All language subtitles for Chance.In.A.Million.S01E02.Honour.Thy.Father.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_Track3

# Here I go again

# I hear those trumpets blow again

# All aglow again

# Taking a chance on love

# Things are mending now

# I see a rainbow blending now

# We'll have a happy ending now

# Taking...

# Taking a chance on love! #

Ah!

Will you be long?

Oh, I'm afraid it could
take a while. Was it urgent?

Er, just promised to phone a friend.
Don't like to let her down.

I see. Well, it's a bit
tricky at the moment.

We're going for the record,
you see.

Ah!

I would offer to get out,

but it took us about an hour
to get in like this.

Quite understand.
No, probably go to town to do it.

But before you go...
Yes.

Could you just put this leg,
in the grey leg warmer? Yes.

Could you just tuck it
behind the white bobbly hat?

Yes, yes, of course. Of course.

Thank you so much.
Not at all. Not in the least.

Oh, you will be careful how
you close the door, won't you?

If it slams, it lands
right on Jocelyn's chest.

Ah, yes.
Got to avoid that at all costs.

WOMAN SOBS

Oh, pull yourself together,
Doreen.

Coming back home
in a brand-new fur coat

doesn't necessarily mean that
she's done anything that's...

Well, alright. Whatever she's done,
she's still our daughter.

Oh, I blame meself
for all this, you know.

Letting her come to live
in town like this.

Going out to dinner with
a man she's never met before

and we certainly haven't met.

Staying out till all hours.

Three thirty-seven by that nice
digital alarm clock radio

we give her for Christmas.

Coming home with a fur coat and,
and in a police car and...

And the shoes, Derek!
Oh, my gawd, yes, the shoes.

Alison? Alison?

Alison dear, we'd like to have
a little word with you, please.

Oh, hello. Ooh, what time is it?

Er, eight forty-eight.

Oh!

Oh, Daddy, you'll never believe
what happened to me last night.

The shoes, Derek!

Yes, I-I think perhaps you and I
ought to have a little chat, Alison.

Oh, can't it wait till later,
Daddy? I shall be late for work.

Ask her about the shoes!

Well, what's wrong with my shoes?
Custard.

Custard?

Yes, there's custard and trifle
all over your shoes.

Your mother noticed it.
And other places!

Yes, it's in your hair,
it's down your front,

it's everywhere.

We're not simple, you know,
Alison! We read the newspapers.

We know what goes on
at these big town parties.

Oh, Daddy, it wasn't
anything at all like that!

It was just a... Well, it was just
a series of coincidences really.

Tom says they happen to him
all the time.

Oh, so that's his name, is it? Tom?
Tom. Custard.

Well, he said he'd phone me
before I went to work this morning.

Oh, well, I'd better hurry.

I got back so late last night

I didn't even have time
to take my coat off.

Oh, my good God!

Alison!

Yes, it was really just another
one of Tom's coincidences.

Oh!

She's a tearaway, that one,
I've always said so.

She's wild, passionate, erotic.

She gets it all from you,
you know?

Alison.

Oh, hello, Tom.
Hello.

Brought your dress back.
Get on alright without it?

Yes, thank you.

Not too much trouble
from police, no?

No. No. Thank you.
Good. Good. Yes...

Sorry about the phone call.
Had some problems.

Missed you.
Oh, did you?

Yes, just by about five minutes.
Odd thing. Got a woman.

Told her my name,
burst into tears.

Oh, that'd be Mummy.

I've got my parents staying with me
at the moment.

Worried about last night, eh?

They're particularly
worried about the custard.

Custard?
Yes, my shoes were full of it.

'Hello, hello, hello.

This is Sidney Gothlethwaite

broadcasting on
a telepathic wavelength.

If there is a psychic master
in the vicinity who can hear me,

maybe he would reveal his presence
by scratching his right ear.

I say again,
by scratching his right...'

I feel somehow I ought to meet,
explain things, apologise.

But you've got nothing to apologise
for, Tom, it's their own fault.

They just won't seem to realise
that I'm a grown woman now,

with a woman's body
and a woman's feelings. Yes.

They seem to think that just
because I'm a librarian

I don't know what
the real world's all about.

Well, we see the seamy side
of life too, you know.

There's things that
go on in this library.

I mean it's not all helping children
find the "Milly-Molly-Mandy" shelf,

I can tell you.
Really?

There are certain sort of men
have very strange feelings

for lady librarians.

They leave little messages
in the pages of returned books.

I've found two already today.

'Hello, hello, hello.
Sidney Gothlethwaite here again.

Your disciple awaits,
oh, master of the psychic forces.

Please tell me what I must do.'

Extraordinary.
Wonder who wrote this? How old?

Which one's that?
"Please take off all your clothes

and meet me behind
the dinosaur shelves."

Oh, him. About seven.

You see my parents have absolutely
no idea that sort of thing goes on.

Well, I'm stunned too.

They're just terribly
old fashioned really.

But I don't like to feel
that they're upset in any way.

Like to make amends somehow.
Arrange a possible meeting?

SCOTS ACCENT: This a library then?
Excuse me, Tom.

Can I help you, madam?
Public library, is it?

That is correct, yes.
And they're all free, right?

Well, if you reside
within the borough area, yes.

Good. Then gi' us the one
for a '69 Capri, 1,600 GT.

I'm sorry, what's that?
Do you work here or what?

It's a book, you daft bam-pot!
Oh, a motor manual?

Aye, and none of that
side valve crap either.

We're talking
high-lipped cams here.

Ah, well this is
the children's section, madam.

You need Do-It-Yourself.
You do it yourself.

It's what you're bloody paid for!

And make sure it's
the bloody '69 version.

Er, excuse me, excuse me.

Er, no need for language
in front of lady.

You keep out of this, Jimmy,
if you want to get home tonight.

It's you, innit?

It is. It is, it's you, innit?

It is, it is, it's him!

I know you. I've got your
description engraved on my bowels.

Er, no. Er, no, no, never seem me
before in your life, I assure you.

This is the cheating shyster that
took advantage of our Kevin here.

Sold him a '69 Capri that should
be a bloody hen coop by now.

Madam, would you
keep your voice down?

I mean, look at him. Did you ever
see such a miserable specimen.

How is he ever gonna
pull a girl now

with a totally immobile
rust-pot on wheels?

Call yourself a car salesman.

You just wrecked this poor lad's
pathetic little life.

Not to worry, Alison,
it happens to me all the time.

Well, it won't happen again.

Not after his father
gets off the rig today.

I know you.

I know you, Mr Reg Hastings,
and I know your game.

No, no, er, not Reg Hastings,
er, wrong man.

Er, passport -
Chance, Tom Chance.

I told you it was a false name,
you clot-eared idiot!

Chance, is it?
Well, you just wait...

Madam, if you'd like to
come with me, I'll show you

the car maintenance section.
You'll be hearing from my husband.

We'll find your name
in the phone book, sunshine,

don't you worry!

Come on then.

That's got rid of her.

Oh, sorry about that, Alison.
Happens to me all the time.

Oh, don't worry about it.
Quite exciting really.

Yes. Er, care for a cup of coffee?
My treat. Be back in five minutes.

I shouldn't really but...
Alright then.

Give me two minutes.
I'll meet you at the main entrance.

Main entrance.

Well done.

Been thinking. Parents think me
perverted sex maniac?

Yes. Yes? Despicable ravisher,
betrayer of only daughter?

Oh, I think that sums it up
very nicely, yes.

How about four o'clock
this afternoon?

What for?
Tea, at my place.

Best behaviour.
Explain everything.

Oh, that'd be wonderful.

I'll give them a call.
I'm sure they'd love to come.

Put your weight behind it,
you great pansy!

You cannae even change
your own plugs!

It's them! Quick gi' us
the keys, it's them!

Look, I'm quite happy explaining
this thing reasonably, quietly.

But had a certain amount
of experience in these matters.

Probably better if we just...
Make a run for it? Yes.

Oh, quick, quick, we don't want to
lose them! Oh, good heaven's sake!

I'll get you!

Alison. Just, er, home. Humble.

This really is
very kind of you, Tom.

No, no, no. Not at all.
Er, straight through there.

Er, front room. Yes.

Sorry, had hoped to clear up
before parents arrived,

but, er... Um, yes.

What time they due?

Well, Mummy said she'd
be here about four. Yes.

But Daddy'll be a bit later.
Ah!

He's got an entry
in the semi-finals

at the County Crafts Exhibition

and they don't announce
the judging until three thirty.

Crafts? What line?

Oh, baby clothes mostly.

It's his hobby, you see,
knitting and crochet. Uh-huh.

He's entered this-this
little matinee jacket

that he's done in
pale soft pink botany.

It's quite nice.
Yes.

I don't think he'll win
anything though.

His moss stitch
can be a bit irregular.

Ah, yes.

Oh, I see you've got a little pet.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Wallace, hmm!

Yes, always like to have
a hamster. Keep me company.

Rather short of human friends
with my disability.

Doesn't seem to be moving much.

No, no, um, dead, in fact.

Accident. Happened yesterday.

Sitting at typewriter.

Er, little chap hopped
onto carriage, fell in.

Aw!
Typing a row of dots at the time.

Oh, dear.
Were you rather fond of him?

I was really, yes, yes.

I wanted to have him stuffed,
made up into keyring.

Something to remember him by.

BARKING
Oh, have you got a dog as well?

No, no, er, next door's.
Comes in through garden.

Yes, feed him through window.

FEROCIOUS BARKING

Ugly brute. Seems to
sit there most of the day.

He's huge.

Extraordinary appetite.
Throw anything out, he eats it.

Show you. Um...

SNARLING AND CRUNCHING

GULP!

Lost a cricket ball that way once.

Swallowed it in one gulp.
Just sat there begging for more.

BARKING

Yes. He seems a bit
aggressive, doesn't he? Yes.

BARKING
Well, better clear up, really.

Don't want to make bad impression
on parents again. Oh, right.

Um, shall I take that tray out?
Good thinking.

Er, kitchen that way,
through hall. Right.

Oh, there's something I'd like
to show you, actually.

Um, had it since I was a lad.

Tom, can't seem to be
able to open the door.

Signed by Alec Bedser.

Tom, would you mind, please?

Oh, sorry. Should've warned you.
Just a moment.

Excuse me, Alison.

Don't know why it does that.
Odd really.

Would you like some lager? Sort of
warm us up before the dread event.

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Oh, I see you play the tuba.
Yes. Yes, yes. Learnt at school.

Brass band. Not much good,
but fun. You musical at all?

Oh no, not really.

The only thing I learnt at school
that you might call musical

was, um, the claves.
Claves?

Hmm. It's like two little sticks

and you use one stick
to hit the other stick,

and it makes a sort
of a hollow noise.

Ah, never heard that, no.

Oh, no, it's not a particularly
memorable sound or anything.

It's just, um, hollow.
Ah, yes.

I'd quite like to have tried
some of the other instruments,

but Rachel, I remember,
always got the triangle

and Gregory had to have
the xylophone, of course,

otherwise he got asthma and I
always seemed to get the claves.

Sounds jolly unfair to me.
Oh, I didn't mind really.

I got the rhythm pole one week.

That's the one with
the milk bottle tops. Yes.

Wayne was away sick. When he
came back I had to go back to...

the claves.
The claves?

Still, the tuba sounds
a lot more exciting than that.

Oh, well.

This the piece you're
learning at the moment, is it?

Yes, yes, that's right, yes.

Oh, would you play a bit for me?
Well, not, um...

Not in practice really!

But, alright, yes. Love to.

Yes, I like a Christmas carol
whatever the time of year.

Yes.

Oh!
GIGGLES

Yes.

OOMPAH NOTES

Think that's all
more or less there.

And that was "Silent Night",
was it?

Yes, yes.
Oh, I thought that was...

SINGS: # Silent night! #
Ah, no, no, no.

Er, probably thinking
of the tune on top.

No, trumpets add that bit.
Oh, I see!

Like to try?
Could I?

Yes, of course, of course.
Simple technique.

Takes just a little
bit of mastering.

Um, sit down.

Just slip this between your, um...
Oh.

Just down there, yes. Um, now...

Purse lips. Stick tongue out.

Spit. Yes, messy business.
I'll just, er...

clean this up for you.

And, er...

Little, er, cleaning of the valve.

Alison?

Yes, Tom?

Alison.

Finger stuck in tuba.

Um, don't quite know, um...

Oh, well...
If you perhaps, er, bend, just...

Yep! Yes.
Should, should... Yes.

Yes. Got it? Yes, yes.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that'll be Mummy.
Ah, good.

Um, should I?

Yes, leave you to, er...
Right.

...get on with it.

Follow straight right. Um...

Come out. Good.

Ah, I'm terribly sorry
to trouble you.

We're from the telephone box
around the corner

and I wondered if you could help?
Oh dear, is she hurt?

Nothing too serious
and her husband's on the way.

She banged her face
on the return coin tray

and get a lot of cold
loose change down her front.

Oh, dear.
It's shock mostly.

But if there was anywhere
she could lie down for a moment?

If you'd like to come in?
Yes, by all means, do.

Best go upstairs.
Give you a hand if I...

It's alright, Tom, I'll do it.
You look after things down here.

Right. Good.
There we go. Alright?

This is awfully kind of you.

Linda Whitworth.
I believe we met this morning?

Ah, yes. Er, Chance, Tom Chance.
Believe we did.

I suppose it must've
seemed a bit odd

finding us all crammed
in there like that.

Was a bit puzzled, yes.

You see, we're the Songbourne
Ladies Cricket Eleven.

You may have heard of us.
We're trying to be

the first ladies cricket
team in pyjamas

to stay eight hours in
a telephone box. It's a stunt.

It's to raise money
for a new pavilion.

I couldn't beg a real
favour of you, could I?

You see we told Norris McWhirter
and the press and everyone

that we'd be making the attempt
in our nighties and that.

But the minibus for the girls to
get changed in hasn't turned up

and some of them are shy

about getting changed on the
pavement. Oh.

Do you think that they
could get changed here?

Ah, yes, of course. Er, like
to use the front room? There.

Oh, this is lovely, yes.
This'll be wonderful.

Good. Got some visitors coming.

Better go upstairs, do something
about this. Leave it to you then.

Well, yes, of course.
I'll just give them a shout.

Yes.

Carol? Carol? Can you bring
the rest of the girls round?

It's okay to get changed.

Straight through, all of you,
straight through and get changed

as quickly as you can.
Come on now, no dilly dallying.

Get your clothes off
and straight into your nighties.

Is there going to be anyone
watching this time, Linda?

I sincerely hope so. I'm taking
lots of photographs as well.

Oh, dear.
Well, I don't mind doing it.

Just I'm not sure I like the idea
of all those people watching.

Do they have to?
Of course they do.

That's the whole point of it,
isn't it?

I mean, that's where most
of the money's coming from.

I suppose so.

Just I've never done this
sort of thing for money before.

Don't worry about it
and do get a move on.

They'll probably expect us
to get started soon.

Oh, she's right, you know,
I shouldn't worry.

I mean, the only bit of me
a photographer's going to see

is my backside pressed up
against the glass.

Now come on, hurry up,
all of you!

Outside and into your positions.
Very good. Well done.

Good luck, girls.
Oh, goodbye. Thank you.

It's nothing.

Ah, good. Yes, such a relief
when you get it off.

Thought you'd be off
on the job with the girls.

No, probably like
to get changed. Ah!

Like me to take you to
one of the bedrooms? Oh, no!

No, no, no!
No, come on. No, no, no.

Don't be shy.
No, no, no!

No, no! Oh! Oh! No!

No nightie? Ah!

Very embarrassing.
Yes, understand. Um...

Yes.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Got a pair of pyjamas.
Be a perfect fit for you. Wait here.

Um...

Here you are.
Oh, thank you.

Oh, you vile, beastly man!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God, I'm trapped!
Oh! I must get help!

Telephone. Oh, telephone!

Oh, Alison! Oh...

Where's the telephone?
Where's the...

Oh, I can't find the wire. Oh!

Oh! Oh! I've got to get out!

Oh, Alison, my pet.
My poor innocent pet.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God! Oh!

Aaagh!

Aaagh!

DOG SNARLING AND CRUNCHING

Oh!

GIRLS CHATTING

Hello?

Anyone at home?
Hey, you, Jimmy.

Are you 41?
I beg your pardon.

41, Venables Avenue.
Oh yes, yes, I believe it is.

Is this, er, your car?

Yes, yes, that's my car. Is it
parked in your way or something?

Och, no, laddie,
it's just perfect where it is.

Oh.

Just perfect.
Hey, that's my headlamp.

It's not working well, is it?

That one neither.

You know my son Kevin's
got a car like this.

His headlights are
a wee bit dubious too.

Mind you, he hasn't got a broken
windscreen like you've got.

But he does have trouble opening
the doors from time to time.

Now then...

do you have the same problem
under the bonnet that he does, eh?

Ach, yes. Wires and hoses
all over the place, eh?

Still, they're nice cars,
those Capris, aren't they?

Yes. Um, forgive me for asking,
but why are you doing all this?

The name's Taggart, Mr Chance.
James Taggart.

Five days ago, you sold
my son Kevin a Capri

which didn't have the street
credibility of a lawn mower.

And er, You're so fond of scrap,

I thought you'd like
some of your very own.

This wee hammer's
a present from me,

to remind you
if I ever see you again,

I'll be borrowing it back,

but I won't be
using it on your car.

Tom?
Yes.

I'm not sure, but I think
a strange man out there's

been hitting Daddy's car.
Hitting?

Wait here.

Alright, alright,
what's all this about then?

Something about
selling a car to Kevin.

You-You thought this was my car?
No, I don't... Give me that hammer!

Couldn't even be bothered
to wait for an explanation!

You make me sick, you people do!
You need a sharp lesson!

Need a good punch on the nose.

Half a mind to give it
to you myself. In fact, going to.

He's running a brothel in there.
We have to warn Alison.

He's got all these women in there
and he's paid them to...

Oh, God, Derek,
what's he done to you?

Oh, my nose, Doreen. My nose!

That's my bat. What are you
doing with my cricket bat?

You've been hitting him in the face
with that hammer, haven't you?

Oh, you, you, you swine!

Alec Bedser signed that bat
for me, personally signed it.

Alec Bedser!

He's got a vicious Alsatian
in the garden as well, Derek.

It's had me pinned up
against the wall for hours.

It's eaten my handbag and...

God, Derek.

What's happened to the car?

Don't, don't panic, mother.
Don't panic.

There's a phone box down there.
You go ring for the police

while I hold this one back.

Really upset me that has.

I mean, that bat was signed for me
personally by Alec Bedser.

Now it just says "Alec Bed".

Hello.

SCREAMS

Derek! Oh!

Derek!

What's the matter, woman,
what is it?

There's... Oh... I'm...

Oh, Tom, whatever's happened?

Oh, all's well, Alison.
Just this homicidal lunatic try...

Er, Tom, I'd like you
to meet my parents.

These are my parents.

Mummy, Daddy, this is Mr Chance,
the man I was telling you about.

Oh, I do hope you're going
to like each other.

# Here I go again

# I hear those trumpets blow again

# All aglow again

# Taking a chance on love

# Here I slide again

# About to take that ride again

# Starry eyed again

# Taking a chance on love

# Things are mending now

# I see a rainbow blending now

# We'll have a happy ending now

# Taking...

# Taking a chance on love! #