All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E02 Mother Tucker.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, this is so exciting.

Maybe we'll get lucky
and see another crash
this year.

Yeah, we can get some souvenirs.

Last year, I got an altimeter
and a shinbone.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

This is boring. I'd rather
be home watching that video
from The Ring.

Peter, don't. They say
if you watch that video,
you die.

That's a lot of baloney.

♪ And we can build
this dream together

♪ Standing strong forever

♪ Nothing's gonna
stop us now ♪

Look,
there's Mr. Quagmire's plane.

Ladies and gentlemen,
keep your eye on the sky

for the aerial acrobatics
of Captain Glen Quagmire.

Well, gonna need some help here.

All right.

Wait a minute, where...
Oh, my God, where's Stewie?

Don't panic,
Lois, we'll find him.

I'm good at picking people
out of a crowd.

Oh, gosh, this is hard.

Yeah, could I get
a better look at number two?

And, number four,
could you step forward, too?

Okay, number five,
look at number one.

Look at him
like you haven't seen him
in a while and you're happy.

Okay, not too happy,
not too happy.
Pull it back, pull it back.

Okay, and number three,
could you say,

"Julie, I promise to
get back on my feet
before the baby arrives."

Julie, I promise to
get back on my feet
before the baby arrives.

He's good.
Yeah, he's always good.

Very good.
Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, thank you.

Stewie. Stewie.

Hey, everybody,
it's Weenie and the Butt here
live at the Quahog air show.

We're all ready for the Weenie
sound-alike contest.

I don't know, Butt.
I don't think they can say
my catchphrase, because

"They no funny."

There it is.

And if you think you can say
that just like Weenie here,

you could win $97.1
for the cool weekend ahead.

Weenie and the Butt.
Weenie and the Butt.

Cool weekends
in the morning, 97.1 FM.

Cool weekends
in the morning
with Weenie and the Butt.

WQHG 97.1.

97.1.
97.1.

Weenie and the Butt.

In the morning, cool weekends.

FM.

Weenie, Weenie, Weenie.
And the Butt.

And welcome back.

Excuse me,
I gotta find a lost kid.
Can I use your mike?

That's what she said.

Whoa! You got Butt-slammed!

Listen, I could
really use a hand here.

That's what he said.

Butt slam!

That's Manic Monkey on 97.1.

Manic Monkey, 97.1.

Cool weekends in the morning.

All weekend long.
Weenie and the Butt.

In the morning.
In the morning.

On the radio.
FM.

Give me that. Stewie Griffin,
will you please report
to the radio booth.

Stewie Griffin.

Hey, that's quite a voice
you've got there.

You ever think about
doing radio?

Well, I listen to
a lot of radio.

Peter and Lois
leave the radio on
when they go out

so I feel like somebody's home.

Well, here's my card.
Call me if you're interested.

Hey, okay, we've got
our first contestant.

Let's hear Weenie's catchphrase.

"They no funny."

I think we have a wiener!

And that's Dicky,
the Punch Line Donkey,
on 97.1.

Dicky,
the Punch Line Donkey,
on cool 97.1.

Cool weekends.

On the radio.

In the morning.

FM.
Cool.

WQHG. Cool weekends.
In the morning.

On 97.1.

97.1.

And now back to Round Table,

with Al Michaels,
Harold Ramis, Ray Romano
and Kermit the Frog.

Rezoning laws are infringing
on the rights of citizens.

If I might interrupt
for a minute,
I'd like to point out...

You've had your time.
Let someone else speak.

I haven't said a word.
It was that guy.

Don't look at me.
I can't get a word
in edgewise.

Well, then who the hell's
been talking this whole time?

Thelma.
Hello, darling.

My God,
what a pleasant surprise.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Peter, I left your father.

What?
Wait, wait. Hang on a second.

I never see you,
and then you finally
come visit me

and you drop a bombshell
like this?

This is just like
what happened
at the Peanuts reunion.

Stupid song.

What are you looking at?

Yeah, it's me.

Your old punching bag,
Charlie Brown.

Everybody wish
Snoopy was here?
And Woodstock?

Everybody wish Snoopy
and Woodstock was here?
Well, they're dead.

And guess what?
I sold Snoopy the junk.

That's right, he got it from me.

I swear I didn't know
how strong it was.

And now he's dead.
They're both dead.

I don't give a crap
about Woodstock, but Snoopy...

Get off me, you skank.

I can't believe you left Dad.

I have needs
that he didn't satisfy.

And I'm still a young woman,
Peter. 82 is the new 74.

I'm putting my fine ass
back on the market.

Boy, this is really going to
upset my evil brother,
Thaddeus.

Yeah. This will surely
affect my inheritance.

Hi, there, I'm Brian Griffin,

and you're listening to
The Lunch Hour,
serving up food for the mind.

Today's entree is politics.
What's on your mind today?

The governor's budget?
Stem cell research?

Give us a hot spoonful of
your opinion. Okay, we have
a question from Quahog.

Caller,
you're on The Lunch Hour.
Can I take your order?

Yes, I'll have a big helping
of the pretentious crap.

Whoa! Sometimes
the crazy ones get through.

Okay, we have Rose
from Cranston on the phone.

Welcome, Rose,
can I take your order?

Yes, that turkey,

that raw turkey that you
ate off the counter last week
that got Lois mad,

when you pooped that out,
was the timer still in there?

And we're out of time.
This has been The Lunch Hour.

Join us next week,
when our guest
will be Gore Vidal.

And remember,
life is full of entrees,
so don't fill up on bread.

I'm gonna throw you now
to Weenie and the Butt
in the afternoon.

Weenie and the Butt.

97.1.
In the afternoon.

In the afternoon.

Oh, my God.
WQHG.

Turn it on and rip the knob off.

You're listening to the radio.

Sir, I'm very sorry.
That was this guy I know.

He thinks he's hilarious.
He is hilarious.

I was on my way in here
to cancel your show,

but the banter you did
with that guy...

Well, as we say
in the radio business,

"If you put that on the radio,
people will listen to it."

Make him part of the show.

You don't want him.
He's not really
a professional like me.

Listen, you get that kid
in here. We need more laughs
on the show.

Well, I guess he couldn't be
any worse than Tim McCarver
is at sportscasting.

In my view, as good as
the Yankees were in
the first half of this game,

that's how as bad
they've been now.

Poor Peter. I know
he's having a hard time
with this whole divorce thing.

I feel kind of guilty that
I'm here looking for a date.

Thelma, stop that.
You have a right to be happy.

And there's a lot of
great people here.
Why don't you mingle?

Oh, my God, Lois,
you single now?

No, Glenn, I'm here with Thelma.

Who's Thelma?
This is Thelma.

Ew!

I don't know if
this is gonna work, Lois.

I'm a little shy
at these types of things.

You can overcome shyness.

Think of the spider
in Charlotte's Web who
had to overcome Tourette's.

I don't know, Lois.

I haven't met
a single interesting person.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
trying to get back on my feet

after having my ass
handed to me
by my bitch of an ex-wife.

I'm Thelma.

I'll just be going.

Can I get you some punch?

Oh, no. You see,
if you're one of 10 million
Americans like me...

Like me.
Like me.

With a bladder control
problem, punch just
goes right through you.

Ew!

I didn't hear you
come in last night.

Did you have a good time at
your prostitutes' convention?

Peter, I was just trying
to help your mother
meet some new friends.

Lois, you're too nosey.

Like that waiter
at that restaurant.

And who had the prime rib?

I hardly think that's
any of your business.

Come on, Mom,
you can't stay in bed all day.

You gotta call Dad
and get back together with...

Holy crap!

We'll have more on these
new developments after this.

I can't believe
what I saw in there.

You were messing around
in what was basically
my first apartment.

Peter, you should be
happy for her.

She's just having fun.

I don't see what the problem is.

Tom is a wonderful man.

I don't see the problem, either,

but let's go to Ollie Williams
for the in-depth analysis.
Ollie?

Lady's old.
Thanks, Ollie.
Over to you, Peter.

Look, this isn't right,
you know?

I mean, you guys are like
Harold and Maude.

What would your
grandchildren think?

I would be remiss in my duty

if I did not tell you

that the idea of... intercourse

and the fact of your
firm young body

commingling with...
withered flesh,

sagging breasts

and flabby buttocks

makes me want to vomit.

Tom Tucker, I forbid you
to see my mother.

Peter, you can't
talk to Tom that way.

He won a local Emmy
for his work
with the retardeds.

They certainly wanted to
hug me. Maybe, in time,
you will, too.

Thanks for watching.
I'm Tom Tucker. Good night.

All right, look.
Let's get one thing straight,
Stewie.

The only reason you're here
is that my boss ordered me
to bring you on.

All right? This is my show,

and it's a serious,
intellectual hour
of discussion,

and I want to
keep it that way.
Hey, no problem.

All right.
In three, two, one.

This is The Lunch Hour
with your host...

Hey, what's up, Quahog?

From the station that reaches
the beaches, you're listening
to Dingo and the Baby.

Dingo and the Baby.

97.1, Quahog.

Oh, baby.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?

They're just wacky sounds,
you know, to liven things up.

D-i-n-g-o.

Dingo.

Dingo and the Baby.

Oh, sexy girlfriend.

Peter, would you stop spying
on your mother's date?

I can't stand it anymore, Lois.

I'm gonna put a stop to this.

- Hello?
- Hello, yes.

This is Tom Tucker's
personal physician,
Dr. T and the Women.

Could you tell Tom
his contagious penis cancer
medicine is ready?

Is this Peter?

No, it's Lois.

Lois, don't crank call
my mother. I'm gonna
have to pinch you for that.

Ow! Peter, don't pinch me.

Stop that.
Knock it off, damn it!

Cut it out.
Maybe I'll tickle you,
huh, how about that?

No, don't.
Here you go.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Cut it out. Stop it.

I mean it. I mean it.

Ah! Ah!

Well, I told you to stop.

I tickle you,
you hit me in the head
with a frying pan?

I told you to stop.
I taste blood.

Well, there's a lot of it.

Hey, there, champ.

Peter, I know this is all
a big adjustment for you,

but all I want is
for your mom to be happy.

Well, why can't she
go back with my dad?

Well, I can't answer that,
but I'm gonna do my best
to make her even happier

than those kids on
Three Wishes with Amy Grant.

What's your wish, Billy?

Can you cure my cancer?

No, but how about
if Spider-Man gives you
a $50 gift card to Sears?

Here. Get well.

You know, I heard
a rumor about you today.

You did?
Yup. I heard
you like milkshakes.

Oh, boy, do I!

Let's go get ourselves
a shake, huh?

Yeah.

I want to get a milkshake, too.

Too bad.
Go get your own father.

Hey, Carl, can I get
a carton of smokes, please?

Sure, Brian.

And what's that little rubber
mailman you got behind there?

Oh, you like that, huh?

Yeah, does that thing squeak?

Yeah, it does.

All right, I'll take that,

and I'm gonna hurry home
and show it to Lois.

Hey, I'd recognize
that voice anywhere.

You're Dingo, that dog
that plays all those
fart sounds on the radio.

Awesome!

Oh, yeah, yeah,
sorry about that,

the show's gotten
a little lowbrow.

What are you talking about?

It's, like,
the most hilarious show ever.

Hey, could I get your autograph?

My... Really?

Wow, you're...

Gosh, you're making me
feel more important than
a dwarf among midgets.

Hey, can you reach the Crispix?

Yes, I can.

How awesome is this?
Going out to dinner
with my new family.

Hi, can I help you?

I want... I want that one.

All right, hold on,
we'll get you that one.

I want straws.
We'll get you a straw.

You want a kid's meal?
No.

Do you mean "yes"?
Yes.

Okay, one kid's meal.
And what'll you have, honey?

I'll have a fish sandwich
and a Sanka.

Oh, he's adorable.

Say hi to the nice lady,
Peter. Oh, he's shy.

♪ I don't believe
in frettin' and grievin'

♪ Why mess around with strife?

♪ I never was cut out
to step and strut out

♪ Give me the simple life

♪ Some find it pleasant
dining on pheasant

♪ Those things
roll off my knife

♪ Just serve me tomatoes
and mashed potatoes

♪ Give me the simple life ♪

We now return
to the Sunday afternoon movie,

Masturbator and Commander.

Captain, the enemy ship
has opened fire on us.

I'll be right out.
Sir, we've already
lost 10 men.

Hang on.
Sir, don't you think
we should return fire?

Yeah, yeah,
go ahead and do that,

and I'll meet you up there
in, like, five minutes.

Peter, I've never
seen you so happy.

Well, Lois, I never
realized what it was like
to have a real dad.

I mean, my own dad
was such a ballbuster,

I guess I just always
thought that was normal.

But Papa Tom is so different.

For the first time in my life,
I feel like I have
a real family, you know?

I mean, I'm not just
going through the motions
like I do around here.

Hey, champ, you want to
watch Chicken Little?

Yeah.

And what does a chicken say?

"Moo."

Why not?

Come on, Ma.

Hey, what gives
with the suitcase?

Tom, there's no easy way
to say this. I'll just
come right out with it.

I'm leaving.

What? Leaving? Why?

Tommy, this has been great,

but I wasn't looking
for anything long-term.

I just needed someone
to clear all the bats
out of my plumbing.

What do we do now, Bill?

We write, Tim.

We write our story.

Goodbye, dear.

It's all my fault!

I know it hurts right now,
Peter, but we'll
get through this.

You're still my little buddy,
right?
Yeah.

Then we'll be okay.
Goodnight, buddy.

Goodnight Papa Tom.

Goodnight, son.
Goodnight, Lois.
Goodnight.

Peter, this is a little strange.

No stranger than when
Darth Vader was a meter maid.

Come on, man. Cut me a break.
I was only in there for,
like, five minutes.

I already started
writing the ticket.

You know, I make your
annual salary in a week.

Are you happy
doing what you're doing?
'Cause you're pathetic.

I gotta do it, Karen.
I just gotta take a shot.

That guy... That guy
just got to me today.

You do whatever you think
is right, and I'll support it.

I don't really understand it.

What do you want this loan for?

I want to build
a giant space station
that can destroy a planet.

I don't know that
that would be a good
investment on our end.

I mean,
I want to open a sports bar.

Good morning, Quahog.

You're here with Dingo...

And the Baby...

And if you're thinking about
changing the station...

Don't you do it!

Today we got homeless Hank
from the dumpster
out back with us.

Hey, I got an idea.

How about
the first three women
willing to come down

and have sex with Hank
get free boob jobs
courtesy of Dr. John Viener?

Are you reading my mind, man?
Let's go to the phones.

Go ahead, caller, you're on
with Dingo and the Baby.

Is this Dingo?
Yes, honey, what's your name?

Sindy, with an "S."

Ooh. Hot. Hot.
Oh, yeah,
that's hot, that is hot.

Tell me something, Sindy,

how'd you like to
come down here
and get naked for us?

Sure.

I think we got a show.

Oh, yeah, we got a show.
We definitely got a show.

Oh, yeah, there's a show.

After all,
AIDS is a deadly,
incurable disease.

But no matter how you come
to judge Charles Wheeler
and his partners

in ethical, moral,
and in human terms,

the fact of the matter is,

when they fired Andrew Beckett
because he had AIDS,

they broke the law.

My God, what is wrong with you?

I swear to God that was
supposed to be "food fight."

I want some ice cream.

No, Peter, you finish your food.

You, hey... You get back here
right now, mister.

Don't you...
Get down from that chair
or you're in big trouble.

You put that
ice cream back right now.

I mean it.
I am not kidding around.
I am not gonna say it again.

If you put that ice cream
in your mouth, you're gonna
be in big trouble, young man.

I hate you, I hate you.
I want my mommy.

Well, I'm the best you've got.

All right,
so you know the drill.

We're gonna turn on
the hot dog cannon,

and for every hot dog
that you catch in your mouth,

you get $100 toward a boob job
that you desperately need.

I know.
Okay, here we go.

Oh. A miss.

Oh. You got her in the eye
with that one.

Whoa! That one was
a teat-seeking missile.

I'm looking for Brian Griffin.

Gore Vidal?

I was supposed to do
The Lunch Hour.

This is The Lunch Hour.

That one felt like my dad.

- Incest in the morning.
- Suppressed memories.

97.1.

I think I may have
made a mistake.

No, no, no, no, this is it.
You're in the right place.

Listen, why don't you
stick around and talk
for a while.

My listeners would
love to hear about
your new book.

$100, boob job!

I'm gonna go.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Hey, it's all about ratings,
baby, and we got 'em.

No, it wasn't worth it.
I'm sorry, Stewie,
I can't do this anymore.

I'm more of a sellout than
you were when you did those
Butterfinger commercials.

Nobody better lay a finger
on my Butterfinger.

What's your problem?

Papa Tom's being a jerk.

At least he talks to you.

He's my dad and he hasn't
paid attention to me in weeks.

Well, all in all,
you should be thankful.

I think the Kennedys
had a kid like you,
and they had it put to sleep.

Hey, Peter, I'm sorry
about that business
with the ice cream.

I guess I'm just
still a little torn up
about your mom.

But, hey,
I'll make it up to you.
Let's play catch.

Okay.

Wait a minute. You know what?

I think you should
play catch with Jake.
Really?

Yeah, I had a taste
of what it was like
to have a real father.

I can't make him share his.

Well, all right, Peter.
Come on, Jake.

I guess I've learned
a little something about what
it means to be a good dad.

Hey, Dad, do you want
to play baseball?

Oh, my God, could you
leave me alone?
You are the neediest kid.

I can't believe
you gave up our show.

Yeah, sorry.

I wonder who they
got to replace us.

It's magic hour
with Dark Chocolate...
And the Rod.

In Rod we trust.

97.1.

Giggity Giggity Goo.