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What can I say that I haven't already said or that...
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I really want you to finish this work, to get rid of this.
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Why, dad?
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Because your mother never managed to get rid of it.
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And There you go.
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And I think that...
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Basically, I think your future is not here, it is elsewhere.
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And that you drag boxes that you don't necessarily need to drag around.
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Well, that your mother carried this around her whole life, and that's what drove her crazy.
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And I think your future, your strength,
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your energy is elsewhere.
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She is with your children, she is in your work,
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she is with people who are around you.
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She's not in a desperate attempt to understand something
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which is incomprehensible, because it is absurd.
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Toilet.
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I'm mostly working at the moment
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around what I call my genesis, that is to say before me.
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You must have been twenty months old...
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You wrote.
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I'm going to say... Since you know...
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Your latest book only talks about your own mother, who also wrote.
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Wait, what year do you think it is?
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53.
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It was 53, in fact.
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She’s still an incredible character, isn’t she, my mother?
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For this book, you recorded your conversations on these dictaphones
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with the surviving witnesses of your childhood.
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You read all of your mother's correspondence.
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You sorted through thousands of photos accumulated in the crates.
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You read his notebooks.
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You copied all of the notes she had written
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on the small diaries kept in this suitcase.
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You archived everything,
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your writings and those of your mother, your notebooks, your manuscripts,
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the enigma of your faces
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and your voice.
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- Good morning. - Good morning.
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Come in.
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Do you want a tea, a glass of water, something?
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No, it's OK, I have what I need.
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Uh...
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It was his office.
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SO...
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These are his jeans, his T-shirt.
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I took a cardigan with her scarf,
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her matching handbag.
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There you have his agenda,
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passport, identity document, Vitale card.
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I have two pairs of glasses.
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I don't know, you tell me which one you prefer.
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I bought brown lenses, as you have blue eyes.
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She had brown eyes.
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Her perfume.
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There, then, his watch and rings.
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She wore this necklace all the time.
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The wig.
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There's a mirror there, if you want...
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change you.
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I would like your shoes.
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- Eh? - Your shoes.
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"My mother left me a riddle.
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"The story of our relationship."
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You are doing exactly what she already did,
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investigate your mother.
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My grandmother also wrote a book about her own mother.
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After the death of her mother, Carole Achache kept a suitcase
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into which the diaries were thrown pell-mell
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on which she noted
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his appointments and a few sentences reflecting his moods
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as well as photos of a lifetime.
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A life essentially devoted to books and those who write them.
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Monique Lange worked at Gallimard since the 1950s
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by climbing all the ranks, daring one day to start writing.
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I remember this office
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who whispered a little that I was useless but funny.
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At that time, it was extraordinary.
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It was the 50s.
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We ate in the canteen, we all pushed each other to be next to Camus.
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I knew Genet, who had a profound impact on my life.
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I knew Marguerite Duras, I knew Violette Leduc.
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It was a very, very great time.
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Carole Achache, who became a photographer,
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started writing about his family
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and its secrets in 2008, with La Plage de Trouville,
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through the story of a painting stolen by the Nazis from his grandmother's house
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during the Occupation.
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Today, she publishes with Stock Fille de,
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a book that speaks with tenderness and violence about his mother,
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and the life she led with her.
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A life where she had the extraordinary chance to meet
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artists, intellectuals and writers.
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A life where she had the misfortune of not being able to be just a child
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protected, listened to, consoled.
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A life where a strange silence settles in the middle of the incessant
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and fascinating conversations of overly brilliant adults.
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At the same time, I first want to transpose this kind of brilliant moment.
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- Yes. - Awesome!
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- Yes. - Of this...
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There is the whole personal aspect which can be fascinating...
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Sad.
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- Sad and exciting. - Yeah.
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For a reader, it is fascinating.
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She's still an incredible character, my mother.
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He's an incredible character...
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Listen, the credits, if it were a film...
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At times it's a film, but hey,
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let's forget about cinema, completely.
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The credits of this book are incredible,
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the cast is incredible.
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With, in order of appearance in this manuscript,
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Monique Lange, Dionys Mascolo,
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Jean Genet...
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We should not rule out the possibility
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that I have a particular weakness for the book
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because of the kindness of the portrait you paint of me.
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Growing up where you grew up, having a mother like yours,
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- it was already a certain chance.
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And what luck! It was the 50s in Paris,
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what Monique Lange was to the right bank,
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Marguerite Duras, whom she knew very well, was on the left bank.
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We were 25 years old,
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it was Saint-Germain-des-Prés.
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This is where everything decisive that happened
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in our youth, in our feelings,
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in our beliefs, in our madness...
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We went crazy about communism, we said that the people
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had the right to decide what his fight would be.
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As per usual,
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we haven't written about it.
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We don't write about happiness.
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in a violent way in the war and they rushed.
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- It's still, I think... - Action.
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That was it, that time,
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Carole Achache,
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politics, literature,
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discussions at night
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while drinking, smoking,
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and the children had to fend for themselves.
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Yes. It was obvious to my mother
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or for Duras,
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that we take advantage of this kind of...
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happiness,
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as Duras says, and passion.
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And then, we must also think that,
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at the end of the war, in this environment,
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there was this desire for freedom
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which was crazy and necessary.
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A lot of... A lot of people turned
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- the back violently...
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- ...to the war and they went for it. - To the war and they rushed.
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I consider that they are a lot...
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- freer than we were in 1968. - Ah, damn.
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I've never done anything so hard in my life
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And There you go. "But..."
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"But crazy and necessary" is good.
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I consider that they are much freer
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that we were in 1968 because we were much more courageous.
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Children, we had to make the most of it.
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But we also had to adapt.
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What meant to a child
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not to have a child's life,
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already have a life as a little adult very early.
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I couldn't have known.
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I didn't know what another child's life was like.
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It’s true that I was very lucky
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because it’s a wonderful food.
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So we cannot consider
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that early knowledge
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is something harmful,
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but actually,
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the game, GAME, was not very present at home.
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And you very early on had to face
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what often happens is the departure of the father.
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Here I am full of good advice, as knowledgeable as anyone
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and nicely embarrassed to have to write you this letter.
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I beg you, having read it, destroy it.
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More and more obsessed with what you know,
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I didn't hold back from talking about it to a doctor whom I respect very much.
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Don't blame me but all this is throwing me into such a big hole.
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Little 1, why wait two months?
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It may very well be that you cannot hide the thing within yourself for long.
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Little 2, there are ways to avoid going through Switzerland.
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You would be there to try the thing, without inconvenience, I imagine.
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But you all alone, so far from me?
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I feel more and more like we are two children.
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If you saw the face I'm making here.
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Little A, or you come to Alsace near me,
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I would be more reassured, we will see.
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Little B, or if you think you can do it,
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You will use the process that is indicated to me.
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The main thing seems to me to be to avoid surgical intervention.
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which, even in Switzerland, has what it takes
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scare me.
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If you knew someone who could give you these injections,
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it appears that they are extremely effective.
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In the meantime, walk, run, do not lie down, etc.
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Until, etc.
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It's Benzo-Gynoestryl number 5.
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Two ampoules in a syringe per day in four days.
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Intramuscular injection in the buttock.
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Four pricks of two blisters each time. On the ninth day,
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it must come, but if it is insufficient, start again,
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because without trouble, without curettage.
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There you go, decide.
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My poor darling, I am confused, disgusting, humiliated, forgive me.
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I'm really panicked, answer me quickly.
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I would like us to have a month of calm.
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A month during which I will make amends for this letter.
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Jean-Jacques.
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Destroy this letter.
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Little C. How long have you been waiting for your last seasons?
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Little D.
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I love you.
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The surrogate father was a Spaniard.
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His name was Juan Goytisolo,
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he was an anti-Francoist Spanish refugee, politically engaged,
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- writer.
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Should I remind you of the story?
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It's the story of a young girl who is very in love.
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of a man who doesn't love her.
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And it's only at the end of the book that she discovers that
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the reason he doesn't like her is because he's gay.
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It's been about a year
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that I started hanging out with Arabs.
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It only took me a few weeks to realize the facts.
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I regained my balance and moved closer to you.
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But also I discovered
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that I was totally,
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definitely, irremediably homosexual.
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Since that date, you will have observed that our relations have improved.
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Although differently, I began to love you more than before
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and I achieved a kind of happiness that I had never known before.
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I felt serene,
277
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,040
happy to share life with you,
278
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:07,520
to have you and Carole next to me.
279
00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:13,320
Today, I am at an impasse.
280
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,560
281
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:17,520
I can't offer you anything, promise you anything.
282
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,560
I fear your reaction
283
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,360
and secretly, I desire her.
284
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,600
285
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:32,320
I know that I am destroying my happiness to be near you, which is so strong.
286
00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,840
I'm afraid of living without you.
287
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,320
There is your face, your capacity for love,
288
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:42,560
your eyes, your tenderness.
289
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:45,760
I have never been closer to anyone.
290
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:50,240
I have never gone so far in love as with you.
291
00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:57,120
From now on, the success or failure of our relationship
292
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,920
depended on our desire to stay together.
293
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,800
The illusion of forming a normal couple had been wrecked
294
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:07,960
and we had to take up the challenge of creating something new.
295
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,600
But the love, the understanding, the mutual respect that we possessed
296
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:16,800
would it be enough to maintain the strength of the bonds that we considered essential?
297
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,040
298
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,880
299
00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:31,080
My question is why... Why do gays
300
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,360
from my mother?
301
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,440
Toi, Genet? Et Juan!
302
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:38,080
I don't know where his taste comes from
303
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,680
for gays, I don't know.
304
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,240
It's inexplicable,
305
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,840
if not a great masochism.
306
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:49,800
But he’s a very moving person.
307
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,760
I think she had a difficult life.
308
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:57,960
Fortunately, she had a kind of fantasy...
309
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:03,040
distance. He is someone who has had a difficult life.
310
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:05,080
She was tragic.
311
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,480
She was tragic.
312
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,080
Yes, that’s it. That is what I am saying.
313
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,440
But, I think that, deep down,
314
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:15,720
she was very good at Gallimard,
315
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,080
because it was placed there,
316
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:19,920
next to people
317
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,400
which were totally, but then...
318
00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:23,680
319
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,200
more than tragic!
320
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:28,880
And deep down she was in the middle,
321
00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:32,120
she was not isolated.
322
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:33,440
Mmh.
323
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,000
324
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,040
I'm going to reread it once.
325
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,800
326
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,920
She says she was frigid...
327
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:54,560
Before my father.
328
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:56,240
Yes, well, eh...
329
00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,040
330
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,080
So things were better with my father.
331
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:04,560
And then very quickly...
332
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,760
333
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,320
very quickly she was deceived.
334
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:14,320
And it's a text that she wrote after her operation.
335
00:28:14,480 --> 00:28:15,920
I finally understood,
336
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,560
not the pathology she had...
337
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,040
- Her uterus was removed. - Her uterus was removed.
338
00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,760
339
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:24,640
So exactly,
340
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,120
I asked a doctor, because...
341
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:31,600
It was an incoherent name that she said.
342
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:33,880
No, no, no, no, it was some kind of...
343
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,480
She talks about necrobiosis.
344
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:40,600
And...
345
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:45,520
The text is terrible because she says: "Finally, I lost my uterus..."
346
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,200
"Finally, I lost my uterus,
347
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,760
"even if it's not the sexual organ, finally...
348
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,840
"Because, for lack of having used it...
349
00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,040
"And it took me a week to get over it,
350
00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:00,600
"Luckily I had…"
351
00:29:00,760 --> 00:29:03,000
352
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,520
And it looks so much like...
353
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,520
354
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:10,400
To this... suicide... - Suicide...
355
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:11,880
- Corporal... - Corporal...
356
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:12,920
Yes, absolutely.
357
00:29:13,080 --> 00:29:14,400
- Which she got. - Which she had.
358
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,000
I always had the impression
359
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,120
that there was something
360
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:19,200
which was not resolved.
361
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:20,960
It’s incredible.
362
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,760
363
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:36,000
There are letters from my adolescence that she retyped on a typewriter.
364
00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,440
That means she was going through my stuff.
365
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:39,840
I don't like that very much.
366
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:43,800
No, but there is... It's sexuality by proxy.
367
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,320
But the more we think about,
368
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,960
I don’t know, Monique’s trajectory,
369
00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:50,880
the more we are obliged to say to ourselves
370
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:52,600
that sexuality
371
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,560
had importance and consequences...
372
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:58,320
- Well, especially with me! - ...terrible.
373
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:01,200
Nah, I mean, this kind of fusional being that we...
374
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:02,320
Completely.
375
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:05,320
376
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,520
She thinks I'm great, I can tell.
377
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,200
There is this passion for me in my mother's eyes,
378
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:54,800
whatever the day, the second.
379
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:58,400
Even from behind when I walk in front, it's an acid burn.
380
00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,600
Rue Montorgueil, on Sundays she sells L’Humanité,
381
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:04,200
the front page of a newspaper facing passers-by,
382
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,480
I am sitting near her on the step of a building entrance
383
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,400
and I receive his happiness like a shower of glitter.
384
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,320
She's crazy about me, I'm drunk.
385
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:15,800
During big dinners on Rue Poissonnière,
386
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:17,640
pressed against each other,
387
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,640
always this look from my mother that I feel resting on me,
388
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,760
intermittently, from the other end of the table.
389
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,680
Even without looking at her, I feel proud.
390
00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:28,960
My seriousness, my seriousness.
391
00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:32,800
And my mother's smile. And his happiness again.
392
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:34,760
I am exceptional.
393
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:40,680
One Thursday, my mother notes: "Carole’s definition of cockroach:
394
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,880
"A little long sadness if we don’t control it."
395
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:45,920
396
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,120
397
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:57,440
398
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:13,760
Which gave me a little freshness,
399
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,840
It’s insecurity.
400
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,640
Genet invites me to lunch alone near his hotel.
401
00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:35,760
I am proud. Monica too.
402
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,120
She's so happy that he's interested in me.
403
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,960
We are the two people she loves most in the world,
404
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:44,160
even Juan doesn't have that place.
405
00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:47,920
Hanging out with Genet is the best thing that could happen to me at the moment.
406
00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:51,840
I can only benefit from its uniqueness.
407
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,160
She thinks it's wonderful.
408
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:55,960
It's an incredible opportunity.
409
00:32:56,720 --> 00:33:00,440
And it's true, I feel that he enjoys discovering me.
410
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:02,280
He laughs with me.
411
00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:05,080
It gives me an unusual way of thinking.
412
00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:09,800
It helps me to confirm my revolt and not to be like the others...
413
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:12,640
He is joyful in my presence.
414
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,000
I have gifts that Monique doesn't have.
415
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:16,640
I give him back the taste for living.
416
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:18,680
I'm much funnier than her.
417
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,960
There are childish moments in him as childish as mine.
418
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:23,920
We are capable
419
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,640
to return a menu to the front of a restaurant
420
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:32,880
or empty a salt shaker into a vase.
421
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,160
I even have a story with her lover at the time, Jacky.
422
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,160
I stop by Genet before leaving.
423
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:40,600
He still hasn't moved.
424
00:33:41,080 --> 00:33:43,160
He smokes sitting in the center of the bed.
425
00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,120
I'm going to take a sip of water straight from the tap,
426
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:48,160
in the bathroom, right behind him.
427
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:51,000
I don't light it, I keep the door open.
428
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,240
I get a stab in the back.
429
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,920
"It seems that you suck badly, according to Jacky, and that you bite.
430
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,240
"I’m doing better."
431
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:05,800
Sitting on his bed, a cigar in his hand, in striped pajamas,
432
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,520
he tells me that I will never be able to make him hard.
433
00:34:09,679 --> 00:34:11,199
Me, yes.
434
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,320
I'm sure yes.
435
00:34:14,199 --> 00:34:15,600
He doesn't give up.
436
00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:18,639
"Yes. Tss, tss. But yes. Try."
437
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:20,120
He wakes up
438
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:24,120
and remains standing, exquisitely freezing.
439
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:28,360
I touch his testicles, under the pants, without zipper.
440
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,320
"See, I was right, no woman can."
441
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:34,520
Are you Monique's only daughter?
442
00:34:34,679 --> 00:34:36,480
Yes. Yeah yeah.
443
00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:37,880
It's incredible, though.
444
00:34:38,040 --> 00:34:38,800
Why?
445
00:34:39,239 --> 00:34:40,920
No, when you have an only daughter,
446
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:42,320
I don't know, we...
447
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:48,159
It's rare that it establishes slightly strange connections...
448
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:49,520
Why "weird"?
449
00:34:49,679 --> 00:34:53,760
There were two people in the world that she adored more than anything,
450
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:55,480
It was me and Jean.
451
00:34:55,639 --> 00:34:56,560
That's it.
452
00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,720
So for her, that I...
453
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,160
can be elected by Jean...
454
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:07,160
Because when I was eleven, we were talking in his hotel,
455
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:10,240
I skipped classes, it's true that...
456
00:35:10,800 --> 00:35:12,760
457
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:16,560
I was lucky to have wonderful discussions with him.
458
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,920
But very quickly, he played on me.
459
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:20,840
He challenged me.
460
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,000
"You can't do that..."
461
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,720
And so a little kid who has a slightly soft brain,
462
00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:30,000
it is easily manipulated.
463
00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:31,960
464
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:35,160
I haven't yet managed to decipher all the letters
465
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,840
that you sent to my mother because your handwriting is terrible!
466
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:39,840
Thank you.
467
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:41,600
468
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:45,200
But you warned my mother
469
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,160
Many times
470
00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,360
that Genet was dangerous.
471
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:51,760
472
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:54,800
No, he was crazy! He was crazy.
473
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:56,520
A pervert...
474
00:35:57,920 --> 00:35:59,480
Do you know he hurt me?
475
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:00,800
Genet hurt me.
476
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,000
- Oh right? - Yeah.
477
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:05,760
That's why I'm asking these questions.
478
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:06,760
Ah!
479
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:08,640
480
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:12,160
But unfortunately, it's someone I don't know
481
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:14,240
because your mom was...
482
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:17,600
possessed by him.
483
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:18,840
Yeah.
484
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:23,760
But the more people hurt her, the more she loved people.
485
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,800
So what do you want!
486
00:36:25,960 --> 00:36:28,320
She was served by Genet!
487
00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:30,880
More than served...
488
00:36:31,040 --> 00:36:32,960
489
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:35,640
And...
490
00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:37,320
But she sacrificed herself!
491
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,240
She sacrificed herself!
492
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,640
But she loved it...
493
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:45,400
All the people she knew, it was the opportunity
494
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:46,920
to sacrifice for them.
495
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,360
To be their victim!
496
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:53,160
Not that people abuse it, but...
497
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,080
she presented herself as a victim, so...
498
00:36:56,240 --> 00:36:59,160
We took advantage of it!
499
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:01,720
She was submissive to those she loved.
500
00:37:01,880 --> 00:37:02,960
Totally.
501
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:05,680
And so, it was...
502
00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,680
It was wonderful
503
00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:09,480
504
00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,560
505
00:37:12,720 --> 00:37:14,840
506
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,560
507
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:22,480
And at the same time very childish,
508
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:25,120
his round face, his bursts of laughter.
509
00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,520
510
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,960
It’s all Genet’s ambiguity,
511
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:39,160
that is to say, it is a being
512
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:43,480
completely luminous and at the same time very childish.
513
00:37:43,640 --> 00:37:46,400
His round face, his bursts of laughter.
514
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,560
Yes, he hated women.
515
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:54,600
At the time I saw him a lot, I was quite young,
516
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:58,000
I was eleven, twelve years old, so I was still androgynous.
517
00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:01,960
And I think he liked me too because I seem moody,
518
00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:03,280
a little Arab,
519
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:07,720
and maybe it reminded him of Abdallah, the tightrope walker,
520
00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:10,640
who had committed suicide at that time.
521
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:12,360
522
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:28,280
523
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,200
But Abdallah is such an intimate part of my life
524
00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:34,960
that I prefer not to talk about it on camera.
525
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:36,880
526
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,040
I will never forget Abdallah,
527
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,680
the tightrope walker that I adored and that at ten years old I wanted to marry.
528
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,920
Abdallah fell from the top of the wire, unprotected.
529
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:51,160
Shortly after, he came back up, perhaps too soon,
530
00:38:52,240 --> 00:38:55,480
to repeat a number before Genet's eyes,
531
00:38:55,640 --> 00:39:00,240
who wished, sitting below, that he would go further, ever further.
532
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:02,240
Another fall.
533
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:04,440
Then the doctors' sentence.
534
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,680
Abdallah no longer had the right to take risks
535
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:08,400
in his costume with a thousand sequins
536
00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,840
under the big top of any circus.
537
00:39:12,520 --> 00:39:14,320
It had become commonplace.
538
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:18,880
There is this word "banal" which is omnipresent in Genet.
539
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,160
I heard the adults around me whispering
540
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,520
and imply a tragedy,
541
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:27,400
as an announced chronicle of his suicide.
542
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:29,480
Everyone was worried.
543
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,400
And then, one evening, he hanged himself.
544
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,360
545
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,520
No, I don’t want to talk about my pain like that.
546
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:51,440
I would like to put it into a story.
547
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:52,400
Yes.
548
00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:55,400
I am still the child
549
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,720
of an intellectual world, and that too, I wonder about,
550
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:02,080
how did they leave me like this?
551
00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:03,800
For what?
552
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:06,800
And my pain is there.
553
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:08,840
And in no case,
554
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,240
I take you all away
555
00:40:14,120 --> 00:40:18,800
in my history to endorse anything.
556
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,040
It's just because my question,
557
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:24,520
it's: how can a kid like me, with such potential,
558
00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:27,200
had such remarkable failure behavior?
559
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,720
That's it that's all.
560
00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:32,560
I am regularly haunted by what I experienced.
561
00:40:32,720 --> 00:40:35,400
562
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:46,920
Jorge Semprun was important
563
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:48,680
also for the creation of this book.
564
00:40:48,840 --> 00:40:53,040
You went to see him to check on some memories,
565
00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:55,120
and he looked at you,
566
00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:59,680
you can feel it, with a sort of remorse,
567
00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:02,760
saying that at one point you went crazy.
568
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:04,400
Much?
569
00:41:05,000 --> 00:41:07,600
- Not good. - Why not.
570
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:11,160
When he looks at you, I said crazy, that's not it,
571
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:13,440
but we feel that he remembers you
572
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:16,040
like a teenage girl in revolt
573
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:20,080
and who started to do
574
00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:24,240
madness, not to worry,
575
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:26,320
have no self-respect,
576
00:41:26,480 --> 00:41:27,600
of his body.
577
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:29,480
At the same time, to want freedom
578
00:41:29,640 --> 00:41:33,560
and show that she could move away from her mother.
579
00:41:33,720 --> 00:41:36,040
For a moment, Carole Achache,
580
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,800
you have harmed yourself.
581
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:42,080
I had no choice.
582
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:51,320
I begin my story
583
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,800
from my sixteenth year.
584
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,440
Previously, I was sleepwalking, I had skipped a lot of steps,
585
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:02,080
but as for building myself, it was just a big rough draft.
586
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:06,520
I will not talk about my family, my social origin,
587
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:10,800
even if "Mister Freud" explained to me that it all comes from there.
588
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:14,640
In fact, until May 68,
589
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:18,320
my tribulations were totally lonely,
590
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,400
if not a few disparate encounters
591
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,720
that I did to fuck.
592
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:28,400
And then this famous month of May
593
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:30,760
made me come home
594
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:33,040
- in the dream, in reality.
595
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:35,600
In my reality.
596
00:42:36,480 --> 00:42:40,320
This month of May, a great gift for my sixteenth birthday.
597
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:44,520
It simply allowed me not to disconnect from my revolt,
598
00:42:44,720 --> 00:42:47,800
since the outside world had my color.
599
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:49,760
My discomfort,
600
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:53,760
I expressed it at that time through politics.
601
00:42:54,120 --> 00:42:56,680
When I think about it, my activism was really bogus.
602
00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:59,160
But I managed to find a few theories
603
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:02,000
which corresponded exactly to my laziness.
604
00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:04,760
Doing politics means no longer putting up with the world.
605
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,520
I'm pretty sure that
606
00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:09,600
I always wanted to do what I wanted, it's thanks to this little month.
607
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,320
It is an authorization that the company
608
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:14,800
gave me from that day on.
609
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:19,080
I am really happy and proud
610
00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:20,800
to have experienced such a moment.
611
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,560
I spent the next summer wandering through Anar groups.
612
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:27,720
Impossible to return to high school.
613
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:31,600
I started living with a boy who was a year older than me.
614
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,480
I wanted to live, but I didn't know how.
615
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:37,480
Intellectual heritage didn't help me in that regard.
616
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:41,600
I only moved forward by moral references, without letting myself go.
617
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,040
Somehow,
618
00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:47,920
I entered life knowing a little what not to do,
619
00:43:48,080 --> 00:43:49,560
but not at all what should be done.
620
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:51,400
Everything was frozen in my head.
621
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:55,160
Everything crystallized into perfect boredom,
622
00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:57,120
in a strange sadness.
623
00:43:57,320 --> 00:44:00,120
I was starting to explode because intuitively,
624
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:01,880
- I saw that I was going nowhere.
625
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:04,240
626
00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:07,840
627
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,600
I separated after a year of austerity from this boy
628
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:15,600
by meeting the world of Parisian stoners.
629
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:17,560
630
00:44:17,720 --> 00:44:20,440
Just the fact that I'm starting to get high
631
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:24,560
enormously erased certain intellectual limits
632
00:44:24,720 --> 00:44:26,520
that I had drawn for myself.
633
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:31,200
They were people for whom the only problem was to be well
634
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:33,440
and why not happy the same day.
635
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,280
They opened a free universe to me.
636
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:37,840
I was amazed.
637
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:39,560
I wanted to enter their circle,
638
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,920
be integrated, accepted.
639
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:44,440
640
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:47,040
I wanted to prove to them that I was capable of having fun,
641
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:48,560
to be crazier than them.
642
00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:50,760
And this manifested itself as...
643
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,200
heroin shots,
644
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:55,800
or by the money that I gave them,
645
00:44:55,960 --> 00:44:57,800
if they had any need.
646
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:01,560
A couple I admired couldn't pay their rent.
647
00:45:01,720 --> 00:45:02,880
Well, the next day,
648
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:05,960
by stealing a few Genet scripts and reselling them, of course,
649
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:08,280
I brought them 600 francs.
650
00:45:08,480 --> 00:45:09,560
Scam.
651
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,320
My God, how much that could turn me on!
652
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:13,440
This word
653
00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:16,560
corresponded to a means of reacting against society
654
00:45:16,720 --> 00:45:19,240
by living royally at his expense.
655
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:22,160
Books from the Pléiade, manuscripts,
656
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,760
letters from writers,
657
00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:25,680
even a little drawing by Giacometti...
658
00:45:25,840 --> 00:45:28,760
I have exhausted all the archive capital.
659
00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:31,760
I began to relax physically.
660
00:45:31,920 --> 00:45:33,120
I observed.
661
00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,120
And at the same time, I absolutely wanted to be accepted.
662
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:40,520
It's really strange that I still have gratuitous guilt
663
00:45:40,680 --> 00:45:43,840
which means that on any occasion,
664
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:47,160
I feel rejected or watched.
665
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:50,440
The only possibility for me to gain the upper hand,
666
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:51,880
it's about making love.
667
00:45:52,280 --> 00:45:57,000
The number of times I resolved a situation by having sex.
668
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:02,200
But I couldn't really get used to being lazy.
669
00:46:02,400 --> 00:46:06,360
I forced myself to believe like them so as not to be alone.
670
00:46:06,560 --> 00:46:08,800
I did a lot of acid around that time.
671
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:11,080
I freaked out like crazy,
672
00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:13,040
but I thought it was necessary
673
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:16,040
that I get over this freak out by taking some,
674
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:17,920
by taking some again.
675
00:46:18,720 --> 00:46:19,720
Or,
676
00:46:20,920 --> 00:46:22,640
I only had one desire,
677
00:46:22,800 --> 00:46:27,200
it was to start making something of myself.
678
00:46:27,400 --> 00:46:29,480
Then I met Jean.
679
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:31,160
680
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:33,040
I liked him because he made me laugh.
681
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:36,360
I had charmed him by cooking. Eh yes.
682
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:38,840
I sold my last manuscripts,
683
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:40,880
Genet, Violette Leduc,
684
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:44,680
to take a plane that would take us to New York.
685
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:47,600
We absolutely did not expect at all
686
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:49,560
in the freezing cold of this city.
687
00:46:49,720 --> 00:46:51,400
I was happy, it's true,
688
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:53,840
in the most modern country in the world.
689
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:56,840
I was happy because I was right.
690
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:59,080
This country would be mine.
691
00:46:59,240 --> 00:47:01,120
692
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:10,120
Two hours later,
693
00:47:10,760 --> 00:47:13,160
my mood completely changed.
694
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:14,840
I was hungry.
695
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:16,680
Not a circle.
696
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:20,080
And above all, I began
697
00:47:21,360 --> 00:47:25,120
to be down from all the dope
698
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:27,200
that I had taken.
699
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,320
700
00:47:57,360 --> 00:47:59,760
He lived in a hotel nearby.
701
00:48:00,720 --> 00:48:02,760
Around three or four in the morning,
702
00:48:02,920 --> 00:48:05,320
the boy returned to his room to go to bed.
703
00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:09,720
This idiot wanted to fuck me, who was dead tired.
704
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:11,640
Finally...
705
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:15,000
it was ten times more tiring to refuse,
706
00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:17,440
to explain to him that tomorrow, perhaps, I will be better
707
00:48:17,600 --> 00:48:19,920
and that I would see things more clearly.
708
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:22,760
It was better if I spread my legs
709
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:25,360
while dozing.
710
00:48:26,240 --> 00:48:29,200
First sordid experience, upon my arrival.
711
00:48:29,360 --> 00:48:30,320
Bof!
712
00:48:30,520 --> 00:48:31,960
We started to sell
713
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:34,920
what we had left of value in our suitcases.
714
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:38,080
I had some small sexual obligations
715
00:48:38,240 --> 00:48:41,200
towards our landlords, finally, it was cool.
716
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,680
I walked around New York every day.
717
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:46,280
It was beautiful.
718
00:48:46,640 --> 00:48:48,360
- I had left Paris
719
00:48:48,520 --> 00:48:51,760
because I couldn't achieve anything in this city.
720
00:48:51,960 --> 00:48:55,080
We think too much in Paris.
721
00:48:55,240 --> 00:48:59,320
I wanted a new world where I could build myself.
722
00:49:00,120 --> 00:49:03,520
I didn't worry about financial issues at all.
723
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:06,080
I left every morning with a dollar or two in my pocket.
724
00:49:06,240 --> 00:49:10,120
It was enough for my walks.
725
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:12,880
I was looking for meetings.
726
00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:16,240
- I had hope in an underground
727
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:18,960
which has already been simmering for two years in the States...
728
00:49:19,160 --> 00:49:21,800
729
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:26,160
My revolt has been and always will be, I hope,
730
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:32,320
the fact that the world of work makes people's daily lives sordid.
731
00:49:33,320 --> 00:49:38,000
But in this register, there is no one more sordid than an American.
732
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:42,000
I wasn't even trying to get out of trouble.
733
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:45,040
Looking for work would have been a shame for me.
734
00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:52,000
Roselyne then suggested that I escape a little from this sordidness.
735
00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:53,960
and give me a good bell.
736
00:49:55,320 --> 00:49:58,400
The owner of a French restaurant invited us there.
737
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:02,480
She had warned me of the guy's lack of interest.
738
00:50:02,640 --> 00:50:05,480
He was a man of around fifty years old,
739
00:50:06,400 --> 00:50:09,680
typical nouveau riche, happy with himself.
740
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:12,680
We sat down at the table.
741
00:50:13,240 --> 00:50:16,040
The conversation did not interest me at all.
742
00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:18,160
All I could think about was eating and drinking.
743
00:50:18,320 --> 00:50:21,520
It was Roselyne who took care of the fair play side.
744
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:27,680
A sort of numbness came over me thanks to an excellent wine.
745
00:50:27,840 --> 00:50:32,560
I became lascivious, indifferent to the external environment.
746
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:37,280
My body was warming up from the calories I had been lacking for some time.
747
00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:40,480
The end of the meal was approaching.
748
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:45,160
At one point in the conversation I caught:
749
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:49,000
"Why don’t you go to my studio?"
750
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:52,600
And this was addressed to me from the boss.
751
00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,040
Bof.
752
00:50:55,920 --> 00:51:00,840
I was good, any experience was worth taking, for me,
753
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:05,280
and I'm a girl who, for the longest time, could never say no.
754
00:51:05,440 --> 00:51:09,040
And this mixture of all the alcohols
755
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:13,000
had made me rather indifferent to my prejudices.
756
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:19,280
The boss got up to sort out the final details of...
757
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:24,360
At that moment, Roselyne said something like this:
758
00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:29,480
"Don’t ask him for money first, he’ll slip you $20 in the end."
759
00:51:30,800 --> 00:51:32,360
And this sentence
760
00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:36,960
melted into my muddy state.
761
00:51:37,840 --> 00:51:40,480
We went to the studio across from the restaurant.
762
00:51:41,680 --> 00:51:44,360
Things went completely normally.
763
00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:49,760
except that there was no search for a romantic encounter,
764
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:55,040
but it didn't bother me as it was unfortunately not the first time
765
00:51:55,200 --> 00:51:58,680
that I was fucking without having a real human encounter.
766
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:02,320
Half an hour later, it was over.
767
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:04,680
I know I came.
768
00:52:05,400 --> 00:52:08,360
Toilets, dressing. And indeed,
769
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:11,160
the me woman 20 dollars.
770
00:52:12,560 --> 00:52:15,200
Roselyne thought I had guts,
771
00:52:15,360 --> 00:52:19,320
that she had had more difficulty the first time.
772
00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:23,080
The fog in my head continued.
773
00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:28,240
We were walking in Manhattan. The air was quite fresh.
774
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:31,640
And I was starting to get tired.
775
00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:36,160
She suggested that we spend the afternoon together
776
00:52:36,320 --> 00:52:40,160
because there was an unexpected hit of 100 dollars each.
777
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:43,400
Two men on a business trip.
778
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:47,040
And suddenly,
779
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:51,240
the lump rose to my throat.
780
00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:55,480
I was totally disgusted with myself.
781
00:52:57,120 --> 00:52:59,720
I realized I had sold myself
782
00:53:00,360 --> 00:53:01,240
morally.
783
00:53:01,400 --> 00:53:02,800
Physically, I didn't give a damn.
784
00:53:02,960 --> 00:53:08,480
But all my theories, my rebellion were...
785
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:12,400
undone by what I had just done.
786
00:53:12,560 --> 00:53:15,360
Selling myself wasn't the problem.
787
00:53:15,520 --> 00:53:20,720
But I had just messed up the one act
788
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:23,520
where I thought I was free.
789
00:53:23,680 --> 00:53:25,160
I came from...
790
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:29,280
to compromise myself with this world that I hated.
791
00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:32,040
In two hours,
792
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:34,480
I had just erased all my violence,
793
00:53:35,280 --> 00:53:36,960
all my refusal.
794
00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:43,080
Jean explained to me that this was the price to pay
795
00:53:43,760 --> 00:53:47,880
for our freedom, that all the party folk side,
796
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:53,400
of need for unlimited happiness, that came at a very high price.
797
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:57,920
"The world is ugly. Life is very hard." That is what he said.
798
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:00,800
And,
799
00:54:01,520 --> 00:54:04,800
ultimately, it was a very small moment to spend
800
00:54:04,960 --> 00:54:07,680
to let yourself live afterwards.
801
00:54:09,040 --> 00:54:10,760
I shouldn't have dreamed.
802
00:54:10,920 --> 00:54:14,520
If we wanted to get something
803
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:17,240
of this society to live well,
804
00:54:17,400 --> 00:54:19,480
It needs to be done.
805
00:54:20,760 --> 00:54:22,320
Let me have no illusions,
806
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:25,720
it is the sine qua non condition for being able to live freely.
807
00:54:26,240 --> 00:54:27,800
So.
808
00:54:31,160 --> 00:54:34,840
I actually had no choice.
809
00:54:36,720 --> 00:54:40,080
I never asked myself that question.
810
00:54:40,240 --> 00:54:42,120
How do I get out of this financially?
811
00:54:42,280 --> 00:54:43,640
I let myself live.
812
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:45,880
There was also this economic ease
813
00:54:46,040 --> 00:54:47,600
that I had thanks to my mother,
814
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:49,680
which provided for all my needs.
815
00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:51,520
816
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,320
I entered a strange reality,
817
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:58,080
that of lies,
818
00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,240
pure compromise
819
00:55:01,400 --> 00:55:04,320
and, in a way, deep disillusionment.
820
00:55:05,040 --> 00:55:07,680
And I went to the end of this path.
821
00:55:07,840 --> 00:55:10,520
I became a very good prostitute.
822
00:55:11,840 --> 00:55:14,680
The plan was simple: get into the best hotel,
823
00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:17,680
ask at reception if Mr. so-and-so was there,
824
00:55:17,840 --> 00:55:21,320
make a fuss when faced with an obviously negative response
825
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:24,040
and finally settle down patiently
826
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:27,200
on an armchair that can panoramic
827
00:55:27,600 --> 00:55:29,840
on the back and forth.
828
00:55:30,960 --> 00:55:32,280
Uh...
829
00:55:32,960 --> 00:55:35,760
After half an hour,
830
00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:38,600
I found someone.
831
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:43,640
I experienced a real dichotomy.
832
00:55:43,920 --> 00:55:47,680
I had several lives and I couldn't reconcile them,
833
00:55:47,840 --> 00:55:49,320
but at the end,
834
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:52,320
it was impossible for me
835
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:56,120
not to incorporate my whore life
836
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:58,800
in my life
837
00:56:00,040 --> 00:56:02,360
daughter of intellectuals.
838
00:56:04,280 --> 00:56:06,240
If I analyze
839
00:56:07,040 --> 00:56:09,800
my attitude during these years...
840
00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:17,360
I can see that I was pursuing a process
841
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:19,920
suicidal.
842
00:56:24,680 --> 00:56:26,080
843
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:04,400
I know details,
844
00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:07,160
- but I don't know if they are... - So?
845
00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:09,960
I don't know, they said that at the time,
846
00:57:10,800 --> 00:57:12,920
I hesitate to be able to tell you, perhaps.
847
00:57:13,080 --> 00:57:14,800
No, no, because...
848
00:57:15,000 --> 00:57:17,280
That Genet pushed you to walk the sidewalk...
849
00:57:17,440 --> 00:57:19,960
Oh no. Not. Not.
850
00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:21,960
It's funny, why?
851
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:24,080
I don't know, someone told me that at the time.
852
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:26,680
Because in the end, I did it.
853
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:28,240
Yes.
854
00:57:28,400 --> 00:57:31,560
But it's weird, it's incredible.
855
00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:33,240
I did it but later.
856
00:57:33,400 --> 00:57:36,400
- And I think that... - And Genet had nothing to do with it?
857
00:57:36,600 --> 00:57:37,760
Non.
858
00:57:37,920 --> 00:57:39,920
On the other hand, he was complicit...
859
00:57:40,080 --> 00:57:45,000
I had a relationship with Jacky when I was too young. Really.
860
00:57:45,160 --> 00:57:48,440
Where my mother is a little complicit... Which is not...
861
00:57:48,600 --> 00:57:51,360
Really, I was 11... 12, 13 years old!
862
00:57:51,560 --> 00:57:55,360
So in my opinion it is premature.
863
00:57:55,560 --> 00:57:58,400
And... but it's funny, this thing.
864
00:57:58,840 --> 00:58:01,560
That's the rumor, anyway.
865
00:58:02,160 --> 00:58:04,320
I prostituted myself.
866
00:58:05,480 --> 00:58:07,760
Which isn't great...
867
00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:08,880
No.
868
00:58:09,040 --> 00:58:11,160
to do! So.
869
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:15,760
But I thought it was really the work of Jean Genet...
870
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:17,680
- Listen... - Yeah?
871
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:20,400
You wouldn't have done it if Jean wasn't around!
872
00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:22,520
Well, I don't know.
873
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:24,680
I totally agree.
874
00:58:25,600 --> 00:58:27,080
But why do you say that?
875
00:58:27,240 --> 00:58:29,040
I completely agree, but...
876
00:58:29,200 --> 00:58:32,000
Because he had a taste for challenging people,
877
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:33,760
to challenge them,
878
00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:37,240
to push them as far as possible in their contradictions,
879
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:40,600
in quotes, what were his fantasies, what.
880
00:58:41,320 --> 00:58:46,160
He pushed Abdallah in this direction, where he pushed him.
881
00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:49,880
He pushed Jacky where he pushed him... He broke people like that!
882
00:58:50,040 --> 00:58:51,160
Throughout his life!
883
00:58:51,320 --> 00:58:53,160
He broke me as a kid, really.
884
00:58:53,320 --> 00:58:57,080
This is one of the reasons that derailed me.
885
00:58:57,240 --> 00:58:58,440
Yes, of course.
886
00:58:58,600 --> 00:58:59,720
So.
887
00:59:05,240 --> 00:59:08,160
Could my mother have known?
888
00:59:08,320 --> 00:59:10,240
That Genet would have put me...
889
00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:12,760
I mean, it's serious!
890
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:16,160
I don't know. I can't say for sure, really.
891
00:59:18,800 --> 00:59:21,320
No, it didn't happen directly,
892
00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:22,680
but there was,
893
00:59:22,880 --> 00:59:29,520
by dint of highlighting theft, delinquency and all that,
894
00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:31,880
I had no other idea than to do that.
895
00:59:32,080 --> 00:59:34,160
He was a manipulator, too.
896
00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:35,680
Completely.
897
00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:39,320
Why did my mother leave me with him?
898
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:41,760
That, she had such admiration for Genet
899
00:59:41,920 --> 00:59:44,800
that she would have accepted anything. But really anything.
900
00:59:44,960 --> 00:59:46,080
It's crazy.
901
00:59:46,240 --> 00:59:47,160
Yeah.
902
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:50,160
SO...
903
00:59:50,320 --> 00:59:55,160
It's my ambivalence, it's that: I have a dog of my female dog against Genet,
904
00:59:55,320 --> 00:59:56,680
he's disgusting.
905
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:58,800
- Yes, no.
906
00:59:58,960 --> 01:00:01,760
There you go. And at the same time, I know that
907
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:05,320
maybe I have some form of intelligence
908
01:00:05,480 --> 01:00:07,120
which was trained by Jean.
909
01:00:07,280 --> 01:00:09,920
- Yes. - Yes! So.
910
01:00:10,080 --> 01:00:13,960
And it's true that my mother, in the middle of all this,
911
01:00:14,120 --> 01:00:16,000
she plays a funny game.
912
01:00:16,160 --> 01:00:19,160
That, yes, the mother-daughter relationship in these cases...
913
01:00:19,360 --> 01:00:22,080
There, this one is amazing!
914
01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:23,600
- Yeah... - Yes, there...
915
01:00:23,760 --> 01:00:26,000
916
01:00:57,080 --> 01:00:58,880
I was not understood.
917
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:01,920
They were writers, men or women.
918
01:01:02,240 --> 01:01:05,160
I always put men before women because I love them.
919
01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:07,920
That’s how it is, it’s carnal.
920
01:01:08,320 --> 01:01:10,320
They penetrate me.
921
01:01:10,480 --> 01:01:12,320
I feel them filling me.
922
01:01:12,480 --> 01:01:14,400
It lasts a short time.
923
01:01:14,560 --> 01:01:17,200
It lasts so little time that I didn't continue too much
924
01:01:17,360 --> 01:01:19,240
to make me fill like that.
925
01:01:19,400 --> 01:01:22,000
It reminded me too much of my emptiness.
926
01:01:30,320 --> 01:01:32,440
It is not difficult for me at the moment to tell myself
927
01:01:32,600 --> 01:01:35,920
that I am a piece of shit and eternally incapable.
928
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:42,560
929
01:01:42,720 --> 01:01:46,160
930
01:01:46,360 --> 01:01:48,880
How many are there, Noémie?
931
01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:51,840
932
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:55,480
933
01:01:56,040 --> 01:01:59,920
934
01:02:00,120 --> 01:02:01,960
935
01:02:10,320 --> 01:02:14,080
Four, three, two, one.
936
01:02:14,240 --> 01:02:16,680
François Mitterrand is elected President of the Republic.
937
01:02:16,840 --> 01:02:19,040
938
01:02:19,240 --> 01:02:21,000
939
01:02:30,360 --> 01:02:33,440
940
01:02:33,600 --> 01:02:35,880
941
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:50,760
942
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:02,640
Two, three! Yeah!
943
01:03:02,840 --> 01:03:04,720
944
01:03:07,560 --> 01:03:10,000
Happy birthday...
945
01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:13,120
946
01:03:13,320 --> 01:03:18,120
Happy birthday, Mona
947
01:03:18,320 --> 01:03:21,240
Happy birthday, Elio
948
01:03:21,440 --> 01:03:22,960
OK, let’s stop there, right?
949
01:03:24,080 --> 01:03:25,040
It's no coincidence
950
01:03:25,240 --> 01:03:29,200
if I stayed with the father of my children for more than 30 years.
951
01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:32,800
Finding balance by tidying up my house,
952
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:35,480
- sweeping, removing dust.
953
01:03:35,760 --> 01:03:37,960
This need for the exterior to be organized,
954
01:03:38,160 --> 01:03:41,040
so much inside I feel disfigured,
955
01:03:41,720 --> 01:03:44,240
referring to severity in opposition
956
01:03:44,440 --> 01:03:46,360
to whatever I have experienced.
957
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:51,600
Have I shown too much conformity in appearance,
958
01:03:51,920 --> 01:03:54,640
to compensate for my lack of reference points?
959
01:03:54,800 --> 01:03:57,680
960
01:03:57,880 --> 01:03:59,160
961
01:03:59,320 --> 01:04:01,640
Yes, one day you jammed your fingers like that.
962
01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:03,920
You did... You were very, very hurt.
963
01:04:04,280 --> 01:04:06,160
You cried. Oh oops!
964
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:09,320
Because you just have to take the drawer, like that.
965
01:04:09,480 --> 01:04:11,120
You shouldn't put your fingers like that...
966
01:04:11,280 --> 01:04:12,960
You have to grab the handle.
967
01:04:14,520 --> 01:04:17,720
So. Well done! You've understood everything.
968
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:21,240
This is how it should be done. That way, you don't hurt yourself.
969
01:04:21,400 --> 01:04:22,760
970
01:04:24,520 --> 01:04:27,280
But is conformity a nasty disease for you?
971
01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:30,600
It's a miserable disease, in any case.
972
01:04:32,160 --> 01:04:34,320
And why is it a miserable disease?
973
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:36,360
Because it prevents you from existing.
974
01:04:38,080 --> 01:04:41,200
Because people who are truly conformist have not lived.
975
01:04:41,400 --> 01:04:44,360
Goods make one conformist, the accumulation of goods, wealth.
976
01:04:45,120 --> 01:04:47,000
Throughout life, we become attached
977
01:04:47,200 --> 01:04:49,440
not only to beings, we also attach ourselves to objects,
978
01:04:49,600 --> 01:04:51,480
memories, photographs,...
979
01:04:51,680 --> 01:04:53,000
It's not bad,
980
01:04:53,160 --> 01:04:54,480
but you always have to be able to do without it.
981
01:04:54,680 --> 01:04:57,240
Yes, but you don't do without it here, because...
982
01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:00,560
Yes, of course, since they are there. But the day they are no longer there...
983
01:05:01,040 --> 01:05:02,400
- Never mind? - Yes.
984
01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:04,760
You know, the beautiful phrase from Cocteau that I have already quoted
985
01:05:04,920 --> 01:05:06,040
in I don't know which magazine:
986
01:05:06,200 --> 01:05:08,160
"What would you take if the house burned down?
987
01:05:08,320 --> 01:05:09,160
"I would take away the fire."
988
01:05:10,680 --> 01:05:11,440
Pretty.
989
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:12,800
Very pretty.
990
01:05:12,960 --> 01:05:15,360
991
01:05:26,120 --> 01:05:28,760
OK, I'm going to continue the comic strip.
992
01:05:28,920 --> 01:05:31,160
993
01:05:37,480 --> 01:05:41,400
My mother made a lot of noise when she drank her tea in the morning.
994
01:05:43,000 --> 01:05:45,640
Ah, but I thought we were taking a little break there.
995
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:47,920
Not.
996
01:05:51,560 --> 01:05:55,920
- Afterwards, she kept the sip.
997
01:05:56,640 --> 01:05:58,200
And then she swallows.
998
01:05:59,400 --> 01:06:01,000
999
01:06:13,560 --> 01:06:16,120
1000
01:06:18,520 --> 01:06:20,080
- I hated that sound.
1001
01:06:21,920 --> 01:06:24,080
Well then, why reproduce it?
1002
01:06:25,560 --> 01:06:28,320
1003
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:32,600
Happy birthday...
1004
01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:34,800
birthday
1005
01:06:35,000 --> 01:06:36,640
versary
1006
01:06:36,840 --> 01:06:38,560
Happy birthday...
1007
01:06:38,760 --> 01:06:41,400
Attention, attention, attention.
1008
01:06:41,560 --> 01:06:44,240
Yours. Come on, follow me, follow me...
1009
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:47,040
1010
01:06:49,960 --> 01:06:51,360
I have, stram, gram,
1011
01:06:51,560 --> 01:06:53,440
pic and pic and... I'm lost.
1012
01:06:53,600 --> 01:06:54,720
Colegram!
1013
01:06:56,960 --> 01:06:58,440
I have, stram, gram, Laura!
1014
01:06:58,640 --> 01:07:02,640
Happy birthday
1015
01:07:02,840 --> 01:07:06,080
1016
01:07:06,280 --> 01:07:08,240
- Come on!
1017
01:07:08,400 --> 01:07:09,680
1018
01:07:09,840 --> 01:07:12,040
Bravo, I can't applaud with the cake in my hands...
1019
01:07:12,240 --> 01:07:16,160
1020
01:07:16,560 --> 01:07:18,160
1021
01:07:18,320 --> 01:07:19,360
You often told me
1022
01:07:19,560 --> 01:07:21,840
an anecdote that you were strangely proud of.
1023
01:07:22,720 --> 01:07:25,040
1024
01:07:25,200 --> 01:07:27,120
You were one year old.
1025
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:29,760
I laid you down on the changing table to wash you.
1026
01:07:30,800 --> 01:07:32,160
Don't you have an ashtray?
1027
01:07:32,320 --> 01:07:34,600
I mixed up the bottle of physiological serum
1028
01:07:34,760 --> 01:07:37,600
with the 90% alcohol and I got it in your eyes.
1029
01:07:37,760 --> 01:07:39,560
You started screaming.
1030
01:07:39,720 --> 01:07:42,080
When I hit my bullshit,
1031
01:07:42,240 --> 01:07:45,920
I took the bottle of alcohol and put some in my eyes,
1032
01:07:46,120 --> 01:07:48,360
to feel the same pain as you.
1033
01:07:51,200 --> 01:07:53,760
Why this transmission of pain?
1034
01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:57,160
1035
01:07:57,320 --> 01:08:00,840
You quickly told me that your mother had been raped by several boys
1036
01:08:01,040 --> 01:08:03,480
during a bullfight in the streets of Pamplona.
1037
01:08:04,960 --> 01:08:06,920
This story is part of my childhood.
1038
01:08:08,800 --> 01:08:12,440
In your mouth, Pamplona sounded like a mythological tale.
1039
01:08:14,200 --> 01:08:15,680
As well as there was Hera
1040
01:08:15,840 --> 01:08:18,840
who threw Hephaestus out of the window because of his ugliness...
1041
01:08:19,000 --> 01:08:20,479
1042
01:08:20,680 --> 01:08:24,600
there was Penelope who unraveled at night what she had woven during the day,
1043
01:08:25,120 --> 01:08:26,719
and there was Momo,
1044
01:08:26,880 --> 01:08:28,559
who was raped by several boys
1045
01:08:28,719 --> 01:08:31,160
during a bullfight in the streets of Pamplona.
1046
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:34,920
Small,
1047
01:08:35,319 --> 01:08:37,600
this singing word mixed with diffuse images
1048
01:08:37,760 --> 01:08:40,479
of a bloody bull and young boys
1049
01:08:40,639 --> 01:08:43,440
attacking my young grandmother in the Spanish streets
1050
01:08:43,639 --> 01:08:45,440
left impressions arising in me
1051
01:08:45,639 --> 01:08:47,319
as strange as they are romantic.
1052
01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:51,399
The specter of the abuse you suffered
1053
01:08:51,559 --> 01:08:54,800
then hovered over my childhood in a more insidious way,
1054
01:08:55,680 --> 01:08:59,240
but so much so that today, I realize how much I have grown
1055
01:08:59,399 --> 01:09:01,520
in the tacit idea that this would happen to me.
1056
01:09:02,200 --> 01:09:03,800
Because it always happened.
1057
01:09:04,319 --> 01:09:08,080
And that it wasn't really a tragedy, but an inevitability.
1058
01:09:08,280 --> 01:09:10,399
An essential initiation rite.
1059
01:09:20,399 --> 01:09:24,080
From my childhood, I keep happy memories of our frequent stays
1060
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:27,520
in Juan's house, in Marrakech, where he lives half of his time.
1061
01:09:30,559 --> 01:09:33,479
At thirteen, I discovered Juan's homosexuality
1062
01:09:33,639 --> 01:09:37,040
and I understand better who Amir is, whom I have known forever
1063
01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:40,200
and who lives in the house with his brother and their family.
1064
01:09:46,600 --> 01:09:49,360
In the heart of the medina, this timeless happiness was inherent
1065
01:09:49,559 --> 01:09:53,760
to Amir's servitude for Juan and by extension for us.
1066
01:09:54,360 --> 01:09:55,400
1067
01:09:58,160 --> 01:10:01,400
Obviously, I loved this Moroccan part of my childhood.
1068
01:10:03,040 --> 01:10:04,840
I loved my grandfather.
1069
01:10:06,080 --> 01:10:07,320
And vice versa.
1070
01:10:09,840 --> 01:10:11,120
1071
01:10:11,280 --> 01:10:12,639
But at fourteen,
1072
01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:15,480
during one of our trips to Morocco,
1073
01:10:16,600 --> 01:10:19,240
Amir comes into my room every night
1074
01:10:20,040 --> 01:10:22,559
and I can't say no.
1075
01:10:22,840 --> 01:10:25,000
1076
01:10:29,320 --> 01:10:32,160
I tell you about it, you collapse
1077
01:10:32,960 --> 01:10:35,639
and you tell me you knew this would happen to me,
1078
01:10:36,160 --> 01:10:38,480
that this had happened to you too.
1079
01:10:39,960 --> 01:10:42,200
Because women are cursed in our family.
1080
01:10:46,000 --> 01:10:50,040
Later, Juan chose the comfort of maintaining his Moroccan life with Amir
1081
01:10:50,240 --> 01:10:52,440
to the detriment of my confessions,
1082
01:10:52,639 --> 01:10:55,760
suggesting to me, in a way, to submit to your silence.
1083
01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:04,400
I do not forget
1084
01:11:04,600 --> 01:11:08,520
and I sever my ties with Juan in the name of those he maintains with Amir.
1085
01:11:10,719 --> 01:11:15,080
Very quickly, I discovered that you reproduced the ambiguities of your own mother.
1086
01:11:15,240 --> 01:11:19,320
You are incapable of sacrificing the privilege of your relationship with Juan
1087
01:11:19,480 --> 01:11:22,040
in the name of abuse suffered by your daughter.
1088
01:11:22,240 --> 01:11:24,040
1089
01:11:32,320 --> 01:11:35,400
Mona, you told Juan his four truths,
1090
01:11:35,559 --> 01:11:38,920
so you freed yourself a little bit, right?
1091
01:11:39,680 --> 01:11:43,639
And I, former whore, have I not come a long way?
1092
01:11:44,840 --> 01:11:47,719
You find all my contacts with Juan despicable.
1093
01:11:47,880 --> 01:11:49,960
Like I was denying what happened to you.
1094
01:11:50,120 --> 01:11:55,320
I told you that you shouldn't confuse Amir and Juan.
1095
01:11:55,960 --> 01:11:59,160
But in fact, I was once again voiceless,
1096
01:11:59,320 --> 01:12:00,280
because actually
1097
01:12:00,480 --> 01:12:03,320
Juan's attitude towards you is zero.
1098
01:12:04,240 --> 01:12:05,080
And me,
1099
01:12:05,280 --> 01:12:09,000
I am in the middle, in my eternal silence,
1100
01:12:10,760 --> 01:12:15,960
having given all my strength to structure my children.
1101
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:20,680
And I'm in the middle, having had a past
1102
01:12:20,840 --> 01:12:23,760
that the three of mine let it happen,
1103
01:12:24,160 --> 01:12:27,800
my father, my mother and Juan.
1104
01:12:28,320 --> 01:12:31,840
Sinister trinity that prevents me from screaming.
1105
01:12:32,040 --> 01:12:34,240
And I'm in the middle
1106
01:12:34,400 --> 01:12:37,680
and I'm tired of being nothing.
1107
01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:39,760
A piece of shit in your eyes.
1108
01:12:40,160 --> 01:12:43,639
A less than nothing having collaborated with the enemy.
1109
01:12:44,200 --> 01:12:46,160
And I'm in the middle,
1110
01:12:46,320 --> 01:12:47,800
having suffered acts
1111
01:12:48,200 --> 01:12:50,400
which I consider more serious
1112
01:12:50,559 --> 01:12:52,240
than those you experienced.
1113
01:12:52,440 --> 01:12:54,680
It's not about competition,
1114
01:12:55,600 --> 01:12:57,639
nor of a lesser evil,
1115
01:12:58,240 --> 01:13:02,120
but you are less alone than me in the face of these three crazy people,
1116
01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:05,639
Juan, my father and my mother.
1117
01:13:05,800 --> 01:13:09,280
1118
01:13:17,600 --> 01:13:21,000
1119
01:13:21,200 --> 01:13:22,320
For what?
1120
01:13:22,680 --> 01:13:27,440
Why did I not condemn them as you do me?
1121
01:13:27,639 --> 01:13:29,639
Why did they kill me?
1122
01:13:31,840 --> 01:13:35,520
I am a ridiculous, grotesque being.
1123
01:13:36,040 --> 01:13:41,320
I'm eternal shit in the eyes of those who should be my parents,
1124
01:13:42,000 --> 01:13:43,840
in the eyes of the one who is my daughter.
1125
01:13:45,920 --> 01:13:50,320
You find me unworthy of having collaborated with the enemy.
1126
01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:52,600
For having said,
1127
01:13:52,920 --> 01:13:56,639
at a dinner you attended, that Juan was a good person.
1128
01:13:56,800 --> 01:13:57,800
Yes.
1129
01:13:59,280 --> 01:14:03,160
My ambivalence, my ambiguity are there.
1130
01:14:05,240 --> 01:14:10,520
I really think that Juan is both a good person
1131
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:13,320
and trash, as you say.
1132
01:14:13,639 --> 01:14:15,320
I really think
1133
01:14:16,320 --> 01:14:20,080
that my mother is both trash and a good person
1134
01:14:20,360 --> 01:14:25,200
and that my father is both trash and a good person,
1135
01:14:25,360 --> 01:14:30,639
and that I am the fruit of this trinity.
1136
01:14:32,280 --> 01:14:35,240
So an error.
1137
01:14:38,160 --> 01:14:41,280
I can't fix
1138
01:14:43,080 --> 01:14:45,280
what Amir did to you.
1139
01:14:46,040 --> 01:14:53,320
I can't repair the resentment you have for me.
1140
01:14:55,840 --> 01:14:58,120
And I'm in the middle,
1141
01:14:59,480 --> 01:15:04,840
and I want to cut out my tongue
1142
01:15:05,000 --> 01:15:07,920
to force me to be silent,
1143
01:15:09,800 --> 01:15:17,200
which would make me die, like a flower that dehydrates.
1144
01:15:27,360 --> 01:15:31,719
1145
01:15:41,160 --> 01:15:45,160
I've got you, you've got me, by the goatee
1146
01:15:45,320 --> 01:15:49,080
The first one to laugh will get a swatter
1147
01:15:49,240 --> 01:15:50,800
1148
01:16:14,559 --> 01:16:19,400
Oh no, but I just remembered.
1149
01:16:20,639 --> 01:16:23,200
You wanted... Damn I heard a hint,
1150
01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:26,559
I don't know if you gave it to me directly or...
1151
01:16:27,880 --> 01:16:31,120
You wanted me to do something special, right?
1152
01:16:31,280 --> 01:16:34,400
No. Damn, I was dreaming, forget it.
1153
01:16:35,600 --> 01:16:36,920
Anything!
1154
01:16:40,280 --> 01:16:43,120
Yeah, the photos.
1155
01:16:44,360 --> 01:16:47,520
1156
01:16:54,559 --> 01:16:55,719
My mother and her mother's mother.
1157
01:16:55,920 --> 01:16:56,920
My mother and her mother.
1158
01:16:57,080 --> 01:16:59,480
My grandmother and her mother. You and your mother.
1159
01:16:59,680 --> 01:17:02,080
- Your mother's mother and her mother. - His mother's mother.
1160
01:17:02,280 --> 01:17:04,920
- Her mother's mother's mother. - His mother's mother's mother and...
1161
01:17:05,120 --> 01:17:06,719
- Me, you and your mother. - From her mother.
1162
01:17:06,920 --> 01:17:11,320
his mother's mother's mother.
1163
01:17:11,480 --> 01:17:13,480
And mother's mother's mother.
1164
01:17:13,639 --> 01:17:14,440
You.
1165
01:17:14,639 --> 01:17:15,840
My problem today,
1166
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:17,920
It’s that I don’t fit in there at all.
1167
01:17:18,120 --> 01:17:19,960
- I don't exist in there.
1168
01:17:20,160 --> 01:17:22,920
- What do you mean? - I do not exist.
1169
01:17:23,280 --> 01:17:27,520
We talk about Juan, we talk about Genet, we talk about Semprun, we talk about all that.
1170
01:17:27,680 --> 01:17:30,320
Me, I feel like I've been through this
1171
01:17:30,520 --> 01:17:32,080
as an accompanist,
1172
01:17:32,520 --> 01:17:38,600
but I am not a powerful man who took power over Carole.
1173
01:17:39,320 --> 01:17:43,639
I'm not that. Well, I don't feel like that.
1174
01:17:46,000 --> 01:17:48,680
Yet she still spent 33 years of her life with me,
1175
01:17:48,840 --> 01:17:50,639
so more than half.
1176
01:17:50,800 --> 01:17:52,719
1177
01:17:54,080 --> 01:17:55,559
1178
01:17:56,160 --> 01:17:59,400
But I, if you like, actually, I was absent.
1179
01:17:59,559 --> 01:18:02,040
I went through all that, without...
1180
01:18:04,080 --> 01:18:06,000
without playing my role.
1181
01:18:07,480 --> 01:18:12,920
It takes me back to my own cowardice, it's true, it's true, I know.
1182
01:18:18,520 --> 01:18:21,200
1183
01:18:27,200 --> 01:18:29,719
- In your family,
1184
01:18:30,200 --> 01:18:33,240
men pass by, and God knows if there are any, if they are important.
1185
01:18:33,400 --> 01:18:36,040
First, they have children.
1186
01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:40,240
But it's really something you wrote
1187
01:18:40,400 --> 01:18:44,719
from mother to daughter, from mother to daughter through the generations.
1188
01:18:45,400 --> 01:18:47,880
For now, it's just my mother and me
1189
01:18:48,040 --> 01:18:48,880
who wrote about it
1190
01:18:49,040 --> 01:18:53,800
and I hope to have stopped this kind of matriarchy
1191
01:18:54,559 --> 01:18:55,480
which makes men
1192
01:18:55,639 --> 01:18:58,440
- are a bit secondary. - A bit secondary.
1193
01:19:17,480 --> 01:19:19,600
For several days, I have been writing.
1194
01:19:19,760 --> 01:19:23,719
Discipline of isolation, alongside the truth of my solitude.
1195
01:19:23,880 --> 01:19:26,080
No doubt I am responsible for it,
1196
01:19:26,240 --> 01:19:29,080
but I swore not to complain in these notebooks.
1197
01:19:29,240 --> 01:19:32,120
I just read a sentence from Duras on the Internet.
1198
01:19:32,280 --> 01:19:33,200
She says :
1199
01:19:33,360 --> 01:19:36,400
"I only manage to free myself from myself in two cases:
1200
01:19:36,559 --> 01:19:38,800
"by the idea of suicide and by that of writing."
1201
01:19:38,960 --> 01:19:41,559
The bitch holds the key.
1202
01:19:41,719 --> 01:19:44,480
I still don't have it. At my age.
1203
01:19:44,639 --> 01:19:47,719
Yes, but no one before her wrote to her family.
1204
01:19:47,880 --> 01:19:49,440
- Around me, yes.
1205
01:19:49,600 --> 01:19:52,360
The censorship or the complex lies there.
1206
01:19:52,559 --> 01:19:55,840
1207
01:20:09,920 --> 01:20:12,840
1208
01:20:43,320 --> 01:20:46,080
1209
01:20:49,280 --> 01:20:50,639
Carole,
1210
01:20:50,800 --> 01:20:53,320
About your book, you told me the other day that you had reread it
1211
01:20:53,480 --> 01:20:55,040
and that you found him to be shit.
1212
01:20:55,240 --> 01:20:57,440
1213
01:20:57,600 --> 01:21:00,280
However, you shouldn't doubt yourself.
1214
01:21:00,440 --> 01:21:03,680
For almost a year and a half, I have been putting my retirement papers in order.
1215
01:21:04,520 --> 01:21:05,760
I am stunned,
1216
01:21:05,960 --> 01:21:08,960
stunned by the number of books and screenplays that didn't come to fruition.
1217
01:21:09,120 --> 01:21:10,400
1218
01:21:10,559 --> 01:21:12,920
Some perhaps out of injustice,
1219
01:21:13,080 --> 01:21:15,360
but others who were downright bad, immature.
1220
01:21:16,760 --> 01:21:19,520
I have no bitterness over everything that didn't work out.
1221
01:21:21,559 --> 01:21:24,240
That's what made or broke me, I don't know,
1222
01:21:24,400 --> 01:21:26,639
but that’s what makes me the way I am.
1223
01:21:28,520 --> 01:21:30,760
My life can seem like a series of failures,
1224
01:21:30,920 --> 01:21:32,840
but I don't feel like that.
1225
01:21:34,080 --> 01:21:37,120
If I had to do it again, I think I would do it again.
1226
01:21:38,800 --> 01:21:40,920
1227
01:21:43,160 --> 01:21:44,960
I only regret one thing,
1228
01:21:45,320 --> 01:21:47,400
it's the incredible lack of confidence in myself
1229
01:21:47,559 --> 01:21:49,280
who has pursued me throughout my life
1230
01:21:49,480 --> 01:21:51,760
and who, to tell the truth, has not yet let go of me.
1231
01:21:53,320 --> 01:21:55,360
And I wouldn't want you to suffer from that.
1232
01:21:55,520 --> 01:21:57,639
Because you would be wrong, just like I was wrong.
1233
01:21:59,520 --> 01:22:03,160
I don't believe in you blindly, you surprise me every day.
1234
01:22:05,240 --> 01:22:07,360
I'm happy when I see that you don't react like me
1235
01:22:07,520 --> 01:22:09,480
because I don't want to weigh you down.
1236
01:22:11,400 --> 01:22:14,360
When I'm stuck because of you, I don't find it serious.
1237
01:22:15,360 --> 01:22:18,480
But if anything about me bothers you, then I'm sick of it.
1238
01:22:23,360 --> 01:22:24,920
1239
01:22:31,639 --> 01:22:35,600
1240
01:22:58,680 --> 01:23:00,120
You see, there is always time,
1241
01:23:00,280 --> 01:23:01,840
she takes more and more medication.
1242
01:23:02,040 --> 01:23:04,960
She... It's terrible, there's a descent.
1243
01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:08,120
It's awful, it's awful.
1244
01:23:08,280 --> 01:23:10,639
She let herself...
1245
01:23:10,840 --> 01:23:13,000
1246
01:23:32,520 --> 01:23:36,960
1247
01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:47,840
All her life, your mother wrote that she wanted to die,
1248
01:23:48,440 --> 01:23:49,760
like you.
1249
01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:54,080
1250
01:23:54,680 --> 01:23:57,200
Like her, you received as an inheritance
1251
01:23:57,400 --> 01:24:00,639
ownership of the building in which we all lived,
1252
01:24:02,040 --> 01:24:03,559
and you sold it.
1253
01:24:04,160 --> 01:24:07,160
You invested everything in the stock market. The stock market collapsed.
1254
01:24:07,320 --> 01:24:09,120
And you lost everything.
1255
01:24:09,280 --> 01:24:12,440
1256
01:24:42,920 --> 01:24:44,800
I am responsible for my loneliness,
1257
01:24:44,960 --> 01:24:46,000
she is terrible to live with.
1258
01:24:46,160 --> 01:24:48,160
What keeps me alive? To write.
1259
01:24:48,320 --> 01:24:52,760
What luxury. I keep this luxury! That's all I have left.
1260
01:24:52,920 --> 01:24:55,440
I've never been fucked up to be like what everyone else is.
1261
01:24:55,600 --> 01:24:59,800
Foresighted, efficient, employees, sowing a past that bears fruit,
1262
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:01,120
retirement points,
1263
01:25:01,280 --> 01:25:03,400
enriching accumulations in every sense of the word,
1264
01:25:03,559 --> 01:25:06,000
maintaining relationships and affinities.
1265
01:25:06,160 --> 01:25:09,240
I don't know how to play the game well and that's what excites me.
1266
01:25:09,600 --> 01:25:12,680
I'm more of a Penelope who never stops questioning the day before
1267
01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:14,200
and undoes every second.
1268
01:25:14,360 --> 01:25:16,960
So, no proof of what I thought I was building
1269
01:25:17,120 --> 01:25:18,440
until proven by 9
1270
01:25:18,600 --> 01:25:21,520
through the attitude of my children who run away from me.
1271
01:25:21,680 --> 01:25:23,680
Even my love for them is not credible.
1272
01:25:53,480 --> 01:25:56,800
I'm looking for work, you don't have any...
1273
01:25:56,960 --> 01:25:58,760
And what kind?
1274
01:25:58,920 --> 01:26:02,680
Anything because there you go... Worries.
1275
01:26:02,840 --> 01:26:04,520
1276
01:26:04,680 --> 01:26:07,200
Yes, but what are you in?
1277
01:26:08,240 --> 01:26:10,639
I don’t know. I know how to write,
1278
01:26:10,800 --> 01:26:13,400
I know how to take photos and everything.
1279
01:26:13,559 --> 01:26:16,240
And in fact, I'm still nearby...
1280
01:26:16,440 --> 01:26:21,360
I never really... So I got through it until now,
1281
01:26:21,520 --> 01:26:25,160
you see, I don't really have a job.
1282
01:26:25,320 --> 01:26:28,559
Yes but when you found it, what kind was it?
1283
01:26:28,719 --> 01:26:32,920
I was a still photographer. I was a Negro.
1284
01:26:34,559 --> 01:26:37,440
But I've always done what I wanted.
1285
01:26:37,600 --> 01:26:41,080
1286
01:26:41,240 --> 01:26:43,200
That, I trust you!
1287
01:26:43,360 --> 01:26:45,840
And I took care of my children.
1288
01:26:46,000 --> 01:26:47,320
How old are they?
1289
01:26:47,480 --> 01:26:50,040
Um... 25 and 30.
1290
01:26:50,200 --> 01:26:53,840
Ah! And then, the relationships with them?
1291
01:26:54,320 --> 01:26:56,160
They haven't killed you yet, that's one thing!
1292
01:26:56,320 --> 01:26:59,800
They haven't killed me yet, but I feel like they want to!
1293
01:26:59,960 --> 01:27:02,760
- Ah yes, that’s normal! - There you go.
1294
01:27:02,920 --> 01:27:07,000
1295
01:27:18,120 --> 01:27:22,639
1296
01:27:22,800 --> 01:27:25,600
Hello? Yes?
1297
01:27:25,760 --> 01:27:29,160
1298
01:27:29,320 --> 01:27:32,080
OK, goodbye.
1299
01:27:32,240 --> 01:27:34,559
1300
01:28:03,680 --> 01:28:07,040
I think of what Stevenson said
1301
01:28:07,200 --> 01:28:11,800
about a man who wrote and who was
an annuitant after an inheritance
1302
01:28:12,320 --> 01:28:16,520
and who knew that buying a cigar
took a few minutes of his life,
1303
01:28:16,680 --> 01:28:19,960
until the day he had nothing left.
1304
01:28:21,639 --> 01:28:24,520
Afterwards, he knew, he would commit suicide.
1305
01:28:25,920 --> 01:28:29,920
It was just a few sentences that I read,
I think, two years ago.
1306
01:28:31,240 --> 01:28:34,520
And I wonder if this bet is not the right one.
1307
01:28:36,000 --> 01:28:37,559
It is called...
1308
01:28:38,200 --> 01:28:39,920
be fed up.
1309
01:28:48,160 --> 01:28:50,480
1310
01:28:50,639 --> 01:28:53,320
And one evening, at your very large library,
1311
01:28:55,160 --> 01:28:56,760
you hanged yourself.
1312
01:28:56,920 --> 01:28:59,040
1313
01:30:17,440 --> 01:30:20,600
1314
01:30:23,480 --> 01:30:26,120
1315
01:31:05,080 --> 01:31:08,160
1316
01:31:21,440 --> 01:31:26,040
Sit there.
1317
01:31:29,320 --> 01:31:32,760
Count your fingers.
1318
01:31:33,800 --> 01:31:36,040
What else?
1319
01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:41,800
What else is there to do?
1320
01:31:41,960 --> 01:31:45,880
And I know how you feel,
1321
01:31:46,040 --> 01:31:51,400
I know you feel that you're through.
1322
01:31:51,559 --> 01:31:56,719
Ah, sit there.
1323
01:31:58,080 --> 01:32:03,080
Count, ah, count your little fingers.
1324
01:32:03,240 --> 01:32:06,320
My unhappy -
1325
01:32:06,480 --> 01:32:12,719
Oh, little girl, little girl blue
1326
01:32:39,040 --> 01:32:43,920
It's finished,
1327
01:32:45,040 --> 01:32:48,920
go to bed!
95069
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