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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:01,790 Here's to love! 2 00:00:01,815 --> 00:00:04,112 Congratulations, you assholes! 3 00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:06,021 Did you always want to join the priesthood? 4 00:00:06,046 --> 00:00:07,530 Oh, fuck no. 5 00:00:07,531 --> 00:00:08,890 Are you a real priest? 6 00:00:08,891 --> 00:00:10,170 Yeah. 7 00:00:10,171 --> 00:00:12,957 So, do your family get together much or... 8 00:00:13,011 --> 00:00:14,610 Well, fuck you then. 9 00:00:14,611 --> 00:00:16,700 And do you want to know what gift I'm giving your father? 10 00:00:16,724 --> 00:00:18,183 - Oh, God. - It's a portrait. 11 00:00:18,208 --> 00:00:19,778 - Oh, God. - Of you girls. 12 00:00:19,779 --> 00:00:21,942 - Oh, God. - You pissed off or you doing a poo? 13 00:00:21,967 --> 00:00:24,210 Get your hands off my miscarriage! 14 00:00:24,211 --> 00:00:25,541 - What's happened? - Nothing's happened. 15 00:00:25,566 --> 00:00:27,502 - Just had a little... - What? What, darling? 16 00:00:27,526 --> 00:00:29,211 - Miscarriage. - Hospital now. 17 00:00:29,236 --> 00:00:30,580 What about the bill? Sit down. 18 00:00:30,605 --> 00:00:31,634 I'll cover her. I'll cover you. 19 00:00:31,659 --> 00:00:34,050 If you ever need someone. I'll be there. 20 00:00:34,051 --> 00:00:35,815 If it didn't want to be in there, it didn't want to be in there. 21 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,354 Something wasn't right. 22 00:00:39,004 --> 00:00:40,730 What the fuck!? 23 00:00:43,291 --> 00:00:45,588 - The priest is quite hot. - So hot. 24 00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:50,170 Peace be with you. Yeah, you too, thank you. 25 00:00:50,171 --> 00:00:52,810 - Peace be with you. - And also with you. 26 00:00:52,811 --> 00:00:54,850 - Peace be with you. - And also with you. 27 00:00:54,851 --> 00:00:55,930 Peace be with you. 28 00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:56,970 Peace be with you. 29 00:00:56,971 --> 00:00:58,890 - Peace be with you. - And also with you. 30 00:00:58,891 --> 00:01:00,810 - Peace be with you. - And also with you. 31 00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:01,851 Let us pray. 32 00:01:08,891 --> 00:01:14,530 Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name, 33 00:01:14,531 --> 00:01:20,210 thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven. 34 00:01:20,211 --> 00:01:25,010 Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, 35 00:01:25,011 --> 00:01:29,010 as we forgive those who trespass against us 36 00:01:29,011 --> 00:01:32,730 and lead us not into temptation, 37 00:01:32,731 --> 00:01:34,451 but deliver us from evil. 38 00:01:37,291 --> 00:01:38,398 Amen. 40 00:01:40,451 --> 00:01:46,770 ♪ Rooted, grafted, built on thee ♪ 41 00:01:46,771 --> 00:01:48,290 Please be seated. 42 00:01:48,291 --> 00:01:49,555 And also with you. 43 00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:01,651 Um... Sorry, uh, yes, today's... 44 00:02:04,371 --> 00:02:06,250 Um... Today's notices. 45 00:02:06,251 --> 00:02:11,691 There's a raffle at tomorrow's fete to raise funds for the... 46 00:02:12,811 --> 00:02:16,050 Sorry... The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes. 47 00:02:16,051 --> 00:02:19,450 Uh, congratulations to St Ethelred's Football Club. 48 00:02:19,451 --> 00:02:21,010 Woo! 49 00:02:21,011 --> 00:02:22,330 Three one victory. 50 00:02:22,331 --> 00:02:24,690 Uh, next Friday is a first Friday and I'm going to be 51 00:02:24,691 --> 00:02:28,890 making my usual sick calls to the housebound with the Eucharist 52 00:02:28,891 --> 00:02:32,810 and, finally, on Thursday I'm going to begin Holy Communion 53 00:02:32,811 --> 00:02:35,650 preparation classes and there are more details of that 54 00:02:35,651 --> 00:02:38,970 in the parish newsletter, along with my latest review. 55 00:02:40,611 --> 00:02:41,850 That's all, folks. 56 00:02:41,851 --> 00:02:43,931 Uh, please stand for God's blessing. 57 00:02:44,676 --> 00:02:46,089 Thanks so much. 58 00:02:46,114 --> 00:02:47,706 - Thank you, Father. - All the best. See you next week. 59 00:02:47,731 --> 00:02:48,739 All the best. 60 00:02:48,764 --> 00:02:50,930 - Really good one, Father. - Nice to see you, Gina. 61 00:02:50,931 --> 00:02:52,730 Loved the story about your eye. 62 00:02:52,731 --> 00:02:55,850 Off you go. Give my regards to those budgies. 63 00:02:57,971 --> 00:03:00,050 - Hello. - Hi. 64 00:03:00,051 --> 00:03:02,650 - This is lovely. - Oh, thank you. Thank you. 65 00:03:02,651 --> 00:03:04,170 I thought you'd be in prison by now. 66 00:03:04,171 --> 00:03:07,490 Ah, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me. 67 00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,490 - I'm sorry about your eye. - Oh, that's okay. 68 00:03:09,491 --> 00:03:10,930 Gives me some edge. 69 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:12,850 I've told them some heroic bullshit. 70 00:03:12,851 --> 00:03:13,970 Um... Bless you, Sandy. 71 00:03:13,971 --> 00:03:15,012 - Thank you, Father. - Bless you. 72 00:03:15,037 --> 00:03:16,129 Thank you, Father. 73 00:03:16,153 --> 00:03:17,770 - Thank you. - Bye. 74 00:03:17,771 --> 00:03:19,450 - Bye now. Have a nice day. - God bless you. 75 00:03:19,475 --> 00:03:21,595 - Bye. See you next week. - Bless you. 76 00:03:22,611 --> 00:03:24,538 I just wanted to pay you back for dinner... 77 00:03:24,563 --> 00:03:26,694 - Oh, no! Thank you, honestly. - Because I... No, no, really, I insist. 78 00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:28,554 - It'll have to be in instalments... - I don't want it. I don't want it. 79 00:03:28,579 --> 00:03:30,218 - I've got no pockets. - Please... 80 00:03:30,242 --> 00:03:32,196 Honestly, thank you. Nah-ah! 81 00:03:32,221 --> 00:03:35,016 I'm going to knife the candles, Father. They're a bit clogged up. 82 00:03:35,041 --> 00:03:37,090 - Okay, Pam. - Yeah. 83 00:03:37,091 --> 00:03:39,007 Well, the hair dryer's in the, in the wonky drawer... 84 00:03:39,032 --> 00:03:41,490 Under the wonky drawer. Yes, I know. 85 00:03:41,491 --> 00:03:42,890 - Hello, love. - Hi. 86 00:03:42,891 --> 00:03:45,569 Oh, is that for the collection? How sweet. So kind. 87 00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:46,691 Thank you. 88 00:03:48,188 --> 00:03:49,308 That's Pam. 89 00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:54,301 Do you like tea? 90 00:04:03,890 --> 00:04:05,125 Jesus. 91 00:04:12,571 --> 00:04:14,211 - Tea! - Great. 92 00:04:16,371 --> 00:04:18,425 I don't want boast, but I make a cracking... 93 00:04:18,450 --> 00:04:20,570 - Oh! Bastard! Sorry. - Oh! 94 00:04:20,571 --> 00:04:22,047 - Bastard! - Um... 95 00:04:22,071 --> 00:04:24,071 Let me just get this. 96 00:04:24,691 --> 00:04:26,830 - Oh, dear. - Oh, is that holy? 97 00:04:26,855 --> 00:04:29,634 A bit less than it was before. 98 00:04:29,659 --> 00:04:31,720 Shit. Uh... Oh, well. 99 00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,533 He'll understand. He's an understanding sort. 100 00:04:35,557 --> 00:04:36,814 Okay. 101 00:04:39,331 --> 00:04:40,611 There you go. 102 00:04:41,322 --> 00:04:43,119 Sorry about all the tat. 103 00:04:43,171 --> 00:04:45,970 It's for a fundraiser garden party thing tomorrow. 104 00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:47,850 So much stuff, absolutely no staff. 105 00:04:47,851 --> 00:04:50,570 - You can volunteer if you want. - Oh... 106 00:04:50,596 --> 00:04:52,650 - I'm only joking. - Oh. 107 00:04:52,651 --> 00:04:55,330 You've probably got a life. 108 00:04:55,331 --> 00:04:56,650 - What's the time? - Um... 109 00:04:56,651 --> 00:04:59,530 Do you want a proper drink? I've got cans of G&T. 110 00:04:59,531 --> 00:05:01,170 From M&S. 111 00:05:01,171 --> 00:05:03,050 - Well, it's... - I will if you will. 112 00:05:03,051 --> 00:05:04,840 Okay. 113 00:05:04,865 --> 00:05:06,371 Okay. 114 00:05:14,851 --> 00:05:16,171 Thanks. 115 00:05:21,462 --> 00:05:23,079 So, you're a cool priest, are you? 116 00:05:23,104 --> 00:05:24,375 - A cool priest? - Yeah. 117 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,900 No. I'm a big reader with no friends. 118 00:05:25,924 --> 00:05:27,010 Are you a cool person? 119 00:05:27,011 --> 00:05:29,170 - I'm a pretty normal person. - A normal person? 120 00:05:29,171 --> 00:05:30,776 - Yeah, a normal person. - What makes you a normal person? 121 00:05:30,801 --> 00:05:33,171 Well, I don't believe in God... 122 00:05:37,663 --> 00:05:39,383 I love it when He does that. 123 00:05:47,171 --> 00:05:48,959 So, you were in my prayers last night. 124 00:05:48,998 --> 00:05:50,474 Likewise. 125 00:05:50,531 --> 00:05:52,930 I'm sorry for your loss. 126 00:05:52,931 --> 00:05:54,610 What? 127 00:05:54,611 --> 00:05:55,891 Your baby. 128 00:05:57,331 --> 00:05:59,550 Oh! Yeah, thank you. 129 00:06:00,531 --> 00:06:02,571 Thank you. Yes, I... 130 00:06:04,271 --> 00:06:05,630 Thank you. 131 00:06:05,655 --> 00:06:07,414 Is the father all right? 132 00:06:07,515 --> 00:06:09,779 Well, he doesn't really... 133 00:06:11,834 --> 00:06:13,091 ...exist. 134 00:06:14,891 --> 00:06:16,171 I understand. 135 00:06:18,131 --> 00:06:21,224 The funeral liturgy says 136 00:06:21,295 --> 00:06:25,044 that life is changed, not ended. 137 00:06:27,451 --> 00:06:29,930 I've always loved that, if that's of any help. 138 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,227 Oh, well, thank you very much, but I really am an atheist. 139 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:35,050 Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible. 140 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:39,436 New sermon? 141 00:06:39,461 --> 00:06:42,881 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's... I write, uh... 142 00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:45,051 ...restaurant reviews for the parish magazine 143 00:06:45,076 --> 00:06:46,795 and I was just finishing up the last one. 144 00:06:46,820 --> 00:06:48,387 I actually just came up with a really good title. 145 00:06:48,412 --> 00:06:49,651 Ah, what is it? 146 00:06:50,491 --> 00:06:51,841 - No. - What? 147 00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:54,090 - No, it's not cool. - Well, neither are we, so... 148 00:06:54,091 --> 00:06:56,778 "I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert." 149 00:07:00,537 --> 00:07:02,457 Oh, God, I fancy a priest. 150 00:07:39,051 --> 00:07:40,451 There you go. 151 00:07:45,371 --> 00:07:46,844 Hey. 152 00:07:46,869 --> 00:07:48,850 Are you having an event? 153 00:07:48,851 --> 00:07:50,210 No. 154 00:07:50,211 --> 00:07:51,890 Why are there so many people here? 155 00:07:51,891 --> 00:07:54,050 Well, it's just successful, I guess. 156 00:07:54,051 --> 00:07:56,354 Why is everyone talking to each other? 157 00:07:56,379 --> 00:07:57,698 Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday. 158 00:07:57,723 --> 00:07:58,874 If you buy something, you have to have a chat 159 00:07:58,899 --> 00:08:00,706 - with someone you don't know. - What? 160 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,610 Loneliness pays. 161 00:08:03,371 --> 00:08:04,930 Listen, can we... 162 00:08:04,931 --> 00:08:05,971 Sure. 163 00:08:10,371 --> 00:08:12,650 - I know you and I haven't... - Have you had a check-up? 164 00:08:12,651 --> 00:08:15,130 Yes, it's fine. It's really not a big deal. 165 00:08:15,131 --> 00:08:16,641 - It happens all the time... - Hello! 166 00:08:16,665 --> 00:08:18,130 - No. - Where you from? 167 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:21,040 I'm not... This isn't... I'm not part of this. 168 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:23,412 I shouldn't have to... I don't want to tell you that. 169 00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:25,365 No. Sorry. No. 170 00:08:26,331 --> 00:08:27,608 Tooting. 171 00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:29,838 She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe. 172 00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:32,863 Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. 173 00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:35,866 Does Martin know? 174 00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:37,835 You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12... 175 00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:39,085 - Well, you can tell the father. - I just haven't told him. 176 00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:41,258 - Okay, but what does he know? - I don't want to talk about it, okay? 177 00:08:41,283 --> 00:08:43,617 And I never want anyone to know about it. 178 00:08:43,641 --> 00:08:44,774 You have it. 179 00:08:44,799 --> 00:08:46,625 You're better at dealing with awful things anyway. 180 00:08:46,649 --> 00:08:48,020 - I don't want it. - Well, you took it, 181 00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:50,288 now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it. 182 00:08:57,502 --> 00:08:59,101 What? 183 00:08:59,126 --> 00:09:00,699 They're some pretty funky trainers. 184 00:09:00,724 --> 00:09:02,215 I said I'm fine. 185 00:09:02,218 --> 00:09:03,940 I just really, really don't want anyone to make 186 00:09:03,965 --> 00:09:05,533 a big deal out of this, okay? 187 00:09:05,558 --> 00:09:08,117 Brutal. Just brutal. 188 00:09:08,118 --> 00:09:09,797 You must feel rotten. 189 00:09:09,798 --> 00:09:11,357 Do you feel rotten? 190 00:09:11,358 --> 00:09:13,507 I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay. 191 00:09:13,532 --> 00:09:15,557 Of course, darling. Come on up. 192 00:09:15,558 --> 00:09:17,437 Claire get the door, for God's sake. 193 00:09:17,438 --> 00:09:19,227 Did you know who the father was? 194 00:09:19,252 --> 00:09:21,407 Um, you know, I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay. 195 00:09:21,432 --> 00:09:23,501 No, of course, darling. 196 00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:26,351 I've got a set up I'm very excited about. 197 00:09:26,376 --> 00:09:28,095 - It's going to be very striking. - Cool. 198 00:09:28,096 --> 00:09:30,455 So, Claire, if you just sit here. 199 00:09:30,456 --> 00:09:31,564 That's lovely 200 00:09:31,589 --> 00:09:34,341 And, darling, just beside her like that. 201 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,906 Lovely. 202 00:09:35,931 --> 00:09:37,935 Actually, if you could just... 203 00:09:37,936 --> 00:09:39,711 That's it, that's it. 204 00:09:39,736 --> 00:09:41,096 Just a bit. 205 00:09:42,552 --> 00:09:44,311 Bit more. 206 00:09:44,312 --> 00:09:45,711 There, perfect. 207 00:09:45,712 --> 00:09:46,992 Gorgeous, yes. 208 00:09:50,392 --> 00:09:52,191 Sorry, no, if you could just... 209 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,192 That's it. Thank you, darling. 210 00:09:55,232 --> 00:09:57,511 - So, um... - She can't not talk about it. 211 00:09:57,512 --> 00:09:59,591 - You know, I have six friends... - A lie. 212 00:09:59,592 --> 00:10:01,951 ...who've had miscarriages. 213 00:10:01,952 --> 00:10:05,231 Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards, 214 00:10:05,232 --> 00:10:07,465 but the sixth one did and rather regretted it, 215 00:10:07,527 --> 00:10:10,363 so I think you've probably done the right thing. 216 00:10:10,426 --> 00:10:11,632 Thank you. 217 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,026 Did you never want them? 218 00:10:15,051 --> 00:10:16,691 Oh, I'm still thinking about it. 219 00:10:17,872 --> 00:10:19,791 Is Dad here? I texted him, but... 220 00:10:19,792 --> 00:10:21,591 - Oh, I saw that. - Oh, so he is here? 221 00:10:21,592 --> 00:10:23,952 Sorry, no, I've got his phone today. 222 00:10:25,952 --> 00:10:27,631 I love that colour. 223 00:10:27,632 --> 00:10:28,671 Which one? 224 00:10:28,672 --> 00:10:31,649 - That one. - Oh, that's three colours. 225 00:10:31,729 --> 00:10:33,968 Right. I'm getting rid of it. 226 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,991 But it was quite an adventure painting. 227 00:10:35,992 --> 00:10:37,911 I had an orgasm as I finished it. 228 00:10:37,912 --> 00:10:40,353 Well, let's hope we all get as much pleasure out of this one. 229 00:10:40,392 --> 00:10:41,720 No, no. Could you...? 230 00:10:41,759 --> 00:10:44,467 Um, I have a pretty full afternoon, so... 231 00:10:44,499 --> 00:10:46,202 Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again? 232 00:10:46,227 --> 00:10:47,866 No, Finland are coming here. 233 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,471 Oh. Well, that's easier for you. 234 00:10:49,472 --> 00:10:50,631 Mmm. 235 00:10:50,632 --> 00:10:52,238 Are you still okay to pick up the invitations? 236 00:10:52,263 --> 00:10:53,871 Oh, yes, of course. 237 00:10:53,872 --> 00:10:55,464 And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers? 238 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,951 - Yes. - Great. 239 00:10:56,952 --> 00:10:58,456 And is Martin's nose on the mend? 240 00:10:58,481 --> 00:10:59,549 Yes. 241 00:10:59,574 --> 00:11:01,363 And how's the bassoon solo coming on? 242 00:11:01,388 --> 00:11:02,950 Oh, yes, he's practising. 243 00:11:02,975 --> 00:11:05,269 - Oh, God, and now I just have to... - What? 244 00:11:05,294 --> 00:11:06,693 Sorry, Claire, can you look up, please? 245 00:11:06,718 --> 00:11:07,725 Thank you. 246 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,151 Organise canapes for an awards ceremony. 247 00:11:10,152 --> 00:11:11,991 Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted. 248 00:11:11,992 --> 00:11:13,813 Does the little cafe do canapes? 249 00:11:13,838 --> 00:11:15,618 It totally could, yeah. 250 00:11:15,643 --> 00:11:18,162 Well, there you are. That's one off the list. 251 00:11:18,187 --> 00:11:19,227 Great. 252 00:11:22,436 --> 00:11:26,475 Gosh, haven't you got a lovely, thick neck? 253 00:11:28,392 --> 00:11:30,111 - That was fun. - Thank you. 254 00:11:30,136 --> 00:11:31,933 I really can help with the canapes if it's... 255 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,283 - I'm going to say this quickly. Okay? - Okay. 256 00:11:34,308 --> 00:11:36,471 Martin wants to press charges against you for assault. 257 00:11:36,472 --> 00:11:38,566 I've tried to talk him down, but to be fair, you did hit him 258 00:11:38,591 --> 00:11:40,032 - fucking hard. - What?! 259 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,496 I will provide you with exceptional legal advice as long as 260 00:11:42,521 --> 00:11:44,776 you don't tell anyone I'm providing you with exceptional legal advice. 261 00:11:44,801 --> 00:11:46,636 - What?! - This is happening. 262 00:11:46,661 --> 00:11:49,540 I am mortified, but it is happening, okay? 263 00:11:49,565 --> 00:11:51,511 I will hire this lawyer to scare him off 264 00:11:51,512 --> 00:11:54,282 and I will hire you to do the canapes. 265 00:11:54,312 --> 00:11:55,871 - Who's the lawyer? - Oh, he's a friend. 266 00:11:55,872 --> 00:11:57,751 He mainly defends rapists. 267 00:11:57,752 --> 00:11:58,933 He has a high success rate then. 268 00:11:58,958 --> 00:12:01,597 Undefeated. Come on. 269 00:12:01,712 --> 00:12:03,831 I've filled him in with the basics. 270 00:12:03,832 --> 00:12:06,196 - That your husband's an animal? - Be serious. 271 00:12:06,220 --> 00:12:08,967 Just do whatever he says and don't flirt with him. 272 00:12:08,992 --> 00:12:11,996 I'm not going to f... 273 00:12:12,072 --> 00:12:14,231 Fucking hell, okay. 274 00:12:14,232 --> 00:12:15,991 - Claire! - David, thank you so much... 275 00:12:15,992 --> 00:12:17,551 - Oh! Sorry. - Wow. 276 00:12:17,552 --> 00:12:19,071 I can take you to court for that. 277 00:12:20,232 --> 00:12:21,802 This the little trouble maker, then? 278 00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:23,151 - Hi. - Hi. 279 00:12:23,152 --> 00:12:26,576 Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens, 280 00:12:26,601 --> 00:12:29,334 I don't sleep with people I work with, okay? 281 00:12:32,963 --> 00:12:34,836 I'm joking. 282 00:12:34,861 --> 00:12:36,687 Slip on in, ladies. 283 00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,844 Well, if you spit guilty, you'll have to swallow a short jail term, 284 00:12:39,869 --> 00:12:41,359 or community service if you're lucky. 285 00:12:41,384 --> 00:12:42,413 Or? 286 00:12:42,438 --> 00:12:43,861 - You definitely started it? - Yes. 287 00:12:43,886 --> 00:12:46,674 - Any witnesses? - About 30. 288 00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,697 The most important thing, honey, 289 00:12:49,722 --> 00:12:52,115 is that you do not, under any circumstances, apologise. 290 00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:54,310 - I can do that... - No, that's not what we discussed. 291 00:12:54,335 --> 00:12:57,111 Well, that can be taken as an admission of guilt. 292 00:12:57,112 --> 00:12:59,071 I assume you know the victim personally? 293 00:12:59,072 --> 00:13:01,104 - Yes... - No, and let's not call him 294 00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:03,391 - the victim yet, shall we? - Well, that's what he is. 295 00:13:03,392 --> 00:13:05,191 Yes. Right. 296 00:13:05,192 --> 00:13:06,591 They've definitely fucked. 297 00:13:06,592 --> 00:13:08,351 We just want a letter to scare him off 298 00:13:08,352 --> 00:13:09,951 if he ends up seeking proper action. 299 00:13:09,992 --> 00:13:12,068 - Really doesn't make sense, Claire. - Actually maybe not. 300 00:13:12,093 --> 00:13:13,623 I think it makes perfect sense. 301 00:13:13,648 --> 00:13:15,740 - I just want to be ahead of the game. - God, I can't tell. 302 00:13:15,765 --> 00:13:18,248 - That's a habit of yours, I've heard. - Oh, I've got it. 303 00:13:18,273 --> 00:13:19,499 - Is it? - They haven't... 304 00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:20,999 You're going to have to tell me who said that. 305 00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:22,482 - Never. - ...but they're going to. 306 00:13:22,507 --> 00:13:24,296 - David. - Oh, God, I've got to get out. 307 00:13:24,328 --> 00:13:25,887 - Claire. - Excuse me. 308 00:13:25,888 --> 00:13:26,884 Where you off to, little lady? 309 00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:30,134 I'm just going to let this... Yeah. 310 00:13:46,768 --> 00:13:48,087 You all right? 311 00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:50,180 Yeah. Just thought I'd leave you to it. 312 00:13:51,088 --> 00:13:52,887 - Sorry. - What? 313 00:13:52,888 --> 00:13:55,000 He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings 314 00:13:55,025 --> 00:13:56,633 - if you go for a drink with him. - What? 315 00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:58,183 - I know. - Outrageous. 316 00:13:58,208 --> 00:13:59,927 - Stop smiling. - I thought he was after you? 317 00:13:59,952 --> 00:14:02,662 So did I, but my hair isn't great at the moment. 318 00:14:02,687 --> 00:14:04,567 Either way, it's very inappropriate. 319 00:14:04,568 --> 00:14:05,954 - Don't sleep with him. - I won't. 320 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,212 - Don't. - I won't. 321 00:14:07,236 --> 00:14:08,344 I don't do that anymore. 322 00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:10,687 What? Why? Are you ill? 323 00:14:10,688 --> 00:14:12,167 - No. - Then what? 324 00:14:12,168 --> 00:14:14,603 Well, I just... 325 00:14:14,628 --> 00:14:16,251 Oh, my God. Have you met someone? 326 00:14:16,276 --> 00:14:18,607 Well, not really. 327 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,207 - Back with Harry? - No, it's actually... 328 00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:21,315 - Someone new? - Well... 329 00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:23,488 - Is he single? - Sort of. 330 00:14:25,328 --> 00:14:26,847 Take this. 331 00:14:26,848 --> 00:14:29,253 I'll try talk Martin down, but call him if you need him. 332 00:14:29,278 --> 00:14:31,127 He's a very good lawyer. 333 00:14:31,128 --> 00:14:33,247 Surprisingly... 334 00:14:33,328 --> 00:14:35,584 ...tender underneath it all. 335 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,100 Knew it. 336 00:14:37,125 --> 00:14:39,381 What you did in the restaurant was unforgiveable. 337 00:14:39,405 --> 00:14:41,405 I know. 338 00:14:41,430 --> 00:14:42,688 Thank you. 339 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,231 Okay, well... 340 00:14:46,256 --> 00:14:49,090 Listen, I actually just wanted to give you... this. 341 00:14:49,115 --> 00:14:51,467 It's just one session, but you've been through a lot, so I just... 342 00:14:51,492 --> 00:14:53,288 Oh, my God, I said I'm fine. 343 00:14:54,688 --> 00:14:55,928 I'm weirdly fine. 344 00:14:58,448 --> 00:15:00,248 I'd rather have the money. 345 00:15:15,812 --> 00:15:18,145 Excuse me, I've got dry forearms. 346 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:20,161 Sure. 347 00:15:22,568 --> 00:15:24,367 So, why have you come to the session? 348 00:15:24,368 --> 00:15:26,452 Oh, it was a birthday present from my father. 349 00:15:27,288 --> 00:15:28,927 Is that a joke? 350 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,288 No. 351 00:15:32,008 --> 00:15:33,927 It would be good not to make jokes in here. 352 00:15:33,928 --> 00:15:39,024 Just in case anything gets lost in humorous translation. 353 00:15:39,048 --> 00:15:41,168 Oh, I don't know if I can do that. 354 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,967 Is that a joke? 355 00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:45,008 No. 356 00:15:46,368 --> 00:15:50,170 Oh, just try not to, or make it very obvious. 357 00:15:51,048 --> 00:15:52,367 Sure. 358 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:55,303 So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling? 359 00:15:55,328 --> 00:15:58,109 I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it 360 00:15:58,134 --> 00:16:00,290 and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks 361 00:16:00,315 --> 00:16:02,243 I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most 362 00:16:02,268 --> 00:16:05,001 of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void 363 00:16:05,026 --> 00:16:07,623 inside my empty heart. I'm good at this. 364 00:16:07,648 --> 00:16:09,551 Although I don't really do that any more. 365 00:16:10,288 --> 00:16:12,223 You close with your family? 366 00:16:14,278 --> 00:16:15,687 We get on with it. 367 00:16:15,688 --> 00:16:18,047 - Do you talk? - God no! 368 00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:20,007 Any friends? 369 00:16:20,008 --> 00:16:22,248 - Sorry? - Any friends? 370 00:16:24,248 --> 00:16:25,687 Um... 371 00:16:25,688 --> 00:16:27,661 No, I don't really have time for... 372 00:16:27,728 --> 00:16:30,567 Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold. 373 00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:31,802 Not a joke. 374 00:16:33,408 --> 00:16:35,407 Tell me about the sex. 375 00:16:37,888 --> 00:16:39,407 All of it? 376 00:16:39,408 --> 00:16:41,167 You said you don't do that now. 377 00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,875 Oh, no, I just play tennis now. 378 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,291 Tough crowd. 379 00:16:47,568 --> 00:16:48,908 Sorry. 380 00:16:48,968 --> 00:16:50,877 I just... 381 00:16:51,008 --> 00:16:53,744 Sex didn't bring anything... 382 00:16:53,848 --> 00:16:56,056 good, so I'm trying not to... 383 00:16:57,602 --> 00:16:59,001 But I've... 384 00:16:59,072 --> 00:17:01,143 And what have you found in your abstinence? 385 00:17:01,168 --> 00:17:04,088 Well, I'm very horny and your little scarf isn't helping. 386 00:17:06,248 --> 00:17:08,775 So, the impulse is still there? 387 00:17:08,832 --> 00:17:10,603 Oh... 388 00:17:10,672 --> 00:17:13,861 Yeah, the impulse is... 389 00:17:13,888 --> 00:17:16,739 The impulse is very much still there. 390 00:17:16,808 --> 00:17:18,942 It's just never the right person. 391 00:17:19,008 --> 00:17:20,447 Mm. 392 00:17:20,505 --> 00:17:23,239 So there is a particular person you're not having sex with? 393 00:17:23,288 --> 00:17:24,786 No! 394 00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:27,767 Well, look, nothing's happened. I just... 395 00:17:27,768 --> 00:17:29,567 He's not available. 396 00:17:29,568 --> 00:17:31,807 - In a relationship? - Yes, a bad one. 397 00:17:31,808 --> 00:17:33,487 Oh, really? How so? 398 00:17:33,488 --> 00:17:35,286 It's a sort of relationship where one partner 399 00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:37,875 - tells the other how to dress. - Are you in love with him? 400 00:17:37,900 --> 00:17:39,802 No! 401 00:17:39,827 --> 00:17:42,047 Why do you find that funny? 402 00:17:42,048 --> 00:17:43,767 Well, I... 403 00:17:43,768 --> 00:17:45,687 I dunno, I just... 404 00:17:45,688 --> 00:17:47,927 I don't... No! 405 00:17:47,928 --> 00:17:50,177 - Just not a romantic? - No. 406 00:17:50,928 --> 00:17:52,487 Just... 407 00:17:52,589 --> 00:17:54,709 a girl with no friends and an empty heart? 408 00:17:58,248 --> 00:17:59,728 By your own description. 409 00:18:05,648 --> 00:18:06,927 I have friends. 410 00:18:06,928 --> 00:18:08,848 Oh, so you do have someone to talk to. 411 00:18:10,848 --> 00:18:12,008 Yeah. 412 00:18:14,088 --> 00:18:15,567 Do you see them a lot? 413 00:18:15,568 --> 00:18:17,885 Oh, they're... they're always there. 414 00:18:17,940 --> 00:18:19,596 They're... 415 00:18:19,648 --> 00:18:21,441 They're always there. 416 00:18:21,928 --> 00:18:23,386 Why do you find that funny? 417 00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:24,885 Listen, I don't need to be analysed. 418 00:18:24,910 --> 00:18:26,199 I have a nice life. I just... 419 00:18:26,223 --> 00:18:28,223 I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money. 420 00:18:28,248 --> 00:18:30,127 It's a bit late for that now. 421 00:18:30,128 --> 00:18:31,848 I've only been here five minutes. 422 00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:36,362 I want the money. 423 00:18:38,688 --> 00:18:40,784 I want to fuck a priest. 424 00:18:40,848 --> 00:18:42,567 - Catholic? - Yes! 425 00:18:42,568 --> 00:18:44,247 - A good one? - Yes! 426 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:46,182 - Looks good in the... - Mmm, yes. 427 00:18:46,206 --> 00:18:47,994 I understand. 428 00:18:48,568 --> 00:18:50,487 Do you really want to fuck the priest, 429 00:18:50,488 --> 00:18:52,727 or do you want to fuck God? 430 00:18:52,728 --> 00:18:55,527 - Can you fuck God? - Oh, yes. 431 00:18:55,528 --> 00:18:58,915 Look just please tell me how to not fuck a priest, 432 00:18:58,940 --> 00:19:00,579 before I get arrested. 433 00:19:00,604 --> 00:19:03,032 Well, I don't think fucking a priest will make you feel as powerful 434 00:19:03,057 --> 00:19:05,807 - as you think it will. - Can you just tell me what to do? 435 00:19:05,808 --> 00:19:07,055 You know. 436 00:19:08,368 --> 00:19:11,327 You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does. 437 00:19:11,328 --> 00:19:12,607 What?! 438 00:19:12,608 --> 00:19:15,070 You've already decided what you're going to do. 439 00:19:15,848 --> 00:19:18,087 So what's the point in you? 440 00:19:19,768 --> 00:19:21,288 You know what you're going to do. 441 00:19:22,888 --> 00:19:24,527 - No, I don't. - Yes, you do. 442 00:19:24,528 --> 00:19:25,906 - I don't! - You do! 443 00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:27,059 - I don't! I don't... - You do! 444 00:19:28,841 --> 00:19:30,674 - Good luck! - Thank you. 445 00:19:30,699 --> 00:19:32,181 Shut up. 446 00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:35,127 Hi, can I have two raffle tickets, please? 447 00:19:35,128 --> 00:19:37,516 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God, hi! 448 00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,327 Hi! You're... 449 00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:40,390 - Yeah! - ...with child. 450 00:19:40,414 --> 00:19:41,357 - Yes. - Cool! 451 00:19:41,382 --> 00:19:42,866 - You, you got a fringe! - Yeah! 452 00:19:42,890 --> 00:19:43,943 Yeah. Oh, cool. 453 00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:46,820 - Aw, you always wanted a baby! - You always wanted a fringe. 454 00:19:46,821 --> 00:19:48,776 She is amazing. 455 00:19:48,801 --> 00:19:51,297 - I mean, it's been tough, but amazing. - Oh, yeah? 456 00:19:51,322 --> 00:19:53,340 Yeah, I mean, the birth really took its toll. 457 00:19:53,341 --> 00:19:55,483 - Oh, really? Was it a tricky one? - I can't really remember it now. 458 00:19:55,508 --> 00:19:58,920 But the whole thing has just really changed me. 459 00:19:58,945 --> 00:20:00,580 I just don't feel... 460 00:20:00,581 --> 00:20:02,279 You know, my emotions are up and down. 461 00:20:02,303 --> 00:20:04,916 My body just feels different. 462 00:20:04,941 --> 00:20:08,101 I mean, Elaine is being amazing, so supportive... 463 00:20:08,126 --> 00:20:09,777 It sounds like you have got post-natal depression. 464 00:20:09,801 --> 00:20:12,230 I do, yeah, but we're working through it. 465 00:20:13,661 --> 00:20:15,361 - Sure. - Just to let you know, 466 00:20:15,386 --> 00:20:17,129 the band is going to start in a couple of minutes. 467 00:20:17,154 --> 00:20:18,860 Hey, Father. This is Suzie! 468 00:20:18,861 --> 00:20:21,220 Aw, I don't know how to talk to babies, sorry. 469 00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:22,860 Do you guys know each other? 470 00:20:22,861 --> 00:20:24,501 - Uh, yeah. - We sort of used to... 471 00:20:24,540 --> 00:20:26,594 I used to be her girlfriend. 472 00:20:26,621 --> 00:20:27,981 Oh, cool. 473 00:20:29,301 --> 00:20:31,061 Good for you! 474 00:20:31,101 --> 00:20:32,902 I'm going to go and show her the coconuts. 475 00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:35,576 - She's really good at counting. - Okay. 476 00:20:35,621 --> 00:20:37,500 Excuse me, everyone! 477 00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:41,340 The Youthy Band is about to play the ode to something! 478 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,160 - You having fun? - Yes, yeah. 479 00:20:43,185 --> 00:20:44,589 - Selling well? Good. - Yes, I think so. 480 00:20:44,614 --> 00:20:45,988 Oh, puzzle. I love a puzzle! 481 00:20:46,013 --> 00:20:47,950 - The Youthy Band are about... - Yes, I heard you, Pam. 482 00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:50,161 Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. 483 00:20:52,261 --> 00:20:54,525 - Ah, there's the main event. - Yeah! 484 00:20:54,550 --> 00:20:57,454 - Very talented. - She, uh, she... 485 00:20:57,479 --> 00:20:59,709 Don't say it. She, she, actually... 486 00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:00,818 Just don't say it. 487 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,100 She actually orgasmed when she finished it. 488 00:21:03,101 --> 00:21:04,300 I just said it. 489 00:21:04,325 --> 00:21:06,045 - Apparently. - Ah! 490 00:21:08,373 --> 00:21:10,213 Well, whatever gets you there! 491 00:21:13,021 --> 00:21:16,270 Father! Father, we have a cupcake situation over here! 492 00:21:16,295 --> 00:21:18,180 Okay, Pam! I will be there to cupcake. 493 00:21:19,661 --> 00:21:21,421 Thank you so much for helping. 494 00:21:26,849 --> 00:21:28,649 Arm touch. 495 00:21:35,221 --> 00:21:38,940 At least my son is in the Youthy Band, what's your excuse? 496 00:21:38,941 --> 00:21:40,900 Urgh! 497 00:21:40,901 --> 00:21:43,020 I'm helping the priest. 498 00:21:43,021 --> 00:21:46,100 Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you? 499 00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:48,029 Hey, I just want to say something... 500 00:21:48,054 --> 00:21:49,820 It's from River Island. I got it last week. 501 00:21:49,845 --> 00:21:54,340 No. I want to say that I'm sorry for saying what I said. 502 00:21:54,341 --> 00:21:56,700 I'm sorry for what you went through. 503 00:21:56,701 --> 00:21:58,249 I'm sorry. 504 00:21:58,273 --> 00:21:59,980 I know what you're doing. I'm not going to say it. 505 00:21:59,981 --> 00:22:01,500 I'm just saying sorry. 506 00:22:01,501 --> 00:22:02,780 I'm not going to say it. 507 00:22:02,781 --> 00:22:04,500 I'm sorry. 508 00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:05,661 Mm-mm. 509 00:22:08,541 --> 00:22:10,511 Okay. 510 00:22:10,541 --> 00:22:12,020 And thank you. 511 00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:14,060 - She and I have never been better. - Oh! 512 00:22:14,061 --> 00:22:16,100 You had a big part in that. 513 00:22:16,101 --> 00:22:18,100 I'm happy for you. 514 00:22:18,101 --> 00:22:21,132 I'm happy you've found a way to deflect from your pitiful, 515 00:22:21,157 --> 00:22:24,257 self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory... 516 00:22:24,282 --> 00:22:26,180 I cannot believe how well this is coming out. 517 00:22:26,205 --> 00:22:28,620 ...pawing, insidious, insidious, 518 00:22:28,621 --> 00:22:30,421 overwhelming mediocrity, 519 00:22:30,446 --> 00:22:32,853 only to finally figure out that at your very core, 520 00:22:32,877 --> 00:22:36,174 you are a weaky. 521 00:22:37,061 --> 00:22:38,220 Damn! 522 00:22:38,221 --> 00:22:40,580 - A "weaky"? - Damn! Damn! 523 00:22:40,581 --> 00:22:42,609 Wow. A "weaky"? 524 00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:51,780 In that case, I just wanted you to know 525 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:55,320 that I'm impressed with how you just keep bouncing back. 526 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,140 I really am. 527 00:22:57,141 --> 00:23:00,052 You're a strongy. 528 00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:02,863 That was awesome, man. 529 00:23:02,888 --> 00:23:04,540 Creepy Jake, mainly says things like... 530 00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:05,940 - Where's Claire? - ...and... 531 00:23:05,941 --> 00:23:07,020 Where's Claire? 532 00:23:07,021 --> 00:23:08,540 She couldn't make it, man. 533 00:23:08,541 --> 00:23:11,603 Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid church goer. 534 00:23:11,628 --> 00:23:13,020 Hi. Thanks for watching. 535 00:23:13,021 --> 00:23:15,476 Oh, you were excellent. 536 00:23:15,501 --> 00:23:17,140 - Oh! - Ooh. 537 00:23:17,141 --> 00:23:18,660 Careful there, buddy. 538 00:23:18,661 --> 00:23:20,986 You could go down for that sort of behaviour these days. 539 00:23:21,011 --> 00:23:23,308 - It was just a hug. - "Oh, it was just a hug!" 540 00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:25,222 You got to do better than that these days, boy. 541 00:23:25,247 --> 00:23:27,636 - Specially round this firecracker. - But I didn't do... 542 00:23:27,660 --> 00:23:29,128 Come on. 543 00:23:30,021 --> 00:23:32,037 I don't want to be an asshole. 544 00:23:32,061 --> 00:23:33,980 I just want her to be happy. 545 00:23:33,981 --> 00:23:37,647 And she has been really happy... 546 00:23:37,701 --> 00:23:39,491 ...until she saw you. 547 00:23:40,381 --> 00:23:42,137 Just saying. 548 00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:43,541 Wow. 549 00:23:54,701 --> 00:23:56,154 Psst. 550 00:23:56,179 --> 00:23:58,060 Hi, Jake. Ooh. 551 00:23:58,085 --> 00:24:01,396 Tell her to leave him. 552 00:24:01,421 --> 00:24:03,100 What? 553 00:24:03,101 --> 00:24:07,266 Tell her to leave him. 554 00:24:16,021 --> 00:24:17,981 He's going to kill someone one day. 555 00:24:21,237 --> 00:24:23,754 - Hey! - Yes, Father? 556 00:24:23,791 --> 00:24:24,822 Yes, Father? 557 00:24:24,847 --> 00:24:26,604 I can't believe I'm saying this, but... 558 00:24:26,629 --> 00:24:27,707 Oh, God. 559 00:24:27,732 --> 00:24:30,660 Can I get that coconut back? They're actually on hire. 560 00:24:30,661 --> 00:24:32,980 I'm not sure if a lot of them are even real, actually, 561 00:24:32,981 --> 00:24:36,004 which is morally a bit dubious, but we've got to make money somehow. 562 00:24:36,029 --> 00:24:38,860 - Thank you. - Knuckle brush. 563 00:24:38,861 --> 00:24:41,656 Also, I hope you don't mind, but, um... 564 00:24:41,693 --> 00:24:44,526 I've marked a few pages in here that I thought might be... 565 00:24:44,559 --> 00:24:46,119 Ooh, eh. 566 00:24:46,144 --> 00:24:48,264 No, no, no, no. I'm not trying to... 567 00:24:49,741 --> 00:24:51,210 They're just words. 568 00:24:51,261 --> 00:24:55,260 Okay, it's just I... I think I know what happens. 569 00:24:55,301 --> 00:24:56,541 Classic. 570 00:24:58,141 --> 00:24:59,461 Come on, have a read. 571 00:25:02,086 --> 00:25:03,845 I'd like to know what do you think. 572 00:25:03,901 --> 00:25:05,957 And if you ever want to... 573 00:25:06,027 --> 00:25:08,098 talk about stuff, I'm here. 574 00:25:08,141 --> 00:25:10,145 With a G&T, of course. 575 00:25:11,515 --> 00:25:13,155 You can come whenever you want. 576 00:25:14,581 --> 00:25:16,652 I'd like you to come, 577 00:25:16,735 --> 00:25:18,255 if it helps.41122

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