All language subtitles for The.Lady.Is.Willing.1942.1080p.BluRay.x264-OFT_Legendas01.ENG

GIRL #1: Can I have your autograph,
Miss Madden?

GIRL #2: Gee, Miss Madden,
I think you're just wonderful.

BOY: Miss Madden, here's my address.
Will you send me a picture?

GIRL #3: Miss Madden,
can I have your autograph?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- Good afternoon.
- Miss Madden isn't at home,

but I'm her business
representative,

and she doesn't want
to buy anything.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(DOORBELL CONTINUES RINGING)

Er... You've mistaken me
for someone else.

I'm the Bureau
of Internal Revenue.

Oh. The, er... income tax.

Well, come in. Come in.

Yes, Mr Gensler.
I understand. Very soon.

Oh...

Don't tell me a month's
gone by already.

KEN: Another short subject
before the feature.

You're the 1940 man,
aren't ya?

No, I'm the 1941 man.

Oh, yes. I remember.
The '40 man has a moustache.

He comes on the
first and fifteenth.

You come on the
seventh and twenty-second.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Thank you.

Well, another ten weeks
and you'll be paid up.

Then you won't be
seeing me anymore.

Except in my sleep.

Oh, er... I want to thank you
for the passes to the play.

Oh, Miss Madden is
a wonderful actress, isn't she?

Oh, yes, she's great.

Well, I'll be running along now.

I'll see you on the
twenty-second.

LIZA:
Buddy?

- (DOOR CLOSING)
- Liza, is that you?

- Liza, is that you?
- LIZA: Yes. Buddy?

Call a doctor, quick.

- Doctor...?
- LIZA: An obstetrician.

An obste...?

Liza, a what?

- Look.
- (BABY COOING)

What...? W-W-What's that?

A baby.

That's what I thought.

LIZA: Hurry, Buddy.
Call somebody important.

Find out who's
the best obstetrician in town.

- And here, take these.
- It's a little late

for an obstetrician, isn't it?

LIZA: Get me the apartment manager.
I want him to come right up.

And call someone
who knows about toys.

- But, I... Well, I...
- LIZA: Oh, never mind.

I'll call everybody myself.

KEN: Maybe you mean
a paediatrician.

I want the manager, please,
and hurry.

Isn't she a darling?

This is Miss Madden.

Will you come up
to my apartment right away?

I need more room now
with a baby.

Yes, I said "a baby".

What?

Why, that's ridiculous.

Is there something in my lease
that says I can't have a baby?

But how could I tell you?
I didn't know it myself

until about fifteen minutes ago.

Oh, I don't care about
your rules for having babies.

That's silly anyway.

Oh, wait a minute.

Do you happen to know the very
best obstetrician in New York?

Obstetrician.

A baby doctor.

What was the name again?

Dr McBain?
Dr Corey T McBain.

Thank you. Hurry, Buddy.
Dr McBain, right away.

Somewhere
East 60-something Street.

You let Rome burn,
and all the time this poor little thing

might be catching
something from Ken.

Go sterilise yourself, Ken.

All the money you handle
and everything.

I didn't know you had a baby,
Miss Madden.

You didn't?

- Isn't she adorable?
- (CHUCKLING) Yes.

Hello. Oochy-coochy-
coochy-coochy-coo!

She has a smile just like yours.

Now, that's sweet of you.

Huh? Oh.

- (BABY EXCLAIMING)
- Well, I'll be saying goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who was that nice man?

He came here
with a special request

from Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

- He did?
- Yes.

When you get back to Washington,
remember me to Eleanor!

Yes, Miss Madden.

Liza, will you please
tell us where...

- BUDDY: Dr McBain is on the phone.
- Tell him to rush right over.

Oh, no, no.
Give me the phone.

Doctor?
This is Elizabeth Madden.

Would you rush right over here
and take a look at my baby?

Symptoms? Doctor,
if I could recognise symptoms,

I would be a doctor,
not an actress.

What age?

- (MUTTERING)
- (MOUTHING)

About two.

Oh, Doctor, please rush
right over here

instead of arguing with me
this way.

- The address is 25 East Abe, oh...
- 85th Street.

85th Street. Thank you.
Stupid of me.

Well, I thought
I was past surprise.

Liza, will you please take your mind
off that kid and kindly tell us...

Whose little act of God
is this you swiped?

Isn't she wonderful?
(CHUCKLING)

Isn't she extravagantly
beautiful?

(COOING)

- Doesn't she feel...?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

But whose is it?

- Mine.
- BOTH: Oh.

Now, take it easy.

Oh, stop schmoozing
all over that kid

and tell us
where you got it.

I took her.

- Ken?
- You mean you kidnapped her?

Oh, Ken, you've got
an obscene mind.

And you're a bad influence.

Buddy, when the manager
gets here, remind me to tell him

to have some workmen
remove that bar right away.

It's no atmosphere
for a growing child.

Well, keep her from growing up
for just a few minutes, will you?

I've gotta get in shape to save
you from the Lindbergh Law.

Ken?

Well, what is it?

At least you might hide
that bottle of...

G-I-N.

Oh, now, Liza,
will you please sit down

and let's start talking sense.

Now, no matter how much
you may want to,

you just can't play Foundling
Home without a licence.

Now, sit down and, um...

tell Papa and Mama all about it.

Yes.

Now, tell us.

Just where did you
kidnap the kid?

Ken? I've asked you not to use
that awful word.

I did not kidnap her.
I just took her.

I was coming back from the
theatre in a cab up 8th Avenue.

You know, that awful block where
all those frightful rooming houses are.

There was an awful traffic jam.

There were police cars
and everything.

So I got out of my cab
to see what it was all about.

Oh, naturally.

LIZA: It was a very excitable Italian
talking to some policemen,

and some people had abandoned
this precious little darling

in one of his rooms.

Can you imagine anybody so
completely lacking in feeling?

Well, don't you worry, angel.

Mommy's got you now.

Er... There was an excitable Italian
talking to some policemen?

And Jo was just crying
fit to break your heart.

- Jo?
- That's what I've decided to call her.

Jo for Joanna.

It's odd. It's cute.

Joanna Madden.

So, I said to the policeman,
"Give me that baby.

"You don't know
how to hold her."

- BUDDY: And you do?
- Naturally.

Every woman knows how
to hold a baby.

Maternal instinct.

It's like... like sewing on buttons
or beating an egg...

(GASPING) Oh, careful, Jo darling.
Mommy's got you.

The minute
I took hold of her,

she stopped crying
and smiled at me.

We're meant for each other.

So I just walked out,
got in the cab

and brought her home
where she belongs.

Now, listen. Let's turn her over right now
to the proper authorities.

- What?!
- Perhaps you can adopt her later.

And have her in a bleak
and dismal institution?

Maybe weeks
before I can get her?

- I should say not.
- KEN: Well...

Ours not to reason why.

Joanna is home.
And here she stays.

Miss Liz! Is that
a baby you got there?

Look, Mary Lou.
Isn't she an angel?

MARY LOU:
Angel right from Heaven.

Ain't ya, chuckle-face?

Miss Liz, who does this
pink cherub belong to?

She's mine, Mary Lou.

Isn't it wonderful?
All mine.

So that's why you had me take
a vacation last year.

Didn't even trust
ol' Mary Lou.

You're sure a sly one,
Miss Liz.

But, Mary Lou,
you mustn't think that I...

Oh, no, Mary Lou.

(BABY EXHALING)

(COOING)

- Over there, sir.
- Oh, thanks.

Oh, excuse me.
I gotta go to the store.

- I'm Dr McBain.
- Oh, that's all right.

Just go right on in, sir.

(CLEARING THROAT)

I want the whole nursery
in pale pink and aquamarine.

And that door isn't wide enough.
Have it made larger,

so that we can wheel
Joanna's perambulator

through when we want to.

And, Buddy,
remember about the toys.

But, Miss Madden,
I want you to realise

that I must have a special
dispensation from the owners.

I'm not allowed to rent
to families with children.

I don't wish to intrude,

but I was called here on
an emergency. I'm Dr McBain.

Hello, Doctor.

And, Buddy, tell the decorator
we need a piano.

A musical education
is essential to a girl.

- Yes?
- I'm Dr McBain.

Dr Corey T McBain.

I was called here
on a serious emergency.

Oh, yes, yes.
Would you come with me?

I want to ask you something.
Where is it, now?

Here.
What do you fill this with?

I don't wish
to seem unreasonable,

but was the contents of
an infant's feeding bottle

the subject
of this emergency call?

- Oh, the call?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I just said that.
You know how doctors are.

Unless they think
someone is actually dying,

they just dawdle along.

I was called here to examine
a two-year-old child.

Oh, yes. Here she is.

- My own precious darling, Joanna.
- (BABY COOING)

This?

This is an infant
of about eight or nine months.

Oh, yes, yes. There was a slight
mistake about the age.

She's so smart that
I always think of her

as being much older.

Aren't you, my angel?

If you wish me to examine
the child, madam, I will do so.

Otherwise,
I have calls to make.

Of course I want you
to examine her.

I want you to do much more
than that.

I want you to give me
a full regimen for her.

Food, exercise, and everything.

Everything physical, of course.

I'm going to take care of
the cultural development myself.

I'm sure there's no-one
more competent.

LIZA:
Thank you.

Where may I wash my hands,
please?

Right over there.

(WATER RUNNING)

I want you to be at hand any time
we're likely to need you, Doctor.

Would it be too much trouble
for you to move into this building?

It would be a great deal
too much trouble, Miss Madden.

Doctor, do you have any
favourites among your tiny patients,

or do you just fall in love
with all of them?

I never have favourites, nor do I
fall in love with them as individuals.

Frankly, Miss Madden,
I detest children of all ages.

I detest infants particularly.

What?

But that can't be.

I mean,
a man who dislikes children

simply can't be
a baby specialist.

On the contrary, Miss Madden,
that is absolutely the case.

And I didn't use the word "dislike".
I said "detest".

(BABY COOING)

Children simply fail to strike
a responsive chord in me.

(BABY BABBLING)

The infant's chest seems perfect.

Please don't say "infant".

It sounds so unaffectionate.

As though she had
no personality.

Please call her Joanna.

(BABY COOING)

Miss Madden, might I suggest
that you choose

a different name for, er...
Joanna?

She happens to be a male.

What?

A boy?

But that can't be.

He...

I mean, she...

I mean,
he was wearing all pink.

He just can't be a boy.

Everybody knows girls wear pink
and boys wear blue.

Don't you know that?

Miss Madden, many years ago,

medical science discovered
a much better way

of segregating
boys and girls

than by the colour of
their clothing.

(BABY COOING)

(SNEEZING)

(COOING AND BABBLING)

LIZA:
Albert?

Alexander?

Abraham?

Arthur?

No, no, no, pet.
That's one of yesterday's toys,

before the doctor came.
You wouldn't like that.

Where have we got the little...?
Oh, yeah, there.

Look.

(BABY COOING)

LIZA:
Bertram?

Bernard?

(BABBLING)

Boyd?

Say, what is that roll call
you're reading anyway?

A list of your
favourite taxi drivers?

No, they're all right here in
this book for expectant mothers.

How to Choose a Suitable Name.

Benjamin?

Bailey?

Bradford?

Buster?

Bouvert.

Bouvert?

Bouvert.
It says "Bouvert".

Where?

Never even heard of it.

What's he supposed to do
when you hit the right one?

Whistle through his teeth?

Get up and do a time step?

(BRONX ACCENT) C'est l'heure
pour le diner de mon oncle, madame.

LIZA: Leave him here until
it's ready, Nanette. I'll bring him in.

Oui, madame.

Not bad!

LIZA: I think
French governesses are cute.

And Jo, I mean,
he loves her.

(BABY COOING)

Mmm. He seems to have weathered
the quick switch in sex all right.

You're taking it calmly, too.

Well, of course I'm delighted.

A boy is so much less likely
to get into trouble than a girl.

Oh, a boy will be so nice.

(SQUEALING)

A tall, handsome son
to take me out to dinner.

Now, come on, angel,
pay attention.

Try and concentrate, hmm?

- Baptiste?
- KEN: Listen, Liza.

Tall, handsome Baptiste will be
passing you gumdrops

through the bars of Sing Sing
if you don't take my advice

and let me smuggle the little...

let me sneak it into
a police station some night

and then run like everything.

Oh, stop being childish.

Go and see
some more lawyers.

Keep on trying until
you find someone with sense.

I've seen all
the lawyers in New York.

I'm stymied until Harvard
graduates some more.

And I know what they'll say, too.

BOTH: "Technically, you're a kidnapper
and there's nothing you can do

"but turn him over
to the proper authorities."

No. I'm going to adopt him.

Liza, for the nine hundred
and sixty-first time, you can't.

(BABY COOING)

However maternal
you may be feeling

at this particular moment,
the courthouse records

list you as "unmarried".

(BABBLING)

You're single and strapped,

and they don't let
people adopt babies unless

they're married or have money.

Oh, that's silly.

I make more money than
most people who have babies.

- I make lots of money.
- You make lots of money, yes.

You have lots of money, no.

You give it away to
that crummy list of pensioners.

All right, then go
and get me some more.

You...

Oh!

Let's find another page here.
Now, let's see...

LIZA:
Carol?

(BABY CRYING OUT)

No, you didn't
like that one. Carter?

The, er...
The Case for the Bottle Baby.

Er... Infant...

Don't you like
any of them, darling?

He just sits there.

I remember an audience
in Cedar Rapids once

that behaved the same way.

Maybe we can make
one up, hmm? How's that?

KEN:
Make up a number,

and when you get yours,
he won't feel slighted.

Now, let's see.

Barry...

Cary, Gary...

Call him "Catastrophe".

Oh, no,
that's much too long.

Now, let's see...

Corey! How's that?
I just made it up.

(BABY EXCLAIMING)

- And he likes it!
- Corey? Cor...

Isn't there somebody
in the building by that name?

You're thinking of what
I'm going to commit

to keep us all out of jail.

Harry-Cary.

- He likes it!
- (BABBLING)

- Yes, my angel.
- (DOOR CLOSING)

Hello, Corey, darling!
He loves it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Miss Elizabeth Madden's apartment.

George!
I thought I told you

not to call me during
my business hours!

Well, what do I care
about the po...?

What's that you say?
What?!

Miss Liz!

Miss Liz!
The police, Miss Liz!

The police!

Mary Lou, don't startle Corey
that way. He might stutter.

Mary Lou,
don't be ridiculous.

No, ma'am, Miss Liz.
But George seen 'em.

Two policemen, he said, and a
police lady askin' about a baby.

On their way up here?

George said they's
in the elevator right now.

Now let's keep calm, everybody.

Mary Lou, you take the toys.
Hide them in the icebox.

Buddy, you take Corey
and hide him in the nursery.

And tell that French dame,
Frou-Frou or whatever her name is,

to lock the door.

The most important thing
is we have to keep our heads.

Now, let's start all over again
and get organised.

- Oh, Corey!
- Here, give the baby to me.

No, no, no, no. You leave him
to me before you kill him.

Now, you distract them
until I get back.

Give them some drinks.
Offer them some...

some passes.

Maybe I should just run my
fingers through their hair?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Yes, what is it?

We'd like to see
Miss Madden for a moment.

Oh, but I'm awfully sorry,
but this is just the hour

when Miss Madden rests
and has her massage at...

It's a very strenuous
part she has now.

Have you seen the play?
Would you, er...

- No.
- Um, oh...

Buddy, is that
the photographer

the press department
was sending up?

- Oh...
- LIZA: Oh, I'm sorry.

- Good afternoon. Miss Madden?
- How do you do?

I'm Sergeant Barnes,

and Mrs Cummings of the
Child Welfare Department.

How do you do?

And this is Patrolman Murphy.

How do you do?

Miss Madden,

I'd like to ask you a few
questions about a baby.

BOTH:
A baby?

- (CHUCKLING)
- BARNES: A baby was abandoned

in a roomin' house
over here on 47th Street.

Murphy here was
investigatin' the case

when a woman offered
to hold the baby for him.

She walked off with the baby.

- Why, do you mean she...?
- Uh-huh.

- (GASPING)
- Vanished.

We found the cab driver
who drove her and the baby

to this building.

But you can't have
babies in this building.

BOTH:
That's in the lease, yes.

Murphy here
and the other witnesses say

that this lady was wearing
the screwiest hat

- they'd ever seen.
- (LAUGHING)

Well, that-that's hardly a
distinguishing characteristic these days.

So, we come here
and we ask the bellboys

what lady wears
the screwiest hats.

And every one of 'em
says "Miss Madden".

Well...

the bellboys.

What do they know
about hats, anyway?

So we thought you wouldn't mind
if we looked around,

just to see if we
could sort of find a baby

that perhaps
you hadn't noticed.

That's an outrage.

Aren't you supposed to
have a certificate or...

- Writ.
- A writ or something?

(DOOR OPENING)

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot

♪ Them gates is locked
and closed up good and tight

♪ Swing low, sweet chariot

♪ Can't nobody get that little mite ♪

I thought I heard somebody.

Well, Sergeant, help yourself.

Hmm?

- Buddy?
- Huh?

Show them through the place.

Oh, well, there really
isn't very much to see, Captain.

We lead such a quiet life here.

Er, this is the living room
where we...

- live.
- Uh-huh.

LIZA:
Shall we sit down, Mrs Canning?

BUDDY: Er, this is the library or
the smoking room where we, um...

- BARNES: Smoke, I suppose?
- BUDDY: Uh-huh.

Your work must be
fascinating, Mrs Cunning.

Cummings.

Yes, I suppose it is.

Frankly, Mrs Cummings, don't
you think it's rather ridiculous,

suspecting me of kidnapping?

On the contrary,
we have many similar cases.

It happens every day.

Generally to women whose
lives have been so selfish

that they've never experienced
the normal feelings

of love and self-sacrifice.

It's very interesting, Miss Madden.

When the lipstick's all gone,

Miss Madden puts buckshot
in those things,

and we hold up filling stations.

You might recognise
the headpiece.

Is this all?

Except the special chute
that whooshes the bodies

down to the East River.
(CHUCKLING)

That's it!

- (CLATTERING)
- Oh! Say, take it easy there, sonny.

A lot of those aren't paid for.

- (CHUCKLING)
- (BUDDY COUGHING)

Oh, well, what's that?
(CHUCKLING)

One of your hats, Miss Madden.
Would you mind trying it on?

Oh, well, that old thing!
(CHUCKLING)

I haven't worn that in years.
Have I, Buddy?

Why, I can't think how that
got back in the cupboard. It's too...

Would you try it on, please?

Try it on?

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Of course.

Certainly.

Now I don't think
that's so screwy, do you?

Oh, you wouldn't know it.
(CHUCKLING)

Well?

Don't look much like it.

Okay, come on.

I'm sorry to upset your house
like this, Miss Madden,

but you understand.
We've got a job to do.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

(GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)
It was rather interesting.

BUDDY: Tip us off next time.
We'll put some beer on ice.

- Oh, I...
- MAN: Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just going to knock.

I didn't know you
had company, Miss Madden.

Oh, come right in.
They were just leaving. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, they're not exactly "company".
Do come in.

Er... No, thanks.

I just wanted to tell you
I consulted the owners

and they decided that
it can be arranged for you

to take the apartment next door
as a nursery for your baby.

(MOUTHING)

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Well...

try and get us connecting cells
with a bath between.

She's a swell kid, but I have
to add and subtract for her.

If I give you my word
it's all right,

would you wait outside
while I dress him?

Of course I will,
Miss Madden.

But the more you prolong it,
the more difficult it'll be.

(BABY CRYING)

Don't tell me
the longer I keep him,

the harder the parting's
going to be.

I know it.

I know it, and still I want
to keep him every extra minute,

every second I can have him.

I don't care how
painful it makes it.

And I don't care if you're
an expert at your profession.

You'd know that if you had
any children of your own.

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

I was thinking by the time
I get uptown,

it'll be nearly seven o'clock.

I live in Brooklyn.
It's a long trip.

I was wondering if
the ends of justice

wouldn't be just as well served
if I left him here tonight, and...

stop off in the morning
and get him.

I'm sorry for what
I've said, Mrs Cummings.

I'll be glad to get home early.

My little brood can't
get fed till I get there.

I have five of my own,
Miss Madden.

Good night.

Leeches, leeches, leeches.

"Billy Black, acrobat,
hospital bill, seventy-five.

"Oldermine's doorman, back alimony
for second wife, seventy-five.

"Faye Brown, ventriloquist.

"New head repairs
on dummy, twenty-five..."

- BUDDY: I thought I heard you...
- Ssh!

Liza...

What are you doing at home
in that finale costume?

You know we can't
afford to replace it.

- I wanted to get home to Corey.
- Oh!

Here's that pension list
you asked for.

And I have some
very drastic cuts to suggest.

Now look, we can cut
Uncle Charles to fifty, and...

Great-uncle Charles?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

Well, what does he do but
run up and down Miami Beach,

pinching girls?

That shouldn't be
so expensive.

Probably costs him
a lot to keep in condition...

- Ssh!
- To keep in condition

just for the running part.

LIZA:
We've got to concentrate.

I can't adopt Corey
unless I'm-I'm-I'm...

- Solvent or...
- Solvent.

So you both have to
make me that way.

We can't make you solvent
if you keep on sending money

to all these leeches.

Now, look, there's Stevenson.
Now he's had the same bad idea

for the same bad play every day
for the last five years.

But he has talent, and one day
he might write a great play.

That money keeps him going.

- Yes, from bar to bar.
- LIZA: Ssh.

Look, children, this is
a commendable burst of economy,

but it should've started
six or seven years ago,

along with Tobacco Road
and Hellzapoppin'.

I don't see why I'm not solvent.

Because you have more debts
than a college sophomore.

- Ssh.
- BUDDY: Because of all that money

to these leeches.

Being solvent means
hard cash money in the bank.

Not a swell apartment with
a lot of expensive furniture.

And the law says you either
have to be solvent or married.

I'll just have to get married.

Why don't you marry
somebody with money

and kill two birds
with one ceremony?

Yes, that's what I'll do.

I'll get married.

May I ask who the, er,

prospective and unsuspecting
bridegroom is?

Your leading man?

Oh, no, no.

He wouldn't believe it was
strictly a marriage of convenience.

BUDDY:
Why, Liza!

Oh, I see. It's to be, er...

all business, this marriage?

Certainly.

- Ken?
- KEN: Huh?

Oh, no. Now, Liza,
please, please, not me.

Why not? You are handy
and I can manage you.

I know, but look, look...

Look, Liza,
I'll do anything for you.

I'll sign notes for you,
I'll defraud managers for you,

I'll even steal babies.
I'll do anything,

but I will not marry you.

(BABY CRYING)

- LIZA: Ssh...
- KEN: If you want to keep

that gurgling item
you picked up somewhere,

I'll even help you do that.

I'll do anything in the world
for you, my darling,

- but I will not marry you.
- (BABY CRYING LOUDER)

LIZA: Now, look what you've done.
You awakened him.

Get out of here.
You're no help, anyway. Go on.

Well, I'll see you in the morning.

(DOOR CLOSING)

- Buddy?
- Mm-hmm?

Don't you think
his face is flushed?

(CRYING CONTINUES)

Get Nanette.

BUDDY: Nanette?
Nanette?

Nanette? Do you think a pin
is sticking him or something?

Or maybe he's hungry. Did you
give him his ten o'clock bottle?

(CRYING LOUDER)

Uh-oh.

He's got those purple things
all over the stomach.

Buddy, get that doctor, quick.

You mean the one
who hates babies?

Never mind what he hates.
Get him, quick!

Last year I had a job
with a party in Flushing.

They had it all over
the stomach, too.

Typhoid.

No.

- (CRYING LOUDER)
- It can't be. Your tummy's all right.

No, it can't be.

Buddy!

It isn't typhoid.

You're sure?

Definitely.

Oh, Doctor.

But we didn't
give him any strawberries.

It couldn't be
that kind of a rash.

(BABY BURBLING)

(BABY CRYING)

What is it?

Miss Madden, do you know what
material these are made of?

Why, crêpe de Chine,
of course.

You didn't consider that
proletarian substance

known as cotton?

I wanted to give him the best.

Silk is an excellent
abrasive when moist,

second only to sandpaper.

And a baby's skin
is extremely tender.

Oh, Corey, darling.

It's all my fault.

That's Corey?

LIZA: Mm-hmm. Nice name, isn't it?
I made it up.

You made it up.

I suggest you get, er...

Corey some ordinary
cotton garments.

I'll leave a prescription.

You should have had
more sense to know that.

That silk is an-an-an...
(SNAPPING FINGERS)

An abrasive.

You should have known that.

Or don't French babies have...

What happened to your accent?

L-I... got all excited
and I forgot.

Oh, Miss Madden.

You can't imagine
how hard it is

to get a good job
with a responsible party

when you live
uptown in the Bronx...

with a name like...

like Myrtle Glosserman.

You won't fire me,
will ya?

I've been here two days
and you liked what I'd done.

Please don't fire me.

You'll have to go tomorrow
anyway, you know that.

I won't need you
without the baby.

Where are you sending him?

I'm not sending him anywhere.
They're going to take him.

- The baby welfare.
- (MYRTLE SOBBING)

Take him and put him
in some home.

Just because of
some stupid technicality.

Oh, stop gargling like that!

(SOBBING)

Now, listen here,
Gluschkinbecker,

or whatever
your real name is.

Nobody's mad at you because
you were born in the Bronx.

I used to tell reporters

I was born backstage
in the opera house in Prague.

Well, I was born in
Frankford, Pennsylvania.

In the shop where my father
made harmonicas

and painted cupids on them.

Let's get out of here
before she comes to the part

where her uncle
and Schleswig-Holstein

sent her a cuckoo clock.

It played
Franck's Symphony in D minor.

Oh!

Oh, I suppose we'll have
that Bronx soubrette

on the pension list
for the next fifty years.

She struck
a responsive chord.

Miss Madden seems to have
quite a few such chords.

Are you English?

No, Nebraska. Why?

You keep understating
everything.

Say, er, what is all this

about the welfare taking
the baby in the morning?

Oh, that's not her baby.

Well, I suspected that when
she was calling Corey Joanna.

- (CHUCKLING)
- Whose baby is it?

- Oh, she kidnapped it.
- Kidnapped it?

Oh, well, practically.

She found it,
she wants to keep it,

and they won't let her,
that's all.

Well, I don't see
what's so criminal about that.

Lots of women want babies.
And get them, too.

Yeah, but they usually
go about it

in a less spectacular fashion.

Oh, she never does anything
the simple way. (CHUCKLING)

She's just something
out of the blue.

She's practically all heart.

Look, look, just...
Just take a look at that.

That baby's the only thing

she's ever really wanted
for herself.

Well, that's hardly
a medical problem, is it?

No.

This is just a bland ointment

to clear up the baby's rash.

Can I get you a drink?

Maybe we could both use one.

Three mastoids today,
plus this, er...

emergency left me a little
ragged around the edges.

Well, then
we'll put on a new a...

Whoop!

Well, that's funny.
It was here yesterday.

- What was here yesterday?
- The bar...

Oh, I remember.

Miss Madden
had it taken out.

Said it was a bad influence
for Corey.

A bad influence for...

(GIGGLING)

(CHUCKLING)
Well, that's wonderful.

(SHUSHING)

He's asleep.

- What does he think is so funny?
- You.

I'm sorry, Miss Madden.
I wasn't laughing at you, I...

I was laughing at
your genuine, but misguided,

devotion for that baby.

Taking out the bar.

You think I'm crazy, huh?

No, not now. I, er...

I was gonna suggest that
you visit a psychiatrist.

A doctor for mental disorders.

Oh.

Oh, Miss Madden,
even sane people

sometimes visit psychiatrists.

- Where's that prescription?
- BOTH: Here.

- Probably no good.
- I'll go with you.

No, thank you.
That's not necessary.

She'll never find a drugstore
open this time of the night.

Well, then she'll
build one and open it.

You might have held
the elevator for me.

This is ridiculous.

Drugstores have no business
closing this time of night.

Look, Miss Madden,
the baby'll be all right till morning.

And, er...
I'm sorry if I offended you.

(DOOR RATTLING)

You made fun of me.

But supposing
he was seriously ill?

What would you do then?

I didn't make fun of you.

And, if he'd been seriously ill,
I would have taken care of him.

'Course you made fun of me.

All that nonsense you told me
about going to a... to a...

- A psychiatrist?
- Mm-hmm.

I went to one once.

What for?

I wanted something too, once.

Something I couldn't have.

A baby?

No, not a baby.
Rabbits.

365,422 rabbits.

What on Earth for?

Well, I wanted
to prove or disprove

a theory of mine about
pneumonia.

I had an idea for a cure.

But, in order to do it,
I'd have to study it

in the bloodstream of
seventeen generations of rabbits.

And seventeen
generations of rabbits

is 365,422 rabbits.

No wonder you hear
so many jokes about them.

Sometimes,
I dream about rabbits.

Count them instead of sheep.

LIZA: But you never do
anything about them?

COREY: You'd start tonight,
wouldn't ya?

And have seventeen
generations of rabbits

by morning
under forced draft.

I don't see
what's so complicated.

All you'd need to start with
would be two rabbits.

Come again?

Er, a couple of doughnuts
and a glass of milk.

- Miss Madden?
- Mm-hmm?

- On two.
- Surely, two rabbits

wouldn't be so hard to get
or very expensive?

No.

No, but it seems that
every time I got started,

a personal disaster came along

and I had to go back to babies.

There's no money in research,

and certain people
kept telling me I was crazy

to want to give up
a successful practice

for something
there was no money in.

Finally, I sorta
believed it myself.

That's why I went to
a psychiatrist.

Did he think
you were crazy?

- No.
- Neither do I.

MAN:
Er, excuse me, mister.

Oh.

Excuse me?

Let's go over here.

Dr McBain?

Dr McBain,
will you marry me?

Oh, su... What?

I asked you
if you would marry me.

Oh, Miss Madden,
this is so sudden.

Now, I don't ask you
to do anything unethical.

You don't even have to speak
to me in the elevator

- if you don't want to.
- Why, I...

It'll be extremely practical,
and get us both what we want.

Now, I want my baby.

And the welfare couldn't refuse

- if I'm married to a baby doctor.
- Well, no.

Now, you want all these thousands
and thousands of rabbits, don't you?

- Well, yes, but...
- Now, I've already taken

the next apartment.
You can fill it up with rabbits.

I mean, the part I don't
need for the nursery.

- Oh, Miss Madden, I couldn't...
- Yes, you could.

- Just think of me as an angel.
- Oh, I do, but...

I mean, an angel
backing your rabbit show.

Oh, Miss Madden, we don't
know anything about each other.

Oh, nonsense.
Everybody knows me.

And you were recommended by
the apartment manager.

Besides, you like rabbits.

Nobody who likes rabbits
could be very vicious.

Oh, I'm not, but...

Well, you just don't marry people

on the same day
you examine their babies.

But you met me yesterday.

Heavens, Dr McBain,
don't be so conventional.

Don't you ever do things
on impulse?

Well... Yes, yes, I do.
That's the trouble.

I did once, and I got
all tangled up.

But, if you marry me,

everything becomes
so simple and logical.

Miss Madden, marriage is
never simple and seldom logical.

Besides, it would improve
your standing

when you start
practising again.

I always have much more
confidence in a doctor

when he has a picture of
his baby on his desk.

Now, look, it wouldn't
take long at all.

I was married in my last play.
I know just how to do it.

Now, morning would be the best
because we could go right down

and have the baby adopted,
and you wouldn't waste any time

getting started on your rabbits.
Let's make it Saturday, hmm?

I...
(SIGHING)

Hello.

This is Dr McBain, my fiancé.

- Look, Miss Madden...
- Let me have one of your cards.

I know you want the baby,
and I want the rabbits...

Gimme. Gimme.

(MUFFLED)
He'll need some money.

Now, look, I want you
to call this number

Saturday morning
at seven-thirty,

so that he won't forget
to marry me.

Ooh, Saturday
I have a matinee.

Make it Monday.
Monday, seven-thirty.

Now look, Miss Madden, I...

(SIGHING)

I...

(SIGHING)

Could you make it eight?

MARY LOU:
Shouldn't we say somethin'?

Well, here's to the bride
and the groom,

and for those lost souls

who are eternally clearing up
after wedding breakfasts.

(CHUCKLING)

Miss Buddy, what do they
make this stuff out of?

Grapes.

Grapes.

Ain't very purple, is it?

REPORTER:
Thanks a lot, Miss Madden.

This'll put the war
back on page ten.

You're perfectly welcome, boys.

Thank you, Doctor.

I thought reporters wore their hats
on the back of their heads.

LIZA:
That's just in the movies.

Why, Corey!

Oh, don't worry.
It's indelible.

Do you think I've forgotten
how you hate my lipstick?

Why, I could
just hear him now.

"How do you manage
to get lipstick

"all over my good shirts,
all over my good ties,

"all over my good pyjamas,
all over the pillowcases...

"Why, you even get it
in my ears."

Er, Mrs McBain, er...

Mrs McBain.

MRS McBAIN:
Oh, Corey, you're still a social dud.

"Mrs McBain, meet Mrs McBain."
Why, that's silly.

I'm Mrs McBain.
What's your name?

It's a surprise to me,

but I guess I'm
Mrs McBain number two.

Well, Corey!

Why, as far as I know,
I'm number one.

We're in the dark,
Bluebeard.

What number am I?

Er, two.

I must be the last.

We were just married
this morning.

There'd hardly be time
for a third.

Why, congratulations.

Incidentally, he has
a mania for rabbits.

Imagine?

If he ever starts
talking about rabbits,

you run like mad.

Gee, that's a cute baby.

- Whose is it?
- LIZA: Ours.

Er, that was, er...

One of the small,
personal disasters

- that interrupted your work?
- Er, yeah.

MARY LOU:
Shame on you for forgettin'.

Ain't no bride comin'
fresh into this house

without first she's toted
over the doorstep.

Oh, Mary Lou,
don't be so sentimental.

Yes, ma'am. But it's bad luck
just to walk in.

- Do you mind?
- No, it's a nice tradition.

Now, you take him,
but be careful.

BUDDY: I guess I'd better have
the coats and hats, then.

- Thanks.
- BUDDY: Okay.

There you go.

Aah!

That's better.

Yes. Now that charming
little ceremony's over,

I think you'd better
take a look at the nursery.

Before that decorator
puts in a scenic railway.

Come on, my pet.

I show you
your nice, little room.

(BUDDY CHUCKLING)

(HUMMING)

BUDDY:
Oh, er...

You'd better come, too,

and see what you've
gotten yourself in for, hmm?

You're back home, angel.
You're back home.

You should've found out
what kind of an imagination

this gal had, before you told her
to let it run wild.

Um...
The admission is two bits.

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

LIZA: It's wonderful.
So gay!

You don't think
you're spoiling Corey, do you?

All it needs is a guy going through,
selling cotton candy.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Isn't it heavenly,
Corey, darling?

Well, it, er...

- (BABY COOING)
- (LIZA GIGGLING)

Well, it looks as if somebody's gonna
have to be called "Junior" around here.

I wouldn't be surprised
if you're it.

Er... Would you like to see
the rest of your apartment?

Yeah, thanks.

(SAWING)

This is where
you hang your hat.

Well!

Oh, this came
just after you left.

You'd better hurry up
and open it.

I think it's spoiled.

I didn't order this.

Oh, you... You're not
supposed to order anything.

You just tell me
what you want,

tables, microscopes, any...

Well, let's not get off
to a false start.

I'll buy my own equipment.

You just send me
the bills for all this,

and anything else
that Miss Madden wa...

Somebody ought to
tell me these things.

Now, I was under the impression

that Miss Madden was
setting you up in rabbits

in return for making
an honest mother of her.

Yeah, I know. From where you sit,
I'm a sort of scientific gigolo.

- Oh, no.
- Look...

For six years,
I've had a good practice.

I've been miserable,
but I've had a good practice.

I'm not broke.

Now, I have no practice,
but, er...

I don't think I'm gonna be
miserable anymore.

You remember when you accused me
of understating everything?

Well, I, er, I didn't marry
Miss Madden for free rent.

She, er...
She did something to me,

and, er,
she's rather attractive.

I hope you know
what you're doing, rabbit man.

Gotcha.

(GENTLY TOUCHING PIANO KEYS)

(PLAYING CHOPIN)

Chopin?

Yeah. His concerto
in one too many sharps.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't know you were home yet.

Oh, don't stop.

Chopin's perfect
for four in the morning.

Four o'clock? Gosh, I didn't
think it was that late. I, er...

Got to working, I guess.

(CHUCKLING)

Mary Lou always leaves something
for me out in the kitchen.

Well, that's good.

- Would you care for something?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, don't you want
a sandwich or a glass of milk?

- Brain food.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

You should be in bed.

Possibly. But I'm not.

Can't sleep.

And stop being a doctor.
It's after hours.

- Play for me?
- All right.

This piano playing
was my mother's idea.

She always wanted me to be
a Paderewski.

But I disappointed her.
I leaned toward rabbits.

You sort of look like
a rabbit yourself

with all that fuzz.

Can you wiggle your nose?

(GENTLY PLAYING)

You work too hard.

I always thought acting
was easy,

like, er,
mattress testing,

till I met you.

You're the first actress
I've ever known.

Didn't you chase chorus girls
in your college days?

I was a student by day
and a busboy at night.

That didn't leave me much time
for chasing any kind of girls.

You work pretty hard yourself.

You know, you may yet
be known to history

because you were married to
the famous Dr McBain...

for a short time.

I'm halfway through
my experiment.

They're still holding up.

It is working out, isn't it?

I told you it would.

Yeah.

Yeah.
Better get some sleep.

I know.

I'll probably look like
a waterfront hag tomorrow.

(CHUCKLING)

It'd take more than staying up
all night to do that.

Do what?

Make you look like a hag.

(CHUCKLING)

I'm married three months,

and finally my husband
pays me a compliment.

Close your eyes and concentrate
on something green.

What, for instance?

That green dress
you wore on Friday night.

All right.

When did you see me
Friday night?

At the Stork.

I dropped in for a drink.

Why didn't you
come over to my table?

You were busy.

Didn't look like quite the place
for a husband in name only.

Don't be silly.
That was my leading man.

Doesn't mean anything.

We just work together,
that's all.

(STOPS PLAYING)

Yeah...

(RESUMES PLAYING)

(STOPS PLAYING)

(RESUMES PLAYING)

My, the sunshine in the park
is sure making him shoot up all right.

Yes, isn't it?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, Ken, the funniest thing
happened to me...

Liza, you're going to
have to face this.

Do you remember
what Mrs Cummings said?

That if Corey's real parents
showed up within a year, you'd, er...

Yes?

Miss Madden,
I'm K. K. Miller, attorney.

This is Mr and Mrs Joseph P. Quig,

clients of mine
and parents of the baby.

Hiya.

Oh, they couldn't be.

Oh, yes, ma'am.
He's our baby.

And thanks lots for keeping him
so swell and everything.

And I think that's a grand name
you gave him, Corey.

I like it much better
than Joe.

That's his real name, Joe,
after his father.

I think this is much better,
and I'm gonna call him that.

Sounds swell. Corey Quig!

(GIGGLING)

Ken, what is this?
A practical joke?

No, Liza, there does seem
to be evidence.

Absolutely conclusive evidence.

I don't care
what evidence you have.

I found him. He's mine.

You can't take him.

- They have a court order.
- I have a court order, too.

Your order's
been superseded.

All that remains now is for
the Quigs to identify the baby.

MRS QUIG:
Oh, he's ours, all right.

I'd know my precious
anywheres.

I don't believe it.

But, even if it is true,
he was abandoned.

They have no right
to him now.

Why don't you
do something, Ken?

I've done everything that's possible.

MILLER: Miss Madden,
your manager's made a proposal

to which the Quigs reacted with
natural and unqualified repugnance.

But, after mature deliberation,
and taking into consideration

the many advantages
the child would have with you...

Yes, I says to him,

she can give our Joey
everything we can't.

Even a college education.

It busts our hearts.
The both of us.

I'm so glad you realise that.

- And I assure you...
- MILLER: Of course, Miss Madden,

the Quigs would have to have...

expect some compensation
for this supreme sacrifice.

Some payment.

They want twenty-five
thousand dollars.

Well, give it to them.

Liza, you haven't got
twenty-five thousand dollars.

Well, get it.
Call somebody.

- Call everyone I know.
- I have.

They've all suffered big
business losses

within the past hour.

All right, then.
Sell everything.

Sell everything I have.

Sell my...

Wait a minute.

Don't go away.
Please, don't go away.

Don't worry, they won't.

Where's she going?

Doctor! Doctor!

We all has got to get us
twenty-five thousand dollars right away.

- Twenty-five thousand dollars?
- Yes, sir.

There's snakes in the parlour,
sayin' they's Butch's folks,

and they's gonna carry him off unless
we give 'em twenty-five thousand dollars.

COREY: What is this
that Mary Lou tells me?

Those people claim
to be Butch's parents.

- Well, what proof have they got?
- I don't know.

What difference
does it make?

I can buy them off.

Now, wait a minute before
you start this rummage sale.

It makes a lot of difference.

If they're Butch's parents,
we have no legal right to him.

If they aren't,
and it looks awfully phoney to me

that they'd be willing
to sell him,

there should be
some way of finding out.

Yes, but what?
And-And how?

I don't know.

Mary Lou, you know
that tray of instruments

I use for the rabbits?

It's next to the steriliser.
Get it, will ya?

What are you going to do?

I may have to operate,
and if I do,

this is one time in my life

I hope the patient dies
on the table.

- Mr...?
- Miller.

This is my husband, Dr McBain.

- Mr Miller.
- How do you do, Doctor?

We needn't have disturbed you.

We're just discussing
our little problem.

I've advised Miss Madden...

Mrs McBain
to return the child

if there seems to be no doubt
about the parentage.

Definitely established.
Definitely.

- And this would be Mrs, er...?
- Quig.

- Mrs Quig, how do you do?
- How do you do, Doctor?

I'd know you were
the baby's mother anywhere.

Same lovely features.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

I can see where
the baby got his eyes.

They're almost the same colour.

Although his
are a little more, er...

Well, what colour would you
say his eyes were?

Huh?

COREY: I said, what colour
would you say the baby's eyes were?

MRS QUIG: Er... Er...
Sort of, um...

Sort of a blue-green,
wouldn't you say?

Yeah, that's it.
Sort of blue-green, mostly.

That's not true.
The baby's eyes are brown.

- That's right.
- Hey, what is this?

I don't think a jury would have
much sympathy for a mother

who couldn't remember the colour
of her baby's eyes, do you?

Listen, a baby's eyes
changes all the time.

LIZA: That's ridiculous.
They've always been brown.

Oh, I knew they was brown,
I just said that.

He got me all mixed up.

MARY LOU:
Is this what you wanted, Doctor?

- Yes, thanks, Mary Lou.
- What's that?

An intravenous syringe
for taking blood specimens.

- Now, look here...
- Well, now, you don't mind, do you?

Of course,
there's no doubt,

but just for our own
personal satisfaction,

my wife and I would like
to be absolutely sure.

I see.

I'm sorry, Doc, but I'm afraid
that blood tests

aren't admissible in a court of law
to prove parentage.

Oh, that's quite true.
But they can disprove it.

Mrs Quig, would you mind
sitting over here, please?

Just roll up your right sleeve.

Darling, would you get me a little
alcohol on a piece of cotton?

I typed a sample of the baby's
blood a short time ago.

Now, by typing
Mr and Mrs Quig's blood,

we can easily verify
whether or not, er...

Hey, he's not gonna poke
that thing into me.

I can't allow that.
I've got a court order here.

It's very simple, Mrs Quig.
It doesn't hurt very much.

Just clench your fist.

That's right.

No!
Get that thing away from me.

I ain't gonna.

There was no stickin'
like this in our agreement!

All we was supposed to do
was to come here and tell...

An agreement, Mr Miller?

I've got a court order.
The court's upholding me in this.

Maybe the court would like
to know about your little agreement.

And also that Mrs Quig
refused a blood test.

Possibly because
she's not at all sure

that Mr Quig
is the baby's father.

Hey, what kind of
a crack is that?

He's damagin' my reputation.

What as? An extortionist?

Hey, I got a good mind
to sock you.

I got a good mind
to sock you, too!

You got us into this, slug!

Dr McBain, I came here
in good faith,

at the urging of these people.

The only agreement was that
I assist in a just cause.

Now, I find
that they're lying.

I-I withdraw
from the whole matter.

JOE:
Oh, no, ya don't!

You arranged it all.
You found out we had a kid

and used to live in that house.

- And you got us to hide our baby...
- MILLER: He's lying, Doctor,

and I'm willing to go into court
and prove that he's trying to...

Ah, who's lyin'?
Sock him, Joe!

Attaboy!

Hey, you leave
my Joe alone!

What do you mean,
giving me that stuff?

Cut it out!

Better stay out of the way
of any flying furniture.

MRS QUIG: You hear me?
You got a fine nerve.

- That's for luck.
- KEN: Take it easy!

MR QUIG: Oh, oh, oh, not fair!
That's not fair! Not fair!

MRS QUIG: Yes, I did it so don't blow
your... I'll kill you!

Mr Ken!
Up on Lenox Avenue, they sorta...

- (HEAVY THUD)
- That's right, Mr Ken! Just like that!

(CLATTERING)

KEN: Oh, it reminds me
of my old burlesque days.

MRS QUIG:
Yeah? Is that so?

I'll get even with you,
if it's the last thing I ever...

Ow! Kickin' a lady, eh?

Hurt your foot?

Say, she's not as soft
as she looks.

What...? Who was that lady
I just passed in midair?

KEN:
That was no lady.

- Strange images.
- Aha.

Er... Did I miss something?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was supposed to hold him,
no matter what happened.

Oh, it's all right, Myrtle.

How do you like that, Butch?

Not bad for a couple of
amateurs, huh? (CHUCKLING)

- Thank you.
- (BABY COOING)

Hey, Butch, I think this calls
for some kind of a celebration.

Don't you? You do?

Look, er... Would you mind
asking your mother

if anybody's picking her up

after the theatre tonight
for supper?

Say, "No, nobody important."

Well, would you ask her if
eleven-fifteen would be all right?

You know, I never had a date
with an actress before.

Tell him
to make it eleven-thirty.

And tell him
he might also shave.

Oh!
(CHUCKLING)

(BABY COOING)

Okay, Butch.

- (BABY CHUCKLING)
- (LIZA LAUGHING)

(BAND PLAYING "I FIND LOVE")

Now, the finale
is just going on.

You stand right over there
and you can see it.

Okay.

(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ Strange thing, you linger
in this heart of mine

♪ Strange thing, you're something
that I can't define

♪ What is this lilting song
my heart would sing?

♪ Is it a passing thing?

♪ Is it a touch of spring? ♪

CHORUS:
♪ That, only love will tell ♪

LIZA:
♪ Strange thing

♪ I know you,
you're my heart's desire

♪ Love's lonely longing
of a heart afire

♪ Read, then, my future
in the stars above ♪

CHORUS:
♪ The stars up above ♪

♪ Read and foretell ♪

♪ All shall be well ♪

CHORUS:
♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ And I find... ♪

BOTH:
♪ Love ♪

CHORUS:
♪ All shall be well today

♪ Timeless, eternal

♪ Strange thing called love ♪

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

MAN:
Okay, strike it!

(CHATTERING)

Oh, Miss Madden?
Miss Madden?

- Hello.
- Well, that was wonderful.

You'd better call me Liza
in public.

- Theatre people are very informal.
- Oh.

Come on,
I'm a quick-change artist.

I'll only be a minute.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

- Darling!
- Oh, Victor.

VICTOR: You see that stricken
expression on my face tonight

- during the park scene?
- I certainly did.

- You nearly broke me up.
- I almost broke myself up.

Oh, this is Dr McBain,
my husband.

This is Victor,
our leading man.

Your leading man, darling.

How do you do?

Er... How do you do?

You were the one in the tights,
weren't you?

Where shall it be tonight,
darling?

You know what I feel like?

One of Reuben's
incredible sandwiches.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
I can't tonight.

- You don't mind, do you?
- Of course I do. Why?

I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were planning on a...

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Vicky can take me out any night,
can't you, dear?

Why, of course.

It's not every night
you get a husband hopped up

to go out
and make the rounds.

Have a swell time.

Try the Gardenia Room.

At the Island Club.

Soft lights and, er...
superb for holding hands.

Good night.

(BAND PLAYING LIGHT MUSIC)

We'll have
a bottle of champagne.

A big bottle, the best.

What vintage, sir?

Oh, er...

I don't know,
you pick it out.

Just so it's very good.

Very good, sir.

And, er...

big.

Big?
Oh, yes, yes, sir.

- We're celebrating.
- Why?

Being out with you
for the first time and, er...

I sent my first report
to the Guggenheim Foundation

- a couple of weeks ago.
- And?

Well, I, er...

I got this letter back
from them two days ago.

LIZA:
That's wonderful.

- Five thousand dollars.
- COREY: Yeah.

I paid Buddy everything
it's cost you so far.

And the rent
for the rest of the year.

That means
we're on our own,

the, er...

the rabbits and I.

Say, I don't like that Victor.
You in love with him?

Oh, no, of course not.

He kissed you.

Mmm, of course.

He kisses everybody.

He's an actor.

(CHUCKLING)

I guess I'm in
the wrong profession.

I don't think so.

You know, this is fun.

Why don't we do this
more often?

Yeah, why don't we?

WAITER:
A Pol Roger '29.

This is the biggest
we have, sir.

Oh! (CHUCKLING)
That's big enough.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(FUMBLING KEY IN LOCK)

Well, this is it.

LIZA:
Are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure. Isn't it?

- Uh-huh.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Well, all good things
must come to an end sometime.

As somebody must've said
before me.

Dr McBain,
you need some milk.

Oh!

I don't like milk.

- You don't like milk?
- No.

But you described it for me.

I what?

(CHUCKLING) Oh.
You prescribed it for me.

- Oh, I did?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I've never been wrong.

Milk it is.

- Unless there's some beer.
- Let's go and look, huh?

Oh, your hat fell off.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(COREY WHISTLING)

No beer.

- No beer?
- Mmm. No beer.

All right. Milk.

But I don't like it.

This was a most entertaining
evening, Dr McBain.

I found out so many things
about you.

- You did?
- Mm-hmm.

Things I never
would have suspected.

Well...

A, you know how to laugh.

B, you're a wonderful dancer.

Thank you.

You don't hum the music off-key
in your partner's ear,

you don't hike up
her dress in the back.

You know,
if I'm that good,

I don't know why you don't get
rid of that Victor and hire me.

I could do all that stuff,
you know.

Oh, you can't sing.

Huh!

♪ Strange things... ♪

It's a strange thing.
One thing.

Oh, one thing?

BOTH:
♪ Strange thing

♪ Ta-da-da-da da-da ♪

♪ Strange thing

♪ Da da da da da da da-da

♪ Da da da-da da da da

♪ Stars above

♪ Read and foretell ♪

isn't that the wrong key?
That's pretty high.

Maybe if I did it in full voice.

♪ Read and foretell ♪

Ssh.

What's the matter?

- I think I heard the baby.
- Uh-oh.

One of Dr McBain's s-s-sternest,
sternest instructions to mothers

is-is-is never to disturb
the baby at night.

- Did I?
- Did I what?

Did I disturb the baby
at night?

- I don't know.
- Oh.

- ♪ Foretell ♪
- Ssh!

- Let's look.
- Hmm?

- Let's look.
- Hmm.

(WHISPERING)
Come, come.

- ♪ Foretell ♪
- Ssh!

- ♪ Read and fore... ♪
- Ssh!

Ssh.

- (THUDDING)
- Ssh.

(WHISPERING)
Liza.

This sounds
like one of those things

people are always saying
without meaning it, but...

I had a swell time.

Thanks for a grand evening.

I had a wonderful time, too.

Ssh.

COREY:
Well, good night.

Good night.

Liza?

Yes?

I've been thinking
about something else.

It's really none of my business,
but you know that guy, Victor?

Yes.

Well, in the last act
where he kisses you at the end,

do you really kiss him
or do you just sort of...?

Oh, we just fake it.

- Oh, you do, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

I'm glad to hear that.

You know, when a fella
takes a girl out,

and particularly
when he buys her champagne,

when he brings her home,
he's supposed to be allowed

to kiss her good night.
It's a...

It's an old custom.

It's practically mandatory.

Are you sure it's a custom?

Yeah, I'm sure.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

You'd better let Victor
keep his job.

LIZA:
Good morning, Mary Lou.

- Morning, Miss Liz.
- Oh, don't be cross

on such a lovely morning,
Mary Lou.

Say, what you doin' up
at such an hour?

I'm going to get the doctor's
breakfast myself this morning.

Miss Liz,
you got an awful happy,

contentment look
on your face.

Mary Lou,
get me a frying pan.

Stop being so inquisitive.

(RINGING)

(GROANING)

(RINGING)

Dr McBain.

- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- Oh.

(PROLONGED RINGING)

Who is it?

- It's Frances.
- Oh, Frances.

Shut the window, will you?

Frances?!

What are you doing here?

Why, I live in
the building, chump.

Imagine my surprise when
I discovered that my ex-husband

has just been awarded
five thousand dollars.

So I came
to congratulate you.

Well, you...
you could've dressed for it.

Oh, but, darling, you didn't
want me to put on a cap and gown

just because your rabbits
won a fellowship.

Go away!

Corey, why don't you get
a photographer

who doesn't make you look
like an unhealthy Idaho potato?

What's the matter with it?

You always used to like
that picture.

Frances, you go away!
You can't have any money.

But, darling, I didn't say
anything about money.

You don't have to.
You look money!

Every move you make
is venal.

Of course, five thousand dollars
is a lot of lettuce.

They couldn't eat that much,
could they?

Frances, look. I'm married.
Very happily married.

If you wanna
congratulate me,

why don't you go home
and send me a telegram?

Darling,
I just came to tell you

that I've been invited
down to South America.

Good!

And, of course,
five hundred dollars would help,

if you'd give it to me.

I wouldn't give you
an old rusty razorblade

to-to-to let down a hem with!

Oh, Corey,
you're still bad-tempered.

Frances, why don't you
go and chat

around somebody else's bed?
I'm going to take a shower.

(WATER RUNNING)

So you won't give me the
five hundred dollars, huh?

No!

- (DOOR SLAMMING)
- Ooh!

You could ask your wife for it.

No!

Well, could I use
your phone?

- (SHOWER RUNNING)
- No!

Good morning, Sergeant.

Isn't it a lovely morning?

Hello, operator?

I wanna put in
a long-distance call

to Buenos Aires.

Mm-hmm.

(CHUCKLING)

Corey?

Uh-oh, here we go.

(CLATTERING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Gee, Corey, I didn't mean
to get you into any...

Where's that key?

I don't know, Miss Madden.
I ain't never seen it.

Well, hello.
What are you doing up so early?

Send a carpenter up
right away.

- Close the show.
- What, again?

Give me the janitor,
then, somebody.

How soon can we start
the tour in Boston?

- Well, we've cancelled twice.
- Somebody with a hammer, then!

Ken, I've asked you,
how soon we can open in Boston.

I've just told you.
We've cancelled twice already.

And tell him to bring
some chicken wire!

- BUDDY: Liza!
- Yes, what is it? Tuesday?

Could be, with a miracle.

But you'll have to close
tonight.

- All right, close tonight.
- BUDDY: Liza?

- Yes, what is it?
- The baby's awfully irritable.

He seems to have
something wrong with his ear.

- I think he's sick.
- Well, call a doctor.

Buddy, come back here.

If you so much as let that
phoney rabbit-breeder next to us

stick his nose
into this apartment,

I'm going to break
every bone in your body!

- Wh...
- Go on, call a doctor.

Hurry, Ken,
put up closing orders.

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious!

Get the house doctor.
Brown or whatever his name is.

Well, what's our doctor done?

LIZA: Ken, get tickets for
the midnight train tomorrow.

Come on, you two!

Don't just stand there
like a couple of pigs

in a mud puddle!

Get out of that mud puddle.

Um... Hello,
is there a doctor in the house?

(CHUCKLING) I mean, er...
I want the house physician.

- Liza...
- Whoa, wait a minute.

- Oh, Buddy...
- Now, now, wait a minute.

Look, see, I don't know
what this is all about,

but it's the hottest marriage
of convenience that I've ever seen.

You know, I think you'd better
let it cool down a little, hmm?

Buddy, I have to talk to Liza.
She thinks...

No, no, she doesn't, not often.

No, she just reacts a lot
with her heart,

and right now,
she's reacting.

- Oh, Buddy, I gotta...
- No...

Look, look, look, you be a
good boy scout and go away.

See, look, Buddy's been
a long time around here.

She's been through everything
but the Battle of Bunker Hill.

Now, will you just
let me handle this for you?

You're kinda new
in this family.

Look, Buddy,
will you tell her

that she just happened
to be in my...

- I mean, on my bed. I...
- Oh.

- I thought she'd gone.
- Oh.

- I was really taking a shower.
- Uh-huh.

That sounds a little complicated,
but I'll try and get it across.

No, make her understand
because...

Look, will you please
beat it now? Scram.

See, I'm busy.

BUDDY: Dr Jones?
Come right this way, please.

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Yes.
I know it's short notice.

As a matter of fact,
it isn't any notice at all.

No, I don't know why

she suddenly wants to go
to Boston in such a hurry.

Maybe she's hungry
for beans!

All I know is that you've got
to get it there

and get it set up
by Tuesday night at eight-thirty.

If you have to take every piece
of scenery up there

by donkey cart and stick the
whole thing together

on the stage
with mayonnaise!

- MARY LOU: Mayonnaise?
- (DOORBELL RINGING)

I don't care if the Shuberts...

No.

Not a week from Tuesday.
Tuesday.

Saturday, Sunday, Monday,
Tuesday.

Okay.

- Oh!
- Mary Lou...

- No, Doctor, I can't let you go in there.
- Yeah, I know.

- What's that doctor doing here?
- She wouldn't have said it,

but she's so upset all of a sudden
with the baby sickly and all.

- Butch is sick?
- Yes, sir.

DR JONES: There's nothing
to worry about, Miss Madden.

I've seen thousands
of these little upsets.

Temperature one minute,
gone the next.

Liza, what's wrong with Butch?

You're the baby's father?
How do you do, sir?

Don't you worry one moment
about that bouncing boy.

He'll grow up to be president
one of these days.

I'm a Republican.

Dr McBain has a very peculiar
sense of humour, Dr Jones.

Oh, yes. Very funny.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)

Er...

Doctor McBain, did you say?

That's right.

- Not Dr Corey T McBain?
- Yes.

- Liza, will you stop acting...?
- Well, I'm very proud

to be called in
to attend the baby

of such a well-known colleague.

Just a slight temperature,
restlessness at night,

would indicate a little cold coming on.
Wouldn't you say, Doctor?

It wouldn't be ethical for me
to give an opinion, Doctor.

I told you he has a very odd
sense of humour, Dr Jones.

Well, there's nothing
to worry about.

I've seen thousands and thousands
of these little upsets.

- Thank you, Doctor. Good day.
- Good day.

He's seen thousands and th...

Liza, don't act like this.
Let me take a look at Butch.

If we need you,
we'll call you, Dr Casanova.

- Let me look at him!
- No, you get out of here.

If you want to look
at something, go back

and look at that simpering,
second-hand wife of yours!

- Liza, that isn't fair.
- No, you get out of here!

- I'm no criminal.
- This is not part

of our agreement, Dr McBain.

This is my apartment.
You live over there,

- and if you move back there, you...
- (DOOR SLAMMING)

Good! if you won't let me
examine him,

why don't you let me call in
a doctor that I know is good?

No!

Let that be a lesson to you.

Liza!

Liza!

(WHISPERING)
Myrtle?

(NORMAL VOICE)
Myrtle?

Liza?

Hello, this is Dr McBain.

Can you tell me
where Miss Madden is?

Oh.
No, I didn't know that.

Er...

What hotel in Boston?

All right, thanks.

Give me long distance,
will you, please?

(SOBBING)
No, sir. She ain't.

Doctor, I knowed
we shouldn't have come

the day before yesterday.

And now the baby, he's...

(CRYING)

Mary Lou, stop crying
and get closer to the phone.

I can't understand
what you're saying.

What time?

Had Miss Madden left
for the theatre then?

Do you know
what's the matter?

Well, Mary Lou, what hospital?

Mary Lou, stop crying
and tell me what hospital.

Yes, as soon as I can.

Hello.

Hello, get me
the airport, please.

I'll take it
in the other apartment.

If you drink this, Liza,
you'll feel better.

Why does it take so long?

Why can't I see him?

They're taking
blood tests, Liza.

What for?

What is it, Doctor?

It's the mastoid,
Miss Madden.

It's serious, isn't it?

Not necessarily.

But it's a good thing
it didn't go any longer.

We've double-checked
the blood count and the X-rays.

The infection is acute.

We should operate immediately.

No.
No, you can't operate.

KEN:
Liza.

This is a little out
of my line, but...

I have a feeling these guys
know what they're talking about.

It's not a difficult operation
these days, Miss Madden.

In this case, the greater risk
is not operating.

No.

No, I won't let you operate.

Ken, tell him I won't let them.

Not here.

Let's take him to New York.

- Maybe...
- A delay might mean

something much more serious.

You must decide now.

I can't decide.

If something happened...

He's so helpless...

and so little.

If I'd only let...

Buddy.

Doctor, I want to talk
to my husband in New York.

Where can I telephone?

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

Didn't Dr McBain know
the child was running

such a high temperature?

I'm sure he'd want us to...

go ahead if...

Please keep trying Dr McBain.

Miss Pierce, Mr Corbett.
Thank you.

Dr McBain,
Flight 24, runway 16!

(SIREN WAILING)

- Dr McBain?
- COREY: Yeah.

Hurry, we're holding
the plane for you.

Here you are. Buy yourself
a drink. Thanks, pal!

- Dr McBain?
- Yes.

Will you take
seat number five, please?

Thank you.

I'm Dr McBain.
What room is...?

- Mr McBain.
- Hello, Golding.

We've been trying to reach you.
You're on the third.

All right.

LIZA:
Corey!

Oh, Corey.
I've been such a fool.

(SOBBING)
Oh, Corey!

They want to operate on Butch.

You won't let them, will you?

No, no, of course not.
Not unless you say so.

Now, what do you say
we take a look at this

and see what's what, huh?

He doesn't wake up at all.

An eighth?

- About an hour ago.
- Right.

They've given him something
to relax him a little

and help him sleep.

You won't let them operate,
will you?

Right mastoid,
swollen and tender.

What's the white count?

Rechecked just before
you got here.

I administered
sulfanilamide, but, er...

No affirmative result, huh?

How extensive is the area?

Rather large,
but still localised.

I'll show you on the X-ray.

- What's the pulse?
- Very rapid, Doctor.

Corey. Corey, look at me.

I don't know
what all this means.

You must tell me.
I can't stand it.

We're not hiding anything
from you.

I just had to know
all these things in a hurry.

I just thought it was a cold.

(SOBBING)

That's how it all started.

It's much worse than a cold.

Butch is very sick.

We can help him,
but we have to operate.

No. Corey, no.

No.

No.

We've got to.

(SOBBING)

Nurse, would you tell Dr Golding
we're ready as soon as he is?

And ask him
if he'd like me to assist.

Oh, no, Corey.
I thought you're the one...

- Golding's one of the best in the world.
- Oh, no, Corey. You must do it.

Liza, can't you understand?
I couldn't do it.

Butch is my kid. Our kid.

L-I-I'd be scared to death.

Every second I held the knife
in my hand, I'd be thinking if...

if something goes wrong,

the look in your eyes would
stay with me all the rest of my life.

Oh, Corey,
I know you're scared,

and I know that Golding
is a good doctor.

But I couldn't stand
all these awful minutes

while he's in there,

without knowing
that you are going to do it.

You're his father.
(SOBBING)

And if something goes wrong,

don't worry
about how I'd look at you.

I'd know that not Golding
and nobody in the world

could've done more
than you did for him.

And I'd love you even then.

Even then?

(LIZA CONTINUES SOBBING)

- Okay, Mama.
- Okay, Pa.

DOCTOR:
We're ready, Doctor.

Corey

No change yet.

It's too early to tell.

But it has been so long, Corey.

I know.

When?

We may be able to tell more
in a few hours.

Liza?

It's after eight.

Yes?

It's time to go
to the theatre.

I'm not going.

I'm not going!

But, Liza, you must.

Why must I?

Do you think I can go
down there without knowing?

(LIZA SOBBING)

Darling.

You made me do my job
this morning.

Now I'm going to make you
do yours.

There's nothing
you can do here.

I'll take care of Butch.

If there's any change,
I'll let you know.

No.

I think it's better if you go.

Corey.

Liza,
I want you to go, dear.

You'll let me know,
will you?

Yes. I'll let you know.

(LIZA CONTINUES SOBBING)

(BAND PLAYING "I FIND LOVE")

♪ Strange thing

♪ You linger in this heart of mine

♪ Strange thing

♪ You're something that I can't define

♪ What means this lilting song

♪ My heart would sing?

♪ Is it a passing thing?

♪ Is it a touch of spring? ♪

Steady now.
Everything will be all right.

CHORUS:
♪ That, only love will tell ♪

♪ Strange thing

♪ I know you, you're my heart's desire

♪ Love's lonely longing

♪ Of a heart afire

♪ Read, then, my future

♪ In the stars abo...

CHORUS:
♪ The stars up above

VICTOR:
♪ Read and foretell ♪

♪ All shall be ♪

CHORUS:
♪ All shall be ♪

(MOUTHING)

(CONDUCTOR TAPPING BATON)

♪ All shall be well ♪

CHORUS:
♪ All shall be well ♪

♪ And I find love ♪

CHORUS:
♪ All shall be well today

♪ Well today

♪ Timeless, eternal

♪ Strange thing called love ♪

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- LIZA: Oh, Corey!

(LIZA SOBBING)

(BAND CONTINUES PLAYING)

He's all right, darling.
He smiled at me.

- (BAND CONTINUES PLAYING)
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

SUBTITLES BY POWERHOUSE FILMS LTD