All language subtitles for English.Teacher.S01E07.WEB (SDH)

["Just What I Needed" playing]

-♪ I don't mind you
Comin' here ♪
-[grunting]

♪ Wastin' all my time ♪

Here. Why? Why?

-God! Fucking buttons.
-♪ I don't mind you
Hangin' out ♪

♪ And talkin' in your sleep ♪

♪ I guess
You're just what I needed ♪

[Evan] Siri, text Malcolm.

Hey, Malcolm, comma.

I'm at this fun
teachers' conference thing
in Dallas, comma.

You should come, period.

I have a hotel room
with a view of, like,
the parking lot. LOL, period.

Obviously, we can have sex
and stuff too, period.

[song ends]

Hi.

-Yo.
-[Rick] Hey.

[Evan] Dallas Teachers
and Learning Conference.

-[Markie] Coming in.
-[Gwendolyn] Hey. Hi.

-The most fun
weekend of the year.
-[Markie] Coming in.

-Free hotel,
free continental breakfast.
-Oh.

Everybody saying
teachers are the real heroes.

You wanna meet a real hero,
get rescued by the SWAT team.

How would I get in a situation
to get rescued by the SWAT team?

-I have to drive
my car off a bridge?
-Right.

What does the SWAT team do?
They kill people?

Oh, there he is.
You excited for
your speech tomorrow?

[Grant] Yeah. I'm ready,
I'm ready, I'm ready.

-Grant speech!
-[Gwendolyn] So good.
His big speech.

It is so bad. He has
jokes in there that are
so not funny. Look at this.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger voice,
'I'll teach math.'" Oh, my God.

[Gwendolyn] And he says,
"Hold for ha ha ha."

We gotta do some punch ups.

Hello, everyone.
It's been a very hard start
to the year in fiscal terms.

And I'll be blunt, when it comes
to the teachers pension fund,

we're approaching
what I would generously call
worst-case scenario.

-Damn, girl.
-Thank God I don't have to worry
about that pension shit.

I got my money
doing other things,
if you know what I mean.

You know,
you still have a pension.
It happens automatically.

Shut up, dude.

[speaker 2] Post-COVID,
20% to 25% of students are,
in a sense, hopeless.

-[Evan scoffs, groans]
-So, yes,

we are starting
to encourage teachers
to get a second full-time job.

A second full-time job?

Teachers can now be sued
by their students.

-And here's why that's bad.
-Damn.

Students are striking teachers
either with their fists
or blunt objects 30%...

Is it all bad news this year?

[Rick] There's
a fucking viral video of one
of these kids beating my ass.

This is so depressing.

I feel like teaching
is just over.

Did we choose
a dying profession?

No, I think
a dying profession chose us.

[Rick] Hey, yo,
you guys gotta meet Mitch.

Get this. He might be
our new coworker soon.

-He likes football.
-[Evan] Exciting.

-Cool. Nice to meet you.
That's so exciting.
-Mitch. Mitch. Good to meet you.

What did you interview for?

For new PE teacher
and athletic director.

The new PE teacher?

Yeah, I met with,
um, Grant Mariachi?

-Principal Moretti.
-Grant Moretti.

Grant Moretti, yeah.
It went really well.

Wait. But did you
interview to be

an additional PE teacher
or to replace the one
that's there?

Replacement, replacement.

[Markie] Arms up.
Right in the middle, right?

Now you got the ball, right?
Secure it.

-Whoa. Here.
-Take our spots in line.

Oh, sick.
Told you these guys rock.

-Beer or tequila? Yes!
-Both.

-[Gwendolyn] It's insane.
-[Evan] So sad.

Really hope
this is not the case.

-Grant.
-Oh, fuck.

[knocking]

Yes?

-[Evan] Hey.
-Are you firing Markie?

That's complex.

-Wait, you're already in a robe?
-Yes, yes.

When I check into a hotel,
I get into my robe immediately.
One of life's little pleasures.

Plus, I got the room upgrade.
So, there's a steam shower
in there.

-Thank you.
-Wait. Are you
firing Markie or not?

[sighs]

There are certain things
that my job requires me to do

-that I might not
necessarily want to do.
-You're firing Markie.

-Oh, my God. Holy shit.
-[Grant] Oh, God.

Gwendolyn, Evan,
let's not make this

any more complicated
than it already is, all right?

The end. Now, can you
leave me alone, please?

Wait. We had a couple thoughts
about your speech.

Oh. All right.
What are those thoughts?

Some of the jokes are bad or--

No, no, no, no,
I'm not doing this right now.
No, thanks.

-But if we just help you--
-I'm having robe time.

We'll talk about this
at dinner. Goodbye.

What do you think happens
during robe time?

Probably watches Extra
with Mario Lopez.

Grant was acting so weird.

I know. He's acting like
he's hiding a hooker.

-Evan? Holy shit.
-Oh, my God. Pasha.

-Dude, how are you?
-Talk about
a blast from the past.

This is Pasha. This is one
of my best friends from college.

-Hi. What's up?
-Nice to meet you.

-You're here
with what? Sourcely?
-Yeah, we...

we bang off, like,
ten of these things a year.

-Whoa.
-What does, uh, Sourcely do?

There's, like, a giant market
for unused grid power.

And so what we do is
corporate-side energy arbitrage.

-Mmm. Yeah, yeah.
-So, we work with like,

municipalities,
commercial real estate,
even some residential.

-Oh, yeah, for sure.
-Yeah.

Five to seven years
someone's going to come out
on top of this sector.

-Might as well be us.
-Exactly.

-[Gwendolyn] Exactly. Yeah.
-Yeah. [clears throat]

Wait, wait. Is this wifey?

[laughs] No, I'm still gay.
This is Gwen, my best friend.

-You haven't converted him yet.
-Best friend.

[laughs] I'm trying.
I'm trying to get him
in the sack.

-Uh, I love that.
-Yeah. We work together.

-We're, um... We're teachers.
-Oh, nice.

-[Gwendolyn] We're teachers.
-Teachers?

-I gotta say, you guys
are the real heroes.
-Thank you.

-Hey, listen, I gotta peace out,
but let's link tonight.
-Yeah, let's hang out.

-You want some swag bags?
-[Gwendolyn] Hell yeah.

-[Evan] Really?
-Yeah.

-I love swag bags.
We don't get swag bags.
-Oh, my God.

All right, cool.
Listen, I'll message you,
and we'll hang tonight.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's let it rip.

Wow.

I can't picture
you guys being friends.
He's so business-y.

He does this thing
when he's drunk. He just
shows you his dick. It's like...

Oh, you love that.

If you decrease

the amount of education
being administered,

you'll also be
decreasing burnout.

And isn't that, after all,
what we're all trying to do?

How often do you go up to Grant

and, like, tell him that
you appreciate him as a boss?

-Why?
-Good vibes,
job security, whatever.

Grant would never have the balls
to fire me. Dude's a coward.

You remember the chem teacher,
Ms. Davidson?

She missed, like,
three months last year.

-Kept her job.
-She was on maternity leave.

[Rick]
Have you guys seen her baby?
It's so tall. Freaks me out.

I had to block her on Instagram.
It looks like Slender Man.

[speaker 3] Now I'll take
any questions you may have
about student burnout.

What is going on? These seminars
are bumming me out, man.

Mmm. This chicken piccata
is flames. Foof!

I have to order another.
Hey, papi.

You're gonna get another one?
You shouldn't even eat that one.
It looks undercooked.

I asked for it that way.
Chicken's like salmon.

You want the pink part
to be room temp, hon.

Okay, hon.

Grant, these jokes.

"Teachers lounge.
Yeah, they sure do." What?

[Gwendolyn] It's in there,
like, four times.

It's called a callback.

Call back that joke.

Evan, Gwendolyn,
I know my audience.
I know what I'm doing.

If you don't wanna
rework the jokes,
maybe we can cut them.

It doesn't have to be
like a comedy speech.

No, he doesn't have to lose
the jokes if he's willing
to lose the entire speech.

-It's like a page one
rewrite at best.
-Markie.

I mean, he means, like, yeah,
there's still time to polish it.

He's saying it can be good.
It has potential to be good.

Yeah, polish this part
about how you love
driving through car washes.

-Mm-hmm.
-What does that have to do
with being a principal?

-I get to it at the end.
Just read on, read on.
-This reads like you can't read.

Like you assigned
a bunch of kids in detention
to write it for you.

Wait.

My cousin created
his own version of ChatGPT

to write
a more fucked-up version
of Breaking Bad dude.

You can use that
for your speech.

That's it.
I'm... I'm done eating.
Thank you very much. [groans]

-Thank you very much.
-[Evan] Grant.

I mean, what's he gonna do?
Fire me? [chuckles]

[sighs]

Oh, my God.

[sighs]

-Hey, queen. What's up?
-[shouts] Oh, my God.

-Whoa, Malcolm.
I forgot I invited you.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Okay, thank you.

Sorry. I'm, like, exhausted.

We had this crazy day
where we were, like,
we were at all these seminars.

And, like,
every seminar is, like,

"This is why teaching
is worse than it's ever been.

And here's how to deal with
your students hitting you."

And it was like, oh, my God.

-Oh, no.
-What?

I came here to fuck
and order room service.
I drove, like, three hours.

And now you're talking about,
"Am I living the life
I'm supposed to live?" Like...

[whining]

No, but I'm serious.
Like, just talk to me
for a second, okay?

Do you really think
I should be a teacher?

Like, is it worth it?

Am I like that guy
pushing the boulder up the hill?

-What's his name?
-Robert?

Question eight.

Name the five types of proteins
available on the Chipotle menu.

-Okay, lamb.
-Immediately no.

What was the question
to number three?

We wrote James Madison
and then crossed it out and put
Run-D.M.C. That can't be right.

[Markie] You should come down
to the batting cages, man.

I know the guy there.
He'll let me unplug
the machine. I can just...

And then I would just...
[mimics bat hitting ball]

[Markie laughs]
Socking dingers all day!

This is so crazy. He's, like,
talking to his replacement
and he doesn't even know.

Oh, my God. We have to do
something about it.

He's gonna figure this out
later and be like,
"You guys didn't tell me."

-I don't wanna be
the one to tell him.
-Me neither.

I feel like that's
kind of a job for Grant,
if we're gonna be honest.

-He's the principal.
-He's the principal.

Okay, good. It was good
working through that with you.

[Polly] Next question.
What is a duel...

-[Gwendolyn] Who you texting?
-That guy Pasha.

Pasha? Who's that?

You know that company
Sourcely he works for?

-[Gwendolyn, Rick] Yeah.
-They're doing some huge party.

Look, light-up dance floor.

-Oh, my God.
-I'm gonna sneak out and go.
You guys stay here.

Yeah, we'll come with you.
Let's go to a party.

-Yeah. I would love to.
-This trivia is impossible.

Your mom still in the picture?

We don't talk much,
you know, but--

Markie, we're going to a party.
Come with us.

Hoes before bros.

-[both laugh]
-[Mitch] I love you.

[Markie] I'm glad we met.
I'ma text you.

All right. Later, losers.

We're going to party
with rich people. Ha!

["The Touch of Love" playing]

♪ We got the touch of love ♪

[Pasha laughs]
Ring a ding-ding. There he is.
The king has arrived.

[both laugh]

All right. Hey, Dan,
Eileen, come over here.
Meet my boy Evan.

-[Eileen] Hi.
-What's up, man? Dan.

Yeah, this guy was such a legend
back in college.

Let me tell you,
when Spring Fling got canceled,

he single-handedly found
this sick-ass warehouse

and convinced Passion Pit
to perform for free.

-Passion Pit?
-Yeah, that was crazy.

I can't believe
they slept on my nasty couch.

-[Dan, Eileen laugh]
-Damn. That couch sounds nasty.

Yuck.

This is Rick, guys.
Sorry, we work together.

-[Eileen] Hey.
-Hey. Dan.

I just wanna say
I indubitably love

what you guys are doing
in terms of solar
and those such things.

-[chuckles] Wow, bro.
-[Dan] Thank you. Great.

-Well,
indu-indubitably thank you.
-[all laugh]

Yeah, but what you guys do,
honestly, like,
teaching and shit?

-I mean, that is so noble.
-[Dan] So freaking noble.

[Pasha] You know, we need
badass educators like you

to teach the next gen
to think critically

-'cause there's
so much disinfo out there.
-Preach.

Oh, thanks. Yeah. Mostly I feel
like my job is telling kids
to put their phones away.

[laughing]

Whereas, I am in more...
That school stuff
is a side hustle.

I'm more of a successful
business consultant.

-Oh.
-You wanna go grab a drink?

Oh, yeah. Let's do it.
I'm empty.

Tell me a little more
about this, uh, business card.

"Businessman extraordinaire,
CEO." You put "bitch" on there.

Yeah, we keep it weird
in Austin. [chuckles]

Do you guys ever go to the mall?

I got four dogs.
Four dog walkers.

-Wow.
-Plus, my boss lets me
work at home a ton.

My new home office is sick.

You bought a house?

Yeah, I bought it last fall.

-In cash. [laughs]
-[sighs]

The dream, man.

I haven't even been able
to think about buying
a house, honestly.

Can barely get enough money
scraped up to even put
anything in my savings.

Everybody's
always judging capitalism.

And it's, like, well,
what are you gonna do? Die poor?

No, it's disgusting.

You know, we need
good people at Sourcely.

[chuckles]
That's so nice. Thanks.

No, I don't... I mean,
I wouldn't know anything about
solar municipal arbi...

-What is it? Arbitration?
-[chuckles] Arbitrage.

Yeah. Who cares? All you
have to do is know about people,
and you know people.

You just say the word,
and we can start having
this conversation for real.

[Rick] We need to get one
of these tubs at the school.

We can't afford pencils, Rick.
We're not gonna get a hot tub.

"Uh, can't afford pencils."

[chuckles]

What's up with you? You good?

I don't know. [laughs]

You guys ever think about
what your life would be like

if you did something
completely different for work?

-Dude, yes.
-Oh, go to one fancy party

and all of a sudden
you're questioning
your whole life, huh?

[chuckles]
It's all fool's gold, boys.

Fool's gold is still gold.

[Gwendolyn] What would you do
if you suddenly had, like,
a ton of free time?

[panting] Like so much.

Probably get back into
fighting shape.

-That's cool.
-[Markie] Yeah.

-Why?
-[Gwendolyn] No reason.

Will you come over here?
I feel like I'm shouting at you.

I'm in. No, I'm in.
This is... I'm fine.

What? Are you afraid?
You can't swim?

[chuckles] Who told you that?

What?

I can't swim.

Oh, wait. No, I was kidding.
Are you serious?

It's not something
I'm proud of, okay?

Wait, but you coach
the swim team.

I know. It's, like,
it's a different skill set
entirely, all right?

You don't see Belichick
out there

running routes
and wearing pads and whatnot.

Look... It would mean
a lot if you just
kept this between us.

-Yeah, of course.
-Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Maybe I can teach you

once Nick finishes building
the pool at our house.

-I would love that.
-Do you think it's normal

for, like, an unemployed man
to be spending all of his time
digging a pool by hand?

What does normal
even mean these days?

I don't think
it's normal at all.

Sorry. I've never said that
out loud. So just don't...

-No, no. Hey.
-...tell anybody
that I said that.

You could tell me
pretty much anything
at this point. I'm a vault.

All I'm saying is
there's a reason you guys
ended up in this profession.

The only reason I'm
a guidance counselor is because
when I was in high school,

my guidance counselor
asked what I wanted to do
for a living.

I couldn't think of anything,
so I just said
guidance counselor.

-[Evan] Hmm.
-[Rick] Then I had to go
get my damn master's.

It was four years of my life.

I don't want to make it seem
like I don't love teaching.

Like, I love teaching so much.

It's the meaning of my life.

I just feel like it's
getting harder, isn't it?

Of course it is.

These kids,
they're... they're...

I don't know.
COVID did something, man.

Got everybody dead.

I can't get classes in line.

-Kids are making up diseases.
-They're hooking up everywhere.

Do you think it'll be
any easier when you
are doing anything else?

You'll always be meeting
with hurdles.

People you don't like
working with.

Remember what's important.

The love of what you do,

the people that surround you,
the people that support you.

Good people make good teachers.

And, Evan, you are good people.

Good people are good teachers.

That's your speech.
That's what you should say.

I'm done with your advice.

I'm sticking with
the original speech
as written, and that's final.

-[alarm rings]
-All right, y'all,
that's 30 minutes.

We gotta get out now
or we'll die. Come on.

-Wakey, wakey.
-Oh, my God.

-Wake up.
-Malcolm, oh, my God.

It's a beautiful day here
in Dallas, Texas.

-We have a clear sky today.
-Oh, my God.

-Come on.
-It's so early.

I have a good itinerary
for us today.

We're gonna go to Dealey Plaza
and see where JFK
got his shit rocked.

I can't go to Dealey Plaza,
Malcolm.

I'm gonna have to, like,
do conference stuff.

-I'm at a teachers' conference.
-Ew. Why?

What are you talking about?
I'm not on vacation.

This is like a work event.

Then why am I here?

Girl, I don't know.
Why are you here?

Are you kidding?
Are you actually kidding?

I did not mean it like that.
I just mean, like--

Don't make me feel stupid.
You invited me. Remember?

I feel like
we've had this conversation,
like, 50 times before.

You can't just,
like, do everything
your way all the time.

-You have to consider me.
-Yes, but, Malcolm,

that is something
that boyfriends
say to each other,

and need I remind you
that we are not boyfriends.

There is a variety
of reasons for that.

But remember that
there have been many times
when I wanted to get back

into this relationship
when you did not want to get
back into this relationship.

Okay, yeah. Like one time
in random-ass 2022
I rejected you.

So you get to be
an asshole to me forever.
That's how it works? Okay.

Who the fuck is the one that
drove here to Dallas for you?
I did that.

You know what? This conversation
is over because we are
just gonna be friends now.

We're gonna be friends
who do not fuck.

Because I am tired of
these confusing

lovey-dovey, boyfy-boyfy vibes.

"Boyfy-boyfy"... Ew. Ew.

Whatever. You're right.
You're right.

But don't expect me to drive you
to urgent care at 3:00 a.m.

because you think you have
full body cancer.

I won't because
we're just friends.

Perfect.

I love that.

[Gwendolyn]
Evan, are you tipping the maid?

-Oh, hey, Malcolm.
-Hey, Gwen.

Why does it feel weird in here?
You guys mad at me?

-[Pasha] Ev.
-Yo!

What's up my brother
from another mother?

[Evan] How's it going?

We missed you last night, man.

[sighs] The after-party
was insane.

We ended up
at this total dive bar
that's, like, brand-new.

Hell yeah. Yeah.
This brunch is so nice, man.

Right? Everything is
top-notch here. That's not
prosecco, that's champagne.

-[laughs]
Seafood towers, all organic.
-Wow.

Actually, most of that seafood's
out of the Indian Ocean.

-So decadent.
-Yeah.

Come on, Evan. I mean,
you're here. You showed up.

What is this? Be real. Come on.

You wanna work at Sourcely.

I'm... I'm open to it.
[chuckles]

-You open? Fuck yes. [laughs]
-I'm not... I'm not committing.

-Okay. Well, Evan,
I am so pumped.
-I'm just saying I'm open to it.

Your whole life is gonna change.
This is gonna be great.

-[Rick] I tried opening
a loan with my bank--
-Oh, Rick is here.

My Discover card used to have
a picture of a wolf,

but now it has
a picture of two horses.

-[Rick, Eileen laugh]
-[Pasha] Yeah.

[chuckles]
Dan, uh, invited him over
to pitch a couple of his...

[clears throat]
..."business ideas."

[laughs] Yeah, it's cool
that you're nice to him.

Obviously, he's got
a couple of screws loose.
[laughs]

-You guys are making fun of him?
-No, I'm just--

You brought my friend here
to make fun of him?

Well... [scoffs] No. I...

-Are you fucking kidding me?
-Evan, come on.

So it's basically like DoorDash,
except you're hiring someone

to hang out with your weird
and lonely grandma.

Oh, yeah. Our investment team
is gonna love that. [laughs]

-Sorry. What is this?
-Rick's pitching us...

What's it called again?

Granny Grabber.

[chuckles]
Why is it called that?

Because you're grabbing
your granny's heart.

[laughing]

What's funny?

You guys know Rick has
a real fucking job.

He's a college counselor.
He helps kids get into college.

What do you guys do here again
at "Sourcely"?

Evan, I already told you, man.
Energy arbitrage.

That's not a real thing.

Nobody's ever heard of
energy arbitrage.

That's the most conceptual thing
I've ever heard of.
That's not a real job.

-We're leaving, Rick. Come on.
-What are you doing to me?

Come on. And you act gay
when you're drunk!

[Rick] Hey!
I'm not done pitching.

Wait. I never actually
got to try one of these shrimps,

-so I'm gonna
just take them all.
-[Pasha] Hey, hey, Evan.

Hey, come on,
we shipped those clams in.

Rick, I want you to know you're
cooler than all those people.

[Rick] Yeah. No shit.

That's
the most obvious shit ever.

[speaker]
Let's give a warm welcome

to one of our keynote speakers.

From Morrison-Hensley,
Principal Grant Moretti.

-Whoo!
-[applauding]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hi. Oh, my God. You're in time.

Seafood tower?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

I recall a story having met

a very young teacher
from Austria named Arnold.

And I asked him,
"What would you want to teach?"

After long, long consideration,

Arnold finally raises his hand
and answers,

[Schwarzenegger voice]
"I'll teach math."

[audience laughing]

[clapping]

Now you may not
realize this about me,

but I love to drive
through the car wash.

[audience chuckling]

I mean, there's nothing
like the freedom

of ten minutes alone
in the tunnel of suds.

[laughing]

-You guys, he's, like...
He's killing.
-I know. He knows his audience.

I knew he would do fine.

Some of the most fulfilling
and the greatest relationships
I have

are with the teachers
who I consider my friends.

Good people make good teachers,
and let's never forget that.

-You should say something.
-You tell him.

Y'all ever see these videos

of kids trying lemons
for the first time?

-Hey, Markie.
-Hmm?

We wanted to talk to you
about this concerning thing
we heard

about your employment at school.

You heard rumors that

I'm thinking about
leaving Morrison?

-Something like that.
-In a sense, yeah.

Well, sounds to me like
my strategy is working. [sighs]

Your strategy?

-I never
told you guys about this?
-[Evan] No.

Every year, I pretend to quit.

Walk in Grant's office, tell him
I got a new job offer...
[chuckles] ...but I don't,

and it just makes him
appreciate me more.

What? That's the craziest
fucking thing I've ever heard.

The thing is the poor guy
doesn't even realize
how much he's being manipulated.

I gotta hit the road, y'all.
I'm gonna stop
and visit my nana.

Oh! Sweetie.

Yeah, she owes me, like,
400 bucks. Later, y'all.

Look, if we leave
within the next ten minutes,

we'll beat the heck
out of traffic.

-[Evan] Grant,
how much did you pack?
-Just everything I need.

Hey, Grant.
Don't replace Markie, okay?

Because he doesn't have
a job offer.
He's messing with you.

-He's literally lying about it.
-Well, I know that.

-[Evan] You do?
-Of course I do.

Every year he pretends to quit.

So every year, I pretend to look
for his replacement.

-It's this little dance we do.
-That is so toxic.

-We were worried sick
all weekend.
-[Gwendolyn] I mean, it was...

[Evan] Rick, why are you wearing
all that Sourcely gear?

Those people
were making fun of you.

Dude. No, that's just how
we joke around, buddy.

I'm pretty sure
they were making fun of you.

Oh, my God, you look like Neo.

I'll see you guys.

Yo, Mitch! What's up, player?

Rick, not too far.
We're leaving right now.

[Gwendolyn]
You know, that Pasha guy
sent me a picture of his ass.

[Evan] Let me see.

♪ I guess
You're just what I needed ♪

♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪ I needed someone to feed ♪

♪ I guess
You're just what I needed ♪

♪ Just what I needed ♪

♪ I needed someone to bleed ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ So bleed me ♪

♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪ You're just what I needed ♪

♪ Hey, you're just
What I needed ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪