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1
00:00:02,879 --> 00:00:04,463
Older Ted: Why do we fight?
2
00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:06,340
What is that thing
deep within each of us
3
00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:09,677
that compels us to settle
disagreements with our fists?
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,096
Whatever it is, it's there
right from the beginning.
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,557
Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting.
6
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,019
Becauseifs stupid and juvenile.
7
00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:20,438
We're six. We are
stupid andjuvenhe.
8
00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,983
Okay, okay.
9
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,360
Kids, I've only been
in one fight in my life,
10
00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,696
and this is the story
of how it happened.
11
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,324
Now, as you know, lhad
recently been left at the altar.
12
00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,576
And the worst thing about
getting left at the altar,
13
00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,953
I mean, aside from actually
getting left at the altar,
14
00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:37,622
was what came next.
15
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:41,375
A steady, unrelenting,
unbearable stream of pity.
16
00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:43,794
Cranberry gin and tonic.
17
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,590
Scotch and soda.
18
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,052
Thank you.
19
00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,264
Can I see a menu?
20
00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:58,768
Ted, I'm going to
go get you a menu,
21
00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:02,563
but I promise you,
I will come back.
22
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,194
Okay, we have to start
going some place else.
23
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,572
At this bar, I'm always gonna
be the guy who got left at the altar.
24
00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:12,656
That sucks!
25
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,408
Good times.
26
00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:16,911
Uh-oh. We lost Barney.
What do you mean?
27
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,247
There's a girl over there
in a tight red sweater.
28
00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:22,333
So he's not listening to a word
anyone's saying. Right, Barney?
29
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,501
Gimme a break!
30
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,879
See, he figured out a while back
he could fake an entire conversation
31
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:29,799
just by saying titles of black
sitcoms from the 705 and '805.
32
00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,092
What's happening?
33
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,804
Hey, Barney, want to go
upstairs and do stuff to me
34
00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,555
that I won't even
let Marshall do?
35
00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:38,849
Huh. Different strokes.
36
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,520
What the hell is this?
37
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,456
Older Ted: I've told you
kids about Doug, right?
38
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,107
I haven 't? Oh, well.
39
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:50,820
Doug Martin was a bartender at
maclaren's. He was always kind of around.
40
00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,280
Have you met Ted?
41
00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:54,132
No. No, no, no. We're not
playing, "have you met Ted?"
42
00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:56,409
Am I dead? Am I dead?
43
00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:57,493
Hey.
44
00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,413
Tonight, I pick up a lesbian.
45
00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:03,666
Anyway, three things you
need to know about Doug.
46
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,294
The first thing is that Doug
had a bit of a violent streak.
47
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:08,017
Crumbled, so he's
on the ground, right?
48
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,023
And we're just kicking him,
just putting the boots to him.
49
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,466
Yeah, he's making
that face, all shaking.
50
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:15,553
So, anyway, what we
did was, we left him there.
51
00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:17,680
Top you up?
52
00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:22,310
The second thing is that
he was weird about his hair.
53
00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:23,519
What?
54
00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:24,645
What?
55
00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:26,605
Are you looking at my hair?
56
00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,691
No, sir. I was not.
57
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,235
It's a toupee.
58
00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:34,280
Is that funny?
You want to laugh it up?
59
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,823
Is it funny, guy?
60
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,491
I tell you what,
why don't you grab it?
61
00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:38,935
Excuse me?
Yeah, go ahead, grab it.
62
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,245
Grab it right off my head.
Go ahead.
63
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,539
You don't want to grab it?
Come on.
64
00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,167
Come on, go ahead and grab
it. Want to grab it off my head?
65
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,961
Grab my toupee
right off my head.
66
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,760
I like you guys!
67
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,013
But the third thing is that he
was very loyal to his regulars.
68
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,015
Hey, hey! There they are!
Hey, man.
69
00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:02,308
Hey, you guys want your booth?
70
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,434
No. We're fine over here.
71
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,518
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
72
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:05,686
Maybe a little too loyal.
73
00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,646
No.no no, wsfinejfsfine
74
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:10,191
okay, you two lovebirds,
let's take this somewhere else.
75
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,901
Booth's reserved.
76
00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,652
Let's go! Now! Come on!
77
00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,738
Give me some hustle,
father! Up you get.
78
00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,448
Okay, guys, here we are.
79
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,658
So, that's Doug.
80
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:20,868
What the hell is this?
81
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,787
Oh. Some guys are
sitting in our booth.
82
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,622
But you know what? This is fine.
83
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,835
It's cool,
I'll take care of it. Okay?
84
00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,380
Oh, boy, there he goes.
85
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:33,714
Man 1: It's not...
86
00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:35,078
Man 2: Why are
you yelling at us?
87
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,301
Okay, let's go.
88
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,469
Okay, okay.
89
00:03:39,804 --> 00:03:42,264
Ladies, if you'll please
adjourn to your usual booth.
90
00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,809
Gentlemen, I will require
your assistance outside.
91
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,893
Our assistance with what?
92
00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,896
We're going to go out in
the alley and fight those guys.
93
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,439
What's happening now?
94
00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:06,455
I'm sorry, did you just say...
95
00:04:06,539 --> 00:04:09,250
Those guys are being
inconsiderate, okay?
96
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,169
So we're going to go outside
and cave in their skulls, okay?
97
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,004
This will be fun!
98
00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:17,925
He wants us to fight?
99
00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,261
Like, with our hands and stuff?
100
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,055
And feet, maybe? I don't
know what the rules are.
101
00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,850
Wow, a fight. Should
we go out there?
102
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,103
Come on, Ted. There's only
three things you'll ever see me fight.
103
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,439
The stubborn clasp of a bra,
104
00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:35,443
sexual harassment charges,
nine for nine,
105
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:40,364
and the urge to vomit when I see someone
wearing brown shoes with a black suit.
106
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,326
Marshall?
Dude, fighting is for losers.
107
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:47,329
We're civilized guys.
Civilized guys don't fight.
108
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:50,541
Unless it's with lightsabers. But
that's like three to five years away, so...
109
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,168
Well, that's not true.
110
00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,128
Robin, I'm on the
forums every day.
111
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,651
Three to five
thanksgivings from now,
112
00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:57,798
I'm gonna be carving
the Turkey with old green.
113
00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,928
No, I'm saying there are plenty of
legitimate reasons to get in a fight.
114
00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:04,305
It might not be pretty,
115
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,974
but in certain situations, you
gotta do what you gotta do.
116
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,352
Oh. Right, I forgot.
She thinks fighting's sexy.
117
00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:12,313
No, I do not, a lot.
118
00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,691
Look, I come from a
culture of hockey players.
119
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:19,653
If a guy can throw down,
it's somewhat way hot.
120
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,323
And scars, hello!
121
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:24,533
If a guy's got a scar,
he's got a Robin.
122
00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:27,828
And if he's missing teeth,
I'm missing my pants.
123
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,373
I'm missing my wisdom teeth.
124
00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:35,002
Outpatient procedure.
Local anesthesia.
125
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,046
Whatever. It ain't a thing.
126
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,108
Look, maybe we
should go out there.
127
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:43,135
I can't believe we're even
having this discussion.
128
00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,803
Ted, you're 30.
129
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,805
You're too old to act like this.
130
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:50,142
Older Ted: I was 30, and in
those 30 years I'd been punched once.
131
00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,770
There's a very simple...
132
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,438
There was that thing at camp.
133
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,525
Today, we're going to
braid friendship bracelets.
134
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,819
In college,
I studied some kung fu.
135
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,619
And, well,
there was some other stuff
136
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,455
Come on. Come...
137
00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,702
The thing with the goat
wasn't for another few months.
138
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,753
The point is, lhad
never been in a fight.
139
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,880
I'm going out there. No!
140
00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,716
Listen to me, please, trust
me. I've been in plenty of fights.
141
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,052
It's really
nothing to be proud of.
142
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,179
Who did you get in a fight with?
143
00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:28,264
My brothers.
144
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:33,852
Yes, I'm sure that was quite a
rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room.
145
00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:36,772
I love brotherly horseplay!
146
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,691
Here comes the tickle monster!
147
00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,484
Noogie patrol!
148
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,988
Wait, wait, wait!
Timesies! Timesies!
149
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:46,031
Cocoa break.
150
00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:51,161
Cocoa break.
151
00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,540
Okay, it's clobbering time.
152
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,459
Ted, don't do this,
you're a nice guy.
153
00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:58,711
That's your best quality.
154
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,004
Is it?
155
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,649
'Cause I seem to remember this
nice guy getting dumped by his fiancee
156
00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:06,552
for a tae Kwon do instructor.
Look, this may sound crazy,
157
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,012
but I think I need to do this.
158
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,931
I think this is an
experience I need to have.
159
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,516
I'm going.
160
00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:17,521
Me, too!
161
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,651
Guys, take a good
look at this face,
162
00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:24,004
because the
next time you see it,
163
00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:27,948
it will be disfigured in
the hottest possible way.
164
00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,534
'Cause that's
who I am, I'm a man.
165
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,413
I like to fight and mix
it up and get all dirty.
166
00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:38,459
Could you find a
wood hanger for this?
167
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:43,756
Whoa! What happened here?
168
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,090
I know, right?
169
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,134
Who's not looking
at my toupee now?
170
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,136
Look what we did to these guys.
171
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,763
We? Yeah, we.
172
00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:54,558
Come on, man, we're a good
team. Nice work, boys, we did it!
173
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,311
No, no, you did it.
We didn't do anything.
174
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,688
Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure,
175
00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,815
I just beat up
three guys by myself.
176
00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,442
You guys. That's good.
177
00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:07,571
You and you,
free drinks for life.
178
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,370
He thinks we were in
this fight with him.
179
00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:17,039
We were in this fight with him.
180
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,249
And now we are going to
go in there and tell everyone
181
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,503
the legendary tale of how
we beat up some guys.
182
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,147
And everyone is
going to think it's great
183
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,006
and everyone is going
to sleep with me again.
184
00:08:26,090 --> 00:08:29,343
Dude, come on, no one is gonna
believe we were in a fight, look at us.
185
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,969
That's a good...
186
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,389
What are you doing?
187
00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:35,057
What I should've done
a long time ago.
188
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,141
What?
189
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,619
I don't know. I just
hit myself in the eye!
190
00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,963
I don't even know
what I'm saying!
191
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,023
I throw an awesome
right hook, by the way.
192
00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:44,900
Okay, are you ready?
To go back in?
193
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,026
No, for this.
194
00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:50,823
You just punched me in the nose!
195
00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,783
Are you crying? Yes, I'm crying!
196
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,160
You just punched me in the nose.
197
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:56,638
Oh, that's going to
swell up real good.
198
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:57,889
You're gonna look
like Owen Wilson.
199
00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,015
Okay, let's get back in there.
200
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,875
Okay, but just, let's
play this down, okay?
201
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,561
I don't want
this to turn into a big thing.
202
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,129
Yeah.
203
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,507
Doug: And Ted comes and takes
his shoe off! Hits him in the mouth...
204
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,801
Hey, there they are!
The guys that got my back!
205
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,401
You two got in a fight. Really?
206
00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695
No, Barney punched me
and himself in the face
207
00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,131
to make it look like
we got in a fight.
208
00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:32,906
Come on, Marshall.
209
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,076
Wow. Look at your eye.
210
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,036
You look like a badass.
211
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,581
I'm surprised to
see you had it in me.
212
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,583
You. Had it in you.
213
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,962
Do you want to touch it?
214
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,177
Oh, my god, it's warm.
215
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,555
Hey, victory drinks.
216
00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:01,727
Free! Free! Free! Free!
217
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:03,020
$7.50.
218
00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,397
Why do I have to pay?
219
00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:08,901
'Cause you don't got my
back. These guys got my back.
220
00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,024
Okay, you know what, Doug?
221
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,468
I will gladly pay.
And you know why?
222
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,113
Because that's what grownups do.
223
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,908
They pay for their drinks
and they don't get into fights.
224
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,261
You know what I was doing while
you were out there being immature?
225
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,204
Phtehyou what I
was doing. Your nails?
226
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,623
No. I was doing...
227
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:25,125
The relationship quiz
in this month's cosmo?
228
00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,502
No. I was doing...
229
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,837
Your best not to cry when
big came back for Carrie
230
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,356
at the end of the sex
and the city movie?
231
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,925
No. Spoilers much? No.
232
00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,301
I'll tell you
what I was doing...
233
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,803
The captain of
the football team,
234
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,197
because he gave
you his promise ring
235
00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:40,224
and you looked so pretty in your
open-back homecoming dress?
236
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,144
Sorry.
237
00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,314
I hate those guys.
238
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,566
Acting like they're the
manliest guys in the universe,
239
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,653
like they're crocodile
dundee and David Hasselhoff.
240
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:55,239
Those are the manliest
guys in the universe?
241
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,217
I don't understand why
they're getting all this attention.
242
00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:59,827
I mean, I'm the real hero here.
243
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:00,994
Yeah, you are.
244
00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,081
I'm serious, woman.
Put it back in your pants.
245
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:09,002
Marshall, you're the man every
boy should grow up to become
246
00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,255
and every girl should marry.
247
00:11:12,256 --> 00:11:14,174
You know what? I have two kids
248
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,009
in my class who
won't stop fighting.
249
00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,804
If you come to school
tomorrow and tell them your story
250
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,931
of choosing the
path of nonviolence,
251
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,016
it might really
set them straight.
252
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,645
And save me having to get
up early to make a lesson plan.
253
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:30,732
All right. Okay.
I'll set them straight.
254
00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,234
You're a wuss.
255
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,777
What? No.
256
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,990
Mahatma panda and Martin Luther
koala are telling you kids this story
257
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:41,159
to illustrate... to illustrate
that you're a wuss?
258
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:43,495
Why didn't you just
fight those guys?
259
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:45,789
Were you scared? What?
260
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:49,751
No. I wasn't scared.
261
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:51,670
I've been in plenty
of fights, okay?
262
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,046
You're huge.
263
00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:56,091
You must weigh
like a thousand pounds.
264
00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:00,846
Okay, first of all, I'm
wearing a baggy sweater,
265
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,223
andithas horizontal stripes.
266
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,225
And I also...
I had a salty lunch...
267
00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,519
And so I'm retain...
You know what? Shut up!
268
00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,146
Wuss! Wuss! Wuss!
269
00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:19,323
Wow. So, you just
beat those guys up?
270
00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:20,824
Just?
271
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:26,580
Amanda, were it so simple.
You see, hand-to-hand combat
272
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,416
is about so much more than
just administering brute force
273
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,579
on your opponent, right, b?
274
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:31,919
You know!
275
00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,545
It's a science.
276
00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,465
The sweet science, as it were.
277
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,799
Wait, I'm confused.
278
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,801
What did those
guys do to deserve it?
279
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,554
Well, this may sound petty,
280
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,891
but they sat in our booth.
They sat in our booth.
281
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,559
And nobody... nobody.
282
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:51,146
Sits in our booth.
It's been taken.
283
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,943
Uh-oh. Are you gonna
beat those guys up?
284
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,367
Yes, we are gonna beat
those guys up. Ted, come on.
285
00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:10,332
You two. Our
booth. Get out. Now!
286
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,542
What are you doing?
Relax, we got Doug.
287
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,671
Big Doug's got our backs.
Doug's not here tonight.
288
00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,464
Can I get you guys
anything? Drinks?
289
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,466
Cash? Those two
girls over there?
290
00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,551
Are you Ted mosby?
291
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:23,595
Yeah, I am.
292
00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,389
And you're Barney Stinson?
293
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,141
They've heard of us.
It's cool, guys.
294
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,520
We'll let you leave
with your asses unkicked.
295
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,064
This time. A'ight?
296
00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,819
What's this? You've been served.
297
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,445
You're being sued for assault.
298
00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,698
Enjoy your booth.
299
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,414
That was close.
300
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:57,129
Assault! They're
suing us for assault!
301
00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:59,548
Okay, what's the
penalty for assault?
302
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:01,091
What, do I have to pay a fine?
303
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:05,387
Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause
I've done that before, know what I mean?
304
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,680
I don't know.
305
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,075
Older Ted: Actually, he did
know that the worst we were looking at
306
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,227
was a small civil settlement
and probably no criminal charges.
307
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,854
But he was really pissed at us.
308
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:17,024
I mean, you guys could be
looking at some serious prison time.
309
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,401
Pflson? I can't go to prison.
310
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,737
I mean, I could get
a lot of reading done,
311
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,739
finally write
some short stories.
312
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,866
Work out all the time.
Seriously, if I don't
313
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,260
come out of there
completely ripped...
314
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,953
Ted, we can't go to prison.
315
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,913
People get shivved in the joint.
316
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,751
Plus, the meals
are really starchy.
317
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,544
Well, you guys should
have thought of that
318
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,629
before you beat up those guys.
319
00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,258
What if we didn't?
320
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,135
Didn't what, Ted?
Didn't beat up those guys.
321
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,780
What if Doug beat up those guys all
by himself and we didn't do anything?
322
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:51,224
I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!
323
00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:53,477
You guys didn't
throw a single punch.
324
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,021
Well, I hit Ted
and myself, so...
325
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,315
Well, who's the wuss now?
326
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,317
Answer? You guys.
327
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,235
Look, can you just
help us get out of this?
328
00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:03,570
You know the old expression,
329
00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,740
"if you're not prepared to do the
time don't pretend to do the crime
330
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,285
"and laugh and get free drinks
and not stand up for your friend
331
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:13,997
"who, incidentally, has been in
plenty of fights with his brothers."
332
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,585
Look, you've got to
help us out, Marshall.
333
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,379
We're the three musketeers.
Yeah.
334
00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:24,633
If I give up Ted, how
much time am I looking at?
335
00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,301
Hey. Hey, guys.
336
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,511
Hey.
337
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:30,972
Hey, Barney.
I've been looking for you.
338
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,267
I got tickets to this
hockey game tonight.
339
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,645
It's stupid. You want to go?
340
00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:39,731
It might go kind of late, so maybe
after the game we can grab a drink?
341
00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:43,110
Oh, hey, Robin, get
this. You know that fight?
342
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,363
These guys
faked the whole thing.
343
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,036
Oh. Oh.
344
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,413
I forgot. Tonight is no good.
345
00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:59,126
I can't go to that hockey
game tonight, I got that...
346
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,381
That... that...
347
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,801
That_
348
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:13,056
That... that...
349
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,522
Good news. I talked to the guys.
350
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,732
What guys?
The guys you didn't beat up.
351
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,109
They agreed to drop the lawsuit.
352
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,277
Boom!
353
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,528
Lawyered.
354
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:27,771
What? They agreed to drop it?
355
00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:31,032
Yeah, I just explained
that you two are wusses.
356
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,827
We had a good laugh about
that. A good long laugh, actually.
357
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:37,038
I explained how you get
a mani-pedi once a month.
358
00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:39,666
Weekly, Wolverine.
Some of us care.
359
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:42,544
And how you played
the hammer dulcimer
360
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,297
in the pre-reformation
dance society at wesleyan.
361
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,175
Did you at least tell them we
were one of the premier medieval
362
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,010
chamber groups
in the little ivies?
363
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:51,178
Oh, I did.
364
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,888
And we all agreed it
was much more likely
365
00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:54,365
that one guy beat
up the three of them
366
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,809
than that you two had
anything to do with it, so...
367
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,854
Wait, so now they're
only suing Doug?
368
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,522
Affirmative.
369
00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:06,193
Angry, irrational, violent Doug,
370
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,988
who now knows we were the
ones who threw him under the bus.
371
00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:11,364
They what?
372
00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,075
Look, Doug, we can explain...
373
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,660
Explain what?
374
00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:18,705
Explain how you stabbed me
in the back right to my face?
375
00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,290
Robin, I'm scared.
376
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,958
Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone?
377
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,628
Are you seeing anyone?
You really should.
378
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,755
Doug, look,
you don't understand,
379
00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:29,174
you beat up those
guys all by yourself.
380
00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,509
It's true, all right? They
had nothing to do with it.
381
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,304
I mean, look at these two.
382
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,807
It was all Ted!
383
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,603
Look at this guy.
Yeah, look at me.
384
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,730
He wouldn't last
five minutes in a fight.
385
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,041
I think I could
last at least five...
386
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,525
He's got the muscle
definition of iinguini.
387
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:51,321
Yeah, iinguini
with meatballs, maybe. Check it.
388
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,781
Ted.ted.
389
00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:54,324
Look! Don't.
390
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,452
Okay, you know what?
Maybe it was just me.
391
00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:58,930
Actually, you know what?
That makes a lot of sense.
392
00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:00,080
I tend to black out a lot.
393
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:03,041
Anyway, look, I
always got your back.
394
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,585
All I ask in return
is that you got mine.
395
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:08,004
But you know what? You don't.
396
00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,758
You can't be counted on.
397
00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,469
No wonder your fiancee left you.
398
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:15,738
Older Ted: And here it is, kids,
399
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,889
the only fight
I've ever been in.
400
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,809
So what can I share
about the experience?
401
00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:26,523
Well, for starters, when you
punch someone in the face,
402
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,859
it hurts your hand a lot.
403
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,614
But what hurts
even more than that?
404
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,157
This.
405
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,245
And the next thing
I remember was waking up.
406
00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:43,581
Okay, I'm all warmed
up. Let's do this thing.
407
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:47,836
Ted: Turns out getting in
a fight was a terrible idea.
408
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:51,548
And that's my story.
And what did you learn?
409
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:56,052
Well, I learned
that fighting is bad
410
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,221
and you shouldn't do it, ever.
411
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,724
Any questions?
412
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:01,850
Yeah.
413
00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:04,060
Where do you find these people?
414
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,312
I know!
415
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,647
Was there a big sale
at the wuss market?
416
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:09,816
Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss!
Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss!
417
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:13,414
Older Ted: Of course, I didn't
tell those kids what really happened.
418
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,615
Okay, I'm all warmed
up. Let's do this thing.
419
00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,328
What happened?
420
00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:22,579
This happened.
421
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,209
Holy crap!
422
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,771
Older Ted: Yeah, turns out
uncle Marshall and his brothers
423
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,315
did a little more
than just roughhouse.
424
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,764
Cocoa break!
425
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,192
Marshall looks good.
Has he lost weight?
426
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,651
Bitch, don't even...
427
00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,256
Older Ted: Kids, I'd love
to leave you with the message
428
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:01,034
that fighting is bad and you shouldn't
do it, but I know that's pointless.
429
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,619
So, I'll leave you with this.
430
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,205
Don't ever get in a
fight with uncle Marshall.
431
00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,332
That guy's freaking crazy.
432
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,714
It is so good to be home.
433
00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,550
Mom, Lily, fantasticjob.
434
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:20,136
Good food, good meat,
good god, let's eat. Right?
435
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,472
Okay, here we go. Goggles on.
436
00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,563
All right, so, you
guys pass the plates.
437
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,565
Lily, you want
white or dark meat?
438
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,151
Dark! Honey, please be careful.
32895
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