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1
00:00:03,630 --> 00:00:05,757
Malory Archer. Ho.
2
00:00:05,924 --> 00:00:08,593
You get more beautiful
every time I see you.
3
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,762
Oh-ho-ho, Gussy.
- Minx.
4
00:00:10,929 --> 00:00:14,349
You'll be the death of me yet.
But if I die...
5
00:00:14,516 --> 00:00:17,685
...let it be with the name of this
dusky jewel upon my lips.
6
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:20,813
Lord Feltchley,
may I present Miss Lana Kane?
7
00:00:20,980 --> 00:00:23,107
Yes, you bloody well may.
8
00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:25,026
So nice to, uh... Wow.
9
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,737
Okay, that's kidskin
you're slobbering on, so...
10
00:00:27,904 --> 00:00:29,072
Okay.
11
00:00:29,239 --> 00:00:32,408
Wouldn't want to offend
that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?
12
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:34,619
No offense taken, Your Lordship.
13
00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:36,704
Glad to hear it. Whoever you are.
14
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,790
Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller.
15
00:00:38,957 --> 00:00:40,291
And also my...
- Boyfriend.
16
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:41,960
Person I'm dating.
- No, he isn't.
17
00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:43,127
We date.
- No, you don't.
18
00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:44,963
Ha.
- No, no, no.
19
00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:48,633
Your man's a rakish chap.
Air of mystery, chiseled good looks?
20
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,594
Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex?
- Oh.
21
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:54,055
Archer.
- Archer, exactly just.
22
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:57,642
And if memory serves,
not only handsome, but also...
23
00:00:57,809 --> 00:00:59,185
A secret agent.
24
00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:03,940
That's what I am.
And I shouldn't even be saying that...
25
00:01:04,107 --> 00:01:07,360
...but you have a certain
thickness about you...
26
00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:09,070
...that I very find appealing...
27
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,489
I find
your drunkenness very unappealing...
28
00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:13,741
I am drunk
or I wouldn't be talking to you.
29
00:01:13,908 --> 00:01:17,453
So if you'll please excuse me.
- Hey, come on. Don't be like that.
30
00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,540
Whoops.
- Sterling, look out.
31
00:01:20,707 --> 00:01:23,793
Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach.
32
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:28,339
Free lrishmen will never bow down
before the English crown.
33
00:01:32,594 --> 00:01:34,178
Oh là là, Sterling Archer.
34
00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:35,638
That was totally ninja.
35
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,850
Yeah, if you're...
36
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:40,768
...into that. Hmm?
- Lana?
37
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,187
Hon? Hello?
- Huh? Hey.
38
00:01:44,314 --> 00:01:46,983
What's up, buddy?
- Ugh. Nothing.
39
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,693
Oh, dear.
40
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:51,821
Good show, Archer.
Really saved my bacon there.
41
00:01:51,988 --> 00:01:55,199
Hey, come on. You know I'd never
let anything happen to your bacon.
42
00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:58,453
I love you, Santa Claus.
- What?
43
00:01:59,621 --> 00:02:00,663
I do.
44
00:02:32,737 --> 00:02:34,572
Cyril, we've got big problems.
45
00:02:34,739 --> 00:02:36,240
Well, it may seem
daunting now...
46
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:39,744
...but in the long run the HSA
makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.
47
00:02:39,911 --> 00:02:41,829
I don't mean the health plan.
48
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,707
Unless it covers
Wandering Eye Syndrome.
49
00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:47,418
That depends on if that's a real thing.
50
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,380
Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it.
51
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:51,964
Wait, what?
- Cyril, I know...
52
00:02:52,131 --> 00:02:54,550
...you saw how she looked
at Sterling last night.
53
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,552
Well, I think she was
just shaken up...
54
00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,137
Stirred up, Cyril.
55
00:02:58,304 --> 00:03:01,516
In the loins.
- You think her loins were stirring?
56
00:03:01,683 --> 00:03:05,353
If not frothing.
- Frothing? Great. What should I do?
57
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:11,025
We should make you into someone for
whom Lana's loins get equally frothy.
58
00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:14,195
And how exactly would we do that?
59
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:16,614
She's obviously attracted
to men of danger.
60
00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:17,865
Like Archer.
- Exactly.
61
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:21,119
The perfect field agent.
- Who better to train you to become one?
62
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,287
Archer train me? To be a field agent?
63
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:24,622
He's already been briefed.
64
00:03:24,789 --> 00:03:28,209
But only on the "what,"
mind you, not the "why."
65
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,545
No sense telling him it's about Lana...
66
00:03:30,712 --> 00:03:32,422
Boy, wait till I tell her.
- No.
67
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:36,467
Cyril. Under no circumstance
is Lana to know about our little...
68
00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:39,303
...plan.
- Right. I think. Oh.
69
00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:41,472
- health plan switchover?
- Cyril.
70
00:03:41,639 --> 00:03:44,100
I'll take care of whatever that is.
71
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:46,644
You just concentrate on your training.
72
00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:50,440
And Archer's really okay with this?
- Oh, not at all.
73
00:03:50,857 --> 00:03:53,651
Which is just gravy.
74
00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:56,946
No, I just let mother think that
because I know what she's up to...
75
00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:58,990
...vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me.
76
00:03:59,157 --> 00:04:01,576
And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons.
77
00:04:01,743 --> 00:04:04,120
Trust me, Mother's idea
of horizon-broadening...
78
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:05,580
...is a lot of fights...
79
00:04:05,747 --> 00:04:08,332
...walking home from a lot
of jazz-tap lessons.
80
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:13,337
I so enjoy our talks. You got them?
81
00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:16,340
They're loaded and ready to go?
82
00:04:17,675 --> 00:04:20,678
Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah.
83
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:23,973
So obviously I'm not happy
about this whole arrangement, but...
84
00:04:24,140 --> 00:04:25,433
But your mother is, so...
85
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,018
But I wonder what Lana thinks?
86
00:04:27,185 --> 00:04:29,854
Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this.
87
00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:32,774
Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh?
88
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,985
I'm sure it's not the first time
you kept a secret from Lana.
89
00:04:36,152 --> 00:04:37,862
Uh... Hello. Herpes?
90
00:04:38,029 --> 00:04:39,989
- You gave Lana herpes?
- Ahem.
91
00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:41,699
Hello, Cheryl.
- It's Carol.
92
00:04:41,866 --> 00:04:43,117
What? Since when?
93
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:46,329
Since I had it legally changed
because you always call me Carol.
94
00:04:46,496 --> 00:04:48,164
Wow, that's...
95
00:04:48,331 --> 00:04:50,291
Excuse us.
- Ugh.
96
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,668
Okay, now what is this herpes business?
97
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:54,796
Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm.
98
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,840
Lesson one, get used to that.
- Should I be writing this down?
99
00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:01,177
No. Never leave a paper trail.
- That's lesson one.
100
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,845
So ditch this.
- Hey, that's...
101
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:05,473
- Ow! Jesus.
- My dead mom's pen.
102
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:09,268
Cyril did that.
This is what a real field agent uses.
103
00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:11,062
Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer.
104
00:05:11,229 --> 00:05:13,564
That's because it's a hypodermic needle...
- What?
105
00:05:13,731 --> 00:05:16,692
...and the cartridge is full
of a deadly super-toxin called...
106
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,694
...Poizocaine.
107
00:05:18,861 --> 00:05:20,613
Here. Keep it in here.
- Uh... Hey, whoa.
108
00:05:20,780 --> 00:05:22,740
Wait a minute.
- But be careful.
109
00:05:22,907 --> 00:05:25,368
The cap slips off for, like, no reason.
110
00:05:27,078 --> 00:05:28,579
Beep, beep, beep.
111
00:05:28,746 --> 00:05:30,414
Oh, you giving me the truck noise...
112
00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:34,001
...Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
- I thought you were walking backwards.
113
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,003
It's all the HSA switchover crap.
114
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:39,423
I'm so over that lame flex account.
When does the HSA start?
115
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:41,926
When Cyril e-files these DD-14s.
116
00:05:42,093 --> 00:05:44,345
Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those.
- What?
117
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,014
Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer.
118
00:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,684
I'm sorry, Cyril's off what?
With whom?
119
00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:51,894
I think "somewhere"
was the "what" there.
120
00:05:52,061 --> 00:05:55,022
"Mr. Archer" was the "whom."
- Worlds collide, huh?
121
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,108
Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater.
122
00:05:57,275 --> 00:06:00,903
Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black.
- Ugh.
123
00:06:01,070 --> 00:06:04,615
Did she just race-card me,
or are you totally just gay for her?
124
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:09,287
I'm the Human Resources Director,
Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
125
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:11,013
She is riddled with herpes.
126
00:06:11,122 --> 00:06:14,625
Hey.
Inappropriate workplace topic.
127
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:16,794
And also a dealbreaker.
128
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:18,963
- human Intel...
- Oh, shoot.
129
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:21,424
I forgot about the DD-14s.
- Screw them.
130
00:06:21,591 --> 00:06:22,758
That's Mother's headache.
131
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,803
You tell me, does it
look like I'm allergic?
132
00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:29,307
Jesus Jones, yes.
- So when I asked for cucumber slices...
133
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:31,767
...which one of you idiots
sent up zucchini?
134
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:35,104
That, well, that would be...
- That would be Jane who did that.
135
00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:38,149
Scatterbrain Jane?
- I know, she's just a mess.
136
00:06:38,316 --> 00:06:40,484
- Because this is obviously zucchini.
- Oh.
137
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:44,488
You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't
wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
138
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:46,490
What's that supposed to mean?
139
00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:49,660
That is Pam, isn't it?
140
00:06:49,827 --> 00:06:52,330
Okay, so,
human intelligence entails...?
141
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:56,125
Well, there's false flags,
dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs...
142
00:06:56,292 --> 00:06:59,003
...active doubles, passive doubles,
dangled moles...
143
00:06:59,170 --> 00:07:01,505
...the often under-appreciated honeypot?
144
00:07:01,672 --> 00:07:02,712
Wow.
- One of my favorites.
145
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,260
That sounds like a lot to cover.
- Yeah, so we may have to gloss over...
146
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,137
...almost all of it, but...
147
00:07:08,304 --> 00:07:10,389
Aah!
- Weapon.
148
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:11,682
Oh.
149
00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:13,100
Oh, hey hon.
- Hey back.
150
00:07:13,267 --> 00:07:14,477
Hello.
- What's...
151
00:07:14,644 --> 00:07:16,354
What's this?
- Well, see...
152
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,605
...here's the thing...
153
00:07:17,772 --> 00:07:21,192
Under no circumstance is Lana
to know about our little...
154
00:07:21,359 --> 00:07:22,777
...plan.
155
00:07:22,944 --> 00:07:24,195
Here's what thing?
- Okay.
156
00:07:24,362 --> 00:07:25,488
Archer's DD-14.
- Yeah.
157
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:28,157
That we're on our way down
to clear up with Jane.
158
00:07:28,324 --> 00:07:29,533
Really?
- Well...
159
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,327
...you know Scatterbrain Jane.
Heh-heh.
160
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:33,371
You're cooking dinner later?
- Yes, I am.
161
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,789
Yeah.
- Yeah.
162
00:07:34,956 --> 00:07:36,874
Speargun?
163
00:07:37,208 --> 00:07:40,169
Oh. I can't believe I just did that.
- Yeah, dunce.
164
00:07:40,336 --> 00:07:41,671
Now Jane's a loose end.
165
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:44,590
Hey, Jane.
166
00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,717
You getting a snack?
167
00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:49,804
Keep your story vague.
That's lesson one.
168
00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:53,349
But, I mean, morality aside, how
do you keep track of all these lies?
169
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:58,521
Practice, Cyril.
Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do.
170
00:07:58,688 --> 00:07:59,855
In your job.
- Sure.
171
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:02,274
It was pretty cool how
you handled that speargun.
172
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,027
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
- Will I get to learn karate?
173
00:08:05,194 --> 00:08:07,697
Karate?
The Dane Cook of martial arts?
174
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:10,533
No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
- Krav...?
175
00:08:10,700 --> 00:08:12,952
We've got an ex-Mossad guy,
he comes in Thursdays.
176
00:08:13,119 --> 00:08:16,414
Neat.
- Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class.
177
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,750
So will I need sweatpants?
- Cyril. You need all new clothes.
178
00:08:19,917 --> 00:08:21,252
What's wrong with these?
179
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,340
Sorry.
180
00:08:26,799 --> 00:08:28,467
Oh.
181
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,594
I was laughing at your clothes.
182
00:08:33,389 --> 00:08:37,435
Wow, Archer, you were right.
A tailored suit hangs so much better.
183
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,729
That's because Woodhouse is a genius.
184
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:42,898
Like so many other geniuses,
unappreciated in his life...
185
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,585
Shut up and hem, you old fruit.
186
00:08:44,734 --> 00:08:48,571
Speaking of fruit, sir.
- Oh, sorry. Heh-heh.
187
00:08:48,738 --> 00:08:51,490
- Cyril, check this out.
- Watch yourself.
188
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,785
Really?
- Don't make it weird. It's your friend.
189
00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,204
And so's this baby.
- Jeezy Petes.
190
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:58,998
It's a Chekhov. Russian-made.
191
00:08:59,165 --> 00:09:02,084
.25 caliber.
- When would you use an underwear-gun?
192
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:04,378
Hopefully never. But say you're...
193
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:07,089
...in a Caribbean bungalow
and you're kind of high.
194
00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:09,467
An exotic woman on the bed...
195
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,720
...now is she just the high-priced
whore you asked for?
196
00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:15,014
Or is she an assassin?
- I don't know. I...
197
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,392
Here's room service.
Who ordered champagne?
198
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:19,894
- How should I know.
- Exactly.
199
00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,395
You're baked, can't remember.
200
00:09:21,562 --> 00:09:24,315
Since when does it take three
huge, surly Jamaican guys...
201
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,901
- ...to deliver one bottle of champagne?
- Oh.
202
00:09:27,068 --> 00:09:29,236
Because they're assassins too.
- Or...
203
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:32,281
Maybe one guy's a new waiter,
the second one's training him...
204
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:35,993
...and the third's from maintenance,
finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC.
205
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,745
Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen.
206
00:09:37,912 --> 00:09:40,498
Point is, you come out
of the john waving this around...
207
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,750
...nobody's gonna bug you
for a tip. Here.
208
00:09:42,917 --> 00:09:45,294
It's a gift.
- Thanks, wow, that's slippery.
209
00:09:45,461 --> 00:09:49,048
And the safety's off
so be careful, it could go off for, like...
210
00:09:49,215 --> 00:09:50,299
...no reason.
211
00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:52,259
Now what're these pills?
212
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,179
Oh, just antihistamines mostly.
213
00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:59,308
You just rest, Ms. Archer.
We'll take care of these DD-14s for you.
214
00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:02,353
Damn right you will. Idiot.
215
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,146
Pam, look at this.
216
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:06,941
Holy shitsnacks.
- We have snacks?
217
00:10:07,108 --> 00:10:08,859
Everybody's personal medical records.
218
00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,445
- No, we can't be looking at this.
- Are there snacks?
219
00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:12,863
It's totally confidential.
220
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,740
It totally should be. Look at this.
221
00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:15,950
Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
222
00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:19,703
Cyril tried to get his plan
to cover a penis ensmallment?
223
00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:23,374
Who'd have thunk it?
- I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty.
224
00:10:23,541 --> 00:10:24,875
You bet she does what?
- Oh!
225
00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,335
I bet she, uh... Oh.
226
00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:28,462
I got nothing.
- That's what I thought.
227
00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:30,381
- You seen Cyril?
- Is that Lana?
228
00:10:30,548 --> 00:10:32,091
Wow. What happened to you?
229
00:10:32,258 --> 00:10:35,469
Scatterbrain Jane,
but let me just tell you, okay?
230
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,930
You should be thankful you have Cyril.
231
00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:39,807
Well...
- For about 12 reasons.
232
00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:41,350
Well, thank you, Malory.
233
00:10:41,517 --> 00:10:43,561
But if you don't mind,
I'd prefer to keep...
234
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:47,231
...my personal affairs out of the office.
- Oh, please.
235
00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:50,067
She's had more pens
in that company ink than...
236
00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:52,486
- ...a pen store.
- And yet...
237
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:54,905
...does not have herpes.
238
00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:59,034
Dealunbreaker.
- Ugh.
239
00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,745
What's the matter, baby?
Afraid you'll catch something?
240
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:05,332
No, it's not that. I've just
never been this close to a...
241
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:07,543
Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril.
242
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:09,503
Trinette takes pride in her work.
243
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:10,754
I really do.
- Okay.
244
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,339
So come on budge in.
- Uhn.
245
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,217
Gosh, yeah.
- Now that's not so bad, is it?
246
00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:17,511
Ha-ha-ha.
- No. That feels pretty good.
247
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:20,681
I can tell. You are gifted.
- Okay.
248
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,184
- God, it's just his gun, Trinette.
- Sorry.
249
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,935
Bet this seems pretty weird.
250
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:27,605
Oh, please.
The sick shit I've done in this apartment?
251
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,815
Okay.
- And that wasn't all gun, neither.
252
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,108
Ha-ha. No, ma'am.
253
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:34,778
Hey, can you two focus? Please?
Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what?
254
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:38,782
Yes, quite ready sir.
Though not entirely willing.
255
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:42,203
Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either...
- Could have fooled me.
256
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,449
- Hey.
- Oh, Trinette.
257
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:45,414
It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing...
258
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:48,792
...then your trained field agent eyes
spot two threats.
259
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:51,420
But they're not trained.
We haven't done this yet.
260
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,380
This is how you train them. So.
261
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:56,175
You spot your first threat. Woodhouse.
- Ooh. Hoo.
262
00:11:56,342 --> 00:11:57,782
My knees aren't...
- Barn, barn, barn.
263
00:11:58,135 --> 00:12:01,138
You put him down. But just shoot
the pad, not Woodhouse.
264
00:12:01,305 --> 00:12:03,065
- Like, actually shoot the gun?
- Then.
265
00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:05,434
How else are you gonna learn?
Okay, he's down...
266
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:07,853
...just the pad.
Then you see the second threat.
267
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,481
Oh, no, you're out of ammo.
What are you gonna do?
268
00:12:10,648 --> 00:12:12,316
Oh, that's where the turn comes in?
269
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:14,109
Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position.
270
00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:16,070
I really need a better health plan.
271
00:12:16,237 --> 00:12:20,324
Shut up. Weapon is hot
and live fire exercise...
272
00:12:20,491 --> 00:12:22,993
...in five, six, seven, eight.
273
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:27,748
Tango, tango, tango. Scan
the ballroom of the Cuban embassy...
274
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,000
...for the agent
you're supposed to meet.
275
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,003
You're just some Canadian dude
down here on business...
276
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,589
...and threat. Woodhouse.
- Yes.
277
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:37,341
Cyril. Shoot.
- Oh, oh.
278
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,927
Aah!
- Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake.
279
00:12:40,094 --> 00:12:43,055
Oh! Take that, forces of evil.
- Heh. Ooh.
280
00:12:43,514 --> 00:12:45,683
Whoa.
- Way to go, baby. You hit it.
281
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:48,185
Yeah. I did, didn't I?
282
00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:50,187
Second threat.
- Oh. Right, I forgot about...
283
00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:51,855
- Second threat.
- Jesus.
284
00:12:52,356 --> 00:12:55,025
- Ow! Christ on sale.
- Jesus.
285
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:57,319
Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja.
286
00:12:57,486 --> 00:13:00,364
No, Archer. That was totally uncool.
287
00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:02,032
Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt?
288
00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:05,035
Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot.
It's ice.
289
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:08,539
Okay, we'll use grapes.
- We've only lingonberries, sir.
290
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,374
Ballistically similar to grapes?
291
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:14,003
Screw your grapes and screw your
whatever-berries, I am out of here.
292
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:16,630
No, wait. Trinette, please, I...
- Spying ass bastards.
293
00:13:16,797 --> 00:13:19,383
Please my fat Irish ass. Ow!
- Ooh.
294
00:13:19,550 --> 00:13:21,385
What the hell's
in your freaking pocket?
295
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:22,886
Um...
296
00:13:23,304 --> 00:13:25,055
Ha.
- Oh. Oh.
297
00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,141
I don't feel so good.
298
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,227
Me neither.
299
00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:33,188
And voice-mail again. Huh.
300
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:37,401
So, it's me. Duh. And did you say
you'd cook, or did I mishear that?
301
00:13:37,568 --> 00:13:41,238
I know I misheard you about Jane,
because turns out, I ran into her.
302
00:13:42,156 --> 00:13:44,408
Hey, Jane.
303
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:46,744
You getting a tampon?
304
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,078
Yeah. Loose end.
305
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:50,539
But I'm sure you had a good reason
to lie to me...
306
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:52,958
...so can't wait to hear what it was.
307
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:56,420
Oh, my God, you killed a hooker.
- Call girl.
308
00:13:56,587 --> 00:13:57,671
She was a...
- No, Cyril.
309
00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,757
When they're dead they're just hookers.
310
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:03,260
God, I said the cap slips
off the poison pen for no reason.
311
00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:05,095
I know, but I just assumed...
312
00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:06,847
...that if anything bad happened...
313
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:11,685
No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril.
That, sir, is a facile argument.
314
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,896
And also woefully esoteric.
315
00:14:14,063 --> 00:14:15,773
Woodhouse.
- Fetching a rug, sir.
316
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,609
Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
317
00:14:18,776 --> 00:14:20,611
No. No, I'm not happy.
318
00:14:20,778 --> 00:14:22,571
Well, guess what. Me neither.
319
00:14:22,738 --> 00:14:26,408
I mean, big picture,
I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
320
00:14:26,575 --> 00:14:28,786
Sir. I have fetched the rug.
321
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,746
Plus now I'm out a rug.
322
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:36,377
Oh, God.
I should never have agreed to this.
323
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,797
You and your stupid mother
and her stupid frothing loins.
324
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:44,551
Hey. I know you're upset, but if you
ever mention my mother's loins...
325
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,804
...or their frothiness, to me again...
326
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:50,808
...I don't know what I'll do,
but it will be bad.
327
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,937
Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
328
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,482
Shirt tails. We need a password.
329
00:14:58,649 --> 00:15:00,089
- Hang on a second.
- Ha-ha-ha.
330
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:01,402
How you doing, Ms. Archer?
331
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,986
I am good.
332
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:05,781
- Okay, try... Okay, try "guest."
- Real good.
333
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,784
Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God.
334
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:13,288
I know, right? So here let's make
the co-pay zero, and the deductible...
335
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,457
Super high, right?
- No, low.
336
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,501
You want the lowest deductible.
337
00:15:17,668 --> 00:15:20,003
But don't you deduct it
on your taxes or something?
338
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:21,505
Wow.
- So you want more?
339
00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:23,298
And people think Jane's stupid.
340
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:26,009
Speaking of, it's probably better...
341
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:28,804
...if Jane was the last one to log in.
342
00:15:28,971 --> 00:15:31,682
You are a bitch.
343
00:15:31,849 --> 00:15:33,183
I am not. What?
344
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:37,146
Because I don't want Sterling to end up
with a woman like Lana Kane?
345
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,356
My God, a black...
346
00:15:39,523 --> 00:15:41,650
...ops field agent?
347
00:15:41,817 --> 00:15:44,862
Thought she was going in a whole
other direction with that.
348
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,448
Because let me tell you,
I was black ops.
349
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:52,202
And that does not for a young boy
a very merry Christmas make.
350
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:55,539
Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop.
351
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:59,209
Merry X-mas from Mommy
and Uncle Kermit, stop.
352
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:02,713
Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop.
353
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,341
You made up the last part, didn't you?
- I did, sir.
354
00:16:06,592 --> 00:16:07,634
Douche.
355
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,803
Oh, my God.
- I know, right?
356
00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:13,056
This is the most kickass health plan ever.
357
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,476
And I think I just had a flashback, so...
358
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,854
...these antihistamines are insane.
359
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:22,900
Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one
who killed a perfectly good hooker.
360
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,152
By accident. We could explain.
361
00:16:25,319 --> 00:16:27,488
To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana?
362
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,491
She'd never forgive me.
Archer, my life is ruined.
363
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,284
And all because Mother cooked up...
364
00:16:32,451 --> 00:16:34,286
...this stupid plan...
- But I just...
365
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:37,539
...to make you an agent
just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it?
366
00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:39,583
I'm not sure that's technically irony.
367
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:43,962
What? This is like O. Henry
and Alanis Morissette had a baby...
368
00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,673
...and named it this exact situation.
369
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:47,966
No, it's...
- Yes, it is.
370
00:16:48,133 --> 00:16:51,845
Because a man like you, Cyril,
doesn't deserve a woman like Lana.
371
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,138
You...
372
00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:58,185
You butthole. You set this all up,
just to drive me and Lana apart.
373
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,271
Well?
- Screw you, Archer.
374
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,982
Hey. Hostile work environment.
375
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:07,486
Exactly. And I'm gonna file
a hostile work environment lawsuit...
376
00:17:07,653 --> 00:17:10,364
...against you, and your mother,
and ISIS, and...
377
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:12,533
What? Who the hell is that?
378
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,118
Your confederates in Operation Butthole.
- Cyril.
379
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,538
Those aren't my confederates.
- Well, nice try...
380
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,373
...but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it.
381
00:17:19,540 --> 00:17:22,084
You hear that? I ain't buying it.
- Cyril.
382
00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:24,628
- Oh, my God.
- How about now, Cyril?
383
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:26,755
Are you feeling ready to buy?
384
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:30,801
To Scatterbrain Jane.
385
00:17:30,968 --> 00:17:33,220
And to plan-covered elective surgery.
386
00:17:33,387 --> 00:17:36,223
And the boob job. That you so need.
387
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,976
And the ass-reduction you so need.
388
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:40,686
And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need.
389
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:44,314
Oh, my God, did you hear that?
- What do you think it is?
390
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,316
Immigrants.
That's how they do, you know?
391
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:50,487
Just drive around, listening to raps
and shooting all the jobs.
392
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,032
Then who are those guys?
- How should I know?
393
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:58,495
KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path,
this guy I know named Popeye?
394
00:17:58,662 --> 00:17:59,746
I have enemies, okay?
395
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,915
That's because no one likes you.
- What?
396
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:03,834
Seriously, do you not sense that?
397
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:06,587
I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril.
398
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,171
Well, I was a single mother.
399
00:18:08,338 --> 00:18:11,675
And it's a big dangerous world out there.
400
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:14,177
Are you idiots still even here?
401
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:15,971
So why aren't you better at this?
402
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:19,516
I am the best at this, Rain Man,
okay? I'm like...
403
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:21,310
Who? James Bond?
404
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,604
Well, I don't like
to invite that comparison.
405
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,939
But yeah, basically.
- So do something.
406
00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:29,526
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril.
I'm shooting the gun, see?
407
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,195
I'm driving the car.
- I could drive better than that.
408
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,364
So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
409
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:36,366
No, you are not.
- Yes, I am totally am.
410
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:38,035
Stop it. No.
- No.
411
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,455
Grenades in the glove box.
- Drive me and the hooker to safety or...
412
00:18:41,622 --> 00:18:43,081
- Excuse me.
- Lana?
413
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:45,709
Yeah, I'm looking for two guys.
414
00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:48,211
They're on their way to the morgue?
415
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:52,924
Great.
- Archer, what am I gonna tell her?
416
00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,927
Well, if you learned anything today,
it won't be the truth.
417
00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:59,014
I don't care if you have
50 dead hookers in the trunk...
418
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:00,515
...you lied to me.
419
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:02,184
Did not learn anything.
420
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:05,395
Well, you shot a machine gun at me.
- Around you.
421
00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:07,356
Because my feelings were hurt.
- Well...
422
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:09,066
Why on earth would you lie to me?
423
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,151
I just wanted to show you
I could be...
424
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,695
...a supercool ISIS field agent
like Archer, but...
425
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:16,406
But baby, don't you know I...
426
00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,742
...like you so much...
427
00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:21,411
...because you're exactly the opposite
of Archer?
428
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:24,498
Well, yeah, but...
- Not to mention your other qualities.
429
00:19:24,665 --> 00:19:27,668
Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly.
430
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,713
- He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle?
- Yep.
431
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,925
Hey, so how did you know where I was?
432
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:37,010
When we first started going out...
433
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:40,180
...I may have injected
a tracking device into your body.
434
00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:42,974
In my body? No, no.
Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana.
435
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,103
Do you really wanna open
this can of trust-breachy worms...
436
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:50,607
...right after I caught you and my
ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk?
437
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,693
I do not.
- You do not.
438
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:56,780
Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
439
00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:01,368
You know what? I don't have a "one to
some other number of douchebags" scale.
440
00:20:01,535 --> 00:20:04,788
So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette.
441
00:20:04,955 --> 00:20:07,457
Yeah, Trinette, you shitass.
442
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:09,710
So you know you have to be punished.
- Yes.
443
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,962
You're gonna walk into our video store...
444
00:20:12,129 --> 00:20:13,588
With the sweet old Korean lady.
445
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:17,968
...And buy the nastiest, barebackinest,
hard dickinest, ball splapiest...
446
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:20,303
...interracial porno in there.
447
00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,055
From the sweet old Korean lady?
448
00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:24,391
Yep. How you feel about that?
449
00:20:24,558 --> 00:20:28,145
Like I got off pretty easy.
- Night ain't over yet.
450
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:30,313
Throw me in a trunk?
- Not part of the plan.
451
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,524
Inject me with some crazy spy poison?
452
00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:35,110
It was just a harmless tranquilizer.
- You shitass.
453
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:38,488
I mean, let's be honest, I doubt
that's the first needle you ever...
454
00:20:38,655 --> 00:20:41,158
Ow!
- I never. Give me your wallet.
455
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,451
I already paid you.
456
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:46,329
File a customer service complaint.
I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it.
457
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:48,957
Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye.
458
00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,500
Oh, watch me.
459
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:53,295
Oh. Give me your watch.
- You know how much this thing costs?
460
00:20:53,462 --> 00:20:55,338
Probably less
than a new set of kneecaps.
461
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,592
There. Happy?
- Almost.
462
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:04,014
You know, I bet there's a lesson
to be learned from all this.
463
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:07,476
But I... Oh, shit, my rug.
36743
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