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1
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Here's a bad reason,
2
00:00:02,627 --> 00:00:05,422
but a very popular reason
to get into a relationship--
3
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:08,091
is you're lonely.
Don't ever do that.
4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:11,803
It's much better to be
laying in bed lonely
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00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:16,266
by yourself, listening
to the faucet drippin',
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00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:19,728
than to be laying next to
somebody you have no feelings
for,
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00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:24,441
thinking shit like, well, what
if she gets into a car accident?
8
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:28,153
You know? What if an asteroid
just hits her side of the bed?
9
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,280
What if I fake my own death?
10
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,574
What if I do my own death?
11
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,743
I was in relationships, and
I'd be thinking that for years.
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00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,120
I'd be sitting there going,
"Hey, oh, the turkey's, oh,
delicious,"
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00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,122
as I'm thinking
about killing myself.
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00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,750
Every relationship I was ever
in, Jesus Christ, apologizing,
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00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,794
just backing up, backing up,
backing up, backing up.
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00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,881
You're in goal line D the entire
time you're in the fucking
relationship.
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00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:51,634
When's the last time you took
out the fucking trash? You know?
18
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,803
You take the bag
out of the fucking garbage bag.
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00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:57,348
That's not taking it out.
That's setting it aside.
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00:00:57,348 --> 00:00:59,976
Ooh, you tied it
off. Look at you.
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00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:01,227
You know, so always listen
to that voice.
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00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:02,729
Whenever you're thinking
about killing yourself,
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00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:05,565
that means you're not happy.
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00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:08,777
[funky synth rock instrumental]
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00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,736
[static]
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00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:14,240
Please, let another doc do this.
27
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,034
He was practically too
embarrassed to ask me for a
ride.
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00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,328
How do you think
Bonnie and Stu will feel
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00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,996
knowing their neighbor let
someone else take care of their
son?
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00:01:19,996 --> 00:01:21,790
Jeffrey, come on.
31
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,918
Honey, it's gonna be fine.
32
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,211
Knock, knock.
33
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:29,089
Hey, Mark. How you doing, buddy?
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[sighs, whispers] God dammit.
35
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He's, a, uh, neighbor kid,
family friend.
36
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:34,260
Can't you get someone else
to do this, Dr. Robinson?
37
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:39,182
Please call me Jeffrey, and...
38
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I am way better at this than I
was cooking those burgers on
Labor Day weekend.
39
00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:43,770
- All right?
[gloves squeak]
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Nothing to be embarrassed about.
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00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,110
I'm just gonna put two fingers
up there and grab whatever it is
42
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that's bothering you.
- [exhales]
43
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,531
Everybody experiments,
okay? So--
44
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:55,907
You know, Doctor,
I think I'm okay.
45
00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:57,075
- No.
- I'm gonna be all right. It's--
46
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- It's gonna be fine, Mark,
okay? - [sighs]
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00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,455
We've been neighbors for a long
time. I've seen this butt
before.
48
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:04,749
There you go. You're gonna feel
a little bit of pressure.
49
00:02:04,749 --> 00:02:06,626
It's gonna be a
little cold, and...
50
00:02:06,626 --> 00:02:08,545
[groans]
51
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,880
Okay. Whoa, that is sharp, huh?
52
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,217
- And...here it is.
- [groans]
53
00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,718
[squish]
- [exhales] There we go.
54
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:21,099
[suspenseful music]
55
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,308
CAROLYN: Baby?
56
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,853
♪♪♪
57
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,604
I can explain.
58
00:02:26,604 --> 00:02:27,605
[Mark exhales deeply]
59
00:02:27,605 --> 00:02:31,025
♪♪♪
60
00:02:31,025 --> 00:02:37,991
[moody ballad]
61
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,285
♪♪♪
62
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:44,581
♪ When they find
we're so close ♪
63
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:49,294
♪ I'll be standing
by the stairs and I ♪
64
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:54,174
♪ I'm ready to implode ♪
65
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,844
♪ Ready to disown ♪
66
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:01,389
♪♪♪
67
00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:05,518
♪ And the curtain
shall come down ♪
68
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:10,732
♪ People clap and start
to frown and you ♪
69
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:14,944
♪ So dark and insincere ♪
70
00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:18,031
♪ Whisper in my ear ♪
71
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,701
♪♪♪
72
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:26,331
♪ And if I scream out ♪
73
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:30,668
♪ Secret thoughts
that drag you down ♪
74
00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:35,506
♪ I don't wanna be a thorn
in your side no more ♪
75
00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:37,217
♪♪♪
76
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:42,847
♪ I pray to the god of frail ♪
77
00:03:42,847 --> 00:03:45,850
♪ I'm on my way ♪
78
00:03:45,850 --> 00:03:49,729
♪ I pray ♪
79
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,023
♪ For judgment day ♪
80
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:54,359
♪♪♪
81
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,403
♪ I pray ♪
82
00:03:57,403 --> 00:03:59,656
♪ To the god of the frail ♪
83
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:02,659
♪ I'm on my way ♪
84
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:06,120
♪ I pray ♪
85
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:08,331
♪ For judgment day ♪
86
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:11,042
♪♪♪
87
00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:13,169
♪ I pray ♪
88
00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:16,297
♪ To the god of the frail ♪
89
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:19,425
♪ I'm on my way ♪
90
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,929
♪ I pray ♪
91
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:25,098
♪ For judgment day ♪
92
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,849
♪♪♪
93
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:32,105
♪ For judgment day ♪
94
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,315
[song ends]
95
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:38,319
[static]
96
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:41,990
Here's--Here's why I fucked up.
You know, like 30 years ago,
97
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:45,827
way back when I was, you know,
still in high school,
98
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,912
this new chick moved to town.
99
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:50,415
I swear to God, I looked at her,
I had a heart attack.
100
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:53,751
I mean, I was thunderstruck. I
immediately fell in love with
her.
101
00:04:53,751 --> 00:04:57,630
You know? And of course,
it didn't work out,
102
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:01,884
and I thought about her every
fucking day for the next 25
years.
103
00:05:01,884 --> 00:05:04,345
So one day I'm in a bar, and
I'm telling my buddy about it.
104
00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:05,763
And he goes,
"Oh, yeah, she broke your heart?
105
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,057
She broke up with you?"
I said, "No."
106
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:09,392
And he goes,
"Oh, did you break up with her?"
107
00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,270
And I said, "No."
108
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,439
I go, "I never even
talked to her."
109
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:17,025
And he just starts
fucking laughing.
110
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,235
He's going, "Wait a minute.
111
00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:22,155
Some chick broke your heart
that you never even talked to?"
112
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,366
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and he's just crying laughing,
113
00:05:25,366 --> 00:05:29,787
punching the bar,
and I'm like, "What?"
114
00:05:29,787 --> 00:05:32,081
He goes, "Buddy, if you never
even talked to her,
115
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:37,295
for all you know,
she could've been a cunt."
116
00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:39,047
And I never thought
about her again.
117
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:46,137
So my point is, if you see some
woman, and she makes your heart
stop,
118
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:49,682
you gotta go up
and take an at-bat.
119
00:05:49,682 --> 00:05:52,101
You know? You gotta find out
if she's a cunt or not.
8941
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