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1
00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:04,020
HE SIGHS
2
00:00:04,021 --> 00:00:05,079
Ooh, what the hell?
3
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,879
What time is it?
4
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,959
5:30. I've got a job.
5
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,119
Do you have to go now?
6
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:12,239
Come back for a bit.
7
00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,679
I'll make it worth your while.
8
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,919
No. I haven't got time
for your nonsense.
9
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,439
I feel awful.
10
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,959
You've never complained
about my nonsense before.
11
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,839
I can't wait to retire.
12
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:23,679
It can't be normal
to wake up every day
13
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:24,919
feeling like you've
had a stroke.
14
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,279
You can have a stroke.
15
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,079
Stop making moves
on me, you Hobbit!
16
00:00:28,080 --> 00:00:30,359
I feel dreadful. I've got
to be there in half an hour.
17
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,439
Well, you don't normally
need that long, Grandad.
18
00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:33,879
HE SCOFFS Oh, she's
a funny woman, isn't she?
19
00:00:33,880 --> 00:00:34,980
SHE GIGGLES
20
00:00:34,981 --> 00:00:36,079
All right.
21
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:37,519
All right, you sexy munchkin.
22
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:39,319
I'll show you how much
energy Grandad's got.
23
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,359
Oh! Wahey!
24
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:41,600
Now!
25
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,439
Oi! You can't park there.
26
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,079
You can't!
27
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,359
Good morning to you.
28
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,719
Don't worry, I have a permit.
29
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,999
A blue badge? I can't
see a blue badge!
30
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,919
How have you got a blue badge?
31
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,679
He couldn't even get a blue
badge and he has bad legs.
32
00:01:20,680 --> 00:01:22,279
Don't talk about my bad legs!
33
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,039
You want to worry
about your bad eyes!
34
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,439
It's not a blue badge,
35
00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:27,599
it's police-issue so...
36
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:28,879
You're not a policeman!
37
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,959
I'm here to clean.
38
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,159
What?
39
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,279
You're a man!
40
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,919
The world has gone mad!
41
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,799
A man earning a living like
some Scottish single mother?
42
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,119
No, no. I'm a crime
scene cleaner.
43
00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,239
No, you can't park
there, you'll get towed.
44
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:45,359
Come on. We'll miss coffee hour.
45
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,159
Oh, get off me, woman!
46
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,199
When I think of
the girls I courted...
47
00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:52,999
Oh, don't you bore me again
about your horrible sluttish past!
48
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:55,879
It... It wasn't horrible
and it wasn't sluttish.
49
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:57,400
How dare you!
50
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:09,159
ON PA: It's 6:45am and welcome
to Drakefield Community Centre.
51
00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:13,319
The Watercolour Wanderers
are delayed by nine minutes
52
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,720
and a happy 85th
birthday to Alfred.
53
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,480
Hello, you're late.
54
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,839
What's going on?
Why's it so busy?
55
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:29,199
Sorry, I'm the cleaner.
56
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,719
I know who you are. You
were supposed to be here at six.
57
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:33,119
They start to queue from six.
58
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,199
Sorry, traffic.
59
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,639
I'll just crack on,
though, shall I?
60
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:37,359
No, no, no, you can't clean now.
61
00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,679
Can I not? No.
62
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,559
Next session
starts in 12 minutes.
63
00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:42,199
Oh, God, I'd never
hear the end of it.
64
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,159
Jesus Christ,
the letters I'd get.
65
00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,119
Makes me feel physically
sick just thinking about it.
66
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,160
I don't understand.
67
00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,999
OK, once coffee hour's finished,
68
00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,759
then the space is booked
by specialist groups. OK?
69
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,119
They book months in advance and
they do not want to share with anyone.
70
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:56,359
OK?
71
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,719
UNDER BREATH:
There's a committee.
72
00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,959
It's fine. Old people love me.
73
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,199
Mm. OK.
74
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,919
Hey! What happened by the way?
75
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,919
Oh, yeah, Bill, one
of our regulars, he...
76
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,359
He fell off the balcony.
77
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:10,879
YELLING
78
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,240
THUD!
79
00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:14,999
He fell, did he?
80
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,559
Well, the police are pretty sure
that's what happened, Pauline, yeah.
81
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:19,039
Oh, I'm sure they are.
82
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:20,999
Less paperwork.
83
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,040
Bill had bad lungs but there was
nothing wrong with his balance.
84
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,599
Yeah, that won't be the last
conspiracy you hear today.
85
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:31,879
Trust me.
86
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,439
Margaret, did those
drawing pins I ordered arrive?
87
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,159
I can't keep putting these
notices up with my bad hands.
88
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,199
Ah, I'm just waiting on the
committee to OK the spend.
89
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,159
SHE GRUMBLES
90
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,079
There's a lot of bad body
parts here, isn't there?
91
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:48,279
Has anyone actually been
diagnosed with anything?
92
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,839
Oh, they don't go to the doctor.
93
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,719
They don't like to
trouble the doctor.
94
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,999
No, they save it all for me.
95
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,560
Look! Take a piece of advice
from someone who knows, yeah?
96
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,679
This is their world.
97
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,839
Do not get sucked in!
98
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,600
Now sit down and
keep yourself to yourself.
99
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,479
You're in my chair.
100
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,079
Oh, hello again. Sorry.
101
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:22,120
I hate it when people
do that to me in the pub.
102
00:04:23,840 --> 00:04:25,120
Oh!
103
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,159
I'm Wicky, by the way.
104
00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:31,359
Mmm! Now, what's this?
105
00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:34,039
Oh, hello, again. I sit there.
106
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,319
I need a high back!
107
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,200
- HE CHUCKLES - Oh...
108
00:04:37,203 --> 00:04:38,799
The old bad legs again, is it?
109
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,559
I was shot in the
spine in the Falklands.
110
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,039
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
111
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,799
You've done it now.
112
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,080
He's on the committee.
113
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:50,719
Oh.
114
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:53,120
BUSY CHATTER
115
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,239
If you're struggling
a little bit,
116
00:04:58,240 --> 00:04:59,559
I use these for distance.
117
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:00,840
Would you like to...
118
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,760
Eh?
119
00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,679
Oh! This is him.
120
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,799
He said he was glad I was shot.
121
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:14,079
No. I did not!
122
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,399
I'm so sorry, I'll speak
to the gentleman.
123
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:17,839
Oh, dear!
124
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,919
You've made me miss coffee hour.
125
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,799
You've done it now, you bounder!
126
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,359
How will I take my pills?
127
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,159
She uses her tea
to take her pills.
128
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:27,959
AND he's still in my chair!
129
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,879
He needs a high-back chair!
130
00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:34,959
Margaret, this sort
of thing can't carry on.
131
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,960
It just can't.
132
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,919
My glasses...
133
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:42,080
Well, I warned you.
134
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,479
Your first letter.
135
00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,319
Insulting a veteran.
136
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:50,439
Impersonating a police
officer to get free parking.
137
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,199
I thought I told you to
keep yourself to yourself.
138
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,679
I thought I was!
139
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:55,920
SHE HUFFS
140
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:58,320
HE EXHALES
141
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,959
Welcome, ladies.
142
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,520
It's lovely to see you.
143
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,920
Right, let's crack on.
144
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,400
HE EXHALES
145
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,319
Oh, hello.
146
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,479
I'm afraid the Watercolour
Wanderers are fully subscribed.
147
00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,959
We can include you in
an internet waiting list.
148
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,119
Oh, no, I'm sorry, I'm
just here to clean this.
149
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,719
Impossible, I'm afraid.
150
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,239
My artists need a
contemplative atmosphere.
151
00:06:34,240 --> 00:06:39,639
The only sound you will hear will be
the sound of soft brush upon canvas.
152
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,760
So...
153
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,639
Good morning,
Watercolour Wanderers.
154
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:50,519
Art mirrors life and you
have captured life in...
155
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,839
ZIP CLOSING
156
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,360
MUTTERING
157
00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:58,520
..in your art.
158
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,879
Today, though, we
dare to face death.
159
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:06,200
CASE THUDS
160
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:09,160
Sorry.
161
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,039
WHISPERING: It's him over
there and he's nothing but trouble.
162
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:14,919
GLOVES SNAP
163
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:20,319
Our brushes pay homage
to a dearly departed friend.
164
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:21,519
BRUSH SCRUBS LOUDLY
165
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,919
HUSHED GASPS
166
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:28,119
Today, Water Colourers,
we immortalise Bill.
167
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:29,959
OOHING & AHHING
168
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,840
BRUSH SCRUBBING
169
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,560
Oh, so disrespectful!
170
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,880
I'll brush quieter.
171
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,239
..outing you, outing me...
172
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,119
I'm sick of...
173
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:51,840
I'm going to have words with
him. HUSHED COMPLAINTS
174
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,480
It's hard to see in these specs.
175
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,759
I'm sorry, I'm really trying.
176
00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,479
Ahh!
177
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:07,039
SHE GASPS
178
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,480
Oh!
179
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,320
Hello?
180
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,719
SHE GROANS
181
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,439
DEEP RUMBLE
182
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:25,919
THEY BOTH SHRIEK
183
00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,719
Mother of God, someone stop him!
184
00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,800
SHRIEKING CONTINUES
185
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,479
HE SMACKS LIPS
186
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,039
Ah, well, these things happen.
187
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,479
Six letters now.
188
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,439
"It felt like he was dancing
on Bill's grave, naked."
189
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,439
I lent her the
glasses to be helpful!
190
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,039
They don't like to be helped.
191
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,679
They don't want
to be patronised.
192
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:52,999
I thought retirement was some
golden period of happy reflection.
193
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,919
Look, please, just
mind your own business.
194
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:59,039
Only clean when
the space is empty.
195
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,999
And never give up an
opportunity to apologise.
196
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,719
Because they always win.
197
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,959
All right.
198
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,159
I'll go and get some
kit from my van.
199
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,599
Apologetically. Very good.
200
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:10,839
How dare you?
201
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:13,159
Oh, shit. Now she's accusing
Sue! Would you look at her go.
202
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:16,399
Great! That's what happens when
you watch Midsomer Murders all day.
203
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:17,879
Ladies, ladies, ladies... What?
204
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,089
Right... No... Ladies,
ladies, ladies, please. Please.
205
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:27,919
Ah, there you are.
206
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,279
It's this way.
207
00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,680
Sorry? It's in here.
208
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:33,640
Quick as you like.
They're waiting.
209
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:35,880
Who's waiting?
210
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:44,120
Now, then, what a treat
it is for us to welcome...
211
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,800
..Huw Davey!
212
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,799
It is quite the privilege for us
213
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,959
to be joined by a
professional singer
214
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,839
and I know you've all
been looking forward to it.
215
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,239
Oh, I do think there's been
a little bit of confusion here.
216
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,439
This is his pre-show banter.
217
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:05,439
He did all this on the cruise.
218
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,559
No, the thing is, I am
actually just here to clean.
219
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:10,959
A male cleaner! You
were right, he's a riot!
220
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,519
Pick a song, Davey.
221
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,799
This is the Sing-Along
Swingers, not a chat club.
222
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:15,959
Yes, but...
223
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,159
Davey, take it from
me, get them singing.
224
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,679
You're losing them.
225
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,440
HUSHED WHISPERS
226
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,760
Right, well...
227
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,079
Ladies and gentlemen,
I wasn't expecting this,
228
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,239
but let's do this, shall we?
229
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,480
MIC INTERFERENCE
230
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,679
? Pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
231
00:10:41,680 --> 00:10:45,639
? And smile, smile, smile... ?
ORGAN ACCOMPANIES
232
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,079
You know it.
233
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:51,199
? Don't let your fear
and laughter hear the snag
234
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,879
? Smile, boys, that's the style... ?
ORGAN STOPS
235
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,239
Now we're cooking!
236
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,399
? What's the use in worrying?
237
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:02,719
? It never was worthwhile... ?
238
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,160
Oh, shut up! You sing so...
239
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:06,600
So you...
240
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,679
What the hell was that?
241
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,359
How old do you think we are?
242
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,759
Pack Up Your Troubles?
243
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,719
None of us were more
than toddlers in the war!
244
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,719
Oh... I was at Woodstock,
you cheeky pig!
245
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,239
We're boomers!
246
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,039
I've had three abortions.
247
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,199
Three?
248
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,439
Your body, your right.
249
00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:26,039
Now, let's give Mr
Davey a chance.
250
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,039
Get the era right,
Davey, for God's sake!
251
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,639
There's going to be a riot.
252
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:31,679
Yes, but I'm not the singer.
253
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,920
- Follow me.
- HE PLAYS ORGAN
254
00:11:32,923 --> 00:11:35,719
? One, two, three
o'clock, four o'clock, rock
255
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,559
? Five, six, seven
o'clock, eight o'clock, rock
256
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,919
? Nine, ten, 11
o'clock, 12 o'clock, rock
257
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,919
? We're going to rock
around the clock tonight
258
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,359
? Put your glad rags
on And join me... ?
259
00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,080
- No, no. Stop, stop.
- THEY SING
260
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:49,279
Sorry to interrupt!
261
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,160
- Sorry to interrupt.
- SINGING STOPS
262
00:11:51,163 --> 00:11:52,879
Can we have a
word, please? Yeah.
263
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,200
It's fine.
264
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,279
Thatcher out! Oh!
265
00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:58,879
GASPS
266
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:00,959
MIC INTERFERENCE
267
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:02,239
What the hell?!
268
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,479
I tried to tell them.
They wouldn't listen!
269
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,359
Ah. Mr Huw Davey.
Please, do go in.
270
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,402
HIGH-PITCHED: You'll
be hearing from my solicitor!
271
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,959
You are one incident away from
them calling a committee disciplinary.
272
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,279
Please, don't go
opening a pandora's box.
273
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,479
Now, you might get
15 minutes of cleaning
274
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,814
before the Ballroom Follies
take over the main space, OK?
275
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,599
? Oh, Danny boy, the
pipes, the pipes are calling
276
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,679
? From glen to glen... ?
277
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,400
Having a good
morning, young man?
278
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,199
I mean, to be honest, it's more
stressful than I ever imagined.
279
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,399
Poor Bill would be
turning in his grave.
280
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,799
Wonderful man.
281
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,519
Loved by all.
282
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,000
Well, nearly all.
283
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,159
You don't think it was
an accident, do you?
284
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,519
SHE SCOFFS
285
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,279
He fell, did he?
286
00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:53,679
Well, yeah, the police report...
287
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,599
The police! The police...
288
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,159
Wake up!
289
00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:58,399
He was pushed!
290
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,839
BILL YELLS
291
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,079
THUD!
292
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:02,679
WHISPERING: By who?
293
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,199
I have yet to reach
my conclusions,
294
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:09,519
but I am currently
finding Christine's portrait
295
00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:11,240
very interesting.
296
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,240
Ugh.
297
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:23,999
Oh! Now, don't you
go aggravating her,
298
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,039
she's only just managed
to get her pills down.
299
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,239
Actually, Maud, I
wanted to apologise.
300
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,959
I shouldn't have
interfered before.
301
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:32,719
I shouldn't have
lent you my glasses.
302
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,919
You falling over - my fault.
303
00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:36,839
You not being able
to take your pills -
304
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:38,759
also my fault, so...
305
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,600
You can cut my lawn!
306
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,359
Hey? She wants
you to make amends.
307
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,879
OK.
308
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,359
I guess I could pop over on
my day off next Wednesday.
309
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,079
Wednesday is recycling day.
310
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,199
All day?
311
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,800
You heard the woman,
it's recycling day!
312
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,959
One weekend? Ah, lovely!
313
00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,959
A noisy lawnmower
driving the neighbours mad.
314
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:05,159
Why not organise a rave in her
garden, too? Bring a bag of Es!
315
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:06,519
Drugs?!
316
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,239
We can't have
drugs on the property!
317
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,119
Oh, well done,
you've upset her again!
318
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,279
Can't you see she's
got bad nerves?
319
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,840
SHE WHIMPERS
320
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,720
HE SIGHS
321
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:28,799
You look like you need that.
322
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,199
Tough morning?
323
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:31,920
- HE SCOFFS -
Well, I haven't really
324
00:14:31,921 --> 00:14:33,519
had a chance to do anything yet.
325
00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:36,319
People are a little
inflexible round here.
326
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,760
- Yeah.
- THEY CHUCKLE
327
00:14:37,761 --> 00:14:39,040
Would you care to join me?
328
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:42,600
Yeah.
329
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,879
Ballroom Follies?
330
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,279
Yes, I do enjoy a dance.
331
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,519
Gets the creaky
old joints moving.
332
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:55,759
Oh, that's lovely.
333
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:56,959
How long have you been dancing?
334
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,879
Oh, about three years now.
335
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,999
Since my husband died.
336
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,140
HE SMACKS LIPS
337
00:15:02,141 --> 00:15:03,279
Oh.
338
00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,600
Well, that's sweet.
339
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,599
It must be a real
comfort to know
340
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,359
that you'll always
have those memories,
341
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,639
no matter what happens...
342
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:11,839
Bitch!
343
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,319
Sorry?
344
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,799
Look! That Carol Davies.
345
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,759
I knew she'd do this.
346
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,319
I showed her my new ballgown,
347
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:24,199
and she goes straight
out and buys the same one.
348
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,599
Might be a coincidence, no?
349
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,399
Don't be so fucking naive.
350
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:28,680
I've planned for this.
351
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,719
Second dress!
352
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:32,799
Mm.
353
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,559
Right, I'm going
to need your help.
354
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,839
Come to the ladies'.
355
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,039
What?
356
00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,159
I need you to stop
people coming in.
357
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,319
No, no, no, I don't
want to get involved.
358
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,919
Oh, it's too late for that now.
359
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,080
Cover me.
360
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,280
Erm... Cover me.
361
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:05,599
Oh, I'm so sorry, they're out
of action at the moment, so...
362
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,439
Are you having a problem, Carol?
363
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,199
He's blocking the way!
364
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,479
Good God, man, interfering
with the ladies' toilets now.
365
00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,119
Do we need to add
Peeping Tom to your CV?
366
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:19,319
Hey?! He pretended to be
disabled to get a blue badge.
367
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,759
I didn't, Carol.
368
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,839
And I was asked to stand here!
369
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,479
Where's Margaret?
This is a committee job.
370
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,439
We can't have a sexual
deviant blocking the toilets.
371
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,759
All right. Go in.
372
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,120
What do I care!
373
00:16:34,240 --> 00:16:35,639
SCREAMING
374
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:36,959
What the hell?
375
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,199
He's exposed her!
376
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,759
On purpose!
377
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,919
Twisted pervert! Call
a committee meeting.
378
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:44,239
HE COUGHS
379
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,319
Oh! You've set
his lungs off now.
380
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,039
Oh, the committee
will hear about this!
381
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,239
Lovely dress, Carol.
382
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:52,399
Really suits you.
383
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,079
Help me do up the
back, would you?
384
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:58,279
Well, you really
have caused a stir.
385
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,239
I may be able to help you.
386
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,759
Would you mind picking
Artist Of The Week?
387
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:05,639
I don't know whether I should.
388
00:17:05,640 --> 00:17:10,440
It would really help curry
favour with the committee.
389
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:13,960
Argh!
390
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:20,119
Oh, very mysterious coming
out of the smoke there.
391
00:17:20,120 --> 00:17:21,880
Quite regal.
392
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,080
Ah. Oh, yeah. Mm, colours. Nice.
393
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,999
Oh, so funny. Funny face.
394
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Lovely, really nice.
395
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:37,120
Oh, my God!
396
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,319
Problem?
397
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,719
Are you Christine?
398
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:43,839
I am.
399
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,919
I thought so.
400
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,879
How did you know that? Hmm?
401
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,719
Oh, just people have been
talking about your portrait
402
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,360
and I can see why. It's...
403
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,039
It's very interesting.
404
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,399
I-I-In what way?
405
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,200
- Hmm?
- SHE CHUCKLES
406
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,240
Because of the...
407
00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,079
..hands?
408
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,679
Oh. Yes.
409
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,519
I understand that they're
hard to do, aren't they?
410
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,399
Hands, are they...
411
00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,039
They are.
412
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,519
Christine has been
working very hard.
413
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,279
I think she wants to know
414
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,040
what's unique
about her painting.
415
00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,600
Well...
416
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,880
Away, man, say it!
417
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:31,920
HE HESITATES
418
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:38,440
Mm.
419
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,319
Well, it's got a big old nob.
420
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,719
ALL GASP
421
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,480
- Oh!
- SHE BURBLES
422
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,480
I thought that's
what you meant, no?
423
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,959
What the hell is wrong with you?
424
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,559
What's wrong with ME?
425
00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:56,719
Saying a painting of a dead man
426
00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,959
had a big... QUIETLY: ..penis.
427
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,839
WHISPERING: She
did give him a big penis!
428
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,679
You saw she gave
him a big penis!
429
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,039
Everyone saw she
gave him a big penis.
430
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,519
Yeah, well, they want you to
attend the committee hearing now.
431
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:08,759
What?!
432
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,839
Multiple offences.
433
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:11,119
Multiple.
434
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,239
No.
435
00:19:12,240 --> 00:19:13,559
I've just been here
trying to do my job.
436
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,119
I'm not going to attend some
jumped-up geriatric kangaroo court!
437
00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:18,479
They're connected.
438
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,239
Letters will have gone out to
Hunniford, Rippon, the other one.
439
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:23,559
There'll be exposes
on TV, the local press.
440
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,439
They've got the town
MP in their pocket!
441
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:26,639
Oh, God!
442
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,640
HUSHED MURMURING, PHONE VIBRATES
443
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,919
It's my boss.
444
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:36,519
He says I've got to attend
the committee meeting!
445
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,520
HE GASPS
446
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:38,521
Snitches!
447
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,680
They won't stop. Ever.
448
00:19:57,640 --> 00:19:59,879
Anyone in that room
could be the murderer.
449
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:01,559
Will you just leave me alone?
450
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,839
You've got me in enough trouble!
451
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,479
Christine Kenyon
was a viable suspect.
452
00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:08,079
You saw the painting.
453
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:09,720
They were clearly lovers!
454
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:13,239
One last kiss.
455
00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,319
CONSPIRATORIAL MUSIC PLAYS
456
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,479
Why a last kiss, my love?
457
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,279
I won't share you, Bill.
458
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,559
If I can't have
you, no-one will.
459
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,120
BILL YELLS
460
00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:31,879
Frank - him and Bill had
historical beef going back years.
461
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,639
Mostly cucumber-based,
of course.
462
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:37,999
Well, you're putting something
on them, man! It's unnatural.
463
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,639
You think I'd illegally feed
cucumbers to win a competition?
464
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,319
Oh, Frank, this is madness.
465
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:46,320
I'll show you madness.
466
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,840
BILL YELLS
467
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,039
Could you just stop?
468
00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:54,999
Maud is an interesting fish.
469
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,519
Hm! Yeah.
470
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,799
You think Frank is in
charge in that relationship?
471
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,079
Hmm! Think again, my friend.
472
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,079
All I said was, "Coughing
well today, Frank."
473
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,879
You humiliated my man, Bill.
474
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,399
His lungs are bad.
475
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:10,359
He could use my blue badge.
476
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,479
YOU shouldn't have a blue badge!
477
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:14,759
BILL YELLS
478
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:16,760
You do realise I've
stopped listening.
479
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:19,240
This way, please.
480
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,560
Hat off!
481
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:31,559
And also, Bill had borrowed
Carol's hedge trimmers.
482
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:35,159
I think you're sick,
do you know that?
483
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,640
I think you're sick!
484
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,320
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
485
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:46,279
It was a big knob!
486
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,639
OVERLAPPING ARGUMENTS
487
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,440
And he looks like a fat...
488
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:02,400
The Suite For Jazz Orchestra
No. 2 by Dmitri Shostakovich
489
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:14,799
The committee's
let you stay, then?
490
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,519
It's ridiculous,
they've put me on a...
491
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,239
Red card warning, yeah.
492
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:20,999
OK. Well, you know,
keep the head down.
493
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,999
You can clean again
after this last dance.
494
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,159
And, please, just don't upset
any more of them. Yeah?
495
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:27,719
It is a nightmare, this place.
496
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,439
I'm never retiring. Never!
497
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,639
Yeah, I told you.
I tried to tell you.
498
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,159
THUD! STRANGLED SCREAM
499
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,639
Oh, Jesus! Maud's fallen again.
500
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:37,279
Could be another Health
and Safety Tribunal.
501
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,320
Ha-ha, fuck!
502
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,399
Tail between your legs?
503
00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:45,359
I run the Ballroom Follies, too.
504
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,999
All right. Well, don't worry,
505
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,159
I'm not going near
it till you've finished.
506
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,519
You've booked the space, I know.
507
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,399
No, no, it's not that.
508
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,519
One of our dancers is without their
partner today, they're in hospital.
509
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,399
Wondered if you might
step in for the last waltz.
510
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,039
Absolutely not.
511
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:04,119
No. I'm cleaning
and I'm leaving.
512
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,719
Look, you mean well.
513
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,839
I saw that in the
sing-along group.
514
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,719
I'm asking for an act of
compassion. HE SIGHS
515
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,440
Some things are bigger than
your problems, young man.
516
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,519
All right, one dance.
517
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:18,839
Where is she?
518
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,000
She?
519
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:36,680
HE SIGHS
520
00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:45,999
You've had quite
the day, haven't you?
521
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:49,159
I'm beginning to think this is some
sort of cheese dream, to be honest.
522
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:52,319
I thought retirement was
supposed to be peaceful.
523
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,159
This is just a load of
spiteful overgrown children,
524
00:23:56,160 --> 00:24:00,599
petty recriminations,
murder conspiracy theories.
525
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:01,799
Pauline.
526
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:04,479
Before she
discovered the centre,
527
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,039
Pauline spent most of her
days at home in front of the telly.
528
00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,159
HE SCOFFS
529
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,559
No-one murdered
Bill, for God's sake!
530
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:14,239
No, but it's nice to
see a fertile imagination
531
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,639
having a run out, isn't it?
532
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:17,039
Well...
533
00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,320
I don't think you've quite got the
measure of this place, have you?
534
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,199
You see Frank?
535
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,319
Old bad legs? Yeah.
536
00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:27,119
Used to be a pilot.
537
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:33,520
Oh. And Christine over there ran
an emergency ward for 30 years.
538
00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:36,239
You get my point?
539
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:38,479
I'm afraid I haven't got a
clue what you're talking about.
540
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,959
Where does all that energy go?
541
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,879
Where's that sense of purpose?
542
00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:50,119
It's here, in this
wonderful, wonderful place.
543
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,839
Then why does everyone
seem so unhappy?
544
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:54,239
MUFFLED CHATTER
545
00:24:54,240 --> 00:24:55,720
Oh, look again.
546
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,560
INAUDIBLE
547
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,199
You know, you're
a terrible dancer.
548
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,320
But I wish I'd given you
a whirl around myself.
549
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:32,999
Best not.
550
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,399
I'm a pervert.
551
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,720
Who says I'm not?
552
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,720
Oh.
553
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,480
BUSY CHATTER
554
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:02,760
OVERLAPPING COMPLAINTS
555
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:05,720
HE SIGHS
556
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,000
Argh!
557
00:26:32,480 --> 00:26:33,879
Fair enough.
558
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:35,120
Rules are rules.
559
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,640
See you now. Bye.
560
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:49,639
It's ridiculous.
561
00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:50,999
It should be in the budget!
562
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,599
Blu-Tack for mucky fingers will
have to come from your subscription.
563
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,759
Well, I think our fees for the
space should cover more than that,
564
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,559
thank you very much!
Bill, I have a lot on...
565
00:26:57,560 --> 00:26:58,839
Does the committee
know about this?
566
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:00,599
I think the committee
would be very interested
567
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,159
in where that money is going.
568
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,399
You're not suggesting...
569
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,239
And people have noticed
you running around
570
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:10,479
in a rather nice
NEW Citroen Saxo.
571
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:13,040
How dare you!
572
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:16,520
SHE GRUNTS, HE YELLS
573
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:19,400
Oh!
574
00:27:19,401 --> 00:27:20,560
THUD!
575
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,719
Pack Up Your Troubles In Your Old Kitbag And
Smile, Smile, Smile by George Powell & Felix Powell
576
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:37,119
? Pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
577
00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:40,239
? And smile, smile, smile
578
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:44,199
? While you've a
lucifer to light your fag
579
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,519
? Smile, boys, that's the style!
580
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,879
? What's the use of worrying?
581
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,119
? It never was worthwhile
582
00:27:54,120 --> 00:27:58,039
? So pack up your
troubles in your old kitbag
583
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,400
? And smile, smile, smile. ?
584
00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:06,000
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