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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,984 --> 00:00:23,979 (action movie theme plays) 2 00:00:26,858 --> 00:00:29,420 ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪ 3 00:00:29,455 --> 00:00:32,262 ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪ 4 00:00:32,297 --> 00:00:34,207 (radio DJ) McCreary with the song of the summer, 5 00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:36,165 "Astro Blaster and the Beavermen." 6 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,867 Still playing at a theater near you. 7 00:00:37,902 --> 00:00:39,863 Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man. 8 00:00:39,899 --> 00:00:42,337 That creepy old preacher guy looks like my stepmom. 9 00:00:42,372 --> 00:00:44,933 Sunday morning, Whispering Woody on Z-100. 10 00:00:44,969 --> 00:00:46,809 Here all day. Can't do Hands Across America, 11 00:00:46,844 --> 00:00:48,308 but that does not mean 12 00:00:48,344 --> 00:00:49,659 that I can't hand you two tickets 13 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,345 to see Major Murder defend 14 00:00:51,381 --> 00:00:53,614 his intercontinental championship title. 15 00:00:53,649 --> 00:00:55,391 Worldwide wrestling coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena 16 00:00:55,415 --> 00:00:56,819 - in New Jersey. - (bell dings) 17 00:00:56,854 --> 00:00:58,551 The 100th caller wins. 18 00:00:58,587 --> 00:01:00,001 (singers) ♪ Rocking at the speed of light ♪ 19 00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:03,862 ♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪ 20 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:08,661 ("I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz playing) 21 00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:19,840 (line ringing) 22 00:01:19,876 --> 00:01:21,707 (phone rings) 23 00:01:23,076 --> 00:01:24,142 China Taste. 24 00:01:24,178 --> 00:01:25,741 Yes. Can I get, uh, 25 00:01:25,776 --> 00:01:27,485 some General Tso's chicken, please? 26 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:28,710 Sorry, no Tso's. 27 00:01:28,745 --> 00:01:31,485 No Tso's? Did the chickens escape? 28 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:34,154 No, we're still doing breakfast for the next hour. 29 00:01:34,189 --> 00:01:35,755 - Breakfast? - (chair creaks) 30 00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:37,993 Then can I get two scrambled eggs? 31 00:01:38,028 --> 00:01:39,693 - Toast or fruit? - Ew. 32 00:01:39,729 --> 00:01:42,527 Toast. Burn that fruit before somebody eats it on accident. 33 00:01:42,562 --> 00:01:45,197 Absolutely no fruit. Anything else? 34 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:47,235 Can I get an orange juice? 35 00:01:47,270 --> 00:01:49,405 Never fruit, but somehow OJ's okay. 36 00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:51,941 Uh, and a pork roll, 37 00:01:51,977 --> 00:01:53,440 - egg and cheese. - (clanks) 38 00:01:53,475 --> 00:01:55,275 Bagel with cream cheese and any other cheese 39 00:01:55,310 --> 00:01:57,081 - you sees, please. - (scoffs) 40 00:01:57,116 --> 00:01:59,550 He's a poet and he didn't even know it. 41 00:01:59,586 --> 00:02:00,615 Anything else? 42 00:02:00,651 --> 00:02:01,918 Yes. 43 00:02:01,953 --> 00:02:03,721 Six and a half almond cookies 44 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,817 and your hand in marriage. 45 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,064 Who is this? 46 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:15,127 Well, it's not Brian David. That guy's a pud. 47 00:02:15,162 --> 00:02:18,302 He... he sure is. 48 00:02:18,337 --> 00:02:21,404 I haven't heard from you in a long time, Brian David. 49 00:02:21,439 --> 00:02:23,370 - What are you doing? - Calling Melody Barnegat 50 00:02:23,405 --> 00:02:25,534 and I'm making a Morton's jelly donut. 51 00:02:25,570 --> 00:02:27,246 Toaster oven or microwave? 52 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:30,948 I don't have a toaster oven or a microwave, Richie Rich. 53 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,642 Jesus. Do you guys have a robot maid 54 00:02:32,678 --> 00:02:34,219 in your mansion, Miss Millionaire? 55 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,982 Shut up. Did you really call to order all this food? 56 00:02:37,017 --> 00:02:38,614 No. 57 00:02:38,649 --> 00:02:40,415 I was calling to talk to you. 58 00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:42,920 Oh, yeah? Why? 59 00:02:44,288 --> 00:02:45,758 Uh... 60 00:02:47,029 --> 00:02:48,596 Was wondering... 61 00:02:49,862 --> 00:02:51,632 Do you wanna go to the movies with me today? 62 00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,967 You can... You can totally say no. 63 00:02:55,002 --> 00:02:56,032 Okay. 64 00:02:57,809 --> 00:02:59,642 Uh, s-seriously? 65 00:02:59,677 --> 00:03:01,004 Mm-hmm. 66 00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,105 Uh, hold on one second. 67 00:03:08,116 --> 00:03:09,617 (breathes deeply) 68 00:03:10,721 --> 00:03:12,089 Cool. 69 00:03:12,124 --> 00:03:13,992 Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2. 70 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,053 Uh, because Tobe Hooper didn't direct? 71 00:03:17,123 --> 00:03:19,765 - Who? - The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 72 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,473 He made the first Poltergeist even though most people think it was Spielberg. 73 00:03:22,497 --> 00:03:25,268 You sure know a lot about movies. 74 00:03:25,303 --> 00:03:26,829 But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you 75 00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:28,430 because I'm supposed to go with my mom. 76 00:03:28,466 --> 00:03:29,866 Your mom? Why? 77 00:03:29,901 --> 00:03:33,111 Oh, first one's like her favorite movie ever. 78 00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:35,175 She says it's because she likes ghost stories, 79 00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,510 but I know she's lying. 80 00:03:36,545 --> 00:03:39,048 Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist? 81 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:40,549 My aunt was drunk one night 82 00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,230 and she said that when my mom was in eighth grade, 83 00:03:42,254 --> 00:03:43,626 she went to the school dance with the guy 84 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,287 who plays the dad in Poltergeist. 85 00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:46,963 So that's why she likes the movie so much. 86 00:03:46,987 --> 00:03:50,262 Oh, my gosh. She probably gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job. 87 00:03:51,163 --> 00:03:53,023 I'd be so mad you said that right now 88 00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:56,232 if I wasn't so impressed you remember the guy's name. 89 00:03:56,267 --> 00:03:58,532 You sure know a lot about movies. 90 00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,563 I know there's a movie you and me gotta go see 91 00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:01,933 that your mom will love. 92 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:04,637 "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 93 00:04:04,672 --> 00:04:06,740 Remember when we were in the pool last summer? 94 00:04:11,246 --> 00:04:13,343 Do you wanna touch 'em? 95 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:15,483 Uh, you mean... 96 00:04:15,518 --> 00:04:18,150 (quietly) when I almost let you get to second? 97 00:04:18,185 --> 00:04:19,852 Well, yeah, 98 00:04:20,751 --> 00:04:22,357 but this was right before that. 99 00:04:22,392 --> 00:04:24,329 - (Melody) Marco. - (Brian) Polo. 100 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,339 - (Melody laughing) Marco. - (Brian laughing) Polo. 101 00:04:26,363 --> 00:04:28,991 - (Melody) Marco. - (both laugh) 102 00:04:29,026 --> 00:04:31,531 Why do you wear your shirt in the pool? 103 00:04:31,566 --> 00:04:34,000 Because my tits are bigger than yours? 104 00:04:34,035 --> 00:04:38,175 You should take your shirt off in the pool, just one time. 105 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,108 You should take your shirt off everywhere, 106 00:04:40,144 --> 00:04:41,272 - all the time. - (scoffs) 107 00:04:41,308 --> 00:04:42,880 You're so funny. 108 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:44,440 All short people are funny. 109 00:04:44,476 --> 00:04:46,082 (radio playing) 110 00:04:46,117 --> 00:04:47,910 It's too loud. I'm reading. 111 00:04:47,946 --> 00:04:51,047 Mom, tell Brian David he's not short. 112 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,386 How about I tell him to get off my daughter instead? 113 00:04:53,421 --> 00:04:55,725 He's not on me. I'm on him. 114 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,759 Get off that boy or the only thing you'll be on is punishment. 115 00:05:00,892 --> 00:05:02,796 Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat? 116 00:05:03,494 --> 00:05:04,862 Bucklick. 117 00:05:04,898 --> 00:05:07,631 Holy shit! Your mom just called me a butt-lick! 118 00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:10,541 She said "Bucklick", with a K. 119 00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:13,071 - (Brian laughs) - It's... it's a book series my mom loves 120 00:05:13,106 --> 00:05:16,913 about a wisecracking detective whose name is U.B. Bucklick. 121 00:05:16,948 --> 00:05:18,282 You be a butt-lick. 122 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,414 - You be a butt-lick. - You be a butt-lick. 123 00:05:20,449 --> 00:05:22,420 (laughing) You be a butt-lick. 124 00:05:25,119 --> 00:05:28,184 ♪♪ 125 00:05:40,434 --> 00:05:42,198 Do you wanna touch 'em? 126 00:05:45,175 --> 00:05:46,472 (cat yowls irritably) 127 00:05:46,507 --> 00:05:48,241 I totally shoulda touched 'em. 128 00:05:48,277 --> 00:05:50,315 You totally shoulda. 129 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,917 It's, like, the biggest mistake I ever made. Shh. 130 00:05:53,952 --> 00:05:55,320 So why didn't you? 131 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,616 Well, I wanted you to think I was a nice guy. 132 00:05:57,652 --> 00:05:59,584 I did think you were a nice guy 133 00:05:59,619 --> 00:06:01,483 until you stopped calling me. 134 00:06:01,519 --> 00:06:04,789 Well, I'm calling you now because there's a Bucklick movie, 135 00:06:04,824 --> 00:06:06,758 and we totally gotta go see it together. 136 00:06:06,794 --> 00:06:09,294 No way. They made a Bucklick movie? 137 00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:10,430 Ch'yeah, uh, 138 00:06:10,466 --> 00:06:11,759 they-they showed a preview for it 139 00:06:11,795 --> 00:06:13,328 when I saw Top Gun. 140 00:06:13,363 --> 00:06:17,370 It looks really funny, and it's playing in Atlantic. 141 00:06:17,405 --> 00:06:18,502 Wait, then we gotta go. 142 00:06:18,537 --> 00:06:20,911 (speaking Chinese) 143 00:06:20,947 --> 00:06:22,041 (replies in Chinese) 144 00:06:23,411 --> 00:06:26,213 (quietly) Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick? 145 00:06:26,249 --> 00:06:27,976 There's a 2:15 show. 146 00:06:28,012 --> 00:06:29,619 I can't do 2:15. I get off at 2:00 147 00:06:29,654 --> 00:06:31,530 and then I need to go home and shower before I go out 148 00:06:31,554 --> 00:06:32,950 because I smell like an egg roll. 149 00:06:32,985 --> 00:06:35,718 Uh, we could go to the next show at 4:30. 150 00:06:35,753 --> 00:06:37,555 We could, couldn't we? 151 00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:39,788 We should, shouldn't we? 152 00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:41,327 "Could", to "should". 153 00:06:41,363 --> 00:06:43,461 Wow. You move fast. 154 00:06:43,497 --> 00:06:44,961 Except in the pool. 155 00:06:44,996 --> 00:06:46,568 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - (chuckles) 156 00:06:46,603 --> 00:06:49,199 - So, you wanna go? - (oven door clanks) 157 00:06:50,703 --> 00:06:52,834 Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick. 158 00:06:52,869 --> 00:06:54,707 Sweet. Then I'll see you 159 00:06:54,742 --> 00:06:57,077 at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat. 160 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:01,420 I'll see you at the 4:30 movie, Brian David. 161 00:07:03,855 --> 00:07:04,885 B-Bye. 162 00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,159 (exhales deeply) 163 00:07:12,195 --> 00:07:13,526 There is a God. 164 00:07:13,561 --> 00:07:15,566 (soft techno music playing) 165 00:07:30,545 --> 00:07:32,451 Off to get the new Starlog. 166 00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:35,784 It's kind of brisk out. 167 00:07:37,584 --> 00:07:39,315 A very unassuming day. 168 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,659 Nothing fantastic happening. 169 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,762 ♪♪ 170 00:08:27,172 --> 00:08:28,566 (Brian) Morning, Cookie. 171 00:08:28,601 --> 00:08:30,834 (Cookie) Mr. B.D. 172 00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,474 Uh, you on the schedule today? 173 00:08:32,509 --> 00:08:33,968 Nope. I'm gonna go sit on the dock 174 00:08:34,003 --> 00:08:35,344 and read the new Starlog, 175 00:08:35,379 --> 00:08:37,411 then I'm going to the movies. 176 00:08:37,447 --> 00:08:38,880 Man, you and your movies. 177 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,284 Shit's not real, you know. 178 00:08:42,319 --> 00:08:44,186 Like that movie E.T.? 179 00:08:44,221 --> 00:08:46,089 That never happened. 180 00:08:46,124 --> 00:08:47,350 That movie Conan? 181 00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:49,917 Never happened. 182 00:08:49,953 --> 00:08:51,222 That movie Gandhi? 183 00:08:52,196 --> 00:08:53,389 Shit never happened. 184 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:56,634 I'm pretty sure Gandhi happened. 185 00:09:00,032 --> 00:09:01,480 Well, that shit happened for three hours, 186 00:09:01,504 --> 00:09:02,706 so I stopped watching it. 187 00:09:05,235 --> 00:09:07,608 You heard that new Run-D.M.C. album? 188 00:09:07,643 --> 00:09:09,704 - Fresh. - Super fresh, right? 189 00:09:09,740 --> 00:09:11,610 Chilly most. 190 00:09:11,646 --> 00:09:13,149 Gandhi definitely happened. 191 00:09:13,184 --> 00:09:14,481 It didn't happen! 192 00:09:14,517 --> 00:09:15,613 No, it definitely happened. 193 00:09:15,648 --> 00:09:16,720 Star Wars did! 194 00:09:29,696 --> 00:09:31,702 (soft music playing) 195 00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:39,142 May 25th, 1986. 196 00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:40,374 (seagull squawks) 197 00:09:40,410 --> 00:09:42,708 Today is a big day. 198 00:09:42,744 --> 00:09:45,680 I finally called Melody Barnegat 199 00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:48,246 and invited her out to the movies. 200 00:09:50,189 --> 00:09:53,119 Why, you ask? (sighs) 201 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,760 One word. 202 00:09:58,128 --> 00:09:59,455 Love. 203 00:10:01,531 --> 00:10:03,525 I got a 24-karat case of love. 204 00:10:06,029 --> 00:10:09,036 (pop music playing) 205 00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:29,589 Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast! 206 00:10:29,624 --> 00:10:31,056 It's not for breakfast. 207 00:10:31,091 --> 00:10:33,288 It's for you guys to bring to the movies. 208 00:10:33,323 --> 00:10:35,094 - (pan clinks) - This is movie bacon? 209 00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:38,097 It's cheaper than that rip-off candy counter, 210 00:10:38,133 --> 00:10:41,464 and bacon's better for you than all that popcorn. 211 00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,806 - (Brian) Hmm. - You're growing boys. 212 00:10:44,841 --> 00:10:47,173 You need bacon to build big, strong hearts. 213 00:10:48,673 --> 00:10:50,760 (sings theme song) ♪ Coo roo coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ♪ 214 00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,715 "Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie and this is my brother Doug." 215 00:10:53,750 --> 00:10:56,380 - "How's it going, eh?" - (hums reply) 216 00:10:56,415 --> 00:10:59,450 - Is that my movie bacon? - Ah! Don't touch it yet. 217 00:11:00,153 --> 00:11:02,584 I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first. 218 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,661 Are we really gonna be 219 00:11:05,696 --> 00:11:07,732 sneaking around the movies all day? 220 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,158 I heard that Danny Banks got caught doing that last week 221 00:11:10,193 --> 00:11:11,765 and they banned him for life. 222 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,568 Danny Banks isn't as slick as us. 223 00:11:13,603 --> 00:11:15,630 But Bucklick is rated R. 224 00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:18,668 We do not look old enough to get into a rated R movie. 225 00:11:18,704 --> 00:11:19,734 We gotta... 226 00:11:20,504 --> 00:11:22,181 because I called Melody Barnegat this morning 227 00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:23,581 and told her we were going. 228 00:11:23,617 --> 00:11:26,177 You talked to Melody Barnegat this morning? 229 00:11:26,212 --> 00:11:28,417 Well, was that before or after the donut? 230 00:11:28,452 --> 00:11:30,488 Before. I asked her out. 231 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,118 She's coming to the 4:30 movie with us. 232 00:11:32,153 --> 00:11:35,117 You asked Melody Barnegat out on a movie date? 233 00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,827 - Brothers? - Brothers. 234 00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:40,197 - Do you care? - I don't care. 235 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,458 But guess who will? 236 00:11:48,702 --> 00:11:50,038 Melody Barnegat? 237 00:11:52,740 --> 00:11:55,146 Merry Melody Barnegat? 238 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,808 Yes, Melody Barnegat. 239 00:11:56,844 --> 00:11:58,842 Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny! 240 00:11:58,878 --> 00:12:00,349 She's a cheerleader. 241 00:12:00,385 --> 00:12:01,818 She's younger than us. 242 00:12:01,854 --> 00:12:03,665 By one grade, and she would've been in our class, 243 00:12:03,689 --> 00:12:05,523 but she missed the cutoff date by a month 244 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,019 because her birthday is in November. 245 00:12:07,054 --> 00:12:08,892 Dude, you know when her birthday is? 246 00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:12,124 Well, holy shit, Billy Idol. When is the white wedding? 247 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,132 What do you got against Melanie Barnegat, okay? 248 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:15,727 She's super sweet. 249 00:12:15,762 --> 00:12:17,863 She's super short. 250 00:12:17,898 --> 00:12:19,229 She's not much shorter than me. 251 00:12:19,264 --> 00:12:20,736 She's shorter than the Mets chance 252 00:12:20,772 --> 00:12:22,464 of making it to the playoffs this year. 253 00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,047 - Oh, my God. - (Belly) I don't know, Burn. 254 00:12:24,071 --> 00:12:26,470 Mets beat the Padres 5-4 last night. 255 00:12:26,505 --> 00:12:29,137 Yeah, and the Padres beat the Mets 7-4 on Friday. 256 00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:30,481 What's your point, Bell? 257 00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,979 Yeah, but the way they're playing, 258 00:12:32,014 --> 00:12:33,661 they're saying the Mets could go all the way. 259 00:12:33,685 --> 00:12:35,343 The Mets have as good of a chance 260 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:37,083 of making it to the World Series 261 00:12:37,118 --> 00:12:40,820 as Bri does of making it with Midgety Barnegat. 262 00:12:40,855 --> 00:12:42,725 Melody Barnegat's not a midget. 263 00:12:42,761 --> 00:12:45,322 She's fresh, and I'm gonna ask her out. 264 00:12:45,357 --> 00:12:47,488 - You already did. - To the movies, but, 265 00:12:47,523 --> 00:12:49,366 after we see Bucklick, I'm gonna... 266 00:12:49,401 --> 00:12:51,193 ask her out, ask her out. 267 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,529 Like, to go steady. (sighs) 268 00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:55,568 What? 269 00:12:55,604 --> 00:12:57,568 Wha... (stammers) 270 00:12:57,604 --> 00:12:58,940 Why? 271 00:12:58,976 --> 00:13:01,270 Why? Because we made out in her pool last summer. 272 00:13:01,306 --> 00:13:04,506 Yeah, one time! With your shirt on! 273 00:13:04,542 --> 00:13:07,443 And all you almost got was a little bit of titty. 274 00:13:07,479 --> 00:13:10,012 And very little, might I add, because she is... 275 00:13:10,047 --> 00:13:11,345 fairly flat-chested. 276 00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:13,382 Ch'yeah. She's not flat-chested. 277 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,456 (Burny) Oh, so you're the expert now? 278 00:13:15,492 --> 00:13:18,093 Look, Bri, baby, 279 00:13:18,128 --> 00:13:20,695 I've gone with way more girls in the pool than you have, 280 00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:23,334 all right? With my shirt off. 281 00:13:23,936 --> 00:13:26,198 I've been thinking about asking Melody out all year. 282 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:28,730 She's really smart. She thinks I'm funny. 283 00:13:28,765 --> 00:13:32,199 Oh, she can't be too smart if she thinks you're funny. 284 00:13:32,235 --> 00:13:35,440 Like washing your truck three times a day is some sign of intelligence. 285 00:13:35,475 --> 00:13:38,750 Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring the Truckster into this, okay? 286 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:41,214 You can actually get inside of the Truckster, 287 00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,816 which is way more than you'll ever be able to do 288 00:13:43,851 --> 00:13:45,719 with Melody Barnegat. 289 00:13:45,754 --> 00:13:47,882 Bri, she's beneath you. 290 00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:50,092 I'm trying to get her on top of me. 291 00:13:51,791 --> 00:13:52,823 For what? 292 00:13:52,859 --> 00:13:54,697 For sex, Burny! 293 00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:57,325 But-but you're... You're the guy, Bri. 294 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,568 You get on top of her, right? 295 00:14:00,603 --> 00:14:03,349 - I gotta teach him everything. - But I'm always laying down when I jerk off, 296 00:14:03,373 --> 00:14:05,111 - so I don't think I can bust a nut any other way. - Ew! 297 00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:06,736 Hey! Hey! Come on! 298 00:14:06,771 --> 00:14:10,147 You think I wanna hear about your nasty jerk-off techniques? 299 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,144 No, I don't! 300 00:14:12,180 --> 00:14:14,509 - The match... - Major Murder promo! 301 00:14:14,544 --> 00:14:16,486 You gotta learn how to be a man, Bri. 302 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,180 Be a man like Major Murder. 303 00:14:18,216 --> 00:14:19,824 (theme song playing on TV) 304 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:23,356 - Like Major Murder. - Yeah, like Major Murder. 305 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,128 Major Murder is not a man. 306 00:14:26,994 --> 00:14:28,123 He's a fictional character. 307 00:14:28,158 --> 00:14:29,866 He's got character. 308 00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:31,699 Especially when he's in the ring kicking ass. 309 00:14:31,734 --> 00:14:34,532 (indistinct TV chatter) 310 00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:37,365 Call the police, because there's gonna be a murder 311 00:14:37,401 --> 00:14:39,472 in New Jersey, wrestling fans. 312 00:14:39,507 --> 00:14:42,614 Coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena in East Rutherford, 313 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,273 the Master of Disaster himself, 314 00:14:45,308 --> 00:14:47,043 the Savage Soldier, 315 00:14:47,079 --> 00:14:49,811 it's Major Murder! 316 00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,280 - Is this thing on? - Yes. 317 00:14:53,316 --> 00:14:56,156 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 318 00:14:56,191 --> 00:14:58,556 - (Burny grunting) - Aw, hell, Mad Brad. 319 00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:02,195 You hearing me, Believer? 320 00:15:02,231 --> 00:15:05,228 Major Murder's got his orders to kick your ass. 321 00:15:05,263 --> 00:15:07,604 So I'm gonna storm those cheeks 322 00:15:07,639 --> 00:15:10,741 like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah! 323 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,676 (Brad) Now, Major, it sounds to me 324 00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,739 like you intend on holding on 325 00:15:14,774 --> 00:15:18,041 to your intercontinental championship title. Is that right? 326 00:15:18,076 --> 00:15:19,280 If you gotta ask, 327 00:15:20,181 --> 00:15:22,679 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 328 00:15:26,287 --> 00:15:28,854 - (bike revs) - At ease, ya sleaze. 329 00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:30,493 Major Murder says 330 00:15:30,528 --> 00:15:33,129 dis... missed! 331 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:35,933 Well, there you have it. 332 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:37,999 Let's all be thankful that the Major fights 333 00:15:38,035 --> 00:15:40,163 for the side of these United States 334 00:15:40,198 --> 00:15:41,903 and not those Soviets. 335 00:15:41,939 --> 00:15:44,435 Major Murder is bad to the bone! 336 00:15:44,471 --> 00:15:47,443 The guy literally rides a camouflage motorcycle, 337 00:15:47,479 --> 00:15:49,209 for God's sakes. 338 00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,406 He would never be dating little Melody Barnegat. 339 00:15:51,441 --> 00:15:52,907 You can bet your ass on that. 340 00:15:52,942 --> 00:15:56,181 Because she's a teenager and he's, like, 100 years old. 341 00:15:56,217 --> 00:15:58,285 You would never say that to his face, 342 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,748 'cause he'd put the Grip of Death on you. Huh. 343 00:16:00,784 --> 00:16:03,051 (as Mad Brad) Even though he was 17 years old... 344 00:16:03,086 --> 00:16:06,024 (normal voice) Burny O'Donnell still believed wrestling was real! 345 00:16:06,059 --> 00:16:08,126 - (all chuckle) - Yeah. 346 00:16:08,161 --> 00:16:09,633 - Is wrestling not real? - Hey! 347 00:16:09,668 --> 00:16:10,812 (Burny) Can you rip the grip? 348 00:16:10,836 --> 00:16:12,074 - Say wrestling's real! - Get off me! 349 00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:13,398 Say wrestling's real! 350 00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:16,265 - (thuds) - Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'? 351 00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:18,075 - (thuds) - (grunting) 352 00:16:19,736 --> 00:16:24,444 ("I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan playing) 353 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,833 (song continues) 354 00:16:51,868 --> 00:16:53,740 - (Burny) I ain't doin' it. - (Belly) Why not? 355 00:16:53,775 --> 00:16:55,957 (Burny) 'Cause the idea of everybody touching everybody's disgusting. 356 00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,417 - (Brian scoffs) - (mumbles indistinct) 357 00:16:57,441 --> 00:16:58,806 Burny mistakenly believed 358 00:16:58,841 --> 00:17:00,578 "Everybody Touching Everybody's Disgusting" 359 00:17:00,614 --> 00:17:03,419 was the original name for Hands Across America. 360 00:17:03,455 --> 00:17:06,286 - (Belly) Brothers? - (Brian) No, Bells. I'm just mocking Burny 361 00:17:06,321 --> 00:17:08,089 for being against Hands Across America. 362 00:17:08,125 --> 00:17:10,050 - Ah, hands across my dick. - (laughs) 363 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,430 Can't believe they're not playing Poltergeist 2 here. 364 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,035 Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be as good as Poltergeist 1. 365 00:17:16,059 --> 00:17:18,998 It's not "Poltergeist 1." It's still just Poltergeist. 366 00:17:19,034 --> 00:17:22,139 When they make a sequel, they don't suddenly stick a number on the first flick. 367 00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:25,808 Sometimes I wanna stick a power cable in your big mouth, 368 00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:27,604 like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2. 369 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,009 I like how they killed Jaws better in Jaws 1. 370 00:17:30,044 --> 00:17:32,013 Belly, it's just Jaws. 371 00:17:32,048 --> 00:17:33,612 Unless we're talking Godfather 2, 372 00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:35,710 Escape From the Planet of the Apes, or Empire, 373 00:17:35,745 --> 00:17:38,155 no sequel's ever as good as the original. 374 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,025 All right, well, as long as that creepy little chick's 375 00:17:40,049 --> 00:17:42,487 coming back from Poltergeist 1, I'll be there. 376 00:17:42,523 --> 00:17:45,221 (imitating character) "Cross over, children! 377 00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:47,692 All are welcome." 378 00:17:48,832 --> 00:17:50,165 Melody Barnegat's mom... 379 00:17:50,201 --> 00:17:52,234 Ooh! I'm so sorry. Um, Melody Barnegat's mom 380 00:17:52,269 --> 00:17:54,400 went to a dance with the dad from Poltergeist 381 00:17:54,435 --> 00:17:55,909 - when she was in eighth grade. - Oh, yeah. 382 00:17:55,933 --> 00:17:58,176 - I bet she jerked him off! - That's what I said. 383 00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:01,078 Oh, then why did you ask her to come to the movies today? 384 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,146 Melody's mom's not coming to the movies with us. 385 00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:05,749 Not her mom. Melody. Why is she coming with us? 386 00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:07,643 Because I like Melody Barnegat. 387 00:18:07,679 --> 00:18:09,720 Ah, you don't know shit about women, Bri. 388 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,318 - Oh, my God. - I do, right? 389 00:18:12,354 --> 00:18:13,924 And I know she's not the woman for you 390 00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:16,527 because she's not a woman at all. 391 00:18:16,563 --> 00:18:17,819 She's a little girl. 392 00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:20,556 Melody Barnegat is not a little girl, Burny. 393 00:18:20,592 --> 00:18:22,725 - She's like a lady. - Ah, yeah. 394 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,668 Like the creepy lady from Poltergeist 1. 395 00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:25,759 It's just Poltergeist! 396 00:18:25,795 --> 00:18:27,169 Who wants some more of Mom's bacon? 397 00:18:27,204 --> 00:18:29,235 Put that away till we get inside, bacon bits. 398 00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:30,801 Oh, shit. Here comes the car. 399 00:18:32,272 --> 00:18:33,906 ("I Feel For You" continues) 400 00:18:33,941 --> 00:18:35,113 (car honks) 401 00:18:45,591 --> 00:18:47,451 That car blows. 402 00:18:47,486 --> 00:18:49,554 No way! It's like a Batmobile. 403 00:18:49,589 --> 00:18:52,024 Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show. 404 00:18:52,059 --> 00:18:54,433 I read in Starlog, they said they're gonna make a new Batman movie. 405 00:18:54,457 --> 00:18:56,396 (scoffs) It'll flop. 406 00:18:56,431 --> 00:18:58,961 Nobody's ever gonna pay to see a Batman movie. 407 00:19:03,005 --> 00:19:05,541 What a disgusting town. 408 00:19:05,576 --> 00:19:06,576 (scoffs) 409 00:19:08,506 --> 00:19:10,511 ("I Feel For You" continues) 410 00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:14,141 Get someone out here and make sure 411 00:19:14,177 --> 00:19:16,752 none of these disgusting poors touches my Moviemobile. 412 00:19:16,788 --> 00:19:18,217 Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh. 413 00:19:18,252 --> 00:19:20,989 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, 414 00:19:21,024 --> 00:19:23,821 where the movies come to play. 415 00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:27,955 When we get inside, remember, 416 00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:29,407 we're getting tickets for Astro Blaster 417 00:19:29,431 --> 00:19:30,898 because Bucklick and Dental School 418 00:19:30,933 --> 00:19:32,398 are both rated R. 419 00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:35,733 I can drive a car at 17 and join the army, 420 00:19:35,768 --> 00:19:39,667 but I gotta wait till I'm 18 to see rated R movies. 421 00:19:39,702 --> 00:19:41,506 Might as well live in Russia. 422 00:19:41,541 --> 00:19:43,473 (as Yakov Smirnoff) In Soviet Union, 423 00:19:43,509 --> 00:19:45,980 you don't see R-rated movie. 424 00:19:46,015 --> 00:19:47,684 R-rated movie sees you. 425 00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,783 "Ah, what a country!" 426 00:19:49,819 --> 00:19:51,149 (giggles) 427 00:19:51,185 --> 00:19:52,355 I need new friends. 428 00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:55,526 Hi. 429 00:19:58,822 --> 00:20:00,363 Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 430 00:20:01,229 --> 00:20:03,564 (dispenser clanks, whirs) 431 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,665 Can I get, uh, one ticket 432 00:20:08,701 --> 00:20:11,773 to Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 433 00:20:11,809 --> 00:20:14,275 (coins clink) 434 00:20:14,311 --> 00:20:16,709 - (sighs) - (dispenser clanks, whirs) 435 00:20:20,050 --> 00:20:21,610 - Hey, girl! - (coin clinks) 436 00:20:21,646 --> 00:20:24,120 Can I get, uh, one ticket to, uh, 437 00:20:24,155 --> 00:20:26,356 - "Ass-blaster"? - (velcro ripping) 438 00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:30,354 'Cause, uh, you know, that's what the ladies call me. 439 00:20:30,390 --> 00:20:32,054 (seductively) Ass-Blaster. 440 00:20:32,931 --> 00:20:35,662 (dispenser clanks, whirs) 441 00:20:41,499 --> 00:20:42,697 (both hiss in pity) 442 00:20:42,733 --> 00:20:44,666 She was playing hard to get. 443 00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:47,402 Okay. Um, we'll save seats. 444 00:20:47,438 --> 00:20:48,774 You get in line? 445 00:20:50,173 --> 00:20:52,013 - That look like it hurt. - She gave me a look. 446 00:20:54,012 --> 00:20:56,111 You can't give them cut-sies when they get back. 447 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:59,152 What do you care? We're behind you. 448 00:20:59,187 --> 00:21:00,883 Well, I'll tell my dad. 449 00:21:00,918 --> 00:21:03,887 (mocking) Oh, you'll tell your dad. So what? 450 00:21:03,923 --> 00:21:06,187 I don't care what you tell your dad, little kid. 451 00:21:08,129 --> 00:21:10,427 - Dad. - Hmm? 452 00:21:10,463 --> 00:21:12,468 He showed me his privates. 453 00:21:13,466 --> 00:21:15,372 - He did what? - I-I... 454 00:21:17,105 --> 00:21:18,804 Have fun. Don't run. 455 00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:21,242 Have fun. Don't run. 456 00:21:21,278 --> 00:21:22,907 (mocking) "Have fun, don't run." 457 00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:27,747 Have fun. 458 00:21:29,086 --> 00:21:30,486 (serenely) And I hope you die. 459 00:21:36,388 --> 00:21:38,392 Have fun. Don't run. 460 00:21:38,427 --> 00:21:40,523 You had to mess with Manager Mike. 461 00:21:40,559 --> 00:21:42,724 I'm not scared of that spaz. 462 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,258 Now if he sees us in Bucklick, 463 00:21:44,293 --> 00:21:46,599 he'll remember us as the guys from Astro Blaster 464 00:21:46,634 --> 00:21:48,964 - who made fun of him. - Oh, the "guys"? 465 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,733 You mean "the guy"? 'Cause you didn't say shit. 466 00:21:52,768 --> 00:21:54,706 I'm trying to be incognito 467 00:21:54,741 --> 00:21:56,740 so we can sneak into the other movies all day 468 00:21:56,775 --> 00:21:58,414 - after we see this one. - Oh. Uh-huh, 469 00:21:58,450 --> 00:22:00,575 and how many times have you seen Astro Blaster? 470 00:22:00,610 --> 00:22:01,811 Fourteen times. 471 00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:04,388 Oh. And you wonder why you don't get laid. 472 00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,917 I don't get laid 'cause I'm Catholic. 473 00:22:06,953 --> 00:22:09,490 I'm Catholic! That don't stop me from getting laid. 474 00:22:09,525 --> 00:22:11,891 I even did it in the church basement one time. 475 00:22:11,927 --> 00:22:15,229 (Brian) Is the church basement what you call your sphincter? 476 00:22:15,264 --> 00:22:16,796 (Burny) You're a sphincter. 477 00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:22,432 Uh, where is Bells? 478 00:22:22,467 --> 00:22:23,770 (tapping on glass) 479 00:22:28,214 --> 00:22:30,610 - Uh, what the hell? - I got thrown out. 480 00:22:30,645 --> 00:22:32,944 - For what? - For being a little sex fiend. 481 00:22:34,678 --> 00:22:36,082 Are you with that pervert? 482 00:22:36,118 --> 00:22:38,917 Uh, I mean... 483 00:22:38,952 --> 00:22:40,992 - We go to the same school. - You're such a sellout. 484 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:42,488 That pervert's our boy, Belly. 485 00:22:42,524 --> 00:22:44,654 Well, your boy Belly's been bounced. 486 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:46,263 You wanna join him, be my guest. 487 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:48,363 But keep the door closed. Don't let my AC out. 488 00:22:48,399 --> 00:22:51,968 (loudly) You touch my car, I call the cops! 489 00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,166 (louder) You touch my car, 490 00:22:54,202 --> 00:22:55,831 I call the cops! 491 00:22:55,867 --> 00:22:59,270 You can't hear me? I can't hear you. 492 00:22:59,306 --> 00:23:02,006 I won. (scoffs) 493 00:23:04,214 --> 00:23:05,647 (muffled) Meet me out back. 494 00:23:07,580 --> 00:23:09,849 (muffled) Meet me out back. 495 00:23:11,088 --> 00:23:13,017 Jesus. Meet me out back. 496 00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,660 (sighs) All right. 497 00:23:19,696 --> 00:23:22,396 Can you get me some Twizzlers? I'll go get Bells. 498 00:23:22,432 --> 00:23:23,706 Can I eat you one of your Twizzlers? 499 00:23:23,730 --> 00:23:26,063 (chuckles) You can eat this Twizzler. 500 00:23:31,206 --> 00:23:33,309 Ah. S'up, Stank? 501 00:23:33,344 --> 00:23:36,040 - Oh, hey. S'up? How you doing? - Good. 502 00:23:36,075 --> 00:23:39,373 D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV couple of months ago? 503 00:23:40,216 --> 00:23:41,878 - Yeah. - Oh, man. 504 00:23:41,913 --> 00:23:43,484 I can't stop thinking about that movie. 505 00:23:43,519 --> 00:23:45,078 - It was crazy. - So good, right? 506 00:23:45,114 --> 00:23:47,519 I couldn't believe that Rocky lived. 507 00:23:47,555 --> 00:23:49,492 - Yeah. - E-even so, I was like, 508 00:23:49,528 --> 00:23:53,389 "That movie's... (stammers) really hard to follow." 509 00:23:53,425 --> 00:23:56,332 You know, 'cause it's like, it was like you think he's gonna be dead 510 00:23:56,367 --> 00:23:58,268 'cause he's all, like, bloody and stuff. 511 00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,396 Then he's just like... (sings fanfare) 512 00:24:00,432 --> 00:24:01,568 Just like... 513 00:24:01,603 --> 00:24:03,703 - (imitates blow landing) - Whoa! 514 00:24:03,738 --> 00:24:05,576 And then... But then the other guy was like... 515 00:24:05,611 --> 00:24:08,275 (imitates blow landing) And there's blood and all this spit. 516 00:24:08,310 --> 00:24:10,543 (imitates spit spraying) 517 00:24:10,578 --> 00:24:13,007 - Yeah. - And it all came out. 518 00:24:13,042 --> 00:24:14,744 - (chuckles) - It-it was cool. 519 00:24:14,779 --> 00:24:16,679 Remember when the blonde guy... 520 00:24:16,714 --> 00:24:18,220 The Ru... He's Russian. 521 00:24:18,255 --> 00:24:19,520 I don't know where he's from, 522 00:24:19,555 --> 00:24:21,753 but he-he's just like... (imitates punch) 523 00:24:21,788 --> 00:24:23,686 I don't think it matters where he's from. 524 00:24:23,721 --> 00:24:25,758 (chuckles) A-and then... 525 00:24:25,793 --> 00:24:29,366 And-and-and he just, like, punched him so hard. 526 00:24:29,401 --> 00:24:31,867 - Remember that? - Yeah. It was the climax. 527 00:24:31,903 --> 00:24:33,237 He climaxed? 528 00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:35,633 No, it was the climax of the film. 529 00:24:35,669 --> 00:24:38,308 Yeah, it was so cool. (chuckles) 530 00:24:38,343 --> 00:24:40,676 But I just thought it was kind of fake. 531 00:24:43,079 --> 00:24:44,706 (chuckles) 532 00:24:44,741 --> 00:24:46,248 What, for free? 533 00:24:46,283 --> 00:24:48,150 You know I don't got any bread. 534 00:24:48,185 --> 00:24:51,115 Ah, but you got bacon. 535 00:24:58,021 --> 00:24:59,719 Did you see my new Stryper jacket? 536 00:24:59,755 --> 00:25:00,789 Oh, cool. 537 00:25:00,824 --> 00:25:02,395 - Rock on. - Yeah. 538 00:25:02,431 --> 00:25:04,927 Well, not... No, actually. 539 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:07,601 Rock on without the horns, 'cause... 540 00:25:07,636 --> 00:25:09,870 - (taps thigh) - Hell is for pussies. 541 00:25:11,210 --> 00:25:13,504 It's for... Heaven's where it's at. 542 00:25:13,540 --> 00:25:15,509 H-have you been saved? 543 00:25:15,544 --> 00:25:17,476 - What? - Have you been saved? 544 00:25:17,512 --> 00:25:19,312 - By Jesus? - (scoffs) 545 00:25:19,347 --> 00:25:21,247 No, by Tony Danza. 546 00:25:21,283 --> 00:25:22,817 Yeah, by Jesus. 547 00:25:22,853 --> 00:25:26,116 Um, I-I guess. I'm an altar boy and I go to church. 548 00:25:26,152 --> 00:25:29,017 Good for you. So I guess we'll be in heaven together, 549 00:25:29,053 --> 00:25:31,523 spitting down on all those heathens. 550 00:25:31,558 --> 00:25:33,023 - Yeah. - (both chuckle) 551 00:25:33,058 --> 00:25:35,331 You're not doing Hands Across America either? 552 00:25:35,366 --> 00:25:37,191 - Nah, not this year. - Yeah. 553 00:25:37,226 --> 00:25:39,495 I asked a bunch of people, but, um... 554 00:25:39,531 --> 00:25:40,929 Yeah, I... 555 00:25:40,964 --> 00:25:42,706 No one wanted to do it with me. 556 00:25:42,742 --> 00:25:46,168 They already had people that they were doing hands with, so... 557 00:25:46,203 --> 00:25:48,312 I mean, I understand, 'cause it's kind of like 558 00:25:48,347 --> 00:25:50,675 you have to know somebody really well 559 00:25:50,710 --> 00:25:53,447 to, like, stand next to somebody 560 00:25:53,483 --> 00:25:55,310 and, like, give them a hand job. 561 00:25:55,345 --> 00:25:58,619 But you know, just for bringing people together, 562 00:25:58,655 --> 00:26:00,690 it's, like, kind of a lot to ask, I guess. 563 00:26:05,659 --> 00:26:07,158 - Here we go. - Thanks. 564 00:26:12,031 --> 00:26:13,476 How many previews do you think we get? 565 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:15,028 It's always three. 566 00:26:15,063 --> 00:26:16,937 I hope we get The Fly. 567 00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,270 I hope we get Aliens and Labyrinth. 568 00:26:24,347 --> 00:26:26,078 (thoughtful music plays) 569 00:26:29,752 --> 00:26:32,688 (narrator) Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace, 570 00:26:32,723 --> 00:26:35,791 and she is unlike any nun you've ever met. 571 00:26:37,921 --> 00:26:39,921 - Hey, guys. - Hi. 572 00:26:39,957 --> 00:26:41,027 - Hi! - She's young. 573 00:26:42,762 --> 00:26:44,228 - She's fun. - (laughs) 574 00:26:45,467 --> 00:26:47,528 (indistinct chatter) 575 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,203 Yes! Yes! High five! 576 00:26:54,069 --> 00:26:56,273 And she's got a secret. 577 00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:02,910 They stole all the food for the orphans! 578 00:27:02,946 --> 00:27:04,185 What are we gonna do? 579 00:27:04,221 --> 00:27:07,084 (dramatic music) 580 00:27:07,119 --> 00:27:09,627 To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage, 581 00:27:10,758 --> 00:27:13,229 this naughty nun will develop 582 00:27:13,264 --> 00:27:15,363 some filthy habits. 583 00:27:15,398 --> 00:27:17,393 (saxophone music plays) 584 00:27:19,798 --> 00:27:22,039 (narrator speaking) 585 00:27:22,074 --> 00:27:25,271 How come the nuns were never secret hookers when we were in school? 586 00:27:25,306 --> 00:27:28,804 One time I pulled my pud to the thought of sex with Sister Anne. 587 00:27:28,839 --> 00:27:30,545 (breathes deeply) 588 00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:32,611 Was guilty as hell afterwards. 589 00:27:32,647 --> 00:27:34,309 You're gonna burn, sinner. 590 00:27:34,344 --> 00:27:35,723 Hey, don't tell anybody I told you that. 591 00:27:35,747 --> 00:27:37,081 Who would I tell? 592 00:27:37,117 --> 00:27:39,312 You're out here swimming around in a toilet bowl. 593 00:27:39,348 --> 00:27:41,491 But you're a nun. Not a hooker! 594 00:27:41,526 --> 00:27:44,453 Well, maybe God wants me to be both! 595 00:27:44,488 --> 00:27:46,405 - (sax music resumes) - (narrator) A nun by day... 596 00:27:46,429 --> 00:27:48,465 Ready? Yeah! (laughing) 597 00:27:48,501 --> 00:27:50,824 (narrator) and a hooker by night. 598 00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:53,294 Hey, Sister! 599 00:27:53,329 --> 00:27:56,168 I got something for your poor box! 600 00:27:58,202 --> 00:28:00,843 Let's see what's under that wig. 601 00:28:03,514 --> 00:28:05,381 - Oh, hell, no! - (knife clinks) 602 00:28:05,416 --> 00:28:06,781 - (screams) - (screams) 603 00:28:06,816 --> 00:28:09,317 - (narrator) Say a prayer for... - (laughing) 604 00:28:09,352 --> 00:28:12,316 (people clamoring) 605 00:28:17,328 --> 00:28:19,358 (narrator speaking) 606 00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:20,489 Rated R. 607 00:28:21,564 --> 00:28:22,928 We're definitely seeing that. 608 00:28:22,963 --> 00:28:24,663 Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers 609 00:28:24,698 --> 00:28:25,798 when we were in school. 610 00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:27,164 Number one, I already said that. 611 00:28:27,199 --> 00:28:29,097 And number two, one time Burny jerked off 612 00:28:29,132 --> 00:28:30,438 thinking about sister Anne. 613 00:28:30,473 --> 00:28:31,669 - (laughs) - Dude! 614 00:28:31,704 --> 00:28:34,243 (insects chirring) 615 00:28:34,279 --> 00:28:38,105 (uneasy music plays) 616 00:28:38,140 --> 00:28:41,048 (man breathing gruffly) 617 00:28:47,555 --> 00:28:49,760 (woman panting) 618 00:29:05,544 --> 00:29:07,404 - (blade plunges) - (man roars) 619 00:29:09,414 --> 00:29:11,546 "The Health Nut"? Huh. 620 00:29:11,581 --> 00:29:13,208 Get outta here with this shit. 621 00:29:13,244 --> 00:29:15,142 Well, they banned it in Scandinavia. 622 00:29:15,177 --> 00:29:17,512 That slasher isn't fit 623 00:29:17,548 --> 00:29:19,984 to wipe the blood off the blades of Leatherface, 624 00:29:20,020 --> 00:29:21,715 Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger. 625 00:29:21,750 --> 00:29:24,318 You haven't even seen the movie yet, Judge Wapner. 626 00:29:24,353 --> 00:29:26,388 I don't need to see the movie, 627 00:29:26,424 --> 00:29:28,362 'cause I'm the greatest horror movie expert 628 00:29:28,398 --> 00:29:29,860 you've ever met. 629 00:29:29,895 --> 00:29:31,230 Stupid piece of shit. 630 00:29:32,469 --> 00:29:35,066 Question for the expert. 631 00:29:35,102 --> 00:29:37,836 Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 632 00:29:37,871 --> 00:29:40,409 Leatherface, and Michael Myers? 633 00:29:40,444 --> 00:29:42,043 My man, Jason Voorhees. 634 00:29:42,078 --> 00:29:44,021 (imitates buzzer) The correct answer to the question 635 00:29:44,045 --> 00:29:46,110 "Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 636 00:29:46,145 --> 00:29:48,151 "Leatherface, and Michael Myers?" is... 637 00:29:48,186 --> 00:29:49,749 the audience! 638 00:29:49,784 --> 00:29:51,415 - We all win. - (clicks) 639 00:29:52,915 --> 00:29:53,915 Idiot. 640 00:29:56,054 --> 00:29:59,755 (cheerful '80s music plays) 641 00:29:59,790 --> 00:30:00,798 (thuds) 642 00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,459 Morning, gorgeous. 643 00:30:06,495 --> 00:30:09,106 Morning. What'cha havin'? The usual? 644 00:30:09,141 --> 00:30:10,530 (loud sigh) 645 00:30:10,566 --> 00:30:13,305 I gotta unload before I reload. (chuckles) 646 00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:16,979 (sighs heavily) 647 00:30:24,115 --> 00:30:25,983 (horror movie music plays) 648 00:30:26,019 --> 00:30:27,649 - (zipper unzips) - (grunts) 649 00:30:29,427 --> 00:30:30,927 - (farts) - (groans) 650 00:30:32,527 --> 00:30:36,223 (skittering) 651 00:30:36,258 --> 00:30:37,957 (repeated wet punches) 652 00:30:37,993 --> 00:30:39,226 Oh! 653 00:30:39,261 --> 00:30:40,564 (screams) Oh, my God! 654 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:41,798 Oh! 655 00:30:41,833 --> 00:30:45,506 (screaming) 656 00:30:45,542 --> 00:30:47,671 (urgent music plays) 657 00:30:47,707 --> 00:30:49,143 (thumping) 658 00:31:03,053 --> 00:31:04,655 (alien speech) 659 00:31:04,691 --> 00:31:05,920 (screams) 660 00:31:05,955 --> 00:31:07,293 (roars) 661 00:31:10,227 --> 00:31:12,963 So they crawl up your butt. 662 00:31:12,999 --> 00:31:15,235 Oh, Mr. Wizard over here. 663 00:31:16,236 --> 00:31:18,265 I can't believe this place is so empty. 664 00:31:18,300 --> 00:31:19,443 When did this come out? 665 00:31:19,478 --> 00:31:21,837 Astro Blaster? Back in March. 666 00:31:21,872 --> 00:31:24,605 Remember, we snuck into Highlander after we saw Astro Blaster? 667 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,708 I remember Burny missing half of Highlander 668 00:31:26,743 --> 00:31:29,178 because he was feeling up Susie Bukachyk the whole time. 669 00:31:29,213 --> 00:31:30,984 Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic, 670 00:31:31,020 --> 00:31:32,854 she only let me touch her left titty. 671 00:31:32,889 --> 00:31:35,058 That's why he calls her the "Kurgan." 672 00:31:35,094 --> 00:31:36,286 Why? 673 00:31:36,321 --> 00:31:37,735 (dramatic voice) "There can be only one!" 674 00:31:37,759 --> 00:31:39,154 - (laughs) - S... 675 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,889 - Sorry. - It's starting. 676 00:31:40,925 --> 00:31:42,493 (chuckles) 677 00:31:43,700 --> 00:31:45,733 ♪ Astro Blaster ♪ 678 00:31:45,768 --> 00:31:47,166 ♪ And the Beavermen ♪ 679 00:31:47,202 --> 00:31:50,600 ("Astro Blaster and the Beavermen" playing) 680 00:31:56,075 --> 00:31:58,708 ♪ Astro Blaster ♪ 681 00:31:58,743 --> 00:32:01,248 ♪ Friend to the Beavermen and the Beaverwomen ♪ 682 00:32:05,788 --> 00:32:07,490 (whispers) It's Jessica Court. 683 00:32:07,525 --> 00:32:09,151 (Burny chuckles lightly) 684 00:32:09,186 --> 00:32:10,389 (whispers) Watch this. 685 00:32:11,724 --> 00:32:13,021 (thuds) 686 00:32:13,057 --> 00:32:14,890 You got Burned. 687 00:32:14,925 --> 00:32:16,223 Burny! 688 00:32:16,259 --> 00:32:17,692 Who the hell is this? 689 00:32:17,728 --> 00:32:20,536 Oh, this is Burny. I graduated with his brother. 690 00:32:20,572 --> 00:32:22,838 Uh, Burny, this is Randi. 691 00:32:22,873 --> 00:32:25,837 - Where are you from, hon? - "Hon"? 692 00:32:25,873 --> 00:32:27,508 I'm from the Bay Area. 693 00:32:27,543 --> 00:32:29,037 Bay Avenue? 694 00:32:29,073 --> 00:32:30,370 San Francisco. 695 00:32:30,405 --> 00:32:31,609 Oh, we met at school. 696 00:32:31,645 --> 00:32:32,943 Ah. 697 00:32:32,978 --> 00:32:34,584 So, how's college? 698 00:32:34,619 --> 00:32:36,543 Is it all orgies in the dorms? 699 00:32:36,578 --> 00:32:38,388 Dorms? We don't live in the dorms. 700 00:32:38,424 --> 00:32:39,616 - My God. - Shh. 701 00:32:42,091 --> 00:32:44,759 I'm Damocles of the Beavermen, damn it! 702 00:32:44,794 --> 00:32:46,920 And that means one damn thing. 703 00:32:49,434 --> 00:32:50,962 I rule the beaver. 704 00:32:50,997 --> 00:32:52,497 You haven't seen this yet? 705 00:32:53,734 --> 00:32:55,064 No. Did you? 706 00:32:55,099 --> 00:32:57,264 Yeah. It's stupid. 707 00:32:57,299 --> 00:32:59,202 Like, stupid fun? 708 00:32:59,237 --> 00:33:01,712 Eh. Mm, it's not as stupid fun 709 00:33:01,747 --> 00:33:04,648 as you and me making out to Goonies. 710 00:33:04,683 --> 00:33:07,240 Oh. And it was in the same theater. 711 00:33:07,276 --> 00:33:08,776 - Yeah. - Hmm. 712 00:33:08,811 --> 00:33:10,816 Maybe we should take a little walk down memory lane 713 00:33:10,852 --> 00:33:12,115 in the back row, huh? 714 00:33:12,151 --> 00:33:13,613 - No way. - (chuckles) 715 00:33:13,649 --> 00:33:15,158 I'm here with Randi and Barbara. 716 00:33:15,193 --> 00:33:16,552 So? 717 00:33:16,588 --> 00:33:18,853 I'm here with Brian and Bells. Who gives a shit? 718 00:33:20,128 --> 00:33:22,527 - You know you wanna. - (taps chair) 719 00:33:28,435 --> 00:33:30,566 - (whispers indistinctly) - (groans, mutters) 720 00:33:30,601 --> 00:33:33,774 Excuse me. I'm gonna be, uh, just right back. 721 00:33:33,810 --> 00:33:35,303 You're just flat leaving us? 722 00:33:35,339 --> 00:33:37,146 Is there a Brian David here? 723 00:33:38,512 --> 00:33:40,982 - I'm looking for Brian David. - (audience shushes) 724 00:33:41,017 --> 00:33:44,179 Holy shit, I can't hear the movie! 725 00:33:44,214 --> 00:33:46,449 Eat shit, asshole! 726 00:33:46,484 --> 00:33:47,792 - Brian David. - (audience clamors) 727 00:33:47,816 --> 00:33:50,417 Come see the manager in the lobby, ASAP. 728 00:33:50,453 --> 00:33:52,923 Brian David. Brian David. 729 00:33:52,958 --> 00:33:53,958 Should I go? 730 00:33:55,729 --> 00:33:56,825 Godspeed. 731 00:33:58,734 --> 00:34:00,431 (chair rattles) 732 00:34:00,466 --> 00:34:03,139 I'm terrified by what's about to happen. 733 00:34:08,337 --> 00:34:10,639 Uh, I'm Brian David. 734 00:34:10,674 --> 00:34:13,014 So I'm on the phone with my Paramount rep. 735 00:34:13,049 --> 00:34:14,356 That's Paramount Pictures, mind you. 736 00:34:14,380 --> 00:34:16,382 Godfather, Godfather Part II. 737 00:34:16,417 --> 00:34:18,655 And all of a sudden, the operator interrupts us 738 00:34:18,690 --> 00:34:21,216 with an emergency breakthrough 739 00:34:21,251 --> 00:34:22,422 from your mother. 740 00:34:24,024 --> 00:34:26,625 Mom, uh, w-what's wrong? 741 00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:30,157 You are giving this cat a bath when you get home tonight. 742 00:34:31,026 --> 00:34:34,363 You made an emergency breakthrough to tell me that? 743 00:34:34,398 --> 00:34:36,369 That's how filthy this cat is! 744 00:34:36,405 --> 00:34:39,810 Cats are self-cleaning, Ma, and they hate water. 745 00:34:39,845 --> 00:34:42,344 No, that's only in cartoons, Brian. 746 00:34:42,379 --> 00:34:46,882 Okay, I'll give the cat a bath when I get home, um, I promise. 747 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,677 - But I gotta go. - Oh, okay! 748 00:34:48,713 --> 00:34:51,217 Big important man doesn't have time to talk 749 00:34:51,252 --> 00:34:53,849 to his mother who gave birth to him. 750 00:34:53,884 --> 00:34:56,918 You know, I lost one before you and one after you. 751 00:34:56,954 --> 00:34:59,193 I can't really talk about my dead ghost siblings, Ma. 752 00:34:59,228 --> 00:35:01,195 The manager is waiting for his phone back. 753 00:35:01,230 --> 00:35:03,061 Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note 754 00:35:03,097 --> 00:35:04,659 from your cousin Allison, 755 00:35:04,694 --> 00:35:06,595 which just came in the mail today. 756 00:35:06,631 --> 00:35:08,904 I sent a wedding present to that dummy 757 00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:11,200 after she eloped with some twerp. 758 00:35:11,235 --> 00:35:12,766 Listen to this BS! 759 00:35:12,801 --> 00:35:14,372 Pardon my French, Blessed Mother. 760 00:35:14,407 --> 00:35:16,604 Listen to this. "Dear Aunt Grace," 761 00:35:16,639 --> 00:35:18,278 Thank you for the wedding present. 762 00:35:18,313 --> 00:35:20,783 We love the bed linens from Bradley's, 763 00:35:20,818 --> 00:35:22,383 but when we opened the package, 764 00:35:22,418 --> 00:35:25,254 there were two fitted sheets and no top sheet. 765 00:35:25,290 --> 00:35:28,884 It's a little hard to sleep between two fitted sheets, 766 00:35:28,919 --> 00:35:32,289 so we're gonna bring them back and get a correct set. 767 00:35:32,324 --> 00:35:34,588 "Thank you so much, Allison." 768 00:35:34,624 --> 00:35:36,460 (scoffs) "It's a little hard 769 00:35:36,495 --> 00:35:38,097 to sleep between two fitted sheets." 770 00:35:38,132 --> 00:35:39,462 Well, then don't get married! 771 00:35:39,498 --> 00:35:41,201 Ma, the manager's staring at me 772 00:35:41,237 --> 00:35:42,972 because, uh, we're tying up the phone. 773 00:35:43,007 --> 00:35:45,037 Well, tell him to hold his horses. 774 00:35:45,073 --> 00:35:46,469 I'm not telling him that. 775 00:35:46,504 --> 00:35:48,809 You don't have to. I can hear her. 776 00:35:48,844 --> 00:35:51,146 He can hear you, Ma. 777 00:35:51,181 --> 00:35:53,583 That means both of you can hear me when I say, 778 00:35:53,618 --> 00:35:55,413 "Get off the phone 779 00:35:55,448 --> 00:35:58,214 or I'm ejecting you from the theater!" 780 00:35:58,249 --> 00:35:59,414 I gotta go, Ma. 781 00:35:59,449 --> 00:36:01,120 Well, I love you, tiger. 782 00:36:01,155 --> 00:36:02,449 Okay, I'll see you tonight. 783 00:36:02,484 --> 00:36:04,083 Oh, okay, Fonzie. 784 00:36:04,119 --> 00:36:06,387 Too cool to say "I love you" back to your mother? 785 00:36:06,422 --> 00:36:07,656 I'm in public, Ma. 786 00:36:07,692 --> 00:36:10,591 Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public 787 00:36:10,626 --> 00:36:12,164 bringing you into this world. 788 00:36:12,199 --> 00:36:14,770 Tell her you love her, Fonzie. 789 00:36:14,805 --> 00:36:16,701 I love you. Goodbye, Ma. 790 00:36:18,604 --> 00:36:21,772 Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin. 791 00:36:21,807 --> 00:36:25,578 I don't care about your family ties, Alex P. Keaton. 792 00:36:25,613 --> 00:36:28,345 This isn't the party line where the action never stops 793 00:36:28,380 --> 00:36:31,115 for 89 cents a minute. This... 794 00:36:31,150 --> 00:36:33,021 is a business phone. 795 00:36:33,057 --> 00:36:36,354 And that business is show business, 796 00:36:36,389 --> 00:36:39,795 as in lights, camera, and action. 797 00:36:39,831 --> 00:36:41,994 - (phone rings) - Oh. See? 798 00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:43,825 People trying to call. 799 00:36:43,861 --> 00:36:46,002 Atlantic Cinemas, where the movies come to play. 800 00:36:46,038 --> 00:36:48,199 Manager Mike speaking. How can I help you? 801 00:36:48,234 --> 00:36:49,305 It's your mother again. 802 00:36:50,468 --> 00:36:52,203 - Hello? - You hung up. 803 00:36:52,238 --> 00:36:53,633 I thought we were done. 804 00:36:53,669 --> 00:36:55,010 Since when don't you wait 805 00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:57,143 to hear me say "I love you too"? 806 00:36:57,178 --> 00:36:59,038 The manager was staring at me. 807 00:36:59,073 --> 00:37:01,113 You could be riding your bike home tonight 808 00:37:01,149 --> 00:37:02,944 and get run over by a bus. 809 00:37:02,980 --> 00:37:05,547 And as you die there in the gutter, you'd realize 810 00:37:05,582 --> 00:37:07,453 that you missed your last chance 811 00:37:07,488 --> 00:37:10,320 to hear your only mother say "I love you." 812 00:37:10,355 --> 00:37:12,458 Ah... I don't want that! 813 00:37:12,493 --> 00:37:14,462 You don't want what? Me to get hit by a bus 814 00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:17,364 or me to have regrets when I die from getting hit by a bus? 815 00:37:17,399 --> 00:37:19,363 Christopher Columbus! I don't even wanna think 816 00:37:19,398 --> 00:37:20,796 about you getting hit by a bus! 817 00:37:20,831 --> 00:37:22,739 Well, then why'd you say... Can I go now? 818 00:37:22,774 --> 00:37:24,336 (sighs) How's the movie? 819 00:37:25,039 --> 00:37:28,201 I don't know! Because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 820 00:37:28,910 --> 00:37:30,077 Who's that? 821 00:37:30,112 --> 00:37:31,848 - Your son. - The short one? 822 00:37:31,883 --> 00:37:33,515 - (gasps) - Oh, my God. 823 00:37:33,550 --> 00:37:36,748 Crumbs! You think he's not self-conscious enough already? 824 00:37:36,784 --> 00:37:39,021 - I thought he was at the movies. - He's there now. 825 00:37:39,057 --> 00:37:41,016 Ask him if the movie is any good. 826 00:37:41,052 --> 00:37:43,692 Your father wants to know if your movie's good or not. 827 00:37:43,728 --> 00:37:45,427 I don't know, 828 00:37:45,463 --> 00:37:48,493 because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 829 00:37:48,529 --> 00:37:51,328 Listen, I-I love you, but I gotta go. 830 00:37:51,363 --> 00:37:53,269 I love you too, tiger. 831 00:37:53,304 --> 00:37:56,563 W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what about me? 832 00:37:56,598 --> 00:37:58,272 Yes, I love you too. 833 00:37:58,307 --> 00:38:00,171 Ah, not that. What does Igor say? 834 00:38:00,207 --> 00:38:02,206 I'm in public, Dad. 835 00:38:02,242 --> 00:38:03,775 What does Igor say? 836 00:38:06,985 --> 00:38:09,882 (as Igor) Good night, Master. 837 00:38:09,918 --> 00:38:10,950 (chuckles) 838 00:38:10,985 --> 00:38:12,789 (both laugh) 839 00:38:12,824 --> 00:38:14,453 I made him do the Igor. 840 00:38:14,489 --> 00:38:17,125 You're not from around here, stranger. 841 00:38:17,161 --> 00:38:19,791 Why, you don't even have buck teeth. 842 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:23,523 Or a tail. 843 00:38:23,559 --> 00:38:25,262 I'm from Earth. 844 00:38:25,297 --> 00:38:26,693 You're from Earth? 845 00:38:26,728 --> 00:38:28,737 Yes. I'm Astro Blaster. 846 00:38:28,772 --> 00:38:30,196 Astro Blaster? 847 00:38:30,232 --> 00:38:33,368 Yeah. I'm the drummer in a Van Halen cover band. 848 00:38:33,404 --> 00:38:36,742 (Burny panting) 849 00:38:39,276 --> 00:38:42,942 Man, my mom made an emergency breakthrough to talk about the cat. 850 00:38:42,977 --> 00:38:44,981 (scoffs) Can you believe that shit? 851 00:38:47,224 --> 00:38:48,919 I said, "can you believe that shit?" 852 00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:52,956 She called to tell me how she give the cat... 853 00:38:54,525 --> 00:38:55,889 Oh, my God, you guys... 854 00:38:55,924 --> 00:38:57,823 You guys were doing it right here? 855 00:38:57,859 --> 00:39:00,060 I-in front of Astro Blaster? 856 00:39:00,096 --> 00:39:02,905 - A-and the Beavermen? Oh! - (chair rattles) 857 00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:05,237 In a Van Halen cover band? 858 00:39:05,272 --> 00:39:07,677 Yes. It's a big deal. 859 00:39:07,713 --> 00:39:09,142 It's a big deal? 860 00:39:09,177 --> 00:39:11,308 Yeah, I just said that. 861 00:39:11,344 --> 00:39:12,979 You just said that. 862 00:39:13,015 --> 00:39:14,942 (chair rattles) 863 00:39:14,977 --> 00:39:17,076 Burny's having sex during the movie. 864 00:39:17,111 --> 00:39:18,982 The guy's got no respect for cinema. 865 00:39:21,122 --> 00:39:22,315 Am I right, Bells? 866 00:39:23,653 --> 00:39:26,462 - Bells? - (snoring) 867 00:39:29,397 --> 00:39:31,799 - (grunting) - (chair rattling) 868 00:39:31,835 --> 00:39:34,803 (panting) 869 00:39:34,839 --> 00:39:36,736 (gulping) Mmm. 870 00:39:40,239 --> 00:39:43,545 (slurping) 871 00:39:45,344 --> 00:39:46,482 What'd I miss? 872 00:39:48,752 --> 00:39:49,752 Jesus. 873 00:39:52,814 --> 00:39:55,023 Here's the beef, okay? 874 00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:59,555 We've nearly depleted our entire strategic popcorn supply. 875 00:39:59,591 --> 00:40:00,893 Do you know what that means? 876 00:40:00,929 --> 00:40:01,964 No. 877 00:40:01,999 --> 00:40:03,957 That means I have to call 878 00:40:03,992 --> 00:40:06,726 every theater in a ten-mile radius 879 00:40:06,761 --> 00:40:08,465 offering crazy money 880 00:40:08,501 --> 00:40:10,834 to buy their crappy popcorn, 881 00:40:10,869 --> 00:40:14,343 only to get laughed at and mocked by managers 882 00:40:14,378 --> 00:40:18,006 telling me I can't hack it in the movie biz. 883 00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:21,144 But just when scuzzy old Strathmore Cinema... 884 00:40:21,180 --> 00:40:23,986 The home of the cruddiest corn in the country... is saying yes, 885 00:40:24,022 --> 00:40:26,921 and I am swallowing my pride 886 00:40:26,957 --> 00:40:28,990 to close a deal, 887 00:40:29,025 --> 00:40:30,185 all of a sudden... 888 00:40:33,064 --> 00:40:35,124 I get an emergency breakthrough. 889 00:40:35,858 --> 00:40:37,428 I'm really sorry about my mom. 890 00:40:37,464 --> 00:40:39,266 It's not your mom this time. 891 00:40:39,301 --> 00:40:41,666 Hey, hey. Have fun. Don't run. 892 00:40:41,701 --> 00:40:44,536 - Hello? - Hey, Brian, it's Melody. 893 00:40:44,572 --> 00:40:46,232 I'm sorry to call you like this. 894 00:40:46,267 --> 00:40:48,409 - Is something wrong? - A little. Um, 895 00:40:48,444 --> 00:40:50,238 I can't go to the 4:30 movie with you 896 00:40:50,273 --> 00:40:52,248 because my mom says I gotta stay home for supper. 897 00:40:52,283 --> 00:40:53,945 But she said I can go after I eat. 898 00:40:54,576 --> 00:40:55,746 Yeah? 899 00:40:55,781 --> 00:40:58,043 Okay, that's... That's awesome, uh... 900 00:40:58,079 --> 00:40:59,786 Bucklick plays again at 7:15. 901 00:40:59,822 --> 00:41:03,324 I'll be there around 7:00, as soon as I'm done with dinner. 902 00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:04,921 You want me to bring you a pork chop? 903 00:41:04,956 --> 00:41:06,953 (lisping) "Pork chopsh and appleshaush. 904 00:41:06,988 --> 00:41:08,663 "Isn't that shwell?" (chuckles) 905 00:41:10,493 --> 00:41:12,464 What? 906 00:41:12,499 --> 00:41:14,295 That's from The Brady Bunch. 907 00:41:14,330 --> 00:41:18,604 Wow. You sure know a lot about movies and TV shows. 908 00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,404 Hey, I'll see you "latey," Peter Brady. 909 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:22,809 Bye. (chuckles) 910 00:41:26,575 --> 00:41:28,715 Sorry. 911 00:41:28,750 --> 00:41:30,982 (imitating Brian) "Pork chops and applesauce." 912 00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:32,852 God. 913 00:41:36,122 --> 00:41:38,427 Worst moment of your life was the day your mom found out 914 00:41:38,462 --> 00:41:40,955 she could make an emergency breakthrough. 915 00:41:40,991 --> 00:41:43,792 That wasn't my mom. That was Melody. 916 00:41:43,827 --> 00:41:45,962 She called you at the movies? 917 00:41:45,997 --> 00:41:48,261 (As Jessica Walters) "Oh, play Misty for me." 918 00:41:48,297 --> 00:41:50,566 She did tell me she can't come to the 4:30 movie. 919 00:41:50,601 --> 00:41:52,175 Oh, yeah? Good. 920 00:41:52,210 --> 00:41:53,772 So she's coming to the 7:15 show. 921 00:41:53,807 --> 00:41:56,240 What? Now she's coming to Dental School? 922 00:41:56,275 --> 00:41:58,426 There's gonna be a ton of titties in that movie, all right? 923 00:41:58,450 --> 00:42:00,172 I'm not trying to be looking at naked ladies 924 00:42:00,208 --> 00:42:02,082 while I'm sitting next to a girl. 925 00:42:02,117 --> 00:42:05,145 Well, I was gonna say we could go to the 4:30 movie of Dental School, 926 00:42:05,180 --> 00:42:07,653 and then we all see Bucklick at 7:15. 927 00:42:07,689 --> 00:42:10,292 Why are we moving the schedule around 928 00:42:10,327 --> 00:42:12,823 for Melody Barnegat? Hmm? (scoffs) 929 00:42:12,858 --> 00:42:15,389 We're supposed to be seeing movies today. 930 00:42:16,359 --> 00:42:18,794 You see a lot of this movie from behind Jessica Court 931 00:42:18,830 --> 00:42:20,359 - or what? - Okay. S-s-s-see, 932 00:42:20,395 --> 00:42:23,201 that's different, okay? That wasn't planned. 933 00:42:23,237 --> 00:42:25,714 That's what you'll say about the kid she's gonna have in nine months. 934 00:42:25,738 --> 00:42:28,870 Ch'yeah, right. I wore a rubber. 935 00:42:28,906 --> 00:42:30,770 Who brings rubbers to the movies? 936 00:42:30,806 --> 00:42:32,643 - I do. - Why? 937 00:42:32,679 --> 00:42:34,976 Because what if the movie sucks? 938 00:42:35,011 --> 00:42:37,713 You walk out. You don't pull out. 939 00:42:37,748 --> 00:42:39,682 If I'm wearing a rubber, 940 00:42:39,717 --> 00:42:41,591 why would I pull out? 941 00:42:46,092 --> 00:42:49,362 There's a damn force field around that damn fortress. 942 00:42:49,397 --> 00:42:51,067 We need to bail out now. 943 00:42:51,102 --> 00:42:52,992 I'm not coming, Damocles. 944 00:42:53,027 --> 00:42:54,570 What in the damn hell? 945 00:42:54,605 --> 00:42:56,307 Look, we only got one shot at this, all right? 946 00:42:56,331 --> 00:42:58,007 So I'm gonna stay here and steer the ship. 947 00:42:58,042 --> 00:42:59,902 Damn it, man! Why? 948 00:42:59,938 --> 00:43:01,837 Back on Earth, I'm just a drummer 949 00:43:01,872 --> 00:43:03,877 in a Van Halen cover band, man. 950 00:43:03,912 --> 00:43:08,550 Okay, but here in space, I can be so much more, Damocles. 951 00:43:08,585 --> 00:43:10,815 I can be the kind of guy I always wanted to be. 952 00:43:10,851 --> 00:43:13,348 I can be the kind of guy they call a hero. 953 00:43:13,383 --> 00:43:17,426 Well, since you've made your damn mind up about it, 954 00:43:17,461 --> 00:43:21,089 then I, Damocles of the Beavermen, 955 00:43:21,125 --> 00:43:24,531 do hereby swear by the eternal Morning Wood 956 00:43:24,566 --> 00:43:27,097 that you, Astro Blaster of Earth, 957 00:43:27,132 --> 00:43:31,531 are the bravest damn hero in the damn galaxy. 958 00:43:31,566 --> 00:43:34,710 Where I'm from, there's a name for people like that. 959 00:43:35,741 --> 00:43:37,141 They're called Americans. 960 00:43:38,446 --> 00:43:41,715 Van Halen cover band! 961 00:43:41,751 --> 00:43:44,183 I'm gonna wake up Belly. The movie's almost over, 962 00:43:44,218 --> 00:43:46,887 so he's gotta go hide in the bathroom before the lights come up. 963 00:43:50,754 --> 00:43:52,385 Get off my bacon! 964 00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:54,630 - Nobody's after your bacon. - (Brian sighs) 965 00:43:54,666 --> 00:43:56,960 Go hide in the bathroom, meet us in Dental School. 966 00:43:56,995 --> 00:43:58,767 But then I'll miss the end of the movie. 967 00:43:58,802 --> 00:44:01,365 So? You already slept through half of it anyways. 968 00:44:01,400 --> 00:44:02,768 Now go. 969 00:44:02,803 --> 00:44:04,564 And don't let Manager Mike see you. 970 00:44:07,241 --> 00:44:08,304 Stealth. 971 00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:13,647 (chuckles) I love this part. Look. 972 00:44:13,682 --> 00:44:17,447 A drummer always does it for the beaver. 973 00:44:17,483 --> 00:44:21,155 (flushing) 974 00:44:21,190 --> 00:44:22,487 (door opens) 975 00:44:22,523 --> 00:44:24,622 (indistinct chatter) 976 00:44:24,657 --> 00:44:26,454 (door creaks, closes) 977 00:44:39,835 --> 00:44:44,043 (chuckling) 978 00:44:52,155 --> 00:44:53,723 "Sex poo." 979 00:45:03,861 --> 00:45:05,267 (belt buckle jingling) 980 00:45:05,302 --> 00:45:07,795 (Belly gasping, panting) 981 00:45:07,831 --> 00:45:09,337 For the beaver! 982 00:45:09,373 --> 00:45:10,939 ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪ 983 00:45:10,974 --> 00:45:13,807 - (yells) Van Halen! - ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪ 984 00:45:13,842 --> 00:45:17,637 - (music continues) - Van Halen! Van Halen! 985 00:45:20,016 --> 00:45:22,411 Why do we always have to sit through these stupid credits? 986 00:45:23,588 --> 00:45:25,612 Remember when we saw Young Sherlock Holmes? 987 00:45:25,647 --> 00:45:27,851 And at the end of the credits they had one more scene? 988 00:45:27,887 --> 00:45:29,819 That was one in a million movies, 989 00:45:29,854 --> 00:45:31,321 and that flick flopped. 990 00:45:31,357 --> 00:45:33,031 So they're never gonna be doing an after-credits scene 991 00:45:33,055 --> 00:45:34,423 in a movie ever again. 992 00:45:36,300 --> 00:45:38,361 See? Waste of time. 993 00:45:41,272 --> 00:45:42,738 We're going for snacks? 994 00:45:42,773 --> 00:45:44,738 - What if Manager Mike sees us? - Screw that guy. 995 00:45:44,773 --> 00:45:46,665 He's probably porkin' the popcorn. 996 00:45:46,701 --> 00:45:49,541 Huh? Bopping your baloney in a public bathroom?! 997 00:45:49,577 --> 00:45:50,910 Open the door, Tommy. 998 00:45:50,945 --> 00:45:53,877 Mashing your monkey?! Noodling your nugget?! 999 00:45:53,913 --> 00:45:56,184 You are banned for life, playboy. 1000 00:45:56,220 --> 00:45:57,787 You disgust me! 1001 00:46:00,248 --> 00:46:02,523 Masturbating in a public area 1002 00:46:02,558 --> 00:46:05,190 is only fun for one person. 1003 00:46:06,121 --> 00:46:07,390 Write that down, Philip. 1004 00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,772 (no audio) 1005 00:46:19,036 --> 00:46:20,436 (muffled) Meet me out back. 1006 00:46:22,478 --> 00:46:24,079 Meet me out back... 1007 00:46:24,114 --> 00:46:25,573 again. 1008 00:46:31,750 --> 00:46:33,218 Enjoy the movie. 1009 00:46:35,554 --> 00:46:36,949 Dick. 1010 00:46:36,985 --> 00:46:38,518 (scoffs) Hi. 1011 00:46:38,553 --> 00:46:40,963 Go away, little girl. This movie's rated R. 1012 00:46:41,732 --> 00:46:45,360 I know. I just wanted to ask a question. 1013 00:46:45,395 --> 00:46:47,107 Why are you talking to me? No one talks to me. 1014 00:46:47,131 --> 00:46:48,503 Yeah, b-but, I mean, but you... 1015 00:46:48,538 --> 00:46:50,103 Is it awesome to work here? 1016 00:46:50,138 --> 00:46:53,202 Is it awesome to work here? No, it sucks to work here. 1017 00:46:53,237 --> 00:46:54,707 But you get to see all the movies. 1018 00:46:54,742 --> 00:46:57,305 Movies suck. This movie sucks. 1019 00:46:57,340 --> 00:46:59,110 Half the town and their mother is here. 1020 00:46:59,145 --> 00:47:01,915 Which is fine, 'cause Americans have no taste. 1021 00:47:01,951 --> 00:47:04,615 You know why? 'Cause Americans have no future. 1022 00:47:04,650 --> 00:47:06,447 America sucks. 1023 00:47:06,482 --> 00:47:09,586 Now, please, run along. Change your diaper. 1024 00:47:09,621 --> 00:47:11,994 - We don't have a future? (stammers) - What are you doing? 1025 00:47:12,029 --> 00:47:13,964 - Don't... (stammers) - What's going on with your hands? 1026 00:47:13,988 --> 00:47:15,669 - Why do you think America sucks? - You're being really jumpy. 1027 00:47:15,693 --> 00:47:17,963 - Since-since when? - Why are you coming so close to me? 1028 00:47:17,999 --> 00:47:19,495 Haven't you even seen The Day After? 1029 00:47:20,529 --> 00:47:22,969 If Russia decides to nuke us, we're done. 1030 00:47:23,004 --> 00:47:26,401 Kaput. Kentucky fried chickens. (exhales) 1031 00:47:26,436 --> 00:47:28,802 And I actually welcome it. I say bring it. 1032 00:47:28,838 --> 00:47:32,481 Take me now, so I never have to see Dental School ever again. 1033 00:47:32,516 --> 00:47:33,844 You don't like Dental School? 1034 00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:35,584 I've never actually seen it. 1035 00:47:35,620 --> 00:47:37,916 I just hear it all day and night. 1036 00:47:37,951 --> 00:47:40,350 You're pulling your pud in public? 1037 00:47:40,386 --> 00:47:43,623 Public masturbation is only ever fun for one person 1038 00:47:43,659 --> 00:47:45,620 - at a time. - Shut up! 1039 00:47:48,827 --> 00:47:51,230 (dramatic music) 1040 00:47:53,695 --> 00:47:55,694 I mean, if Gorby gets a hot trigger finger, 1041 00:47:55,730 --> 00:47:58,504 we are Canadian bacon over here in America. 1042 00:47:58,540 --> 00:48:00,774 Just crushed. 1043 00:48:00,809 --> 00:48:03,840 Isn't there a shield or something? 1044 00:48:03,875 --> 00:48:06,209 (scoffs) A shield? 1045 00:48:06,244 --> 00:48:08,111 You know anything about Star Wars? 1046 00:48:08,147 --> 00:48:09,784 I know everything about Star Wars. 1047 00:48:09,819 --> 00:48:11,545 You do? So then you know everything 1048 00:48:11,580 --> 00:48:13,851 about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, 1049 00:48:13,886 --> 00:48:15,188 the Star Wars program? 1050 00:48:16,551 --> 00:48:19,820 Oh, um, what? I thought you meant... 1051 00:48:19,855 --> 00:48:22,692 Oh, oh, you thought I meant that excruciating space opera. 1052 00:48:22,728 --> 00:48:25,727 No, thank you. You know, I thank our nonexistent God every day 1053 00:48:25,762 --> 00:48:28,165 that there will never be another Star Wars movie made. 1054 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,972 We're... we're at the end of Star Wars. 1055 00:48:31,008 --> 00:48:33,833 You know what I mean? W-what would they do next? 1056 00:48:33,868 --> 00:48:36,910 Go back and start telling us episode one, two, and three? 1057 00:48:36,945 --> 00:48:38,341 Can you imagine if they were like, 1058 00:48:38,376 --> 00:48:40,140 "Let's break it up into little TV series"? 1059 00:48:40,175 --> 00:48:41,543 Pfft. Yeah, right! 1060 00:48:41,578 --> 00:48:44,545 I mean, you gotta be out of your mind. (laughs) 1061 00:48:44,580 --> 00:48:47,082 Like, "We wanna follow some side stories" 1062 00:48:47,117 --> 00:48:48,681 of small characters." 1063 00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,890 Like, "Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing." 1064 00:48:50,926 --> 00:48:52,186 I wanna invest my time in that." 1065 00:48:52,221 --> 00:48:54,261 Get out of here! (laughs) 1066 00:48:54,297 --> 00:48:57,661 I don't care about that stuff! I don't even like Star Wars. 1067 00:48:57,697 --> 00:48:58,968 Gotta go! 1068 00:48:59,898 --> 00:49:01,263 What an asshole. 1069 00:49:01,299 --> 00:49:02,670 I need you to clean the men's room. 1070 00:49:02,706 --> 00:49:04,435 Somebody took a shit in a urinal. 1071 00:49:07,104 --> 00:49:09,044 "Somebody" or you, Mike? 1072 00:49:13,110 --> 00:49:14,944 - (panting) - Hmm... 1073 00:49:14,980 --> 00:49:16,414 (Burny chuckles) Oh. 1074 00:49:18,152 --> 00:49:20,286 Uh, what happened? I had him distracted. 1075 00:49:20,321 --> 00:49:23,017 The place was packed. There's only one seat open. 1076 00:49:23,052 --> 00:49:27,026 Because of you and Melody, now we can't even see Dental School! 1077 00:49:27,061 --> 00:49:28,761 You don't hear Belly belly-aching. 1078 00:49:28,797 --> 00:49:29,960 Because Belly's an idiot. 1079 00:49:29,995 --> 00:49:31,523 No more bacon for Burny. 1080 00:49:31,558 --> 00:49:34,270 So? Do you think I give a shit? 1081 00:49:34,305 --> 00:49:35,763 (girl) Hey! 1082 00:49:35,798 --> 00:49:38,406 You just said "shit" in front of my little sister. 1083 00:49:38,442 --> 00:49:39,703 She's only six. 1084 00:49:39,738 --> 00:49:41,038 (scoffs) 1085 00:49:41,073 --> 00:49:43,911 Get out of my face, four eyes. 1086 00:49:43,946 --> 00:49:46,048 Hey! What are you... Let go of me! 1087 00:49:46,083 --> 00:49:49,444 - (girls screaming) - Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me! 1088 00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,146 - (girls screeching) - (Burny yelling) 1089 00:49:52,181 --> 00:49:54,786 Boys, boys, boys. 1090 00:49:54,822 --> 00:49:56,152 (tense music plays) 1091 00:49:56,187 --> 00:49:57,450 In the words of the tagline 1092 00:49:57,485 --> 00:49:59,257 from the Commando poster, 1093 00:49:59,292 --> 00:50:03,727 "Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay". 1094 00:50:03,763 --> 00:50:05,065 (chuckles) 1095 00:50:05,100 --> 00:50:07,765 What's wrong with you? Get out! Get... get out! 1096 00:50:07,801 --> 00:50:09,002 (Brian grunts) 1097 00:50:09,038 --> 00:50:11,266 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1098 00:50:11,302 --> 00:50:13,572 (screams) Suck my left nut! 1099 00:50:13,608 --> 00:50:14,868 Not today. 1100 00:50:16,770 --> 00:50:19,114 - (door closes) - (yells furiously) 1101 00:50:20,948 --> 00:50:22,310 - (growls) - Burny, wait! 1102 00:50:22,346 --> 00:50:24,277 - (growls) - (footsteps tap) 1103 00:50:24,313 --> 00:50:26,481 Stop holding hands! 1104 00:50:26,517 --> 00:50:28,348 Where are you going? We gotta fix this! 1105 00:50:28,383 --> 00:50:29,623 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1106 00:50:29,659 --> 00:50:30,826 Because of you two, 1107 00:50:30,861 --> 00:50:32,495 I just got the shit kicked out of me 1108 00:50:32,530 --> 00:50:34,093 by three little girls. 1109 00:50:34,128 --> 00:50:35,960 Who cares? We just got banned for life! 1110 00:50:35,995 --> 00:50:37,660 Yeah. Like Danny Banks. 1111 00:50:37,695 --> 00:50:40,296 How am I supposed to take Melody to see Bucklick now? 1112 00:50:40,332 --> 00:50:42,462 Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody! 1113 00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:44,034 Man, this is all her fault! 1114 00:50:44,069 --> 00:50:46,439 How? She's not even here! 1115 00:50:46,475 --> 00:50:49,373 'Cause ever since you asked her to come to the movies with us, 1116 00:50:49,409 --> 00:50:51,471 we've been moving everything around for her, 1117 00:50:51,506 --> 00:50:52,948 and now we're banned for life. 1118 00:50:52,984 --> 00:50:55,311 (scoffs) We're banned because you picked a fight 1119 00:50:55,347 --> 00:50:56,775 - with a nine-year-old! - Bullshit! 1120 00:50:56,811 --> 00:50:59,444 We would be in that theater right now 1121 00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:01,184 watching Bucklick, 1122 00:51:01,219 --> 00:51:04,055 but you had to invite Melody! 1123 00:51:04,090 --> 00:51:05,960 Holy shit, what? What the hell 1124 00:51:05,995 --> 00:51:08,327 is your obsession with Melody Barnegat? 1125 00:51:08,362 --> 00:51:11,700 You're the one obsessed with Melody Barnegat! 1126 00:51:11,735 --> 00:51:13,729 We just gotta deal with it. 1127 00:51:13,765 --> 00:51:16,906 - Deal with what?! - That she's a goddamn sophomore! 1128 00:51:16,941 --> 00:51:19,469 Who cares? Big whoop! We're goddamn juniors! 1129 00:51:19,505 --> 00:51:22,067 But we're gonna be seniors in September, Bri. 1130 00:51:22,103 --> 00:51:25,008 And then you'll be all like, "Oh, Melody's a stupid junior. 1131 00:51:25,044 --> 00:51:28,577 - Doodly doodly doo!" - No, no, no. Don't... Don't "doodly doo" me, okay? 1132 00:51:28,612 --> 00:51:30,061 You're the one that's trying to make out 1133 00:51:30,085 --> 00:51:31,747 with this little Ewok-looking bitch! 1134 00:51:33,921 --> 00:51:34,986 What are you doing? 1135 00:51:35,022 --> 00:51:36,154 What the hell are you doing? 1136 00:51:36,190 --> 00:51:38,852 - We're gonna fight. - Oh, yeah. 1137 00:51:38,887 --> 00:51:40,534 - We're gonna fight? - Yeah, we're gonna fight! 1138 00:51:40,558 --> 00:51:43,895 I'm tired of you making fun of Melody, okay? 1139 00:51:43,931 --> 00:51:45,667 So put up your dukes. 1140 00:51:45,703 --> 00:51:47,893 Put up my dukes. (laughs) 1141 00:51:47,929 --> 00:51:51,071 If I put up one of my dukes, I will kill you. 1142 00:51:51,106 --> 00:51:53,435 Come on, guys. Friends don't fight. 1143 00:51:53,471 --> 00:51:56,877 Friends?! You call this friendship? 1144 00:51:56,912 --> 00:51:59,045 He cares about his stupid truck 1145 00:51:59,081 --> 00:52:01,073 more than he cares about my feelings! 1146 00:52:02,279 --> 00:52:04,648 So let's go. Let's go! 1147 00:52:05,887 --> 00:52:06,980 Fight me. I dare you. 1148 00:52:08,956 --> 00:52:11,421 I don't fight midgets. 1149 00:52:11,456 --> 00:52:13,188 - (punch lands) - (onlookers shout) 1150 00:52:13,224 --> 00:52:15,023 (breathing shakily) 1151 00:52:15,059 --> 00:52:16,589 You do now. 1152 00:52:16,625 --> 00:52:19,361 - You stupid... - (woman) Hey! 1153 00:52:19,396 --> 00:52:21,461 (Belly) Hey! Guys! Hey, hey! 1154 00:52:21,496 --> 00:52:23,796 Guys, stop it. Stop it! 1155 00:52:23,831 --> 00:52:26,067 - (grunting) - Stop! Stop, stop it! 1156 00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:27,372 Stop it! 1157 00:52:27,407 --> 00:52:30,271 Burny is not obsessed with Melody Barnegat. 1158 00:52:30,306 --> 00:52:31,537 Thank you, Bells. 1159 00:52:31,572 --> 00:52:32,744 He's threatened by her. 1160 00:52:32,779 --> 00:52:33,916 W-What? 1161 00:52:33,951 --> 00:52:35,279 Why the hell would I be threatened 1162 00:52:35,315 --> 00:52:36,909 by that little carpenter's dream? 1163 00:52:36,944 --> 00:52:38,919 She's as flat as a board and as easy to nail. 1164 00:52:38,955 --> 00:52:41,715 - No, she's not! - Knock it off. 1165 00:52:41,750 --> 00:52:43,815 Can't you see Brian idolizes you? 1166 00:52:43,851 --> 00:52:46,088 Idolize Burn Boy? Oh, I do not. 1167 00:52:46,124 --> 00:52:47,424 Oh, yes, you do. 1168 00:52:47,460 --> 00:52:49,100 You look up to him because he's confident, 1169 00:52:49,131 --> 00:52:50,559 which is something you can never be, 1170 00:52:50,594 --> 00:52:51,776 because you think you're too short. 1171 00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:53,065 He is too short. 1172 00:52:53,100 --> 00:52:54,396 He should be looking at the sky, 1173 00:52:54,431 --> 00:52:56,767 saying "Da plane! Da plane!" 1174 00:52:57,470 --> 00:52:59,172 - Do something! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1175 00:52:59,208 --> 00:53:00,677 Burny, you keep running down his dream 1176 00:53:00,701 --> 00:53:02,173 about dating Melody Barnegat, 1177 00:53:02,208 --> 00:53:03,341 all threatened by the girl, 1178 00:53:03,376 --> 00:53:04,939 just because Brian is in love with her. 1179 00:53:04,975 --> 00:53:07,473 Whoa, I never said I was in love with Melody Barnegat. 1180 00:53:07,508 --> 00:53:09,612 Uh, well, you are. 1181 00:53:09,648 --> 00:53:11,262 You've been talking about her since last summer 1182 00:53:11,286 --> 00:53:13,121 'cause she makes you feel good about yourself. 1183 00:53:13,157 --> 00:53:15,034 She makes you forget that you think you're short. 1184 00:53:15,058 --> 00:53:16,618 He is short. He's a four-foot freak. 1185 00:53:16,654 --> 00:53:19,292 - Oh, and you're a control freak. - Yeah! 1186 00:53:19,327 --> 00:53:21,260 So you're afraid Brian's gonna start spending 1187 00:53:21,295 --> 00:53:23,527 all his time with Melody instead of you. 1188 00:53:23,562 --> 00:53:25,296 Yeah, but you can't admit that to yourself 1189 00:53:25,331 --> 00:53:26,859 because you think being a man 1190 00:53:26,894 --> 00:53:28,666 means being tough like Major Murder. 1191 00:53:29,964 --> 00:53:31,597 What's tougher than fighting your friend 1192 00:53:31,632 --> 00:53:32,868 over the woman you love? 1193 00:53:34,805 --> 00:53:36,810 I know you guys think I'm dumb or something, 1194 00:53:36,845 --> 00:53:38,709 but I am not dumb. 1195 00:53:38,744 --> 00:53:40,489 Okay, I just don't talk as much as the two of you 1196 00:53:40,513 --> 00:53:42,174 since you guys never shut the hell up! 1197 00:53:43,080 --> 00:53:44,283 Ah. 1198 00:53:44,318 --> 00:53:45,792 So that gives me a lot of time to listen, 1199 00:53:45,816 --> 00:53:48,790 and... in all the years I've been listening, 1200 00:53:48,826 --> 00:53:50,317 here's what I've learned. 1201 00:53:50,353 --> 00:53:51,986 You know movies. 1202 00:53:53,422 --> 00:53:54,959 You know women. 1203 00:53:54,994 --> 00:53:56,489 Yeah, I do. 1204 00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:58,396 But I know you guys 1205 00:53:58,432 --> 00:54:01,163 better than the two of you know yourselves. 1206 00:54:01,198 --> 00:54:05,671 So it's time for you to stop looking for Burny's approval on everything. 1207 00:54:05,706 --> 00:54:08,370 It's time for you to start letting Brian be his own man. 1208 00:54:08,405 --> 00:54:11,136 (scoffs) By all means. 1209 00:54:11,172 --> 00:54:13,542 And it's time both of you assholes apologize to me 1210 00:54:13,578 --> 00:54:15,216 for making fun of my mom's bacon 1211 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:17,418 even though you ate the shit out of it all day! 1212 00:54:19,349 --> 00:54:20,349 You're right. 1213 00:54:34,067 --> 00:54:36,063 Eh... (scoffs) 1214 00:54:42,878 --> 00:54:45,207 Come on. Burny. 1215 00:54:45,243 --> 00:54:46,507 You're adults! 1216 00:54:46,543 --> 00:54:48,141 Stop touching each other! 1217 00:54:50,921 --> 00:54:53,113 (mellow pop music playing) 1218 00:55:20,146 --> 00:55:22,142 (music continues) 1219 00:55:31,026 --> 00:55:32,658 (vehicle approaching) 1220 00:55:39,860 --> 00:55:42,096 (motorcycle engine stops) 1221 00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:02,614 Hey... hey, excuse me? Excuse me? 1222 00:56:02,649 --> 00:56:04,122 Oh, excuse me! 1223 00:56:04,158 --> 00:56:06,423 Holy shit, it is you! 1224 00:56:06,458 --> 00:56:07,990 You're... you're Major Murder. 1225 00:56:08,725 --> 00:56:10,299 (in character) At ease, ya sleaze. 1226 00:56:10,334 --> 00:56:11,835 I-I... I'm your biggest fan. I gotta be honest. 1227 00:56:11,859 --> 00:56:13,091 Um, I know all your fights. 1228 00:56:13,127 --> 00:56:15,699 That's a major thank you from Major Murder. 1229 00:56:15,735 --> 00:56:18,132 But, uh, I'm here to see someone really special. 1230 00:56:19,205 --> 00:56:21,300 (bird squawking) 1231 00:56:22,639 --> 00:56:24,642 Ahh. Is that your daughter? 1232 00:56:24,677 --> 00:56:26,944 (drops character) My daughter? It's my wife. 1233 00:56:26,980 --> 00:56:30,709 (stammers) I'm sorry, she just looks a lot younger than you... 1234 00:56:30,744 --> 00:56:32,187 That's depressing. 1235 00:56:32,223 --> 00:56:33,982 Do I really look that much older than her? 1236 00:56:34,017 --> 00:56:36,181 - Uh... - Just... Must be all the steroids, 1237 00:56:36,217 --> 00:56:38,626 'cause Rosie and I went to high school together. 1238 00:56:38,662 --> 00:56:40,869 We started dating when I was a junior and she was a sophomore. 1239 00:56:40,893 --> 00:56:43,531 All my pals used to razz me about her being younger. 1240 00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:46,969 Ha. I-I'm sure you Major Murdered those guys, huh? 1241 00:56:47,004 --> 00:56:48,865 Actually, I just cried a lot. 1242 00:56:48,901 --> 00:56:51,006 I may not look like it now, but back in high school, 1243 00:56:51,041 --> 00:56:53,207 I was a very sensitive fat kid. 1244 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:56,175 - Bullshit. - No, no, real shit. 1245 00:56:56,211 --> 00:56:57,704 You know, my name's Albert, 1246 00:56:57,740 --> 00:56:59,311 so I'd get called Fat Albert 1247 00:56:59,347 --> 00:57:01,310 because of the cartoon? (laughs) 1248 00:57:01,346 --> 00:57:02,875 Ah, Bill Cosby. 1249 00:57:02,910 --> 00:57:04,346 Now that's an American treasure. 1250 00:57:04,381 --> 00:57:06,054 (chuckles) Ah, 1251 00:57:06,090 --> 00:57:08,683 that man will always be beloved. 1252 00:57:08,719 --> 00:57:10,083 So you know, back in high school, 1253 00:57:10,118 --> 00:57:12,023 I was always very sensitive about my weight. 1254 00:57:12,059 --> 00:57:14,393 But Rosie... 1255 00:57:14,429 --> 00:57:16,561 she always made me forget I was fat. 1256 00:57:16,596 --> 00:57:18,695 She always made me feel like I was thin. 1257 00:57:18,730 --> 00:57:20,730 So you made her Mrs. Major Murder? 1258 00:57:20,765 --> 00:57:23,162 Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein. 1259 00:57:23,197 --> 00:57:25,669 Major Murder's real name is Albert Holstein? 1260 00:57:25,705 --> 00:57:28,767 Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein is a kind of cow? 1261 00:57:28,802 --> 00:57:30,203 So, uh, you know, 1262 00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:32,410 in high school, there was a lot of, uh, cow names. 1263 00:57:32,445 --> 00:57:34,745 - Cow names? - Yeah, like, 1264 00:57:34,780 --> 00:57:38,449 the Moo Man, you know, Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy. 1265 00:57:38,484 --> 00:57:39,884 You know, I'd get Hugh Heifer. 1266 00:57:41,090 --> 00:57:43,452 I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass. 1267 00:57:43,488 --> 00:57:45,518 I-I'd get Milky Tits. 1268 00:57:45,553 --> 00:57:47,394 Cow Pie. 1269 00:57:47,429 --> 00:57:50,427 Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty. 1270 00:57:50,462 --> 00:57:51,896 (Burny smacks lips) Ah. 1271 00:57:57,507 --> 00:57:59,672 - Hey. Thanks for being a fan. - (shakes hand) 1272 00:57:59,708 --> 00:58:02,170 And, uh, please don't tell anybody how I really talk. 1273 00:58:03,509 --> 00:58:05,145 Uh, or about the cow names. 1274 00:58:05,180 --> 00:58:08,814 (military music plays) 1275 00:58:11,349 --> 00:58:12,444 Yo, Major. 1276 00:58:14,151 --> 00:58:17,325 You gonna go storm those cheeks like it's Omaha Beach? 1277 00:58:17,360 --> 00:58:19,218 (in character) If you have to ask, 1278 00:58:19,253 --> 00:58:22,025 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 1279 00:58:24,361 --> 00:58:27,395 ♪♪ 1280 00:58:27,431 --> 00:58:28,431 (chuckles) 1281 00:58:48,453 --> 00:58:49,690 (sighs deeply) 1282 00:58:54,855 --> 00:58:55,960 (lighter flicks) 1283 00:59:01,300 --> 00:59:02,494 (exhales) 1284 00:59:10,642 --> 00:59:12,376 What are you doing back here? 1285 00:59:12,412 --> 00:59:14,646 Your ass is banned. 1286 00:59:14,681 --> 00:59:16,717 Which means my life is pretty much over. 1287 00:59:18,854 --> 00:59:21,183 So I'm just thinking about hurling myself down the stairs. 1288 00:59:22,555 --> 00:59:24,252 Who are you, Father Karras? 1289 00:59:26,856 --> 00:59:28,795 Is that an Exorcist joke? 1290 00:59:28,831 --> 00:59:31,166 Well, it's not an Exorcist II: The Heretic joke. 1291 00:59:31,201 --> 00:59:32,832 I respect John Boorman too much. 1292 00:59:34,534 --> 00:59:36,033 You know who John Boorman is? 1293 00:59:38,038 --> 00:59:43,040 Anáil nathrach orth bhais betha, do cheol déanta. 1294 00:59:44,738 --> 00:59:46,175 Holy shit. 1295 00:59:51,945 --> 00:59:53,182 The Charm of Making. 1296 00:59:54,520 --> 00:59:55,487 You've seen Excalibur? 1297 00:59:55,522 --> 00:59:58,018 You think I make $3.05 an hour 1298 00:59:58,054 --> 00:59:59,919 because I can't get a real job? 1299 00:59:59,955 --> 01:00:01,987 Movies are my life, dude. 1300 01:00:02,022 --> 01:00:03,529 That's why you work here. 1301 01:00:03,565 --> 01:00:05,696 No. That's why I'm leaving here. 1302 01:00:05,731 --> 01:00:07,530 I'm moving to Providence next week. 1303 01:00:07,566 --> 01:00:08,901 What's in Providence? 1304 01:00:09,771 --> 01:00:12,239 I'm gonna the Rhode Island School of Design, 1305 01:00:12,274 --> 01:00:13,703 like Martha Coolidge. 1306 01:00:13,738 --> 01:00:16,334 Martha Coolidge, the director? 1307 01:00:16,370 --> 01:00:18,675 Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is? 1308 01:00:18,710 --> 01:00:20,677 Yeah. Movies are my life too. 1309 01:00:20,712 --> 01:00:22,250 Valley Girl is in my top ten. 1310 01:00:22,286 --> 01:00:24,077 That guy, Nic Cage, is a genius. 1311 01:00:24,113 --> 01:00:25,553 - Yeah. - Have you seen Birdy? 1312 01:00:25,589 --> 01:00:27,782 Oh, yeah, I've seen every Alan Parker film. 1313 01:00:27,818 --> 01:00:29,589 You know who Alan Parker is? 1314 01:00:29,625 --> 01:00:33,352 Duh. Fame and The Wall are so rad. 1315 01:00:33,387 --> 01:00:36,397 But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol. 1316 01:00:36,433 --> 01:00:38,189 I wanna be a director like her. 1317 01:00:38,224 --> 01:00:39,932 This is... This is so cool, uh, 1318 01:00:39,968 --> 01:00:42,429 I've never met anyone who wanted to be a director before. 1319 01:00:43,403 --> 01:00:44,931 Sure you have. 1320 01:00:44,966 --> 01:00:46,235 Just look in the mirror. 1321 01:00:48,945 --> 01:00:49,945 Me? 1322 01:00:50,608 --> 01:00:52,810 A-a director? Nah. 1323 01:00:52,845 --> 01:00:54,646 I just... I just love going to the movies. 1324 01:00:54,682 --> 01:00:56,751 Yeah, man, that's how it starts. 1325 01:00:58,579 --> 01:01:00,781 Most people come to movies to escape their lives, 1326 01:01:00,817 --> 01:01:02,921 but people like us, 1327 01:01:02,957 --> 01:01:06,618 we come here because movies make life make sense. 1328 01:01:07,860 --> 01:01:10,822 Out here, man, world's full of lies. 1329 01:01:11,692 --> 01:01:15,429 But in there, they tell the lie that tells the truth. 1330 01:01:15,464 --> 01:01:18,036 And the truth about you and me is we're filmmakers. 1331 01:01:20,101 --> 01:01:21,899 We just haven't made our films. 1332 01:01:21,935 --> 01:01:23,405 (exhales) 1333 01:01:23,441 --> 01:01:24,475 Yet. 1334 01:01:24,510 --> 01:01:26,539 (soft music plays) 1335 01:01:33,023 --> 01:01:34,681 (door locks) 1336 01:01:34,716 --> 01:01:35,724 "Yet." 1337 01:01:40,054 --> 01:01:43,061 (bright music playing) 1338 01:01:55,242 --> 01:01:56,376 Whoa. 1339 01:01:56,411 --> 01:02:02,344 (saxophone solo plays) 1340 01:02:03,913 --> 01:02:05,347 That girl's real, right? 1341 01:02:07,485 --> 01:02:08,548 Thanks. 1342 01:02:13,889 --> 01:02:15,954 Hi, Melody Barnegat. 1343 01:02:15,990 --> 01:02:17,865 Hi, Brian David. 1344 01:02:18,992 --> 01:02:20,529 You look... 1345 01:02:20,565 --> 01:02:22,163 resplendent. 1346 01:02:22,198 --> 01:02:25,565 "Resplendent"? Okay, Doctor Dictionary. 1347 01:02:27,169 --> 01:02:28,876 - Let's go see Bucklick. - Uh... 1348 01:02:29,841 --> 01:02:32,005 I-I don't think we can get in. 1349 01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:33,276 Because it's rated R? 1350 01:02:34,847 --> 01:02:36,950 Well, more because I got banned. 1351 01:02:38,081 --> 01:02:40,789 Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks? 1352 01:02:42,223 --> 01:02:43,349 Kinda. 1353 01:02:43,384 --> 01:02:45,057 So, how are we gonna see Bucklick? 1354 01:02:50,365 --> 01:02:51,558 I have an idea. 1355 01:02:59,209 --> 01:03:00,270 (door closes) 1356 01:03:02,071 --> 01:03:04,637 Huh. Strathmore Cinema City. 1357 01:03:05,578 --> 01:03:06,947 Give me a second. 1358 01:03:07,776 --> 01:03:08,784 Okay. 1359 01:03:12,817 --> 01:03:15,221 Excuse me, Manager Mike. 1360 01:03:15,256 --> 01:03:17,084 Oh, oh. 1361 01:03:17,119 --> 01:03:19,460 Little kid I just banned. Hi. 1362 01:03:19,495 --> 01:03:21,623 I wanted to ask you about that. 1363 01:03:21,658 --> 01:03:22,961 Mm-hmm? 1364 01:03:22,996 --> 01:03:26,296 I know me and my friends were obnoxious today. 1365 01:03:27,967 --> 01:03:31,137 But I stand here before you as a man... 1366 01:03:31,172 --> 01:03:32,737 Wow. 1367 01:03:32,772 --> 01:03:34,067 To beg you to lift the ban. 1368 01:03:34,102 --> 01:03:35,602 And why would I do that? 1369 01:03:36,609 --> 01:03:38,239 You see that girl? 1370 01:03:38,274 --> 01:03:40,244 - Yeah. - That's Melody Barnegat. 1371 01:03:42,012 --> 01:03:43,951 The raddest woman I ever met. 1372 01:03:45,448 --> 01:03:48,888 And last summer, I was too scared to ask her out. 1373 01:03:48,923 --> 01:03:52,254 But this morning, I invited her to the movies 1374 01:03:52,289 --> 01:03:55,229 at your theater, and... and she said "yes." 1375 01:03:55,265 --> 01:03:56,326 Congratulations. 1376 01:03:57,833 --> 01:03:59,626 This could be the greatest night of my life. 1377 01:04:01,362 --> 01:04:03,131 Please lift the ban this one time 1378 01:04:03,167 --> 01:04:04,796 so we can go to the movies. I mean, 1379 01:04:04,831 --> 01:04:07,776 it'd mean everything to me, and-and I'll do anything. 1380 01:04:07,811 --> 01:04:10,142 I'll-I'll even work here for free or-or something. 1381 01:04:11,544 --> 01:04:13,981 Please, sir. 1382 01:04:15,384 --> 01:04:16,544 What do you say? 1383 01:04:19,620 --> 01:04:21,414 Tsk. What do I say? 1384 01:04:21,449 --> 01:04:24,518 Well, when you put it like that... 1385 01:04:24,553 --> 01:04:27,286 I say, Munchkins from the merry old land of Oz 1386 01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:29,122 belong on the movie screen, 1387 01:04:29,157 --> 01:04:31,691 not in my movie theater. 1388 01:04:34,236 --> 01:04:37,571 (laughs) 1389 01:04:37,606 --> 01:04:41,008 Hey. Hey, listen up, loser. 1390 01:04:41,044 --> 01:04:44,140 You know, you got a lot of balls calling this guy Munchkin 1391 01:04:44,175 --> 01:04:46,040 when you're short as shit yourself. 1392 01:04:46,075 --> 01:04:48,139 (onlookers gasp, laugh) 1393 01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:50,578 Wow. Tsk. Wow. 1394 01:04:52,148 --> 01:04:54,219 You remind me of my daughter. 1395 01:04:55,590 --> 01:04:58,855 I hate my daughter. 1396 01:04:58,891 --> 01:05:01,553 And you got a lot of nerve 1397 01:05:01,588 --> 01:05:04,161 talking to me like that, Minnie Mouse. 1398 01:05:04,197 --> 01:05:07,358 I'm in the movie business. I talk to studios. 1399 01:05:07,394 --> 01:05:10,630 So, you're just a little kid 1400 01:05:10,665 --> 01:05:14,375 who looks like a daughter that I can't stand. 1401 01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:15,867 So what do you know? 1402 01:05:17,013 --> 01:05:20,840 I know you don't know shit about the movie business. 1403 01:05:20,875 --> 01:05:22,984 Because if you did, you wouldn't act like such a poser 1404 01:05:23,020 --> 01:05:25,613 and drive around in your stupid-looking Moviemobile. 1405 01:05:26,249 --> 01:05:28,982 - Okay? - He's not a Munchkin. 1406 01:05:29,018 --> 01:05:30,885 He's a nice guy. 1407 01:05:30,921 --> 01:05:33,856 Something you don't understand at all because you are an asshole. 1408 01:05:33,892 --> 01:05:36,888 (laughter, applause) 1409 01:05:40,728 --> 01:05:42,736 Well, let me tell you something, little girl. 1410 01:05:42,772 --> 01:05:46,100 Now you're banned, for life too! 1411 01:05:46,136 --> 01:05:48,768 You and Bilbo Baggins here 1412 01:05:48,803 --> 01:05:51,947 are never getting inside my movie theater ever again. 1413 01:05:51,982 --> 01:05:55,709 - (patrons jeering) - Clap to that! Clap to that. 1414 01:05:57,245 --> 01:05:59,647 (outside horn honking) 1415 01:06:01,821 --> 01:06:06,126 (horn honking louder) 1416 01:06:10,332 --> 01:06:11,494 (yells) 1417 01:06:15,339 --> 01:06:16,704 Ahh! Oh, my God! 1418 01:06:16,739 --> 01:06:18,738 - (steam hissing) - Oh, my...! 1419 01:06:18,773 --> 01:06:22,869 Ahh! (yells) My Moviemobile! 1420 01:06:22,905 --> 01:06:24,243 No! 1421 01:06:25,239 --> 01:06:26,712 (yells louder) No! 1422 01:06:26,747 --> 01:06:27,912 - You okay? - Yeah. 1423 01:06:27,947 --> 01:06:29,546 - (Mike yelling) - Get inside. 1424 01:06:29,581 --> 01:06:31,557 But Burny just crashed his Truckster into the Moviemobile! 1425 01:06:31,581 --> 01:06:34,388 As a distraction so you guys can get inside. 1426 01:06:34,424 --> 01:06:36,321 So get inside. 1427 01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:47,200 Oh, this stupid car hit my truck! 1428 01:06:49,367 --> 01:06:52,799 I only had eight more payments on it! 1429 01:06:54,608 --> 01:06:55,967 Only eight! 1430 01:06:57,270 --> 01:06:59,311 Oh, my God! 1431 01:07:01,141 --> 01:07:04,578 Hey, Pat Benatar. This is a rated R movie. Can't come in here. 1432 01:07:04,613 --> 01:07:06,348 Some guy just crashed into the Moviemobile. 1433 01:07:06,384 --> 01:07:09,654 No way, really?! Ha ha! There is a God! 1434 01:07:09,690 --> 01:07:11,153 (both giggling) 1435 01:07:11,188 --> 01:07:14,188 Come here, yeah. (muttering) 1436 01:07:14,223 --> 01:07:16,990 Here! Sorry. Excuse me. 1437 01:07:17,026 --> 01:07:18,033 Excuse me. 1438 01:07:20,633 --> 01:07:22,167 Holy shit. 1439 01:07:22,202 --> 01:07:25,797 That was the most amazing thing I ever saw. 1440 01:07:25,832 --> 01:07:28,600 You totally tore that asshole a new asshole. 1441 01:07:28,636 --> 01:07:31,838 He deserves it. I hate bullies. 1442 01:07:34,146 --> 01:07:36,546 You're amazing. Melody Barnegat. 1443 01:07:41,754 --> 01:07:42,882 Took all day. 1444 01:07:43,823 --> 01:07:45,016 But here we are. 1445 01:07:49,932 --> 01:07:52,864 We're finally gonna see our 4:30 movie, 1446 01:07:52,900 --> 01:07:54,632 and nobody's gonna stop us. 1447 01:07:54,668 --> 01:07:55,895 Is that so? 1448 01:07:57,438 --> 01:07:58,807 Mom? 1449 01:07:58,842 --> 01:08:00,240 What the hell are you doing here? 1450 01:08:01,272 --> 01:08:02,801 We're here to see Astro Blaster. 1451 01:08:02,837 --> 01:08:04,573 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1452 01:08:04,608 --> 01:08:07,506 This isn't Astro Blaster. This is Bucklick, 1453 01:08:07,541 --> 01:08:09,378 and Bucklick is rated R. 1454 01:08:09,414 --> 01:08:12,180 Ooh, what are you doing here, Melody? 1455 01:08:12,215 --> 01:08:13,415 Bucklick is rated R. 1456 01:08:13,450 --> 01:08:15,013 She said she's gonna see Astro Blaster, 1457 01:08:15,048 --> 01:08:17,819 but she's sneaking into R-rated movies with this guy. 1458 01:08:17,854 --> 01:08:20,890 Oh, so much drama. We're supposed to be seeing a comedy. 1459 01:08:20,926 --> 01:08:23,558 - (stammers) - See, this is why I told you we should have gone home 1460 01:08:23,593 --> 01:08:25,397 when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing, but... 1461 01:08:27,470 --> 01:08:28,532 Wait a minute. 1462 01:08:29,567 --> 01:08:32,565 You came to see Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie? 1463 01:08:32,600 --> 01:08:34,602 You said you had to see it with me. 1464 01:08:34,637 --> 01:08:36,372 Okay, don't-don't turn this around, okay? 1465 01:08:36,408 --> 01:08:37,888 You're the one in trouble here, missy. 1466 01:08:39,277 --> 01:08:42,275 I will deal you after Bucklick. 1467 01:08:42,310 --> 01:08:44,728 Get the hell out of here before I call the manager and have you banned. 1468 01:08:44,752 --> 01:08:47,249 This is so unfair. 1469 01:08:47,284 --> 01:08:49,217 (sighs) Can you believe this? 1470 01:08:49,252 --> 01:08:51,082 I mean, it's kind of cute. 1471 01:08:52,458 --> 01:08:54,689 - Your mom looks pretty pissed. - She's pissed? 1472 01:08:54,725 --> 01:08:56,573 Well, I'm pissed too. Who does she think she is, 1473 01:08:56,597 --> 01:08:59,366 yelling at me in front of you and everybody in the theater? 1474 01:08:59,401 --> 01:09:01,869 She's the one trying to see Poltergeist 2 without me. 1475 01:09:01,905 --> 01:09:03,268 - (inhales) - What do you wanna do? 1476 01:09:03,304 --> 01:09:06,574 Have sex and get pregnant. That'll show her. 1477 01:09:06,609 --> 01:09:09,149 - If that's what you need... - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. 1478 01:09:09,173 --> 01:09:10,908 Yeah. Wait, are you sure? 1479 01:09:10,944 --> 01:09:12,912 (exhales) Let's go. 1480 01:09:12,947 --> 01:09:16,111 She treats me like I'm a baby. 1481 01:09:16,146 --> 01:09:17,944 I can't stand it. 1482 01:09:17,980 --> 01:09:20,886 Shouldn't we get you home so you don't get in trouble? 1483 01:09:20,922 --> 01:09:22,348 No, I'm already in trouble. 1484 01:09:23,285 --> 01:09:26,689 And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be grounded for the rest of my life. 1485 01:09:28,090 --> 01:09:29,090 (sighs) 1486 01:09:33,297 --> 01:09:35,126 So I might as well enjoy today. 1487 01:09:37,474 --> 01:09:38,536 Race you! 1488 01:09:39,468 --> 01:09:40,835 - (chuckles) - What? What? 1489 01:09:47,946 --> 01:09:50,218 (panting) 1490 01:09:51,120 --> 01:09:53,111 (Melody) Doesn't it feel great to run? 1491 01:09:55,386 --> 01:09:57,849 Says someone on cross country. 1492 01:09:57,884 --> 01:10:00,654 I think I'm having a heart attack. 1493 01:10:00,689 --> 01:10:03,198 (laughs) Raise your arms above your head. 1494 01:10:06,667 --> 01:10:07,667 Yeah. 1495 01:10:13,202 --> 01:10:16,409 You ever think about what you wanna be when you grow up, Brian David? 1496 01:10:18,306 --> 01:10:19,346 Sometimes. 1497 01:10:20,673 --> 01:10:22,646 What do you wanna be? 1498 01:10:24,478 --> 01:10:25,913 I wanna be a dean. 1499 01:10:27,483 --> 01:10:29,686 Like a dean at a college? 1500 01:10:31,060 --> 01:10:32,992 You wanna be the guy that's always giving 1501 01:10:33,027 --> 01:10:34,989 Animal House a hard time? 1502 01:10:35,024 --> 01:10:36,088 No. 1503 01:10:37,363 --> 01:10:39,129 I wanna be the girl that's always giving 1504 01:10:39,164 --> 01:10:40,697 Animal House a hard time. 1505 01:10:43,535 --> 01:10:46,573 I never knew anybody who wanted to be a dean. 1506 01:10:46,609 --> 01:10:47,671 That's so... 1507 01:10:49,171 --> 01:10:50,171 weird. 1508 01:10:52,012 --> 01:10:54,047 So what do you wanna do? 1509 01:10:54,082 --> 01:10:55,910 - Well... - And don't say me. 1510 01:11:01,956 --> 01:11:03,214 I wanna be a writer. 1511 01:11:04,287 --> 01:11:05,384 Well, I think. 1512 01:11:05,420 --> 01:11:07,020 I can see that. 1513 01:11:10,032 --> 01:11:11,656 I love to read the stuff you wrote 1514 01:11:11,692 --> 01:11:13,194 in my yearbook last summer. 1515 01:11:13,230 --> 01:11:14,497 (Brian chuckles) 1516 01:11:14,532 --> 01:11:16,331 - What? - You started out making fun 1517 01:11:16,367 --> 01:11:17,866 of what everybody else said. 1518 01:11:18,773 --> 01:11:20,436 You wrote... 1519 01:11:20,472 --> 01:11:22,406 - "Have a great summer." - (chuckles) 1520 01:11:22,442 --> 01:11:25,940 "See you over the summer. Summerly yours." 1521 01:11:26,908 --> 01:11:29,684 - And then I signed it "Summer." - (both laugh) 1522 01:11:29,719 --> 01:11:31,143 I was hysterical. 1523 01:11:34,551 --> 01:11:37,254 But then you filled a whole page 1524 01:11:37,289 --> 01:11:39,987 telling me how adorable I am. 1525 01:11:42,163 --> 01:11:44,761 And how I'm super nice and smart. 1526 01:11:48,496 --> 01:11:49,766 My mom read it. 1527 01:11:51,468 --> 01:11:53,066 And she said it was beautiful. 1528 01:11:56,004 --> 01:12:00,106 So, yeah, you're totally gonna be a writer someday. 1529 01:12:02,276 --> 01:12:03,276 Man. 1530 01:12:05,249 --> 01:12:06,711 I... How do you... 1531 01:12:06,747 --> 01:12:08,081 You're always so positive. 1532 01:12:09,091 --> 01:12:10,919 Not as much as I'm not negative. 1533 01:12:12,324 --> 01:12:14,720 Does anything make you sad? 1534 01:12:14,755 --> 01:12:17,090 Like, what about nuclear war? 1535 01:12:18,465 --> 01:12:20,901 If the Russians dropped the bomb on us today, 1536 01:12:20,936 --> 01:12:22,337 my mom can't ground me. 1537 01:12:24,270 --> 01:12:27,306 See, you do that. You're... 1538 01:12:27,341 --> 01:12:28,805 You're all about the silver lining. 1539 01:12:30,107 --> 01:12:31,970 Like... 1540 01:12:32,005 --> 01:12:33,843 everything went wrong for me today. 1541 01:12:34,945 --> 01:12:38,683 But then you came along and made it all better. 1542 01:12:40,022 --> 01:12:42,288 If everything went right today, 1543 01:12:42,323 --> 01:12:44,315 you and me would be watching Bucklick. 1544 01:12:46,390 --> 01:12:48,396 But this is way better. 1545 01:12:50,196 --> 01:12:51,828 Or is it almost perfect? 1546 01:12:53,867 --> 01:12:54,867 Yeah? 1547 01:12:56,232 --> 01:12:57,232 Yeah. 1548 01:13:05,142 --> 01:13:06,172 Then... 1549 01:13:09,350 --> 01:13:12,777 Will you go out with me, Melody Barnegat? 1550 01:13:12,812 --> 01:13:15,313 We are out, Brian David. 1551 01:13:16,256 --> 01:13:17,859 I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend. 1552 01:13:17,894 --> 01:13:19,691 I know what you meant. 1553 01:13:24,163 --> 01:13:25,433 But I don't know. 1554 01:13:31,435 --> 01:13:32,671 Is it 'cause I'm short? 1555 01:13:33,533 --> 01:13:35,339 Jesus. 1556 01:13:35,374 --> 01:13:37,803 Would you stop with that shit? 1557 01:13:37,838 --> 01:13:40,509 I don't think of you as short. 1558 01:13:40,544 --> 01:13:42,109 Then what do you think of me as? 1559 01:13:44,051 --> 01:13:45,618 I think of you as... 1560 01:13:48,323 --> 01:13:50,755 the most interesting guy I ever met. 1561 01:13:53,954 --> 01:13:55,793 All this stuff you talk about. 1562 01:13:57,726 --> 01:13:59,599 The way you see the world. 1563 01:14:00,762 --> 01:14:02,569 What you wrote in my yearbook. 1564 01:14:06,569 --> 01:14:07,904 You always make me think. 1565 01:14:09,877 --> 01:14:11,105 And laugh. 1566 01:14:12,513 --> 01:14:15,210 And you're like the funniest person I know. 1567 01:14:15,245 --> 01:14:16,245 Yeah? 1568 01:14:19,980 --> 01:14:21,786 The only place you come up short... 1569 01:14:22,984 --> 01:14:25,317 is in how little you know about girls. 1570 01:14:26,791 --> 01:14:29,128 Because I was gonna let you get to second base 1571 01:14:29,163 --> 01:14:30,927 in my pool last summer... 1572 01:14:32,092 --> 01:14:34,128 and then I never heard from you again. 1573 01:14:35,629 --> 01:14:36,931 Until today. 1574 01:14:36,966 --> 01:14:38,598 Yeah, but I-I've been thinking about you 1575 01:14:38,633 --> 01:14:39,901 ever since that day. 1576 01:14:39,936 --> 01:14:42,433 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1577 01:14:44,276 --> 01:14:48,516 You really expect me to believe you thought about me for an entire year? 1578 01:14:49,510 --> 01:14:51,079 Or ever? 1579 01:14:56,018 --> 01:14:57,987 Oh, my God. Are you, like, pulling it out? 1580 01:15:02,625 --> 01:15:03,960 Is that a tape recorder? 1581 01:15:05,001 --> 01:15:07,095 It's a writing thing. 1582 01:15:08,030 --> 01:15:10,404 I read that real writers use a tape recorder 1583 01:15:10,439 --> 01:15:12,705 to help them organize important thoughts. 1584 01:15:14,440 --> 01:15:15,972 Important thoughts like this. 1585 01:15:17,313 --> 01:15:19,237 - (clicks) - Beatbox Bri, take one! 1586 01:15:19,272 --> 01:15:21,106 - Um... Shit, uh... - (beatboxing on tape) 1587 01:15:21,141 --> 01:15:23,114 - Hold on, um. - (tape fast-forwards) 1588 01:15:23,150 --> 01:15:24,178 I meant this. 1589 01:15:26,721 --> 01:15:29,248 (Brian on tape) I finally called Melody Barnegat 1590 01:15:29,283 --> 01:15:32,021 and invited her out to the movies. Why... 1591 01:15:33,193 --> 01:15:34,562 you ask? (sighs) 1592 01:15:35,227 --> 01:15:36,289 One word. 1593 01:15:37,657 --> 01:15:38,665 Love. 1594 01:15:40,731 --> 01:15:42,836 I got a 24-karat case of love. 1595 01:15:42,871 --> 01:15:43,871 (clicks) 1596 01:15:50,171 --> 01:15:52,646 You're, like, the coolest girl I ever met. 1597 01:15:55,683 --> 01:15:59,477 And all I wanna do is watch movies with you. 1598 01:16:03,986 --> 01:16:06,517 I wanna watch movies with you too. 1599 01:16:10,724 --> 01:16:13,359 (both laugh) 1600 01:16:19,438 --> 01:16:22,434 (pop music playing) 1601 01:16:36,120 --> 01:16:39,550 So does this... mean we're boyfriend-girlfriend now? 1602 01:16:42,392 --> 01:16:44,732 I hope so. 1603 01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:47,731 (Brian) Because if I was ever gonna make a movie about today, 1604 01:16:47,767 --> 01:16:49,604 that's how I'd want the movie to end. 1605 01:16:50,739 --> 01:16:54,037 (Melody) Yeah? You think today could ever be a movie? 1606 01:16:55,236 --> 01:16:56,779 (Brian) As long as there are end credits, 1607 01:16:56,803 --> 01:16:58,377 and a song, 1608 01:16:58,412 --> 01:17:00,043 today could totally be a movie. 1609 01:17:03,213 --> 01:17:06,819 ("24 Karat Case of Love" by Brendan McCreary playing) 1610 01:17:10,284 --> 01:17:12,286 (Brian and Melody chattering, laughing) 1611 01:17:46,952 --> 01:17:48,256 (song ends) 1612 01:17:49,261 --> 01:17:50,489 Yes or no? 1613 01:17:51,497 --> 01:17:53,633 - I say yes. - Why? 1614 01:17:53,668 --> 01:17:55,830 Because I can tell you really wanna do it. 1615 01:17:55,865 --> 01:17:57,237 But what if I'm not good at it? 1616 01:17:57,272 --> 01:17:58,732 Then I can teach you. 1617 01:17:58,767 --> 01:18:00,103 I have experience. 1618 01:18:01,001 --> 01:18:03,411 And I'm like... a virgin. 1619 01:18:03,446 --> 01:18:04,771 - (boys laughing) - (Burny) Yeah! 1620 01:18:04,806 --> 01:18:06,178 You got that right. 1621 01:18:06,213 --> 01:18:07,577 Are we live? 1622 01:18:07,612 --> 01:18:09,745 (Burny and Belly) Yeah! 1623 01:18:09,780 --> 01:18:11,947 - Miss Melody. - Sir Burny. 1624 01:18:11,982 --> 01:18:15,114 - So, did he go in yet? - (Burny) Hmm? 1625 01:18:15,150 --> 01:18:18,082 - He's hesitating. - (boys sigh) 1626 01:18:18,117 --> 01:18:19,859 You got this. You just... 1627 01:18:19,894 --> 01:18:22,961 - You get in there and you do it. - We'll watch. 1628 01:18:22,997 --> 01:18:25,664 Well, I definitely can't do it with everybody watching me. 1629 01:18:25,699 --> 01:18:28,968 Yes, you can. You're full of BDE. 1630 01:18:29,003 --> 01:18:30,003 Hmm? 1631 01:18:31,636 --> 01:18:33,270 Brian David Energy. 1632 01:18:33,306 --> 01:18:34,537 (laughter) 1633 01:18:34,573 --> 01:18:36,767 (Burny) That's cute. 1634 01:18:36,802 --> 01:18:39,309 Come on, Bri, bubby. The sooner you get this over with, 1635 01:18:39,345 --> 01:18:41,527 the sooner we get to go to the diner where I have a pork roll, 1636 01:18:41,551 --> 01:18:43,341 egg and cheese with my name on it. Mm? 1637 01:18:43,377 --> 01:18:45,547 They can write "asshole" on a kaiser roll? 1638 01:18:45,583 --> 01:18:47,114 (Burny chuckles) 1639 01:18:47,150 --> 01:18:49,480 See, you're funny, but you're lucky, right? 1640 01:18:49,516 --> 01:18:51,688 You're lucky that I have as much respect as I do 1641 01:18:51,723 --> 01:18:53,619 for the lovely Miss Melody here. 1642 01:18:53,654 --> 01:18:56,662 Otherwise, I-I just might have to put the Grip of Death on you. 1643 01:18:56,697 --> 01:18:58,322 - Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling? - No! 1644 01:18:58,358 --> 01:18:59,966 - No. No, we're not. - We're not. 1645 01:19:00,001 --> 01:19:01,380 - No, we're not. We're not. - Nobody's wrestling, all right? 1646 01:19:01,404 --> 01:19:03,430 Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames. 1647 01:19:05,340 --> 01:19:06,840 You ready to do this? 1648 01:19:09,111 --> 01:19:10,540 I'm nervous. 1649 01:19:10,576 --> 01:19:11,842 (Burny) Jesus, Bri, 1650 01:19:11,878 --> 01:19:14,372 we're not talking about circumcision here. 1651 01:19:14,408 --> 01:19:16,915 You're just applying for a shitty job. 1652 01:19:16,951 --> 01:19:19,078 You go in there, you fill out the bullshit form, 1653 01:19:19,113 --> 01:19:21,580 you come out, we go eat. Right? 1654 01:19:24,887 --> 01:19:26,692 What do you think, babe? 1655 01:19:26,727 --> 01:19:28,719 Yeah, come on, babe. What do you think? 1656 01:19:28,754 --> 01:19:31,689 - Yeah. babe. - Mmm. Yeah, babe. What's up, babe? 1657 01:19:32,529 --> 01:19:33,801 Uh... 1658 01:19:39,306 --> 01:19:40,497 It can wait. 1659 01:19:40,532 --> 01:19:44,075 ("24 Karat Case of Love" resumes playing) 1660 01:22:43,150 --> 01:22:46,785 (saxophone solo) 1661 01:24:23,823 --> 01:24:30,229 (singer vocalizing) 1662 01:24:33,897 --> 01:24:35,531 (song fades) 1663 01:24:37,870 --> 01:24:40,866 (soft music playing) 1664 01:25:13,938 --> 01:25:15,142 (music fades) 1665 01:25:18,438 --> 01:25:20,912 (military music playing) 1666 01:25:20,947 --> 01:25:23,947 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas 1667 01:25:23,983 --> 01:25:25,949 where the movies come to... 1668 01:25:25,984 --> 01:25:27,754 (laughing) I'm sorry! 1669 01:25:27,789 --> 01:25:29,455 - Want some? - I'm okay. 1670 01:25:29,490 --> 01:25:30,447 (laughs) 1671 01:25:30,483 --> 01:25:31,758 (lighter lid closes) 1672 01:25:31,793 --> 01:25:33,259 (crew) Resetting. We're rolling. 1673 01:25:35,463 --> 01:25:38,088 - (grunts) - (imitating Brian) "Pork chops and applesauce." 1674 01:25:39,060 --> 01:25:40,060 God. 1675 01:25:41,431 --> 01:25:45,062 - (laughter) - (crew indistinct) 1676 01:25:46,170 --> 01:25:48,542 - (laughs) Ow. - Oh, sorry. 1677 01:25:48,577 --> 01:25:49,740 - No! - Ah! 1678 01:25:49,775 --> 01:25:50,806 (both yell) 1679 01:25:50,841 --> 01:25:52,245 (laughs) 1680 01:25:53,847 --> 01:25:55,105 Please suck it still. 1681 01:25:55,851 --> 01:25:58,809 You're pulling your pud in public? 1682 01:25:58,845 --> 01:26:01,082 - Can I try that one more time? - (laughs) 1683 01:26:01,117 --> 01:26:04,054 It's Major Murder! 1684 01:26:04,090 --> 01:26:05,724 - (engine sputters) - Whoa! 1685 01:26:05,759 --> 01:26:07,790 Is this thing on?! 1686 01:26:07,825 --> 01:26:11,121 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 1687 01:26:13,167 --> 01:26:15,125 (blows air with a squeak) Sorry. So sorry. 1688 01:26:15,160 --> 01:26:17,561 - (laughter) - And-and what would that be, Major? 1689 01:26:17,596 --> 01:26:18,802 (Major Murder) I forgot! 1690 01:26:18,837 --> 01:26:20,337 Yes, Virginia, 1691 01:26:20,372 --> 01:26:23,170 you'd be better off believing in Santa Claus 1692 01:26:23,206 --> 01:26:24,501 than that slam tam... 1693 01:26:24,536 --> 01:26:26,141 (speaks gibberish) 1694 01:26:26,177 --> 01:26:30,016 Because Shamwell is a sham! 1695 01:26:30,051 --> 01:26:31,809 - (huffs air) - (snort of laughter) 1696 01:26:31,845 --> 01:26:33,578 A man of few words but powerful words. 1697 01:26:33,613 --> 01:26:34,786 (Major Murder) That's enough. 1698 01:26:34,821 --> 01:26:36,883 Have fun. Don't run. 1699 01:26:38,153 --> 01:26:39,358 She's my ex. 1700 01:26:41,126 --> 01:26:43,588 Two hundred "Our Father's"! 1701 01:26:43,623 --> 01:26:46,093 A Morton's jelly donut. (scoffs) 1702 01:26:46,128 --> 01:26:48,198 Jesus Christ! 1703 01:26:48,234 --> 01:26:50,260 You like this? This is real too. 1704 01:26:50,295 --> 01:26:53,596 I got this from the President of the United States of... 1705 01:26:53,632 --> 01:26:54,938 Look at these nuts. 1706 01:26:54,973 --> 01:26:56,810 Damn it, man! Why? 1707 01:26:56,845 --> 01:26:58,170 (Astro Blaster) Back on Earth... 1708 01:26:58,206 --> 01:27:00,309 (laughter) 1709 01:27:00,345 --> 01:27:02,774 One more time. Damn it, man! Why? 1710 01:27:02,809 --> 01:27:05,610 - Did you... get it in yet? - Hmm? 1711 01:27:05,646 --> 01:27:07,052 (Melody) Mm-mm. He's hesitating. 1712 01:27:07,087 --> 01:27:08,515 - (groans) - (man) Wait, what?! 1713 01:27:08,551 --> 01:27:10,386 - (laughter) - He cut straight to it, 1714 01:27:10,422 --> 01:27:11,942 - didn't he? - (Brian) Didn't you get... 1715 01:27:13,391 --> 01:27:15,359 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1716 01:27:15,394 --> 01:27:18,491 - (Burny) Eat shit! - (laughing) Not today. 1717 01:27:18,526 --> 01:27:19,898 Who are you, Father Ka-rass? 1718 01:27:19,934 --> 01:27:21,227 Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass." 1719 01:27:21,263 --> 01:27:22,396 Karras. Blah. 1720 01:27:22,431 --> 01:27:24,404 I'm the leader of the beavers. 1721 01:27:24,440 --> 01:27:25,731 Nice. 1722 01:27:25,766 --> 01:27:28,374 - Yes, it is. - That's actually... 1723 01:27:28,410 --> 01:27:30,902 I kind of consider myself the same thing, doing what I do. 1724 01:27:30,937 --> 01:27:33,210 - Is that right? Well... - Yeah. It's pretty... 1725 01:27:33,245 --> 01:27:35,305 You got a lot of ladies here, huh? 1726 01:27:35,341 --> 01:27:36,442 No. 1727 01:27:37,412 --> 01:27:40,644 (Kevin Smith) Jesus Christ, fewer things in life could be more perfect than that. 1728 01:27:40,679 --> 01:27:42,184 Give it up for the boys! 1729 01:27:42,219 --> 01:27:45,952 (cheers and applause) 126369