All language subtitles for Melvin.Goes.To.Dinner.2003.

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Where were you?

I paged you.

You did?

I didn't get a page.

I paged you three times.

I don't think...

The battery’s dead.

The battery’s...that’s never...

That’s never happened.

You’re going to break it.

Stop it. You're going to break it.
You're going to break it.

You're going to break it.

So did you have fun with your friend?

Yeah, I did. It was great.

It's actually great to see him.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, how great.

I’m glad.

I was only in there because my sister’s friends were in there and she was twelve.

I. I totally. I totally believe in ghosts.

Oh, how do you believe in ghosts?

I have them living in my apartment in D.C..

Yes, I've been in a few apartments.
I'm pretty sure were haunted.

Like I'd be sleeping
and suddenly I would just know

there was someone standing
right over my face.

How do you know that there's someone there,
do they make a noise, are they like...?

Hello, Alex...

-I’m haunting you now.
-They do that with their hands, no.

The best way to describe it is

You know what it's like
to have your mom or dad in the room

Like you just know
it, right? You're feeling it?

That's what it's like with me. I just...

I know they're there.

I don't buy it.

Oh, forget it.

What don't you believe about this?

Look, normally I'd say, Oh, great.
She thinks she believes in

ghosts or something,
but I'm just being really honest.

I’m sorry to interrupt you guys.

Can I get you anything else?

Does anyone want another glass of wine
or anything?

No, I can't drink anymore.

Going to be useless at work tomorrow
as it is.

Oh, Karen. Karen. Sorry.

So. Well, we decided while you're away
that you're better off without him, so.

No, no.

Stop.

I totally got bitched out
for talking to you for so long.

I have, like, five other tables that
needed their fucking water or something.

No, just the check?

I think so.

Okay.

I like her, but she's psycho.

#acoustic guitar#

Oh. Oh, God.

Okay. Okay.

Do you wanna stop?

Do you wanna stop?

Okay? Okay.
You know what? I got turned off the alarm.

I have to turn off the alarm.

You probably have to go.

-Morning
-Hey

-Did you sleep here?
-No.

Got in early?

-Um.
-You slept here didn’t you?

You know, I was thinking.

I can totally fire you if you want.

-What? No.
-I'm just saying,

If you want out of this job, I can fire you.

Okay, well, if I say yes,

then, um, isn’t it kind of like I quit?

I mean, you know, not to take the wind
out of your sails or anything.

I'm just.

All right, well, just call Mom and Dad, then.

Why?

Because I told them I was

worried about you,

and then they said it was my fault.

that I coddle you too much.

I saw this girl once.

She came into the hospital. Chest pain.

She had this condition
called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

There's no treatment for it.

Your options are basically survive
with drugs,

get a heart transplant or sudden death.

But I was thinking about it
because, what happens

The walls of your heart
start to thicken and your heart

literally

becomes hard.

I love that.

That's pretty good, right?

Yeah.

Okay, soldier,

It’s a work day.

Hey, did you get home okay last night?

If I get freed up later,
are you doing anything?

I can leave the office.

No, I can leave the office.

You wanna call me when you’re done?

Oh I thought you said you didn't
want to pick me up.

Okay, I can leave

No, just page me.

Well then call the cell phone, I don’t know.

Don’t call the cell phone.

Call the pager.

Call the cell phone.

That's all I'm saying, call...bye.

Okay. Bye.

Hello?

No, I didn't hang up.

Are you trying to call someone else?

Okay, okay. Bye.

Hello?

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I’ll hang up.

Okay, call the pager.

We’re all full for tonight, but we can
certainly put you down on the waitlist.

Okay? Yeah, great.

Hi sorry.

I’m meeting some friends here and....they’re at that table actually.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I hope you don't mind
I picked up some stragglers.

No. Wow. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I just had a bunch of work to do.
I'm sorry.

Well, introductions all over again.

- Melvin, this is Alex. Hi.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- And this is, uh,

- Sarah.
- Sarah. Hi. Melvin. How are you doing?

Um, did someone order me a martini?

That’s KiKo’s.

- You missed the whole beginning.
- Who’s Kiko?

Kiko’s a teacher.

- Well, see, we were sitting with Joan and
- You don’t have to tell the whole

Shut up, will ya?

Like essentially
they thought Kiko was you.

All you told me on the phone
today was you were meeting with an old friend.

Okay, so I didn't know.

Besides,
look like you're old friends to me,

what with you sitting at the bar
chatting it up.

Yes, well,
he's quit the mover and the shaker.

Oh, and did you guys order already?

Oh, here's the quick dope.

We think the waitress is drunk.

And to answer your question, no,
we haven't ordered

because she's been by a couple of times
to chat us up,

but she hasn't figured out that
we haven't gotten any menus.

Are you gonna tell her?

I'm kind of waiting to see
if she figures it out.

-Okay.
-I think she's going to get it.

I think there's a high probability
she'll get it, but a decent probability

that she won't.
-Touche

So...

How do you guys know each other?

Business school.

Same class?

Well, it's a two year program
and I was a year ahead and

I dropped out to work for this company.

But then I went back again
and then I dropped out to go back to work.

Hey, there.

So, okay,
is this the guy you were waiting for?

-Yeah. Here I am.
-Oh, okay.

Have you decided what you'd like to order?

I don't think so.

We never got menus.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

Yeah, we're waiting to see
when you’d figure it out.

You guys are killing me.

I'll be right back.

Thanks for getting together, everyone.

I know we're all pressed,
but since Spencer has to go back

to Finland tomorrow to meet Canesto,
I needed all the departments here.

So do you want to start or what's up
first?

Well, I showed them the timetable
from your November project,

and I did not include a lot...

Hey, you want to see Kentucky?

I did a cost comparison of utility rates
in Kentucky once,

and I ended up
memorizing all the counties.

And I think that I just drew a map

of every county in the whole state.

It's pretty good.

What's that?

That's Barren County.

Wait, you guys.

You didn't meet at the wedding?

Huh? I didn't go.

Remember, I left town
right after the bachelor party.

-You went bachelor party?
-Oh, of course.

Tell them how many you’ve been to?

That's. That's five more than me.

You don't like them?

Are you kidding? I hate them.

No offense. I'm sure yours is great.

Now, no offense taken. They're terrible.

We took him to this strip club and it was
full nude and he'd never been before.

I'd been to a strip--

Whatever. So it’s his first time, right?

And the women aren’t wearing any underwear

and they're like slowly
spreading their legs and everything.

They're showing you everything
and looking you in the eye.

It's creepy.

So one of them’s slowly opening up,
looking him in the eye.

And I was watching his face
the whole time. It was basically like this

It was like

basically like, “yes sir, that’s the stuff,
what it's all about.”

It was awful

Excuse me, Miss? The captain’s asked

that all electrical devices be turned off.

Office prank.

First of all, I heard
that you accosted Lawrence at Ronald

Reagan Airport and you implicated me
in a comment about his hair loss.

I simply told him that you found it
inspirational to see another balding man

that was so successful.
It was a compliment.

He was insulted and you knew he'd
be insulted, which is why you said it.

I'm in L.A. for one day only.

Okay,

so you have a very small window
of opportunity

to catch up with your old buddy
Alex.

Let’s see, I don't know. That's pretty short notice.

Have you ever driven a Mercedes?

No, but, you know, I was kind

of curious, so I rented one for the day,
but now I can't get the seat.

Oh, my, what has happened?

You won’t believe this, the hood just came off.

Over here, honey.

I'm sorry.

You were talking about the ghosts
that live in your apartment.

I had this roommate, right?

And she had a sculpture of a room.

Well, one night,

the sculpture fell off its face,
and it got to the other end of the room.

Oh, but the thing is, it's
this really big head

with a really big nose,

so it doesn't roll. Right.

Okay, like, there's no way
I could have just fallen down and rolled

across the room.
-Okay, hold on.

You're saying that there's no way
that the statue

could have gotten across the room
unless a ghost picked it up and carried it.

That’s exactly what I’m saying.

You know, as a matter of fact,
there were so many weird

things happening in that apartment
complex.

One night,
my roommate and I were in the living room,

and I just stood up and I was just like
the spirit of the apartment.

We don't know what you want.

If your point is to get us to acknowledge
you, then we know you're here.

If you want us to leave, then we will.

If not, you're just really scaring us.

And nothing weird ever happened
after that.

It's a pretty good story.

Oh, it's a great story.

I have to admit that if I were

under the impression that I saw something
weird, you know, that'd be my experience.

Well, you know,
I have a friend who's a psychic, right?

And she says she communicates
with the dead all the time.

Really? Yes. Yes. She's totally into it.

And sometimes she'll do readings on me
and it's usually pretty on the nose.

So I have to say I'm pretty open to it.

Do you guys ever watch Feldmar the psychic?

-Oh, my God!
-You watch Feldmar?

Oh, my God. I've been obsessed.

I tape it every single night.

He's a psychic.

There's a live studio audience,
and he communicates with people,

most of them who have died. Feldmar the Psychic, CNBC.

The thing about it, it totally blows me away.

I would love to believe in it,
but I just can't.

I mean,
I think it would be great to believe in it

and to think that, like,
ghosts are all around us all the time.

They are.

Well, okay, look.

Okay, look,
one night, he goes up...this blew me away.

He goes up to this one
woman in the audience, and he's like,

Your dad...

....loved basketball, didn’t he?

And the woman just starts bawling, right?

Whose Dad doesn't love basketball?

Okay, okay. Well, then he's fake.

Then he's like, Oh, what's this?

Oh, I'm getting something
about magic and basketball.

And she's like, We buried him
wearing a Washington Wizards jersey.

He knew! He knew!

That is the most undignified thing
I've ever heard of.

I mean, this guy is the laughing
stock of heaven right now.

People are up there.

They're wearing suits and ties,
and he's like,

hey, a little help over here,
guy in the Wizards jersey.

-So you do believe in heaven?
-No.

So where does your soul go when you die?

I’m just gonna come out and say it.
There's no such thing as a soul.

So what, are you just here until you die?

-And then that's it?
-Yeah. You're here. You die. That's it.

This version of you is over.
-Do you believe in reincarnation?

Are you kidding?

Of course not.

How can you just take that whole idea
and reject it?
-Reincarnation?

Because I didn't think of it.

-So?
-So people come to me with different ideas every day.

It's up to me to either
accept them or reject them.

Somebody asked me to switch
my long distance plan.

I reject that same thing in the same vein.

If someone's like,
“You believe in reincarnation?”

I can think about it and go, “No,
it doesn't fly.”

So I'm guessing that
that you don't believe in God.

Oh, there's no way.

How can you be so sure?

If I would write a book on religion,

it'd be called “There's No Possible Way There’s a God.”

If you wrote that book,
you would get killed.

You think?

No, he'd get killed
if you wrote a book called

“There's No Possible Way
There's a Jesus.” Right?

Yeah. Well, I've seen where belief does for people

and the effect it has on their lives.

You don't have to sell me
on the power of belief

I agree with you, belief helps
some people achieve remarkable things.

but that’s not the same thing.
-I’m not totally into the whole organized religion thing either.

But I'm saying that I do know
that something goes on after we die.

That's what I think, too.

I mean, my friends believe in something.

Okay.

I dated guys
who were, like, way into their religion.

This is going too far.

But I mean, there has to be something....

Stop...

No more religion, you guys.

It's like, obviously,
if it weren't for my ex-boyfriend's mom,

I don't think that Jewish thing
would be an issue.

I mean, he didn't care about it.

She's the one that cared about it.

And she was militant.

So, like, even if he had defied her
wishes and married me or something,

I would have had to deal with that
for the rest of my life.

You're better off without him.

I guess so.

God, it's...it's so stupid.

I mean, obviously, it can work, but

how are you going to raise your kids
Jewish?

Or Catholic?

Me or her?

Both of you.

You guys aren't married?

No, no, no. We just met tonight.

Wait a minute.
You told me you were married.

I am married.

Just not to anyone at this table.

My wife's out of town.

DIdn’t you guys come in together?

No, I came in with her.

Hi

It’s all set? All right, bye bye.

Sarah?

Oh my God! Alex!

Oh, God.

And you two aren't a couple either?

I'm friends with him.

He's friends with her.

She brought her.
-Right.

Last time I saw you in Newport
that summer, you and Farley had just gone on a date...

Oh don’t time warp me like that.

I haven't even seen Farley in
nine years now.

It’s been that long?

Yeah, sorry.
-Well what have you been up to? Look at you!

Wait!

I am so late meeting an old friend for dinner.

Just walk with me a couple blocks.

Okay!

I also think the last time we got
caught up in this idea

of overlapping functionality.

I mean, his department does one thing, my

department does another.
I think it really becomes redundant.

You know, this is an important call.

Can you guys excuse me for a second?

Melvin? You got me out of a meeting.

Where are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, it's fine.

I actually didn't mean to call you.

You're alphabetically
right next to the person I meant to call.

I was scrolling
through numbers on the phone.

I'm in the office,
but I'm on the cell phone.

Oh, well, do you want to call me later?

Sure. Well, I mean, how are you?

- You know, call me later if you want.
- No, we should talk.

- I never call anyone. Maybe this is a sign?
- What are you doing tonight?

You want to have dinner?

Um...that sounds awesome.

I just have to check on one thing,
and I'm sure it's not a big deal.

Look, I'm ordering you to come.

- Can I call you back in like an hour? I’ll call you back.
- All right, bye.

You want to come back in?

Do you mind?

I'm just going to make one more call.

Are you dicking around? Because Vasa...

Yeah, I know.

Vasa has to go back to Finland.

All right, take your time.

My parents were never uptight

about the Jewish thing,
and I always thought that was really cool.

In fact,
I remember this one Christmas in college.

I went home with this one girlfriend,
and on Christmas Eve

I ate ham and pineapple with her
and her Catholic family.

And I was like,
My ancestors are turning in their graves.

Meanwhile, my parents were like,
How do they cook the ham.

Well Rita was really Catholic when we started going out

and she actually used to pray.

And I think at some point
pretty early on in our relationship,

she asked me to pray with her.

God, how tacky.

Well, we had just slept together for the first time,

so I didn't want to just laugh in her face.

You know, this was back in college,
but I asked her,

is it possible for someone
to be a good Christian

by living the life of a good Christian
but still not believing in Christ?

She was like, “No way.”

Yeah, well,

of course not, because you are born in sin
and Jesus died for your sins.

So your only hope for salvation
is to believe in Jesus.

Yeah, this belief thing kills me.

It's like all theological concepts
are basically unprovable.

So they invented faith, which, which was genius.

They essentially took the weakest part
of their argument, and they're like,

Oh, no, that's
actually the strongest part.

Okay, I.

- Think that --
- I agree that religion is helpful for some

people, but there's so much about religion
that bothers me.

This one time this girl calls me up
and I like her, right?

And she says, there's something
that's really important to me.

I really want to share it with you.

What are you doing Tuesday?

So I think it's going to be a date.

I get there.

She's invited like five other people,
so I'm like, great.

Now how many of you out there
have made a bad decision in your lives?

Oh, a lot of hands.

A lot of hands.

Turns out to be this self-help group
type thing, like EST, you know?

So the people have been there before.

They have yellow nametags.

The new people like me
have white nametags.

Okay, now, who out there
said of themselves, I knew

that was a bad decision to make, yet
I made it anyway.

Hands. Oh, my goodness.

All of us.

Then the girl who I like comes over
and she goes.

So, you know, it's a three hour lecture.

And I'm like, That's so uncool.

You cannot invite someone over
and not tell them

they're going to have to sit
through a three hour lecture

and the whole point of this lecture

is to get you to sign up
for some $300 weekend seminar.

You know, I have one major
responsibility in my home,

and that is to tape Nightline for my wife.

So every morning
my wife likes to get up and

jog and get on the treadmill
and watch her Nightline.

And since we move my VCR into the study,
my responsibility: tape Nightline

Over the course of the first month,
I found that I was oddly

compelled to be watching
the History Channel just when

Nightline was on, so

I wouldn't tape it...now

After the first few times,
my wife said to me, Andy,

come on, this is really inconsiderate here, okay?

This is really not right.

And I thought about it
and I realized that I

was jealous of Ted Koppel.

Okay, everybody stand up.

Everybody stand up.

Okay, now sit back down.

Okay.

I see some of you guys are starting to
get this here, so you guys are getting it.

A couple of you are not...well,
you're not so sure, you’re sitting

there going, oh, wait, wait a second.

What's this guy talking about?

See, that's what I thought
when I came to my first seminar.

I walked in and went,
Wait a second, my life's pretty good.

I'm successful.

I don't need this.

This isn't for me. Well,
those people who think that

all those people

they’re the ones who need it the most.

And the sad part is, I know that
there were some poor idiots out there

who were like, Oh my God, that's me.

I don't think I need this.

They have me pegged.

And it's like that
kind of thinking works on those people.

It's like these belief systems
encourage you to believe

solely on the basis of your skepticism.

And that to me is pure evil.

It's an evil trick that works on people
who haven't been taught

how to think logically.

And a lot of religions
say that the ones who don't believe

are the ones most in need of saving.

I don't buy it.
- Okay.

Do you realize that
everything that you're saying

is what they say
the anti-Christ would say.

- Are you kidding?
- Yeah, I know.

They’d say the Antichrist would be a very
rational person who will convince people

not to believe in God,
but to believe in themselves.

Science and rational thought.

Oh, you're totally the Antichrist.

Yeah.

They've created a system
in which anyone who tries to argue against

that system is labeled as an evil
agent of that system.

Okay, you know what it sounds like?
It sounds like schizophrenia.

You know, you can't talk a schizophrenic
out of their concept of reality.

Their logic is airtight.
It's the same thing.

Before I dropped out of medicine,
I did the first six months of my psych

residency, in VR in San Diego,
and I would admit all the psych patients

who wandered in off the street
or who were brought in or whatever

this one guy comes in.

And as a routine question, I'm like,
Do you have any brain injuries?

And the guy's like, Yeah.
I'm like, What happened?

He says, I fell off my pterodactyl

I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that.

Okay,

God and the Giants turned against me.

I fell off my pterodactyl,
and then they turned me into a Nid.

- A Nid?
- A Nid, you know, like you.

Hey, Marcia, you look great.

Your haircut looks great.

Thank you, sweetie.
- You’re welcome.

So, do you know what I'm saying?

Um...

No, no, not exactly.

Okay, look, jeez, I gotta

Go over this every time I come here, um...

I’m the creator of the universe,
but temporarily, I'm a Nid.

So? So you’re God basically?

No!

God is like the venture capitalist
in this equation, okay?

The whole thing was my idea, and it was
basically my business plan and his money.

So I went ahead.
I came up with the whole thing.

I put it all together,
and now he wants me out.

So it's like a hostile takeover?

Exactly.

Now, this is the thing
everyone wants to get me

because I have the highest intelligence
in the universe.

That's why I'm the creator.

Then...I drew it...

All right, here it is. So that's me.

I'm the creator. That's me.

And God hates me.

He hates me.

Now, over here you have the Giants, okay?

They want to kill me.

And now you have a bunch of lesser forms
all thrown in below them.

Then at the very bottom, you have the
Nids, which includes humans like you.

And you guys are the least intelligent.

That's why they turned me into a Nid,
because they want to fucking kill me.

Which, you know what? Fine. Kill me.

Fuck it.

What they don't understand is when I go

the whole fucking thing goes.

And that's the real problem.

I need you to.

Get me back to my former state.

Okay? Now...

If you are the creator,
then why can't you do it yourself?

Because I'm temporarily a Nid.

Look, man, you don't.

You're human.

I don't have to tell you
the human brain is just it's like.

It's like being sealed
in a vat of chocolate pudding.

You don't.
I don't have any time. You just.

It's like dodging traffic half the time.

You've got things coming left, right.

That's just,
like fucking disaster everywhere.

And then every once in a while,
maybe everything lines up

just for, you know, like two seconds,
and then it's gone again.

You people,
you have so few moments of clarity,

and if you just give me an EEG, I'm
going to see if I can help you out.

He kept asking for an EEG.

He was totally convinced
that an EEG would restore him.

And I was like,

Well, no, you know, an EEG,
it doesn't actually do anything to you.

It just kind of measures
electrical impulses from your brain.

But he wouldn't give up on it.

Okay, I tried this tactic.

Okay, let me ask this and I'm just
and I'm just I'm trying to understand

now, if us Nids have
such a limited intelligence,

how is
it that the machine that we've built

can restore you to being a creator?

Obviously, I must have known
this was going to happen,

so I must have created the machine
and you in advance to help me

Well...

Wow.

Oh, I forgot they’re Phryo Giants.

Okay.

Phyro Giants used to be aligned

with God,
but now they're on the creator side,

and they may be able to save him
if they can find him.

Oh, yeah. And they look just like Nids.

Oh, well, now it all makes sense.

All right.

How much do we owe anti-Christ?

Oh, you know,
I don't want to be the math guy tonight.

Here you do it.

Well, I'm going to take this opportunity
to relieve my bladder.

I've been holding it in for the last hour.

You know what? I'm
going to go with you.

They're so cool.

I'm, like, having the best time.

I like, I don't have any friends anymore,
so it's like, whoa, I'm being social.

Like, I literally thought
I forgot how to relate to people.

I haven't seen you, like, four months?

Really four months?

Yeah, I guess so.

It's not a big deal.

Sup?

Yeah...

Sup?

Hey, you don't think this restaurant
has a fax machine?

Probably.

Forget it.

That is the smallest cell phone I’ve ever seen.

So cool, isn’t it?

And it's got this little keyboard
that pulls up like a credit card.

And I check the emails.

You know what?

I got to go home.

- So I'm just going to get my--
- What? Why?

It's nothing.

- It's just--
- It’s me, isn't it? It's me.

It's all this stuff about Farley.

- I brought it all back.
- No, no.

I mean here you are trying to move
on with your life.

Well you've moved on with your life.

You're healthy.
And you look great. In your little top.

- And then I come along...
- It’s not you, Alex, okay?

Well, what is it?

- Alex is a total character.
- Oh, she's great, isn't she?

- That ghost thing that is totally her.
- Yeah what’s her deal?

Are you interested?

You should ask her out?

No, she said she had a boyfriend.

Oh, I've never met him.
I’ve heard he’s a creep.

You know what?

I bet she’d go out with you.

I don't need another complicated
situation.

Thank you.

Sarah is really beautiful.

Believe me. I know.

I thought she was going to be, like,
really cold at first.

- Oh you think?
- You didn’t pick up on that?

Like, when we first all sat down,
I was like, “Oh, she's totally not into me.”

Well, you know, she didn't know any of us.

You never know what kind of day she had.

It’s just very interesting.

Mm hmm.

I'm just saying...

Oh, thanks so much you guys.

Boy what an interesting night, huh?

Wow. So I'm sorry.

I hope I didn't intrude or crash
on your party or anything like that.

Oh, no, no.

But yay, I'm so glad it worked out.

And you.

I never even get to see you, you know,
like you're working and I'm on the road

32 weeks out of the year,
and I'm really sorry that Rita couldn't...

Whatever.

Who cares?

Hi, Melvin.

It's so nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm so glad.

I was just saying
that if I hadn't run into Alex

outside the restaurant,
I would just be at some boring record party or something.

You two didn't have plans tonight?

No. Oh, no, no, no.

No, it was this awful time in my life.

I mean, I was so unhappy.
- Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I was drunk half the time with you.

I was going to say,
with me though...

Okay, so I take it
things are over with Harley, right?

That's not even a consideration.

I haven't even, you know, thought of him
since that summer, you know?

I mean. Well,
we were totally over by that point.

You're kidding.

No
- I thought you guys were so happy.

Oh, sweetie.
No, no. He was such an asshole.

I mean, he really was.

You mind if I sit for a minute?

Yes, go ahead.

I'm Kiko.

Kiko...

Joey.

Oh, wait, wait. This is it.

This is me, this is where I’m going.

Listen, join me.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't let you go.

Like you have plans, right?

No, I will not let you walk away.

No, no, no, I was happy --

I made her come in because

I'm pushy.

I know that. I'm very sorry.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I think it's funny
that you guys didn't have plans.

I mean, I don't know. Not that four strangers

Getting together for dinner
is like some huge coincidence.

- I'm not a stranger.

No, no, I know.

But you know what I mean.

It's like
I don't relate to anybody these days,

so I just kind of feel like this
whole thing

is just like some big, weird accident.
- No!

Yes, exactly.

Do you see?

Was there a ghost in the bathroom
or something?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah. Yes.

No, that's.

Forget it. Oh, that's not mine.

I'm sorry.
- Jesus.

You know, it is weird because I mean,
we hadn't seen each other in years, right?

And she didn't even know I lived here.

Okay, well, so. Right.

- I was going to cancel.
- Why?

Hey, sorry to do this to you.

Can you do a site visit for me today?

- Totally. Yeah.
- Sure?
- Yeah, yeah.

Sounds great.

Hey, you know the high rise renovation
over by the golf course?

- Yeah, they're, like, way behind on that, aren’t they?
- It's a liability.

More than anything.

Can you just go over there,
check with the site manager,

check all the permits to make sure the city
doesn't get sued. That sort of stuff.

Do you have copies of zoning codes I can borrow?

You know, if you want to leave the office
during the day, you can leave.

You don't have to wait for me to send you on an errand.

No, I just want I want to get this done.
Where's your zoning codes?

- I gave it to you already. What’s up with you?
- Nothing. Oh, it's probably in the truck.

All right, well, then I'll be back.

As soon as I’m done.

Wait, wait wait

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Nice turkey. State property.

It's not my hand.

- Sorry, I was gone for so long.
- It’s okay.

You know, I'm not trying to be delinquent.

- It’s okay, I wasn’t going to say anything --
- No, it’s not cool.

And you know,
if my being here is a problem for you.

Okay, stop it. It's enough.

You're protected here.

You can do whatever you want.

Don't show up.

I probably shouldn't abuse the taxpayers
that way.

But you're so bored already.

I don't think you're going to last long.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

You want to come over to dinner?

I'm supposed to meet my friend Joey,
and I totally don't want to go

Blow it off.

God, can I really?

Oh, my God.

I feel so much better.

- I feel so much better.
- Good.

- Now I have a surprise for you.
- What is it?

- I'm saving it.
- What is it? What is it?

I was talking to Aunt Shirley.

I don’t want you to talk to her.

What? Shirley’s the best.

- She has a beehive.
- It's totally beside the point.

Anyway, she was talking to me about
when she and Mom were younger,

and she swears that mom got a nose job.

I called it!

I called it.

I can't believe I called it.

Oh, I'm going to walk right up to Mom
and I'm going to go, Mom, you're fucking liar.

In your face Mom!

I’m saving this one, too.

I don't know what it's
going to be, but I'm saving this one.

I don't know if I should call Joey
and leave a message that I'm not coming.

I just you know what?

I just couldn't.

I didn't want to go to a bar.

Then I'm stuck with all the noise
and the people trapped there.

You know, I was dreading it all day long.

Yeah, I know what you mean.
I just like to go home.

It's been a lot of fun with Tom lately.

Plus, you know, we got The Dish.

You guys have satellite?

Oh, my God.

Can we just watch movies all night long?

I am so psyched.

I love that you guys don’t have kids.

So are you seeing Trenice again?

You know what, I think I’m gonna go home.

No, you know, it's
not that. It's not. I just.

I don't care.

You keep thinking that I'm judging
you and I'm not.

It's just that somebody has to remind you
that she is a hateful, malignant poison.

Ah, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?

Don't tell mom and dad, okay?

Don’t worry about it.

I hate making plans.

I can't commit to plans.

And if I can't get out of them
very easily, I won't make them.

Well have you always been that way?

- We used to make plans all the time.
- No, no, I used to be able to make plans.

No, it's just in the last few months.

Really,
because I'm going through the same thing.

Really?

God, I don't know what it is,
but I won't commit to plans.

- I hate doing it and I won't do it.
- Well, no wonder you have no friends.

- Oh, that's nice.
- No, no, it's true.
I have no friends.

I was telling him. That's
why I'll say, you know what?

I cancel on people all the time.

- Oh, I do too. I'm so flaky.
- I don't know what it is.

I can't stand
having to be at any place at any time.

Even if I'm going to meet someone
for coffee, I feel like.

Like I'm in. Jail.
- Oh, that's it. That's the feeling.

Oh, it's the worst.
- Oh, my God, I'm the exact opposite.

I'm like a compulsive scheduler,
and I never cancel.

Somebody cancels on me.

Like I get the feeling like I'm drowning.

I break out in a sweat.

All of you need therapy.

Yeah.

Or if anybody wants half a Valium,
I'll save you the 125 an hour.

Is that really Valium?

Essentially. Diazepam.

It's generic.

What does it do for you?

Valium is wonderful.

But no thank you.

Just kind of evens you out.

Yeah, it's like nothing's too great.

Nothing is that bad.

It's just right in the middle.

I don't think I'd like it.

Yeah, I love it.

It's like

I've had this little walnut

of stress, like, right
at the base of my skull, and it just.

It just sits there and it doesn't go away
no matter what I do.

I know what you mean.

It's like you feel the slow burn
all the time.

It's like, you know, nothing's terrible.

Nothing's terrible, and
you can't really put your finger on it.

But there's a stress always.

You know something I used to be a really
good sleeper, and now I can't sleep.

Okay,
you're going to think I'm kidding you.

I used to have trouble sleeping,
and now I sleep all the time.

Oh, I am so jealous.

I'd like to be you
now or me from earlier.

Oh, and I can nap like nobody's
business.
Napping.

I never sleep. I never sleep.

Everyone I know has trouble sleeping.

I usually get up around four
for like an hour.

I'm up all night. I'm like nocturnal.

Well, I think that's pretty common
for guys your age.

Oh.

I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.

Why does that make you feel worse?

Cause it's like my stress is mine.

It makes me feel anonymous

to think that I'm going through stress
just because every other guy...

I don’t mean every other guy, I just think
it’s common for guys your age

to start to feel pressure to start
a family

I’m sure that factors in somehow

But --
- No no

I don't know it's probably

no no it's not nothing.

It's nothing. It's
nothing. It's totally nothing.

It's just it's nothing.

It's just stress.

It's just

it's just situationally induced stress.

That's all.
- Okay, well,
what's the situation?

And can you tell us?

I don't want to make you say if you don't

You know, I just, like, make a list of
the most stressful things that could happen

to you, you just nod your head.

I'd really rather not.

No, no, ready?

Have you recently bought a new car?

Death of a pet.

That's always...
Changed jobs.

Extramarital affair.

Oh! I split the bill!

It’s an affair.
- I'm not even married.

It couldn't be having an affair. Look,
can we just change the subject.

Yes, you know what?
You know, let's change the subject.

Seriously, are you having an affair?

Are you having an affair? I mean, come on.

I think about having an affair
all the time.

You just got married.
- Two years ago.

Yes. Okay.

I just got married.
And it's wonderful to me.

You know,
this is not where the conversation --

Ah ah ah

- You brought it up.
- Yeah you volunteered.

Am I really saying anything so shocking?

Why is it such a surprise?

It’s not a surprise.
- Of course it’s a surprise.

I was standing two feet away from you
when you said your vows.

I need to know what's going on.

Nothing is going on here.

All right, let me just say one thing.

I've never been one of those guys
who really thought about picking up women

or really ever tried
or anything like that.

But since I've been married and maybe now
it's because I really don't care, but

I think women are more attracted to me.

Thank you.
- Sorry.

Well, they know that you're unavailable.

No, they don't.

Yeah, I mean, I am unavailable.

They have no idea what I'm like.

But they know you have a wife.

That's an immediate barrier.

I've been in some situations

where I'm pretty sure
there are very few actual barriers there.

Oh, like,

you know what sort of situation?

Well, um...

Um...
All right...

Two months before Rita and I got married,
I had to go to Houston for a month.

So I get there like a week early
before the rest of my team gets there.

And it's going to a week before Rita

can join me.

the office is paying for the Four Seasons
downtown.

I've got a suite there.
- Oh, my God.

I'm in Houston like every other week.

The next time you're
there, you've got to let me know.
- Totally. Anyway,

I have all my expenses covered,
and this is the first time in,

like seven years where I'd been somewhere
where I didn't know anybody.

Rita wasn't there.

There's really no chance
I’d run into anyone I knew.

So it's my fifth day alone.

I'm eating dinner

And I think to myself

Maybe tonight I'll go down the street
and check out one of the bars.

So I go down the street
where there are all these bars.

I go inside one, get a drink, start a tab,

and I ask myself, What am I doing?

And I start going bar to bar
and I get really kind of drunk.

Next thing I know,

it's one a.m. and I'm just kind of
kind of stumbling down the street.

That's when I hear these footsteps,
like these high

heeled shoes keeping perfect step with me.

And it's this woman, and she's following.

Are you sure
she's following you?
- Definitely.

No, because sometimes it's late
and I'm alone.

I'll just make it look like I'm
walking with a guy, you know,

who's just walking next to me a little
bit.
- Well, that's exactly what it was.

You know, I’ll even ask a guy if I can walk with him.

Men are pretty nice about that.
- I find that.

Apparently it’s very common. I had no idea.
- I've never heard of this either.

Okay, great.

So I turn to this woman and I'm like,

You're not following me, are you?

She explained to me she's doing what
you guys do, and I go, Oh, that's cool.

Where are you going?

I'll take you there and she says, Great,
we go to this other bar,

go inside, meet up with her friends.

That's it.

So she's out of the story now?

Yeah, well,
she comes back for like a second,

but that's pretty much it for her.

So she's kind of like a decoy.

Yeah, well, it did kind of set
the tone for me because whatever. So.

So I got to the bar and there are these
two very attractive women there.

One Asian woman
and some other woman.

And since they're both

they're both looking at me,
I offered to buy them both drinks.

Vodka tonic, please.

I'd like to start a tab.
- Hey.

All right!
- What was it? What it the tab?

You guys like that?

We like you!

This is a cool place.

What are you guys drinking?

Tequilas!
- Two more tequilas please.

Muchas gracias.

So suddenly

we're a threesome

and we're drinking and we're talking,
and the music's getting really loud

and stuff, the three of us, go to this couch
area off of the dance floor to talk.

But one of them

flips the couch on its front
so that the back is facing the ceiling.

It forms this little elevated platform.

So the three of us get up on this
little platform and we start dancing.

Now, here's the picture.

It's 2:00 in the morning
and I am like dirty dancing

with these two women
and one on either side of me.

And we are grinding. We are grinding.

And that's when the woman from the
beginning of the story comes up, right

at that moment

and just looks at me.

Oh, she must’ve thought, you are so cool.

I think she was actually a little frightened.

But everyone is looking at us
at that point.

So eventually we get off the couch,
you know, I get them some more drinks.

Hey, where are you staying?

I’ve got a suite at the Four Seasons.
- We should all go back to your place for a night cap.

And I'm like, Well,

this is it.

Because I have never
cheated on Rita before,

but I've been having such fantasies
about it recently.

And here.

Oh, they were stewardesses, by the way.

So I settle up with the bartender.

I put on my coat.

They still had full drinks, by the way,
but I say, this is where I'm staying.

This is my room number, if you want to stop by

That'd be great.

But that was as much responsibility
as I could take.

If anything happened, I wanted it to be them
deciding to come to me.

I'm not saying that would have been right.

I'm just saying
that was as much self-control

as I could muster was to be like, yeah,

you know, show up if you want
and then just book on there.

Well, would
that still have been cheating then?

Oh, absolutely.
- I don't know.

How is that not cheating?

No. You're saying that they came to you
after you left, right?

That's sort of like
what do you expect the guy to do
ladies and gentlemen?

We haven't found out yet.

Oh, right, right, right. Did they come?

So I go back to the hotel

and I'm getting ready for bed,
but usually I sleep in my boxers.

If I open the door in my boxers, it's over.

So I brush my teeth.

I lay down in all my clothes and I wait

and I can't tell you what
I wanted to happen,

I just can't tell you
what was going on in my head.

And the next thing I know, I wake up

and it was 11:00 the next morning

and I was still in all my clothes.

And they never came?
- Never came.

Okay, can you tell me
what would have happened

if they had come?

I don't know.

Can't say, really.

Of course you can say.
- You would’ve had sex with two stewardesses.

I think that he’s right.

I don’t think you can say
for sure what would have happened

even if they had shown up.
- How can you say that?

Well, I used to get into situations
like that all the time, okay.

I’d go with a guy back to his hotel room
or his apartment.

I had no intention of sleeping with him.

Isn't that horribly misleading?

Well, yeah, I guess in some cases
I gave the guy the wrong impression,

but usually it wasn't
a big deal.
Why would you go?

I liked being out.

I don't know.

Sometimes
I didn't want the night to be over.

I'm just saying, yes...

Plenty of times
I did want to sleep with the guy

and hey, sometimes I’d go home with a guy
and he wouldn't want to sleep with me.

I'm just saying it's not a foregone
conclusion.

And, you know, my own experience aside,
I know plenty of girls who

I mean,
they probably thought you had coke.

Who knows?
- I agree with you.

I mean, I'm not saying what they would
have done or what I would have done, but

I was gaining some pretty ambiguous
territory, that I can say.

You mean if Rita had found out
that they'd come over?

Oh if Rita found out? If I ever found out that she was
in some hotel room with two strange men...

But you know, as
I say that, I know that Rita has been

in some pretty weird situations
and I know nothing was happening.

So, you know.

You know, what I'm saying?

If Rita found out, she'd kill me.

She'd be real mad.

I have a friend who full on

cheats on his wife
out and out, sleeps with other women.

He hooked up with another woman
in the bathroom of a bar

while his wife was there.
I was at the bar talking to her.

She's like, Where's my husband?

Oh my God, did you know
what was going on?

He told me he was going to go do it. Yeah,
it was terrible.

I didn’t talk to him for like two months.
- Who is it?

You know who it is.

Steve Eisenberg.

Are you kidding me?

Steve Eisenberg would never cheat on his wife.

Steve Eisenberg hits on Rita so hard every time we’re together.

You are paranoid!
- Rita’s told me! She’s confirmed it!

I'm not full on paranoid
about Steve Eisenberg.

It's not him.

I know who it is.

Well, I've probably dated him. Yay!

Look, I'm sure your friend's a wonderful person.

There are a lot of assholes out there.

You've attracted more than others.

Oh, don't get me started.

I'm sure your friend's a great guy.

I think he is.

You know, at least the confused
ones stick around.

I've dated a lot of great guys,
but the focused ones,

you know, those commitment ones,
they move on pretty quickly.

Like...

well, like today I had lunch with this old
boyfriend of mine.

You look good.
- Really?
Yeah.

Thanks.

So, everything okay with you?

Yeah.

You know...

Let's see the pictures.

Yes, the pictures.

I got a good one this time.

It's Helen last Halloween.

That's her dressed as Benjamin Franklin.

She’s a young genius.

That is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen.

Do you still care about him?

Well it’s hard because he still loves me.

- He told you that?
- Yeah.

What about his wife?

Oh, he doesn't want to have an affair
with me.

He just loves me.

And I wouldn't
want to be involved with him now anyway.
Why?

Reasons...

How long ago were you guys together?

We broke up about four years ago.

Why do you still see him?

What do you mean?

He loves you. You can't be with him.
Why do you have lunch with him?

Well, they can still be friends,
can't they?
- Why?
Why be friends?

It probably just fucks him up.

Well, he doesn't have to go to lunch
with her, right? He loves her.

He loves her. She just told us that.

I'm not asking why he goes to lunch.

I’m asking why she goes.

It’s like rubbing his face in it.

I’m not rubbing his face--
- You’re just mad--

You're not friends with any of your exes?

I could be with some of them,
I don’t have lunch with them.

You said you were having drinks
with Vanessa what’s-her-name

You said you thought she
was still hot for you.

Yeah, I know, I ran into her
at a bar.

Rita doesn't know about it.

That proves my point exactly.

How does that prove your point?

Because this woman wanted to see me again.
I didn't think it'd be fair.

She called me a bunch of times.
I didn't call her back.

I feel strongly about this...

Just because you don't want to marry
this guy...

doesn't mean you
can't be friends with him.

Some of my best friends are
my ex-boyfriends.

You know, it's true.
We do business together.

We go to the gym together.
We play cards together.

Yes, some they still like me.

Some I still like them. Okay, fine.

That never goes away entirely.
I don't see why that's so wrong.

I know all the guys you've dated,
at least since business school.

None of them wanted to marry you.

None of them have gotten married
since you.

Victor got married.

Victor's from India.

His parents forced him to get married.

That's not the same thing.

Well, I don't believe in cutting people
out of your life.

You know what? Fine. It's a case by case.

Everybody knows that
you pal around with the boys.

And that you hang with your exes
cause you’re Alex.

Okay, that works for Alex.

I'm just saying, and maybe I'm wrong,
that it doesn't work for Keith.

- Well, I disagree.
- Well he’s right.

How is he right?

I shouldn't see Keith. All right.

I would love to say that
I just want him to be happy.

But I don't. I see him because I want him
to feel something for me.

But you just said that you wouldn't

be ready to be with him
even if he had waited, right?

- I don’t I think I would.
- But you still want him to be in love with you?

- Yeah, I really do.
- What about his happiness?

Look, it's not admirable,
okay? I'm just being honest.

I'm insecure and when I want to feel good.
I have lunch with Keith.

And you know what?

If his wife got hit by a car tomorrow,
I’d probably start sleeping with him again.

You know, we haven't done that yet.

Oh, okay.

No problem. I'll be back in a minute.

Can I have another glass of wine?

Yeah, I'd like another glass of wine.

Oh, if you guys are...
- If they are, yeah.

Maybe just another bottle
and then that’ll be it.

Okay. A final bottle?

Yes and then that’ll be it.

So, uh, what do you
do when you stay up all night?

I get high and watch pornography.

Sounds productive.

Like on the internet?
- Mostly.

Yeah.

I used to buy videotapes,
but the internet's pretty good

for pornography.

What kind of stuff do you like to watch?

Like two women together and...

No, no.
I know a lot of guys like that

No, I just like to see a man
and a woman. It’s just what I like.

People are into whatever they're into.

It's like, um, anal sex.

It never used to turn me
on, like, the idea of it. But, you know,

If you’ve seen a lot of pornography
you end up seeing a lot of anal sex.

So eventually I was like,
yeah, I guess I see the appeal.

Oh I definitely see the appeal

- Really?
- Okay...

Okay...

I can’t believe we're talking
about this, but...

If I'm with a guy

and he basically gets close to that area
back there,

I could basically have an orgasm
instantly.

Good to know.

What do you like about it?

Well, that's tough to say.

I mean,
you know, it's pretty invasive, but

there's just something inherently
wrong about a guy being in there.

You know, it's pretty hot.

- I think that's a thing about a fetish --
- I didn’t say I had an anal fetish.

No, no, no, no.

Just the things things
that people find kinky.

Like, who knows why they find it kinky,
that's all.

Can I just tell this one story?

It's not a great story.

All right.

When I was living in New York, they had
that Channel 35, which is all porn basically.

So one night I was at home alone,

and I was watching 35,
and they were showing this home

footage of a woman in a white t shirt
hosing off this horse.

Oh my God
- Ultimately nothing happened
to the horse, right?

For the longest time,
she's like hosing it down

and hosing it down,
very suggestively, right?

You know, and her white T-shirt’s
getting all wet.

And I'm alone, it’s 2:00 in the morning.
All of a sudden...

this voice goes off in my head
very clearly.

And it says.

God, I hope she fucks that horse.

I really wanted to see that happen.

That's pretty sick.

Not as sick as your anal fetish.

Thank you.

So when you're watching pornography,
do you, like, masturbate?

What do you think?

Come on, I’m asking you
a question.

Is it better when you’re high?

Dude, the other night.

I was really super high and

I came so hard up
I was going to shit in my bed.

Oh!

She asked, okay?

I’m glad we could catch up.

So the stuff that you watch,
do you like do it with your girlfriends?

Uh, traditionally, no.
Last girlfriend...

I had such a bad sex life,
she basically stopped sleeping with me.

So at that point porn fantasies
were kind of off the radar.

I've been there.

It's like, sorry,
but the last guy I was seeing

it was one of the few times
where I was the one that lost interest.

Hey, you know, good for me,

but it's basically like I stopped
wanting to have sex with him.

And I know it sounds lame, but I think
it was harder on me than it was on him.

I doubt it.

No, no, no. You know what?

I understand and I sympathize,
but you have to let him go.

Then you can't keep him hanging on by
saying that you're still attracted to him

and he should just be patient.
- What are you supposed to say?

I'm not attracted to you anymore.
- Yeah, somehow.

Yeah. You have say exactly that. Exactly.
Yeah.

No, no, no.

My tactic was I became a huge bitch,
and I got him to break up with me.

That is so weak.

Oh God, that is so weak.

And it worked. And we're friends now.

No, I was even like,

if you're not attracted to me anymore,
I want you to break up with me.

The fact that she was, like,
staying with me

because she felt sorry for me,
that made me feel even more pathetic.

Was this the girl you were
with at Scott’s birthday?

Connie, yeah.

Yeah. You know, I think you’re giving
the sex thing a little too much weight.

I saw you two together, and she wasn't with you
because she pitied you.

Rita and I have great sex,

so trust me, you can have great sex and
still not have the strongest relationship.

In fact, our great sex is the problem

Come again?

Well, um...

I used to think I didn't want to have kids
remember?

Remember Meathead in “All in the Family”
and how he used to say how

it's unfair to raise children
in this polluted world, blah, blah, blah.

- I remember that.
- I never watched it.

Oh, go on.

Well, it's not like my belief
systems have changed, you know, it's...

- It's hard to articulate.
- No try.

Well, um...

It’s one of my newer theories.

but it goes something like this.

Maybe, uh,

maybe I want to have kids.

That’s a killer theory.

- I'm still working it out.
- Can you prove it or...?

It’s more of a theorem, at
this point.

You know, it's just so weird, it’s like

for the longest time, I thought
I was the luckiest guy in the world.

I mean, Rita loves sex.

We have sex all the time.

It's just that

her parents died when she was little,
so she just doesn't want to be a mom.

And knowing her as well as I do, I get it.

You know, I'm sure she'd be better off,
but lately we'll be doing it.

And I will literally
be like, What's the point?

Wow, it's...

it's really interesting

- That you're saying that.
- Why?

Well, I guess, you know,
I was like her most of my life.

And now that

I'm almost running out of time,
I think that I might want to have kids.

What changed your mind?

Well I've dated every guy on the planet

And I don't know
I guess I've been saying the same thing.

Like, what's the point?

You know?

I mean,
I used to feel like I was so lucky,

like I was having all these experiences

and everything,
but I never wanted to settle down.

It’s just, it's weird when
you think that you know yourself

and then all of a sudden
you realize that maybe

your priorities have changed.

Yeah, it's definitely weird.

I know that I want to have kids
and I know it's what I’m supposed to do.

But like the situation that
I'm in right now, it's like...

Okay, I haven't talked to anybody,

anybody

about this.

The cigarettes, are you smoking?

No, Dave had the truck yesterday.

Here’s something interesting about smoking.

If I shut off a gun
or if I banged on some trashcans,

all the sudden your brain would be like,
What the fuck was that?

If you shot off a gun?

Yeah.

Or if I made any sudden loud noise.

- Just don't do it right now.
- I won't.

But if I did, then your
brain would be like, Whoa.

Why do you keep imitating my brain?

Because it helps me tell the story.

Okay. If I did it a second time,

what do you think your brain would do?

My brain would say,
Hey, there’s that noise again.

That's very good.
That's exactly what your brain would do.

Okay, normal brains adjust their response
when a stimulus is repeated.

It's called gating.
If I were to measure on an EEG.

First time you heard the noise,
there'd be a big spike in brain activity.

Second time
spike would be a little bit small. Okay.

Schizophrenics can't do this.

Every time they hear the noise,
it's like they're hearing it

For the first time,
the spike is just as big.

The world's constantly jarring to them.

Everything that happens to them, it's like,
What the fuck was that?

Even stuff that happened,
like, 2 seconds ago.

So this one patient's schizophrenic.

He's smoking cigarettes
while I'm running all these tests on him.

And I realized

he started gating his responses,

and it turns out it was the nicotine.

You’re kidding.

No, no.

I tried to write it up
but no one would publish it.

My point is basically

that if you're schizophrenic, smoking
might not be a bad idea.

And my theory is anything that helps,
you know,.

it’s like I think that living day
to day must be torture for them.

I'm not

sure we’re that much better off than they are.

Of course we are.

No. We tune everything out.

We just hear the things we want to hear
and we tune out all the noise

going on all around us
because our brain can't process it.

And we tell ourselves it's normal.

It’s not.

Right, I'm saying smoking helps.

You are
having an affair.

Okay, I'm in it.
It's her affair.

She's the one that's having
the affair.

Okay?

- She's been married for five years.
- Shut your face.

Is this the girl I saw
you with at the gym?

The girl you...

Saw me with at the gym...
That girl was kind of tall?

- Yeah.
- No, that’s another
weird situation.

Okay, look, look, look.
Come on, let me say this.

Okay, look, this is
my second affair this year, okay?

This is the second time this year
I've been in this exact situation.

What are you
doing, young man?

The first one was like,
casual, like so not a
big deal.

But still kind of a big deal.

But this one that I'm in
right now is fucked up.

Like how?

Like I sneak away from work to see her,
and we go to my office late at night

because she doesn't
want to go to my apartment.

It's like there are all these limits.

Like, we have to set alarms when we're
together because her husband works late,

and we have to beat him home,
and we can only take certain streets.

It's like, I'm so jumpy
all the time because I...

I never know when
I'm going to get to see her next.

And those times that I have her there,

she'll be lying there next
to me and I'll be like,
Well...

I have to cherish this moment

because I have no idea
when I'm going to get to see her next.

All right.

That is the most desperate feeling.

Been there.

- Been there too.
- Been there more.
- Been there so many times.

Like, I'll sleep with a guy I really like
and I know when he leaves, he's

not going to call for a while.

- I hate it.
- Okay, this is why I never make plans.

Because I always have to be available
to see her at a moment's notice.

And I know.

I know I can break up with her.

I know it's the obvious right answer,
but I can't even imagine doing it.

Well, you know it's going to get worse.

Please don't say that.

I don't know how it can possibly get worse.

Well, even if it gets better first,
it's going to have to get worse.

Okay.

Twice in the last year
I've been in this situation,

I'm in the car
with a woman that I'm involved with

and her cell phone rings and she answers
and you go like this, Hello?

Oh, hi.

You know, and, uh

it's left me with the impression
that infidelity is not the crime

that I thought it was.

I mean, it's a crime,
but not in the way that I used to think.

How do you mean?

Like in both these situations, I saw
firsthand how what I was doing
with these women.

It has nothing to do with the
relationships that they're cheating on.

Like with the woman that I'm seeing now.

She's not gonna leave her husband,
not anytime soon.

And their relationship is fucked
up, but it's a part of her

that I can never touch.

And it sounds stupid.

It's just. It's just another perspective.

But this is why I am sympathetic
to that friend of mine.

- I was telling you about.
- Oh, that's interesting.

The disconcerting part
of this

is this.

I was like, Well, I guess you never know
what your partner's up to.

Like, you can be on the phone with them
literally, or you can check in with them

a million times a day
and they can have someone there.

That kind of fucked me up.

Yeah, well, there are
never any guarantees, right?

I mean,

everyone changes.

Look at you.

Your priorities have changed,
and that's totally understandable.

Yeah, right.

Yeah but you have to be
able to talk about it.

Oh, really?

You know what?

I think I'm going to go.

This conversation is getting really weird.

- Yeah.
- It's a little weirder than you think.

Probably not.

It's not that weird for me.

- Well, it's really weird for me.
- It's really weird for me.

Why is it so weird?

I don't think I'm going
to go into it.

Not go into it?

Are you keeping something
that is totally not cool, I mean...

You know what?
Just go into it.

Yeah go into it.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Okay, uh...

I've been seeing someone
for the last two years and he's married.

No shit. Okay, you suck. And here's why.

Because you weren't going to say
anything and that would not
have been cool.

Okay, so I think, like,
we want the whole story.

So he's he's he's older.

- Probably.
- Younger, actually.

Oh, okay. Younger.

Okay, keep talking.

First of all, he's really
not my type, okay?

I've always dated kind of modely guys,
and he's definitely

not a model.

When we first met,
when we first hooked up, you know,

we had this brief fling
and then we ran into each other

randomly a couple months later
and we became friends.

And, you know, I think both
of us thought that it was over,

but it wasn't, you know, and...

He's a...

he's a fascinating person.

He's not at all what he appears to be.

How’d you guys meet?

We met in Houston.

I was following him down
the street at night because I didn't want

to walk alone.

Okay back way,
way, way up.

What? Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you kidding?
Are you serious? What?

One of you guys wanna
explain what’s going on here?

The explanation is this.
I'm a lazy idiot.

I wanted to meet Sarah here
for a drink at five.

And then she'd conveniently leave.

And then you'd show up for dinner
around 730.

Then I called
and invited myself to dinner,

- Which would have been fine.
- Except I ran into her

like, right outside the restaurant.

- And then I dragged her in, unknowingly.
- Excuse me.

Are you not in total shock right now?

She told me in the bathroom.

You told her?

Well, I had to tell someone
I was shooting in my pants.

I'm still in shock, but I think
I'm just suppressing it somehow.

Okay, wait a minute.

So I'm the only one
that's just finding out right now.

- Are you sure you didn't know?
- How could I possibly know?

Who is that friend
that you're so sympathetic to?

- Who's having the affair?
- Right! What was that all about?

- Kyle?
- It’s our friend Kyle!

- I know that you knew and you
were trying to tell.
- That’s what I thought, oh God.

So wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold on a minute.
I have a few more questions here.

Can I hear the whole story now too?

Okay, so. Now wait a minute.

Now you're the woman
following down the street.

I couldn't believe you
were telling that story.

It was relevant to the conversation.

- And what about the stewardesses?
- The stewardess thing is all true.

They were continental stewardesses.

Houston's the hub, right?

The whole story is true.

I woke up fully
dressed in the hotel the next day.

I go down to have lunch in a hotel,
and she's there.

He's still in his clothes
from the night before.

He's completely hung over.
So I'm like...

Well, you're quite the mover and the shaker.

And I knew that there was probably
a girlfriend

that made the whole thing very low stakes.

And when we hit it off, I went with it.

But that was supposed to be that.

Right and I was wracked with guilt.

I mean, I'd never cheated on anybody before.

And the thing about it was, which
Sarah and I were talking about tonight.

Oh, yeah.

Which is all we ever talk about
is that when she and I met,

I was having so many doubts
about my relationship with Rita.

But because we had this fling,
I went ahead and married her anyway.

Like it was what I felt
I had to do to make up for my mistake.

In fact, if we hadn't gotten together...

I don't know.

I think there's a chance
I would have backed out of the engagement.

You're kidding.

I don't know...

But do know that once we did hook up,
there was no way I was going to back out
of it.

You know?

What was all that bullshit
about Keith?

What was all that bullshit
about having no soul?

And what do you mean,
definitely not a model?

Well...

Oh, and the waitress like, totally
busted you guys and you both lied.

Oh, god, we were sitting at the bar for,
like, an hour.

Okay, I know that now.

But I could not believe when you didn’t want
to come into the bar with me.

I mean, I hadn’t seen you
in years.

I know but I was having a heart attack
when you introduced me to Joey.

But then when it turns out
that he is the guy

that you're meeting for dinner, it was
like, Oh! My bad Twilight Zone episode.

So, and are you guys like talking
about having kids now?

Because I'm like,
sort of going back and, like,

putting the whole evening
together in my mind.

Yeah.

What was that?

Well, that's a conversation
that we haven't had yet.

And frankly, if we hadn't
all gotten together tonight,

I probably wouldn't have dealt with it.

Don't look at me like that.

I want to talk about it.

Okay.

Okay.

I killed someone.

What?

I killed someone.

I was going to tell you guys before,
but then I didn't.

- Are you kidding?
- No, it was an accident
when I was younger.

I was going to tell you guys
like an hour ago, but then I didn't.

And then I wished I had told you.

And I...

Who’d you kill?

A little boy.

I’m so sorry.

Oh my God, no, no.
It was horrible.

It was terrible.

I was in high school

And this little kid ran
right out the front of my car.

I wasn't even speeding.

But the thing was,
around the time of the accident,

My parents are going
through the separation

and I knew that they were so concerned
with how the separation was affecting me.

I knew that that this would all distract
them from the breakup.

And I was so grateful for the attention

that it was then that I began to feel like,
well, I got my wish.

And so I became completely depressed.

I became a total druggie,
which is so unoriginal, I know.

But actually a whole lot of fun, you know.

But I would never admit to myself
how much fun I was having

because that would be undermining
the basic agenda of ruining my life.

Like the fun
was just an unpleasant byproduct.

So eventually my parents split up and it
was pretty anti-climactic at that point,

But it was weird.

I kind of settled
into this little double life

like I was a good student,
I was an achiever, ambitious,

but on the other hand, I was just rip
royally fucked up like most of the time.

Right. That's how you were in Newport.

That's how you were at business school.

Yeah, yeah. That's
how I've been most of my life, you know.

But a few months back, I think I realized...

Well...I look back on it all and I...

I said, This is over.

I'm an adult now.

There's no other way to put it.

I just said, this is over. You know?

And that's when he started to appear
to me.

The little boy, his name is Ryan...

And he told me that he'd been watching me.

And that he was sorry
for everything I'd been through.

So this is the real reason
I believe in all that stuff.

You know, like what we talked
about earlier.

- I mean, I've always
believed, but this is...
- I’m sorry.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no.

Unless you've experienced it,
I don't think you can understand it.

You know, and I wasn’t offended.

It's just that I've just started
to be able to talk about this stuff

And all that stuff about the apartment
and the ghost.

I wanted to explain because, I mean,
that doesn't even get to the heart of it.

But that's not even the kicker.

Ryan told me.

And this is now 13 years
after the accident, right?

Ryan told me that he felt
so bad about all the pain and confusion.

He stayed away from his parents.

He thought he'd be in trouble
or something, you know.

And I said, No Ryan, you should go to them.

They'd be so happy to see you.

So about two weeks ago,
my mom gets a call out of the blue from

Ryan's dad asking for my number.

And eventually he calls
and he tells me that Ryan had come to him

and told him I had sent him.

That's unbelievable.

I mean, no, you know, I believe it.

I mean, I believe it.

I'm really sorry, you guys.

You don't have to leave, but if you don't
mind, you're like, my last table.

Have we not paid you yet?

Oh my God!

- I’ll come back.
- No, no, stay here.

I’ll take care of it
right now, don’t go anywhere.

Just put it on this.

Thank you.

- It was great to meet you guys.
- Likewise.

Yes, it was nice.

Do you two need a minute, or...?

- No...?
- We’re fine.

So I'll call you when I get home.

Okay.

Are you walking this way?

Well, thanks.

Yeah.

Goodnight, you guys. Bye.

I am so curious about you and Sarah
that I really can't

formulate a coherent question, but
that story of Alex's was totally amazing.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You believe it?

- That the kid's ghost comes to visit her?
- Yeah.

I'm in no position, you know?

And all that stuff about the dad calling
two weeks later.

It’s amazing. How can you not believe that?

It's too late for me to believe any of that stuff.

It's like you said earlier, you know,
I wish I could believe it, but...

I love Alex, and I think that's as close

as I'll probably get.

Where were you? I paged you.

You did? I didn't get a page.

I paged you three times.

I don't...

The battery’s dead.

That's never happened...

You're going to break it.
You're going to break it.

You're going to break it.

You're going to break it.

So did you have fun with your friend?

Yeah, I did. It was great.

It was actually great to see him.

That’s great.

That’s great.

I feel like an idiot.

I mean, you always call me back
when I page you.

I know!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I mean, I just feel
completely out of control. I'm...

I'm, I...

I don't think I can do this anymore.

- You’re the one that came down --
- No, I know that --

And I am not defending myself.

I know I'm the one that came down here.

I'm just saying that I can't tell
which way is up anymore.

- Are you breaking up with me, is that--?
- Oh, fuck, come on!

No, you know what?

No, listen to me, hold on.

Just listen, listen, listen.

New rule, let's just do the good part,
okay?

That's what I want.

And I want that with you.

Can you just, be like,
totally with me?

Oh, my God.

That’s your husband, isn’t it?

Don't look at him.

As soon as he pulls away,
you need to race to get me home.

I'm supposed to be there.

You have to get me home.

What the fuck are you doing?!

Start the fucking car!

Get out.