you, like 38?
261
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,404
Forty-one.
262
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,150
"Hotel maid wanted."
263
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,751
Sweet. I could do that.
264
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:13,624
Housekeeping.
265
00:13:14,827 --> 00:13:15,893
Housekeeping.
266
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,306
Come back later, please.
267
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,430
- Housekeeping?
- Not now!
268
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,798
Housekeeping.
269
00:13:20,866 --> 00:13:22,400
Go away.
270
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,534
I come in anyway?
271
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,935
No! Go away!
272
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:26,804
I come in anyway.
273
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:28,717
Oh, my God!
I said no!
274
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:29,808
Okay, I clean?
275
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:31,076
No! Get out of here!
276
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:32,521
I clean now?
No!
277
00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,290
I stay and watch?
No!
278
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,825
I get involved?
What?
279
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:38,449
I get involved with lady?
280
00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:41,085
What do you think?
Turn around.
281
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,464
I don't think so.
Okay.
282
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,066
You lend me money?
No.
283
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:46,035
You drive my grandmother
to doctor's appointment?
284
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,979
No! No,
I'm not doing that.
285
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:49,627
I stick finger in your mouth?
286
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,396
Housekeeping?
287
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:54,025
Okay.
Okay.
288
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,235
"Nanny wanted."
289
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,649
Well, that sounds
like a good job
for an immigrant.
290
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,640
Michael, did you hear
the good news?
We're getting a new nanny.
291
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,776
Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited.
292
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,977
Do you suppose
she'll be everything
we've dreamed?
293
00:14:07,046 --> 00:14:11,416
Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined
the most beautiful...
294
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,055
Damn it!
295
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,784
Oh, Peter, you look exhausted!
296
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:50,287
I am, Lois.
Life as a Mexican
immigrant is brutal.
297
00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:54,425
Even after seven jobs
and joining Menudo,
I only made 25 bucks.
298
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:57,461
Now, look, don't get upset,
but I've been
so worried about you
299
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:58,975
that I asked someone for help.
300
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,030
Who?
301
00:15:00,099 --> 00:15:01,332
Hello, fat ass.
302
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,801
Lois, immigrants
don't take handouts.
303
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,604
They just take one DVD
a month from the house
they're cleaning
304
00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:08,350
until they have
a respectable collection.
305
00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:10,641
It's not a handout, it's a job.
306
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,354
Daddy employs
lots of immigrants,
307
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:14,190
and he said
you could work
at the mansion.
308
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,580
Really?
Well, thanks a lot,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
309
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:18,282
I promise I won't let you down.
310
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:21,296
Well, they all
do eventually.
Except for Noriega.
311
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,889
God bless him
and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.
312
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:26,390
Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt!
313
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,470
Oh, look who it is!
Come here so
I can give you a hug!
314
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:29,814
Come here so
I can give you a hug!
315
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,415
There they are.
Hi, Mom.
316
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,239
Hi, Grandma!
Grandma!
317
00:15:42,307 --> 00:15:43,774
I missed you.
318
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,075
So has the morgue.
319
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,679
The morgue, Paul,
'cause she's old!
320
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:53,484
That's right, yeah, the morgue!
321
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:55,297
Peter, I'm using you
as a house immigrant,
322
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,299
so take
my family's luggage
to their rooms,
323
00:15:57,323 --> 00:15:59,635
and then go
get settled down
at the servants' quarters.
324
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,926
Right away,
Mr. Pewterschmidt, sir.
325
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,161
Daddy, we don't want
any special treatment.
326
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:07,098
We're here as a family,
and we're going to
live as a family.
327
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,465
Are you serious?
328
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:11,046
We come to a mansion,
and you want to
live with the help?
329
00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:14,110
That's like going
to a strip club
on a Tuesday afternoon.
330
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:20,277
Is there anyone here
who hasn't
had a c-section?
331
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:34,503
Oh, no.
That boy's ball
fell out of the cup.
332
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:35,959
Oh, but it's okay,
333
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:38,995
because the ball
is on a string
and attached to the cup.
334
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,344
You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo,
the head groundskeeper.
335
00:16:43,368 --> 00:16:44,679
You must be exhausted.
336
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,903
Come, come.
Let's get you
to your new home.
337
00:16:49,541 --> 00:16:51,041
Hey, Senorita!
338
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,721
You got nice bread dough legs!
339
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,985
I got a blank prescription pad!
340
00:16:57,950 --> 00:16:59,516
See, this isn't so bad.
341
00:16:59,585 --> 00:17:03,220
Not so bad?
We're sharing a tool shed
with seven other families.
342
00:17:09,395 --> 00:17:10,994
They're making the best of it.
343
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,111
Good morning,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
344
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:17,846
It's 8:00,
and I'm ready for work.
345
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,236
Good. Have a seat.
346
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:20,783
Drink that.
What is it?
347
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,507
My blood.
I'm a diabetic,
and I need you to test it.
348
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:25,688
Isn't that dangerous?
I don't know. Probably.
349
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,789
I don't wanna.
350
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,057
You work for me.
Now, drink it.
351
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,347
No!
Drink my
diabetic blood, Peter,
352
00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:31,749
or you're fired.
353
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:38,956
I can't believe
you really did that.
That's nasty. You're nasty.
354
00:17:41,427 --> 00:17:44,573
My VCR's still broken.
Did you remember
to watch Survivor?
355
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,329
Yes, sir.
All right, I wanna see it.
356
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:49,800
Previously on Survivor,
Grace won immunity
after lying to Kyle
357
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,869
about a stomach virus.
358
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:52,313
I've seen this.
Fast forward.
359
00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:54,504
Credits, commercials,
Ford, Subway, Doritos,
360
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,373
Pirates of the Caribbean 4,
Orbit gum.
361
00:17:56,441 --> 00:17:58,786
Hang on, go back.
I want to see
that Pirates trailer.
362
00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:02,512
In a world
where pirates are gay
but Orlando Bloom isn't,
363
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,102
comes Pirates ofthe Caribbean 4.
364
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,690
Peter, how was your first day?
365
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:15,426
Horrible! I never worked
so hard in my life.
366
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,561
How the hell do you guys
do this every day?
367
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,929
Immigrant life sucks.
368
00:18:18,999 --> 00:18:22,044
But, Peter,
life in America
is wonderful.
369
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:24,280
That is why
we risk everything
to come here.
370
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:27,572
I don't know, Cheech.
It seems like a lot of
work for no respect.
371
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:32,210
Peter, America is
the land of opportunity.
There are tall buildings,
372
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:35,613
cheeseburgers
and Fox's many
hit comedy series,
373
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:38,716
including That '70s Show, and...
374
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,529
But let me ask you something.
Don't you miss your home?
375
00:18:45,592 --> 00:18:49,460
Of course. We come to America
for financial
opportunities, Peter,
376
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:52,229
but, someday,
we will return to Mexico
377
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,999
because our heritage
is rich and glorious.
378
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:56,333
Wait, wait, hang on a second.
379
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,180
Are you saying
there's more
to being Mexican
380
00:18:58,204 --> 00:19:00,604
than working hard
and lusting after big asses?
381
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:04,642
There is, Peter.
In fact, we are preparing
our Cinco de Mayo celebration.
382
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:07,779
As a Mexican,
you must
experience it with us.
383
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:18,822
Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo
is as Mexican as it gets.
384
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,625
Wow, this is awesome!
385
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:24,195
And later, I'm gonna go
lift free weights
in a parking lot!
386
00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:28,065
Oh, Peter, I'm so proud
that you've embraced
these people as your own.
387
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:30,467
You've come a long way
from hating foreigners.
388
00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:33,649
Well, Lois, life can
surprise you if you
open your mind a little.
389
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,584
For example,
I used to hate
the Japanese,
390
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:38,053
but then I saw
Lou Diamond Phillips
in Young Guns,
391
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,621
and now I don't
hate them anymore.
392
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:42,479
Peter, I don't think
that Lou Diamond Phillips
is Japanese.
393
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,994
Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees,
look at these.
394
00:19:45,018 --> 00:19:47,919
Hey, what do you say
we get some
of them burritos?
395
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:52,690
Oh, munequita,
I would love to feel your
mustache on my mustache.
396
00:19:52,758 --> 00:19:55,492
Really? Well,
there's a lot more body hair
where that came from.
397
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,761
Oh, well, then no thank you.
398
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,009
Wow, these DVD's are
only 99 cents apiece.
399
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:04,702
Hey, look at some of
these Spanish translations
of the movie titles.
400
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,837
Here's The 40-Year-old Virgin,
401
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:11,074
and in Spanish, it's called
The No-Sex Man Comes to Town.
402
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:16,380
And here's Airplane!
and in Spanish, it's called
Incredible Flying Joke Bus.
403
00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:20,784
Here's Cheaper by the Dozen,
and in Spanish,
it's called Small Family.
404
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,788
What the hell is going on here?
405
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:26,190
Why aren't you people working?
406
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:28,370
It's Cinco de Mayo,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
407
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:31,606
Would you like to watch
My Friend Who SticksHis Penis in a Pie?
408
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:36,000
Look, I don't care what day
it is in Mexico, in America
we work on weekdays.
409
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:40,104
Now, do your jobs
or I'll deport your lazy asses
back to the third world.
410
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:44,486
Wait a minute,
hang on, everybody.
411
00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:48,512
What he just said does not
represent the America
that I know and love.
412
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,549
This country used to
welcome our kind
with open arms,
413
00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:54,619
but men like
Carter Pewterschmidt
use us for cheap labor,
414
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,889
and then try to punish us
when we demand to be treated
like human beings.
415
00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:02,126
Well, no more!
Immigrants
built this country,
416
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:06,364
and I say it's time
for us to take it back!
Who's with me?
417
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:09,199
Could you say
whole speech
again in Spanish?
418
00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:13,837
We now return to
419
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:17,207
Gregory Peck Has Been
in That Stall
for Over 45 Minutes Now.
420
00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:29,988
Crimony.
421
00:21:38,664 --> 00:21:40,163
Ah!
422
00:21:40,232 --> 00:21:44,568
Finally, now I feelwell enough to visitmy grandchildren.
423
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,675
What the hell is that?
424
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:02,920
Get out of the way,
Mr. Pewterschmidt, we are
here to take what's ours.
425
00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:04,566
Well, I mean,
technically
it's yours,
426
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:06,035
but we don't feel
like you deserve it,
427
00:22:06,059 --> 00:22:08,337
so we're calling it ours
and taking it anyway.
428
00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:11,962
But, Peter, why would
you want to harm
a fellow American citizen?
429
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:14,343
What?
All I have to do
is make one call
430
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:15,710
to a friend of mine
in Washington,
431
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:17,446
and he can push
your paperwork through.
432
00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:19,837
You'll officially be
an American citizen.
433
00:22:19,906 --> 00:22:21,672
Not good enough,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.
434
00:22:21,741 --> 00:22:24,208
I want citizenship
for everyone here.
435
00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:26,288
Peter, you do not
have to do this.
436
00:22:26,312 --> 00:22:27,912
Yes I do, Gerardo.
437
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:31,015
This great land
should be everything
to you that it is to me.
438
00:22:31,084 --> 00:22:34,018
A land where a man
is paid a wage
he can live on.
439
00:22:34,087 --> 00:22:36,521
A land where
we flush every time.
440
00:22:36,590 --> 00:22:40,057
A land where 17 miles
is not walking distance.
441
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:42,559
A land where meals
are not purchased
from a truck
442
00:22:42,629 --> 00:22:44,173
and then eaten
in a different truck.
443
00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,908
All right, all right,
you make your point.
444
00:22:45,932 --> 00:22:47,275
It's getting a little offensive.
445
00:22:47,299 --> 00:22:49,901
That's my only offer.
Take it or leave it.
446
00:22:49,969 --> 00:22:53,704
Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.
447
00:22:54,741 --> 00:22:56,874
I'll never forget you, Gerardo.
448
00:22:56,942 --> 00:22:58,888
Boy, I sure am
gonna miss Reynaldo,
449
00:22:58,912 --> 00:23:01,090
but I'm glad
I'm finally
an American again.
450
00:23:01,114 --> 00:23:03,358
Being an immigrant
is a real
pain in the ass.
451
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:07,085
I'm glad, too, Peter,
but I did enjoy learning
about another culture.
452
00:23:07,153 --> 00:23:09,698
Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess
everything's back to normal.
453
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:12,568
♪ Well, I guess
everything's
back to normal ♪
454
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:14,035
Oh, man, not this guy again.
455
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,671
♪ Oh, man,
not this guy again ♪
456
00:23:16,796 --> 00:23:17,916
♪ Fart! ♪
36547
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