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1
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:30,280
All right?
2
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,000
You the cleaner?
No, I'm Bill Clinton.
3
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,359
All right. I've been told to wait
for the cleaner.
4
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,319
I am the cleaner.
5
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,720
I needed a hobby after the scandal.
6
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,960
Where do I go?
7
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,680
Lovely.
8
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,520
Mind your head.
9
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,399
Oh, right.
10
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,079
Quite a mess, isn't it?
11
00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:27,359
Welcome, I am Mr Abahassine.
12
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:30,439
Hello. What the hell happened?
13
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,959
Rather a large and out-of-control
crowd fight, I fear.
14
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,559
A crowd fight? At a play?
15
00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:38,200
What was the play? Was it...
16
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:43,079
..Rocky? Was that a play first?
17
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,959
Do you know, I've just realised
I don't know the name of one play?
18
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:50,080
Would that it was a play that they
were watching, dear fellow.
19
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,119
Strippers?
20
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,919
Well, what are strippers doing
at the theatre?
21
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:07,039
One does what one must in order to
ensure the survival of the theatre.
22
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,799
DOOR CLOSES
Selina!
23
00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:13,199
Selina, run and turn on
the espresso machine.
24
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,879
Our friend here must be parched.
The wha?
25
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:20,279
The hissy, steamy machine that you
burnt your finger on yesterday!
26
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,920
Kills.
27
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,719
Hard to find the staff out here
in the sticks.
28
00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:34,319
Yes. I'm not one to judge, but she
does seem to be...
29
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,199
..a miserable shit.
30
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,119
I don't think she's yet developed
her passion for the theatre,
31
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,439
or for anything else at all.
32
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:47,759
We cannot know what our place is
in this great tapestry of life.
33
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,679
So true. When I was her age, I...
34
00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:52,759
..I thought I'd be a kung fu master.
35
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,199
We all find our place eventually.
36
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:59,999
Yeah, fine. But for the record, I
still intend to be a kung fu master.
37
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,159
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: Do what you
can being who you are,
38
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,319
shine like a glow-worm
39
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,999
if you can't be a star.
40
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,319
Ah. Well, I like that!
41
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,799
Oh, yeah. That'll give me
inspiration to clean up...
42
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,679
What did you say happened here,
a fight?
43
00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:23,079
I think the Donkey Boyz brought up
the temperature too soon.
44
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:27,239
Ten minutes in,
we had a 40-woman brawl.
45
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:32,199
Well, the theatre is probably the
wrong place to announce this, but...
46
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,800
..that rather turns me on.
47
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,439
I'll leave you to it. Yes.
48
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,479
MUSIC: Ladies' Night
by Kool & The Gang
49
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,319
# Mmm, oh, yeah
50
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:47,120
# Oh, what a night
51
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:00,719
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
52
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,799
# And the feeling's right
53
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,679
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
54
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,319
# Oh, what a night
Oh, what a night
55
00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,399
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
56
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,359
# And the feeling's right
57
00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:13,359
# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night
58
00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:16,519
# Oh, what a night
Huh!
59
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:20,999
# On disco lights
Your name will be seen
60
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,999
# You can fulfil all your dreams
61
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,840
# Party here, party there
Everywhere
62
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,519
# Come on, let's all celebrate
63
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:37,520
# La-La-Lady, lady, I love you... #
64
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,719
What! Oh, come on!
65
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,760
Oh! Ah, ah! Argh!
66
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,279
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
67
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:48,919
Ah!
68
00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:50,959
Jesus Christ!
69
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,199
CLAPPING
MAN: Bravo! Encore!
70
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,079
Hello?
71
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,319
The perfect fall.
72
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:01,199
What a gift. Who are you?
73
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,399
Who am I?
MAN CHUCKLES
74
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,400
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS
75
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:09,280
I am...
76
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,360
..Strazzamo.
77
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,799
Who?
78
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,479
Oh, I'm performing here tonight.
But listen, what time are you on?
79
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,439
I'd love to see the whole show.
80
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,239
What? Help me!
81
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,279
I'm trapped under a donkey dick.
82
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:26,479
The timing was perfection.
83
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,639
The sound of impact went through me.
84
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,039
The landing, almost grotesque.
85
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,319
I thought you had genuinely
hurt yourself.
86
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,800
I HAVE genuinely hurt myself!
87
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:39,719
It wasn't a deliberate fall?
OK, I'm going to say it again.
88
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:42,360
I've genuinely hurt myself
and I'm stuck under a dick.
89
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,520
Ah!
90
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:53,160
But your costume and look is iconic.
91
00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:57,519
It's not a costume. I'm not a clown!
92
00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,159
Who are you? I'm here to clean.
93
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,879
I presume you'd like me to clean,
94
00:06:01,880 --> 00:06:05,079
or would you prefer your audience
to be sitting in hen-party juice.
95
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,679
And by juice, I mean blood.
96
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,999
And piss!
97
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,319
You're just a cleaner?
98
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,079
Oh!
99
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,799
Argh!
100
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:18,720
I am a crime scene cleaner.
101
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,519
What a waste of such natural
attributes.
102
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,159
Freakishly tall.
103
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,080
Hilariously fat.
104
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:31,319
You poke me again, you won't need
that red nose.
105
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:33,199
Actually, the, er...
106
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,679
..nose is more of a symbol.
107
00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:36,919
It's sort of an implicit contract
between me and the audience...
108
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,560
I'm threatening you!
109
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,719
Oh, that's really good.
Gave me chills.
110
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:44,479
Really scary.
111
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,719
Where do you want this?
112
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,439
Is that an espresso?
113
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,999
Delightful. Could I, erm...
Could I have one, too,
114
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,839
but could you make sure it's the
Kenyan bean
115
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,480
as opposed to the Italian?
116
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:07,679
Now, this is a SOC... SOCO suit.
Yeah, Scene Of Crime.
117
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,559
It's wonderful.
118
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,839
I can really do something with it.
Something...
119
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,479
..Soviet era.
120
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,039
Strazzamo takes on the extinction
of humanity
121
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:19,959
against the backdrop of the Cold War
with Soviet Russia.
122
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,719
Hey! Hey, that reminds me of that
joke. Do you remember that?
123
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,960
What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
124
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,239
What? A Russian with three balls,
what do you call him?
125
00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,880
I don't know and I'm not sure
I want to know. You do!
126
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,840
Whodyanickya Bollockov.
127
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,719
You can use that in your show. What?
128
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,879
SLOWLY: Who d'you nick
your bollock off?
129
00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,120
No, I heard you the first time.
Thank you.
130
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,319
He says you can have this one
for free
131
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,719
but you'll have to pay for
the others. Bless you.
132
00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:55,759
Yeah, just like my jokes.
Hey, you'll like this.
133
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,879
Huh?! What do you call a Russian
with three balls?
134
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,359
She won't know it, she's too young.
Yes, she will, it's famous.
135
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,640
In the playground in 1985.
136
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,679
Whodyanickya Bollockov. Ha?
137
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,480
Wha? Nonsense. Tough crowd.
138
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,360
HE GROANS
139
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,600
No.
140
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,759
Pink poodle! So original.
141
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,799
Howdy, partner?
142
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,840
What part of the show's this?
143
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,520
It isn't. Oh.
144
00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,239
This?
145
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,919
Oh! These are the Donkey Boyz'
props, aren't they?
146
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:49,199
Clearly. Oh. Could you have
a sexy clown?
147
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,879
Might be a whole new market
for you. Huh!
148
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:55,359
I tend to steer away from
lowest common denominator stuff.
149
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,440
Clearly.
150
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,479
SQUEAKING
How do you even become a clown?
151
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:03,599
I got the calling late in life.
152
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,399
Did the circus come to town?
153
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,439
They can be very seductive.
154
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,799
My cousin got up the duff from
one of those "smoky-eyed boys"
155
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,719
who tend the horses. Her words.
156
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,600
I think his name was Raoul.
157
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,159
We'd hired a clown for our son's
second birthday
158
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,399
and last minute he called in sick.
159
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,999
I just knew I couldn't let those
kids down.
160
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:26,199
What did he say was wrong with him?
I think he said he had arthritis.
161
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,879
Oh, yeah.
162
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:30,759
Because arthritis famously comes on
overnight, doesn't it?
163
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,799
He was hungover.
164
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,120
You hired a pissed clown. Carry on.
165
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,039
I found some balloons...
166
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:41,599
..and some of my wife's make-up,
and...
167
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,999
ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS: ..I don't know
what happened then.
168
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,159
I just started to perform and it
just seemed to come out of me.
169
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,399
Flow from somewhere.
170
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,599
I just became...
171
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,040
..the clown.
172
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:56,359
And the children laughed.
173
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:59,799
They laughed and laughed.
174
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,839
I was a triumph.
175
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,319
Right.
176
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,479
Because toddlers are famously
hard to make laugh, aren't they?
177
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,439
My nephew laughs at the word
"pancake."
178
00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,760
He literally pisses himself.
The boy's a moron.
179
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,319
Actually, we...we do think there's
something wrong with him.
180
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:18,600
I knew there and then that I had
stumbled upon my destiny.
181
00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:21,880
I resigned the next day.
182
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,439
From what? Reality?
183
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,119
I was a corporate financial adviser.
184
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,079
Just about to be made partner,
actually.
185
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:34,719
You're not joking, are you?
186
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:36,919
Within a month, I'd used my savings
to invest in the
187
00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:39,279
Marcel Marceau School Of Mime
in Paris.
188
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,120
In France? Paris, yes.
189
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:47,039
And what about you? How did you
become a crime scene cleaner?
190
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,519
Oh. My mate said
there was a job going.
191
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,439
Cleaning, but for crime scenes,
and...
192
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:55,919
..I applied, and I...I got it.
193
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,560
Mm. And you love it?
194
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,320
I better get on.
195
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,919
And you're married, yeah? Yes.
196
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:10,719
Yeah, we have a son.
197
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,880
And you can support everyone
doing this, yeah?
198
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,839
Well, Tara had to get a part-time
job when I started, but..
199
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:20,880
..she supports my dreams.
200
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,040
I see.
201
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,960
HE SNEEZES
202
00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:00,120
EXHALING
203
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:11,199
Did you learn that in Paris?
204
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,599
What's that supposed to mean?
No need to be defensive, mate.
205
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,599
I was just wondering if blowing up
the big balloon
206
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,880
was part of the training?
Well, was...
207
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:23,040
..getting a cleaning cloth out of
a bag part of your training?
208
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,479
Yeah? I developed this act myself.
209
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,039
I learnt the discipline in Paris.
The art...
210
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:33,599
..is all mine. Ah, right.
211
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:37,199
And did they teach you how to run
in those big, long clown shoes? No!
212
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,999
Paris was a mime course. Are...
213
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,080
Are you actually interested?
I really am.
214
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,440
Well...
215
00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:52,479
On one day of the course,
I mean, for the whole day,
216
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,120
we just...
217
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,920
..picked a single imaginary...
218
00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,520
..daisy.
219
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,879
And you know what?
220
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,639
After the fourth hour,
I swear I could see that flower
221
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:15,120
caught in the dying summer light.
222
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,959
HE LAUGHS
223
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,000
How much did Marcel charge you
for that?
224
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,199
Always about money!
Why don't you say what you mean?
225
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,039
You clearly have a problem with
what I do.
226
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,439
No, I'm just saying, it sounds like
a boring day.
227
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:32,639
Nowhere near as fascinating as
mopping up some stains, I'm sure.
228
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,599
I don't use a mop. This is not
a mop. It looks like a mop,
229
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,639
it's not a mop. It's a specialist
piece of equipment,
230
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:39,680
and I'll tell you...
ALARM BELL RINGS
231
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,479
He says we have to evacuate.
232
00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:49,520
Or whatever.
233
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,599
Where did you lose your massive
clown shoes? In a fire?
234
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,759
For the second time, I don't have
any massive shoes.
235
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:06,000
What, how come? How are you going to
do that funny walk that clowns do?
236
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,879
Whatever you think a clown is,
237
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,880
I'm not that.
238
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:15,439
Well, you've got one of those cars
that fall apart. Hoo-ha!
239
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,679
A clown's a clown, mate. A clown
is most certainly NOT a clown.
240
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,599
Clowns are shit.
Sharper than she looks.
241
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,759
I do apologise.
242
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,359
The alarm is rather outdated
243
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:30,959
and has to be remotely reset
by the fire department.
244
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,719
Good news, however.
245
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:37,359
Chef has arrived
if anyone would enjoy lunch.
246
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,400
Lovely. Good.
247
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,480
Come on.
248
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,040
MUNCHING
249
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,000
Hungry?
250
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,639
How does it pay. Hmm?
251
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,120
Crime scene cleaning.
Ah, it's all right.
252
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,799
All bought and paid for.
253
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,639
You're a sole trader, right?
254
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:04,719
What? You work for a company
or yourself?
255
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,639
Oh, for a company. Lausen.
256
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,359
No, you should go self-employed.
257
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,879
Start a limited company and let
them contract you as a freelancer.
258
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,680
Beneficial tax and VAT outcomes.
259
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,920
Now, that's useful.
260
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,360
I want to be extraordinary, Wicky.
261
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,639
Er, I presume mine is comped. Huh?!
262
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:35,999
Because I'm performing.
263
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,039
SHE SIGHS
He said you'd say that.
264
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:41,999
And he says it's not free.
"Tell the clown it's not free."
265
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,559
No problem, no problem. I'll, er,
pay you from receipts
266
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,199
after the show. Er, how many have
I sold?
267
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,999
So far, four tickets.
268
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,040
Four?! Four.
269
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,039
I'll get it.
270
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,759
Oh.
271
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,960
Well, that's very kind.
272
00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:06,559
How often are you playing
to four people?
273
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,359
More often than not. And you don't
think sometimes,
274
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:11,959
"Oh, I'll just go back to my really
well-paid job
275
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,119
"where I advise people how to
avoid tax"?
276
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:18,079
Never. Success is about touching
people,
277
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,479
regardless of the number.
Yeah, I've touched loads of people.
278
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,159
Well, about 12.
279
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,639
So, what happens if no-one
turns up? I'd still perform.
280
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:27,559
Wouldn't you find that massively
depressing?
281
00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:29,319
I could've stayed in finance.
282
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:31,439
Been just another suit.
283
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,599
Now my colleagues are Grimaldi,
Marceau, Chaplin,
284
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,319
Keaton. Yeah.
285
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,159
And my auntie potters around
the garden,
286
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,200
so she's best mates with Monty Don.
287
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:45,359
Actually, she does think that.
288
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,120
We should probably get her best
checked.
289
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:50,840
Let me show you my act.
290
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,559
Oh, no, you're all right.
It could be payback for the lunch.
291
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,280
Please, I want you to understand
my passion. Please.
292
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,040
WICKY SIGHS
Yes!
293
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:06,720
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
294
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,479
Ah. So, this backdrop, you need to
imagine it's something abstract.
295
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,799
Something playful yet intense.
296
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,599
You know, welcoming yet horrifying.
297
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,920
So not the Donkey Boyz.
No, not Donkey Boyz.
298
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,840
DRAMATIC MUSIC RESTARTS
299
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,639
HE WAILS
300
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,719
HORN TOOTS AND SLIDE WHISTLE
301
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,959
Milk me, milk me, milk me, milk me,
milk me.
302
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,799
HORN TOOTS AND TEARING
Oh!
303
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,839
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
304
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:48,239
FARTING
Ha-ha! That bit wasn't funny!
305
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,280
FANFARE PLAYS
306
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,719
OPERA SINGING AND PARTY HOOTER
307
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,760
STRAZZAMO SOBS
308
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,400
CLASSICAL MUSIC AND HORN TOOTS
309
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,240
There.
310
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,359
Wow.
311
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:14,319
Just wow? Just wow.
312
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,479
So? No notes?
313
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,119
So...I'd better get on.
314
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:21,679
Well done, though. Very energetic.
315
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:23,679
I mean, when you were blowing that
big balloon up,
316
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,719
I thought you were going to give
yourself a prolapse.
317
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,759
So...good.
318
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:31,679
Right, this place isn't going to
sterilise itself.
319
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,079
W-W-What did you think? Look.
320
00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:38,279
Seriously, I don't think I should be
the person to... Please, Wicky.
321
00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:40,159
I want your opinion.
322
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:44,479
Honest, unvarnished opinion
from the...common man.
323
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,520
HE SIGHS
324
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,199
Shit.
325
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,839
Sorry, what?
326
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,559
I thought your act was shit.
327
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:03,359
I-I-I think maybe you didn't
understand some of the imagery.
328
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,719
No, I did. I understood all of it.
329
00:19:05,720 --> 00:19:07,959
I thought it was all shit.
330
00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:09,599
I'm sorry, mate.
331
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:13,040
I'm probably not the person to ask,
but I found Strazzamo...
332
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,519
..annoying.
333
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,119
But the pathos? Mate, a clown
is supposed to be funny.
334
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:22,879
Says who? Says everyone!
335
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,519
Good God, man.
336
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:26,879
You're about as funny as
Brian Coyle. Who?
337
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,680
He's a bloke who drinks down my pub
and he is NOT funny.
338
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,919
You just...you just sat there
with this expectation.
339
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,519
"Come on!
Entertain me, make me laugh."
340
00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,799
Yeah. Well, that's what you're
supposed to do. That's your job.
341
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,079
Yes, but you have to bring
a certain willingness.
342
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,239
Christ! If I have to bring my own
funny to a clown show,
343
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,039
I may as well go home and
tickle myself.
344
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,799
And I don't mean a special tickle.
345
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,879
Oh. Not all comedy is measured
in decibels.
346
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:59,559
Sometimes a smile is more valuable
than a laugh.
347
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,439
Yeah. Because when I've seen
a good comedy,
348
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:04,039
I always say,
"Oh, I smiled my head off."
349
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,319
Wouldn't expect a cleaner to
recognise poetry when he sees it.
350
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:12,120
Oh, yeah!
Poetry, my sweet, sweet ass!
351
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,480
HE YELLS
352
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,359
Don't do this, mate.
353
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,720
Don't make me add, "Beat the shit
out of a clown" to my CV.
354
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,200
HE YELLS
355
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,880
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey!
356
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:34,919
You philistine!
357
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:36,919
You've never tried to achieve
anything!
358
00:20:36,920 --> 00:20:39,439
You're just happy to get paid
and get drunk.
359
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,399
Another one of the zombie army!
360
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:43,439
STRAZZAMO YELLS
361
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,959
SQUEAKING AND STRAZZAMO WINCES
362
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,839
Yeah!
363
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:51,439
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
364
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:54,359
Not everyone has to have a dream,
have you ever considered that?
365
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,279
What? Of course they do.
366
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,759
We can't all be clowns
or...or firemen.
367
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,719
Some people don't have the
inclination.
368
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,599
Some people are happy to be,
don't need a fantasy.
369
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,759
And if you look closely,
you might find those people
370
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,520
are happier than you!
371
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,879
FIRE ALARM RINGS
372
00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,320
Oh!
373
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,960
FIRE ALARM CONTINUES
374
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,759
Oh, dear. Oh, dear me.
375
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,879
You want to get that alarm sorted,
mate. And that bloody doorframe.
376
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,520
Behold!
377
00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,199
My God. Selina is still in there!
378
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,079
And the clown.
379
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,120
Zut alors!
380
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,000
Show time.
381
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,480
ACTION HERO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS
382
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,759
THEY COUGH
383
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,679
I've inhaled too much smoke.
You're going to be fine.
384
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,719
Not this time.
Tell my family I'm sorry.
385
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,439
For everything. No!
386
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,840
Stay with me.
I just need time to think.
387
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,479
FANTASY-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS:
Hello, there.
388
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,399
Perhaps I can help.
389
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,679
You're going to be fine.
390
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,599
Get that blaze under control.
391
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,439
You're a fireman, aren't you?
392
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,959
Please! Can you help?
393
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,719
Roger that, Control.
I could buzz the fire with my jet
394
00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,519
and hope it blows it out.
395
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,639
Oh, boy. I could put explosives
396
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,279
around the worst-hit part of
the building.
397
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,359
Blow the fire out, literally.
398
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:07,519
Guys, we just need a hose.
399
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,959
We can use elephant!
400
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:11,599
Elephant?
401
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,640
TRUMPETING
402
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,839
Hang on.
403
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,559
I told you.
404
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:36,199
What? Everyone has a dream.
405
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,439
ECHOING: 'Mind your head, Wicky.'
What are you...
406
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:40,199
..talking about?
I said, "mind your head".
407
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,920
You hit it on the doorframe again.
408
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,639
WICKY SIGHS
That was worse than a cheese dream.
409
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:47,479
We all have a dream.
410
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,039
Some of us are just trying to
make ours a reality.
411
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:52,080
Don't lie to yourself, Wicky.
412
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:55,879
If all of my dreams became
a reality,
413
00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,959
things would get pretty weird,
trust me.
414
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,159
And anyway, you're the one who's
kidding yourself.
415
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,639
You can't even afford your own
lunch.
416
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,639
You just can't face the fact that
your act might not be any good.
417
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,800
That's what's going on here.
WICKY GROANS
418
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:30,999
All right?
419
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,879
You're right.
420
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,920
Don't listen to me,
I'm a miserable git.
421
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,240
Ten tickets.
422
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,119
If I don't sell ten tonight,
I'm going to jack it in.
423
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,119
Go back to finance.
No, you should...
424
00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:47,160
Don't give it up because of what
I said.
425
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,960
My mind's made up.
426
00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,840
How many have you sold now?
427
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,480
Nine.
428
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,880
Anyway...
429
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,040
..good to meet you, Mr Cleaner.
430
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,640
Yeah.
431
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,320
All right?
432
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,639
How much are tickets?
433
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,280
£15. £15, for that?!
434
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:38,079
Go on, give me one.
435
00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,399
It's a hard line to walk, isn't it?
436
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,679
Knowing whether one should
fan the flames
437
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,480
of a dream that can never be
realised.
438
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:53,279
You don't think I should buy
a ticket, do you?
439
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,519
"Do what you can being who you are"?
440
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,119
Shine like a glow-worm if you can't
be a star,
441
00:25:59,120 --> 00:26:02,359
work like a pulley if you can't be
a crane,
442
00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:06,840
grease the wheels fully
if you can't drive the train.
443
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,159
I mean, it sort of repeats itself,
but...
444
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:13,200
..I take your point.
445
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,280
Selina...
446
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:33,520
..you're fired.
447
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:37,040
Thank you.
448
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,479
You know, you shouldn't smoke.
449
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,520
You've got to die of something, son.
450
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:02,359
What are you supposed to be?
An astronaut, silly.
451
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:04,999
Oh, yeah? Is that what you want
to be when you grow up?
452
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:08,559
Yeah. Or Optimus Prime.
453
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:10,759
Cool. WOMAN: Joe!
454
00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,440
Come on, I haven't got the tickets
yet. We're late.
455
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,640
What are you supposed to be? Me?
456
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,520
I'm just a glow-worm, kid.
457
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,879
Oh, you're the cleaner?
Crime scene... Crime scene cleaner.
458
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,519
Oh, yeah.
459
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,119
He said it was a mess in there.
You did an amazing job.
460
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:31,359
Oh.
461
00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,559
Sorry, who said that? My husband.
462
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:35,239
Strazzamo the clown.
463
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,959
Better get in, don't want to miss
the big balloon being inflated.
464
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,719
JOE: Mum! Hurry up, stop talking to
that weird, old man.
465
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:43,760
MUSIC: Fisherman's Blues
by The Waterboys
466
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,560
# Woo!
467
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,600
# I wish I was a fisherman
468
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,000
# Tumbling on the seas
469
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,439
# Far away from dry land
470
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:22,840
# And its bitter memories
471
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,359
# Casting out my sweet line
472
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:29,640
# With abandonment and love
473
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:34,279
# No ceiling bearing down on me
474
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,919
# Save the starry sky above
475
00:28:36,920 --> 00:28:39,040
# With light in my head
476
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:42,800
# With you in my arms...#
34672
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