Original subtitles

Do you want to hear a scary story?

I'm dead.

I was killed by a dog.

Thankfully, today is Halloween.

The one day a year a spirit can cross back over

into their body.

Or so I hope.

This spell's not working. My body is still dead as hell.

Though nice job on your Latin, everyone.

Not as easy to creepily chant in unison as you might think.

Ugh! I told you the spells in this book

wouldn't be strong enough, Mom.

They can't even revive the poached animals

in Fred's walk-in freezer.

I'm sorry, but anything stronger

would require my old dark magic spell book.

And I stopped messing with that years ago.

It's too dangerous. The book will corrupt

a user's soul in its thirst for power.

Even just discussing it is affecting the lighting.

But Velma has to come back today.

She's my date to the Sexy Halloween party

in the graveyard tonight.

Wait, that's why you want me to come back?

The stupid party?

Not just that, obviously.

Though half of the pictures in the yearbook

are from this party. We should go if possible.

Girls, stop. Thorn, Velma is all I have.

And if she ascends to the afterlife,

my mother will just turn her against me.

Where is your evil spell book?

The historical society. If they still even have it.

I donated it after its evil demanded

a blood sacrifice on All Hallows' Eve.

The same All Hallows' Eve

the Black Knight first appeared.

-Um, who's the Black Knight? -There's no time.

We have to go to the historical society.

Fred, stay here and make sure

your cleaning lady doesn't throw away my body.

Will not happen again. Promise.

Okay, once inside, we split up and find that book.

It's 5:00 a.m., meaning we only have

19 hours of Halloween left to bring me back.

Nothing can stop us.

Oh, Norville, how could this happen?

Why would Dot wear a sexy kitten costume?

She was 91.

She can't pull it off.

Man, do I have an extra-creepy feeling about this one.

Like we're being watched.

Huh, I don't feel that at all.

Velma, get out of there.

We're the only ones who know you're a ghost.

If anyone sees you, they're gonna freak out.

I know. I'm just trying to figure out

if Dot fell or... was murdered.

Murdered? Who would--

Wait, tell me you're not thinking--

She is wearing a sexy costume.

She fell from a high place. It is Halloween.

Velma, you know only idiots believe

the legend of the Black Knight.

Excuse me, everyone.

It seems Dot was killed by the Black Knight.

What?

Velma.

Daphne?

No.

Who... Who said that?

Up here.

Okay, will someone please tell me who the Black Knight is?

And is it racist? Because it sounds racist.

It's not, amazingly. It's just some stupid story

parents made up to try and stop

the Sexy Halloween party in the graveyard.

You only say that because you weren't there, Red.

I was.

In fact, it was the very first Sexy Halloween party.

Like today, the popular kids planned the whole thing.

And as such, only the sexiest got in.

Losers did not.

However, one particularly huge loser

in a black knight costume was undeterred.

He tried to sneak in through the woods,

but was caught, and when he ran,

the popular kids caught him

and pushed him...

...to his death.

And now, every couple of years on Halloween,

someone in a sexy costume dies in a falling accident.

Or were they pushed

by the ghost of the Black Knight?

Yeah, no, this sounds like good old puritanical propaganda

against sexual expression.

Thank you. Just admit you all hate

your kids wearing sexy costumes

and want us going to the lame unsexy party

you chaperone at school instead.

Daphne, a docent in a sexy costume is dead,

and she's not even hot.

You could wear a garbage bag tonight

and we'd still want you in the gym with the dorks.

And the unsexy party in the gym is fun...

adjacent.

-Tell her, Norville. -Yup, it's fun-adjacent.

What? I thought you were going to the sexy party with Lola.

What?

What happened to the lights?

Daphne.

Chill, it's just me. I found the evil spell book.

What's happening?

Father, I told you, Velma's not trash.

I know Velma's not trash.

But seeing her, well, dead next to my chicken nuggets

makes me realize we need to talk about something

I've been putting off. And it's serious.

Oh, no. You're dying.

But you haven't taught me how to tie a neckerchief yet.

No, Fred. You're bad with money.

What? How can you say that?

I'm great with money. I spend the crap out of it.

Yes. And while it's admirable you're preserving Velma here,

we are losing thousands of dollars a day

in energy costs and ice cream.

Father, I get it. But I have a pretty good feeling

doctors are this close to bringing Velma back.

Wait, that's the spell book? Oh, no.

Father, I need $5,000

and for you to not be a pill about it.

Why?

What does "not be a pill" mean to you?

Fine.

What do you mean the book spoke to you?

Like The Fault in Our Stars?

Nothing will speak to me like The Fault in Our Stars.

No, it literally spoke to me with words,

and it is definitely evil.

Wait, what? What did it say?

It was awful.

Over here.

No. On the left.

Ugh, further left!

Oh, my God, are you blind? You moron.

This is crazy.

I know. But I'm also a ghost. We're in uncharted territory.

Everything I once believed is kinda out the window.

So is that why you suggested

Dot might have actually been killed by the Black Knight?

Obviously. And if the Sexy Halloween party was canceled,

maybe I'd have your full attention today.

Full attention?

You do have my full attention.

Hold up. There's a problem with the party set-up.

-I have to run. -You're leaving?

Just for a second. Grab the evil talking book

and I will be right back.

Ugh. Fine, but there's no way we're doing sexy pottery later.

Well, it looks like it's just you and me, jerk.

That won't help you now, Velma.

What?

Norville, let me see.

Is it sexy or sexy as hell?

Well, yeah, "sexy" is one way to describe it.

Another might be "cold"?

Cold? But you look so hot.

We are going to be the sexiest Pinky and The Brain ever.

It's perfect.

And really smart, because I used to be a brain in a jar.

Sure, but maybe the truly smart play here

is checking out that unsexy party in the gym.

I mean, just because of Dot's murder and the legend and all.

Oh, my God. You sound just like my parents.

Now, come on, it's Sexy Halloween, baby.

Crypts out, nips out.

Huh?

Oh, my God. She's here. She's here.

Whoa, that's a nice reception, but I can only stay a minute.

Now what's so urgent?

I think she was talking about me.

Saweetie! I can't believe it.

You actually came to perform at our party.

Or did your bus just break down?

That's usually how celebrities end up in Crystal Cove.

No, I came to perform.

When you DM'd me 1,000 times saying your girlfriend had died

saving the town from an evil talking dog

and the only thing that could cheer people up was me,

I was like, "This girl is crazy."

But then, I had my people look into it

and, oh, my God.

That actually happened.

Girl, I am so sorry.

-Thank you. -Mmm-mmm. Let me finish.

I'm so sorry because I have to cancel.

-What? -Daphne, I'm very sexy,

and I just heard there's some knight

killing people in sexy costumes.

I tried putting on a turtleneck,

but I was still too sexy.

Turtlenecks are low-key hot.

Shoot! Velma.

Look, I have to run,

but the Black Knight isn't real.

Please perform.

I would, but my backup dancers refused to come,

even though I promised to beef up my security.

Oh. Well, I dunno if this is crazy,

but I know all your dance moves.

We all do. Not just Daphne.

All of us. She's not special.

Really? Let's go see.

If you're good enough to go on, I can still do the concert.

Oh, my gosh.

We're gonna perform with Saweetie!

Daphne. Where the hell are you?

Velma, I can explain. But not well.

So I'm just gonna ask what you're even doing here.

Fred texted me to meet him in the graveyard

and while on the way, I saw Velma on the side of the road.

Running away from the Black Knight. He's real!

He attacked me at the historical society

and I couldn't get the evil spell book.

And let's all be grateful for that.

And the timing of my entrance. How perfect was that?

What are you talking about, Fred?

I arrived at the perfect moment in the conversation.

-Ah! Not that. -Right.

I know about that evil spell book

from my Spooky Stuff Hunting research.

It's nasty.

It would have tried to corrupt us to do its bidding.

Fortunately, I was able to buy another copy.

Won't that also try to corrupt us?

No. The actual evil book is the only one in existence.

I just purchased a $5,000 audiobook version.

Hello.

This is A Witch's Guide to Dark Magic,

and I am your narrator, Richard Kind.

Now you may be asking yourself, why is Drama Desk

and Independent Spirit Award winner, Richard Kind,

narrating this audiobook?

Well, it's because, as an actor,

it's not the size of the part that counts,

it's the size of the paycheck.

Fred, I could listen to this all day,

but you have to skip forward.

I only have until midnight to come back.

"Evil Spell One.

How to smite your sister's milking goat."

That's not it.

"Evil Spell 23.

How to summon an army of zombies."

"Evil Spell 57.

How to create a large language model AI."

"Evil spell 74.

How to reunite a spirit with its corporeal form."

That's it. Norville, wake up.

The spirit must first summon

their ascension light.

Easy. Take me away, Angela Lansbury.

Now, the spell will use this light

to transport the spirit back to their body

instead of the sweet hereafter.

But first, a triangle must be drawn around it.

Why? I don't know. I didn't write this thing.

Now once that's done,

recite the following incantation.

"Spirit world, let 'insert name here'

cross back over."

Spirit world, let Velma cross back over.

Spirit world, let Velma cross back over.

It's working.

Spirit world, let Velma...

What? What happened?

Oh, boy. Ah.

My thumb was covering part of it. It says,

"Before the spirit can cross back over into their body,

each person must first

successfully face their greatest fear."

Face our greatest fears?

I'm sorry. You know what?

I should have said that first. That seems important.

Why do we have to face our fears to bring me back?

Can't I just sell my soul to Satan or something?

No, it makes sense. See, dark magic runs on fear.

I think that's actually why spirits can only cross over

on Halloween in the first place.

Because Halloween is the scariest day of the year.

After St. Patrick's Day, of course.

But how does it work?

So by now, you're wondering,

"How does this work?" Well, when you find your fear,

a triangle will appear on your wrist.

And once you've faced it, the triangle will disappear

and the light will carry the spirit

back into their body. Good luck!

Okay, what's everyone's greatest fear?

Mine is either global warming or Taylor Swift retiring.

Let's pray it's global warming.

Oh, God. Oh, God, no!

Father, Father, pick up!

Guys, we cannot freak out.

We have to face our fears to bring you back.

But what if mine is you dying? Wouldn't that be ironical?

You mean "ironic."

Oh, no! I'm stupid! Kill me. Kill me!

Norville, stop. Your triangle didn't appear.

Being stupid is not your biggest fear.

Oh. Huh.

Well, I'll keep looking. Stay brave, y'all.

Okay, while we figure out what our fears are,

you need to warn the popular girls

about the Black Knight and stop the party.

Yes. You're right. Absolutely.

It's just, you're sure you saw him?

Yes, I saw him. Why would I lie about that?

He's a random ghost, not Tupac.

No, I just wanna be sure.

A lot of work went into the party.

And it would be a shame for everyone to miss it

if not necessary.

Daphne, your triangle.

It appeared when you mentioned missing the party.

Hold up. Is your biggest fear...

FOMO!

I guess that makes sense.

I've been through a lot in my life.

Abandoned by my parents,

almost killed on multiple occasions, dated Fred.

FOMO just must be my biggest remaining fear.

Wait.

-Now your triangle's appeared. -What?

Wait, the party's not also a jazz festival, is it?

You're coming with me, hot stuff.

What do you mean my costume's not sexy enough?

Sexy Isaac Newton is practically redundant.

Ow!

Father, please don't be dead.

Who will pay my cell phone bill?

Fred?

Oh, Father, I thought you died. What are you doing here?

And why are you wearing a suit and sunglasses

like you're at the ESPYS?

Because I just got a job

as one of Saweetie's extra security guards.

It was BYO gun.

What are you talking about?

Fred, given all the mishaps of our family,

your mother being a serial killer,

a dog attacking my wedding,

the Jones Gentlemen's Accessories stock crashed.

-We're poor. -What? No!

Yes, but I might be able to also get you a job

on Saweetie's security team.

A job?

No! Kill me! Kill me!

-Hey. -Hey.

Hmm, no triangle.

Okay, well, if my greatest fear

isn't awkward silences, what is?

You're here. And you look so sexy.

I know I pushed you out of your comfort zone,

but so worth it.

Uh, pretty sure my midriff is frozen

but I'm genuinely glad you like it.

Wait. Could that be my biggest fear?

Your midriff freezing? Me too.

No, Lola, look. I have to tell you something

that I think I've been afraid to say

because I was worried you were trying to change me.

But now I realize I have to say it,

because you are changing me...

for the better, I think. I love you.

What? Oh, Norville, I love you too.

Mmm. Mmm.

Huh? But I thought my fear was saying "I love you."

Which I faced. Why didn't it go away?

Hmm? Sorry,

I'm too shocked to focus.

The way you acted in the costume shop

made me think you were gonna break up with me.

Break up with you?

But that would hurt you

and I'm far too thoughtful to ever purposefully hurt anyone.

Oh, no.

No! Let me go!

Velma, help!

No! Please don't kill her.

Take literally anyone else at the party.

Hell, I'll shortlist it for you.

I don't wanna kill her, Velma.

I only grabbed her to get your attention.

Very delicately, I might add.

I respect sexiness.

What? What are you talking about?

Your whole deal is pushing sexiness to its death.

No. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier,

but you ran away.

I'm being framed.

Framed? So you weren't pushed to your death

by popular kids in sexy costumes?

No. I was. Which, yes, looks bad.

But since that night, I think one of my killers

has continued to murder people

and use the legend of the Black Knight as a cover.

Does this look like the face of a murderer?

Oh, my God. Daphne, he's just a dork.

Maybe even a twerp.

Uh, I don't know about that.

Uh, my mom's friend, Liz, called me a cutie pie.

And my brother used to give me all his skin mags

so... I know what's up.

Okay, but you also died

back when people still said "skin mags."

How am I the first person you're telling this to?

Because if ghosts talk to living people,

they might die from fear. Also, you solve mysteries.

And you want to know who killed you and everyone else

before you pass on, so you can rest in peace.

Yes. But also, if I just let my killers get away with it,

I'll look like a total goober

in front of the angels when I do pass on.

You're not wrong about that.

Velma, you can't be considering this.

It's nine o'clock. You only have three hours

to face your fear and come back.

Two if we want to hit the party.

That's just it, Daphne. He made my triangle appear.

I think solving his murder will lead me

to whatever fear I have to face.

I know can do this before midnight.

Okay, what do you know about the people who killed you?

Uh... nothing.

Aw, crap.

Now, since you know nothing about who killed you,

let's start at the beginning.

According to the legend, you didn't get into the party

because you were, quote, a loser.

And I told you that wasn't true.

You're wearing a knight costume.

-Knights are sexy. -I actually agree.

You do? 'Sup.

Knights are sexy.

Knight costumes are dorky and tryhard.

I don't make the rules.

And what's the rule

on dismissive glibness?

Always rude or always extremely rude?

-Sorry, I'm watching something. -Yeah, now is when people

usually start making out at this thing.

-No. Gross. -Ugh!

Gigi just took the big party group photo for the yearbook.

I thought if I missed that, I would have faced my FOMO.

But no, my hell continues.

Wait, a group photo for the yearbook.

Do the popular girls take one every year?

Yes, but I can't photoshop myself

from last year's picture into this year's. They'll know.

No. If there's a group photo from the year

this guy was killed,

maybe his killers are in it.

We have to get to the yearbook office.

Hey, so we need to talk.

If you need time to think about your "Lola Forever" tattoo,

there's no rush.

No. Okay, this isn't easy for me.

I've just realized my biggest fear in the world

is hurting someone I care about.

Still, I think we should break up.

What? Oh.

Well, that really sucks as you just said you love me.

But if that's how you feel,

I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me.

Wait, so you're not hurt?

Uh, I really thought you'd be hurt.

Hurt? No. I may love you but I love myself more,

and I refuse to give you that power.

Oh, uh, well, in that case,

I guess we don't have to break up.

You wanna go dance or something?

What? So you wanted to hurt me?

No. Not at all.

But are you hurt now?

No! I'm just pissed, you sociopath!

Are you hurt?

Why would I be-- Ah!

These old yearbooks are insane.

Were white guys required to wear afro wigs

to costume parties?

Wait, this might be the one.

That's you, right? Geoff "PT" Wickles?

Why was your nickname "PT"?

You also a Probability Theory fan?

What? No. I think it was for "Party Time."

Yeah. Geoff "Party Time" Wickles feels right.

It was, uh, it was crazy.

If your nickname was Party Time,

why'd you have to sneak into the Sexy Halloween party?

Right? The mystery deepens with every step.

Anyway, this yearbook isn't the right year.

Okay, but you need someone to give you a nickname.

Like, without my eye doctor, I'm not "The Freak."

Didn't anyone look into your death?

At first. But my body was never found.

And life goes on.

So, as the legend of the Black Knight grew,

Geoff "Party Time Keg Slayer

King of the Ladies" Wickles was just...

Totally forgotten.

Hey, where's Daphne?

"Gigi, can you edit me into group pic?"

Yes!

- Daphne. - Velma.

What are you doing in here?

I was trying to do that cool ghost thing

where I appear behind you in a mirror.

But you were too focused on the party to notice.

Velma, I can explain. But again, not well.

This is unbelievable. Do you wanna know

the real reason Geoff made my triangle appear?

I realized it's because my biggest fear

is being forgotten, just like he was.

What? How can anyone forget you?

You saved this town twice.

And every stall in this bathroom

has one of your limericks.

And yet, a week after I died,

everyone in town is just going about Halloween

as if I never existed.

My parents, Norville.

I mean, my own girlfriend won't even miss a party

to bring me back. So you know what? Forget it.

Why even bother coming back? Beam me up, Angela.

No. Stop!

The reason I'm so focused on the party is because of you.

Me? I don't even like Sexy Halloween, Daphne.

We already have candy.

Adding boobs and abs is overkill.

I know.

But I knew everyone would be there when you came back.

And I thought we'd say you made a miraculous recovery

and then turn it into a huge welcome back party for you.

I even got Saweetie to perform.

What? I love Saweetie.

Why wouldn't you just tell me that?

I almost ascended--

Oh, God, no! Angela, turn it off.

-Velma, grab my hand! -No, stay away!

Ah!

Oh, no!

Velma, I'm not ready to go.

I never made any of the recipes in my saved folder.

How? You send me three a day and say,

"I'm totally gonna make this."

I know. But I don't.

And now, I'll never eat a pesto feta egg.

Oh, yes, you will.

Hold on!

Geoff, thank God you had Daphne's camera.

But why is this zoomed in on a picture of Kimmy's cleavage?

Oh, I don't know.

Probably just friggin' happened while rescuing you.

Velma, your triangle is gone.

I must have faced my fear

of being forgotten by almost ascending.

Even better, you were right about the group photo

in the yearbook. I found my killers, guys.

Daphne, it's our parents.

What the hell is going on in here?

Oh, God! The Black Knight!

All right, Fred. Let's see if you have what it takes

to protect me. We'll start easy.

These days, artists have to deal with idiots

-throwing stuff at their heads. -On it.

-♪ Yeah, we can do it ♪ -♪ Do it now ♪

♪ Yeah, we can get it ♪

Ow!

Do better, guys.

♪ Do it now ♪

Okay, let's see if you can handle crowd control.

Saweetie, let me get a picture.

No way, guy. Let me take it.

And I'll even put Saweetie's number in there

so you can send it to her.

Okay, personal umbrella holder.

There's literally no way to mess this job up.

Thank you.

♪ Ha! ♪

And can we get one for Saweetie?

Oh, my gosh. Get away from me.

Great. Now what?

Geoff, stop. There must be some mistake.

There's no way our parents killed you.

Run! Or he's gonna kill us

just as brutally as we killed him.

What?

No! Please!

Spare me and I'll help you kill the others.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm gonna throw you against the wall so hard, you die.

Ghosts do that a lot in movies.

Ghost strength!

Guys, stop hiding. I think we're gonna be okay.

No, you're not. You're gonna pay.

Great. I've waited over 30 years

to get my badass revenge, and all the hot angels

will still just think I'm a goober.

You were serious about that?

What is going on? And is Velma also a ghost?

Because that will affect what I say about her at her funeral.

Yes, I'm a ghost. But the real question is,

why did you guys do a straight-up

I Know What You Did 35 Halloweens Ago

-to Geoff Wickles? -Your name is Geoff Wickles?

Sorry, we only ever knew you as PT.

And we didn't murder you. It was an accident.

An accident?

Yes. We caught you watching us make out in the woods

like a perv, and chased you off.

Oh. Ah!

But as we got close to the cliff's edge,

we tripped.

And accidentally pushed you off.

Wait, you were watching them in the woods like a perv?

What? No.

I mean, I saw stuff, but not on purpose.

I was sneaking in, like the legend says.

Geoff, come on. Everyone called you "PT"

because you're a Peeping Tom.

Okay, fine. But in the '80s,

that was considered funny, not pervy.

And it's certainly not a reason to murder me.

We didn't murder you. It was an accident.

That's why we all host this lame unsexy Halloween party.

You think we wanna be here? No.

But it's all we can do to keep people in sexy costumes

from paying for our mistake.

But it wasn't a mistake. At the cliff's edge,

I heard one of you whisper, "Push him."

Wait, hold on. You heard a whisper?

Velma.

Its evil demanded a blood sacrifice on All Hallows' Eve.

Velma, are you gonna finish your point or what?

Yes. Geoff was murdered.

And not only did his killer kill all those other people

in sexy costumes,

I think they're gonna strike again tonight.

Saweetie, please. I need a job.

I brought my friend, Norville, to vouch for me.

Saweetie, don't hire Fred. He's useless.

Dude, I told you, she already knows that.

I know. I was trying to hurt your feelings

to make my triangle disappear.

Hello, Crystal Cove. Who's ready to get crazy?

And also, remember Velma, your dead friend.

Aw.

Anyway, hit it.

Okay, spread out. We're looking for someone

in a black knight costume. Daphne, you're with me.

I can't. I have to miss this concert

or you won't come back.

Oh, shoot. Is that Daphne way back there?

Daphne, get your ass up here.

-Coming. -Daphne.

Sorry. I'll be in the car.

It worked!

What the hell? This cheap-ass stage.

The lighting rig.

We're too late. Look!

Oh, no. Saweetie!

Fred?

That's right. I did a job. It was awful, but I did it.

Stop congratulating yourself. We have to go.

Ah!

Guys, the killer is still getting away.

Oh, no, he's not.

Come here, you!

Oh, no! I tripped again!

No!

Geoff, you saved them!

Yeah, but does it look cool for the angels?

Okay, so, hold on, let me get this straight.

-You're both ghosts? -Yes.

And let me say, you seem to be handling it very well.

Yeah, well, if Fred can save me,

I guess anything is possible.

But if Geoff didn't try to kill me, who did?

Oh, that's easy. It's...

Evelyn?

Yes. I figured it out when Geoff said

he heard someone whisper, "Push him."

Thorn had mentioned the book demanded a blood sacrifice,

so I realized the book must've corrupted Evelyn

after Thorn donated it to the historical society.

Okay. But why kill Geoff,

and then pretend to be his ghost to kill others?

Because dark magic needs fear to work.

And Halloween was its most powerful day.

But when Sexy Halloween became popular,

sexy costumes replaced the scary ones

and the book became powerless.

Help me.

So I decided to create a scary legend

that would discourage teens from wearing sexy costumes.

Push him.

But it didn't work.

Even I after continued to kill people in sexy costumes,

people would not stop slutting it up on Halloween.

Which is why you came here tonight,

to try and generate your biggest scare yet

by killing Saweetie in front of everyone.

Case closed.

And that's why we had to face our biggest fears.

To generate the power the spell needed to bring Velma back.

But it didn't work.

I'm still here.

Unless... Norville, what the hell?

Yeah, sorry, it's me.

I still need to hurt someone I care about.

But don't worry, I got this.

Evelyn, I will not be writing you in prison.

You monster.

It worked. I'm coming back!

- Now. - Oh!

Oh, my God.

What's happening?

That's bad, right? It seems bad.

Yes, that's bad.

Not only am I not going back in my body,

Geoff is going back in his.

Well, that's nice for Geoff at least, right?

Well, Geoff's body has been underwater for 35 years.

Geoff, no!

Lots of people leaving. Think there's room for us now?

Geoff, I know this is bad,

but you have to stop scaring everyone.

Ew!

It's too late, Velma!

I have the power I need to raise an army of zombies.

And then I'll have the power I need

to rule the world!

No!

Velma, what do we do?

Hey, what gives, Daph?

How are these zombie costumes sexier than ours?

Let us in.

Wait. Sexy Halloween. That's it.

We can combat the fear with sexiness.

But, Velma, our sexiest people, the hot girls,

are all banged up.

Uh, that's a very narrow view of sexiness, Daphne.

There's no one way to be sexy,

because everyone finds different things sexy.

Sure, we all love us some glistening, sweat-covered abs

plunging seductively into a loose pair of jeans,

but hidden talents can also be sexy.

Mmm.

-Or being a good listener. -What?

Kidding. I learned my lesson.

Oh, hold on.

Or guys who are good with babies.

Which, yes, is rooted in sexism.

But you still can't deny the sexy-ism.

Where's she been?

Trunk.

Thank you, Saweetie.

That's always been my problem with Sexy Halloween too.

I actually think, of all the sexy things you do,

the sexiest are your hustle and business acumen.

Wow, that's so nice. Thank you. Now come on, everybody.

Whatever's sexiest about you, do it.

Though, Velma, while I appreciate

you liking my hustle, I'm gonna dance. Hit it!

Oh, snap.

♪ Presidential Rolly on me like I'm votin' ♪

♪ Smellin' like a rich... I'm too potent ♪

♪ I don't do the nosebleeds ♪

Elf ears?

♪ The Baccarat too trendy so I'm off it ♪

♪ I hit the club and get some ones and then I toss it ♪

♪ See, every problem ♪

Whoa, momma.

Velma. Your plan's working! I have never found you sexier.

No! Stop that!

Especially you, sexy young Santa Claus.

Father, what's going on?

Our sexiness has only ever come from wealth.

Yes! Jones Gentlemen's Accessories is back.

Because you saved her, Saweetie wants to do

-a Saweetie for JGA line. -All nails, baby.

♪ You don't hate me, sis ♪

Hey, stop watching us make out, you pervo.

Oh, God. Our parents were right.

You are a Peeping Tom, Geoff.

Velma, the sexiness is wearing off.

We all have to start making out again.

We can't with Geoff watching us.

Oh, stop groaning.

You'll be kissing soon enough.

Kissing your sweet asses goodbye.

Velma, what are we gonna do?

You're gonna promise you'll always remember me.

What? How are you still hung up on that?

Selfishness is the opposite of sexy.

I know. So, brace yourself, because I'm about to make this

the sexiest damn Halloween ever.

Angela Lansbury, now!

- What's happening? No! - Velma!

Oh, no!

What have you done, you fool?

I just saved Crystal Cove again, lady.

And it cost you your soul, dummy.

My light is going straight to hell.

Damn it. I better get a statue in the middle of town.

Velma!

Where is she?

She's gone.

And while I know Velma is in a better place,

I also know part of her will always be in our hearts.

Reminding us to think deeper, act smarter,

and never sneeze when your mom is cutting your hair.

Daphne?

Sorry.

I feel like I can hear her now.

Daphne!

Wait. I can hear her. Velma!

Oh, my God, I'm alive. But how?

Oh, God. I'm so happy.

Wait. You're still here?

Congratulations, Fred.

You've now taken the first step towards raising hell.

You'll make a wonderful disciple of evil.

Thank you, Richard Kind.

Again, this is not actually Richard Kind.

This is the evil spell book speaking to you

with Richard Kind's voice.

I understand, Richard Kind.

Oh, boy.