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1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:07,048
Agent Sterling Archer, code name Duchess.
2
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,591
License to kill.
3
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:11,678
Covert operations...
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:15,098
...unarmed combat, firearms, explosives...
5
00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:18,434
...asset acquisition, enemy agent disposal.
6
00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,687
Missing.
7
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,563
For three months.
8
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:26,693
Sterling's been missing for three months
and you idiots have nothing.
9
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,903
Well name-calling's not gonna get us...
10
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,617
Anywhere.
Which is where Archer could be.
11
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:37,912
Malory, we've checked every safe house,
run down every lead.
12
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:42,125
And he hasn't touched any
of his bank accounts, so unless he... Oh.
13
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,836
Were you gonna say,
"Unless he's been skimming cash...
14
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,296
...from his operations accounts
all these years"?
15
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,383
Yeah, duh, right?
He wouldn't dare steal from me.
16
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,135
Oh, please, we all...
17
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,346
Think he would dare to do that.
18
00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,099
So we've got a highly-ish skilled
covert agent...
19
00:00:58,267 --> 00:01:00,852
...who probably has millions of dollars
in cash.
20
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,437
Who doesn't want to be found.
21
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,440
Being looked for by people
who don't want to find him.
22
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:06,733
Whatever.
Meaning whom?
23
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:10,319
Oh, don't give me that.
You're all secretly delighted that he's gone.
24
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:14,157
Well, I wouldn't say delighted, but...
I cannot say I miss the bullying.
25
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:17,660
Me neither.
Plus ISIS actually turned a profit this quarter.
26
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:19,370
Be that as it...
27
00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:20,830
No, never mind.
28
00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,000
Because since you've all been
half-assedly phoning it in...
29
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:28,337
Malory, he can't be found.
I mean, if he's even still, um...
30
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,175
Still what?
Alive.
31
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:36,012
Jeez. Ow. Talk about "duh."
I bet he already totally killed himself.
32
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,973
No, he didn't. What's wrong with you?
33
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:41,726
Nothing.
Because my skeevy Russian fiancée...
34
00:01:41,894 --> 00:01:45,354
...wasn't murdered in front of my very eyeballs
at my stupid wedding.
35
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,398
No!
36
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:48,691
Katya!
37
00:01:49,193 --> 00:01:50,860
- No!
- Whoo!
38
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:54,322
How's that feel, Archer, huh?
Now both our weddings are canceled.
39
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,824
Barry!
40
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,535
Ha, ha, ha.
Is that how you crash a wedding?
41
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,997
Yes, it is, Bionic Barry. Yes, it is.
42
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:07,794
No. No matter how distraught Sterling
is over Katya, he won't kill himself.
43
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,212
He'd never do that to me.
44
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,173
He's alive somewhere,
and since you fools can't find him...
45
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,467
...I called in someone who can.
46
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,553
Say hello to Rip Riley, manhunter.
47
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,640
Manhunter? Now, if that's not the pot
calling the kettle black.
48
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:25,728
Oh, Rip, you old so-and-so.
How are you, Mal? Besides gorgeous?
49
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,398
Oh, I'm not, I'm a mess.
I'm worried half to death about Sterling, and...
50
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,234
Don't be. I tracked him down.
What?
51
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:32,401
See?
How?
52
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:35,154
Yeah, this new thing called
intelligence gathering.
53
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,033
Anywho, he's on a little island
called Wapuni in French Polynesia.
54
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,701
With his millions in cash.
55
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,870
Tending bar.
Or not.
56
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,581
I'll pick him up tonight.
Three days back to New York...
57
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:50,086
...so if you're not busy Friday night...
I'll book us our old booth at 21.
58
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:51,921
Outstanding. Riley out.
59
00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:55,258
What a hunk.
Total sploosh.
60
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,344
Actually, yeah,
gotta give him the sploosh.
61
00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:04,183
And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is,
which I guess is just sploosh.
62
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:06,185
Only with semen.
63
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:47,476
Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that.
64
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:50,563
- You know, I'm not like that...
- No, hey, come on, don't do that.
65
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:54,150
Don't ruin your postcoital bliss
with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
66
00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,111
How is it misplaced?
I'm on my honeymoon.
67
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,989
At least you got a honeymoon.
My fiancée was murdered.
68
00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:01,616
Wait, what?
Yeah.
69
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,409
Oh, and you married an idiot.
70
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:06,370
Who plays 36 holes of golf
on the first day of his honeymoon?
71
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,332
Not to, whatever,
but that can't bode well for your marriage.
72
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,751
Get the hell out, you piece of shit!
73
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:15,004
Seriously, I hope she didn't sign a prenup,
because... Oh, my God.
74
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:18,758
Ahem. Hey, so, what happened
was somebody ordered room service...
75
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:23,346
...but the regular room-service guy, he died,
so I came in here and then I fell on the bed.
76
00:04:23,513 --> 00:04:25,431
Wait, you're not her husband.
77
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,184
And you're not one of my dick bosses,
so can I help you?
78
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:32,188
Yes, you can quickly and quietly walk down
to the dock and board my seaplane.
79
00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:36,317
Okay, A, rhetorical, and, B, your what?
Seaplane.
80
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:40,488
Looks like an airplane had a baby with a boat.
Yeah, I know what a seaplane is.
81
00:04:40,656 --> 00:04:43,783
Yet you're surprisingly unclear
on the phrase "quickly and quietly."
82
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,160
And even more unclear on who you are.
83
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:49,372
Name's Rip Riley. Your mother hired me
to bring you back, Sterling.
84
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,499
She what? I mean, who?
85
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:55,711
I'm Randy, see? So you can just go back
to that other guy's mother...
86
00:04:55,879 --> 00:05:01,133
...and tell her that even if you did find
that other guy, he's never coming back to ISIS.
87
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,346
Wait, did you say ISIS or...? How did ISIS
suddenly get in the mix, is what I'm asking.
88
00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:08,015
I'm asking you for the last time
to get on that plane.
89
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,726
You wanna try and make me, Rip?
No, I don't.
90
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,687
And I promise...
91
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,692
You don't want that either.
92
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,986
Hey, so listen.
93
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:21,904
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
94
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:25,783
But I'm willing to, you know,
let bygones be gone by the wayside.
95
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,327
Good to know. But I'm not there yet.
96
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:32,081
Well, give it some time.
Speaking of, how long is this stupid flight?
97
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:34,583
About 40 hours in the air.
Hooray.
98
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,460
But I have to island-hop to refuel.
99
00:05:36,628 --> 00:05:40,464
Old Lucy Goosey here only has a range
of about a thousand nautical miles.
100
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,758
Yeah, making it wildly impractical. Got it.
101
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,427
This plane is totally practical.
102
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,638
For the ridiculous image
you're trying to cultivate for yourself.
103
00:05:47,806 --> 00:05:50,349
What image?
Sky captain of yesteryear!
104
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,269
At least I'm not sky captain
of "I ran away from home."
105
00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,521
I didn't run away from home.
I'm a grown man.
106
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,399
Whose fiancée was murdered
in front of his very eyes.
107
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,943
So excuse me for needing some time
to grieve.
108
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,070
By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
109
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,948
Apparently that's my grieving process.
110
00:06:06,116 --> 00:06:09,618
And also I need to use the bathroom.
A, it's called the head, and, B, no.
111
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,663
Pee in your pants.
Yeah, wrong number.
112
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,750
And I've had nothing but liquor
and mangoes for three months...
113
00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:19,378
...so unless you wanna fly a thousand
nautical miles sitting next to that...
114
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,297
Okay, I'm setting the autopilot.
115
00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,758
But this better not be a ruse.
Heh, heh. A ruse?
116
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:26,469
Hello? Hi, it's the 1930s.
117
00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,929
Can we have our words, clothes
and airplane back?
118
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,848
Let's go, kid.
Call you back, 1930s.
119
00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:34,101
And, hey, watch out for that Adolf Hitler.
He's a bad egg.
120
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,395
No, one pedal fills it with water...
121
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,647
I did that.
...the other pedal flushes it.
122
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,524
No, it doesn't. Ugh.
123
00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:43,694
You come try.
I gotta choke down this gag reflex.
124
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:47,156
Yeah, quit being a dick
for five seconds and unlock the door.
125
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:48,491
It doesn't have a lock.
126
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:51,911
Damn it, I'm gonna puke and there's no room
in the toilet or the sink.
127
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,330
What the hell did you put in the sink?
128
00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:57,166
A ruse, you big dumb idiot.
129
00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,252
And also a bunch of shaving cream
and toilet paper. Ha, ha, ha.
130
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,629
Just because.
131
00:07:01,797 --> 00:07:04,673
Where does Malory get off implying
that we didn't do our best?
132
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,425
No, she straight-up said it.
133
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,011
What she implied
was that we're jealous of Archer...
134
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:11,347
...and that you're still attracted to him.
135
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,682
- I... That's... What?
- Oh, please.
136
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:17,186
You're so hot for him,
I could reheat this chili in your cooch.
137
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,856
Don't you have some humans to resource?
Actually, no.
138
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,693
Most of my job is dealing with sexual
harassment complaints against Mr. Archer.
139
00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:28,781
So are we gonna make some cooch chili
or what?
140
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:34,537
What the...? What the holy...?
What in holy hell are you doing?
141
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,665
It was gonna be an old-fashioned
but I couldn't find bitters.
142
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,375
How long was I out?
Hard to say.
143
00:07:39,543 --> 00:07:42,211
After I shaved and stuff,
I took a pretty long nap, so...
144
00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:46,549
Uncuff me, you idiot. Holy God,
if we overshot our chance to refuel...
145
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,553
I thought you put it on autopilot.
It just maintains course and altitude.
146
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:55,015
It doesn't know how to find
the only airstrip within a thousand miles...
147
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,309
...so it can land itself when it needs gas!
148
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,104
Then I, uh, misunderstood the concept.
149
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:01,897
Uncuff me!
Okay. God.
150
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:04,400
Wait, first promise
you won't take me back to ISIS.
151
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,736
ISIS? You'll be lucky
if I can get us back to land.
152
00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,072
Now uncuff me!
Okay. God.
153
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,366
Wait a minute. Is this a ruse?
154
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:18,080
Because if it is, pretty elaborate.
155
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,794
Damn it. There goes number two.
156
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,755
But it can land on water, right?
Isn't that the whole point?
157
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:31,093
It's kind of a different story
when we're dropping like a ton of bricks.
158
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,346
Damn, I can barely hold her level.
Want me to help steer or...?
159
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,767
Haven't you done enough already?
How is this suddenly my fault?
160
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:40,686
Okay, this is it.
161
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,355
Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it.
162
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,107
Looking good, girl.
163
00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,444
I think we're gonna be okay.
Wait, you didn't put the wheels down.
164
00:08:48,612 --> 00:08:49,862
The what? What are you...?
165
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,989
No!
166
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:40,996
Damn it!
167
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,248
Ah!
168
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,633
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
169
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,802
Two personal records!
170
00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:59,390
For breath-holding and number of sharks
shot in the fricking face.
171
00:09:59,557 --> 00:10:01,684
Did you see that?
172
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,519
Dude, are you even alive?
173
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,688
No, that side's too low.
174
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,983
Well, I can't tell from here.
Well, I can, and it's too low.
175
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,901
I think you mean "premature."
176
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,362
What did you say?
Nothing.
177
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:17,783
Archer doesn't want to come back, so I don't
know how Riley's gonna get him on a plane.
178
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,868
Which I bet will crash.
Yeah.
179
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:22,788
Now, you listen.
Sterling is coming home safe and sound...
180
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,708
...and when he does,
it'll be no thanks to you people...
181
00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:29,169
...so you can forget about getting Carvel.
Oh.
182
00:10:29,337 --> 00:10:30,713
Cookie Puss.
183
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:36,176
What the...? What in the holy hell
are you doing now?
184
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:38,220
Ugh. Wondering why
this is called a D ration.
185
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,724
Ought to call it a Y ration, as in,
"Hey, this tastes like cat shit."
186
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,935
They're not candy bars, jackass,
they're survival rations.
187
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:48,564
They might have to last us a while.
Um...
188
00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,733
Oh, you son of a... Okay, that's it.
189
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:54,028
As of right now, I'm... What the...?
Looking for this?
190
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,989
Give me that.
No. You're agitated.
191
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,575
I'm agitated
because you crashed my plane...
192
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:03,203
...in the God knows if it's even the middle
of the Pacific Ocean.
193
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:06,373
Which you're floating on,
and not getting shit out of a shark in.
194
00:11:06,541 --> 00:11:08,751
Wait, what?
I saved you from a shark, Rip.
195
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:11,920
Let's see, after I pulled you out
of that shit heap of a plane...
196
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:15,424
...but before I gave you CPR
and bandaged your head.
197
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:18,594
Oh. Well, thanks.
You're welcome.
198
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:21,055
Sorry I ate so much food.
That was a dick move.
199
00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,432
If it makes you feel better,
I puked most of it up.
200
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,142
It doesn't.
Raft's pretty bobby.
201
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:29,271
We've got a few gallons of freshwater,
a desalinator for when that runs out.
202
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:32,399
Let's see, flare gun and some flares,
fishing gear. Oh!
203
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:33,859
And this guy.
What is that?
204
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,945
Emergency beacon.
Beams a signal directly to the ISIS satellite.
205
00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:41,450
Oh, well, that's just great.
Now I get to deal with this...
206
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:47,164
...as my hot meatball sub congeals
into a big, fat, disappointing blob of shit.
207
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,416
Nobody's gonna touch that?
208
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:53,087
Yeah. So I figure three days
for ISIS to get a rescue team out here.
209
00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:56,757
Nice. So we just kick back,
catch a few rays, catch some sushi.
210
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,051
Not gonna be a picnic...
Can I check that out?
211
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,637
Don't mess with those knobs.
I got the frequency set.
212
00:12:01,805 --> 00:12:04,431
Hey thanks, Guglielmo Marconi...
213
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,767
...who I think invented the radio.
214
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,227
Over.
215
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,479
But if the emergency beacon is going off...
216
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,982
- Oh, my God, their plane crashed.
- Ah!
217
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,652
I said that would happen and it did.
218
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,071
Oh, my God.
What if I have psychokinetic powers?
219
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,491
I don't know.
Just try to only use them for good.
220
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:23,992
- No.
- Well?
221
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,079
Don't just sit there sweating
like a gigantic cheese.
222
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,498
Do something.
Ow! And I am.
223
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,876
Our satellite's locked on the beacon,
which is, jeez, the middle of nowhere.
224
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:36,004
Lana, Ray, get there this instant.
Uh...
225
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,758
Sort of following up on his thing
about the middle of nowhere. How?
226
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,636
The black titanium corporate card?
227
00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,346
I thought it was just a myth.
228
00:12:44,514 --> 00:12:47,599
Like a big, beautiful, no-limit unicorn.
229
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,351
Charter a private jet to Honolulu.
230
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:53,063
Then I don't care if you have to buy a plane,
get out there and find him.
231
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:55,274
Wait. No, that's not in the budget.
232
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:59,403
Say "budget" to me again, Cyril.
Save your receipts, please.
233
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:01,947
And call me the very instant
you have an update.
234
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:06,785
And you. You lose my son, you'll have to drink
your meatball subs through a straw.
235
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:08,036
Again, ow!
236
00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:10,747
And again, the satellite
is locked on the beacon...
237
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,667
...so unless he, I don't know, throws it away...
238
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,502
Why the hell would he do that?
239
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,214
I told you. I'm not going back there.
Well, you say that.
240
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,759
Riley, I will shoot you.
Then I'll shoot you. With a flare.
241
00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:25,554
Then I'll use a D ration bar
and two survival crackers...
242
00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:30,017
...to make s'mores over the crackling fire
that used to be your chest cavity.
243
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,187
Goddamn, dude.
Sorry, but you're acting really crazy.
244
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:35,230
Well, being a spy makes you crazy.
245
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,484
I mean, what kind of job is that,
where your fiancée gets murdered?
246
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,320
Hello, stress. And don't even get me started
on my mother.
247
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,572
I mean, she...
She can be a steel-clad bitch.
248
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,741
I know. Why do you think I left ISIS?
249
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:49,161
You were an ISIS agent?
Briefly, way back.
250
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,581
Didn't work out, because your mother...
Was impossible to please.
251
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,082
God, if you only knew.
What?
252
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,210
How much your mom loves you.
253
00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:59,421
You would at least have the heart
to go tell her you're quitting in person.
254
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:03,175
Sheesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Man up. Talk to your mother.
255
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,428
Then you can be a bartender
and destroy a new marriage every week.
256
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:10,891
Come on, that marriage was doomed.
And so are we, if we don't work together here.
257
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,477
So truce?
Uh...
258
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:15,187
Yeah. And, hey, we're not doomed. Look.
259
00:14:17,607 --> 00:14:21,068
Over here! Hey!
No, no, no, quit waving. Get down.
260
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:24,279
Don't you wanna get rescued?
Yeah, but those could be pirates.
261
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:28,700
Okay, well, then they'll just have to do
till we find some cowboys and Indians.
262
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,370
What?
What "what"? What are you talking about?
263
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,540
I'm sorry.
264
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,292
I didn't know pirates were...
265
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:39,545
...still a real thing.
266
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,760
This is not at all what I pictured.
You hear "pirate ship"...
267
00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:49,972
...you think sails, cannonballs.
Not one of these guys has a beard.
268
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:52,266
Are you done?
Hang on.
269
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:53,767
Planks. Now I'm done.
270
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,937
The fact that we're still alive
tells me they're gonna try to...
271
00:14:57,105 --> 00:14:58,647
Don't say "rape."
272
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,274
Ransom us.
Awesome.
273
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:03,485
Compared to rape,
which seems like a thing pirates would do.
274
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:05,946
Those numskulls who picked us up
were so drunk...
275
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:08,365
That did seem piratey.
They forgot to search me.
276
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,993
Unless you've got Navy SEALs stuffed
in your pants...
277
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,995
No. I've got the signal beacon.
So?
278
00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,664
We stall the pirates
until the ISIS rescue team shows up...
279
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:19,001
...boards the ship, takes them all out.
Bing, bang, boom.
280
00:15:21,504 --> 00:15:24,840
Which is funny why?
Gee, where do I start?
281
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:28,135
I will start with the caviar
and the '38 Montrachet...
282
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:31,597
...then do the Kobe tartare
with this '42 Lapin...
283
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,558
...and this chocolate terrine looks insane.
284
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,144
And then just send me
to fat camp and pray to God...
285
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,938
...I don't eat all those fat,
delicious childrens.
286
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,982
Because I will gobble them up.
287
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:46,069
Wow, ISIS has really gone downhill.
But there must be some good agents.
288
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:49,031
It kills me to say it, but maybe Lana.
289
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,200
I doubt that's what Malory had in mind
when she gave us the card.
290
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,202
- You know, we are on a rescue mission.
- Ugh.
291
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,371
Rescue me from myself.
292
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:57,873
Such a fatty.
293
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,626
I wouldn't put all my rescue eggs
in that basket.
294
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,377
Well, you got a better plan?
295
00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:06,423
I don't. I'm not really a planner.
My process is a little more organic.
296
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,804
So let's just play it by ear,
see where the afternoon takes us.
297
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,557
See? This is why I like to keep it loose.
298
00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,726
I mean, the wine's crap, but... Oh, sorry.
299
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,896
No offense, captain.
No, I am who is sorry.
300
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,023
This from million-dollar yacht.
301
00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,901
Now I don't feel bad for killing them.
302
00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:29,529
Serves them right, those jerks.
But you know wine. You rich man.
303
00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,990
Me? No, I'm...
Rich man.
304
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,909
My men take this off you.
305
00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:36,244
The Omicron Spacemaster.
306
00:16:36,412 --> 00:16:38,955
Oh, it's actually the Spy...
Spacemaster, yeah.
307
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,707
Good old Spacemaster.
308
00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:43,251
"To Sterling. Love, Mother."
309
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,253
Your mother rich lady.
310
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,383
Yeah, crazy rich.
She invented the splashless urinal cake.
311
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:50,592
The what?
312
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,053
Well, doesn't matter.
She's rich and she loves me.
313
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:57,391
And I'm really rich
and this is my manservant, Jerkins.
314
00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,267
Funny stuff.
Not now, Jerkins.
315
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:01,770
So I bet she'd pay
whatever ransom you ask for.
316
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,314
Splashless urinal cakes
have been pretty good to us.
317
00:17:04,482 --> 00:17:07,025
As you can imagine.
Yeah, this good to hear.
318
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:10,112
But we can't do any of that
"mail somebody a finger" shit...
319
00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:13,031
No, no, no, we take you back to my island.
320
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,618
Call your mother, get big, big money!
Awesome.
321
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,120
Compared to finger-mailing.
322
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,123
So tell me about this island of yours.
323
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,125
It's a tiny little rock called Pangu.
324
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,003
Nothing else within a thousand miles,
and the beacon has been heading straight for it...
325
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,298
...at about 20 knots.
So a ship must have picked them up.
326
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,092
But I've never even heard of Pangu.
327
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:37,472
Is there a naval base there or?
Not exactly. It's more of a, uh...
328
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:38,682
Pirate fortress.
329
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,310
No, yeah, I just wanted to make sure
you said the phrase "pirate fortress."
330
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:46,773
Which apparently, yes, you did say
the word "pirate," followed by the word...
331
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:50,527
"Fortress." That is the word.
My English so crap.
332
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:54,740
- I bet you just need more practice.
- Jerkins, you're a douche bag.
333
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,033
Funny stuff.
Jerkins, you douche bag.
334
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:00,579
Well, keep at it. Oh, and, hey,
did we cross the international date line?
335
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:05,292
Because I can change the date for you
on that Omicron Spacemaster.
336
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:07,085
Yeah, okay, damn guy.
337
00:18:07,253 --> 00:18:11,173
Yeah, I mean, you wouldn't want
to be walking around like a dickhead...
338
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:14,718
...with the wrong date
on your Omicron Spymaster.
339
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,678
What the hell, damn guy?
340
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,972
It's the Omicron Spymaster.
341
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,726
Which is why it's got knockout gas
and a garrote and I think even a laser.
342
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:26,605
And, Riley, do I have to kill everyone myself?
Huh? Oh.
343
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,191
Oh, shit.
344
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,778
Seriously, what the hell, Riley?
I didn't know you were making a move.
345
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:34,946
Um, dickhead?
Takes one to know one.
346
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,033
No, "dickhead" was the go word.
How was I supposed to know?
347
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:40,368
Sorry, I forgot to tell you the go word was...
348
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:41,703
Douche bag.
What?
349
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,121
I kill you.
350
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,043
But even still, Riley, you gotta be quicker.
351
00:18:48,211 --> 00:18:51,046
I know you're pretty old...
Now that I know the go word...
352
00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:53,799
No, idiot, it changes every time.
What is it now?
353
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,135
Pirates!
That's kind of confusing since we're on a...
354
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:02,724
Ow! Come on, that was right in my fricking ear.
Sorry, I know that hurts.
355
00:19:02,892 --> 00:19:05,143
Hey, come on.
Happens to me kind of a lot.
356
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:08,480
Ow!
I actually have, like, mild tinnitus now.
357
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,817
I mean, it's gotten to where
I had to start sleeping with a fan on.
358
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:15,403
Oh, my God.
Yeah, otherwise it's like:
359
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,907
No, you just killed, like, 10 pirates.
360
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:23,245
Wow, if the 5-year-old me knew that,
he would get a huge boner.
361
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:24,830
No idea why I said that.
362
00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:29,084
Once these idiots figure out they can turn those
cannons on the wheelhouse, we're gonna be...
363
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,921
Kind of confused.
What are they doing?
364
00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:34,965
Looks like they're surrendering.
Why?
365
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:36,883
All they have to do...
Who cares why?
366
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:39,261
I do. What if this is a ruse?
It's not a ruse.
367
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,471
Say something
before they change their minds.
368
00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,390
Do they speak English?
369
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:44,683
Hello, pirates.
370
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,269
Who speaks English?
Let me see some hands.
371
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,188
Wow. Way more than I thought.
372
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:53,275
Excuse me? Sorry, hi, I'm Noah.
373
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:56,361
What are you, the first mate, or...?
Oh, God. Oh, well, thanks.
374
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,530
- No, I'm a bajak budak.
- Okay.
375
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,868
It's sort of a... I guess the nearest translation
is "slave-pirate"?
376
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,953
- Do you speak English?
- I do. Yes.
377
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,330
They don't, though.
They're just surrendering the ship to you.
378
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:09,791
And the fort.
Why?
379
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,585
- You're the new captain.
- The what?
380
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,296
If you kill the old captain,
you become the new captain.
381
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,965
You don't think of pirates
as having a lot of rules...
382
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,967
...but they do and that's a big one.
383
00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,428
Well, uh, tell them hands down.
384
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,056
Holy shit. Did you just see that?
385
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,975
No, I'm too busy looking at that.
386
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,768
What is...? What am I seeing?
387
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,272
Oh, the women always throw
a huge feast when we return to port.
388
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,983
Should I tell them to cancel it, or?
Huh? Uh... Uh...
389
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:38,987
No. No, we're totally feasting. Say that.
390
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:45,452
Nice plan. Once they're good and drunk,
we'll turn this tub around and head home.
391
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:47,871
Home? Riley, I am home.
392
00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:51,082
What? Over my dead body
you're running away to be a pirate.
393
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,501
Of course I'm not gonna be a pirate.
394
00:20:56,631 --> 00:20:59,507
I'm gonna be a pirate king.
33758
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