All language subtitles for absolutely.fabulous.s06e03.dvdrip.xvid-ingot

* Wheel's on fire

* Rolling down the road

* Best notify my next of kin

* This wheel shall explode *

Hello?

Hello, hello! Are you open?

I've got an appointment!

Get... Oh!

Stella!

- Oh, God!
- Any luck?

I think she just must have really weird
opening times or something, in her shop.

Oh, yes, that'll be it.

Oh!

I mean, you know those designers would
kill to have me wearing their clothes.

I mean, I have put on
a couple of pounds

but there's fatter women than me
out there wearing Stella!

Of course there are.

Stop it! Stop it.

There must be someone
still thinks I'm happening.

There is that one
that's always on the phone.

- What?
- Begging, begging.

"Oh, please! Please!"

Who? Why don't you ever
tell me these things?

You know, little drunken pirate.

"All ugly people go to hell!
Go to hell and die!"

- John Galliano?
- Yes.

Darling, that would be fashion death.

I don't think even Schindler
could rescue me from that faux pas.

No, darling,
go and make more phone calls.

Make more phone calls.
Call Stella's people again.

Oh, God.

Laundry in basement.

There are some old pants under my bed
that need moving.

Mum?

Oh!

I thought you were still in Africa.

- I just got back.
- Oh, sweetheart!

Oh, look at you. Ooh!

Oh, you and... Darling, sweetheart...

Oh, darling...

It's just you.
Where's my little granddaughter Lola?

Where is she, darling? Where is she?

Mum, Jane is seven now,
she's not going to be inside a biscuit.

- Well, darling, where is she?
- She lives in Africa.

Lives in Africa!

How am I supposed to see her, darling,
take out a court order?

Well, you could just get on a plane.
I'm not stopping you.

I think you are.

So, I'm just stuck with you, am I now?

- For six months of the year, yes.
- Oh, God!

After all the time I've kept you alive,
darling, with food, with money,

- this is the thanks I get, is it?
- Yes.

All right.

- Mum, this place is a mess.
- Yeah... Ugh!

Yeah, but it's all biodegrading,
darling, isn't it?

It's eco, sweetheart.
You have to let it go down to nothing

and then you can use it
as shampoo or something.

I read that in a book.

Well, it's disgusting.
Have you been eating in?

No, darling, there wasn't any food in

and yet somehow,
today man comes with food.

I did a Waitrose order
before I left Nigeria.

Oh.

It's good being global, innit, darling?

- Has its uses, global.
- Is this all your filth?

No, Patsy's living...

- Oh.
- Yeah, "Oh."

Oh, I'm sorry I've got a friend.

I'm sorry I'm not a little hermit crab
living in a small shell under the sea!

I'm sorry!

Ha! Ha!

I mean, what's all this
Mother Africa? Hmm?

What's all that, hey?

- Well, Jane and John and...
- Lola, mmm.

- And the other wives...
- Sss?

"Wives", is it?

- Gave me a big send-off.
- I bet they did.

- And this is traditional costume.
- Oh, right.

So John the old Mufasa and his 10 wives
gave you a bit of an hakuna matata,

did they? Going, "Goodbye! Goodbye!"

- He only has nine wives, Mum.
- Oh!

What did he do? Melt one down for glue,
trade it in for a goat?

- You are so ignorant.
- Yeah, and proud of it.

Anyway, darling, they've succeeded
where I've failed all these years,

haven't they?
Look at you. Colour! Colour!

Where are you going?
Where are you going?

- I'm going to change.
- No! No, darling. No, darling.

Darling, stay here.
I want to take a picture.

A picture of you in colour.

I love it, I love it, I love it.
Hang on, hang on, I'll get my camera.

Eddy? Ed? Ed, darling?

Did you get my TENA Lady pants, darling?

Because it's just that I find I'm, um,

you know, I'm needing them
more and more nowadays, darling.

It's... I'm not completely secure
when I sneeze, you know what I mean?

Incontinence pants?

- Oh! I will kill you!
- No, don't kill her.

Don't kill her. Don't kill her
till I've taken a picture.

Here we go. Oh, in colour.

Yes, for my Facebook. Here we go.

Ha, ha!

- Anyway, what are you two doing here?
- We live here.

Yes, but I thought you were getting out
of London for the Olympics.

No, darling, I rented my house
to Michael Douglas.

- Michael Douglas, Eddy?
- Yeah.

- Don't you remember? Michael Douglas.
- Michael Douglas?

- Michael Douglas?
- Yes, Michael Douglas,

you little budgerigar. Michael Douglas.

What, the one
that looks like an old tortoise

who's married to Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Is he going to bring Catherine with him?

- She'd rather cramp his style.
- Yeah.

Your style, you mean.

No, no. Well, if Catherine comes,
she won't be in London long.

She'll be off to the Mumbles, won't she?

Anyway, darling, before he comes,

we're going to have
a full top-to-tail renovation.

We're gonna have the Grand Designs
of makeovers.

We're goanna be exfoliated, augmented,

liposuctioned, lasered
and lifted, darling.

I shall be wearing my buttocks
as a headrest

by the time that man arrives.

And I'm going to have... I'm going to
have just a little tightening procedure.

Won't he have come
to watch the Olympics?

Darling! He's a player
but a player of a very different kind.

Oh, no, he's going to be our ticket
to all the clubs in London,

isn't he, darling?
He is Hollywood royalty, sweetheart.

Well, you'd better hurry up
because it starts this week.

- What?
- The Olympics.

What...

What... What? No.

Darling, did you know
it started this week?

- What?
- The-the-the-the running, the Olympics.

- Where?
- Oh, my God! How can you have missed it?

Even coming from the airport,
it's everywhere.

Well, darling, it's been everywhere
for five bloody years, hasn't it?

Will we, won't we?

Will it be built, won't it be built?
Will we win? No, we won't.

Darling! Excuse me
if I missed it actually started.

It's been like tinnitus.

I am Spartacus.

- Oh, God, Eddy, a talking sperm.
- Oh, what's this?

- Wait, wait...
- He's on his way.

What? What? Who? What?

- Spartacus.
- Spartacus? What?

Michael Douglas!

He wasn't Spartacus.

- No. I am Spartacus!
- Oh, stop it.

- I am Spartacus! I am Spartacus!
- Stop it. Stop it!

He comes.

What, he's on his way from America?

No, from the airport.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

I was going to be thin. Oh, God!

Quick, get a Hoover, give me lipo,
get a nice slice off the fat.

And you can't be here, darling.
You can't be here, sweetheart.

Oh, yes, you can, if you serve.
Be staff.

Be staff. Serve, sweetheart.

And none of your lip, all right?

Come on, Pats, we've got to get ready.

Yes, darling. But Eddy, Eddy, I need
a little bit of a tidy-up, you know.

I've got a razor upstairs.

No, darling, I mean a real,
you know, sort of clipping.

- You know, I need scissors.
- All right, all right.

I'll get the scissors.

You're disgusting.

Oh, it all comes to us all,
you know, darling,

the swinging saloon doors.

What are you dressed as?

I represent a shattered Olympic dream.

Fabulous. Fabulous. Fabulous.

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
sweetheart, look.

Look, darling, I've got a few little
sexy bits and pieces.

- What do you think?
- Oh.

It's for Michael. For Michael.

But darling,
is he into that sort of thing?

No, I'd be wearing it.
I'd be wearing it.

- No, Eddy, no, no. No, darling, no.
- No? Oh.

I'll just leave them about the house,
you know, give him a thrill.

Oh, darling.

Bloody hell, that's strong, sweetheart.
Isn't it?

Can't tell if I'm making up
a pore or a nostril.

What's that? Oh, it's a nostril.

Eddy, Eddy, darling, darling, darling,
how do I look? How do I look?

- How do I look, Eddy?
- Oh. I like it.

I think I can see a panty line.

- Oh, but Eddy.
- What?

I'm not wearing any pants.

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

No, no, no.

It's just folds of old skin
in my buttocks.

- Let me see, darling. No, no.
- Oh, Eddy.

It'll be all right.
Darling, darling, darling!

- Yeah?
- Darling, wear my control body.

- Oh.
- Wear my control body.

My elasticated control body, all right?

Come on!
It's for Michael! It's for Michael.

We're going to be hitting the town,
darling, aren't we?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, darling, you know,
there's Spank DJs out there

I haven't even danced to yet.

Honey Dijon is killing it,
I haven't even lived it.

- And Narcissister, darling.
- Oh, what's that, darling?

Well, she's a kind of crazy
disco performance artist.

She pulls things out of her pussy
on a rotating platform

singing I'm Every Woman.
He'll love that, won't he?

He'll love that. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, there's so much stuff
that's happening and going

and fierce and major out there
and we're going to be there, sweetheart.

Oh, but, darling, those clubs
won't have us any more.

Well, they will if Michael's with us,
won't they, sweetheart?

Eddy, Eddy,
can't we just go to Shoreditch House,

sit on a little sofa,
get in a few drinks,

- smooch a little waiter.
- No, sweetheart.

- See who's there. It'll be lovely.
- No, no, no!

I will not let doors close on me yet,
darling. I won't! Come on!

- Oh!
- Come on, we're going to party.

- We're going to show him a good time.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Come on, let's get into these, okay?
- Yeah, that's right.

- Okay, pop your foot in.
- Okay.

- Over here?
- Pop your foot in. Pop your foot in.

Jump, jump. Jump! Jump!

- I don't want to jump.
- You will jump!

Well, look at you, dear.

Oh, hello, Gran.

- Do you like it?
- Oh, yes!

I once had a tablecloth like that.

Is that what all those others
are wearing

out there in the, uh, you know,
hmm-hmm-hmm?

- Harem?
- Oh, no.

- It's not really a harem, Gran.
- Oh.

I feel very special
when I'm with his other wives.

Good.

- Um, how is little Jane?
- Oh, she's very nice.

And she's quite grownup.
She's not so little any more.

- I've got a picture.
- Oh.

Oh, she's beautiful, dear.

Definitely yours?

Yes.

Anyway, we've decided that I'm going to
spend three months here,

then three months over there

because I've got such a lot of important
work with the various charities

and I don't want Lola...
Jane to have to keep changing schools.

Oh, no, no. It... It gets very hot
out there, doesn't it, dear?

- Oh, yes, it does.
- Mmm.

And the bathroom facilities...

Squat and hope
it doesn't hit your shoes?

Yes. It's a bit splattery.

Well, I understand
why you've come back, dear.

You and I like our comforts, don't we?

And Jane is very happy.

Are you going to
be watching the Olympics?

Oh, yes.
It's one of the reasons I came home.

I want to watch it on the telly here

because the coverage
will be so much better.

- Will you?
- Oh, yes.

I shall be waving a flag for the BLTs.

You mean, Team GB?

Oh, the gays and bisexuals, dear?

I thought they had their own games.

Come on, darling.
Come on, come on, come on.

- Step, step...
- Yes.

- Step, step...
- Just a second.

Go slowly, it's very sort of tight.

Well, it's tight, darling,
'cause you're looking fabulous.

Now stand, stand, stand, stand, stand.

Go on.

Come on. Come on, sweetheart.

- It'll be all right, darling.
- Come on, darling.

Bubble! Where's Bubble?

Darling, go and get Saffy to bring up
a tray of drinks for Michael Douglas.

And what does he drink?

Well, he's an alcoholic, isn't he?
I mean, so...

- Duh!
- Everything! Everything!

Come on, come here.
Come, come, come, come.

You'd better sit here, sweetheart.
Just... Just... Just...

- Visible panty line?
- No, darling, nothing. Nothing.

You're a tube. You're just a tube.

- Not very easy to...
- Go on. There you are, darling.

You sit down. Now...

Darling, which end sneezed then?

- Both ends, Eddy.
- Oh, God!

Now, just stay...

Oh, the door. Oh, my God!

Clear, clear, clear,
I'm getting the door.

- Michael...
- Hi, hi, hi, it's us.

Hello!

You stay back, Marshall,
I'm going to make sure it's safe.

- Hello!
- Oh, my God! Whoopi?

No, it's me.

- Queen Latifah?
- No.

- It's me!
- Oh, it's you. Of course it's you.

Then it's safe, Marshall, come in.

What are you doing here?
You can't be here.

We've got Michael Douglas coming.

Oh, no, no, he's not coming.
He gave Marshall his trip.

- What?
- I've been his caddy.

- Oh, Michael, Catherine...
- No, it's not them.

It's not them, darling.

What are you doing here?

Well, Marshall caught sex addiction
from Michael Douglas.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- So I've got him on a programme.
- Really?

- Oh, you have nothing to worry about.
- Oh, well, I don't care.

You definitely
have nothing to worry about.

Okay, thank you.

I don't have sex addiction, Bo.

Do you hear that trickling sound,
Marshall?

Yeah, that's a little river
we call "de Nile".

- Would you like a cup of tea?
- No! No! No!

Get out! Get out!

Oh, why does nothing work
for me any more?

I don't want you here. I don't want you,
I don't want you, I don't want you.

Why are you here
and why are you so old? Hmm?

Have I been in a coma
and just woken up?

Look at me!

I mean, honestly!

I'm not a cup of tea, I'm a party girl!

I've still got it,
I'm still going, I'm still alive!

Come on, Pats, we're still alive.

Stella, I'm still alive! Come on, Pats.

Because we are still party girls.

God, why isn't there a pill
to make people disappear?

Come on, come on. Pats! Pats!

- Pats! Pats!
- Mum, stop it.

- Well, she's not breathing.
- Breathe! Breathe, Pats. Come on.

Oh, my God. What is she wearing?

Well, it's just my control body,
darling. That's just my control...

- Well, it's suffocating her.
- No.

Crushing what organs she has left.

Darling, do something!

- Go and get me some scissors.
- Let me help.

Don't you get near that woman's crotch
or I'll twist your little head off.

- Come on.
- Mum, she hasn't got a pulse.

No, she doesn't have a pulse, darling.
But she's never had a pulse.

- Get out of the way, I'll do CPR.
- Oh, God.

- Oh, Michael, Catherine, how are you?
- No.

No, it's not them, darling.

Oh.

- So how are you both?
- We're fine.

We are not fine, Marshall. Now,
keep your hands where I can see them.

I had to get him out
of that depraved environment,

that crazy golf scene
with Michael Douglas.

I was his caddy.

Yes, anything for Michael.

Always looking for Michael's golf balls,
in the rough, at nightclubs.

"Oh, I'm just looking
for Michael's golf ball,

"that's why I have my hand
up this woman's vagina."

- That didn't happen.
- It happened. It happened, Marshall.

Oh, and the golf parties.

Naked women spread-eagle on the floor
for putting practice.

Oh, yeah, and you get an Indonesian one
and she pops the ball back to you.

Isn't that right?

Did you ever get a hole in one,
Marshall?

- He's a sex fiend.
- Bo, you're having a bad menopause.

Saffy, all I want
is a normal amount of sex.

Shall we talk about something else?

Oh, no, honey, when there's something
like this that's got its grip on you,

it's hard to let go.

Yeah, and when you dance
with a gorilla, the gorilla leads.

Oh. And you are the gorilla?

No, I'm not the gorilla.
Don't you people know about addiction?

- She's got me on the 12 Steps.
- Yeah.

And it's a staircase, not an escalator.
You gotta work at it.

You got some stinkin' thinkin', mister!

- Why don't we have a meeting?
- Oh, I've got to go upstairs.

- Will you be all right, Gran?
- Oh, yes, fine, dear.

I shall plug in to my iTunes.

She can stay in the meeting with us.

Okay, everybody, ready?
All right, let's convene.

Oh, who do we have here?
"Hello, I'm Susan."

Oh, hello, Susan, and welcome.

"And I'm an alcoholic."

Oh, no. Susan,
you're in the wrong meeting.

This is Sex Addiction.
Isn't that funny?

She wandered in. "I'm an alcoholic."

You're in the wrong... Go!

Funny. Isn't it funny? Oh...

- Another shattered dream?
- How dare you!

Still very much alive.

- You all right now?
- Yeah, darling, fine.

Just waiting for the little kidney
to get back into place.

It just feels like the world's
closing up on me, darling.

I mean, there's so much new stuff
happening out there and...

- I just can't keep up.
- Well, do you mind, Eddy?

- What?
- I mean, do you mind?

I mean,
I know what you're feeling, darling,

but really, I just don't even care.

Oh, I suppose
there is a certain numbness, yes.

You know, I'm quite glad
the old gecko didn't show.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Cheers, yeah.

You all right?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- Mum?
- Mmm?

- I want you to listen.
- Oh, God, here we go.

I don't understand
why you're so desperate.

Because, darling, it feels like
the whole world of doors

is just closing on me,
closing, closing, closing.

Well, of course it is,

but you're so blind to all the doors
that are opening up to you.

Oh, oh, oh, you mean
age-appropriate doors, darling?

Is that what you're talking about?

Well, let me tell you, where I want to
be doesn't seem to want me.

Oh, for God's sake, one of the biggest
events ever in the history of London

is taking place on your doorstep.

Why have you not taken an interest?

Cher is at the O2?

The Olympics!

- Oh, no!
- No, Eddy!

Not bloody sport, darling.

- Remember sport in school?
- Yeah.

Just great big blue pants and blotchy
legs and a very tight Air Tech shirt.

And huge teenage knockers just wobbling.

- Look, look, look.
- 200 metres...

Hurdles. Hurdles, hurdles, hurdles! Ow!

Are you blaming the games kit?

Yes, what's your excuse?

I was very good at games.
You just never came to my sports days.

Darling, that's not true.
I remember the little eggy-spoony race.

Yes, and you ate the egg.

- And she...
- Yeah, I...

I shagged the gym master
in the long jump pit.

Yeah, yeah.
You see, darling, we were there.

We were there!

What are you going to do?
Just sit in here and fester?

- Oh, piss off!
- Piss off.

Fine.

But let me tell you, next time it
might be a case of "do not revive"

on your sad, old corpse.

Okay, Mama.

Mama! Mama! You got something to share?

I'm watching an old
Homes Under the Hammer, dear.

Listen, Bo, I don't have sex addiction.

- You have menopause.
- No, I don't.

Why can't you see that having menopause
is a natural part of being a woman?

Oh, why can't you see that being stupid
is a natural part of being a man?

I still have hormones.

You know, my ovaries are popping
around in there like a pinball machine.

Oh! There goes an egg!

Bo, you're bitchy and sweaty
and sleepy and grumpy...

Oh, Marshall, what are those?
The menopause dwarves?

Okay! That's it!

I'm going out, I need some air.

Oh, look who thinks he's God.
Well, you know what?

If God were small enough to understand,
I wouldn't be big enough to be God.

- You're not God, Bo.
- No, but I'm bigger than you.

Don't go up those stairs.
Do not go up those stairs.

Do not go up...
Do not go up those stairs!

Will you stop running
with those little legs?

I'm going out, Bo. We have
all these Michael Douglas invites

and God damn it, I'm gonna use 'em!

Wait for me, my wild mustang.

Somebody get me my lasso!

What does that say?

Ooh! "Michael Douglas plus one."

- What's that for?
- Oh!

It's an invite, darling.
I can't tell what it's for.

Something gone wrong with their graphics
or the printing or something.

Mum, that's the Olympics logo.

Is it?

Oh! Oh.

Why don't you go? It's a door.

It's not a door.
Will you stop going on about the doors?

- All right. It's a party.
- It's a... Oh.

- And there's champagne.
- Champagne.

Pats...

Darling, it's for sparts, I told you.

Not those bloody elasticated pants!

No, darling. No, darling.

Sparts. Sport and arts,
it's for the Olympics.

Ah. Thank you.

- Hello. Can I introduce you to someone?
- If you must.

- Dame Kelly Holmes.
- Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

- Hello.
- Double-Olympic champion, of course.

- Dame, is it?
- Yes, that's right. Yes.

- What's that for, is it?
- Well, I do...

You do the running, was it?

Yeah, that's right. Yes.
I do lots of running.

Will you be doing the running
in this running race, the Olympics?

Oh, no, I've actually retired now.
So, yes...

I've lost Marshall.

I look away for two seconds
and he's gone.

The little Casanova.

Marshall?

Marshall!

Don't make a scene, Bo!

- Who is this?
- "Who is this? Who is this?"

This is his wife.

Well, we were only talking.

Bo, this is Tanni.

Tanni. Tanni. Satan be thy name!

Why don't you just take a dagger
and thrust it into my heart?

Tanni. Cute name for the Devil.

Tanni, can I help?

Yeah, I'm... going to mingle.
Don't let them follow me.

I've got your back.

So, Mark, you're an athlete.
What's your distance?

Do you do sort of long and slow
or short, powerful bursts?

I'm a sprinter.

- Oh.
- Darling, he's blind.

Yeah. Suits me, darling. That's lovely.

Ladies and gentlemen,

in a minute there will be some speeches
from the head of the Arts Council...

Oh, let's go, Eddy.
We don't want any speeches.

...and Miss Stella McCartney...
- Stella?

...who designed the uniforms and kit
for the British team.

Darling, Stella games kit.

Darling, if I'd had a Stella games kit,

I would have become a runner,
wouldn't I, darling?

If I could wear Stella. Stella! Mmm!

No, darling, I'm going to go over there.

I'm going to clear it up once and for
all. If she knew me, she would love me.

Well, darling, if you do go up to her,
remember you're a somebody.

Do it with dignity, Eds,
and don't take any nonsense from her.

I will. Oh, Stella.

Stella, Stella, Stella, Stella!

Oh, Stella, Stella, Stella.

Oh, God.

- Why don't you love me?
- I don't know you.

Yeah, but darling, I would look great
in your clothes, wouldn't I?

I'm not... I don't think so.

- Oh, Stella, Stella.
- Don't touch me.

Patsy knows your dad, sweetheart.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, I had him once in a small cupboard
backstage in Hamburg.

I think it was him.
It was one of the four.

- Might've been Yoko Ono.
- Yeah.

- And this is Mark. He likes us.
- This is Mark. He's blind.

Yeah, he's blind, yeah.
But darling, blind is the new black.

What?

- Please.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- What? What? What? What?
- Sorry about that, Stella.

She's been a nightmare.
She has been stalking me.

They've really upset you. Get up, Ed.

- Get up.
- It's the last time I ever...

I hate being like that,
being nice to people...

Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Darling, I don't think
we came in this way.

We came out of these doors.

It's empty.

Well, that's 'cause no one could
get tickets, isn't it, darling?

Wow!

- No, I actually want to stay.
- That's fine, thank you.

You're discouraging me
from taking up sports.

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

- This is nice, dear.
- Yes, Gran.

Marshall, we can watch
the opening ceremonies,

but if I see once body part twitch,
I'm tightening the straps.

Leave it, Bo.

Oh, God. Oh, God, what's happening?
What's happening? What's happening?

The opening ceremony
is just about to start.

- Oh!
- Oh, Eddy, look.

Oh, Eddy, Eddy, look! We were there!

Oh, that's where we were, the stripey
bit! We were there, darling, yeah.

Opening ceremony.
Right, let's take bets.

Elton John at the piano,
Candle in the Wind,

toup�e eight foot above his head.
What's the bet?

Hmm? Marching band.

Brian Blessed saying some Shakespeare!

Sad old London buses
and break dancers, yes. Come on.

Gran, what are these?

Oh, they're the tickets, dear.

But I don't really see why anyone
would want to actually be there

when they can watch it in comfort
on the good old Auntie Beeb.

Yes, and there's Clare Balding.

Is she, dear?

* Wheel's on fire

* Rolling down the road

* Best notify my next of kin

* This wheel shall explode *