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[voices chanting]

[man 1] Germanicus dead.

[funeral priest] Hail, the great
grandfather of Germanicus,

hail Julius Caesar,

now a god!

Hail, the grandfather
of Germanicus,

Augustus Caesar,

now a god!

Behold the ashes of Germanicus

-Murdered!
-Murdered!

[funeral priest] So
cruelly taken from us

[blackbird squawking]

[funeral priest]
Hail, the father of Germanicus

Hail Tiberius Caesar

[woman 1]
Who killed Germanicus?

[funeral
priest] Emperor of Rome!

[man 2]
Tiberius! Tiberius! Tiberius!

He's going to kill me

You're safe. You're with me.

He's going to kill us,

just the way he killed
our father, our mother,

and our brothers.

I am not going to die!

You won't.

You're his heir,
there is no one else.

Yes

there's Gemellus

and Claudius

Gemellus is too young,

Claudius is an idiot,

and Tiberius is old.

You will be emperor.

Soon.

And you will be my queen.

You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.

But we're in Rome.

And you are already promised.

[calm music]

[Caligula] I know.

To Ennia.

[Drusilla] Remember,

Macro does command
the Praetorian Guard.

[blackbird cawing]

[blackbird cawing]

[Drusilla laughing]

[Drusilla] It's only a bird.

[blackbird cawing]

[giggles]

What's it like
with your husband?

What's what like?

[giggles]

He's so fat.

He's disgusting.

[Drusilla] He's not.

He's just large.

But tiny where it counts.

How do you know?

I saw him at the baths.

Poor, poor Drusilla

[Drusilla] You are vile.

[giggles]

[sentry] Password?

[Drusilla] Who's that?

[Macro] Justice.

[suspenseful music]

Prince.

Forgive me, Prince.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

[Caligula] Only my dreams.

Happy dreams?

News from Capri?

The Emperor
commands you to wait upon him.

We sail at first light.

What does he want?

A last look at you, perhaps.

He is seventy-seven.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

In love.

In Hell then, as the poet says.

My wife won't be happy
until she sees you in Capri.

Wait outside.

[suspenseful music]

What do
you think all this means?

Take care, Little Boots.

Pray to Isis for me.

[tension music]

[Caligula] Nerva. Dear friend.

Ten years is a long time for
the Emperor to be hidden away.

I should feel a great deal
happier if he were back in Rome,
where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the Emperor?

Old, like me.

I mean how is his mood?

Like the weather.

Well, the weather is good today.

Changeable.

I am told
that during the last month,

seven of my colleagues in the
Senate have been put to death

for treason.

[screaming in the distance]

[Caligula] Nine to be exact.

And five of them cheated

they killed themselves.

That wasn't playing fair,

don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men,

how could their beloved Emperor
find them guilty?

You have a gift
for logic, Prince.

[scream]

[babies crying]

[tension music]

Caligula!

Great Caesar.

Beloved grandfather.

Do your dance, boy.

My dance?

Yes.

The one you delighted
the army with when your father
made you its mascot.

Come on, Little Boots.

I've forgotten it, Lord.

Dance for me.

Delight me.

Dance!

[crack of a whip]

All right, come in, all of you!

[rhythmic drums]

[laughs]

[Claudius laughing]

[rhythmic drums]

[Tiberius] Now stop that!

Do you love me?

Yes, Caesar.

[Tiberius] Why do you say such
monstrous things about me
at Rome?

But I don't, Caesar. Ever.

[Tiberius] I hear you often pray
devotedly for my death.

By heaven,
Caesar, I swear I do not.

[Tiberius] You do not

in public.

Never, Lord.

[Tiberius] Remember this

that I have let you live.

So far.

My little fishies love me.

Innocence, you see

I protect their innocence.

It is all I can do, for
it is a foul world. Away you go!

Nerva is scowling at us.

Nerva, my friend!

Nerva, help me transform this

young barbarian
into a Roman Caesar.

There have been
three Roman Caesars

Julius, Augustus, and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?

The best!

That would be
your father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula?

I am insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend

when I am dead,

watch out for Macro.

I know he hates me.

[Tiberius] Because you are good.

Because you are wise.

Therefore, when I am gone,

watch out for Macro.

[Nerva] I've taken
my precautions, Caesar.

Heaven help Rome

when I die!

I am old.

You will live forever, Lord.

All my family are dead,

but you and me,

the child Gemellus, and
that uncle, that Claudius thing.

All the others,
struck down by fate

and it is fate, Little Boots,
that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Caesar.

No I am not!

Not even when I am dead.

Julius Caesar
and Augustus Cesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate, and so
the people prefer to believe.

Such myths are useful.

Little Boots

look at you.

I am nursing
a viper in Rome's bosom.

[laughs]

[tension music]

Wine!

Do you think this
boy has been drinking?

I think he's
been drinking, Caesar.

So do I.

-Macro?
-[Macro] Yes, Lord?

Give him more wine.

And waste none.

[Macro] The laces to your boots.

Quick!

And what do
they say of me at Rome?

They miss you, Lord.

And they need you.

I have given most of my life
to the Roman people.

I have fought!

[tension music]

Aren't they lovely?

Yes, Lord.

[sentry grunting]

[Tiberius]
The satyrs are from Illyria.

And this nymph

is from

from where?

[nymph] Britain, lord.

Britain.

Speaking statues!

[Tiberius] And
they can do, as well as speak!

[moans]

[moans]

[Tiberius] Do
you prefer nymphs to satyrs?

I like both.

One needs both, keep healthy.

Rome is a republic, Caligula,

and you and I are
just plain citizens.

More conviction!

[moans intensifying]

[tension music intensifying]

Serve the State, Caligula,

although the people in it
are appalling beasts.

But they love you, Lord.

No.

They hate me.

And they fear
me which is better.

There was no choice, you know.

There was no choice.

[sentry choking on wine]

[Caligula] No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly
want to become emperor,

but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become
emperor,
I would have been killed.

As you will be.

Will be?

[Caligula] Will be, Grand

Will be, Grandfather?

[Tiberius] Would be,

if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city,

and we were just citizens,

known to one
another, do you see,

why we were good, frugal,

disciplined, dignified.

We had to be.

Then we conquered the earth.

Amazing, isn't it?

Both boy and girl.

Fortunate creature.

Cost me a fortune.

We found
the world to be wealthy.

So we plundered it

and lost our true character.

The Romans I rule
are not what they were.

They lust.

They lust for pleasure, power,

money, other men's wives.

[laughs]

I am a true moralist,

and stern as any Cato.

[moans]

Fate chose me to govern swine.

In my old age
I have become a swineherd!

Well

do you think this boy
has drunk enough wine?

I think he's
had enough, my lord.

So do I.

[moans]

Now he is happy.

Homer.

You would not know that,

you were educated
in army camps only.

But you will know enough
to be a swineherd.

[Macro] The revised list of
candidates for
the equestrian order.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in
the name of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

Tax assessments
for Asia Minor and Gaul.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in
the name of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

Senators guilty of treason.

Every senator believes himself
to be a potential Caesar,

therefore every senator
is guilty of treason.

In thought if not in deed.

The Senate is the natural enemy
of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Traitors.

They offered to approve
any law I made before I made it.

What if I went
mad, I said. What then?

No answer.

They were born to
be slaves, Little Boots!

Never forget that.

Germanicus, remember!

Born to be
slaves! Never forget that!

Lord, I am not Germanicus.

-I'm his son, Caligula.
-Yes

and your friend is Macro.

He serves
you and only you, Lord.

And his wife is your friend.

Is she friendly in bed?

We must ask Macro, Lord.

She seems friendly.

And Drusilla, your sister?

My sister

is my sister.

I know everything
that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun

and the rising

Gemellus, lovely boy,
come to me, come to me.

And too young to betray me.

Well, perhaps not too young.

Kiss your old grandfather.

My last grandson.

I am your grandson, too, Caesar.

Only by adoption.

This is the last
flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy,

what will become of you?

He's like a brother to me, Lord.

Brother?

In our family,

a brother murders a brother,

who murders his father,

who has murdered his son.

Fate. Drink, Caligula.

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I am gone,
Caligula will kill you.

And then, someone
will kill Caligula.

Unless he should
die before I do.

You are looking not well at all!

I,

Caligula Caesar, command in
the name of the Senate and
the people of Rome.

[stamp slamming]

[Macro] Prince

my wife.

[Caligula] Ennia!

[calm music]

[Ennia giggles]

[Ennia gets surprised]

Now you are a man, Caligula.

What are you going to do?

[suspenseful music]

You must be the master
of your own destiny.

Take it! With both hands.

[moan]

[slave 1] Master!

No!

[slave 2] Master! Oh, master!

[suspenseful music]

[Tiberius] Bind his wrists!

No.

You must not go.
You must not leave me.

You're my friend.

For a man to chose
the hour of his own death

is the closest he can ever come
to tricking fate.

I'll trick you. Quickly!

[Nerva] I've lived
long enough, Tiberius.

And I hate my life.

[Tiberius] Why?

[Nerva] You say that to me?

One by one I've
watched you murder your family,

your friends,

the best of all the Romans.

[Tiberius] Leave us.

Out!

[suspenseful music]

We were friends once, years ago.

We still are.

-You will follow me soon.
-How do you know?

With you gone,
Macro would kill me.

I'll arrest him and execute him.

You can't. He controls you.

Besides,

even if Macro were dead,

how could I go on living

with this reptile?

[suspenseful music]

You will respect my friend
always, won't you, reptile?

I have always
respected him, Lord.

You hear that?

Tiberius, you were wise once.

Don't taunt me, I am old.

I have watched
you grow into a monster.

That is treason, Nerva.

It is true.

I am surrounded by enemies.

You are cruel.

No, honest.

If power can destroy the mind
and character of my Tiberius,

what will it do to this ignorant
boy brought up in army camps,

by men taught him nothing
except how to be your slave?

Caligula serves me well.

The best of slaves
will be the worst of masters.

So from evils past,

and evils yet to come,

I now choose to escape.

[suspenseful music]

You have hurt me.

Goodbye.

[suspenseful music]

[dogs barking]

[dogs barking]

[Macro] Prince

Prince

the physician Charicles
wishes to speak with you.

The Emperor has fallen ill.

The situation is dire.

How is the Emperor?

How long will he last?

Well

it could happen any moment now.

With care,
he might last a year or so.

Only a year?

I can smell death.

But whose?

[Macro] Don't worry,

he can do nothing without me.

[Caligula] So these poor
unfortunate creatures thought.

And where are they?

No, Macro,

he's planning something.

You will be emperor soon.

You swear?

I sw

I swear.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

Leave!

Everyone leave!

[suspenseful music]

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

[suspenseful music intensifying]

[suspenseful music]

Caligula?

Lord!

Give me my ring.

No.

Yes.

[tension music]

You do not dare!

[tension music]

[music stop]

[calm music]

[tension music]

[Tiberius choking]

[tension music]

[peaceful music]

Hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar.

I'll get everyone assembled in
the hall for the announcement.

[peaceful music]

Gemellus!

Hail Caesar.

We are alone, Gemellus.

We must love each other.

[melancholic music]

[melancholic music]

[Caligula] It's
just like the dream.

It's only his mask.

You are Caesar now.

Caesar?

Caesar.

Emperor of
Rome. Lord of the world.

Lord of the world

I like this dream.

At the

At the insistence of the Senate

and the people of Rome,

I accept,

humbly,

the highest office
of our great republic.

Of our great republic.

When our beloved
Tiberius was dying,

he begged me to
carry on his good work

Into the Tiber with Tiberius!

Throw him in the river!

Today, we begin a new era!

[crowd] Hail!

All those who have
been exiled from Rome,

I do now recall!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I grant a general amnesty!

-[cheering]
-Caligula! Caligula!

Silence!

Great Caesar is not finished!

As my fellow consul,

the Senate and
the people of Rome

have wisely chosen
my learned uncle Claudius.

Take your place
beside me, Claudius.

Caesar! Caligula!

Beside me down there, Claudius.

-I mean Consul
-[laughs]

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I herewith adopt, as my son
and heir, the Prince Gemellus.

Come forward, Prince.

From this moment,

all official oaths will
contain the following phrase:

"I will value neither my life,
nor the lives of my children

any more highly than I do that
of the emperor

or of his sister, Drusilla!"

[laughs]

Hail! Hail!

Hail!

[birds chirping]

Did you see
their faces when I told them

they had to swear not
only to me, but to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.

But is it wise?

I can do

anything I like

to anyone.

Well, don't start with me.

Who would you suggest?

[calm music]

[Caligula] Who?

[Drusilla] Do you trust Macro?

[Caligula] Macro?

He did kill Tiberius.

I must appoint a new commander
of my own choice.

Forgive me, Caesar.

Charea!

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a dispute over land
and await your judgement.

Well, bring
them in bring them in

I am interested
in all that is Rome,

even down to
the length of the toga.

-Caesar, I must complain about
-[Caligula] Give me
the documents.

Guilty.

Thank you, thank you!

Do not thank me.

Justice must
always be impartial.

That is so, Charea is it not?

-Oh, yes, Caesar.
-Good.

You may go.

[giggles]

That is your man.

Charea?

He's so boring.

Boring boring!

[calm music]

[action music]

Superb display, Macro.

Superb.

Bring me Gemellus.

[Macro] What, here?

Here. Now.

[suspenseful music]

Charicles,

stand here.

I want a bonus for my guards.

But, Caesar,
that's not possible.

[Caligula] All things that
happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen and
it becomes possible. Logical?

Bergarius, you here.

Charea, you there.

But, Caesar, the imperial
budget, you see,
does not normally

Well, you are the chancellor,
Longinus, can you arrange it?

Uncle, would
you mind stepping over here

How Caesar?

The palace banquets cost
a quarter of a million
sesterces.

Just a quarter of a million?

Well, we'll have to put everyone
on a diet, won't we?

[laughs]

Issue an edict.

[Longinus] Yes, Lord.

But the deficit, you see

Well, how much is my purse?

Well, Lord,

that is as much as you require.

Good!

Macro.

Would you stand there

Longinus, you here.

Yes, Caesar.

[suspenseful music]

Gemellus,

I want you to look at
these gentlemen very carefully,

and tell me,
who killed Tiberius?

[thinks]

[Caligula] Take your time.

Look right into their eyes.

Who killed Tiberius?

He did! Macro!

Murderer!

Arrest him.

[suspenseful music]

In honor of
your new commander, Charea,

ten gold pieces
to every man! Hail!

Hail!

Hail! Hail!

[soldiers continue cheering]

Charea, arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

[calm music]

Ennia.

You look so beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

The divorce will
only take a few days.

I think we should move.

Move?

Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

[Caligula] Yes.

What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome.

I mean

the Senate

-[urinating]
-But I am Rome.

Wherever I am, Rome is.

And there is the Senate,

-and the people of Rome.
-[Ennia giggling]

[clearing throat]

Forgive us, Caesar.

Longinus, hang on a minute

The commission.

Charea,

I now officially appoint you the
commander of my imperial guard.

[tension music]

But what about Macro?

What happened?

Where is he?

He has been
arrested for treason.

Caesar,
you know he worships you.

He made you.

Nobody made me.

I can't believe it.

What was it?

What did he do?

Ennia,

I had to take my
destiny in my own hands.

[tension music]

[Ennia] I love you

I love you

I love you!

I love you!

-[stutter]
-[Ennia] I love you.

I love you.

I love you! I love you!
I love you! I love you!

Well, now at least she doesn't
have to get a divorce.

You still have to
find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't, we're not Egyptians.

I know.

We're much more beautiful.

[Drusilla] Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking
at yourself like that.

Then let's go to Egypt.

You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool!

[Drusilla] But
he's trying very hard.

They'll throw you in the Tiber
if you try to move
the government.

They? Who?

We're safe now.

[Drusilla]
Emperors are never safe.

I am the great Caesar.

I can do anything I like.

You are going to marry
a respectable Roman lady of
the senatorial class.

Oh no I'm not.

Yes you are.
You've got to have an heir.

Who will kill
me when he grows up!

The priestesses of Isis
are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to
marry one of them?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

[Drusilla] Yes.

I wonder what I should wear

[sensual music]

[Caligula] When
does the orgy begin?

[Drusilla] Don't be disgusting.

I'm not, I'm being practical.

If I'm to choose a wife,
I must see how she performs.

Logic.

[sensual music]

That one looks
rather interesting.

[Drusilla] Livia?

She's taken.

She's to marry Proculus,
one of your officers.

Proculus?

I'll send him to Spain.

[Drusilla] She's a virgin.

Not your style. Very boring.

[moans]

[sensual music intensifying]

[Caligula] That will be my wife!

[Drusilla] Oh, no not Caesonia.

You are impossible!

She's the most
promiscuous woman in Rome.

[Caligula] Perfect.

Caesonia's been divorced.

She's extravagant.
Always in debt.

I want her.

But not for a wife.

[sensual music]

Send her to me now.

No.

Yes.

Such is the will of the Senate
and the people of Rome.

[sensual music]

[moans]

[moans intensifying]

[sensual music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

You are very convincing
as a priestess, Caesar.

And you as
a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

[crowd cheering]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

If only all Rome
had just one neck.

[suspenseful music]

I told Caesonia
that I would marry her.

Don't.

But only after
she has born me a son.

How will
you ever know it's yours?

I shall have her well-guarded,
don't worry.

Then you can be sure one of
the guards will be the father.

No, they're all homosexuals
who've been castrated!

Is that the officer
that Livia is going to marry?

Yes, Proculus.

Proculus

-Longinus.
-Caesar.

You see this young
officer here, Proculus

[suspenseful music]

[Livia screaming]

Superb!

Yes.

The crown of
victory for Proculus.

I believe, Proculus,

that you're going to marry
the beautiful Livia?

Yes, Caesar!

I look forward to the wedding.

I'm honored, Caesar!

-[raining]
-[thundering]

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula] Gemellus!

[Caesonia] Caligula!

[thundering]

[Caligula] Gemellus!

Júpiter loves me!

Drusilla!

They're trying to kill me!

Gemellus! I saw
him! He ran away!

He wants me dead!

[calm music]

[calm music]

[calm music]

[birds chirping]

Caligula Caesar,
Emperor of Rome!

-Hail!
-Hail!

And the Lady Drusilla
and the Lady Caesonia.

And the Lady Drusilla
and the Lady Caesonia!

-Hail!
-Hail!

Are we late? Do forgive us?

Was the ceremony beautiful?

The auguries good?

Yes, Caesar.

[Caligula] Splendid.

[Proculus] You are
very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

I shall now bestow the special
blessing of almighty Caesar

upon this

-happy union.
-[crowd] Hail!

Perfect.

I thought
you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for my wedding gift.

What a delicious bride.

Take off your robe, dear girl.

-But
-But?

Hm? Splendid.

[Caligula] Splendid.

My compliments. Don't move!

[Livia weeping]

[Livia weeping]

[Caligula] Is
she really a virgin, Proculus?

Yes, Caesar.

[Caligula] One can
never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, dear girl.

Lucky girl,

to lose your virginity to a
direct descendent of
the goddess Venus.

[Livia weeping]

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in

open your eyes, Proculus

command in the name
of the Senate open them!

And the people of Rome!

[Livia screaming]

[murmuring guests fall silent]

[Livia sobbing]

[Caligula]
She really was a virgin.

Are you?

[Livia sobbing]

[Caligula] Well, are you?

No, Caesar.

Isis won't like that.

One law for woman,
one for man, that's not fair.

Come on, off with your clothes.

[Livia weeping]

Splendid.

I like your nice
bushy hair, Proculus.

No, Caesar.

-I beg you.
-So thick. Up!

[Livia weeping]

I think
you lied to me, Proculus.

You're a virgin, too.

[Proculus grunting]

I, Caligula Caesar,
command in the name

open your eyes, Livia

in the name of the Senate,
and the people of Rome!

[Proculus screaming]

[butler] Hail, Caesar!

Hail!

All hail Caesar's
beautiful horse, Incitatus.

Hail!

There's Gemellus.

Watch him.

Chuck, chuck,
dear uncle, chuck, chuck.

I want your honest advice

shall I declare
myself king of Rome?

King?

Oh, dear I mean, well

this is the republic, isn't it?

Very well.

I shall make myself
king of the republic.

But you're already greater
than any king, Caesar.

I know, but
I feel so undistinguished.

But to us
you're just like a god.

I am a god.

Or at least
I will be when I am dead.

Gemellus,

try some of these morays.

What's that smell?

What smell, Caesar?

-What have you been taking?
-Just a medicine to ward off the
fever.

Did you give him
medicine for the fever?

-Well, Caesar
-[Caligula] Yes or no?

I

no.

Gemellus, are you accusing your
sovereign of being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote
before you came to my table,

which is tantamount
to accusing me of poisoning you.

That is logical, is it not?

[tension music]

Charea,

arrest Gemellus for treason.

Guards!

No no!

Caesar, no!

No!

Caesar, Caesar, no!

No no

[Caligula] As if there ever
could be an antidote
against Caesar.

[laughs]

[screaming]

[tension music]

Drusilla,

why are you so
concerned for him?

I'm not concerned
for him, but for you.

He knows about Tiberius.

He's a threat to me.

He's not.

He's not even your heir.

Caesonia is now
carrying your child.

Gemellus will die.

-You amateur.
-Amateur?

[slapping]

And they weren't even poisoned.

[guests laughing]

[choking]

[gagging]

[Charicles] Caesar?

[guests clapping]

Well done.

Thank you.

What will you do to Drusilla?

What she said was treason.

I decide what
is treason, not you.

Dance.

Dance?

Yes, show
Incitatus your new dance.

What about your son?

My son?

He will dance with you.

Music!

[drumming starts]

[drumming continues]

[drumming intensifies]

Yeah!

[guests applauding]

[flies buzzing]

Drusilla

you're very, very beautiful.

We are alone now on earth,

as we shall be in the heavens.

[suspenseful music]

He's going to kill me.

He's going to kill me.

[thundering]

He's going to kill me.

The fever must break soon.

And what if it doesn't?

Drusilla

Where is my sister?

She's coming.

Take my horse
back to his own room.

I'm here, Little Boots.

Drusilla, I'm dying.

You are not.

I must make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

Longinus

I want Longinus

[Romans chanting solemnly]

Just listen to the crowd.

Oh, yes, the people love him.

Yet nobody is safe with him.

The Empire is safe.

The Empire?

But he's a tyrant!

[Charea] Better
tyranny than anarchy.

A few families in Rome may
suffer, but the Empire is safe.

There could be far worse horrors

war, revolution, civil chaos

if Caligula were to die

It looks as if
he is going to die anyway.

Longinus.

[moaning]

[Caligula moaning]

You called for me, Caesar?

My my will

Herewith, to my
beloved Drusilla,

the Roman Empire

Title, Augusta.

My little boots

little boots

little boots

He's sleeping.

No, he's not.

[suspenseful music]

[sighs]

Why do I get so angry with you?

Why do we always quarrel?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady, you mustn't touch him,

the fever is contagious

Sleep.

You're safe now.

Drusilla's here.

I offer my life if Jupiter

will only spare
our beloved Emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.

Execute him.

[tension music]

The fever is breaking!

[Drusilla] Do
you hear that, Little Boots?

You're going to live.

[birds chirping]

[peaceful music]

[laughing]

You missed.

I did not miss.

I was aiming for that leaf.

Well, aim at me!

[Caligula whooping]

[music intensifies]

[Caligula whooping]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Drusilla tells me that I've
been neglecting my duty,

so I report for work.

Your signature
and seal is required.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the
Senate and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command

in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

[mockingly] I,
Caligula Caesar, command

Dull dull dull!

Caesar?

If I don't do
something fairly soon,

I shall be remembered
as "Caligula the Dull".

I can see it in
the history books.

Things are going
far too well, Longinus.

-Too well?
-[Caligula] Yes!

No wars, no
catastrophes, nothing.

It's been ages since
we had a proper earthquake.

Well, what nature won't do,
we'll have to do ourselves.

[Longinus] Lord?

There will be a famine.

-But the granaries are
crammed full.
-[Caligula] Exactly!

-Close them down.
-Close them?

Yes.

Stop all the grain supplies,

and issue an order that every
citizen will get provisions
every day,

for which they will bless
their beloved Emperor.

[Longinus] Yes, Lord.

What else?

Perhaps I could conquer Persia,
like Alexander.

The people would love that.

I think war is
a stupid business, don't you?

Yes, Lord.

I want a bridge

right across the Bay of Naples.

Yes, Lord.

And a ship.

Yes, Lord.

[Caligula] With
the most beautiful garden.

Drusilla loves gardens
and she likes the sea.

Which reminds me

we haven't had a sea battle
for a long time.

Flood the amphitheater,

we'll have a sea battle
between Greeks and Trojans.

Yes, Lord.

-Longinus?
-Yes, Lord?

Why do the Romans look so ugly?

Issue an edict,

every man is to wear
two partings in his hair.

Yes, Lord.

Can't you ever say anything
except "Yes, Lord"?

No wonder life's so dull.

Yes, Lord.

[Caligula barking like a dog]

[woman screaming]

[audience murmuring]

[woman screaming]

[asks for silence]

Curtain!

[audience applauding]

[Caesonia screaming]

The child's head
has just appeared!

[Caligula and audience cheering]

Is he alive?

Yes, Caesar!

My lords

I am now to be
married to Caesonia,

the mother of my son,

Caligula Germanicus!

The ring the ring

[Caesonia screaming]

[audience continues applauding]

[newborn crying]

You are now wife, mother,
and Empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.

Did you not hear Caesar say

I heard the words of Caesar,

but your daughter did not.

[newborn continues crying]

I should have
waited, shouldn't I?

There will be other children.

Longinus?

One month of free games,

and a gold coin to every Roman,

to celebrate the birth of my son

my daughter

Julia Drusilla!

Caesar, Caesar

The fever.

[woman] She looks sick

[woman 2] Did he say the fever?

[woman 3] It's the fever

This place isn't safe.

We must leave

Let's get out of here

[suspenseful music]

[blackbird squawking]

[panting]

Drusilla, I'm here.

It's your Little Boots.

[Drusilla moaning]

Do something.

I'm doing
everything I can, Caesar,

I swear, but the fever

Don't leave me.

Not now.

[Drusilla panting]

[Drusilla crying]

Holy Isis, save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs
you, almighty mother.

Caesar

No

No

No

[Caligula humming]

[melancholic music]

Leave us

go

Get out out get out!

Get out! Out!

Get out!

Get out!

[Claudius sobbing]

Get out!

[dramatic choral music]

[dramatic choral music]

[dramatic music intensifies]

No!

[distant cheering]

[distant laughing]

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report,

he's gone to Egypt.

And according to
the other reports?

[sighing]

To Greece

to Carthage

to Persia

to Gaul.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.

No.

He is here. In Rome.

He is testing us.

I wouldn't laugh if
I were you, Longinus.

Neither will I dine
nor bathe with my children,

nor have intercourse
with my parents for a month.

[tension music]

[prisoners shouting]

[woman screaming]

[woman screaming]

[suspenseful music]

[prisoners grunting]

[prisoners laughing]

[prisoners shouting]

[prisoners laughing]

[senators debating]

[senators quieting down]

I have existed
from the morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the last
star falls from the night.

Although I have taken
the form of Gaius Caligula,

I am no man as I am all men,
and therefore I am

a god.

[suspenseful music]

I shall wait for the unanimous
decision of the Senate,
Claudius.

All those
who say "aye", say "aye"!

Aye!

-Aye!
-Aye!

Aye!

[shouting]

Aye!

Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Aye!

[Caligula] Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

[baaing like a sheep]

[continues baaing like a sheep]

The period of
mourning is now over!

[Caligula continues baaing]

[suspenseful music]

All right, Caesonia,

what have I done?

Why did you make
the Senate declare you a god?

That was the Senate's
decision, not mine.

Anyway, I am a god.

A god with human feelings?

A god in human form.

You believe that don't you?

Oh, yes, of course.

Then you're just
as stupid as they are.

I don't want them
to kill your human form.

They won't. They're sheep.

I'm surrounded by
hypocrites and sheep,

forever talking
about service and loyalty.

[baaing] Sheep.

[baaing like a sheep]

I don't trust the Senate.

I don't trust Longinus,

and I don't trust Charea.

[baaing like a sheep]

I only trust my little giant.

And not me?

I trust your heart,
but not your head.

I know. I am not Drusilla.

Caligula

Isis loves us.

We have everything everything!

Why can't you be happy?

Happy?

A happy emperor
on the throne of Rome?

That would be unique.

Do you have to make
your contempt for
the institution so obvious?

Yes!

Why?

It is my inspiration.

Aren't you going
to finish the massage?

You can't, Caesonia.

I'm a god

Don't you think all the gods
look a lot more sympathetic now?

Oh, yes, divine Caesar.

I was talking to Incitatus.

[nickering]

[nickering]

You like them, don't you?

[whispering] What do you say?

I thought he was a deaf mute.

All things speak to god,
and all things listen.

Longinus

Caesar?

We will invade Britain.

But we can't possibly afford it

Don't contradict me,
I can't bear contradictions!

I am inflexible.

Then, Lord,
we should restore the wine tax.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

The people won't love me
if we tax their wine.

Then how will
we raise the money?

Wars, Longinus. Wars.

Conquest. Plunder. Slaves.

That is the logical
way to raise money.

Make the preparations.

Yes, divine Caesar.

Andwe only have to
collect it. Rome, too,

Don't you worry, Longinus,
we shall raise it by the bushel.

Do you like my new march?

[Longinus] Yes, divine Caesar.

[Caligula] I think
I'll teach it to my legions.

Caesonia, how do I look?

Enjoy yourself.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But are they going
to enjoy it as well?

I don't know.
Should we find out?

Longinus!

Ah, Longinus,
my financial wizard.

Longinus,

we have a question for you.

Who is making
the most money in Rome?

Answer

the pimps!

Question number two:

Who are the most
lascivious sluts in Rome?

Who?

Answer

the senators' wives.

Solution?

The Imperial Brothel!

[performers grunting]

-[whips cracking]
-[moans]

Only five gold pieces for each
and every twenty minutes,

and that's a bargain,

because some of the women here
are respectable married ladies

virgins, whores

senators' wives

I'll have to work out
a special rate for you.

Just five gold pieces!

Everybody lasting
three hours or more

will receive Caesar's
special prize for endurance!

Hairy nipples

Senator Marcellus,

your wife will
drive our customers away!

Try hot walnuts.

[moaning intensifies]

Now we sail for Britain!

[moans]

[music intensifies]

[birds chirping]

[Caligula] Mars tells me
we will enjoy a great victory.

What is he doing?

We're only a few
hours march from Rome.

Charea,

is everything
prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar

Only

Only what?

Where is Britain?

Where?

There!

Oh, yes, Lord. There.

-But
-But what?

There is no enemy.

There is papyrus.

Papyrus, divine Caesar?

Yes, papyrus. Don't
be so stupid, Charea.

Order my army to attack
and destroy that papyrus.

After all, we must have some
proof that I conquered Britain.

[war horns blowing]

[shouting orders]

[soldiers shouting]

[shouting intensifies]

[war horns blowing]

[Caligula] Attack!

Destroy!

Get it get over there!

[soldiers shouting]

Kill!

[slow drumming march]

While all of you
were living safely here in Rome,

your beloved
emperor was risking his life

to preserve and
enlarge the Empire.

I have heard rumors

that the Senate doesn't believe
that I ever went to Britain.

No no, Lord.

I did conquer Britain,

and I have a hundred thousand
papyrus canes to prove it!

-[drums start]
-[guests applauding]

[guests] Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

They hate you now.

Let them hate me,
so long as they fear me.

But they are consuls, senators,
they are important men.

So important
that they approve all I do?

They must be mad!

They say nothing!

I don't know what else to do
to provoke them.

[drumming continues]

Cowards.

Sheep.

Almighty Caesar says

take a grape

and catch it in your mouth.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail,
fail, fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail.

Keep a note
of all those who fail, Longinus.

[Longinus] Yes, Caesar.

Almighty Caesar says stand!

Almighty Caesar says get down!

Almighty Caesar says turn right!

Fail! Fail!
Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar
says run down the middle!

Almighty Caesar says hop!

Stop!

Fail! Fail!
Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar says hop! Stop.

Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop.

Almighty Caesar says crawl

crawl crawl

Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!

I hate them!

Almighty Caesar says stop.

Almighty Caesar says,

to balance the state budget,

we shall confiscate the entire
estates of all those
who have failed.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galba

Amponius

Marcellus

Antonius

Cassius

Charea

[Longinus
continues reciting names]

[Caligula] They have failed me.

They have failed Rome.

Arrest them.

[Longinus
continues reciting names]

Almighty Caesar
says arrest them.

[Longinus stops reciting names]

Guards! Arrest them!

[screams]

Almighty Caesar
says finish your dinner.

Eat!

[whispering] Watch Charea.

[whispering] Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to kill me.

What is so amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

All I have to do
is to nod my head,

and both your throats will
be cut right here at dinner.

That is the emperor's privilege.

Is it true that there's been a
conspiracy against me, Longinus?

Well, Lord that is I mean

there seems to be a secret plot

A plot is always a secret. If
it's not a secret it is not
a plot but a plan.

That is logical,
is it not, Claudius?

Even a halfwit can see that,
and you're a halfwit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

When is the next
consular election?

In two weeks, divine Caesar.

In two weeks
I shall select as consul

the noblest Roman of you all.

[classic music]

I, Caligula Caesar,
in the name of the S

In the name of
the people of Rome,

do now designate as consul

Incitatus!

Hail!

[crowd cheering]

He appeals to the people.

The Senate count for nothing.

The new consul
will now address the Senate.

[Incitatus farting]

[laughing]

All hail Incitatus!

Hail!

-[laughs]
-[cheering]

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

He has mocked the gods and the
Senate, and humiliated the army.

And prostituted our wives!

That's why the people love him.

May he be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

-[laughs]
-[cheering]

What would
you do if you were me?

You never answer me.

You don't exist.

You don't exist.

You don't exist!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

You don't exist!

You don't exist!

No!

No! No!

No!

No!

[cries]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[scream]

[Caesonia] You need sleep.

I think I shall have to resign
myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able
to face the facts, have you?

The facts?

Oh, yes, my lord.

Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

[blackbird squawking]

[tension music]

[whispering] Are you ready?

Will you speak
your lines, sister Isis?

Long have I wandered in
the land of men in search
of you,

brother Osiris.

I have been
killed and cut into bits.

You put my pieces together,

bringing back life with a kiss.

He's waving at us.

Wave back.

It doesn't matter.

It's only a show.

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula] Dancing
master, who are these people?

[dancing master]
They are the dancers from Troy,

divine Caesar.

[Caligula gets surprised]

Troy?

Do they know
Hector's dance of death?

Yes, Lord!

[upbeat music]

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula]
You want to see my dance?

The Password?

Password?

Scrotum.

[Charea] So be it.

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

I

live.

I live!

I

still

live

[Charea] Now.

[scream]

Guards!

Hail Claudius Caesar!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

[dramatic music]