subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Chris.Rock.Never.Scared.2004.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,300 Captions Copyright 2004 HOME BOX OFFICE 3 00:00:06,667 --> 00:00:08,334 I THINK HE'S A FUNNY GUY, HE'S ORIGINAL. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,868 HE'S A HILARIOUS MAN AND HE'S A SUPERSTAR. 6 00:00:11,934 --> 00:00:13,400 AND I HAVE TWO TICKETS 7 00:00:13,467 --> 00:00:14,868 FOR ME AND MY BABY TO GO SEE HIM. 8 00:00:14,934 --> 00:00:16,100 IT'S GONNA BE A GREAT SHOW. 9 00:00:27,734 --> 00:00:28,701 ( woman ) AS HE SAYS... 10 00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,834 "THERE'S BLACK FOLKS AND THERE'S NIGGAS." 11 00:00:30,901 --> 00:00:35,267 I THINK HE'S A... VERY PROGRESSIVE BLACK MAN. 12 00:00:37,834 --> 00:00:40,000 ( man ) I THINK HE'S TRUE WITH EVERYTHING HE SAYS. 13 00:00:40,067 --> 00:00:41,133 HE HITS HOME. 14 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,200 I MEAN, JUST ALL HIS JOKES ARE ON POINT, 15 00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:45,067 AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT 16 00:00:45,133 --> 00:00:47,701 AT ALL TIMES. 17 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:50,267 ( male announcer ) D.C., ARE YOU READY ?! 18 00:00:50,334 --> 00:00:53,500 D.C., ARE YOU READY ?! 19 00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,434 GIVE IT UP FOR MY BROTHER ! 20 00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:57,500 THE ONE, THE ONLY... 21 00:00:57,567 --> 00:01:01,567 CHRIS ROOOOOOOCK ! 22 00:01:01,634 --> 00:01:04,767 ( cheers & applause ) 23 00:01:16,100 --> 00:01:19,534 ( cheering continues ) 24 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:44,901 THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! 25 00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:48,367 THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT ! 26 00:01:48,434 --> 00:01:49,534 YES ! 27 00:01:49,601 --> 00:01:52,801 WELCOME, SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN ! 28 00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:57,834 THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT TO MY FOURTH HBO SPECIAL. 29 00:01:57,901 --> 00:01:59,834 THAT'S RIGHT, BABY. 30 00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,734 ( cheering ) 31 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,968 WE'RE GONNA DO IT RIGHT, MAN. 32 00:02:04,033 --> 00:02:06,434 IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE, IN WASHINGTON, D.C. 33 00:02:06,500 --> 00:02:08,968 D.C. 34 00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:10,434 ( cheering ) 35 00:02:11,667 --> 00:02:14,300 THAT'S RIGHT, LOVELY CONSTITUTION HALL. 36 00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,767 THAT'S RIGHT, MAN. 37 00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:19,033 NOW, I HAVEN'T TOURED IN A LONG TIME. 38 00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:21,334 I HAVEN'T DONE A SPECIAL FOR A LONG TIME. 39 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,667 I WAS WAITING FOR SPECIAL THINGS TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE. 40 00:02:23,734 --> 00:02:26,000 AND A LOT'S HAPPENED IN MY LIFE SINCE THE LAST TIME 41 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,133 I WAS ON THE ROAD, MAN. 42 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,367 I HAD A LITTLE BABY GIRL, I HAD A LITTLE BABY GIRL. 43 00:02:31,434 --> 00:02:33,234 A LITTLE BABY GIRL, YEAH. 44 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,534 IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. 45 00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:37,567 I MEAN, EVEN ROACHES HAVE KIDS, RIGHT ? 46 00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:39,133 BUT I GOT A LITTLE BABY GIRL, RIGHT ? 47 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,834 AND IT'S AMAZING WHEN YOU HAVE A GIRL. 48 00:02:41,901 --> 00:02:44,067 YOU'RE A MAN, YOU HAVE A GIRL. 49 00:02:44,133 --> 00:02:46,467 IT'S EYE-OPENING. 50 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:50,500 BECAUSE I'VE REALIZED I'M THE MAN IN HER LIFE. 51 00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:52,667 AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAUGHTER 52 00:02:52,734 --> 00:02:55,400 IS GONNA AFFECT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH MEN 53 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,400 FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. 54 00:02:57,467 --> 00:02:59,801 AND EVERY MAN IN HERE HAS DATED A WOMAN 55 00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:02,868 WITH SOME DADDY ISSUES. 56 00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:05,534 THAT SHIT AIN'T FUN, OKAY ? 57 00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:08,367 SHE GIVING YOU A HARD TIME OVER SOME SHIT HER DADDY DID 58 00:03:08,434 --> 00:03:11,067 IN 1969, OKAY ? 59 00:03:11,133 --> 00:03:13,334 THAT SHIT AIN'T NEVER FUN ! 60 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:15,033 SOMETIMES, I'M WALKING WITH MY DAUGHTER, 61 00:03:15,100 --> 00:03:17,467 I'M TALKING TO MY DAUGHTER, I'M LOOKING AT HER, 62 00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:19,200 I'M PUSHING HER IN HER STROLLER, 63 00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,567 AND SOMETIMES I PICK HER UP 64 00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,167 AND I JUST STARE AT HER, 65 00:03:22,234 --> 00:03:25,734 AND I REALIZE MY ONLY JOB IN LIFE... 66 00:03:25,801 --> 00:03:29,901 IS TO KEEP HER OFF THE POLE. 67 00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:38,133 KEEP MY BABY OFF THE POLE ! 68 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,634 I MEAN, THEY DON'T GRADE FATHERS. 69 00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:41,033 BUT IF YOUR DAUGHTER'S A STRIPPER, 70 00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:43,667 YOU FUCKED UP. 71 00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:49,400 AND I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF THE STRIPPERS, 72 00:03:49,467 --> 00:03:50,901 BECAUSE SOME OF THESE GIRLS WERE ABUSED. 73 00:03:50,968 --> 00:03:52,400 SOME OF THEM WERE ABUSED. 74 00:03:52,467 --> 00:03:56,133 AND SOME OF THEM JUST MISSED A FEW HUGS. 75 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,167 SOME OF THEM ARE LIKE, "DADDY, CAN WE TALK ?" 76 00:03:58,234 --> 00:04:00,033 ( gruffly ) "HEY, I'M WATCHING THE GAME !" 77 00:04:00,100 --> 00:04:02,434 ( sobbing ) "I'LL SHOW YOU ! 78 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:06,100 "I'M GONNA DANCE NAKED TO MOTLEY CRUE RECORDS ! 79 00:04:06,167 --> 00:04:09,000 "I'M GONNA CHANGE MY NAME TO CINNA-BUNS, 80 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:12,434 AND I'M GONNA WEAR CLEAR HEELS !" 81 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:15,534 WHEN DID CLEAR HEELS BECOME THE NEW WHORE UNIFORM ? 82 00:04:15,601 --> 00:04:18,033 WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN ? 83 00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,934 WAS THERE A BIG, OLD HO CONVENTION, 84 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,000 AND ALL THE HOES GOT TOGETHER AND SAID, 85 00:04:22,067 --> 00:04:24,834 "WE NEED SOMETHING NEW ? 86 00:04:24,901 --> 00:04:28,267 SOMETHING THAT JUST SAYS NASTY." 87 00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:31,767 AND ONE GIRL SAID, "I GOT IT, CLEAR HEELS !" 88 00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:37,667 OOH, GIRL, YOU DISGUSTING ! 89 00:04:37,734 --> 00:04:40,267 NO, NO, I GOT NOTHING AGAINST THE STRIPPERS. 90 00:04:40,334 --> 00:04:43,100 SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO IT. 91 00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:48,000 SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE ON THE MONUMENTAL RESPONSIBILITY 92 00:04:48,067 --> 00:04:50,100 THAT THE STRIPPERS DO ! 93 00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:51,500 SOMEBODY'S GOTTA DO IT. 94 00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:55,834 SOMEBODY HAS TO ENTERTAIN THE MARRIED MEN OF AMERICA ! 95 00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:58,434 SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT. 96 00:04:58,500 --> 00:04:59,767 OKAY ? 97 00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,601 YOUR WIFE, YOU KNOW, YOUR WIFE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. 98 00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:06,534 BUT SHE AIN'T GONNA ENTERTAIN YOU. 99 00:05:06,601 --> 00:05:07,968 YOU GIVE YOUR WIFE SOME CLEAR HEELS-- 100 00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:11,000 "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ?! 101 00:05:11,067 --> 00:05:15,300 "GET THIS HO SHIT OUT MY HOUSE ! 102 00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:18,234 NOW, WASH YOUR HANDS, SO YOU CAN EAT !" 103 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,234 I GOT NOTHING AGAINST THE STRIPPERS, 104 00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:25,801 BUT THE STRIP CLUBS ARE VERY ADDICTIVE. 105 00:05:25,868 --> 00:05:28,434 NOT TO ME, BUT TO OTHER PEOPLE ! 106 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,100 THEY ARE ADDICTIVE. 107 00:05:30,167 --> 00:05:31,934 EVERY GUY IN HERE GOT A FRIEND 108 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,868 THAT'S ADDICTED TO STRIP CLUBS. 109 00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:38,334 ADDICTED LIKE HEROIN, OKAY ? 110 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:39,667 ADDICTED. 111 00:05:39,734 --> 00:05:42,000 YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS THAT CANNOT FUNCTION 112 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,868 IN A NORMAL CLUB ? 113 00:05:43,934 --> 00:05:45,834 YOU TAKE THEM TO A NORMAL CLUB, 114 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:47,267 THEY ASK ONE GIRL TO DANCE. 115 00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:48,601 "EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE ?" 116 00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:49,901 "NO, MAYBE, A LITTLE BIT LATER." 117 00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:52,868 "YO, MAN, LET'S GO TO THE TITTY BAR, MAN. 118 00:05:52,934 --> 00:05:57,400 "MAN, THESE BITCHES IS STUCK UP, MAN ! 119 00:05:57,467 --> 00:06:00,868 I GAVE THIS BITCH A DOLLAR, SHE AIN'T DO NOTHING !" 120 00:06:00,934 --> 00:06:02,200 NO, NO, NO, NO. 121 00:06:02,267 --> 00:06:05,634 WE ALL GOT THOSE FRIENDS THAT'S ADDICTED TO STRIP CLUBS. 122 00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:07,567 YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS THAT GO TO THE STRIP CLUB 123 00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:10,000 IN THE DAYTIME ? 124 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,200 IF YOU'RE AT A STRIP CLUB AND THE SUN IS OUT, 125 00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:15,100 YOU GOT SOME PROBLEMS. 126 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:18,667 YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS THAT EAT AT THE STRIP CLUB ? 127 00:06:18,734 --> 00:06:20,734 EAT AT THE BUFFET ? 128 00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:27,000 HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU EAT AT A NASTY-ASS STRIP CLUB ?! 129 00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:29,734 WHAT ?! 130 00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:32,534 ARE YOU THAT HUNGRY ?! 131 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,968 MOTHERFUCKER, GO TO MICKEY D'S OR SOME SHIT ! 132 00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:39,901 RWANDAN REFUGEES WON'T EAT THAT SHIT ! 133 00:06:39,968 --> 00:06:42,100 AT A DAMN STRIP CLUB, 134 00:06:42,167 --> 00:06:47,000 TITTIES AND TATER TOTS DON'T MIX ! 135 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:48,834 BUT I GOT NOTHING AGAINST THE STRIPPERS. 136 00:06:48,901 --> 00:06:52,534 WHAT I GOT A PROBLEM WITH IS THE STRIPPER MYTH. 137 00:06:52,601 --> 00:06:54,400 YOU KNOW THE STRIPPER MYTH. 138 00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:55,968 THERE'S A STRIPPER MYTH 139 00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,434 THAT'S BEING PERPETUATED THROUGHOUT SOCIETY. 140 00:06:58,500 --> 00:06:59,701 THE STRIPPER MYTH IS, 141 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:04,801 "I'M STRIPPING TO PAY MY TUITION." 142 00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:07,601 NO, YOU'RE NOT ! 143 00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:10,167 THERE'S NO STRIPPERS IN COLLEGE ! 144 00:07:10,234 --> 00:07:13,834 THERE'S NO CLEAR HEELS IN BIOLOGY ! 145 00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:15,767 SHIT, MAN ! 146 00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:16,968 I DIDN'T KNOW THEY HAD A COLLEGE 147 00:07:17,033 --> 00:07:20,300 THAT ONLY TOOK $1 BILLS. 148 00:07:20,367 --> 00:07:23,701 AND IF THEY GOT SO MANY STRIPPERS IN COLLEGE, 149 00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:27,234 HOW COME I NEVER GOT A SMART LAP DANCE ? 150 00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:29,300 I NEVER GOT A GIRL THAT SAT ON MY LAP AND SAID, 151 00:07:29,367 --> 00:07:33,801 "IF I WAS YOU, I WOULD DIVERSIFY MY PORTFOLIO." 152 00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:37,634 "YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE THE END OF THE COLD WAR, 153 00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:41,934 I FIND NATO OBSOLETE !" 154 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,000 NOW, I'M 39 YEARS OLD, 39 YEARS OLD, YEP. 155 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,067 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "REALLY ?" 156 00:07:48,133 --> 00:07:49,300 YEAH, MAN. 157 00:07:49,367 --> 00:07:52,567 NEW JACK CITY'S A LONG TIME AGO. 158 00:07:52,634 --> 00:07:56,734 ( applause ) 159 00:08:00,033 --> 00:08:02,167 NOW, I'M 39, RIGHT ? 160 00:08:02,234 --> 00:08:04,868 AND I STILL LOVE RAP MUSIC. 161 00:08:04,934 --> 00:08:08,067 I LOVE RAP MUSIC, MAN. 162 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,534 YOU KNOW, I LOVE IT ! 163 00:08:11,601 --> 00:08:13,634 BUT I'M TIRED OF DEFENDING IT. 164 00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:15,400 BECAUSE YOU GOTTA DEFEND RAP MUSIC, MAN. 165 00:08:15,467 --> 00:08:17,901 PEOPLE GO, "THAT'S NOT MUSIC, THAT'S NOT ART." 166 00:08:17,968 --> 00:08:19,100 "THAT'S GARBAGE ! 167 00:08:19,167 --> 00:08:20,567 "HOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO THAT GARBAGE ? 168 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,767 HOW CAN YOU LISTEN TO THAT TRASH ?" 169 00:08:22,834 --> 00:08:26,200 AND IN THE OLD DAYS, IT WAS EASY TO DEFEND RAP MUSIC. 170 00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:29,968 IT WAS EASY TO DEFEND IT ON AN INTELLECTUAL LEVEL. 171 00:08:30,033 --> 00:08:32,200 YOU COULD BREAK IT DOWN INTELLECTUALLY, 172 00:08:32,267 --> 00:08:36,334 WHY GRANDMASTER FLASH WAS ART, WHY RUN-DMC WAS ART. 173 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,100 WHY WHODINI WAS ART AND MUSIC. 174 00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:42,868 YOU COULD BREAK IT DOWN INTELLECTUALLY, OKAY ?! 175 00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:44,400 AND I LOVE ALL THE RAPPERS TODAY, 176 00:08:44,467 --> 00:08:47,300 BUT IT'S HARD TO DEFEND THIS SHIT. 177 00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:48,868 IT'S HARD, MAN. 178 00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:53,267 IT'S HARD TO DEFEND, "I GOT HOES IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES." 179 00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:54,734 IT'S HARD TO DEFEND, 180 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:58,467 "MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY." 181 00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,734 WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE'S A BITCH IN HIS WAY... 182 00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:08,534 THAT HE NEEDS TO MOVE ! 183 00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:11,734 THUS, THE TERM, "MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY." 184 00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:12,934 YOU NEED TO OPEN YOUR EYES, 185 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,968 SO YOU CAN GET THE BITCHES OUTTA YOUR WAY ! 186 00:09:17,033 --> 00:09:20,567 MY FAVORITE SONG RIGHT NOW IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DEFEND. 187 00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,434 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE ! 188 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,434 WE SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF OURSELVES 189 00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:27,167 FOR LIKING THIS FUCKING SONG. 190 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,500 LIL' JON. 191 00:09:30,567 --> 00:09:32,767 ( cheering ) 192 00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:33,868 YOU KNOW THAT SHIT. 193 00:09:33,934 --> 00:09:36,634 ♪ TO THE WINDOW TO THE WALL ♪ 194 00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:41,667 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIP FROM MY BALLS ♪ 195 00:09:41,734 --> 00:09:45,767 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIP FROM MY BALLS ♪ 196 00:09:45,834 --> 00:09:50,267 ♪ SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET ♪ 197 00:09:54,868 --> 00:09:56,234 AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S REAL WILD ? 198 00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:57,334 YOU'LL GO TO A CLUB, 199 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:58,601 YOU'LL SEE GIRLS DANCING TO THAT SHIT. 200 00:09:58,667 --> 00:09:59,834 LOVING IT ! 201 00:09:59,901 --> 00:10:01,133 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIP FROM MY BALLS ♪ 202 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,067 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIP FROM MY BALLS ♪ 203 00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:04,934 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT 'TIL THE SWEAT ♪ 204 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,234 'TIL THE SWEAT DRIP FROM MY BALLS ! 205 00:10:07,300 --> 00:10:09,267 ♪ MY BALLS SKEET SKEET ♪ 206 00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,334 ♪ MY BALLS SKEET SKEET ♪ 207 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,467 ♪ 'TIL THE SWEAT 'TIL THE SWEAT ♪ 208 00:10:13,534 --> 00:10:17,534 ♪ MY BALLS MY BALLS ♪ 209 00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:20,968 YOU KNOW WHAT'S WILD ? 210 00:10:21,033 --> 00:10:22,901 I FEEL SORRY FOR THE GUYS THAT GOTTA PICK A WIFE 211 00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:25,868 OUTTA THIS BUNCH ! 212 00:10:25,934 --> 00:10:28,100 "UH, DADDY, WHERE'D YOU MEET MOMMY ?" 213 00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:32,067 "OH, SHE WAS SINGING ABOUT BALLS AT A CLUB." 214 00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:35,601 SKEET, SKEET, SKEET ! 215 00:10:35,667 --> 00:10:37,234 HA, HA, HA, HA , HA, HA. 216 00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,567 YOU KNOW WHAT'S WILD ? 217 00:10:38,634 --> 00:10:41,734 PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY RAP MUSIC IS MISOGYNISTIC 218 00:10:41,801 --> 00:10:43,901 AND IT'S DEGRADING TO WOMEN. 219 00:10:43,968 --> 00:10:47,400 BUT WHAT I REALIZE, MAN, IS WOMEN THAT LIKE RAP 220 00:10:47,467 --> 00:10:50,868 DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 221 00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:54,834 WOMEN THAT LIKE RAP DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAYIN'. 222 00:10:54,901 --> 00:10:59,767 IF THE BEAT'S ALL RIGHT, SHE WILL DANCE ALL NIGHT ! 223 00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:01,701 WOMEN DON'T GIVE A FUCK ! 224 00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:03,434 THE NASTIER, THE BETTER ! 225 00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:04,934 I SEE GIRLS ON THE FLOOR 226 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,534 DANCING TO THE NASTIEST SHIT EVER MADE. 227 00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:09,200 JUST ON THE FLOOR, LIKE, 228 00:11:09,267 --> 00:11:11,701 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 229 00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,033 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 230 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:14,767 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 231 00:11:14,834 --> 00:11:16,434 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 232 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:17,634 ♪ I PUT A DICK IN HER EAR A DICK IN HER EAR ♪ 233 00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:20,000 ♪ DICK IN HER EAR DICK IN HER EAR ♪ 234 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,267 ♪ FUCK HER IN THE EYE FUCK HER IN THE EYE ♪ 235 00:11:22,334 --> 00:11:24,434 ♪ FUCK HER IN THE EYE FUCK HER IN THE EYE ♪ 236 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:26,400 ♪ BLIND THE BITCH BLIND THE BITCH ♪ 237 00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:29,200 ♪ BLIND THE BITCH ♪ 238 00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,033 NOW, YOU KNOW WHAT'S WILD ? 239 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:38,334 IF YOU MENTION TO A WOMAN 240 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,567 THAT THE SONG IS DISGUSTING AND MISOGYNISTIC, 241 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,834 THEY ALL GIVE YOU THE SAME ANSWER. 242 00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:46,234 "HE AIN'T TALKING ABOUT ME !" 243 00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,868 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 244 00:11:47,934 --> 00:11:49,500 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 245 00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:53,267 ♪ I PUT A DICK IN HER EAR A DICK IN HER EAR ♪ 246 00:11:53,334 --> 00:11:54,367 "HE SAID YOUR NAME !" 247 00:11:54,434 --> 00:11:55,834 "NO, HE DIDN'T !" 248 00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:57,300 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 249 00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:00,267 ♪ SMACK HER WITH A DICK SMACK HER WITH A DICK ♪ 250 00:12:02,534 --> 00:12:05,500 LOVE RAP MUSIC, TIRED OF DEFENDING IT, MAN. 251 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:07,000 AND IT'S WEIRD WITH RAP MUSIC, MAN. 252 00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:09,500 BECAUSE PEOPLE EITHER LOVE IT OR HATE IT. 253 00:12:09,567 --> 00:12:12,734 EVEN THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT HATES RAP. 254 00:12:12,801 --> 00:12:15,100 THE GOVERNMENT HATES RAP. 255 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:16,667 YOU KNOW WHY I SAY THAT ? 256 00:12:16,734 --> 00:12:21,133 BECAUSE THEY DON'T ARREST ANYBODY THAT KILLS RAPPERS ! 257 00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:31,367 THEY DON'T GOT NO CLUES, NO SUSPECTS. 258 00:12:31,434 --> 00:12:34,133 THEY DON'T HAVE SHIT WHEN IT'S A DEAD RAPPER. 259 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,133 THEY DON'T FILL OUT A POLICE REPORT. 260 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,767 THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHALK LINE 261 00:12:38,834 --> 00:12:40,934 WHEN IT'S A DEAD RAPPER ! 262 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,500 SHIT, IF YOU WANNA GET AWAY WITH MURDER, 263 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,634 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS SHOOT SOMEBODY IN THE HEAD 264 00:12:44,701 --> 00:12:48,200 AND PUT A DEMO TAPE IN THEIR POCKET ! 265 00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:54,200 "THIS IS A RAP KILLING, LET'S GO HOME." 266 00:12:54,267 --> 00:12:56,200 THE GOVERNMENT HATES RAP. 267 00:12:56,267 --> 00:12:58,334 MAN. LOOK AT ALL THESE DEAD RAPPERS, MAN. 268 00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,868 BIGGIE SMALLS. 269 00:12:59,934 --> 00:13:01,367 JAM MASTER JAY. 270 00:13:01,434 --> 00:13:03,234 TUPAC SHAKUR. 271 00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:08,267 YO, TUPAC WAS GUNNED DOWN ON THE LAS VEGAS STRIP 272 00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:10,901 AFTER A MIKE TYSON FIGHT. 273 00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:14,801 NOW, HOW MANY WITNESSES DO YOU NEED TO SEE SOME SHIT 274 00:13:14,868 --> 00:13:17,267 BEFORE YOU ARREST SOMEBODY ? 275 00:13:17,334 --> 00:13:19,033 SHIT ! 276 00:13:19,100 --> 00:13:20,901 MORE PEOPLE SAW TUPAC GET SHOT 277 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:25,234 THAN THE LAST EPISODE OF SEINFELD ! 278 00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:26,901 AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUCKED UP ? 279 00:13:26,968 --> 00:13:30,367 EVERY YEAR, TUPAC COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD, 280 00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:35,367 RECORDS A NEW ALBUM WITH CLUES IN IT... 281 00:13:37,434 --> 00:13:40,200 EVERY RECORD GOT A CLUE IF YOU LISTEN REAL HARD ! 282 00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:41,734 ♪ THE BROTHER IN THE RED SHOT ME DEAD ♪ 283 00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:43,834 RIGHT THERE ! 284 00:13:43,901 --> 00:13:45,334 TRACK 4 ! 285 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,434 'PAC IS TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING ! 286 00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:48,868 LISTEN, AGAIN ! 287 00:13:48,934 --> 00:13:50,300 ♪ IT WAS A NIGGA NAMED KEVIN WITH A MACK 11 ♪ 288 00:13:50,367 --> 00:13:52,434 RIGHT THERE ! 289 00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:58,667 'PAC IS REACHING OUT TO US ! LISTEN ! 290 00:13:58,734 --> 00:14:02,234 THE GOVERNMENT HATES RAP, MAN ! 291 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:05,367 AND ONLY RAPPERS GET GUNNED DOWN, LIKE THIS. 292 00:14:05,434 --> 00:14:06,601 I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, 293 00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:10,133 IF BILLY JOEL, ELTON JOHN AND DAVID BOWIE GOT SHOT, 294 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:16,200 THEY'D HAVE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S HOUSE SURROUNDED ! 295 00:14:16,267 --> 00:14:19,801 THE GOVERNMENT HATES RAP ! 296 00:14:19,868 --> 00:14:21,601 AND ONLY THE GOOD RAPPERS ARE DEAD ! 297 00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:22,801 ONLY THE GOOD ONES ! 298 00:14:22,868 --> 00:14:23,868 BIGGIE DEAD. 299 00:14:23,934 --> 00:14:25,000 TUPAC DEAD. 300 00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:28,734 VANILLA ICE, STILL ALIVE. 301 00:14:31,634 --> 00:14:35,467 THE GOVERNMENT HATES RAP ! 302 00:14:35,534 --> 00:14:38,601 YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THEY CAN FIND SADDAM HUSSEIN 303 00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,200 IN A FUCKING HOLE, 304 00:14:40,267 --> 00:14:43,100 BUT YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO SHOT TUPAC ?! 305 00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:46,801 ( cheers and applause ) 306 00:14:46,868 --> 00:14:48,767 SHIT ! 307 00:14:48,834 --> 00:14:54,100 THEY FOUND SADDAM HUSSEIN IN FUCKING IRAQ ! 308 00:14:54,167 --> 00:14:58,000 TUPAC GOT SHOT IN VEGAS ! 309 00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:02,133 IN FUCKING VEGAS ! NOT ON NO SIDE STREET ! 310 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,667 THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT SHOT ON THE STRIP ! 311 00:15:04,734 --> 00:15:07,667 IN FRONT OF CIRCUS, CIRCUS ! 312 00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:11,434 DAMN ! IT'S ALL FUCKED UP. 313 00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:13,701 THE WHOLE WORLD'S FUCKED UP, MAN. 314 00:15:13,767 --> 00:15:17,200 MICHAEL JACKSON LOST HIS MIND. 315 00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:18,834 WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MICHAEL ? 316 00:15:18,901 --> 00:15:22,567 ANOTHER KID ? ANOTHER KID ? 317 00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:24,000 I THOUGHT IT WAS GROUNDHOG'S DAY 318 00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:27,701 WHEN I HEARD THAT SHIT. 319 00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:32,133 ANOTHER KID, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE ! 320 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,968 YO, THAT'S HOW MUCH WE LOVE MICHAEL. 321 00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:39,267 WE LOVE MICHAEL SO MUCH, WE LET THE FIRST KID SLIDE. 322 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,734 ANOTHER KID ?! 323 00:15:41,801 --> 00:15:44,000 I'M FUCKING DONE ! I'M DONE WITH MICHAEL ! 324 00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:45,868 I'M DONE, I WAS A FAN MY WHOLE LIFE, 325 00:15:45,934 --> 00:15:47,500 I AM FUCKING DONE ! 326 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:50,934 I'M HANDING IN MY GLOVE, OKAY. 327 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:54,500 I SAW MICHAEL ON 60 MINUTES. 328 00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:57,100 ED BRADLEY TRIED HIS BEST 329 00:15:57,167 --> 00:16:02,133 TO MAKE MICHAEL LOOK LIKE A MAMMAL. 330 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:07,667 LIKE SOMEBODY THAT DRANK WATER AND BREATHED AIR, RIGHT ? 331 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:10,334 HE GAVE MICHAEL THE EASIEST QUESTIONS IN THE WORLD. 332 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,767 THE EASIEST G.E.D. QUESTIONS IN THE WORLD. 333 00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:17,367 AND MICHAEL COULD NOT PASS THE TEST. 334 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:20,901 ( gruffly ) IT'S LIKE, "UH, MICHAEL, DO YOU THINK IT'S PROPER" 335 00:16:20,968 --> 00:16:23,000 "FOR A 45-YEAR-OLD MAN 336 00:16:23,067 --> 00:16:29,701 TO SLEEP IN THE BED WITH 13-YEAR-OLD BOYS ?" 337 00:16:34,300 --> 00:16:36,734 ( squeakily ) "YES !" 338 00:16:38,734 --> 00:16:43,601 "OKAY, OKAY, LET ME REPHRASE THAT. 339 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:49,400 "UH, MICHAEL, WOULD YOU LET YOUR CHILDREN SLEEP IN THE BED 340 00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:52,167 "OF A 45-YEAR-OLD MAN 341 00:16:52,234 --> 00:16:56,434 THAT'S BEEN ACCUSED OF CHILD MOLESTATION ?" 342 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,000 "YES !" 343 00:17:00,267 --> 00:17:01,834 ED BRADLEY LOOKED AT MICHAEL JACKSON 344 00:17:01,901 --> 00:17:07,267 LIKE HE WANTED TO SAY, "NIGGA, IS YOU CRAZY ?!" 345 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,267 LIKE HE WANTED TO TAKE THE 60 MINUTES CLOCK 346 00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,667 AND PUSH THE SHIT FORWARD, 347 00:17:17,734 --> 00:17:21,500 AND, SAY, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY SHOW !" 348 00:17:21,567 --> 00:17:22,968 "I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS 60 MINUTES !" 349 00:17:23,033 --> 00:17:25,734 "IT'S 10 MINUTES, GET OUTTA HERE !" 350 00:17:25,801 --> 00:17:29,033 YOU NUTTY NIGGA, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ? 351 00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,634 I'M DONE WITH MICHAEL, MAN ! 352 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,267 YOU SEE MICHAEL GO TO COURT ? 353 00:17:32,334 --> 00:17:35,334 MOTHERFUCKER COME TO COURT 20 MINUTES LATE. 354 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,968 WHAT KIND OF BLACK MAN 355 00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:40,701 GONNA COME TO COURT 20 MINUTES LATE ? 356 00:17:40,767 --> 00:17:44,934 THIS AIN'T BARBERSHOP 2 ! 357 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,100 THIS IS COURT, MOTHERFUCKER ! 358 00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,434 SHIT ! 359 00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,000 AND HE DON'T EVEN WEAR A REAL SUIT TO COURT. 360 00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:53,434 COMING IN THERE LOOKING LIKE CAPTAIN CRUNCH ! 361 00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:56,300 ( laughter & applause ) 362 00:18:01,868 --> 00:18:04,100 SHIT, SHIT, WHO'S YOUR LAWYER ? 363 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,834 FRANKENBERRY ? 364 00:18:06,901 --> 00:18:09,000 BETTER TAKE YOUR BLACK ASS TO BANANA REPUBLIC 365 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:12,367 AND GET YOU A DECENT SUIT. 366 00:18:12,434 --> 00:18:13,968 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT BOY ? 367 00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:15,300 I'M DONE WITH FUCKING MICHAEL ! 368 00:18:15,367 --> 00:18:18,467 WHAT THE FUCK ?! ANOTHER KID ?! 369 00:18:18,534 --> 00:18:20,200 ANOTHER-- THAT'S LIKE ANOTHER DEAD WHITE GIRL 370 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,133 SHOWING UP AT O.J.'S HOUSE. 371 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,801 ( laughter & applause ) 372 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:33,534 AND O.J. GOING, "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING--" 373 00:18:36,267 --> 00:18:37,634 MICHAEL JACKSON IS GOING TO JAIL. 374 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,868 AND IT'S GONNA BE A SAD SIGHT 375 00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:41,701 WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON GO TO JAIL. 376 00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:43,033 OH, WE'RE GONNA SHED A TEAR 377 00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,901 WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON GO TO JAIL. 378 00:18:44,968 --> 00:18:47,334 AND IT AIN'T EVEN GONNA BE SAD THE DAY HE GO IN ! 379 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,067 IT'S GONNA BE SAD LIKE A MONTH LATER... 380 00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:54,367 WHEN THAT PERM GROWS OUT OF HIS HAIR... 381 00:18:58,667 --> 00:19:01,901 THE SHIT'S ALL NAPPY AND GRAY. 382 00:19:01,968 --> 00:19:04,267 WHEN HIS MAKEUP'S ALL FUCKED UP 383 00:19:04,334 --> 00:19:05,934 BECAUSE HE DON'T GOT THE CRAYOLA PEOPLE 384 00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:11,133 TO FIX HIS FACE NO MORE... 385 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:14,200 THAT'S A FUCKING SAD-ASS SIGHT ! 386 00:19:14,267 --> 00:19:15,767 REMEMBER WHEN WE WAS YOUNG 387 00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:17,300 EVERYBODY USED TO HAVE THOSE ARGUMENTS ABOUT WHO'S BETTER, 388 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:19,300 MICHAEL JACKSON OR PRINCE ? 389 00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,067 PRINCE WON ! 390 00:19:22,133 --> 00:19:25,334 ( laughter & applause ) 391 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,200 YEAH, MAN, BUT MICHAEL WENT CRAZY. 392 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,500 NOW, JANET LOST HER DAMN MIND. 393 00:19:30,567 --> 00:19:34,934 WHIPPING OUT HER TITTY ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON. 394 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:39,534 ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON ! 395 00:19:39,601 --> 00:19:41,300 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL ? 396 00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,067 THIS AIN'T DEJA-VU ! 397 00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:45,667 THIS AIN'T MAGIC CITY, MOTHERFUCKER ! 398 00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:46,667 IT'S THE SUPER BOWL ! 399 00:19:46,734 --> 00:19:50,100 A TITTY ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON ! 400 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:52,467 PEOPLE COMING HOME FROM CHURCH, CUT ON THE TV-- 401 00:19:52,534 --> 00:19:55,601 OH, LORD ! 402 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:59,200 A TITTY ON A SUNDAY AFTERNOON ! 403 00:19:59,267 --> 00:20:03,300 AND A 40-YEAR-OLD TITTY, AT THAT ! 404 00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:07,167 YOU CAN'T JUST WHIP OUT A 40-YEAR-OLD TITTY ! 405 00:20:07,234 --> 00:20:11,601 THAT'S YOUR MAN'S TITTY ! THAT IS YOUR MAN'S TITTY ! 406 00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:12,834 40-YEAR-OLD TITTY ? 407 00:20:12,901 --> 00:20:14,200 YOUR MAN'S TITTY. 408 00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:15,534 20-YEAR-OLD TITTY ? 409 00:20:15,601 --> 00:20:18,801 COMMUNITY TITTY ! 410 00:20:21,968 --> 00:20:24,200 THAT'S FOR ALL TO SEE ! 411 00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:26,767 THE TITTY COULDN'T EVEN BELIEVE IT WAS OUTSIDE ! 412 00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,133 THE TITTY WAS, LIKE, 413 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,434 "OH, SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON ?! 414 00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:35,334 CLOSE THE DOOR, CLOSE THE DOOR !" 415 00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:42,868 MICHAEL'S CRAZY, JANET LOST HER MIND. 416 00:20:42,934 --> 00:20:47,367 NOW, I GOTTA SEE JERMAINE EVERY WEEK FOR THE BLOW-BY-BLOW. 417 00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,834 I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH JERMAINE ! 418 00:20:49,901 --> 00:20:54,100 I GOT THE "DO WHAT YOU DID WHEN YOU DID WHAT TO ME" ALBUM ! 419 00:20:54,167 --> 00:20:55,667 I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH JERMAINE ! 420 00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:58,601 JERMAINE LOOK CRAZIER THAN MICHAEL ! 421 00:20:58,667 --> 00:21:01,000 WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH JERMAINE ?! 422 00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:03,267 IS IT ME OR IS JERMAINE THE GREASIEST NIGGA 423 00:21:03,334 --> 00:21:08,667 YOU EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE ? 424 00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:12,300 WHAT THE FUCK ? MY GOD, MAN ! 425 00:21:12,367 --> 00:21:16,033 DOES HE JUST SPRAY ARMOR ALL ON HIS FACE OR SOME SHIT ? 426 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:19,300 JUST GREASY MOTHERFUCKER, MY GOD ! 427 00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:20,834 JUST GLISTENING, 428 00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:23,801 LIKE PATRICK EWING IN THE FOURTH QUARTER ! 429 00:21:23,868 --> 00:21:26,334 JUST-- JUST FUCKING-- 430 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,100 JUST GREASY, SHINY MOTHERFUCKER ! 431 00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:30,400 MY GOD ! 432 00:21:30,467 --> 00:21:31,767 WHEN JERMAINE'S ON THE TV, 433 00:21:31,834 --> 00:21:35,000 I GOTTA WIPE THE GREASE OFF THE SCREEN ! 434 00:21:35,067 --> 00:21:38,567 "I CAN'T SEE SHIT ! JERMAINE MUST HAVE BEEN ON !" 435 00:21:38,634 --> 00:21:41,133 THE POLICE CAN'T EVEN CAPTURE HIS ASS ! 436 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,133 HE JUST SLIPS OUT ! 437 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:45,400 THE POLICE ARE, LIKE, 438 00:21:45,467 --> 00:21:48,334 "SOMEBODY THROW SOME SAND ON THAT NIGGA ! 439 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,367 PLEASE !" 440 00:21:54,634 --> 00:21:56,334 THE JACKSONS LOST THEIR MIND. 441 00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:00,367 R. KELLY LOST HIS MIND THIS YEAR. 442 00:22:00,434 --> 00:22:02,067 WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH R. KELLY ? 443 00:22:02,133 --> 00:22:04,434 HE GOT A LOT OF BALLS, OKAY ? 444 00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:07,133 TALKING ABOUT, "IT AIN'T ME." 445 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,667 HE'S GOT A DAMN SEX TAPE OUT ! 446 00:22:08,734 --> 00:22:10,434 "IT AIN'T ME !" 447 00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:13,534 MOTHERFUCKER, WE KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ! 448 00:22:13,601 --> 00:22:15,167 THAT'S YOU, OKAY ? 449 00:22:15,234 --> 00:22:21,033 AND A DAMN SOUL TRAIN AWARD RIGHT NEXT TO THE BED ! 450 00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:25,500 "BEST R&B, '98," THAT'S YOU ! 451 00:22:25,567 --> 00:22:26,767 I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE 452 00:22:26,834 --> 00:22:29,100 R. KELLY WOULD COME OUTSIDE AFTER THIS SHIT. 453 00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:30,667 AT ONE POINT ON THE TAPE, 454 00:22:30,734 --> 00:22:33,067 R. KELLY'S EATING THIS GIRL'S ASS OUT 455 00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:36,834 LIKE IT'S PUPPY CHOW. 456 00:22:36,901 --> 00:22:40,901 HE'S IN HER ASS LIKE HE'S GOT DIABETES 457 00:22:40,968 --> 00:22:47,000 AND HER ASS GOT INSULIN IN IT ! 458 00:22:47,067 --> 00:22:49,234 ( growling ) 459 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,567 LOOKING LIKE THE MOVIE 28 DAYS LATER ! 460 00:22:56,634 --> 00:22:58,934 ( growling ) 461 00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:05,734 R.-FUCKING-KELLY, MAN. 462 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:07,267 THE WHOLE WORLD'S GOING CRAZY, MAN. 463 00:23:07,334 --> 00:23:08,868 SIEGFRIED AND ROY, 464 00:23:08,934 --> 00:23:11,834 THE TIGER BIT THE MAN IN THE HEAD. 465 00:23:11,901 --> 00:23:15,300 AND EVERYBODY'S MAD AT THE TIGER. 466 00:23:15,367 --> 00:23:17,367 TALK ABOUT THE TIGER WENT CRAZY. 467 00:23:17,434 --> 00:23:23,100 THAT TIGER AIN'T GO CRAZY ! THAT TIGER WENT TIGER ! 468 00:23:24,801 --> 00:23:26,534 YOU KNOW WHEN THE TIGER WENT CRAZY ? 469 00:23:26,601 --> 00:23:28,567 WHEN THE TIGER WAS RIDING AROUND ON A LITTLE BIKE 470 00:23:28,634 --> 00:23:31,267 WITH A HITLER HELMET ON ! 471 00:23:31,334 --> 00:23:33,767 "OH, SHIT, I'M A CRAZY TIGER ! 472 00:23:33,834 --> 00:23:39,901 WHOA, LORD, I'M CRAZY ! WHAT IS I GON' DO ?" 473 00:23:39,968 --> 00:23:42,868 WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY'S ALL FUCKED UP. 474 00:23:42,934 --> 00:23:45,367 WE'RE SO DESPERATE FOR ENTERTAINMENT 475 00:23:45,434 --> 00:23:48,133 THAT EVERYBODY'S FALLING FOR THIS MAGICIAN, DAVID BLAINE. 476 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,100 WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT ?! 477 00:23:50,167 --> 00:23:51,868 ARE WE SO DESPERATE THAT WE FALL 478 00:23:51,934 --> 00:23:55,300 FOR A TRICK-LESS MAGICIAN ?! 479 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:57,334 WHERE THE FUCK'S THE TRICK ? 480 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,868 CUT A LADY IN HALF ! PULL A RABBIT OUT A HAT ! 481 00:24:00,934 --> 00:24:02,234 DO SOMETHING ! 482 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:03,834 WHAT'S HIS LAST TRICK ? 483 00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:08,634 "I'M IN A BOX AND I AIN'T GONNA EAT ! 484 00:24:08,701 --> 00:24:11,901 I'M IN A BOX AND I AIN'T GONNA EAT !" 485 00:24:11,968 --> 00:24:13,267 THAT AIN'T NO TRICK ! 486 00:24:13,334 --> 00:24:16,767 THAT'S CALLED "LIVING IN THE PROJECTS" ! 487 00:24:16,834 --> 00:24:20,300 ( laughter & applause ) 488 00:24:21,667 --> 00:24:23,968 SHIT, MAN ! 489 00:24:24,033 --> 00:24:26,868 KOBE BRYANT LOST HIS MIND. 490 00:24:26,934 --> 00:24:29,534 WHAT THE FUCK IS KOBE THINKING ? 491 00:24:29,601 --> 00:24:31,200 WHAT IS ON KOBE'S MIND ? 492 00:24:31,267 --> 00:24:36,534 GOING TO COLORADO, AROUND ALL THESE WHITE PEOPLE, 493 00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:40,868 AND NOT BRINGING JOHNNIE COCHRAN. 494 00:24:42,968 --> 00:24:44,734 YOU GOTTA BRING JOHNNIE TO THAT SHIT ! 495 00:24:44,801 --> 00:24:46,000 THE GIRL'S STILL ALIVE ! 496 00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:49,300 JOHNNIE WILL KNOCK THIS OUT IN TWO WEEKS ! 497 00:24:49,367 --> 00:24:50,367 IS SHE BREATHING ? 498 00:24:50,434 --> 00:24:51,868 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SHIT. 499 00:24:51,934 --> 00:24:54,634 KOBE WOULDN'T MISS A PRACTICE IF HE HAD JOHNNIE ! 500 00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:56,901 WHAT THE FUCK, MAN ? IT DON'T LOOK RIGHT, MAN. 501 00:24:56,968 --> 00:24:58,934 SOME PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, "OH, YOU CAN'T HIRE JOHNNIE COCHRAN." 502 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,200 "'CAUSE IF YOU HIRE JOHNNIE COCHRAN, 503 00:25:00,267 --> 00:25:01,834 THEN, YOU LOOK GUILTY." 504 00:25:01,901 --> 00:25:06,467 YEAH... BUT YOU GO HOME ! 505 00:25:09,601 --> 00:25:12,601 WHAT, YOU WANNA LOOK INNOCENT IN JAIL ? 506 00:25:12,667 --> 00:25:16,567 I'D RATHER LOOK GUILTY AT THE MALL ! 507 00:25:19,701 --> 00:25:21,868 BUT, YO, DON'T LET KOBE-- 508 00:25:21,934 --> 00:25:23,367 DON'T LET ALL THIS CELEBRITY NEWS 509 00:25:23,434 --> 00:25:25,334 FOOL YOU, RIGHT NOW. 510 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,067 ALL THIS STUFF GOING ON IN THE NEWS. 511 00:25:27,133 --> 00:25:31,133 IT'S JUST A TRICK TO GET YOUR MIND OFF THE WAR. 512 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,634 THAT'S ALL IT IS. 513 00:25:32,701 --> 00:25:38,133 IT'S A TRICK TO GET YOUR MIND OFF THE WAR, OKAY ? 514 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:43,701 I THINK BUSH SENT THAT GIRL TO KOBE'S ROOM ! 515 00:25:43,767 --> 00:25:45,667 BUSH SENT THAT GIRL TO KOBE'S ROOM, 516 00:25:45,734 --> 00:25:49,234 BUSH SENT THAT LITTLE BOY TO MICHAEL JACKSON'S HOUSE. 517 00:25:49,300 --> 00:25:53,234 BUSH KILLED LACI PETERSON ! 518 00:25:53,300 --> 00:26:00,667 BUSH WAS FUCKING PARIS HILTON IN THAT VIDEO ! 519 00:26:00,734 --> 00:26:04,200 ALL TO GET YOUR MIND OFF THE WAR. 520 00:26:04,267 --> 00:26:06,400 BECAUSE BUSH LIED TO ME, THEY ALL LIED TO ME. 521 00:26:06,467 --> 00:26:08,100 THEY WERE LIKE, "WE GOTTA GO TO IRAQ 522 00:26:08,167 --> 00:26:10,968 "BECAUSE THEY'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS COUNTRY ON EARTH. 523 00:26:11,033 --> 00:26:14,000 THEY'RE THE MOST DANGEROUS REGIME IN THE WORLD." 524 00:26:14,067 --> 00:26:15,100 IF THEY'RE SO DANGEROUS, 525 00:26:15,167 --> 00:26:16,534 HOW COME IT ONLY TOOK TWO WEEKS 526 00:26:16,601 --> 00:26:19,634 TO TAKE OVER THE WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY ? 527 00:26:19,701 --> 00:26:23,167 SHIT ! 528 00:26:23,234 --> 00:26:27,500 MAN, YOU COULDN'T TAKE OVER BALTIMORE IN TWO WEEKS ! 529 00:26:31,100 --> 00:26:35,601 ( cheering ) 530 00:26:39,234 --> 00:26:40,500 NOW, THE WAR WAS COOL. 531 00:26:40,567 --> 00:26:42,033 WHEN THE WAR STARTED, IT WAS GREAT, MAN. 532 00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:43,300 IT BROUGHT ON A LOT OF PATRIOTISM. 533 00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:45,634 PATRIOTISM, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL. 534 00:26:45,701 --> 00:26:47,133 BUT SLOWLY BUT SURELY, 535 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,367 THE PATRIOTISM TURNED INTO HATROTISM. 536 00:26:50,434 --> 00:26:52,300 PEOPLE STARTED FREAKING OUT, THE WAR WAS WEIRD, MAN. 537 00:26:52,367 --> 00:26:53,801 BECAUSE YOU'D WATCH TV, MAN, 538 00:26:53,868 --> 00:26:55,434 YOU'D SEE THESE WEIRD WHITE GUYS. 539 00:26:55,500 --> 00:26:57,334 NOBODY HERE, YOU GUYS ARE OKAY. 540 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,000 BUT YOU'D SEE THESE WEIRD WHITE GUYS 541 00:27:00,067 --> 00:27:01,734 GETTING OVERLY PATRIOTIC 542 00:27:01,801 --> 00:27:03,367 AND THEY'D HAVE THEIR FUCKING FLAG HATS ON 543 00:27:03,434 --> 00:27:06,400 AND THEIR FLAG DRAWERS AND THEIR FLAG PICKUPS AND-- 544 00:27:06,467 --> 00:27:09,100 "I'M AMERICAN, MAN ! I'M AMERICAN ! 545 00:27:09,167 --> 00:27:11,067 "FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING FOREIGNERS ! 546 00:27:11,133 --> 00:27:13,300 I'M AMERICAN ! I'M AMERICAN !" 547 00:27:13,367 --> 00:27:15,267 YOU'RE, LIKE, "HEY, CALM THE FUCK DOWN !" 548 00:27:15,334 --> 00:27:16,500 "I'M AMERICAN--" 549 00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:18,567 THERE WAS A LOT OF ACCEPTED RACISM 550 00:27:18,634 --> 00:27:19,901 WHEN THE WAR STARTED, IT WAS ACCEPTED. 551 00:27:19,968 --> 00:27:22,634 "I'M AMERICAN, MAN ! I'M AMERICAN, MAN ! 552 00:27:22,701 --> 00:27:25,000 FUCK ALL THESE FOREIGNERS !" AND THAT WAS COOL. 553 00:27:25,067 --> 00:27:27,234 IT WAS, "I'M AMERICAN ! I'M AMERICAN, MAN !" 554 00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:28,968 FUCK THE FRENCH !" THAT WAS COOL ! 555 00:27:29,033 --> 00:27:32,267 "I'M AMERICAN, I'M AMERICAN ! FUCK ALL THESE ARABS !" 556 00:27:32,334 --> 00:27:33,734 AND THAT WAS COOL ! 557 00:27:33,801 --> 00:27:36,200 THEN, THEY WENT TO, "I'M AMERICAN, I'M AMERICAN ! 558 00:27:36,267 --> 00:27:37,734 FUCK ALL THESE ILLEGAL ALIENS !" 559 00:27:37,801 --> 00:27:39,500 THEN I STARTED LISTENING 560 00:27:39,567 --> 00:27:44,167 'CAUSE I KNOW NIGGAS AND JEWS IS NEXT ! 561 00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:51,968 IT'S, LIKE, "ANY DAY NOW ! 562 00:27:52,033 --> 00:27:54,934 THAT TRAIN'S NEVER LATE !" 563 00:27:58,634 --> 00:28:01,500 BUT THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S GOT A FUCKED UP MENTALITY, MAN ! 564 00:28:01,567 --> 00:28:03,701 WE'VE ALL GOT A GANG MENTALITY ! 565 00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:05,701 REPUBLICANS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. 566 00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:07,801 THE DEMOCRATS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. 567 00:28:07,868 --> 00:28:09,534 AND CONSERVATIVES ARE IDIOTS. 568 00:28:09,601 --> 00:28:11,133 AND LIBERALS ARE IDIOTS. 569 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:15,367 ANYONE THAT MAKES UP THEIR MIND BEFORE THEY HEAR THE ISSUES 570 00:28:15,434 --> 00:28:19,000 IS A FUCKING FOOL, OKAY ? 571 00:28:19,067 --> 00:28:23,200 ( laughter & applause ) 572 00:28:23,267 --> 00:28:25,801 EVERYBODY ! NO, NO, NO, NO ! 573 00:28:25,868 --> 00:28:28,367 EVERYBODY'S SO BUSY WANTING TO BE DOWN WITH A GANG, 574 00:28:28,434 --> 00:28:30,167 "I'M A CONSERVATIVE, I'M A LIBERAL, I'M CONSERVATIVE." 575 00:28:30,234 --> 00:28:33,534 IT'S BULLSHIT ! BE A FUCKING PERSON ! 576 00:28:33,601 --> 00:28:35,167 LISTEN ! 577 00:28:35,234 --> 00:28:37,467 LET IT SWIRL AROUND YOUR HEAD ! 578 00:28:37,534 --> 00:28:39,868 THEN, FORM YOUR OPINION ! 579 00:28:39,934 --> 00:28:45,033 NO NORMAL, DECENT PERSON IS ONE THING, OKAY ? 580 00:28:45,100 --> 00:28:47,067 I GOT SOME SHIT I'M CONSERVATIVE ABOUT. 581 00:28:47,133 --> 00:28:49,234 I GOT SOME SHIT I'M LIBERAL ABOUT. 582 00:28:49,300 --> 00:28:51,467 CRIME ? I'M CONSERVATIVE. 583 00:28:51,534 --> 00:28:55,868 PROSTITUTION ? I'M LIBERAL. 584 00:29:00,601 --> 00:29:02,267 AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO SCARE US. 585 00:29:02,334 --> 00:29:04,434 EVERYBODY'S TRYING TO SCARE US ! 586 00:29:04,500 --> 00:29:06,467 TELLING US TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR AL-QAEDA ! 587 00:29:06,534 --> 00:29:08,534 IT'S LIKE, "WHERE, WHERE ?" 588 00:29:08,601 --> 00:29:10,968 I AIN'T SCARED OF AL-QAEDA ! I'M FROM BROOKLYN. 589 00:29:11,033 --> 00:29:13,500 I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT AL-QAEDA, OKAY ? 590 00:29:13,567 --> 00:29:15,901 SHIT, MOTHERFUCK A AL-QAEDA. 591 00:29:15,968 --> 00:29:19,133 SHIT, DID AL-QAEDA BLOW UP THE BUILDING IN OKLAHOMA ? 592 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:20,434 NO ! 593 00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:23,033 DID AL-QAEDA PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR MAIL ? 594 00:29:23,100 --> 00:29:24,901 NO ! 595 00:29:24,968 --> 00:29:27,767 DID AL-QAEDA DRAG JAMES BYRD DOWN THE STREET 596 00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:30,734 'TIL HIS EYEBALLS POPPED OUT HIS FUCKING HEAD ? 597 00:29:30,801 --> 00:29:33,033 NO ! 598 00:29:33,100 --> 00:29:34,801 I AIN'T SCARED OF AL-QAEDA ! 599 00:29:34,868 --> 00:29:39,534 I'M SCARED OF AL-CRACKA ! 600 00:29:39,601 --> 00:29:43,067 ( cheering ) 601 00:29:49,300 --> 00:29:50,801 AH, MAN, BUT, YOU KNOW, AMERICAN PEOPLE, 602 00:29:50,868 --> 00:29:52,167 WHENEVER YOU LEAVE, MAN-- 603 00:29:52,234 --> 00:29:53,734 I LOVE MY COUNTRY, I LOVE IT HERE, MAN-- 604 00:29:53,801 --> 00:29:55,100 BUT WHENEVER YOU LEAVE, 605 00:29:55,167 --> 00:29:56,934 YOU FIND OUT PEOPLE REALLY HATE AMERICA. 606 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,000 IT'S GOOD SOMETIMES, OKAY ? 607 00:29:59,067 --> 00:30:01,701 BECAUSE WE GOT SO MUCH SHIT, OKAY ? 608 00:30:01,767 --> 00:30:03,634 AMERICA'S THE ONLY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD 609 00:30:03,701 --> 00:30:09,968 WHERE PEOPLE GO HUNTING ON A FULL STOMACH, OKAY ? 610 00:30:10,033 --> 00:30:13,033 IT'S BEAUTIFUL ! 611 00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:15,467 THAT'S HOW GOOD WE GOT IT, MAN. 612 00:30:15,534 --> 00:30:16,601 BUT I LOVE AMERICA, MAN ! 613 00:30:16,667 --> 00:30:19,033 WE GOT A LOT OF FREEDOM IN AMERICA, MAN. 614 00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:20,868 FOR INSTANCE, ABORTION'S LEGAL. 615 00:30:20,934 --> 00:30:22,834 IT'S BEAUTIFUL THAT ABORTION'S LEGAL, MAN. 616 00:30:22,901 --> 00:30:25,767 YES, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. 617 00:30:25,834 --> 00:30:29,868 I LOVE GOING TO ABORTION RALLIES TO PICK UP WOMEN... 618 00:30:29,934 --> 00:30:32,767 'CAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'LL FUCK YOU. 619 00:30:38,701 --> 00:30:40,234 YOU AIN'T GONNA FIND A BUNCH OF VIRGINS 620 00:30:40,300 --> 00:30:43,133 AT THE ABORTION RALLY. 621 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:47,334 YOU MIGHT EVEN SEE SOME CLEAR HEELS ! 622 00:30:49,167 --> 00:30:51,701 OH, THE ABORTION ISSUE, MAN, IT'S A WOMAN'S ISSUE. 623 00:30:51,767 --> 00:30:52,834 A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT, 624 00:30:52,901 --> 00:30:55,834 SHE DON'T WANNA HEAR SHIT FROM THE MAN ! 625 00:30:55,901 --> 00:30:57,868 "FUCK YOU ! I DON'T NEED YOU ! 626 00:30:57,934 --> 00:30:59,667 MOTHER-FUCK-YOU !" 627 00:30:59,734 --> 00:31:00,968 UNLESS SHE DECIDES TO HAVE THE BABY, 628 00:31:01,033 --> 00:31:03,968 THEN, SHE'S LIKE, "WHERE MY CHECK ?" 629 00:31:04,033 --> 00:31:05,968 THAT'S RIGHT, WHEN A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT, 630 00:31:06,033 --> 00:31:11,067 IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN THE WOMAN AND HER GIRLFRIENDS. 631 00:31:11,133 --> 00:31:12,400 A WOMAN GETS PREGNANT, 632 00:31:12,467 --> 00:31:14,267 HER AND HER GIRLFRIENDS GET TOGETHER 633 00:31:14,334 --> 00:31:17,834 AND THEY HAVE A LITTLE ABORTION TRIBUNAL. 634 00:31:17,901 --> 00:31:22,234 AND THEY VOTE ON THE BABY LIKE IT'S SURVIVOR. 635 00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:24,234 AND EACH GIRLFRIEND PUTS IN HER TWO CENTS. 636 00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:25,467 AND ONE GIRLFRIEND GOES, 637 00:31:25,534 --> 00:31:26,868 "CHILD, YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT BABY ! 638 00:31:26,934 --> 00:31:31,601 THAT MAN GOT SOME GOOD HAIR, IT'S WAVY, IT'S WAVY !" 639 00:31:31,667 --> 00:31:32,934 AND THE OTHER GIRLFRIEND GOES, 640 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:34,767 "CHILD, WHY WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS ? 641 00:31:34,834 --> 00:31:36,534 "AIN'T WE SUPPOSED TO GO TO CANCUN NEXT WEEK ? 642 00:31:36,601 --> 00:31:39,901 GET RID OF THAT BABY !" 643 00:31:39,968 --> 00:31:44,133 AND THAT'S HOW LIFE IS DECIDED IN AMERICA. 644 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,834 NOW, FELLAS, IF YOU GET A WOMAN PREGNANT, 645 00:31:46,901 --> 00:31:49,634 YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO SAY TWO THINGS. 646 00:31:49,701 --> 00:31:50,734 TWO THINGS ! 647 00:31:50,801 --> 00:31:52,000 AND GUESS WHAT, FELLAS ? 648 00:31:52,067 --> 00:31:54,601 YOU CAN'T EVEN SUGGEST ABORTION. 649 00:31:54,667 --> 00:31:58,100 IF YOU SAY, "A--", YOU FUCKED UP. 650 00:31:58,167 --> 00:32:00,234 YOU CAN'T EVEN SUGGEST ABORTION. 651 00:32:00,300 --> 00:32:01,467 AND GUESS WHAT, GUYS ? 652 00:32:01,534 --> 00:32:03,400 YOU DON'T WANNA SUGGEST ABORTION ! 653 00:32:03,467 --> 00:32:05,200 BECAUSE IF YOU SUGGEST ABORTION, 654 00:32:05,267 --> 00:32:07,100 AND THEN SHE HAS THE BABY, 655 00:32:07,167 --> 00:32:09,634 WHEN THAT KID'S ABOUT FIVE, SIX YEARS OLD, 656 00:32:09,701 --> 00:32:12,334 HE GONNA BE CURSING YOUR ASS OUT ! 657 00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:13,734 YOU GO, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, LITTLE MAN ? 658 00:32:13,801 --> 00:32:15,100 HOW YOU DOING, MAN ?" 659 00:32:15,167 --> 00:32:19,534 "I'M ALIVE IS HOW THE FUCK I'M DOING !" 660 00:32:21,467 --> 00:32:24,234 "YOU WANTED ME DEAD, HUH, BITCH ?! 661 00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:26,467 "I'M ALIVE, MOTHERFUCKER ! 662 00:32:26,534 --> 00:32:30,934 I SHOULD BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS !" 663 00:32:32,901 --> 00:32:37,100 YOU DON'T NEED THAT DRAMA, SO DO NOT SUGGEST ABORTION. 664 00:32:37,167 --> 00:32:40,033 NOW, FELLAS, IF YOU GET A WOMAN PREGNANT, 665 00:32:40,100 --> 00:32:43,067 YOU'VE ONLY GOT TWO THINGS TO SAY. 666 00:32:43,133 --> 00:32:45,467 TWO WAYS TO TRY IT OUT. 667 00:32:45,534 --> 00:32:47,033 NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU CAN SAY IS, 668 00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:49,834 "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE PREGNANT ! 669 00:32:49,901 --> 00:32:51,601 "I'M SO HAPPY ! 670 00:32:51,667 --> 00:32:53,834 "I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO HAVE THIS BABY ! 671 00:32:53,901 --> 00:32:56,834 I LOVE YOU SO MUCH !" 672 00:32:56,901 --> 00:32:58,234 THAT'S COOL ! 673 00:32:58,300 --> 00:32:59,534 NOW, IF YOU DON'T WANNA SAY THAT, 674 00:32:59,601 --> 00:33:02,701 YOU GOT ONE MORE CHOICE. 675 00:33:02,767 --> 00:33:06,834 A WOMAN WALKS IN THE ROOM, TELLS YOU THAT SHE'S PREGNANT, 676 00:33:06,901 --> 00:33:08,701 YOU LOOK HER DEAD IN THE EYE, 677 00:33:08,767 --> 00:33:11,601 AND YOU SAY, 678 00:33:11,667 --> 00:33:14,834 "SO WHAT YOU GON' DO ?" 679 00:33:19,500 --> 00:33:24,500 HA-HA-HA, OH, GOOD, IT AIN'T JUST ME ! 680 00:33:24,567 --> 00:33:27,467 NOW, ONE THING I DON'T LIKE ABOUT AMERICA 681 00:33:27,534 --> 00:33:29,601 IS WE GOT REAL BAD DRUG POLICIES. 682 00:33:29,667 --> 00:33:31,033 WE GOT A HORRIBLE DRUG POLICY, MAN. 683 00:33:31,100 --> 00:33:34,100 WE GOT PEOPLE IN JAIL FOR GETTING HIGH. 684 00:33:34,167 --> 00:33:37,567 FOR GETTING HIGH, MAN ! THAT'S FUCKED UP, MAN ! 685 00:33:37,634 --> 00:33:39,067 AND THE GOVERNMENT ALWAYS SAYS, 686 00:33:39,133 --> 00:33:40,667 "DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL BECAUSE THEY'RE BAD FOR YOU 687 00:33:40,734 --> 00:33:42,367 AND WE'RE TRYING TO PROTECT SOCIETY." 688 00:33:42,434 --> 00:33:45,100 BUT THE GOVERNMENT DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR SAFETY. 689 00:33:45,167 --> 00:33:46,567 THEY SELL GUNS AT WAL-MART ! 690 00:33:46,634 --> 00:33:48,734 THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. 691 00:33:48,801 --> 00:33:49,934 SHIT ! 692 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,300 NAH, THE GOVERNMENT'S LIKE THIS, 693 00:33:51,367 --> 00:33:52,701 THE GOVERNMENT- 694 00:33:52,767 --> 00:33:54,567 THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO USE YOUR DRUGS, 695 00:33:54,634 --> 00:33:57,067 THEY WANT YOU TO USE THEIR DRUGS. 696 00:33:57,133 --> 00:33:58,734 SO EVERY NIGHT ON TV, 697 00:33:58,801 --> 00:34:00,834 YOU SEE A WEIRD-ASS DRUG COMMERCIAL, 698 00:34:00,901 --> 00:34:04,567 TRYING TO GET YOU HOOKED ON SOME LEGAL SHIT. 699 00:34:04,634 --> 00:34:06,467 AND THEY JUST KEEP NAMING SYMPTOMS 700 00:34:06,534 --> 00:34:09,400 'TIL THEY GET ONE THAT YOU FUCKING GOT, OKAY ? 701 00:34:09,467 --> 00:34:13,500 IT'S LIKE, "ARE YOU SAD ? ARE YOU LONELY ?" 702 00:34:13,567 --> 00:34:15,167 "YOU GOT ATHLETE'S FOOT ? 703 00:34:15,234 --> 00:34:17,267 "ARE YOU HOT ? ARE YOU COLD ? 704 00:34:17,334 --> 00:34:18,400 "WHAT YOU GOT ? 705 00:34:18,467 --> 00:34:20,334 "YOU WANT THIS PILL, HUH, MOTHERFUCKER ? 706 00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:22,801 YOU GOT TO TAKE THIS PILL !" 707 00:34:22,868 --> 00:34:24,767 THEY DON'T EVEN TELL YOU WHAT THE PILL DOES ! 708 00:34:24,834 --> 00:34:28,667 YOU SEE A LADY ON A HORSE OR A MAN IN THE TUB, 709 00:34:28,734 --> 00:34:30,567 AND THEY JUST KEEP NAMING SYMPTOMS. 710 00:34:30,634 --> 00:34:32,434 "ARE YOU DEPRESSED ? ARE YOU LONELY ? 711 00:34:32,500 --> 00:34:34,734 DO YOUR TEETH HURT ?" WHAT THE FUCK ? 712 00:34:34,801 --> 00:34:36,801 I SAW A COMMERCIAL THE OTHER DAY THAT SAID, 713 00:34:36,868 --> 00:34:42,167 "DO YOU GO TO BED AT NIGHT AND WAKE UP IN THE MORNING ?" 714 00:34:42,234 --> 00:34:45,300 "OH, SHIT ! THEY GOT ONE ! 715 00:34:45,367 --> 00:34:47,300 "I GOT THAT ! I'M SICK ! 716 00:34:47,367 --> 00:34:51,868 I NEED THAT PILL !" 717 00:34:51,934 --> 00:34:54,534 THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO GET YOU HOOKED 718 00:34:54,601 --> 00:34:57,467 ON SOME LEGAL FUCKING SHIT ! 719 00:34:57,534 --> 00:34:58,934 AND THAT'S THE TRUTH, MAN. 720 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,234 SHIT, THE REASON COKE AND WEED ARE ILLEGAL IN AMERICA 721 00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:04,634 DON'T GOT SHIT TO DO WITH YOUR SAFETY. 722 00:35:04,701 --> 00:35:07,400 THE REASON COKE AND WEED ARE ILLEGAL IN AMERICA 723 00:35:07,467 --> 00:35:12,634 IS 'CAUSE THE BEST COKE AND WEED AIN'T MADE IN AMERICA ! 724 00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:17,434 IF THEY MADE THE GOOD SHIT HERE, 725 00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:19,367 THERE'D BE A COKE AND WEED RESTAURANT 726 00:35:19,434 --> 00:35:22,067 ON EVERY FUCKING CORNER ! 727 00:35:22,133 --> 00:35:23,734 THAT'S RIGHT. 728 00:35:23,801 --> 00:35:26,968 IT WOULDN'T BE NO STARBUCKS, IT WOULD BE WEEDBUCKS ! 729 00:35:27,033 --> 00:35:28,100 McDONALD'S ? 730 00:35:28,167 --> 00:35:30,400 McCOKEALD'S ! 731 00:35:30,467 --> 00:35:32,167 "UH, GIVE ME A HAPPY MEAL AND AN EIGHT BALL. 732 00:35:32,234 --> 00:35:34,868 THANK YOU." 733 00:35:34,934 --> 00:35:36,200 KRISPY KREME'S ? 734 00:35:36,267 --> 00:35:39,534 CRACKY KREME'S ! 735 00:35:39,601 --> 00:35:41,901 YO, THAT'S HOW GOOD KRISPY KREME DONUTS ARE. 736 00:35:41,968 --> 00:35:44,000 KRISPY KREME DONUTS ARE SO GOOD, 737 00:35:44,067 --> 00:35:46,167 IF I TOLD YOU RIGHT NOW THEY HAD CRACK IN IT, 738 00:35:46,234 --> 00:35:50,868 YOU'D GO, "I KNEW SOMETHING WAS UP ! 739 00:35:51,767 --> 00:35:53,133 "I KNEW ! 740 00:35:53,200 --> 00:35:55,934 "THESE DONUTS ARE TOO DAMN GOOD, MAN ! 741 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:57,934 "GOT ME KNOCKING ON THE DONUT WINDOW 742 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,901 "AT 2 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING. 743 00:35:59,968 --> 00:36:01,901 "COME ON, MAN ! OPEN UP, MAN ! 744 00:36:01,968 --> 00:36:05,067 "GIVE ME ONE MORE DONUT ! I'LL DO ANYTHING ! 745 00:36:05,133 --> 00:36:08,934 I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !" 746 00:36:14,067 --> 00:36:17,400 YO, THAT SHOULD BE THE NEW SLOGAN FOR KRISPY KREME. 747 00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:23,067 "KRISPY KREME, SO GOOD, YOU'LL SUCK A DICK !" 748 00:36:26,234 --> 00:36:27,734 NO, MAN. 749 00:36:27,801 --> 00:36:31,400 THE GOVERNMENT, THEY WILL NEVER LEGALIZE DRUGS IN AMERICA. 750 00:36:31,467 --> 00:36:32,701 OKAY, THE FIRST REASON 751 00:36:32,767 --> 00:36:34,434 THEY WILL NEVER LEGALIZE DRUGS IN AMERICA 752 00:36:34,500 --> 00:36:37,801 IS BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT MAKES WAY TOO MUCH MONEY 753 00:36:37,868 --> 00:36:41,200 PUTTING OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN FUCKING JAIL, OKAY ? 754 00:36:41,267 --> 00:36:43,567 THAT'S FIRST OF ALL, OKAY ? 755 00:36:43,634 --> 00:36:45,334 FOR BULLSHIT. 756 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,267 THE SECOND REASON THE GOVERNMENT 757 00:36:47,334 --> 00:36:49,801 WILL NEVER LEGALIZE DRUGS IN AMERICA 758 00:36:49,868 --> 00:36:51,100 IS BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, 759 00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:55,200 GOD FORBID SOME BROWN PEOPLE GOT WEALTHY ! 760 00:36:55,267 --> 00:36:56,901 CAN'T HAVE THAT. 761 00:36:56,968 --> 00:36:59,267 'CAUSE DRUGS COME FROM BROWN COUNTRIES. 762 00:36:59,334 --> 00:37:01,467 WE CAN'T HAVE WEALTHY BROWN PEOPLE. 763 00:37:01,534 --> 00:37:05,734 THERE ARE NO WEALTHY BLACK OR BROWN PEOPLE IN AMERICA. 764 00:37:05,801 --> 00:37:07,100 WE GOT SOME RICH ONES. 765 00:37:07,167 --> 00:37:09,601 WE DON'T GOT NO FUCKING WEALTH. 766 00:37:09,667 --> 00:37:11,701 PEOPLE GO, "WELL, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE ?" 767 00:37:11,767 --> 00:37:15,033 HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE, SHAQ IS RICH. 768 00:37:15,100 --> 00:37:20,434 THE WHITE MAN THAT SIGNS HIS CHECK IS WEALTHY. 769 00:37:23,167 --> 00:37:25,267 "AH, HERE YOU GO, SHAQ. 770 00:37:25,334 --> 00:37:28,267 "GO BUY YOURSELF A BOUNCING CAR ! 771 00:37:28,334 --> 00:37:32,634 BLING, BLING !" 772 00:37:32,701 --> 00:37:36,901 I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT RICH, I'M TAKING ABOUT WEALTH, OKAY ? 773 00:37:36,968 --> 00:37:38,434 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WHITE FAMILY 774 00:37:38,500 --> 00:37:40,434 THAT OWNS ALL THE FUCKING SIMILAC ! 775 00:37:40,500 --> 00:37:42,400 THOSE RICH MOTHERFUCKERS, OKAY ? 776 00:37:42,467 --> 00:37:43,968 I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WHITE FAMILY 777 00:37:44,033 --> 00:37:45,734 THAT OWNS THE COLOR BLUE ! 778 00:37:45,801 --> 00:37:49,601 THOSE RICH BASTARDS, OKAY ? 779 00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:51,267 I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT OPRAH ! 780 00:37:51,334 --> 00:37:53,901 I'M TALKING ABOUT BILL GATES, OKAY ? 781 00:37:53,968 --> 00:37:57,567 IF BILL GATES WOKE UP TOMORROW WITH OPRAH'S MONEY, 782 00:37:57,634 --> 00:38:01,500 HE'D JUMP OUT A FUCKING WINDOW. 783 00:38:03,234 --> 00:38:05,534 HE'D SLIT HIS THROAT ON THE WAY DOWN. 784 00:38:05,601 --> 00:38:08,000 "AH, SHIT ! 785 00:38:08,067 --> 00:38:11,734 I CAN'T EVEN PUT GAS IN MY PLANE !" 786 00:38:11,801 --> 00:38:15,334 I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT RICH, I'M TALKING ABOUT WEALTH. 787 00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:18,767 'CAUSE WEALTH WILL SET US FUCKING FREE, OKAY ? 788 00:38:18,834 --> 00:38:21,133 'CAUSE WEALTH IS EMPOWERING, 789 00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:26,100 WEALTH CAN UPLIFT COMMUNITIES FROM PO-VER-TY, OKAY ? 790 00:38:26,167 --> 00:38:29,100 A WHITE MAN GETS WEALTHY, HE BUILDS WAL-MARTS 791 00:38:29,167 --> 00:38:32,400 AND MAKES OTHER WHITE PEOPLE HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING MONEY. 792 00:38:32,467 --> 00:38:33,734 A BROTHER GETS RICH, 793 00:38:33,801 --> 00:38:35,834 HE BUYS SOME MOTHERFUCKING JEWELRY, OKAY ? 794 00:38:35,901 --> 00:38:38,701 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT ? 795 00:38:38,767 --> 00:38:42,667 I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT RICH, I'M TALKING ABOUT WEALTH. 796 00:38:42,734 --> 00:38:46,000 WEALTH IS PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION. 797 00:38:46,067 --> 00:38:48,267 YOU CAN'T GET RID OF WEALTH ! 798 00:38:48,334 --> 00:38:49,834 RICH IS SOME SHIT YOU COULD LOSE 799 00:38:49,901 --> 00:38:53,767 WITH A CRAZY SUMMER AND A DRUG HABIT ! 800 00:38:53,834 --> 00:38:57,934 FUCK, RICK JAMES WAS RICH ! 801 00:38:58,000 --> 00:38:59,634 ONE MINUTE YOU'RE SINGING SUPERFREAK, 802 00:38:59,701 --> 00:39:03,434 THE NEXT MINUTE, YOU'RE DOING OLD NAVY COMMERALS ! 803 00:39:03,500 --> 00:39:07,434 ♪ GIVE IT TO ME, BABY ♪ GIVE ME CORDUROYS ! 804 00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:13,500 NOT TALKING ABOUT RICH, I'M TALKING ABOUT WEALTH. 805 00:39:13,567 --> 00:39:15,100 NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG ! 806 00:39:15,167 --> 00:39:16,701 IT'S NOT ALL WHITE PEOPLE'S FAULT 807 00:39:16,767 --> 00:39:21,067 THAT BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING WEALTH ! 808 00:39:21,133 --> 00:39:24,033 MAYBE, NOW JUST MAYBE, 809 00:39:24,100 --> 00:39:27,634 MAYBE, IF WE DIDN'T SPEND ALL OUR MONEY ON RIMS, 810 00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:33,334 WE MIGHT HAVE SOME TO INVEST ! 811 00:39:33,400 --> 00:39:38,033 WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BOY ! BLACK PEOPLE, WE LOVE RIMS ! 812 00:39:38,100 --> 00:39:42,367 WE WILL PUT SHINY ASS RIMS ON ANY PIECE-OF-SHIT CAR 813 00:39:42,434 --> 00:39:44,834 IN THE WORLD ! WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ! 814 00:39:44,901 --> 00:39:49,234 A BROTHER WILL PUT RIMS ON A TOASTER IF YOU LET HIM ! 815 00:39:49,300 --> 00:39:50,701 "YO, MAN, I GOT SOME RAISIN TOAST 816 00:39:50,767 --> 00:39:53,234 "SITTING ON 22s, NIGGA ! 817 00:39:53,300 --> 00:39:54,534 "22s ! 818 00:39:54,601 --> 00:39:56,367 "LOOK AT 'EM, MOTHERFUCKER ! LOOK AT 'EM ! 819 00:39:56,434 --> 00:39:58,567 "AND THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING ! 820 00:39:58,634 --> 00:40:00,534 "THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING ! 821 00:40:00,601 --> 00:40:04,801 THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING !" 822 00:40:04,868 --> 00:40:06,267 WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 823 00:40:06,334 --> 00:40:08,534 MONEY IS NEW TO BLACK PEOPLE ! IT'S THE NEW TO US ! 824 00:40:08,601 --> 00:40:10,601 WE ARE THE MOST MONEY-WASTING MOTHERFUCKERS 825 00:40:10,667 --> 00:40:12,434 ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH. 826 00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:16,367 WE SPEND MONEY LIKE WE THINK THE SHIT'S GONNA ROT, OKAY ? 827 00:40:16,434 --> 00:40:18,000 BROTHERS RIDING AROUND WITH TVs 828 00:40:18,067 --> 00:40:20,167 IN THE HEADRESTS OF THE CAR. 829 00:40:20,234 --> 00:40:21,901 THE TVs IS ON, 830 00:40:21,968 --> 00:40:26,067 AND AIN'T NOBODY IN THE BACKSEAT. 831 00:40:28,801 --> 00:40:33,267 I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT RICH, I'M TALKING ABOUT WEALTH ! 832 00:40:33,334 --> 00:40:36,267 NOW, WHEN IT COMES TO ACQUIRING A FORTUNE, 833 00:40:36,334 --> 00:40:37,901 WHEN IT COMES TO ACQUIRING WEALTH 834 00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,634 IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 835 00:40:39,701 --> 00:40:41,434 DIFFERENT PEOPLE HAVE GONE ABOUT IT 836 00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:43,467 IN DIFFERENT WAYS, OKAY ? 837 00:40:43,534 --> 00:40:45,300 NOW, THERE'S A SAYING ABOUT WEALTH. 838 00:40:45,367 --> 00:40:46,868 THERE'S A SAYING ABOUT FORTUNES. 839 00:40:46,934 --> 00:40:48,367 AND THE SAYING IS, 840 00:40:48,434 --> 00:40:51,234 "BEHIND EVERY GREAT FORTUNE IS A GREAT CRIME." 841 00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:53,334 "BEHIND EVERY GREAT FORTUNE IS A GREAT CRIME." 842 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:54,834 AND THERE'S SOME TRUTH TO THAT 'CAUSE SOME OF THE RICHEST, 843 00:40:54,901 --> 00:40:56,868 MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES 844 00:40:56,934 --> 00:40:59,067 ARE THE DESCENDANTS OF DRUG DEALERS. 845 00:40:59,133 --> 00:41:01,133 YOUR KENNEDYS, YOUR BROTHMANS, IT'S ALL DRUG MONEY. 846 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,667 THEY CALL IT BOOTLEGGING, 847 00:41:02,734 --> 00:41:06,367 BUT THAT'S JUST A WHITE WORD THAT MEANS DRUG DEALING, OKAY ? 848 00:41:06,434 --> 00:41:07,934 THEY DIDN'T SELL BOOTS. 849 00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:11,167 THEY SOLD THE CRACK OF THEIR DAY, OKAY ? 850 00:41:11,234 --> 00:41:12,667 THEY KILLED COPS AND KIDS, 851 00:41:12,734 --> 00:41:14,167 AND THAT'S COOL, GOOD FOR THEM. 852 00:41:14,234 --> 00:41:19,667 NOW... WHEN IT'S TIME FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO COME UP 853 00:41:19,734 --> 00:41:21,267 AND ACQUIRE WEALTH, 854 00:41:21,334 --> 00:41:23,067 YOU KNOW, THE RULES CHANGE. 855 00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:25,701 AND ONE OF THE NUMBER ONE RULES IN AMERICA 856 00:41:25,767 --> 00:41:28,267 WHEN IT COMES TO ACQUIRING WEALTH GOES LIKE THIS, 857 00:41:28,334 --> 00:41:32,334 "ONLY THE WHITE MAN CAN PROFIT FROM PAIN." 858 00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:35,334 "ONLY THE WHITE MAN CAN PROFIT FROM PAIN." 859 00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,067 SO IF YOU'RE BLACK OR BROWN, YOU CAN MAKE MONEY IN AMERICA. 860 00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:39,767 YOU CAN PROSPER IN AMERICA, 861 00:41:39,834 --> 00:41:41,367 YOU CAN GET RICH IN AMERICA. 862 00:41:41,434 --> 00:41:45,500 BUT WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, IT BETTER BE POSITIVE. 863 00:41:45,567 --> 00:41:47,200 BECAUSE IF ONE PERSON IS HARMED, 864 00:41:47,267 --> 00:41:50,567 YOU WILL BE DESTROYED, OKAY ? 865 00:41:50,634 --> 00:41:52,067 YOU EVER WATCH OPRAH ? 866 00:41:52,133 --> 00:41:53,434 EVERY NOW AND THEN, OPRAH HAS A SHOW 867 00:41:53,500 --> 00:41:55,334 WHERE SHE'S JUST GIVING AWAY MONEY ! 868 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:56,667 YOU KNOW WHY ? 869 00:41:56,734 --> 00:42:00,334 SHE'S TRYING TO KEEP THE FEDS OFF HER BACK. 870 00:42:01,334 --> 00:42:04,834 "ONLY THE WHITE MAN CAN PROFIT FROM PAIN," OKAY ? 871 00:42:04,901 --> 00:42:07,434 WHITE MAN MAKES ALCOHOL, IT TASTES GREAT. 872 00:42:07,500 --> 00:42:09,167 I LOVE IT, YOU LOVE IT, WE ALL LOVE IT. 873 00:42:09,234 --> 00:42:12,968 KILLS MOTHERFUCKERS EVERY SINGLE DAY, OKAY ? 874 00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:15,567 SOME OF Y'ALL AIN'T EVEN GONNA MAKE IT HOME TONIGHT 875 00:42:15,634 --> 00:42:17,367 'CAUSE OF ALCOHOL ! 876 00:42:17,434 --> 00:42:18,534 YOU'RE GONNA BE DRIVING HOME, 877 00:42:18,601 --> 00:42:20,167 "OH, MAN, THAT CHRIS ROCK SURE IS FUNNY. 878 00:42:20,234 --> 00:42:22,033 OH, SHIT !" 879 00:42:24,801 --> 00:42:28,167 BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE IT'S ALL WHITE. 880 00:42:30,033 --> 00:42:31,634 WHITE MAN MAKES CIGARETTES. 881 00:42:31,701 --> 00:42:35,133 CIGARETTES, THE MOST DANGEROUS PRODUCT KNOWN TO MAN, OKAY ? 882 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:40,200 KILLS MOTHERFUCKERS EVERY FUCKING DAY. 883 00:42:40,267 --> 00:42:41,834 CIGARETTES ARE SO DANGEROUS, 884 00:42:41,901 --> 00:42:45,634 IT KILLS MOTHERFUCKERS THAT DON'T SMOKE ! 885 00:42:45,701 --> 00:42:48,234 THAT'S HOW FUCKING DANGEROUS CIGARETTES ARE. 886 00:42:48,300 --> 00:42:49,534 THAT'S RIGHT. 887 00:42:49,601 --> 00:42:51,601 BUT FIRSTHAND SMOKE, SECONDHAND SMOKE. 888 00:42:51,667 --> 00:42:53,934 PEOPLE TALKING OUT OF THEIR NECKS INTO MACHINES, 889 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:56,434 LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN ? 890 00:42:56,500 --> 00:43:00,400 I LOVE CIGARETTES, THIS SHIT IS GOOD !" 891 00:43:00,467 --> 00:43:04,000 BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT 'CAUSE IT'S ALL WHITE ! 892 00:43:04,067 --> 00:43:07,000 SHIT, COULD YOU IMAGINE IF THE PHILIP MORRIS FAMILY 893 00:43:07,067 --> 00:43:11,133 WAS A BUNCH OF JHERI CURL NIGGAS FROM MISSISSIPPI ? 894 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:15,300 DO YOU KNOW HOW ILLEGAL A PACK OF CIGARETTES WOULD BE ? 895 00:43:15,367 --> 00:43:19,701 YOU WOULD GET 60 YEARS FOR A PACK OF NEWPORTS ! 896 00:43:19,767 --> 00:43:21,200 BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT... 897 00:43:21,267 --> 00:43:23,234 'CAUSE IT'S ALL WHITE. 898 00:43:23,300 --> 00:43:25,100 THAT'S RIGHT, THE WHITE MAN MAKES GUNS ! 899 00:43:25,167 --> 00:43:26,367 NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. 900 00:43:26,434 --> 00:43:27,734 WHITE MAN MAKES GUNS, 901 00:43:27,801 --> 00:43:29,434 KIDS SHOOT UP EACH OTHER IN SCHOOL, 902 00:43:29,500 --> 00:43:32,067 NOBODY GIVES A FUCK. WHITE MAN MAKES GUNS ? 903 00:43:32,133 --> 00:43:33,500 NO PROBLEM. 904 00:43:33,567 --> 00:43:38,968 BLACK RAPPER SAYS "GUN"-- CONGRESSIONAL HEARING. 905 00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,734 ( laughter & applause ) 906 00:43:45,133 --> 00:43:47,767 "LIKE, OH MY GOD, THAT NIGGA SAID, GUN ! 907 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:51,701 AND HE RHYMED IT WITH FUN !" 908 00:43:54,133 --> 00:43:56,567 AND THAT'S WHY PEOPLE HATE AMERICA, MAN. 909 00:43:56,634 --> 00:43:59,467 THE HYPOCRISY ABOUT DEMOCRACY, OKAY ? 910 00:43:59,534 --> 00:44:01,767 THAT'S WHY THEY HATE AMERICA, OKAY ? 911 00:44:01,834 --> 00:44:03,934 BUT, LET ME TELL YOU, RIGHT NOW. 912 00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:06,534 THE NUMBER ONE REASON PEOPLE HATE AMERICA, 913 00:44:06,601 --> 00:44:09,934 THE NUMBER ONE REASON IS BECAUSE OF OUR RELIGION. 914 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,534 AMERICANS WORSHIP MONEY. 915 00:44:13,601 --> 00:44:15,300 WE WORSHIP MONEY. 916 00:44:15,367 --> 00:44:18,334 SEPARATE GOD FROM SCHOOL, SEPARATE GOD FROM WORK, 917 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,033 SEPARATE GOD FROM GOVERNMENT. 918 00:44:20,100 --> 00:44:23,367 BUT ON YOUR MONEY, IT SAYS, "IN GOD WE TRUST". 919 00:44:23,434 --> 00:44:25,100 ALL MY LIFE, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR GOD, 920 00:44:25,167 --> 00:44:28,334 AND HE'S RIGHT IN MY POCKET ! 921 00:44:31,133 --> 00:44:33,767 AMERICANS WORSHIP MONEY ! 922 00:44:33,834 --> 00:44:35,734 AND WE ALL GO TO THE SAME CHURCH. 923 00:44:35,801 --> 00:44:38,767 THE CHURCH OF A.T.M. ! 924 00:44:38,834 --> 00:44:42,000 AND EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE'S A NEW BRANCH POPPING UP, 925 00:44:42,067 --> 00:44:44,300 REMINDING YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU GOT 926 00:44:44,367 --> 00:44:46,701 AND HOW MUCH MONEY YOU DON'T GOT. 927 00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:48,634 AND IF YOU'VE GOT LESS THAN $20, 928 00:44:48,701 --> 00:44:53,067 THE MACHINE WON'T EVEN TALK TO YOU ! 929 00:44:53,133 --> 00:44:57,601 THE MACHINE'S, LIKE, "YOU BETTER GO SEE A TELLER." 930 00:44:57,667 --> 00:45:02,300 YOU EVER GO TO A TELLER AND TRY TO TAKE OUT $8.50 ? 931 00:45:02,367 --> 00:45:04,500 OH, IT'S DISGUSTING ! 932 00:45:04,567 --> 00:45:08,434 OH, MAN, YOU GOTTA WAIT ON THAT LONG-ASS LINE... 933 00:45:10,534 --> 00:45:13,567 PEOPLE DOING REAL TRANSACTIONS IN FRONT OF YOU. 934 00:45:13,634 --> 00:45:15,400 YOU GET UP TO THE FUCKING FRONT. 935 00:45:15,467 --> 00:45:19,033 YOU FILL OUT YOUR FORMS, 8.50 ! 936 00:45:19,100 --> 00:45:20,901 THE FUCKING TELLER LOOKS AT IT, 937 00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:23,734 SHE LOOKS AT YOU, SHE LOOKS AT THE SHIT. 938 00:45:23,801 --> 00:45:25,634 SHE DON'T EVEN TAKE THE MONEY OUT THE DRAWER, 939 00:45:25,701 --> 00:45:26,868 SHE TAKES IT OUT HER POCKET ! 940 00:45:26,934 --> 00:45:31,367 "HERE, GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE !" 941 00:45:32,834 --> 00:45:34,701 NOW, HERE'S THE OTHER THING, MAN. 942 00:45:34,767 --> 00:45:36,534 DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL, 943 00:45:36,601 --> 00:45:40,067 BUT A.T.M. MACHINES ARE OPEN 24 HOURS A DAY. 944 00:45:40,133 --> 00:45:41,667 24 HOURS A DAY. 945 00:45:41,734 --> 00:45:44,767 FOR WHO ? WHO THE FUCK IS IT OPEN FOR ? 946 00:45:44,834 --> 00:45:48,033 HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN OUT $300 947 00:45:48,100 --> 00:45:53,701 AT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE ? 948 00:45:59,500 --> 00:46:01,267 SHIT, WHEN YOU PRESS THAT MACHINE 949 00:46:01,334 --> 00:46:03,033 AT FOUR O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, 950 00:46:03,100 --> 00:46:05,300 I THINK A PSYCHIATRIST SHOULD POP UP ON THE SCREEN, 951 00:46:05,367 --> 00:46:09,367 AND GO, "COME ON, MAN." 952 00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:12,434 "SAVE YOUR MONEY, MAN ! 953 00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:16,033 DON'T BUY DRUGS, BUY SOME RIMS !" 954 00:46:16,100 --> 00:46:17,934 "THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING ! 955 00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:19,634 "THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING ! 956 00:46:19,701 --> 00:46:24,200 THEY SPINNING, NIGGA, THEY SPINNING !" 957 00:46:24,267 --> 00:46:27,500 AMERICANS WORSHIP MONEY ! 958 00:46:27,567 --> 00:46:30,367 SHIT, YOU KNOW WHY BANKS ARE CLOSED ON SUNDAY ? 959 00:46:30,434 --> 00:46:34,767 BECAUSE IF THEY WASN'T, CHURCH WOULD BE EMPTY ! 960 00:46:37,734 --> 00:46:39,334 NOW, I LOVE AMERICA, MAN. 961 00:46:39,400 --> 00:46:41,234 I MUST SAY, I LOVE AMERICA. 962 00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:42,601 I GOT TO SAY AMERICA 963 00:46:42,667 --> 00:46:46,167 IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, OKAY ? 964 00:46:46,234 --> 00:46:49,334 IT'S THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD... 965 00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:51,267 IN THE WHOLE WORLD. 966 00:46:51,334 --> 00:46:53,467 IT'S THE BEST PLACE, THERE'S NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE. 967 00:46:53,534 --> 00:46:55,033 THERE'S NO PLACE I'D RATHER BE FROM. 968 00:46:55,100 --> 00:46:57,000 AND WE ARE ALL LUCKY TO BE HERE. 969 00:46:57,067 --> 00:46:59,734 EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM, LUCKY TO BE HERE. 970 00:46:59,801 --> 00:47:03,133 EVEN BLACK PEOPLE, LUCKY TO BE HERE. 971 00:47:03,200 --> 00:47:04,434 BUT IF YOU'RE BLACK, 972 00:47:04,500 --> 00:47:06,834 YOU GOTTA LOOK AT AMERICA A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 973 00:47:06,901 --> 00:47:08,434 IF YOU'RE BLACK, AMERICA'S LIKE THE UNCLE 974 00:47:08,500 --> 00:47:11,000 THAT PAID YOUR WAY THROUGH COLLEGE, 975 00:47:11,067 --> 00:47:14,300 BUT MOLESTED YOU. 976 00:47:20,701 --> 00:47:24,200 OH, YOU GOTTA FORGIVE, RIGHT ? YOU GOTTA FORGIVE. 977 00:47:24,267 --> 00:47:26,267 WHAT'S THE BIGGEST ISSUE IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW ? 978 00:47:26,334 --> 00:47:28,868 THE MOST DIVISIVE ISSUE IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW 979 00:47:28,934 --> 00:47:31,801 IS AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. 980 00:47:31,868 --> 00:47:33,467 NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK AFFIRMATIVE ACTION 981 00:47:33,534 --> 00:47:34,901 GOT A LOT TO DO WITH THE '60s 982 00:47:34,968 --> 00:47:36,400 AND THE BACK OF THE BUS AND SEPARATE LUNCH COUNTERS. 983 00:47:36,467 --> 00:47:37,901 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 984 00:47:37,968 --> 00:47:39,567 WHEN YOU SEE FOOTAGE OF THE '60s, 985 00:47:39,634 --> 00:47:40,901 AND YOU SEE BLACK PEOPLE, 986 00:47:40,968 --> 00:47:43,367 YOU SEE US GETTING SPRAYED DOWN AND HOSED DOWN 987 00:47:43,434 --> 00:47:45,000 AND DOGS GETTING SICCED ON US 988 00:47:45,067 --> 00:47:47,334 AND LITTLE GIRLS GETTING BURNT UP IN CHURCHES. 989 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:50,767 THAT'S JUST WHITE PEOPLE BEING NICE. 990 00:47:50,834 --> 00:47:55,467 NICER THAN THEY WAS IN THE '50s, '40s AND '30s. 991 00:47:55,534 --> 00:47:58,500 SHIT, THERE'S BLACK PEOPLE THAT DIED IN THE '30s, 992 00:47:58,567 --> 00:48:00,601 THAT WAS LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN IN THE '60s GOING, 993 00:48:00,667 --> 00:48:03,968 "MAN, THEM NIGGAS GOT IT GOOD !" 994 00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:07,701 NO, NO, NO ! 995 00:48:07,767 --> 00:48:09,767 AFFIRMATIVE ACTION WAS PUT INTO PLACE 996 00:48:09,834 --> 00:48:11,467 TO PUT INTO PLACE TO OFFSET POLICIES 997 00:48:11,534 --> 00:48:13,067 THAT THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT 998 00:48:13,133 --> 00:48:17,234 IMPLEMENTED DURING SLAVERY THAT AFFECT US TODAY. 999 00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:19,100 NOW, WHEN I TALK ABOUT SLAVERY-- 1000 00:48:19,167 --> 00:48:20,701 NO, NO, NO-- WHEN I TALK ABOUT SLAVERY, 1001 00:48:20,767 --> 00:48:22,300 I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT A PERIOD OF TIME 1002 00:48:22,367 --> 00:48:24,500 WHERE BLACK PEOPLE HAD NO RIGHTS. 1003 00:48:24,567 --> 00:48:30,968 SO YOU TALK ABOUT THE 1600s TO ABOUT 1964. 1004 00:48:31,033 --> 00:48:32,500 YOU KNOW, GIVE OR TAKE A YEAR, 1005 00:48:32,567 --> 00:48:36,267 DEPENDING ON WHEN YOUR TOWN DECIDED TO ACT RIGHT. 1006 00:48:36,334 --> 00:48:37,834 NOW, PEOPLE GO, 1007 00:48:37,901 --> 00:48:39,968 "WHAT HAPPENED DURING SLAVERY THAT COULD AFFECT US TODAY ? 1008 00:48:40,033 --> 00:48:42,400 WHAT HAPPENED DURING SLAVERY THAT COULD AFFECT US TODAY ?" 1009 00:48:42,467 --> 00:48:44,067 A LOT OF SHIT HAPPENED DURING SLAVERY 1010 00:48:44,133 --> 00:48:46,267 THAT AFFECTS US EVERY DAY. 1011 00:48:46,334 --> 00:48:47,701 FOR INSTANCE DURING SLAVERY, 1012 00:48:47,767 --> 00:48:49,968 THEY USED TO TAKE THE BIGGEST, STRONGEST SLAVES 1013 00:48:50,033 --> 00:48:51,534 AND BREED THEM. 1014 00:48:51,601 --> 00:48:56,133 AND TRY THEIR BEST TO MAKE BIG, STRONG SUPER SLAVES, OKAY ? 1015 00:48:56,200 --> 00:48:57,534 THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 1016 00:48:57,601 --> 00:48:59,067 AND THERE'S EVIDENCE OF THAT TODAY. 1017 00:48:59,133 --> 00:49:02,434 LIKE THE NFL, FOR INSTANCE. 1018 00:49:02,500 --> 00:49:06,901 THAT'S RIGHT, NFL STANDS FOR "NIGGA FUCKING LARGE". 1019 00:49:06,968 --> 00:49:08,133 THEY BRED THE SLAVES, 1020 00:49:08,200 --> 00:49:09,801 AND THIS IS WHY BLACK PEOPLE DOMINATE 1021 00:49:09,868 --> 00:49:11,701 EVERY PHYSICAL ACTIVITY 1022 00:49:11,767 --> 00:49:14,767 IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, OKAY ? 1023 00:49:14,834 --> 00:49:16,868 WE'RE ONLY 10% OF THE POPULATION. 1024 00:49:16,934 --> 00:49:19,267 WE'RE 90% OF THE FINAL FOUR, OKAY ? 1025 00:49:19,334 --> 00:49:24,300 WE FUCKING DOMINATE ALL THIS SHIT, OKAY ? 1026 00:49:24,367 --> 00:49:26,133 BASKETBALL, BASEBALL, 1027 00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:31,300 FOOTBALL, BOXING, TRACK, EVEN GOLF AND TENNIS. 1028 00:49:31,367 --> 00:49:33,167 AND AS SOON AS THEY MAKE A HEATED HOCKEY RINK, 1029 00:49:33,234 --> 00:49:37,067 WE'RE GONNA TAKE THAT SHIT TOO ! 1030 00:49:37,133 --> 00:49:40,200 ( applause & cheering ) 1031 00:49:45,334 --> 00:49:48,200 MOTHER FUCK WAYNE GRETZKY ! 1032 00:49:48,267 --> 00:49:51,500 WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE LEBRON ON SOME SKATES. 1033 00:49:51,567 --> 00:49:53,934 YOU AIN'T SEEN SHIT YET ! 1034 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,267 HE JUST GONNA HAVE ONE SKATE, CHILLIN'. 1035 00:49:56,334 --> 00:49:58,267 "WHAT'S UP ?" 1036 00:49:58,334 --> 00:49:59,868 HE AIN'T EVEN GONNA HAVE A STICK ! 1037 00:49:59,934 --> 00:50:02,167 HE'S GONNA SMACK THE PUCK WITH HIS DICK ! 1038 00:50:02,234 --> 00:50:03,601 POW ! 1039 00:50:07,234 --> 00:50:11,067 SLAP SHOT, BIATCH ! 1040 00:50:18,267 --> 00:50:21,968 SO THAT'S WHAT THEY DID TO THE BIG, STRONG SLAVES. 1041 00:50:22,033 --> 00:50:24,400 AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID TO THE SMART ONES ? 1042 00:50:24,467 --> 00:50:26,767 OR AT LEAST, THE ONES THEY THOUGHT WERE SMART ? 1043 00:50:26,834 --> 00:50:30,901 THEY KILLED THEM, THAT'S WHAT THEY DID. 1044 00:50:30,968 --> 00:50:32,300 THAT'S RIGHT, 1045 00:50:32,367 --> 00:50:34,601 THAT WAS THE POLICY OF THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT, 1046 00:50:34,667 --> 00:50:38,234 TO KILL SMART BLACK PEOPLE, THAT'S RIGHT. 1047 00:50:38,300 --> 00:50:39,634 SO THE REAL SMART MOTHERFUCKERS 1048 00:50:39,701 --> 00:50:41,934 HAD TO HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY WERE SMART, OKAY ? 1049 00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:45,601 THE LAW OF THE LAND WAS, "IF YOU READ, YOU DIE." 1050 00:50:45,667 --> 00:50:48,934 IF YOU READ, YOU FUCKING DIE, OKAY ? 1051 00:50:49,000 --> 00:50:50,634 SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS ? 1052 00:50:50,701 --> 00:50:53,734 THE FIRST BLACK DRUG DEALERS DIDN'T EVEN SELL DRUGS. 1053 00:50:53,801 --> 00:50:56,200 THEY SOLD BOOKS ! 1054 00:50:56,267 --> 00:50:58,434 "YO, MAN, I GOT TWO PAGES, MAN, I GOT TWO PAGES, MAN. 1055 00:50:58,500 --> 00:50:59,567 "CHECK IT OUT, MAN, CHECK IT OUT, MAN. 1056 00:50:59,634 --> 00:51:01,067 "I GOT TWO PAGES, MAN. 1057 00:51:01,133 --> 00:51:02,267 "YO, MAN, YO, MAN, I GOT A WORD, I GOT A WORD. 1058 00:51:02,334 --> 00:51:03,567 "CHECK IT OUT, MAN. 1059 00:51:03,634 --> 00:51:05,300 "I GOT A NEW WORD, MAN, I GOT A NEW WORD, MAN ! 1060 00:51:05,367 --> 00:51:08,500 IT'S NEW, MAN, IT'S NEW, MAN !" 1061 00:51:08,567 --> 00:51:10,868 SO THINK ABOUT THE POOR SLAVES THAT COULD READ, 1062 00:51:10,934 --> 00:51:12,167 BUT HAD TO HIDE IT, MAN. 1063 00:51:12,234 --> 00:51:14,968 THINK ABOUT THE POOR SLAVES THAT COULD READ, 1064 00:51:15,033 --> 00:51:17,267 BUT WERE SCARED TO TEACH THEIR KIDS TO READ 1065 00:51:17,334 --> 00:51:19,667 FOR FEAR THEY'D BE KILLING THEIR KIDS, MAN. 1066 00:51:19,734 --> 00:51:21,400 THINK ABOUT THE POOR SLAVE 1067 00:51:21,467 --> 00:51:24,100 THAT USED TO DRIVE THE BUGGY INTO TOWN EVERY DAY, MAN. 1068 00:51:24,167 --> 00:51:25,801 HE USED TO DRIVE THE BUGGY, MAN. 1069 00:51:25,868 --> 00:51:27,367 HE'S DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY. 1070 00:51:27,434 --> 00:51:29,234 HE'S DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY. 1071 00:51:29,300 --> 00:51:30,834 AND HE COULD READ ! 1072 00:51:30,901 --> 00:51:32,033 DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY. 1073 00:51:32,100 --> 00:51:34,200 AND, UP AHEAD, HE SEES A REAL BUSY INTERSECTION. 1074 00:51:34,267 --> 00:51:35,801 HE'S DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY. 1075 00:51:35,868 --> 00:51:37,400 DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY, DRIVING THE BUGGY. 1076 00:51:37,467 --> 00:51:40,734 AND, THEN, HE SEES A STOP SIGN. 1077 00:51:44,701 --> 00:51:47,968 NOW, HE'S GOT A REAL DILEMMA. 1078 00:51:48,033 --> 00:51:54,734 "OH, LORD... WHAT IS I GON' DO ? 1079 00:51:54,801 --> 00:51:59,300 "OH, LORD, WHAT IS I GON' DO ? 1080 00:51:59,367 --> 00:52:02,767 "OKAY, IF I GO ACROSS THIS INTERSECTION, 1081 00:52:02,834 --> 00:52:05,434 "I'M A HAVE AN ACCIDENT. 1082 00:52:05,500 --> 00:52:10,634 "IF I STOP AT THIS SIGN, THESE CRACKERS WILL KILL ME. 1083 00:52:10,701 --> 00:52:14,400 OH, LORD, WHAT IS I GON' DO ?" 1084 00:52:14,467 --> 00:52:15,801 AND HE DON'T KNOW. 1085 00:52:15,868 --> 00:52:17,200 AND HE'S RIDING THE BUGGY AND HE'S RIDING THE BUGGY. 1086 00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:18,968 AND AT THE LAST MINUTE, HE SAYS, "FUCK IT." 1087 00:52:19,033 --> 00:52:20,400 HE GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE INTERSECTION. 1088 00:52:20,467 --> 00:52:21,701 HAS A BIG OLD ACCIDENT, WIPES OUT. 1089 00:52:21,767 --> 00:52:23,667 ( brrrrmmmp ! ) 1090 00:52:23,734 --> 00:52:25,567 WIPES OUT ! ALMOST KILLS SOMEBODY ! 1091 00:52:25,634 --> 00:52:27,100 AND THE POLICE COME. 1092 00:52:27,167 --> 00:52:28,968 "NIGGA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ? 1093 00:52:29,033 --> 00:52:30,801 "NIGGA, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ? 1094 00:52:30,868 --> 00:52:33,100 "YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEBODY, NIGGA ! 1095 00:52:33,167 --> 00:52:34,901 YOU SEE THE STOP SIGN ?" 1096 00:52:34,968 --> 00:52:37,701 "OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, SIR." 1097 00:52:37,767 --> 00:52:39,500 "NIGGA, YOU SEE THAT STOP SIGN ? 1098 00:52:39,567 --> 00:52:41,434 THAT STOP SIGN, RIGHT THERE ?!" 1099 00:52:41,500 --> 00:52:45,267 "OH, DO YOU MEAN THAT OCTAGON THING ?" 1100 00:52:45,334 --> 00:52:50,167 "NIGGA, WHO TAUGHT YOU OCTAGON ?!" 1101 00:52:56,133 --> 00:52:57,901 NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG WITH AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, 1102 00:52:57,968 --> 00:52:59,434 DON'T GET ME WRONG, MAN. 1103 00:52:59,500 --> 00:53:02,100 I DON'T THINK I SHOULD GET A JOB OVER A WHITE PERSON 1104 00:53:02,167 --> 00:53:04,167 IF I GET A LOWER MARK ON A TEST. 1105 00:53:04,234 --> 00:53:05,968 I DON'T THINK I SHOULD GET ACCEPTED INTO A SCHOOL 1106 00:53:06,033 --> 00:53:07,334 OVER A WHITE PERSON, 1107 00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:09,334 IF I GET A LOWER MARK ON A TEST. 1108 00:53:09,400 --> 00:53:11,100 BUT IF THERE'S A TIE ? 1109 00:53:11,167 --> 00:53:13,500 FUCK 'EM ! 1110 00:53:16,734 --> 00:53:22,434 SHIT, YOU HAD A 400-YEAR HEAD START, MOTHERFUCKER ! 1111 00:53:22,500 --> 00:53:26,734 WHITE MAN, YOU GONNA BE ALL RIGHT ! 1112 00:53:26,801 --> 00:53:28,267 YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY-- 1113 00:53:28,334 --> 00:53:29,567 A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THIS SHIT TOO. 1114 00:53:29,634 --> 00:53:31,300 "IF YOU'RE THE SMARTEST AND THE BRIGHTEST, 1115 00:53:31,367 --> 00:53:32,500 "YOU WON'T NEED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. 1116 00:53:32,567 --> 00:53:34,033 "WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET RID OF AFFIRMATIVE ACTION, 1117 00:53:34,100 --> 00:53:35,300 "ALL TOGETHER. 1118 00:53:35,367 --> 00:53:37,300 IF YOU JUST STRIVE TO BE THE SMARTEST AND THE BRIGHTEST." 1119 00:53:37,367 --> 00:53:39,267 THEY SAY THAT, AS IF THE WHOLE COUNTRY WAS RUN 1120 00:53:39,334 --> 00:53:40,767 BY THE SMARTEST AND THE BRIGHTEST. 1121 00:53:40,834 --> 00:53:42,133 NOW, I WAS IN BLACK SCHOOLS AND WHITE SCHOOLS, 1122 00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:43,968 SO YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL ME SHIT, OKAY ? 1123 00:53:44,033 --> 00:53:48,100 NOW, WHEN YOU GO TO A CLASS, THERE ARE 30 KIDS IN A CLASS. 1124 00:53:48,167 --> 00:53:50,234 FIVE SMART, FIVE DUMB, 1125 00:53:50,300 --> 00:53:52,834 AND THE REST, THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE. 1126 00:53:52,901 --> 00:53:54,100 AND THAT'S JUST ALL AMERICA IS, 1127 00:53:54,167 --> 00:53:56,334 A NATION IN THE MIDDLE. 1128 00:53:56,400 --> 00:53:59,400 A NATION OF "B" AND "C" STUDENTS. 1129 00:53:59,467 --> 00:54:00,701 THAT'S ALL THE FUCK IT IS. 1130 00:54:00,767 --> 00:54:03,300 A NATION OF "B" AND "C" STUDENTS. 1131 00:54:03,367 --> 00:54:05,801 BUT LET'S KEEP IT FUCKING REAL, OKAY ? 1132 00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:09,033 A BLACK "C" STUDENT CAN'T RUN NO FUCKING COMPANY. 1133 00:54:09,100 --> 00:54:10,267 A BLACK "C" STUDENT 1134 00:54:10,334 --> 00:54:12,701 CAN'T EVEN BE THE MANAGER OF BURGER KING ! 1135 00:54:12,767 --> 00:54:14,400 MEANWHILE, THE WHITE "C" STUDENT 1136 00:54:14,467 --> 00:54:15,868 JUST HAPPENS TO BE... 1137 00:54:15,934 --> 00:54:19,267 THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 1138 00:54:19,334 --> 00:54:22,133 ( cheering ) 1139 00:54:32,300 --> 00:54:35,100 NOW, OTHER PEOPLE GOT THEIR PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW IN AMERICA. 1140 00:54:35,167 --> 00:54:37,334 WHAT'S THE OTHER BIG ISSUE IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW ? 1141 00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:39,100 GAY MARRIAGE. 1142 00:54:39,167 --> 00:54:41,968 SHOULD GAYS BE ALLOWED TO MARRY ? 1143 00:54:42,033 --> 00:54:43,200 YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEAUTIFUL THING 1144 00:54:43,267 --> 00:54:44,734 ABOUT THE GAY MARRIAGE ISSUE, 1145 00:54:44,801 --> 00:54:48,901 IT'S THE ABSOLUTE ONLY ISSUE THAT THE PRESIDENT WILL ANSWER. 1146 00:54:48,968 --> 00:54:51,467 THE PRESIDENT DON'T GIVE A FUCK. 1147 00:54:51,534 --> 00:54:54,067 HE WILL GIVE YOU A STRAIGHT ANSWER ON GAY MARRIAGE. 1148 00:54:54,133 --> 00:54:56,200 "MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT ABOUT THE WAR ? 1149 00:54:56,267 --> 00:54:57,467 WHEN'S IT GONNA END ?" 1150 00:54:57,534 --> 00:54:58,667 "WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW, WE'RE TALKING TO PEOPLE 1151 00:54:58,734 --> 00:54:59,834 "AND WE'RE LOOKING FOR STUFF 1152 00:54:59,901 --> 00:55:01,133 "AND WE MIGHT FIND IT AND WE MIGHT NOT. 1153 00:55:01,200 --> 00:55:02,234 "IT'S OUT THERE, WE'RE GONNA GET IT. 1154 00:55:02,300 --> 00:55:03,400 "YOU NEVER KNOW, HOW'S IT GOING ? 1155 00:55:03,467 --> 00:55:05,434 YEAH !" 1156 00:55:05,500 --> 00:55:07,234 "MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT ABOUT THE ECONOMY ? 1157 00:55:07,300 --> 00:55:08,434 WHEN'S IT GONNA PICK UP ?" 1158 00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:09,634 "WELL, YOU NEVER KNOW, WE'RE TALKING TO PEOPLE, 1159 00:55:09,701 --> 00:55:12,100 "AND ECONOMIC INDICATORS INDICATE THAT INDICATIONS 1160 00:55:12,167 --> 00:55:14,534 "ARE COMING TO THE INDICATOR, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ? 1161 00:55:14,601 --> 00:55:16,167 ALL RIGHT." 1162 00:55:16,234 --> 00:55:18,033 "MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE ?" 1163 00:55:18,100 --> 00:55:20,901 "FUCK THEM FAGGOTS !" 1164 00:55:24,267 --> 00:55:28,167 DAMN ! THAT'S SOME HARSH SHIT ! 1165 00:55:28,234 --> 00:55:30,267 PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY WE CAN'T HAVE GAY MARRIAGE, 1166 00:55:30,334 --> 00:55:32,868 BECAUSE MARRIAGE IS A SACRED INSTITUTION 1167 00:55:32,934 --> 00:55:35,634 THAT HAPPENS IN THE CHURCH, IT'S SACRED ! 1168 00:55:35,701 --> 00:55:38,667 NO IT'S NOT, MARRIAGE AIN'T SACRED ! 1169 00:55:38,734 --> 00:55:40,200 NOT IN AMERICA ! 1170 00:55:40,267 --> 00:55:41,467 NOT IN A COUNTRY THAT WATCHES 1171 00:55:41,534 --> 00:55:43,367 WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE 1172 00:55:43,434 --> 00:55:45,801 AND THE BACHELOR AND THE BACHELORETTE ! 1173 00:55:45,868 --> 00:55:47,767 AND WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MIDGET ! 1174 00:55:47,834 --> 00:55:51,133 GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE ! 1175 00:55:51,200 --> 00:55:55,734 SHIT, GAY PEOPLE GOT A RIGHT TO BE AS MISERABLE 1176 00:55:55,801 --> 00:55:59,701 AS EVERYBODY ELSE ! 1177 00:55:59,767 --> 00:56:02,300 GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE ! 1178 00:56:02,367 --> 00:56:03,500 MICHAEL JACKSON GOT MARRIED. 1179 00:56:03,567 --> 00:56:06,968 HOW FUCKING SACRED IS THAT SHIT ? 1180 00:56:07,033 --> 00:56:11,467 BUT I'M MARRIED, I'M MARRIED, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING, MAN. 1181 00:56:11,534 --> 00:56:12,701 I'M MARRIED. 1182 00:56:12,767 --> 00:56:14,067 AND I DON'T CHEAT, I DON'T CHEAT. 1183 00:56:14,133 --> 00:56:17,267 I DON'T, NO. 1184 00:56:17,334 --> 00:56:20,868 NOT BECAUSE I'M A GREAT HUSBAND 1185 00:56:20,934 --> 00:56:24,968 JUST 'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF GETTING CAUGHT. 1186 00:56:25,033 --> 00:56:29,267 YOU GOTTA PUT THE GIRLS IN THE MISTRESS PROTECTION PROGRAM. 1187 00:56:29,334 --> 00:56:31,968 "ALL RIGHT, FROM NOW ON, YOUR NAME IS CAROL, OKAY ? 1188 00:56:32,033 --> 00:56:34,334 "IF ANYBODY CALLS YOU LISA, YOU IGNORE THEM. 1189 00:56:34,400 --> 00:56:35,334 OKAY, LISA ?" 1190 00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:36,434 "OKAY." 1191 00:56:36,500 --> 00:56:39,434 "BITCH, YOU GONNA GET US KILLED ! 1192 00:56:39,500 --> 00:56:41,734 "THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ? 1193 00:56:41,801 --> 00:56:44,934 YOU WON'T LAST FIVE MINUTES ON THE STREETS !" 1194 00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:46,901 NO, I DON'T CHEAT, MAN, I DON'T CHEAT. 1195 00:56:46,968 --> 00:56:48,601 ANOTHER BIG REASON I DON'T CHEAT IS 'CAUSE 1196 00:56:48,667 --> 00:56:52,500 I NEVER REALLY MEET ANY GIRLS THAT WANNA FUCK ME. 1197 00:56:52,567 --> 00:56:53,901 I'M JUST NOT THAT CELEBRITY. 1198 00:56:53,968 --> 00:56:56,234 I DON'T BRING IT OUT OF THEM LIKE THAT. 1199 00:56:56,300 --> 00:56:57,801 LIKE WOMEN SEE DENZEL WASHINGTON, 1200 00:56:57,868 --> 00:57:00,968 THEY GO, "I'M GONNA FUCK HIM !" 1201 00:57:01,033 --> 00:57:04,734 THEY START KICKING OFF SHOES AS SOON AS THEY SEE HIS ASS. 1202 00:57:04,801 --> 00:57:07,167 WOMEN SEE ME ? 1203 00:57:07,234 --> 00:57:09,801 OCCASIONALLY, THEY WANNA FUCK ME. 1204 00:57:09,868 --> 00:57:11,500 BUT WHEN WOMEN SEE ME AND THEY WANNA FUCK ME, 1205 00:57:11,567 --> 00:57:13,367 THEY GET REAL PRACTICAL ABOUT IT. 1206 00:57:13,434 --> 00:57:14,801 WOMEN GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT ?" 1207 00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:16,467 "I BET YOU IF I FUCK CHRIS ROCK, 1208 00:57:16,534 --> 00:57:21,234 I COULD GET HIM TO PAY MY VISA BILL." 1209 00:57:21,300 --> 00:57:25,934 I HAVE PAID SO MANY COLLEGE LOANS IN MY DAY. 1210 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:27,667 I HAVE PUT MORE GIRLS THROUGH SCHOOL 1211 00:57:27,734 --> 00:57:31,701 THAN THE UNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND ! 1212 00:57:34,968 --> 00:57:39,701 SHIT, I SHOULD HAVE MY OWN DORM AT HOWARD. 1213 00:57:44,500 --> 00:57:47,734 AND THIS IS THE CHRIS ROCK CAFETERIA ! 1214 00:57:47,801 --> 00:57:51,334 CHRIS LOVES SLOPPY JOES ! 1215 00:57:51,400 --> 00:57:53,334 HA-HA-HA ! 1216 00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:54,601 YES, I'M MARRIED, I'M MARRIED, 1217 00:57:54,667 --> 00:57:58,300 AND BORED OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND ! 1218 00:57:58,367 --> 00:58:01,601 BUT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING. 1219 00:58:01,667 --> 00:58:03,000 IF YOU'RE IN A GOOD RELATIONSHIP, 1220 00:58:03,067 --> 00:58:06,367 CHANCES ARE, YOU'RE BORED OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND ! 1221 00:58:06,434 --> 00:58:07,868 ALL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS ARE BORING. 1222 00:58:07,934 --> 00:58:12,634 THE ONLY EXCITING RELATIONSHIPS ARE BAD ONES. 1223 00:58:12,701 --> 00:58:14,734 YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TOMORROW 1224 00:58:14,801 --> 00:58:17,834 WHEN YOU'RE IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP. 1225 00:58:17,901 --> 00:58:19,300 YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA WALK THROUGH THE DOOR, 1226 00:58:19,367 --> 00:58:23,400 AND GO, "HEY, YOU GAVE ME CRABS ! 1227 00:58:23,467 --> 00:58:25,934 "THAT'S EXCITING ! 1228 00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:29,534 I WONDER WHAT TOMORROW'S GONNA BRING !" 1229 00:58:29,601 --> 00:58:32,067 AND THOSE ARE THE CHOICES YOU GOT IN LIFE, MAN. 1230 00:58:32,133 --> 00:58:35,801 YOU CAN BE MARRIED AND BORED OR SINGLE AND LONELY. 1231 00:58:35,868 --> 00:58:39,167 AIN'T NO HAPPINESS NOWHERE ! 1232 00:58:39,234 --> 00:58:42,367 MARRIED AND BORED OR SINGLE AND LONELY. 1233 00:58:42,434 --> 00:58:43,500 THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT. 1234 00:58:43,567 --> 00:58:46,267 AND MARRIAGE IS SOME BORING-ASS SHIT. 1235 00:58:46,334 --> 00:58:47,601 'CAUSE ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, 1236 00:58:47,667 --> 00:58:49,534 YOU GOTTA HANG AROUND OTHER MARRIED PEOPLE, 1237 00:58:49,601 --> 00:58:52,834 AND THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING. 1238 00:58:52,901 --> 00:58:57,534 YOU EVER GO TO DINNER WITH SIX NEUTERED ADULTS ? 1239 00:58:57,601 --> 00:59:00,667 A BUNCH OF WOMEN TALKING ABOUT DIAPER GENIES 1240 00:59:00,734 --> 00:59:02,567 AND HAIR COLORING ? 1241 00:59:02,634 --> 00:59:04,400 "YOU KNOW, IF YOU LEAVE IT IN TOO LONG, IT STINGS." 1242 00:59:04,467 --> 00:59:07,234 SHUT THE FUCK UP ! 1243 00:59:07,300 --> 00:59:11,400 A BUNCH OF MEN TALKING ABOUT BARBECUE GRILLS 1244 00:59:11,467 --> 00:59:13,100 AND ROUTES TO WORK. 1245 00:59:13,167 --> 00:59:14,534 "YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, I TAKE THE HIGHWAY. 1246 00:59:14,601 --> 00:59:15,634 "BUT IF IT'S BACKED UP, 1247 00:59:15,701 --> 00:59:17,234 "I GOT SOME SIDE STREETS I LIKE TO TAKE. 1248 00:59:17,300 --> 00:59:19,067 "THEY GET ME THERE IN HALF THE TIME. 1249 00:59:19,133 --> 00:59:20,234 "YEAH, YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. 1250 00:59:20,300 --> 00:59:22,000 I-95 IS CLEAR SOMETIMES." 1251 00:59:22,067 --> 00:59:26,868 SHUT THE FUCK UP ! I HATE MARRIED PEOPLE ! 1252 00:59:26,934 --> 00:59:29,467 IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING ! 1253 00:59:29,534 --> 00:59:32,133 IF YOU GO TO EAT DINNER WITH SINGLE PEOPLE, 1254 00:59:32,200 --> 00:59:35,067 SINGLE PEOPLE EAT FOR AN HOUR AND 30 MINUTES 1255 00:59:35,133 --> 00:59:39,167 AND LEAVE 'CAUSE THEY GOT FUCKING TO DO ! 1256 00:59:39,234 --> 00:59:43,400 MARRIED PEOPLE CLOSE DOWN A RESTAURANT. 1257 00:59:43,467 --> 00:59:46,868 THEY START ORDERING COFFEE AND DESSERT... 1258 00:59:46,934 --> 00:59:48,500 START TALKING TO THE ARCHITECT. 1259 00:59:48,567 --> 00:59:50,567 "I LIKE THE THING YOU PUT RIGHT THERE ! 1260 00:59:50,634 --> 00:59:51,767 AND THE THING !" 1261 00:59:51,834 --> 00:59:53,133 START TALKING TO THE COOK. 1262 00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:54,367 "WHAT'S IN THE TEA ?" 1263 00:59:54,434 --> 00:59:56,534 "WATER, BITCH !" 1264 01:00:00,300 --> 01:00:01,434 "HURRY UP ! 1265 01:00:01,500 --> 01:00:03,934 "WE GOT A LOT OF NOT FUCKING TO DO ! 1266 01:00:04,033 --> 01:00:08,000 IF YOU HURRY UP, WE CAN NOT FUCK ALL NIGHT !" 1267 01:00:08,067 --> 01:00:10,701 OH, I HATE MARRIED FUCKING PEOPLE, MAN ! 1268 01:00:10,767 --> 01:00:12,133 AND, FELLAS, ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, 1269 01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:16,400 YOU BECOME YOUR WIFE'S PET, YOU BECOME A FUCKING PET. 1270 01:00:16,467 --> 01:00:18,667 'CAUSE WOMEN LIKE TO GET THEIR HUSBANDS TOGETHER 1271 01:00:18,734 --> 01:00:20,734 THAT DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER, 1272 01:00:20,801 --> 01:00:25,000 AND HAVE LIKE A GROWN MAN PLAY DATE. 1273 01:00:25,067 --> 01:00:27,834 PUT YOU IN A ROOM WITH SOME OTHER MARRIED MOTHERFUCKER, 1274 01:00:27,901 --> 01:00:33,634 AND GO, "HE LIKES BASEBALL, JUST LIKE YOU !" 1275 01:00:33,701 --> 01:00:36,133 AND YOU'RE IN SOME ROOM WITH SOME FUCKING STRANGER, 1276 01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:38,868 GOING, "I LIKE BASEBALL !" 1277 01:00:38,934 --> 01:00:41,133 "I LIKE BASEBALL TOO !" 1278 01:00:41,200 --> 01:00:43,400 "YEAH ! YEAH, BASEBALL'S GOOD." 1279 01:00:43,467 --> 01:00:44,734 "YEAH, YEAH. 1280 01:00:44,801 --> 01:00:47,167 "HONEY, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS ? 1281 01:00:47,234 --> 01:00:49,868 "GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, I DON'T NEED NO NEW FRIENDS. 1282 01:00:49,934 --> 01:00:54,968 IF YOU WANNA HELP ME OUT, INTRODUCE ME TO A GIRL !" 1283 01:00:59,167 --> 01:01:00,901 I HATE MARRIED PEOPLE, MAN ! 1284 01:01:00,968 --> 01:01:02,901 WHENEVER I GO OUT WITH OTHER MARRIED COUPLES, 1285 01:01:02,968 --> 01:01:06,968 I LIKE TO BRING ALONG A SINGLE CRACKHEAD, 1286 01:01:07,033 --> 01:01:09,634 JUST TO SPICEN UP THE ACTIVITIES. 1287 01:01:09,701 --> 01:01:13,868 "COME ON, TELL US SOME OF YOUR CRACKY TALES, PLEASE !" 1288 01:01:17,534 --> 01:01:21,601 MARRIED AND BORED, SINGLE AND LONELY. 1289 01:01:21,667 --> 01:01:23,067 SEE, THE PROBLEM WITH RELATIONSHIPS 1290 01:01:23,133 --> 01:01:25,634 IS PEOPLE WANT TOO MUCH, MAN, PEOPLE WANT TOO MUCH. 1291 01:01:25,701 --> 01:01:27,400 EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR A SOUL MATE. 1292 01:01:27,467 --> 01:01:30,234 "A SOUL MATE, WE'RE SOUL MATES, WE'RE ONE ! 1293 01:01:30,300 --> 01:01:31,267 "WE'RE SOUL MATES. 1294 01:01:31,334 --> 01:01:33,267 "I'M A PISCES, HE'S AQUARIUS ! 1295 01:01:33,334 --> 01:01:35,634 "WE'RE PERFECT ! WE'RE SOUL MATES ! 1296 01:01:35,701 --> 01:01:37,367 "IT'S INCREDIBLE, IT'S INCRED-- 1297 01:01:37,434 --> 01:01:38,767 "HIS MOON IS MY STAR ! 1298 01:01:38,834 --> 01:01:41,300 "AND HE'S A SOUL MATE, WE'RE SOUL MATES ! 1299 01:01:41,367 --> 01:01:42,701 "AND WE COMPLETE EACH OTHER 1300 01:01:42,767 --> 01:01:44,167 "AND WE FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES. 1301 01:01:44,234 --> 01:01:45,500 "AND THE OTHER DAY, IT WAS RAINING, 1302 01:01:45,567 --> 01:01:47,000 "AND I SAID, 'HONEY, IT'S GETTING READY TO RAIN,' 1303 01:01:47,067 --> 01:01:48,634 "AND HE SAID RAIN TOO ! 1304 01:01:48,701 --> 01:01:51,634 "IT'S AMAZING ! IT'S LIKE WE'RE TELEKINEEZIC ! 1305 01:01:51,701 --> 01:01:55,767 WE'RE TELEKINEEZIC ! IT'S INCREDIBLE, MY GOD !" 1306 01:01:55,834 --> 01:01:59,267 NOBODY GETS A SOUL MATE- IT DON'T HAPPEN. 1307 01:01:59,334 --> 01:02:03,133 ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET IN LIFE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY, IS A MATE. 1308 01:02:03,200 --> 01:02:05,300 JUST A MATE ! 1309 01:02:05,367 --> 01:02:08,100 SOMEBODY TO FUCK AND GO TO THE MOVIES WITH. 1310 01:02:08,167 --> 01:02:09,801 YOU FUCK, GO TO ANOTHER MOVIE. 1311 01:02:09,868 --> 01:02:11,701 YOU FUCK, GO TO THE COMEDY SHOW. 1312 01:02:11,767 --> 01:02:13,868 YOU FUCK, GO TO YOUR GRANDMAMA'S HOUSE. 1313 01:02:13,934 --> 01:02:15,634 YOU FUCK, YOU GO TO YOUR MAMA'S HOUSE. 1314 01:02:15,701 --> 01:02:17,367 YOU FUCK, YOU GO SEE ANOTHER MOVIE. 1315 01:02:17,434 --> 01:02:19,567 AND SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN FUCKING AND MOVIES, 1316 01:02:19,634 --> 01:02:24,367 HE GOES, "YOU WANNA GET SOMETHING TO EAT ?" 1317 01:02:24,434 --> 01:02:26,067 AND THAT'S ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE ! 1318 01:02:26,133 --> 01:02:27,367 THEY AIN'T THAT COMPLICATED ! 1319 01:02:27,434 --> 01:02:29,200 IT'S JUST FUCKING AND EATING ! 1320 01:02:29,267 --> 01:02:30,934 AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE FUCKING SOMEBODY, 1321 01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:32,334 AND YOU DON'T LIKE EATING WITH HIM, 1322 01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:35,434 Y'ALL DON'T NEED TO BE TOGETHER ! 1323 01:02:35,500 --> 01:02:37,601 AND THE LONGER YOU'RE WITH SOMEBODY, 1324 01:02:37,667 --> 01:02:41,834 IT'S MORE EATING AND LESS FUCKING ! 1325 01:02:41,901 --> 01:02:44,567 SHIT, YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER THE LAST TIME YOU FUCKED ! 1326 01:02:44,634 --> 01:02:50,467 BUT YOU KNOW YOU HAD RICE AND BEANS ON WEDNESDAY ! 1327 01:02:50,534 --> 01:02:52,734 YOU NEVER GONNA GET A SOUL MATE ! 1328 01:02:52,801 --> 01:02:54,767 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MEET THE PERFECT PERSON. 1329 01:02:54,834 --> 01:02:56,133 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MEET SOMEBODY 1330 01:02:56,200 --> 01:02:58,267 THAT LOVES SEINFELD AND THE WU-TANG CLAN ! 1331 01:02:58,334 --> 01:03:02,000 IT AIN'T HAPPENING ! IT AIN'T HAPPENING ! 1332 01:03:02,067 --> 01:03:04,567 AND EVEN IF YOU MEET THE PERFECT PERSON, 1333 01:03:04,634 --> 01:03:06,467 IT AIN'T GONNA BE THE PERFECT TIME. 1334 01:03:06,534 --> 01:03:09,601 YOU'RE MARRIED, THEY'RE SINGLE. 1335 01:03:09,667 --> 01:03:10,734 THAT'S RIGHT. 1336 01:03:10,801 --> 01:03:13,968 YOU'RE JEWISH, THEY'RE PALESTINIAN. 1337 01:03:14,033 --> 01:03:17,100 YOU'RE MEXICAN, THEY'RE A RACCOON. 1338 01:03:17,167 --> 01:03:21,767 YOU'RE A BLACK WOMAN, HE'S A BLACK MAN. 1339 01:03:26,100 --> 01:03:30,868 THERE'S ALWAYS AN OBSTACLE IN THE WAY. 1340 01:03:30,934 --> 01:03:33,667 YOU NEVER GONNA MEET THE PERFECT PERSON. 1341 01:03:33,734 --> 01:03:36,667 IT'S NEVER GONNA HAPPEN FOR YOU, OKAY ? 1342 01:03:36,734 --> 01:03:37,934 EVERY NOW AND THEN, 1343 01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:40,601 GOD LIKES TO PLAY PRACTICAL JOKES ON PEOPLE. 1344 01:03:40,667 --> 01:03:41,567 THAT'S RIGHT. 1345 01:03:41,634 --> 01:03:43,234 GOD WILL SEND YOU ON A DOUBLE DATE 1346 01:03:43,300 --> 01:03:45,634 WITH THE PERFECT COUPLE. 1347 01:03:45,701 --> 01:03:47,801 YOU EVER BEEN OUT WITH THE PERFECT COUPLE ? 1348 01:03:47,868 --> 01:03:50,434 YOU EVER MADE THE MISTAKE OF GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE 1349 01:03:50,500 --> 01:03:52,868 WITH A COUPLE THAT'S ACTUALLY IN LOVE ? 1350 01:03:52,934 --> 01:03:57,467 YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR BULLSHIT RELATIONSHIP, 1351 01:03:57,534 --> 01:04:00,467 AND YOU ACTUALLY SIT DOWN WITH TWO PEOPLE THAT'S IN LOVE. 1352 01:04:00,534 --> 01:04:02,601 YOU CAN'T EVEN EAT YOUR FOOD 1353 01:04:02,667 --> 01:04:07,000 BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE WITNESSING. 1354 01:04:07,067 --> 01:04:11,000 YOU GOT A FORK IN YOUR HAND, YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, SHIT !" 1355 01:04:11,067 --> 01:04:14,901 "HE'S REALLY LISTENING TO WHAT SHE GOT TO SAY ! 1356 01:04:14,968 --> 01:04:18,767 "WOW, THEY REALLY LIKE BEING AROUND EACH OTHER ! 1357 01:04:18,834 --> 01:04:21,200 "MAN, WE CAN'T HANG WITH THEM NO MORE ! 1358 01:04:21,267 --> 01:04:25,100 THEY GONNA BREAK US UP !" 1359 01:04:25,167 --> 01:04:28,467 YOU CAN'T LET THESE HAPPY MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK UP MY LIFE ! 1360 01:04:28,534 --> 01:04:30,100 NO WAY ! 1361 01:04:30,167 --> 01:04:33,200 SEE THE THING, MAN, MEN, WE ARE ILL-PREPARED 1362 01:04:33,267 --> 01:04:36,567 WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, WE ARE ILL-PREPARED, MAN, 1363 01:04:36,634 --> 01:04:38,033 THAT'S RIGHT. 1364 01:04:38,100 --> 01:04:40,167 YOU WOULD THINK BY NOW, WOMEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD. 1365 01:04:40,234 --> 01:04:42,200 YOU WOULD THINK WOMEN WOULD RULE THE WORLD. 1366 01:04:42,267 --> 01:04:44,567 BUT THEY DON'T ! THEY DON'T ! 1367 01:04:44,634 --> 01:04:46,534 YOU KNOW WHY ? 1368 01:04:46,601 --> 01:04:50,167 BECAUSE WOMEN HATE WOMEN. 1369 01:04:50,234 --> 01:04:53,601 WOMEN HATE WOMEN ! 1370 01:04:53,667 --> 01:04:55,200 YOU DO ! 1371 01:04:55,267 --> 01:04:57,300 AND YOU GET ANY TWO GIRLFRIENDS IN THIS ROOM, 1372 01:04:57,367 --> 01:04:59,500 BEEN GIRLFRIENDS FOR 25 YEARS, 1373 01:04:59,567 --> 01:05:00,834 YOU PUT A MAN IN BETWEEN THEM ? 1374 01:05:00,901 --> 01:05:04,467 "FUCK THAT BITCH ! FUCK THAT BITCH !" 1375 01:05:04,534 --> 01:05:07,968 WOMEN HATE WOMEN, GUYS ARE NOT LIKE THAT. 1376 01:05:08,033 --> 01:05:11,968 GUYS ACTUALLY THINK THERE'S OTHER FISH IN THE SEA. 1377 01:05:12,033 --> 01:05:16,067 IF A GUY INTRODUCES HIS BOY TO HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, 1378 01:05:16,133 --> 01:05:17,400 WHEN THEY WALK AWAY, 1379 01:05:17,467 --> 01:05:20,033 HIS BOY GOES, "OH, MAN, SHE'S NICE. 1380 01:05:20,100 --> 01:05:24,534 I GOTTA GET ME A GIRL LIKE THAT." 1381 01:05:26,234 --> 01:05:31,200 IF A WOMAN INTRODUCES HER NEW MAN TO HER GIRLFRIEND, 1382 01:05:31,267 --> 01:05:32,767 WHEN THEY WALK AWAY, 1383 01:05:32,834 --> 01:05:37,434 HER GIRLFRIEND GOES, "I GOTTA GET HIM ! 1384 01:05:37,500 --> 01:05:44,167 AND I WILL SLIT THAT BITCH'S THROAT TO DO IT !" 1385 01:05:44,234 --> 01:05:46,067 SHIT, EVERY WOMAN IN HERE GOT A GIRLFRIEND 1386 01:05:46,133 --> 01:05:48,400 THEY DON'T TRUST AROUND THEIR MAN ! 1387 01:05:48,467 --> 01:05:49,801 A GOOD GIRLFRIEND TOO ! 1388 01:05:49,868 --> 01:05:51,100 LIKE, "YEAH, I'LL GO SHOPPING WITH HER." 1389 01:05:51,167 --> 01:05:52,367 "BUT I AIN'T GONNA LEAVE THAT BITCH WITH MY MAN 1390 01:05:52,434 --> 01:05:55,667 FOR FIVE MINUTES, NO." 1391 01:05:55,734 --> 01:05:59,133 I REMEMBER ONE TIME, ONE TIME, I WAS AT A RESTAURANT. 1392 01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:02,667 ME, MY WIFE, HER GIRLFRIEND. 1393 01:06:02,734 --> 01:06:05,267 MY WIFE SAID, "I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM." 1394 01:06:05,334 --> 01:06:07,167 I SAID, "OKAY, HONEY, I'LL SEE YOU WHEN I GET BACK." 1395 01:06:07,234 --> 01:06:10,200 SHE SAID, "NO, YOU COME WITH ME !" 1396 01:06:10,267 --> 01:06:14,601 AND SHE MADE ME COME WITH HER TO THE BATHROOM ! 1397 01:06:14,667 --> 01:06:15,801 AND SHE DID THE RIGHT THING ! 1398 01:06:15,868 --> 01:06:16,801 BECAUSE I'D HAVE FUCKED HER GIRL. 1399 01:06:16,868 --> 01:06:19,868 I'D HAVE FUCKED HER. 1400 01:06:24,601 --> 01:06:26,567 I'D HAVE FUCKED HER ON A QUESADILLA ! 1401 01:06:26,634 --> 01:06:28,634 I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ! 1402 01:06:28,701 --> 01:06:31,467 ( laughing ) 1403 01:06:31,534 --> 01:06:36,200 OH, MAN, THAT'S RIGHT. 1404 01:06:36,267 --> 01:06:40,434 MARRIED AND BORED, SINGLE AND LONELY. 1405 01:06:40,500 --> 01:06:41,500 THAT'S RIGHT, GUYS. 1406 01:06:41,567 --> 01:06:43,000 AND HERE'S THE THING, MAN- 1407 01:06:43,067 --> 01:06:45,467 WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU WANNA KILL YOUR SPOUSE. 1408 01:06:45,534 --> 01:06:49,367 WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE, YOU WANNA KILL YOURSELF. 1409 01:06:49,434 --> 01:06:52,167 BETTER HER THAN ME ! 1410 01:06:52,234 --> 01:06:55,968 AND ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM THAT'S EVER BEEN IN LOVE 1411 01:06:56,033 --> 01:06:57,834 WILL TESTIFY TO THIS SHIT. 1412 01:06:57,901 --> 01:07:00,400 IF YOU HAVEN'T CONTEMPLATED MURDER, 1413 01:07:00,467 --> 01:07:03,701 YOU AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE. 1414 01:07:03,767 --> 01:07:06,000 IF YOU HAVEN'T SERIOUSLY THOUGHT ABOUT 1415 01:07:06,067 --> 01:07:08,968 KILLING A MOTHERFUCKER, YOU AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE. 1416 01:07:09,033 --> 01:07:11,934 IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A CAN OF RAT POISON IN YOUR HAND, 1417 01:07:12,000 --> 01:07:15,334 AND LOOKED AT IT FOR 45 MINUTES STRAIGHT, 1418 01:07:15,400 --> 01:07:17,200 YOU AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE. 1419 01:07:17,267 --> 01:07:21,000 IF YOU HAVEN'T BOUGHT A SHOVEL AND A BAG AND A RUG 1420 01:07:21,067 --> 01:07:24,367 TO ROLL THEIR ASS UP IN, YOU AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE. 1421 01:07:24,434 --> 01:07:26,601 IF YOU HAVEN'T PRACTICED YOUR ALIBI 1422 01:07:26,667 --> 01:07:29,167 IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, 1423 01:07:29,234 --> 01:07:30,901 YOU AIN'T BEEN IN LOVE. 1424 01:07:30,968 --> 01:07:32,601 AND THE ONLY THING THAT'S STOPPED YOU 1425 01:07:32,667 --> 01:07:37,868 FROM KILLING THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS AN EPISODE OF C.S.I. ! 1426 01:07:44,534 --> 01:07:47,067 "OH, MAN, THEY THOROUGH. 1427 01:07:47,133 --> 01:07:50,400 I BETTER MAKE UP, THEY MIGHT CATCH MY ASS." 1428 01:07:50,467 --> 01:07:51,567 THAT'S RIGHT, MAN. 1429 01:07:51,634 --> 01:07:53,300 SEE, RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD, MAN. 1430 01:07:53,367 --> 01:07:55,734 BUT IN ORDER FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP TO WORK, 1431 01:07:55,801 --> 01:07:58,467 BOTH PEOPLE HAVE TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE. 1432 01:07:58,534 --> 01:08:00,701 BOTH PEOPLE HAVE TO HAVE THE SAME FOCUS. 1433 01:08:00,767 --> 01:08:01,868 THAT'S RIGHT. 1434 01:08:01,934 --> 01:08:03,033 AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT PAGE IS. 1435 01:08:03,100 --> 01:08:04,767 WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT FOCUS IS. 1436 01:08:04,834 --> 01:08:06,167 IN ORDER FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK, 1437 01:08:06,234 --> 01:08:08,067 BOTH PEOPLE OUGHTA HAVE THE SAME FOCUS. 1438 01:08:08,133 --> 01:08:09,033 AND WHAT'S THAT FOCUS ? 1439 01:08:09,100 --> 01:08:13,167 THE FOCUS IS ALL ABOUT HER, 1440 01:08:13,234 --> 01:08:16,033 IT'S ALL ABOUT HER ! 1441 01:08:16,100 --> 01:08:17,767 SHE'S ALREADY THERE, FELLAS, 1442 01:08:17,834 --> 01:08:20,634 SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU TO COME ABOARD ! 1443 01:08:20,701 --> 01:08:22,901 FELLAS, WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, 1444 01:08:22,968 --> 01:08:24,834 YOU SHOULD LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR, 1445 01:08:24,901 --> 01:08:28,667 AND SAY, "FUCK YOU !" 1446 01:08:28,734 --> 01:08:30,667 "FUCK YOUR HOPES, FUCK YOUR DREAMS, 1447 01:08:30,734 --> 01:08:32,267 "FUCK YOUR PLANS, 1448 01:08:32,334 --> 01:08:35,400 FUCK EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT THIS LIFE WAS GONNA BRING YOU." 1449 01:08:35,467 --> 01:08:39,868 NOW, LET'S GO OUT THERE AND TRY TO MAKE THIS BITCH HAPPY ! 1450 01:08:39,934 --> 01:08:42,767 ( cheering ) 1451 01:08:48,234 --> 01:08:52,601 YES ! IT'S ALL ABOUT HER, FELLAS ! 1452 01:08:52,667 --> 01:08:55,434 SAY YES TO EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING. 1453 01:08:55,500 --> 01:08:59,100 EVERYTHING YOU COULD AFFORD, SAY YES TO. 1454 01:08:59,167 --> 01:09:00,801 JUST SAY YES. 1455 01:09:00,868 --> 01:09:02,934 BEFORE SHE EVEN GETS IT OUT OF HER FUCKING MOUTH, 1456 01:09:03,000 --> 01:09:04,200 "HONEY, CAN-- YES." 1457 01:09:04,267 --> 01:09:06,133 "HONEY, I WANNA-- YES. HONEY, HOW ABOUT-- YES." 1458 01:09:06,200 --> 01:09:07,300 JUST GET A STAMP. 1459 01:09:07,367 --> 01:09:09,634 "YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES !" 1460 01:09:09,701 --> 01:09:10,934 ANOTHER THING, FELLAS- 1461 01:09:11,000 --> 01:09:14,901 DON'T ARGUE, YOU CANNOT WIN. 1462 01:09:14,968 --> 01:09:17,701 YOU CANNOT BEAT A WOMAN IN AN ARGUMENT. 1463 01:09:17,767 --> 01:09:20,200 IT'S IMPOSSIBLE, YOU WILL NOT WIN. 1464 01:09:20,267 --> 01:09:23,801 'CAUSE, MEN, WE ARE HANDICAPPED WHEN IT COMES TO ARGUING, 1465 01:09:23,868 --> 01:09:28,133 'CAUSE WE HAVE A NEED TO MAKE SENSE. 1466 01:09:29,767 --> 01:09:32,167 ( hooting & hollering ) 1467 01:09:39,033 --> 01:09:40,767 WOMEN AIN'T GONNA LET A LITTLE THING LIKE SENSE 1468 01:09:40,834 --> 01:09:43,400 FUCK UP THEIR ARGUMENT ! 1469 01:09:43,467 --> 01:09:44,801 BECAUSE SHE'S NOT IN IT FOR SENSE. 1470 01:09:44,868 --> 01:09:48,534 SHE'S IN IT FOR DISTANCE AND IRRITATION. 1471 01:09:48,601 --> 01:09:53,033 "HOW LONG COULD I TALK BEFORE THIS MOTHERFUCKER SNAPS ?" 1472 01:09:53,100 --> 01:09:55,367 THEY WANT YOU TO SHAKE THE SHIT OUTTA THEM, 1473 01:09:55,434 --> 01:09:57,000 UNTIL YOU HEAR THE COPS COMING. 1474 01:09:57,067 --> 01:09:58,934 "MOTHERFUCKER, I'M SERIOUS ! MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT THE FUCK ?!" 1475 01:09:59,000 --> 01:10:01,234 "OH SHIT, LET ME GET THE FUCK OUT !" 1476 01:10:07,033 --> 01:10:08,200 THAT'S RIGHT. 1477 01:10:08,267 --> 01:10:11,601 AND LIKE I SAID, TRY YOUR BEST TO MAKE HER HAPPY. 1478 01:10:11,667 --> 01:10:13,167 TRY YOUR BEST ! 1479 01:10:13,234 --> 01:10:14,901 BUT HERE'S ONE THING NOBODY TELLS YOU, 1480 01:10:14,968 --> 01:10:19,701 YOU CAN'T MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY ! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE ! 1481 01:10:19,767 --> 01:10:22,834 I'VE NEVER MET A HAPPY WOMAN IN MY LIFE. 1482 01:10:22,901 --> 01:10:25,367 WOMEN ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT SOMETHING. 1483 01:10:25,434 --> 01:10:26,767 SHIT, WOMEN LIKE TO COMPLAIN. 1484 01:10:26,834 --> 01:10:29,534 WOMEN SAVE UP SHIT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT. 1485 01:10:29,601 --> 01:10:30,934 "OH, HE DON'T EVEN KNOW I KNOW, 1486 01:10:31,000 --> 01:10:34,834 BUT I'M GONNA GET HIS ASS ON THAT SHIT NEXT MONTH !" 1487 01:10:37,167 --> 01:10:40,601 THEY LIKE FUCKING COMPLAINING ! THEY LOVE IT ! 1488 01:10:40,667 --> 01:10:42,601 NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, SHE'LL BE MAD. 1489 01:10:42,667 --> 01:10:45,133 YOU COULD FUCK A WOMAN WITH A DIAMOND DICK 1490 01:10:45,200 --> 01:10:48,667 AND MAKE HER COME 10 TIMES, SHE'LL STILL COMPLAIN. 1491 01:10:48,734 --> 01:10:52,400 "WHY YOU MADE ME COME SO HARD ? 1492 01:10:52,467 --> 01:10:55,500 "THIS DIAMOND DICK IS CLOUDY. 1493 01:10:55,567 --> 01:10:56,767 "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO TIFFANY'S ? 1494 01:10:56,834 --> 01:10:59,133 YOU'RE SO FUCKING CHEAP." 1495 01:10:59,200 --> 01:11:04,000 NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOUR WOMAN IS MAD... AT... YOU ! 1496 01:11:04,067 --> 01:11:05,434 IF YOU WORK ALL THE TIME, 1497 01:11:05,500 --> 01:11:08,667 "WHY YOU WORK ALL THE TIME ? YOU AIN'T NEVER HOME, 1498 01:11:08,734 --> 01:11:13,334 YOU'RE ALWAYS LEAVING ME ! I HATE THIS SHIT !" 1499 01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:14,901 IF YOU HOME ALL THE TIME, 1500 01:11:14,968 --> 01:11:16,868 "WHY YOU ALL UP UNDER ME ? 1501 01:11:16,934 --> 01:11:19,868 "LET ME GET SOME FUCKING ROOM TO BREATHE. 1502 01:11:19,934 --> 01:11:24,467 DAMN, STOP SWEATING ME ! I HATE THIS SHIT !" 1503 01:11:24,534 --> 01:11:26,400 IF YOU MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HER, 1504 01:11:26,467 --> 01:11:29,868 "WELL, FUCK YOU ! I WANNA MAKE DECISIONS TOO ! 1505 01:11:29,934 --> 01:11:31,434 "YOU AIN'T MY FUCKING DADDY ! 1506 01:11:31,500 --> 01:11:33,567 "I DON'T NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME ! 1507 01:11:33,634 --> 01:11:35,934 I HATE THIS SHIT !" 1508 01:11:36,000 --> 01:11:37,601 IF SHE MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU, 1509 01:11:37,667 --> 01:11:41,400 "YOU BROKE MOTHERFUCKER ! 1510 01:11:41,467 --> 01:11:44,067 "YOU NEVER HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY ! 1511 01:11:44,133 --> 01:11:45,701 "FUCK THIS SHIT ! 1512 01:11:45,767 --> 01:11:47,300 "I DON'T WANNA MAKE ALL THESE DECISIONS ! 1513 01:11:47,367 --> 01:11:49,067 "I NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF ! 1514 01:11:49,133 --> 01:11:52,868 I HATE THIS SHIT ! I CAN'T TAKE IT !" 1515 01:11:52,934 --> 01:11:57,167 AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOUR WOMAN'S ALWAYS MAD, FELLAS, 1516 01:11:57,234 --> 01:11:59,033 THE NUMBER ONE REASON 1517 01:11:59,100 --> 01:12:02,334 YOUR WOMAN'S PISSED THE FUCK OFF... 1518 01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:07,601 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T HER FIRST CHOICE. 1519 01:12:07,667 --> 01:12:11,534 FELLAS, YOU EVER CATCH YOUR WOMAN JUST LOOKING AT YOU, 1520 01:12:11,601 --> 01:12:14,534 BUT NOT SAYING NOTHING ? 1521 01:12:20,500 --> 01:12:21,734 IN HER MIND, SHE'S THINKING, 1522 01:12:21,801 --> 01:12:26,167 "HOW DID I END UP WITH THIS UGLY MOTHERFUCKER ? 1523 01:12:26,234 --> 01:12:29,534 "OH, LORD, THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S UGLY AND STUPID. 1524 01:12:29,601 --> 01:12:32,200 "I HAD A GOOD MAN AND I BLEW IT. 1525 01:12:32,267 --> 01:12:35,567 "DAMN, LORD, KILL MY MAN, KILL HIM, PLEASE. 1526 01:12:35,634 --> 01:12:37,234 "KILL HIM WHILE I STILL LOOK GOOD ENOUGH 1527 01:12:37,300 --> 01:12:38,868 "TO GET SOMETHING NEW. 1528 01:12:38,934 --> 01:12:40,667 "PLEASE, KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER. 1529 01:12:40,734 --> 01:12:42,834 "NOW, STRIKE HIM ! STRIKE HIM ! 1530 01:12:42,901 --> 01:12:48,133 IF YOU OUT THERE, LORD, STRIKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER DEAD !" 1531 01:12:52,901 --> 01:12:56,067 NOTHING GETS YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE, MAN. 1532 01:12:56,133 --> 01:12:58,100 NOTHING ! NOBODY ! 1533 01:12:58,167 --> 01:13:00,100 NOTHING GETS YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE. 1534 01:13:00,167 --> 01:13:01,567 NOBODY TELLS YOU THAT ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, 1535 01:13:01,634 --> 01:13:04,968 YOU WILL NEVER FUCK AGAIN ! 1536 01:13:05,033 --> 01:13:08,534 IF YOU LIKE FUCKING, MARRIAGE AIN'T FOR YOU ! 1537 01:13:08,601 --> 01:13:11,334 SHIT, I HAVEN'T FUCKED IN SEVEN YEARS ! 1538 01:13:11,400 --> 01:13:14,300 I'VE HAD INTERCOURSE. 1539 01:13:14,367 --> 01:13:16,701 SEE, INTERCOURSE IS WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF THE SHOWER, 1540 01:13:16,767 --> 01:13:18,334 ON THE NICE SHEETS. 1541 01:13:18,400 --> 01:13:21,601 FUCKING'S IN THE BACK OF A RENTAL CAR. 1542 01:13:21,667 --> 01:13:25,234 WHEN YOUR WOMAN GOES, "COME ON, GET SOME !" 1543 01:13:29,801 --> 01:13:31,934 AND NOBODY GETS YOU READY FOR THAT SHIT. 1544 01:13:32,000 --> 01:13:33,601 NOBODY TELLS YOU THAT ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, 1545 01:13:33,667 --> 01:13:36,434 YOU WILL NEVER GET PUSSY AGAIN ! 1546 01:13:36,500 --> 01:13:39,834 IF YOU LIKE PUSSY, MARRIAGE AIN'T FOR YOU ! 1547 01:13:39,901 --> 01:13:42,801 I HAVEN'T HAD PUSSY IN SEVEN YEARS ! 1548 01:13:42,868 --> 01:13:46,000 I'VE HAD VAGINA ! 1549 01:13:46,067 --> 01:13:51,334 I HATE VAGINA ! I CAME OUT OF A VAGINA ! 1550 01:13:51,400 --> 01:13:52,434 AS SOON AS I GOT OUT, I SAID, 1551 01:13:52,500 --> 01:13:56,267 "MAN, I GOT TO GET ME SOME PUSSY !" 1552 01:13:56,334 --> 01:14:00,167 SEE, THEY DON'T PREPARE YOU, THEY DON'T TELL YOU. 1553 01:14:00,234 --> 01:14:04,100 MARRIED WOMEN DON'T HAVE PUSSIES. 1554 01:14:04,167 --> 01:14:07,033 MARRIED WOMEN HAVE VAGINAS. 1555 01:14:07,100 --> 01:14:08,200 IF YOU GO TO A WEDDING 1556 01:14:08,267 --> 01:14:09,701 AND THE WOMAN'S THROWING THE BOUQUET, 1557 01:14:09,767 --> 01:14:11,000 SHE AIN'T THROWING THE BOUQUET. 1558 01:14:11,067 --> 01:14:14,033 SHE'S THROWING THE PUSSY ! 1559 01:14:14,100 --> 01:14:16,834 "I WON'T BE NEEDING THIS NO MORE !" 1560 01:14:24,434 --> 01:14:25,834 AND THE WOMAN THAT CATCHES IT NEXT 1561 01:14:25,901 --> 01:14:27,200 GONNA GET MARRIED, YOU KNOW WHY ? 1562 01:14:27,267 --> 01:14:30,000 'CAUSE NOW SHE GOT TWO PUSSIES ! 1563 01:14:30,067 --> 01:14:32,500 YOU GOTTA MARRY THE TWO-PUSSY GIRL ! 1564 01:14:32,567 --> 01:14:34,601 BUT IT AIN'T JUST MEN THAT LOSE OUT ON MARRIAGE. 1565 01:14:34,667 --> 01:14:36,634 WOMEN, YOU LOSE OUT TOO. 1566 01:14:36,701 --> 01:14:37,968 WOMEN, ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, 1567 01:14:38,033 --> 01:14:41,033 HE WILL NEVER LICK YOUR PUSSY, AGAIN. 1568 01:14:41,100 --> 01:14:42,200 PUSSY, VAGINA, 1569 01:14:42,267 --> 01:14:43,467 WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANNA CALL IT. 1570 01:14:43,534 --> 01:14:45,801 HE WILL NEVER LICK YOUR PUSSY AGAIN. 1571 01:14:45,868 --> 01:14:46,968 I SEE SOME MARRIED WOMEN 1572 01:14:47,033 --> 01:14:49,667 WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES RIGHT NOW. 1573 01:14:49,734 --> 01:14:53,133 HE WILL NEVER LICK YOUR PUSSY AGAIN. 1574 01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:54,534 FOREVER, EVER ! 1575 01:14:54,601 --> 01:14:56,601 ( higher pitch ) FOREVER, EVER ? 1576 01:14:56,667 --> 01:14:58,467 FOREVER, EVER ! 1577 01:14:59,701 --> 01:15:03,200 HE WILL NEVER LICK YOUR PUSSY AGAIN. 1578 01:15:03,267 --> 01:15:04,601 THAT'S RIGHT. 1579 01:15:04,667 --> 01:15:08,701 OH, DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE'LL GIVE IT ONE COAT, 1580 01:15:08,767 --> 01:15:10,434 BUT HE AIN'T GONNA PUT THE FINISH ON IT, 1581 01:15:10,500 --> 01:15:12,567 LIKE HE USED TO. 1582 01:15:12,634 --> 01:15:16,033 HE USED TO PUT A SPIT SHINE ON YOUR PUSSY ! 1583 01:15:16,100 --> 01:15:19,567 YOU HAD TO PUT ON SHADES JUST TO LOOK AT YOUR PUSSY ! 1584 01:15:19,634 --> 01:15:23,067 PUT A LITTLE STICKER NEXT TO YOUR PUSSY ! 1585 01:15:23,133 --> 01:15:25,133 "OBJECTS IN PUSSY MAY APPEAR CLOSER 1586 01:15:25,200 --> 01:15:28,901 THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE." 1587 01:15:28,968 --> 01:15:32,801 NOBODY GETS YOU READY FOR THIS SHIT ! 1588 01:15:32,868 --> 01:15:34,300 THAT'S RIGHT. 1589 01:15:34,367 --> 01:15:36,834 FELLAS, ONCE YOU GET MARRIED, NO MORE BLOW JOBS ! 1590 01:15:36,901 --> 01:15:40,400 IF YOU LIKE BLOW JOBS, MARRIAGE AIN'T FOR YOU. 1591 01:15:40,467 --> 01:15:43,234 I HAVEN'T HAD A BLOW JOB IN SEVEN YEARS ! 1592 01:15:43,300 --> 01:15:47,067 I'VE HAD FELLATIO. 1593 01:15:49,234 --> 01:15:50,500 SEE, WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE, 1594 01:15:50,567 --> 01:15:52,234 YOU GET THE BEST BLOW JOBS IN THE WORLD. 1595 01:15:52,300 --> 01:15:55,334 8, 12, 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT, 1596 01:15:55,400 --> 01:15:58,133 LIKE THE GIRL'S AUDITIONING ON YOUR DICK. 1597 01:15:58,200 --> 01:16:00,567 LIKE SHE'S GIVING YOUR DICK A SECOND OPINION. 1598 01:16:00,634 --> 01:16:04,901 LIKE SHE'S GOING FOR HER SCUBA LICENSE ! 1599 01:16:04,968 --> 01:16:06,534 YOU GET MARRIED, 1600 01:16:06,601 --> 01:16:10,534 EVERY MARRIED MAN I KNOW GETS THE SAME LAZY-ASS BLOW JOB. 1601 01:16:10,601 --> 01:16:13,667 IT'S LIKE THREE LICKS, LIKE, "AH, AH, AH." 1602 01:16:13,734 --> 01:16:15,467 "IS IT HARD ? PUT IT IN ! 1603 01:16:15,534 --> 01:16:18,467 I GOTTA FOLD THESE CLOTHES !" 1604 01:16:22,534 --> 01:16:26,300 WHAT KINDA LAZY-ASS BLOW JOB IS THIS SHIT ? 1605 01:16:26,367 --> 01:16:30,234 IF WE WAS AT A RESTAURANT, I WOULD SEND THIS BACK. 1606 01:16:30,300 --> 01:16:33,801 WAITER, THIS BLOW JOB AIN'T READY YET ! 1607 01:16:33,868 --> 01:16:35,200 YO, MARRIAGE IS TOUGH, MAN. 1608 01:16:35,267 --> 01:16:36,934 MARRIAGE IS REAL FUCKING TOUGH, MAN. 1609 01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:41,267 MARRIAGE IS SO TOUGH, NELSON MANDELA GOT A DIVORCE. 1610 01:16:41,334 --> 01:16:44,434 NELSON MANDELA GOT A FUCKING DIVORCE. 1611 01:16:44,500 --> 01:16:49,367 NELSON MANDELA SPENT 27 YEARS IN A SOUTH AFRICAN PRISON. 1612 01:16:49,434 --> 01:16:53,868 GOT BEATEN AND TORTURED EVERY DAY FOR 27 YEARS, 1613 01:16:53,934 --> 01:16:56,334 AND DID IT WITH NO FUCKING PROBLEM. 1614 01:16:56,400 --> 01:17:00,500 MADE TO DO HARD LABOR IN 100° SOUTH AFRICAN HEAT 1615 01:17:00,567 --> 01:17:03,701 FOR 27 YEARS AND DID IT WITH NO PROBLEM. 1616 01:17:03,767 --> 01:17:07,500 HE GOT OUTTA JAIL AFTER 27 YEARS OF TORTURE, 1617 01:17:07,567 --> 01:17:09,500 SPENT SIX MONTHS WITH HIS WIFE, 1618 01:17:09,567 --> 01:17:13,734 AND SAID, "I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT NO MORE !" 1619 01:17:13,801 --> 01:17:16,434 HEY, I'M OUTTA HERE ! Y'ALL TAKE CARE ! 1620 01:17:16,500 --> 01:17:18,467 THANK YOU ! THANK YOU ! 1621 01:17:18,534 --> 01:17:21,834 ( cheers & applause ) 1622 01:17:34,667 --> 01:17:37,100 ♪ LET'S GET IT ALL IN PERSPECTIVE ♪ 1623 01:17:37,167 --> 01:17:39,801 ♪ FOR ALL Y'ALL ENJOYMENT A SONG Y'ALL CAN STEP WITH ♪ 1624 01:17:39,868 --> 01:17:42,067 ♪ Y'ALL APPOINTED ME TO BRING RAP JUSTICE... ♪ 1625 01:17:42,133 --> 01:17:46,033 BEST SHOW EVER ! IT WAS HILARIOUS ! 1626 01:17:46,100 --> 01:17:47,868 ONCE AGAIN, MAN, YOUR LIFE IS OVER. 1627 01:17:47,934 --> 01:17:49,100 "NO MORE BLOW JOBS ! 1628 01:17:49,167 --> 01:17:50,434 I'M TELLING YOU, DON'T GET MARRIED !" 1629 01:17:50,500 --> 01:17:52,500 HE WAS FUNNY AS A MOTHERFUCKER, 1630 01:17:52,567 --> 01:17:53,667 I'M GONNA COME AND SEE HIM AGAIN ! 1631 01:17:53,734 --> 01:17:55,500 MY DIMPLES HURT, I LAUGHED SO HARD, SEE ? 1632 01:17:55,567 --> 01:17:57,567 I JUST PISSED ON MYSELF. 1633 01:17:57,634 --> 01:18:00,167 IT WAS A GREAT SHOW ! 1634 01:18:00,234 --> 01:18:02,334 OH, IT WAS GREAT, I REALLY ENJOYED IT. 1635 01:18:02,400 --> 01:18:04,901 IT WAS WONDERFUL, DID A GREAT SHOW. 1636 01:18:05,934 --> 01:18:07,300 ♪ NEWNESS HERE'S THE ANTHEM ♪ 1637 01:18:07,367 --> 01:18:08,667 ♪ PUT YOUR HAND UP THAT YOU SHOOT WITH ♪ 1638 01:18:08,734 --> 01:18:10,067 ♪ COUNT YOUR LOOT WITH ♪ 1639 01:18:10,133 --> 01:18:11,634 ♪ PUSH THE POOL STICK IN YOUR NEW CRIB ♪ 1640 01:18:11,701 --> 01:18:13,234 ♪ SAME HAND THAT YOU HOOP WITH ♪ 1641 01:18:13,300 --> 01:18:15,067 ♪ SWING AROUND LIKE YOU STUPID ♪ 1642 01:18:15,133 --> 01:18:17,334 ♪ KING OF THE TOWN YEAH I BEEN THAT ♪ 1643 01:18:17,400 --> 01:18:18,734 ♪ YOU KNOW I CLICK-CLACK ♪ 1644 01:18:18,801 --> 01:18:20,133 ♪ WHERE YOU AND YOUR MEN'S AT ? ♪ 1645 01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:22,234 ♪ DO THE SMURF, DO THE WOP BASEBALL BAT ♪ 1646 01:18:22,300 --> 01:18:25,200 ♪ ROOFTOP LIKE WE'RE BRINGING '88 BACK ♪ 1647 01:18:25,267 --> 01:18:26,767 ♪ THEY'RE SHOOTING ♪ 1648 01:18:26,834 --> 01:18:28,467 Captions Copyright 2004 HOME BOX OFFICE 1649 01:18:28,534 --> 01:18:29,534 Captioned by Soundwriters™ 117422