All language subtitles for The.Andy.Griffith.Show.S01E19.iNTERNAL.BDRip.x264-LiBRARiANS-en

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

J‘ Goin‘ down Cripple Creek
90 on and run I

J‘ Goin‘ down Cripple Creek
to have a little fun J‘

I Roll my br'rlches
to my knees... I

Oh, howdy, Barney,

| see you got your
paycheck this month,

Yeah, I got it.

Is something
wrong with it?

Yes, lhere‘s somelhing
wrong with it‘

Well, what?

This check‘s made out
to Barney Fife

ll oughla be made out
to Barney Sucker

What?

Look at all these
deductions and this tax.

There's nothing Iefl.
for heaven sakes.

Barney Sucker, that's who
it oughta be made out to,

Yeah, that's me, Barney Sucker,

It‘s open season on Barney.

Come on, everybody, let's all
take a bite out of Barney Fife.

-Now, come on.
—Good at Barney,

He makes it, he‘s got it,
let's take it.

Now. Barney, you
just simmer down,

Now, they're all legitimate
government deductions.

Besides, you know
what they say.

Can't take itwith you.

Take it with me?

They keep nibblin'
at me like this

I'll be lucky if
I get to go myself.

The only thing to do, I guess

is invest my money
in some good stock,

You know. something
that zooms overnig ht.

Happens, you know.

Oil stocks and uranium.

Uh, you better watch
this investin' business.

Woods are full of con men.

You‘d be just ripe
tor the pluckin', too.

Me? Ha, ha.

Not likely.
Not old eagleeye Barney,

No?

Well, now, | tell you

if you're really
considerin' investin'

why don’t you
try coin oollectin'?

Coin collectin'?

For investing?

Well sure.

It‘s a good hobby,
and you can’t never tell

when you'll run across
a rare old coin.

Might bring you
a whole lot of money.

A coin?

Cut it out.

Well, sure.

Look here,
look right here.

Here. Yeah.

See that nickel
right there?

Yeah.

Now, I paid ten dollars
for that nickel.

Month later, fellow
offered me 50 for it.

Wouldn‘t surprise me a bit
if I was to advertise it,

I'd get, oh, a couple
hundred dollars.

For a nickel?

Yeah.

How come?

Well, they made a mistake
at the Mint.

Look rig ht here. See that
buffalo right there?

Yeah?

Facing the wrong way.

I'll be darned.

Facing
the wrong way, huh?

Yeah.

Huh. And that
makes it valuable?

Yup.

Yeah, I don‘t expect

there's more
than two or three

in the whole country.

No foolin'?

Mm-hmm,

And it keeps increasin'
in value?

Yeah, the fewer there
are on the market, yeah.

You say there's only two?

Oh, two or three
at the most.

Mm“,

ahem, uh...

you wouldn‘t want
to sell it, would you?

Hmm?

You know of somebody
wants to buy it?

Well, I might buy it.

You might?

Hmm,

I couldn‘t give you
no $200, but...

might go $50.

(chuckles)

$75?

3575's a deal?

Well, all right.

Thank you, Andy.

-Yeah.
-How about that?

Let mejust compare this
with a regular nickel.

Let‘s see there.

Hey, Andy, the buffalo on this
nickel's facin' the same way!

0h, let me see
that rare nickel.

Now, now, now, which ways
the buffalo facing

on your regular nickel?

That way.

Well, you see, the buffalo
on this rare nickel's

lacing that way,

Yeah. See?

See there?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll be darned.

Yeah.

Hey, now mine's
facing the same way,

Darn you, Andy!

Well, Barney, l, lwas
just trying to show you

how easy 't'd be
for you to get taken,

Well, Ididn’t think
I was going to get taken

by my own friend
for heaven sakes.

Well, I’m sorry.
Let's just forget it.

Hi, Andy. Hi, Barney.

ANDY:
Oh, hi, Ellie.

This is Mr. Maxwell
from New York.

Mr. Maxwell, this is
our sheriff, Andy Taylor

and his deputy,
Barney Fife.

0h.

How do you
do, sir?

-How are you?
-Howdy.

Hello, Deputy.

You a salesman, are you?

Oh, no, no, this
isn't a sample case.

This is a portable
tape recorder.

Mr. Maxwell makes recordings of
folk songs all over the world,

He might want to do an album

with some of the people
around here.

Oh, well, | 'spect that'd tickle
everybody, don't you, Barney?

As a matter of fact, I stopped
in the drugstore to get a bite

to eat, and I got
to talking to Miss Walker,

and she said that possibly
you could steer me

to some of the talent
around here.

Oh, I wouldn't
be surprised.

Say, this the first time

I ever seen one of these
doohickeys in the flesh.

How do they work?

Well, let me give you
a demonstration.

Sheriff, have you got
an outlet around here?

Yeah, good place,
right over here,

Well, here's
the microphone.

All we have to do
is plug it in.

Got a mike
and everything.

-Turn it on.
-Huh.

Now, here, Deputy, you
hold that in your hand,

Now...

(machine starts up)

Now, go ahead,
say something

right into
the mike.

Go ahead,
Barney, say something.

Ahem.

(clearing his throat)

(coughing)

(awkward ly):
Uh, t-testing, one, two, hello?

Uh, say something official.

Something you say every day
as a deputy sheriff.

Oh, oh, yeah, that,

Of course.

Uh, ahem, uh...

Mayberry unit number one.

Uh, ahem, to all units.

Uh, roger and o-over.

Over and, uh,
and, over and under.

Uh, four-ten, ten-fou...

Uh, bye.

Well, that's
good enough.

Well, that thing
sure takes

the gumption out
of you, though.

Now, let‘s see
how you sound.

(high-pitched rewinding)

That's me?

No, that's the rewinding
of the tape.

Best not to play it
too loud.

You'll round up
every hog in the county.

Now, let's press
this button here

and listen
to Barney’s remarks.

Uh, all units,
uh, roger and...

and over, over and,
uh, over and under.

Uh...

Well, Deputy,
you just got a case

of mike fright.

It happens
to a lot of people.

Well, lain’t
much of a talker.

In my business, this baby
does my talkin' for me.

Why don't you sing
a song for Mr. Maxwell

and hear how it
comes out on tape?

Oh, no, I'm liable
to come out

all "uhs" like Barney.

You might as well,
Sheriff,

because if I make an album
and it sells

anybody who records for me

will get the standard
percentage fee,

Yeah?

Uh, Mr. Maxwell, I don't
reckon you'd be interested

in a small local band,

bunch of young fellas
and myself.

Got a banjer and guitars

and mandolins,
such as that in it?

Oh, itsounds great.

Oh, well,
good, good.

I'll just, I‘ll just get
on the phone

and call the boys up

and we‘ll meet you
over here

at Floyd's
Barbershop.

Barbershop?

Yeah, we play
in there

for Floyd
a whole lot.

He's the barber.

We call it
"Music to Snip By."

Say, uh, Mr. Maxwell

l, lthink I'm
over my mike fright now,

You got enough tape
left there

for a little "Que Sera, Sera.
Whatever Vlfill Be, Will Be?"

(plays harmonica)

Turn it on.

I'm ready any time
you are, SherEf.

Okay, now, I've been
a-braggin‘

on us a whole lot,

so let’s do it good
for Mr. Maxwell.

All right?

(playing bluegrass music)

I Used to have a old banjo J'

I It was all
strung up with twine J‘

I And the only song you
could hear me sing I

I Was "I Wish
That Gal Was Mine" J‘

J' Whoa, mule,
you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away I

J‘ Took my wife
to the barnyard J'

I And I set her down
to supper J‘

J‘ She got choked
on a turkey leg I

I And stuck her nose
in the butter J‘

J' Whoa, mule,
you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away I

J‘ Face is like a coffee pot,
your nose is like a spout J'

J' Your mouth is like
a fireplace J‘

I With all the ashes out I

J' Whoa, mule,
you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away I

J' Whoa, mule,
you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away I

J' Whoa, mule,
you kickin' mule J‘

J' Whoa, mule, I say I

J‘ I ain‘t got time to kiss you
now, my mule's a-run away“, I

(song changes)

J' What'cha gonna do when
the well runs dry, honejfl I

J' What'cha gonna do when
the well runs dry, babe? J‘

J' What'cha gonna do
when the well runs dry? I

I Set on the bank,
cry, cry. cry I

J' Honey, baby mine, I

Oh, lthought
that was extra good.

Oh, Andy, you and the boys
sounded wonderful.

Didn't they,
Mr. Maxwell?

If the rest of the folks
around here

sound as good as you,
I've got it made.

Say, Mr. Maxwell,
any time you're ready

for a little "Que Sera, Sera,"
just speak up.

Oh, yes, Deputy,
thanks. I will.

Well, lgot a little
sheriffin' to do.

I'll get on back
to the office.

Now, now, you call on the other
folks I told you about.

Thank you, Sheriff.

And thank you,
Miss Walker.

Oh. well you're
so welcome.

Bye-bye, boys.

We'll see you.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Maxwell.

FLOYD:
Very nice, boys.

Never better.

Well, that's quite
a cooperative sheriff

you've got there.

Yeah, he is.

Say, uh, tell me,
Mr. Maxwell.

This folk music album
you're putting together

is it really worth
all the fuss and bother?

Well, I think it is.

After expenses, I hope
to make 25 cents an album.

25 Cents!

Sound like
chicken feed to me.

Well, it's hardly
chicken feed.

Do you know that if an
album like this goes over

it can sell over
100,000 copies?

That’s $25,000 dollars
profit right there,

No, this has
good possibilities.

$25,000?

Well, suppose it sold
more than that?

Suppose it sold, uh.
a million copies?

Yeah, a million... we're
talking about, what's it?

25 cents, a hundred thou...

He said, a, a hundred.
Wait a minute.

Well, that‘s a quarter
of a million dollars.

You‘re making all that money
off our folk songs?

What do we get out of it?

Well, the performers get

the standard rate
of royalty.

Three cents a record.

What about us
that can't sing

or play an instrument
or anything like that?

Folk songs belong to us
just the same as the others,

Isn't that right, boys?

Well, yeah,
it's only fair.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm investing my own money
in this venture.

Well, then, let us
invest some money.

You mean, you want
to buy stock

in the enterprise?

ALL:
Right, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, no. lwouldn't want you
to risk your money.

Besides, I hadn't planned
on issuing any stock.

Well, plan on it,
plan on it.

You can't hog a whole million
dollars just to yourself.

Yeah, I've been looking
for a good investment.

Y' me, too.

And so have I.

Gentlemen,
are you sure?

ALL:
Yeah!

(all talking at once)

(whistling)

Mm-hmm,

Market was a little
bullish yesterday.

(stops whistling)

lndustrials up,

utilities moved ahead
in quiet trading,

Chemicals held firm.

Mm-hmm,

What'cha readin', Barney?

Oh, the stock market.

Now I bought into one stock

I might as well
buy into another.

What?

Well, the financial page
calls that "diversifyin"!

So, Barney Fife's
gonna diversify.

'Course, I don't suppose
you'd know

a whole lot about that,
would ya?

Want me
to explain it to ya?

(clears throat)

See, when you diversify,
why, you. . .

Barney, maybe
you’d better explain

something else first.

Did, uh, did
I hear you say

you bought
some stock?

That's right.

You thinkin'
of comin' in?

If you ain't a plunger

you better stay
out of it, boy,

You'll get killed.

Wh-what was it
you invested in?

It wasn‘t coin collectin',
I'll tell ya that.

All right, now,
what was it?

| sunk it in
the record business.

You sunk it in
the record business?

Mm-hmm,

How much
did you sink?

40 bucks.

It ought to turn over
a profit right quick,

When it does,
I diversify.

Now, when you
diversify. ..

Barney,
Barney, Barney...

where‘d you buy
this stock?

I bought into Mr. Maxwell‘s
folk song album.

I didn't know
that Mr. Maxwell

was sellin‘ any stock.

Well, he wasn't goin' to

but me and the boys over
at the barbershop,

we talked him into it.

You talked him into it?

Yeah.

See, when Maxwell
admitted that he could make

as much as a million dollars
on the album

me and the boys, we shamed him
into lettin’ us buy in.

Tried to talk
his way out of it

but we cornered
him good.

Barney, you know
you just fell

for the oldest slicker game
in the wottd, don't ya?

You don‘t see it,
do ya?

Well, it's like
they say.

Stock market's
where you separate

the men from the boys.

I'll see ya, boy.

Let me know next time
you come across

one of them rare nickels

with the buffalo facin'
the wrong way.

I should have sold him
that nickel.

Then at least had own somethin'
worth a nickel.

I don't see anything wrong with
people investing in his album.

If he sells it to
a big record company,

we all stand
to make a profit.

'We all stand"?

Ellie you,
uh, you didn't, uh...

Well, yes I did.

Aw, come on now.

Don't tell me you fell for that
con game of his, too.

Are you implying
Mr. Maxwell is dishonest?

I'm not implying
anything.

| just say when you see
a weasel‘s tracks,

lockup your hens.

Mr. Maxwell is no weasel.

He sounded perfectly
sinoere to me

when he first
walked in here

and I still
happen to believe him.

Well, you make itsound as
'rfl'm stupid and gullible.

Oh, no, Ellie, hey.

Ain't no reason for you to get
your pin feathers nrffled.

Uh, don‘t I... don't I get
a little whipped cream?

Golly.

Now, now, now,
now take it easy.

| just want to eat it.
I don't want to climb it.

You oughta be ashamed
of yourself, Andy,

starting suspicious rumors about
Mr. Maxwell.

Well, I'm just
doing myjob,

protecting the folks
here in Mayberry.

That's my duty
as sheriff, you know.

You wouldn‘t be a little bit
jealous of him, would you?

Jealous?

Well, why would
I be jealous?

Hi Paw. Hi Miss Ellie.

Oh, hi 0p.

Hi, honey.

-Ellie. ..
—Looks good, Paw.

Well, fine.
Hop up and have some.

Now, now look, Ellie.

I did n‘t come in here
to start a fight.

I suppose you think I’m
in cahoots with Mr. Maxwell.

Is that
what you think?

Idon't think any such thing.

What are you two
spattin' about?

Nothing.
Eat your sundae.

Now, tell him Andy.

Tell him how
suspicious you are.

How you don't trust anybody.

I trust people.
She just won't listen to reason.

I'll listen to reason,
but your father

-can't give me a single
good one. -Of course I can.

I'm just trying to tell her
to be careful of a stranger.

The stranger happens to be
a perfectly trustworthy man.

But she don't knowthat.

Well, l have no reason
to mistrust him.

Well, she's got no
reason to trust him...

I happen to know an honest face
when | see one.

How‘d you
get into this?

I don't know.

| just came in to have
some of your sundae

(playing bluegrass music)

(lwangy bluegrass)

(playing bluegrass)

(music ends)

(clicks switch)

Oh, that was wonderful,
boys, just wonderful.

Uh, they’re great,
Sheriff.

I'm glad you like ’em.

It's just the music
I was looking for, authentic.

And I've got you
to thank for it, Sheriff.

Uh, yeah.

We appreciate
you lettin‘ us

play for you.
Mr. Maxwell.

Well, thank you.

We appreciate you
lettin' us

buy stock in your
recording company, too.

Well, let's hope it
works well for all of us.

Well, thanks again, boys.

That'll be all
for tonight.

See ya, boys.

Night, Andy.

Good night, now.

You, uh,
figure these tapes

gonna really amount
to somethin', do ya?

I certainly hope so.

You know, right now
the market for folk music

is at its height.

And l have high hopes
that this project

is really gonna
take me places.

0h.

Say, Sheriff,

almost everyone
around here has

insisted on
becoming a partner.

Don’t you want
to come in, too?

Oh, no, no, no.

I guess I‘m just
not a plunger.

0h.

l was pushin' him
pretty hard last night

when I got him
to admit that

he's gonna round up
everythin‘ he can get here

and then it's
bye-bye Mayberry

and bye-bye
your money, too.

Oh, that don't
make sense, Andy.

Why should he let
on to you, the sheriff

that he was intendin'
to skip town

with our money?
Huh? Whjfl

ALL:
Yeah, why? Why?

He-he—he didn't exactly let on
to anything.

It's just I can
see through

all that fake
honesty.

He even tried to
sell me some stock.

But I turned him
down fiat.

If you're that suspicious
of this fella,

why don't we call him

and have ourselves a little
talk with him?

That's a
good idea, Floyd.

Excuse me.

Hello, Sarah?

This is official.

Get me the hotel
right away.

(quietly):
Barney Fife.

We'll soon see

just how much
grounds you have

for suspectin'
him, Andy.

If you ask me,
with you I think

it's just a case
of sour grapes.

Yeah, he-hello,
Jason?

Ring me Mr. Maxwell‘s
room right away.

(quietly):
Barney Fife.

Just plain sour grapes,
that's all it is.

We're all in this thing

but you ain't,
so you just...

Wh-What?

What‘d you say,
Jason?

0h.

What is it,
Barnejfl

Mr. Maxwell checked out
this morning.

(gasps):
He skipped!

What?

MAN:
We been took.

Another buffalo
pointin' the wrong way.

All right, Sergeant.

If you was to spot him,

I'd appreciate you
lettin' me know.

All right. Yes, sir.

Well, he's not
in Raleigh.

Now, now where in
the wortd

could Maxwell
have disappeared to

in six hours?

(all yelling)

All right Quiet!
Quiet down, everybody!

Now this is law man's work.

We'll get him.

We'll put out
an all points bulletin.

We'll set up roadblocks
everywhere.

I'll get him.
I'll track him down

if it takes forever.

And then I'm gonna bring him in
alive, Andy.

Because this boy‘s mine.

(all talking angrily)

(men yelling)

Well, I hope you‘re
satisfied, Sheriff.

You've incited
this entire town

against Mr. Maxwell.

Well, he did the incitin'
when he left.

But you still don‘t know
that he's done anything wrong.

Anything wrong?

He stole $40 of mine.

Oh, stop it.

He didn‘t steal anything.

You gave it to him to invest.

He took off
with our money.

-He skipped town.
-He stole it!

But how do you know
he won't be back?

We're wastin'
time talkin'.

Sheriff, let's get
on with it.

(men yelling)

If we didn't we'd have
stayed in the barber shop!

Hold-Hold on, hold on.

Now, I knew there
was something phony

about the fella to start with,

but you was all so anxious
to throw your money away

you wouldn't
listen to anybody.

Now let‘s just quiet down

and see if we can't
handle this

in an orderly way.

We want
our money back!

(all yelling)

We'll get him.

(sighs)

Miss Walker.

Mr. Maxwell...

why, I heard
you've left town.

I did. I went to Richmond.

But I'm back with good news.

Here. Look at this.

I sold the album
to National Records.

That‘s the
signed contract.

And here's the little something
that goes with it.

A certified check for... $5,000?

That’s just the advance payment.

This is wonderful.
Just wonderful!

Isn't it?

No, I mean it‘s more
wonderful than you know.

Wouldn‘t you like
to report this

to your stockholders?

I know where they
happen to be right now.

Oh, good.

Say, can you imagine
the look on their faces?

Yes, loan just imagine.
Come on.

Now, he could
have taken

this road
right here

to get up to
the state highway

But you're talkin'
about cars!

You keep thinking he‘s
driving out of here.

All right, now
come on.

You fellas
are interferin'

with police
operations.

Now get.

Go on,
get outta here

let us do
some work.

Go on.

lnterferin'
with police oper...

(gaSPS)

What's the matter
with you, Floyd?

It‘s him,
Maxwell.

-Maxwell?
>What?

He's comin‘ this way.

Well, the killer
returns

to the scene of
the crime, huh?

Yeah, this ought
to be interesting.

Everybody just
act natural.

Oh, all right.

ANDY:
Well, Mr. Maxwell.

Didn‘t expect to
see you so soon.

Oh, no, we didn't.

Well, as a matter
of fact neither did I.

Come back for
more money, did you?

Well, money was one of
the reasons I came back.

Here, Sheriff,
read this.

Oh, I don't
have to.

Why, I'm sure the people
around here

is pleased with the way
you let 'em invest their money.

They‘re just champin'
at the bit to put in more

ain't ya, boys?

(all agreeing)

But Sheriff, don't you even want
to look at the contract?

Oh, ldon't have to.

There ain't no real need.

Why, the folks
around here tmst you.

Ain't that
right, boys?

(all agree)

I must say this is
one of the fanciest

outfits I ever did see.

Go! all
the whereases

and heretofores
and theretos

and
the National Record...

National Records?!

ELLIE:
They bought our folk song album.

Show him the check,
Mr. Maxwell.

Oh, yes.
of course.

ELLIE:
What's the matter, Andy?

A cat got
your tongue?

I'll read it.

Certified
$5,000.

Eh, certified?

Certified.
Certi. ..

Five thou...!

MAXWELL:
That's our first dividend.

Miss Walker can
put it in the bank.

And now, gentlemen,
I'm going up to New York

to get our album
rolling.

And you owe it all
to your sheriff.

Huh?

Well, after all,
you were the one

who steered me
to all that talent.

And the numbers you
did with the band

turned out to be
very big.

Well, now I'd better get
our company moving.

In the meantime

I'll send you
monthly reports.

And your dividend check,
of course.

Thanks again, Sheriff.

(all saying good-bye)

And to think
it all happened

because of
our sheriff.

Don‘t you think
he deserves

a nice, big
pat on the back?

(all agreeing)

Oh, it's just beautiful, Andy.

Barneyll like that.

He's a stockholder,
you know.

Shh. He's diversifying.

(whistling sprightly tune)