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EAT ME.
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[READING TITLES]
3
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WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
4
00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:52,530
"THE UNSINKABLE SCHECKY...
5
00:00:52,574 --> 00:00:54,097
MOSKOWITZ."
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00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:58,580
THE UNSINKABLE
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ?
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00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:01,713
HUH.
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00:01:09,721 --> 00:01:14,074
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
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00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:22,647
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
10
00:01:22,691 --> 00:01:24,780
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
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00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:28,392
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
12
00:01:28,436 --> 00:01:31,700
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
13
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,397
♪ I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE
14
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:35,269
♪ ONE DUNG THERE
15
00:01:35,312 --> 00:01:36,661
♪ ONE IN HANOVER
16
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:37,793
♪ ONE DUNG A VERE
17
00:01:37,836 --> 00:01:39,577
♪ ONE SHE'S A LAWYER
18
00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:40,883
♪ ONE SHE'S A DOCTOR
19
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:43,799
♪ ONE WHA' DE WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR ♪
20
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,235
♪ ONE DUNG A EAST
21
00:01:45,279 --> 00:01:46,236
♪ ONE DUNG A WEST
22
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,803
♪ I'M 'AVE
ONE UP NORTH ♪
23
00:01:47,846 --> 00:01:49,544
♪ AND 2 DUNG SOUTH
24
00:01:49,587 --> 00:01:50,719
♪ ONE A-SELL A CIGARETTE
25
00:01:50,762 --> 00:01:54,244
♪ 'PON DE RUN-ABOUT
CART, 'EY ♪
26
00:01:54,288 --> 00:01:57,508
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
27
00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,945
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
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00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:03,297
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
29
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:06,256
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
30
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,258
♪ I'M 'AVE ONE
A GO A SCHOOL ♪
31
00:02:08,302 --> 00:02:09,303
♪ ONE GWAN FOOL-FOOL
32
00:02:09,346 --> 00:02:10,565
♪ I'M 'AVE
ONE EV'RY TIME ♪
33
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:12,654
♪ ME SAY SHE THINK
A SHE RULE ♪
34
00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:13,568
♪ ONE SHE A NURSE
35
00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,352
♪ SHE SAY
A SHE COME FIRST ♪
36
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,527
♪ THE ADA NIGHT
DEM GOIN' OUT ♪
37
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,442
♪ DEM PICK A NEW PURSE
38
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:19,530
♪ ONE A SELL STAR
39
00:02:19,574 --> 00:02:21,271
♪ ONE WORK IN A BAR
40
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,359
♪ A SHE CAS' SMILE
41
00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:24,274
♪ WHEN DA 2 A DEM
MUS' PART ♪
42
00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:25,623
♪ ONE GETTI GETTI
43
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,798
♪ ONE FRETTI FRETTI
44
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,887
♪ AND I'M NAH DRINK
NO OTHER MILK ♪
45
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:29,714
♪ BUT BETTY
46
00:02:29,758 --> 00:02:31,629
♪ YOU TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
47
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:34,502
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
48
00:02:34,545 --> 00:02:37,722
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
49
00:02:37,766 --> 00:02:41,204
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
50
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,424
♪ YOU TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
51
00:02:43,467 --> 00:02:45,948
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
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00:02:45,991 --> 00:02:49,256
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
53
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:53,347
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
54
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:06,534
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
55
00:03:06,577 --> 00:03:09,232
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
56
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:12,235
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
57
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:14,977
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
58
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,935
♪ I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE,
ONE DUNG HERE ♪
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00:03:16,979 --> 00:03:18,372
♪ ONE IN HANOVER,
ONE DUNG A VERE ♪
60
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:19,764
♪ ONE SHE'S A LAWYER,
ONE SHE'S A DOCTOR ♪
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00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,331
♪ ONE WHA' DE WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR ♪
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00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:22,680
♪ ONE DUNG A EAST,
ONE DUNG A WEST ♪
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00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:23,855
♪ ONE UP NORTH
AND ONE DUNG SOUTH ♪
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00:03:23,899 --> 00:03:27,337
♪ ONE A GO A SCHOOL,
AND ONE FOOL-FOOL ♪
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00:03:27,381 --> 00:03:29,470
♪ YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE
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00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:31,950
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH
IT ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
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00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:36,216
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
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00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,262
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
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00:03:39,306 --> 00:03:40,829
SCHECKY'S VERY UGLY.
70
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,831
WHEN I SPEAK TO HIM,
I WANT TO VOMIT.
71
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:45,355
I WAS IN THE ELEVATOR
WITH HIM THE OTHER DAY,
72
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:47,401
AND THERE WAS
A--A FOUL SMELL.
73
00:03:47,444 --> 00:03:50,926
HE HAS GREAT CONCEPTS
ABOUT LIFE...
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00:03:51,666 --> 00:03:54,712
BUT I WOULDN'T
WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME.
75
00:04:33,142 --> 00:04:36,972
HEY, THERE.
I'M SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
76
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:41,063
THANK YOU.
77
00:04:42,717 --> 00:04:44,936
SEE YOU LATER THERE,
MR. CAB DRIVER.
78
00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:46,460
HEY, HOW ARE YA?
79
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:47,896
WELL, WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SEE
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00:04:47,939 --> 00:04:51,378
IS A FICTITIOUS, LOOSELY
THROWN TOGETHER STORY
81
00:04:51,421 --> 00:04:54,685
ABOUT A SEA CRUISE WAITER--
ME, RIGHT HERE--
82
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:57,471
WHO DREAMS OF BECOMING
A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
83
00:04:57,514 --> 00:05:00,125
THIS STORY IS BASED
ENTIRELY AROUND THE FACT
84
00:05:00,169 --> 00:05:02,824
THAT WE HAD ACCESS
TO THIS NICE BIG BOAT HERE
85
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,347
AND A LOT
OF GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN...
86
00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:06,523
I MEAN, REALLY
GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN...
87
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,351
BEAUTY PAGEANT GIRLS.
BEAUTIFUL.
88
00:05:08,395 --> 00:05:09,961
HI.
HOLA.
89
00:05:10,005 --> 00:05:12,007
HI.
HI.
90
00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,096
HELLO.
HELLO.
91
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:15,663
G'DAY.
92
00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:16,533
UNBELIEVABLE.
93
00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:19,536
BEAUTIFUL.
VERY CLEAN WOMEN.
94
00:05:19,580 --> 00:05:21,538
[HUMMING]
95
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:24,106
OH. OH, YEAH.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU
96
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:26,674
UM, THIS IS A NO,
UM, BUDGET FLICK,
97
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:29,067
NOT A LOW-BUDGET FLICK.
NO BUDGET.
98
00:05:29,111 --> 00:05:30,199
UM, JUST LIKE--
99
00:05:30,242 --> 00:05:32,375
THIS WOULD BE AN EARTHQUAKE
RIGHT HERE.
100
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,508
[RUMBLING]
101
00:05:36,161 --> 00:05:38,120
SEE, THAT DIDN'T COST US
ANYTHING RIGHT THERE.
102
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:41,558
NOW, ENJOY THE FLICK.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
103
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:07,758
Man: ALL ASHORE
THAT'S GOING ASHORE.
104
00:06:08,585 --> 00:06:11,849
OH. ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE ARE ON THE DECK
105
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:14,417
READY TO ROCK 'N' ROLL.
START THE PICTURE.
106
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,463
I'M HERE IN MY
WAITER SUIT RIGHT NOW,
107
00:06:16,506 --> 00:06:20,641
AND--OH, SHOOT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
108
00:06:22,512 --> 00:06:26,386
[HORN BLOWS]
109
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:36,134
AH HA HA. NOW
THAT'S BETTER, RIGHT HERE.
110
00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:40,878
HEY, WAITER.
WHERE'S MY BLOODY MARY?
111
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:41,749
AH, YES.
112
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:42,880
AND MAKE IT BLOODY.
113
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:43,925
AH. YES, SIR.
114
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,927
HEY, ASSHOLE.
115
00:06:50,061 --> 00:06:51,149
BRING ME ANOTHER ONE.
116
00:06:51,193 --> 00:06:54,414
AH. YES, MA'AM.
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00:07:30,058 --> 00:07:34,018
[MAN LAUGHING]
I'LL TELL YA,
118
00:07:34,062 --> 00:07:35,629
I JUST WENT OUT
WITH A GIRL LAST WEEK.
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00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,108
I WAS GOIN' CRAZY.
WE WERE DOIN' GOOD.
120
00:07:37,152 --> 00:07:39,241
SHE'S GOIN' CRAZY.
SHE'S BITIN' MY NIPPLES.
121
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:41,722
SHE'S PULLIN'
MY CHEST HAIR, RIGHT?
122
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:42,853
AW. CRAZY, RIGHT?
123
00:07:42,897 --> 00:07:44,768
FINALLY, I GO, "HEY.
THIS HAS GOTTA STOP.
124
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:46,204
I SAID, HEY, MOM."
125
00:07:46,248 --> 00:07:47,510
[WOMEN LAUGH]
126
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:48,511
Man: ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
127
00:07:48,555 --> 00:07:50,034
LEMME TELL YOU THIS ONE.
ALL RIGHT?
128
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:51,079
LAST WEDNESDAY, RIGHT?
129
00:07:51,122 --> 00:07:52,341
I'M OVER THIS GUY'S HOUSE,
RIGHT?
130
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,778
WE'RE PLAYING CHESS.
YOU KNOW, A GAME OF CHESS.
131
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:55,997
FINALLY, I SAYS, "HEY...
132
00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:57,215
THIS SHIT'S BORING
THE SHIT OUTTA ME," RIGHT?
133
00:07:57,259 --> 00:07:58,173
SO, I TOOK THE CHESS PIECE,
134
00:07:58,216 --> 00:07:59,827
AND I SHOVED IT
IN HIS EYE.
135
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:01,611
I SHOVED IT IN HIS EYE.
136
00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:04,614
AND I SAID, "THERE'S FUCKIN'
CHESS-EYE FOR YA."
137
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:06,224
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
138
00:08:06,268 --> 00:08:08,270
[MAN LAUGHS]
139
00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,271
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
140
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,272
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
141
00:08:10,315 --> 00:08:11,316
CHECK THIS OUT.
I WENT SWIMMING
142
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,579
ON A BOAT THE OTHER
MORNING, RIGHT?
143
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:14,972
AND I GO OUT SWIMMING,
AND MY DICK SHRIVELS UP.
144
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,670
JESUS CHRIST!
YOU KIDDING?
145
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,976
MY PUBLIC HAIR
HAD MY PENIS HOSTAGE!
146
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,543
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
[LAUGHS]
147
00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:23,677
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYIN', RIGHT?
148
00:08:33,077 --> 00:08:34,992
SCHECKY!
OH. HI, BOB.
149
00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:36,167
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
150
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:37,865
I'M JUST LISTENING
TO THAT GUY OVER THERE.
151
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,170
Bob: THE GUY
WITH THE GIRLS
152
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:40,084
DROOLING ALL OVER HIM?
153
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,825
Schecky: YEAH.
DICKIE DIAMOND.
154
00:08:41,869 --> 00:08:43,131
THAT'S THE SHIP
COMEDIAN.
155
00:08:43,174 --> 00:08:44,567
OH. I GUESS THAT MEANS
156
00:08:44,611 --> 00:08:45,568
YOU DIDN'T CONVINCE
THE CAPTAIN
157
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:47,004
TO HIRE YOU
AS SHIP COMEDIAN.
158
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,310
YEAH. YEAH.
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT
159
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:50,834
"GET OUTTA MY OFFICE
YOU NO TALENT LOSER" MEANT.
160
00:08:50,878 --> 00:08:52,270
NO. I DIDN'T GET THE JOB.
161
00:08:52,314 --> 00:08:53,576
TOUGH BREAK.
162
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:55,143
WELL, I'M FUNNIER THAN
THAT GUY, DON'T YOU THINK?
163
00:08:55,186 --> 00:08:57,711
I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T
HEARD HIM. WAIT.
164
00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:00,278
I GOT THIS CHICK, RIGHT?
SHE'S...GOT A SCISSOR--
165
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:02,106
LIKE A FUCKIN' WRESTLER
OR SOMETHING, RIGHT--
166
00:09:02,150 --> 00:09:04,195
SHE'S GOT A SCISSOR HOLD
ON MY NECK, RIGHT?
167
00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:05,849
I'M CHOKIN',
I'M FUCKIN' DYING.
168
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,285
FINALLY, I SAID,
"HEY, GRANDMA,
169
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:09,287
TAKE YOUR FUCKIN'
VARICOSE STICKS
170
00:09:09,331 --> 00:09:10,985
OFF MY NECK, WILL YA?
171
00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:13,640
[LAUGHS]
172
00:09:19,907 --> 00:09:21,909
OH. THAT GUY'S
PRETTY FUNNY, SCHECK.
173
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:24,259
OH, MAN. THE GUY'S
TALKING ABOUT INCEST.
174
00:09:24,302 --> 00:09:26,130
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
THE GUY NEEDS HELP.
175
00:09:26,174 --> 00:09:27,697
I COULD GET LAUGHS
WITH THAT.
176
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,960
THE GUY PROBABLY
FARTS ONSTAGE, TOO.
177
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:32,615
HEY. PULL MY FINGER.
PULL MY FINGER.
178
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:33,703
PFFT.
[LAUGHS]
179
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:36,140
[FARTING SOUNDS
AND LAUGHING]
180
00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:39,709
ALL MY LIFE, I JUST
WANTED TO GET ONSTAGE
181
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:40,841
AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH,
182
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:42,233
BUT NOBODY GIVES
ME A CHANCE AROUND HERE.
183
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:44,235
I'M FUNNY. I MEAN,
I JUST WANT THEM
184
00:09:44,279 --> 00:09:45,367
TO HEAR
WHAT I GOTTA SAY.
185
00:09:45,410 --> 00:09:46,760
I GOT CERTAIN THINGS
I WANNA TALK ABOUT.
186
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,631
MAYBE THEY'D BE INTERESTED
IN HEARING, YOU KNOW?
187
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:50,720
Man: WAITER GUY!
MY WIFE'S THROWIN' UP!
188
00:09:50,764 --> 00:09:53,331
QUICK. GET ME A TOWEL!
189
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:55,899
SORRY. I'M ON BREAK.
190
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:07,084
HEY! HEY! HOW ARE YA?
I DIDN'T SEE YA THERE.
191
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,913
UM, WELL, LET'S SEE.
WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE WERE WE?
192
00:10:09,957 --> 00:10:12,960
AFTER I FINISHED CLEANING UP
THAT LADY'S VOMIT,
193
00:10:13,003 --> 00:10:14,744
UM, I WORKED
A FEW MORE HOURS
194
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:16,006
AND THEN I TOOK
A LITTLE BREAK,
195
00:10:16,050 --> 00:10:17,878
AND DURING THAT BREAK
I WROTE A FEW NEW JOKES,
196
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:18,922
AND I THINK
THEY'RE PRETTY GOOD.
197
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:20,271
I'M VERY HAPPY
WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
198
00:10:20,315 --> 00:10:22,143
SEE, WHAT I'M GONNA DO,
I'M GONNA ASK
199
00:10:22,186 --> 00:10:24,014
THE BIG COMEDIAN,
DICKIE DIAMOND,
200
00:10:24,058 --> 00:10:25,146
IF I CAN OPEN UP FOR HIM--
201
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:26,190
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
202
00:10:26,234 --> 00:10:27,322
WHOA. WHAT, YOU HEAR THAT?
203
00:10:27,365 --> 00:10:29,759
I BET THAT'S
MY BEST FRIEND, BOB.
204
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:30,934
HEY, SCHECKY.
205
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:32,675
HEY.
WHO YOU TALKIN' TO?
206
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:34,895
I BEEN TALKIN' TO THAT
CAMERA RIGHT THERE.
207
00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:37,941
OH. SO, YOU READY
FOR WORK?
208
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:38,986
I AM READY FOR WORK,
209
00:10:39,029 --> 00:10:40,465
BUT I WAS WONDERIN'
BEFORE WE GO,
210
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,032
YOU THINK I COULD JUST
RUN A FEW THINGS BY YOU,
211
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:44,165
A FEW JOKES--JUST, LIKE,
A LITTLE IMPROVISATION?
212
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,167
YOU GIVE ME YOUR
HONEST OPINION, ALL RIGHT?
213
00:10:46,210 --> 00:10:47,385
NO PROBLEM.
WHOO-HOO.
214
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:48,256
I'M ALL AUDIENCE.
215
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,300
ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO, THEN.
216
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:50,693
ALL RIGHT. HEY.
217
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:52,695
HOW YOU GUYS DOIN'
OUT THERE TONIGHT?
218
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,088
FINE.
OH, HO, HO, HO.
219
00:10:54,131 --> 00:10:55,829
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PAL?
WHERE YOU FROM?
220
00:10:55,872 --> 00:10:56,960
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA.
221
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,788
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA?
WHOA!
222
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:00,137
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA.
BOB.
223
00:11:00,181 --> 00:11:02,487
[LAUGHS]
BOB FROM CALIFORNIA!
224
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,054
WHOO!
225
00:11:05,752 --> 00:11:06,666
Bob: YEAH.
226
00:11:06,709 --> 00:11:08,319
I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING FUNNY.
227
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:10,452
WAS THAT PART
OF YOUR ACT?
228
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:14,064
NO. I--JEEZ. I STINK AT THIS.
I'M NOT FUNNY.
229
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:16,719
NOT TRUE. I THINK
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
230
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,416
I THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
NATURALLY.
231
00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:19,896
AS SOON AS YOU
GET UP ONSTAGE,
232
00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:20,897
PEOPLE
ARE GONNA LAUGH.
233
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,943
ARE YOU EVER GONNA
GET ON A STAGE?
234
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,728
HOPEFULLY,
BECAUSE I'M GONNA ASK
235
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:26,947
MR. DICKIE DIAMOND
236
00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,426
IF I CAN OPEN UP FOR HIM
ONE OF THESE NIGHTS.
237
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,863
REALLY?
YEAH.
238
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,429
OH. WE BETTER
GET OUTTA HERE,
239
00:11:31,473 --> 00:11:33,170
'CAUSE DICKIE DIAMOND'S DOIN'
HIS AFTERNOON SET ON THE DECK.
240
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,868
SO, LET'S GO
AND CHECK THAT OUT.
241
00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:37,174
RIGHT.
[CLAPS]
242
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:39,873
I'LL TELL YOU. SOMETIMES,
IT GETS REALLY, REALLY HOT,
243
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,875
YOU KNOW, IN L.A. NOTHING
MOVES ON YOUR WHOLE BODY.
244
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:43,354
THE ONLY THING
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY MOVE
245
00:11:43,398 --> 00:11:45,182
IS YOUR MIDDLE FINGER.
THAT'S IT.
246
00:11:45,226 --> 00:11:46,880
[ALL LAUGH]
247
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:47,924
FUCK YOU!
THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO.
248
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,491
HEY, BUDDY. RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE.
249
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,972
I MEAN, I'M SORRY.
SOMETIMES, IT GETS SO HOT
250
00:11:52,015 --> 00:11:53,190
YOU'RE JUST DRIVIN'
IN YOUR CAR,
251
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,192
AND YOU'RE--YOU'RE
IN A HUMAN MICROWAVE NOW.
252
00:11:55,236 --> 00:11:56,280
YOU'RE IN YOUR CAR,
253
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:57,281
YOU'RE FLIPPIN' OFF
EVERYBODY, RIGHT?
254
00:11:57,325 --> 00:11:58,935
YOU'RE JUST
PISSED OFF, FLIPPIN'.
255
00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:00,328
IF THIS WAS A KNIFE,
I'D POKE YOU
256
00:12:00,371 --> 00:12:01,546
RIGHT IN THE EYE,
BUDDY, YOU KNOW?
257
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:03,461
I'M DRIVIN', I'M--
FINALLY, THAT'S IT.
258
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:04,724
I'M WAY TOO HOT NOW, RIGHT?
259
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:07,030
I SAID, "I'M GOIN'
TO GET SOMETHING TO DRINK."
260
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:08,031
I GO. I GET A 6-PACK.
261
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,293
I'M DRINKIN'.
I'M DRIVIN', RIGHT?
262
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,034
COP PULLS ME OVER.
HE SAYS, "ARE YOU DRINKIN'?"
263
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:12,949
OF COURSE,
I'M FUCKIN' DRINKIN'.
264
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:15,038
WHAT KIND OF QUESTION
IS THAT?
265
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:17,475
IT'S FUCKIN' HOT.
[LAUGHS]
266
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,216
HEY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
267
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:20,261
BUNNY MILLER.
268
00:12:20,304 --> 00:12:21,871
BUNNY MILLER.
IS THAT A JEWISH NAME?
269
00:12:21,915 --> 00:12:23,438
BOY. A NICE JEWISH NAME
LIKE THAT.
270
00:12:23,481 --> 00:12:25,396
SO, WHERE'D YOUR MOTHER
POP YOU OUT?
271
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,397
WHAT?
272
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:27,616
[LAUGHS]
273
00:12:27,659 --> 00:12:29,792
WHERE'D YOU BURST YOUR BAG,
BUNNY? COME ON.
274
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,533
I'M SORRY.
275
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,361
OH, YOU'RE SORRY.
BUNNY, COME ON,
276
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,929
IT'S NOT A FUCKING
GENIUS QUESTION HERE.
277
00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:37,321
[LAUGHS]
278
00:12:37,365 --> 00:12:39,106
[BUZZER SOUND] YOU LOSE, BUN.
GUESS WHAT? YOU LOSE.
279
00:12:39,149 --> 00:12:40,150
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
TO LOSERS?
280
00:12:40,194 --> 00:12:42,152
YOU GET YOUR BATHING SUIT
RIPPED OFF
281
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:45,416
AND SHOVED UP YOUR ASS.
[LAUGHS]
282
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,592
HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
283
00:12:47,636 --> 00:12:49,159
LEAVE THE GIRL ALONE
284
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:50,334
AND STICK
TO YOUR COMEDY?
285
00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:53,120
OH-OH. MR. HECKLER.
MR. BIG MAN FROM HELL.
286
00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:54,469
THE HELL HECKLER
IS HERE, FOLKS.
287
00:12:54,512 --> 00:12:57,167
OH, MY GOD. LOOK.
HE'S SO BIG.
288
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:58,473
ALL I'M SAYIN'
289
00:12:58,516 --> 00:13:01,084
IS WHY DON'T YOU
JUST LAY OFF THE GIRL?
290
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,607
LAY THE GIRL?
THAT'S A SICK THING, MAN.
291
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:04,131
THAT'S A SICK THING.
RIGHT IN FRONT
292
00:13:04,174 --> 00:13:05,480
OF ALL THESE PEOPLE
TO LAY THE GIRL?
293
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:06,829
THAT'S REALLY A SICK THING.
294
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,396
[LAUGHS]
OK, FINE.
295
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:11,138
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE
TO SHOOT YOU.
296
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:12,400
[LAUGHS]
297
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:14,054
OH. OH.
298
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:15,098
[APPLAUSE]
299
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:18,362
[HUMMING]
300
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,582
I TELL YOU.
THERE'S NOTHING HEAVIER
301
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:22,323
THAN A DEAD COMEDIAN.
302
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:23,454
[ALL LAUGH]
303
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:24,368
Schecky: THANK YOU.
304
00:13:24,412 --> 00:13:26,066
UM, I WAS TALKING
TO MY FATHER
305
00:13:26,109 --> 00:13:27,023
THE OTHER DAY
ON THE PHONE,
306
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,329
AND HE SAID TO ME,
"SCHECKY"--
307
00:13:28,372 --> 00:13:30,070
UM, HE CALLS ME "SCHECKY"
'CAUSE THAT'S MY NAME,
308
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:32,289
AND I DON'T ANSWER
TO "BOB" MUCH. BAA.
309
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,290
HE SAID, "UH, SCHECKY,
310
00:13:33,334 --> 00:13:34,335
"I WANT YOU TO MARRY A GIRL
311
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:35,423
WITH THE SAME BELIEF
AS THE FAMILY,"
312
00:13:35,466 --> 00:13:36,424
AND I WAS KINDA, LIKE,
313
00:13:36,467 --> 00:13:37,904
"UH, DAD, WHY SHOULD
I MARRY A GIRL
314
00:13:37,947 --> 00:13:39,035
WHO THINKS I'M A SHMUCK?"
315
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,124
HUH? HEY. THANK YOU.
316
00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:42,256
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
317
00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:43,953
ALL RIGHT. WELL,
MY NAME IS, UH, SCHECKY,
318
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:45,607
AND MY FATHER'S NAME
IS SCHECKY, ALSO.
319
00:13:45,650 --> 00:13:47,000
HAVING A NAME
AS YOUR FATHER,
320
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,176
THE SAME NAME, THAT'S--
THAT'S VERY WEIRD, YOU KNOW?
321
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:50,873
IT WAS ALL RIGHT
TILL MY VOICE CHANGED.
322
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,005
MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL UP
AND SAY,
323
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:53,093
"HI. IS SCHECKY THERE?"
324
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,137
MY FATHER WOULD SAY,
"THIS IS SCHECKY."
325
00:13:54,181 --> 00:13:55,269
MY FRIENDS WOULD SAY,
"HEY, SCHECKY.
326
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,227
YOU WERE
SO WASTED LAST NIGHT."
327
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:59,839
[LAUGHS]
328
00:14:01,623 --> 00:14:06,367
[LAUGHS]
329
00:14:12,025 --> 00:14:12,982
ALL RIGHT. NOW, LOOK.
330
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,070
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
331
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:15,158
ON YOUR LAST TOUR,
332
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:16,203
WE SOLD AT LEAST
A MILLION
333
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:18,335
CROAKER T-SHIRTS--
A MILLION OF 'EM.
334
00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:19,380
SO WE DID 100,000
335
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:21,904
ON THE CROAKER
SPIKED ARM BRACELETS,
336
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,384
BUT I STILL THINK
IT WOULD BE
337
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:25,473
IN YOUR BEST INTEREST
TO APPROVE--
338
00:14:25,516 --> 00:14:28,302
APPROVE THE--THE--
THE ACTION DOLL
339
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:29,346
FOR YOUR
YOUNGER AUDIENCE,
340
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,566
FOR THE 9-YEAR-OLDS,
THE 10-YEAR-OLDS
341
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:32,610
AND--AND SUCH FORTH.
342
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:33,611
YEAH, BUT I DON'T WANT
343
00:14:33,655 --> 00:14:35,178
TO BE NO FUCKIN'
BARBIE DOLL, MORT.
344
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:36,310
THAT CAN'T BE GOOD
FOR MY IMAGE, MAN.
345
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,920
NO. CROAKIE, COME ON.
LISTEN TO ME, MAN.
346
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,401
LISTEN TO ME, BABY.
YOU LISTENING?
347
00:14:40,444 --> 00:14:41,315
I'M LISTENIN'.
348
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:42,707
OK, 'CAUSE
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE
349
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:43,926
YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME.
350
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,058
WHAT DO I GOTTA DO?
351
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,363
SHOVE MY FUCKIN' EAR
AGAINST YOUR MOUTH?
352
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:49,279
ALL RIGHT, CROAKIE.
JUST LISTEN TO ME.
353
00:14:49,323 --> 00:14:50,367
WE NEED THE DOLL.
354
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:53,066
LAST APRIL,
YOU TRASHED 4 PORSCHES
355
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,241
AND ONE HARLEY DAVIDSON.
356
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,678
THE HOTEL THAT YOU
BURNED DOWN IS SUING US.
357
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:59,463
THEY'RE SUING US.
WE NEED THE DOLL.
358
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:00,377
WE NEED IT.
359
00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,379
WHY NOT A POSTER?
360
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:04,468
WHY NOT A LUNCHBOX
OR SOMETHIN'?
361
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,209
WHY DOES IT HAVE
TO BE A BARBIE?
362
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,515
IT'S NOT
A BARBIE DOLL...
363
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:10,387
IT'S A FUCKING
ACTION FIGURE, CROAKER!
364
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,388
AN ACTION FIGURE!
365
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:13,564
IT'S LIKE A--
LIKE A RAMBO DOLL
366
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:15,044
OR LIKE ONE
OF THOSE, UM...
367
00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:16,698
THOSE--THOSE
TRANSFORMER THINGS
368
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:17,568
YOU'RE SO NUTS ABOUT.
369
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,048
IT'S--IT'S
AN ACTION FIGURE.
370
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:24,271
IT'S MACHO. IT'S MACHO,
CROAKIE, MACHO.
371
00:15:25,054 --> 00:15:26,447
CROAKER,
I TALKED TO SAUL.
372
00:15:26,490 --> 00:15:31,365
SAUL SAYS WE CAN MAKE
40 MILLION OFF OF IT.
373
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:32,366
40 MILLION?
374
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,020
40 MILLION.
375
00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,282
4-D MILLION?
376
00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:37,066
40 MILLION.
377
00:15:41,244 --> 00:15:42,593
ACTION FIGURE, HUH?
378
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:45,074
YEAH.
379
00:15:45,118 --> 00:15:47,076
THAT'S COOL, MAN.
THAT'S COOL...
380
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:50,123
BUT MAKE SURE
IT AIN'T SMILIN'.
381
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,777
YES! ALL RIGHT NOW,
WAITER!
382
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,257
AH. YOU SEE,
THESE GUYS
383
00:15:54,301 --> 00:15:55,998
HAVE NOTHIN' TO DO
WITH THIS FLICK,
384
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:56,868
BUT WE THREW 'EM IN
385
00:15:56,912 --> 00:15:57,782
JUST FOR
A LITTLE VARIETY...
386
00:15:57,826 --> 00:15:59,262
WHATEVER
THAT MEANS, HUH?
387
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,437
MAY I HELP YOU GUYS?
388
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:02,222
YEAH. DRINKS
ALL AROUND, MAN.
389
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,311
BAMBI, WHAT CAN I GET
FOR YOU TO DRINK?
390
00:16:04,354 --> 00:16:07,531
UM, ACTUALLY, I HAVE
AN AEROBICS CLASS,
391
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:11,361
SO, UM, I'M GONNA
TAKE A RAIN MAN ON THAT.
392
00:16:11,405 --> 00:16:14,321
OH, GOD! I MEAN,
A RAIN CHECK.
393
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:17,498
NO PROBLEM, BABE.
394
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,639
MAN, OH, MAN.
395
00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:31,164
I NEVER GET SICK
OF THAT, MAN.
396
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:32,426
CAN I, UH,
GET YOU A DRINK?
397
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:35,342
YEAH. GET ME ONE OF THEM,
UH, TROPICAL DRINKS
398
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:38,171
WITH, LIKE, UH,
LEVELS TO THEM
399
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,434
AND AN UMBRELLA
AND FRUIT.
400
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:42,566
OH. WELL, UM,
THEY COME IN 2 FLAVORS.
401
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:45,047
YOU CAN HAVE 'EM
GREEN OR BLACK.
402
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,309
BLACK.
403
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,137
AND CAN
I GET YOU ONE?
404
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:49,095
HUH?
405
00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:49,965
A DRINK?
406
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,140
YEAH--YEAH.
WHAT--WHATEVER.
407
00:16:51,184 --> 00:16:52,837
SAY, YOU KNOW,
I USED TO WORK
408
00:16:52,881 --> 00:16:54,404
UH, AS A WAITER ONCE...
409
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:56,624
BACK BEFORE I WAS
A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE.
410
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,365
Mort: MILLIONAIRE,
CROAKER.
411
00:16:58,408 --> 00:16:59,496
MILLIONAIRE, BABY.
412
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:00,715
MILLIONAIRE.
413
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,195
IT WAS AT ONE OF THESE
RIB RESTAURANTS, MAN,
414
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:06,460
AND, UH, I--IT WAS,
LIKE, I'D HAVE TO TOUCH
415
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:09,202
ALL THESE PEOPLE'S
CHEWED UP FOOD,
416
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:12,509
AND IT WOULD GET STUCK
UNDERNEATH MY FINGERNAILS, MAN,
417
00:17:12,553 --> 00:17:15,208
AND IT WOULD JUST
SIT THERE FOR DAYS
418
00:17:15,251 --> 00:17:17,079
AND IT WOULD STINK.
419
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,168
I HATED THAT JOB, MAN.
420
00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:21,127
Both: EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
421
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:22,867
CAN WE PLEASE HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
422
00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:23,694
PLEASE?
423
00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:26,523
ALL RIGHT!
YO! CHICKS, MAN.
424
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:30,701
MMM. I'LL SIGN AUTOGRAPHS
FOR YOU BITCHES, MAN.
425
00:17:30,745 --> 00:17:32,790
JUST SAY, "TO PAMMY AND LIZ,
426
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,706
YOU WERE GREAT LAST NIGHT.
LOVE, CROAKER."
427
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,665
ALL RIGHT!
428
00:17:39,406 --> 00:17:40,885
HEY, MORT. MORT.
HOW DO YOU SPELL--
429
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,844
HOW DO YOU SPELL
"GREAT," MAN?
430
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:46,717
G-R-E-A-T.
431
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:49,677
ALL RIGHT.
432
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,288
THANK YOU.
433
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,551
YOU, UH--YOU IN A BAND
OR SOMETHIN'?
434
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:58,251
YEAH, MAN. I'M THE LEAD
SINGER FOR YELLOW TEETH.
435
00:17:58,294 --> 00:18:00,644
WE HAD THE NUMBER ONE
SONG LAST WEEK,
436
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:02,603
I WANNA SLAP YOUR CAT.
437
00:18:02,646 --> 00:18:05,345
♪ I WANNA
SLAP YOUR CAT ♪
438
00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:08,435
♪ THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT
439
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,524
I'LL GO GET YOU
THAT DRINK, ALL RIGHT?
440
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:11,829
ALL RIGHT.
OK.
441
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,701
WHOA. THAT GUY'S PUNKED
IN THE HEAD RIGHT THERE.
442
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:15,137
I--I JUST
DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
443
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,139
WHY DO SLEAZY GUYS
LIKE THAT GET CHICKS?
444
00:18:17,183 --> 00:18:19,141
JUST 'CAUSE THEY GET
MILLIONS AND MILLIONS
445
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:22,275
OF DOLLARS?
IT MAKES ME SICK.
446
00:18:22,666 --> 00:18:25,843
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS...
447
00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:28,759
ACTUALLY, I WOULD
TAKE A HUNDRED AND BURY IT
448
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:31,588
AND HOPEFULLY,
SOMEBODY POOR WOULD FIND IT.
449
00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:34,156
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS...
450
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,767
I WOULD BUY
ANOTHER FUR COAT.
451
00:18:36,811 --> 00:18:38,465
SPEND IT ON CLOTHES.
452
00:18:38,508 --> 00:18:40,641
PUT IT IN THE BANK
AND THINK ABOUT IT.
453
00:18:40,684 --> 00:18:42,164
I'D PUT IT IN THE BANK.
454
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:43,383
IF I HAD
A MILLION DOLLARS,
455
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:46,429
THE FIRST THING I'D BUY
WOULD BE A MERCEDES.
456
00:18:46,473 --> 00:18:47,909
I WOULD BUY OUT CLEARASIL
457
00:18:47,952 --> 00:18:49,432
SO I COULD POP
EVERYBODY'S PIMPLES
458
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:52,609
BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T
BE ABLE TO GET RID OF THEM.
459
00:18:52,653 --> 00:18:54,437
MMM. PUS.
460
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:57,527
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
461
00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,964
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
462
00:19:00,008 --> 00:19:03,229
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
463
00:19:03,272 --> 00:19:06,188
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND THE WORLDIE ♪
464
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:07,668
♪ I'M 'AVE ONE UP HERE,
ONE DUNG THERE ♪
465
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:09,365
♪ ONE IN HANOVER,
ONE DUNG A VERE ♪
466
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:10,671
♪ ONE'S YOUR LAWYER,
ONE'S YOUR DOCTOR ♪
467
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,281
♪ ONE WHA' DEY WORK
WITH A LITTLE CONTRACTOR ♪
468
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:13,456
♪ ONE DUNG A EAST,
ONE DUNG A WEST ♪
469
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:15,197
♪ ONE UP NORTH
AND 2 DUNG A-SOUTH ♪
470
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:17,895
♪ ONE A GO A SCHOOL
AND ONE FOOL-FOOL ♪
471
00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:20,376
♪ YOU'RE TOO
GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
472
00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,639
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND DE WORLDIE ♪
473
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,947
♪ YOUNG MAN,
YOU TOO GIRLIE GIRLIE ♪
474
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:29,255
♪ YOU JUS' A FLASH IT
ROUND THE WORLDIE ♪
475
00:19:29,298 --> 00:19:31,735
♪ A BIG FAT ONE
WHO'S A GO-GO DANCER ♪
476
00:19:31,779 --> 00:19:34,956
♪ A LITTLE SLIM ONE
WHO'S A RADIO ANNOUNCER ♪
477
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,393
♪ ONE ITEY-TITEY
ONE FIGHTIE-FIGHTIE ♪
478
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:40,831
♪ AND BEFORE I'M GROW OLD,
I'M WANT ONE IN NORTH POLE ♪
479
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,268
♪ ONE INA LONDON,
ONE INA JAPAN ♪
480
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:43,834
♪ ONE INA SCOTLAND,
ONE INA FINLAND ♪
481
00:19:43,878 --> 00:19:45,009
♪ ONE INA TAIWAN,
ONE INA IOWA ♪
482
00:19:45,053 --> 00:19:46,837
♪ AN' ONE INA GREENLAND
ONE INA ICELAND ♪
483
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:49,536
♪ ONE INA CANADA,
ONE UGANDA ♪
484
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:50,841
HEY, THERE. HI.
485
00:19:50,885 --> 00:19:52,974
UM, WELL, I GOT OFF WORK
A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT,
486
00:19:53,017 --> 00:19:54,671
SO, I FIGURED
I'D HANG OUT AT THE BAR
487
00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:55,933
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND
BOB, HERE.
488
00:19:55,977 --> 00:19:57,805
UM, WHAT THESE GUYS
ARE DOIN' HERE,
489
00:19:57,848 --> 00:19:59,154
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA,
490
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,938
BUT I--I REALLY CAN'T KNOW
EVERYTHING, NOW, CAN I?
491
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:02,026
I JUST FINISHED UP
492
00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,985
TELLIN' BOB THIS JOKE
ABOUT A FARMER.
493
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,683
LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS
TO IT, ALL RIGHT?
494
00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:07,902
I DON'T GET IT, SCHECKY.
495
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:11,558
I--THE FARMER WEARS
THE CONDOM FOR 8 YEARS.
496
00:20:11,601 --> 00:20:12,646
EXPLAIN IT TO ME.
497
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,865
[CLEARS THROAT]
I DON'T KNOW,
498
00:20:14,909 --> 00:20:16,432
AND I CAN'T
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
499
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:17,433
I GUESS I MUST HAVE
500
00:20:17,477 --> 00:20:18,695
TOLD THE JOKE WRONG
OR SOMETHING.
501
00:20:18,739 --> 00:20:19,392
AH.
502
00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:20,958
HA HA.
I GOT IT, MAN.
503
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:23,613
I THOUGHT THAT JOKE
WAS REALLY FUNNY.
504
00:20:23,657 --> 00:20:24,484
REALLY?
505
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:27,313
YEAH.
[LAUGHS]
506
00:20:27,356 --> 00:20:28,705
HEY. DID I EVER
TELL YOU
507
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,968
THAT I USED
TO BE A WAITER ONCE?
508
00:20:31,012 --> 00:20:32,100
YOU WERE?
509
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:34,755
YEAH. IT WAS AT
THIS RESTAURANT, MAN...
510
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,409
AND I HATED
THAT JOB, MAN,
511
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:38,933
BECAUSE I HAD TO TOUCH
ALL THESE PEOPLE'S
512
00:20:38,976 --> 00:20:40,500
CHEWED UP FOOD.
513
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:42,023
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I WOULD DO?
514
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:42,893
WHAT?
515
00:20:42,937 --> 00:20:44,417
I WOULD GO
INTO THE BATHROOM
516
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:45,983
DURING MY SHIFT,
517
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,290
AND I'D DO A NUMBER 2...
518
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:49,291
YEAH?
519
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:54,078
AND I WOULDN'T
WASH MY HANDS, MAN.
520
00:20:54,122 --> 00:20:55,819
[LAUGHS]
521
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:57,691
I THINK
THAT'S ILLEGAL, MAN.
522
00:20:57,734 --> 00:21:01,695
[LAUGHS]
523
00:21:01,738 --> 00:21:03,566
HI, CROAKER.
524
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,525
HEY, BABE.
525
00:21:05,568 --> 00:21:07,657
HEY. WHO'S
THE OTHER BABE?
526
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:09,050
THIS IS MY FRIEND,
BLUEBELL
527
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,400
I BROUGHT ALONG
FOR YOUR FRIEND, MORT,
528
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:12,575
LIKE YOU TOLD ME TO.
529
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:13,315
ALL RIGHT.
530
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:14,751
JESUS CHRIST,
CROAKIE.
531
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:17,363
WHAT ARE YOU--YOU--
YOU PAYING CHICKS
532
00:21:17,406 --> 00:21:18,189
TO BE WITH ME AGAIN?
533
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:19,321
IS THAT
WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'?
534
00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:20,322
YOU THINK
I DON'T KNOW
535
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:21,454
THAT YOU PAY 'EM
TO SLEEP WITH ME?
536
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:23,412
I'M NOT PAYIN'
ANYBODY, MAN.
537
00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:25,066
SHE WANTS YOU.
CHECK IT OUT.
538
00:21:25,109 --> 00:21:28,069
OK. THIS IS THE GUY
I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH...
539
00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:30,637
TO GET TO CROAKER?
540
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:31,551
UNH.
541
00:21:31,594 --> 00:21:35,076
OK. COME ON.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
542
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,339
WELL, THIS IS GREAT.
543
00:21:37,383 --> 00:21:38,775
THIS IS GREAT.
544
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:42,431
ROCK ON, MAN.
ROCK 'N' ROLL.
545
00:21:42,475 --> 00:21:45,129
[LAUGHS]
546
00:21:45,173 --> 00:21:47,828
HEY, HEY.
HEY, IS SOMETHIN' WRONG?
547
00:21:47,871 --> 00:21:49,046
AH. NO.
548
00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,005
AH. COME ON.
549
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:52,702
AH. WELL, YEAH.
550
00:21:52,746 --> 00:21:54,965
WELL, SOMETHIN'
A LITTLE, I GUESS.
551
00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:56,053
UM...
552
00:21:56,097 --> 00:21:58,099
WOMEN DON'T LIKE ME,
AND I'M NOT FUNNY.
553
00:21:58,142 --> 00:22:01,624
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE VERY FUNNY.
554
00:22:01,668 --> 00:22:04,148
WELL, YEAH, MAYBE.
I'M--I'M DEFINITELY
555
00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:06,412
STILL GONNA ASK
DICKIE DIAMOND
556
00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:09,023
IF I CAN OPEN UP
FOR HIM.
557
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:13,549
BOB?
558
00:22:13,593 --> 00:22:14,376
YEAH?
559
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,986
AM I AT ALL
GOOD-LOOKING?
560
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:18,424
YEAH. YEAH.
YOU LOOK FINE.
561
00:22:18,467 --> 00:22:19,425
WELL, SERIOUSLY,
I MEAN,
562
00:22:19,468 --> 00:22:20,817
WHO DO YOU THINK
IS BETTER LOOKING,
563
00:22:20,861 --> 00:22:21,862
ME OR YOU?
564
00:22:21,905 --> 00:22:22,776
[LAUGHS]
565
00:22:22,819 --> 00:22:25,648
WELL, THAT'S EASY.
I MEAN, ME.
566
00:22:27,607 --> 00:22:29,043
[SIGHS]
567
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,700
I'VE BEEN WATCHING
YOU, WAITER BOY.
568
00:22:33,743 --> 00:22:36,093
YOUR NAME IS BOB,
ISN'T IT?
569
00:22:36,137 --> 00:22:38,531
YES, IT IS.
IT'S BOB.
570
00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:41,403
I THINK WE SHOULD GO
LOOK AT THE MOON TOGETHER,
571
00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:42,752
DON'T YOU?
572
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:43,971
YES, I DO.
573
00:22:44,014 --> 00:22:48,497
I THINK THAT'S A VERY,
VERY, VERY GOOD IDEA.
574
00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:50,543
SEE YA LATER, SCHECKY.
575
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:04,992
UH, HI.
576
00:23:05,035 --> 00:23:07,734
WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
577
00:23:07,777 --> 00:23:09,431
I JUST MEAN "HI".
578
00:23:09,475 --> 00:23:10,693
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
579
00:23:10,737 --> 00:23:12,521
CAN'T A GIRL
COME INTO A BAR
580
00:23:12,565 --> 00:23:13,696
AND HAVE SOME PEACE?
581
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:16,699
OH. ALL I SAID WAS "HI".
582
00:23:16,743 --> 00:23:17,657
[SIGHS]
583
00:23:17,700 --> 00:23:20,921
YEAH? WELL, FUCK YOU.
584
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:33,107
HEY, BEERTENDER.
GIMME A BREW, WILL YA?
585
00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:36,502
[FARTS]
586
00:23:37,067 --> 00:23:39,809
HEY. YOU'RE--YOU'RE
DICKIE DIAMOND.
587
00:23:39,853 --> 00:23:42,246
YOU'RE THE SHIP
COMEDIAN.
588
00:23:42,290 --> 00:23:46,773
YEAH. THAT'S ME.
DICKIE DIAMOND.
589
00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,863
HEY, MAN. I KNOW
WHO YOU ARE.
590
00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:51,604
YOU'RE THAT PSYCHO WAITER
591
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:53,910
THAT KEEPS WATCHING ME
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
592
00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:55,869
OH, YEAH.
I AM A WAITER HERE,
593
00:23:55,912 --> 00:23:57,566
BUT, UM, ACTUALLY, UM,
594
00:23:57,610 --> 00:23:59,481
I'M A STAND-UP
COMEDIAN, TOO.
595
00:23:59,525 --> 00:24:00,613
I DO STAND-UP. YEAH.
596
00:24:00,656 --> 00:24:02,484
I'M JUST BEING
A WAITER HERE UNTIL I--
597
00:24:02,528 --> 00:24:04,921
I'M NOT GETTIN'
STAGE TIME QUITE YET.
598
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:06,009
THAT'S GREAT, KID.
599
00:24:06,053 --> 00:24:07,271
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TELLIN' ME FOR?
600
00:24:07,315 --> 00:24:10,710
WELL, I WAS
JUST WONDERIN'...
601
00:24:10,753 --> 00:24:14,757
MAYBE, UM, I COULD
OPEN UP FOR YOU
602
00:24:14,801 --> 00:24:16,063
JUST ONE NIGHT HERE.
603
00:24:16,106 --> 00:24:19,588
[LAUGHS]
604
00:24:19,632 --> 00:24:22,504
OPEN UP
FOR DICKIE DIAMOND, HUH?
605
00:24:22,548 --> 00:24:23,592
[LAUGHS]
606
00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:24,811
KID, WHAT DO YOU
THINK THIS IS?
607
00:24:24,854 --> 00:24:26,856
THE FUCKING TONIGHT SHOW?
IT'S A BOAT.
608
00:24:26,900 --> 00:24:28,641
YEAH. I KNOW.
I KNOW THAT.
609
00:24:28,684 --> 00:24:29,729
I WAS JUST
WONDERING--
610
00:24:29,772 --> 00:24:31,295
WELL, ALL I'M SAYING
IS MAYBE I COULD--
611
00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:32,993
LET ME--LET ME
JUST, UH, TELL YOU
612
00:24:33,036 --> 00:24:33,950
A FEW OF MY JOKES.
613
00:24:33,994 --> 00:24:35,169
I'LL TELL YOU
A FEW OF MY JOKES.
614
00:24:35,212 --> 00:24:36,779
MAYBE--I
DON'T KNOW--LISTEN.
615
00:24:36,823 --> 00:24:38,085
UM, ALL RIGHT.
616
00:24:38,128 --> 00:24:40,000
THERE'S THIS
FAT OLD LADY,
617
00:24:40,043 --> 00:24:41,697
AND SHE WALKS
INTO THIS BAR,
618
00:24:41,741 --> 00:24:43,743
AND SHE'S COUGHING.
[COUGHS]
619
00:24:43,786 --> 00:24:44,918
SHE'S REALLY
COUGHING LOUD,
620
00:24:44,961 --> 00:24:45,875
AND SHE DOESN'T--
621
00:24:45,919 --> 00:24:47,311
WHOA. WHOA. WHOA, KID.
YOU KNOW,
622
00:24:47,355 --> 00:24:48,617
YOU'RE PROBABLY A REALLY,
REALLY FUNNY GUY, YOU KNOW?
623
00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,532
I CAN TELL JUST BY THE WAY
YOU'RE TELLING IT
624
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,012
YOU PROBABLY ARE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
625
00:24:52,055 --> 00:24:53,753
I JUST CAME DOWN HERE
TO WAIT FOR MY GIRLFRIEND,
626
00:24:53,796 --> 00:24:55,189
TO HAVE A BEER,
RELAX A LITTLE BIT,
627
00:24:55,232 --> 00:24:57,060
NOT SIT AT THE BAR
AND HEAR SOME DUMB ASS COMIC
628
00:24:57,104 --> 00:24:59,323
TELL ME SOME STUPID,
FUCKING JOKES, ALL RIGHT?
629
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:01,238
OH, MAN. I WASN'T
TRYING TO--
630
00:25:01,282 --> 00:25:02,196
UH, I KNOW THAT--
631
00:25:02,239 --> 00:25:03,327
I JUST WAS WONDERING
IF I COULD--
632
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,155
ALL I'M ASKING FOR
IS MAYBE I COULD GO UP
633
00:25:05,199 --> 00:25:07,157
ONE NIGHT, YOU KNOW?
YOU'RE--YOU'RE--
634
00:25:07,201 --> 00:25:08,811
JUST GO UP
AND OPEN UP FOR YOU.
635
00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:09,682
IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
636
00:25:09,725 --> 00:25:10,944
LISTEN, KID,
I--I DON'T CARE.
637
00:25:10,987 --> 00:25:12,902
I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING. YOU GET THAT?
638
00:25:12,946 --> 00:25:15,992
I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK
639
00:25:16,036 --> 00:25:18,255
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
ALL RIGHT? GREAT.
640
00:25:18,299 --> 00:25:19,866
YEAH. YEAH. I KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN'.
641
00:25:19,909 --> 00:25:21,737
I--I'M SORRY
IF I'M BUGGIN' YOU,
642
00:25:21,781 --> 00:25:23,130
BUT ALL I WANTED TO DO--
643
00:25:23,173 --> 00:25:24,348
I MEAN, I WORK
ON THE SHIP, TOO.
644
00:25:24,392 --> 00:25:26,568
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU
COULD JUST LET ME
645
00:25:26,612 --> 00:25:27,656
GO UP FOR A FEW MINUTES.
646
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:29,310
KID, I DON'T CARE.
647
00:25:29,353 --> 00:25:31,834
I'M NOT TRYIN'
TO ASK ANYTHING
648
00:25:31,878 --> 00:25:33,227
THAT BIG OF A DEAL.
649
00:25:33,270 --> 00:25:34,141
ALL I WANT TO DO
650
00:25:34,184 --> 00:25:35,577
IS JUST MAYBE
OPEN UP FOR YOU.
651
00:25:35,621 --> 00:25:36,970
I MEAN, I'M NOT--
652
00:25:37,013 --> 00:25:39,755
I DON'T CARE!
653
00:25:42,802 --> 00:25:43,672
HEY.
654
00:25:43,716 --> 00:25:44,934
HI, DICKIE.
655
00:25:44,978 --> 00:25:45,892
WHERE WERE YOU, BABY?
656
00:25:45,935 --> 00:25:47,850
IN THE BATHROOM,
THINKING OF YOU.
657
00:25:47,894 --> 00:25:49,069
OH, THAT'S CUTE.
COME ON.
658
00:25:49,112 --> 00:25:50,940
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
MR. GIGGLES A LITTLE KISS?
659
00:25:50,984 --> 00:25:52,725
NOT IN FRONT
OF THAT PERVERT.
660
00:25:52,768 --> 00:25:54,248
DID THIS GUY
SAY SOMETHING TO YOU?
661
00:25:54,291 --> 00:25:57,730
NAH. HE JUST TRIED
TO PICK UP ON ME BIG TIME.
662
00:25:57,773 --> 00:25:58,861
STAND BACK.
663
00:25:58,905 --> 00:26:00,863
DID YOU SAY SOMETHING
TO MY GIRLFRIEND?
664
00:26:00,907 --> 00:26:01,995
NO, MAN. I--
665
00:26:02,038 --> 00:26:03,213
I THINK YOU DID, MAN.
666
00:26:03,257 --> 00:26:04,345
OOF!
667
00:26:04,388 --> 00:26:07,740
THERE'S YOUR PUNCH LINE,
YOU STUPID FUCK.
668
00:26:13,659 --> 00:26:15,617
OH, MAN.
669
00:26:16,313 --> 00:26:19,839
THAT GUY IS UN-COOL.
670
00:26:19,882 --> 00:26:22,668
YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY...
671
00:26:22,711 --> 00:26:24,278
BEHIND THE MASK
OF A CLOWN
672
00:26:24,321 --> 00:26:27,586
LIES A TRAIL
OF TEARS.
673
00:26:29,196 --> 00:26:34,114
WOW. MY JAW IS KILLIN' ME.
674
00:26:34,157 --> 00:26:35,637
SCHECKY...
675
00:26:35,681 --> 00:26:36,812
WHY DON'T
YOU JUST GO HOME
676
00:26:36,856 --> 00:26:37,813
AND GO TO BED?
677
00:26:37,857 --> 00:26:40,642
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL JUST GO HOME
678
00:26:40,686 --> 00:26:44,951
AND GO TO BED ALONE.
AGAIN.
679
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:20,116
I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP.
I'M TOO DEPRESSED.
680
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:24,468
I WONDER WHERE
I'LL BE IN, LIKE,
681
00:27:24,512 --> 00:27:26,166
IN, LIKE, 10 YEARS.
682
00:27:26,209 --> 00:27:27,515
IN 10 YEARS FROM NOW,
683
00:27:27,558 --> 00:27:30,431
I WILL BE A TV BROADCASTER
ON A TELEVISION STATION.
684
00:27:30,474 --> 00:27:33,695
I WILL BE MARRIED
AND HAVE 2 CHILDREN.
685
00:27:33,739 --> 00:27:35,958
I HOPE TO BE
FIRMLY ESTABLISHED
686
00:27:36,002 --> 00:27:37,003
IN MY CAREER,
687
00:27:37,046 --> 00:27:40,136
POSSIBLY MARRIED
AND WITH 2 CHILDREN.
688
00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:42,051
SEVERAL CHILDREN
WOULD BE NICE
689
00:27:42,095 --> 00:27:43,400
AND JUST A HAPPY
HOME LIFE.
690
00:27:43,444 --> 00:27:46,708
I'LL PROBABLY BE
A BAGEL VENDOR
691
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:47,578
OR SOMETHING.
692
00:27:47,622 --> 00:27:49,755
I KNOW WHAT WILL
CHEER ME UP!
693
00:27:49,798 --> 00:27:50,930
MEDITATION!
694
00:27:50,973 --> 00:27:55,369
I'LL JUST GO MEDITATE
UNTIL THE SUN RISES.
695
00:27:56,370 --> 00:28:02,202
OHM. OHM.
696
00:28:02,245 --> 00:28:05,335
OHM.
697
00:28:05,379 --> 00:28:08,774
OHM.
698
00:28:10,384 --> 00:28:13,300
AW, MAN!
I CAN'T GET WOMEN.
699
00:28:13,343 --> 00:28:14,997
I CAN'T GET LAUGHS.
700
00:28:15,041 --> 00:28:16,825
I'M NOT EVEN
A GOOD WAITER.
701
00:28:16,869 --> 00:28:18,914
THIS SUCKS.
I'M SO DEPRESSED.
702
00:28:18,958 --> 00:28:22,004
I THINK I'M GOING
TO JUST ESCAPE REALITY
703
00:28:22,048 --> 00:28:24,920
RIGHT NOW AND GO TO SLEEP.
704
00:28:30,143 --> 00:28:32,928
[SNICKERING]
705
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,760
SCHECKY,
OR SHOULD I SAY, PORKY?
706
00:28:38,804 --> 00:28:39,892
[RIM SHOT]
707
00:28:39,935 --> 00:28:41,110
[LAUGHING]
708
00:28:41,154 --> 00:28:43,460
AW, SCHECK, YOU GOT
AN APPLE IN YOUR MOUTH.
709
00:28:43,504 --> 00:28:46,899
WHERE'S WILLIAM TELL
WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
710
00:28:47,247 --> 00:28:48,291
LOOK AT YOU.
711
00:28:48,335 --> 00:28:49,815
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
YOUR SISTER, A PIG.
712
00:28:49,858 --> 00:28:51,991
[LAUGHING]
713
00:28:52,034 --> 00:28:54,036
YOU WEARING
A STRAIGHTJACKET? OH!
714
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,823
IN YOUR CASE
IT MIGHT BE A HOMOJACKET.
715
00:28:58,214 --> 00:28:59,781
YOU'RE A LOSER, SCHECK
716
00:28:59,825 --> 00:29:02,741
A LOSER.
[LAUGHING]
717
00:29:03,045 --> 00:29:04,568
YOU'RE A LOSER.
[LAUGHS]
718
00:29:04,612 --> 00:29:08,442
YOU'RE A LOSER, SCHECK.
[LAUGHS]
719
00:29:19,322 --> 00:29:23,109
HEY, SCHECK,
HERE'S MY CLOSING BIT.
720
00:29:23,413 --> 00:29:26,373
[GRUNTING AND MOANING]
721
00:29:33,510 --> 00:29:34,424
AAH!
722
00:29:34,468 --> 00:29:36,296
OH, BOY, THAT DREAM SUCKED.
723
00:29:36,339 --> 00:29:38,037
I'M GOING
TO GO TO SLEEP AGAIN.
724
00:29:38,080 --> 00:29:41,997
AND THIS TIME,
IT'S GOING TO BE BETTER.
725
00:29:55,489 --> 00:30:00,973
♪ OOH, OOH
726
00:30:06,500 --> 00:30:08,850
♪ EACH DAY
THROUGH MY WINDOW ♪
727
00:30:08,894 --> 00:30:15,988
♪ I WATCH HER
AS SHE PASSES BY ♪
728
00:30:17,903 --> 00:30:20,166
♪ I SAY TO MYSELF
729
00:30:20,209 --> 00:30:26,476
♪ YOU'RE SUCH
A LUCKY GUY ♪
730
00:30:29,523 --> 00:30:33,048
♪ TO HAVE
A GIRL LIKE HER ♪
731
00:30:33,092 --> 00:30:39,315
♪ IS TRULY
A DREAM COME TRUE ♪
732
00:30:39,359 --> 00:30:45,234
♪ OUT OF ALL THE FELLAS
IN THE WORLD ♪
733
00:30:45,278 --> 00:30:50,587
♪ SHE BELONGS TO ME
734
00:30:50,631 --> 00:30:57,116
♪ BUT IT WAS
JUST MY IMAGINATION ♪
735
00:30:57,159 --> 00:31:01,511
♪ RUNNING AWAY WITH ME
736
00:31:01,555 --> 00:31:06,952
♪ IT WAS
JUST MY IMAGINATION ♪
737
00:31:06,995 --> 00:31:13,175
♪ RUNNING AWAY WITH ME
738
00:31:13,219 --> 00:31:14,611
♪ OHH, OHH
739
00:31:14,655 --> 00:31:18,572
♪ SOON WE'LL BE MARRIED
740
00:31:18,615 --> 00:31:23,229
♪ AND RAISE
A FAMILY... ♪
741
00:31:41,203 --> 00:31:42,248
MOMMY!
742
00:31:42,291 --> 00:31:44,337
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING, SCHECKY?
743
00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:47,035
ARE YOU TRYING
TO KILL ME?
744
00:31:47,079 --> 00:31:49,559
WHO ARE THESE GIRLS?
745
00:31:49,603 --> 00:31:51,561
I KNEW YOU WERE SUICIDAL.
746
00:31:51,605 --> 00:31:52,693
I KNEW IT.
747
00:31:52,736 --> 00:31:54,390
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE
FROM THIS, SCHECKY.
748
00:31:54,434 --> 00:31:55,739
YOUR WEENY'S
GOING TO FALL OFF
749
00:31:55,783 --> 00:31:57,480
JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER'S.
750
00:31:57,524 --> 00:31:59,352
DO YOU HEAR ME, SCHECKY?
751
00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:01,267
IT FELT SO GREAT.
752
00:32:01,310 --> 00:32:03,965
HER BREASTS
WERE LIKE BASEBALLS.
753
00:32:04,009 --> 00:32:04,966
THEY WERE HARD AND FIRM,
754
00:32:05,010 --> 00:32:06,968
AND THEY STUCK OUT
LIKE TORPEDOES.
755
00:32:07,012 --> 00:32:11,146
SCHECKY. SCHECKY. SCHECKY.
756
00:32:11,190 --> 00:32:13,235
SCHECKY. SCHECKY!
757
00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:16,238
SCHECKY! SCHECKY.
758
00:32:16,282 --> 00:32:17,674
OH, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN HER.
759
00:32:17,718 --> 00:32:19,415
MY GOD,
IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.
760
00:32:19,459 --> 00:32:21,069
I MEAN, SHE WAS
BEGGING FOR ME.
761
00:32:21,113 --> 00:32:22,636
SHE LOVED ME.
TALK ABOUT LUCK.
762
00:32:22,679 --> 00:32:24,594
I MEAN, MAN, OH, MAN,
OH, MAN, OH, MAN,
763
00:32:24,638 --> 00:32:26,031
OH, MAN, OH, MAN.
764
00:32:26,074 --> 00:32:26,901
DID I EVER TELL YOU
765
00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:29,425
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE
MY MOTHER?
766
00:32:31,471 --> 00:32:32,472
NO.
767
00:32:32,515 --> 00:32:36,041
YOU REALLY DO. WHOA!
WHAT TIME IS IT?
768
00:32:36,084 --> 00:32:37,259
IT'S TIME FOR WORK.
769
00:32:37,303 --> 00:32:39,653
HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU SLEPT IN YOUR UNIFORM.
770
00:32:39,696 --> 00:32:41,002
OH, YEAH.
771
00:32:41,046 --> 00:32:43,265
ANYWAY, SHE TOLD ME HER NAME
WAS DEBBI WITH AN "I",
772
00:32:43,309 --> 00:32:47,356
AND SHE DID A SPREAD
FOR HUSTLERMAGAZINE.
773
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:49,097
OOH, DEBBI
WITH AN "I"?
774
00:32:49,141 --> 00:32:50,055
UH, DID SHE DO,
LIKE,
775
00:32:50,098 --> 00:32:51,621
A 7-PAGE SPREAD
WITH A PIG?
776
00:32:51,665 --> 00:32:53,667
I SAW THAT.
777
00:32:54,450 --> 00:32:56,975
WOW.
778
00:33:11,380 --> 00:33:12,294
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
779
00:33:12,338 --> 00:33:13,513
YOU SEE,
THERE'S THIS GIRL
780
00:33:13,556 --> 00:33:14,601
I MET, RIGHT?
781
00:33:14,644 --> 00:33:17,169
AND ANYTHING THAT
GIRL TELLS ME, I DO.
782
00:33:17,212 --> 00:33:18,735
FOR EXAMPLE,
I ASKED HER
783
00:33:18,779 --> 00:33:20,302
ON A SCALE
OF 1 TO 10,
784
00:33:20,346 --> 00:33:21,173
WHAT AM I?
785
00:33:21,216 --> 00:33:22,304
AND SHE SAID,
"YOU'RE AN 8,"
786
00:33:22,348 --> 00:33:24,132
SO I PEED
ON HER SHOES.
787
00:33:24,176 --> 00:33:28,049
UR-IN-ATE.
788
00:33:29,529 --> 00:33:30,660
I DON'T KNOW.
789
00:33:30,704 --> 00:33:33,228
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
AVOID TELLING ACTUAL JOKES
790
00:33:33,272 --> 00:33:36,840
AND JUST STICK TO IMPROVISING
AND TALKING WITH THE AUDIENCE.
791
00:33:36,884 --> 00:33:39,626
I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.
792
00:33:39,669 --> 00:33:40,757
YEAH?
793
00:33:40,801 --> 00:33:42,585
A LOT FUNNIER THAN THAT
JERK THEY HIRED
794
00:33:42,629 --> 00:33:43,760
AS THE SHIP'S COMEDIAN.
795
00:33:43,804 --> 00:33:46,241
YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT
THAT JOKE WAS FUNNY?
796
00:33:46,285 --> 00:33:47,416
LET ME PUT IT
THIS WAY.
797
00:33:47,460 --> 00:33:51,029
HE'S FUNNY.
THE OTHER GUY'S A HACK.
798
00:33:52,204 --> 00:33:55,076
YEAH.
I AM FUNNY.
799
00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,644
HE REALLY
IS A HACK,
800
00:33:57,687 --> 00:33:59,820
ISN'T HE?
YEAH.
801
00:33:59,863 --> 00:34:02,823
[ROCKYTHEME PLAYS]
802
00:34:04,564 --> 00:34:06,174
I DON'T WANT
ANY CHEAP SHOTS.
803
00:34:06,218 --> 00:34:07,610
I DON'T WANT ANY HITTING
BELOW THE WAIST.
804
00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:11,266
I DON'T WANT ANY FOOD
OR DRINK ON THE MAT.
805
00:34:11,310 --> 00:34:14,704
THAT'S A NEW ONE.
AND MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
806
00:34:14,748 --> 00:34:15,836
LET'S GO.
807
00:34:15,879 --> 00:34:17,098
HEY, HEY, HEY.
808
00:34:17,142 --> 00:34:22,538
OK. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO, BRILLO-HEAD.
809
00:34:23,583 --> 00:34:24,627
LOOK AT YOU.
810
00:34:24,671 --> 00:34:26,586
YOU GOT MORE TEETH
THAN A FUCKING SAW.
811
00:34:26,629 --> 00:34:27,630
[BOING]
812
00:34:27,674 --> 00:34:29,284
LOOK AT YOUR MOUTH.
WHAT ARE DOING,
813
00:34:29,328 --> 00:34:30,807
STUNT WORK
FOR MR. ED?
814
00:34:30,851 --> 00:34:32,548
[BOING]
815
00:34:47,911 --> 00:34:49,739
HEY, THOSE ARE NICE LEGS
YOU GOT THERE.
816
00:34:49,783 --> 00:34:51,219
I SAW THEM
THE OTHER NIGHT.
817
00:34:51,263 --> 00:34:52,307
I WAS IN
A JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
818
00:34:52,351 --> 00:34:54,135
YEAH, I USED THEM
TO PICK UP MY SUSHI.
819
00:34:54,179 --> 00:34:56,398
OH! UHH!
REF, COME ON.
820
00:34:56,442 --> 00:34:57,530
THAT WAS BELOW
THE BELT.
821
00:34:57,573 --> 00:34:59,140
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
822
00:34:59,184 --> 00:35:00,707
AHH! OOH,
YOU'RE A WINNER, BABY.
823
00:35:00,750 --> 00:35:02,012
YOU'RE ALWAYS THINKING,
AND I LIKE THAT.
824
00:35:02,056 --> 00:35:03,797
WHAT, IS THAT BLACK HAT
ON THERE TO SHOW RESPECT
825
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:05,625
TO YOUR DEAD BRAIN?
826
00:35:06,626 --> 00:35:08,236
OH, JEEZ,
I LIKE THAT, SASQUATCH.
827
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:09,194
GOT ENOUGH HAIR
ON YOUR BACK?
828
00:35:09,237 --> 00:35:10,804
YOU WANT ME
TO BRAID IT FOR YA?
829
00:35:10,847 --> 00:35:13,502
OH, LOOK IT'S SPEEDO BANDITO
THERE. I LIKE THAT.
830
00:35:13,546 --> 00:35:16,810
HUH, WHAT ARE SMUGGLING IN
A HALF A ROLL OF CERTS?
831
00:35:17,637 --> 00:35:18,594
HA HA. OH,
BY THE WAY,
832
00:35:18,638 --> 00:35:19,769
I DO WEDDINGS,
IN CASE YOUR PARENTS
833
00:35:19,813 --> 00:35:22,163
DECIDE ON GETTING MARRIED.
834
00:35:22,207 --> 00:35:23,425
WHAT'S THAT
AROUND YOUR NECK?
835
00:35:23,469 --> 00:35:25,558
YOUR MOTHER'S LEASH?
836
00:35:26,602 --> 00:35:29,431
Man:
YOU BUFFOON.
837
00:35:30,476 --> 00:35:32,347
OOH, HOO
HOO HOO.
838
00:35:32,391 --> 00:35:34,915
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
839
00:35:38,353 --> 00:35:41,443
[CROWD CHEERS]
840
00:35:44,838 --> 00:35:47,623
HEY! SCHECKY!
SNAP OUT OF IT.
841
00:35:47,667 --> 00:35:48,798
YOU LOOKED LIKE
YOU WERE FANTASIZING
842
00:35:48,842 --> 00:35:52,802
ABOUT KILLING DICKIE DIAMOND
OR SOMETHING.
843
00:35:52,846 --> 00:35:53,847
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
844
00:35:53,890 --> 00:35:55,631
WE BETTER GO SERVE
THESE DRINKS, BOB.
845
00:35:55,675 --> 00:35:57,329
OH, RIGHT.
846
00:36:00,419 --> 00:36:01,507
Miss Australia:
POLITICS ARE, LIKE,
847
00:36:01,550 --> 00:36:03,291
REALLY WEIRD.
I MEAN, THEY'RE, LIKE,
848
00:36:03,335 --> 00:36:05,250
I NEVER THINK ABOUT THEM
UNLESS SOMEBODY SAYS,
849
00:36:05,293 --> 00:36:06,947
"WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT POLITICS," YOU KNOW?
850
00:36:06,990 --> 00:36:08,209
BUT I THINK WORLD LEADERS
851
00:36:08,253 --> 00:36:10,516
ARE REAL IMPORTANT
TO THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD.
852
00:36:10,559 --> 00:36:11,734
WORLD PEACE
WOULD BE NICE,
853
00:36:11,778 --> 00:36:13,649
BUT WOULD BE NICER,
WOULD BE...
854
00:36:13,693 --> 00:36:16,391
EVERYONE WOULD GET
WHATEVER THEY WISH FOR.
855
00:36:16,435 --> 00:36:17,131
IN LIFE.
856
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,350
WE CAN
ALL WORK AS ONE,
857
00:36:18,393 --> 00:36:21,004
THEN THAT'S WHEN
WORLD PEACE WILL COME AROUND.
858
00:36:21,048 --> 00:36:23,311
OH, PANAMA.
OH, GENERAL NORIEGA.
859
00:36:23,355 --> 00:36:24,660
I THINK HE
SHOULD BE KILLED
860
00:36:24,704 --> 00:36:26,575
FOR KILLING PEOPLE
WHO VOTE AGAINST HIM.
861
00:36:26,619 --> 00:36:30,536
WELL, I THINK HE SHOULD SEE
A DERMATOLOGIST, YOU KNOW?
862
00:36:33,539 --> 00:36:35,802
I CAN TELL BY JUST LOOKING
AT GENERAL NORIEGA
863
00:36:35,845 --> 00:36:38,587
THAT HE HAS A REALLY ICKY,
RANCID BREATH
864
00:36:38,631 --> 00:36:40,633
THAT'S SO BAD THAT
WHEN HE'S TALKING TO YOU,
865
00:36:40,676 --> 00:36:41,938
YOU HAVE TO HOLD
YOUR OWN BREATH
866
00:36:41,982 --> 00:36:44,245
TO KEEP FROM GAGGING.
867
00:36:44,289 --> 00:36:46,943
SEE, I HAVE THIS REALLY
STRONG SENSE OF SMELL.
868
00:36:46,987 --> 00:36:48,858
HE HAS A--
PROBABLY, YOU KNOW,
869
00:36:48,902 --> 00:36:51,383
DOESN'T USE ANY FORM
OF PERSONAL, YOU KNOW,
870
00:36:51,426 --> 00:36:54,429
HYGIENIC PROTECTION,
YOU KNOW, DEODORANT.
871
00:36:54,473 --> 00:36:55,691
I THINK HE PROBABLY--
872
00:36:55,735 --> 00:36:59,565
HE HAS STINKY ARMPITS,
AS WELL. UM, PROBABLY...
873
00:36:59,608 --> 00:37:02,437
YOU KNOW, IF YOU, LIKE,
PUT A PIZZA IN--
874
00:37:02,481 --> 00:37:04,439
IF YOU DON'T EAT A PIZZA
AND YOU PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE
875
00:37:04,483 --> 00:37:05,919
FOR, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
COUPLE OF DAYS,
876
00:37:05,962 --> 00:37:07,007
WELL, MAYBE LIKE 10 DAYS,
877
00:37:07,050 --> 00:37:08,878
AND YOU GOT IT OUT
AND YOU LEFT IT OUT
878
00:37:08,922 --> 00:37:11,272
FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS
AND THEN YOU WENT BACK
879
00:37:11,316 --> 00:37:12,578
AND WANTED TO TAKE A BITE?
880
00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:13,796
AND IT'S THAT SMELL THAT
YOU GET JUST BEFORE YOU,
881
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,233
LIKE, PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH.
882
00:37:15,276 --> 00:37:17,583
I THINK IT'S PROBABLY A BIT
LIKE WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE.
883
00:37:17,626 --> 00:37:20,586
I JUST WOULDN'T WANT
TO SPEND ANY REAL TIME
884
00:37:20,629 --> 00:37:21,978
WITH THE MAN.
885
00:37:22,022 --> 00:37:24,416
IN FACT, I RATHER SPEND
A WHOLE DAY WITH TED BUNDY--
886
00:37:24,459 --> 00:37:25,591
HUH! I SMELL?
887
00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:26,722
BAD BREATH?
888
00:37:26,766 --> 00:37:29,421
EH? WE SEE WHO GETS
THE LAST LAUGH HERE,
889
00:37:29,464 --> 00:37:34,469
YOU LEFTOVER, WORTHLESS
KANGAROO VOMIT.
890
00:37:48,135 --> 00:37:49,310
OHH!
891
00:37:49,354 --> 00:37:50,790
SEE THAT WOMAN?
892
00:37:50,833 --> 00:37:52,661
WHERE?
893
00:37:52,705 --> 00:37:55,621
NO, IDIOT,
ON THE TV THERE.
894
00:37:55,969 --> 00:37:57,753
THAT WOMAN
THERE?
895
00:37:57,797 --> 00:37:59,102
THAT WOMAN
ON THE TV THERE?
896
00:37:59,146 --> 00:38:02,323
THAT WOMAN ON THE TV.
I WANT HER KILLED.
897
00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:03,846
HER NAME
IS MISS AUSTRALIA.
898
00:38:03,890 --> 00:38:06,719
SHE SAID I SMELLED
LIKE PIZZA.
899
00:38:06,762 --> 00:38:09,461
NO! LIKE
A PIZZA?
900
00:38:09,504 --> 00:38:10,940
A PIZZA.
901
00:38:10,984 --> 00:38:13,116
WHAT KIND
OF PIZZAS?
902
00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:15,815
AN OLD PIZZA.
903
00:38:16,903 --> 00:38:18,078
[SNIFFS]
904
00:38:18,121 --> 00:38:24,302
UM, AN OLD,
UH, CHEESE PIZZA?
905
00:38:29,655 --> 00:38:32,135
WITH, UH,
ANCHOVIES?
906
00:38:32,179 --> 00:38:34,050
[GUNSHOT]
907
00:38:36,401 --> 00:38:40,448
AND, UM, UH,
WHAT KIND OF CRUST?
908
00:38:40,492 --> 00:38:43,146
I WANT HER KILLED.
WHAT DOES THAT MATTER?
909
00:38:43,190 --> 00:38:45,366
UH, ROUND,
UH PIZZA?
910
00:38:45,410 --> 00:38:48,369
IT DON'T MATTER.
KILL MISS AUSTRALIA.
911
00:38:48,413 --> 00:38:49,805
YOU WANT US
TO KILL THE WOMAN
912
00:38:49,849 --> 00:38:50,763
ON THE VIDEOSCREEN?
913
00:38:50,806 --> 00:38:53,113
THAT WOMAN
ON THE VIDEOTAPE, YES.
914
00:38:53,156 --> 00:38:57,552
UM, YOU WANT US
TO KILL THAT GIRL THERE
915
00:38:57,596 --> 00:38:59,467
IN THE VIDEOTAPE
THAT YOU RENTED?
916
00:38:59,511 --> 00:39:00,642
WE GOING TO KILL HER?
917
00:39:00,686 --> 00:39:02,383
THAT GIRL
IN THERE NOW
918
00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:05,386
IN THE TAPE THAT
YOU RENTED KILLED.
919
00:39:05,430 --> 00:39:06,953
SIÍ.
920
00:39:06,996 --> 00:39:08,389
WHERE IS SHE?
921
00:39:08,433 --> 00:39:09,869
SHE'S
IN THE STORE
922
00:39:09,912 --> 00:39:12,393
WITH
THE VIDEOTAPES?
923
00:39:22,708 --> 00:39:24,623
YOU, YOU LISTEN
TO ME, HUH?
924
00:39:24,666 --> 00:39:29,671
HUH? I SAY LICK TOILET,
YOU LICK TOILET.
925
00:39:29,715 --> 00:39:31,891
I SAY PICK THE NOSE,
926
00:39:31,934 --> 00:39:33,588
YOU PICK THE NOSE.
927
00:39:33,632 --> 00:39:37,113
I SAY KILL
VIDEOTAPE GIRL,
928
00:39:37,157 --> 00:39:39,420
YOU KILL VIDEOTAPE GIRL.
929
00:39:39,464 --> 00:39:40,595
HUH?
930
00:39:40,639 --> 00:39:42,771
OH, YES, SIR!
SHE'S DEAD.
931
00:39:42,815 --> 00:39:43,859
WE, WE KILL
MISS AUSTRALIA.
932
00:39:43,903 --> 00:39:46,427
WE GOING, UM, UM,
WE GOING TO KILL
933
00:39:46,471 --> 00:39:47,907
CROCODILE DUNDEE.
934
00:39:47,950 --> 00:39:48,777
SHE'S DEAD.
935
00:39:48,821 --> 00:39:49,778
DOG MEAT
DEAD, SIR.
936
00:39:49,822 --> 00:39:50,866
SHE IS, UM,
A DEADER THAN A KOALA
937
00:39:50,910 --> 00:39:51,693
ON THE FREEWAY WAY, SIR.
938
00:39:51,737 --> 00:39:52,868
SHE'S DEADER
THAN
939
00:39:52,912 --> 00:39:53,869
SHRIMPS
ON THE BARBIE.
940
00:39:53,913 --> 00:39:56,132
DEAD AS
A KOALA BEAR.
941
00:39:56,176 --> 00:39:59,092
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
YOU 2 COMEDIANS?
942
00:39:59,135 --> 00:40:02,051
[MUMBLING]
943
00:40:02,095 --> 00:40:05,446
GO! GO! GO KILL
MISS AUSTRALIA.
944
00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:07,317
GET OUT!
945
00:40:11,191 --> 00:40:14,934
♪ HE GOES
INTO THE ROOM ♪
946
00:40:14,977 --> 00:40:19,155
♪ EVERYBODY
RUNS AND HIDES ♪
947
00:40:21,288 --> 00:40:24,422
♪ HE NEVER BE A GROOM
948
00:40:26,293 --> 00:40:29,514
♪ HE NEVER CATCH
A BRIDE ♪
949
00:40:30,602 --> 00:40:33,474
♪ IT'S A SAD,
SAD WORLD ♪
950
00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:37,565
♪ WHEN YOUR HEAD
LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA ♪
951
00:40:38,044 --> 00:40:41,917
♪ BUT IT'S SADDER,
SADDER STILL ♪
952
00:40:43,571 --> 00:40:46,052
♪ WHEN NO GIRL
WANTS TO MEET YA ♪
953
00:40:46,095 --> 00:40:48,271
Miss Australia: WELL,
I'LL BET HIS BEST FRIENDS
954
00:40:48,315 --> 00:40:50,099
DON'T EVEN WANT
TO TALK TO HIM.
955
00:40:50,143 --> 00:40:53,102
YOU KNOW,
I--I THINK HE STINKS.
956
00:41:05,898 --> 00:41:07,552
WHOA! WHOA!
957
00:41:08,291 --> 00:41:09,641
HEY! HEY!
958
00:41:09,684 --> 00:41:12,557
NOW, SCHECKY, FIGHTING
ISN'T GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING.
959
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,472
SHUT UP, BOB.
960
00:41:15,603 --> 00:41:18,563
[GRUMBLING]
SON OF A BITCHIN' BOAT'S
961
00:41:18,606 --> 00:41:21,261
ROCKING MY GODDAMN HEAD OFF
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
962
00:41:21,304 --> 00:41:24,960
[FOGHORN]
OW! OH!
963
00:41:25,004 --> 00:41:26,962
OH! FUCKING--
[FOGHORN]
964
00:41:27,006 --> 00:41:28,355
OH, FUCK YOU.
965
00:41:28,398 --> 00:41:31,314
FUCKING BULLHORN OUT OF
NOWHERE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
966
00:41:31,358 --> 00:41:35,971
FUCK, BULLSHIT,
BULL--OH--HORN. SHIT.
967
00:41:36,015 --> 00:41:37,320
FUCKING PLAYING--
968
00:41:37,364 --> 00:41:39,540
FEEL LIKE I'M DOING
THE POLKA, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
969
00:41:39,584 --> 00:41:41,890
JUST--OH, OH.
970
00:41:41,934 --> 00:41:45,546
CHRIST, MORE STAIRS
THAN FUCKING NOTRE DAME.
971
00:41:45,590 --> 00:41:48,201
JESUS CHRIST.
972
00:41:55,774 --> 00:41:56,731
HI, DICKIE.
973
00:41:56,775 --> 00:41:58,211
I JUST HAD THE
GREATEST INTERVIEW.
974
00:41:58,254 --> 00:42:00,169
I SPOKE ALL ABOUT
MY POLITICAL BELIEFS
975
00:42:00,213 --> 00:42:01,867
AND I SAID
WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO
976
00:42:01,910 --> 00:42:03,172
ABOUT
GENERAL NORIEGA.
977
00:42:03,216 --> 00:42:04,739
OH, THAT'S
FUCKING GREAT, ELLEN.
978
00:42:04,783 --> 00:42:05,784
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
LISTEN.
979
00:42:05,827 --> 00:42:07,176
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
DO ME A FAVOR, OK?
980
00:42:07,220 --> 00:42:09,831
TAKE OFF FOR A WHILE.
I NEED SOME SPACE. OK, HONEY?
981
00:42:09,875 --> 00:42:10,658
SURE, NO PROBLEM.
982
00:42:10,702 --> 00:42:11,790
I'M GOING
TO GO AND GET
983
00:42:11,833 --> 00:42:14,357
A PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
984
00:42:14,401 --> 00:42:15,837
[STOMACH ROILS]
985
00:42:15,881 --> 00:42:17,012
FUCKING PASTRAMI SANDWICH.
986
00:42:17,056 --> 00:42:20,276
SHE KNOWS FUCKING
DICKIE DIAMOND HATES
987
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,756
PASTRAMI SANDWICHES.
988
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,150
OH, SHIT. OCEAN.
989
00:42:24,193 --> 00:42:27,109
UHH! FUCK!
OH, SHIT!
990
00:42:27,153 --> 00:42:30,025
FUCK YOU!
FUCK. FUCK. UHH!
991
00:42:30,069 --> 00:42:33,333
FUCK THAT. YOU GOT--
I'M WALKING AWAY FROM THIS.
992
00:42:33,376 --> 00:42:35,727
I'M FUCKING
WALKING AWAY FROM THIS.
993
00:42:35,770 --> 00:42:37,032
YOU GOT NOTHING. HAH!
994
00:42:37,076 --> 00:42:39,644
[STOMACH ROILS]
FUCK!
995
00:42:41,646 --> 00:42:42,472
FUCK THAT.
996
00:42:42,516 --> 00:42:44,692
SON OF A BITCH.
MY BEST HAT!
997
00:42:44,736 --> 00:42:46,825
OHH! OHH!
998
00:42:50,045 --> 00:42:53,701
FUCKING STAIRS. GREAT!
MORE FUCKING STAIRS.
999
00:42:58,010 --> 00:42:59,577
FUCK.
1000
00:43:02,231 --> 00:43:05,104
OH! PORCELAIN GODDESS.
1001
00:43:05,147 --> 00:43:08,586
UHH! HERE I COME.
1002
00:43:18,944 --> 00:43:19,858
AAH!
1003
00:43:19,901 --> 00:43:21,250
DICKIE!
1004
00:43:21,294 --> 00:43:23,688
AAH! OH, MY GOD!
1005
00:43:23,731 --> 00:43:24,384
DICKIE!
1006
00:43:24,427 --> 00:43:26,038
HELP!
MAN OVERBOARD!
1007
00:43:26,081 --> 00:43:28,997
MY GOD!
MAN OVERBOARD!
1008
00:43:29,041 --> 00:43:30,738
HELP! DICKIE!
1009
00:43:30,782 --> 00:43:32,261
DICKIE DIAMOND
DOESN'T THROW UP.
1010
00:43:32,305 --> 00:43:34,437
MY AGENT'S
FUCKING FIRED.
1011
00:43:34,481 --> 00:43:36,744
HE'S OUT.
1012
00:43:39,007 --> 00:43:40,443
HEY.
1013
00:43:40,487 --> 00:43:45,100
HEY! OPEN
THE FUCKING DOOR!
1014
00:43:45,144 --> 00:43:47,015
AW, SHIT!
1015
00:43:47,059 --> 00:43:48,887
AW, FUCK!
1016
00:43:48,930 --> 00:43:52,194
HEY! HEY!
1017
00:43:52,238 --> 00:43:54,022
AW, COME ON,
SOMEBODY OPEN--
1018
00:43:54,066 --> 00:43:56,285
WHERE'S A FUCKING MAID
WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
1019
00:43:56,329 --> 00:43:59,680
OPEN THE FU--
AW, FUCK.
1020
00:43:59,724 --> 00:44:02,857
FUCK. OH, SHIT.
1021
00:44:03,205 --> 00:44:06,905
RICHARD "DICKIE"
SCOTT BRIAN DAVID
1022
00:44:06,948 --> 00:44:09,864
DIAMOND STEINWITZ.
1023
00:44:09,908 --> 00:44:14,173
HE WAS SUCH A FUNNY MAN.
1024
00:44:14,216 --> 00:44:17,785
A MAN WHO MADE US LAUGH.
1025
00:44:17,829 --> 00:44:20,222
A MAN WHO BRIGHTENED
OUR HEARTS
1026
00:44:20,266 --> 00:44:23,704
AND OPENED UP
OUR EVERY DAY
1027
00:44:23,748 --> 00:44:24,966
WITH ENDLESS
POSSIBILITIES
1028
00:44:25,010 --> 00:44:26,185
OF LAUGHTER.
1029
00:44:26,228 --> 00:44:29,188
THE GUY TALKED ABOUT
BANGING HIS GRANDMOTHER.
1030
00:44:29,231 --> 00:44:30,929
WHAT IS THIS?
1031
00:44:30,972 --> 00:44:32,887
LET'S US PRAY.
1032
00:44:41,374 --> 00:44:43,158
LET US LOOK
AT OUR BOOKS...
1033
00:44:43,202 --> 00:44:46,161
PSALM29, JACKSON 5.
1034
00:44:46,205 --> 00:44:48,294
RED SOX 4, YANKEES 3
1035
00:44:48,337 --> 00:44:49,469
IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE EIGHTH.
1036
00:44:49,512 --> 00:44:52,428
GOD! IS THAT
A PORPOISE OUT THERE?
1037
00:44:52,472 --> 00:44:53,734
[SPEAKING HEBREW]
1038
00:44:53,778 --> 00:44:56,824
ASHES TO ASHES,
DUST TO DUST.
1039
00:44:56,868 --> 00:44:59,348
LET US PRAY THAT
RICHARD "DICKIE" SCOTT
1040
00:44:59,392 --> 00:45:02,264
DIAMOND STEINWITZMAN
1041
00:45:02,308 --> 00:45:03,222
IS IN HEAVEN
1042
00:45:03,265 --> 00:45:05,746
ENTERTAINING
THE ANGELS
1043
00:45:05,790 --> 00:45:09,228
IN THAT GREAT MICROPHONE
OF THE SKY.
1044
00:45:09,271 --> 00:45:11,796
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?
1045
00:45:12,231 --> 00:45:13,362
WHO'S GOING TO
MAKE US LAUGH
1046
00:45:13,406 --> 00:45:15,060
THE REST OF
THE CRUISE?
1047
00:45:15,103 --> 00:45:17,018
I MEAN,
WHO'S GOING TO
1048
00:45:17,062 --> 00:45:17,932
BRIGHTEN
OUR DAYS
1049
00:45:17,976 --> 00:45:19,804
AND OPEN
OUR HEARTS NOW?
1050
00:45:19,847 --> 00:45:20,892
WHO?
1051
00:45:20,935 --> 00:45:23,329
WHOA, MAN! THIS IS
MY BIG CHANCE HERE.
1052
00:45:23,372 --> 00:45:25,766
IF I VOLUNTEER,
I'M GOING TO BE
1053
00:45:25,810 --> 00:45:27,202
THE SHIP'S COMEDIAN.
1054
00:45:27,246 --> 00:45:28,247
AW, THAT'D BE GREAT.
1055
00:45:28,290 --> 00:45:29,509
BUT IF I DON'T,
I'M JUST GOING TO BE
1056
00:45:29,552 --> 00:45:30,815
SCHECKY
THE SCHMUCK WAITER
1057
00:45:30,858 --> 00:45:31,816
THE REST OF MY LIFE,
1058
00:45:31,859 --> 00:45:32,860
AND I'LL NEVER TOUCH
A WOMAN AGAIN
1059
00:45:32,904 --> 00:45:34,035
AND I JUST--I GOT
TO TOUCH A WOMAN.
1060
00:45:34,079 --> 00:45:35,776
I JUST WANT TO GRAB HER.
I JUST WANT TO--
1061
00:45:35,820 --> 00:45:36,864
OH, GOD THAT
WOULD BE GOOD.
1062
00:45:36,908 --> 00:45:38,779
BUT I--BUT I CAN'T
DO IT.
1063
00:45:38,823 --> 00:45:40,825
I JUST CAN'T DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
1064
00:45:40,868 --> 00:45:41,826
I'M TOO CRAZY.
I'M NERVOUS.
1065
00:45:41,869 --> 00:45:43,479
I BET--I MEAN,
I'M PROBABLY THE ONE
1066
00:45:43,523 --> 00:45:44,785
WHO KILLED
DICKIE DIAMOND.
1067
00:45:44,829 --> 00:45:45,743
I WAS SO JEALOUS
OF THAT GUY.
1068
00:45:45,786 --> 00:45:47,396
I JUST--I'M NOT
GOING TO DO IT.
1069
00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:48,876
I WON'T DO IT.
THERE'S NO--
1070
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:49,747
I CAN'T DO IT.
1071
00:45:49,790 --> 00:45:50,791
THERE'S NO WAY
I'M GOING TO--
1072
00:45:50,835 --> 00:45:52,184
HOLY COW!
WHO ARE YOU?
1073
00:45:52,227 --> 00:45:53,185
SCHECKY!
1074
00:45:53,228 --> 00:45:54,882
I AM KING NEPTUNE,
GOD OF THE SEA.
1075
00:45:54,926 --> 00:45:56,188
I COULDN'T HELP
OVERHEARING
1076
00:45:56,231 --> 00:45:57,145
WHAT YOU
WERE THINKING.
1077
00:45:57,189 --> 00:45:58,364
NOT THAT I EAVESDROP
OR ANYTHING,
1078
00:45:58,407 --> 00:46:00,453
BUT I COULDN'T HELP
HEARING YOU WERE,
1079
00:46:00,496 --> 00:46:01,889
UH, WELL, THAT YOU
WANTED TO BE
1080
00:46:01,933 --> 00:46:02,890
THE SHIP COMEDIAN.
1081
00:46:02,934 --> 00:46:04,065
HA HA. BUT YOU
HAVE DOUBTS, MY SON.
1082
00:46:04,109 --> 00:46:05,545
DOUBTS THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE.
1083
00:46:05,588 --> 00:46:07,808
WAIT. AM I HALLUCINATING HERE?
ARE YOU FOR REAL OR WHAT?
1084
00:46:07,852 --> 00:46:08,591
SURE AS THAT
BIG NOSE
1085
00:46:08,635 --> 00:46:09,549
ON THE END
OF YOUR FACE.
1086
00:46:09,592 --> 00:46:11,333
AHH, JEEZ.
AN ANTI-SEMITIC FISH.
1087
00:46:11,377 --> 00:46:13,379
YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT
A GIFLTE FISH, I GUESS?
1088
00:46:13,422 --> 00:46:14,336
LISTEN!
YOU GOT TO HAVE
1089
00:46:14,380 --> 00:46:15,337
A SENSE OF HUMOR
TO BE KING
1090
00:46:15,381 --> 00:46:16,643
OF THAT CESSPOOL,
SONNY.
1091
00:46:16,686 --> 00:46:18,906
SUTOILET IS MI
CASA, ¿COMPRENDE?
1092
00:46:18,950 --> 00:46:20,429
DON'T TELL ME
YOU'RE UNWORLDLY
1093
00:46:20,473 --> 00:46:22,040
AND YOU LACK
CONFIDENCE, TO BOOT.
1094
00:46:22,083 --> 00:46:22,954
SHEESH,
IT'S A GOOD THING
1095
00:46:22,997 --> 00:46:24,259
I FELT IT MY DUTY
TO TELL YOU
1096
00:46:24,303 --> 00:46:25,173
TO GO FOR IT!
1097
00:46:25,217 --> 00:46:27,001
TAKE THE JOB
AS SHIP COMEDIAN.
1098
00:46:27,045 --> 00:46:27,915
THESE PEOPLE
NEED YOU.
1099
00:46:27,959 --> 00:46:29,221
WELL, HEY, HEY!
THEY NEED ME?
1100
00:46:29,264 --> 00:46:30,178
[FALSETTO]
THEY NEED ME?
1101
00:46:30,222 --> 00:46:31,136
YES, THEY NEED YOU!
WHAT ARE YOU
1102
00:46:31,179 --> 00:46:32,224
FISHING FOR
COMPLIMENTS HERE?
1103
00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:33,268
EVERYONE
NEEDS TO LAUGH.
1104
00:46:33,312 --> 00:46:34,922
MAY THE GODS BE
MY WITNESSES
1105
00:46:34,966 --> 00:46:35,923
I'VE BEEN
AT THE BRUNT
1106
00:46:35,967 --> 00:46:36,924
OF A FEW
TOO MANY JOKES
1107
00:46:36,968 --> 00:46:38,143
AT THE OFFICE
WATER COOLER,
1108
00:46:38,186 --> 00:46:39,144
LET ME TELL YOU!
1109
00:46:39,187 --> 00:46:40,275
MISMANAGEMENT
THEY SAID! MY TAIL!
1110
00:46:40,319 --> 00:46:43,104
I'LL PUT A HEX
ON EXXON! [SINGS]
1111
00:46:43,148 --> 00:46:45,150
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS
THE PRINCE OF--
1112
00:46:45,193 --> 00:46:46,499
OK, WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
1113
00:46:46,542 --> 00:46:47,848
I MEAN, IS THIS GOING TO BE
A BIG LONG STORY HERE?
1114
00:46:47,892 --> 00:46:49,023
WE DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR THAT.
1115
00:46:49,067 --> 00:46:50,459
YOU KNOW,
I GOT A RESPONSIBILITY.
1116
00:46:50,503 --> 00:46:51,678
THERE'S A MOVIE HERE,
1117
00:46:51,721 --> 00:46:53,201
AND, YOU KNOW,
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.
1118
00:46:53,245 --> 00:46:54,420
SO YOU UNDERSTAND,
YEAH?
1119
00:46:54,463 --> 00:46:55,856
YOU GOT
A TIME THING?
1120
00:46:55,900 --> 00:46:56,596
TIME ISSUE?
1121
00:46:56,639 --> 00:46:57,466
WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
1122
00:46:57,510 --> 00:46:58,424
WELL,
I JUST THOUGHT
1123
00:46:58,467 --> 00:46:59,425
I'D GIVE YOU
A LITTLE CONFIDENCE.
1124
00:46:59,468 --> 00:47:00,992
YOU JUST GO AHEAD,
MR. SAILORPANTS.
1125
00:47:01,035 --> 00:47:02,080
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FINISH?
1126
00:47:02,123 --> 00:47:03,255
OH, MAN.
NO, REALLY,
1127
00:47:03,298 --> 00:47:05,387
KING NEPTUNE, THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
1128
00:47:05,431 --> 00:47:06,258
BUT REMEMBER...
1129
00:47:06,301 --> 00:47:08,956
THE POWER
OF LAUGHTER!
1130
00:47:12,351 --> 00:47:13,265
I'LL DO IT!
I'LL DO IT!
1131
00:47:13,308 --> 00:47:16,311
I'LL BE SHIP COMEDIAN.
YA--HOOO!
1132
00:47:16,355 --> 00:47:17,138
YEAH!
1133
00:47:17,182 --> 00:47:20,185
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
1134
00:47:35,548 --> 00:47:36,418
QUIT BANGING!
1135
00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:37,942
I'M NOT BANGING.
I'M DRUMMING.
1136
00:47:37,985 --> 00:47:39,204
IT'S GOOD FOR ME.
1137
00:47:39,247 --> 00:47:40,945
QUIT DRUMMING!
1138
00:47:42,207 --> 00:47:43,556
OK.
1139
00:47:44,644 --> 00:47:47,908
UM...
KNOCK, KNOCK.
1140
00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:48,648
WHO'S THERE?
1141
00:47:48,691 --> 00:47:51,999
UM, THE BIG STINKY MAN.
1142
00:47:52,043 --> 00:47:54,175
THE BIG STINKY MAN
WHO?
1143
00:47:54,219 --> 00:47:57,396
THE BIG STINKY MAN
IS YOU!
1144
00:48:00,965 --> 00:48:03,924
SHUT UP, ACHMED,
YOU'RE NOT FUNNY.
1145
00:48:03,968 --> 00:48:06,405
I AM FUNNY.
I'M VERY FUNNY.
1146
00:48:06,448 --> 00:48:09,103
ACHMED IS FUNNY!
1147
00:48:15,066 --> 00:48:18,199
OH, MAN, WHAT HAPPENS
IF I GO UP THERE
1148
00:48:18,243 --> 00:48:19,505
AND I DIE
A MISERABLE DEATH?
1149
00:48:19,548 --> 00:48:20,462
THEY'RE NOT
GONNA LIKE ME.
1150
00:48:20,506 --> 00:48:22,029
I'M GONNA
BLANK UP THERE.
1151
00:48:22,073 --> 00:48:23,161
SOMEONE'S GONNA
THROW FOOD AT ME.
1152
00:48:23,204 --> 00:48:25,206
I'LL BE HIT IN THE HEAD
WITH A MEATLOAF.
1153
00:48:25,250 --> 00:48:26,033
SCHECKY.
1154
00:48:26,077 --> 00:48:27,034
I'LL GET
THROWN OVERBOARD.
1155
00:48:27,078 --> 00:48:28,209
THE SHARK'S GONNA
RIP MY LEGS OFF.
1156
00:48:28,253 --> 00:48:29,994
SCHECKY!
1157
00:48:30,037 --> 00:48:32,039
NOW, NO ONE'S
GONNA HATE YOU
1158
00:48:32,083 --> 00:48:33,388
AS LONG AS YOU
ACT NATURAL,
1159
00:48:33,432 --> 00:48:35,738
BUT I THINK IF WE SANG
A LITTLE SONG RIGHT NOW,
1160
00:48:35,782 --> 00:48:38,045
YOU'D FEEL
A LITTLE BETTER.
1161
00:48:38,089 --> 00:48:39,090
ALL RIGHT.
1162
00:48:39,133 --> 00:48:40,047
OK.
1163
00:48:40,091 --> 00:48:44,138
♪ COMEDY,
SUCH A LOVELY LADY ♪
1164
00:48:44,182 --> 00:48:44,965
♪ LADY
1165
00:48:45,009 --> 00:48:47,185
♪ SHE'LL PICK YOU UP
1166
00:48:47,228 --> 00:48:48,055
♪ PICK YOU UP
1167
00:48:48,099 --> 00:48:50,231
♪ WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' BLUE
1168
00:48:50,275 --> 00:48:51,493
♪ FEELIN' BLUE
1169
00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:54,496
♪ SHE'LL RUN HER FINGERS
THROUGH YOUR HAIR ♪
1170
00:48:54,540 --> 00:48:55,671
♪ YOUR HAIR
1171
00:48:55,715 --> 00:48:57,586
♪ AND MAKE YOU FEEL
THAT SOMEONE CARES ♪
1172
00:48:57,630 --> 00:48:58,631
♪ SOMEONE CARES
1173
00:48:58,674 --> 00:48:59,458
♪ ABOUT YOU
1174
00:48:59,501 --> 00:49:00,502
♪ ABOUT YOU,
ABOUT YOU ♪
1175
00:49:00,546 --> 00:49:02,069
♪ SKID SKID-A-LEE DOO
1176
00:49:02,113 --> 00:49:06,117
♪ SKID-A-LEE DOODLE-LEE
DOODLE-LEE DOO ♪
1177
00:49:06,334 --> 00:49:08,075
NOW, DON'T YOU
FEEL BETTER?
1178
00:49:08,119 --> 00:49:09,250
I DO. I DO.
1179
00:49:09,294 --> 00:49:11,774
OK. NOW, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TRY TO BE FUNNY.
1180
00:49:11,818 --> 00:49:12,688
JUST BE YOURSELF.
1181
00:49:12,732 --> 00:49:13,820
YOU DON'T
HAVE TO TELL JOKES.
1182
00:49:13,863 --> 00:49:16,692
HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL JUST TALK TO 'EM.
1183
00:49:16,736 --> 00:49:18,085
I'LL JUST
ASK 'EM QUESTIONS
1184
00:49:18,129 --> 00:49:20,218
ABOUT THEMSELVES,
AND THAT'S IT.
1185
00:49:20,261 --> 00:49:21,654
RIGHT.
NOW, THAT'S GOOD.
1186
00:49:21,697 --> 00:49:25,005
NOW, FIX YOUR HAIR,
WIPE YOUR EYEBROWS--
1187
00:49:25,049 --> 00:49:26,006
OH. GOT IT.
1188
00:49:26,050 --> 00:49:28,182
WIPE YOUR NOSE,
SMELL YOUR BREATH,
1189
00:49:28,226 --> 00:49:30,750
CHECK YOUR ARMPITS,
TIE YOUR SHOES--
1190
00:49:30,793 --> 00:49:31,620
I GOT DAT.
1191
00:49:31,664 --> 00:49:33,100
AND SIT UP STRAIGHT.
1192
00:49:33,144 --> 00:49:35,146
AHH!
1193
00:49:35,668 --> 00:49:36,364
EH!
1194
00:49:36,408 --> 00:49:37,409
HOLY SHIT.
LOOK AT ME.
1195
00:49:37,452 --> 00:49:39,367
I LOOK LIKE
A FUCKIN' ZOMBIE.
1196
00:49:39,411 --> 00:49:41,587
YOU FUCKIN' SICKO.
1197
00:49:41,630 --> 00:49:44,372
HOLY SHIT.
1198
00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:47,593
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
1199
00:49:47,636 --> 00:49:49,029
THAT'S IT.
1200
00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:51,031
I'M FUCKIN'
DYIN' IN HERE.
1201
00:49:51,075 --> 00:49:53,120
I'M GONNA
FUCKIN' SHRIVEL UP
1202
00:49:53,164 --> 00:49:56,776
LIKE A FUCKIN'
PIECE OF BACON.
1203
00:49:56,819 --> 00:50:00,040
OH, BOY. I AM VERY
NERVOUS RIGHT NOW.
1204
00:50:00,084 --> 00:50:01,824
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING
THING TO DO--
1205
00:50:01,868 --> 00:50:03,435
TAKE OVER FOR
A DEAD COMEDIAN
1206
00:50:03,478 --> 00:50:04,610
THAT EVERYBODY
LOVED SO MUCH.
1207
00:50:04,653 --> 00:50:07,134
ALL RIGHT. HERE IT GOES.
HERE WE GO.
1208
00:50:07,178 --> 00:50:08,353
I'M GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW.
1209
00:50:08,396 --> 00:50:11,791
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HOW ARE YOU DOIN' TONIGHT?
1210
00:50:11,834 --> 00:50:14,054
[CROWD GROANS
AND MICROPHONE SCREECHES]
1211
00:50:14,098 --> 00:50:17,666
OH, I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.
THAT'S GOOD.
1212
00:50:17,710 --> 00:50:20,669
UH, YOU, SIR. HI.
1213
00:50:20,713 --> 00:50:23,803
HI. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1214
00:50:23,846 --> 00:50:25,065
DAVE.
1215
00:50:25,109 --> 00:50:26,501
DAVE. WE GOT DAVE HERE.
1216
00:50:26,545 --> 00:50:30,636
DAVE. HEY, DAVE.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
1217
00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:32,638
I'M A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER.
1218
00:50:32,681 --> 00:50:34,727
DAVE'S A CONSTRUCTION
WORKER, EVERYBODY.
1219
00:50:34,770 --> 00:50:38,513
SEE THAT? SO, DAVE,
WHAT DO YOU CONSTRUCT?
1220
00:50:38,557 --> 00:50:39,862
I CONSTRUCT
BUILDINGS.
1221
00:50:39,906 --> 00:50:42,256
WHAT THE FUCK ELSE
WOULD I CONSTRUCT?
1222
00:50:42,300 --> 00:50:44,476
OH. OH. THAT'S GOOD.
ALL RIGHT.
1223
00:50:44,519 --> 00:50:47,174
WELL, SO, DAVE, DO YOU
THINK THAT CONSTRUCTING
1224
00:50:47,218 --> 00:50:52,092
IS AN EASY JOB, OR DO
YOU THINK IT'S A HARD JOB?
1225
00:50:52,136 --> 00:50:53,050
[WHISPERS]
1226
00:50:53,093 --> 00:50:55,182
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LISTEN, BUTTHOLE.
1227
00:50:55,226 --> 00:50:56,662
WHY DON'T YOU QUIT
TRYIN' TO BE FUNNY,
1228
00:50:56,705 --> 00:50:57,793
BECAUSE
ALL YOU'RE DOIN'
1229
00:50:57,837 --> 00:50:58,751
IS PISSIN' ME OFF.
1230
00:50:58,794 --> 00:51:02,494
OH. UM, HEY.
THAT KIND OF SOUNDED
1231
00:51:02,537 --> 00:51:05,540
LIKE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
RIGHT THERE. HA HA!
1232
00:51:05,584 --> 00:51:06,802
Woman: YOU SUCK!
1233
00:51:06,846 --> 00:51:09,457
BUT SHE'S A LITTLE BIT
BIGGER THAN DAVE. HA HA!
1234
00:51:09,501 --> 00:51:11,198
Man: GET OFF, BIG NOSE.
1235
00:51:11,242 --> 00:51:12,721
ALL I'M SAYING IS,
1236
00:51:12,765 --> 00:51:14,680
I'M NOT VERY GOOD
WITH RELATIONSHIPS.
1237
00:51:14,723 --> 00:51:16,029
Woman: BORING.
1238
00:51:16,073 --> 00:51:17,378
THAT'S ALL I WAS TRYING
TO SAY RIGHT THERE. HA HA!
1239
00:51:17,422 --> 00:51:21,121
UM, HI. HOW ARE YOU DOING
THERE? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1240
00:51:21,165 --> 00:51:24,559
I HATE YOU!
1241
00:51:28,650 --> 00:51:31,436
OH, THIS ISN'T GOIN'
TOO WELL, IS IT?
1242
00:51:31,479 --> 00:51:34,743
WELL, WHY DON'T WE JUST
START OVER RIGHT NOW?
1243
00:51:34,787 --> 00:51:35,875
Man: GET OFF.
1244
00:51:35,918 --> 00:51:37,746
JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE.
I'M PRETTY FUNNY.
1245
00:51:37,790 --> 00:51:39,835
OK, LOOK.
HERE'S A GOOD JOKE.
1246
00:51:39,879 --> 00:51:41,010
UM, ALL RIGHT.
1247
00:51:41,054 --> 00:51:43,535
THERE'S A PROCTOLOGIST,
RIGHT? AND HE'S--
1248
00:51:43,578 --> 00:51:44,797
WE WANT DICKIE.
1249
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,755
WE WANT DICKIE.
1250
00:51:46,799 --> 00:51:48,583
WE WANT DICKIE.
1251
00:51:48,627 --> 00:51:50,455
WE WANT DICKIE.
1252
00:51:50,498 --> 00:51:51,412
WE WANT DICKIE.
1253
00:51:51,456 --> 00:51:53,458
HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
1254
00:51:53,501 --> 00:51:54,546
I MEAN, THE GUY IS DEAD.
1255
00:51:54,589 --> 00:51:56,591
YOU WANT TO HEAR
A CORPSE OR SOMETHING?
1256
00:51:56,635 --> 00:51:57,375
YOU KNOW WHAT?
1257
00:51:57,418 --> 00:51:58,593
A CORPSE
WOULD BE FUNNIER
1258
00:51:58,637 --> 00:52:00,421
THAN YOU ARE.
1259
00:52:00,987 --> 00:52:03,729
I WANT TO HEAR
CROAKER SING.
1260
00:52:03,772 --> 00:52:06,471
[CROWD CHEERING]
1261
00:52:17,525 --> 00:52:20,615
NO, NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
1262
00:52:20,659 --> 00:52:23,444
NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.
1263
00:52:23,488 --> 00:52:26,143
NO, NO, NO.
1264
00:52:27,709 --> 00:52:31,844
HEY. ALL RIGHT.
1265
00:52:31,887 --> 00:52:33,846
LET'S ROCK!
1266
00:52:33,889 --> 00:52:36,457
[SCREAMING]
1267
00:52:36,501 --> 00:52:39,286
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
1268
00:53:04,442 --> 00:53:08,576
♪ WELL, I'M ON THE PROWL
OUT THE CAT DOOR ♪
1269
00:53:08,620 --> 00:53:12,841
♪ 'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY ♪
1270
00:53:12,885 --> 00:53:15,931
♪ HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN ♪
1271
00:53:15,975 --> 00:53:21,023
♪ SERVING ME
SOME HOT, HOT TUNA ♪
1272
00:53:21,067 --> 00:53:22,721
♪ YEAH
1273
00:53:22,764 --> 00:53:26,551
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1274
00:53:26,594 --> 00:53:29,031
♪ UPSIDE HIS HEAD
1275
00:53:29,075 --> 00:53:30,337
♪ YEAH
1276
00:53:30,381 --> 00:53:33,949
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1277
00:53:33,993 --> 00:53:36,865
♪ YEAH, YEAH
1278
00:53:39,564 --> 00:53:42,871
♪ MEOW
1279
00:53:44,569 --> 00:53:48,529
♪ WELL, I CLIMB THE WALLS
OVER TAIL SO FINE ♪
1280
00:53:48,573 --> 00:53:52,577
♪ MY FURRY PAWS
WANT YOUR BEHIND ♪
1281
00:53:52,620 --> 00:53:55,797
♪ ALL COME FOR LOVE
TO ME ♪
1282
00:53:55,841 --> 00:54:01,325
♪ I'M SO WILD
AND SO IN HEAT ♪
1283
00:54:01,586 --> 00:54:02,456
♪ YEAH
1284
00:54:02,500 --> 00:54:06,373
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1285
00:54:06,417 --> 00:54:09,681
♪ UPSIDE THE HEAD
1286
00:54:09,724 --> 00:54:13,815
♪ GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1287
00:54:13,859 --> 00:54:16,470
♪ RIGHT NOW
1288
00:54:31,790 --> 00:54:35,315
♪ GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1289
00:54:35,794 --> 00:54:38,579
♪ UPSIDE HIS HEAD, YEAH
1290
00:54:38,623 --> 00:54:42,888
♪ I'M GONNA
SLAP YOUR CAT, BABY ♪
1291
00:54:42,931 --> 00:54:46,065
♪ YEAH, YEAH
1292
00:54:46,108 --> 00:54:49,547
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1293
00:54:51,766 --> 00:54:53,377
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
1294
00:54:53,420 --> 00:54:57,119
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
1295
00:54:57,163 --> 00:54:59,992
♪ YEAH, YEAH
1296
00:55:23,494 --> 00:55:24,451
GIVE ME THAT JACKET.
1297
00:55:24,495 --> 00:55:27,759
GIVE IT HERE.
GIVE IT UP.
1298
00:55:58,877 --> 00:56:00,531
I FAILED, MAN.
I FAILED.
1299
00:56:00,574 --> 00:56:03,577
KING NEPTUNE WAS WRONG.
NOBODY NEEDS ME.
1300
00:56:03,621 --> 00:56:04,709
KING NEPTUNE?
1301
00:56:04,752 --> 00:56:07,146
YEAH, KING NEPTUNE.
HE'S GOD OF THE SEA?
1302
00:56:07,189 --> 00:56:09,670
OH, THERE HE IS,
RIGHT OVER THERE.
1303
00:56:09,714 --> 00:56:11,585
Bob: OH.
1304
00:56:12,934 --> 00:56:16,416
SCHECKY, UH, CAN I
BE HONEST WITH YOU?
1305
00:56:16,460 --> 00:56:18,505
YEAH, BOB. YOU CAN
BE HONEST WITH ME.
1306
00:56:18,549 --> 00:56:21,465
COME ON.
LET'S TAKE A WALK.
1307
00:56:28,472 --> 00:56:32,127
SCHECKY,
I HATE COMEDIANS.
1308
00:56:32,171 --> 00:56:33,825
NOT ALL COMEDIANS,
THOUGH.
1309
00:56:33,868 --> 00:56:36,523
JUST 99% OF THEM.
1310
00:56:36,567 --> 00:56:37,568
SEE, TO ME,
1311
00:56:37,611 --> 00:56:39,744
STAND-UP COMEDY
IS SUCH A SAD THING.
1312
00:56:39,787 --> 00:56:41,136
I MEAN,
IT'S SO PATHETIC.
1313
00:56:41,180 --> 00:56:43,878
IT'S ABSOLUTELY THE
MOST DEGRADING THING
1314
00:56:43,922 --> 00:56:46,446
A HUMAN BEING CAN
PUT HIMSELF THROUGH,
1315
00:56:46,490 --> 00:56:48,579
STANDING UP
ON STAGE, ALONE,
1316
00:56:48,622 --> 00:56:49,710
TALKING
ABOUT HOW FAT
1317
00:56:49,754 --> 00:56:51,712
OR HOW BALD
OR HOW UGLY YOU ARE.
1318
00:56:51,756 --> 00:56:52,931
I MEAN,
SPILLING YOUR GUTS
1319
00:56:52,974 --> 00:56:54,149
ABOUT
YOUR FAMILY HISTORY
1320
00:56:54,193 --> 00:56:55,673
AND YOUR
ALCOHOLIC FATHER,
1321
00:56:55,716 --> 00:56:57,457
BLATANTLY BEGGING
THE AUDIENCE
1322
00:56:57,501 --> 00:56:59,024
TO LOVE YOU,
TO ACCEPT YOU,
1323
00:56:59,067 --> 00:56:59,938
AND GIVE YOU
THE LOVE
1324
00:56:59,981 --> 00:57:01,548
THAT YOU NEVER HAD
AS A CHILD.
1325
00:57:01,592 --> 00:57:02,941
IT'S PATHETIC,
SCHECKY.
1326
00:57:02,984 --> 00:57:04,246
IT'S AN EMPTY,
LOVELESS--
1327
00:57:04,290 --> 00:57:07,206
BOB. BOB, WHAT
ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?
1328
00:57:08,903 --> 00:57:10,905
LET ME
PUT IT THIS WAY.
1329
00:57:10,949 --> 00:57:13,952
COMEDY IS LIKE
THIS LIFE PRESERVER.
1330
00:57:13,995 --> 00:57:15,606
AHH! COMEDY IS ROUND
1331
00:57:15,649 --> 00:57:17,738
WITH ROPES HANGING
OFF OF IT. ALL RIGHT.
1332
00:57:17,782 --> 00:57:21,089
SEE, SCHECKY,
THAT WASN'T FUNNY.
1333
00:57:21,133 --> 00:57:22,656
I KNOW YOU
PROBABLY SAID THAT
1334
00:57:22,700 --> 00:57:24,745
TO MAKE ME LAUGH AND
TO LIKE YOU MORE,
1335
00:57:24,789 --> 00:57:26,530
BUT YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO, SEE?
1336
00:57:26,573 --> 00:57:27,661
I LIKE YOU
ENOUGH ALREADY.
1337
00:57:27,705 --> 00:57:29,228
BOB, STOP,
ALL RIGHT? STOP.
1338
00:57:29,271 --> 00:57:30,142
I'M GONNA
HAVE TO ASK YOU
1339
00:57:30,185 --> 00:57:31,752
TO STOP BEING
A PSYCHOANALYST
1340
00:57:31,796 --> 00:57:33,014
AND JUST--
YOU'RE TOO STUPID
1341
00:57:33,058 --> 00:57:34,581
TO TELL ME ANYTHING,
ALL RIGHT?
1342
00:57:34,625 --> 00:57:37,105
I LIKE COMEDY.
I LIKE BEING FUNNY.
1343
00:57:37,149 --> 00:57:38,803
THAT'S IT.
ALL RIGHT?
1344
00:57:38,846 --> 00:57:40,282
OK. OK.
1345
00:57:40,326 --> 00:57:41,762
THEN MAYBE
YOU SHOULD TRY
1346
00:57:41,806 --> 00:57:43,590
TELLING SOME JOKES
THIS TIME
1347
00:57:43,634 --> 00:57:45,113
INSTEAD OF JUST
BEING YOURSELF.
1348
00:57:45,157 --> 00:57:46,593
I MEAN, MAYBE
THAT WOULD WORK.
1349
00:57:46,637 --> 00:57:48,769
THAT IS A GREAT
IDEA, BOB. JOKES.
1350
00:57:48,813 --> 00:57:50,162
YOU HIT IT
RIGHT ON THE HEAD,
1351
00:57:50,205 --> 00:57:52,164
BUT FIRST,
LET'S SEE A MONTAGE
1352
00:57:52,207 --> 00:57:54,296
OF SOME BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
1353
00:57:54,340 --> 00:57:55,994
♪ DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO ♪
1354
00:57:56,037 --> 00:57:57,299
♪ DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO ♪
1355
00:57:57,343 --> 00:58:00,651
♪ OOH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
1356
00:58:00,694 --> 00:58:01,956
♪ DOO DOO DOO
DOO DOO DOO ♪
1357
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:06,221
♪ I MET A GENTLE WOMAN
1358
00:58:06,265 --> 00:58:10,617
♪ SHE TOOK MY HEART AWAY
1359
00:58:10,661 --> 00:58:14,142
♪ SHE SAID I HAD IT
COMIN' TO ME ♪
1360
00:58:14,186 --> 00:58:17,972
♪ THAT I WANTED IT
THAT WAY ♪
1361
00:58:18,016 --> 00:58:22,716
♪ I THINK ANY LOVIN'
IS GOOD LOVIN' ♪
1362
00:58:22,760 --> 00:58:24,805
♪ SO I TOOK WHAT
I COULD GET ♪
1363
00:58:24,849 --> 00:58:26,633
♪ YEAH, I TOOK
WHAT I COULD GET ♪
1364
00:58:26,677 --> 00:58:30,289
♪ OOH, SHE LOOKED AT ME
WITH THOSE BIG BROWN EYES ♪
1365
00:58:30,332 --> 00:58:34,162
♪ AND SAID,
YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET ♪
1366
00:58:34,206 --> 00:58:38,645
♪ B-B-BABY, YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHIN' YET ♪
1367
00:58:38,689 --> 00:58:39,820
♪ HERE'S SOMETHIN'
1368
00:58:39,864 --> 00:58:42,910
♪ HERE'S SOMETHIN'
YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ♪
1369
00:58:42,954 --> 00:58:46,871
♪ BABY, YOU AIN'T
SEEN NOTHIN' YET ♪
1370
00:58:46,914 --> 00:58:49,003
♪ YOU AIN'T BEEN
AROUND NOW, HONEY ♪
1371
00:58:49,047 --> 00:58:50,222
THE MEAT,
IT'S GOOD.
1372
00:58:50,265 --> 00:58:52,746
AND MORE.
1373
00:58:53,225 --> 00:58:57,708
I MEAN, IT'S...
IT'S A LOT.
1374
00:58:57,751 --> 00:59:00,014
PERFECT.
1375
00:59:00,058 --> 00:59:03,757
YOUR WIFE, SHE
MAKE THAT FOR YOU?
1376
00:59:03,801 --> 00:59:05,846
YES.
1377
00:59:05,890 --> 00:59:07,065
NICE WIFE.
1378
00:59:07,108 --> 00:59:08,719
UH-HUH.
1379
00:59:08,762 --> 00:59:11,765
I DON'T HAVE WIFE.
1380
00:59:12,636 --> 00:59:17,075
YOUR SALAMI,
IT'S VERY BIG.
1381
00:59:18,337 --> 00:59:21,340
BIG ENOUGH
FOR 2 PEOPLES.
1382
00:59:21,949 --> 00:59:25,562
BIG ENOUGH
FOR 3 PEOPLES.
1383
00:59:25,823 --> 00:59:30,044
THERE'S ENOUGH THERE FOR
WHOLE FAMILY OF PEOPLES
1384
00:59:30,088 --> 00:59:33,918
HAVEN'T EATEN
FOR WHOLE WEEKS.
1385
00:59:34,701 --> 00:59:37,095
CUT ME A LITTLE SLICE.
1386
00:59:37,138 --> 00:59:37,835
NO.
1387
00:59:37,878 --> 00:59:38,792
GIVE ME A LITTLE?
NO.
1388
00:59:38,836 --> 00:59:39,924
GIVE ME A LITTLE
HUNK!
1389
00:59:39,967 --> 00:59:40,794
NO.
WHY NOT?
1390
00:59:40,838 --> 00:59:41,752
GIVE ME A LITTLE.
NO.
1391
00:59:41,795 --> 00:59:42,753
GIVE ME A LITTLE
HUNK!
1392
00:59:42,796 --> 00:59:44,624
NO, NO.
SON OF A BITCH.
1393
00:59:44,668 --> 00:59:46,800
GIVE ME YOUR SALAMI.
1394
00:59:46,844 --> 00:59:49,281
[ARGUING]
1395
00:59:51,892 --> 00:59:54,112
IS THIS THE WAY
GENERALS WEAR THEM?
1396
00:59:54,155 --> 00:59:55,417
YES. SIÍ.
1397
00:59:55,461 --> 00:59:57,768
HA HA! THIS ONE
GOES UP, OVER,
1398
00:59:57,811 --> 00:59:58,899
AND THIS ONE
GOES UNDER?
1399
00:59:58,943 --> 01:00:01,336
SIÍ.ONE MOVES UP,
ONE--HEH HEH!
1400
01:00:01,380 --> 01:00:04,035
YOU KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER
SAYS ABOUT YOU?
1401
01:00:04,078 --> 01:00:05,079
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
1402
01:00:05,123 --> 01:00:06,951
SHE SAYS YOU'RE
AN UNTRAINED ANIMAL.
1403
01:00:06,994 --> 01:00:08,735
HA HA!
HEH HEH!
1404
01:00:08,779 --> 01:00:11,346
BUT YOU SHOULD HEAR
WHAT MY FATHER SAYS.
1405
01:00:11,390 --> 01:00:14,872
NO, I--I CAN'T.
NO, NO, NO.
1406
01:00:14,915 --> 01:00:16,090
GO TO THE SHIP.
1407
01:00:16,134 --> 01:00:18,876
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
1408
01:00:18,919 --> 01:00:20,878
WHAT IS IT, ROBINSON CRUSOE?
1409
01:00:20,921 --> 01:00:22,183
WHAT DOES
YOUR FATHER SAY?
1410
01:00:22,227 --> 01:00:24,925
OH, NO, NO.
MY FATHER DOESN'T--NO.
1411
01:00:24,969 --> 01:00:27,275
I PROMISED HIM,
PINKY SWEAR.
1412
01:00:27,319 --> 01:00:28,320
HE SAID
I COULDN'T TELL.
1413
01:00:28,363 --> 01:00:30,278
WELL, DOES HE
LIKE ME, OR NO?
1414
01:00:30,322 --> 01:00:33,020
UH, HE SAYS
HE HAS TO LIKE YOU.
1415
01:00:33,064 --> 01:00:35,196
HA HA!
HA HA!
1416
01:00:35,240 --> 01:00:38,156
I DON'T THINK
HE VOTED FOR YOU, THOUGH.
1417
01:00:38,199 --> 01:00:42,290
OH, WELL, WE'LL...
WE FORGIVE THAT.
1418
01:00:42,334 --> 01:00:43,857
HEH HEH!
HA HA!
1419
01:00:43,901 --> 01:00:45,772
I'LL TELL
MY FATHER THAT.
1420
01:00:45,816 --> 01:00:47,687
THAT YOU'LL
LET HIM OUT OF JAIL.
1421
01:00:47,731 --> 01:00:48,906
HA HA!
HEH HEH!
1422
01:00:48,949 --> 01:00:49,733
NOT YET.
1423
01:00:49,776 --> 01:00:51,865
YES, I WILL.
COUPLE YEARS.
1424
01:00:51,909 --> 01:00:54,781
HA HA!
HA HA!
1425
01:00:54,825 --> 01:00:56,000
A COUPLE YEARS?
1426
01:00:56,043 --> 01:00:59,090
WELL,
HE'S NOT THAT OLD.
1427
01:00:59,133 --> 01:01:02,746
HOO HOO!
HA HA!
1428
01:01:02,789 --> 01:01:03,964
OH, YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
1429
01:01:04,008 --> 01:01:04,922
YOU ARE REALLY BAD.
1430
01:01:04,965 --> 01:01:06,445
NO, NO, NO, NO.
HE'S A GOOD MAN.
1431
01:01:06,488 --> 01:01:08,926
IN A COUPLE YEARS,
HE'LL--
1432
01:01:08,969 --> 01:01:09,840
COUPLE YEARS?
1433
01:01:09,883 --> 01:01:12,407
WELL, YES.
HE FIND PHILOSOPHY.
1434
01:01:12,451 --> 01:01:13,321
FOR WHAT?
1435
01:01:13,365 --> 01:01:15,846
HE FIND PHILOSOPHY
IN THE CAN.
1436
01:01:15,889 --> 01:01:16,673
HA HA!
1437
01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:18,370
IS THAT
WHERE YOU FIND IT?
1438
01:01:18,413 --> 01:01:20,851
SURE. IN THE CAN.
1439
01:01:22,113 --> 01:01:24,985
YOU WEAR
THESE FUCKIN' THINGS?
1440
01:01:25,029 --> 01:01:26,030
LOOK AT YOU.
1441
01:01:26,073 --> 01:01:28,336
NICE FUCKIN'
PATENT LEATHER FUCKER.
1442
01:01:28,380 --> 01:01:31,731
RIDICULOUS FUCKIN' SHOES
YOU'RE WEARING.
1443
01:01:31,775 --> 01:01:33,951
YOU WEARING THESE?
1444
01:01:35,561 --> 01:01:36,954
NOTHIN' GOOD FOR THAT.
1445
01:01:36,997 --> 01:01:39,826
THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOOD FOR
BANGIN' ON THE FUCKIN' DOOR.
1446
01:01:39,870 --> 01:01:40,914
HELLO.
1447
01:01:40,958 --> 01:01:43,003
I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
IT IS, MAYBE NOT.
1448
01:01:43,047 --> 01:01:44,048
I DON'T THINK
IT'S GROUNDS
1449
01:01:44,091 --> 01:01:45,310
FOR LEGAL ACTION,
CROAKIE.
1450
01:01:45,353 --> 01:01:46,398
THAT'S
ALL I'M SAYIN'.
1451
01:01:46,441 --> 01:01:47,355
I DON'T THINK IT IS.
1452
01:01:47,399 --> 01:01:49,009
I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT COSTS, MAN.
1453
01:01:49,053 --> 01:01:51,446
I WANT THAT GUY SUED,
ALL RIGHT?
1454
01:01:51,490 --> 01:01:52,752
I'M SINGIN' MY SONG,
1455
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:54,449
AND I MADE IT VERY
CLEAR TO THAT GUY
1456
01:01:54,493 --> 01:01:57,061
I WANTED TO BE SHOT
FROM A HIGHER ANGLE.
1457
01:01:57,104 --> 01:01:59,019
HE SHOOTS ME
FROM STRAIGHT ON,
1458
01:01:59,063 --> 01:02:02,022
IT MAKES MY NOSE
LOOK ABSOLUTELY HUGE.
1459
01:02:02,066 --> 01:02:03,328
MY FANS ARE NOT
GONNA ACCEPT--
1460
01:02:03,371 --> 01:02:04,372
Dickie: HEY. HEY.
1461
01:02:04,416 --> 01:02:05,547
HEY, LET ME OUT.
IT'S DICKIE DIAMOND.
1462
01:02:05,591 --> 01:02:07,332
I'M IN
THE FUCKIN' BATHROOM.
1463
01:02:07,375 --> 01:02:11,902
WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THAT THAT--
1464
01:02:11,945 --> 01:02:13,033
OOH,
THAT'S THAT GUY.
1465
01:02:13,077 --> 01:02:16,254
THAT'S THE DEAD GUY,
THE COMEDIAN.
1466
01:02:16,297 --> 01:02:17,995
WHOA, MAN,
THIS IS WEIRD,
1467
01:02:18,038 --> 01:02:19,213
BECAUSE IF HE'S DEAD--
1468
01:02:19,257 --> 01:02:21,955
IF HE'S DEAD, HOW
COULD HE BE SCREAMIN'?
1469
01:02:21,999 --> 01:02:23,391
I DON'T KNOW,
CROAKIE.
1470
01:02:23,435 --> 01:02:24,218
MAYBE IT'S HIS--
1471
01:02:24,262 --> 01:02:26,003
MAYBE
IT'S HIS GHOST.
1472
01:02:26,046 --> 01:02:27,091
Dickie: LET ME OUT.
1473
01:02:27,134 --> 01:02:28,832
WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
YOU'RE SCARIN' ME.
1474
01:02:28,875 --> 01:02:29,746
YEAH.
1475
01:02:29,789 --> 01:02:30,659
DON'T SCARE ME
LIKE THAT, MAN.
1476
01:02:30,703 --> 01:02:32,139
I CAN'T TAKE
THIS GHOST STUFF.
1477
01:02:32,183 --> 01:02:33,880
HOW DO I
GET OFF THIS BOAT?
1478
01:02:33,924 --> 01:02:34,881
[DICKIE POUNDS]
1479
01:02:34,925 --> 01:02:38,058
LET ME OUT, YOU FUCKS.
1480
01:02:38,102 --> 01:02:39,407
THIS SHIP
IS HAUNTED, MAN.
1481
01:02:39,451 --> 01:02:41,888
GET ME OFF THIS SHIP.
THIS SHIP IS HAUNTED.
1482
01:02:41,932 --> 01:02:45,196
I GOTTA GET
OFF THIS SHIP, MAN.
1483
01:02:45,239 --> 01:02:46,414
CROAKIE,
LISTEN TO ME.
1484
01:02:46,458 --> 01:02:48,329
LISTEN.
LISTEN TO ME.
1485
01:02:48,373 --> 01:02:50,810
LISTEN TO ME,
CROAKIE.
1486
01:02:53,073 --> 01:02:54,901
LET ME OUT, YOU LITTLE FUCK.
1487
01:02:54,945 --> 01:02:56,163
Croaker: HELP ME.
HELP ME GET OFF THIS BOAT.
1488
01:02:56,207 --> 01:02:57,904
HELP ME. I GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE NOW.
1489
01:02:57,948 --> 01:03:00,472
NO. NO.
I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
1490
01:03:00,515 --> 01:03:02,039
[VOICES FADE]
1491
01:03:02,082 --> 01:03:05,956
NO. MOTHERFUCKERS.
1492
01:03:11,483 --> 01:03:15,095
THESE FUCKIN' FAG SOCKS
YOU'VE BEEN WEARIN'.
1493
01:03:15,139 --> 01:03:17,794
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
1494
01:03:18,925 --> 01:03:20,927
OH, FUCK.
1495
01:03:20,971 --> 01:03:25,453
[SNIFFS] SHIT.
THAT'S TWICE AS BAD.
1496
01:03:25,497 --> 01:03:27,412
MAYBE I CAN
GO OUT THROUGH THERE.
1497
01:03:27,455 --> 01:03:30,937
FUCK, IT'S A TOILET.
FLUSH MYSELF OUT.
1498
01:03:30,981 --> 01:03:33,897
COME ON, SOMEBODY. PLEASE?
1499
01:03:34,985 --> 01:03:35,855
AHA!
1500
01:03:35,899 --> 01:03:36,595
YOU CHEATED.
1501
01:03:36,638 --> 01:03:37,465
THAT'S NOT CHEATING.
1502
01:03:37,509 --> 01:03:38,684
THAT'S CHEATIN'.
NN-NN.
1503
01:03:38,727 --> 01:03:40,077
ARE YOU GONNA WEAR THAT
FOR YOUR COMEDY ACT?
1504
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:42,470
OH, I WAS THINKIN'
OF IT. YEAH.
1505
01:03:42,514 --> 01:03:43,602
NO. NO.
1506
01:03:43,645 --> 01:03:44,733
I THINK YOU SHOULD
WEAR YOUR PINK SHIRT.
1507
01:03:44,777 --> 01:03:45,952
OH. OH. WELL, IF I'M
GONNA CHANGE SHIRTS,
1508
01:03:45,996 --> 01:03:47,214
I'LL PROBABLY JUST
WEAR MY GREEN SHIRT.
1509
01:03:47,258 --> 01:03:49,303
NO, NO, NO. THE PINK
SHIRT SHOWS OFF YOUR TAN.
1510
01:03:49,347 --> 01:03:50,391
OH.
IT'S A NICE SHIRT.
1511
01:03:50,435 --> 01:03:51,610
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BUT I LIKE GREEN.
1512
01:03:51,653 --> 01:03:52,654
THE GREEN SHIRT
WOULD BE BETTER.
1513
01:03:52,698 --> 01:03:54,047
THE PINK IS MUCH
BETTER, MUCH BETTER.
1514
01:03:54,091 --> 01:03:54,874
NO, I'M GONNA--
1515
01:03:54,918 --> 01:03:55,875
SEE, GREEN--LUCK
IS GREEN.
1516
01:03:55,919 --> 01:03:57,268
NO, NO, NO.
PINK. PINK.
1517
01:03:57,311 --> 01:03:58,399
I LIKE GREEN.
PINK.
1518
01:03:58,443 --> 01:03:59,444
GREEN IS GOOD.
PINK. PINK.
1519
01:03:59,487 --> 01:04:00,619
GREEN. GREEN
IS WHAT I--
1520
01:04:00,662 --> 01:04:01,446
PINK.
GREEN.
1521
01:04:01,489 --> 01:04:02,621
GREEN. GREEN.
PINK. PINK.
1522
01:04:02,664 --> 01:04:03,970
PINK.
GREEN.
1523
01:04:04,014 --> 01:04:05,058
WHY DON'T YOU
WEAR 'EM BOTH?
1524
01:04:05,102 --> 01:04:06,190
YEAH.
I COULD DO THAT.
1525
01:04:06,233 --> 01:04:07,931
OK.
YEAH.
1526
01:04:10,542 --> 01:04:13,197
WHERE ARE WE?
1527
01:04:13,240 --> 01:04:15,982
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE OCEAN.
1528
01:04:16,026 --> 01:04:18,942
I KNOW WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN,
1529
01:04:18,985 --> 01:04:19,943
YOU IDIOT.
1530
01:04:19,986 --> 01:04:22,293
WHERE IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE OCEAN?
1531
01:04:22,336 --> 01:04:26,688
WHO DO I LOOK LIKE
TO YOU, A COMPASS?
1532
01:04:26,732 --> 01:04:29,909
YOU A NAVIGATOR,
STUPID.
1533
01:04:29,953 --> 01:04:33,130
YOU ARE NAVIGATOR,
STUPID.
1534
01:04:33,173 --> 01:04:34,348
DUMB STUPID.
1535
01:04:34,392 --> 01:04:36,524
WHO IS
HOLDING THE MAP?
1536
01:04:36,568 --> 01:04:39,614
WHO IS HOLDING
MAP?
1537
01:04:39,658 --> 01:04:41,965
OH. I AM.
1538
01:04:42,008 --> 01:04:44,968
SO YOU
ARE NAVIGATOR.
1539
01:04:48,536 --> 01:04:50,060
OK. GIVE IT TO ME.
1540
01:04:50,103 --> 01:04:51,409
OH, NO.
GIVE IT TO ME.
1541
01:04:51,452 --> 01:04:52,453
I AM NAVIGATOR.
1542
01:04:52,497 --> 01:04:53,411
GIVE IT TO ME.
1543
01:04:53,454 --> 01:04:54,455
I AM NAVIGATOR.
1544
01:04:54,499 --> 01:04:55,239
GIVE IT TO ME.
1545
01:04:55,282 --> 01:04:57,241
LOOK WHAT
YOU ARE DOING.
1546
01:04:57,284 --> 01:04:59,112
OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT THAT.
1547
01:04:59,156 --> 01:05:00,026
HUH?
1548
01:05:00,070 --> 01:05:01,027
OH!
UH!
1549
01:05:01,071 --> 01:05:03,029
UH!
OH!
1550
01:05:03,073 --> 01:05:04,030
OH!
OH!
1551
01:05:04,074 --> 01:05:06,206
MY MAP.
MY MAP.
1552
01:05:06,250 --> 01:05:07,991
I WANT
MY MAP.
1553
01:05:08,034 --> 01:05:09,644
I WANT TO JUST
TELL YOU THANK YOU
1554
01:05:09,688 --> 01:05:11,081
FOR GIVING ME
ANOTHER CHANCE UP HERE.
1555
01:05:11,124 --> 01:05:13,344
YOU'RE REALLY NICE TO ME.
I APPRECIATE IT,
1556
01:05:13,387 --> 01:05:14,345
AND I SWEAR THIS TIME,
1557
01:05:14,388 --> 01:05:15,563
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BE DISAPPOINTED,
1558
01:05:15,607 --> 01:05:18,305
BECAUSE, WELL, I'VE
BEEN WORKIN' ON AN ACT.
1559
01:05:18,349 --> 01:05:19,132
Man: WHO CARES?
1560
01:05:19,176 --> 01:05:20,177
YEAH. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
1561
01:05:20,220 --> 01:05:22,048
WELL, I FIGURED
I'D BEGIN OFF--
1562
01:05:22,092 --> 01:05:23,571
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
HAPPENED TO ME INSIDE.
1563
01:05:23,615 --> 01:05:26,313
THERE WAS AN OLD LADY
IN THERE, RIGHT,
1564
01:05:26,357 --> 01:05:27,619
AND THESE 4 GUYS WERE, LIKE,
1565
01:05:27,662 --> 01:05:29,229
REALLY MESSIN' WITH HER
AND GIVIN' HER TROUBLE,
1566
01:05:29,273 --> 01:05:32,276
THESE REALLY--HOODLUMS,
BAD-LOOKIN' CHARACTERS,
1567
01:05:32,319 --> 01:05:34,974
AND ONE OF 'EM
STOLE HER PURSE,
1568
01:05:35,018 --> 01:05:36,019
AND ANOTHER ONE--
1569
01:05:36,062 --> 01:05:36,758
I WAS WATCHIN'
THIS THE WHOLE TIME--
1570
01:05:36,802 --> 01:05:37,977
GRABBED HER BY THE RING
1571
01:05:38,021 --> 01:05:39,326
AND WAS TRYIN' TO YANK
HER WEDDING RING OFF.
1572
01:05:39,370 --> 01:05:40,545
IT WAS VERY EXPENSIVE,
I GUESS,
1573
01:05:40,588 --> 01:05:41,807
'CAUSE SHE WAS
FIGHTING AND FIGHTING.
1574
01:05:41,850 --> 01:05:43,983
SHE WAS SCREAMING,
"HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME."
1575
01:05:44,027 --> 01:05:45,202
FINALLY, I COULDN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE.
1576
01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:47,465
I RAN OVER TO THE GUY.
I SAID, "HEY, BUDDY,
1577
01:05:47,508 --> 01:05:49,293
"WHY DON'T YOU PUT
SOME BUTTER ON HER FINGER
1578
01:05:49,336 --> 01:05:51,469
AND THE RING
WILL SLIDE RIGHT OFF."
1579
01:05:51,512 --> 01:05:55,038
Woman: YOU SUCK, LOSER.
1580
01:05:55,081 --> 01:05:56,082
EKEBEM?
1581
01:05:56,126 --> 01:05:56,778
WHAT?
1582
01:05:56,822 --> 01:05:58,084
DO YOU LIKE ME?
1583
01:05:58,128 --> 01:05:58,998
NO.
1584
01:05:59,042 --> 01:05:59,999
NOT AT ALL?
1585
01:06:00,043 --> 01:06:01,087
NOT AT ALL.
1586
01:06:01,131 --> 01:06:03,960
I LIKE YOU.
1587
01:06:04,699 --> 01:06:05,700
SO?
1588
01:06:05,744 --> 01:06:08,181
SO, YOU SHOULD
LIKE ME, TOO,
1589
01:06:08,225 --> 01:06:10,401
YOU KNOW?
1590
01:06:13,143 --> 01:06:14,622
IT'S A BOAT.
1591
01:06:14,666 --> 01:06:15,580
IT'S A BOAT.
1592
01:06:15,623 --> 01:06:16,624
THE BOAT.
THE BOAT.
1593
01:06:16,668 --> 01:06:17,799
THE BOAT.
THE BOAT.
1594
01:06:17,843 --> 01:06:18,713
IT'S A BOAT.
1595
01:06:18,757 --> 01:06:20,193
MISS AUSTRALIA,
YOU ARE DEAD!
1596
01:06:20,237 --> 01:06:21,107
IT'S A BOAT.
1597
01:06:21,151 --> 01:06:23,370
YOU ARE DEAD,
MISS AUSTRALIA!
1598
01:06:23,414 --> 01:06:25,111
WELL, DON'T THINK
I'M A BAD GUY,
1599
01:06:25,155 --> 01:06:27,070
'CAUSE I'M NOT A BAD GUY.
I'M PRETTY COOL.
1600
01:06:27,113 --> 01:06:27,984
I MEAN, I HAVE A CONSCIENCE,
1601
01:06:28,027 --> 01:06:29,115
THAT'S WHAT
I'M TRYIN' TO SAY.
1602
01:06:29,159 --> 01:06:30,290
LIKE, WHEN I WAS A KID,
1603
01:06:30,334 --> 01:06:31,639
I USED TO STEAL
ALKA-SELTZER ALL THE TIME,
1604
01:06:31,683 --> 01:06:34,512
AND I'D FEED THE SEAGULLS,
AND THEY'D BLOW UP.
1605
01:06:34,555 --> 01:06:35,556
First woman: PU!
1606
01:06:35,600 --> 01:06:38,081
Second woman:
WE LIKE 'EM BIG, BOY.
1607
01:06:38,124 --> 01:06:39,038
BOO!
BOO!
1608
01:06:39,082 --> 01:06:40,083
Man: HEY, IDIOT.
1609
01:06:40,126 --> 01:06:41,127
I DON'T GET IT.
1610
01:06:41,171 --> 01:06:42,607
I THINK THIS IS FUNNY.
1611
01:06:42,650 --> 01:06:45,566
IS IT ME? DO I HAVE NO IDEA
OF WHAT MAKES PEOPLE LAUGH?
1612
01:06:45,610 --> 01:06:49,309
DO I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
THE ART OF COMEDY?
1613
01:06:49,353 --> 01:06:50,354
HMM.
1614
01:06:50,397 --> 01:06:54,358
I WONDER WHAT
MILTON BERLE WOULD DO
1615
01:06:54,401 --> 01:06:55,533
IF HE WAS IN THAT SPOT.
1616
01:06:55,576 --> 01:06:59,276
Milton Berle: HEY,
KID, YOU GOT A LIGHT?
1617
01:06:59,667 --> 01:07:03,758
THAT--THAT SOUNDED
LIKE MILTON BERLE.
1618
01:07:04,759 --> 01:07:06,674
ARE YOU MILTON BERLE?
1619
01:07:06,718 --> 01:07:09,677
IF IT'S NOT, I HAD
A LOT OF FUN WITH HIS WIFE.
1620
01:07:09,721 --> 01:07:11,636
WERE YOU JUST
TALKING TO YOURSELF?
1621
01:07:11,679 --> 01:07:15,335
DID I HEAR YOU SAY
YOU WERE A STAND-UP COMIC?
1622
01:07:15,379 --> 01:07:16,467
YES, SIR.
1623
01:07:16,510 --> 01:07:18,773
HEY, PRETTY GOOD LOOKIN'
FOR ONE OF THEM,
1624
01:07:18,817 --> 01:07:22,081
AND I LOVE THAT SHIRT
YOU'RE WEARIN'.
1625
01:07:22,560 --> 01:07:25,302
YOU NEVER THROW
ANYTHING AWAY, DO YOU?
1626
01:07:25,345 --> 01:07:26,477
I'M KIDDIN'.
1627
01:07:26,520 --> 01:07:27,652
SIT DOWN.
HAVE A SEAT.
1628
01:07:27,695 --> 01:07:30,089
RIGHT HERE
AT YOUR TABLE?
1629
01:07:30,133 --> 01:07:32,526
NO, IN THE KITCHEN.
1630
01:07:32,570 --> 01:07:36,400
THANK YOU, MR. BERLE.
1631
01:07:37,531 --> 01:07:38,706
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1632
01:07:38,750 --> 01:07:40,230
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
1633
01:07:40,273 --> 01:07:42,667
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
1634
01:07:42,710 --> 01:07:44,234
WITH A NAME LIKE THAT,
1635
01:07:44,277 --> 01:07:45,670
YOU SHOULD GET
A LAUGH RIGHT AWAY.
1636
01:07:45,713 --> 01:07:48,281
SO, KID, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
1637
01:07:48,325 --> 01:07:49,413
YOU'RE THINKIN'
ABOUT SOMETHING.
1638
01:07:49,456 --> 01:07:53,112
TELL ME,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
1639
01:07:53,156 --> 01:07:56,333
WELL, MILTON--
OH, I'M SORRY--
1640
01:07:56,376 --> 01:07:57,638
MR. BERLE,
1641
01:07:57,682 --> 01:08:01,164
I NEED YOUR ADVICE
ON GETTING LAUGHS.
1642
01:08:01,207 --> 01:08:04,645
I WAS ON THIS SHIP,
AND I DID MY ACT,
1643
01:08:04,689 --> 01:08:06,125
AND NOBODY LAUGHED,
1644
01:08:06,169 --> 01:08:08,127
AND I COULDN'T
UNDERSTAND WHY.
1645
01:08:08,171 --> 01:08:11,391
TELL ME ONE OF THE JOKES
THAT YOU DID ON THE SHIP.
1646
01:08:11,435 --> 01:08:13,219
OH, ALL RIGHT. OK.
ALL RIGHT.
1647
01:08:13,263 --> 01:08:15,569
THERE ARE THESE TWO
HOODLUMS, RIGHT,
1648
01:08:15,613 --> 01:08:17,136
AND THEY SEE
THIS OLD LADY,
1649
01:08:17,180 --> 01:08:19,399
AND THIS LADY'S GOT
THIS BIG RING ON,
1650
01:08:19,443 --> 01:08:20,400
SO THEY RUN OVER
1651
01:08:20,444 --> 01:08:21,488
AND THEY START
YANKING ON HER RING,
1652
01:08:21,532 --> 01:08:22,402
AND THEY'RE PULLIN'
ON THE RING,
1653
01:08:22,446 --> 01:08:23,403
AND THIS LADY'S
LOOKIN' AT ME,
1654
01:08:23,447 --> 01:08:24,665
GOIN', "HELP ME,
HELP ME, HELP ME,"
1655
01:08:24,709 --> 01:08:25,927
AND, YOU KNOW, I HAD
TO DO SOMETHIN',
1656
01:08:25,971 --> 01:08:27,538
SO I RUN OVER TO
THE HOODLUMS, RIGHT?
1657
01:08:27,581 --> 01:08:28,930
HOLD IT.
1658
01:08:28,974 --> 01:08:30,541
HOODLUMS?
1659
01:08:30,584 --> 01:08:32,934
IS THIS
THE BUTTER JOKE?
1660
01:08:32,978 --> 01:08:35,285
YEAH.
THAT'S THE JOKE.
1661
01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,200
NO WONDER
THEY DIDN'T LAUGH.
1662
01:08:37,243 --> 01:08:40,681
WERE THERE ANY HOODLUMS
OR GANGSTERS IN THE AUDIENCE
1663
01:08:40,725 --> 01:08:42,640
WHEN YOU TOLD THAT JOKE?
1664
01:08:42,683 --> 01:08:44,163
UH, NO. I TOLD IT
1665
01:08:44,207 --> 01:08:45,643
TO A BUNCH
OF BEAUTY QUEENS.
1666
01:08:45,686 --> 01:08:48,428
BEAUTY QUEENS?
OH, NO.
1667
01:08:48,472 --> 01:08:50,300
AND THEN I
TOLD THEM THE ONE
1668
01:08:50,343 --> 01:08:52,780
ABOUT BLOWING UP
THE SEAGULLS.
1669
01:08:52,824 --> 01:08:56,393
BLOWING UP SEAGULLS.
1670
01:08:56,436 --> 01:09:01,398
KID, YOU'RE USING
THE WRONG TECHNIQUE.
1671
01:09:01,441 --> 01:09:03,748
YOUNG MAN,
COME OVER HERE JUST--
1672
01:09:03,791 --> 01:09:06,620
HAVE YOU GOT
A PENCIL ON YOU?
1673
01:09:06,664 --> 01:09:07,447
YES, SIR.
1674
01:09:07,491 --> 01:09:08,448
WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
1675
01:09:08,492 --> 01:09:09,449
YOU GOT A PAD?
SURE.
1676
01:09:09,493 --> 01:09:10,363
THAT'S IT.
THANK YOU.
1677
01:09:10,407 --> 01:09:13,192
ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOU'RE WORKIN'.
1678
01:09:13,236 --> 01:09:15,412
SCHECKY...
1679
01:09:15,803 --> 01:09:16,935
ALL RIGHT.
1680
01:09:16,978 --> 01:09:19,416
DON'T MAKE A WHOLE
FEDERAL CASE OUT OF IT.
1681
01:09:19,459 --> 01:09:21,287
WHAT I'D LIKE YOU
TO DO NOW,
1682
01:09:21,331 --> 01:09:23,289
WRITE THESE GAGS DOWN,
SCHECKY.
1683
01:09:23,333 --> 01:09:25,465
I THINK ALL THOSE
BEAUTIFUL QUEENS
1684
01:09:25,509 --> 01:09:26,945
WILL IDENTIFY WITH THEM.
1685
01:09:26,988 --> 01:09:28,860
LAST WEEK,
I DATED A GIRL
1686
01:09:28,903 --> 01:09:31,819
THAT HAD EVERYTHING
A MAN WOULD WANT--
1687
01:09:31,863 --> 01:09:34,648
MUSTACHE,
HAIR UNDER THE ARMS,
1688
01:09:34,692 --> 01:09:36,389
BUSHY EYEBROWS.
1689
01:09:36,433 --> 01:09:38,261
YOU TALK ABOUT
THE SAME GIRL.
1690
01:09:38,304 --> 01:09:39,697
YOU SAY,
WHAT A NOSE.
1691
01:09:39,740 --> 01:09:42,874
SHE HAD TO LIFT IT
TO EAT.
1692
01:09:43,570 --> 01:09:44,832
AND FOLLOW
THAT UP WITH,
1693
01:09:44,876 --> 01:09:47,270
ONE GOOD LIPSTICK
BROUGHT OUT HER LIPS,
1694
01:09:47,313 --> 01:09:49,968
AND ONE GOOD SNEEZE
BROUGHT OUT HER TEETH.
1695
01:09:50,011 --> 01:09:52,623
THIS GIRL HAD VERY
AFFECTIONATE EYES.
1696
01:09:52,666 --> 01:09:55,626
THEY ALWAYS KEPT
LOOKIN' AT EACH OTHER.
1697
01:09:55,669 --> 01:09:56,931
THIS SHOULD BE A BOFFO.
1698
01:09:56,975 --> 01:09:58,672
AND WHEN SHE
OPENED ONE EYE,
1699
01:09:58,716 --> 01:10:02,937
ALL SHE COULD SEE
WAS THE OTHER ONE.
1700
01:10:02,981 --> 01:10:05,679
AND HER BOOBS
WERE VERY SMALL...
1701
01:10:05,723 --> 01:10:09,683
SO SMALL, SHE HAD TO CARRY
HER NIPPLES IN HER POCKET.
1702
01:10:09,727 --> 01:10:12,251
NOW, YOU TRY
THOSE JOKES, SCHECKY.
1703
01:10:12,295 --> 01:10:16,255
THEY'LL ALL WORK.
THEY ALWAYS DID.
1704
01:10:16,299 --> 01:10:18,997
WELL, SO LONG, KID.
1705
01:10:19,040 --> 01:10:20,346
LOTS OF GOOD LUCK.
1706
01:10:20,390 --> 01:10:21,478
THANK YOU,
MR. BERLE.
1707
01:10:21,521 --> 01:10:24,394
OH, UH,
ONE MORE THING.
1708
01:10:24,437 --> 01:10:28,702
SCHECKY, ALWAYS REMEMBER
THAT YOU'RE A COMIC,
1709
01:10:28,746 --> 01:10:31,618
THAT YOU POSSESS
THE STRONGEST WEAPON
1710
01:10:31,662 --> 01:10:33,403
FOR BRINGING
PEOPLE TOGETHER
1711
01:10:33,446 --> 01:10:34,882
AND MAKING THEM
FEEL HAPPY.
1712
01:10:34,926 --> 01:10:39,060
THERE'S NOTHING MORE
IMPORTANT IN THE WORLD
1713
01:10:39,104 --> 01:10:42,977
THAN THE POWER
OF LAUGHTER.
1714
01:10:43,021 --> 01:10:45,545
REMEMBER THAT.
1715
01:10:45,589 --> 01:10:47,982
BYE-BYE.
1716
01:10:53,510 --> 01:10:57,078
WHOA.
THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
1717
01:10:57,122 --> 01:11:00,299
KING NEPTUNE WAS TALKIN'
ABOUT THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
1718
01:11:00,343 --> 01:11:02,388
MAYBE THIS PHRASE
IS GONNA, LIKE,
1719
01:11:02,432 --> 01:11:03,824
TIE THE WHOLE STORY
TOGETHER
1720
01:11:03,868 --> 01:11:06,566
IN SOME CLEVER WAY
OR SOMETHING.
1721
01:11:06,610 --> 01:11:08,351
HMM.
1722
01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:09,526
UH, WHERE AM I GOIN'?
1723
01:11:09,569 --> 01:11:10,831
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW.
1724
01:11:10,875 --> 01:11:12,398
I'M WALKIN' AROUND LIKE
I KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN'.
1725
01:11:12,442 --> 01:11:13,921
I DON'T KNOW WHAT--
LET'S SEE.
1726
01:11:13,965 --> 01:11:15,314
HOW DO I GET
BACK TO THE SHIP?
1727
01:11:15,358 --> 01:11:18,361
MAYBE I SHOULD USE SOME,
LIKE, MAGICAL COMEDY PHRASE.
1728
01:11:18,404 --> 01:11:19,927
I'LL TRY THAT. UM, OK.
1729
01:11:19,971 --> 01:11:23,322
WHY'D THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD?
1730
01:11:23,366 --> 01:11:24,584
NOTHIN'. NAH. NO GOOD.
1731
01:11:24,628 --> 01:11:29,546
UM, WHY DO FIREMEN
WEAR RED SUSPENDERS?
1732
01:11:29,589 --> 01:11:30,677
NO GOOD. NOTHIN'.
1733
01:11:30,721 --> 01:11:33,811
UM, OK. UH,
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
1734
01:11:33,854 --> 01:11:35,682
OOH. THAT'S THE ONE,
RIGHT THERE.
1735
01:11:35,726 --> 01:11:37,902
RIGHT THERE.
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
1736
01:11:37,945 --> 01:11:39,730
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
1737
01:11:39,773 --> 01:11:42,036
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
1738
01:11:42,080 --> 01:11:44,430
TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE.
1739
01:11:44,474 --> 01:11:46,650
[APPRECIATIVE LAUGHTER]
1740
01:11:46,693 --> 01:11:49,522
HEY. HEY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1741
01:11:49,566 --> 01:11:51,698
THANKS A LOT.
THANK YOU, BABY.
1742
01:11:51,742 --> 01:11:53,570
ALL RIGHT.
1743
01:11:54,919 --> 01:11:57,138
HO HO HO!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1744
01:11:57,182 --> 01:11:59,053
THANK YOU.
I APPRECIATE IT.
1745
01:11:59,097 --> 01:12:00,533
WELL, ANYWAY,
SO I SEE THIS GUY
1746
01:12:00,577 --> 01:12:01,752
ON THE STREET
THE OTHER DAY, RIGHT?
1747
01:12:01,795 --> 01:12:03,057
HE TELLS ME
HE'S GOT AGENT ORANGE.
1748
01:12:03,101 --> 01:12:05,930
I SAID, "AT LEAST YOU
HAVE AN AGENT." BOOM!
1749
01:12:05,973 --> 01:12:07,845
HA HA!
1750
01:12:14,460 --> 01:12:15,809
ALL RIGHT. OK.
MY GRANDMOTHER.
1751
01:12:15,853 --> 01:12:17,550
I WAS TALKIN' TO
MY GRANDMOTHER THE OTHER DAY.
1752
01:12:17,594 --> 01:12:19,465
WHAT A LADY.
YOU'D LOVE HER.
1753
01:12:19,509 --> 01:12:20,771
SHE'S DEAF
IN BOTH EARS, RIGHT,
1754
01:12:20,814 --> 01:12:21,989
SO WE BOUGHT HER
2 HEARING AIDS.
1755
01:12:22,033 --> 01:12:24,383
SHE KEEPS PUTTIN' 'EM
BOTH IN THE SAME EAR.
1756
01:12:24,427 --> 01:12:25,602
SHE'S DEAF OVER HERE,
1757
01:12:25,645 --> 01:12:27,473
SHE'S GOT, LIKE,
BAT-LIKE HEARING OVER HERE.
1758
01:12:27,517 --> 01:12:29,388
DID SOMEBODY SAY
NURSING HOME?
1759
01:12:29,432 --> 01:12:31,999
THAT'S HER. THAT
WAS HER VOICE. HA HA!
1760
01:12:32,043 --> 01:12:33,566
[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]
1761
01:12:33,610 --> 01:12:36,047
[CROWD SCREAMING]
1762
01:12:36,090 --> 01:12:37,701
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
WHO IS THAT OVER THERE?
1763
01:12:37,744 --> 01:12:39,093
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY, I THOUGHT--
1764
01:12:39,137 --> 01:12:41,400
WHAT, IS THERE A SALE
ON BIKINIS OR SOMETHING?
1765
01:12:41,444 --> 01:12:42,488
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU?
1766
01:12:42,532 --> 01:12:43,881
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I'M DOIN' GREAT.
1767
01:12:43,924 --> 01:12:45,535
THESE PEOPLE LOVE ME.
YOU SEE, I'M FINALLY COOKIN'.
1768
01:12:45,578 --> 01:12:47,058
I'M START--
I'M A-ROLLIN'.
1769
01:12:47,101 --> 01:12:48,407
OH!
1770
01:12:48,451 --> 01:12:49,452
OW.
1771
01:12:49,495 --> 01:12:50,453
COME ON. WE GOT
TO GET OUT OF HERE.
1772
01:12:50,496 --> 01:12:51,584
WHY?
1773
01:12:51,628 --> 01:12:54,195
MY GOD! MY GOD!
TERRORISTS! TERRORISTS!
1774
01:12:54,239 --> 01:12:55,458
THAT'S WHY.
1775
01:12:55,501 --> 01:12:56,981
OH.
1776
01:12:57,024 --> 01:12:57,982
[RUMBLING]
1777
01:12:58,025 --> 01:12:59,853
HOLY SHIT.
1778
01:12:59,897 --> 01:13:00,680
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
1779
01:13:00,724 --> 01:13:02,552
WE FUCKIN' HIT AN ICEBERG.
1780
01:13:02,595 --> 01:13:04,467
WE HIT AN ICEBERG.
1781
01:13:04,510 --> 01:13:06,991
HOLY SHIT.
ANOTHER TITANIC.
1782
01:13:07,034 --> 01:13:08,122
HURRY UP, SCHECKY.
1783
01:13:08,166 --> 01:13:09,428
COME ON,
GET IN HERE.
1784
01:13:09,472 --> 01:13:12,736
I'M COMIN',
I'M COMIN', I'M COMIN'.
1785
01:13:17,523 --> 01:13:20,221
WHERE IS MISS AUSTRALIA?
1786
01:13:20,265 --> 01:13:23,877
WE WANT HER NOW.
SHE'S OURS.
1787
01:13:23,921 --> 01:13:27,446
WE ARE NOT
FOOLING AROUND HERE.
1788
01:13:27,751 --> 01:13:31,842
WE GOT A BIG,
FAT PROBLEM HERE.
1789
01:13:31,885 --> 01:13:35,759
WE NEED TO HAVE
A LITTLE TALK WITH HER.
1790
01:13:36,499 --> 01:13:39,197
THIS IS NO JOKE.
1791
01:13:40,590 --> 01:13:44,594
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK.
1792
01:13:45,899 --> 01:13:50,687
HELLO.
TESTING 1, 2, 3.
1793
01:13:50,730 --> 01:13:51,731
HELLO.
1794
01:13:51,775 --> 01:13:53,646
THIS IS GOING OUT
TO ALL THE PEOPLE
1795
01:13:53,690 --> 01:13:54,560
ON THE BOAT.
1796
01:13:54,604 --> 01:13:55,474
ALL THE PEOPLE.
1797
01:13:55,518 --> 01:13:58,129
ALL WE WANT
IS MISS AUSTRALIA.
1798
01:13:58,172 --> 01:13:59,696
MRS. AUSTRALIA!
1799
01:13:59,739 --> 01:14:01,132
MISS AUSTRALIA!
1800
01:14:01,175 --> 01:14:02,525
MISS AUSTRALIA?
1801
01:14:02,568 --> 01:14:04,570
SAY, ISN'T THAT THE LATE
DICKIE DIAMOND'S GIRLFRIEND?
1802
01:14:04,614 --> 01:14:06,093
HOW WOULD I KNOW?
I HAVEN'T DONE ANY SCENES
1803
01:14:06,137 --> 01:14:07,704
WITH DICKIE DIAMOND
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND.
1804
01:14:07,747 --> 01:14:09,749
I'M QUITE SURE IT IS.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT.
1805
01:14:09,793 --> 01:14:12,186
THEY WANT TO KILL HER.
SHE'S A REAL BITCH, MAN.
1806
01:14:12,230 --> 01:14:14,711
YOU GUYS SHOULDN'T
TALK MEAN ABOUT PEOPLE
1807
01:14:14,754 --> 01:14:15,668
BEHIND THEIR BACKS.
1808
01:14:15,712 --> 01:14:16,756
OH, WELL, I DIDN'T
SEE YOU THERE.
1809
01:14:16,800 --> 01:14:17,888
I'LL SAY IT
TO YOUR FACE.
1810
01:14:17,931 --> 01:14:19,585
YOU'RE A PIG, HONEY.
YOU WERE MEAN TO ME
1811
01:14:19,629 --> 01:14:20,760
THE OTHER NIGHT
IN THE BAR.
1812
01:14:20,804 --> 01:14:23,284
WELL, I WAS A DIFFERENT
WOMAN BACK THEN
1813
01:14:23,328 --> 01:14:24,851
WHEN DICKIE WAS ALIVE.
1814
01:14:24,895 --> 01:14:27,767
NOW THAT HE'S DEAD,
I'M MY OWN WOMAN.
1815
01:14:27,811 --> 01:14:29,769
I'VE GOT MY OWN MIND
AND IT WORKS FOR ME
1816
01:14:29,813 --> 01:14:30,944
AND NOBODY ELSE.
1817
01:14:30,988 --> 01:14:32,119
GOOD FOR YOU.
1818
01:14:32,163 --> 01:14:33,164
MRS. AUSTRALIA!
1819
01:14:33,207 --> 01:14:35,775
MISS AUSTRALIA,
YOU LITTLE KANGAROO,
1820
01:14:35,819 --> 01:14:37,168
BIG MOUTH BAD BREATH.
1821
01:14:37,211 --> 01:14:39,257
YOU BETTER COME OUT!
1822
01:14:39,300 --> 01:14:40,171
OH, MY GOD.
1823
01:14:40,214 --> 01:14:42,608
IT'S TIME TO MEET
YOUR MAYOR.
1824
01:14:42,652 --> 01:14:44,871
MY GOD, THEY WANT ME
TO MEET THE MAYOR?
1825
01:14:44,915 --> 01:14:47,265
NO, NO. I THINK HE'S
SPEAKING BROKEN ENGLISH
1826
01:14:47,308 --> 01:14:48,222
RIGHT THERE.
1827
01:14:48,266 --> 01:14:49,223
HE WANTS YOU
TO MEET YOUR MAKER.
1828
01:14:49,267 --> 01:14:50,137
HE WANTS
TO KILL YOU.
1829
01:14:50,181 --> 01:14:51,617
DO YOU HAVE
AN EDUCATION?
1830
01:14:51,661 --> 01:14:53,793
[CRYING]
1831
01:14:53,837 --> 01:14:55,969
OY, MISS AUSTRALIA,
1832
01:14:56,013 --> 01:14:57,623
WHEN I FIND YOU,
1833
01:14:57,667 --> 01:14:59,233
I'M GONNA
TAKE YOUR HANDS
1834
01:14:59,277 --> 01:15:00,539
AND I'M
GONNA CUT OFF
1835
01:15:00,583 --> 01:15:01,975
ALL YOUR PRETTY
LITTLE FINGERNAILS
1836
01:15:02,019 --> 01:15:04,151
AND I'M GONNA
SWALLOW THEM...
1837
01:15:04,195 --> 01:15:05,022
YUM!
1838
01:15:05,065 --> 01:15:05,936
AND THEY'RE
GONNA GO THROUGH
1839
01:15:05,979 --> 01:15:06,937
MY DIGESTIVE TRACT.
1840
01:15:06,980 --> 01:15:08,547
AND THE ONLY THING IS,
1841
01:15:08,591 --> 01:15:09,983
THEY'RE NOT
GONNA DIGEST!
1842
01:15:10,027 --> 01:15:12,072
OH, MY GOD! HE CAN'T.
1843
01:15:12,116 --> 01:15:14,248
ALL I SAID WAS
THAT GENERAL NORIEGA
1844
01:15:14,292 --> 01:15:15,206
HAD BAD BREATH.
1845
01:15:15,249 --> 01:15:17,208
IT TOOK ME MONTHS
TO GROW THESE.
1846
01:15:17,251 --> 01:15:18,296
YOU KNOW, I BROKE ONE,
1847
01:15:18,339 --> 01:15:19,993
AND THEN JUST AS IT
WAS GROWING BACK,
1848
01:15:20,037 --> 01:15:20,951
I BROKE ANOTHER ONE.
1849
01:15:20,994 --> 01:15:22,082
THEY'RE FINALLY ALL EVEN.
1850
01:15:22,126 --> 01:15:23,823
HE CAN'T DO IT.
HE CAN'T!
1851
01:15:23,867 --> 01:15:24,824
I'VE GOT TO GET
OUT OF HERE!
1852
01:15:24,868 --> 01:15:29,220
NO, NO, ELLEN.
ELLEN, WAIT!
1853
01:15:30,221 --> 01:15:31,439
WOW.
1854
01:15:31,483 --> 01:15:33,920
DON'T WOMEN LOOK FUNNY
WHEN THEY RUN IN HEELS?
1855
01:15:33,964 --> 01:15:35,879
LET'S GO.
1856
01:15:40,797 --> 01:15:42,189
OH, THERE SHE GOES!
1857
01:15:42,233 --> 01:15:45,062
WELL, GO, GO!
1858
01:15:45,410 --> 01:15:47,543
[FIRES GUN]
1859
01:15:56,987 --> 01:15:59,032
COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON!
1860
01:15:59,076 --> 01:16:00,643
OH!
1861
01:16:05,778 --> 01:16:07,301
LOOK OUT!
1862
01:16:07,345 --> 01:16:11,044
♪ NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1863
01:16:11,088 --> 01:16:13,873
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE, NO
1864
01:16:13,917 --> 01:16:18,617
♪ GOT NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1865
01:16:18,661 --> 01:16:21,141
♪ AND NOWHERE TO HIDE
1866
01:16:21,185 --> 01:16:24,884
♪ IT'S NOT LOVE I'VE
BEEN RUNNING FROM ♪
1867
01:16:24,928 --> 01:16:29,236
♪ IT'S THE HEARTBREAK
I KNOW WILL COME ♪
1868
01:16:29,280 --> 01:16:32,979
♪ 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME ♪
1869
01:16:33,023 --> 01:16:36,026
♪ BUT YOU'VE BECOME
A PART OF ME ♪
1870
01:16:36,069 --> 01:16:37,984
♪ EVERYWHERE I GO
1871
01:16:38,028 --> 01:16:39,725
♪ YOUR FACE I SEE
1872
01:16:39,769 --> 01:16:41,727
♪ EVERY STEP I TAKE
1873
01:16:41,771 --> 01:16:45,035
♪ YOU TAKE WITH ME
1874
01:16:45,078 --> 01:16:48,647
♪ NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1875
01:16:48,691 --> 01:16:51,041
♪ NOWHERE
TO HIDE, YEAH... ♪
1876
01:16:51,084 --> 01:16:52,433
HEY, WHAT'S
WITH THE SHIRT?
1877
01:16:52,477 --> 01:16:53,347
OH, THIS ONE?
1878
01:16:53,391 --> 01:16:54,740
YEAH, THAT SHIRT.
1879
01:16:54,784 --> 01:16:56,220
OH, I LIKE THE PINK ONE,
AND BOB LIKES THE GREEN ONE.
1880
01:16:56,263 --> 01:16:57,264
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE?
1881
01:16:57,308 --> 01:16:59,005
THEY BOTH STINK.
1882
01:16:59,049 --> 01:17:02,269
♪ I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME ♪
1883
01:17:02,313 --> 01:17:04,315
♪ BUT FREE OF YOU
1884
01:17:04,358 --> 01:17:06,752
♪ I'LL NEVER BE
1885
01:17:06,796 --> 01:17:07,579
♪ NO
1886
01:17:07,623 --> 01:17:10,713
♪ EACH NIGHT AS I SLEEP
1887
01:17:10,756 --> 01:17:14,020
♪ INTO MY HEART
YOU CREEP ♪
1888
01:17:14,064 --> 01:17:17,676
♪ I WAKE UP FEELIN'
SORRY I MET YOU ♪
1889
01:17:17,720 --> 01:17:20,940
♪ HOPIN' SOON
THAT I'LL FORGET YOU ♪
1890
01:17:20,984 --> 01:17:23,203
♪ WHEN I LOOK
IN THE MIRROR ♪
1891
01:17:23,247 --> 01:17:24,944
♪ TO COMB MY HAIR
1892
01:17:24,988 --> 01:17:26,903
♪ I SEE YOUR FACE
1893
01:17:26,946 --> 01:17:29,209
♪ JUST A-SMILIN' THERE
1894
01:17:29,253 --> 01:17:30,080
♪ YEAH
1895
01:17:30,123 --> 01:17:33,387
♪ NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1896
01:17:33,431 --> 01:17:36,913
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE
1897
01:17:36,956 --> 01:17:39,437
♪ RUN TO, BABY
1898
01:17:39,480 --> 01:17:41,395
♪ GOT NOWHERE TO RUN...
1899
01:17:41,439 --> 01:17:42,962
OH, GOD.
1900
01:17:43,006 --> 01:17:45,008
HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?
1901
01:17:45,051 --> 01:17:46,487
JUST BECAUSE I'M PRETTY,
1902
01:17:46,531 --> 01:17:49,055
EVERYBODY THINKS I'M STUPID.
1903
01:17:49,099 --> 01:17:50,274
WHERE DID THAT
COME FROM?
1904
01:17:50,317 --> 01:17:52,363
I HATE BEING BEAUTIFUL.
1905
01:17:52,406 --> 01:17:54,800
SOMETIMES I WISH
I WAS AN UGLY, OLD HAG
1906
01:17:54,844 --> 01:17:57,934
WITH BURN MARKS OR WARTS
ALL OVER MY FACE
1907
01:17:57,977 --> 01:17:59,979
AND PEOPLE WOULD
JUST RUN IN TERROR
1908
01:18:00,023 --> 01:18:01,502
WHEN THEY LOOKED AT ME.
1909
01:18:01,546 --> 01:18:03,156
WHY?
1910
01:18:03,200 --> 01:18:05,855
BECAUSE BEING PRETTY
ISN'T PRETTY.
1911
01:18:05,898 --> 01:18:07,334
LOOK, LOOK. WE DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
1912
01:18:07,378 --> 01:18:11,425
YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS MORBID
DESIRE TO BE DEFORMED.
1913
01:18:11,469 --> 01:18:13,166
GOD, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
1914
01:18:13,210 --> 01:18:14,777
I NEVER REALIZED
HOW HARD IT WAS
1915
01:18:14,820 --> 01:18:17,127
FOR A YOUNG GIRL
TO BE SO GORGEOUS.
1916
01:18:17,170 --> 01:18:19,782
IT'S A LIVING HELL.
1917
01:18:19,825 --> 01:18:21,827
[MACHINE GUNFIRE]
1918
01:18:21,871 --> 01:18:26,527
♪ GOT NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1919
01:18:26,571 --> 01:18:29,400
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE
1920
01:18:29,443 --> 01:18:32,185
♪ I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME ♪
1921
01:18:32,229 --> 01:18:39,236
♪ BUT FREE OF YOU
I'LL NEVER BE, NO-- ♪
1922
01:18:41,020 --> 01:18:42,413
CLIMB THE LADDER.
1923
01:18:42,456 --> 01:18:43,544
CLIMB THE--
1924
01:18:43,588 --> 01:18:45,416
WHY DO YOU WANT 'EM
TO CLIMB THE LADDER?
1925
01:18:45,459 --> 01:18:47,244
[SIGHS]
1926
01:18:48,158 --> 01:18:49,246
♪ HOPIN' SOON
1927
01:18:49,289 --> 01:18:51,204
♪ THAT I'D FORGET YOU
1928
01:18:51,248 --> 01:18:53,337
♪ WHEN I LOOK
IN THE MIRROR ♪
1929
01:18:53,380 --> 01:18:55,339
♪ TO COMB MY HAIR
1930
01:18:55,382 --> 01:18:56,819
♪ I SEE YOUR FACE
1931
01:18:56,862 --> 01:18:59,169
♪ JUST A-SMILIN' THERE
1932
01:18:59,212 --> 01:19:00,170
♪ YEAH
1933
01:19:00,213 --> 01:19:03,782
♪ NOWHERE
TO RUN TO, BABY ♪
1934
01:19:03,826 --> 01:19:07,351
♪ NOWHERE TO HIDE
1935
01:19:07,394 --> 01:19:08,874
♪ RUN TO, BABY
1936
01:19:08,918 --> 01:19:13,270
♪ GOT NOWHERE TO RUN
FROM YOU, BABY ♪
1937
01:19:13,313 --> 01:19:14,271
♪ OH, NO
1938
01:19:14,314 --> 01:19:18,144
♪ I KNOW YOU'RE
NO GOOD FOR ME ♪
1939
01:19:18,188 --> 01:19:22,540
♪ BUT YOU'VE BECOME
A PART OF ME ♪
1940
01:19:22,583 --> 01:19:26,413
♪ HOW CAN I FIGHT
A LOVER... ♪
1941
01:19:26,457 --> 01:19:27,632
OH, GOD.
1942
01:19:27,675 --> 01:19:30,461
THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME
BEFORE I GET A CHANCE
1943
01:19:30,504 --> 01:19:32,202
TO BE AN ACTRESS.
1944
01:19:32,245 --> 01:19:33,420
ALL MY HOPES,
1945
01:19:33,464 --> 01:19:35,074
ALL MY DREAMS.
1946
01:19:35,118 --> 01:19:37,337
I HAD A LINE
ON GENERAL HOSPITAL
1947
01:19:37,381 --> 01:19:38,425
LAST WEEK.
1948
01:19:38,469 --> 01:19:39,426
YOU DID?
1949
01:19:39,470 --> 01:19:40,601
WHAT WAS IT?
1950
01:19:40,645 --> 01:19:44,475
"CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING
FROM THE BAR?"
1951
01:19:44,518 --> 01:19:45,563
OH, MY GOD.
1952
01:19:45,606 --> 01:19:47,130
I SAY THAT
ALL THE TIME.
1953
01:19:47,173 --> 01:19:49,219
REALLY? OH, I WISH
YOU'D BEEN THERE
1954
01:19:49,262 --> 01:19:50,394
TO COACH ME.
1955
01:19:50,437 --> 01:19:52,439
ME, TOO.
1956
01:19:58,097 --> 01:20:00,273
OH, JEEZ, I CAN'T
BELIEVE THIS.
1957
01:20:00,317 --> 01:20:01,274
DO YOU THINK
I SHOULD TELL HER
1958
01:20:01,318 --> 01:20:03,059
ABOUT BOB'S LITTLE
INFECTION, HUH?
1959
01:20:03,102 --> 01:20:05,322
SHOULD I?
FORGET IT.
1960
01:20:09,326 --> 01:20:11,981
YO, MISS AUSTRALIA?
1961
01:20:12,024 --> 01:20:13,330
YOU BETTER
COME OUT HERE,
1962
01:20:13,373 --> 01:20:15,941
OR I'M GONNA HAVE TO
START KILLING HOSTAGES
1963
01:20:15,985 --> 01:20:17,334
IN 3 0R 4 SECONDS...
1964
01:20:17,377 --> 01:20:18,248
3 SECONDS!
1965
01:20:18,291 --> 01:20:19,945
STARTING WITH
THIS GIRL HERE.
1966
01:20:19,989 --> 01:20:21,381
MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY
TO SAVE HER.
1967
01:20:21,425 --> 01:20:23,253
NO, SHE ALWAYS WINS
WHENEVER WE COMPETE.
1968
01:20:23,296 --> 01:20:26,430
THIS COULD BE MY ONLY CHANCE
FOR MISS INTERNATIONAL.
1969
01:20:26,473 --> 01:20:28,649
NOW THAT IS
A COMPETITIVE BITCH
1970
01:20:28,693 --> 01:20:29,607
RIGHT THERE.
1971
01:20:29,650 --> 01:20:30,477
I'M SO SELFISH.
1972
01:20:30,521 --> 01:20:32,305
I'VE GOT
TO GIVE MYSELF UP.
1973
01:20:32,349 --> 01:20:34,655
YOU GUYS STAY HERE.
1974
01:20:34,699 --> 01:20:35,918
JUST KIDDING...
1975
01:20:35,961 --> 01:20:38,311
LOOK, I THINK
THE GENERAL'S A GREAT GUY.
1976
01:20:38,355 --> 01:20:40,661
I ONLY SAID IT
TO BE SMART.
1977
01:20:40,705 --> 01:20:43,316
LOOK, HE PROBABLY
SMELLS TERRIFIC.
1978
01:20:43,360 --> 01:20:44,317
COME TO MENTION IT,
1979
01:20:44,361 --> 01:20:45,884
YOU GUYS AREN'T
SO BAD YOURSELF--
1980
01:20:45,928 --> 01:20:46,493
AAH!
1981
01:20:46,537 --> 01:20:48,191
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
1982
01:20:48,234 --> 01:20:50,106
[SQUEALING]
1983
01:20:51,324 --> 01:20:52,238
HEY, BOB?
1984
01:20:52,282 --> 01:20:53,326
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
ABOUT THIS?
1985
01:20:53,370 --> 01:20:55,502
WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TRY TO SAVE HER.
1986
01:20:55,546 --> 01:20:58,070
YEAH, YEAH, BOB.
1987
01:20:58,114 --> 01:20:59,158
WHAT?
1988
01:20:59,202 --> 01:21:00,333
WELL, I FIGURED
YOU JUST HAD
1989
01:21:00,377 --> 01:21:01,595
YOUR TONGUE DOWN
THE GIRL'S THROAT.
1990
01:21:01,639 --> 01:21:04,642
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO
AND SAVE HER.
1991
01:21:04,685 --> 01:21:06,905
[SCREAMING]
1992
01:21:07,210 --> 01:21:08,907
COME ON, SCHECKY.
1993
01:21:08,951 --> 01:21:10,082
DON'T PUT ME
ON THE SPOT.
1994
01:21:10,126 --> 01:21:12,563
I HAVE A REALLY STRONG
FEAR OF DEATH.
1995
01:21:12,606 --> 01:21:13,520
OH, I GOT
A FEAR OF DEATH,
1996
01:21:13,564 --> 01:21:15,348
BUT I ALSO HAVE
A STRONGER SENSE
1997
01:21:15,392 --> 01:21:16,654
OF GUILT, MAN,
AND JEEZ,
1998
01:21:16,697 --> 01:21:18,264
I MEAN, YOU WERE
JUST MAKING OUT
1999
01:21:18,308 --> 01:21:19,222
WITH THE GIRL.
I WOULD FEEL
2000
01:21:19,265 --> 01:21:20,919
YOU'D KIND OF WANT
TO SAVE HER.
2001
01:21:20,963 --> 01:21:21,920
FINE, FINE!
2002
01:21:21,964 --> 01:21:23,008
FINE, I'LL GO.
2003
01:21:23,052 --> 01:21:24,053
I'LL GO AND
GET SHOT AT
2004
01:21:24,096 --> 01:21:26,620
SAVING SOME GIRL
I WAS JUST KISSING.
2005
01:21:26,664 --> 01:21:28,535
YOU STAY HERE...
2006
01:21:28,579 --> 01:21:29,710
COWARD!
2007
01:21:29,754 --> 01:21:31,364
OH...
2008
01:21:31,408 --> 01:21:33,497
GET OFF OF HER!
2009
01:21:35,368 --> 01:21:37,066
I WAS LYING
TO BOB RIGHT THERE.
2010
01:21:37,109 --> 01:21:39,198
I DO HAVE A STRONGER
FEAR OF DEATH
2011
01:21:39,242 --> 01:21:40,678
COMPARED TO
MY SENSE OF GUILT,
2012
01:21:40,721 --> 01:21:42,723
BUT DEATH--EW--
MAKES ME NAUSEOUS.
2013
01:21:42,767 --> 01:21:43,550
I DON'T WANT DEATH.
2014
01:21:43,594 --> 01:21:44,682
YOU GET BURIED
UNDERGROUND,
2015
01:21:44,725 --> 01:21:46,205
YOU GET DIRT
ALL OVER YOU
2016
01:21:46,249 --> 01:21:47,380
WITH WORMS--EW--
2017
01:21:47,424 --> 01:21:48,381
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
2018
01:21:48,425 --> 01:21:49,600
SO, YOU KNOW,
IF I GET OUT THERE,
2019
01:21:49,643 --> 01:21:50,601
THERE'S A CHANCE
I'M GONNA GET SHOT,
2020
01:21:50,644 --> 01:21:51,776
AND I DON'T
LIKE THAT,
2021
01:21:51,819 --> 01:21:53,430
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD
FOR MY CAREER, EITHER.
2022
01:21:53,473 --> 01:21:54,953
YOU KNOW THAT
AND I KNOW THAT.
2023
01:21:54,997 --> 01:21:56,215
I AIN'T GOING.
OH, YEAH.
2024
01:21:56,259 --> 01:21:57,564
COME TO THINK OF IT...
2025
01:21:57,608 --> 01:21:59,523
WHERE DO YOU THINK
WE GO...
2026
01:21:59,566 --> 01:22:00,959
WHEN WE DIE?
2027
01:22:01,003 --> 01:22:02,743
I'M THINKING
OF THAT RIGHT NOW.
2028
01:22:02,787 --> 01:22:05,311
WELL, I FEEL EVERYONE
GOES TO PURGATORY FIRST.
2029
01:22:05,355 --> 01:22:07,966
AND THEN, AFTER
EVERYONE PRAYS FOR YOU,
2030
01:22:08,010 --> 01:22:08,880
YOU GO TO HEAVEN.
2031
01:22:08,924 --> 01:22:11,709
HEAVEN IS A PLACE
UP ABOVE...
2032
01:22:11,752 --> 01:22:13,232
PEARLY GATES.
2033
01:22:13,276 --> 01:22:14,625
HEAVEN IS BRIGHT LIGHTS,
2034
01:22:14,668 --> 01:22:17,062
REAL CALM, REAL SERENE.
2035
01:22:17,106 --> 01:22:20,370
LOTS OF ANGELS
AND THINGS.
2036
01:22:20,413 --> 01:22:21,762
AH, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I THINK.
2037
01:22:21,806 --> 01:22:22,938
I THINK THAT
WHEN WE DIE,
2038
01:22:22,981 --> 01:22:28,247
WE JUST GET ON THIS DARK,
LONELY SPIRAL...
2039
01:22:28,291 --> 01:22:29,553
RIGHT DOWN TO NOTHINGNESS.
2040
01:22:29,596 --> 01:22:31,207
THAT'S WHERE WE GO,
AND THAT'S NOT COOL WITH ME.
2041
01:22:31,250 --> 01:22:32,730
SO, I'M NOT GONNA
GET OUT THERE,
2042
01:22:32,773 --> 01:22:35,037
BECAUSE I COULD GET SHOT,
AND THAT WOULD HAPPEN TO ME....
2043
01:22:35,080 --> 01:22:37,474
Milton's Voice: SCHECKY,
YOU REMEMBER THE POWER.
2044
01:22:37,517 --> 01:22:41,521
KILL 'EM WITH LAUGHS
BEFORE THEY KILL YOU.
2045
01:22:42,044 --> 01:22:43,741
THAT WAS
THAT BERLE GUY AGAIN.
2046
01:22:43,784 --> 01:22:45,090
I GUESS I BETTER SHUT UP.
2047
01:22:45,134 --> 01:22:46,091
WHAT? WHAT?
2048
01:22:46,135 --> 01:22:48,137
Milton: USE
THE POWER OF LAUGHTER.
2049
01:22:48,180 --> 01:22:49,529
LAUGHTER?
POWER OF LAUGHTER?
2050
01:22:49,573 --> 01:22:50,617
HE ALWAYS SAID THAT.
2051
01:22:50,661 --> 01:22:52,097
MAYBE THAT HAS
A MEANING OR SOMETHING.
2052
01:22:52,141 --> 01:22:54,404
POWER OF...
OH, AH, AH!
2053
01:22:54,447 --> 01:22:55,796
I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
2054
01:22:55,840 --> 01:22:56,623
YEAH...
2055
01:22:56,667 --> 01:22:57,668
I KNOW WHAT HE MEANS.
2056
01:22:57,711 --> 01:23:00,627
I'LL GET THE--
SKEEDIL-EE-DEE-DA-DEE!
2057
01:23:00,671 --> 01:23:02,542
SKEEDIL-EE DEE-DA-DEE!
2058
01:23:02,586 --> 01:23:03,456
AAH!
2059
01:23:03,500 --> 01:23:04,414
WHO ARE YOU?
2060
01:23:04,457 --> 01:23:05,589
AH, MOSKOWITZ.
SCHECKY MOSKOWITZ.
2061
01:23:05,632 --> 01:23:07,199
WHAT'S YOUR NAME
THERE, PAL?
2062
01:23:07,243 --> 01:23:08,244
I'M ACHMED.
2063
01:23:08,287 --> 01:23:09,506
AH, ACHMED, WITH
A LOT OF SPIT THERE.
2064
01:23:09,549 --> 01:23:10,507
THAT'S GOOD.
WHAT DO YOU DO
2065
01:23:10,550 --> 01:23:11,551
FOR A LIVING,
THERE, HUH?
2066
01:23:11,595 --> 01:23:13,031
I FIGHT
FOR THE PEOPLE.
2067
01:23:13,075 --> 01:23:14,641
THE PEOPLE'S
PEOPLE'S PEOPLE.
2068
01:23:14,685 --> 01:23:15,555
AH, I LIKE PEOPLE.
2069
01:23:15,599 --> 01:23:17,296
FREEDOM FIGHTER.
THAT'S ME.
2070
01:23:17,340 --> 01:23:19,211
I WORK FOR THE CONTRA
REBELS SOMETIMES.
2071
01:23:19,255 --> 01:23:20,778
I'M SURE YOU DO.
I WOULD, TOO--
2072
01:23:20,821 --> 01:23:22,475
SOMETIMES I DELIVER
FOR DOMINO'S.
2073
01:23:22,519 --> 01:23:24,521
HALF HOUR OR LESS.
2074
01:23:24,782 --> 01:23:26,653
OK, MISS AUSTRALIA.
2075
01:23:26,697 --> 01:23:28,655
ANY LAST REQUESTS?
2076
01:23:28,699 --> 01:23:29,613
YES...
2077
01:23:29,656 --> 01:23:32,268
I'D LIKE TO SING
ONE LAST SONG...
2078
01:23:32,311 --> 01:23:35,401
I WON THE MISS AUSTRALIA
CONTEST WITH THIS LAST YEAR,
2079
01:23:35,445 --> 01:23:38,143
AND IT WOULD REALLY MEAN
A LOT TO ME.
2080
01:23:38,187 --> 01:23:42,191
OK, SING
YOUR HEART OUT.
2081
01:23:42,408 --> 01:23:45,150
♪ AUSTRALIA'S SONS
2082
01:23:45,194 --> 01:23:47,065
♪ LET US REJOICE
2083
01:23:47,109 --> 01:23:50,851
♪ FOR WE ARE
YOUNG AND FREE-- ♪
2084
01:23:50,895 --> 01:23:53,332
THIS IS HOW MY MOTHER
CARRIED ME WHEN I WAS A BABY.
2085
01:23:53,376 --> 01:23:55,247
BUT CAN YOU LET GO
A LITTLE, PLEASE,
2086
01:23:55,291 --> 01:23:56,596
BECAUSE I'M
A LITTLE SICK.
2087
01:23:56,640 --> 01:23:58,337
YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M SICK,
MY MOTHER ALWAYS TELLS ME
2088
01:23:58,381 --> 01:23:59,208
TO DRINK LIQUIDS.
2089
01:23:59,251 --> 01:24:00,426
I THINK SHE'S
RIGHT, THOUGH,
2090
01:24:00,470 --> 01:24:02,080
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
I DRINK A SOLID, I CHOKE.
2091
01:24:02,124 --> 01:24:03,560
BOOM! HA HA HA.
2092
01:24:03,603 --> 01:24:04,735
YEAH.
2093
01:24:04,778 --> 01:24:08,521
♪ WITH GOLDEN SOIL
AND WEALTH FOR TOIL ♪
2094
01:24:08,565 --> 01:24:12,786
♪ OUR HOME IS
GIRT BY SEA-- ♪
2095
01:24:12,830 --> 01:24:15,354
YEAH, SPEAKING
OF DRINKS, YOU KNOW--
2096
01:24:15,398 --> 01:24:16,790
THIS IS WHAT I DO
TO GET FREE DRINKS.
2097
01:24:16,834 --> 01:24:18,096
I KIND OF INSULT A GIRL.
2098
01:24:18,140 --> 01:24:19,358
I SAY, "BABY,
YOU'RE KIND OF UGLY."
2099
01:24:19,402 --> 01:24:21,360
SHE TAKES HER DRINK
AND THROWS IT IN MY FACE.
2100
01:24:21,404 --> 01:24:22,666
I OPEN UP MY MOUTH, RIGHT?
2101
01:24:22,709 --> 01:24:25,364
AND AFTER 6 OR 7 GIRLS,
I GET A GOOD BUZZ GOING.
2102
01:24:25,408 --> 01:24:27,323
HA HA HA!
2103
01:24:27,366 --> 01:24:29,412
♪ AUSTRALIA'S SONS
2104
01:24:29,455 --> 01:24:31,153
♪ LET US REJOICE
2105
01:24:31,196 --> 01:24:34,199
♪ FOR WE ARE
YOUNG AND FREE ♪
2106
01:24:34,243 --> 01:24:37,463
OK, OK.
THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
2107
01:24:37,507 --> 01:24:41,641
[CONTINUES SINGING
UNINTELLIGIBLY]
2108
01:24:41,685 --> 01:24:43,382
OK, THAT DOES IT!
2109
01:24:43,426 --> 01:24:44,383
AAH!
2110
01:24:44,427 --> 01:24:45,558
[LAUGHING]
2111
01:24:45,602 --> 01:24:46,646
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT A WHIRL, BABY?
2112
01:24:46,690 --> 01:24:47,865
COME ON, GIVE IT A TRY.
2113
01:24:47,908 --> 01:24:49,258
GO AHEAD.
2114
01:24:49,301 --> 01:24:52,217
SO I SAID
TO THE MAN...
2115
01:24:52,261 --> 01:24:53,784
TAKE MY WIFE...
2116
01:24:53,827 --> 01:24:54,828
PLEASE?
2117
01:24:54,872 --> 01:24:56,439
YEAH!
2118
01:24:59,268 --> 01:25:00,747
SPEAKING OF, UM...
2119
01:25:00,791 --> 01:25:01,792
MY WIFE,
2120
01:25:01,835 --> 01:25:02,923
SHE'S SO FAT...
2121
01:25:02,967 --> 01:25:04,229
HOW FAT IS SHE?
2122
01:25:04,273 --> 01:25:05,274
SHE'S SO FAT...
2123
01:25:05,317 --> 01:25:07,145
THAT WHEN SHE SITS
AROUND THE HOUSE,
2124
01:25:07,189 --> 01:25:10,801
SHE'S ALL THE WAY
AROUND THE HOUSE.
2125
01:25:15,632 --> 01:25:18,461
[WEAKLY SINGING]
2126
01:25:23,553 --> 01:25:25,642
DARLING...
2127
01:25:28,253 --> 01:25:28,993
ACHMED...
2128
01:25:29,036 --> 01:25:29,776
I WANT TO BE
A COMEDIAN.
2129
01:25:29,820 --> 01:25:31,169
I MAKE
THE PEOPLE LAUGH.
2130
01:25:31,213 --> 01:25:32,605
I THINK
THEY LOVE ME.
2131
01:25:32,649 --> 01:25:33,780
I--I--
2132
01:25:33,824 --> 01:25:34,868
[CRYING]
2133
01:25:34,912 --> 01:25:37,262
ARE YOU OK?
2134
01:25:37,306 --> 01:25:38,176
YEAH.
2135
01:25:38,220 --> 01:25:39,264
ARE YOU OK?
2136
01:25:39,308 --> 01:25:40,961
WELL, I HAVE A LITTLE
BUMP ON MY HEAD,
2137
01:25:41,005 --> 01:25:43,181
BUT I DON'T THINK
IT SHOWS A BRUISE.
2138
01:25:43,225 --> 01:25:44,617
OH...
2139
01:25:45,401 --> 01:25:47,881
WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?
2140
01:25:49,231 --> 01:25:50,667
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
2141
01:25:50,710 --> 01:25:53,626
OH, JEEZ, DO YOU?
2142
01:25:53,670 --> 01:25:56,238
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
2143
01:25:58,457 --> 01:25:59,893
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
2144
01:25:59,937 --> 01:26:02,287
OH, YEAH.
2145
01:26:06,857 --> 01:26:10,513
I THINK I'M A LAUGHER,
NOT A FIGHTER.
2146
01:26:10,556 --> 01:26:11,514
KISS ME.
2147
01:26:11,557 --> 01:26:13,298
WHAT ABOUT KILLING
MISS AUSTRALIA?
2148
01:26:13,342 --> 01:26:14,386
NO, FORGET IT.
2149
01:26:14,430 --> 01:26:15,648
SCHECKY SAID WE COULD
MOVE IN WITH HIM
2150
01:26:15,692 --> 01:26:18,303
AND WE COULD--WE COULD
LIVE IN AMERICA WITH HIM
2151
01:26:18,347 --> 01:26:20,262
AND WHEN--
HE COULD TEACH US
2152
01:26:20,305 --> 01:26:22,438
THE FINE ART OF COMEDY.
2153
01:26:22,481 --> 01:26:23,526
REALLY?
2154
01:26:23,569 --> 01:26:24,440
REALLY.
2155
01:26:24,483 --> 01:26:25,702
WILL HE WRITE
ALL HIS OWN, UH,
2156
01:26:25,745 --> 01:26:26,964
COMEDY MATERIAL
FOR US?
2157
01:26:27,007 --> 01:26:28,531
I WILL WRITE
ALL YOUR MATERIAL,
2158
01:26:28,574 --> 01:26:30,620
OF COURSE, AND
IF YOU GUYS WANT,
2159
01:26:30,663 --> 01:26:31,621
I'LL GET YOU
IN A MOVIE.
2160
01:26:31,664 --> 01:26:32,665
SEE THAT? THERE'S
A MOVIE CAMERA,
2161
01:26:32,709 --> 01:26:33,710
RIGHT THERE.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
2162
01:26:33,753 --> 01:26:34,928
DO SOME COMEDY?
RIGHT NOW,
2163
01:26:34,972 --> 01:26:35,929
FOR THAT CAMERA.
2164
01:26:35,973 --> 01:26:37,757
THE MOVIES?
2165
01:26:37,801 --> 01:26:38,802
OK...
2166
01:26:38,845 --> 01:26:40,673
OK, UM...
2167
01:26:40,717 --> 01:26:42,675
SO, UM...
2168
01:26:42,719 --> 01:26:46,462
WHAT'S INVISIBLE
AND SMELLS, UM...
2169
01:26:46,505 --> 01:26:47,854
LIKE, LIKE, CARROTS?
2170
01:26:47,898 --> 01:26:50,379
UH, CARROTS.
OK, I KNOW THAT ONE.
2171
01:26:50,422 --> 01:26:51,684
I KNOW THAT ONE...
2172
01:26:51,728 --> 01:26:52,946
I DON'T KNOW THAT ONE.
2173
01:26:52,990 --> 01:26:53,860
I DON'T KNOW.
2174
01:26:53,904 --> 01:26:54,861
YOU DON'T KNOW IT?
2175
01:26:54,905 --> 01:26:55,775
IT'S 'CAUSE IT'S--
2176
01:26:55,819 --> 01:26:57,516
IT'S LITTLE, TEENY
BUNNY FART.
2177
01:26:57,560 --> 01:26:59,866
[LAUGHING]
2178
01:27:02,913 --> 01:27:05,742
DADDY, LET ME OUT.
2179
01:27:07,918 --> 01:27:10,877
I WON'T BE FOOLING
AROUND ANYMORE.
2180
01:27:10,921 --> 01:27:13,750
I PROMISE.
2181
01:27:13,793 --> 01:27:17,319
WHO IS IT RUNNING OVER
TO FIRST BASE...
2182
01:27:17,362 --> 01:27:20,800
WITH THE SECOND BASE
THERE GUY?
2183
01:27:20,844 --> 01:27:21,671
MUST BE...
2184
01:27:21,714 --> 01:27:23,063
Both: THIRD BASE!
2185
01:27:23,107 --> 01:27:25,544
[LAUGHING]
2186
01:27:27,938 --> 01:27:29,766
LOVE...
2187
01:27:29,809 --> 01:27:30,723
YOU DON'T HAVE
ANY LOVE.
2188
01:27:30,767 --> 01:27:33,857
YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO WEAR THIS.
2189
01:27:44,955 --> 01:27:46,565
SOMEBODY...
2190
01:27:46,609 --> 01:27:48,785
PLEASE LET ME OUT.
2191
01:27:49,438 --> 01:27:50,439
I SWEAR TO GOD,
2192
01:27:50,482 --> 01:27:53,659
I WILL NEVER FLIP
ANYBODY OFF AGAIN.
2193
01:27:55,444 --> 01:27:56,706
I'LL NEVER CURSE.
2194
01:27:56,749 --> 01:27:58,403
SOMEBODY, PLEASE?
2195
01:27:58,447 --> 01:28:00,710
IF YOU'RE UP THERE...
2196
01:28:01,450 --> 01:28:03,278
PLEASE.
2197
01:28:23,689 --> 01:28:25,125
AHH...
2198
01:28:25,169 --> 01:28:27,954
YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS.
2199
01:28:27,998 --> 01:28:29,782
YOU STUPID FUCKS!
2200
01:28:29,826 --> 01:28:30,783
I'M AN ATHEIST!
2201
01:28:30,827 --> 01:28:32,002
HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH.
2202
01:28:32,045 --> 01:28:33,220
OW.
2203
01:28:33,264 --> 01:28:34,831
Achmed: SO, I'M FOR
TO PLAY IN THE BASEBALL
2204
01:28:34,874 --> 01:28:37,616
AND I'M MAKING TOUCHDOWN
FOR THE HOME TEAM.
2205
01:28:37,660 --> 01:28:38,704
I'M THE HERO!
2206
01:28:38,748 --> 01:28:40,489
[LAUGHING]
2207
01:28:40,967 --> 01:28:43,448
SO, SPEAKING
OF THE BASEBALLS,
2208
01:28:43,492 --> 01:28:45,102
HOW MANY ONE-EYED LIZARDS
2209
01:28:45,145 --> 01:28:48,497
DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE
A TWO-EYED LIZARD?
2210
01:28:48,540 --> 01:28:52,805
HEY, HEY,
YOU MOTHERFUCKER.
2211
01:28:52,849 --> 01:28:53,806
3!
2212
01:28:53,850 --> 01:28:57,114
3, 3 ONE-EYED LIZARDS.
WHY IS IT 3?
2213
01:28:57,157 --> 01:28:58,115
3 ONE-EYED LIZARDS,
2214
01:28:58,158 --> 01:29:00,639
BECAUSE ONE OF THEM
IS BLINDER.
2215
01:29:00,683 --> 01:29:01,727
[LAUGHING]
2216
01:29:01,771 --> 01:29:04,861
[ACHMED AND EKEBEM
CONTINUE BANTERING]
2217
01:29:09,605 --> 01:29:11,389
...HOW CAN HE SEE?
2218
01:29:11,433 --> 01:29:13,696
BECAUSE
HE'S A BLIND LIZARD!
2219
01:29:13,739 --> 01:29:17,177
YOU FUCKING UGLY
MOTHERFUCKERS...
2220
01:29:17,221 --> 01:29:19,092
GET THE FUCK
OFF MY STAGE.
2221
01:29:19,136 --> 01:29:21,007
I WANT MY
FUCKING JOB BACK.
2222
01:29:21,051 --> 01:29:22,835
Woman: HEY, LOOK!
THAT'S THE DEAD GUY!
2223
01:29:22,879 --> 01:29:25,490
Man: YEAH, THAT'S
THE DEAD COMEDIAN.
2224
01:29:25,534 --> 01:29:27,013
HEY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE DEAD.
2225
01:29:27,057 --> 01:29:29,015
DEAD? YOU STUPID
MOTHERFUCKER,
2226
01:29:29,059 --> 01:29:30,539
I'M NOT DEAD.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
2227
01:29:30,582 --> 01:29:32,149
I WAS LOCKED
IN THE BATHROOM,
2228
01:29:32,192 --> 01:29:33,846
YOU STUPID--
2229
01:29:48,948 --> 01:29:54,519
YOU FUCKING HIJACKING,
2-ON-ONE CHEATERS.
2230
01:29:54,563 --> 01:29:57,000
FUCK...
2231
01:29:57,043 --> 01:29:59,132
ME!
2232
01:30:03,528 --> 01:30:06,183
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU...
2233
01:30:06,226 --> 01:30:08,794
[LAUGHING]
2234
01:30:08,838 --> 01:30:10,883
I AM TERRORIST.
I'M LIKE RAMBO.
2235
01:30:10,927 --> 01:30:12,102
I AM LIKE RAMBO.
2236
01:30:12,145 --> 01:30:13,103
[GUN COCKS]
2237
01:30:13,146 --> 01:30:14,452
I AM RAMBO!
2238
01:30:14,496 --> 01:30:16,976
[GUNSHOT]
2239
01:30:17,020 --> 01:30:18,978
WELL...
2240
01:30:19,022 --> 01:30:20,284
ALL RIGHT.
2241
01:30:20,327 --> 01:30:22,939
EVERYTHING WORKED OUT
JUST FINE, NOW DIDN'T IT?
2242
01:30:22,982 --> 01:30:24,157
LET'S SEE.
2243
01:30:24,201 --> 01:30:25,724
WELL, THAT ROCK STAR
AND HIS SLEAZY MANAGER?
2244
01:30:25,768 --> 01:30:28,510
THEY HAVE GIRLS HANGING
ALL OVER 'EM NOW.
2245
01:30:28,553 --> 01:30:31,469
AND BOB, HE HAS
A GORGEOUS WIFE-TO-BE.
2246
01:30:31,513 --> 01:30:32,601
HOW HE GOT HER,
I'LL NEVER KNOW,
2247
01:30:32,644 --> 01:30:34,080
BUT STRANGER THINGS
HAVE HAPPENED.
2248
01:30:34,124 --> 01:30:35,038
AND EVEN
THOSE TERRORISTS.
2249
01:30:35,081 --> 01:30:36,996
THEY GOT WHAT
THEY WANTED--
2250
01:30:37,040 --> 01:30:38,128
AN AUDIENCE.
2251
01:30:38,171 --> 01:30:39,303
I...
2252
01:30:39,346 --> 01:30:40,826
I GUESS I GOT WHAT
I WANTED, TOO, YOU KNOW?
2253
01:30:40,870 --> 01:30:42,698
NOW, I'M A BIG,
FUNNY COMEDIAN.
2254
01:30:42,741 --> 01:30:43,960
I'M EVEN A HERO,
2255
01:30:44,003 --> 01:30:45,004
BUT SOMETHING'S MISSING.
2256
01:30:45,048 --> 01:30:46,571
I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.
2257
01:30:46,615 --> 01:30:48,530
I GOT A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
2258
01:30:48,573 --> 01:30:49,966
NEPTUNE, HOW YOU BEEN?
2259
01:30:50,009 --> 01:30:51,576
I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
2260
01:30:51,620 --> 01:30:52,577
I'M SWELL.
2261
01:30:52,621 --> 01:30:55,188
I GOT SOMEONE
I WANT YOU TO MEET.
2262
01:30:55,232 --> 01:30:56,494
SLIMY!
2263
01:30:56,538 --> 01:30:57,887
SLIMY?
2264
01:30:58,801 --> 01:31:00,846
HELLO.
2265
01:31:00,890 --> 01:31:03,283
Neptune: THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER, SLIMY!
2266
01:31:03,327 --> 01:31:04,981
HELLO, SLIMY.
2267
01:31:05,024 --> 01:31:06,548
MY LITTLE GUPPY'S
BEEN WATCHING YOU
2268
01:31:06,591 --> 01:31:07,940
IN HER CONCH SHELL
FOR A WEEK NOW,
2269
01:31:07,984 --> 01:31:09,115
AND SHE'S JUST
BEEN BEGGING ME
2270
01:31:09,159 --> 01:31:10,334
TO INTRODUCE YOU.
2271
01:31:10,377 --> 01:31:12,075
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING ME
IN YOUR CONCH SHELL?
2272
01:31:12,118 --> 01:31:13,163
YES.
2273
01:31:13,206 --> 01:31:14,991
I REALLY, REALLY,
WANTED TO MEET YOU.
2274
01:31:15,034 --> 01:31:17,297
WOW, SHE IS SO SWEET.
2275
01:31:17,341 --> 01:31:18,603
HEY, UM, KING NEPTUNE,
2276
01:31:18,647 --> 01:31:20,562
I WAS JUST WONDERING
IF I COULD TAKE HER
2277
01:31:20,605 --> 01:31:22,172
TO THE BOW OF THE SHIP
AND MAYBE GIVE HER
2278
01:31:22,215 --> 01:31:23,695
A KISS, YOU KNOW,
TO CLOSE THE MOVIE.
2279
01:31:23,739 --> 01:31:24,609
IS THAT ALL RIGHT?
2280
01:31:24,653 --> 01:31:27,482
GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD,
GO AHEAD.
2281
01:31:28,918 --> 01:31:30,006
ALL RIGHT...
2282
01:31:30,049 --> 01:31:33,096
BUT HAVE HER BACK
AT THE REEF BY 11:00!
2283
01:31:34,576 --> 01:31:35,968
AND NO TONGUES!
2284
01:31:36,012 --> 01:31:37,622
♪ OH, BOY
2285
01:31:37,666 --> 01:31:38,754
♪ WHO'S THAT GIRL
OVER THERE? ♪
2286
01:31:38,797 --> 01:31:40,059
♪ I REALLY GOT
TO TALK TO THAT CHICK ♪
2287
01:31:40,103 --> 01:31:43,628
♪ BECAUSE THAT IS ONE COOL,
SUGAR CANDY GIRL ♪
2288
01:31:43,672 --> 01:31:45,543
♪ SHE'S A SLICK CHICK
2289
01:31:45,587 --> 01:31:48,328
♪ SHE'S A SLICK CHICK
2290
01:31:48,372 --> 01:31:49,982
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2291
01:31:50,026 --> 01:31:51,897
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2292
01:31:51,941 --> 01:31:53,638
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2293
01:31:53,682 --> 01:31:55,335
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2294
01:31:55,379 --> 01:31:57,207
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2295
01:31:57,250 --> 01:31:58,991
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2296
01:31:59,035 --> 01:32:00,732
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2297
01:32:00,776 --> 01:32:02,560
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2298
01:32:02,604 --> 01:32:03,953
♪ ONCE IN THE U.S.A.
2299
01:32:03,996 --> 01:32:06,172
♪ I WAS OUT WALKING
2300
01:32:06,216 --> 01:32:07,739
♪ A LITTLE YOUNG GIRL
2301
01:32:07,783 --> 01:32:09,611
♪ I WAS SEEING
2302
01:32:09,654 --> 01:32:10,699
♪ I SEE A YOUNG GIRL
2303
01:32:10,742 --> 01:32:13,353
♪ SHE STARTED SMILING
2304
01:32:13,397 --> 01:32:14,572
♪ I WALK OVER
2305
01:32:14,616 --> 01:32:16,618
♪ WE STARTED TALKING
2306
01:32:16,661 --> 01:32:17,706
♪ I SAY, "HI, BABES"
2307
01:32:17,749 --> 01:32:20,143
♪ SHE SAID,
"HOW ARE YOU KEEPING?" ♪
2308
01:32:20,186 --> 01:32:21,144
♪ I SAID, "I'M COOL"
2309
01:32:21,187 --> 01:32:23,276
♪ "I'M JUST DOING
MY OWN THING" ♪
2310
01:32:23,320 --> 01:32:26,845
♪ SHE SAID "HEY, MAN, I HEAR
YOU ARE THE IN THING" ♪
2311
01:32:26,889 --> 01:32:31,241
♪ YOUR KEYS ARE IVORY
FROM THAT SAXON SOUND SYSTEM ♪
2312
01:32:31,284 --> 01:32:32,285
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2313
01:32:32,329 --> 01:32:34,723
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2314
01:32:34,766 --> 01:32:35,854
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2315
01:32:35,898 --> 01:32:37,943
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2316
01:32:37,987 --> 01:32:38,857
FUCK EVERYBODY!
2317
01:32:38,901 --> 01:32:40,250
FUCK--FUCK YOU!
2318
01:32:40,293 --> 01:32:41,773
FUCK THE WATER!
2319
01:32:41,817 --> 01:32:43,862
FUCK THIS FUCKING WATER!
2320
01:32:43,906 --> 01:32:44,863
FUCK THE BOAT!
2321
01:32:44,907 --> 01:32:46,865
FUCK--FUCK NORIEGA!
2322
01:32:46,909 --> 01:32:47,736
FUCK SCHECKY!
2323
01:32:47,779 --> 01:32:49,215
FUCK EVERYBODY!
2324
01:32:49,259 --> 01:32:50,129
[LAUGHS]
2325
01:32:50,173 --> 01:32:52,218
FUCK EVERYTHING!
2326
01:32:52,262 --> 01:32:54,133
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2327
01:32:54,177 --> 01:32:55,874
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2328
01:32:55,918 --> 01:32:57,876
♪ HELLO, DARLING
2329
01:32:57,920 --> 01:33:00,618
♪ HELLO, GOOD-LOOKING
2330
01:33:17,330 --> 01:33:19,594
♪ YEAH
2331
01:33:36,785 --> 01:33:38,743
♪ AND I'M ON THE PROWL
2332
01:33:38,787 --> 01:33:40,266
♪ GOING OUT THE CAT DOOR
2333
01:33:40,310 --> 01:33:44,749
♪ 'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY ♪
2334
01:33:44,793 --> 01:33:47,665
♪ HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN ♪
2335
01:33:47,709 --> 01:33:53,105
♪ SERVING ME SOME
HOT, HOT TUNA ♪
2336
01:33:53,149 --> 01:33:54,759
♪ YEAH
2337
01:33:54,803 --> 01:33:58,415
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2338
01:33:58,458 --> 01:34:02,027
♪ UPSIDE HIS HEAD
2339
01:34:02,071 --> 01:34:05,944
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2340
01:34:05,988 --> 01:34:07,946
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2341
01:34:16,389 --> 01:34:18,000
♪ WELL, I CLIMB THE WALLS
2342
01:34:18,043 --> 01:34:20,132
♪ OVER TAIL SO FINE
2343
01:34:20,176 --> 01:34:22,221
♪ AND MY FURRY PAWS
2344
01:34:22,265 --> 01:34:24,789
♪ WANT YOUR BEHIND
2345
01:34:24,833 --> 01:34:27,139
♪ ALL COME FOR LOVE TO ME
2346
01:34:27,183 --> 01:34:33,015
♪ I'M SO WILD
AND SO IN HEAT ♪
2347
01:34:33,058 --> 01:34:34,930
♪ YEAH
2348
01:34:34,973 --> 01:34:38,324
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2349
01:34:38,368 --> 01:34:41,806
♪ UPSIDE HIS HEAD
2350
01:34:41,850 --> 01:34:45,157
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2351
01:34:45,201 --> 01:34:49,118
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2352
01:35:03,480 --> 01:35:05,961
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2353
01:35:06,004 --> 01:35:07,005
♪ YEAH
2354
01:35:07,049 --> 01:35:09,747
♪ GONNA SLAP HIS HEAD
2355
01:35:09,791 --> 01:35:10,835
♪ BOOM
2356
01:35:10,879 --> 01:35:14,360
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2357
01:35:14,404 --> 01:35:17,146
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2358
01:35:17,189 --> 01:35:18,321
♪ YEAH
2359
01:35:18,364 --> 01:35:21,063
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2360
01:35:24,066 --> 01:35:25,197
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
2361
01:35:25,241 --> 01:35:29,201
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2362
01:35:29,245 --> 01:35:31,421
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2363
01:35:47,089 --> 01:35:49,004
♪ AND I'M ON THE PROWL
2364
01:35:49,047 --> 01:35:50,919
♪ GOING OUT THE CAT DOOR
2365
01:35:50,962 --> 01:35:52,355
♪ 'CAUSE I'M IN LOVE
2366
01:35:52,398 --> 01:35:55,053
♪ WITH A LITTLE GIRL, BOY
2367
01:35:55,097 --> 01:35:58,056
♪ HEAR HER HOWL,
LOVELY WOMAN ♪
2368
01:35:58,100 --> 01:36:02,365
♪ SERVING ME SOME
HOT, HOT TUNA ♪
2369
01:36:02,408 --> 01:36:03,932
♪ YEAH
2370
01:36:03,975 --> 01:36:05,107
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2371
01:36:05,150 --> 01:36:09,024
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2372
01:36:09,067 --> 01:36:11,069
♪ UPSIDE HIS HEAD
2373
01:36:11,113 --> 01:36:12,244
♪ YEAH
2374
01:36:12,288 --> 01:36:16,335
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2375
01:36:16,379 --> 01:36:18,424
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2376
01:36:18,468 --> 01:36:19,512
♪ YEAH
2377
01:36:19,556 --> 01:36:23,429
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2378
01:36:25,475 --> 01:36:26,606
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
2379
01:36:26,650 --> 01:36:30,610
♪ I'M GONNA SLAP YOUR CAT
2380
01:36:30,654 --> 01:36:32,787
♪ YEAH, YEAH
2381
01:36:51,501 --> 01:36:53,459
[EXPLOSION]
2382
01:36:53,503 --> 01:36:57,072
[SCHECKY LAUGHING
MANIACALLY]
2383
01:37:08,039 --> 01:37:10,520
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK HOME VIDEO
2384
01:37:10,563 --> 01:37:15,220
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--
2385
01:37:15,917 --> 01:37:19,137
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]
2386
01:37:20,922 --> 01:37:22,924
[LAUGHING STOPS]
151958
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