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VAN DOOR SHUTS
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All right?
3
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You're a big lad.
4
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Thank you?
5
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What are you up to?
I'm here to clean.
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00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,680
Come on, be serious.
7
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I'm a crime scene cleaner.
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Crime scene?
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00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,880
Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut.
10
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Some poor lad tried to do
himself in.
11
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Oh, no! It wasn't a shotgun, was it?
12
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,960
Not being insensitive, you know,
but they're a bit
13
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,280
"Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!"
14
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You know. Messy.
15
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,880
I think it was pills.
Yeah, he's all right.
16
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,440
He's in the hospital now,
apparently.
17
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,360
But, uh, it's a right old mess in
there.
18
00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:15,520
Honk and plop.
19
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,840
Honk and plop? Honk and plop all
over the shop.
20
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,800
It's like a bloody pig pen.
21
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,680
Well, I'm a blood spatter
specialist.
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I don't get called out for honk
and plop. By the way,
23
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"honk and plop" is not a phrase.
24
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,320
Well, you'd better get to work.
25
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,520
She wants it rented out
at all times.
26
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Have you, uh...
27
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,280
Have you seen her yet?
28
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,200
Who? Lara. The owner.
29
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,520
What do you mean?
30
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She is a prime slice of marbled
totty. Right.
31
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Nice, is she? Oh, the curves on her.
32
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She's like Jessica Rabbit,
but not a rabbit.
33
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,160
She's like...
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..the Cadbury's rabbit.
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00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,280
Is she a rabbit? No, but I bet
she bloody goes like one.
36
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She has got the lot - face,
37
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,960
boobies, and a bum like a peach
38
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plucked from the branch in Provence.
39
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,880
A ripe peach. Overripe,
if anything. Messy...
40
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All right. OK, I get it.
She's a messy rabbit.
41
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,560
She's a messy rabbit, all right!
42
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I'm telling you, if I got
the green light,
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I'd be at her like a bloody sewing
machine.
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Ooh, yeah.
45
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Ooh! Ooh!
46
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Hey. Hey!
47
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Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
48
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I heard you the first time.
She's a messy rabbit.
49
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Who's a messy rabbit?
50
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Oh. No, sorry.
51
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,480
He was just saying that, um...
52
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Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee!
53
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Sorry. I'm looking for the owner.
54
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I'm the owner.
No, but you're, um...
55
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Are you? It's just he said you
were, but you're...
56
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Are you trying to say pregnant?
57
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Yes, you are. Obviously!
58
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,600
One doesn't like to assume.
59
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,800
You thought I might just be fat?
You're not fat.
60
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,560
No, I'm... Yes. With child.
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I didn't ride to a stable
on a fucking donkey.
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00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,480
Do you struggle with the word
"pregnant"? No.
63
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,360
Say it, then. Preg-nont?
64
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,520
Oh. Oh. Fair play. That did sound
weird.
65
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,120
The shepherd's hut's over there.
66
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,680
I need it cleaned by tonight.
67
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,480
Do you need anything?
68
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,880
I'll have a cuppa if you're
offering. I'm not. Oh. Too busy.
69
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,120
OK.
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00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,080
I haven't been over yet.
Is it messy rabbit?
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00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,880
Is it messy?
72
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Well, it needs cleaning.
But you're a cleaner, aren't you?
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Crime scene cleaner. So a cleaner.
74
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,920
How is he? The guy in hospital.
75
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,720
How should I know?!
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5pm, please.
77
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,640
Cake? Huh?
78
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,560
The missus made it, so it's probably
poisoned.
79
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,160
You made a swift exit.
I told you, didn't I?
80
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,760
What a filly, eh?
81
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,720
Bold as brass and twice as bouncy.
82
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,960
Why didn't you tell me
she was preg-nont? Pregnant.
83
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,960
Hey. Absolute fun house, though,
isn't she?
84
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,800
I don't know. I don't think she
liked me. She was quite cold.
85
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,040
I know.
86
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,200
That's what drives me crazy.
87
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,240
I sometimes mow the lawn
badly on purpose.
88
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,560
Little does she know, while
she's giving me that disapproving
89
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,960
look, I'm like a bloody pine tree
downstairs.
90
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,560
I've got two heavy baubles.
91
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,880
Tinsel weaving... Enough.
92
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,000
Have a bit of respect.
The woman's having a baby.
93
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,320
Don't worry. She's single.
94
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,880
You can still get in there.
95
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,560
I don't want to get in anywhere,
apart from in this shepherd's hut.
96
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,040
I think she's given me
the wrong key.
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00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,240
It sounds daft, but I'm a bit scared
to tell her I can't get in.
98
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,040
Oh, pull yourself together, lad.
99
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,680
I'll tell her I need some water,
and then I'll have a look for a key
100
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,440
when I'm in there. Uh!
101
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,200
Hey. She didn't even have a bloke,
you know.
102
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,120
Turkey baster job.
103
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,360
What? Well, she's knocking on, isn't
she?
104
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She wanted a little 'un, so she got
hold of some special boy sauce
105
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,520
and...
106
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,520
HE SLURPS
107
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,000
"Beep, beep!
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Lucky baster, I say.
109
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,080
My God, what I wouldn't do
to have half an hour with my socks
110
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,600
off bouncing around that castle.
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Do you ever do any gardening,
or are you too busy just writing
112
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,200
in to Razzles' readers' wives
section?
113
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Come on, big lad.
114
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She's ripe for the taking.
115
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,320
Too old to have a bun in the oven.
116
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She'll consider owt.
117
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,360
You're not an ugly lad.
From the right angle.
118
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It's none of my business
what she does. All right?
119
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,080
And I don't want to star
in your rural Carry On film
120
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about some woman who's had to use
a turkey baster
121
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because she's too old to be a mum.
122
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I what?!
123
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,360
Oh. No.
124
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,320
He was just because of the, um...
125
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,640
Because...
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HE HISSES
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The...
128
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,880
Johannes, you are incompetent.
129
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,360
No. You had your chance
to reassure them.
130
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,800
Now I am going to have to go
to Munich in person.
131
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,680
No, I don't want you to go.
132
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,760
I want you to charter me a jet.
133
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Can you manage that?
134
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Careful. There's a knack to...
135
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Hey! Hey! Hey!
136
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Hey, hey, hey!
137
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We'll talk about this in your
review. Hey!
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WATER DRAINS
139
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Did you get your water OK?
140
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,400
There's something wrong with your
plumbing.
141
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,520
Well, I mean, not your plumbing,
obviously.
142
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,280
That's fine.
143
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,240
And we're back on my pregnancy
again.
144
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,040
Yes, and on that,
145
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I did not say that out there.
That was your gardener.
146
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,480
So... Donald is mourning the death
of his wife of 40 years.
147
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,720
Is he? Yes. He tends to be
148
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,600
fighting back tears most
of the time.
149
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,120
So perhaps rather than using
an old man's pain as an excuse
150
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,480
for your opinions, you should...
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00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,520
I don't think
you're too old to be a mum.
152
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,640
Don't you? No! I like old mums.
153
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,600
Old... OLDER mums.
154
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Nice. Nice mature mummies.
155
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,840
That's wrong. That sounds like one
of Weasel's films.
156
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,160
He shouldn't sell them
down the market. They're illegal.
157
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,000
I have a flight to pack for.
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You have your water.
159
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,400
Hang on. You can't fly.
160
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,640
Why shouldn't I?
161
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You don't want to give birth
mid-air like a crow, do you?
162
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Is that it? Nah, it'd be nests,
would it?
163
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My God.
164
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,480
Oh. A van in your drive.
165
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,440
Yes. It's paint for the nursery.
Decorators.
166
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,640
No, it's a delivery.
167
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I'm painting my nursery.
168
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Are you?! Yes. I'm pregnant.
169
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I'm not ill.
170
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,440
Nice. What colour are you going for?
171
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,640
Oh.
172
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,920
I see.
173
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,160
Oh, the...the key?
174
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,440
PHONE BUZZES
175
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,680
Um...
176
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:19,960
Your phone is...
177
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,920
Sorry, your-your phone's going.
178
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,400
Hello? Lara.
179
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,120
Oh, no. Sorry.
She's not here at the moment.
180
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,000
Who's that? Oh, I'm just doing a
little bit of work here. Right.
181
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,960
I've heard about this dreadful
business in the shepherd's hut.
182
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,080
How is she?
183
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,760
She seems fine. Well, she's not.
184
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,200
She's in shock, and in her
condition that is very serious.
185
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Hot, sweet tea.
186
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,880
Sorry? Make her a cup of hot, sweet
tea.
187
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,440
I will be over shortly.
188
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,920
Oh, no.
189
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,280
Listen, I don't think
I should do that.
190
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,880
You boys will never have to endure
the horrors of childbirth.
191
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,440
And that is as nature intended.
But your role is vital.
192
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,720
If I arrive at that house
and my daughter is not sitting
193
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,480
in a chair with a cup of hot,
sweet tea, I shall
194
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,280
be extremely disappointed.
195
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,200
Tell her Mummy is coming.
196
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,600
Yeah, but...
197
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,400
LINE GOES DEAD
198
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,400
WHISPERS: Mummy's coming.
199
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,480
Tea break, is it? What the fuck?
200
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,600
Oh.
201
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,280
HE LAUGHS
202
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,480
Sorry. No, this is for you.
Hot, sweet tea.
203
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,240
I don't want a tea. Really?
204
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,240
She was quite insistent.
Who was? Your mum.
205
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,080
My mum's here? No, I just spoke
to her on the phone.
206
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,440
What, you answered my phone?
207
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,120
Why would you answer my phone?
208
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,800
Oh, well, you weren't around.
And...
209
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,360
Anyway, she's coming over.
210
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,960
I don't want her to come over.
I'm going out.
211
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,720
I could call her back. No.
212
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,800
I want you to clean my
shepherd's hut.
213
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,360
Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.
214
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,040
I'm not upset. I'm angry.
215
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,080
You do understand the difference.
216
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,520
Yes.
217
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,400
Now...
218
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,560
..you listen to me.
219
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,200
No.
220
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,320
Sorry.
221
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,800
I thought we were playing
Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke.
222
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,520
Since you've been here,
you have inappropriately commented
223
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,840
on my looks, age, fertility
and means of conception.
224
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,800
You've interfered in my travel
plans, made judgments about them,
225
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,080
and patronised me by doing jobs
you were not asked to do.
226
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,520
You've helped yourself to the
contents of my kitchen cupboards,
227
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,920
answered a call on my personal
phone and, even as we speak,
228
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,240
are being paid for a job
you have not started!
229
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,760
I haven't included
gender-profiling my unborn child
230
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,440
just to give you the benefit
of the doubt.
231
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,680
I haven't said anything
about your unborn kid.
232
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,720
WHINEY VOICE: "What colour will the
nursery be?"
233
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,160
HE GASPS
234
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,840
SHE SCOFFS
235
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,520
What am I going to say to your mum?
236
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,760
Tell her I've gone to get my hair
done.
237
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,120
She'll like that.
238
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,080
And do not tell her about my flight.
239
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,320
Do you understand?
240
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,960
SHE SCOFFS
241
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:00,960
Oh.
242
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,000
Fired her up a treat there,
didn't you?
243
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,920
All I did was make her a cup
of tea and told her her mum
244
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,960
was coming round.
What are the rules here?
245
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,200
Her mum?! You jammy bastard.
246
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,600
How'd you get two of them
on the go? What?!
247
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,000
Mother and daughter.
248
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,400
Bit of sweet and sour on a
Friday never did anyone any harm.
249
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,040
Hey, she scrubs up all right
250
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,040
for an old bird, you know.
Like smoked pheasant.
251
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,360
Gamey, but rich in flavour.
252
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,440
SINISTER LAUGHTER
253
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:30,000
I need to get into that hut.
254
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,440
Oh, don't worry about that.
255
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,840
No, you've got enough on your plate,
you old horn bag.
256
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,560
Save your energy.
257
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,880
Can you go away?
258
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,440
It was you that got me into
all this shit.
259
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,200
You're the one doing the
mother-daughter double.
260
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,920
Oh, is that going spare?
261
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,400
I'm not doing anyone.
262
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,560
I need to work.
263
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,560
Hey, what's all that about your wife
being dead?
264
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,040
Oh, well, I just said that in case
I was in with a shout.
265
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,440
I didn't bank on you coming round,
266
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,520
going through the whole family
like a threshing machine.
267
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,280
Bloody hell, lad. Did you put salt
in this?
268
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,120
Argh!
269
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,280
How's it possible to hate a door?
270
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,800
Hello.
271
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,520
Ah. Was it you I spoke to on the
phone?
272
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,160
Yes. She's not in at the moment.
273
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,600
She's just popped
out to have her hair done.
274
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,320
Good God. What for?
275
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,560
She said you'd like it.
276
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,280
Have you ever seen what childbirth
does to a vagina?
277
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,200
No. Mine looked like a pack
of hyaenas had been at it.
278
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,000
What do you make of that?
279
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,080
Look at me.
280
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,560
Look at me.
281
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,920
I said, what do you make of that?
282
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,000
I don't like it.
283
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,080
No, I mean, the last thing
I was concerned
284
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,400
about when I was split asunder
was how nice my hair looked.
285
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,120
But that's Lara for you.
Warped priorities.
286
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,320
Right. You crack on with the
nursery, and I will go and make that
287
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,520
kitchen fit for the arrival of
a child.
288
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,920
Chop, chop!
289
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,240
Told you. Hot sex mutton.
290
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,720
As I expected, the place
is a petri dish of germs.
291
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,280
The girl has no idea what's
about to hit her.
292
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,960
If you're taking a break
from the nursery,
293
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,400
you can help me here.
294
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,000
No, sorry. I should have said,
actually.
295
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,840
I'm here to clean
the shepherd's hut.
296
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,880
You're all wet.
297
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,560
Oh, yeah. I had a little accident.
298
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,040
Right. Get those clothes off.
299
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,560
Oh, no, I don't think
I should do that.
300
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,360
Well, you're no good to me damp,
man. We have things to do.
301
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,840
We'll put those in the tumble dryer,
then come up with a plan.
302
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,320
No! Sorry.
303
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,640
No.
304
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960
Absolutely not.
305
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,680
Yes, bought some sperm,
306
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,760
the way I'd throw a punnet of grapes
in a trolley.
307
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,960
I said to her, "Enjoy raising
a serial killer's baby."
308
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,360
Are my clothes dry yet?
309
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:16,840
Oh, I mean, when I think of the life
that girl could have had.
310
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,320
Is it any wonder he tried
to take his own life?
311
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,920
Replaced by a science experiment.
312
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,640
Who? Did she not tell you
313
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,440
who the man in the shepherd's
hut was?
314
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,440
He was her ex-husband.
315
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,440
No way! Who can blame him?
316
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,200
I mean, what role have you boys
got left?
317
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,240
Being male is toxic these days.
318
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,640
A man putting together a flat-pack
wardrobe for a lady is the modern
319
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,000
day equivalent of a flasher.
320
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,040
And was flashing so terrible?
321
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,960
I mean, if you want to show me
your privates, go ahead.
322
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,800
I'll pass judgment and we can both
get on with our days.
323
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,640
No, thank you.
324
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,120
Look, can I go back to the hut?
325
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,760
She really was quite adamant,
you know.
326
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,080
Oh, she always was.
Always had an opinion.
327
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,800
Caused chaos at her Brownie pack,
insisting they should be allowed
328
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,000
to wear trousers. Right.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
329
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,960
Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl
going on hunger strike good?
330
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
Yeah. OK. Fair point.
331
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,520
Look, I know you're worried
about her, but honestly,
332
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,720
she really does seem
very organised, you know?
333
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,160
Do you think? That poor little mite.
334
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,400
Not even a nursery to pop
its little head down in.
335
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,360
No, I think she's got it
all worked out.
336
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000
I think when she gets back
from Munich, she'll, um...
337
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,960
Munich?
338
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,760
Um...
339
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,840
Please. Not my passport.
340
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,360
She can't fly.
She's 37 weeks pregnant.
341
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,000
If you think I'm going to allow my
granddaughter to be born mid-air
342
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,120
like a crow, you've got
another think coming.
343
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,480
I've googled this and they 100%
use nests.
344
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,640
What my daughter needs now is
a man, so be a man.
345
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,480
Do you really think it's a good idea
jetting off to another country
346
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,560
when the life you are bringing
into the world doesn't even
347
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,240
have a bed to lay in, let alone
the hirsute arms and well-built body
348
00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,360
of a father?
349
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,480
You may have been made a eunuch
by the woke brigade.
350
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,520
Some of us still have balls!
351
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:07,920
Please!
352
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,280
Wait!
353
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,600
I'm scared of her!
354
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,600
You're a bloody animal, lad!
355
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:17,800
HE CHUCKLES
356
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,120
Yeah?!
357
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,040
Oh!
358
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,600
Be a man.
359
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,560
What is man?
360
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,400
What would man do?
361
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,920
MUSIC: The Blue Danube
by Johann Strauss II
362
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,680
Now, before you say anything,
let me explain.
363
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,640
I didn't do this because I thought
you couldn't.
364
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,080
Of course you could.
365
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,560
I did this because I was here.
366
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,520
I know, as I'm sure you know, no
man or wu-man is an island.
367
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,480
It takes a community to bring
a life into the world.
368
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:45,200
Well, for me, it was just about
being part of that community.
369
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,840
Just for a little while.
370
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,920
This isn't the nursery.
371
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,160
Hmm?
372
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,920
This is the laundry room.
373
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,880
Why would I have the nursery
so far from my bedroom...
374
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,440
..in the laundry room?
375
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000
Yeah, that doesn't make sense
at all, actually, does it?
376
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,360
And what the fuck is that?
377
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,360
It's a gender-neutral bear.
378
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,120
I have a flight to catch in one
hour, and now I have two
379
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,560
rooms to paint.
380
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,840
Thank you.
381
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,760
And why are you wearing my
dressing gown?
382
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,840
Huh?
383
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,080
Look at me.
384
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,120
Look at me.
385
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,040
Why are you wearing my
dressing gown?
386
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,160
I got cold.
387
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,160
I don't know where you get
the energy from, lad.
388
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,920
You must be gobbling vitamins
like a hungry hippo.
389
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,920
Get away from me, you twisted
pervert!
390
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,840
Oh, ey up, her comes your missus.
391
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,560
She must have heard about
you and her mum. Ooh!
392
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,800
Where is it?
393
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,000
Huh? My passport. Where is it?
394
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,080
I haven't got it. Well, it's gone.
395
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,480
And you're the only person
who knows I'm flying.
396
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,800
Look, I don't know anything
about it, all right?
397
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,640
I just want to get on with my job.
398
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,720
Thought you'd make an executive
decision, did you?
399
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,040
Where is it?
400
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,120
I've got no ideaaaa!
401
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,720
Yeah!
402
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,480
The strength!
403
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,240
It's unholy.
404
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,400
On...your...knees.
405
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,240
Argh! Yeah!
406
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,320
My passport!
407
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,360
Where is it?!
408
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,960
I haven't got it.
409
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,800
HE WAILS
410
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,040
It's your mum.
411
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,440
She took it.
412
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,320
I told her about the flight.
You did what?
413
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,520
I know about your ex. She told me.
414
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,400
It's a lot for you to take on.
415
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,960
It wasn't your fault.
416
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,600
I think he was just overwhelmed.
417
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,920
I think he just wanted
to be a father.
418
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,240
That's what she told you?
419
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,400
He's a loser.
420
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,960
But he tried to take his own life.
421
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,840
He didn't try to take his life.
422
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,160
He just turned up pissed - as usual.
423
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,560
We split up ten years ago.
424
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,760
He just took a bottle of whisky
to the shepherd's hut
425
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,040
and locked himself in.
426
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,200
It is typical of my mum
to romanticise things
427
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,680
and, it seems, you to believe it.
428
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,480
Yeah. I've had a bad run of judgment
lately, I'll admit that.
429
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,640
I'm going to pack. Clean...my...hut.
430
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,200
I can't get in!
431
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,520
For fuck's sake!
432
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,720
Bloody hell!
433
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,320
There's a knack to it.
434
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,800
Seriously?
435
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,320
FLIES BUZZ
436
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,720
Oh, my God.
437
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,040
What?
438
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,440
HE RETCHES
439
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,160
It's just it's so much worse than
he said it was.
440
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,880
I clean up blood and guts
every day, but I just...
441
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,560
I can't stand...
442
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,920
Honk and plop?
443
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,360
So it is a phrase.
444
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,560
HE RETCHES
445
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:14,920
Pass me the mop.
446
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,080
Oh, no. I couldn't let you.
Just give it to me.
447
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,720
HE RETCHES
448
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,480
# A clean-up woman
449
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,280
# Is a woman who
450
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,480
# Gets all the love we girls
leave behind
451
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:43,680
# The reason I know so much
about her
452
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,600
# Is because she picked up a man
of mine
453
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,920
# I took this man's love and put
it on a shelf... #
454
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,960
Good. OK. Now, what you need to
be...
455
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,400
# And like a fool I thought I had
him all to myself
456
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:04,400
# When he needed love
I was out having fun
457
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:10,160
# But I found out that all
I had done
458
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,520
# Was made it easy
459
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,320
# For the clean-up woman... #
460
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,880
Sorry.
461
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,640
He'd have been really impressed
if it was blood.
462
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,960
Not bad. Thank you.
463
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,800
Oh!
464
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,640
Now what?
465
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,160
I'm going to miss my bloody flight.
466
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,520
I'm amazed your gardener
hasn't popped up yet.
467
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:03,880
He'll have gone home.
468
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,120
He's not been himself since his wife
passed.
469
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,280
He seemed devastated.
470
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,200
He really was.
471
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,720
Well, there you go.
472
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,880
You can never meet a partner.
Or you can meet one and they die.
473
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,040
Either way, you're on your own.
474
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,320
Bloody hell. Cheer up.
475
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,080
If it's that bleak, why are you
having a kid anyway?
476
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,240
Mainly because I've had
a good time.
477
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,880
I've picked rubbish men.
478
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,800
But I've really enjoyed knocking
about on this planet.
479
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,480
I thought I might be a good coach
to a little one.
480
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,560
You really will be.
481
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,160
Not that you asked my opinion.
482
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,600
But, come on.
483
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,560
I mean, partner or not, no-one can
do it all by themselves, can they?
484
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,160
Oh, you might be right.
485
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,520
But you and I have a bigger problem
on our hands right now.
486
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,600
Hey?
487
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,160
My waters have broken.
488
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,720
Oh, fuck.
489
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,520
I thought you said you'd be OK
with blood. Oh, f...
490
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,640
Sh!
491
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,800
I can't fit through there!
492
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,240
No.
493
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,480
You can't. And nor can you.
494
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,120
If a crow can give birth mid-air,
or in a nest, I can get
495
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,560
through that skylight.
Enough about crows.
496
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,120
A man with your belly cannot fit
through that skylight.
497
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,680
What do you think I do at the beach?
498
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,120
HE INHALES DEEPLY
499
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,640
I hold it in.
500
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,040
SHE SCREAMS
501
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,280
Yeah!
502
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,320
HE GROANS
503
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480
HE SCREAMS
504
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,960
HE SCREAMS
505
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,800
SHE SCREAMS
506
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,960
Ah!
507
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,720
SHE SCREAMS
508
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:15,840
I'm free!
509
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,400
I'm a man!
510
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,200
Get stuck in there, lad.
511
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:28,840
Don't worry. We can do
this...together.
512
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,040
I've had it.
513
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,720
Hey? The baby. I've had it.
514
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,360
BABY CRIES
515
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,200
Oh, yeah!
516
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,880
Ah! Well done.
517
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,400
Help me, then!
518
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:42,800
Yes.
519
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,040
BABY COOS
520
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,320
That is safe?
521
00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,960
It's water.
522
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,920
I do know what I'm doing sometimes,
you know.
523
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,320
Come on, you.
524
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,080
We're going to be OK, aren't we?
525
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,520
Of course you are.
526
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,200
I was talking to the baby. Yeah.
527
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,400
We're going to sleep in the nursery
tonight...
528
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,720
..with the gender-neutral bear.
529
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,280
Are you?
530
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,480
Are we fuck?!
531
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,120
Darling?!
532
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,600
I rang her. Wrestle me if you want.
533
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,840
Oh. Oh!
534
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,480
Oh, darling, she's beautiful!
535
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,960
He, Mum. HE'S beautiful.
536
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,880
Have you fed him yet?
Oh, that's not how you hold him.
537
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,640
Come here. Let Nanny show you.
538
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,200
I'm managing.
539
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,760
And you did it all without gas
and air.
540
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,200
Oh, was it very painful?
541
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,080
Horrendous. That's my girl!
542
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,320
Ooh!
543
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,640
Hey, talk me through it, then.
544
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,280
Bet you had a right eyeful.
545
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,800
Oh, hello, love.
546
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,600
What are you doing here?
Looking for you.
547
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,840
I didn't want to just leave you
a note.
548
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,120
I'm leaving you.
549
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,160
What?
550
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,720
No. Y-y-you can't.
551
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,800
I'm sorry. It's nothing personal.
552
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,680
Donald, I have needs.
553
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,240
It's not your fault you can't...
554
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,720
But I have needs!
555
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,600
Damn you, little Donald!
556
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,640
Damn you!!!
557
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,160
Do you wish we'd had kids?
558
00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,440
Hmm?
559
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,440
Do you wish you and me
had had kids?
560
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,880
No. One's enough, babe.
561
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,320
Yeah.
562
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,280
Too much honk and plop, innit?
63292
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