All language subtitles for Anjelah Johnson The Homecoming Show (2013) [720p] [WEBRip] [YTS.MX]

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>> ANNOUNCER: Ladies and

gentlemen, please welcome your
hometown girl, Anjelah Johnson.

(applause)
(applause continues)

>> JOHNSON: San Jose, what's up?

(applause)
Whoo!

Look at us.

We're really doing it.

We're really doing it.

San Jose, that's right.

My hometown.

(applause)
Mm-hmm. That's right.

We got more than the Sharks.

(laughter)
We got a little Mexican girl.

Mm-hmm.

Let's see, what alumni do we
have here tonight?

Lincoln High?

Any Lincoln High?

Whoo-whoo!

Yeah, I went there.

How about, uh, Gunderson High?

Any Gunderson High?

All right, I went there, too.

(laughter)
How about, uh, Liberty

Independent Studies?

(laughter)
Liber... no?

Just me?

And my mom?

All right, that's cool.

My dad's here tonight.

Give it up for my dad.

He's in the house.

(applause)
Whoo-whoo!

My daddy-o.

My dad's so cool.

I'm gonna tell you a little bit
about my dad.

My dad is like Mr. Cool Guy,
like life of the party, you know

what I mean?

Like, super athletic, like,
really into sports.

Like, my dad's the kind of guy
who watches a boxing match on TV

as if he is in the boxing match
on TV.

You know what I mean?

Like, he'll watch it like this.

(blowing)
Say, "Whoa, Dad, are you

winning?"
(laughter)

He got us involved in sports
when we were younger, but not

like the legit way.

(laughter)
Only if it was free to sign up

and you got a free T-shirt to
play.

'Cause if you had to pay for a
uniform, forget it.

You can't be on that team.

For instance, I ran track and
field growing up, but I wasn't

on a track team.

(laughter)
My dad would just take me to the

track meets on Saturday morning
and sign me up.

I was the only one with my
number on binder paper.

(laughter)
It would look like this.

Lane one, Lincoln High School,
blue and gold.

Lane two, Gunderson High School,
brown and gold.

Lane three, Anjelah...

in some jeans, a T-shirt and a
pair of flip-flops.

(laughter)
I didn't know what I was doing.

I wasn't trained properly.

Everybody else is lined up in
their professional, like, "I'm a

runner; this is how you start"
position, except for me 'cause I

was up there like this.

(laughter)
Everybody on the side is telling

me, like, "Get down.

Get down in the position."

I'm like, "Why?

Why am I gonna get down?

I got to get back up to start
running."

I wasn't trained properly.

(laughter)
Sure enough, the race starts,

the gun goes off.

Everybody takes off running
except for me. I'm hiding.

I thought it was a drive-by.

I don't know what's happening.

(laughter)
I was really into wrestling

growing up.

W.W.F. Right?

(applause)
Before it was W.W.E.

You know, I mean like some old-
school wrestling.

Like some Hacksaw Jim Duggan,
Ultimate Warrior, Rowdy Roddy

Piper, Million Dollar Man,
Tugboat, Earthquake, Demolition,

Bushwacker.

(cheering)
I was seven years old, into

wrestling, right?

You know when a kid does
something good in school, you

give them, like, a toy or a
prize or something, right?

Well, I'm seven.

I got good grades one time.

(laughter)
And my dad surprised me with

tickets to go see W.W.F. at the
arena.

It was the best day in all the
seven years I had lived up to

that point.

It was so cool.

Me and my sister and my dad went
to the arena.

My mom painted our faces like
Legion of Doom.

We walked into that arena like
we were Legion of Doom.

Like they're gonna tag team us
in accidentally.

(laughter)
You know, the wrestlers come

out, right, and they run to the
ring, and everybody's trying to

get a high five from the
wrestler.

Well, I'm the littlest one
trying to get a high five,

talking about, "Hacksaw Jim
Duggan! Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

Right here, right here!

Right here!"
(laughter)

But he didn't see me.

Then a wrestler came out that I
didn't like, so I yelled at him.

I said, "You suck!"
Which is fine but not when

you're seven.

You can't say "suck."

That's a cussword, right?

Like-like, that's like when
you're a kid, there are some

songs on the radio that you're
not allowed to sing that song,

right?

Like, when I was young, I used
to sing this song.

♪ Oh, me so hungry.

Oh, oh, me so hungry. ♪
(applause)

♪ Me hungry long time. ♪
(laughter)

There's just some things you
can't say when you're seven.

Now, my little brother, he's
starting to get into that, like,

M.M.A. fighting, right?

But, see, I'm not a big fan of
that.

Well, I'm not a fan of my
brother doing that, right?

And he's like Mr. Macho Guy.

Like, muscles, tattoos
everywhere.

Like, all he does is train to
fight, work out at the gym, and

take pictures of himself for
Facebook.

(laughter)
Right, like Mr. Macho Guy.

But, really, if you knew my
brother, he's the most sensitive

guy you will ever meet.

He is.

Like, he's the first to cry at
an Allstate commercial.

(laughter)
He cannot take constructive

criticism.

And he still sleeps with
a teddy bear.

Yeah, and not even like a little
one that you can hide somewhere.

Like, a full-on "I won this at
the county fair and now I'm

gonna sleep with it."

And he's had it for years, since
he was a kid, right?

So it's filthy.

You know what I mean?

Like, it's disgusting, and one
day my mom washed it.

She put it in the washing
machine, and my brother came

home, and he's like, "Mom,
where's my bear?"

(laughter)
"Where is my bear?"

"I washed it."

(laughter)
"You what?

In the machine?

Well, does he still have his
nose?"

"Uh, no, I think your bear
tapped out.

Sorry.

You're an adult.

Stop sleeping with bears.

And move out."

I got a lot of good childhood
memories growing up, but now

I'm moving on to that next phase
in my life.

I just got married recently.

(applause)
Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I know, I didn't mean to blind
y'all. Sorry.

(laughter)
I know it's real sparkly.

(laughter)
Huh.

Don't be fooled by the rocks
that I got.

(laughter)
I'm still Angie from the block.

(applause)
Kick it.

When I first started telling
people that I got married, like,

a lot of people were surprised.

They were like, "What?

Oh, my God. I didn't even...

I thought you were a lesbian."

(laughter)
Surprise!

Ponytail's 'cause I'm lazy,
not a lesbian.

(laughter)
But thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

One time this girl tried to hit
on me, right?

And it started becoming like a
regular thing, so I asked her.

I was like, "Uh, let me ask you
a question.

What is it about me that makes
you think that I'm a lesbian?"

And her honest-to-God answer
was, "Well, in your YouTube

video, you say that you like
your nails short, you don't have

a boyfriend, and I noticed that
you always wear your hair in a

ponytail."

(cheering)
So I guess that's all it takes

to make the team.

(laughter)
Just that and drive a Subaru.

(laughter)
You want to be on our team, you

got to roll in an Outback.

Or a Vespa.

Or as I like to call them,
"Les-pas."

(laughter)
Everything about my wedding day

was perfect, except for the fact
that I got sick.

(crowd groans)
I know.

It was my own fault, too,
'cause, uh, what had happened

was...

(laughter)
uh, I took too many supplements

that day, and by supplements,
I mean I took this multi-pack

vitamin.

It's like six different
vitamins.

I was on antibiotics from the
week before 'cause I was

fighting something.

Then I got congested, so I took
a decongestant pill, but then I

got a headache, so I took, like,
three Advil.

(laughter)
And, like, you can't put that

much poison in your body and
your body not try to get rid of

it, right?

But, see, I wasn't thinking
about that on my wedding day.

I was just all excited.

I started feeling a little sick
so I took the whole aisle three

at the pharmacy.

And we decided to take pictures
before the actual ceremony.

So I'm there, like, posing for
my pictures, and then all of a

sudden, it just hit me like...

(exhales)
(laughter)

(heavy breathing)
"Uh, I think I have to use the

restroom."

(laughter)
"No, wait a minute, never mind.

False alarm."

But you know how it comes and
goes?

Like, your body will give you
that natural first warning,

and it's up to you if you want
to be obedient or not.

(laughter)
Like, you supposed to get the

warning, and be like, "Ooh,
better start making my way

over."

(audience laughing)
Like, that's what it's for.

But, see, I tried to man up,
right?

I was like, no, no, no, I got
this, go, go.

Take the picture, take the
picture.

So I'm posing for my picture
again, and then...

I don't know if anybody here
ever seen that movie

Bridesmaids?

(audience laughs, applauds)
You know that part where she go

boo-boo in her dress?

(audience laughs)
Well, I'm standing there posing

for my picture, and all of a
sudden it hit me again.

I was like, "Ooh, that's not a
warning!"

(audience laughing)
And I had to recollect all my

track and field training.

(laughing)
I had to run back to my hotel

room.

My photographer had to help me
jump out of my dress real fast.

Like, that's not in their job
description.

(audience laughs)
By the time I walked down the

aisle, everybody just thought I
was nervous 'cause my face is

pale.

I'm walking down the aisle like
this...

(audience laughing)
"Do you take this man to be your

husband?"
(exhales)

(audience laughs)
"Yes, I do."

"Do you, really?"
"What?

Yes, I do.

He does, we all do, we all do."

(audience laughs)
"You don't need me for the rest

of this, do you?

I'll be in the back."

Oh, no, it was a beautiful day.

You know, we had a great time.

Friends, family, it was a lot of
fun.

Just take a couple Imodium and
you're all good.

But if you take Imodium, be
careful.

'Cause you're good for, like,
three days.

(audience laughs)
You'll be like, okay, I'm ready.

Oh, that's too real?

(audience laughs)
My bad.

I thought we were a family.

(audience laughs)
We went on our honeymoon in St.

Lucia.

And, uh, I had never even heard
of St. Lucia before I booked the

trip; it just sounded real
fancy.

I was like, "Ooh, St. Lucia.

Book it."

(audience laughs)
Like, I thought it was gonna be

these luxurious white sandy
beaches and, like, beautiful

clear water.

And we landed and it was
actually kind of a little

Third World-y.

(audience laughs)
Felt more like a missions trip.

(audience laughs)
Thought we were gonna build a

well before we left.

(audience laughs, applauds)
But it was nice.

And people ask me, like,
"Who's your husband?

Who is this guy?

Tell us about him," right?

Well, it's actually kind of
funny, 'cause I used to do a

joke-- on my first DVD-- where I
talked about Christian rap

music and Christian rappers.

How, like, it's so cheesy.

Like, what you gonna do, bust a
cap in the Devil?

Like, what?

(audience laughs)
Right, like, what's your name?

Ludachrist?

(audience laughs)
Comin' to the stage, Jay-Zesus.

What's...?

(audience laughs)
Right, like, so cheesy.

So of course, the person who I'd
end up marrying is a Christian

rapper.

(audience laughs, applauds)
(Johnson chuckles nervously)

Yeah, joke's on me.

Oh, you're funny, Jesus.

When we first started dating, I
was kind of embarrassed to tell

my friends and my family,
'cause, like, I knew I had the

joke.

I knew they knew I had the joke.

So I was trying to avoid it.

Then my cousin Joe, he's like,
"Who is this guy?

What does he do?"
I was like, "Oh, um...

He's in a band."

(audience laughs)
"Cool.

What does he play?"
"Uh... play, play, play, play,

play...

Um, I don't really know if he's
athletic or not, I..."

(audience laughs)
"No, instrument."

"Oh, instru...

Pfft, you said 'play,' that can
mean like 20 things."

(audience laughs)
"Um, he plays the lyricist."

(audience laughing)
"Yeah, it's new.

You probably never heard of that
one."

People say my husband looks like
Lenny Kravitz.

(women whooping, cheering)
Yeah. I'll take it.

Right?

Well, white people will say he
looks like Lenny Kravitz.

(audience laughs)
Black people say he looks like

Maxwell, so...

(audience laughs loudly)
(cheers)

It just depends on what
neighborhood you're from.

Any black guy with an Afro-- he
look like him probably.

But funny thing is, he's not
even black.

He's Puerto Rican.

(cheering)
Oh.

There some Puerto Ricans in San
Jose?

(audience cheering)
Shoot, since when?

(audience laughs)
Thank you for coming.

(laughs)
That was a long trek.

(audience laughs)
People who are not Latino

sometimes think that all Latinos
are the same, right?

But we're very different.

And, uh, you don't realize how
different Mexicans are from

Puerto Ricans until you sign up
to marry one.

Very different.

Very...

Even the little things, right?

Like, I'm Mexican.

I like spicy food.

Okay?

I eat salsa with everything.

(audience whoops)
Know what I'm saying?

Like, if you don't got salsa for
your food, probably don't even

eat it.

(audience laughs)
You know what I'm saying?

Just get a smoothie.

(audience laughs)
Seriously.

Like, you go to your friend's
house for dinner.

You're like, "Oh, you ain't got
no salsa?

I'll be back, I'm gonna go to
Jamba Juice real quick."

And my husband, he's Puerto
Rican.

He can't do spicy food.

Like, if you sprinkle a little
bit of pepper in his food, he's

gonna flip out.

"Babe, is this spicy?

You put spice in this?

You put your Mexican stuff in
this?"

(audience laughs, applauds)
I'm like, "It's pepper.

You can't handle pepper?"
(audience laughs)

(woman whoops)
My family calls me mija.

His family calls me mamí.

(audience laughs)
(cheering)

Little differences.

The Spanish is so different.

The way Mexicans speak Spanish,
the way Puerto Ricans speak

Spanish is very different.

Right?

And like, I live in L.A. now.

So that's like northern Mexico.

(audience laughing)
So that's the only kind of

Spanish that I hear, right?

And then Puerto Ricans, y'all
are from Florida, I think...

(audience laughing)
So when I first flew to Florida

to meet his mom, she started
speaking to me in Spanish.

And I was like, "Oh, sorry.

I don't speak Puerto Rican."

(audience laughs)
"Yeah.

I don't know what that means."

Like, it just sounds different.

Like, to me, when I hear a
Puerto Rican speak Spanish, it

sounds like they have water in
their mouth.

And they don't want it to spill.

(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?

Like...

(gurgling): "¿Hola, como
estás...?"

(audience laughing)
(applauding)

(cheering)
(speaking garbled Spanish)

(audience laughs)
It just sounds different.

I mean, I'm not really one to be
talking, 'cause I don't even

speak Spanish, so...

(audience laughs)
My last name is Johnson; what do

you want me to do?

(audience laughs)
And my husband and I decided we

don't want any kids, right?

We're like, no, no kids.

I know, it's very un-Mexican of
me.

And I take it over the top, too.

Like, if I see a pregnant girl
walking towards me, I'm like,

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no."

(audience laughs)
Like I don't want her pregnant

vibes to jump on me.

If one sneaks past me and I
missed her, I catch her at the

last second, I'll hold my
breath like...

(gasps)
Whew!

Close one.

No, thank you.

We got enough nieces, nephews,
cousins, godkids...

I got a lot of godkids.

I don't know if it's a Mexican
thing to double up on your

godkids?

But I got a lot.

I got goddogs...

(audience whoops, laughs)
I got two goddogs.

One's a Maltese-poodle, one's
Maltese-Shih Tzu.

I have, uh, two goddaughters.

They're half Italian,
half Filipino.

I have a godson.

He's half Puerto Rican,
half Filipino.

(audience whoops)
So basically, if you want to be

one of my godkids, you gotta be
either Maltese or Filipino.

(audience laughs, whoops)
Yeah.

That's how you make my team.

Where the Filipinos at?

Filipinos?

(audience cheers)
(Anjelah cheers)

Yeah, Filipino, oh...

(audience laughs)
Thank you for coming.

(audience laughs)
I think I gravitate towards

Filipinos 'cause we're very
similar.

Mexicans, Filipinos are very
similar.

You know what I mean?

Like, we have big families,
y'all have big families.

We live at the same house, y'all
live at the same house.

(audience laughs)
Very similar.

One of my good friends, she's
Filipino, right?

And, uh, one day her grandma was
driving, and she probably

shouldn't have been, but...

she was.

And, uh, you may think you know
where I'm going with the joke,

but you don't, so just wait for
it.

So her little Filipino grandma,
she's driving.

And all of a sudden, she hit a
dog.

(audience exclaims)
I know, it was really sad.

But her response to that was,
"Ai! Sorry, dog."

(audience laughing)
"Ai! Sorry, dog."

(audience laughing)
So at least she apologized.

And now I just use that in
everyday life.

Like, if I trip over something,
I'm like, "Ai. Sorry, dog."

(audience laughs, applauds)
"Ai! Ai-yah, ai!"

(audience laughs)
I feel like all my Filipino

friends are real jumpy.

Like, they get scared real
easily.

Like my friend Penny, she's
Filipino.

She gets scared of everything.

You don't have to do anything
scary, just walk around the

corner unannounced.

(speaking Filipino)
(laughing)

"You scare me, hah?

Ai! Ai-yah, ai."

(audience laughs)
Filipinos go through like ten

different scared facial
expressions.

"Ai! Ai-yah, ai.

Yah, ai-yah, ai, yah."

(applause, cheering)
One time I was at the mall

at, like, Orange Julius or
something, and there was a

little Filipino lady working
the register, right?

And she went to hand me my
receipt, but it drops, so she

goes, "Ai! Ah-ha-ah-ha-ah!"
"Just a receipt. I got it."

Yeah, so we don't want no kids.

And my husband and I, we're
still real new, right?

Like, we just got married
last summer.

We had just moved in together,
so we're still, like, figuring

each other out, right?

Like, our little things we do,
our little "rules" we have,

right?

Like, for instance, like my
toothbrush, right?

I like to be the only one that
uses my toothbrush!

This guy, I don't know how he
grew up.

Like, maybe they were on a
budget or something.

But, like, he come to me the
other day, he's like, "Hey,

babe, can I use your toothbrush
real quick?"

I said, "What?

Like, that's a option for you?

Like, you're thinking about it?

Sick!"
He's like, "What? It's just

like kissing.

We kiss. It the same thing."

"Hmm, I do not scrape off your
tartar with my tongue."

(applause, cheering)
I mean, I know I'm pretty

amazing, but I'm almost positive
I cannot prevent cavities.

My husband likes to leave his
shoes right in the middle

of a walkway.

Like, as soon as you open
the door-- boom-- shoes.

Like, you couldn't kick 'em off
to the side?

That was hard to do?

So all throughout the house I
just trip over shoes, like...

"Ai! Sorry, dog."

"Ai! Ai-yah, ai, yah."

And we're still real new, so,
like, I still try to look cute

when I sleep. (chuckles)
I'll probably grow out of that

one real quick.

But right now I still try to
look cute, right?

But it's kind of hard because I
sleep with Invisalign trays

in my mouth.

So sometimes when I wake up,
my lip will get stuck to the

plastic tray.

I wake up looking like
Fire Marshal Bill.

Like, full on, "Let me
show you shumthing!"

My face will be all greasy.

That's not cute.

So when I feel myself starting
to wake up, like, I'll fix my

lip real quick.

I put my grease on my lip
like it's gloss.

Make it work.

Make it work.

And we're pretty good with
decision making, right?

Like, he'll come to me
with stuff.

I'll come to him with stuff.

Like teamwork, you know?

But every now and then he'll try
to go off and do his own thing.

Like recently we just bought
some curtains for the house.

And I told him, I said, "When
you're at the store, take a

picture of 'em and send it to me
before you buy it, right?"

But he forgot that part.

So I came home to these gaudy
Armenian curtains hanging in my

house that are, like, two feet
too short.

I got high-water curtains.

Like, first thing, my brother
came over to the house, he's

like, "Uh, why you got Capri
pant curtains?"

My husband and I travel a lot
for work.

He travels with music, I travel
with jokes.

And sometimes we'll go to, like,
some small town, like, nobody

has ever heard of this town.

Like, these people haven't
even heard of their own town.

When you fly into a small town,
you have to fly on a

small plane.

And I went to a town recently
where the plane I was on,

I don't even think it had
an engine.

I'm pretty sure it was
a paper plane.

Like, it just had two propellers
out front.

Like, as you step onto the
plane, you had to take turns

spinning the propeller.

Like it's The Price Is Right.

I checked my seat assignment.

It said, "Shotgun."

They had one flight attendant.

She was wearing regular clothes
and a name tag.

Like real suspicious.

And I fly a lot, so I'm used
to the way things work on

an airplane, right?

I'm used to the announcements
they make, like, "Flight

attendants, prepare for
landing."

I'm used to hearing that kind of
stuff, right?

But on this plane, we got a
different announcement.

It sounded more like,
"Stephanie, we're coming in."

"Stephanie?

What's this,
a family-owned plane?"

"Stephanie, if you have any more
of that potato salad you made

for the church picnic
last week...

you can bring it on up
to the cockpit. Thank you."

"Potato salad?"
"I don't feel safe."

The thing that sucks about
flying on a small plane is

there's always gonna be
turbulence, no matter what.

Like, if a bird is flying next
to you and he sneeze...

you gonna dip.

We landed at the smallest
airport I've ever seen.

They only had two doors:
enter and a exit.

So you're not gonna get lost
at this airport.

You're not gonna be like,
"Oh, no, what terminal am I in?!

Oh, the only one."

But every now and then they send
us to some real cool places.

Like recently they sent me
to Honolulu, Hawaii.

(audience cheers)
Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said.

I was, like, "Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, I'll go.

I'll go tell some jokes.

Right here. Right here.

Right here!"
Actually, I have a lot of family

in Hawaii.

But I'm Mexican, so I have
family everywhere.

Except for Arizona.

(cheering, applause)
One of my cousins in Hawaii,

he tried to teach me how
to surf, right?

But, see, surfing and I do not
go hand in hand, because when

I get in the ocean, I only go up
to about right here.

So if we could catch a wave
in this level, let's do this.

Right? 'Cause this is how
I'm thinking.

Like, God forbid I need to be
rescued for some reason.

I want it to be as simple
as one, two... gotcha.

Right? Like, that's as deep
as I go right here.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I'll dunk, like, real
quick, like, whoo!

(makes whooshing sound)
I didn't even know there was

multiple kinds of surfing.

My cousin, he does kite surfing,
regular surfing, all kind

of surfing.

I have come to realize there are
two kind of people in Hawaii:

the kind that surf and
Japanese people.

I don't know if you ever been,
but I got off the plane

a little confused.

I sure did. I was like...

"Uh, Mr. Pilot, I think we'd
better round everybody up.

Went a little too far."

And these are the kind of
Japanese people with money,

right?

Like, they wear all the name
designer brands all at the

same time.

I saw this one girl wearing
some Gucci sandals, a Prada

shirt, a Louis Vuitton bag, and,
like, a Ed Hardy blinged-out

hat.

All the name designers...

don't none of 'em match.

Really? How this girl get
dressed in the morning?

She must have walked in her
closet, closed her eyes,

and was like,
"What to 'rare' today?"

(cheering, applause)
Ta-da!

Or it's probably like, "Ta-ra!"
After Hawaii, we went to an

island called Guam.

(light cheering)
Yeah, all right,

Chamorro in the building. Hey!

I see you.

>> See you!

>> JOHNSON: Yeah, I love that
island.

It was beautiful.

I had a great time
on that island.

My only complaint is, I got
bit by a fish.

Didn't even know that
was possible.

'Cause, see, I was in the
ocean, right?

Right here. And my sister was
like, "Hey, look at

that little fish."

I took one step towards it...

"Where?"
Dish! It latched onto my foot

and I was like... (gasps)
"I just got bit by a fish.

I just got bit by a fish."

And my sister's like, "Ha-ha,
no, you didn't."

At this point no words are even
coming out of my mouth now.

It's just sounds.

Like... (screams)
"Ay-ay-ay-ee!"

And she's just laughing, but
then the whole left side of

my face started swelling up.

Not really, but in my mind.

In my mind, bad things were
were happening.

When I'm not traveling around,
telling jokes, I do live in

Los Angeles doing some
acting stuff.

(cheering, applause)
Thank you.

If any of you have kids, you
might have seen the movie

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
The Squeakquel. Yes.

Uh, for those of you that have
not seen the movie,

I'm actually in that one.

That's why I brought it up.

I don't just give random
Chipmunk shout-outs.

I'm really popular with three-
year-olds.

They're kind of my demographic.

Wish they could buy tickets to
my shows.

I met the most adorable fan
recently.

She was four years old at the
mall with her mom, and, uh,

she was really brave.

She walked right up to me and
she goes, "I saw you in The

Chipmunks."

I said, "You did?"
And she goes, "Do you see me

sitting on my bed?"
Yeah, it was the cutest thing I

had ever heard.

But I didn't know how to respond
to that.

I was like, "Oh, shoot, what do
I do-- tell her the truth and

crush her dreams?"
So, I was looking to her mom

like, "What do I do-- tell her
the truth or tell her a lie?

What do I say?"
And her mom's like, "Well, did

you?"
Anybody here see the movie Our

Family Wedding?

(applause, whooping)
Yeah.

Uh, for those of you that did
not see the movie, I'm in that

one, too.

Yeah, okay, I'll tell you the
preview, okay?

And then you'll think about it,
you'll go, "Oh, yeah, I remember

seeing that preview.

I just didn't take it a step
further."

Our Family Wedding is basically
the story of the Mexican family

and the black family marry into
each other and all the crazy

things that happen when the two
cultures collide.

We had a really great cast.

We had America Ferrera-- I
play her sister.

Carlos Mencia played our dad.

Uh, we had Forest Whitaker,
Regina King, Lance Gross, Lupe

Ontiveros-- the woman that kills
Selena in the movie Selena.

Yeah, she played my grandma.

I didn't know how I felt about
it at first either.

I had to remind myself it's just
acting.

She didn't really do it.

Don't look her in the eye.

Don't turn your back.

She's actually a really nice
lady, but, uh, I had them move

my trailer away from hers just
in case.

We had a half Latino cast and a
half black cast, right?

We did what's called a press
junket.

They set up one day where all
these different TV shows come

and they interview you to
promote the movie that you're

in, right?

So they're like, "Okay, Latino
cast, you guys can do all the

Spanish interviews."

I was like, "Ah, okay,
that's cool.

Um, I don't speak Spanish.

My last name is Johnson-- might
as well put me in the black

interview."

"Oh, no, no, no, it's okay,
it's fine.

It's fine.

It's fine.

We'll just do it like this.

We'll have the interviewer ask
the question in Spanish to the

camera, then he'll ask it in
English to you and we'll just

cut that part out and put, like,
a Spanish voice over you."

That was their solution.

To do interviews all day like a
kung fu movie.

Every now and then, they would
give me something in Spanish to

say to the camera like, "Hola,
soy Anjelah Johnson..."

(speaking Spanish)
"...Our Family Wedding."

And, like, I would sound good,
right, like I knew what I was

talking about.

So, at one point, this interview
guy was like, "You can do the

interview in Spanish."

"Uh, no.

No, I can't. (laughs)
I mean, I can say that because

you just told me how to say it,
but I'm not gonna understand

you, so this will go nowhere."

"Let's just try."

Let's just try?

I've been trying since I was 12.

The first question he asked
me-- this is what it sounded

like to me.

(rolling tongue rapidly)
"Uh, Carlos Mencia..."

(rolling tongue rapidly)
"...Our Family Wedding."

And this is my response to him.

(laughs)
"Okay, let's do English, let's

do English."

"Yeah, boo, English, that's what
I said.

I'm only on level two of my
Rosetta Stone.

Despacio."

But I felt bad after, I was
like, "Okay, sir, fine.

Let's just find a happy medium,
all right?

How about I will do the
interview in broken English?

That way people think that I
speak Spanish.

Right? Let's, let's
just do that.

What-What's the next question?

What was it like working with
America Ferrera?

Okay, all right.

Here? Okay."

(clears throat)
"When I finding out..."

"...that I gonna working with...

America Ferrera,
I is so excited."

(loud applause, whooping)
"I is so excited porque I love

Ugly Betties.

I loving Betty la Fea y Ugly
Betty. All the Betties.

And when they calling me--
this a good story, you gonna

like this one.

Mira, I don't telling this
one to everybody usually, but I

like you.

Mira, mira, mira."

"Este..."

"When they calling me
and they say

you gonna work with America
Ferrera,

(clicks tongue) I say,
'Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

You are not kidding me?

Ay-ay-ay.'
I can't believing they

picking me."

I don't think they liked that
one very much.

Pretty sure it got cut out.

We, uh, filmed the movie in Los
Angeles, and then they flew us

out to New York for the world
premiere, and that was real

nice, real fancy pants.

They put us up in this, like,
swanky hotel suite and I roll

ghetto fabulous-- I brought my
brothers with me, my cousins,

you know what I'm saying?

I'm like, "Hey, they putting us
up, y'all.

But get your own flight."

They kept us out there for about
a week, and the day we're flying

back to L.A., a huge storm hit
New York.

And then we checked out of the
swanky hotel suite.

I'm at the airport, I have my
boarding pass in my hand.

They're like, "Sorry, you guys,
we're not gonna be able to take

off-- this storm is really bad.

As a matter of fact, every
single flight out of New York is

canceled.

You're gonna have to get a hotel
and stay the night."

And I was like, "Oh, uh, yeah, I
don't think that's gonna work."

'Cause I already checked out of
the swanky hotel suite.

And now I'm on my own budget.

And when I'm on my own budget, I
live life a little differently.

Yeah, I didn't go back to that
swanky hotel suite.

I went to La Quinta Inn in
Queens.

Keep it real, hold it down,
remember where you came from.

I have no shame.

I had my brother with me, and
not my muscle MMA brother, but

my other brother that does my
hair.

Now, he real cute.

But don't get it twisted, he'll
still fight.

He just fights a little
differently.

Like, my MMA brother, if he's
gonna fight you, you know you're

about to fight 'cause he's gonna
come at you straight on like,

yeah, we're about to do this.

Boom, boom, boom and, like, take
you down, right?

And then, like, my other brother
that does my hair, if he's gonna

fight you, he's gonna come at
you, like, out of nowhere.

Just like, "Pat!"
And he's gonna cock it all the

way back.

Just, out of nowhere,
like, "Pat!"

"Let's go."

And when I was in New York, I
met this guy that I'm pretty

sure hates women.

Or he's just mad at us right
now.

'Cause, like, he came up to me
out of the blue and was like,

"Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No offense, but I don't think
female comedians are funny."

I was like, "Oh, (laughs) pat!"
I was like, "Oh, um, okay.

That's cool.

You do you, homie."

And I think he got mad that I
didn't get mad, 'cause then he

went on to say, "Yeah, 'cause,
like, even when I'm playing

video games, I don't pick none
of the girl characters 'cause

they just not as good."

(audience groans)
I'm pretty sure we're not even

talking about stand-up comedy
any more.

And, like, I'm not a big
gamer, you know?

Like, I don't own any of the
consoles.

Like, I had the old original
Nintendo back in the day, right?

(whooping)
When all you needed was up,

down, left, right, A, B, start,
select.

You know what I'm saying, like,
I learned how to duck hunt.

And I would cheat, too.

Walk right up to the screen,
like, boom.

Boom, boom.

Boom-- well, who gonna stop me?

If that little dog would laugh
at me, I'd shoot him, too.

Boom.

I was running track on that
little mat thing that came with

it-- remember that little mat?

Doing hurdles.

That's where I got my training.

If something was broke, all you
had to do to fix it was blow on

it.

(blowing)
Boom, fix.

(clicks tongue)
Ladies, you ever wake up in the

morning and, uh, you do your
hair and your makeup, and then

you look in the mirror and
you're like, "Hmm.

That's not what I meant to do"?

You know what I mean?

Like, your hair came out wrong,
you did your makeup all weird

for some reason.

You're like, "Since when do I
wear pink eye shadow and glitter

at 10:00 a.m.?"
You try to fix it by putting

more and more makeup on your
face, so by the end, you just

look like a drag queen.

Or one of the girls that works
at MAC Makeup.

(laughter)
And you're running late to work,

so you can't take it all off and
start over.

You're like, "Oh, well, I guess
I'm going to work as Lady Gaga

today."

You're like, "Whatever, I was
born this way."

(laughter)
You get to work, you're like,

"Hey, guys, hi, how's it going?

I was just practicing..."

(laughter)
"...my nighttime look...

in the daytime.

So I could see it better."

I don't even know how I learned
how to do my own makeup because

my mom trained me to be a chola.

She did.

'Cause, ladies, you know how,
when you're first allowed to

wear makeup, your mom would give
you, like, your first lipstick

or your first blush?

My mom gave me a brown lip liner
and some ChapStick.

(applause)
And one can of Aqua Net.

That is a chola starter kit.

(laughter)
And this is how you know if

you're talking to a chola
or not.

Like, if you're not quite sure.

Like, she kind of has the
Sharpie eyebrows,

but you're in Los Gatos, so that
doesn't make no sense.

(applause)
Like, if you're talking to a

girl and she sounds like this,
like, (scoffs) "You don't even

know.

(scoffs) You don't even know."

Like, no matter what you're
talking about.

"Hey, is it cold outside?"
(scoffs) "You don't even know."

(laughter)
It's like the more uneducated

you sound, the more chola you
are.

That's why there's always some
chola on the radio, trying to

get you to go back to community
college.

(laughter)
"Yeah, what's up?

Are you like me and dropped out
of high school and got your

G.E.D.?"
(laughter, applause)

"Well, come to San Jose City
Community Junior Evergreen

College, where we have nighttime
classes and weekend classes if

you don't got no babysitter."

(laughter)
"All you got to do is call

1-800-123-456-78910."

Right, 'cause nobody educated
talks like that.

You don't go to your doctor, and
your doctor's like, "Yeah, I

think it's like a rash maybe.

(scoffs) But I don't even know."

(laughter)
"And you know how you had a

stomachache you thought was,
like, real bad cramps?

Girl, it is not what you think.

Pero it's a boy."

(laughter)
This next story I want to share

with you guys I like to refer to
as "dinner with a random thug in

South Central."

Yeah, um, for those of you who
are not familiar with South

Central, South Central's a place
that you drive through,

not drive to.

(laughter)
Maybe if it's the daytime and

you're wearing neutral colors,
then maybe,

but at 10:00 at night by
yourself with a banana clip in

your hair, probably not a good
idea.

My favorite taco spot is
right in the middle of South

Central, and one night I was
driving home, and I was like,

"You know what, I want a taco.

I know it's late and it's dark,
but I'm a grown adult, and I

want a taco."

So I start driving to this taco
spot, well aware that this could

be my last meal.

(laughter)
But these tacos are good.

And this isn't your normal, walk
up to the window, order your

food kind of place.

All of the windows are
bulletproof.

You have to push a button to
buzz the door open to get

inside.

You order your food through a
glass window.

They put it on a tray and push
it out to you.

It's like you're in prison, but
you don't know if you're the

guard or the prisoner.

(laughter)
So I'm walking up, right?

I see this one mean-looking thug
sitting out front.

Like, he look mean.

He had a scar from here to here.

He was wearing a wife beater,
some sweats and some house

shoes.

(laughter)
You know those corduroy house

shoes?

This fool had his house shoes
on in the outside the house.

(laughter)
So I'm walking up, right?

I see this guy.

He looks at me.

Then he looks at my car
and then back to me

and then back to my car.

I'm like, "Oh, no, he's gonna
rob me.

Jesus, I just wanted a taco."

So I get all scared, right?

I'm like, "Oh, shoot, what do I
do? What do I do?

I can't just stop, run back to
my car, and leave.

That's racist."

(laughter)
So I'm like, "Shoot, just act

tough, right? Just act tough."

So I put my shoulders back.

I'm like, "Yeah, what's up,
homie?"

(laughter)
Put a little stank face on it.

He goes, "Hey, hey.

What's up, blue shirt?"
(laughter)

"Hey, you think you could hook
it up with a chicken taco right

quick?"
"Oh, he just wants a taco.

Thank you, Jesus."

(laughter)
So I'm like, "Yeah, dude.

I'll get you a taco.

That's no problem.

That is no problem."

So I push the button, buzz the
door open to get inside.

This dude comes walking in right
behind me, like, breathing down

my neck.

I said, "Oh, he tricked me.

Oh, he tricked me!

He said he just wants a taco.

He gonna rob us.

(crying): That's my bad.

That's my bad."

He's like, "Hey, can you tell
'em to put some sour cream on

it?"
(laughter)

I said, "Ooh, he just getting
picky, that's all.

My bad." (nervous laughing)
So this guy goes and finds

himself a nice little table at
the restaurant.

I walk up to the window and I'm
like, "Okay, look.

I don't know this fool,
but he asked me to get him a

taco, so I'm gonna get him a
taco 'cause I'm scared."

(laughter)
"But if I give you the sign..."

(laughter)
"...that means call the cops."

(laughter)
"Uh, let me get a chicken taco

with sour cream,
and I will have

a chicken taco with sour cream.

That's funny.

We're ordering the same thing.

Hey, it's funny.

We're ordering the same thing.

Me and you, we like the same
thing?

We didn't even know it.

Besties, besties,
me and you."

At this point, I forget that I
don't even know this guy, but

it's like we're homies now.

I'm like, "Yeah, I'm gonna get a
horchata.

Hey, you want something to
drink, homie?

You want something to drink?

You trying to get that orange
Fanta?

You trying to get that orange
Fanta?

Yeah, that's the homie.

He gonna get the orange Fanta."

So I get our food.

I go and I sit down with the
guy.

I don't know how it happened,
but all the sudden, we are on

our first date.

(laughter)
I'm serious, you guys.

He is asking all the right
questions.

Asked me about my dreams and
goals in life.

He's giving me advice.

I'm telling him about Jesus.

By the end of the conversation,
we're both crying.

I'm like, "No, you are so right,
Glock Nine."

(laughter)
"I have to admit, when I first

pulled up and I saw you, I
thought you were gonna rob me.

I know, I was being totally
judgmental.

I apologize."

And he was really cool about it,
too, thank God.

He's like, "Girl, please, I was
hungry; you gave me something to

eat.

I was thirsty.

You gave me something to drink,
and now you're gonna give me

that purse right there."

(laughter)
"What?"

Boom, this fool grabs my purse
and run out the door.

I was like, "Oh, hell, no!

Hell, no."

(laughter)
"Uh-uh."

(applause)
Everybody thought I was having a

seizure.

(laughter)
But there is a lesson to be

learned in every situation.

Never fall in love on the first
date.

Especially if he wearing house
shoes in the outside the house.

(laughter)
San Jose, thank you so much.

(applause)
God bless you guys.

I love you.

We'll see you soon.

(applause continues)