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1
00:00:00,601 --> 00:00:03,737
♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh ♪
2
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:06,306
♪ Thank you
For bein' a friend ♪
3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:10,210
♪ Travel down the road
And back again ♪
4
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,145
♪ Your heart is true ♪
5
00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,349
♪ You're a pal
And a confidante ♪
6
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:20,554
♪ And if you threw
A party ♪
7
00:00:20,587 --> 00:00:24,491
♪ Invited everyone
You knew ♪
8
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,260
♪ You would see ♪
9
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,929
♪ The biggest gift
Would be from me ♪
10
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,164
♪ And the card attached
Would say ♪
11
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,400
♪ Thank you
For bein' a friend ♪
12
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,502
♪ Thank you
For bein' a friend ♪
13
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,538
♪ Thank you
For bein' a friend ♪
14
00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,341
♪ Thank you
For bein' a friend ♪
15
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,230
Congratulate me,
Sophia.
16
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,499
I finally
finished that
jigsaw puzzle.
17
00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:07,801
Big deal.
It took you six months.
18
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,539
On the box
it said 2‐4 years.
19
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,714
(indistinct
conversation)
20
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,183
The Carlton Hotel
called, they
have a problem.
21
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:26,153
They're overbooked tomorrow.
They wanna know if we could
handle a bachelor party.
22
00:01:26,186 --> 00:01:28,789
Yeah, we can do that.
We just need to order
some more beer.
23
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,124
Yeah, we can borrow
some dirty videos
from Blanche.
24
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,962
Okay, boys,
but be kind.
Please rewind.
25
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,065
And, they
want us to
hire a stripper
26
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:39,766
and have her
pop out of
the cake.
27
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,503
‐I'll be in charge
of that.
‐You can handle that?
28
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:45,639
Hey, no problem man.
I'll just need a table,
some whipped cream,
29
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:47,774
some frosting,
oh and some
sparklers.
30
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,209
Sparklers?
What‐‐
For the cake?
31
00:01:49,243 --> 00:01:50,744
No,
the auditions.
32
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:58,285
I don't know about hiring
a stripper for the hotel.
That's a little rough.
33
00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:03,490
My Charlie never
was interested in strippers
or any of that smut.
34
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,426
I guess growing up in
a country on a cattle range,
35
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,063
gave him a different idea of
what constituted a good time.
36
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:15,135
He was more
into nice quiet
dinners at home, huh?
37
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:16,336
No, leather.
38
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,542
What can
be keeping
Stan's attorney?
39
00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:25,145
And I still can't imagine
why he wants to come
over here to talk to us.
40
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:27,247
Well, if I know that
cheap ex‐son‐in‐law
of mine,
41
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:29,049
‐there's only one thing
he could want.
‐What?
42
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,317
His toupee back.
43
00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,955
If the man wants to take
me on a fishing trip,
I keep what I catch.
44
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,660
Why would he
send a lawyer?
45
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,495
Uh, I owe him
a little money.
46
00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:43,463
You owe Stan
money for what?
47
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:44,498
Neck job.
48
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:47,534
You had
your neck done?
49
00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:50,637
Yeah, I got tired of people
saying, "My, what an
unusual scarf."
50
00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:58,412
Now, look, when Stan's
attorney gets here,
I'll do the talking.
51
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,682
Why should you
do the talking?
I'm not stupid.
52
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,784
I know how
to talk to a lawyer.
53
00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,253
Hi. I'm
Herb Jenkins,
Stan's attorney.
54
00:03:06,286 --> 00:03:07,921
Oh, yes,
my liege.
55
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,160
I'm representing
Mr. Zbornak in absentia.
56
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,729
Absentia? What's Stan
doing in Europe?
57
00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,667
Uh, you must be Rose.
58
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:26,340
I've been given specific written
directions to find
a Blanche Devereaux.
59
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,342
Oh gee, now
I haven't heard
that since
60
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:32,179
the Shriners
had that
scavenger hunt.
61
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,983
Well, actually the reason I'm
here is the last time I saw Stan
he gave me instructions to‐‐
62
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:40,587
Whatever the reason he better
have one damn good excuse for
not coming here in person.
63
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,257
Stan is dead.
64
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,468
I just can't
believe Stan
is dead.
65
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:58,772
‐I mean, a young man like
that in the prime of his life.
‐Yeah.
66
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:00,974
Have you ever
noticed how as
we get older
67
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,709
the prime
keeps moving
back?
68
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,346
I know.
69
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:08,682
My father
was just 85
when he died.
70
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:09,716
A baby.
71
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,421
I still remember
his last words.
72
00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:16,190
Oh, honey
what were they?
73
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,624
Okay for
the last time
74
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,394
no more screwing
around Rose, get
this thing off me.
75
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,070
And then poof
he was gone.
76
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,843
Well, at least
we know we were
very good to Stan.
77
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:39,213
Yeah, it's not like
we bad‐month Stan
behind his back.
78
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:43,217
Hey, check this out
some bozo just tipped
me a Canadian quarters
79
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,719
Man, dude pulled
a real Stan on me.
80
00:04:48,922 --> 00:04:51,825
So, how are
we gonna
tell Sophia?
81
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:55,762
We'll break it to her
gently tonight, just
before we put her to bed.
82
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,731
Guess who
I just ran into?
83
00:04:57,764 --> 00:04:59,433
Not Stan,
he's dead.
84
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,176
Well...
Time for bed,
Sophia.
85
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,112
What did
she say?
86
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,215
Sophia,
Stan is dead.
87
00:05:15,249 --> 00:05:17,017
Oh!
88
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,319
Are you okay,
honey?
89
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:20,787
I don't know
what to say.
90
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,992
Well, what can you say
about a man who's
always been a burden
91
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:29,162
and now is finally gone.
A man who never lived up
to his responsibilities,
92
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,766
who ran out on your daughter,
who never thought of anybody
but himself?
93
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,168
I'd say
I'll miss him.
94
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,537
Me, too.
95
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,340
I guess as much as
the two of us are
gonna miss him,
96
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,342
you'll miss
him even
more, Sophia.
97
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:45,979
Well, he was part of my
family for over 40 years.
98
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,248
So... How did it happen?
99
00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,517
Well, apparently, he died
while making love.
100
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:54,054
Oh, poor Stan.
101
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,390
There's nothing worse
than dying alone.
102
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,204
At least we know
he went quickly.
103
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,780
Um‐hum.
Okay, thank you
very much.
104
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:22,549
I'll see
you then.
(chuckles)
105
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:25,085
The stripper
is all set,
ah!
106
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,453
And I got
a great deal.
107
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,222
‐How much?
‐100% off.
108
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,829
Stripper?
No, no, no.
109
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,698
I've had
second thoughts
about that.
110
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,900
Yeah. I can't stop
thinking about her,
either.
111
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,604
Look, I'm hardly a prude,
112
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,874
but‐‐ but if a man loves a
woman, why would he want
to spend the night
113
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,309
before he gets married
looking at someone else?
114
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:50,844
Last gas
before the
freeway?
115
00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,382
Well, I think it's wrong.
116
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,452
Oh come on, Rose,
everybody needs a little
fantasy now and then
117
00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,887
to help them
get through
the day.
118
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,390
When I attract a man,
it's because of
my brains.
119
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,525
Now,
you see there?
120
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,496
Look, Rose,
I understand
your concern
121
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,099
but this is a male
ritual that has been
going on forever
122
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,700
it's not an
exploitation
of women.
123
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:17,304
Yeah, I mean, what about if
I took my clothes off for bunch
of screaming women,
124
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,372
what would you call that?
125
00:07:18,405 --> 00:07:19,606
Pee‐wee's
Big Adventure
126
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:24,278
Don't run, don't‐‐
It's gonna be worse
if you run.
127
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:38,659
Well, here you are,
Sophia. Honey,
are you all right?
128
00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:39,893
I'm fine.
129
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:42,796
They're picking us
up for the funeral
in 20 minutes.
130
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,032
Now wasn't
that something
of Stanley,
131
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,034
ordering
a limousine
for us?
132
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,237
I mean, him having
it put in the will
and all?
133
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:52,539
Well, he must've
really loved us.
134
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:54,074
Yeah.
135
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:58,212
Gee, I'd love to know what else
was in that will. I mean,
he must be worth‐‐
136
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,280
Oh, a million, million
and a half easy...
137
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,984
and he didn't have
a friend in the world.
138
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,786
Oh, my God, I'm rich!
139
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,289
You?
140
00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,325
What makes you think
he left you anything?
141
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,695
I was his favorite.
Why, he was in love
with me for years.
142
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:16,196
Oh, he was not!
143
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:20,634
Oh, he most certainly was.
All men are, but bald
men especially.
144
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,474
Bald men have always
found me very attractive.
145
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:30,844
Oh, I can't tell you how many
times I've looked down and
thought I had three boobs.
146
00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,021
All right,
you two
that's enough.
147
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,723
We're talking
about a man
who died here.
148
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:47,594
Sophia's right.
I don't care
about Stan's will.
149
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,998
I just wish
he was still
here to talk to.
150
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,166
Yeah. Me, too.
151
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,701
Um, well...
152
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:55,869
Better be
on our way.
153
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:56,937
Yeah.
154
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:58,005
You coming,
Sophia?
155
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,406
Give me
a minute.
156
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,909
All right.
We'll be waiting
for you, hon.
157
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:07,548
Okay, Lord,
this is the deal.
158
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:12,586
Please let Stanley into heaven.
Yeah, I know, I know it will
ruin it for everyone else,
159
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:16,356
but the truth is,
he deserves it.
He's always done his best.
160
00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:21,828
Hi.
It's me,
Stan.
161
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,530
Not now, yutz.
I'm praying.
162
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,509
Sophia,
it's really me.
163
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:40,047
Oh, Stan!
Hold it!
164
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,849
You're not
haunting me,
are you?
165
00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,617
No!
166
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,886
Are you sure?
Because you smell
like you're decomposing.
167
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:50,924
I was hiding
in the trash bin.
No. I really am alive.
168
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,593
Oh, Stan!
169
00:09:54,228 --> 00:09:55,529
How do you
like the neck?
170
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,464
Look at that.
171
00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,634
What a great
summer look for you.
172
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,736
Oh, Sophia, I'm so happy
you're taking this well
173
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,272
because I thought you
might be angry at me
for being alive.
174
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,008
I'm thrilled.
My Stanley's alive.
Why should I be angry?
175
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:11,044
Because I faked
my death. I'm in
trouble with the I. R. S.
176
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,183
You faked your death?
You know what I've
been going through?
177
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,185
Look,
I had to do this.
178
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:21,154
The I. R. S. caught
wind of some creative
bookkeeping I was doing.
179
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,557
I would've gone to prison.
I‐‐ I couldn't let that happen.
180
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:26,894
Can you imagine me
confined to some
filthy, cramped room
181
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,329
spending my life
with 100 other men?
182
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:30,764
So what are
you gonna
you do now?
183
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:34,468
I hired on as a steward
on a tramp steamer.
184
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:37,004
Stan, how could you
do this to your kids?
185
00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,039
I called Kate
and Michael
and I told them.
186
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,875
They know what's going on.
I'm not heartless,
Sophia.
187
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,977
What about Dorothy?
Have you told Dorothy?
188
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,914
Sophia,
she was my wife
for 38 years.
189
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,683
Do you actually
think that I could
keep silent
190
00:10:49,716 --> 00:10:51,351
while she
mourned
my passing?
191
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,686
She would have
turned you in.
192
00:10:52,719 --> 00:10:53,720
In a heartbeat!
193
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,524
Of course
I didn't tell her.
194
00:10:57,558 --> 00:11:00,260
In another month,
when things settle down,
I want you to tell her,
195
00:11:00,294 --> 00:11:04,598
but I couldn't leave
the country without
telling you the truth.
196
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,967
You mean a lot
to me, Sophia.
You always have.
197
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,069
You're not gonna get
away with this,
they're gonna catch you.
198
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:12,673
No, they won't.
I've planned everything
down to the last detail.
199
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,975
Where can I get
in touch with you?
200
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,978
I wish I could tell
you, but the less
you know, the better.
201
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,048
Well,
I'm off
to Madrid.
202
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:29,890
Or Rome or Paris or Cairo,
But probably not Madrid.
Not‐‐not.
203
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,495
Let's go over
this uh,
checklist again
204
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,564
to make sure we
get everything ready
for the bachelor party.
205
00:11:37,598 --> 00:11:42,369
Okay. Food check,
beer check,
cigars check,
206
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,639
entertainment.
I know, no
check, just cash.
207
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,710
Okay, Bambi, uh, Chris
and his friends should
be here any minute.
208
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,945
So why don't you go
ahead and go in the
kitchen and get ready.
209
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,614
‐Okay.
‐Roland: Okay.
210
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:56,350
Roland and Chuy:
Boom, ba‐ba
boom, ba‐ba boom.
211
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,352
‐I love this job.
‐Oh, yeah.
212
00:12:00,254 --> 00:12:01,855
Hi, can I help
you ladies?
213
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,457
I hope so,
sweet cheeks.
214
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,727
We're here for
my friend Chris'
bachelorette party.
215
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,832
You're Chris.
216
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,800
Bachelor‐ette
party?
217
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,303
Yeah, I arranged it on the
phone with someone named
Rose. Is there a problem?
218
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,205
Yes, but we think
it's neurological.
219
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,607
Um...
220
00:12:20,641 --> 00:12:22,409
Why don't you
ladies go ahead
and get comfortable.
221
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,078
And, we're gonna
go uh, get the
Parcheesi board
222
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,814
and uh, get the
punch out of
the fridge.
223
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:30,751
Tell you what, this
is her last night
as a free woman,
224
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,819
so why don't you
just pop open
the Jim Beam,
225
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,121
crank up
The Rolling
Stones,
226
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:35,789
and drop
your pants,
butter buns.
227
00:12:38,692 --> 00:12:42,596
We paid for a stripper,
and we wanna see
someone shake their booty.
228
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,398
(screaming)
229
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:47,000
(chuckles nervously)
We're just gonna
be over there.
230
00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:50,871
girls: Boom ba‐da boom,
ba‐da boom, ba‐da boom...
231
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,408
What are we gonna
to do, man? These
women are animals!
232
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:55,742
No, they‐‐ they're
not animals,
Chuy.
233
00:12:55,776 --> 00:12:57,711
‐They're just some girls
out having some fun.
‐Oh!
234
00:12:57,744 --> 00:13:02,249
(girls chanting and shouting)
Beefcake! Beefcake!
Beefcake! Ohh!
235
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,151
(objects shattering)
236
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,186
I'm so
very scared.
237
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,355
‐I'm not going out there!
‐I'm not going out there,
either!
238
00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:09,756
Somebody's got to
get in the cake.
239
00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:12,025
Odds.
240
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:13,360
(softly) One,
two, three.
241
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,462
‐Ahh!
‐Damn! Come on, come on,
2 out of 3, man.
242
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,264
Get in the cake,
butter buns.
243
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,902
I don't feel right
about this.
244
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,570
‐Boom ba‐da boom‐‐
‐Hey, man!
245
00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:25,539
Kidding.
246
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,979
Blanche: Wow! Would you look at
the size of this crowd that
showed up for Stan's funeral.
247
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:34,948
Hey, give the people
what they want,
they always show up.
248
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:38,051
Sophia, it's not
nice to speak
ill of the dead.
249
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:39,286
Believe me,
I'm not.
250
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,891
Hello.
So nice
to see you.
251
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,826
Well, Rose,
what do you
know about that?
252
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,961
A bald man
was glad to
see me.
253
00:13:52,566 --> 00:13:56,236
Well, I want to
thank you all for coming.
254
00:13:56,270 --> 00:14:00,641
Stanley Zbornak meant
a great deal to all of us,
255
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:04,745
but before I bring
a few of his friends
up here to honor him,
256
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:09,850
I'd like to show you a few
minutes of a videotape that
Stan himself made
257
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:14,855
just weeks before his tragic
and unexpected death.
258
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,089
Lights!
259
00:14:21,261 --> 00:14:24,097
Hi. It's me,
ghost Stan.
260
00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,866
Boo!
261
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,304
No, I'm kidding.
It's regular Stan.
262
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,172
And uh, this is just
a little something
263
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:36,009
I put together to show
at my own funeral someday.
264
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:39,580
I want to thank you all
for turning out to bid me
farewell today,
265
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:45,219
and to honor you, I've written
a special poem called,
What my friends mean to me.
266
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:49,256
"My friends sure mean
a lot to me.
267
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,658
Yes, a lot they mean,
indeed."
268
00:14:54,428 --> 00:14:56,630
Live from Miami!
269
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:59,333
It's the International
Bikini Fest.
270
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,068
Where we'll
show you more,
271
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,903
or should I say less,
272
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:03,971
of the latest‐‐
273
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,606
Lights! Lights!
274
00:15:05,639 --> 00:15:09,409
He taped over it.
He taped over his
own funeral message.
275
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:14,414
Well!
276
00:15:14,448 --> 00:15:18,118
I guess
I should screen
these before I...
277
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,821
Well, we certainly
got the gist.
278
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:26,126
And now I'd like to invite
some of Stan's closest friends
279
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,695
up here to say
a few words about him.
280
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:34,168
Attractive, intelligent,
sexy.
281
00:15:34,201 --> 00:15:37,905
These are just a few
of the words Stan
used to describe me.
282
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:46,914
But Stan was a very
important part of my life,
283
00:15:46,947 --> 00:15:49,550
as he was to all our lives.
284
00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:55,522
I first met Stan when
he was a novelty salesman,
285
00:15:55,556 --> 00:15:59,660
and well, I guess God needed
a whoopee cushion laugh,
286
00:15:59,693 --> 00:16:04,932
so... He decided to,
squeeze the air out of Stan.
287
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:09,837
Wake up, Fluffer, wake up!
288
00:16:11,872 --> 00:16:14,541
But she never did.
289
00:16:14,575 --> 00:16:19,479
Now, I know a half hour is a
long time to spend talking
about a dead cat,
290
00:16:20,881 --> 00:16:22,216
oh, but she was really so‐‐
291
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,517
Get to it!
292
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,988
So, speaking
of dead cats,
293
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:30,324
How about this Stanley?
294
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,293
What a loss.
295
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:36,930
He was a special man,
this Stanley,
296
00:16:36,964 --> 00:16:40,801
This marvelous thing
called Stanley.
297
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,236
Boo!
298
00:16:44,538 --> 00:16:46,640
Hoo.
Boo‐hoo.
299
00:16:47,975 --> 00:16:51,378
And now I have the honor
of reading to you.
300
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,280
His epitaph‐‐
301
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:55,949
The epitaph
of a great American.
302
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,820
"Here lies Stan Zbornak,
303
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:04,691
beloved son,
model citizen,
caring father,
304
00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,026
faithful husband‐‐"
305
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,060
All right.
That's it.
306
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,730
I can't listen
to any more
of this.
307
00:17:09,763 --> 00:17:12,699
Oh, Mrs. Petrillo,
I know you're in pain,
308
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:17,437
but of course, it is...
"Through pain
that healing comes."
309
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,505
He's right,
Sophia,
honey.
310
00:17:18,539 --> 00:17:20,207
You're suffering
right now, but‐‐
311
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:23,243
I'm not suffering.
I'm telling you,
Stan is not dead.
312
00:17:23,277 --> 00:17:26,146
Oh, of course he's
not dead honey,
in our hearts.
313
00:17:26,180 --> 00:17:31,218
Yes! So, as it is written...
"He shall live on
314
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,453
as love in all of our hearts."
315
00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:37,057
He wasn't alive in my heart.
He was alive in my kitchen!
He spoke to me in my kitchen.
316
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:40,861
"As he shall speak to me
in the dell...
317
00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,997
And in the village
for the poor and rich alike."
318
00:17:44,031 --> 00:17:47,634
Look, the man smelled
from garbage. He said,
he was going to Madrid.
319
00:17:47,668 --> 00:17:51,405
Uh...
320
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:56,343
Uh... Yea, though the elderly
may become feeble,
321
00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,846
and their minds might
turn to custard‐‐
322
00:17:58,879 --> 00:18:00,681
Let go of me!
He's not dead!
323
00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:02,516
Sophia!
Get a hold
of yourself!
324
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:03,750
Open
the box!
325
00:18:03,784 --> 00:18:07,154
Music!
Music!
326
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:10,891
So uh, as a professional
how do you think
he's doing?
327
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:12,593
‐Well, his moves
are pretty good.
‐Um‐hum.
328
00:18:12,626 --> 00:18:14,928
He's focused
and he's connected
to the audience.
329
00:18:14,962 --> 00:18:17,130
If he could just
stop crying, I'd
give him a ten.
330
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:20,934
Oh, here comes
his big finish.
331
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:22,336
Roland:
Ow!
Paper cut!
332
00:18:30,511 --> 00:18:31,879
You really
got to hand
it to Roland.
333
00:18:31,912 --> 00:18:34,248
He's handled
this thing with
a lot of dignity.
334
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,716
(girls squealing)
335
00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:38,886
Okay! All right!
The show's over!
Topaz has left the building!
336
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,388
Topaz?
337
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:45,125
Yeah man,
they gave me a stage name.
I feel so cheap!
338
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:47,227
Come on, man.
I thought
you did great.
339
00:18:47,261 --> 00:18:49,396
Those women
really got their
money's worth.
340
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:50,531
You saved
the day,
man.
341
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,099
No.
I feel
horrible,
342
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:55,302
just awful man. I mean,
they acted like they'd
never seen a man before.
343
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,905
They were treating me
just like I was a...
344
00:18:57,938 --> 00:18:59,673
Piece of meat?
345
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,175
‐Yeah.
‐Bambi: Hmm.
346
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,211
That's how I felt
the first time I stripped
at a bachelor party,
347
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,313
‐But you'll get over it.
‐How?
348
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,683
Well, when I'm working
I just try to keep my mind
on other things,
349
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:13,754
like the crisis in the Middle
East or the economy
or nuclear proliferation.
350
00:19:15,189 --> 00:19:17,791
Of course,
I don't smile
a lot when I strip.
351
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:20,027
Yeah, you know
when I was the
most humiliated
352
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:22,262
when they started
stuffing money
down my pants.
353
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:24,464
You know
what's even
worse?
354
00:19:24,498 --> 00:19:25,666
‐Making change.
‐Yeah.
355
00:19:25,699 --> 00:19:26,700
(silently)
I hate that.
356
00:19:31,972 --> 00:19:33,774
Ay, well look on
the bright side,
Roland.
357
00:19:33,807 --> 00:19:34,942
I mean,
this is the
last time
358
00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:36,677
you'll ever
be humiliated
like this.
359
00:19:37,511 --> 00:19:39,213
Yeah. Lucky me.
360
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:44,051
Well, I guess I should
be going my taxi's
probably here by now.
361
00:19:44,084 --> 00:19:45,319
Yeah.
362
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:47,554
Hey, Bambi.
Why don't you uh,
let us walk you out?
363
00:19:47,588 --> 00:19:48,622
Yeah.
364
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,991
Wow. That's really
sweet. Thanks.
365
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,627
Hey, have you ever done
a show before, and nobody's
tipped you at all?
366
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:57,598
Oh, yeah. Sometimes
a whole audience will
pull a real Stan on you.
367
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,210
Boy, that was some
scene, Sophia made
at the cemetery.
368
00:20:10,244 --> 00:20:13,514
I know, to throw
herself on top of
the coffin like that,
369
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:15,716
screaming
and yelling?
370
00:20:15,749 --> 00:20:17,317
And then to fall asleep there.
371
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,422
Weird how that guy
came up and measured her.
372
00:20:31,198 --> 00:20:33,500
I wonder
why Stanley
left directions
373
00:20:33,534 --> 00:20:36,136
that his will be
read the same
day as the funeral.
374
00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:38,105
I don't know.
375
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:40,541
Boy, he didn't leave us
what we thought he would.
Did he?
376
00:20:40,574 --> 00:20:42,509
(chuckles) He didn't
leave us anything.
377
00:20:42,543 --> 00:20:45,879
And how come he left
all his money to some
yahoo in Madrid?
378
00:20:48,148 --> 00:20:49,983
Who does he know
in Madrid?
379
00:20:50,017 --> 00:20:51,785
Would you two
stop it?
380
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,054
The man is
just pretending
to be dead.
381
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:55,522
I'm the one
who should
be upset.
382
00:20:55,556 --> 00:20:58,292
All he left me in
his will was this
lousy friendship ring.
383
00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:02,162
A friendship ring
and to think I let
the man see me naked.
384
00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:06,333
He had hiccups!
385
00:21:15,375 --> 00:21:17,678
Poor thing.
She's really
in denial.
386
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,012
We better
go talk to her.
387
00:21:19,046 --> 00:21:21,849
But let's give her
a minute. Stan was
like a son to her.
388
00:21:21,882 --> 00:21:24,051
‐She needs time to let go.
‐Yeah.
389
00:21:31,191 --> 00:21:32,960
Sophia.
390
00:21:32,993 --> 00:21:35,529
Oh, great,
the night of the living dead.
391
00:21:38,165 --> 00:21:39,366
Will you get out of here?
392
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:42,002
I am.
My ship leaves
in 45 minutes.
393
00:21:42,035 --> 00:21:43,270
I just came
to say goodbye.
394
00:21:43,303 --> 00:21:46,740
No. I can't
believe you're
doing this, Stan.
395
00:21:46,773 --> 00:21:49,209
Do you know the pain
you put everyone
through today?
396
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:51,612
I'm not gonna
go to jail,
Sophia.
397
00:21:51,645 --> 00:21:55,182
Maybe they won't put you
in prison. Maybe you can
work something out, maybe‐‐
398
00:21:55,215 --> 00:21:57,317
Why should I
take that chance?
399
00:21:58,185 --> 00:21:59,586
Because I love you.
400
00:22:01,054 --> 00:22:02,189
You love me?
401
00:22:02,222 --> 00:22:04,424
Yes.
You're a pathetic man,
but I love you.
402
00:22:06,927 --> 00:22:08,328
Aw, Ma!
403
00:22:08,362 --> 00:22:10,264
‐The neck! The neck!
‐I'm sorry.
404
00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:14,501
Don't go, Stan.
405
00:22:15,836 --> 00:22:18,505
If you walk out that
door now, you really
will be dead.
406
00:22:20,174 --> 00:22:21,308
I'm sorry,
Sophia.
407
00:22:25,212 --> 00:22:26,547
I love you,
too, Ma.
408
00:22:31,118 --> 00:22:32,286
(door shuts)
409
00:22:41,395 --> 00:22:45,599
Aw, it's gonna be all
right, sweetheart.
It's okay, it's okay.
410
00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:47,734
You finally
understand,
don't you, honey?
411
00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:49,303
Stan is gone.
412
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:51,538
Yeah.
413
00:22:53,106 --> 00:22:54,508
Stan
is gone.
414
00:23:11,325 --> 00:23:13,360
(television)
Well today and
to honor you,
415
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:15,262
I've written
a special poem
called‐‐
416
00:23:15,295 --> 00:23:17,497
(forwards video )
417
00:23:17,531 --> 00:23:18,899
What a yutz!
418
00:23:20,267 --> 00:23:22,469
Live from Miami!
419
00:23:22,503 --> 00:23:25,205
It's the International
Bikini Fest...
33048
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