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00:00:03,070 --> 00:00:06,104
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,408
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,476 --> 00:00:12,911
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,979 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,250
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:22,587
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,256
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:31,163
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,370 --> 00:00:37,980
This Tuesday on Lifetime,
11
00:00:38,004 --> 00:00:41,173
Valerie Bertinelli stars
in a Lifetime original movie.
12
00:00:41,241 --> 00:00:43,975
You know, Doctor,you said you were goingto cure my cancer,
13
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,711
but all you did was rape me.
14
00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:47,891
I'm starting to thinkI don't havecancer at all.
15
00:00:47,915 --> 00:00:49,860
Well, you're right,
about the rape part,
16
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:51,862
but I'm sorry,you stilldo have cancer.
17
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:55,765
Valerie Bertinelli in...
18
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:03,629
Brian, did you know
that Daryl Hannah
has one wooden finger?
19
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,342
Really?
Where did
you read that?
20
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:06,831
In People magazine.
21
00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:10,380
Jillian, can you run
and get me a beer
from the kitchen?
22
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,103
Oh, yeah, sure, no problem.
23
00:01:12,172 --> 00:01:14,517
Hey, Jillian,
you and Brian
got big plans tonight?
24
00:01:14,541 --> 00:01:17,275
Yeah. Brian's taking me
to Disney On Ice.
25
00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,011
I want to go.
26
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,413
Well, Peter, if you want,
you can have my ticket.
27
00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:25,451
What?
But, Brian, I thought
you wanted to go.
28
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,987
Stitch is going to do
a skating duet
with Sebastian, the crab.
29
00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:31,756
It's not really my cup of tea.
30
00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:34,560
Plus, Walt Disney was
an outspoken anti-Semite.
31
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:39,464
So, Disney, ABC, ESPN,
Touchstone... These would
all be things to avoid.
32
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:44,535
Well, oh, okay.
Peter, you want to
go see Disney On Ice?
33
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,675
Oh, God, yes!
34
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:54,145
I'll be right back.
I'm going to go put on
my Donald Duck costume.
35
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,214
Ready.
36
00:02:01,521 --> 00:02:04,890
Meg, lend me 25 cents
so I can ride
the toy airplane outside
37
00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,992
and make the immigrant kids
jealous.
38
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,796
Look at me.
I'm having a magical
aerial adventure
39
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:15,100
because my family
has disposable income.
Here you go.
40
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,345
What is this?
41
00:02:16,369 --> 00:02:18,837
It's a pamphlet on
why I'm bombing you.
42
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,383
Hey, Meg.
Hi, Carl.
43
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:21,918
Hey, how come
you're always here
by yourself?
44
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,509
Are you, like,
a bitch or something?
45
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,777
No, I have friends.
46
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:25,944
Oh.
47
00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:27,879
Well, you should bring
some of them in here.
48
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:29,959
Any of them have braces?
Yeah.
49
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:34,052
I love braces.
My mom has them.
50
00:02:34,121 --> 00:02:38,390
Well, listen... I need
disposable diapers,
but it looks like you're out.
51
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:41,293
Oh, no, I got some
in the stockroom.
Hang on.
52
00:02:41,361 --> 00:02:43,973
Oh, Vince Vaughn's
on the cover of
Entertainment Weekly.
53
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,309
Here's my summary
of every
Vince Vaughn movie.
54
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,499
"Oh, I'm incapable
of loving another person.
55
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:50,613
"Oh, wait,
no, I'm not.
The end."
56
00:02:50,637 --> 00:02:53,838
I don't even want to
look at his face.
57
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,951
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?
58
00:02:55,975 --> 00:02:59,478
Oh, my God!
Now, I've got to
clean all this up.
59
00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,215
Carl, I'm so sorry.
60
00:03:03,283 --> 00:03:06,362
Wow, Meg,
you alphabetized
all the magazines.
61
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:07,530
Hey, you want a job?
62
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:10,755
What? Me?
Here? Yeah, sure.
63
00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,704
Great.
You start tomorrow.
64
00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,464
Hey, Chris.
Hey, Meg.
65
00:03:19,232 --> 00:03:20,799
I don't have any money,
66
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,946
so I'm going to have to
pay for these
comic books with my poo.
67
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,548
Chris, how come
you don't have any money?
68
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:26,972
I thought you had a paper route.
69
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,208
Well, I'm taking
a sabbatical
to focus on my pottery.
70
00:03:30,277 --> 00:03:32,277
Oh. How's that
working out?
71
00:03:32,345 --> 00:03:34,257
Not good, Meg, not good.
72
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,148
Well, maybe I could
talk to Carl
and get you a job here.
73
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,449
You could do that?
74
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,152
Absolutely.
Carl totally trusts me.
75
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,688
You and I
will be the best
brother-sister team
76
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,690
since Maggie
and Jake Gyllenhaal.
77
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,159
I'm more off-putting.
78
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,838
No, I'm more off-putting.
79
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:51,296
I'm more unattractive
to put in a lead role.
80
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,442
Well, I'm a bigger
box office drag.
81
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,500
Kids, kids.
You're both...
82
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,935
Just awful.
83
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,418
Oh, hi, Brian.
84
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,353
I thought you were
spending the day
with Jillian.
85
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,710
I was, but Peter
took her off my hands.
86
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:08,380
Perfect timing.
I've been feeling
a little smothered lately.
87
00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:10,748
Plus, it's given me
a chance
to work on my novel.
88
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:12,450
And I finally have a title.
89
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:13,751
Oh, what is it?
90
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,588
"Faster Than
the Speed of Love."
91
00:04:20,026 --> 00:04:22,227
That is the worst title
I've ever heard.
92
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:25,297
No, it's the story of
a boy who has to
rescue his father,
93
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,900
who's a pilot that's been
taken captive by
a militant Islamic country.
94
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,315
That's the movie Iron Eagle.
95
00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:36,174
What? Is that...
Is that a recent film?
96
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:38,476
They made three sequels!
97
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:40,011
Yeah, well, in mine,
98
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,058
the boy's got to
gather all these
old World War II pilots
99
00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:44,316
to help him rescue his father.
100
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:48,587
That's one of the sequels!
101
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,956
Well, well, in mine,
one of the World War II
guys is Japanese,
102
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,892
but they accept him anyway.
103
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,529
I'm going to pee in my pants!
104
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,267
Boy, it sure is fun
hanging out
with you, Peter.
105
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,651
That means "thank you"
in my new language
I'm inventing.
106
00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:12,276
Anyway, all I was saying is,
if you think about it,
107
00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,624
it shouldn't have been
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
108
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:17,148
It should've been
Ferris Bueller's Day On,
109
00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:19,061
'cause that
was all the stuff
he wanted to do.
110
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:21,886
Yeah! And he was
so on that day,
111
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:24,088
so it kind of works
on two levels.
112
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,668
Well, I don't know
what you mean by that,
113
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,303
but how about that Cameron, huh?
114
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,594
Oh, definitely.
Am I right?
115
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,463
It was his day off, too.
116
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:33,609
That is just
what I was going to...
His day off...
117
00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,311
That is just what
I was going to say.
118
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,869
You know,
you are a catch, young lady.
You know that?
119
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,516
I don't know
when the hell Brian is
going to open his eyes
120
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:41,651
and get serious with you.
121
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,175
I really wish he would.
122
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:47,379
It'd be so great
if we were at least
living together.
123
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,759
Well, you need to
just lay it on the line
with him.
124
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,028
Either he commits
to you,
or you're gone.
125
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,318
What the hell did you do?
126
00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:57,322
Because of what you said,
Jillian wants us
to move in together!
127
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,634
Well, I think you should, Brian.
128
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,236
She's beautiful, she's funny,
129
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,928
and she is smart
as the day is wide.
130
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,316
Don't you understand?
I don't want a committed
relationship with Jillian.
131
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,212
Well, it sounds like she does.
132
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,613
And if you're never
going to get serious,
133
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:11,981
then you're not
being fair to her.
134
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,482
I mean, what are you, Brian?
135
00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:16,674
One of those creepy guys
who just
uses a woman for sex?
136
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:18,855
Because Jillian deserves better.
137
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,079
She has feelings, you know,
138
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,308
and she's devoted
a lot of time and energy
to this relationship
139
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,784
with some expectation
140
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,431
that it could grow
into something
much more significant,
141
00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:31,089
and if you're just
stringing her along,
142
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:34,403
well, then I got to say,
I have lost a lot of
respect for you, Brian.
143
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:36,339
You don't really think
I'm like that, do you?
144
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,062
Prove me wrong.
145
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:39,242
All right, I will, Lois.
146
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,043
I will ask her
to move in with me,
147
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,046
and you'll see,
I've got what it takes.
148
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,350
See, that wasn't so bad, was it?
149
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,672
I got to say,
that was fantastic.
150
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,208
What do you say, we go back
to your place for round two?
151
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,643
Sounds good to me.
152
00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:58,116
- Wow, three times in a row.
- You're amazing, Glenn.
153
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,330
Well, I just take
a lot of pride in what I do.
154
00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:02,754
Hey, what's going on here?
155
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,157
Get off my wife!
156
00:07:05,226 --> 00:07:06,636
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
157
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:11,063
You shot my Homie!
I'm calling the police!
158
00:07:12,299 --> 00:07:13,365
Ay Caramba!
159
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,933
Mum and Dad are dead!
160
00:07:16,337 --> 00:07:19,804
Oh, no, who will pay
for my saxophone lessons?
161
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,198
Boy, you know,
I got to tell you, Jillian,
162
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,288
this move is really
working out great.
163
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,091
It just feels right, you know.
164
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,359
Cool.
Rock on, Brian.
165
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:42,594
Okay, done.
166
00:07:45,765 --> 00:07:47,310
Stewie.
Hey. What's up?
167
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,567
Oh, I was just on my way
back from the cobbler.
168
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:52,170
Figured before I stopped
by the apothecary,
I'd come here,
169
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,406
and then it's off
to the haberdasher.
170
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,342
These turn of the century
business jokes
doing anything for you?
171
00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:59,322
Not really.
Did you use the jokes?
172
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,246
Yeah, they're not landing.
173
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,182
Got your mail.
So, how's it going?
174
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,462
I tell you, Stewie,
it's going great.
175
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,187
And that's the worst part.
I can't afford the rent.
176
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,434
I'll be lucky
if I can make it
to the end of the month.
177
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,769
Sounds like you need a roommate.
178
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,170
Where did you get
that kind of money?
179
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,914
I picked up Chris's paper route.
180
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:24,068
Oh, OshKosh B'Gosh,
it's a brand new paperboy.
181
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,170
That's a mighty
full sack
you're carrying.
182
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,384
Piss off,
you perverted
old freak!
183
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,074
Oh, we got a fighter.
184
00:08:33,646 --> 00:08:36,025
Wow, you were almost
in a dirt bike race?
185
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:38,448
Yeah, yeah, I filled out
most of the paperwork, too.
186
00:08:38,517 --> 00:08:41,318
You are the coolest guy
I have ever met.
187
00:08:41,387 --> 00:08:42,420
Yeah?
188
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,955
Hey, guys.
189
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,591
Chris, I need you to
stack the boxes
in the back for me.
190
00:08:46,659 --> 00:08:48,893
You know what, Meg?
Why don't you do that?
191
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,506
I need Chris up here with me.
192
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,062
But the boxes are really heavy.
193
00:08:52,131 --> 00:08:54,977
Oh, that's 'cause
there's a bunch
of stuff in them.
194
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:56,001
Chris?
195
00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:58,670
Yeah.
196
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:00,904
Chris, you ever see
the movie Cruel Intentions?
197
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,639
No.
198
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,177
Oh, Selma Blair and
Sarah Michelle Gellar
make out. It's pretty hot.
199
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:08,045
47 minutes, 16 seconds in.
200
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:09,658
No way.
Yeah, yeah.
201
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,060
You know what's
another great movie?
202
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,350
Career Opportunities
with Jennifer Connelly.
203
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,652
I mean, that's one of
those movies that...
204
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:19,590
I mean, she's really
hot in it,
but it's also a good movie.
205
00:09:19,658 --> 00:09:22,471
She was in
A Beautiful Mind,
and I've got to say,
206
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:27,131
the direction was excellent,
but I was very
disappointed that she...
207
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,766
Wore clothes the entire film.
208
00:09:29,835 --> 00:09:31,502
Was she hot in it?
209
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:36,073
Yeah, in the way that,
like, classy women
with expensive clothing
210
00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:39,182
who never
take them off
are hot, you know?
211
00:09:39,712 --> 00:09:41,290
No.
All right.
212
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,092
So, like, you see a hot girl,
213
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,827
and you're, like,
"Okay, I appreciate
your exterior beauty
214
00:09:45,851 --> 00:09:47,262
"'cause you've
definitely worked at it
215
00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:50,599
"with the clothing,
and the jewelry, and
the makeup and stuff."
216
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,890
But secretly, I'm just,
like, "Hey, man...
217
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:57,361
"Where is the chase
and how do I cut to it?"
218
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,862
Wow, you're smart.
219
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:02,266
What?
220
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:08,906
Listen, I hope you don't mind
Stewie staying with us
for a little while.
221
00:10:08,975 --> 00:10:12,109
He... He just gets
really lonely
without me at home.
222
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:17,314
You're so fatherly.
It really turns me on.
223
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:21,052
Brian,
there's no more
graham crackers.
224
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,519
They're in the cabinet.
225
00:10:22,588 --> 00:10:24,021
I don't see them.
226
00:10:24,090 --> 00:10:27,357
They're right in front of you.
Which cabinet
are you looking at?
227
00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:29,271
Can't you just come in here?
228
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,828
No, I'm busy!
229
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:37,301
Oh, no!
Oh, no, Brian!
230
00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:39,749
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
231
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,752
Oh, Brian, we need paper towels!
232
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:46,677
Oh! Oh, it's going
under the fridge! Oh!
233
00:10:46,746 --> 00:10:47,990
Just use a dish towel!
234
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,358
There aren't any, Brian!
235
00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:53,584
You need to come in here!
Oh! We are gonna have ants!
236
00:10:59,224 --> 00:11:00,858
A hundred points.
237
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:03,026
Meg, clean up aisle two.
238
00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:05,729
What the hell is this?
I am not cleaning this up.
239
00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:08,399
Meg, less talkie, more sweepie.
240
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:09,500
Shut up, Chris!
241
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,101
You can't tell me what to do.
242
00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:13,481
Actually, Meg,
as your supervisor,
he can.
243
00:11:13,505 --> 00:11:14,572
Supervisor?
244
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:15,951
Yeah, I promoted him
this morning.
245
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:18,042
Promoted me this morning.
What?
246
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:21,411
Carl, you promised me
that assistant
manager position.
247
00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:22,980
Meg, things change.
248
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:25,293
Hey, you ever see
Broken Lizard'sClub Dread?
249
00:11:25,317 --> 00:11:26,517
No.
250
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,764
Well, go see that movie
and absorb its message,
251
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,966
and you'll get the gist
of what I'm talking about.
252
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,356
Carl, this isn't fair!
253
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,102
All right, then, you're fired.
254
00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:37,361
What? But...
No, you can't...
255
00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:43,100
Don't worry about it,
Chris, she'll be fine.
256
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:47,104
Hey, by the way,
you know who else is hot
in kind of a screwed up way?
257
00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:48,706
Mary Stuart Masterson.
258
00:11:48,775 --> 00:11:51,520
Yeah, yeah, in that
sort of "you think
you could get her,
259
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,756
"'cause she could
be your brother"
kind of thing.
260
00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:57,214
Like, she's gettable,
you know?
Like Elisabeth Shue.
261
00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,349
Oh, I remember her.
Yeah.
262
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:04,689
You know, she was in
Leaving Las Vegas in addition
to Adventures in Babysitting.
263
00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:06,535
One of those
underrated actresses
264
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,370
that was always
talented and beautiful,
265
00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,539
and never quite popped,
if you know the meaning.
266
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,830
Who, Elisabeth Shue?
Yeah.
267
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:17,101
Like totally naked
in Leaving Las Vegas.
268
00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:21,238
And still so hot.
Like...
269
00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,573
I don't see art films.
270
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:24,341
Like, like, crazy hot.
271
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,745
Yeah, it's about
39 minutes,
45 seconds in.
272
00:12:27,814 --> 00:12:29,658
Oh.
It's a really
exceptional sequence.
273
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,694
I mean, Nick Cage
is poisoning himself
with alcohol.
274
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:35,753
He's a...
He's a failed writer
who just decides that,
275
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,933
"Oh, I'm going to
have a big last hurrah
in Las Vegas."
276
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:42,159
And then he meets a whore
and pays her a bunch of
money to stay with him,
277
00:12:42,227 --> 00:12:45,340
and have sex with him
while he murders
himself slowly.
278
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,942
And, you know,
she's game for it,
279
00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:48,877
but she catches feelings
midway through
280
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:50,378
and the whole thing changes.
281
00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,937
Wow, have you seen Cocktail?
282
00:12:53,005 --> 00:12:55,005
Yeah, yeah.
She was in that.
283
00:12:55,041 --> 00:12:56,941
She was in that.
Yeah.
284
00:13:06,285 --> 00:13:07,384
You like that?
285
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,886
Yeah, it's rad.
286
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,688
Don't talk, please.
Hang on,
let me get a condom.
287
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,925
Brian, are you guys up?
288
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,204
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?
289
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:16,327
Go back to bed.
290
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,029
But I'm not tired.
291
00:13:18,097 --> 00:13:19,997
And I'm lonely.
292
00:13:20,065 --> 00:13:22,567
Oh, come, get in bed with us.
293
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,279
Oh, all right.
"Dear Penthouse Forum."
294
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,203
No, no, Stewie, go away!
295
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,050
Brian, don't be mean to him.
296
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:31,241
Yes, Brian,
if you're mean to me,
I'll stop paying the rent.
297
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,543
What did he say?
298
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,144
Nothing.
299
00:13:34,213 --> 00:13:37,414
That's right, I'm paying
Mr. Lickity Self's
half of the rent.
300
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:38,816
Is that true?
301
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,085
All right, yes, fine, it's true.
302
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:42,931
Why didn't you say anything?
303
00:13:42,955 --> 00:13:45,455
Because you wanted me
to move in so badly,
304
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,257
and God knows
I didn't want to...
305
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:50,594
Wait...
You didn't want to
move in with me?
306
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,763
Well, honestly, no.
307
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:56,600
Oh, my God!
I've never felt so stupid!
308
00:13:56,668 --> 00:13:58,113
Really?
Really?
309
00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,182
Well, I don't want to
be your
guilty burden, Brian!
310
00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:02,239
We're through!
311
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:03,607
Jillian, wait!
312
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,708
Damn it.
313
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:05,921
I'm sorry, Brian.
314
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:07,456
You'll feel better
in the morning.
315
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,927
Hey, you know
what you should do?
316
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,361
You should have sex
with somebody else
317
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:15,564
just to get back at her
for walking out on you.
318
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:16,832
Just have sex with somebody.
319
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,167
Anybody. Just don't
even think about it.
320
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,159
The next person you see.
The very
next person you see.
321
00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,237
She's gone, Jillian's gone.
322
00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:35,984
Look, Brian, I know
you're upset now,
323
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:38,876
but I think it's important
to see things
in perspective.
324
00:14:38,944 --> 00:14:42,446
Remember when
Alex P. Keaton
lost his girlfriend?
325
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,816
And then he got another one,
and everything was all right?
326
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,985
And then he got
Parkinson's. Yikes.
327
00:14:49,054 --> 00:14:50,754
You know, Stewie, you're right.
328
00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,157
This is not a loss,
it's an opportunity.
329
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:56,093
I'm free now.
I've got my own place,
no attachments.
330
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,727
There you are.
331
00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,509
That's just the kind of
can-do spirit
that built this nation.
332
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,234
"We hold these truths
to be self-evident,
333
00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:05,447
"that all men
are created equal."
334
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,138
Except the Jews.
335
00:15:07,206 --> 00:15:10,207
Franklin, for the fifth time,
I'm sorry you overpaid
for your house,
336
00:15:10,276 --> 00:15:11,453
but it's not going in.
337
00:15:11,477 --> 00:15:12,709
You'll be sorry.
338
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,211
Noted. Moving on.
339
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:19,427
So, Meg, any luck
finding another job?
340
00:15:19,451 --> 00:15:22,285
No. Hardly anybody's
hiring right now.
341
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:26,123
The only job I could find
was for a phone sex line,
and I sucked at it.
342
00:15:26,192 --> 00:15:32,262
What am I wearing?
A hat and glasses.
343
00:15:33,065 --> 00:15:35,699
What kind of underwear?
344
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,034
I don't know.
345
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:40,771
Big underwear, I guess.
I'm sorry, what?
346
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,742
Oh, what would I do to you?
Well...
347
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:50,080
I guess maybe we'd get pizza.
And we could watch House.
348
00:15:50,149 --> 00:15:51,760
All right, I am totally flaccid,
349
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,385
but thank you anyway, ma'am,
I appreciated your time.
350
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,186
Mom, check it out!
351
00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,490
I just got my paycheck
and my salary's doubled
ever since Meg got fired.
352
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,027
Oh, shut up, you bastard!
353
00:16:03,095 --> 00:16:05,140
Chris, we should have
a talk about Meg.
354
00:16:05,164 --> 00:16:07,342
She's really upset
that she got fired.
355
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:10,367
Gee, I didn't realize
working at the store
meant that much to her.
356
00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:14,104
You know, it would mean
the world to her if
she could get her job back.
357
00:16:14,172 --> 00:16:17,285
And you'd be
one terrific brother
if you could help her.
358
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:20,511
Well, gosh, Mom,
I'll sure try.
Poor Meg.
359
00:16:20,579 --> 00:16:25,850
She got a worse deal than
that no-armed baseball player,
Bucky LaGrange.
360
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,363
Groundballto shortstop.The throw is to second,
361
00:16:28,387 --> 00:16:32,656
and again,the ball sails past LaGrangeinto right field.
362
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:37,394
The runners will scoreand a cascade of "boos"rain down from the stands,
363
00:16:37,463 --> 00:16:42,633
as clearly the fans' sympathyfor this scrappy, littleno-armed man has run out.
364
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,935
Now, granted, the throw
was a little wide,
365
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:48,250
but you've got to believethat a two-armed playerwould've made the catch.
366
00:16:48,274 --> 00:16:51,575
In fact, a one-armed playerwould haveat least had a shot at it,
367
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:54,311
which calls to mind
the question once again,
368
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,882
why, with all thetwo-armed youngsterswaiting in the minor leagues,
369
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,484
does this team stick with
an armless second baseman?
370
00:17:00,552 --> 00:17:02,619
And he hasn't had a hit in ever.
371
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,289
In ever, Jerry.
In ever.
372
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,231
What the hell?
What are you people doing
in my apartment?
373
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,000
Hey! You made it.
374
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:18,469
What is all this?
What's going on?
375
00:17:18,537 --> 00:17:20,348
You, that's what's going on.
376
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:22,183
Come on, time for you
to meet some women
377
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:24,775
who are gonna make you
forget about Jillian.
378
00:17:24,843 --> 00:17:26,555
Looks like
there's a lot of
gay guys here.
379
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,912
Yeah, everybody's
having a good time.
380
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:31,315
Brian, I want to
introduce you
to Joanna.
381
00:17:31,383 --> 00:17:33,818
Look out for this one,
she's a bit of a card.
382
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,020
Okay, here's one for you.
383
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,823
What food can't
make up its mind?
384
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,991
This is gonna be good.
385
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,361
A waffle.
386
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:54,004
This one.
Didn't I warn you,
right? Right?
387
00:17:58,444 --> 00:18:00,044
How are you still single?
388
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,216
Hey there, buddy.
Check it out.
Check it out.
389
00:18:06,284 --> 00:18:10,019
I put a cruller in
the Jerry's Kids jar.
I thought that would be funny.
390
00:18:10,088 --> 00:18:14,291
That is hilarious,
but, Carl, I want you to
hire my sister back.
391
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:16,037
No, Chris,
she's a pain
in the ass.
392
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:17,828
I don't want her back in here.
393
00:18:17,896 --> 00:18:22,265
Well, that's a shame,
because I watched
Event Horizon last night.
394
00:18:22,334 --> 00:18:24,535
No way!
We have to talk
about it!
395
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:27,415
Yeah, well,
my memory
is kind of hazy.
396
00:18:27,439 --> 00:18:30,106
We have to talk about
every scene, man.
397
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:34,111
Hey, hey, hey! Remember
when Jack Noseworthy's
eyes explode?
398
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,512
Wasn't that awesome?
399
00:18:35,581 --> 00:18:37,647
Please agree with me that,
that was awesome.
400
00:18:37,716 --> 00:18:40,650
Well, if you hire Meg back,
maybe I'll have an opinion.
401
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:43,921
She's hired, she's hired!
What do you think of it?
402
00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,288
It was awesome!
403
00:18:45,357 --> 00:18:46,456
Wasn't it awesome?
404
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:47,891
It was totally awesome!
405
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,461
It was the most
awesome thing ever!
Hug me!
406
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,278
Hey, how you doing, Brian?
407
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,668
Lousy.
408
00:18:57,736 --> 00:19:01,738
I know who can cheer you up.
The robot from SpaceCamp.
409
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:04,808
Brian and Jinx are friends.
410
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,176
Get that out of here.
411
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,605
Okay, how about
the robot
from Rocky IV?
412
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,572
Look, Stewie,
get these stupid '80s
movie robots out of here,
413
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,895
and leave me alone.
414
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,763
It's all your fault
that Jillian's gone.
415
00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:30,667
My fault?
Brian, you've got no one
to blame but yourself.
416
00:19:30,736 --> 00:19:32,714
You let the fat man
talk you into moving out.
417
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:34,249
You let Jillian
walk out the door.
418
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,084
Stop getting pushed around.
419
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,987
Be a man.
If you want her,
go get her.
420
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,378
You know something?
You are absolutely right.
421
00:19:41,447 --> 00:19:45,115
It is time for me
to take charge
of my own life.
422
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,686
Stand aside,
I got to
get my girl back.
423
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,388
Go, get her, Brian.
424
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,370
Hi.
425
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,838
Hi, Brian.
426
00:20:07,906 --> 00:20:09,417
What are you doing here?
427
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:12,742
Jillian, look,
I made a huge mistake.
428
00:20:12,811 --> 00:20:14,377
I don't want to lose you.
429
00:20:14,446 --> 00:20:16,791
You know,
you really
hurt me, Brian.
430
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:18,860
And I can't let you
do that again.
431
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,717
Look, I won't.
I promise.
432
00:20:20,786 --> 00:20:22,364
I don't know
how to tell you this,
433
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:25,489
but you're too late.
I met someone else.
434
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:27,803
Jillian, do you get
the Oxygen Network?
435
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:30,928
If I miss my Moesha,
I get a bit crabby.
436
00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:32,663
In a minute, Adam.
437
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,699
Well, I guess this is good-bye.
438
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,479
Please don't send me away.
439
00:20:38,503 --> 00:20:40,103
I have to.
440
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,905
You broke my heart.
441
00:21:03,395 --> 00:21:05,929
Well, Meg, you got
your job back.
442
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:09,499
Actually, Chris, I don't.
I really appreciate
what you did for me,
443
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,769
but I can't work
for that guy anymore.
He's a freak.
444
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,982
The important thing is
that you stood up for me,
445
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:16,551
and I won't forget it.
446
00:21:16,575 --> 00:21:18,553
Oh, Brian, I know
you miss Jillian,
447
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,254
but it is good to have you back.
448
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:21,745
Kind of sucks though.
449
00:21:21,813 --> 00:21:24,881
I mean, you are never
gonna find a chick
that hot again.
450
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,894
You know what
the mistake was,
moving in together.
451
00:21:26,918 --> 00:21:29,586
Well, it's just another
life experience, I guess.
452
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:30,965
Hey, and look on
the bright side.
453
00:21:30,989 --> 00:21:34,469
Maybe you got
another chapter
for your book.
454
00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:39,174
Oh, yeah,
pile it on,
pile it on.
455
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:41,332
Welcome home, asshole!
35818
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