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1
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VAN DOOR SHUTS
2
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All right?
3
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,760
You're a big lad.
4
00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:44,960
Thank you?
5
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,319
What are you up
to? I'm here to clean.
6
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,679
Come on, be serious.
7
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,519
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
8
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,239
Crime scene?
9
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,879
Oh, for the, uh, shepherd's hut.
10
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:57,879
Some poor lad
tried to do himself in.
11
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,999
Oh, no! It wasn't
a shotgun, was it?
12
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,959
Not being insensitive,
you know, but they're a bit
13
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,279
"Pfff! Pfff! Speurgh!"
14
00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,359
You know. Messy.
15
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,879
I think it was pills.
Yeah, he's all right.
16
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,439
He's in the hospital
now, apparently.
17
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,360
But, uh, it's a right
old mess in there.
18
00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:15,520
Honk and plop.
19
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,839
Honk and plop? Honk
and plop all over the shop.
20
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,799
It's like a bloody pig pen.
21
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:23,679
Well, I'm a blood
spatter specialist.
22
00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,239
I don't get called out for
honk and plop. By the way,
23
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:27,999
"honk and plop" is not a phrase.
24
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:29,319
Well, you'd better get to work.
25
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,520
She wants it rented
out at all times.
26
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:33,880
Have you, uh...
27
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,279
Have you seen her yet?
28
00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,199
Who? Lara. The owner.
29
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:41,519
What do you mean?
30
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:45,079
She is a prime slice
of marbled totty. Right.
31
00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:48,239
Nice, is she? Oh,
the curves on her.
32
00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:51,639
She's like Jessica
Rabbit, but not a rabbit.
33
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,160
She's like...
34
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,079
..the Cadbury's rabbit.
35
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:59,279
Is she a rabbit? No, but I
bet she bloody goes like one.
36
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,919
She has got the lot - face,
37
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,959
boobies, and a bum like a peach
38
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:08,079
plucked from the
branch in Provence.
39
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,879
A ripe peach. Overripe,
if anything. Messy...
40
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,399
All right. OK, I get it.
She's a messy rabbit.
41
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,559
She's a messy rabbit, all right!
42
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,559
I'm telling you, if I
got the green light,
43
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,959
I'd be at her like a
bloody sewing machine.
44
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,359
Ooh, yeah.
45
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:24,040
Ooh! Ooh!
46
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,999
Hey. Hey!
47
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,839
Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
48
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:32,159
I heard you the first
time. She's a messy rabbit.
49
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,400
Who's a messy rabbit?
50
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,319
Oh. No, sorry.
51
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,479
He was just saying that, um...
52
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,320
Hee-hee, hee-hee, hee-hee!
53
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:43,159
Sorry. I'm looking
for the owner.
54
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:46,159
I'm the owner. No,
but you're, um...
55
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,679
Are you? It's just he said
you were, but you're...
56
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,119
Are you trying to say pregnant?
57
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,959
Yes, you are. Obviously!
58
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,599
One doesn't like to assume.
59
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,799
You thought I might
just be fat? You're not fat.
60
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,559
No, I'm... Yes. With child.
61
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:04,159
I didn't ride to a stable
on a fucking donkey.
62
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,479
Do you struggle with
the word "pregnant"? No.
63
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,359
Say it, then. Preg-nont?
64
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,519
Oh. Oh. Fair play.
That did sound weird.
65
00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,119
The shepherd's hut's over there.
66
00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:14,680
I need it cleaned by tonight.
67
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:17,479
Do you need anything?
68
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,879
I'll have a cuppa if you're
offering. I'm not. Oh. Too busy.
69
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,120
OK.
70
00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,079
I haven't been over
yet. Is it messy rabbit?
71
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,879
Is it messy?
72
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,080
Well, it needs cleaning. But
you're a cleaner, aren't you?
73
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,320
Crime scene
cleaner. So a cleaner.
74
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,919
How is he? The guy in hospital.
75
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,719
How should I know?!
76
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,200
5pm, please.
77
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:07,639
Cake? Huh?
78
00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:09,559
The missus made it,
so it's probably poisoned.
79
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,159
You made a swift
exit. I told you, didn't I?
80
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:13,759
What a filly, eh?
81
00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,719
Bold as brass and
twice as bouncy.
82
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,959
Why didn't you tell me she
was preg-nont? Pregnant.
83
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,959
Hey. Absolute fun
house, though, isn't she?
84
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,799
I don't know. I don't think she
liked me. She was quite cold.
85
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,039
I know.
86
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,199
That's what drives me crazy.
87
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,239
I sometimes mow the
lawn badly on purpose.
88
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,559
Little does she know, while
she's giving me that disapproving
89
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,959
look, I'm like a bloody
pine tree downstairs.
90
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,559
I've got two heavy baubles.
91
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,879
Tinsel weaving... Enough.
92
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,000
Have a bit of respect. The
woman's having a baby.
93
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,319
Don't worry. She's single.
94
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:48,879
You can still get in there.
95
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,559
I don't want to get in anywhere,
apart from in this shepherd's hut.
96
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,039
I think she's given
me the wrong key.
97
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:57,239
It sounds daft, but I'm a bit
scared to tell her I can't get in.
98
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,039
Oh, pull yourself together, lad.
99
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,679
I'll tell her I need some water,
and then I'll have a look for a key
100
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,440
when I'm in there. Uh!
101
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,199
Hey. She didn't even
have a bloke, you know.
102
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,119
Turkey baster job.
103
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,359
What? Well, she's
knocking on, isn't she?
104
00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,239
She wanted a little 'un, so she
got hold of some special boy sauce
105
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:16,520
- and...
- HE SLURPS
106
00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:17,999
"Beep, beep!
107
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,239
Lucky baster, I say.
108
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:23,079
My God, what I wouldn't do to
have half an hour with my socks
109
00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:24,599
off bouncing around that castle.
110
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,439
Do you ever do any gardening,
or are you too busy just writing
111
00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,199
in to Razzles'
readers' wives section?
112
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,799
Come on, big lad.
113
00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,719
She's ripe for the taking.
114
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,319
Too old to have
a bun in the oven.
115
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,839
She'll consider owt.
116
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,359
You're not an ugly lad.
From the right angle.
117
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,399
It's none of my business
what she does. All right?
118
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,079
And I don't want to star
in your rural Carry On film
119
00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:46,079
about some woman who's
had to use a turkey baster
120
00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,839
because she's too
old to be a mum.
121
00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,479
I what?!
122
00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:51,359
Oh. No.
123
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,319
He was just
because of the, um...
124
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,639
Because...
125
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:56,879
HE HISSES
126
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,040
The...
127
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:04,879
Johannes, you are incompetent.
128
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,359
No. You had your
chance to reassure them.
129
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,800
Now I am going to have
to go to Munich in person.
130
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,679
No, I don't want you to go.
131
00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:14,759
I want you to charter me a jet.
132
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,519
Can you manage that?
133
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:17,839
Careful. There's a knack to...
134
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,120
Hey! Hey! Hey!
135
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:22,999
Hey, hey, hey!
136
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,680
We'll talk about this
in your review. Hey!
137
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:29,200
WATER DRAINS
138
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:31,759
Did you get your water OK?
139
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,399
There's something
wrong with your plumbing.
140
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,519
Well, I mean, not your
plumbing, obviously.
141
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,279
That's fine.
142
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,239
And we're back on
my pregnancy again.
143
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,039
Yes, and on that,
144
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,839
I did not say that out there.
That was your gardener.
145
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,479
So... Donald is mourning the
death of his wife of 40 years.
146
00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,719
Is he? Yes. He tends to be
147
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,599
fighting back tears
most of the time.
148
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:56,119
So perhaps rather than using
an old man's pain as an excuse
149
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,479
for your opinions, you should...
150
00:06:57,480 --> 00:06:59,519
I don't think you're
too old to be a mum.
151
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:02,639
Don't you? No! I like old mums.
152
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,599
Old... OLDER mums.
153
00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,639
Nice. Nice mature mummies.
154
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,839
That's wrong. That sounds
like one of Weasel's films.
155
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,159
He shouldn't sell them down
the market. They're illegal.
156
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,999
I have a flight to pack for.
157
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,120
You have your water.
158
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,399
Hang on. You can't fly.
159
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,639
Why shouldn't I?
160
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,319
You don't want to give birth
mid-air like a crow, do you?
161
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:24,560
Is that it? Nah, it'd
be nests, would it?
162
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,079
My God.
163
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:30,479
Oh. A van in your drive.
164
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,439
Yes. It's paint for the
nursery. Decorators.
165
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:35,639
No, it's a delivery.
166
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,399
I'm painting my nursery.
167
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,799
Are you?! Yes. I'm pregnant.
168
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,080
I'm not ill.
169
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,440
Nice. What colour
are you going for?
170
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,639
Oh.
171
00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:48,920
I see.
172
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,160
Oh, the... the key?
173
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,440
PHONE BUZZES
174
00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:18,679
Um...
175
00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:19,960
Your phone is...
176
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,920
Sorry, your-your phone's going.
177
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,399
Hello? Lara.
178
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:29,119
Oh, no. Sorry. She's
not here at the moment.
179
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:31,999
Who's that? Oh, I'm just doing
a little bit of work here. Right.
180
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,959
I've heard about this dreadful
business in the shepherd's hut.
181
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,079
How is she?
182
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:36,759
She seems fine. Well, she's not.
183
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,199
She's in shock, and in her
condition that is very serious.
184
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,440
Hot, sweet tea.
185
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,879
Sorry? Make her a
cup of hot, sweet tea.
186
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,439
I will be over shortly.
187
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:46,919
Oh, no.
188
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:49,279
Listen, I don't think
I should do that.
189
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,879
You boys will never have to
endure the horrors of childbirth.
190
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:54,439
And that is as nature
intended. But your role is vital.
191
00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,719
If I arrive at that house and
my daughter is not sitting
192
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,479
in a chair with a cup
of hot, sweet tea, I shall
193
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,279
be extremely disappointed.
194
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,199
Tell her Mummy is coming.
195
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,599
Yeah, but...
196
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,400
LINE GOES DEAD
197
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,400
Mummy's coming.
198
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,479
Tea break, is it? What the fuck?
199
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,599
Oh.
200
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,279
HE LAUGHS
201
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,479
Sorry. No, this is for
you. Hot, sweet tea.
202
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,239
I don't want a tea. Really?
203
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,239
She was quite insistent.
Who was? Your mum.
204
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,079
My mum's here? No, I just
spoke to her on the phone.
205
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:32,439
What, you answered my phone?
206
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,119
Why would you answer my phone?
207
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,799
Oh, well, you
weren't around. And...
208
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:38,359
Anyway, she's coming over.
209
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:40,959
I don't want her to
come over. I'm going out.
210
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,719
I could call her back. No.
211
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,799
I want you to clean
my shepherd's hut.
212
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,359
Sorry, I didn't
mean to upset you.
213
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:48,039
I'm not upset. I'm angry.
214
00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:50,079
You do understand
the difference.
215
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,519
Yes.
216
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,399
Now...
217
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,559
..you listen to me.
218
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,199
No.
219
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,319
Sorry.
220
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,799
I thought we were playing
Belly, Belly, Poke, Poke.
221
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,519
Since you've been here, you
have inappropriately commented
222
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:07,839
on my looks, age, fertility
and means of conception.
223
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:10,799
You've interfered in my travel
plans, made judgments about them,
224
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:14,079
and patronised me by doing
jobs you were not asked to do.
225
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,519
You've helped yourself to the
contents of my kitchen cupboards,
226
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:18,919
answered a call on my personal
phone and, even as we speak,
227
00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,239
are being paid for a
job you have not started!
228
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,759
I haven't included
gender-profiling my unborn child
229
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,439
just to give you the
benefit of the doubt.
230
00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:27,679
I haven't said anything
about your unborn kid.
231
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:29,719
WHINEY VOICE: "What
colour will the nursery be?"
232
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,159
HE GASPS
233
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:32,840
SHE SCOFFS
234
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,539
What am I going
to say to your mum?
235
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,759
Tell her I've gone
to get my hair done.
236
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,119
She'll like that.
237
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,079
And do not tell
her about my flight.
238
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,319
Do you understand?
239
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:48,960
SHE SCOFFS
240
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:00,959
Oh.
241
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,999
Fired her up a treat
there, didn't you?
242
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,919
All I did was make her a cup
of tea and told her her mum
243
00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:07,959
was coming round.
What are the rules here?
244
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,199
Her mum?! You jammy bastard.
245
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,599
How'd you get two of
them on the go? What?!
246
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:13,999
Mother and daughter.
247
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,399
Bit of sweet and sour on a
Friday never did anyone any harm.
248
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,039
Hey, she scrubs up all right
249
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:23,039
for an old bird, you know.
Like smoked pheasant.
250
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,359
Gamey, but rich in flavour.
251
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,439
SINISTER LAUGHTER
252
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,999
I need to get into that hut.
253
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,439
Oh, don't worry about that.
254
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,839
No, you've got enough on
your plate, you old horn bag.
255
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:36,559
Save your energy.
256
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:37,879
Can you go away?
257
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,439
It was you that got
me into all this shit.
258
00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:42,199
You're the one doing the
mother-daughter double.
259
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,919
Oh, is that going spare?
260
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:45,399
I'm not doing anyone.
261
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:46,560
I need to work.
262
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,559
Hey, what's all that about
your wife being dead?
263
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:53,039
Oh, well, I just said that in
case I was in with a shout.
264
00:11:53,040 --> 00:11:54,439
I didn't bank on
you coming round,
265
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,520
going through the whole
family like a threshing machine.
266
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:01,280
Bloody hell, lad. Did
you put salt in this?
267
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,119
Argh!
268
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:11,280
How's it possible
to hate a door?
269
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:29,799
Hello.
270
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,519
Ah. Was it you I
spoke to on the phone?
271
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,159
Yes. She's not in at the moment.
272
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,599
She's just popped out
to have her hair done.
273
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,319
Good God. What for?
274
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,559
She said you'd like it.
275
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,280
Have you ever seen what
childbirth does to a vagina?
276
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,199
No. Mine looked like a pack
of hyaenas had been at it.
277
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,000
What do you make of that?
278
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,080
Look at me.
279
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,559
Look at me.
280
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,920
I said, what do
you make of that?
281
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:00,999
I don't like it.
282
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,079
No, I mean, the last
thing I was concerned
283
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:06,399
about when I was split asunder
was how nice my hair looked.
284
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,119
But that's Lara for
you. Warped priorities.
285
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,319
Right. You crack on with the
nursery, and I will go and make that
286
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,519
kitchen fit for the
arrival of a child.
287
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,920
Chop, chop!
288
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,240
Told you. Hot sex mutton.
289
00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,719
As I expected, the place
is a petri dish of germs.
290
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,279
The girl has no idea
what's about to hit her.
291
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,959
If you're taking a
break from the nursery,
292
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,399
you can help me here.
293
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,999
No, sorry. I should
have said, actually.
294
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,839
I'm here to clean
the shepherd's hut.
295
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,879
You're all wet.
296
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,559
Oh, yeah. I had
a little accident.
297
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,039
Right. Get those clothes off.
298
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,559
Oh, no, I don't think
I should do that.
299
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,359
Well, you're no good to me
damp, man. We have things to do.
300
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:56,839
We'll put those in the tumble
dryer, then come up with a plan.
301
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,319
No! Sorry.
302
00:13:58,320 --> 00:13:59,639
No.
303
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:00,960
Absolutely not.
304
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,679
Yes, bought some sperm,
305
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,759
the way I'd throw a
punnet of grapes in a trolley.
306
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,960
I said to her, "Enjoy
raising a serial killer's baby."
307
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,359
Are my clothes dry yet?
308
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:16,839
Oh, I mean, when I think of
the life that girl could have had.
309
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,319
Is it any wonder he
tried to take his own life?
310
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:21,919
Replaced by a
science experiment.
311
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,639
Who? Did she not tell you
312
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:25,439
who the man in the
shepherd's hut was?
313
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:27,439
He was her ex-husband.
314
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,439
No way! Who can blame him?
315
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,199
I mean, what role
have you boys got left?
316
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,239
Being male is toxic these days.
317
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:37,639
A man putting together a flat-pack
wardrobe for a lady is the modern
318
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,999
day equivalent of a flasher.
319
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,039
And was flashing so terrible?
320
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,959
I mean, if you want to show
me your privates, go ahead.
321
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,799
I'll pass judgment and we
can both get on with our days.
322
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,639
No, thank you.
323
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,119
Look, can I go back to the hut?
324
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:51,759
She really was quite
adamant, you know.
325
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,079
Oh, she always was.
Always had an opinion.
326
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:56,799
Caused chaos at her Brownie
pack, insisting they should be allowed
327
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,999
to wear trousers. Right.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
328
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,959
Is it? Is a nine-year-old girl
going on hunger strike good?
329
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
Yeah. OK. Fair point.
330
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:08,519
Look, I know you're worried
about her, but honestly,
331
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,719
she really does seem
very organised, you know?
332
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,159
Do you think?
That poor little mite.
333
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,399
Not even a nursery to
pop its little head down in.
334
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,359
No, I think she's
got it all worked out.
335
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,000
I think when she gets back
from Munich, she'll, um...
336
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:26,960
Munich?
337
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,760
Um...
338
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:34,839
Please. Not my passport.
339
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:37,359
She can't fly. She's
37 weeks pregnant.
340
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,999
If you think I'm going to allow my
granddaughter to be born mid-air
341
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,119
like a crow, you've got
another think coming.
342
00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,479
I've googled this and
they 100% use nests.
343
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,639
What my daughter needs
now is a man, so be a man.
344
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,479
Do you really think it's a good
idea jetting off to another country
345
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,559
when the life you are bringing
into the world doesn't even
346
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:58,239
have a bed to lay in, let alone
the hirsute arms and well-built body
347
00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:59,359
of a father?
348
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,479
You may have been made a
eunuch by the woke brigade.
349
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:03,520
Some of us still have balls!
350
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:07,920
Please!
351
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,279
Wait!
352
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:12,600
I'm scared of her!
353
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,600
You're a bloody animal, lad!
354
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:17,799
HE CHUCKLES
355
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,120
Yeah?!
356
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,040
Oh!
357
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:29,600
Be a man.
358
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:32,560
What is man?
359
00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,399
What would man do?
360
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,920
The Blue Danube
by Johann Strauss II
361
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:20,679
Now, before you say
anything, let me explain.
362
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,639
I didn't do this because
I thought you couldn't.
363
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,079
Of course you could.
364
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,559
I did this because I was here.
365
00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,520
I know, as I'm sure you know,
no man or wu-man is an island.
366
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,480
It takes a community to
bring a life into the world.
367
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:45,200
Well, for me, it was just about
being part of that community.
368
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:47,840
Just for a little while.
369
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:53,920
This isn't the nursery.
370
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,159
Hmm?
371
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,919
This is the laundry room.
372
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,879
Why would I have the nursery
so far from my bedroom...
373
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,439
..in the laundry room?
374
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:06,000
Yeah, that doesn't make
sense at all, actually, does it?
375
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,360
And what the fuck is that?
376
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,360
It's a gender-neutral bear.
377
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,119
I have a flight to catch in
one hour, and now I have two
378
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,559
rooms to paint.
379
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:22,840
Thank you.
380
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:25,867
And why are you wearing
my dressing gown?
381
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,839
Huh?
382
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,080
Look at me.
383
00:18:31,560 --> 00:18:33,120
Look at me.
384
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,040
Why are you wearing
my dressing gown?
385
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,160
I got cold.
386
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,159
I don't know where you
get the energy from, lad.
387
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,919
You must be gobbling
vitamins like a hungry hippo.
388
00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,919
Get away from me,
you twisted pervert!
389
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,839
Oh, ey up, her
comes your missus.
390
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:02,560
She must have heard
about you and her mum. Ooh!
391
00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:05,799
Where is it?
392
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,999
Huh? My passport. Where is it?
393
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,079
I haven't got it.
Well, it's gone.
394
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,479
And you're the only
person who knows I'm flying.
395
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,799
Look, I don't know
anything about it, all right?
396
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,639
I just want to get
on with my job.
397
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,719
Thought you'd make an
executive decision, did you?
398
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,039
Where is it?
399
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,119
I've got no ideaaaa!
400
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,720
Yeah!
401
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,479
The strength!
402
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,239
It's unholy.
403
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,399
On... your... knees.
404
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,240
Argh! Yeah!
405
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,319
My passport!
406
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:41,359
Where is it?!
407
00:19:41,360 --> 00:19:42,959
I haven't got it.
408
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,799
HE WAILS
409
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,039
It's your mum.
410
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,440
She took it.
411
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:52,320
I told her about the
flight. You did what?
412
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,520
I know about your
ex. She told me.
413
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,400
It's a lot for you to take on.
414
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:01,960
It wasn't your fault.
415
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,599
I think he was just overwhelmed.
416
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,919
I think he just
wanted to be a father.
417
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,240
That's what she told you?
418
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,399
He's a loser.
419
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,959
But he tried to
take his own life.
420
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,839
He didn't try to take his life.
421
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,159
He just turned up
pissed - as usual.
422
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:19,559
We split up ten years ago.
423
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,759
He just took a bottle of
whisky to the shepherd's hut
424
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,039
and locked himself in.
425
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,199
It is typical of my mum
to romanticise things
426
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,679
and, it seems,
you to believe it.
427
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,479
Yeah. I've had a bad run of
judgment lately, I'll admit that.
428
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:33,640
I'm going to pack.
Clean... my... hut.
429
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,200
I can't get in!
430
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,520
For fuck's sake!
431
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,719
Bloody hell!
432
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,320
There's a knack to it.
433
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,800
Seriously?
434
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,319
FLIES BUZZ
435
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,719
Oh, my God.
436
00:20:57,720 --> 00:20:59,039
What?
437
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:00,439
HE RETCHES
438
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,159
It's just it's so much
worse than he said it was.
439
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,879
I clean up blood and
guts every day, but I just...
440
00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:08,559
I can't stand...
441
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:09,919
Honk and plop?
442
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,360
So it is a phrase.
443
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:13,559
HE RETCHES
444
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:14,919
Pass me the mop.
445
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,079
Oh, no. I couldn't let
you. Just give it to me.
446
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,720
HE RETCHES
447
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,479
? A clean-up woman
448
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:33,279
? Is a woman who
449
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,480
? Gets all the love
we girls leave behind
450
00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:43,679
? The reason I know
so much about her
451
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:48,599
? Is because she
picked up a man of mine
452
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:51,919
? I took this man's love
and put it on a shelf... ?
453
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:53,959
Good. OK. Now,
what you need to be...
454
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,400
? And like a fool I thought
I had him all to myself
455
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:04,399
? When he needed
love I was out having fun
456
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:10,159
? But I found out
that all I had done
457
00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:12,519
? Was made it easy
458
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,319
? For the clean-up woman... ?
459
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,879
Sorry.
460
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,639
He'd have been really
impressed if it was blood.
461
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,960
Not bad. Thank you.
462
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,800
Oh!
463
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,639
Now what?
464
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,160
I'm going to miss
my bloody flight.
465
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:02,519
I'm amazed your gardener
hasn't popped up yet.
466
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:03,879
He'll have gone home.
467
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,119
He's not been himself
since his wife passed.
468
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,279
He seemed devastated.
469
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,199
He really was.
470
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,719
Well, there you go.
471
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,879
You can never meet a partner.
Or you can meet one and they die.
472
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,039
Either way, you're on your own.
473
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,319
Bloody hell. Cheer up.
474
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,079
If it's that bleak, why are
you having a kid anyway?
475
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,239
Mainly because
I've had a good time.
476
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,879
I've picked rubbish men.
477
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,799
But I've really enjoyed
knocking about on this planet.
478
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,479
I thought I might be a
good coach to a little one.
479
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,559
You really will be.
480
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,160
Not that you asked my opinion.
481
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:39,599
But, come on.
482
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,559
I mean, partner or not, no-one
can do it all by themselves, can they?
483
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,160
Oh, you might be right.
484
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,519
But you and I have a bigger
problem on our hands right now.
485
00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:49,600
Hey?
486
00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,160
My waters have broken.
487
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,719
Oh, fuck.
488
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:57,520
I thought you said you'd
be OK with blood. Oh, f...
489
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,640
Sh!
490
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,800
I can't fit through there!
491
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:06,239
No.
492
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,479
You can't. And nor can you.
493
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,119
If a crow can give birth
mid-air, or in a nest, I can get
494
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,559
through that skylight.
Enough about crows.
495
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,119
A man with your belly
cannot fit through that skylight.
496
00:24:17,120 --> 00:24:19,679
What do you think
I do at the beach?
497
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,119
HE INHALES DEEPLY
498
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,639
I hold it in.
499
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,040
SHE SCREAMS
500
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,280
Yeah!
501
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,320
HE GROANS
502
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,480
HE SCREAMS
503
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:44,960
HE SCREAMS
504
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,800
SHE SCREAMS
505
00:24:58,280 --> 00:24:59,960
Ah!
506
00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:06,720
SHE SCREAMS
507
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:15,840
I'm free!
508
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,400
I'm a man!
509
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,200
Get stuck in there, lad.
510
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:28,839
Don't worry. We can
do this... together.
511
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:30,039
I've had it.
512
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,719
Hey? The baby. I've had it.
513
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,359
BABY CRIES
514
00:25:35,360 --> 00:25:37,199
Oh, yeah!
515
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,879
Ah! Well done.
516
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:41,399
Help me, then!
517
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:42,800
Yes.
518
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,040
BABY COOS
519
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,320
That is safe?
520
00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,959
It's water.
521
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,919
I do know what I'm doing
sometimes, you know.
522
00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:04,320
Come on, you.
523
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,080
We're going to be OK, aren't we?
524
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,519
Of course you are.
525
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:14,200
I was talking to the baby. Yeah.
526
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:18,399
We're going to sleep
in the nursery tonight...
527
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,720
..with the gender-neutral bear.
528
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,279
Are you?
529
00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:23,480
Are we fuck?!
530
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,119
Darling?!
531
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:29,600
I rang her. Wrestle
me if you want.
532
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:33,839
Oh. Oh!
533
00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,479
Oh, darling, she's beautiful!
534
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,959
He, Mum. HE'S beautiful.
535
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,879
Have you fed him yet? Oh,
that's not how you hold him.
536
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,639
Come here. Let Nanny show you.
537
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,199
I'm managing.
538
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,759
And you did it all
without gas and air.
539
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,199
Oh, was it very painful?
540
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,079
Horrendous. That's my girl!
541
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,320
Ooh!
542
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,639
Hey, talk me through it, then.
543
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,280
Bet you had a right eyeful.
544
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,799
Oh, hello, love.
545
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,599
What are you doing
here? Looking for you.
546
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,839
I didn't want to just
leave you a note.
547
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,119
I'm leaving you.
548
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,159
What?
549
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,719
No. Y-y-you can't.
550
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,800
I'm sorry. It's
nothing personal.
551
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,679
Donald, I have needs.
552
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,239
It's not your fault you can't...
553
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:33,720
But I have needs!
554
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,600
Damn you, little Donald!
555
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:45,640
Damn you!!!
556
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,159
Do you wish we'd had kids?
557
00:27:58,160 --> 00:27:59,439
Hmm?
558
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:01,440
Do you wish you
and me had had kids?
559
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:04,880
No. One's enough, babe.
560
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:10,319
Yeah.
561
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:12,280
Too much honk and plop, innit?
562
00:28:12,330 --> 00:28:16,880
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