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1
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,220
You guys, I cannot
find Rebecca on Instagram,
2
00:00:18,220 --> 00:00:20,390
and I've done every possible combination.
3
00:00:20,390 --> 00:00:22,770
Rebecca Vassar. Rebecca car accident.
4
00:00:22,770 --> 00:00:26,600
Oh, car accident. Maybe she's not on there
because maybe she's dead.
5
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:29,270
- Did she die?
- No. She just broke her wrist.
6
00:00:29,270 --> 00:00:32,610
For attention. And it was
a very high-level move. I respect it.
7
00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:35,160
Okay, you guys,
Rebecca's not on Instagram.
8
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,490
Wait. How do people know
that she goes on vacation?
9
00:00:37,490 --> 00:00:40,200
She doesn't need validation
like the rest of us.
10
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:44,040
- How am I supposed to compete with that?
- Mm. You can't. You need way too much.
11
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:45,040
- You need a lot.
- Don't!
12
00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,630
That's not helping my anxiety for tonight.
We have our first real date.
13
00:00:48,630 --> 00:00:50,170
Okay, focus.
14
00:00:50,670 --> 00:00:53,050
You gotta lock this guy down. Like, fast.
15
00:00:53,050 --> 00:00:56,550
He is hot. He's employed.
He doesn't have kids. He comes from money.
16
00:00:56,550 --> 00:00:59,390
He's like a fucking unicorn in this town.
17
00:00:59,390 --> 00:01:02,810
And, babe, the clock is ticking
on that face of yours.
18
00:01:02,810 --> 00:01:04,890
How long do you think I have left
on my face?
19
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:07,770
I'm talking months, not years.
I know. It's bad. I'm sorry.
20
00:01:07,770 --> 00:01:10,150
- Can we talk about the podcast real quick?
Yes.
21
00:01:10,150 --> 00:01:12,530
You're interviewing
that sex therapist tomorrow,
22
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,570
so you gotta pick up
the vibrator she's selling.
23
00:01:14,570 --> 00:01:17,030
- Yes. What's it called? The Plower?
- No, the Excavator.
24
00:01:17,030 --> 00:01:20,700
- No, no, no. It's the Obliterator.
- Oh, I love that thing!
25
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:24,830
But warning, you do really need
to work your way up to level ten.
26
00:01:24,830 --> 00:01:27,460
- Like, take it slow.
Little by little.
27
00:01:27,460 --> 00:01:29,790
- Yeah, yeah.
28
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:35,670
Okay, so you should need at least
one of these tonight unless you biff it.
29
00:01:36,170 --> 00:01:38,640
It's so weird how you buy condoms
for all your friends.
30
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:39,680
We all talk about it.
31
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,760
All right, just take your pick.
32
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,730
I want you to feel comfortable,
so take whatever you need. No judgment.
33
00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:48,900
- Everyone's built differently.
Man, you're so good at this.
34
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:51,400
You could make a business out of this.
You know, like Hitch.
35
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,570
- Bro, thank you.
Yeah.
36
00:01:54,190 --> 00:01:55,650
Film was a fucking masterpiece.
37
00:01:55,650 --> 00:01:56,610
So good, right?
38
00:01:56,610 --> 00:01:58,950
You know what the truth is?
I love helping people.
39
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:01,240
The last thing you need
is to knock up a rebound.
40
00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:03,790
Whoa! Whoa, whoa. She's not a rebound.
41
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,950
Dude, two minutes after a big breakup,
42
00:02:05,950 --> 00:02:10,500
some short, sparkly Barbie rolls along,
who's the complete opposite of Rebecca.
43
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,840
- No, you're wrong.
Come on. Is a rebound so bad?
44
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:17,010
You have a little fun,
and you get your mind off Rebecca.
45
00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:18,800
Fair enough, but Joanne's more than fun.
46
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,340
Dude, you're saying that
like fun's a bad thing.
47
00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:23,220
- No.
- We love fun.
48
00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:24,680
But do we end up with fun?
49
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,060
Yeah, have you met Esther?
She's not fun. That's why I married her.
50
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:31,270
Listen, I have to be honest.
You guys are getting in my head a bit.
51
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:34,860
I'll tell you something.
Joanne's more than just a rebound, okay?
52
00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:38,530
And I know, sure, on the surface,
she seems very "fun,"
53
00:02:38,530 --> 00:02:40,910
but I really think
there's a lot more to her than that.
54
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:43,950
You know what I'm gonna do?
Tonight, I'm gonna go deeper.
55
00:02:43,950 --> 00:02:45,700
I'm gonna push really deep with her.
56
00:02:45,700 --> 00:02:47,830
- You're gonna push deeper.
- Deep as hell, man.
57
00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:50,540
- Yeah. Yeah. I'll...
- You might hit her sternum.
58
00:02:52,170 --> 00:02:53,080
Oh my God.
59
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,420
- This one's got a yarmulke on it.
- All right.
60
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,470
Hey, how much do I Venmo you
for my half of the Obliterator?
61
00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:09,310
Okay. Well, first of all,
let's do single ownership on this one.
62
00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:10,270
Okay.
- Right?
63
00:03:10,270 --> 00:03:13,520
Second of all, um, I didn't get it
because I thought you were getting it.
64
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,610
Wait, what? No, can you please get it?
65
00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:18,650
'Cause I have my date with Noah tonight,
and it's, like, consuming me.
66
00:03:18,650 --> 00:03:22,700
Oh my God. It's consuming you?
Joanne, you met this guy 48 hours ago.
67
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:23,870
Yeah, but...
68
00:03:24,780 --> 00:03:28,870
Okay, I know this might sound insane,
but this could be the last time
69
00:03:28,870 --> 00:03:31,500
I ever have sex
with someone for the first time.
70
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:33,420
Are you okay?
71
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:34,580
- It's wild.
72
00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:36,210
Oh God.
73
00:03:36,710 --> 00:03:38,800
Oh my God, Mom. You know what?
74
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:43,010
I'm sorry, but if she is gonna send us
unhinged videos of her doing mushrooms,
75
00:03:43,010 --> 00:03:45,470
then she needs to do mushrooms less
'cause I cannot.
76
00:03:45,470 --> 00:03:46,760
I know. She's a lot.
77
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,890
That's why I just delete them. I already
can hear what she's going to say.
78
00:03:49,890 --> 00:03:51,140
You know, she's just like,
79
00:03:51,140 --> 00:03:55,900
"The medicine told me to tell you both
how grateful I am for both of you."
80
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:58,650
You know? Then it's just, like,
two minutes of insanity.
81
00:03:58,650 --> 00:03:59,610
Right.
82
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,450
- That's where you get it.
- What?
83
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,820
I am so not like Mom.
84
00:04:03,820 --> 00:04:04,740
Yes, you are.
85
00:04:04,740 --> 00:04:06,620
- No, I'm not.
You are both a lot.
86
00:04:07,740 --> 00:04:09,700
She scares people off.
You scare people off.
87
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,920
Wait. Why has no one ever told me this?
88
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,580
Because they're scared.
89
00:04:16,580 --> 00:04:21,300
Listen, okay? You just need to be,
like, casual. All right? Be aloof.
90
00:04:21,300 --> 00:04:24,470
Don't show him how much you like him.
He'll have nothing to chase.
91
00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:27,140
Why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?
92
00:04:27,140 --> 00:04:29,760
Yes, no. That's not the phrase,
but I do hear you.
93
00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,310
- Yes, it is.
- Even though now I'm totally spinning.
94
00:04:32,310 --> 00:04:33,730
No, I think that's right.
95
00:04:33,730 --> 00:04:36,520
It's "why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?"
96
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,280
That sounds right. "Why drink the milk
when you can buy the cow for free?"
97
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,190
I think you're wrong.
I think that's right.
98
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,580
Oh!
- Hey, babe.
99
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:01,670
- Hi, babe.
What are you doing?
100
00:05:01,670 --> 00:05:06,130
Oh, I'm just out here
pairing your gargantuan socks.
101
00:05:06,130 --> 00:05:07,430
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
102
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,220
What?
103
00:05:09,890 --> 00:05:13,220
Remember when the Red Hot Chili Peppers
would only wear one sock? That was sexy.
104
00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:15,140
Um, what... What is this here?
105
00:05:15,140 --> 00:05:18,730
I just thought that we missed our
regularly scheduled Wednesday sex night,
106
00:05:18,730 --> 00:05:22,110
and with Miriam at a sleepover,
maybe we can make up for lost time.
107
00:05:22,610 --> 00:05:25,700
What do you think? I'm just trying
to grease the wheels a little bit.
108
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,320
I see. And in this scenario,
I'm the wheels.
109
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,700
Yeah, but the hot wheels.
110
00:05:29,700 --> 00:05:31,990
- Shoes off the bed, please? Okay.
- Okay.
111
00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:32,990
Absolutely.
112
00:05:32,990 --> 00:05:34,160
There they go.
113
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:36,790
- Don't need those.
-"Don't need those."
114
00:05:36,790 --> 00:05:39,170
Listen, I wish I-- Okay, here he goes.
115
00:05:39,170 --> 00:05:41,670
I wish I could,
but I'm going to the bar with Rebecca.
116
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:44,090
She needs a wingwoman.
She's gotta get back on the horse.
117
00:05:44,090 --> 00:05:45,550
- You know what?
What?
118
00:05:45,550 --> 00:05:47,510
- Why don't you just cancel plans?
- Oh no.
119
00:05:47,510 --> 00:05:51,850
- 'Cause I know you love canceling plans.
- I wish I could, but she really needs me.
120
00:05:51,850 --> 00:05:54,060
So it's gonna be you
all by your lonesome tonight.
121
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:59,100
So I'm gonna be at the house,
totally alone, all by myself?
122
00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:04,360
You can do your Chili Peppers sock trick
all by yourself, you little perv.
123
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,030
Sure these shorts
aren't doing anything for you?
124
00:06:10,030 --> 00:06:11,570
No.
They're mesh.
125
00:06:12,370 --> 00:06:13,240
Okay.
126
00:06:19,870 --> 00:06:20,750
Hi.
127
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,250
- You look amazing.
- Thank you.
128
00:06:26,550 --> 00:06:30,130
- You also look really nice.
- I appreciate it. First date. You nervous?
129
00:06:30,130 --> 00:06:31,760
Oh, nah. No. You?
130
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,220
Good. No. Look at that.
131
00:06:34,010 --> 00:06:36,930
And you're picking me up at my front door.
Chivalry's alive and well.
132
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:39,480
I'm not gonna let you walk
to the car alone. That's crazy.
133
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,100
- Sorry.
134
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,780
- Oh my God. Sorry.
135
00:06:46,530 --> 00:06:47,990
- Hold on. It's my sister.
- Sure.
136
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:51,450
Hey, girl. What's up?
I'm with Noah. Everything okay?
137
00:06:51,450 --> 00:06:53,320
Yeah, are you being a psycho yet?
138
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:54,950
You're so funny.
139
00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:58,000
Okay, so I went to three places,
and they were all sold out, so...
140
00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:02,540
Okay. Can you, um, find another place,
then? Can you please figure this out?
141
00:07:02,540 --> 00:07:05,920
No. No. I gave up, um,
and I have plans, so you're it. Bye.
142
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:07,670
- I can't--
143
00:07:08,300 --> 00:07:09,340
- Fuck.
- Everything okay?
144
00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:11,380
- Yeah.
- You sure?
145
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:15,470
Yeah. We have this exciting sex therapist
on the podcast tomorrow.
146
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:18,100
It was a big get for us,
and it is vital that we are prepared.
147
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:21,350
My stupid sister was supposed to pick up
her product, which is called the--
148
00:07:21,350 --> 00:07:24,270
Doesn't matter what it's called.
Uh, but she didn't get it.
149
00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:26,690
And that's fine.
150
00:07:26,690 --> 00:07:27,940
That's fine.
151
00:07:27,940 --> 00:07:31,030
We have some time before dinner.
Why don't we go get it?
152
00:07:31,030 --> 00:07:35,160
No, we don't need to.
It's chill. I'm chill.
153
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,870
Are you sure?
You said it's important. It's for work.
154
00:07:37,870 --> 00:07:39,950
It is important.
- Let's get it.
155
00:07:39,950 --> 00:07:42,460
- I don't wanna drag you on my errands.
- You're not dragging me.
156
00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:44,630
- What if we did this at a different time?
- Yes.
157
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,210
- Really? You wanna get out of the date?
No. I... No.
158
00:07:47,210 --> 00:07:49,010
- No? You sure?
- Definitely not.
159
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:50,510
- Great.
- I just feel like you don't--
160
00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:54,260
Let's just... You tell me where we're going,
and then we'll do that.
161
00:08:03,140 --> 00:08:05,150
Okay, here we go.
162
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:12,450
♪ I got chicken parm, and my family's gone
And I'm gonna eat some weed ♪
163
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:15,410
♪ Everything is better
When the family's gone ♪
164
00:08:15,410 --> 00:08:17,450
♪ And I'm gonna watch TV ♪
165
00:08:17,450 --> 00:08:21,370
How many of these have I had already?
How long have I been talking to myself?
166
00:08:23,250 --> 00:08:25,210
Oh, fuck it. All right.
167
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:28,710
♪ Here we go, gonna watch the thing ♪
168
00:08:28,710 --> 00:08:31,130
♪ And it is gonna be so great ♪
169
00:08:32,050 --> 00:08:35,470
All right, Tommy. Tom Cruise, here we go.
170
00:08:35,470 --> 00:08:38,720
You are a problematic weirdo,
but goddamn it, you're a movie star.
171
00:08:40,310 --> 00:08:41,390
Mom!
- Hello?
172
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,350
I need you, Mom!
173
00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:45,230
Miriam? Oh, hey, hon.
174
00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:51,030
- What are you doing back so early?
- Angelica is an actual psycho, okay?
175
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:54,490
She messaged Caleb, "Miriam likes you."
So we got in a huge fight, and I left.
176
00:08:55,070 --> 00:08:58,200
Okay, all right.
That sounds... That sounds bad.
177
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,790
I think what you should do
is go right back over there
178
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,080
and hit it head-on.
179
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,370
Just let me know what happens
in two hours and 40 minutes-ish.
180
00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:08,330
Okay, right now,
Caleb is with his haftarah tutor
181
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:09,920
who makes him put away his phone.
182
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,670
But in 30 minutes,
he's going to read Angelica's message,
183
00:09:12,670 --> 00:09:14,420
and my life will end.
184
00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:17,010
Mom isn't answering her phone,
and I need someone to help me!
185
00:09:17,010 --> 00:09:19,100
Okay, Caleb's the haftarah tutor?
186
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,510
- What?
- No, Caleb's the one...
187
00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:23,270
Okay, all right. You just need help.
188
00:09:23,270 --> 00:09:26,270
- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh, great. Someone to help.
189
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:27,850
Um...
190
00:09:31,570 --> 00:09:32,820
Oh no, that someone is me.
191
00:09:34,190 --> 00:09:35,150
Okay.
192
00:09:36,150 --> 00:09:38,450
- Are you sure you want that?
- I don't want that, but...
193
00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:41,580
Okay, no, I get it. Any port in a storm.
Yeah, let's... let's... let's do it.
194
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:54,670
- Is this the kind of place you shop often?
- Ah...
195
00:09:54,670 --> 00:09:56,130
No wrong answers, no wrong answers.
196
00:09:56,130 --> 00:09:59,180
No, I, um... I shop like a normal person.
197
00:09:59,180 --> 00:10:00,800
You know, on the Internet.
198
00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:02,720
Uh...
199
00:10:04,140 --> 00:10:07,060
I bet Rebecca would never take you
to a place like this, huh?
200
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:10,100
Uh, no, don't think she would,
201
00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,900
but that's not necessarily
a good thing, you know?
202
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:15,480
Right. Well, for the record,
I wasn't trying to take you here.
203
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:16,780
It's strictly for work.
204
00:10:16,780 --> 00:10:19,160
And also there's no way
I'm gonna be able to find it.
205
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,410
- I'm just gonna ask so we can go.
Okay.
206
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,710
Hi, sir. Hi. Um, sorry.
This is not a familiar setting for me,
207
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,540
so can you tell us
where your vibrators are?
208
00:10:29,540 --> 00:10:31,080
What kind of stimulation?
209
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,420
Classic, clitoral, G-spot,
anal, suction, dual?
210
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:38,590
We've also got thrusters, grinders,
pump action, remote control
211
00:10:38,590 --> 00:10:42,300
in case, uh, you and this stud
wanna have a little fun together.
212
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,140
- I'm just... I'm just a chaperone here.
- Yeah.
213
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:47,020
- Oh, we love a daddy.
- Yeah, please don't scare him.
214
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:50,730
Yeah. Can you just tell us... point us
in the direction of the Obliterator?
215
00:10:50,730 --> 00:10:52,690
Yes.
Uh, it's my first time.
216
00:10:52,690 --> 00:10:55,570
Not like my first time, my first time.
Did you--
217
00:10:55,570 --> 00:10:57,990
'Cause... I've had sex before.
218
00:10:57,990 --> 00:11:01,240
It's just my first time in the store.
The Obliterator.
219
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,990
The Obliterator is a very popular choice.
220
00:11:03,990 --> 00:11:05,620
- Right.
- But just be careful.
221
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:08,200
Okay? You wanna
work your way up to level ten.
222
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,960
My friend went straight to ten.
223
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,790
She can't fly now
because the shaking is so triggering.
224
00:11:12,790 --> 00:11:13,830
She can't do turbulence.
225
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:16,380
- Okay. Good Lord.
- Okay. Great.
226
00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:19,130
Could you tell us where it is?
'Cause we, um... We have plans.
227
00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:21,340
- Yeah, we have plans.
- I bet you do.
228
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:22,840
- This guy.
- There in the back.
229
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,300
- Thanks.
- Okay. Thanks.
230
00:11:25,100 --> 00:11:26,890
I really am sorry about this.
- Oh no!
231
00:11:26,890 --> 00:11:31,980
But it'll be a funny story that, one day,
we can tell to our... all of our friends.
232
00:11:33,190 --> 00:11:34,150
There it is.
233
00:11:34,940 --> 00:11:36,940
Yes! Last one too.
234
00:11:36,940 --> 00:11:39,110
- Great.
- It's got some weight to it.
235
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:42,910
A lot of warnings too. Look at this.
"Don't operate heavy machinery after use."
236
00:11:42,910 --> 00:11:45,570
- Yikes.
-"Can cause heart attack."
237
00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:49,330
Wow. That's actually
one of my biggest fears.
238
00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:50,910
- Really? A heart attack?
Yeah.
239
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,080
What about you? What's your biggest fear?
240
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,040
Oh, um, I don't know. Bad facelift.
241
00:11:56,630 --> 00:11:58,340
Come on. I'm serious.
242
00:11:58,340 --> 00:12:01,050
Well, you don't look serious.
243
00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:04,340
Give me a real answer.
What's your biggest fear?
244
00:12:04,340 --> 00:12:07,260
I don't know, Noah.
Anything from that section, I guess.
245
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,930
I'm just trying to have fun with you.
246
00:12:08,930 --> 00:12:10,810
I'm having fun. I love fun.
247
00:12:10,810 --> 00:12:12,980
I think there's a time and place for fun
and then,
248
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,860
you know, sometimes,
it's important to get serious
249
00:12:16,860 --> 00:12:19,650
and connect on a deeper level.
250
00:12:20,650 --> 00:12:22,150
- In here?
Yeah, listen.
251
00:12:22,150 --> 00:12:23,990
If you don't open up to me...
252
00:12:27,410 --> 00:12:31,750
uh, you know, I... I... I... might have to just
253
00:12:32,660 --> 00:12:35,170
severely discipline you.
254
00:12:35,170 --> 00:12:37,290
I don't want to. I don't wanna do this.
255
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,000
- It's happening again.
- You're not gonna.
256
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:40,500
- Oh!
257
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:42,050
- I didn't think you'd do it.
- Yes.
258
00:12:42,630 --> 00:12:43,800
- You didn't think so?
- No.
259
00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,430
You haven't begun to know me.
260
00:12:45,430 --> 00:12:46,760
- Okay. Listen.
- Yeah?
261
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,260
That is child's play 'cause I actually
have been in here before.
262
00:12:50,260 --> 00:12:53,430
- Whoa, do I have something to show you.
- Really? Oh wow.
263
00:12:53,430 --> 00:12:55,440
- Yeah, buckle up.
- I can't wait to see it.
264
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,350
Grab the biggest butt plug you can find.
265
00:12:57,350 --> 00:12:58,770
Rabbi Roklov?
266
00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:01,650
Hi.
267
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:06,490
So how about this? I'm just spitballing.
There are no bad ideas.
268
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:07,780
There are definitely bad ideas!
269
00:13:07,780 --> 00:13:10,580
There might be bad ideas,
but you still have to be supportive.
270
00:13:10,580 --> 00:13:13,910
What I'm suggesting is that maybe we go
to where his haftarah class is,
271
00:13:13,910 --> 00:13:16,000
we break in, we find his bag,
we steal his phone.
272
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,790
We're not stealing his phone.
273
00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:20,920
We're gonna leave him a newer phone.
What time does the Apple Store close?
274
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,630
Can we just go get Mom, please?
She'd at least be comforting.
275
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:27,090
Okay. Well, screw comforting.
You're a Roklov, and Roklovs take action.
276
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,890
That is it. You're a Roklov.
277
00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:39,440
The text said "Miriam likes you,"
not Miriam Roklov.
278
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,320
That's great. There are a billion
12-year-old Miriams in the world.
279
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,110
Uh, you guys use Snapchat, right?
280
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,450
Yeah. What are you doing?
281
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:49,780
I'm gonna create a fake profile.
What's his handle?
282
00:13:49,780 --> 00:13:52,870
Caleb slash Brenner.
Spell the slash.
283
00:13:52,870 --> 00:13:55,160
God, that's such an uncreative name.
I hate that.
284
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,370
- What?
Found him.
285
00:13:56,370 --> 00:13:57,750
- Watch.
- Oh God.
286
00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:00,000
Hi, Caleb.
287
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,380
This is Miriam Bernstein.
288
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:06,220
- Bernstein?
- I've seen your socials.
289
00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,720
We don't go to school together.
But do you wanna hook up?
290
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,300
- Hook up? Dad! Give me the phone!
Fine. I got this.
291
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,930
How about, uh, hey, do you wanna
meet up tomorrow at Starbies?
292
00:14:14,930 --> 00:14:16,560
No, do not say Starbies.
293
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,310
- Don't interrupt me. I'm in my flow.
- Okay. Can you just say--
294
00:14:19,310 --> 00:14:20,310
- Sent.
295
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:23,730
- Let's see what happens.
No...
296
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,110
- I'm hungry. Are you hungry?
- No.
297
00:14:25,110 --> 00:14:27,700
Starbies sounds good, doesn't it?
Do you want some Starbies?
298
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,780
No Starbies.
299
00:14:28,780 --> 00:14:30,660
You're right. I should make a coffee here.
300
00:14:30,660 --> 00:14:32,490
Mr. Goldberg!
301
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:34,240
Ah.
302
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,750
Well, I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll be damned.
303
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:38,580
- What?
304
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,580
So...
305
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,250
How you been?
306
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,960
- Uh, good, good. Good.
Good.
307
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,130
- Uh, no complaints.
- Mm.
308
00:14:49,630 --> 00:14:50,470
Uh, you?
309
00:14:50,470 --> 00:14:52,680
- No complaints as well.
Yeah.
310
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,470
Yeah. Yeah.
311
00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:57,520
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
312
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,100
You know, I've, uh...
I've never been here before.
313
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,810
I've never been here before either.
314
00:15:01,810 --> 00:15:04,690
Comin' in hot!
That's gonna leave a mark!
315
00:15:04,690 --> 00:15:05,860
Oh my God.
316
00:15:06,650 --> 00:15:10,530
This is
Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg. Joanne.
317
00:15:10,530 --> 00:15:11,700
Hi.
- This is...
318
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,240
Hi. Uh, nice to meet you.
319
00:15:15,030 --> 00:15:18,160
Mr. Goldberg is actually
a... a board member of our temple.
320
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:20,250
Shalom.
321
00:15:21,210 --> 00:15:24,840
I'm... I'm really, really sorry.
I never should have brought you here.
322
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:25,840
It's bad.
323
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,460
- I'm really sorry.
- He's gonna tell my boss. I'm screwed.
324
00:15:29,170 --> 00:15:31,720
But... I mean, is it that bad?
325
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,430
Like, he was in there with his wife too.
326
00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:37,850
Yes, but he's not a rabbi.
I have to change temples now.
327
00:15:38,430 --> 00:15:41,060
Actually, I have to switch careers.
I'll just go work for my dad.
328
00:15:41,060 --> 00:15:43,810
That's what I'm gonna do.
Wow. Wow! Life changes so fast.
329
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:46,230
Noah. No, I refuse to accept that.
330
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:48,690
You can just talk to him,
like, man-to-man.
331
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:50,610
- Blame it on me.
- I don't have his number.
332
00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:51,860
I don't know what to say.
333
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,280
Well, the Internet's a powerful tool.
I can find you his number.
334
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,080
We can figure out what to say.
335
00:15:57,870 --> 00:16:01,410
Mr. Goldberg. Board member. Temple.
336
00:16:01,410 --> 00:16:02,500
How do you spell Chai?
337
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:04,210
C-H-A-I.
- C-H-A-I.
338
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,500
- Boom! Is that him?
- Yeah.
339
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,840
Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. Well...
340
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:12,130
Oh.
341
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:14,720
- What?
- Rabbi Roklov.
342
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:18,890
Does that look like the woman
who he was in the sex shop with?
343
00:16:19,470 --> 00:16:20,470
No, it doesn't.
344
00:16:20,470 --> 00:16:21,930
That wasn't his wife.
345
00:16:22,770 --> 00:16:24,440
Mr. Goldberg?
346
00:16:25,190 --> 00:16:28,400
You bad, bad boy!
347
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,940
I hate to say it. I hate to say it.
348
00:16:31,900 --> 00:16:34,030
- But this could be good for me.
- Okay, just hold on.
349
00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:35,740
Let's fact-check it and make su--
350
00:16:35,740 --> 00:16:36,660
Well, no.
351
00:16:36,660 --> 00:16:38,280
If you were thinking like I was,
352
00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:40,700
maybe he and his wife are separated.
They're not.
353
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:44,250
This photo was posted four days ago
for his wedding anniversary.
354
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:45,250
That's his wife.
355
00:16:46,250 --> 00:16:48,840
- Oh, that's really sad.
- Yes! Yes! Yeah, for sure.
356
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,500
Sad, but also...
357
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:53,420
...so good.
358
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:57,090
So you're okay!
I feel a lot better.
359
00:16:57,090 --> 00:16:59,470
- I feel very hungry.
- Really? Oh yeah. Okay. Sure.
360
00:16:59,470 --> 00:17:03,140
Let's get you something to eat.
Um, I think we missed the reservation.
361
00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:05,230
- That's the thing. Where do you wanna go?
- Uh...
362
00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:06,980
- A lot of places.
- Where are we?
363
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:10,650
Oh! Search taco places near us
'cause I heard about a cute spot.
364
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,740
You know what? Actually, um, it's closed.
365
00:17:17,410 --> 00:17:18,370
- Is it?
- Yep.
366
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:23,120
Okay, listen. I know a good spot.
367
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:24,870
Still open.
368
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:26,870
- Really?
Yep.
369
00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:31,500
Come with me.
370
00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:34,010
Okay.
371
00:17:36,510 --> 00:17:37,760
Your Obliterator.
372
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:49,020
Do you want ice cream? It's really cold,
like ice cream... is supposed to be.
373
00:17:49,020 --> 00:17:50,020
I'm okay.
374
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:52,780
Are you worried?
375
00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:54,990
No, not at all.
376
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:58,280
Okay. The way you said that makes me think
you're worried, but I'm not worried.
377
00:18:00,910 --> 00:18:03,700
- Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God.
378
00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:05,250
Okay, it's him.
379
00:18:07,370 --> 00:18:08,540
"Hey, that's cool."
380
00:18:09,710 --> 00:18:12,210
"But, actually,
I like a different Miriam."
381
00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:14,050
Oh my God. He likes you.
382
00:18:14,630 --> 00:18:16,010
Oh my God. He likes me.
383
00:18:17,550 --> 00:18:20,430
He likes me. He likes me! He likes me!
384
00:18:20,430 --> 00:18:22,010
Hey!
385
00:18:24,010 --> 00:18:27,060
Do you wanna hang out with me?
Cuddle up and watch Mission: Impossible?
386
00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:30,190
I gotta go back to Angelica's.
This is absolutely gonna destroy her.
387
00:18:30,190 --> 00:18:31,770
Yeah, it will. Get back there.
388
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:38,650
Oh, uh, Dad? Thanks. Sorry for saying
that you never help me with anything.
389
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:39,740
You never said that.
390
00:18:42,450 --> 00:18:43,780
Bye, honey. Love you.
391
00:18:43,780 --> 00:18:45,410
Love you too, Dad.
392
00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,250
Love you too, Dad.
- Thank you.
393
00:18:51,710 --> 00:18:56,760
"Hey, so I'm not into it,
but my friend Trevor is."
394
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:57,760
Okay.
395
00:18:58,300 --> 00:18:59,720
What's Trevor's deal?
396
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,550
Is he cool?
397
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:04,560
Does he play Fortnite?
398
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,600
Good stuff here.
399
00:19:15,570 --> 00:19:17,320
I feel really bad
you had to do all this work
400
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,320
and that we didn't even get to go
to that restaurant that you loved.
401
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,450
I've actually never been
to that restaurant.
402
00:19:23,030 --> 00:19:25,950
I chose it 'cause it looked cool online
and I wanted to impress you.
403
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,540
Okay. Well, this is impressive.
404
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:30,710
- Really?
- Yes.
405
00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:31,960
Wait till you taste it.
406
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,880
Well, I'm really hungry,
so I'm sure it's gonna be great.
407
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,590
Oh my God. You just whipped that up?
408
00:19:42,630 --> 00:19:44,430
- It's pretty simple.
- It's unbelievable.
409
00:19:44,430 --> 00:19:47,060
- Okay, all right.
Very impressive.
410
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:49,060
- You don't have to lie.
- I'm not lying.
411
00:19:49,890 --> 00:19:50,730
Mmm.
412
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:56,320
Can we talk about tonight?
413
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,490
It felt like something was weird, and, um,
414
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,860
I was just trying to connect, you know?
415
00:20:03,860 --> 00:20:06,030
Yeah, I felt that.
416
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:10,250
When you asked me my biggest fear
in the sex shop, that felt weird.
417
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:12,290
- That was awkwardly timed.
- Mm-hmm.
418
00:20:12,290 --> 00:20:14,500
Um, okay.
419
00:20:15,670 --> 00:20:17,170
I'm gonna lay it all out there.
420
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,550
I don't want this to be a rebound.
421
00:20:20,550 --> 00:20:23,340
I want it to be something real.
And maybe that's lame to say,
422
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:25,340
uh, but I guess I'm okay with that.
423
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:29,810
I'm not just looking for something fun.
And if you are, that's totally cool.
424
00:20:29,810 --> 00:20:33,100
You don't owe me anything.
I would just like to know.
425
00:20:34,770 --> 00:20:36,440
Yeah, no, um...
426
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:40,480
Here's the truth.
427
00:20:44,950 --> 00:20:47,620
Actually, I've never done this before,
and it's feeling very scary.
428
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,660
Can you... Would you mind turning around?
429
00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:51,950
- What? You want--
- Fine, I'll do it.
430
00:20:51,950 --> 00:20:54,370
- Okay.
- Okay.
431
00:20:57,330 --> 00:21:01,670
Noah, my mom is really emotional,
and it always pushed my dad away.
432
00:21:01,670 --> 00:21:05,050
I'm not saying that's what made him gay,
but it certainly didn't keep him straight.
433
00:21:05,050 --> 00:21:08,350
And I always tried really hard
not to be like that.
434
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:13,350
And, yes, sometimes I do weird shit,
and I can be impulsive and obsessive,
435
00:21:13,350 --> 00:21:17,480
and I did Google your ex-girlfriend,
and I'm really sorry you had to see that.
436
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:18,610
I didn't see that.
437
00:21:20,650 --> 00:21:21,480
Oh.
438
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:23,860
Well, I only did it that once.
439
00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:29,450
And... my biggest fear is a bad facelift,
440
00:21:29,450 --> 00:21:30,410
but I...
441
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:35,710
I think I'm realizing an even bigger fear.
442
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:38,750
It is...
443
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:41,750
this.
444
00:21:44,550 --> 00:21:47,930
That I will become emotionally dependent
445
00:21:47,930 --> 00:21:52,470
on a guy who will one day realize
that I'm too much and break my heart.
446
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,860
Is that the most unattractive thing
you've ever seen?
447
00:22:05,860 --> 00:22:08,820
No. It's the most attractive.
448
00:22:10,570 --> 00:22:11,660
I want this.
449
00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:14,200
I want all of this.
450
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:18,370
But are you gonna do that, Noah?
451
00:22:19,710 --> 00:22:21,040
Are you gonna break my heart?
452
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,130
It would truly kill me
to break your heart.
453
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:28,840
♪ I ♪
454
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:33,890
♪ I've been learning to fly ♪
455
00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,180
♪ This whole time... ♪
456
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:43,070
♪ I, I've... ♪
457
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,070
Hi, babe.
458
00:22:44,070 --> 00:22:46,230
♪ ...been learning to ride ♪
459
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,150
♪ This life... ♪
460
00:22:48,150 --> 00:22:49,990
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
461
00:22:51,030 --> 00:22:52,320
How was your night?
462
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,200
It was uneventful.
463
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,410
Rebecca talked shit about Noah
for, like, three and a half hours,
464
00:22:57,410 --> 00:22:59,120
- and it still wasn't enough.
- Mm-mm.
465
00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:00,040
How was yours?
466
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,250
It was good.
467
00:23:01,250 --> 00:23:06,250
I got high and watched Mission: Impossible
and helped Miriam out with a boy problem.
468
00:23:06,250 --> 00:23:09,970
- I'm a pretty good dad.
- What? You really are.
469
00:23:09,970 --> 00:23:11,760
Oh my God. You've had some drinks.
470
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:14,010
- I really have.
471
00:23:14,930 --> 00:23:16,930
Think I'm gonna be able
to use this to my advantage?
472
00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:18,350
I really do.
473
00:23:18,350 --> 00:23:19,270
All right.
474
00:23:19,770 --> 00:23:21,140
- Okay.
- Right this way.
475
00:23:21,140 --> 00:23:23,610
Oh. I have to let you know
before anything happens.
476
00:23:23,610 --> 00:23:24,520
Yeah.
477
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:27,780
I think I'm in a relationship
with a teenage boy I met on the Internet.
478
00:23:27,780 --> 00:23:29,530
Oh. Does he know about me?
479
00:23:29,530 --> 00:23:32,700
Yeah. He was okay with it
because we aren't that serious yet.
480
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:35,740
Okay. You guys
are still seeing other people?
481
00:23:35,740 --> 00:23:38,790
Yeah, he invited me
to his eighth-grade graduation.
482
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:45,920
Would you hand me my phone?
483
00:23:49,710 --> 00:23:50,670
Thank you.
484
00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:57,720
Hello, sister.
485
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,140
The medicine wants me to share with you
486
00:24:00,140 --> 00:24:04,900
that I just had incredible sex
with the rabbi
487
00:24:04,900 --> 00:24:08,110
after I showed him all of my crazy.
488
00:24:08,110 --> 00:24:09,690
And guess what?
489
00:24:10,570 --> 00:24:11,780
It didn't scare him.
490
00:24:13,740 --> 00:24:15,530
- I'm actually really into it.
491
00:24:15,530 --> 00:24:18,240
♪ I ♪
492
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:23,330
♪ I've been learning to fly ♪
493
00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:26,630
♪ This whole time ♪
494
00:24:27,130 --> 00:24:31,720
♪ Oh, I ♪
495
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:33,260
Noah?
496
00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:37,180
- Noah.
- Rabbi Cohen.
497
00:24:37,930 --> 00:24:39,510
I was hoping to catch you.
498
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:43,770
I had an interesting phone call
with Mr. Goldberg.
499
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:45,350
I can explain.
500
00:24:45,350 --> 00:24:46,610
- You better.
- Okay.
501
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:48,730
Because that cheap schmuck,
502
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,990
he just gave us
the biggest donation of the year.
503
00:24:52,740 --> 00:24:55,200
He felt inspired by you.
504
00:24:55,200 --> 00:24:56,740
How did you do it?
505
00:24:58,830 --> 00:24:59,870
Blackmail?
506
00:25:00,660 --> 00:25:03,620
Yeah! Yeah.
507
00:25:03,620 --> 00:25:05,540
That's how I became head rabbi.
508
00:25:05,540 --> 00:25:08,250
Yeah. Well, keep up the good work.
509
00:25:21,350 --> 00:25:22,390
Okay.
510
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:24,980
♪ I'm still tight with all my demons ♪
511
00:25:24,980 --> 00:25:28,400
♪ And if you see them
Would you please not fuck 'em up? ♪
512
00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:36,820
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, I still fuck with all my demons ♪
513
00:25:36,820 --> 00:25:40,410
♪ And if I'm dreaming
Would you please not wake me up? ♪
514
00:25:46,330 --> 00:25:49,170
♪ Got family traits of an addict
No stick shift, it's automatic ♪
515
00:25:49,170 --> 00:25:52,170
♪ My past was somewhat tragic
And now I need a bad bitch or an actress ♪
516
00:25:52,170 --> 00:25:55,090
♪ Keep some cash under my mattress
In case I get stuck like LA traffic ♪
517
00:25:55,090 --> 00:25:57,970
♪ I always go for the win
Like the Lakers fuck up the Mavericks ♪
518
00:25:57,970 --> 00:26:01,010
♪ And you can suck all the dicks
I'm all fundamentals, not for the tricks ♪
519
00:26:01,010 --> 00:26:03,810
♪ I'm such a fanatic
Got LeBron's schematics in my attic ♪
520
00:26:03,810 --> 00:26:06,310
♪ Got a few bad habits
But I can't bring myself to quit ♪
521
00:26:06,310 --> 00:26:09,480
♪ As we fade to black, my heart attack
Who the fuck said you could be rapping? ♪
522
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:13,440
♪ I'm still, I'm still
I'm, I'm, I'm still ♪
523
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,900
♪ I'm still tight with all my demons ♪
41850
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