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1
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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
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00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:38,381
Peter, you sure you're
allowed to bring a baby
onto the golf course?
11
00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,705
Well, Lois asked me to watch
Stewie for the afternoon.
12
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,518
It's all right.
I don't think
the club will mind.
13
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:44,075
It's Cleveland
I'm worried about.
14
00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:48,180
Peter,
is this really necessary?
I can't hardly see anything.
15
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:50,082
Hey, look.
It's President Nixon.
16
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:53,318
No, wait, it's a black guy.
No, it's Nixon.
17
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,652
Oh, boy. That was close.
18
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:57,856
Ugh! Will you please hurry up?
It's 100 degrees out here.
19
00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,625
You're a worse parent
than Britney Spears.
20
00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:03,328
I know, I know.
21
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:07,032
Oh, the gift basket was
not worth the trip,
not by a long shot.
22
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:10,261
Oh, I got to get that.
I'll talk to you later.
23
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:16,174
Hey, Joe.
Don't say it, Peter.
24
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,508
I was just wondering...
25
00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:19,344
Peter, I swear to God.
26
00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:20,912
What's your handicap?
27
00:01:22,515 --> 00:01:25,950
Oh! Every hole!
That's a joke that
just doesn't get old!
28
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:32,123
God damn it! Come on, come on!
Shit, shit, shit!
29
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,460
Come on, Glenn, come on!
Get your head
in the goddamn game!
30
00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:39,698
Hey, do you think
it's time to talk
to Quagmire
31
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,833
about his anger issues
with this game?
32
00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:45,022
A white man shouldn't
play sports
in the first place.
33
00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,340
Hey, hey, hey!
That's a stroke!
34
00:01:48,408 --> 00:01:50,488
I just tapped my ball,
Quagmire. Relax.
35
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,378
Oh, relax?
Oh, okay. Oh, look,
I just tapped my ball.
36
00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,680
Oh! Just tapped it again!
Oh. Oh. Tap, tap, tap.
37
00:01:55,749 --> 00:02:00,452
Oh, where is it?
Oh, it's in the hole.
Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
38
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,899
Hey, Quagmire.
You know it's not fun
when you're like this.
39
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:05,323
You want fun, go home
and buy a monkey!
40
00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:06,758
What does that even mean?
41
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:09,394
I don't know. Boy, we got
a beautiful day for this.
42
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,734
Hi, Mr. Herbert.
Here's your paper.
43
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:20,939
Oh. Sorry, Chris, but I'm
afraid I'm gonna have to
cancel my subscription.
44
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:23,074
Cancel?
But you love this paper.
45
00:02:23,144 --> 00:02:25,611
Listen, I think
you're a real nice guy,
46
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:28,746
but I've just decided to
go with another paper.
47
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:33,719
Hello there, Kyle. You look
nice today. I see you're
wearing your big shorts
48
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:38,557
with the baggy leg holes
that flutter so carelessly
in the breeze.
49
00:02:38,625 --> 00:02:41,827
Here's your paper.
What are you doing here?
Beat it, nerd!
50
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:46,565
Thank you. Would you like to
come inside for a cupcake
and a glass of wine?
51
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,266
Shut up, old man.
52
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,103
What's going on in my pants?
53
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,040
Looks like we got
six more weeks of winter.
54
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,147
We now return to
Cutting in Line
in Front of Italians.
55
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,253
Whoa!
Whoa!
56
00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:11,167
Copernicus, why don't younavigate yourselfto the back of the line
57
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:13,458
with your feet and stand there
with your shirt?
58
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,527
Hey, Peter,
how was your golf game?
59
00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:18,796
Well, Lois, you tied
my golf shoes a little tight
before I left the house.
60
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:20,610
Had to deal with that all day.
Thank you very much.
61
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,445
Oh, my God.
Look at Stewie!
62
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:24,614
Peter, you took him out
without any sunscreen?
63
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:25,837
Maybe.
64
00:03:25,905 --> 00:03:28,440
You know the sun is dangerous
for a baby's skin.
65
00:03:28,509 --> 00:03:29,985
Peter,
this is more irresponsible
66
00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:32,510
than when you fed
your mogwai after midnight.
67
00:03:32,579 --> 00:03:35,925
Peter, didn't the little
Chinese man tell you not to
feed him after midnight?
68
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:40,384
Oh, come on, Lois.
He's so cute and he's hungry.
What could happen?
69
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:46,091
Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
70
00:03:48,661 --> 00:03:50,329
Kill it, kill it!
71
00:03:52,699 --> 00:03:55,739
What the deuce are
you all staring at? Is there
something wrong with me?
72
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:02,107
Wow! Look at me.
I'm a young Eartha Kitt.
73
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:07,612
"President Johnson,
bring our boys home
from Southeast Asia.
74
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:09,914
"It's an unwinnable war."
75
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,149
My God, look at you.
76
00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,884
Oh, look at my complexion,
Brian.
77
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:17,088
I am hot. I'll be getting
more sex than that
Wisconsin nymphomaniac
78
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,690
who used to live upstairs.
79
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,525
Oh, God! Oh, God!
80
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:24,796
Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
Oh, crap! Oh, crap!
81
00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,799
Crap! Crap! Crap!
82
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:32,304
Oh, crap.
83
00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:39,110
Dad, I was wondering
if I could borrow $17.
84
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,224
Chris, what do you need
money for? Isn't that
why you have a paper route?
85
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:46,351
No, this new kid named Kyle
keeps stealing
all my customers.
86
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:49,755
Oh, that's terrible.
You're a wonderful paper boy,
Chris,
87
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:52,168
and you need to remind
your customers of that.
88
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:55,660
She's right. You gotta
stand up for yourself
like my great-grandfather
89
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,563
Turn-of-the-Century
Take-on-All-Comers Griffin.
90
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,600
All right. Put 'em up.
Put 'em up. Are you
having a bully day?
91
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:04,235
I'm having a bully day.
Is everyone having
a bully day?
92
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:05,614
Bully.
Bully.
93
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,606
Yes, bully.
Oh, thank God
we live in this time.
94
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,313
Stewie, what are you doing?
95
00:05:14,381 --> 00:05:16,415
Just getting my bronze on, baby.
96
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:19,818
Hey, what do you think
of my recumbent tan pose?
97
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:23,488
Legs probably spread
a little wider than they ought
to be, but who gives a damn.
98
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:27,592
This is just Tanned Stewie
being Tanned Stewie.
Check me out, Brian.
99
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,504
Hey, Mr. Herbert.
I want you back.
100
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,073
Please, will you be
my paper-customer again?
101
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:45,977
Oh, hey, Chris.
Oh, is that my phone?
102
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,516
Oh, better go get that.
103
00:05:51,585 --> 00:05:53,563
Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass.
104
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,320
Hey, don't call me names, Kyle.
105
00:05:55,388 --> 00:05:57,055
Hi, Kyle.
106
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,958
Mmm.
107
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:03,628
Well, listen. It was
wrong of you to steal
my customer away from me.
108
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,162
And I want him back.
109
00:06:05,231 --> 00:06:06,631
Oh, yeah?
110
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:10,168
Look,
Griffin got his ass kicked.
111
00:06:10,236 --> 00:06:11,402
What a loser!
112
00:06:11,471 --> 00:06:13,371
I have that shirt at home.
113
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:15,139
You...
114
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,841
You pushed me.
115
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:21,846
Boys, boys. We can
settle this like reasonable
and sexy teenagers.
116
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:25,783
Whoever can swallow
the most Tylenol PM wins.
117
00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:35,627
Oh, my God.
Chris, what happened?
118
00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,161
Kyle beat me up.
119
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,064
You let that little punk
beat you up?
120
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,910
Peter, you should be
more sympathetic.
121
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:43,368
Remember, you had a bully too
when you were his age.
122
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:47,338
Yeah, you're right.
Randy Fulcher used to pants me
every chance he got.
123
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:51,042
My book report is
on the giving tree.
124
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:52,822
Nerd!
125
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,746
Randy!
126
00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,416
Nerd!
127
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,352
Randy!
128
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:05,230
Nerd!
129
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:07,091
Randy!
130
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,373
Peter, I think one of us
should go over and have
a talk with Kyle's parents.
131
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,496
I'll do it, Lois.
132
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:14,065
Right after a healthy
breakfast of juice, toast,
133
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:18,236
and store-brand imitation
Frosted Flakes featuring
Terry, the Tiger.
134
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,037
They're food!
135
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:27,345
Hey, ladies.
You mind if I park here?
I'll only be a few minutes.
136
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:28,913
Stewie,
what is that on your lip?
137
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,582
I drew a pencil moustache.
138
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,730
I like it 'cause it's just
above my lip. The kind
of moustache that says,
139
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,531
"Yeah, I've been nude
on camera. What of it?"
140
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:38,456
Come here.
I'll take care of that,
sweetie.
141
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:40,325
It's got spit all over it.
142
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:43,628
Now I know what it feels like
to have dinner
with Martin Landau.
143
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:48,833
What people forget about
Polanski is, Polanski
wasn't the perfectionist.
144
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:53,237
And pedophile or not,
he was a perfectly
professional person,
145
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,506
and punctual.
146
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:57,241
Yeah. Maybe we could
talk about something else.
147
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:01,579
You know, my wife and I
are very involved
in Planned Parenthood
148
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:06,083
which provides possibilities
for people who are
underprivileged.
149
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,219
Maybe chew your food
a little, champ.
150
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,095
Who are all these people?
151
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,875
Oh, just a few friends
over to enjoy this
gorgeous weather.
152
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,333
Maybe take a dip in the pool.
153
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:24,402
Hey, Devon, Devon, come here.
Brian, this is Devon.
154
00:08:24,470 --> 00:08:26,315
Devon just finished
directing a movie.
155
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:30,875
Yeah, it stars a little
actress named Joan Van Ark.
Maybe you've heard her.
156
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,111
Right, possibly.
157
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,946
You're talking out of your ass.
158
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:39,350
It doesn't matter, Brian.
I'm tan. Hey, Brian, Brian.
Look at my tan walk.
159
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,165
Devon, do you have a cigarette?
160
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,349
Sure. And here's a copy
of my last movie.
161
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,036
It's essentially
Brokeback Mountain
162
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,861
from the point of view
of the horses.
163
00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:52,041
Hey, the sun's been up
for an hour.
Shouldn't we get riding?
164
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,231
Are they still sleeping?
165
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,666
I don't know. I'll check.
166
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,537
What? What? What is it?
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
167
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:02,073
What?
Oh, my God! Run!
168
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,578
Hey, there.
Are you Kyle's parents?
169
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,880
Yes. Can we help you?
170
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,548
Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin.
171
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:13,785
Listen,
apparently your son got into
a little scrape with my kid.
172
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:15,787
Oh, dear.
They're not getting along?
173
00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,555
Like an old guy and a midget.
174
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,804
Sir, will you please
stop staring at me?
175
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:23,294
Where's the rest of you?
176
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,563
So listen,
Chris is pretty upset
about what happened.
177
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,465
Would you mind
if I had a word with your son?
178
00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:30,101
Not at all.
He's up in his room.
179
00:09:30,169 --> 00:09:33,304
Hey, there, Kyle. Hey,
I'm Chris Griffin's father.
180
00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,084
"Hey,
I'm Chris Griffin's father."
181
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:37,909
Now that's not very nice.
I don't sound like that
at all.
182
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,156
You're making me sound
like Michael Stipe.
183
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,159
Listen, I just want you to
know what you did
the other day was wrong.
184
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,793
"What you did the other day
was wrong."
185
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:46,162
You're not making this easy,
Kyle.
186
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,685
"You're not making this easy,
Kyle.
187
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:51,256
"My name's Peter Griffin.
I'm a big, fat,
dumb butt-face."
188
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,657
Shut up, Kyle.
189
00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:55,193
"I'm Peter Griffin.
I'm a dorky,
fat, numb-nuts."
190
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:56,494
Kyle, I said shut up.
191
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,862
You're a poop-nose.
192
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,163
Hey, Peter.
Hey, what's going on?
193
00:10:21,187 --> 00:10:26,057
Is something wrong?
No, no.
Everything's cool right now.
194
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,860
Might be some problems later,
but we'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
195
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,399
Hello. Peter did what?
196
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,612
Well, I'd best be
getting to work.
197
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,971
It's nighttime.
Boy, you said it.
All right, take it easy.
198
00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:44,642
Peter, you get down
from that tree this instant.
199
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,377
No, you're going to yell at me!
200
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:50,514
You're damn right,
I'm going to yell at you.
You beat up a 13-year-old boy!
201
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,849
He called me names.
202
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:54,986
You're 43
and you just assaulted
our neighbor's child.
203
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,154
This is
a very serious situation.
204
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:59,657
Well, maybe you should've just
had an abortion, Lois.
205
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:02,060
Would that make you happy
if I was never born?
206
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,368
What?
I'm going to prison, aren't I?
207
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,447
What are you doing?
Got to keep the tan up.
208
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,038
It's not a skin color.
It's a lifestyle, Brian.
209
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,787
See, you wouldn't
know that because
you're white as a ghost.
210
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:19,844
You're haunting this house
with your whiteness, Brian.
211
00:11:19,912 --> 00:11:22,472
Hey, wake me up in 15,
will you, babe?
Fine.
212
00:11:25,952 --> 00:11:31,422
♪ Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go down
to Kokomo
213
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:35,760
♪ But not too fast
'Cause Stewie takes it slow ♪
214
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,467
Oh, crap. Stewie!
215
00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:00,051
Hey, buddy. I was
just coming to tell you
it's time to get out.
216
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,164
I've been in there
for six-and-a-half hours,
217
00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,066
you son of a bitch!
Don't touch me!
218
00:12:04,090 --> 00:12:06,790
Well, how...
Can you get up?
I'll try.
219
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:20,638
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Get the lotion.
Put the lotion on me.
220
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,576
Brian?
Hi, Mr. Furley.
221
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:26,845
This isn't what it looks like.
222
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,313
Never mind.
I'll come back later.
223
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:36,153
Now be polite, Peter. Kyle's
mother agreed not to press
charges if you apologize.
224
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:38,189
Hello, Lois.
Hello, Claire.
225
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,859
We just came by because
there's something Peter
would like to say to Kyle.
226
00:12:42,696 --> 00:12:44,239
Go on.
Sorry.
227
00:12:44,263 --> 00:12:46,930
Say it right, Peter.
Oh, oh! Sorry.
228
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:49,300
Thank you, Peter.
Now what do you say, Kyle?
229
00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:50,880
Apology accepted.
Good.
230
00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:53,015
Now why don't you
patch things up
with Mr. Griffin
231
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:55,150
by showing him your LEGOs, hmm?
232
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:59,043
You got LEGOs? Sweet.
Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
233
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:00,511
They're the same thing, Peter.
234
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,746
You know what, Lois?
They're not the same thing
235
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:04,760
and the sooner you get that
through your thick skull,
236
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,318
the sooner we can get
this marriage back on track.
237
00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:11,522
Hey, listen.
Sorry about beating you up.
I felt pretty bad about it.
238
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,792
Hey, this look like
a spaceship to you?
Sorta.
239
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:16,827
Well, I never was very good
at building things.
240
00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:19,730
Like that time I built
that handmade electric razor.
241
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:23,034
By gluing many razor blades
to this ordinary desk fan,
242
00:13:23,102 --> 00:13:25,269
I'll save time
in my morning routine.
243
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,275
Lois, I've done it again!
244
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:39,250
You don't have to apologize.
I would've done
the same thing.
245
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,819
I mean, bullying makes you
feel pretty cool.
246
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:44,122
Yeah. I guess
it was kind of cool.
247
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,591
You know, I always used to be
the nerd getting bullied,
248
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,626
but doing it to someone else
was pretty sweet.
249
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:51,395
And the more you do it,
the sweeter it gets.
250
00:13:58,170 --> 00:13:59,170
Cook much?
251
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,017
Peter, what the hell
is wrong with you?
252
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:04,453
What's wrong with me?
You're the one
punching yourself in the face.
253
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,977
Peter, stop it.
254
00:14:06,045 --> 00:14:07,456
Hey, Lois, how come
you keep punching yourself
in the face?
255
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,147
Peter, knock it off!
You're gonna hurt yourself.
256
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:11,382
You're getting her good.
257
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,950
Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.
258
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,919
You horse's ass!
259
00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:22,927
Ew!
260
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,795
Hey, Brian.
You want some Stewie jerky?
261
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:26,731
Oh, God, that is disgusting.
262
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:30,501
I'm finally starting to peel.
I'm telling you, Brian,
my tanning days are over.
263
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:33,804
I'm just glad
I stopped before I did
any real damage to my skin.
264
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,408
I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't remember you
having that mole before.
265
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:40,389
What the devil!
Where did that come from?
Brian, what is that?
266
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:43,047
I don't know. Of course,
your sunburn was pretty bad.
267
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:45,983
I suppose it could be
the C word.
268
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,896
What the hell does that
have to do with anything?
269
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:48,920
No. Cancer.
270
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:51,489
Oh... Okay,
I thought you meant...
271
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,792
It's not important.
Oh, no. Cancer.
272
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,433
Well, the mole looks benign,
but we won't know for sure
273
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:05,447
whether it's cancerous
until the tests come back
in a few days.
274
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:07,771
A few days?
I could be dead by then.
275
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,009
Relax, Stewie. He said
it looks benign. We'll just
have to wait and see.
276
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,612
Jim Henson
had a "wait and see" attitude
and look what happened to him.
277
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,948
Now we've got
wrong-sounding Muppets.
278
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,194
Hey, Swedish Chef.
279
00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:19,884
Oh, hey, Kermit,
what's going on?
280
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,730
I'm hungry.
Oh, that's no problem.
281
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,022
I could cook you something.
You want some spaghetti?
282
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,190
That's like my specialty
in junk.
283
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,493
Yay!
284
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,336
Dad, what's wrong with you?
Why are you acting like
such a bully?
285
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:41,016
'Cause there are
two kinds of people
in this world, Chris.
286
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,075
There are bullies and there
are nerds. And there are
hot Asian chicks.
287
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:48,913
They'll do what you want.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
You better believe it, buddy.
288
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:50,882
They will do what you want.
289
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:53,117
Because they know.
They know what you want.
290
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:55,097
"Oh, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
291
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,366
"I won't hurt you.
I won't hurt you.
292
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,490
"Me, big American man."
293
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:03,327
My point being that
I'm a bully, not a nerd.
Now where was I? Oh, yeah.
294
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:04,473
Aah!
295
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:05,963
Dad, get away from me!
296
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,743
Oh, Peter's farts are
coming to get you.
Dad, stop it!
297
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,244
Peter's farts are
coming to get you.
Dad, come on!
298
00:16:09,268 --> 00:16:11,747
Here comes Peter's farts!
Coming to get you!
299
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,705
Oh. In the kitchen, Meg?
300
00:16:17,576 --> 00:16:20,945
Brian, I may only have
one week to live and I've
got to make the most of it.
301
00:16:21,013 --> 00:16:23,692
Now,
I've made a list of things
I want to do before I die
302
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,517
and you've got to help me
since this is all your fault.
303
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,987
Visit Chicago museum of art.
Okay, we can do that.
304
00:17:05,124 --> 00:17:08,459
Next on your list,
you want to learn
to ballroom dance.
305
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,443
All right, if you're
going to make me do this
at least let me lead.
306
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,387
Fine. You lead.
All right then.
307
00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,617
I love you.
What? What did you say?
308
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,653
Olive juice.
Olive juice?
309
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,955
Olive juice you, too.
310
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:41,959
All right. Next up,
you want to star in
a national TV commercial.
311
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:45,129
If you're like me,
you suffer from
chronic back pain.
312
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:48,877
Oh-oh, back pain.
313
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,501
And chronic neck pain.
314
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:52,377
Uh-oh.
315
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,704
Neck pain.
316
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,417
Or the occasional wrist pain.
317
00:17:57,677 --> 00:18:01,223
Oh-oh. One of those parasitesthat swims up your crank andstarts eating away in there.
318
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:04,448
What? No. No,
I don't have one of those.
Just the wrist thing.
319
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,016
No, it's in there.
320
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,486
Did you go swimming last week?
Yes.
321
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,288
Did you pee in the river?
322
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:11,522
Yes.
323
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,801
You got one.
324
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,392
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
325
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:16,838
I'm just kidding.
It's only your wrist.
326
00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:18,929
What? You suck.
327
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:21,932
You're supposed to use
your deep voice for good,
not evil.
328
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,501
You suck, man.
329
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,738
Hey, you nerds want to
see a puppet show?
330
00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,173
Peter, put me down.
331
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:31,220
I told you not until you sing.
332
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:33,644
♪ High on a hill
was a lonely goatherd... ♪
333
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:39,083
Dad, what are you doing
to Mr. Swanson?
334
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,185
Peter, put him down right now.
335
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:44,522
Beat it, Lois.
Peter, stop it.
Joe is your friend.
336
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:45,822
Shut up, you nerd.
337
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:47,458
Hey.
338
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,059
Peter, look at yourself.
339
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:51,974
You're no different
than that bully
who used to pick on you.
340
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,364
Are you kidding?
I'm nothing like
Randy Fulcher.
341
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:56,667
Oh, no?
Does that look familiar?
342
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,438
Oh, my God.
You're right, Lois.
343
00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,174
I shouldn't be bullying
the people I care about.
344
00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:08,445
I should be bullying
Randy Fulcher.
He's the jerk in all this.
345
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,914
Like Dick Cheney
when he was
a Wal-Mart greeter.
346
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,986
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
347
00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,369
Well, that's it for the list.
348
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,293
Not quite, Brian.
349
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:26,597
There's one more thing I
need you to do before I die.
Write down my final thoughts.
350
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:30,001
Oh come on.
I don't have much time.
351
00:19:31,937 --> 00:19:35,873
"O squiggly line in my eye fluid
352
00:19:35,941 --> 00:19:40,677
"I see you there lurking
on the periphery of my vision
353
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:45,116
"But when I try to look at you
you scurry away
354
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:48,152
"Are you shy, squiggly line?
355
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:54,258
"Why only when I ignore you
do you return
to the center of my eye?
356
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:59,330
"O squiggly line,
it's all right
You are forgiven"
357
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:05,936
Hello. Oh, hi, Dr. Hartman.
All right. I'll tell him.
Thanks. Bye.
358
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,305
You don't have cancer.
You're going to be fine.
359
00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:11,876
Really? Oh, thank God!
Oh, thank God!
360
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:15,980
Wait, wait. Look,
there's no reason we can't
finish the memoir anyway.
361
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,015
Let's see what you got so far.
362
00:20:20,018 --> 00:20:22,920
Oh, you are just
the worst type of person.
363
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,656
Dad, what are we doing here?
364
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:29,660
Chris, I'm going to show you
how to stand up to a bully.
365
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,207
But first I'm going to
show how when I
366
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:32,908
pull the drawstrings
on my sweat shirt
367
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:35,933
and spit out a candy bar,
I look like an anus.
368
00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,506
Ew! Ew! Ew!
369
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,346
Hey, Fulcher.
370
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,515
Griffin?
The feeling's mutual.
371
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,716
What are you doing here?
372
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:54,985
I'm here to kick your ass,
Fulcher.
373
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,833
I'm going to beat you
and then my son, Chris,
is going to beat you.
374
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:00,435
It's going to be
an old fashioned
father-son beat-off.
375
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,760
Wait a minute, Dad,
you can't hit him.
376
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,327
Yeah, I have MS.
377
00:21:04,396 --> 00:21:07,431
Oh, you hear that, Chris?
This guy's got
a monkey scrotum
378
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,601
and he's bragging about it.
Now you really got me mad.
379
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,103
No, Dad.
380
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:24,748
Stop!
381
00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:29,052
Sorry I had to do that, Dad,
382
00:21:29,121 --> 00:21:31,989
but you wanted me to learn
to stand up to a bully.
383
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,157
Well, I'm standing up to you.
384
00:21:34,227 --> 00:21:36,993
Stop bullying people, Dad.
385
00:21:37,062 --> 00:21:39,663
My God. Chris, you're right.
386
00:21:39,732 --> 00:21:44,234
Look at me. Look what
I've become. I thought
it'd feel good to be a bully,
387
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:48,472
but all I did was make
people feel as bad as
Randy made me feel.
388
00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:50,241
I'm just a big jackass.
389
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,710
It's all right, Dad,
I forgive you.
390
00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:56,213
As long as you promise never
to bully anyone again.
391
00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:58,348
I promise, Chris.
392
00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,696
I mean, you know,
unless I get really
stinking drunk,
393
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,832
in which case
all you got to do is
outrun your sister.
394
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:07,524
Oh, I like that. That's nice.
That's a warm family moment.
395
00:22:07,593 --> 00:22:10,093
I agree. We can all learn
something from that.
396
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:13,730
Wocka, wocka.
Who wants to hear
a funny-ass joke?
32411
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