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1
00:01:05,268 --> 00:01:08,726
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh
2
00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:12,237
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune
3
00:01:12,442 --> 00:01:15,775
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune
4
00:01:15,978 --> 00:01:18,879
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume
5
00:01:19,082 --> 00:01:23,143
It's a loverly, loverly spring
6
00:01:30,359 --> 00:01:33,954
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along
7
00:01:34,163 --> 00:01:37,257
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song
8
00:01:37,467 --> 00:01:40,265
Spring is the springiest time
For a song
9
00:01:40,470 --> 00:01:43,769
It's a loverly, loverly spring
10
00:01:44,006 --> 00:01:48,170
In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day--
11
00:01:48,411 --> 00:01:52,404
I'm sorry to say that this is not
the movie you will be watching.
12
00:01:52,882 --> 00:01:57,251
The movie you are about to see
is extremely unpleasant.
13
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,011
If you wish to see a film
about a happy little elf,
14
00:02:00,256 --> 00:02:03,521
I'm sure there is still plenty
of seating in theater number two.
15
00:02:03,726 --> 00:02:06,388
However, if you like stories
about clever
16
00:02:06,629 --> 00:02:08,824
and reasonably attractive orphans,
17
00:02:09,065 --> 00:02:12,523
suspicious fires,
carnivorous leeches,
18
00:02:12,735 --> 00:02:15,727
Italian food
and secret organizations,
19
00:02:15,972 --> 00:02:17,462
then stay
20
00:02:17,740 --> 00:02:19,867
as I retrace each and every one
21
00:02:20,076 --> 00:02:23,045
of the Baudelaire children's
woeful steps.
22
00:02:23,980 --> 00:02:26,744
My name is Lemony Snicket,
23
00:02:26,949 --> 00:02:30,146
and it is my sad duty
to document this tale.
24
00:02:31,654 --> 00:02:33,451
Violet Baudelaire, the eldest,
25
00:02:33,656 --> 00:02:37,649
was one of the finest 14-year-old
inventors in the world.
26
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:40,861
Anyone who knew Violet well could
tell she was inventing something
27
00:02:41,164 --> 00:02:44,099
when her long hair was tied up
in a ribbon.
28
00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:48,767
In a world of abandoned items
and discarded materials,
29
00:02:49,005 --> 00:02:51,997
Violet knew there
was always something.
30
00:02:52,408 --> 00:02:54,569
Something she could fashion
into nearly any device
31
00:02:54,777 --> 00:02:57,177
for nearly every occasion.
32
00:02:57,747 --> 00:03:01,114
And no one was better
to test her inventions
33
00:03:01,918 --> 00:03:03,044
than her brother.
34
00:03:04,620 --> 00:03:09,319
Klaus Baudelaire, the middle child,
loved books.
35
00:03:09,559 --> 00:03:12,221
Or, rather, the things he learned
from books.
36
00:03:12,528 --> 00:03:16,020
The Baudelaire parents had
an enormous library in their mansion.
37
00:03:16,332 --> 00:03:20,666
A room filled with thousands
of books on nearly every subject.
38
00:03:20,970 --> 00:03:22,733
And nothing pleased Klaus more
39
00:03:22,972 --> 00:03:27,671
than spending an afternoon filling up
his head with their contents.
40
00:03:27,977 --> 00:03:30,571
And everything he read
he remembered.
41
00:03:38,054 --> 00:03:42,286
Sunny, the youngest,
had a different interest.
42
00:03:42,491 --> 00:03:46,484
She liked to bite things
and had four sharp teeth.
43
00:03:47,563 --> 00:03:50,794
There was very little that Sunny
did not enjoy biting.
44
00:04:01,410 --> 00:04:03,241
Sunny was at an age when one
mostly speaks
45
00:04:03,446 --> 00:04:06,006
in a series of unintelligible shrieks.
46
00:04:06,249 --> 00:04:07,716
For instance:
47
00:04:08,317 --> 00:04:09,545
Which probably meant,
48
00:04:10,219 --> 00:04:13,518
''Look at that mysterious figure
emerging from the fog. ''
49
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,852
Or perhaps,
50
00:04:16,058 --> 00:04:18,219
''What is a banker like Mr. Poe doing
51
00:04:18,461 --> 00:04:22,363
trudging thorough the sand
to find us at Briny Beach?''
52
00:04:26,235 --> 00:04:27,634
Children,
53
00:04:27,837 --> 00:04:32,740
I'm afraid I must inform you
of an extremely unfortunate event.
54
00:04:33,776 --> 00:04:37,337
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire
55
00:04:37,546 --> 00:04:39,537
that's destroyed your entire home.
56
00:04:40,549 --> 00:04:43,245
If you have ever lost someone
very important to you,
57
00:04:43,552 --> 00:04:45,747
then you already know how it feels.
58
00:04:45,955 --> 00:04:47,286
And if you haven't,
59
00:04:47,657 --> 00:04:49,955
you cannot possibly imagine it.
60
00:04:59,335 --> 00:05:02,736
No one knows the precise cause
of the Baudelaire fire.
61
00:05:03,005 --> 00:05:05,633
My colleagues and I
have investigated the best we can.
62
00:05:05,841 --> 00:05:07,604
But all we've discovered
is that the blaze
63
00:05:07,810 --> 00:05:09,903
was started from a great distance
64
00:05:10,212 --> 00:05:13,045
through the refraction
and convergence of light.
65
00:05:13,349 --> 00:05:17,513
And within moments,
the entire mansion was in flames.
66
00:05:45,881 --> 00:05:48,645
And as mysterious as the source
of the blaze,
67
00:05:48,851 --> 00:05:52,753
other mysteries began to unfold
before the children's eyes.
68
00:05:53,289 --> 00:05:57,316
Every family has its secrets,
doors left unopened.
69
00:05:57,727 --> 00:05:59,524
But as Klaus now realized,
70
00:05:59,729 --> 00:06:03,790
the smallest discovery would send
his mind reeling with questions.
71
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:07,301
What was this spyglass hidden
in his father's desk?
72
00:06:07,536 --> 00:06:11,495
Were there other secrets about their
parents' lives yet to be revealed?
73
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:14,605
Questions he now feared
might never be answered.
74
00:06:15,811 --> 00:06:17,438
And just like that,
75
00:06:17,813 --> 00:06:21,806
the Baudelaire children
became the Baudelaire orphans.
76
00:06:23,452 --> 00:06:25,352
I tried to warn you.
77
00:06:35,064 --> 00:06:37,828
This is an excellent opportunity
to walk out of the theater,
78
00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:41,434
Iiving room or airplane
where this film is being shown.
79
00:06:42,738 --> 00:06:46,139
It's not too late to see a film
about a happy little elf.
80
00:06:47,143 --> 00:06:50,169
Yes. Come with me.
81
00:06:52,248 --> 00:06:55,547
Now, as chief officer
of Mulctuary Management
82
00:06:55,751 --> 00:06:57,480
and the executor of
your parents' estate,
83
00:06:57,686 --> 00:07:01,122
it is my legal obligation to take care
of your money till you come of age
84
00:07:01,390 --> 00:07:04,325
and to place you in the care
of your closest relative.
85
00:07:04,593 --> 00:07:07,323
So I'm taking you to live
with your dear Count Olaf,
86
00:07:07,596 --> 00:07:10,895
who resides right here in the city,
just 37 blocks away.
87
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,691
I don't think that's what ''closest''
is supposed to mean.
88
00:07:13,903 --> 00:07:15,530
We don't know a Count Olaf.
89
00:07:15,738 --> 00:07:17,035
Yes, yes, of course you do.
90
00:07:17,239 --> 00:07:19,002
He's either your third cousin
four times removed
91
00:07:19,208 --> 00:07:20,732
or your fourth cousin
three times removed.
92
00:07:22,912 --> 00:07:26,006
And he's an actor by trade.
Isn't that exciting, children?
93
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,410
You should count yourselves
lucky, children.
94
00:07:30,753 --> 00:07:34,018
This sort of generosity is rare
in a person of his profession.
95
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,262
Here we are, your new home.
96
00:07:42,231 --> 00:07:44,222
Isn't it lovely, children?
97
00:07:46,268 --> 00:07:47,565
Oh, hello.
98
00:07:48,337 --> 00:07:49,964
You must be the Baudelaires.
99
00:07:50,172 --> 00:07:51,434
Hi.
100
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,733
I was so sorry to hear
about the accident,
101
00:07:53,943 --> 00:07:56,241
but so happy to hear
you were coming here.
102
00:07:56,479 --> 00:07:58,674
Welcome. I'm Justice Strauss
of the city high court.
103
00:07:58,881 --> 00:08:02,510
I'm Violet. And this is my brother,
Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.
104
00:08:02,785 --> 00:08:04,878
Poe, Mulctuary Management.
How do you do?
105
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:06,087
Lovely.
106
00:08:06,489 --> 00:08:08,389
Your house is so beautiful.
107
00:08:08,624 --> 00:08:09,682
Thank you.
108
00:08:09,925 --> 00:08:12,985
Please don't be strangers.
You come visit me anytime you like.
109
00:08:14,797 --> 00:08:16,128
- Visit?
- You mean,
110
00:08:16,332 --> 00:08:17,629
you don't live with Count Olaf?
111
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,634
Live with--? With Count Olaf? No.
112
00:08:20,936 --> 00:08:24,633
No, no, no, no. He's--
He's my neighbor.
113
00:09:14,189 --> 00:09:16,180
Entrood.
114
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:27,594
Haven't got all day. In you go.
115
00:09:31,507 --> 00:09:36,706
Well, hello, hello, hello.
116
00:09:36,912 --> 00:09:41,144
I am your beloved Count Olaf.
117
00:09:42,518 --> 00:09:46,852
And welcome to my loverly home.
118
00:09:47,122 --> 00:09:51,821
May you find solace within
the womblike warmth of its. . .
119
00:09:53,429 --> 00:09:55,124
. . .downy plume.
120
00:09:55,731 --> 00:09:59,929
Or as the Greeks
in the ancient times would say:
121
00:10:00,336 --> 00:10:01,826
Orphanis. . .
122
00:10:02,137 --> 00:10:04,128
. . .encribo. . .
123
00:10:04,573 --> 00:10:05,972
. . .something, something, something.
124
00:10:06,241 --> 00:10:11,838
Music builds to a crescendo
Ending on the right foot
125
00:10:12,047 --> 00:10:13,878
And strike a Fosse.
126
00:10:16,051 --> 00:10:20,283
Not exactly what I was going for,
but you get the idea.
127
00:10:29,798 --> 00:10:32,460
My dear. . .
128
00:10:35,204 --> 00:10:36,671
. . .Violet.
129
00:10:37,072 --> 00:10:38,869
Enchant�.
130
00:10:42,411 --> 00:10:44,003
How do you do?
131
00:10:44,580 --> 00:10:47,174
And this must be Klaus.
132
00:10:47,383 --> 00:10:50,477
Young Klaus.
133
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,888
Your left side is the good one.
134
00:10:55,891 --> 00:10:57,620
And. . .
135
00:10:58,961 --> 00:11:00,826
. . .what is this?
136
00:11:03,532 --> 00:11:06,831
I'm sorry, I don't speak monkey.
137
00:11:07,369 --> 00:11:08,427
Banana.
138
00:11:10,673 --> 00:11:12,231
Sunny's our sister.
139
00:11:12,975 --> 00:11:17,344
I must say, you're a gloomy-looking
bunch. Why so glum?
140
00:11:18,547 --> 00:11:20,344
Our parents just died.
141
00:11:20,582 --> 00:11:24,348
Oh, yes, of course.
How very, very awful.
142
00:11:24,787 --> 00:11:27,085
Wait, let me do that one more time.
143
00:11:27,356 --> 00:11:30,348
Give me the line again.
Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind.
144
00:11:30,793 --> 00:11:32,988
Our parents just. . .
145
00:11:33,462 --> 00:11:34,394
. . .died?
146
00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:38,096
Oh, yes.
147
00:11:41,370 --> 00:11:43,099
Mr. Poe. . .
148
00:11:44,973 --> 00:11:47,498
. . .I will raise these orphans
149
00:11:47,776 --> 00:11:51,212
as if they were actually wanted.
150
00:11:51,980 --> 00:11:55,006
And though you would call it
a burden, a sacrifice,
151
00:11:55,217 --> 00:11:57,208
you are mistaken, sir.
152
00:11:57,419 --> 00:11:59,319
And should be ashamed of yourself.
153
00:11:59,521 --> 00:12:01,011
The idea.
154
00:12:05,127 --> 00:12:08,221
Anyway, where do I sign
for the fortu--? I mean. . .
155
00:12:08,764 --> 00:12:10,026
. . .children.
156
00:12:10,265 --> 00:12:15,567
You won't officially have guardianship
until the hearing on Thursday morning.
157
00:12:15,838 --> 00:12:18,671
And what am I to do with them
until then?
158
00:12:19,041 --> 00:12:20,030
Excuse me?
159
00:12:20,943 --> 00:12:22,035
What I mean is. . .
160
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:25,680
Do you work out? You look good.
Healthy, I mean.
161
00:12:26,849 --> 00:12:29,283
Well, I'd better get back to the bank.
162
00:12:29,551 --> 00:12:32,679
Can't you stay for a brief imbibement?
163
00:12:32,955 --> 00:12:35,389
A glass of port? Sanka?
164
00:12:35,591 --> 00:12:37,491
- Well, I suppose I could--
- Another time, then.
165
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:39,455
Children, if you need anything,
do feel free--
166
00:12:39,661 --> 00:12:41,253
Oh, no, we're fine. We're all fine.
167
00:12:41,463 --> 00:12:42,896
Any questions be--
168
00:12:47,603 --> 00:12:50,071
I realize that my humble abode
169
00:12:50,272 --> 00:12:53,605
isn't as fancy
as the Baudelaire mansion,
170
00:12:53,976 --> 00:12:57,070
but I'm coming into a great deal
of money soon,
171
00:12:57,246 --> 00:12:59,111
and I think it'll be
172
00:12:59,748 --> 00:13:02,216
quite charming when it's finished.
173
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,111
Shall we take a look?
174
00:13:08,757 --> 00:13:11,225
This is the living room.
175
00:13:11,927 --> 00:13:14,623
The kitchen.
I know what you're thinking:
176
00:13:14,930 --> 00:13:17,228
''This place could use a little TLC.''
177
00:13:17,466 --> 00:13:21,926
I trust you've had your tetanus shots.
Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.
178
00:13:22,137 --> 00:13:24,332
This is the entertainment
or rumpus room.
179
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,040
I'm told the ceiling can be brought
up to code in no time.
180
00:13:27,242 --> 00:13:29,267
You're not afraid of heights, are you?
181
00:13:29,845 --> 00:13:32,939
Imagine that.
A monkey afraid of heights.
182
00:13:33,549 --> 00:13:36,040
My theater.
183
00:13:36,251 --> 00:13:37,946
This way.
184
00:13:40,088 --> 00:13:41,680
What's that up there?
185
00:13:46,862 --> 00:13:48,295
The tower. . .
186
00:13:50,265 --> 00:13:52,563
. . .which you are never to enter. . .
187
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:57,703
. . .under any circumstances.
188
00:14:05,547 --> 00:14:08,243
And this is where you'll sleep,
time permitting. Nighty-night.
189
00:14:08,450 --> 00:14:11,146
- But the sun's still up.
- ''But the sun's still up.''
190
00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:13,315
I don't know
if you've ever noticed this,
191
00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:17,116
but first impressions
are often entirely wrong.
192
00:14:17,826 --> 00:14:22,320
For instance, Klaus, when Sunny
was born, didn't like her at all.
193
00:14:22,931 --> 00:14:26,833
But by the time she was six weeks old,
the two of them were thick as thieves.
194
00:14:27,069 --> 00:14:32,371
A phrase which here means,
''fetching and biting for hours on end. ''
195
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,368
In the case of Count Olaf, however. . .
196
00:14:34,676 --> 00:14:37,338
Orphans!
197
00:14:37,746 --> 00:14:39,338
. . . they were correct.
198
00:14:40,249 --> 00:14:43,047
Every morning, Count Olaf
would order the Baudelaires
199
00:14:43,252 --> 00:14:46,050
to do a great number
of terrible chores.
200
00:14:46,255 --> 00:14:50,191
After which he would stalk off
to his mysterious tower room.
201
00:14:58,033 --> 00:15:01,298
And as unfortunate
as their situation seemed,
202
00:15:02,004 --> 00:15:03,335
it was only about to get worse.
203
00:15:03,538 --> 00:15:05,199
--tub full of ice in Baja,
204
00:15:05,407 --> 00:15:08,035
and I realized that these clever girls
had stolen my kidney.
205
00:15:08,243 --> 00:15:09,710
- No!
- No!
206
00:15:09,912 --> 00:15:12,813
Imagine my surprise.
207
00:15:14,049 --> 00:15:17,041
Orphans, this is my acting troupe.
208
00:15:17,319 --> 00:15:19,310
Acting troupe, orphans.
209
00:15:19,621 --> 00:15:20,918
They don't look rich.
210
00:15:22,624 --> 00:15:24,751
Ugly little people.
211
00:15:29,531 --> 00:15:32,432
Why aren't you children in the kitchen
preparing our dinner?
212
00:15:33,035 --> 00:15:34,059
Dinner?
213
00:15:34,336 --> 00:15:36,827
It's the French word
for the evening meal.
214
00:15:40,776 --> 00:15:43,267
On the back. Flip it.
215
00:15:46,148 --> 00:15:48,082
We'll take it in the dining room
at 8:00.
216
00:15:48,283 --> 00:15:50,774
And we'll expect absolute silence
while we're rehearsing our play.
217
00:15:51,053 --> 00:15:53,988
- But we've never made dinner before.
- It's already 7:30.
218
00:15:54,256 --> 00:15:55,188
Eight o'clock!
219
00:16:14,009 --> 00:16:15,806
Pasta it is.
220
00:16:16,011 --> 00:16:19,742
Okay. Let's start casting this puppy.
221
00:16:22,017 --> 00:16:23,314
Now,
222
00:16:24,319 --> 00:16:26,150
who shall play
223
00:16:26,521 --> 00:16:29,957
the most handsome count
in all the world?
224
00:16:35,230 --> 00:16:37,164
Would you do it, sir?
225
00:16:38,166 --> 00:16:39,360
Oh, all right.
226
00:16:39,668 --> 00:16:43,229
''Pasta puttanesca.'' That's ltalian
for ''very few ingredients,'' you know.
227
00:16:43,538 --> 00:16:44,732
That's great.
228
00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:47,235
Sunny. Little help.
229
00:16:49,077 --> 00:16:51,443
- Okay, we're gonna need a pot.
- No pot.
230
00:16:51,646 --> 00:16:54,171
- And a strainer.
- No strainer.
231
00:16:55,650 --> 00:16:56,639
Thank you.
232
00:16:58,887 --> 00:16:59,979
And a saucepan.
233
00:17:00,288 --> 00:17:04,190
This is a little piece I like to call
''Electric Chair.''
234
00:17:09,698 --> 00:17:12,724
I think you might have to turn it up.
235
00:17:13,702 --> 00:17:15,329
Is anybody out there?!
236
00:17:18,707 --> 00:17:20,800
Strainer. That's brilliant.
237
00:17:21,009 --> 00:17:22,306
Sunny, how's that pot coming?
238
00:17:25,947 --> 00:17:30,850
Sunny, that's not a pot.
It's a spittoon.
239
00:17:31,119 --> 00:17:33,610
A spittoon? You mean, like. . .?
240
00:17:35,424 --> 00:17:36,516
We'll wash it twice.
241
00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:40,920
Well?
242
00:17:41,229 --> 00:17:43,129
It's good. It's really good.
243
00:17:43,331 --> 00:17:44,298
Time check.
244
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,629
Let's go back to prehistoric times,
245
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:51,133
when dinosaurs ruled the earth.
246
00:18:04,886 --> 00:18:07,377
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.
247
00:18:07,622 --> 00:18:09,590
Baudelaire orphans
to the courtesy desk.
248
00:18:22,137 --> 00:18:23,195
What do you want?
249
00:18:23,839 --> 00:18:25,704
Dinner is served.
250
00:18:29,144 --> 00:18:30,236
Puttanesca.
251
00:18:30,612 --> 00:18:31,943
What did you call me?
252
00:18:32,447 --> 00:18:35,610
It's pasta. Pasta puttanesca.
253
00:18:35,851 --> 00:18:37,546
Where's the roast beef?
254
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,810
Roast beef?
255
00:18:40,322 --> 00:18:41,949
Beef. Yes. Roast beef.
256
00:18:42,824 --> 00:18:46,123
It's the Swedish term for beef
that is roasted.
257
00:18:47,662 --> 00:18:50,358
But you didn't tell us
you wanted roast beef.
258
00:18:54,836 --> 00:18:59,603
You know, there's a big world out there
filled with desperate orphans
259
00:18:59,808 --> 00:19:02,368
who would gladly swim across
an ocean of thumbtacks
260
00:19:02,577 --> 00:19:07,776
just to be eclipsed by the long shadow
that is cast by my accomplishments.
261
00:19:08,283 --> 00:19:10,274
But I don't care about them.
262
00:19:10,886 --> 00:19:13,582
I chose to open my heart
263
00:19:14,022 --> 00:19:17,321
to you two loverly children
264
00:19:17,692 --> 00:19:19,785
and your hideous primate.
265
00:19:19,995 --> 00:19:23,431
All I ask in return is that you do each
and every thing that pops into my head
266
00:19:23,632 --> 00:19:27,796
while I enjoy the enormous fortune
your parents left behind.
267
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,636
- No.
- Why, you litt--
268
00:19:46,121 --> 00:19:50,217
It's time you children learned
a little respect.
269
00:19:50,458 --> 00:19:51,550
You put her down!
270
00:19:54,329 --> 00:19:55,921
You monster!
271
00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:01,531
You all saw it. The boy slipped.
272
00:20:01,736 --> 00:20:04,227
You won't get a cent
until Violet turns 18.
273
00:20:04,873 --> 00:20:06,670
Oh, really?
274
00:20:07,242 --> 00:20:08,174
Says who?
275
00:20:08,443 --> 00:20:09,933
The law. Look it up.
276
00:20:10,145 --> 00:20:12,545
We're going to call Mr. Poe
about this right now.
277
00:20:20,655 --> 00:20:21,952
Are you?
278
00:20:24,759 --> 00:20:27,387
I'm very disappointed
in you, children.
279
00:20:30,565 --> 00:20:32,499
Where were we?
280
00:20:33,201 --> 00:20:34,566
Are you okay?
281
00:20:34,769 --> 00:20:36,259
No.
282
00:20:39,975 --> 00:20:41,272
Klaus, what are you doing?
283
00:20:41,509 --> 00:20:43,500
- I'm going.
- Going where?
284
00:20:43,712 --> 00:20:44,974
Home.
285
00:20:45,513 --> 00:20:47,572
This is our home now.
286
00:20:49,985 --> 00:20:51,680
This is not home.
287
00:20:52,187 --> 00:20:54,781
Home is where your parents
put you to bed at night.
288
00:20:55,090 --> 00:20:56,523
Where they teach you to ride a bike.
289
00:20:56,825 --> 00:20:59,919
Or where they get all choked up
on your first day of school.
290
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:02,460
This is not home.
291
00:21:06,234 --> 00:21:08,065
How could they do this to us?
292
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:09,430
They're just bad people.
293
00:21:09,971 --> 00:21:12,030
Not them. Mom and Dad.
294
00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:13,832
- Klaus!
- What?
295
00:21:14,042 --> 00:21:17,068
Violet, you're thinking it too.
How could they?
296
00:21:17,345 --> 00:21:18,972
They had no plan for us at all?
297
00:21:19,247 --> 00:21:21,340
Well, maybe they did have a plan.
298
00:21:22,150 --> 00:21:24,141
Well, sure looks like it to me.
299
00:21:31,993 --> 00:21:35,053
Do you remember
when Mom and Dad went to Europe?
300
00:21:36,064 --> 00:21:39,261
And we thought they'd abandoned us
because they didn't even write.
301
00:21:39,467 --> 00:21:41,162
Then we found out they'd written
a long letter.
302
00:21:41,369 --> 00:21:42,666
It had just gotten lost in the mail.
303
00:21:42,871 --> 00:21:46,363
Do you remember how guilty we felt
for thinking bad thoughts about them?
304
00:21:47,909 --> 00:21:49,069
This is just like that.
305
00:21:50,278 --> 00:21:51,677
No, it's not.
306
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:53,808
Why?
307
00:21:56,117 --> 00:22:00,019
Because they're not in Europe.
They're not coming back.
308
00:22:07,228 --> 00:22:11,358
Do you think anything
will ever feel like home again?
309
00:22:24,946 --> 00:22:26,436
''Sanctuary''
310
00:22:26,748 --> 00:22:32,050
is a word which here means, ''a small,
safe place in a troubling world. ''
311
00:22:33,254 --> 00:22:38,248
Like an oasis in a vast desert
or an island in a stormy sea.
312
00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,290
The Baudelaires enjoyed their evening
in the sanctuary they'd built together.
313
00:22:41,496 --> 00:22:42,463
I see it. I see it.
314
00:22:42,664 --> 00:22:47,067
But in their hearts they knew that
the troubling world lay just outside.
315
00:22:47,268 --> 00:22:51,102
A world which, I'm sad to say,
can be described in two dismal words.
316
00:22:51,406 --> 00:22:53,271
Custody granted.
317
00:22:56,111 --> 00:22:59,706
Thank you, Your Honor.
Nice doing business with you.
318
00:23:06,755 --> 00:23:11,215
Children, I've been contemplating
our situation,
319
00:23:11,426 --> 00:23:16,625
and I realize that I've been
a bit standoffish, shall we say.
320
00:23:16,931 --> 00:23:19,229
Which in this case is a big,
big word meaning--
321
00:23:19,434 --> 00:23:20,765
Pure evil.
322
00:23:21,035 --> 00:23:23,526
--tough, but fair.
323
00:23:24,072 --> 00:23:26,768
But now that we're family,
I can make it up to you.
324
00:23:26,975 --> 00:23:30,138
I can be the ultimate dad.
325
00:23:30,478 --> 00:23:32,844
I know. Let's stop for a treat.
326
00:23:37,552 --> 00:23:39,144
Soda. Soda. Banana.
327
00:23:41,556 --> 00:23:42,750
Got it.
328
00:24:02,410 --> 00:24:06,403
Violet, where'd the locks go?
329
00:24:13,955 --> 00:24:17,721
Hello. I'm going on a perfectly
innocent ride in the country
330
00:24:17,926 --> 00:24:20,224
with my kids, whom I love.
331
00:24:20,462 --> 00:24:22,123
Is that clock correct?
332
00:24:28,236 --> 00:24:29,828
What is it?
333
00:24:30,839 --> 00:24:32,932
I think it's a schedule.
334
00:24:53,461 --> 00:24:58,023
Kiwi Watermelon Surprise. My favorite.
335
00:25:09,143 --> 00:25:10,303
Go!
336
00:25:16,017 --> 00:25:18,611
- He took the keys.
- Try everything.
337
00:25:27,028 --> 00:25:30,520
Chit-chattery chipmunks all singing--
338
00:25:33,568 --> 00:25:35,035
Count Olaf? Hello. Poe.
339
00:25:35,236 --> 00:25:38,171
I'm calling you back about
that inheritance question you raised.
340
00:25:38,439 --> 00:25:40,168
- Mr. Poe, thank goodness.
- Who is this?
341
00:25:40,441 --> 00:25:42,341
It's Violet Baudelaire.
We're in Count Olaf's car.
342
00:25:42,544 --> 00:25:44,341
Oh, hello, Violet.
Well, where's Count Olaf?
343
00:25:44,579 --> 00:25:45,671
He's not here right now, but--
344
00:25:45,947 --> 00:25:47,847
You're driving the car alone?
345
00:25:48,082 --> 00:25:50,846
No. We're-- The car's on the train
tracks, and the train is coming.
346
00:25:51,085 --> 00:25:55,545
I'm sorry, Violet, I can't hear a thing.
I'm driving next to a train!
347
00:25:55,790 --> 00:25:57,985
We're going to be hit by a train.
348
00:25:58,192 --> 00:26:01,684
Right. Yes. I can't hear
because of the train!
349
00:26:01,896 --> 00:26:05,195
I'll call you back when I get
to the bank! Goodbye!
350
00:26:10,905 --> 00:26:15,501
Klaus, you've read books on trains.
What do we do?
351
00:26:22,250 --> 00:26:23,547
The track switcher.
352
00:26:23,851 --> 00:26:25,011
There!
353
00:26:28,756 --> 00:26:29,848
It's too far away.
354
00:26:30,124 --> 00:26:33,025
No. There has to be something
we can use to pull it.
355
00:26:33,227 --> 00:26:36,162
- There's nothing in here.
- There's always something.
356
00:26:38,132 --> 00:26:40,032
Sunny, bite the head off that elf.
357
00:27:15,203 --> 00:27:16,295
Quick, pull it back in.
358
00:27:22,910 --> 00:27:24,810
- Violet.
- I got it.
359
00:27:25,113 --> 00:27:26,740
I don't mean to rush you.
360
00:27:33,021 --> 00:27:34,648
- Nice shot.
- Thank you. Pull.
361
00:28:35,950 --> 00:28:40,853
Mr. Poe. Dear Mr. Poe. Can't we
discuss this like reasonable men?
362
00:28:41,055 --> 00:28:42,454
I'm sorry, Count Olaf.
363
00:28:42,657 --> 00:28:44,625
Allowing a child of Sunny's age
to drive a car
364
00:28:44,859 --> 00:28:45,951
is simply not good parenting.
365
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:47,218
He tried to kill us.
366
00:28:47,428 --> 00:28:50,727
Let us not exaggerate, Klaus.
The vehicle was not even in gear.
367
00:28:51,532 --> 00:28:56,231
May I have a moment
alone with the children?
368
00:29:00,875 --> 00:29:02,274
Goodbye, kids.
369
00:29:02,877 --> 00:29:04,401
It's been fun.
370
00:29:04,679 --> 00:29:06,476
I'm going to get you.
No matter where you go,
371
00:29:06,681 --> 00:29:09,673
no matter what you do, I'll find you.
372
00:29:10,118 --> 00:29:12,712
You are so deceased.
373
00:29:18,092 --> 00:29:19,787
Take them, Mr. Poe. . .
374
00:29:21,195 --> 00:29:23,493
. . .before I lose it, bigtime.
375
00:29:24,699 --> 00:29:26,291
Trumping a talentless villain
376
00:29:26,601 --> 00:29:29,729
might seem all in a day's work
for three ingenious orphans.
377
00:29:30,138 --> 00:29:32,402
But the Baudelaires
savored their victory
378
00:29:32,607 --> 00:29:35,235
as they sped
towards their new home.
379
00:29:35,510 --> 00:29:37,705
What lay ahead for them
was unclear,
380
00:29:37,945 --> 00:29:40,140
but they remained
cautiously optimistic
381
00:29:40,348 --> 00:29:43,408
that their next guardian would be
better than the last.
382
00:29:43,651 --> 00:29:47,314
Or at least wouldn't try
to flatten them with a train.
383
00:29:53,828 --> 00:29:56,922
Do you know
what kind of scientist he is?
384
00:29:57,131 --> 00:29:59,725
No, I don't. I was far too busy
making arrangements for you three.
385
00:29:59,934 --> 00:30:01,128
I didn't have time for chitchat.
386
00:30:01,369 --> 00:30:02,631
Hello!
387
00:30:03,337 --> 00:30:07,171
Oh, my goodness.
388
00:30:07,441 --> 00:30:10,274
Look at you. You must be Violet.
389
00:30:10,478 --> 00:30:12,673
Do you remember me?
I don't suppose so.
390
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,939
You were just a little baby
at the time.
391
00:30:15,249 --> 00:30:18,446
And, Klaus, we've never met.
How do you d--?
392
00:30:19,153 --> 00:30:22,281
What a firm grip.
Like a Burmese python.
393
00:30:22,590 --> 00:30:27,892
And Sunny. Little Sunny. You look
so much like your dear mother.
394
00:30:28,362 --> 00:30:31,854
Thank you very much, Mr. Poe.
I'll take it from here.
395
00:30:32,567 --> 00:30:34,364
Oh, perhaps I should come inside.
396
00:30:34,569 --> 00:30:36,059
Oh, by all means.
397
00:30:36,871 --> 00:30:38,668
You could help us pick out
the gut worms
398
00:30:38,873 --> 00:30:40,670
from the bowel of the Viscid Boa.
399
00:30:41,309 --> 00:30:44,369
Children, remember,
if you need me anytime,
400
00:30:44,579 --> 00:30:48,015
you can reach me by phone or fax.
401
00:30:48,282 --> 00:30:49,408
Good day.
402
00:30:53,421 --> 00:30:55,389
Well, we got rid of him, didn't we?
403
00:30:55,690 --> 00:30:58,853
Come in. Come in. There's not
much time, and we have to pack.
404
00:31:00,027 --> 00:31:01,221
Pack?
405
00:31:03,664 --> 00:31:04,722
Did you say ''pack''?
406
00:31:04,932 --> 00:31:08,231
Oh, yes. We have to pack
all the equipment.
407
00:31:08,636 --> 00:31:11,036
Then there's the essentials,
like clothing and such.
408
00:31:11,239 --> 00:31:13,730
And we have to tag all of the snakes
who are coming with us.
409
00:31:13,941 --> 00:31:15,033
Coming where?
410
00:31:15,243 --> 00:31:17,370
Oh, did I mention we're going
to Peru?
411
00:31:17,578 --> 00:31:19,944
- No.
- Yes, we're going to Peru.
412
00:31:20,147 --> 00:31:23,378
Tomorrow morning.
Isn't that exciting?
413
00:31:23,651 --> 00:31:25,084
This way to the Reptile Room.
414
00:31:27,788 --> 00:31:30,757
Welcome to my humble abode.
415
00:31:31,158 --> 00:31:33,752
You children know anything
about snakes?
416
00:31:34,462 --> 00:31:36,089
Only what I've read in books.
417
00:31:36,497 --> 00:31:38,260
No, not very much.
418
00:31:38,966 --> 00:31:43,062
Well, we may have one or two things
here that aren't in books.
419
00:31:44,171 --> 00:31:48,767
I'll just put the big fellow in his bed and
introduce you to a few of me friends.
420
00:31:49,677 --> 00:31:51,110
Over here. . .
421
00:31:51,312 --> 00:31:52,609
That's the two-headed cobra.
422
00:31:52,813 --> 00:31:54,781
Well spotted.
423
00:31:54,982 --> 00:31:56,472
Is that a he or a she?
424
00:31:56,884 --> 00:31:59,250
I have no idea.
Didn't think it polite to ask.
425
00:31:59,820 --> 00:32:03,415
And over here,
the Tibetan Third-Eye Toad.
426
00:32:03,624 --> 00:32:07,025
We can't stop this fellow chanting.
Om. Ribbit.
427
00:32:07,428 --> 00:32:11,262
And now, children, you have
to see my latest discovery.
428
00:32:11,465 --> 00:32:16,266
Found him in Tanzania. One of a kind.
The lncredibly Deadly Viper.
429
00:32:16,938 --> 00:32:21,534
My assistant, Gustav, and I may be
the only people ever to have seen him.
430
00:32:48,269 --> 00:32:51,761
Oh, I'm sorry. My ribbon just jammed.
431
00:32:51,973 --> 00:32:53,964
Let me just adjust it here.
432
00:32:55,710 --> 00:32:56,677
Right.
433
00:32:56,877 --> 00:32:57,844
There we are.
434
00:32:58,145 --> 00:32:59,305
Now,
435
00:33:00,014 --> 00:33:01,140
where was I?
436
00:33:01,415 --> 00:33:04,111
Oh, yes. The attack
of the Incredibly Deadly Viper.
437
00:33:05,419 --> 00:33:08,513
Not to worry, little one.
You're all right.
438
00:33:08,723 --> 00:33:11,419
It can't possibly harm you.
Here we go.
439
00:33:11,759 --> 00:33:14,922
The lncredibly Deadly Viper
couldn't have possibly harmed her?
440
00:33:15,129 --> 00:33:16,858
No. No, no, no, no.
441
00:33:18,933 --> 00:33:20,423
It's a big softy.
442
00:33:20,735 --> 00:33:23,226
One of the least harmful
and most friendly creatures
443
00:33:23,437 --> 00:33:24,734
in the animal kingdom.
444
00:33:24,939 --> 00:33:26,065
It's a misnomer.
445
00:33:26,273 --> 00:33:29,640
I only called him that to play a prank
on those stuffed shirts
446
00:33:29,844 --> 00:33:31,835
down at the Herpetological Society.
447
00:33:32,079 --> 00:33:34,843
Uncle Monty,
why are we going to Peru?
448
00:33:35,282 --> 00:33:37,079
Just this morning I was wondering,
449
00:33:37,351 --> 00:33:39,546
''How are we all going to get
out of town together?''
450
00:33:39,787 --> 00:33:43,245
And I thought, ''Peru.''
They have snakes in Peru, don't they?
451
00:33:43,457 --> 00:33:45,948
But why are we getting out of town?
452
00:33:47,595 --> 00:33:51,554
Violet, do you know snakes are more
afraid of you than you are of them?
453
00:33:52,967 --> 00:33:54,457
Few people do.
454
00:33:55,269 --> 00:33:57,737
When threatened,
a snake will retreat to a place
455
00:33:57,938 --> 00:34:01,203
that is quiet, safe, remote.
456
00:34:02,309 --> 00:34:07,337
A sanctuary.
Where it can feel out of danger.
457
00:34:09,250 --> 00:34:10,911
That's why Peru.
458
00:34:15,322 --> 00:34:17,722
Wait, that spyglass.
I saw one just like that in our dad's--
459
00:34:17,925 --> 00:34:19,722
Plenty of time for chitchat later.
460
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,724
But right now, what I need
is an inventor,
461
00:34:22,930 --> 00:34:24,261
a reader
462
00:34:24,465 --> 00:34:26,126
and a biter.
463
00:34:26,333 --> 00:34:27,425
Know any?
464
00:34:34,975 --> 00:34:39,469
High upon Highlands
And low upon Tay
465
00:34:40,781 --> 00:34:45,980
Bonnie George Campbell
Rode out on a day
466
00:34:46,987 --> 00:34:51,981
Saddled and bridled
So gallant rode he
467
00:34:52,860 --> 00:34:57,797
Home came his good horse
But never came he
468
00:35:00,134 --> 00:35:03,797
Petunia, what have I told you
about this?
469
00:35:04,004 --> 00:35:06,302
She thinks I'm a tree, you know.
470
00:35:07,108 --> 00:35:11,909
I think I know that song. I think-- I think
our parents used to play it for us.
471
00:35:12,113 --> 00:35:15,241
They certainly did. As I did for mine.
472
00:35:15,449 --> 00:35:17,940
- You had children?
- Oh, yes.
473
00:35:18,652 --> 00:35:21,018
And a wife and a home.
474
00:35:22,723 --> 00:35:23,815
Until the fire.
475
00:35:25,226 --> 00:35:26,523
A fire?
476
00:35:28,028 --> 00:35:31,020
I may know better than anyone
what you're going through.
477
00:35:32,533 --> 00:35:34,125
But it's gonna be all right.
478
00:35:34,668 --> 00:35:39,162
We'll be among people who
understand us. People who are like us.
479
00:35:39,673 --> 00:35:41,834
People who appreciate
unique children
480
00:35:42,042 --> 00:35:47,344
who can read and invent
and bite things.
481
00:35:49,750 --> 00:35:52,844
Uncle Monty, why are you doing
all this for us?
482
00:35:54,555 --> 00:35:56,682
Isn't that what family does?
483
00:35:57,525 --> 00:36:00,983
''And so the Baudelaire children
went to Peru
484
00:36:01,195 --> 00:36:02,924
and together had
wonderful adventures
485
00:36:03,130 --> 00:36:06,497
with their loving
and wonderful new guardian.
486
00:36:07,201 --> 00:36:09,192
The end. ''
487
00:36:11,005 --> 00:36:13,701
These are the words
I desperately wish I could type.
488
00:36:14,008 --> 00:36:18,308
Oh, I would give anything
to say that the story ends here.
489
00:36:18,512 --> 00:36:21,208
But alas, my mission is
not to weave happy endings
490
00:36:21,382 --> 00:36:24,715
where they do not occur
but to report the actual events
491
00:36:24,919 --> 00:36:28,047
in the lives of the unfortunate
Baudelaire children.
492
00:36:29,056 --> 00:36:30,921
And as much as it pains me,
493
00:36:31,125 --> 00:36:34,925
I must confess that their troubles
had only just begun.
494
00:36:35,129 --> 00:36:38,223
And it did so with two musical notes.
495
00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:54,742
Hello.
496
00:36:54,949 --> 00:36:59,579
I am looking
for Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.
497
00:37:01,388 --> 00:37:04,880
I am Stephano. I am an ltalian man,
498
00:37:05,226 --> 00:37:10,528
and I am here to assist him
in his research as best I can.
499
00:37:10,731 --> 00:37:14,895
As well as to facilitate
and remain observatory.
500
00:37:15,102 --> 00:37:16,592
You're Count Olaf.
501
00:37:21,809 --> 00:37:25,210
Now, why would you say
something like that?
502
00:37:25,746 --> 00:37:29,443
I have never met such a person
as a Count Olaf,
503
00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:32,116
but if I had,
504
00:37:32,319 --> 00:37:36,915
I'm sure he would look and sound
completely different.
505
00:37:37,324 --> 00:37:39,451
You're Olaf,
and we're not letting you in.
506
00:37:45,532 --> 00:37:50,128
Well, perhaps you should re-evaluate
your hypothesis.
507
00:37:50,838 --> 00:37:54,831
Anyway, that's why you should
never run with one of these, kids.
508
00:37:55,042 --> 00:37:57,602
Words of wisdom indeed,
Mr. Stephano.
509
00:37:57,811 --> 00:38:00,405
Oops, you caught me being
a mentor.
510
00:38:00,681 --> 00:38:03,616
And bless you for coming
at such short notice.
511
00:38:03,884 --> 00:38:05,476
Not at all, not at all.
512
00:38:05,719 --> 00:38:09,587
My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick
and phoned not one hour ago.
513
00:38:09,790 --> 00:38:12,281
He'd give anything
to be here right now.
514
00:38:15,896 --> 00:38:17,796
Thank goodness you were available.
515
00:38:18,032 --> 00:38:22,935
Well, I am a fan, if I may gush.
516
00:38:23,203 --> 00:38:26,434
Your work has profoundly influenced
my research
517
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:29,803
up at the Monterey Bay Aquarium. . .
518
00:38:31,512 --> 00:38:32,809
. . .on the sea snake.
519
00:38:33,414 --> 00:38:35,939
It's a very volatile animal.
520
00:38:36,250 --> 00:38:41,552
- Perhaps we should--
- I've been bitten 43. . . 700 times.
521
00:38:42,122 --> 00:38:43,555
Mostly on the face.
522
00:38:43,757 --> 00:38:46,726
A lot of this has been reconstructed.
523
00:38:47,027 --> 00:38:48,517
But I think they did one heck of a job,
524
00:38:48,729 --> 00:38:52,028
even though my mustache
is a tad askew.
525
00:38:55,235 --> 00:38:58,602
I wonder if I could get the kids
to help me in with my bags.
526
00:38:58,872 --> 00:39:01,966
My left side is somewhat
neurologically challenged.
527
00:39:02,209 --> 00:39:03,870
- But of course. Children--
- Uncle Monty--
528
00:39:04,178 --> 00:39:08,274
Please. Let us not be rude
to our guest.
529
00:39:08,582 --> 00:39:09,776
Now, go on.
530
00:39:11,085 --> 00:39:12,484
What's he up to?
531
00:39:12,686 --> 00:39:13,675
I don't know.
532
00:39:13,921 --> 00:39:18,324
There is no good moment, of course,
for a notorious villain to arrive.
533
00:39:18,525 --> 00:39:20,493
But the timing
of Olaf's reappearance,
534
00:39:20,694 --> 00:39:24,186
just when Dr. Montgomery's secret
could be revealed to the children,
535
00:39:24,398 --> 00:39:27,094
was almost more
than Klaus could bear.
536
00:39:27,301 --> 00:39:28,598
Violet, listen to me.
537
00:39:29,036 --> 00:39:32,335
Monty's spyglass. I saw
the exact same one in Dad's desk.
538
00:39:33,140 --> 00:39:36,109
- Klaus, it's just a coincidence.
- Violet, no.
539
00:39:36,310 --> 00:39:38,210
Everything happens for a reason.
540
00:39:38,412 --> 00:39:41,711
Now, the children will be helping us
extensively with the research in Peru.
541
00:39:41,915 --> 00:39:43,348
Do you have experience
with children?
542
00:39:43,617 --> 00:39:46,848
Children are strange
and foreign to me.
543
00:39:47,821 --> 00:39:49,220
I never really was one.
544
00:39:49,423 --> 00:39:52,824
I know that they are
an important part of the ecosystem.
545
00:39:53,127 --> 00:39:55,027
He's never gonna let us alone
with Monty.
546
00:39:55,229 --> 00:39:56,628
We've gotta get a message to him.
547
00:39:57,331 --> 00:39:58,730
Leave that to me.
548
00:40:00,033 --> 00:40:02,228
I was feeding the moray,
549
00:40:02,669 --> 00:40:06,435
and of course, I got cocky.
550
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:10,474
And that's all it takes.
That's all it takes, is one time.
551
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:14,440
Just once.
552
00:40:14,681 --> 00:40:17,445
I had the kipper in my mouth,
and I offered it.
553
00:40:17,751 --> 00:40:21,187
And there was a team from
National Geographic that were there.
554
00:40:21,455 --> 00:40:22,786
They were filming the whole thing.
555
00:40:22,990 --> 00:40:26,482
And, well, a lot of people don't
know this about the moray,
556
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:29,456
but you think, you know, ''This can't be
a tremendously strong animal.''
557
00:40:29,663 --> 00:40:31,961
I mean, sure, it has a certain amount
of strength,
558
00:40:32,166 --> 00:40:35,499
but how does it pull a man's face
into a cave?
559
00:40:36,003 --> 00:40:38,164
Anyway, long story short,
560
00:40:38,405 --> 00:40:40,703
the bends,
a reconstructive surgery. . .
561
00:40:40,908 --> 00:40:46,073
But yes, from my understanding,
Peru is a wonderful place.
562
00:40:46,380 --> 00:40:48,211
The beaches. The people.
563
00:40:48,482 --> 00:40:49,676
The relaxed guardianship laws.
564
00:40:51,118 --> 00:40:53,018
Relaxed guardianship laws?
565
00:40:54,788 --> 00:40:56,221
Did I say that?
566
00:40:57,758 --> 00:40:59,123
Darn neurotoxins.
567
00:40:59,526 --> 00:41:03,860
Oh, Stephano, you have
a wonderful gift for storytelling.
568
00:41:04,164 --> 00:41:06,860
- Doesn't he, children?
- Oh, yeah.
569
00:41:07,067 --> 00:41:10,127
I was wondering if you wouldn't mind
milking Petunia for me.
570
00:41:10,337 --> 00:41:15,639
Petunia. Well, the milking. . .
Now, see, what I was--
571
00:41:15,843 --> 00:41:17,037
Could I just. . .?
572
00:41:17,244 --> 00:41:20,145
Yeah, sure. I'll take a shot at that.
573
00:41:20,581 --> 00:41:24,244
Now, they used to call me Old
MacDonald up at the milking lab there,
574
00:41:24,451 --> 00:41:26,385
because I'd milk these things
all day long.
575
00:41:26,653 --> 00:41:30,384
But the little udders
are hard to locate.
576
00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:34,951
Anyway, why don't you take that
577
00:41:35,162 --> 00:41:37,960
and go ahead and start the party
without me, and then. . .
578
00:41:38,265 --> 00:41:43,259
I'm not sure I brought my milking gear.
I'll take a gander.
579
00:41:54,781 --> 00:41:56,078
Is he still watching?
580
00:41:57,417 --> 00:41:58,509
Yes.
581
00:41:59,019 --> 00:42:00,953
Don't look at me.
Pretend you're talking to Klaus.
582
00:42:01,221 --> 00:42:03,018
Okay.
583
00:42:03,223 --> 00:42:06,522
I got your message.
Don't worry. I know.
584
00:42:06,727 --> 00:42:08,718
- You do?
- Yes.
585
00:42:08,929 --> 00:42:11,864
A moray eel would never eat kippers.
Far too salty.
586
00:42:12,232 --> 00:42:14,564
And did you see the way he kept
glancing into my satchel,
587
00:42:14,768 --> 00:42:16,929
where I keep
the exotic snake venoms?
588
00:42:17,237 --> 00:42:21,139
You children were right.
Stephano is an imposter.
589
00:42:21,341 --> 00:42:22,330
Yes.
590
00:42:22,543 --> 00:42:24,238
He's a spy from
the Herpetological Society.
591
00:42:24,444 --> 00:42:26,639
He's here to steal
the lncredibly Deadly Viper.
592
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:27,847
- No.
- No. Uncle Monty--
593
00:42:30,350 --> 00:42:35,652
Darn. All finished. I was
so looking forward to the milking.
594
00:42:36,557 --> 00:42:38,889
Isn't it about time you kids
went to bed?
595
00:42:39,092 --> 00:42:43,051
Absolutely.
Early start tomorrow, children.
596
00:42:43,263 --> 00:42:44,491
Off you go.
597
00:42:45,465 --> 00:42:46,591
Good night.
598
00:42:52,072 --> 00:42:55,667
Oh, and if you kids should get
restless during the night,
599
00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:59,605
I'm right down the hall,
and I'm a very light sleeper.
600
00:42:59,913 --> 00:43:04,316
In fact, I hardly sleep at all.
601
00:43:16,363 --> 00:43:18,524
Do you have a hall pass?
602
00:43:22,135 --> 00:43:24,035
I didn't think so.
603
00:43:24,838 --> 00:43:28,672
Oh, Petunia, I'm going to miss you.
604
00:43:29,943 --> 00:43:33,037
You're such a good girl, aren't you?
605
00:43:33,947 --> 00:43:35,574
Such a pretty girl.
606
00:43:36,149 --> 00:43:39,448
You are. Yes, you are.
607
00:43:41,488 --> 00:43:44,082
Oh, yes, you are.
608
00:43:45,492 --> 00:43:48,393
It is a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.
609
00:43:50,664 --> 00:43:52,256
Uncle Monty?
610
00:43:52,466 --> 00:43:55,401
It's like walking up the stairs
to your bedroom in the dark
611
00:43:55,602 --> 00:43:58,901
and thinking that there's
one more stair than there is.
612
00:43:59,539 --> 00:44:01,700
Your foot falls down through the air,
613
00:44:01,908 --> 00:44:05,105
and there's a sickly moment
of dark surprise.
614
00:44:07,247 --> 00:44:08,236
Uncle Monty?
615
00:44:14,021 --> 00:44:16,512
The children's grief
was not only for their uncle
616
00:44:16,823 --> 00:44:20,315
but for that tender hope that they
may have found home again.
617
00:44:20,627 --> 00:44:23,721
A hope which, thanks to a villainous
actor, was now slowly tumbling away.
618
00:44:30,037 --> 00:44:32,835
I do feel somewhat responsible
for this tragedy.
619
00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:36,237
I should've taken it upon myself
to warn him
620
00:44:36,476 --> 00:44:38,034
that the lncredibly Deadly Viper
621
00:44:38,245 --> 00:44:41,237
is the most deadly snake
in the entire ecosystem.
622
00:44:41,448 --> 00:44:44,440
I should know. I discovered it.
623
00:44:44,651 --> 00:44:45,982
You what?
624
00:44:46,253 --> 00:44:47,481
Detective?
625
00:44:48,388 --> 00:44:52,347
Little girl, the big cage door is open,
no snake. Dead guy.
626
00:44:52,559 --> 00:44:53,787
You know what I'm thinking?
627
00:44:53,994 --> 00:44:56,861
I'm thinking, ''Who woke me up
at 9 in the morning for this?''
628
00:44:57,497 --> 00:45:00,295
It's definitely a snake bite.
There's no question about it.
629
00:45:00,500 --> 00:45:02,297
Snake bite, no question about it.
Thanks, doc.
630
00:45:02,536 --> 00:45:05,403
You don't understand, the lncredibly
Deadly Viper couldn't have killed him,
631
00:45:05,605 --> 00:45:08,096
because it's one of the least dangerous
and most friendly creatures
632
00:45:08,308 --> 00:45:09,502
in the animal kingdom.
633
00:45:09,810 --> 00:45:11,505
You mind if I skip the paperwork
on this?
634
00:45:11,812 --> 00:45:16,112
I think that'd be best. These kids
have been through a major upheaval.
635
00:45:16,717 --> 00:45:20,153
I wonder if it's a good idea, even,
to change their plans at this point.
636
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:23,114
We were headed for Peru tomorrow,
637
00:45:23,356 --> 00:45:25,722
- and the tickets are nonrefundable.
- No.
638
00:45:25,926 --> 00:45:26,915
Doc, what do you think?
639
00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:29,720
Could be the only chance
for them to get closure.
640
00:45:31,064 --> 00:45:32,429
Closure. Thank you, doc.
641
00:45:32,632 --> 00:45:34,725
From interviews with witnesses
who were there that day,
642
00:45:34,935 --> 00:45:38,564
I have learned the following about
the youngest Baudelaire's plan:
643
00:45:38,839 --> 00:45:40,568
Brave Sunny started here
644
00:45:40,841 --> 00:45:42,536
and approached
the Incredibly Deadly Viper
645
00:45:42,743 --> 00:45:44,836
with single-minded determination.
646
00:45:45,145 --> 00:45:48,342
No, he's Count Olaf,
and that doctor is his accomplice.
647
00:45:48,548 --> 00:45:49,947
He tried to kill us with a train.
648
00:45:50,150 --> 00:45:53,176
- And where would this man get a train?
- Where am I gonna get a train?
649
00:45:53,487 --> 00:45:55,079
Children, that's enough
of this foolishness.
650
00:45:55,388 --> 00:45:58,118
Mr. Stephano bears absolutely
no resemblance to Count Olaf.
651
00:45:58,325 --> 00:46:01,988
Who is this incredibly handsome
Count Olaf they keep speaking of?
652
00:46:02,195 --> 00:46:05,926
Count Olaf is their old guardian,
who made an error in judgment.
653
00:46:06,700 --> 00:46:10,636
What about the tattoo? Count Olaf
had a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
654
00:46:11,338 --> 00:46:13,306
Anything for the kids.
655
00:46:15,041 --> 00:46:17,805
Voil�! Spick-and-span.
656
00:46:18,111 --> 00:46:20,136
Well, he's an actor.
He covered it with makeup.
657
00:46:22,215 --> 00:46:24,843
Doctor, I wonder if you
could help me escort
658
00:46:25,118 --> 00:46:27,518
- these young children to the vehicle.
- No. Mr. Poe--
659
00:46:27,721 --> 00:46:29,450
- No, Mr. Poe!
- I'll send you a postcard.
660
00:46:29,656 --> 00:46:31,817
About one thing,
all the witnesses agreed.
661
00:46:32,058 --> 00:46:36,825
The sound they heard next
was so shocking, so surprising,
662
00:46:37,063 --> 00:46:39,429
it still haunts them to this day.
663
00:46:49,276 --> 00:46:53,542
Damn it. This was
such a good character.
664
00:47:15,702 --> 00:47:18,694
Bum buttery, bluebird is singing a tune
665
00:47:18,905 --> 00:47:23,239
Rest assured, children, the authorities
are in hot pursuit of Mr. Stephano,
666
00:47:23,443 --> 00:47:26,935
from his eyebrowless forehead
to his untattooed ankle.
667
00:47:27,347 --> 00:47:29,042
The ltalian fiend.
668
00:47:29,249 --> 00:47:31,717
Though still in the clutches
of a clueless banker,
669
00:47:31,918 --> 00:47:34,546
the Baudelaires celebrated
their unmasking of Count Olaf
670
00:47:34,821 --> 00:47:38,621
as they skimmed their way across
the icy surface of Lake Lachrymose.
671
00:47:38,925 --> 00:47:42,725
But Klaus wasn't the sort to think
on the surface of anything.
672
00:47:42,929 --> 00:47:45,124
He knew there was something
beneath their journey,
673
00:47:45,332 --> 00:47:48,028
even though all he had to go on
was a spyglass,
674
00:47:48,235 --> 00:47:52,535
the knowledge of another terrible fire
and two words on a slip of paper.
675
00:47:52,739 --> 00:47:54,730
Aunt Josephine?
676
00:47:55,342 --> 00:47:57,037
Never heard of her.
677
00:47:58,511 --> 00:48:02,379
Does it strike you as odd that none
of our relatives are related to us?
678
00:48:19,132 --> 00:48:20,690
Aunt Josephine?
679
00:48:22,602 --> 00:48:25,400
Baudelaires? Is that you?
680
00:48:25,605 --> 00:48:26,799
Yes.
681
00:48:28,308 --> 00:48:29,605
Oh, good.
682
00:48:29,910 --> 00:48:30,899
Come in. Come in. Come in.
683
00:48:31,111 --> 00:48:34,239
Hurricane Herman
is about to arrive at any time now.
684
00:48:36,116 --> 00:48:39,415
Oh, Violet. Look at you.
685
00:48:39,653 --> 00:48:40,915
Hello.
686
00:48:41,121 --> 00:48:43,112
Come in, quickly. Quickly, children.
687
00:48:43,323 --> 00:48:44,654
- What? What?
- What's the matter?
688
00:48:44,958 --> 00:48:48,917
Not that quickly. You could trip
over the welcome mat
689
00:48:49,229 --> 00:48:50,526
and decapitate yourselves.
690
00:48:51,831 --> 00:48:56,461
So, quickly, but not too quickly,
all right?
691
00:49:10,684 --> 00:49:13,710
I'm sorry it's so chilly in here.
692
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,886
Sometimes it gets so cold
I can hardly stand it.
693
00:49:18,191 --> 00:49:20,785
Would you like me to turn the radiator
up for you, Aunt Josephine?
694
00:49:21,127 --> 00:49:25,291
Oh, no. I never turn on the radiator.
I'm frightened that it might explode.
695
00:49:26,499 --> 00:49:30,697
Children, I must ask you not to use
any of the doorknobs in the house.
696
00:49:31,404 --> 00:49:36,103
Just push on the wood of the door,
and it'll open.
697
00:49:36,509 --> 00:49:37,441
Why?
698
00:49:37,911 --> 00:49:39,936
Well, I'm always afraid
that the doorknobs
699
00:49:40,146 --> 00:49:41,841
will shatter into a million tiny pieces,
700
00:49:42,048 --> 00:49:43,811
and one of them will hit my eye.
701
00:49:48,722 --> 00:49:50,952
''Delmo'' is not a word.
702
00:49:51,558 --> 00:49:55,119
I can see that I'm going to have to
teach her proper English.
703
00:50:00,734 --> 00:50:04,727
Grammar is the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?
704
00:50:04,938 --> 00:50:06,235
- Most definitely.
- I love grammar.
705
00:50:15,382 --> 00:50:17,043
Perfect. Nice hot soup.
706
00:50:17,751 --> 00:50:21,050
Actually, it's chilled cucumber soup.
707
00:50:21,287 --> 00:50:22,686
I never cook anything hot.
708
00:50:22,956 --> 00:50:25,789
I'm afraid that the stove
will burst into flames.
709
00:50:26,159 --> 00:50:27,183
Where's your brother?
710
00:50:27,761 --> 00:50:28,750
The kitchen.
711
00:50:29,462 --> 00:50:30,451
Klaus?
712
00:50:31,765 --> 00:50:32,959
What are you doing?
713
00:50:33,466 --> 00:50:34,398
Napkins.
714
00:50:35,468 --> 00:50:39,768
Napkins are here. Come away from
the fridge. If it falls, it'll crush you flat.
715
00:50:41,474 --> 00:50:42,771
All right.
716
00:50:43,276 --> 00:50:46,177
Everyone, would you like
to see some pictures?
717
00:50:50,016 --> 00:50:51,984
Careful. Don't get a paper cut.
718
00:50:55,488 --> 00:50:56,477
Is this lke?
719
00:50:58,625 --> 00:50:59,922
Wasn't he handsome?
720
00:51:04,631 --> 00:51:06,929
All the things you did,
Aunt Josephine.
721
00:51:07,634 --> 00:51:08,931
You tamed lions?
722
00:51:09,669 --> 00:51:14,936
Oh, I was quite adventurous
when lke was alive.
723
00:51:29,489 --> 00:51:32,151
Uncle Monty?
You knew Uncle Monty?
724
00:51:32,358 --> 00:51:34,986
No. That's not a good picture of me.
725
00:51:35,261 --> 00:51:37,786
Wait, is. . .? Is that our parents?
726
00:51:37,997 --> 00:51:39,794
Was this some sort of club?
727
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:42,464
Why do you all have
these spyglasses?
728
00:51:42,669 --> 00:51:47,470
I don't like the way I look
in that picture.
729
00:51:51,578 --> 00:51:53,705
Did lke die in a fire?
730
00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:57,208
No, no, no, no. Silly child, no.
731
00:51:58,017 --> 00:52:00,110
He was eaten by leeches.
732
00:52:03,523 --> 00:52:04,820
Come, I'll show you.
733
00:52:10,230 --> 00:52:14,724
Watch the chandelier, children.
If it falls, it will impale you.
734
00:52:35,054 --> 00:52:40,356
Ike and I explored every cove and inlet
of Lake Lachrymose,
735
00:52:40,560 --> 00:52:43,051
from Horrid Harbor,
736
00:52:43,263 --> 00:52:48,098
all the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.
737
00:52:48,601 --> 00:52:51,764
And near that rock is
where the leeches attacked.
738
00:52:55,475 --> 00:52:57,340
Lachrymose leeches have six rows
739
00:52:57,544 --> 00:53:00,206
of very sharp teeth,
and one very sharp nose.
740
00:53:00,513 --> 00:53:04,847
They are blind, but they can smell food
on a human from miles away.
741
00:53:05,051 --> 00:53:09,147
And if they smell food,
they will swarm.
742
00:53:12,425 --> 00:53:17,727
I told him, ''lke, you must wait one hour
before going into the water.''
743
00:53:18,264 --> 00:53:19,424
But. . .
744
00:53:20,433 --> 00:53:24,733
. . .he only waited 45 minutes,
745
00:53:24,938 --> 00:53:26,132
and. . .
746
00:53:34,948 --> 00:53:37,781
I apologize, children.
747
00:53:38,585 --> 00:53:39,882
Klaus!
748
00:53:40,453 --> 00:53:43,650
That area is private.
That was lke's room.
749
00:53:47,660 --> 00:53:50,595
Oh, God, I hate it here.
750
00:53:52,465 --> 00:53:55,901
Well, Aunt Josephine,
have you ever thought
751
00:53:56,102 --> 00:53:57,535
of maybe moving someplace else?
752
00:53:57,737 --> 00:54:01,400
Maybe if you moved away from Lake
Lachrymose you might feel better.
753
00:54:02,508 --> 00:54:04,533
I could never,
754
00:54:04,811 --> 00:54:09,043
never, never, never sell this house.
755
00:54:10,416 --> 00:54:12,714
I'm terrified of realtors.
756
00:54:13,119 --> 00:54:15,451
There are two kinds of fears:
757
00:54:15,822 --> 00:54:18,655
rational and irrational.
758
00:54:19,325 --> 00:54:22,624
Being afraid of realtors
is an irrational fear.
759
00:54:22,829 --> 00:54:24,262
Is this a bad time?
760
00:54:29,836 --> 00:54:31,633
We gotta get her out of the house.
761
00:54:39,345 --> 00:54:43,543
Watch out for those avocados. The pit
could become lodged in our throats.
762
00:54:43,850 --> 00:54:48,344
And watch out for that cart.
It could break free and run us over.
763
00:54:49,555 --> 00:54:51,785
Everything's fine, Aunt Josephine.
764
00:54:52,292 --> 00:54:55,090
Lord thundering jumped-up Jehovah.
765
00:54:55,295 --> 00:54:56,956
The black plague!
Is it the black plague?
766
00:54:57,163 --> 00:54:58,687
No, that there was all my fault.
767
00:54:58,998 --> 00:55:01,193
Tell you what, can't tell you
how sorry I is
768
00:55:01,401 --> 00:55:03,995
for running into your sister there
like that.
769
00:55:04,203 --> 00:55:05,227
Aunt Josephine, this--
770
00:55:05,438 --> 00:55:07,303
Couple of right beauties
you are, mum.
771
00:55:07,540 --> 00:55:08,700
Especially you.
772
00:55:08,908 --> 00:55:10,432
Aunt Josephine--
773
00:55:10,710 --> 00:55:12,200
But allow me to introduce meself.
774
00:55:12,445 --> 00:55:14,345
No, allow Klaus and I to introduce him.
775
00:55:14,614 --> 00:55:16,605
- This--
- ''Klaus and me.''
776
00:55:16,816 --> 00:55:18,113
It doesn't matter. This is--
777
00:55:18,318 --> 00:55:19,512
Doesn't matter?
778
00:55:21,154 --> 00:55:22,621
Are you jigging me, girl?
779
00:55:22,922 --> 00:55:27,359
Why, perhaps it's just the ramblings
of an expert fisherman,
780
00:55:27,627 --> 00:55:29,527
but grammar is the number-one
most important thing
781
00:55:29,729 --> 00:55:31,720
in this here world to me.
782
00:55:32,131 --> 00:55:33,120
It is?
783
00:55:34,567 --> 00:55:37,434
It's the whole ball of wax.
The entire kit and caboodle.
784
00:55:37,670 --> 00:55:39,331
Why, without your good grammar,
785
00:55:39,539 --> 00:55:42,940
the whole darn shooting match
could go arse over tea kettle.
786
00:55:43,543 --> 00:55:46,979
Well, you can certainly turn a phrase.
787
00:55:47,347 --> 00:55:50,077
I can flip it up and rub it down too.
788
00:55:50,350 --> 00:55:55,151
Of course, that would be entirely
up to you, mum.
789
00:55:56,389 --> 00:55:58,016
Captain Sham. . .
790
00:55:58,891 --> 00:56:00,290
. . .at your service.
791
00:56:00,593 --> 00:56:03,494
He's lying. He's Count Olaf.
792
00:56:04,497 --> 00:56:07,830
That horrible man you warned me
about? Where? Who?
793
00:56:08,034 --> 00:56:09,695
- Right in front of you.
- Where's he at?
794
00:56:09,902 --> 00:56:11,301
- Behind Captain Sham?
- No.
795
00:56:11,504 --> 00:56:15,338
I'll show him a thing or two. I'll give
him the old ''wax on, wax off,'' me son.
796
00:56:15,608 --> 00:56:17,303
Captain Sham is Count Olaf.
797
00:56:18,311 --> 00:56:20,506
I'm not going through this again.
798
00:56:20,713 --> 00:56:22,704
Children of the corn!
799
00:56:24,350 --> 00:56:25,647
Klaus!
800
00:56:25,852 --> 00:56:30,016
Why did you do this
to this poor man?
801
00:56:30,223 --> 00:56:33,056
I'm so sorry. Sorry.
802
00:56:34,026 --> 00:56:36,517
That's gonna smart in the morning.
803
00:56:37,029 --> 00:56:39,623
Oh, I don't pay that no
never mind, mum.
804
00:56:39,932 --> 00:56:43,527
He's just a boy barely
out of his OshKosh B'Gosh.
805
00:56:43,736 --> 00:56:45,328
I've had to deal with that sort of thing
806
00:56:45,538 --> 00:56:48,530
ever since me leg was chewed off
by the Lachrymose leeches.
807
00:56:49,041 --> 00:56:54,343
Why didn't I wait an hour before
swimming? Why? Why? Why?
808
00:56:55,448 --> 00:56:57,211
The leeches took my husband too.
809
00:56:57,383 --> 00:56:58,407
Get out of town.
810
00:56:58,618 --> 00:57:00,813
No, really.
811
00:57:01,020 --> 00:57:05,320
By jeez, them blasted leeches doomed
me to a life of hopping, they did.
812
00:57:06,092 --> 00:57:08,583
Sure, I get the good parking spots,
813
00:57:08,895 --> 00:57:12,831
but who could love a man with one leg
and a face like a hen's arse?
814
00:57:13,099 --> 00:57:16,398
I'm as lonely as a gull on a rock, girl.
815
00:57:16,702 --> 00:57:19,296
Oh, Captain Sham.
816
00:57:20,039 --> 00:57:23,634
Would you come to my house
for dinner this evening?
817
00:57:23,910 --> 00:57:24,899
- No!
- No!
818
00:57:25,211 --> 00:57:26,838
Oh, no, I don't know about that, mum.
819
00:57:27,046 --> 00:57:30,607
I'm afeard I might scuff up the floors
with this old cribbage peg.
820
00:57:30,817 --> 00:57:33,251
Well, I will lay down newspapers.
821
00:57:33,553 --> 00:57:37,512
Please, the children are going to make
a lovely dinner of puttanesca.
822
00:57:37,824 --> 00:57:41,760
The very meal I ate
before they took me leg!
823
00:57:42,228 --> 00:57:46,324
Oh, my goodness. Well, children,
I'm going to take Captain Sham home.
824
00:57:46,632 --> 00:57:50,966
And you stay here and shop for
an entirely puttanesca-free dinner.
825
00:57:52,038 --> 00:57:54,973
- But--
- ''But'' is not a sentence, Klaus.
826
00:57:56,843 --> 00:57:57,969
Aunt Josephine.
827
00:57:58,177 --> 00:58:00,805
Hey, you haven't paid for that.
828
00:58:07,386 --> 00:58:09,581
Kids today.
829
00:58:33,012 --> 00:58:34,707
Aunt Josephine?
830
00:58:40,520 --> 00:58:42,215
Aunt Josephine?
831
00:58:45,124 --> 00:58:46,523
Are you here?
832
00:58:47,026 --> 00:58:48,357
Aunt Jo?
833
00:58:49,462 --> 00:58:50,861
Are you here?
834
00:58:51,631 --> 00:58:53,326
Aunt Josephine?
835
00:58:59,105 --> 00:59:00,572
Oh, no.
836
00:59:00,773 --> 00:59:02,468
No.
837
00:59:08,581 --> 00:59:09,980
We're too late.
838
00:59:12,585 --> 00:59:14,382
We're too late.
839
00:59:20,626 --> 00:59:22,025
What does it say?
840
00:59:22,395 --> 00:59:24,090
It's a suicide note.
841
00:59:26,232 --> 00:59:30,191
''Violet, Klaus and Sunny, by the time
you read this, my life will be at its end.
842
00:59:30,403 --> 00:59:33,895
My heart is as cold as lke,
and I find life inbearable.''
843
00:59:34,206 --> 00:59:35,400
''lnbearable''?
844
00:59:35,608 --> 00:59:36,905
Go on.
845
00:59:37,410 --> 00:59:40,743
''l know you children may not
understand the sad life of a dowadg--''
846
00:59:41,213 --> 00:59:42,544
''Dowager'' has one D.
847
00:59:42,748 --> 00:59:44,545
It doesn't matter. Keep going.
848
00:59:45,818 --> 00:59:51,051
''--or what would have led to this
desperate akt.'' ''Act'' is spelled with a C.
849
00:59:51,324 --> 00:59:53,224
It's a suicide note.
Why are you checking spelling?
850
00:59:53,426 --> 00:59:55,326
She said her greatest joy in life
was grammar.
851
00:59:55,528 --> 00:59:56,859
Why is she making
all these mistakes?
852
00:59:58,230 --> 00:59:59,720
If you were about to jump
out a window,
853
00:59:59,932 --> 01:00:01,923
you might make
a few spelling mistakes too.
854
01:00:02,268 --> 01:00:03,963
''Please know that
I am much happier this way.
855
01:00:04,170 --> 01:00:07,071
As my last will and testament, I leave
you three in the care of Captain Sham,
856
01:00:07,340 --> 01:00:09,433
a kind and honorable man.''
857
01:00:11,143 --> 01:00:13,668
That was his plan.
He made her write this note,
858
01:00:13,879 --> 01:00:15,642
and then he pushed her
out the window.
859
01:00:21,587 --> 01:00:25,045
No. It's not a suicide note.
It's a message.
860
01:00:25,491 --> 01:00:28,460
It's not supposed to be ''lke,''
it's supposed to be ''ice.'' C.
861
01:00:30,162 --> 01:00:31,959
And ''unbearable'' with a U.
862
01:00:50,583 --> 01:00:53,108
All the way over to Curdled Cave,
way over there.
863
01:00:53,319 --> 01:00:55,787
She's not dead. She's hiding.
864
01:00:56,322 --> 01:00:57,619
Curdled Cave?
865
01:01:01,627 --> 01:01:02,924
Sunny!
866
01:01:24,250 --> 01:01:26,047
He was investigating fires.
867
01:01:37,596 --> 01:01:39,757
Klaus, we gotta go.
868
01:01:54,680 --> 01:01:55,806
Come away from the fridge.
869
01:01:56,282 --> 01:01:57,306
What?
870
01:01:57,817 --> 01:02:00,308
If it falls, it could crush you flat.
871
01:02:41,594 --> 01:02:42,561
No way.
872
01:02:53,606 --> 01:02:55,073
Is it over?
873
01:03:01,814 --> 01:03:04,749
Violet, you better tie your hair up.
874
01:03:25,237 --> 01:03:27,865
Violet, ideas?
875
01:03:47,359 --> 01:03:48,849
Bring me that fire extinguisher.
876
01:03:49,562 --> 01:03:50,494
Why?
877
01:03:50,863 --> 01:03:53,195
Because we need to move
this anchor over there.
878
01:03:53,465 --> 01:03:56,093
- What?
- Just help me.
879
01:04:10,950 --> 01:04:12,611
On three, we're gonna
break that beam.
880
01:04:12,818 --> 01:04:14,115
- Break it?
- Yes.
881
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:16,914
- That's the only thing keeping us up.
- Exactly.
882
01:04:17,156 --> 01:04:18,817
Are you sure you tied your hair
tight enough?
883
01:04:19,124 --> 01:04:20,523
On three.
884
01:04:22,027 --> 01:04:23,255
One.
885
01:04:24,029 --> 01:04:25,257
Two.
886
01:04:26,232 --> 01:04:27,256
Three.
887
01:04:37,343 --> 01:04:38,367
Wait.
888
01:04:38,677 --> 01:04:39,871
Wait.
889
01:04:40,346 --> 01:04:42,473
Wait. Hold on, Sunny.
890
01:04:42,681 --> 01:04:43,841
Now!
891
01:04:59,498 --> 01:05:00,829
What do we do now?
892
01:05:01,033 --> 01:05:03,593
She's alive. We have to go
to the authorities.
893
01:05:04,003 --> 01:05:05,334
- No.
- What?
894
01:05:05,638 --> 01:05:07,936
- They won't listen. They never listen.
- Violet!
895
01:05:08,140 --> 01:05:11,598
It's Olaf. He'll never stop.
We have to find her ourselves.
896
01:05:13,846 --> 01:05:15,336
Hey, you kids.
897
01:05:15,648 --> 01:05:19,015
It's Captain Sham,
your new guardian.
898
01:05:19,318 --> 01:05:23,015
You just stay where you're at,
and we'll come where you're to.
899
01:05:23,355 --> 01:05:25,448
Ever read any books on sailing?
900
01:05:28,227 --> 01:05:33,529
Klaus had read exactly 15 books on
sailing and two books on meteorology.
901
01:05:34,066 --> 01:05:36,830
But it is one thing to do something
in theory,
902
01:05:37,036 --> 01:05:39,266
another to do it in practice.
903
01:05:39,538 --> 01:05:43,065
Little could have prepared them
for the crossing to Curdled Cave
904
01:05:43,275 --> 01:05:47,177
at the hands of an angry
and ill-humored lake.
905
01:05:47,379 --> 01:05:50,837
But as the storm passed
and the waters calmed,
906
01:05:51,050 --> 01:05:55,043
the Baudelaires couldn't help but feel
a small sense of accomplishment.
907
01:05:55,287 --> 01:05:58,882
A rare moment of joy
in their otherwise woeful lives.
908
01:06:00,292 --> 01:06:01,782
They had made it.
909
01:06:01,994 --> 01:06:04,394
And if their guardian
could not rescue them,
910
01:06:04,596 --> 01:06:08,191
then they would rescue
their guardian.
911
01:06:18,811 --> 01:06:20,403
Aunt Josephine?
912
01:06:35,928 --> 01:06:37,418
Aunt Josephine?
913
01:06:53,779 --> 01:06:55,440
Aunt Josephine?
914
01:06:58,484 --> 01:07:00,008
Are you in here?
915
01:07:11,797 --> 01:07:13,230
Aunt Josephine!
916
01:07:16,135 --> 01:07:17,602
Oh, children.
917
01:07:17,803 --> 01:07:22,706
You did it! You deciphered
the clues in my note.
918
01:07:22,908 --> 01:07:24,307
We're so glad you're okay.
919
01:07:24,510 --> 01:07:25,602
It was so horrible.
920
01:07:25,811 --> 01:07:28,245
Count Olaf forced me
to write that will,
921
01:07:28,447 --> 01:07:31,712
and then it nearly killed me to add in
all those grammatical errors.
922
01:07:33,652 --> 01:07:35,347
So did you bring groceries?
923
01:07:35,554 --> 01:07:38,455
Groceries?
We just came through a storm.
924
01:07:38,657 --> 01:07:41,558
Well, so? How do you expect us
to live in this cave
925
01:07:41,760 --> 01:07:43,625
if you didn't bring any food?
926
01:07:43,829 --> 01:07:45,023
Live in the cave?
927
01:07:45,230 --> 01:07:47,357
No, no, no. Aunt Josephine,
you have to come back with us.
928
01:07:47,566 --> 01:07:50,535
You willed us to Captain Sham.
You're the only proof we have it's a lie.
929
01:07:50,736 --> 01:07:53,466
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's much too
dangerous, children. I'm very sorry.
930
01:07:53,672 --> 01:07:56,971
Too dangerous? You're our guardian.
You're supposed to take care of us.
931
01:07:57,176 --> 01:07:58,905
I'm not gonna talk about it anymore.
932
01:08:00,712 --> 01:08:04,273
You know, Aunt Josephine,
Curdled Cave is for sale.
933
01:08:04,483 --> 01:08:05,575
So?
934
01:08:06,085 --> 01:08:10,988
So before too long, people
are gonna come to look at it.
935
01:08:11,390 --> 01:08:14,985
And some of those people
will be realtors.
936
01:08:40,219 --> 01:08:41,743
Aunt Josephine,
937
01:08:42,821 --> 01:08:44,413
what does this mean?
938
01:08:45,424 --> 01:08:46,823
Where did you find that?
939
01:08:47,025 --> 01:08:48,515
I found it in lke's room.
940
01:08:48,961 --> 01:08:50,519
The fires.
941
01:08:50,929 --> 01:08:52,863
Why was he investigating fires?
942
01:08:53,098 --> 01:08:58,001
We all were. Uncle Monty, lke and. . .
943
01:08:59,505 --> 01:09:00,870
Our parents.
944
01:09:01,974 --> 01:09:04,272
They were our leaders.
945
01:09:05,477 --> 01:09:06,671
Children,
946
01:09:07,379 --> 01:09:11,907
there are good people
and bad people in the world.
947
01:09:12,117 --> 01:09:15,814
The ones who start the fires
and the ones who put them out.
948
01:09:16,054 --> 01:09:17,214
Who's doing this?
949
01:09:17,489 --> 01:09:18,478
Is it Olaf?
950
01:09:19,391 --> 01:09:22,053
I've said too much already.
Your parents knew the answer to that,
951
01:09:22,294 --> 01:09:23,522
and look what happened to them.
952
01:09:24,229 --> 01:09:27,687
Our parents? What did they say?
953
01:09:29,234 --> 01:09:31,225
We should never have left that cave.
954
01:09:31,436 --> 01:09:33,028
It's not too late for us
to turn around now,
955
01:09:33,238 --> 01:09:35,035
and I'll just take my chances
with the realtors.
956
01:09:35,240 --> 01:09:36,229
Aunt Josephine,
957
01:09:36,575 --> 01:09:39,135
what did our parents say?
958
01:09:40,412 --> 01:09:42,039
We're going to die.
959
01:09:43,615 --> 01:09:47,051
- What?
- It's the leeches!
960
01:09:53,725 --> 01:09:57,024
I guess it's a good thing none of us
have eaten in a while then.
961
01:10:06,638 --> 01:10:08,037
Aunt Josephine!
962
01:10:25,857 --> 01:10:28,155
There's a crack in the boat!
963
01:10:30,295 --> 01:10:34,061
Klaus, what do we do?
They're eating the boat!
964
01:10:34,700 --> 01:10:36,861
We're sinking, sinking, sinking.
965
01:10:37,069 --> 01:10:40,163
- Klaus, paddle, please.
- Doomed. Doomed.
966
01:10:40,372 --> 01:10:43,000
Aunt Josephine, that is not helping.
967
01:10:48,880 --> 01:10:52,372
There's a boat.
Over here! Over here!
968
01:10:52,584 --> 01:10:55,781
But as unpleasant
as Lachrymose leeches can be,
969
01:10:56,021 --> 01:11:00,117
there was something far more
unpleasant arriving out of the fog.
970
01:11:00,359 --> 01:11:04,261
Hello, hello, hello.
971
01:11:05,430 --> 01:11:08,661
I missed you guys.
972
01:11:08,867 --> 01:11:12,735
Looks like you could use
a little assistance.
973
01:11:12,938 --> 01:11:15,236
You're gonna need assistance
when we get back to town.
974
01:11:15,440 --> 01:11:17,601
Aunt Josephine's gonna tell everyone
what happened.
975
01:11:17,843 --> 01:11:19,333
Then I'll be arrested and sent to jail,
976
01:11:19,544 --> 01:11:21,774
and you'll live happily ever after
with a friendly guardian,
977
01:11:21,980 --> 01:11:24,039
spending your time inventing things
and reading books
978
01:11:24,249 --> 01:11:25,682
and sharpening
your little monkey teeth.
979
01:11:25,884 --> 01:11:27,943
And bravery and nobility
will prevail at last.
980
01:11:28,120 --> 01:11:30,179
And this wicked world
will slowly but surely become
981
01:11:30,455 --> 01:11:31,547
a place of cheerful harmony.
982
01:11:31,757 --> 01:11:33,748
And everyone will be singing
and dancing and giggling
983
01:11:33,992 --> 01:11:35,289
Iike the Littlest Elf.
984
01:11:35,494 --> 01:11:38,952
A happy ending.
Is that what you had in mind?
985
01:11:39,364 --> 01:11:43,391
Because I hardly think that anybody
is going to believe a dead woman.
986
01:11:43,769 --> 01:11:45,100
You're not gonna touch
Aunt Josephine.
987
01:11:45,304 --> 01:11:46,601
She'll tell everyone what happened.
988
01:11:46,805 --> 01:11:49,273
No, no, no, no, I won't tell anybody
anything. I promise.
989
01:11:49,474 --> 01:11:51,135
Please don't throw me
to the leeches.
990
01:11:51,376 --> 01:11:53,776
You can have the fortune.
You can have the children.
991
01:11:53,979 --> 01:11:55,469
Aunt Josephine!
992
01:11:55,681 --> 01:11:56,807
Please.
993
01:11:57,015 --> 01:11:59,745
Welcome aboard. Hot potato.
994
01:12:01,653 --> 01:12:04,622
I'll go away. I'll dye my hair.
I'll change my name.
995
01:12:04,856 --> 01:12:08,348
- But what about us?
- Quiet, child. The adults are talking.
996
01:12:10,829 --> 01:12:13,764
- I suppose I don't have to kill you.
- No.
997
01:12:13,965 --> 01:12:16,433
On the other hand, with that little stunt
of yours at the window,
998
01:12:16,601 --> 01:12:19,968
you hadn't been
a very trustworthy person.
999
01:12:20,672 --> 01:12:21,969
But. . .
1000
01:12:23,775 --> 01:12:25,834
. . .I could show a little mercy.
1001
01:12:28,180 --> 01:12:30,114
''Haven't.''
1002
01:12:34,152 --> 01:12:35,278
What?
1003
01:12:36,154 --> 01:12:39,749
You said ''hadn't.'' That's bad grammar.
You should've said,
1004
01:12:39,991 --> 01:12:42,789
''You haven't been
a very trustworthy person.''
1005
01:12:46,498 --> 01:12:49,956
Thank you for correcting me.
1006
01:12:50,569 --> 01:12:51,797
Not at all.
1007
01:12:53,071 --> 01:12:55,801
No. No, no, no, no, no.
Aunt Josephine. Aunt Josephine!
1008
01:12:56,007 --> 01:12:57,201
- Aunt Josephine.
- You can't--
1009
01:12:57,342 --> 01:12:59,503
- Aunt Josephine. Aunt--
- Aunt Josephine. Jump!
1010
01:13:00,645 --> 01:13:02,806
Well, you get the picture.
1011
01:13:07,152 --> 01:13:08,744
Aunt Josephine.
1012
01:13:09,454 --> 01:13:13,720
Well, we've done all we can do.
1013
01:13:16,161 --> 01:13:17,526
Everybody be cool.
1014
01:13:17,929 --> 01:13:20,329
Children? Is that you?
1015
01:13:20,532 --> 01:13:21,829
Mr. Poe! We're--
1016
01:13:22,033 --> 01:13:23,330
Drowning.
1017
01:13:26,171 --> 01:13:29,572
I saved him! I saved the boy
from the leeches!
1018
01:13:29,775 --> 01:13:32,335
Back to the depths,
you fingery devils.
1019
01:13:32,544 --> 01:13:35,570
You will not devour
this boy's head today.
1020
01:13:40,085 --> 01:13:42,747
Count Olaf?
What are you doing here?
1021
01:13:42,988 --> 01:13:47,482
Mr. Poe, please. Count Olaf,
what are you doing here, man?
1022
01:13:47,859 --> 01:13:50,350
I know, I know. I shouldn't have come.
1023
01:13:50,595 --> 01:13:54,053
But when I heard the children
were in danger, I had to.
1024
01:13:54,466 --> 01:13:56,559
Even if I'm not. . .
1025
01:13:56,902 --> 01:13:58,836
. . .fit to be their guardian.
1026
01:14:00,806 --> 01:14:03,001
It appears I was wrong about you,
Count Olaf.
1027
01:14:03,208 --> 01:14:05,233
- No!
- No.
1028
01:14:05,444 --> 01:14:09,005
You have proven yourself to be
an exceptionally capable guardian.
1029
01:14:09,414 --> 01:14:11,006
And I would be remiss
in my responsibility
1030
01:14:11,216 --> 01:14:13,912
if I did not place the children
with you immediately.
1031
01:14:14,619 --> 01:14:16,814
- Why, if it weren't for you, the--
- Don't say it!
1032
01:14:17,055 --> 01:14:20,218
I can't stand the thought
of losing my little treasures.
1033
01:14:20,425 --> 01:14:22,620
Even the thought
of the massive inheritance
1034
01:14:22,828 --> 01:14:25,729
would be a constant reminder
of my heartache.
1035
01:14:25,931 --> 01:14:27,922
Well, well, there's no need
to fret about that.
1036
01:14:28,133 --> 01:14:31,569
The law clearly states that you
would not inherit the Baudelaire fortune
1037
01:14:31,770 --> 01:14:33,237
if anything happened to the children.
1038
01:14:33,572 --> 01:14:34,539
Say what?
1039
01:14:34,739 --> 01:14:39,335
No, no. With the exception, of course,
of blood relatives and married couples.
1040
01:14:40,045 --> 01:14:41,137
Really?
1041
01:14:50,489 --> 01:14:51,956
Mr. Poe,
1042
01:14:52,557 --> 01:14:56,152
have I told you about our new play?
1043
01:15:06,905 --> 01:15:08,395
Critic.
1044
01:15:09,107 --> 01:15:10,540
Critic!
1045
01:15:12,210 --> 01:15:13,199
Cape, sir.
1046
01:15:13,411 --> 01:15:15,208
Don't try to get on my good side.
1047
01:15:18,650 --> 01:15:21,050
What is he up to?
Why are we in the play?
1048
01:15:21,253 --> 01:15:25,155
He's using this as a prop.
It says that if two people are married,
1049
01:15:25,357 --> 01:15:28,417
they're entitled to any money
that either of them has.
1050
01:15:28,627 --> 01:15:32,028
No, but it's just a play. He can't get
our fortune by marrying me in a play.
1051
01:15:33,465 --> 01:15:34,830
Can't l?
1052
01:15:35,033 --> 01:15:39,129
Conspirators. ''Caesar must die.
Caesar must die. Caesar must die.''
1053
01:15:39,337 --> 01:15:40,565
In order to be a valid marriage,
1054
01:15:40,772 --> 01:15:43,536
it has to be administered
by a bona fide justice of the peace.
1055
01:15:43,742 --> 01:15:44,868
It says so right here.
1056
01:15:45,076 --> 01:15:49,342
Justice Strauss, are you ready
for your debut?
1057
01:15:51,149 --> 01:15:55,882
Look at you.
Violet, you look so beautiful.
1058
01:15:56,288 --> 01:15:59,416
You are the bride, I'm the judge.
Who's the groom?
1059
01:15:59,691 --> 01:16:02,285
No, Justice Strauss, you don't
understand. The play is real.
1060
01:16:02,494 --> 01:16:04,428
Yes! Yes.
1061
01:16:04,629 --> 01:16:08,190
It must be real. That's why I cast you.
1062
01:16:08,400 --> 01:16:11,301
All the other actors I saw
lacked the proper--
1063
01:16:11,503 --> 01:16:12,902
What's the word I'm looking for?
1064
01:16:13,104 --> 01:16:14,901
- Hair?
- Hands?
1065
01:16:15,140 --> 01:16:17,040
Verisimilitude.
1066
01:16:17,742 --> 01:16:19,039
Now, remember, Justice Strauss,
1067
01:16:19,244 --> 01:16:22,008
you must say the words exactly
as you would in a real wedding.
1068
01:16:22,213 --> 01:16:25,011
Get it absolutely right. There are
talent scouts in the audience
1069
01:16:25,216 --> 01:16:28,549
Iooking for someone your age.
It's all riding on this one.
1070
01:16:29,321 --> 01:16:32,415
Why did you have to tell me that?
Oh, my God.
1071
01:16:32,624 --> 01:16:33,818
Take her to makeup.
1072
01:16:34,059 --> 01:16:37,256
Enjoy! Embrace the butterflies.
1073
01:16:37,462 --> 01:16:41,523
This is ridiculous. Violet's only 14.
She can't be legally married.
1074
01:16:41,733 --> 01:16:43,564
She can if she has the permission
of her guardian.
1075
01:16:43,768 --> 01:16:46,635
And who's that? Oh, yes. Me!
1076
01:16:49,341 --> 01:16:50,865
Look it up, bookworm.
1077
01:16:51,076 --> 01:16:53,840
Yes. Once you say ''l do''
and sign the marriage certificate,
1078
01:16:54,045 --> 01:16:56,536
you'll really be my loverly bride.
1079
01:16:56,748 --> 01:16:59,876
You'll cook and clean
and massage my bunions
1080
01:17:00,085 --> 01:17:02,576
and clip my thick, yellow toenails.
1081
01:17:02,787 --> 01:17:07,224
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
You gotta work at it.
1082
01:17:07,492 --> 01:17:09,824
I'll never say ''l do.'' Never.
1083
01:17:11,296 --> 01:17:12,991
I think you might. . .
1084
01:17:13,932 --> 01:17:16,230
. . .once you look up there.
1085
01:17:24,743 --> 01:17:25,835
Let her go!
1086
01:17:26,411 --> 01:17:28,003
Gladly. Let her go.
1087
01:17:28,913 --> 01:17:30,710
- No!
- Put a hold on that.
1088
01:17:32,150 --> 01:17:34,118
If you don't say ''l do,''
1089
01:17:34,319 --> 01:17:37,345
or if anything should happen
to interrupt this performance,
1090
01:17:38,223 --> 01:17:39,713
I say one word into this,
1091
01:17:39,958 --> 01:17:44,327
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.
1092
01:17:45,030 --> 01:17:46,224
Clang!
1093
01:17:47,232 --> 01:17:49,427
How could you? She's an infant.
1094
01:17:49,634 --> 01:17:52,865
Oh, Violet. Violet, Violet, Violet.
1095
01:17:53,772 --> 01:17:56,240
Violet.
1096
01:17:56,441 --> 01:17:58,068
You're 1 4 years old.
1097
01:17:58,276 --> 01:18:02,007
You should know by now that you
can't have everything you want.
1098
01:18:02,313 --> 01:18:05,874
You want a life of happiness?
A roof over your head?
1099
01:18:06,084 --> 01:18:09,076
A place to call your own
and all that jazz?
1100
01:18:11,990 --> 01:18:14,083
And what about what I want?
1101
01:18:14,826 --> 01:18:17,886
I want that enormous fortune
1102
01:18:18,096 --> 01:18:22,089
and for all investigations
against me to cease.
1103
01:18:22,934 --> 01:18:27,234
You're going to help me
get what I want. . .
1104
01:18:28,139 --> 01:18:29,629
. . .tonight.
1105
01:18:38,817 --> 01:18:40,648
My public awaits.
1106
01:18:48,727 --> 01:18:51,662
Ladies and gentlemen, could you
put your appendages together
1107
01:18:51,930 --> 01:18:54,524
for The Marvelouse Marriage.
1108
01:18:54,733 --> 01:18:57,133
No. You're not gonna
go through with this.
1109
01:19:00,472 --> 01:19:01,905
I have to.
1110
01:19:02,307 --> 01:19:05,470
No, come on.
There's always something.
1111
01:19:05,677 --> 01:19:07,406
There's always something.
1112
01:19:08,980 --> 01:19:10,675
No, not this time.
1113
01:19:12,183 --> 01:19:13,172
But. . .
1114
01:19:13,384 --> 01:19:15,011
Camel, you're on.
1115
01:19:17,489 --> 01:19:19,480
- Go, Klaus.
- Violet.
1116
01:19:19,691 --> 01:19:20,680
Go!
1117
01:19:21,893 --> 01:19:24,020
Move your hump, camel. You're on.
1118
01:19:32,704 --> 01:19:35,195
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride
1119
01:19:35,406 --> 01:19:38,000
Nothing in the world will keep
The count from his beloved bride
1120
01:19:38,209 --> 01:19:40,234
Nothing in the world
Nothing in the world
1121
01:19:40,445 --> 01:19:42,709
Nothing
Nothing
1122
01:19:47,418 --> 01:19:51,354
What a marvelous day
for a marriage.
1123
01:19:51,556 --> 01:19:56,858
If only the handsome count
were here to claim his bride.
1124
01:19:57,061 --> 01:20:01,020
With his full head of hair
and great bravery,
1125
01:20:01,232 --> 01:20:04,224
the count has no equal.
1126
01:20:06,337 --> 01:20:07,736
What would Violet do?
1127
01:20:07,939 --> 01:20:11,636
The courageous battle
has waylaid him.
1128
01:20:11,843 --> 01:20:15,574
There's always something.
There's always something.
1129
01:20:15,780 --> 01:20:18,544
And a quiet, bald-headed suitor
1130
01:20:18,750 --> 01:20:21,378
has stolen the bride's affections.
1131
01:20:22,353 --> 01:20:25,447
Alas. The groom is a cad.
1132
01:20:25,690 --> 01:20:29,091
And nowhere near as handsome
as the count.
1133
01:20:29,394 --> 01:20:32,295
If only for a miracle.
1134
01:20:32,497 --> 01:20:36,797
Some way for the handsome count
to come and save. . .
1135
01:20:41,072 --> 01:20:44,473
What a thoroughly unmarvelous
marriage this will be.
1136
01:20:44,676 --> 01:20:46,166
But wait.
1137
01:20:46,811 --> 01:20:49,473
What is that?
1138
01:20:54,285 --> 01:20:58,619
It's the count, in his autogiro.
1139
01:20:58,823 --> 01:21:00,916
I didn't know they had
this kind of budget.
1140
01:21:11,736 --> 01:21:16,867
Yes, it is l, come to marry my bride.
1141
01:21:17,375 --> 01:21:22,142
And you, sir, have been taken
by surprise.
1142
01:21:22,647 --> 01:21:25,946
Caution. This next scene could get
pretty graphic.
1143
01:21:26,150 --> 01:21:27,549
Away, rapscallion!
1144
01:21:31,556 --> 01:21:32,784
Hairless Lothario!
1145
01:21:33,358 --> 01:21:35,656
Take that. And that.
1146
01:21:37,362 --> 01:21:39,057
Can I get some slack?
1147
01:21:41,366 --> 01:21:43,493
Let the wedding begin.
1148
01:22:11,029 --> 01:22:12,326
Don't look down.
1149
01:22:13,531 --> 01:22:14,930
Don't look down.
1150
01:22:27,979 --> 01:22:30,777
Do you, Count Olaf,
1151
01:22:30,982 --> 01:22:35,180
take this to be
your lawfully wedded wife,
1152
01:22:35,386 --> 01:22:39,550
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
1153
01:22:40,191 --> 01:22:41,556
Until death,
1154
01:22:42,694 --> 01:22:44,787
I most certainly do.
1155
01:22:48,266 --> 01:22:50,393
Do you, Violet Baudelaire,
1156
01:22:50,601 --> 01:22:54,298
take this--? Count Olaf
1157
01:22:54,505 --> 01:22:57,599
to be your lawfully wedded husband,
1158
01:22:57,809 --> 01:23:01,836
in sickness and in health,
till death do you part?
1159
01:23:02,046 --> 01:23:03,707
Justice Strauss, l--
1160
01:23:10,054 --> 01:23:11,248
I do.
1161
01:23:11,923 --> 01:23:13,823
- She doesn't deserve him.
- No.
1162
01:23:14,025 --> 01:23:16,721
- Are you thinking that?
- No, she doesn't.
1163
01:23:17,161 --> 01:23:19,061
- Now, all that is left. . .
- Sunny?
1164
01:23:19,263 --> 01:23:22,528
. . .is for this happy couple to sign
the marriage certificate,
1165
01:23:22,734 --> 01:23:24,429
and this union shall be--
1166
01:23:24,635 --> 01:23:26,068
Official
1167
01:23:26,771 --> 01:23:27,931
and legal.
1168
01:23:52,063 --> 01:23:55,294
Sunny, where's the key?
The key to the lock.
1169
01:24:20,658 --> 01:24:22,956
Right hand, please.
1170
01:25:27,258 --> 01:25:29,726
Children, I'm afraid
I must inform you
1171
01:25:29,927 --> 01:25:33,556
of an extremely unfortunate event.
1172
01:25:34,832 --> 01:25:37,824
I'm very, very sorry to tell you this,
but your parents have perished in a fire
1173
01:25:38,035 --> 01:25:39,866
that's destroyed your entire home.
1174
01:25:40,838 --> 01:25:42,931
These things don't just happen.
1175
01:25:46,677 --> 01:25:48,269
Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
1176
01:25:52,650 --> 01:25:55,141
Look what I did
to your pretty little home.
1177
01:25:56,854 --> 01:25:57,912
Let's finish here.
1178
01:26:06,898 --> 01:26:07,922
Boss.
1179
01:26:08,232 --> 01:26:10,325
What is it? Kind of busy right now.
1180
01:26:10,535 --> 01:26:11,695
We've got a problem.
1181
01:26:11,903 --> 01:26:13,029
Where are you?
1182
01:26:13,237 --> 01:26:15,034
Look up.
1183
01:26:19,343 --> 01:26:20,310
Hi!
1184
01:26:24,215 --> 01:26:25,842
And so concludes our play!
1185
01:26:26,050 --> 01:26:27,711
No, wait, it wasn't a play!
1186
01:26:27,919 --> 01:26:30,649
Count Olaf was gonna kill Sunny
if I didn't go through with the marriage.
1187
01:26:30,922 --> 01:26:31,854
Ridiculous.
1188
01:26:32,823 --> 01:26:34,222
No, you have to listen to me.
1189
01:26:34,425 --> 01:26:37,417
He was only marrying me to get
to the Baudelaire fortune.
1190
01:26:37,628 --> 01:26:39,220
No, that part is true, actually.
1191
01:26:39,430 --> 01:26:40,419
What?
1192
01:26:40,631 --> 01:26:44,032
Violet and I are indeed
a blissfully wedded couple,
1193
01:26:44,235 --> 01:26:45,429
because, you see,
1194
01:26:46,537 --> 01:26:49,028
we were married
in an official ceremony,
1195
01:26:49,240 --> 01:26:51,174
with official and legal vows
1196
01:26:51,375 --> 01:26:55,573
in front of a bona fide
justice of the peace.
1197
01:26:55,947 --> 01:26:57,676
Oh, my God, what have I done?
1198
01:26:58,082 --> 01:26:59,982
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
1199
01:27:00,184 --> 01:27:01,879
First order of business,
1200
01:27:02,086 --> 01:27:05,487
put the other two brats
up for adoption, separately,
1201
01:27:05,690 --> 01:27:07,817
into the far corners of the earth.
1202
01:27:08,092 --> 01:27:11,391
These children are meddlesome
when they're together.
1203
01:27:11,596 --> 01:27:17,398
- Mr. Poe!
- You unspeakable cad! Arrest him!
1204
01:27:18,402 --> 01:27:19,494
For what?
1205
01:27:19,804 --> 01:27:21,203
For being a greedy monster!
1206
01:27:21,405 --> 01:27:22,394
Come on.
1207
01:27:23,708 --> 01:27:27,508
Oh, I'm the monster? I'm the monster?
1208
01:27:28,546 --> 01:27:30,912
You're the monster.
1209
01:27:31,315 --> 01:27:33,613
Come on. Come on.
1210
01:27:33,818 --> 01:27:37,447
These children tried to tell you,
but you wouldn't listen.
1211
01:27:37,722 --> 01:27:40,418
No one ever listens to children.
1212
01:27:41,125 --> 01:27:43,457
- Come on.
- Do you think you're innocent?
1213
01:27:43,661 --> 01:27:45,219
You're accomplices.
1214
01:27:45,763 --> 01:27:49,563
This certificate says
that I have the fortune now.
1215
01:27:49,967 --> 01:27:51,059
Come on!
1216
01:27:51,269 --> 01:27:53,829
And there's nothing you can do
about it!
1217
01:27:59,577 --> 01:28:02,910
What do you think? Too diabolical?
Give me some feedback.
1218
01:28:18,396 --> 01:28:21,229
Hey, marriage is no picnic.
1219
01:28:21,432 --> 01:28:24,697
Oh, and by the way,
you're a terrible actor.
1220
01:28:25,202 --> 01:28:26,328
Now, now,
1221
01:28:27,405 --> 01:28:29,202
Iet's keep our heads here.
1222
01:28:29,507 --> 01:28:33,136
If you do anything to me,
you're just sinking to my level.
1223
01:28:33,411 --> 01:28:37,404
Not to mention setting
a terrible example for the children.
1224
01:28:38,649 --> 01:28:39,707
Guilty.
1225
01:28:39,917 --> 01:28:43,444
I am thrilled to say that Count Olaf
was captured,
1226
01:28:43,654 --> 01:28:46,350
for crimes too numerous to mention.
1227
01:28:46,624 --> 01:28:50,116
And before serving his life sentence,
it was the judge's decree
1228
01:28:50,361 --> 01:28:52,852
that Olaf be made to suffer
every hardship
1229
01:28:53,130 --> 01:28:55,030
- that he forced upon the children.
- Yes!
1230
01:28:58,002 --> 01:29:00,300
Get out! Get out!
1231
01:29:04,575 --> 01:29:06,008
Oh, no.
1232
01:29:15,186 --> 01:29:17,620
The Baudelaires had triumphed.
1233
01:29:17,888 --> 01:29:22,018
A word which here means, ''unmasking
a cruel and talentless arsonist
1234
01:29:22,293 --> 01:29:25,228
and solving the mystery
of the Baudelaire fire. ''
1235
01:29:28,099 --> 01:29:30,329
If only justice were as kind.
1236
01:29:30,534 --> 01:29:35,836
Count Olaf vanished after a jury
of his peers overturned his sentence.
1237
01:29:36,407 --> 01:29:40,104
As for the Baudelaires, what lay
ahead for them was unclear.
1238
01:29:40,311 --> 01:29:41,801
But one thing they knew,
as they climbed
1239
01:29:42,012 --> 01:29:45,038
once again into the back
of Mr. Poe's car:
1240
01:29:45,750 --> 01:29:47,217
They were moving on.
1241
01:29:49,820 --> 01:29:51,617
Now, don't worry, children,
1242
01:29:52,123 --> 01:29:55,217
I'm sure the authorities will catch up
with Count Olaf very soon.
1243
01:29:56,427 --> 01:30:00,124
No, no, we'll never have to deal
with that terrible man again.
1244
01:30:03,934 --> 01:30:05,424
Before we leave,
1245
01:30:06,871 --> 01:30:10,932
perhaps there's time
for just one last stop.
1246
01:31:56,981 --> 01:32:00,007
''Violet, Klaus and Sunny.''
It's addressed to us.
1247
01:32:00,217 --> 01:32:02,014
Look at all these postmarks.
1248
01:32:02,353 --> 01:32:07,313
It's been to England and Rome
and Kenya and lceland.
1249
01:32:07,625 --> 01:32:09,422
I don't even know
where these are from.
1250
01:32:09,627 --> 01:32:10,924
Who's it from?
1251
01:32:17,535 --> 01:32:18,934
Mom and Dad.
1252
01:32:34,051 --> 01:32:35,450
It's the letter.
1253
01:32:36,387 --> 01:32:38,252
The letter that never came.
1254
01:32:42,259 --> 01:32:44,887
''Dearest children,
since we've been abroad
1255
01:32:45,095 --> 01:32:46,858
we have missed you all so much.
1256
01:32:48,098 --> 01:32:51,397
Certain events have compelled us
to extend our travels.
1257
01:32:52,202 --> 01:32:53,863
One day, when you're older,
1258
01:32:54,371 --> 01:32:56,805
you will learn all about the people
we've befriended
1259
01:32:57,007 --> 01:32:58,736
and the dangers we have faced.
1260
01:32:59,443 --> 01:33:02,606
At times, the world can seem
an unfriendly and sinister place.
1261
01:33:02,813 --> 01:33:06,510
But believe us when we say that there
is much more good in it than bad.
1262
01:33:06,717 --> 01:33:08,912
All you have to do
is look hard enough.
1263
01:33:09,620 --> 01:33:12,248
And what might seem to be
a series of unfortunate events
1264
01:33:12,523 --> 01:33:15,117
may in fact be the first steps
of a journey.
1265
01:33:16,126 --> 01:33:18,924
We hope to have you back
in our arms soon, darlings.
1266
01:33:19,129 --> 01:33:23,225
But in case this letter arrives before
our return, know that we love you.
1267
01:33:24,535 --> 01:33:27,436
It fills us with pride to know that
no matter what happens in this life
1268
01:33:27,638 --> 01:33:29,162
that you three will take care
of each other
1269
01:33:29,373 --> 01:33:31,671
with kindness and bravery
and selflessness,
1270
01:33:31,875 --> 01:33:33,638
as you always have.
1271
01:33:34,178 --> 01:33:37,341
And remember one thing, my darlings,
and never forget it:
1272
01:33:38,048 --> 01:33:41,848
That no matter where we are, know
that as long as you have each other,
1273
01:33:42,052 --> 01:33:44,680
you have your family,
and you are home.
1274
01:33:45,656 --> 01:33:47,351
Your loving parents.''
1275
01:34:06,110 --> 01:34:10,137
Passing the torch is a rite of passage
that can take many forms.
1276
01:34:10,347 --> 01:34:14,113
But perhaps the least known
and most surprising
1277
01:34:14,618 --> 01:34:16,813
is the passing of a spyglass.
1278
01:34:35,539 --> 01:34:38,064
Dear reader, there are people
in the world
1279
01:34:38,275 --> 01:34:41,039
who know no misery and woe.
And they take comfort
1280
01:34:41,245 --> 01:34:43,475
in cheerful films about twittering
birds and giggling elves.
1281
01:34:46,050 --> 01:34:49,383
There are people who know that
there's always a mystery to be solved.
1282
01:34:49,586 --> 01:34:51,053
And they take comfort in researching
1283
01:34:51,255 --> 01:34:54,554
and writing down
any important evidence.
1284
01:34:56,593 --> 01:34:59,494
But this story is not about
such people.
1285
01:34:59,797 --> 01:35:02,891
This story is about the Baudelaires.
1286
01:35:03,200 --> 01:35:07,432
And they are the sort of people who
know that there's always something.
1287
01:35:08,305 --> 01:35:11,502
Something to invent,
something to read,
1288
01:35:11,709 --> 01:35:14,337
something to bite
and something to do
1289
01:35:14,545 --> 01:35:17,912
to make a sanctuary,
no matter how small.
1290
01:35:28,726 --> 01:35:31,923
And for this reason,
I am happy to say,
1291
01:35:32,129 --> 01:35:37,066
the Baudelaires were
very fortunate indeed.
1292
01:46:12,102 --> 01:46:15,594
Oh, the captain loved
The ladies
1293
01:46:15,805 --> 01:46:18,205
But he dragged himself
A wife
1294
01:46:18,408 --> 01:46:22,003
Now he's wishin' he was fishin'
But he's on the hook for life
1295
01:46:22,212 --> 01:46:23,509
Well, I guess he should not
Ought-er
1296
01:46:23,713 --> 01:46:25,908
But he drowned her
In the water
1297
01:46:26,116 --> 01:46:27,811
And then a flounder
Downed her
1298
01:46:28,017 --> 01:46:30,110
That's why they never
Found her
1299
01:46:35,425 --> 01:46:38,758
Bum buttery, flit fluttery
Dum diddly-ooh
1300
01:46:38,962 --> 01:46:42,261
Bum buttery, bluebird
Is singing a tune
1301
01:46:42,465 --> 01:46:45,832
Daffy-down-dillies awaken
And prune
1302
01:46:46,035 --> 01:46:48,833
Bursting in bloom
All the flowers assume
1303
01:46:49,038 --> 01:46:52,838
It's a loverly, loverly spring
1304
01:47:00,283 --> 01:47:03,582
Chit-chattery chipmunks
All singing along
1305
01:47:03,787 --> 01:47:07,188
Humming their
Join-in-a-spring-along song
1306
01:47:07,390 --> 01:47:10,223
Spring is the springiest time
For a song
1307
01:47:10,427 --> 01:47:13,828
It's a loverly, loverly spring
1308
01:47:14,030 --> 01:47:17,591
In the forest we play
With the rabbits all day
1309
01:47:17,801 --> 01:47:21,202
We visit the birdies
And fishes
1310
01:47:21,404 --> 01:47:24,805
There's nary a care
When there's spring in the air
1311
01:47:25,008 --> 01:47:28,603
The feeling is just
Too delicious
1312
01:47:28,812 --> 01:47:32,213
Rum-buttery buttercups
All in a row
1313
01:47:32,415 --> 01:47:35,714
Trilling and thrilling
And stealing the show
1314
01:47:35,919 --> 01:47:38,820
May is the merriest month
That I know
1315
01:47:39,022 --> 01:47:41,456
It's a loverly, loverly
1316
01:47:41,658 --> 01:47:42,920
La-la-loverly
1317
01:47:43,126 --> 01:47:46,152
La-la-la-loverly spring
101391
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