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1
00:00:01,208 --> 00:00:03,166
I think you have a real future
in the religious markets.
2
00:00:03,250 --> 00:00:03,834
Really?
3
00:00:04,375 --> 00:00:06,000
I loved that Jesus raised
Lazarus from the dead.
4
00:00:06,083 --> 00:00:07,166
Maybe Lazarus wanted to be dead.
5
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:10,000
Can you imagine if Jesus raised
him and Lazarus came up like...
6
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:13,875
-"Oh, man!"
-(LAUGHTER)
7
00:00:14,542 --> 00:00:16,458
Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers.
8
00:00:16,542 --> 00:00:18,208
Some comics are gonna
get together and watch.
9
00:00:18,291 --> 00:00:19,208
-And like--
-(SHUSHING)
10
00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:20,667
ALI REISSEN: (ON TV) They're
like, "Uh, you're glowing.
11
00:00:20,875 --> 00:00:22,709
-I'm like, "Well...
-Do not shush me.
12
00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,583
Stop it! Tonight was about Ali.
13
00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:27,667
I'll let you go--
go back to her.
14
00:00:27,750 --> 00:00:29,792
-You're a shitty boyfriend.
-Okay.
15
00:00:29,875 --> 00:00:31,792
And you're
an even shittier comic.
16
00:00:32,375 --> 00:00:34,333
Kat and I just had
a really big fight.
17
00:00:34,417 --> 00:00:35,667
I really am sorry.
18
00:00:35,750 --> 00:00:37,875
♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
19
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,250
Man:
One, two, three, four.
20
00:00:47,333 --> 00:00:49,500
(bluegrass melody playing)
21
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:53,917
Voices:
♪ Oh, how glad and happy
when we meet ♪
22
00:00:54,458 --> 00:00:57,542
♪ I'll fly away ♪
23
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,000
(bluegrass continuing)
24
00:00:59,083 --> 00:01:03,834
♪ No more cold
iron shackles on my feet ♪
25
00:01:03,917 --> 00:01:07,125
♪ I'll fly away ♪
26
00:01:08,542 --> 00:01:13,166
♪ I'll fly away, oh glory ♪
27
00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:17,875
-♪ I'll fly away ♪
-♪ In the morning ♪
28
00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:22,667
♪ When I die,
Hallelujah by and by ♪
29
00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:26,542
♪ I'll fly away ♪
30
00:01:27,375 --> 00:01:32,041
♪ I'll fly away, oh glory ♪
31
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,709
♪ I'll fly away ♪
32
00:01:34,792 --> 00:01:36,875
♪ In the morning ♪
33
00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,583
♪ When I die... ♪
34
00:01:38,667 --> 00:01:40,417
(laughter)
35
00:01:41,417 --> 00:01:43,750
I was watching a James Bond
movie recently,
36
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:46,667
and James Bond had his gun
pointed at the bad guy, right?
37
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:48,041
He had him in the corner.
38
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,625
And the bad guy had
one last line, and he goes,
39
00:01:50,709 --> 00:01:52,208
"See you in Hell!"
40
00:01:52,291 --> 00:01:53,875
-(laughter)
-And James Bond,
he's always
41
00:01:53,959 --> 00:01:55,542
supposed to have
a good retort, right?
42
00:01:55,625 --> 00:01:57,542
And he goes, "You first."
43
00:01:57,625 --> 00:01:59,458
(laughter)
44
00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:04,500
Uh... Is that a good comeback?
45
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,834
(laughter)
46
00:02:09,417 --> 00:02:12,208
James Bond is going to Hell?
47
00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:15,083
And knows he's going to Hell?
48
00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:17,166
And isn't concerned?
49
00:02:17,250 --> 00:02:19,083
He's just like, "Yeah,
50
00:02:19,166 --> 00:02:23,208
but you'll be there
a little bit before I'm there."
51
00:02:23,291 --> 00:02:24,917
(laughter)
52
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:27,834
It's not a good comeback.
He should be like,
"See you in Hell!"
53
00:02:27,917 --> 00:02:30,083
James Bond
should be like, "No!"
54
00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:32,375
(laughter)
55
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:34,083
"Uh-uh!
56
00:02:34,583 --> 00:02:37,208
I have the love of Jesus
in my h-e-a-r-t!"
57
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,333
Bang!
That's a better comeback.
58
00:02:39,417 --> 00:02:41,166
(cheers and applause)
59
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,417
How pissed would you be
60
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,083
if you were murdered
and went to Hell
61
00:02:49,166 --> 00:02:51,500
and saw the guy
who murdered you?
62
00:02:52,125 --> 00:02:53,625
You're down there forever,
and you're like,
63
00:02:53,709 --> 00:02:56,125
"Yeah, I was a bad guy,
but another guy--
64
00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:59,166
actually that guy right
over there, he shot me.
65
00:02:59,250 --> 00:03:00,250
(laughter)
66
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:02,208
Hi! Remember me?
67
00:03:02,959 --> 00:03:04,375
You shot me!
68
00:03:04,458 --> 00:03:07,375
Yeah... (laughs),
but here we are.
69
00:03:07,458 --> 00:03:11,250
-(laughter)
-Together again."
70
00:03:11,333 --> 00:03:13,375
You guys were amazing.
Thank you so much.
71
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:14,500
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
72
00:03:14,583 --> 00:03:16,500
-Yeah, have
a good night.
-Bye.
73
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:18,709
Pete. Pete.
74
00:03:25,208 --> 00:03:27,625
-Hey. Great show.
-Hey. Thank you.
75
00:03:27,709 --> 00:03:29,792
Marcie, this
has been amazing.
76
00:03:29,875 --> 00:03:31,458
Some of the best crowds
I've ever had in my life,
77
00:03:31,542 --> 00:03:34,792
and I'm signing autographs
like Kevin James did at TCBY.
78
00:03:34,875 --> 00:03:36,792
-Well, everybody loves you.
-Thank you.
79
00:03:36,875 --> 00:03:39,875
How do you feel
about doing morning
radio tomorrow?
80
00:03:40,917 --> 00:03:42,291
-Really? Just me?
-Yes!
81
00:03:42,375 --> 00:03:45,166
We need somebody
with the gift of gab,
and that's you.
82
00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,667
Marcie, I would love
to do morning--
83
00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:48,917
That's my first
morning radio.
84
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,834
Cool! Oh, um,
I was just wondering
85
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:54,250
if you'd had a chance
to look at your contract.
86
00:03:54,750 --> 00:03:56,375
I signed it, yeah.
Did you get it?
87
00:03:56,458 --> 00:03:58,917
My manager's kind of--
he's not great.
88
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:02,500
Well, I'm sure it was
just a slip of the tongue,
89
00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:05,583
but you said "pissed"
on stage tonight.
90
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,750
-I did?
-Yeah.
91
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:10,000
-You're absolutely--
Yeah...
-Yeah.
92
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,000
...I did not mean to do that.
Is that something I shouldn't--
93
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:13,125
I shouldn't do that?
94
00:04:13,208 --> 00:04:15,500
No, no. It's a bodily
function, yeah,
95
00:04:15,583 --> 00:04:17,875
so, you know,
it's in that contract.
96
00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:20,458
Oh, I'm-- I'm so sorry.
I'll read the contract,
97
00:04:20,542 --> 00:04:22,959
but I don't normally do jokes
like that, so that was just--
98
00:04:23,041 --> 00:04:24,959
Yeah. No, that's great.
Okay, good. Thank you.
99
00:04:25,041 --> 00:04:26,542
And you know what?
Everybody loves it
100
00:04:26,625 --> 00:04:28,041
when you talk
about your faith.
101
00:04:28,125 --> 00:04:30,125
So talk about
my faith more?
102
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:32,583
Yes, yes. We love it when
you talk about your faith.
103
00:04:32,667 --> 00:04:34,000
You should stick
with that.
104
00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:36,542
Yeah.
I-- I wanna make sure
I'm giving them the show
105
00:04:36,625 --> 00:04:38,375
-that they want
to see, and--
-Right.
106
00:04:38,458 --> 00:04:40,166
Well, I will see you
bright and early in the morning.
107
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:43,000
-I'm so excited. Thank you.
-Okay? Get some shut-eye.
108
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,875
I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go
to bed right now.
109
00:04:44,959 --> 00:04:47,125
(laughing)
You might have some
more autographs.
110
00:04:47,208 --> 00:04:48,417
I see people lining up.
111
00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:49,875
Thank you, Marcie.
Sorry again!
112
00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:51,542
That's all right.
Just keep to it.
113
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,917
-Okay.
-Good night.
114
00:04:56,041 --> 00:04:57,709
But as you know...
115
00:04:57,792 --> 00:05:01,291
our Lord and Savior
was crucified and buried,
116
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:03,667
and on the third day...
117
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:06,417
-Oh! Oh! (laughs)
-...He rose.
118
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:07,834
You can pass
your finger around
119
00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:09,458
and make sure there's
no threads or anything.
120
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,000
-Really?
-Yeah.
121
00:05:11,834 --> 00:05:14,250
(laughter)
122
00:05:14,333 --> 00:05:15,875
Kat (over phone):
Are you fucking
kidding me?
123
00:05:15,959 --> 00:05:17,166
You can't text
a break-up.
124
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,792
I said,
"We need to talk."
125
00:05:18,875 --> 00:05:21,125
"We need to talk" is
I'm going to break up
with you,
126
00:05:21,208 --> 00:05:24,166
and then you
beat me to it with
this fucking text?
127
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:26,458
What kind
of limp-dick fuck
would do that?
128
00:05:28,542 --> 00:05:30,166
You all right
down there?
129
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:33,208
(sighing):
Yeah.
130
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,291
Though I think I just
broke up with my girlfriend.
131
00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:39,667
Yeah, man, I hear that.
132
00:05:40,834 --> 00:05:42,500
Which is weird
'cause, I mean, I was...
133
00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:44,709
I was crazy about her.
134
00:05:45,250 --> 00:05:48,083
Now I feel like I was dating
someone I didn't even know.
135
00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:49,083
John:
Hmm.
136
00:05:49,166 --> 00:05:50,709
You ever break up
with somebody
137
00:05:50,792 --> 00:05:52,208
and then you figure out
who they are?
138
00:05:52,291 --> 00:05:54,917
(laughing):
Yeah, I know exactly
what you mean.
139
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,458
But as long as you
know who you are
140
00:05:56,542 --> 00:05:59,291
and that relationship got you
closer to figuring that out,
141
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:00,917
then you're good.
142
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,500
You know, sometimes
we don't know what...
143
00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:04,917
what's going on, but God does.
144
00:06:07,375 --> 00:06:08,500
Yeah.
145
00:06:10,166 --> 00:06:12,291
Cindy (on radio):
So Lester,
lots of news today.
146
00:06:12,375 --> 00:06:14,959
A Mexican restaurant
caught fire the other day.
147
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,083
Lester:
Would you describe it
as a mild fire?
148
00:06:17,166 --> 00:06:19,166
Cindy:
Weird, I thought
it would be chili.
149
00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:21,667
Lester: Ah! They really
need to cool it with
those habaneros.
150
00:06:21,750 --> 00:06:23,000
Hey, careful,
that plate's hot!
151
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,291
I just don't know
what I'm going to say.
152
00:06:25,375 --> 00:06:28,500
Oh, just go in there
and let your light shine.
153
00:06:28,583 --> 00:06:29,875
I can do that.
154
00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:31,500
-Yeah?
-I can.
155
00:06:31,583 --> 00:06:33,208
-Pete?
-Yes.
156
00:06:33,291 --> 00:06:34,959
-They're ready for you.
-Great.
157
00:06:35,041 --> 00:06:36,166
You stay here.
158
00:06:36,250 --> 00:06:38,792
I'll stay here and listen.
I'm so excited.
159
00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:41,000
-Okay, like my mom
at the dentist. Love you.
-(laughs): Yeah.
160
00:06:41,083 --> 00:06:43,125
Lester:
I had the biggest poop
the other day.
161
00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:45,417
I swear, it looked
like the letter Q.
162
00:06:46,625 --> 00:06:48,542
-This is Pete Holmes.
-Oh hi, Pete.
163
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:49,667
-Oh, hey.
-Hello.
164
00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:50,834
Hey, I'm Lester.
165
00:06:50,917 --> 00:06:52,333
Cool, nice to meet you.
166
00:06:52,417 --> 00:06:54,000
-This is Cindy.
-Hi, nice to meet you.
167
00:06:54,083 --> 00:06:55,667
That's you in that
chair, right there.
168
00:06:55,750 --> 00:06:56,834
Have a seat.
169
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,458
This is what
you guys look like.
170
00:06:58,542 --> 00:07:00,208
-Yeah, it is.
-Yeah, this is us.
171
00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:01,500
Lester:
Be it as it may.
Uh...
172
00:07:01,583 --> 00:07:03,458
We go on the air
in about 40 seconds,
173
00:07:03,542 --> 00:07:05,000
so, what are
we promoting today?
174
00:07:05,083 --> 00:07:07,834
Um, I'm promoting
the Good Faith Variety Tour.
175
00:07:07,917 --> 00:07:08,875
-Oh.
-And what is that?
176
00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,458
It's a Christian
variety show.
177
00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,291
I'm a comedian--
um, a Christian comedian.
178
00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:13,834
Lester:
A Christian comedian?
179
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:16,166
Don't tell me anymore.
I wanna make fun of that
on the air.
180
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:17,875
What, uh--
181
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,750
Yeah, those are
your headphones,
put those on.
182
00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:21,500
Your mic volume is
down below.
183
00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:23,834
Your cough button's there,
that will mute your mic.
184
00:07:23,917 --> 00:07:26,083
Z88.7, The Rock of Charleston.
185
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:27,709
It's your old buddy Lester
reminding you
186
00:07:27,792 --> 00:07:28,792
that the best defense
187
00:07:28,875 --> 00:07:30,083
is a good offensive, so...
188
00:07:30,166 --> 00:07:32,041
if you struggle with foot odor
like I used to--
189
00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:33,166
Oh boy, don't I know it.
190
00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:34,709
Yeah, attack it
with Dr. Scholl's
191
00:07:34,792 --> 00:07:36,375
Odor-X odor-fighting
foot powder.
192
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:37,959
It's great.
Ask for it by name.
193
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,458
-(bell dings)
-All right, do it to it. Now...
194
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,500
I'm very excited to have this
guy in studio with us.
195
00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,208
-Cindy: Yes.
-First time he's joined us.
196
00:07:43,291 --> 00:07:45,875
-He's a comedian, but he's
a Christian comedian.
-Cindy: Oh!
197
00:07:45,959 --> 00:07:47,500
Yeah, can you think
about that?
198
00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:50,083
-That's like
a Christian stripper.
-(laughter)
199
00:07:50,166 --> 00:07:53,250
-Well, you know, it--
-Let's welcome
Pete Holmes. Pete.
200
00:07:53,333 --> 00:07:54,792
Thank you. Thank you.
201
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,792
You gotta help me out.
I can't wrap my head around
202
00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:59,875
-Christian comedian.
What's going on with that?
-Pete: Oh, you know, it's, uh--
203
00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,333
-I'm here for
the Good Faith Variety Tour.
-Lester: Mm-hmm.
204
00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:04,083
Uh, we have ventriloquists,
we have musicians.
205
00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:05,917
-It's a great, great show.
-Lester: Cool, cool.
206
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,291
We have a game we like
to play where we figure out
your porno name.
207
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:11,208
Cindy:
Ooh, yeah, he's gonna be
really good at this, Lester.
208
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,583
Uh, I don't know
if I want to--
209
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,917
It's really easy.
The ground rules are as follows.
210
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,291
All we need is the name
of the street you grew up on
211
00:08:17,375 --> 00:08:19,041
and the nickname
you have for your junk.
212
00:08:19,125 --> 00:08:21,583
And you put that together,
that's your porno name.
213
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:23,083
-Pete: I don't know...
-Cindy: This is good.
214
00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:25,041
You're gonna like this.
I'm Oak Thundernuggins.
215
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,500
Yeah, and I'm Pleasant Clambake.
216
00:08:27,583 --> 00:08:30,542
I mean, I don't really...
217
00:08:31,792 --> 00:08:33,458
Bloomfield...
218
00:08:33,542 --> 00:08:34,834
Testes.
219
00:08:34,917 --> 00:08:36,834
-Lester (on radio):
That works. I like that.
-Oh Lord.
220
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:40,083
-Can I say testes on the radio?
-You did, it's great.
221
00:08:40,166 --> 00:08:41,792
Tell us more
about your show.
222
00:08:41,875 --> 00:08:43,291
Pete:
Well, uh, yeah.
223
00:08:43,375 --> 00:08:46,625
-There's singing, there's music.
-Okay, but what about praying?
224
00:08:46,709 --> 00:08:49,250
This is what I've always
wanted to know. Do you pray?
225
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:51,208
Yeah, I pray.
226
00:08:51,291 --> 00:08:53,709
Cindy:
But what about,
like during the show?
227
00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:57,125
Nobody prays during the show.
228
00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:59,083
No, there's no prayer
in the show.
229
00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:01,125
It's just a show,
it's a regular show.
230
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,750
But, you know, I pray
before the show.
231
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,208
-Did you pray
before this show?
-I did.
232
00:09:05,291 --> 00:09:06,709
-How's that working?
-(laughing) Yeah.
233
00:09:06,792 --> 00:09:08,625
-I hope it's going okay.
-(laughter)
234
00:09:08,709 --> 00:09:12,166
I-- I mean, I pray before
the show because I'm grateful.
235
00:09:12,250 --> 00:09:15,834
I'm really grateful that I feel
like I found my new family,
236
00:09:15,917 --> 00:09:18,875
and to be part of a tour
that's, uh, bigger--
237
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,375
-bigger than myself, and...
-Cindy: Yeah.
238
00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:21,917
...and to be
in the joy business.
239
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,500
And when I'm on stage,
I really feel God
working through me,
240
00:09:24,583 --> 00:09:26,041
and that's a really
exciting feeling.
241
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:28,875
-Something that I'm
very passionate about.
-That's my boy.
242
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:32,166
-Lester: Well,
Hallelujah? Hallelujah!
-Cindy: Hallelujah, yeah.
243
00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:34,166
Hey, I'm getting a note here.
Our other guest is here.
244
00:09:34,250 --> 00:09:35,875
-You wanna bring her in?
-Oh, yeah!
245
00:09:35,959 --> 00:09:37,834
-Yeah, maybe she can help
make sense of all of this.
-Oh, please.
246
00:09:37,917 --> 00:09:40,166
So, she's a regular.
Whenever she's in town,
247
00:09:40,250 --> 00:09:42,041
she loves to come by
and we love to have her.
248
00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:44,291
Ladies and gentlemen,
Jessica Kirson is here.
249
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,375
-She's here now--
-Here she is.
250
00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:48,166
-Here she is. Look at her.
-I know you.
251
00:09:48,250 --> 00:09:50,583
Hey! Whoa! I know you!
How are you?
252
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:51,917
-How you doing?
-Nice to see you.
253
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,500
Oh, really?
You two know each other?
254
00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:56,208
Yeah, we're comics
from New York, so
we all know each other.
255
00:09:56,291 --> 00:09:59,208
-Cindy: Oh, no kidding?
-Plus, we go to the same
lesbian hair stylist.
256
00:09:59,291 --> 00:10:00,792
(laughs)
It's true.
257
00:10:00,875 --> 00:10:02,792
Nice to have you here.
I love that you stop by
258
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:04,709
every time you
come through town.
How are you doing?
259
00:10:04,792 --> 00:10:06,917
-Oh, I'm exhausted
right now.
-Lester: Sure.
260
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,959
But I'm very grateful
that you had me on,
261
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:10,208
and hopefully, like,
two more people
262
00:10:10,291 --> 00:10:11,750
will come to my show
because of it.
263
00:10:11,834 --> 00:10:14,709
-Let's shoot for three.
Big time.
-(laughing) Let's do it.
264
00:10:14,792 --> 00:10:17,083
You're always full
of jokes, Lester.
265
00:10:17,166 --> 00:10:18,375
(laughing):
I hate that hat.
266
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:20,959
(laughs)
You've always hated my hat.
267
00:10:21,041 --> 00:10:22,667
It's horrible. I mean,
it really, it looks like,
268
00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:24,750
like an old bra of mine
from the '70s.
269
00:10:24,834 --> 00:10:27,291
-It's like a dog toy.
-Is it too early for you
to do a character?
270
00:10:27,375 --> 00:10:29,834
Oh, she's gotta do one.
Jessica, you're so good.
271
00:10:29,917 --> 00:10:32,375
-Really? I mean, I don't--
-Cindy: Yes! We love them!
272
00:10:32,458 --> 00:10:33,750
Okay, I mean...
273
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,500
Could you do
the annoying white girl?
It's my favorite.
274
00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,375
(high-pitched, nasally voice):
No, it's not too early.
275
00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:39,709
I'll do it anytime, because
if it's gonna sell tickets,
I'll really do it,
276
00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:41,583
because I just want
people to show up
that are gonna buy tickets.
277
00:10:41,667 --> 00:10:43,959
Like, seriously,
that's all I care about is
that people buy tickets.
278
00:10:44,041 --> 00:10:45,750
(babbling)
279
00:10:45,834 --> 00:10:48,625
-(whining)
-(laughing)
280
00:10:48,709 --> 00:10:52,000
Oh, I wish we could go on,
but we gotta go to break.
281
00:10:52,083 --> 00:10:54,083
I wanna thank you guys
for showing up.
282
00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:56,291
Jessica Kirson tonight
at Theater 99,
283
00:10:56,375 --> 00:10:58,083
downtown Charleston.
Tickets still available?
284
00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:00,583
-Yes!
-And Pete Holmes...
of the Good Faith Variety Show,
285
00:11:00,667 --> 00:11:02,208
this afternoon at 6 p.m.
286
00:11:02,291 --> 00:11:04,917
That's at the United
Fellowship Church.
Check it out.
287
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:06,917
We gotta go to break,
we'll be back.
Thank you, guys!
288
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,709
-We're back after this.
-Thank you!
289
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:12,208
Guys, that was great.
Really funny stuff.
Thank you so much.
290
00:11:12,291 --> 00:11:14,500
Hey, do you want to go
get something to eat?
291
00:11:14,583 --> 00:11:15,750
I would love to.
292
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:18,333
(blues music playing)
293
00:11:37,041 --> 00:11:39,834
-You want hot sauce?
-No, thank you.
294
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:44,291
Fucking good. Wow.
295
00:11:44,375 --> 00:11:46,667
Yeah, it really is.
296
00:11:47,542 --> 00:11:50,583
So, Christian show?
297
00:11:51,709 --> 00:11:54,250
-Okay, listen, it's like--
-I'm not judging you at all.
298
00:11:54,333 --> 00:11:56,500
It's just,
the last time I saw you,
299
00:11:56,583 --> 00:12:00,000
you were with a tall blonde,
schlepping around
a huge bag of dildos.
300
00:12:00,083 --> 00:12:03,083
-Yeah, I'm, you know,
branching out.
-Oh.
301
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:04,667
Some nights,
I'm dildo Santa Claus,
302
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:06,625
other nights,
I do, you know,
Christian shows.
303
00:12:06,709 --> 00:12:09,500
I have no problem
with dildos or blondes.
304
00:12:09,583 --> 00:12:12,208
I just didn't know you
were religious like that.
305
00:12:12,917 --> 00:12:14,417
I'm-- I'm not. I...
306
00:12:15,083 --> 00:12:16,250
I mean, I...
307
00:12:16,750 --> 00:12:18,917
That's how
I was raised, and...
308
00:12:20,291 --> 00:12:21,625
It's so nice.
309
00:12:21,709 --> 00:12:23,166
It's so nice.
You should see.
310
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:26,166
We have a tour bus,
we get our own bunks.
311
00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,375
I play big theaters now
with fans and...
312
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:30,458
-Awesome.
-...sign autographs.
313
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,375
Everybody's friendly.
314
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,375
And the money, I mean...
315
00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,333
Listen, you don't have
to sell me.
316
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:41,291
I totally get it,
but now I'm dying to know
317
00:12:41,375 --> 00:12:42,583
how much money?
318
00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:44,667
It's a thousand dollars a show.
319
00:12:44,750 --> 00:12:48,166
I would sell my soul
to Jesus for that.
320
00:12:48,250 --> 00:12:50,041
-He doesn't buy souls.
-(laughs)
321
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:51,709
-The devil--
-I don't know him at all.
322
00:12:51,792 --> 00:12:54,000
It's either fiddle contests
or cash with the devil.
323
00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:56,166
-Got it.
-But Jesus, it's just
a handshake agreement.
324
00:12:56,250 --> 00:12:58,375
He just says,
"Welcome aboard,"
and then you're good.
325
00:12:58,458 --> 00:13:00,709
-Okay.
-I don't know, I thought
you would think I'm a sellout.
326
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:02,291
I kind of feel
like a-- Am I?
327
00:13:02,375 --> 00:13:05,041
No, I don't--
I would never think that.
328
00:13:05,125 --> 00:13:06,667
You're a fucking entertainer.
329
00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,250
If you're making money,
good money, then you
should do it.
330
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:14,583
That's such a relief.
When you walked
into the radio station,
331
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:16,583
I felt like
I was getting busted
by the cool kids.
332
00:13:16,667 --> 00:13:18,875
I thought you
were gonna report
back to The Cellar
333
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:20,375
what a fucking phoney--
334
00:13:20,458 --> 00:13:24,083
No, I am the last person
that would ever judge
you for that.
335
00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:25,417
I was just in Israel.
336
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:28,375
I did shows
for ultra-Orthodox people,
337
00:13:28,458 --> 00:13:30,125
and, I mean,
do you think I told them
338
00:13:30,208 --> 00:13:32,750
that I'm a lesbian
or that, you know,
339
00:13:32,834 --> 00:13:35,250
I have a kid
or that I'm not religious?
340
00:13:35,333 --> 00:13:38,250
No, I just keep it to myself
and I make the money.
341
00:13:38,333 --> 00:13:39,709
I'm a business person.
342
00:13:39,792 --> 00:13:41,250
You don't feel
like a sellout?
343
00:13:41,333 --> 00:13:45,291
No. I don't do anything
that will keep me up at night.
344
00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,959
Everyone needs to just decide
what line they won't cross,
345
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:51,500
and you need to decide
that for yourself.
346
00:13:52,417 --> 00:13:54,750
I don't know.
I'm overthinking it.
347
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,000
I think you are, too.
348
00:13:56,083 --> 00:13:58,542
Listen, you're making
50 dollars a minute.
349
00:13:58,625 --> 00:14:01,500
I mean, who gives a shit
what anyone thinks?
350
00:14:01,583 --> 00:14:02,709
(chuckling)
Yeah.
351
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:04,458
Why don't you complain
to the line cook,
352
00:14:04,542 --> 00:14:06,792
and let him fucking
fry your hand?
353
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:08,542
(laughing)
354
00:14:09,166 --> 00:14:10,792
You're paying for this.
355
00:14:10,875 --> 00:14:12,959
Oh, thank you.
Everything was incredible.
356
00:14:13,041 --> 00:14:15,125
Jesus has this one covered.
357
00:14:15,208 --> 00:14:17,041
♪ It's smooth ♪
358
00:14:20,375 --> 00:14:21,959
Oh my God!
359
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:24,333
-Look!
-(laughing)
360
00:14:24,417 --> 00:14:26,208
Look at all
these tchotchkes.
361
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:28,542
What? A bunch
of tchotchkes?
362
00:14:32,834 --> 00:14:35,375
-Can I ask you something?
-Sure.
363
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:37,792
-What?
-(snickering)
364
00:14:37,875 --> 00:14:40,208
-It's a lesbian question.
-Of course it is.
365
00:14:40,291 --> 00:14:43,583
I love when straight, white men
use me as Dyke Google.
366
00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:48,709
I'm just curious.
It's like, do lesbians
care about...
367
00:14:50,291 --> 00:14:51,959
-tightness?
-(laughs)
368
00:14:52,041 --> 00:14:53,834
Do you sit around and go,
"I went on a date.
369
00:14:53,917 --> 00:14:56,291
Oh, she was so--
she was so tight?"
370
00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,667
No!
371
00:14:57,750 --> 00:14:59,333
No, I mean, we're--
372
00:14:59,417 --> 00:15:02,625
I feel like men are
so obsessed with the grip.
373
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:04,333
I-- I could care less.
374
00:15:04,417 --> 00:15:06,709
In fact, the more
open and wide it is,
375
00:15:06,792 --> 00:15:09,709
the more I just put in there,
you know, like a toe or a foot.
376
00:15:09,792 --> 00:15:11,792
-Pete: Oh my God.
-Jessica: My cat.
377
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:14,333
-Oh, God.
-Just shove everything in.
378
00:15:14,417 --> 00:15:16,917
-Pete: Yeah. The remote.
-Yeah. (laughing)
379
00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:23,959
I know this is weird to say,
but that horse has a great ass.
380
00:15:24,458 --> 00:15:26,917
-He does a lot of cardio.
-(laughing)
381
00:15:28,834 --> 00:15:30,583
This is me coming up.
382
00:15:31,792 --> 00:15:33,875
This was fun,
really fun.
383
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:38,875
I... obviously didn't expect
to run into anyone I knew, so...
384
00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:40,500
It was great for me.
Thank you.
385
00:15:40,583 --> 00:15:43,125
I would've sat
in my hotel room
all day and night.
386
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:45,208
Me, too.
Just waiting for the show.
387
00:15:45,291 --> 00:15:46,417
Yeah.
388
00:15:47,083 --> 00:15:49,458
-I will see
you around.
-Yes.
389
00:15:49,542 --> 00:15:51,875
Hey. With your thing,
390
00:15:51,959 --> 00:15:54,875
do what you want on stage,
just make sure
391
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:59,125
that you're not funnier
offstage than you are onstage.
392
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,125
Thanks.
393
00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:09,542
-Bye, Jessie.
-Bye.
394
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,291
(bluegrass music playing)
395
00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,667
(phone vibrating)
396
00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:36,166
(music ends)
397
00:16:37,125 --> 00:16:39,041
-Sounds really good.
-Thanks, Pete.
398
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:42,917
Hey, so you guys
got my e-mail about
the schedule change, right?
399
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,542
-Yeah, thanks.
-Great.
400
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:45,917
Hi.
401
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:47,291
How was breakfast?
402
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:49,250
It was wonderful.
You should've come.
403
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:52,709
Oh, well, your friend is
a little too...
404
00:16:53,375 --> 00:16:55,250
New York-y for my taste.
405
00:16:55,792 --> 00:16:57,875
-Yeah, um...
-But interesting.
406
00:16:59,542 --> 00:17:03,500
Yeah, she's-- she's
from New Jersey, I think.
407
00:17:04,542 --> 00:17:05,959
But, yeah.
408
00:17:06,041 --> 00:17:07,208
Knock 'em dead.
409
00:17:11,041 --> 00:17:12,083
Pete:
I love the Bible.
410
00:17:12,166 --> 00:17:13,625
I love the Bible, I really do.
411
00:17:13,709 --> 00:17:15,625
And my whole life, people have
been debating whether or not
412
00:17:15,709 --> 00:17:18,458
the Bible is a story
or if it's literally true.
413
00:17:18,542 --> 00:17:21,542
And I always said
the same thing, I'm like,
what's the difference?
414
00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:23,250
I mean this.
What's the difference?
415
00:17:23,333 --> 00:17:26,291
If that book takes you
to that place
416
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:28,875
of grace and peace and love
417
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,333
and thinking of something
bigger than yourself,
418
00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:32,667
who cares?
419
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:34,667
Just get there, baby.
Just get there, who cares?
420
00:17:34,750 --> 00:17:36,709
I don't care.
I don't want to debate.
421
00:17:36,792 --> 00:17:38,750
-(applause)
-Right?
422
00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:41,125
But...
423
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:42,834
I will say
424
00:17:42,917 --> 00:17:44,500
that there are some
things in the Bible
425
00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:47,000
that I hope aren't
literally true.
426
00:17:47,083 --> 00:17:48,291
(laughter)
427
00:17:48,375 --> 00:17:50,166
I hope some parts are myths.
428
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:52,500
I think you know what parts
I'm talking about.
429
00:17:52,583 --> 00:17:55,500
Uh, Abraham and Isaac.
430
00:17:55,583 --> 00:17:57,333
Genesis 22.
431
00:17:57,417 --> 00:17:58,792
I think you know the story.
432
00:17:58,875 --> 00:18:01,667
God tells Abraham
to kill his son.
433
00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,291
Abraham-- look it up--
434
00:18:03,375 --> 00:18:06,125
-goes, "Okay!"
-(laughter)
435
00:18:06,208 --> 00:18:10,208
So he wakes up Isaac.
"Where are we going?"
"Who cares? It doesn't matter."
436
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:12,750
Two men are gonna go in,
one comes back.
437
00:18:13,709 --> 00:18:15,542
"Daddy doesn't need to tell
you the details, honey.
438
00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:17,291
This is the end."
439
00:18:17,625 --> 00:18:21,208
Wakes up Isaac, takes him
to a mountain so God can see.
440
00:18:21,291 --> 00:18:23,417
He's like a voyeur,
like a snuff film.
441
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:25,375
(laughter)
442
00:18:25,458 --> 00:18:27,291
God wants to see Abraham do it,
443
00:18:27,375 --> 00:18:29,041
and then he's gonna kill him
and then he doesn't.
444
00:18:29,125 --> 00:18:31,834
I hope that is not
literally true.
445
00:18:31,917 --> 00:18:33,792
If that's just a story
that they tell us
446
00:18:33,875 --> 00:18:37,000
so that we know, oh,
you're supposed to give up
everything for God,
447
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:40,542
no matter what, no matter
how attached you are to it,
that's beautiful.
448
00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:41,875
Otherwise,
449
00:18:41,959 --> 00:18:43,542
that's just a story
about an old man
450
00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:46,500
who hears voices that
tell him to kill his son.
451
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:47,709
(laughter)
452
00:18:47,792 --> 00:18:49,792
And he was gonna do it!
453
00:18:49,875 --> 00:18:51,542
He was going to do it.
454
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:53,375
He had the knife up in the air,
455
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,709
and he heard
another voice, thank God.
456
00:18:55,792 --> 00:18:57,750
What would he have done
if he hadn't heard the voice?
457
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:00,000
It just would've been...
(sputtering)
458
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:03,375
Do you love me now?
459
00:19:03,458 --> 00:19:04,834
(laughter)
460
00:19:04,917 --> 00:19:06,875
(screaming)
461
00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:08,917
(laughter)
462
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,834
-That's nuts.
-(applause)
463
00:19:11,834 --> 00:19:13,125
Here's another Bible story.
464
00:19:13,208 --> 00:19:15,792
King David in the Bible
met a woman,
465
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:18,709
he wanted to marry her,
and the father of that woman
466
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,625
said, "You can marry
my daughter,
467
00:19:20,709 --> 00:19:22,542
but first..."
This is real--
468
00:19:22,625 --> 00:19:25,500
you have to bring me
a hundred foreskins."
469
00:19:25,583 --> 00:19:26,959
-Man: What?!
-(laughter)
470
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:28,834
That's the correct
response, sir.
471
00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:32,083
Everyone who didn't go,
"What?!" is wrong.
472
00:19:32,166 --> 00:19:33,500
"What?!" is the--
473
00:19:33,583 --> 00:19:35,917
When I read it, I went,
"What?!" that's--
474
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,333
"A hundred foreskins
for my daughter."
475
00:19:40,417 --> 00:19:41,834
Look this up, it's true.
476
00:19:41,917 --> 00:19:44,417
David goes,
"I'll make it 200 hundred."
477
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:45,625
(audience groans, laughs)
478
00:19:45,709 --> 00:19:47,667
Pardon the expression,
but he was cocky.
479
00:19:47,750 --> 00:19:49,583
(laughter)
480
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:52,750
He found 200 dudes he hated,
481
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:55,709
he killed them, and snip-snip.
482
00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:58,583
Put it in a box,
brought it back to the dad,
483
00:19:58,667 --> 00:20:00,709
and the dad was like,
"Oh, good!
484
00:20:01,208 --> 00:20:03,875
You did what I asked."
And then he had to count.
485
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,875
He had to make sure
there was 200.
486
00:20:05,959 --> 00:20:08,792
He was like, "Uh, one...
487
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,834
uh, two...
488
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:12,750
uh, three...
489
00:20:12,834 --> 00:20:14,959
uh, fo-- Oh, nice try.
That's an eyelid."
490
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:17,000
(laughter and applause)
491
00:20:18,375 --> 00:20:20,000
Thank you guys so much.
492
00:20:20,083 --> 00:20:22,250
I really mean that.
This is so much fun.
493
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:23,500
Good night!
494
00:20:23,583 --> 00:20:25,542
(cheers and applause)
495
00:20:28,417 --> 00:20:30,125
Great show, guys.
496
00:20:36,083 --> 00:20:37,208
Pete.
497
00:20:38,625 --> 00:20:40,583
You know I have
to fire you, right?
498
00:20:41,333 --> 00:20:43,208
Yeah, I figured.
499
00:20:45,417 --> 00:20:48,917
You know why we call this
the Good Faith Variety Tour?
500
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:53,041
Because people buy
their tickets in good faith,
501
00:20:53,542 --> 00:20:55,417
and you pissed all over that.
502
00:20:57,333 --> 00:20:58,667
You said "pissed."
503
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,583
Hilarious.
504
00:21:07,959 --> 00:21:10,291
-John.
-What's up, man?
505
00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:12,500
Uh, I'm off the tour.
506
00:21:12,583 --> 00:21:14,375
(sighs)
I mean, I'm not surprised.
507
00:21:14,458 --> 00:21:16,583
I mean, that stabbing noise
was messed up.
508
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:20,375
I don't know, man. I just
don't know if I can grow here.
509
00:21:20,458 --> 00:21:23,417
I need to be
in the open fields,
510
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,375
running and talking
about asses.
511
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:28,667
-(laughing)
-I-- It's just a little
suffocating here right now.
512
00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:30,125
I think you're
so good at it.
513
00:21:30,208 --> 00:21:31,208
Nah, I mean--
514
00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:33,083
to each his own, you know?
515
00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:36,458
I guess God has a different plan
for all of us, man, you know?
516
00:21:36,542 --> 00:21:39,417
Maybe it wasn't in his plan
for you to make $1,000 a night.
517
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:40,542
(laughing)
518
00:21:40,625 --> 00:21:42,500
It's like, okay,
thank you for that.
519
00:21:42,583 --> 00:21:43,583
Yeah.
520
00:21:43,667 --> 00:21:45,917
Oh, that's salt
in the wound? Thank you.
521
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,750
-Look me up, man.
This was fun.
-All right.
522
00:21:47,834 --> 00:21:50,250
-I'm gonna miss you.
-I'll miss you, too, man.
523
00:21:50,333 --> 00:21:51,834
Bye.
524
00:21:52,250 --> 00:21:54,709
Oh, Pete.
Good luck with Kat, man.
525
00:21:55,583 --> 00:21:56,792
Thanks, man.
526
00:21:57,375 --> 00:21:58,709
See ya.
527
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:01,542
(guitar strumming)
528
00:22:03,834 --> 00:22:09,125
Johnny Cash:
♪ Some glad morning
when this life is over ♪
529
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:12,208
♪ I'll fly away ♪
530
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:19,458
♪ To that home
on God's celestial shore ♪
531
00:22:19,542 --> 00:22:23,000
♪ I'll fly away ♪
532
00:22:24,709 --> 00:22:29,834
♪ I'll fly away, oh glory ♪
533
00:22:29,917 --> 00:22:33,250
♪ I'll fly away ♪
534
00:22:34,917 --> 00:22:39,959
♪ When I die,
Hallelujah by and by ♪
535
00:22:40,041 --> 00:22:45,083
♪ I'll fly away ♪
536
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:50,458
Why do you look like
a realtor on a bench ad?
537
00:22:50,542 --> 00:22:53,458
I have some properties
I'd like to show you.
538
00:22:53,542 --> 00:22:54,792
(laughing)
539
00:22:54,875 --> 00:22:57,959
She said I was ghosting her,
so I agreed to sit down.
540
00:22:58,041 --> 00:22:59,375
Were you ghosting her?
541
00:23:00,041 --> 00:23:04,917
No, I don't-- I didn't,
you know, reply to her.
542
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,458
That's the definition
of ghosting.
543
00:23:08,583 --> 00:23:11,625
I'm not good with
confrontation, okay, but she...
544
00:23:11,709 --> 00:23:12,959
insisted.
545
00:23:13,041 --> 00:23:14,542
(exhaling):
Fucking hell.
546
00:23:14,625 --> 00:23:16,000
Well, you're gonna have
to have some kind
547
00:23:16,083 --> 00:23:17,583
of official break-up
conversation.
548
00:23:17,667 --> 00:23:19,250
Are you gonna sit
her down and do it?
549
00:23:19,333 --> 00:23:20,959
-No, we broke up.
-Okay.
550
00:23:21,041 --> 00:23:22,000
We know we broke up.
551
00:23:22,083 --> 00:23:23,625
She just wants
an exit interview.
552
00:23:23,709 --> 00:23:25,667
(laughs)
Is that what you're calling it?
An exit interview?
553
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:28,375
-She called it that.
-That's what they do
at Applebee's
554
00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:30,834
when you get fired and you
wanna sit down with the manager
555
00:23:30,917 --> 00:23:33,166
-and go over what happened.
-That's what we're doing.
556
00:23:33,250 --> 00:23:36,583
We're reviewing my performance
in a relationship. It's not--
557
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:38,667
You know what?
That is a good tag.
558
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,834
So I'll use that, and that
was a great tag, so...
559
00:23:41,917 --> 00:23:43,792
-Thank you.
-I'm gonna Venmo you for that,
560
00:23:43,875 --> 00:23:46,458
because that was--
that's gonna be hilarious.
561
00:23:49,959 --> 00:23:51,500
-Hi.
-Hi.
562
00:24:00,291 --> 00:24:04,458
I'm sorry I-- on the phone,
I haven't been the best at, um--
563
00:24:04,542 --> 00:24:07,291
Yeah, I know you're scared.
I get it.
564
00:24:08,834 --> 00:24:10,291
Listen, we're both adults,
565
00:24:10,375 --> 00:24:12,208
so we can talk
about what happened
566
00:24:12,291 --> 00:24:14,083
and then we can
both move on.
567
00:24:14,166 --> 00:24:18,417
But we should be real
about this, and we'll
clean it up, and...
568
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:21,625
-be adults.
-Absolutely.
569
00:24:21,709 --> 00:24:24,709
Why do you think
we shouldn't be together?
570
00:24:25,125 --> 00:24:27,458
You literal-- that--
you want me to lay it out?
571
00:24:27,542 --> 00:24:28,875
Yeah, 'cause I know
what happened.
572
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,333
I know exactly what happened,
but I want to hear
573
00:24:31,417 --> 00:24:33,709
what you think happened.
574
00:24:36,667 --> 00:24:38,333
I just-- I just think...
575
00:24:38,917 --> 00:24:42,000
you're so advanced
576
00:24:42,083 --> 00:24:44,625
and complex and intelligent
577
00:24:44,709 --> 00:24:46,875
and sharp, and I'm just--
578
00:24:46,959 --> 00:24:49,750
I'm like an embryo
compared to you.
579
00:24:49,834 --> 00:24:51,875
It's, it's, it's--
you're out of my league.
580
00:24:51,959 --> 00:24:53,375
I'm in over my head.
581
00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:56,375
And you deserve to be
with someone who loves you
582
00:24:56,458 --> 00:24:58,542
for who you are
who can handle that.
583
00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:01,750
I was overwhelmed.
584
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,583
That is such bullshit.
585
00:25:03,667 --> 00:25:05,041
That is such a cop-out.
586
00:25:05,834 --> 00:25:08,125
You are just lying through
your fucking teeth,
587
00:25:08,208 --> 00:25:09,709
and I want you
to tell me the truth
588
00:25:09,792 --> 00:25:12,542
and tell me what really
is going on here.
589
00:25:14,250 --> 00:25:16,125
I don't see what
the point of, you know,
590
00:25:16,208 --> 00:25:19,125
dredging any negative
experience up. I'm--
591
00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:20,875
No, breaking up with somebody
592
00:25:20,959 --> 00:25:24,041
and then just not talking
to them and avoiding them
is super weak.
593
00:25:24,125 --> 00:25:26,750
That's a lame
fucking move and it's weak.
594
00:25:26,834 --> 00:25:28,250
You're weak, Pete.
595
00:25:28,333 --> 00:25:29,792
Kitty, I'm not,
you know, I'm not--
596
00:25:29,875 --> 00:25:32,667
I'm sorry I'm not the person
that has sex in dressing rooms
597
00:25:32,750 --> 00:25:35,250
and then fucks loud enough
for my mother to hear.
598
00:25:35,333 --> 00:25:37,458
It's not-- those
aren't my moves.
599
00:25:37,542 --> 00:25:38,917
Okay, stop it. Stop.
600
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:40,417
You keep on talking
about this like
601
00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:42,834
you're some little
innocent choir boy
602
00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:44,917
and all these things
just happened to you
603
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,917
and you were at the mercy
of this fucking trollop
604
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,709
who forced you
into doing crazy shit.
605
00:25:50,792 --> 00:25:54,208
Because I'm a wild one,
and I buy dildos,
606
00:25:54,291 --> 00:25:56,709
and I'm really shaking
things up for you.
607
00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:58,333
But you were
a part of it, Pete.
608
00:25:58,417 --> 00:26:00,625
You were a part
of every single part
of this relationship.
609
00:26:00,709 --> 00:26:02,250
You were behind everything,
610
00:26:02,333 --> 00:26:05,000
and you were behind me
when you were fucking me
in a dressing room.
611
00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:06,667
-I...
-So why did you do it?
612
00:26:06,750 --> 00:26:09,166
Was it for the jokes?
Was it for the sex?
613
00:26:09,250 --> 00:26:12,083
What, you needed someone
to cheer you on in your career?
614
00:26:12,166 --> 00:26:14,458
-No!
-You used me.
615
00:26:14,542 --> 00:26:16,834
And the second you missed
your ex-girlfriend,
616
00:26:16,917 --> 00:26:18,500
you got a little bored with me
617
00:26:18,583 --> 00:26:20,458
and you started
to think, I want out.
618
00:26:23,917 --> 00:26:25,166
You know what?
619
00:26:25,250 --> 00:26:28,667
In ten years, you're gonna
regret this so much,
620
00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:31,750
and I'm gonna realize
that I dodged a fucking bullet.
621
00:26:32,750 --> 00:26:34,583
♪ ♪
622
00:26:49,083 --> 00:26:51,166
Ugh, how'd it go?
623
00:26:51,250 --> 00:26:52,875
Not good.
624
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:54,208
What the fuck just happened?
625
00:26:54,291 --> 00:26:56,875
It-- that was, uh,
that was my girlfriend.
626
00:26:56,959 --> 00:26:59,250
-(laughing)
-Oh my gosh! Oh, Petey!
627
00:26:59,333 --> 00:27:03,083
Never in a million years did I
think that was your girlfriend.
628
00:27:03,166 --> 00:27:04,583
Are you a comic?
629
00:27:04,667 --> 00:27:06,208
-Yeah.
-Hi, Amy.
630
00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:07,750
-Hi, I'm a big fan.
-Nice to meet you.
631
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:10,375
Amy: It didn't visually
make sense to me.
632
00:27:10,917 --> 00:27:13,250
If, you know,
if we're gonna be
shallow about it.
633
00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:14,875
She was like an eleven.
634
00:27:14,959 --> 00:27:17,667
She was wildly hot.
The fact that you were
gently dumping her
635
00:27:17,750 --> 00:27:19,583
-is infuriating.
-Whoa, he dumped her?
636
00:27:19,667 --> 00:27:21,792
Yes, he was softly
letting her go.
637
00:27:21,875 --> 00:27:24,125
You're lucky she let you
flop around on top of her.
638
00:27:24,208 --> 00:27:27,625
Why did you break up
with that beautiful,
hip-looking girl?
639
00:27:27,709 --> 00:27:30,041
Was she trying to make
you cut your hair...
640
00:27:30,125 --> 00:27:32,417
into an attractive style?
641
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:35,041
-(laughing)
-You grew up without sisters,
that's the thing.
642
00:27:35,125 --> 00:27:37,375
-He does seem like that.
-He needed sisters.
643
00:27:37,458 --> 00:27:39,125
He does seem like the guy
who has to leave a date
644
00:27:39,208 --> 00:27:40,667
'cause he twisted a testicle.
645
00:27:40,750 --> 00:27:43,625
Oh yeah, like he needs
to go home and address it.
646
00:27:43,709 --> 00:27:45,291
I wish I could
break up with you.
647
00:27:45,375 --> 00:27:46,709
(laughter)
648
00:27:46,792 --> 00:27:48,083
I'm jealous of that girl.
649
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,208
Not just 'cause, like,
she's so thin and beautiful,
650
00:27:50,291 --> 00:27:52,083
but I hope she has
a great life.
651
00:27:52,166 --> 00:27:54,792
And I think you know
you'll die alone.
652
00:27:54,875 --> 00:27:56,458
(laughing)
653
00:27:56,542 --> 00:27:59,083
Amy:
I'm so sorry, why are
we talking to him?
654
00:28:01,834 --> 00:28:05,458
Brady Kids:
♪ Gonna find a rainbow ♪
655
00:28:05,542 --> 00:28:08,875
♪ Find a rainbow ♪
656
00:28:09,375 --> 00:28:13,041
♪ Find a rainbow ♪
657
00:28:13,125 --> 00:28:16,166
♪ In the sky ♪
658
00:28:17,542 --> 00:28:18,709
Jan Brady:
♪ Now ♪
659
00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,166
♪ I know what to do ♪
660
00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:26,583
♪ Yeah ♪
661
00:28:27,709 --> 00:28:31,875
♪ When I start feeling blue ♪
662
00:28:32,834 --> 00:28:35,834
♪ All I've got to do
is close my eyes ♪
663
00:28:36,458 --> 00:28:42,333
♪ And I can find
my rainbow in the sky ♪
664
00:28:42,417 --> 00:28:46,208
Brady Kids:
♪ Gonna find a rainbow ♪
665
00:28:46,291 --> 00:28:49,750
♪ Find a rainbow ♪
666
00:28:50,083 --> 00:28:53,834
♪ Find a rainbow ♪
667
00:28:53,917 --> 00:28:57,542
♪ In the sky ♪
668
00:28:57,625 --> 00:29:01,333
♪ Gonna find a rainbow ♪
669
00:29:01,417 --> 00:29:04,959
♪ Find a rainbow ♪
47986
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