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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,989 --> 00:00:23,992 [action movie theme plays] 2 00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:29,429 ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪ 3 00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:32,266 ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪ 4 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:34,201 [radio DJ] McCreary with the song of the summer, 5 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,169 "Astro Blaster and the Beavermen." 6 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,872 Still playing at a theater near you. 7 00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:39,874 Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man. 8 00:00:39,908 --> 00:00:42,342 That creepy old preacher guy looks like my stepmom. 9 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,946 Sunday morning, Whispering Woody on Z-100. 10 00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:46,814 Here all day. Can't do Hands Across America, 11 00:00:46,848 --> 00:00:48,315 but that does not mean 12 00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:49,651 that I can't hand you two tickets 13 00:00:49,684 --> 00:00:51,385 to see Major Murder defend 14 00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:53,621 his intercontinental championship title. 15 00:00:53,655 --> 00:00:55,389 Worldwide wrestling coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena 16 00:00:55,422 --> 00:00:56,824 - in New Jersey. - [bell dings] 17 00:00:56,858 --> 00:00:58,560 The 100th caller wins. 18 00:00:58,593 --> 00:00:59,994 [singers] ♪ Rocking at the speed of light ♪ 19 00:01:00,028 --> 00:01:03,865 ♪ The hot rockin' Z! Z-100! ♪ 20 00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:08,670 ["I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz playing] 21 00:01:18,211 --> 00:01:19,847 [line ringing] 22 00:01:19,881 --> 00:01:21,716 [phone rings] 23 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,184 China Taste. 24 00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:25,753 Yes. Can I get, uh, 25 00:01:25,787 --> 00:01:27,487 some General Tso's chicken, please? 26 00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:28,723 Sorry, no Tso's. 27 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,491 No Tso's? Did the chickens escape? 28 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:34,161 No, we're still doing breakfast for the next hour. 29 00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,763 - Breakfast? - [chair creaks] 30 00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:37,999 Then can I get two scrambled eggs? 31 00:01:38,032 --> 00:01:39,701 - Toast or fruit? - Ew. 32 00:01:39,734 --> 00:01:42,537 Toast. Burn that fruit before somebody eats it on accident. 33 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,205 Absolutely no fruit. Anything else? 34 00:01:45,238 --> 00:01:47,240 Can I get an orange juice? 35 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:49,409 Never fruit, but somehow OJ's okay. 36 00:01:50,243 --> 00:01:51,946 Uh, and a pork roll, 37 00:01:51,980 --> 00:01:53,447 - egg and cheese. - [clanks] 38 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,282 Bagel with cream cheese and any other cheese 39 00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,085 - you sees, please. - [scoffs] 40 00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:59,554 He's a poet and he didn't even know it. 41 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:00,622 Anything else? 42 00:02:00,655 --> 00:02:01,923 Yes. 43 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,725 Six and a half almond cookies 44 00:02:03,758 --> 00:02:05,827 and your hand in marriage. 45 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,066 Who is this? 46 00:02:12,100 --> 00:02:15,135 Well, it's not Brian David. That guy's a pud. 47 00:02:15,168 --> 00:02:18,305 He... he sure is. 48 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,408 I haven't heard from you in a long time, Brian David. 49 00:02:21,441 --> 00:02:23,377 - What are you doing? - Calling Melody Barnegat 50 00:02:23,410 --> 00:02:25,546 and I'm making a Morton's jelly donut. 51 00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:27,247 Toaster oven or microwave? 52 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:30,952 I don't have a toaster oven or a microwave, Richie Rich. 53 00:02:30,985 --> 00:02:32,654 Jesus. Do you guys have a robot maid 54 00:02:32,687 --> 00:02:34,221 in your mansion, Miss Millionaire? 55 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,991 Shut up. Did you really call to order all this food? 56 00:02:37,025 --> 00:02:38,626 No. 57 00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:40,427 I was calling to talk to you. 58 00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,930 Oh, yeah? Why? 59 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:45,767 Uh... 60 00:02:47,035 --> 00:02:48,603 Was wondering... 61 00:02:49,871 --> 00:02:51,639 Do you wanna go to the movies with me today? 62 00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:54,976 You can-- You can totally say no. 63 00:02:55,009 --> 00:02:56,044 Okay. 64 00:02:57,812 --> 00:02:59,647 Uh, s-seriously? 65 00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,015 Mm-hmm. 66 00:03:01,716 --> 00:03:03,117 Uh, hold on one second. 67 00:03:08,122 --> 00:03:09,624 [breathes deeply] 68 00:03:10,725 --> 00:03:12,093 Cool. 69 00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:13,995 Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2. 70 00:03:14,028 --> 00:03:16,064 Uh, because Tobe Hooper didn't direct? 71 00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:19,767 - Who? - The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. 72 00:03:19,801 --> 00:03:22,469 He made the first Poltergeist even though most people think it was Spielberg. 73 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:25,272 You sure know a lot about movies. 74 00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:26,841 But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you 75 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,442 because I'm supposed to go with my mom. 76 00:03:28,475 --> 00:03:29,877 Your mom? Why? 77 00:03:29,911 --> 00:03:33,114 Oh, first one's like her favorite movie ever. 78 00:03:33,147 --> 00:03:35,183 She says it's because she likes ghost stories, 79 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,517 but I know she's lying. 80 00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:39,053 Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist? 81 00:03:39,087 --> 00:03:40,555 My aunt was drunk one night 82 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,222 and she said that when my mom was in eighth grade, 83 00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:43,624 she went to the school dance with the guy 84 00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:45,292 who plays the dad in Poltergeist. 85 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:46,961 So that's why she likes the movie so much. 86 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:50,263 Oh, my gosh. She probably gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job. 87 00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:53,034 I'd be so mad you said that right now 88 00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:56,236 if I wasn't so impressed you remember the guy's name. 89 00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,539 You sure know a lot about movies. 90 00:03:58,573 --> 00:04:00,575 I know there's a movie you and me gotta go see 91 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:01,943 that your mom will love. 92 00:04:03,044 --> 00:04:04,645 "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" 93 00:04:04,679 --> 00:04:06,748 Remember when we were in the pool last summer? 94 00:04:11,284 --> 00:04:13,353 Do you wanna touch 'em? 95 00:04:13,386 --> 00:04:15,489 Uh, you mean... 96 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:18,159 [quietly] when I almost let you get to second? 97 00:04:18,192 --> 00:04:19,861 Well, yeah, 98 00:04:20,762 --> 00:04:22,362 but this was right before that. 99 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:24,331 - [Melody] Marco. - [Brian] Polo. 100 00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,333 - [Melody laughing] Marco. - [Brian laughing] Polo. 101 00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:29,003 - [Melody] Marco. - [both laugh] 102 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,539 Why do you wear your shirt in the pool? 103 00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,008 Because my tits are bigger than yours? 104 00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:38,179 You should take your shirt off in the pool, just one time. 105 00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:40,114 You should take your shirt off everywhere, 106 00:04:40,148 --> 00:04:41,281 - all the time. - [scoffs] 107 00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:42,884 You're so funny. 108 00:04:42,917 --> 00:04:44,484 All short people are funny. 109 00:04:44,519 --> 00:04:46,087 [radio playing] 110 00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:47,922 It's too loud. I'm reading. 111 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,058 Mom, tell Brian David he's not short. 112 00:04:51,092 --> 00:04:53,393 How about I tell him to get off my daughter instead? 113 00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:55,730 He's not on me. I'm on him. 114 00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:58,766 Get off that boy or the only thing you'll be on is punishment. 115 00:05:00,902 --> 00:05:02,804 Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat? 116 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,872 Bucklick. 117 00:05:04,906 --> 00:05:07,642 Holy shit! Your mom just called me a butt-lick! 118 00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:10,545 She said "Bucklick", with a K. 119 00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:13,080 - [Brian laughs] - It's-- it's a book series my mom loves 120 00:05:13,114 --> 00:05:16,918 about a wisecracking detective whose name is U.B. Bucklick. 121 00:05:16,951 --> 00:05:18,286 You be a butt-lick. 122 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,420 - You be a butt-lick. - You be a butt-lick. 123 00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:22,422 [laughing] You be a butt-lick. 124 00:05:25,126 --> 00:05:28,196 ♪♪ 125 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,210 Do you wanna touch 'em? 126 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:46,479 [cat yowls irritably] 127 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,249 I totally shoulda touched 'em. 128 00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,318 You totally shoulda. 129 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,921 It's, like, the biggest mistake I ever made. Shh. 130 00:05:53,955 --> 00:05:55,323 So why didn't you? 131 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,625 Well, I wanted you to think I was a nice guy. 132 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,594 I did think you were a nice guy 133 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,494 until you stopped calling me. 134 00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:04,799 Well, I'm calling you now because there's a Bucklick movie, 135 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,767 and we totally gotta go see it together. 136 00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:09,303 No way. They made a Bucklick movie? 137 00:06:09,337 --> 00:06:10,437 Ch'yeah, uh, 138 00:06:10,470 --> 00:06:11,772 they-they showed a preview for it 139 00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:13,341 when I saw Top Gun. 140 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:17,377 It looks really funny, and it's playing in Atlantic. 141 00:06:17,410 --> 00:06:18,512 Wait, then we gotta go. 142 00:06:18,546 --> 00:06:20,915 [speaking Chinese] 143 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,049 [replies in Chinese] 144 00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:26,220 [quietly] Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick? 145 00:06:26,254 --> 00:06:27,989 There's a 2:15 show. 146 00:06:28,022 --> 00:06:29,624 I can't do 2:15. I get off at 2:00 147 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,525 and then I need to go home and shower before I go out 148 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,960 because I smell like an egg roll. 149 00:06:32,994 --> 00:06:35,730 Uh, we could go to the next show at 4:30. 150 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,565 We could, couldn't we? 151 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,800 We should, shouldn't we? 152 00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:41,335 "Could", to "should". 153 00:06:41,369 --> 00:06:43,470 Wow. You move fast. 154 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,972 Except in the pool. 155 00:06:45,006 --> 00:06:46,574 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - [chuckles] 156 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,210 - So, you wanna go? - [oven door clanks] 157 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,847 Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick. 158 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,715 Sweet. Then I'll see you 159 00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:57,084 at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat. 160 00:06:57,685 --> 00:07:01,421 I'll see you at the 4:30 movie, Brian David. 161 00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:04,892 B-Bye. 162 00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:12,166 [exhales deeply] 163 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,534 There is a God. 164 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,569 [soft techno music playing] 165 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,452 Off to get the new Starlog. 166 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:35,790 It's kind of brisk out. 167 00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,327 A very unassuming day. 168 00:07:41,062 --> 00:07:42,663 Nothing fantastic happening. 169 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,767 ♪♪ 170 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,576 [Brian] Morning, Cookie. 171 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,845 [Cookie] Mr. B.D. 172 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,480 Uh, you on the schedule today? 173 00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:33,981 Nope. I'm gonna go sit on the dock 174 00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,349 and read the new Starlog, 175 00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:37,418 then I'm going to the movies. 176 00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:38,886 Man, you and your movies. 177 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,289 Shit's not real, you know. 178 00:08:42,323 --> 00:08:44,191 Like that movie E.T.? 179 00:08:44,225 --> 00:08:46,093 That never happened. 180 00:08:46,127 --> 00:08:47,361 That movie Conan? 181 00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:49,930 Never happened. 182 00:08:49,964 --> 00:08:51,232 That movie Gandhi? 183 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,401 Shit never happened. 184 00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,637 I'm pretty sure Gandhi happened. 185 00:09:00,041 --> 00:09:01,475 Well, that shit happened for three hours, 186 00:09:01,510 --> 00:09:02,710 so I stopped watching it. 187 00:09:05,246 --> 00:09:07,615 You heard that new Run-D.M.C. album? 188 00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,717 - Fresh. - Super fresh, right? 189 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,652 Chilly most. 190 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,154 Gandhi definitely happened. 191 00:09:13,187 --> 00:09:14,488 It didn't happen! 192 00:09:14,523 --> 00:09:15,623 No, it definitely happened. 193 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:16,724 Star Wars did! 194 00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:31,705 [soft music playing] 195 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:39,146 May 25th, 1986. 196 00:09:39,180 --> 00:09:40,381 [seagull squawks] 197 00:09:40,414 --> 00:09:42,716 Today is a big day. 198 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:45,686 I finally called Melody Barnegat 199 00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,255 and invited her out to the movies. 200 00:09:50,191 --> 00:09:53,127 Why, you ask? [sighs] 201 00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:56,764 One word. 202 00:09:58,132 --> 00:09:59,467 Love. 203 00:10:01,536 --> 00:10:03,538 I got a 24-karat case of love. 204 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,043 [pop music playing] 205 00:10:26,494 --> 00:10:29,598 Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast! 206 00:10:29,630 --> 00:10:31,065 It's not for breakfast. 207 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:33,300 It's for you guys to bring to the movies. 208 00:10:33,334 --> 00:10:35,102 - [pan clinks] - This is movie bacon? 209 00:10:35,136 --> 00:10:38,105 It's cheaper than that rip-off candy counter, 210 00:10:38,139 --> 00:10:41,475 and bacon's better for you than all that popcorn. 211 00:10:42,443 --> 00:10:44,812 - [Brian] Hmm. - You're growing boys. 212 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,181 You need bacon to build big, strong hearts. 213 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,751 [sings theme song] ♪ Coo roo coo coo, coo loo coo coo! ♪ 214 00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,721 "Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie and this is my brother Doug." 215 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,390 - "How's it going, eh?" - [hums reply] 216 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:59,460 - Is that my movie bacon? - Ah! Don't touch it yet. 217 00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:02,597 I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first. 218 00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:05,666 Are we really gonna be 219 00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,735 sneaking around the movies all day? 220 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,171 I heard that Danny Banks got caught doing that last week 221 00:11:10,204 --> 00:11:11,772 and they banned him for life. 222 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,575 Danny Banks isn't as slick as us. 223 00:11:13,608 --> 00:11:15,644 But Bucklick is rated R. 224 00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:18,679 We do not look old enough to get into a rated R movie. 225 00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:19,747 We gotta... 226 00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,183 because I called Melody Barnegat this morning 227 00:11:22,216 --> 00:11:23,585 and told her we were going. 228 00:11:23,618 --> 00:11:26,220 You talked to Melody Barnegat this morning? 229 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,422 Well, was that before or after the donut? 230 00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,491 Before. I asked her out. 231 00:11:30,525 --> 00:11:32,126 She's coming to the 4:30 movie with us. 232 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:35,129 You asked Melody Barnegat out on a movie date? 233 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,830 - Brothers? - Brothers. 234 00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,201 - Do you care? - I don't care. 235 00:11:40,234 --> 00:11:41,468 But guess who will? 236 00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:50,044 Melody Barnegat? 237 00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:55,149 Merry Melody Barnegat? 238 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:56,817 Yes, Melody Barnegat. 239 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,886 Dude, she's a Spirit Bunny! 240 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,354 She's a cheerleader. 241 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,822 She's younger than us. 242 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,658 By one grade, and she would've been in our class, 243 00:12:03,692 --> 00:12:05,527 but she missed the cutoff date by a month 244 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,027 because her birthday is in November. 245 00:12:07,061 --> 00:12:08,896 Dude, you know when her birthday is? 246 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:12,132 Well, holy shit, Billy Idol. When is the white wedding? 247 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:14,134 What do you got against Melanie Barnegat, okay? 248 00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,736 She's super sweet. 249 00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,871 She's super short. 250 00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,240 She's not much shorter than me. 251 00:12:19,273 --> 00:12:20,741 She's shorter than the Mets chance 252 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,476 of making it to the playoffs this year. 253 00:12:22,510 --> 00:12:24,044 - Oh, my God. - [Belly] I don't know, Burn. 254 00:12:24,078 --> 00:12:26,480 Mets beat the Padres 5-4 last night. 255 00:12:26,514 --> 00:12:29,149 Yeah, and the Padres beat the Mets 7-4 on Friday. 256 00:12:29,183 --> 00:12:30,484 What's your point, Bell? 257 00:12:30,518 --> 00:12:32,019 Yeah, but the way they're playing, 258 00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,655 they're saying the Mets could go all the way. 259 00:12:33,688 --> 00:12:35,356 The Mets have as good of a chance 260 00:12:35,389 --> 00:12:37,091 of making it to the World Series 261 00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:40,828 as Bri does of making it with Midgety Barnegat. 262 00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,731 Melody Barnegat's not a midget. 263 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:45,332 She's fresh, and I'm gonna ask her out. 264 00:12:45,366 --> 00:12:47,502 - You already did. - To the movies, but, 265 00:12:47,535 --> 00:12:49,370 after we see Bucklick, I'm gonna... 266 00:12:49,403 --> 00:12:51,205 ask her out, ask her out. 267 00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,540 Like, to go steady. [sighs] 268 00:12:54,375 --> 00:12:55,577 What? 269 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,579 Wha-- [stammers] 270 00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,946 Why? 271 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,282 Why? Because we made out in her pool last summer. 272 00:13:01,315 --> 00:13:04,519 Yeah, one time! With your shirt on! 273 00:13:04,552 --> 00:13:07,454 And all you almost got was a little bit of titty. 274 00:13:07,488 --> 00:13:10,024 And very little, might I add, because she is... 275 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,358 fairly flat-chested. 276 00:13:11,392 --> 00:13:13,394 Ch'yeah. She's not flat-chested. 277 00:13:13,427 --> 00:13:15,462 [Burny] Oh, so you're the expert now? 278 00:13:15,496 --> 00:13:18,098 Look, Bri, baby, 279 00:13:18,132 --> 00:13:20,702 I've gone with way more girls in the pool than you have, 280 00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:23,337 all right? With my shirt off. 281 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,206 I've been thinking about asking Melody out all year. 282 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,743 She's really smart. She thinks I'm funny. 283 00:13:28,777 --> 00:13:32,212 Oh, she can't be too smart if she thinks you're funny. 284 00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:35,449 Like washing your truck three times a day is some sign of intelligence. 285 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,753 Hey, hey, hey! Don't bring the Truckster into this, okay? 286 00:13:38,787 --> 00:13:41,221 You can actually get inside of the Truckster, 287 00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,824 which is way more than you'll ever be able to do 288 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,727 with Melody Barnegat. 289 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,895 Bri, she's beneath you. 290 00:13:48,596 --> 00:13:50,097 I'm trying to get her on top of me. 291 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:52,833 For what? 292 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,703 For sex, Burny! 293 00:13:54,736 --> 00:13:57,338 But-but you're-- you're the guy, Bri. 294 00:13:57,371 --> 00:14:00,575 You get on top of her, right? 295 00:14:00,608 --> 00:14:03,344 - I gotta teach him everything. - But I'm always laying down when I jerk off, 296 00:14:03,377 --> 00:14:05,112 - so I don't think I can bust a nut any other way. - Ew! 297 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,748 Hey! Hey! Come on! 298 00:14:06,781 --> 00:14:10,150 You think I wanna hear about your nasty jerk-off techniques? 299 00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:12,186 No, I don't! 300 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,522 - The match... - Major Murder promo! 301 00:14:14,556 --> 00:14:16,490 You gotta learn how to be a man, Bri. 302 00:14:16,524 --> 00:14:18,192 Be a man like Major Murder. 303 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:19,828 [theme song playing on TV] 304 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:23,364 - Like Major Murder. - Yeah, like Major Murder. 305 00:14:24,532 --> 00:14:26,133 Major Murder is not a man. 306 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,135 He's a fictional character. 307 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,870 He's got character. 308 00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:31,706 Especially when he's in the ring kicking ass. 309 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:34,542 [indistinct TV chatter] 310 00:14:34,576 --> 00:14:37,378 Call the police, because there's gonna be a murder 311 00:14:37,411 --> 00:14:39,480 in New Jersey, wrestling fans. 312 00:14:39,514 --> 00:14:42,617 Coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena in East Rutherford, 313 00:14:42,650 --> 00:14:45,285 the Master of Disaster himself, 314 00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:47,054 the Savage Soldier, 315 00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,824 it's Major Murder! 316 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,293 - Is this thing on? - Yes. 317 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:56,163 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 318 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,566 - [Burny grunting] - Aw, hell, Mad Brad. 319 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,202 You hearing me, Believer? 320 00:15:02,236 --> 00:15:05,239 Major Murder's got his orders to kick your ass. 321 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,609 So I'm gonna storm those cheeks 322 00:15:07,642 --> 00:15:10,745 like it's Omaha Beach! Hoorah! 323 00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,680 [Brad] Now, Major, it sounds to me 324 00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:14,749 like you intend on holding on 325 00:15:14,783 --> 00:15:18,051 to your intercontinental championship title. Is that right? 326 00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,286 If you gotta ask, 327 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:22,690 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 328 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,863 - [bike revs] - At ease, ya sleaze. 329 00:15:28,897 --> 00:15:30,497 Major Murder says 330 00:15:30,532 --> 00:15:33,133 dis... missed! 331 00:15:34,536 --> 00:15:35,936 Well, there you have it. 332 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,005 Let's all be thankful that the Major fights 333 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,174 for the side of these United States 334 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:41,910 and not those Soviets. 335 00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:44,445 Major Murder is bad to the bone! 336 00:15:44,478 --> 00:15:47,448 The guy literally rides a camouflage motorcycle, 337 00:15:47,481 --> 00:15:49,216 for God's sakes. 338 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:51,418 He would never be dating little Melody Barnegat. 339 00:15:51,452 --> 00:15:52,953 You can bet your ass on that. 340 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:56,190 Because she's a teenager and he's, like, 100 years old. 341 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,292 You would never say that to his face, 342 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,762 'cause he'd put the Grip of Death on you. Huh. 343 00:16:00,795 --> 00:16:03,063 [as Mad Brad] Even though he was 17 years old... 344 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:06,033 [normal voice] Burny O'Donnell still believed wrestling was real! 345 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,135 - [all chuckle] - Yeah. 346 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,637 - Is wrestling not real? - Hey! 347 00:16:09,671 --> 00:16:10,805 [Burny] Can you rip the grip? 348 00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,072 - Say wrestling's real! - Get off me! 349 00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,407 Say wrestling's real! 350 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,276 - [thuds] - Aw, yeah! Are we wrestlin'? 351 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,078 - [thuds] - [grunting] 352 00:16:19,747 --> 00:16:24,451 ["I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan playing] 353 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:51,846 [song continues] 354 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,748 - [Burny] I ain't doin' it. - [Belly] Why not? 355 00:16:53,781 --> 00:16:55,950 [Burny] 'Cause the idea of everybody touching everybody's disgusting. 356 00:16:55,984 --> 00:16:57,417 - [Brian scoffs] - [mumbles indistinct] 357 00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:58,820 Burny mistakenly believed 358 00:16:58,853 --> 00:17:00,588 "Everybody Touching Everybody's Disgusting" 359 00:17:00,622 --> 00:17:03,423 was the original name for Hands Across America. 360 00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:06,293 - [Belly] Brothers? - [Brian] No, Bells. I'm just mocking Burny 361 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,095 for being against Hands Across America. 362 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:10,063 - Ah, hands across my dick. - [laughs] 363 00:17:11,131 --> 00:17:13,433 Can't believe they're not playing Poltergeist 2 here. 364 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:16,036 Well, there's no way that shit's gonna be as good as Poltergeist 1. 365 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:19,007 It's not "Poltergeist 1." It's still just Poltergeist. 366 00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:22,142 When they make a sequel, they don't suddenly stick a number on the first flick. 367 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,813 Sometimes I wanna stick a power cable in your big mouth, 368 00:17:25,847 --> 00:17:27,615 like Brody did Jaws in Jaws 2. 369 00:17:27,649 --> 00:17:30,018 I like how they killed Jaws better in Jaws 1. 370 00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:32,020 Belly, it's just Jaws. 371 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:33,655 Unless we're talking Godfather 2, 372 00:17:33,688 --> 00:17:35,723 Escape From the Planet of the Apes, or Empire, 373 00:17:35,757 --> 00:17:38,158 no sequel's ever as good as the original. 374 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,028 All right, well, as long as that creepy little chick's 375 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,496 coming back from Poltergeist 1, I'll be there. 376 00:17:42,530 --> 00:17:45,232 [imitating character] "Cross over, children! 377 00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,702 All are welcome." 378 00:17:48,836 --> 00:17:50,170 Melody Barnegat's mom-- 379 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,239 Ooh! I'm so sorry. Um, Melody Barnegat's mom 380 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,408 went to a dance with the dad from Poltergeist 381 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,910 - when she was in eighth grade. - Oh, yeah. 382 00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,178 - I bet she jerked him off! - That's what I said. 383 00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:01,081 Oh, then why did you ask her to come to the movies today? 384 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,150 Melody's mom's not coming to the movies with us. 385 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,753 Not her mom. Melody. Why is she coming with us? 386 00:18:05,787 --> 00:18:07,655 Because I like Melody Barnegat. 387 00:18:07,689 --> 00:18:09,724 Ah, you don't know shit about women, Bri. 388 00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:12,326 - Oh, my God. - I do, right? 389 00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:13,928 And I know she's not the woman for you 390 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:16,531 because she's not a woman at all. 391 00:18:16,564 --> 00:18:17,832 She's a little girl. 392 00:18:17,865 --> 00:18:20,568 Melody Barnegat is not a little girl, Burny. 393 00:18:20,602 --> 00:18:22,737 - She's like a lady. - Ah, yeah. 394 00:18:22,770 --> 00:18:24,672 Like the creepy lady from Poltergeist 1. 395 00:18:24,706 --> 00:18:25,773 It's just Poltergeist! 396 00:18:25,807 --> 00:18:27,174 Who wants some more of Mom's bacon? 397 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:29,242 Put that away till we get inside, bacon bits. 398 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,812 Oh, shit. Here comes the car. 399 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,915 ["I Feel For You" continues] 400 00:18:33,948 --> 00:18:35,115 [car honks] 401 00:18:45,593 --> 00:18:47,461 That car blows. 402 00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:49,564 No way! It's like a Batmobile. 403 00:18:49,597 --> 00:18:52,033 Who cares? Batman's a stupid old TV show. 404 00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:54,434 I read in Starlog, they said they're gonna make a new Batman movie. 405 00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:56,403 [scoffs] It'll flop. 406 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,973 Nobody's ever gonna pay to see a Batman movie. 407 00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:05,546 What a disgusting town. 408 00:19:05,580 --> 00:19:06,480 [scoffs] 409 00:19:08,516 --> 00:19:10,518 ["I Feel For You" continues] 410 00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:14,187 Get someone out here and make sure 411 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:16,758 none of these disgusting poors touches my Moviemobile. 412 00:19:16,791 --> 00:19:18,225 Aye aye, Cap'n Bligh. 413 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,995 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas, 414 00:19:21,029 --> 00:19:23,831 where the movies come to play. 415 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:27,969 When we get inside, remember, 416 00:19:28,002 --> 00:19:29,403 we're getting tickets for Astro Blaster 417 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:30,905 because Bucklick and Dental School 418 00:19:30,938 --> 00:19:32,406 are both rated R. 419 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:35,743 I can drive a car at 17 and join the army, 420 00:19:35,777 --> 00:19:39,681 but I gotta wait till I'm 18 to see rated R movies. 421 00:19:39,714 --> 00:19:41,516 Might as well live in Russia. 422 00:19:41,549 --> 00:19:43,483 [as Yakov Smirnoff] In Soviet Union, 423 00:19:43,518 --> 00:19:45,987 you don't see R-rated movie. 424 00:19:46,020 --> 00:19:47,689 R-rated movie sees you. 425 00:19:47,722 --> 00:19:49,791 "Ah, what a country!" 426 00:19:49,824 --> 00:19:51,159 [giggles] 427 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,359 I need new friends. 428 00:19:54,529 --> 00:19:55,462 Hi. 429 00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:00,367 Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 430 00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,571 [dispenser clanks, whirs] 431 00:20:06,841 --> 00:20:08,676 Can I get, uh, one ticket 432 00:20:08,710 --> 00:20:11,779 to Astro Blaster and the Beavermen? 433 00:20:11,813 --> 00:20:14,281 [coins clink] 434 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,718 - [sighs] - [dispenser clanks, whirs] 435 00:20:20,054 --> 00:20:21,622 - Hey, girl! - [coin clinks] 436 00:20:21,656 --> 00:20:24,125 Can I get, uh, one ticket to, uh, 437 00:20:24,158 --> 00:20:26,359 - "Ass-blaster"? - [velcro ripping] 438 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:30,363 'Cause, uh, you know, that's what the ladies call me. 439 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,066 [seductively] Ass-Blaster. 440 00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:35,670 [dispenser clanks, whirs] 441 00:20:41,509 --> 00:20:42,710 [both hiss in pity] 442 00:20:42,744 --> 00:20:44,679 She was playing hard to get. 443 00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:47,414 Okay. Um, we'll save seats. 444 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,783 You get in line? 445 00:20:50,184 --> 00:20:51,586 - That look like it hurt. - She gave me a look. 446 00:20:54,055 --> 00:20:56,124 You can't give them cut-sies when they get back. 447 00:20:57,058 --> 00:20:59,160 What do you care? We're behind you. 448 00:20:59,193 --> 00:21:00,895 Well, I'll tell my dad. 449 00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:03,898 [mocking] Oh, you'll tell your dad. So what? 450 00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:06,200 I don't care what you tell your dad, little kid. 451 00:21:08,136 --> 00:21:10,437 - Dad. - Hmm? 452 00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:12,472 He showed me his privates. 453 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,375 - He did what? - I-I-- 454 00:21:17,111 --> 00:21:18,813 Have fun. Don't run. 455 00:21:19,714 --> 00:21:21,249 Have fun. Don't run. 456 00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,917 [mocking] "Have fun, don't run." 457 00:21:26,621 --> 00:21:27,755 Have fun. 458 00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:30,490 [serenely] And I hope you die. 459 00:21:36,396 --> 00:21:38,398 Have fun. Don't run. 460 00:21:38,431 --> 00:21:40,535 You had to mess with Manager Mike. 461 00:21:40,568 --> 00:21:42,737 I'm not scared of that spaz. 462 00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,272 Now if he sees us in Bucklick, 463 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,607 he'll remember us as the guys from Astro Blaster 464 00:21:46,641 --> 00:21:48,976 - who made fun of him. - Oh, the "guys"? 465 00:21:49,010 --> 00:21:52,747 You mean "the guy"? 'Cause you didn't say shit. 466 00:21:52,780 --> 00:21:54,715 I'm trying to be incognito 467 00:21:54,749 --> 00:21:56,751 so we can sneak into the other movies all day 468 00:21:56,784 --> 00:21:58,418 - after we see this one. - Oh. Uh-huh, 469 00:21:58,451 --> 00:22:00,588 and how many times have you seen Astro Blaster? 470 00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:01,823 Fourteen times. 471 00:22:01,856 --> 00:22:04,391 Oh. And you wonder why you don't get laid. 472 00:22:05,226 --> 00:22:06,928 I don't get laid 'cause I'm Catholic. 473 00:22:06,961 --> 00:22:09,496 I'm Catholic! That don't stop me from getting laid. 474 00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:11,899 I even did it in the church basement one time. 475 00:22:11,933 --> 00:22:15,236 [Brian] Is the church basement what you call your sphincter? 476 00:22:15,269 --> 00:22:16,804 [Burny] You're a sphincter. 477 00:22:20,875 --> 00:22:22,442 Uh, where is Bells? 478 00:22:22,475 --> 00:22:23,778 [tapping on glass] 479 00:22:28,216 --> 00:22:30,618 - Uh, what the hell? - I got thrown out. 480 00:22:30,651 --> 00:22:32,954 - For what? - For being a little sex fiend. 481 00:22:34,689 --> 00:22:36,090 Are you with that pervert? 482 00:22:36,123 --> 00:22:38,926 Uh, I mean... 483 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,995 - We go to the same school. - You're such a sellout. 484 00:22:41,028 --> 00:22:42,495 That pervert's our boy, Belly. 485 00:22:42,530 --> 00:22:44,665 Well, your boy Belly's been bounced. 486 00:22:44,699 --> 00:22:46,267 You wanna join him, be my guest. 487 00:22:46,300 --> 00:22:48,368 But keep the door closed. Don't let my AC out. 488 00:22:48,401 --> 00:22:51,973 [loudly] You touch my car, I call the cops! 489 00:22:52,006 --> 00:22:54,175 [louder] You touch my car, 490 00:22:54,208 --> 00:22:55,843 I call the cops! 491 00:22:55,877 --> 00:22:59,280 You can't hear me? I can't hear you. 492 00:22:59,313 --> 00:23:02,016 I won. [scoffs] 493 00:23:04,218 --> 00:23:05,653 [muffled] Meet me out back. 494 00:23:07,588 --> 00:23:09,857 [muffled] Meet me out back. 495 00:23:11,092 --> 00:23:13,027 Jesus. Meet me out back. 496 00:23:17,531 --> 00:23:19,667 [sighs] All right. 497 00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:22,402 Can you get me some Twizzlers? I'll go get Bells. 498 00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,704 Can I eat you one of your Twizzlers? 499 00:23:23,738 --> 00:23:26,073 [chuckles] You can eat this Twizzler. 500 00:23:31,212 --> 00:23:33,314 Ah. S'up, Stank? 501 00:23:33,347 --> 00:23:36,050 - Oh, hey. S'up? How you doing? - Good. 502 00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:39,387 D-didn't I see you at Rocky IV couple of months ago? 503 00:23:40,221 --> 00:23:41,889 - Yeah. - Oh, man. 504 00:23:41,923 --> 00:23:43,490 I can't stop thinking about that movie. 505 00:23:43,524 --> 00:23:45,092 - It was crazy. - So good, right? 506 00:23:45,126 --> 00:23:47,528 I couldn't believe that Rocky lived. 507 00:23:47,561 --> 00:23:49,496 - Yeah. - E-even so, I was like, 508 00:23:49,530 --> 00:23:53,401 "That movie's... [stammers] really hard to follow." 509 00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:56,337 You know, 'cause it's like, it was like you think he's gonna be dead 510 00:23:56,370 --> 00:23:58,272 'cause he's all, like, bloody and stuff. 511 00:23:58,306 --> 00:24:00,408 Then he's just like... [sings fanfare] 512 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:01,575 Just like... 513 00:24:01,609 --> 00:24:03,711 - [imitates blow landing] - Whoa! 514 00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:05,579 And then-- But then the other guy was like... 515 00:24:05,613 --> 00:24:08,282 [imitates blow landing] And there's blood and all this spit. 516 00:24:08,316 --> 00:24:10,551 [imitates spit spraying] 517 00:24:10,584 --> 00:24:13,020 - Yeah. - And it all came out. 518 00:24:13,054 --> 00:24:14,755 - [chuckles] - It-it was cool. 519 00:24:14,789 --> 00:24:16,691 Remember when the blonde guy... 520 00:24:16,724 --> 00:24:18,225 The Ru-- He's Russian. 521 00:24:18,259 --> 00:24:19,527 I don't know where he's from, 522 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,762 but he-he's just like... [imitates punch] 523 00:24:21,796 --> 00:24:23,698 I don't think it matters where he's from. 524 00:24:23,731 --> 00:24:25,766 [chuckles] A-and then-- 525 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,370 and-and-and he just, like, punched him so hard. 526 00:24:29,403 --> 00:24:31,872 - Remember that? - Yeah. It was the climax. 527 00:24:31,906 --> 00:24:33,240 He climaxed? 528 00:24:33,274 --> 00:24:35,643 No, it was the climax of the film. 529 00:24:35,676 --> 00:24:38,312 Yeah, it was so cool. [chuckles] 530 00:24:38,346 --> 00:24:40,681 But I just thought it was kind of fake. 531 00:24:43,084 --> 00:24:44,719 [chuckles] 532 00:24:44,752 --> 00:24:46,253 What, for free? 533 00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:48,155 You know I don't got any bread. 534 00:24:48,189 --> 00:24:51,125 Ah, but you got bacon. 535 00:24:58,032 --> 00:24:59,734 Did you see my new Stryper jacket? 536 00:24:59,767 --> 00:25:00,801 Oh, cool. 537 00:25:00,835 --> 00:25:02,403 - Rock on. - Yeah. 538 00:25:02,436 --> 00:25:04,939 Well, not-- No, actually. 539 00:25:04,972 --> 00:25:07,608 Rock on without the horns, 'cause... 540 00:25:07,641 --> 00:25:09,877 - [taps thigh] - Hell is for pussies. 541 00:25:11,212 --> 00:25:13,514 It's for-- Heaven's where it's at. 542 00:25:13,547 --> 00:25:15,516 H-have you been saved? 543 00:25:15,549 --> 00:25:17,485 - What? - Have you been saved? 544 00:25:17,518 --> 00:25:19,320 - By Jesus? - [scoffs] 545 00:25:19,353 --> 00:25:21,255 No, by Tony Danza. 546 00:25:21,288 --> 00:25:22,823 Yeah, by Jesus. 547 00:25:22,857 --> 00:25:26,127 Um, I-I guess. I'm an altar boy and I go to church. 548 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,030 Good for you. So I guess we'll be in heaven together, 549 00:25:29,063 --> 00:25:31,532 spitting down on all those heathens. 550 00:25:31,565 --> 00:25:33,034 - Yeah. - [both chuckle] 551 00:25:33,067 --> 00:25:35,336 You're not doing Hands Across America either? 552 00:25:35,369 --> 00:25:37,204 - Nah, not this year. - Yeah. 553 00:25:37,238 --> 00:25:39,508 I asked a bunch of people, but, um... 554 00:25:39,540 --> 00:25:40,941 Yeah, I... 555 00:25:40,975 --> 00:25:42,710 No one wanted to do it with me. 556 00:25:42,743 --> 00:25:46,180 They already had people that they were doing hands with, so... 557 00:25:46,213 --> 00:25:48,315 I mean, I understand, 'cause it's kind of like 558 00:25:48,349 --> 00:25:50,684 you have to know somebody really well 559 00:25:50,718 --> 00:25:53,454 to, like, stand next to somebody 560 00:25:53,487 --> 00:25:55,322 and, like, give them a hand job. 561 00:25:55,356 --> 00:25:58,626 But you know, just for bringing people together, 562 00:25:58,659 --> 00:26:00,694 it's, like, kind of a lot to ask, I guess. 563 00:26:05,666 --> 00:26:07,168 - Here we go. - Thanks. 564 00:26:12,039 --> 00:26:13,474 How many previews do you think we get? 565 00:26:13,508 --> 00:26:15,042 It's always three. 566 00:26:15,076 --> 00:26:16,944 I hope we get The Fly. 567 00:26:18,547 --> 00:26:20,281 I hope we get Aliens and Labyrinth. 568 00:26:24,351 --> 00:26:26,087 [thoughtful music plays] 569 00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:32,693 [narrator] Her name is Sister Sarah Wallace, 570 00:26:32,726 --> 00:26:35,796 and she is unlike any nun you've ever met. 571 00:26:37,932 --> 00:26:39,934 - Hey, guys. - Hi. 572 00:26:39,967 --> 00:26:41,035 - Hi! - She's young. 573 00:26:42,770 --> 00:26:44,238 - She's fun. - [laughs] 574 00:26:45,473 --> 00:26:47,542 [indistinct chatter] 575 00:26:50,111 --> 00:26:52,213 Yes! Yes! High five! 576 00:26:54,081 --> 00:26:56,283 And she's got a secret. 577 00:26:59,453 --> 00:27:02,923 They stole all the food for the orphans! 578 00:27:02,957 --> 00:27:04,191 What are we gonna do? 579 00:27:04,225 --> 00:27:07,094 [dramatic music] 580 00:27:07,128 --> 00:27:09,630 To feed the hungry kids at her orphanage, 581 00:27:10,764 --> 00:27:13,234 this naughty nun will develop 582 00:27:13,267 --> 00:27:15,369 some filthy habits. 583 00:27:15,402 --> 00:27:17,404 [saxophone music plays] 584 00:27:19,807 --> 00:27:22,042 [narrator speaking] 585 00:27:22,076 --> 00:27:25,279 How come the nuns were never secret hookers when we were in school? 586 00:27:25,312 --> 00:27:28,816 One time I pulled my pud to the thought of sex with Sister Anne. 587 00:27:28,849 --> 00:27:30,552 [breathes deeply] 588 00:27:30,585 --> 00:27:32,621 Was guilty as hell afterwards. 589 00:27:32,653 --> 00:27:34,355 You're gonna burn, sinner. 590 00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:35,723 Hey, don't tell anybody I told you that. 591 00:27:35,756 --> 00:27:37,091 Who would I tell? 592 00:27:37,124 --> 00:27:39,326 You're out here swimming around in a toilet bowl. 593 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,495 But you're a nun. Not a hooker! 594 00:27:41,530 --> 00:27:44,465 Well, maybe God wants me to be both! 595 00:27:44,498 --> 00:27:46,400 - [sax music resumes] - [narrator] A nun by day... 596 00:27:46,433 --> 00:27:48,469 Ready? Yeah! [laughing] 597 00:27:48,503 --> 00:27:50,838 [narrator] ...and a hooker by night. 598 00:27:50,871 --> 00:27:53,307 Hey, Sister! 599 00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:56,177 I got something for your poor box! 600 00:27:58,212 --> 00:28:00,848 Let's see what's under that wig. 601 00:28:03,518 --> 00:28:05,386 - Oh, hell, no! - [knife clinks] 602 00:28:05,419 --> 00:28:06,787 - [screams] - [screams] 603 00:28:06,820 --> 00:28:09,323 - [narrator] Say a prayer for... - [laughing] 604 00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:12,326 [people clamoring] 605 00:28:17,331 --> 00:28:19,366 [narrator speaking] 606 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:20,501 Rated R. 607 00:28:21,570 --> 00:28:22,937 We're definitely seeing that. 608 00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:24,673 Imagine if the nuns were secret hookers 609 00:28:24,705 --> 00:28:25,806 when we were in school. 610 00:28:25,839 --> 00:28:27,174 Number one, I already said that. 611 00:28:27,208 --> 00:28:29,109 And number two, one time Burny jerked off 612 00:28:29,143 --> 00:28:30,444 thinking about sister Anne. 613 00:28:30,477 --> 00:28:31,680 - [laughs] - Dude! 614 00:28:31,712 --> 00:28:34,248 [insects chirring] 615 00:28:34,281 --> 00:28:38,118 [uneasy music plays] 616 00:28:38,152 --> 00:28:41,055 [man breathing gruffly] 617 00:28:47,562 --> 00:28:49,763 [woman panting] 618 00:29:05,547 --> 00:29:07,414 - [blade plunges] - [man roars] 619 00:29:09,416 --> 00:29:11,553 "The Health Nut"? Huh. 620 00:29:11,586 --> 00:29:13,220 Get outta here with this shit. 621 00:29:13,254 --> 00:29:15,155 Well, they banned it in Scandinavia. 622 00:29:15,189 --> 00:29:17,525 That slasher isn't fit 623 00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:19,994 to wipe the blood off the blades of Leatherface, 624 00:29:20,027 --> 00:29:21,730 Michael Myers or Freddy Krueger. 625 00:29:21,762 --> 00:29:24,331 You haven't even seen the movie yet, Judge Wapner. 626 00:29:24,365 --> 00:29:26,400 I don't need to see the movie, 627 00:29:26,433 --> 00:29:28,369 'cause I'm the greatest horror movie expert 628 00:29:28,402 --> 00:29:29,870 you've ever met. 629 00:29:29,903 --> 00:29:31,238 Stupid piece of shit. 630 00:29:32,473 --> 00:29:35,075 Question for the expert. 631 00:29:35,109 --> 00:29:37,845 Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 632 00:29:37,878 --> 00:29:40,414 Leatherface, and Michael Myers? 633 00:29:40,447 --> 00:29:42,049 My man, Jason Voorhees. 634 00:29:42,082 --> 00:29:44,018 [imitates buzzer] The correct answer to the question 635 00:29:44,051 --> 00:29:46,120 "Who wins in a fight between Jason, Freddy, 636 00:29:46,153 --> 00:29:48,155 Leatherface, and Michael Myers?" is... 637 00:29:48,188 --> 00:29:49,758 the audience! 638 00:29:49,790 --> 00:29:51,425 - We all win. - [clicks] 639 00:29:52,926 --> 00:29:53,827 Idiot. 640 00:29:56,063 --> 00:29:59,768 [cheerful '80s music plays] 641 00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:00,801 [thuds] 642 00:30:05,172 --> 00:30:06,473 Morning, gorgeous. 643 00:30:06,508 --> 00:30:09,109 Morning. What'cha havin'? The usual? 644 00:30:09,143 --> 00:30:10,545 [loud sigh] 645 00:30:10,578 --> 00:30:13,314 I gotta unload before I reload. [chuckles] 646 00:30:15,282 --> 00:30:16,984 [sighs heavily] 647 00:30:24,124 --> 00:30:25,993 [horror movie music plays] 648 00:30:26,026 --> 00:30:27,662 - [zipper unzips] - [grunts] 649 00:30:29,430 --> 00:30:30,931 - [farts] - [groans] 650 00:30:32,534 --> 00:30:36,236 [skittering] 651 00:30:36,270 --> 00:30:37,971 [repeated wet punches] 652 00:30:38,005 --> 00:30:39,239 Oh! 653 00:30:39,273 --> 00:30:40,575 [screams] Oh, my God! 654 00:30:40,608 --> 00:30:41,810 Oh! 655 00:30:41,842 --> 00:30:45,513 [screaming] 656 00:30:45,547 --> 00:30:47,682 [urgent music plays] 657 00:30:47,716 --> 00:30:49,149 [thumping] 658 00:31:03,063 --> 00:31:04,666 [alien speech] 659 00:31:04,699 --> 00:31:05,933 [screams] 660 00:31:05,966 --> 00:31:07,301 [roars] 661 00:31:10,237 --> 00:31:12,973 So they crawl up your butt. 662 00:31:13,006 --> 00:31:15,242 Oh, Mr. Wizard over here. 663 00:31:16,243 --> 00:31:18,278 I can't believe this place is so empty. 664 00:31:18,312 --> 00:31:19,446 When did this come out? 665 00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:21,850 Astro Blaster? Back in March. 666 00:31:21,882 --> 00:31:24,619 Remember, we snuck into Highlander after we saw Astro Blaster? 667 00:31:24,652 --> 00:31:26,721 I remember Burny missing half of Highlander 668 00:31:26,755 --> 00:31:29,189 because he was feeling up Susie Bukachyk the whole time. 669 00:31:29,223 --> 00:31:30,991 Eh, Bukachyk's so Catholic, 670 00:31:31,024 --> 00:31:32,861 she only let me touch her left titty. 671 00:31:32,893 --> 00:31:35,062 That's why he calls her the "Kurgan." 672 00:31:35,095 --> 00:31:36,296 Why? 673 00:31:36,330 --> 00:31:37,732 [dramatic voice] "There can be only one!" 674 00:31:37,766 --> 00:31:39,166 - [laughs] - S... 675 00:31:39,199 --> 00:31:40,901 - Sorry. - It's starting. 676 00:31:40,934 --> 00:31:42,504 [chuckles] 677 00:31:43,705 --> 00:31:45,740 ♪ Astro Blaster ♪ 678 00:31:45,774 --> 00:31:47,174 ♪ And the Beavermen ♪ 679 00:31:47,207 --> 00:31:50,612 ["Astro Blaster and the Beavermen" playing] 680 00:31:56,083 --> 00:31:58,720 ♪ Astro Blaster ♪ 681 00:31:58,753 --> 00:32:01,255 ♪ Friend to the Beavermen and the Beaverwomen ♪ 682 00:32:05,794 --> 00:32:07,494 [whispers] It's Jessica Court. 683 00:32:07,529 --> 00:32:09,163 [Burny chuckles lightly] 684 00:32:09,196 --> 00:32:10,397 [whispers] Watch this. 685 00:32:11,733 --> 00:32:13,033 [thuds] 686 00:32:13,066 --> 00:32:14,903 You got Burned. 687 00:32:14,935 --> 00:32:16,236 Burny! 688 00:32:16,270 --> 00:32:17,705 Who the hell is this? 689 00:32:17,739 --> 00:32:20,542 Oh, this is Burny. I graduated with his brother. 690 00:32:20,575 --> 00:32:22,844 Uh, Burny, this is Randi. 691 00:32:22,877 --> 00:32:25,847 - Where are you from, hon? - "Hon"? 692 00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,515 I'm from the Bay Area. 693 00:32:27,549 --> 00:32:29,049 Bay Avenue? 694 00:32:29,082 --> 00:32:30,384 San Francisco. 695 00:32:30,417 --> 00:32:31,619 Oh, we met at school. 696 00:32:31,653 --> 00:32:32,953 Ah. 697 00:32:32,986 --> 00:32:34,589 So, how's college? 698 00:32:34,622 --> 00:32:36,558 Is it all orgies in the dorms? 699 00:32:36,591 --> 00:32:38,392 Dorms? We don't live in the dorms. 700 00:32:38,425 --> 00:32:39,627 - My God. - Shh. 701 00:32:42,095 --> 00:32:44,766 I'm Damocles of the Beavermen, damn it! 702 00:32:44,799 --> 00:32:46,935 And that means one damn thing. 703 00:32:49,436 --> 00:32:50,971 I rule the beaver. 704 00:32:51,004 --> 00:32:52,507 You haven't seen this yet? 705 00:32:53,741 --> 00:32:55,075 No. Did you? 706 00:32:55,108 --> 00:32:57,277 Yeah. It's stupid. 707 00:32:57,311 --> 00:32:59,213 Like, stupid fun? 708 00:32:59,246 --> 00:33:01,716 Eh. Mm, it's not as stupid fun 709 00:33:01,749 --> 00:33:04,652 as you and me making out to Goonies. 710 00:33:04,686 --> 00:33:07,254 Oh. And it was in the same theater. 711 00:33:07,287 --> 00:33:08,823 - Yeah. - Hmm. 712 00:33:08,857 --> 00:33:10,825 Maybe we should take a little walk down memory lane 713 00:33:10,859 --> 00:33:12,125 in the back row, huh? 714 00:33:12,159 --> 00:33:13,628 - No way. - [chuckles] 715 00:33:13,661 --> 00:33:15,162 I'm here with Randi and Barbara. 716 00:33:15,195 --> 00:33:16,564 So? 717 00:33:16,598 --> 00:33:18,867 I'm here with Brian and Bells. Who gives a shit? 718 00:33:20,133 --> 00:33:22,537 - You know you wanna. - [taps chair] 719 00:33:28,442 --> 00:33:30,578 - [whispers indistinctly] - [groans, mutters] 720 00:33:30,612 --> 00:33:33,781 Excuse me. I'm gonna be, uh, just right back. 721 00:33:33,815 --> 00:33:35,315 You're just flat leaving us? 722 00:33:35,349 --> 00:33:37,150 Is there a Brian David here? 723 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,989 - I'm looking for Brian David. - [audience shushes] 724 00:33:41,054 --> 00:33:44,191 Holy shit, I can't hear the movie! 725 00:33:44,224 --> 00:33:46,460 Eat shit, asshole! 726 00:33:46,493 --> 00:33:47,795 - Brian David. - [audience clamors] 727 00:33:47,829 --> 00:33:50,430 Come see the manager in the lobby, ASAP. 728 00:33:50,464 --> 00:33:52,934 Brian David. Brian David. 729 00:33:52,967 --> 00:33:53,968 Should I go? 730 00:33:55,737 --> 00:33:56,838 Godspeed. 731 00:33:58,740 --> 00:34:00,440 [chair rattles] 732 00:34:00,474 --> 00:34:03,143 I'm terrified by what's about to happen. 733 00:34:08,348 --> 00:34:10,652 Uh, I'm Brian David. 734 00:34:10,685 --> 00:34:13,021 So I'm on the phone with my Paramount rep. 735 00:34:13,053 --> 00:34:14,354 That's Paramount Pictures, mind you. 736 00:34:14,388 --> 00:34:16,390 Godfather, Godfather Part II. 737 00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:18,660 And all of a sudden, the operator interrupts us 738 00:34:18,693 --> 00:34:21,228 with an emergency breakthrough 739 00:34:21,261 --> 00:34:22,429 from your mother. 740 00:34:24,032 --> 00:34:26,634 Mom, uh, w-what's wrong? 741 00:34:26,668 --> 00:34:30,170 You are giving this cat a bath when you get home tonight. 742 00:34:31,039 --> 00:34:34,374 You made an emergency breakthrough to tell me that? 743 00:34:34,408 --> 00:34:36,376 That's how filthy this cat is! 744 00:34:36,410 --> 00:34:39,814 Cats are self-cleaning, Ma, and they hate water. 745 00:34:39,847 --> 00:34:42,349 No, that's only in cartoons, Brian. 746 00:34:42,382 --> 00:34:46,888 Okay, I'll give the cat a bath when I get home, um, I promise. 747 00:34:46,921 --> 00:34:48,723 - But I gotta go. - Oh, okay! 748 00:34:48,756 --> 00:34:51,224 Big important man doesn't have time to talk 749 00:34:51,258 --> 00:34:53,861 to his mother who gave birth to him. 750 00:34:53,895 --> 00:34:56,931 You know, I lost one before you and one after you. 751 00:34:56,965 --> 00:34:59,199 I can't really talk about my dead ghost siblings, Ma. 752 00:34:59,232 --> 00:35:01,201 The manager is waiting for his phone back. 753 00:35:01,234 --> 00:35:03,071 Well, I was waiting for a thank-you note 754 00:35:03,103 --> 00:35:04,672 from your cousin Allison, 755 00:35:04,706 --> 00:35:06,608 which just came in the mail today. 756 00:35:06,641 --> 00:35:08,910 I sent a wedding present to that dummy 757 00:35:08,943 --> 00:35:11,211 after she eloped with some twerp. 758 00:35:11,244 --> 00:35:12,780 Listen to this BS! 759 00:35:12,814 --> 00:35:14,381 Pardon my French, Blessed Mother. 760 00:35:14,414 --> 00:35:16,618 Listen to this. "Dear Aunt Grace, 761 00:35:16,651 --> 00:35:18,285 Thank you for the wedding present. 762 00:35:18,318 --> 00:35:20,788 We love the bed linens from Bradley's, 763 00:35:20,822 --> 00:35:22,389 but when we opened the package, 764 00:35:22,422 --> 00:35:25,258 there were two fitted sheets and no top sheet. 765 00:35:25,292 --> 00:35:28,896 It's a little hard to sleep between two fitted sheets, 766 00:35:28,930 --> 00:35:32,299 so we're gonna bring them back and get a correct set. 767 00:35:32,332 --> 00:35:34,602 Thank you so much, Allison." 768 00:35:34,636 --> 00:35:36,470 [scoffs] "It's a little hard 769 00:35:36,504 --> 00:35:38,106 to sleep between two fitted sheets." 770 00:35:38,138 --> 00:35:39,473 Well, then don't get married! 771 00:35:39,507 --> 00:35:41,208 Ma, the manager's staring at me 772 00:35:41,241 --> 00:35:42,977 because, uh, we're tying up the phone. 773 00:35:43,011 --> 00:35:45,046 Well, tell him to hold his horses. 774 00:35:45,079 --> 00:35:46,480 I'm not telling him that. 775 00:35:46,514 --> 00:35:48,816 You don't have to. I can hear her. 776 00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:51,151 He can hear you, Ma. 777 00:35:51,184 --> 00:35:53,588 That means both of you can hear me when I say, 778 00:35:53,621 --> 00:35:55,455 "Get off the phone 779 00:35:55,489 --> 00:35:58,225 or I'm ejecting you from the theater!" 780 00:35:58,258 --> 00:35:59,426 I gotta go, Ma. 781 00:35:59,459 --> 00:36:01,129 Well, I love you, tiger. 782 00:36:01,161 --> 00:36:02,462 Okay, I'll see you tonight. 783 00:36:02,496 --> 00:36:04,098 Oh, okay, Fonzie. 784 00:36:04,132 --> 00:36:06,400 Too cool to say "I love you" back to your mother? 785 00:36:06,433 --> 00:36:07,669 I'm in public, Ma. 786 00:36:07,702 --> 00:36:10,605 Oh, I did 18 hours of labor in public 787 00:36:10,638 --> 00:36:12,172 bringing you into this world. 788 00:36:12,205 --> 00:36:14,776 Tell her you love her, Fonzie. 789 00:36:14,809 --> 00:36:16,711 I love you. Goodbye, Ma. 790 00:36:18,613 --> 00:36:21,783 Sorry, uh, my mom's mad at my cousin. 791 00:36:21,816 --> 00:36:25,586 I don't care about your family ties, Alex P. Keaton. 792 00:36:25,620 --> 00:36:28,388 This isn't the party line where the action never stops 793 00:36:28,422 --> 00:36:31,125 for 89 cents a minute. This... 794 00:36:31,159 --> 00:36:33,027 is a business phone. 795 00:36:33,061 --> 00:36:36,363 And that business is show business, 796 00:36:36,396 --> 00:36:39,801 as in lights, camera, and action. 797 00:36:39,834 --> 00:36:42,003 - [phone rings] - Oh. See? 798 00:36:42,036 --> 00:36:43,838 People trying to call. 799 00:36:43,871 --> 00:36:46,007 Atlantic Cinemas, where the movies come to play. 800 00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:48,208 Manager Mike speaking. How can I help you? 801 00:36:48,241 --> 00:36:49,309 It's your mother again. 802 00:36:50,477 --> 00:36:52,212 - Hello? - You hung up. 803 00:36:52,245 --> 00:36:53,648 I thought we were done. 804 00:36:53,681 --> 00:36:55,016 Since when don't you wait 805 00:36:55,049 --> 00:36:57,151 to hear me say "I love you too"? 806 00:36:57,185 --> 00:36:59,053 The manager was staring at me. 807 00:36:59,087 --> 00:37:01,122 You could be riding your bike home tonight 808 00:37:01,155 --> 00:37:02,957 and get run over by a bus. 809 00:37:02,990 --> 00:37:05,560 And as you die there in the gutter, you'd realize 810 00:37:05,593 --> 00:37:07,461 that you missed your last chance 811 00:37:07,494 --> 00:37:10,330 to hear your only mother say "I love you." 812 00:37:10,363 --> 00:37:12,466 Ah-- I don't want that! 813 00:37:12,499 --> 00:37:14,468 You don't want what? Me to get hit by a bus 814 00:37:14,501 --> 00:37:17,370 or me to have regrets when I die from getting hit by a bus? 815 00:37:17,404 --> 00:37:19,372 Christopher Columbus! I don't even wanna think 816 00:37:19,406 --> 00:37:20,808 about you getting hit by a bus! 817 00:37:20,842 --> 00:37:22,744 Well, then why'd you say-- Can I go now? 818 00:37:22,777 --> 00:37:24,344 [sighs] How's the movie? 819 00:37:25,046 --> 00:37:28,216 I don't know! Because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 820 00:37:28,916 --> 00:37:30,084 Who's that? 821 00:37:30,118 --> 00:37:31,853 - Your son. - The short one? 822 00:37:31,886 --> 00:37:33,521 - [gasps] - Oh, my God. 823 00:37:33,554 --> 00:37:36,758 Crumbs! You think he's not self-conscious enough already? 824 00:37:36,791 --> 00:37:39,026 - I thought he was at the movies. - He's there now. 825 00:37:39,060 --> 00:37:41,028 Ask him if the movie is any good. 826 00:37:41,062 --> 00:37:43,698 Your father wants to know if your movie's good or not. 827 00:37:43,731 --> 00:37:45,432 I don't know, 828 00:37:45,465 --> 00:37:48,503 because I've been on the phone with you the whole time. 829 00:37:48,536 --> 00:37:51,338 Listen, I-I love you, but I gotta go. 830 00:37:51,371 --> 00:37:53,273 I love you too, tiger. 831 00:37:53,306 --> 00:37:56,577 W-w-w-w-whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, what about me? 832 00:37:56,611 --> 00:37:58,278 Yes, I love you too. 833 00:37:58,311 --> 00:38:00,181 Ah, not that. What does Igor say? 834 00:38:00,214 --> 00:38:02,216 I'm in public, Dad. 835 00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:03,785 What does Igor say? 836 00:38:06,988 --> 00:38:09,891 [as Igor] Good night, Master. 837 00:38:09,924 --> 00:38:10,958 [chuckles] 838 00:38:10,992 --> 00:38:12,794 [both laugh] 839 00:38:12,827 --> 00:38:14,461 I made him do the Igor. 840 00:38:14,494 --> 00:38:17,131 You're not from around here, stranger. 841 00:38:17,165 --> 00:38:19,801 Why, you don't even have buck teeth. 842 00:38:21,636 --> 00:38:23,538 Or a tail. 843 00:38:23,571 --> 00:38:25,273 I'm from Earth. 844 00:38:25,305 --> 00:38:26,707 You're from Earth? 845 00:38:26,741 --> 00:38:28,743 Yes. I'm Astro Blaster. 846 00:38:28,776 --> 00:38:30,211 Astro Blaster? 847 00:38:30,244 --> 00:38:33,380 Yeah. I'm the drummer in a Van Halen cover band. 848 00:38:33,413 --> 00:38:36,751 [Burny panting] 849 00:38:39,287 --> 00:38:42,957 Man, my mom made an emergency breakthrough to talk about the cat. 850 00:38:42,990 --> 00:38:44,992 [scoffs] Can you believe that shit? 851 00:38:47,228 --> 00:38:48,930 I said, "can you believe that shit?" 852 00:38:51,132 --> 00:38:52,967 She called to tell me how she give the cat-- 853 00:38:54,535 --> 00:38:55,903 Oh, my God, you guys-- 854 00:38:55,937 --> 00:38:57,839 You guys were doing it right here? 855 00:38:57,872 --> 00:39:00,074 I-in front of Astro Blaster? 856 00:39:00,107 --> 00:39:02,910 - A-and the Beavermen? Oh! - [chair rattles] 857 00:39:02,944 --> 00:39:05,246 In a Van Halen cover band? 858 00:39:05,279 --> 00:39:07,682 Yes. It's a big deal. 859 00:39:07,715 --> 00:39:09,150 It's a big deal? 860 00:39:09,183 --> 00:39:11,319 Yeah, I just said that. 861 00:39:11,351 --> 00:39:12,987 You just said that. 862 00:39:13,020 --> 00:39:14,956 [chair rattles] 863 00:39:14,989 --> 00:39:17,091 Burny's having sex during the movie. 864 00:39:17,124 --> 00:39:18,993 The guy's got no respect for cinema. 865 00:39:21,128 --> 00:39:22,330 Am I right, Bells? 866 00:39:23,664 --> 00:39:26,466 - Bells? - [snoring] 867 00:39:29,402 --> 00:39:31,806 - [grunting] - [chair rattling] 868 00:39:31,839 --> 00:39:34,809 [panting] 869 00:39:34,842 --> 00:39:36,744 [gulping] Mmm. 870 00:39:40,248 --> 00:39:43,551 [slurping] 871 00:39:45,353 --> 00:39:46,486 What'd I miss? 872 00:39:48,756 --> 00:39:49,690 Jesus. 873 00:39:52,827 --> 00:39:55,029 Here's the beef, okay? 874 00:39:55,663 --> 00:39:59,567 We've nearly depleted our entire strategic popcorn supply. 875 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:00,902 Do you know what that means? 876 00:40:00,935 --> 00:40:01,969 No. 877 00:40:02,003 --> 00:40:03,971 That means I have to call 878 00:40:04,005 --> 00:40:06,741 every theater in a ten-mile radius 879 00:40:06,774 --> 00:40:08,475 offering crazy money 880 00:40:08,509 --> 00:40:10,845 to buy their crappy popcorn, 881 00:40:10,878 --> 00:40:14,348 only to get laughed at and mocked by managers 882 00:40:14,382 --> 00:40:18,019 telling me I can't hack it in the movie biz. 883 00:40:18,052 --> 00:40:21,155 But just when scuzzy old Strathmore Cinema-- 884 00:40:21,188 --> 00:40:23,991 the home of the cruddiest corn in the country-- is saying yes, 885 00:40:24,025 --> 00:40:26,928 and I am swallowing my pride 886 00:40:26,961 --> 00:40:28,996 to close a deal, 887 00:40:29,030 --> 00:40:30,197 all of a sudden... 888 00:40:33,067 --> 00:40:35,136 I get an emergency breakthrough. 889 00:40:35,870 --> 00:40:37,437 I'm really sorry about my mom. 890 00:40:37,470 --> 00:40:39,273 It's not your mom this time. 891 00:40:39,307 --> 00:40:41,676 Hey, hey. Have fun. Don't run. 892 00:40:41,709 --> 00:40:44,545 - Hello? - Hey, Brian, it's Melody. 893 00:40:44,578 --> 00:40:46,247 I'm sorry to call you like this. 894 00:40:46,280 --> 00:40:48,416 - Is something wrong? - A little. Um, 895 00:40:48,448 --> 00:40:50,251 I can't go to the 4:30 movie with you 896 00:40:50,284 --> 00:40:52,253 because my mom says I gotta stay home for supper. 897 00:40:52,286 --> 00:40:53,955 But she said I can go after I eat. 898 00:40:54,588 --> 00:40:55,790 Yeah? 899 00:40:55,823 --> 00:40:58,059 Okay, that's-- that's awesome, uh... 900 00:40:58,092 --> 00:40:59,794 Bucklick plays again at 7:15. 901 00:40:59,827 --> 00:41:03,331 I'll be there around 7:00, as soon as I'm done with dinner. 902 00:41:03,364 --> 00:41:04,932 You want me to bring you a pork chop? 903 00:41:04,966 --> 00:41:06,968 [lisping] "Pork chopsh and appleshaush. 904 00:41:07,001 --> 00:41:08,669 Isn't that shwell?" [chuckles] 905 00:41:10,504 --> 00:41:12,472 What? 906 00:41:12,506 --> 00:41:14,308 That's from The Brady Bunch. 907 00:41:14,342 --> 00:41:18,612 Wow. You sure know a lot about movies and TV shows. 908 00:41:18,646 --> 00:41:21,415 Hey, I'll see you "latey," Peter Brady. 909 00:41:21,449 --> 00:41:22,817 Bye. [chuckles] 910 00:41:26,587 --> 00:41:28,756 Sorry. 911 00:41:28,789 --> 00:41:30,992 [imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce." 912 00:41:31,826 --> 00:41:32,860 God. 913 00:41:36,130 --> 00:41:38,432 Worst moment of your life was the day your mom found out 914 00:41:38,466 --> 00:41:40,968 she could make an emergency breakthrough. 915 00:41:41,002 --> 00:41:43,804 That wasn't my mom. That was Melody. 916 00:41:43,838 --> 00:41:45,973 She called you at the movies? 917 00:41:46,007 --> 00:41:48,275 [As Jessica Walters] "Oh, play Misty for me." 918 00:41:48,309 --> 00:41:50,578 She did tell me she can't come to the 4:30 movie. 919 00:41:50,611 --> 00:41:52,179 Oh, yeah? Good. 920 00:41:52,213 --> 00:41:53,781 So she's coming to the 7:15 show. 921 00:41:53,814 --> 00:41:56,250 What? Now she's coming to Dental School? 922 00:41:56,283 --> 00:41:58,419 There's gonna be a ton of titties in that movie, all right? 923 00:41:58,452 --> 00:42:00,187 I'm not trying to be looking at naked ladies 924 00:42:00,221 --> 00:42:02,089 while I'm sitting next to a girl. 925 00:42:02,123 --> 00:42:05,159 Well, I was gonna say we could go to the 4:30 movie of Dental School, 926 00:42:05,192 --> 00:42:07,661 and then we all see Bucklick at 7:15. 927 00:42:07,695 --> 00:42:10,297 Why are we moving the schedule around 928 00:42:10,331 --> 00:42:12,833 for Melody Barnegat? Hmm? [scoffs] 929 00:42:12,867 --> 00:42:15,403 We're supposed to be seeing movies today. 930 00:42:16,370 --> 00:42:18,806 You see a lot of this movie from behind Jessica Court 931 00:42:18,839 --> 00:42:20,374 - or what? - Okay. S-s-s-see, 932 00:42:20,408 --> 00:42:23,210 that's different, okay? That wasn't planned. 933 00:42:23,244 --> 00:42:25,713 That's what you'll say about the kid she's gonna have in nine months. 934 00:42:25,746 --> 00:42:28,883 Ch'yeah, right. I wore a rubber. 935 00:42:28,916 --> 00:42:30,785 Who brings rubbers to the movies? 936 00:42:30,818 --> 00:42:32,653 - I do. - Why? 937 00:42:32,686 --> 00:42:34,989 Because what if the movie sucks? 938 00:42:35,022 --> 00:42:37,725 You walk out. You don't pull out. 939 00:42:37,758 --> 00:42:39,693 If I'm wearing a rubber, 940 00:42:39,727 --> 00:42:41,595 why would I pull out? 941 00:42:46,100 --> 00:42:49,370 There's a damn force field around that damn fortress. 942 00:42:49,403 --> 00:42:51,072 We need to bail out now. 943 00:42:51,105 --> 00:42:53,007 I'm not coming, Damocles. 944 00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:54,575 What in the damn hell? 945 00:42:54,608 --> 00:42:56,310 Look, we only got one shot at this, all right? 946 00:42:56,343 --> 00:42:58,012 So I'm gonna stay here and steer the ship. 947 00:42:58,045 --> 00:42:59,914 Damn it, man! Why? 948 00:42:59,947 --> 00:43:01,849 Back on Earth, I'm just a drummer 949 00:43:01,882 --> 00:43:03,884 in a Van Halen cover band, man. 950 00:43:03,918 --> 00:43:08,557 Okay, but here in space, I can be so much more, Damocles. 951 00:43:08,622 --> 00:43:10,825 I can be the kind of guy I always wanted to be. 952 00:43:10,858 --> 00:43:13,360 I can be the kind of guy they call a hero. 953 00:43:13,394 --> 00:43:17,431 Well, since you've made your damn mind up about it, 954 00:43:17,465 --> 00:43:21,102 then I, Damocles of the Beavermen, 955 00:43:21,135 --> 00:43:24,539 do hereby swear by the eternal Morning Wood 956 00:43:24,573 --> 00:43:27,108 that you, Astro Blaster of Earth, 957 00:43:27,141 --> 00:43:31,546 are the bravest damn hero in the damn galaxy. 958 00:43:31,580 --> 00:43:34,715 Where I'm from, there's a name for people like that. 959 00:43:35,749 --> 00:43:37,151 They're called Americans. 960 00:43:38,452 --> 00:43:41,722 Van Halen cover band! 961 00:43:41,755 --> 00:43:44,191 I'm gonna wake up Belly. The movie's almost over, 962 00:43:44,225 --> 00:43:46,894 so he's gotta go hide in the bathroom before the lights come up. 963 00:43:50,764 --> 00:43:52,399 Get off my bacon! 964 00:43:52,433 --> 00:43:54,635 - Nobody's after your bacon. - [Brian sighs] 965 00:43:54,668 --> 00:43:56,971 Go hide in the bathroom, meet us in Dental School. 966 00:43:57,004 --> 00:43:58,772 But then I'll miss the end of the movie. 967 00:43:58,806 --> 00:44:01,375 So? You already slept through half of it anyways. 968 00:44:01,408 --> 00:44:02,776 Now go. 969 00:44:02,810 --> 00:44:04,579 And don't let Manager Mike see you. 970 00:44:07,248 --> 00:44:08,315 Stealth. 971 00:44:11,252 --> 00:44:13,654 [chuckles] I love this part. Look. 972 00:44:13,687 --> 00:44:17,458 A drummer always does it for the beaver. 973 00:44:17,491 --> 00:44:21,162 [flushing] 974 00:44:21,195 --> 00:44:22,496 [door opens] 975 00:44:22,531 --> 00:44:24,633 [indistinct chatter] 976 00:44:24,665 --> 00:44:26,467 [door creaks, closes] 977 00:44:39,847 --> 00:44:44,051 [chuckling] 978 00:44:52,159 --> 00:44:53,727 "Sex poo." 979 00:45:03,871 --> 00:45:05,272 [belt buckle jingling] 980 00:45:05,306 --> 00:45:07,808 [Belly gasping, panting] 981 00:45:07,841 --> 00:45:09,343 For the beaver! 982 00:45:09,376 --> 00:45:10,945 ♪ Astro Blaster! ♪ 983 00:45:10,978 --> 00:45:13,814 - [yells] Van Halen! - ♪ And the Beavermen, aah ♪ 984 00:45:13,847 --> 00:45:17,652 - [music continues] - Van Halen! Van Halen! 985 00:45:20,020 --> 00:45:22,423 Why do we always have to sit through these stupid credits? 986 00:45:23,592 --> 00:45:25,627 Remember when we saw Young Sherlock Holmes? 987 00:45:25,660 --> 00:45:27,861 And at the end of the credits they had one more scene? 988 00:45:27,895 --> 00:45:29,830 That was one in a million movies, 989 00:45:29,863 --> 00:45:31,332 and that flick flopped. 990 00:45:31,365 --> 00:45:33,033 So they're never gonna be doing an after-credits scene 991 00:45:33,067 --> 00:45:34,435 in a movie ever again. 992 00:45:36,303 --> 00:45:38,372 See? Waste of time. 993 00:45:41,275 --> 00:45:42,743 We're going for snacks? 994 00:45:42,776 --> 00:45:44,745 - What if Manager Mike sees us? - Screw that guy. 995 00:45:44,778 --> 00:45:46,681 He's probably porkin' the popcorn. 996 00:45:46,715 --> 00:45:49,551 Huh? Bopping your baloney in a public bathroom?! 997 00:45:49,584 --> 00:45:50,918 Open the door, Tommy. 998 00:45:50,951 --> 00:45:53,887 Mashing your monkey?! Noodling your nugget?! 999 00:45:53,921 --> 00:45:56,190 You are banned for life, playboy. 1000 00:45:56,223 --> 00:45:57,791 You disgust me! 1001 00:46:00,261 --> 00:46:02,530 Masturbating in a public area 1002 00:46:02,564 --> 00:46:05,199 is only fun for one person. 1003 00:46:06,133 --> 00:46:07,401 Write that down, Philip. 1004 00:46:13,907 --> 00:46:15,776 [no audio] 1005 00:46:19,046 --> 00:46:20,447 [muffled] Meet me out back. 1006 00:46:22,483 --> 00:46:24,084 Meet me out back... 1007 00:46:24,118 --> 00:46:25,587 again. 1008 00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:33,227 Enjoy the movie. 1009 00:46:35,563 --> 00:46:36,964 Dick. 1010 00:46:36,997 --> 00:46:38,533 [scoffs] Hi. 1011 00:46:38,566 --> 00:46:40,968 Go away, little girl. This movie's rated R. 1012 00:46:41,736 --> 00:46:45,372 I know. I just wanted to ask a question. 1013 00:46:45,406 --> 00:46:47,107 Why are you talking to me? No one talks to me. 1014 00:46:47,141 --> 00:46:48,510 Yeah, b-but, I mean, but you-- 1015 00:46:48,543 --> 00:46:50,110 Is it awesome to work here? 1016 00:46:50,144 --> 00:46:53,213 Is it awesome to work here? No, it sucks to work here. 1017 00:46:53,247 --> 00:46:54,716 But you get to see all the movies. 1018 00:46:54,749 --> 00:46:57,318 Movies suck. This movie sucks. 1019 00:46:57,351 --> 00:46:59,119 Half the town and their mother is here. 1020 00:46:59,153 --> 00:47:01,922 Which is fine, 'cause Americans have no taste. 1021 00:47:01,955 --> 00:47:04,626 You know why? 'Cause Americans have no future. 1022 00:47:04,659 --> 00:47:06,460 America sucks. 1023 00:47:06,493 --> 00:47:09,597 Now, please, run along. Change your diaper. 1024 00:47:09,631 --> 00:47:11,999 - We don't have a future? [stammers] - What are you doing? 1025 00:47:12,032 --> 00:47:13,967 - Don't-- [stammers] - What's going on with your hands? 1026 00:47:14,001 --> 00:47:15,670 - Why do you think America sucks? - You're being really jumpy. 1027 00:47:15,704 --> 00:47:17,971 - Since-since when? - Why are you coming so close to me? 1028 00:47:18,005 --> 00:47:19,507 Haven't you even seen The Day After? 1029 00:47:20,542 --> 00:47:22,976 If Russia decides to nuke us, we're done. 1030 00:47:23,010 --> 00:47:26,413 Kaput. Kentucky fried chickens. [exhales] 1031 00:47:26,447 --> 00:47:28,817 And I actually welcome it. I say bring it. 1032 00:47:28,849 --> 00:47:32,486 Take me now, so I never have to see Dental School ever again. 1033 00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:33,854 You don't like Dental School? 1034 00:47:33,887 --> 00:47:35,590 I've never actually seen it. 1035 00:47:35,623 --> 00:47:37,925 I just hear it all day and night. 1036 00:47:37,958 --> 00:47:40,361 You're pulling your pud in public? 1037 00:47:40,394 --> 00:47:43,631 Public masturbation is only ever fun for one person 1038 00:47:43,665 --> 00:47:45,633 - at a time. - Shut up! 1039 00:47:48,837 --> 00:47:51,238 [dramatic music] 1040 00:47:53,708 --> 00:47:55,710 I mean, if Gorby gets a hot trigger finger, 1041 00:47:55,744 --> 00:47:58,513 we are Canadian bacon over here in America. 1042 00:47:58,546 --> 00:48:00,782 Just crushed. 1043 00:48:00,815 --> 00:48:03,852 Isn't there a shield or something? 1044 00:48:03,884 --> 00:48:06,220 [scoffs] A shield? 1045 00:48:06,253 --> 00:48:08,122 You know anything about Star Wars? 1046 00:48:08,155 --> 00:48:09,791 I know everything about Star Wars. 1047 00:48:09,824 --> 00:48:11,559 You do? So then you know everything 1048 00:48:11,593 --> 00:48:13,862 about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, 1049 00:48:13,894 --> 00:48:15,195 the Star Wars program? 1050 00:48:16,564 --> 00:48:19,834 Oh, um, what? I thought you meant-- 1051 00:48:19,868 --> 00:48:22,704 Oh, oh, you thought I meant that excruciating space opera. 1052 00:48:22,737 --> 00:48:25,740 No, thank you. You know, I thank our nonexistent God every day 1053 00:48:25,774 --> 00:48:28,175 that there will never be another Star Wars movie made. 1054 00:48:28,208 --> 00:48:30,978 We're-- we're at the end of Star Wars. 1055 00:48:31,011 --> 00:48:33,848 You know what I mean? W-what would they do next? 1056 00:48:33,882 --> 00:48:36,917 Go back and start telling us episode one, two, and three? 1057 00:48:36,950 --> 00:48:38,352 Can you imagine if they were like, 1058 00:48:38,385 --> 00:48:40,154 "Let's break it up into little TV series"? 1059 00:48:40,187 --> 00:48:41,556 Pfft. Yeah, right! 1060 00:48:41,589 --> 00:48:44,559 I mean, you gotta be out of your mind. [laughs] 1061 00:48:44,592 --> 00:48:47,094 Like, "We wanna follow some side stories 1062 00:48:47,127 --> 00:48:48,696 of small characters." 1063 00:48:48,730 --> 00:48:50,899 Like, "Oh, I wonder what Boba Fett's doing. 1064 00:48:50,931 --> 00:48:52,199 I wanna invest my time in that." 1065 00:48:52,232 --> 00:48:54,268 Get out of here! [laughs] 1066 00:48:54,301 --> 00:48:57,672 I don't care about that stuff! I don't even like Star Wars. 1067 00:48:57,705 --> 00:48:58,972 Gotta go! 1068 00:48:59,908 --> 00:49:01,275 What an asshole. 1069 00:49:01,308 --> 00:49:02,677 I need you to clean the men's room. 1070 00:49:02,710 --> 00:49:04,445 Somebody took a shit in a urinal. 1071 00:49:07,114 --> 00:49:09,049 "Somebody" or you, Mike? 1072 00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:14,955 - [panting] - Hmm... 1073 00:49:14,988 --> 00:49:16,423 [Burny chuckles] Oh. 1074 00:49:18,158 --> 00:49:20,294 Uh, what happened? I had him distracted. 1075 00:49:20,327 --> 00:49:23,030 The place was packed. There's only one seat open. 1076 00:49:23,063 --> 00:49:27,034 Because of you and Melody, now we can't even see Dental School! 1077 00:49:27,067 --> 00:49:28,770 You don't hear Belly belly-aching. 1078 00:49:28,803 --> 00:49:29,970 Because Belly's an idiot. 1079 00:49:30,003 --> 00:49:31,539 No more bacon for Burny. 1080 00:49:31,573 --> 00:49:34,274 So? Do you think I give a shit? 1081 00:49:34,308 --> 00:49:35,777 [girl] Hey! 1082 00:49:35,810 --> 00:49:38,412 You just said "shit" in front of my little sister. 1083 00:49:38,445 --> 00:49:39,714 She's only six. 1084 00:49:39,747 --> 00:49:41,048 [scoffs] 1085 00:49:41,081 --> 00:49:43,918 Get out of my face, four eyes. 1086 00:49:43,952 --> 00:49:46,053 Hey! What are you-- Let go of me! 1087 00:49:46,086 --> 00:49:49,456 - [girls screaming] - Ow! Stop! Get 'em off of me! 1088 00:49:49,490 --> 00:49:52,159 - [girls screeching] - [Burny yelling] 1089 00:49:52,192 --> 00:49:54,796 Boys, boys, boys. 1090 00:49:54,829 --> 00:49:56,163 [tense music plays] 1091 00:49:56,196 --> 00:49:57,464 In the words of the tagline 1092 00:49:57,498 --> 00:49:59,266 from the Commando poster, 1093 00:49:59,299 --> 00:50:03,738 "Somewhere, somehow, someone's going to pay". 1094 00:50:03,771 --> 00:50:05,072 [chuckles] 1095 00:50:05,105 --> 00:50:07,775 What's wrong with you? Get out! Get-- get out! 1096 00:50:07,809 --> 00:50:09,009 [Brian grunts] 1097 00:50:09,042 --> 00:50:11,278 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1098 00:50:11,311 --> 00:50:13,581 [screams] Suck my left nut! 1099 00:50:13,615 --> 00:50:14,883 Not today. 1100 00:50:16,784 --> 00:50:19,119 - [door closes] - [yells furiously] 1101 00:50:20,955 --> 00:50:22,322 - [growls] - Burny, wait! 1102 00:50:22,356 --> 00:50:24,291 - [growls] - [footsteps tap] 1103 00:50:24,324 --> 00:50:26,493 Stop holding hands! 1104 00:50:26,528 --> 00:50:28,362 Where are you going? We gotta fix this! 1105 00:50:28,395 --> 00:50:29,631 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1106 00:50:29,664 --> 00:50:30,832 Because of you two, 1107 00:50:30,865 --> 00:50:32,499 I just got the shit kicked out of me 1108 00:50:32,534 --> 00:50:34,101 by three little girls. 1109 00:50:34,134 --> 00:50:35,970 Who cares? We just got banned for life! 1110 00:50:36,004 --> 00:50:37,672 Yeah. Like Danny Banks. 1111 00:50:37,705 --> 00:50:40,307 How am I supposed to take Melody to see Bucklick now? 1112 00:50:40,340 --> 00:50:42,476 Melody? Melody, Melody, Melody! 1113 00:50:42,510 --> 00:50:44,044 Man, this is all her fault! 1114 00:50:44,077 --> 00:50:46,446 How? She's not even here! 1115 00:50:46,480 --> 00:50:49,383 'Cause ever since you asked her to come to the movies with us, 1116 00:50:49,416 --> 00:50:51,485 we've been moving everything around for her, 1117 00:50:51,519 --> 00:50:52,954 and now we're banned for life. 1118 00:50:52,987 --> 00:50:55,322 [scoffs] We're banned because you picked a fight 1119 00:50:55,355 --> 00:50:56,791 - with a nine-year-old! - Bullshit! 1120 00:50:56,824 --> 00:50:59,459 We would be in that theater right now 1121 00:50:59,493 --> 00:51:01,194 watching Bucklick, 1122 00:51:01,228 --> 00:51:04,064 but you had to invite Melody! 1123 00:51:04,097 --> 00:51:05,967 Holy shit, what? What the hell 1124 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,335 is your obsession with Melody Barnegat? 1125 00:51:08,368 --> 00:51:11,706 You're the one obsessed with Melody Barnegat! 1126 00:51:11,739 --> 00:51:13,741 We just gotta deal with it. 1127 00:51:13,775 --> 00:51:16,911 - Deal with what?! - That she's a goddamn sophomore! 1128 00:51:16,945 --> 00:51:19,479 Who cares? Big whoop! We're goddamn juniors! 1129 00:51:19,514 --> 00:51:22,082 But we're gonna be seniors in September, Bri. 1130 00:51:22,115 --> 00:51:25,019 And then you'll be all like, "Oh, Melody's a stupid junior. 1131 00:51:25,053 --> 00:51:28,590 - Doodly doodly doo!" - No, no, no. Don't-- Don't "doodly doo" me, okay? 1132 00:51:28,623 --> 00:51:30,058 You're the one that's trying to make out 1133 00:51:30,123 --> 00:51:31,759 with this little Ewok-looking bitch! 1134 00:51:33,928 --> 00:51:34,996 What are you doing? 1135 00:51:35,029 --> 00:51:36,163 What the hell are you doing? 1136 00:51:36,196 --> 00:51:38,866 - We're gonna fight. - Oh, yeah. 1137 00:51:38,900 --> 00:51:40,535 - We're gonna fight? - Yeah, we're gonna fight! 1138 00:51:40,568 --> 00:51:43,905 I'm tired of you making fun of Melody, okay? 1139 00:51:43,938 --> 00:51:45,673 So put up your dukes. 1140 00:51:45,707 --> 00:51:47,909 Put up my dukes. [laughs] 1141 00:51:47,942 --> 00:51:51,079 If I put up one of my dukes, I will kill you. 1142 00:51:51,111 --> 00:51:53,447 Come on, guys. Friends don't fight. 1143 00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:56,884 Friends?! You call this friendship? 1144 00:51:56,918 --> 00:51:59,053 He cares about his stupid truck 1145 00:51:59,087 --> 00:52:01,089 more than he cares about my feelings! 1146 00:52:02,289 --> 00:52:04,659 So let's go. Let's go! 1147 00:52:05,893 --> 00:52:06,995 Fight me. I dare you. 1148 00:52:08,963 --> 00:52:11,431 I don't fight midgets. 1149 00:52:11,465 --> 00:52:13,200 - [punch lands] - [onlookers shout] 1150 00:52:13,233 --> 00:52:15,036 [breathing shakily] 1151 00:52:15,069 --> 00:52:16,604 You do now. 1152 00:52:16,638 --> 00:52:19,373 - You stupid-- - [woman] Hey! 1153 00:52:19,406 --> 00:52:21,475 [Belly] Hey! Guys! Hey, hey! 1154 00:52:21,509 --> 00:52:23,811 Guys, stop it. Stop it! 1155 00:52:23,845 --> 00:52:26,080 - [grunting] - Stop! Stop, stop it! 1156 00:52:26,114 --> 00:52:27,381 Stop it! 1157 00:52:27,414 --> 00:52:30,283 Burny is not obsessed with Melody Barnegat. 1158 00:52:30,317 --> 00:52:31,552 Thank you, Bells. 1159 00:52:31,586 --> 00:52:32,754 He's threatened by her. 1160 00:52:32,787 --> 00:52:33,921 W-What? 1161 00:52:33,955 --> 00:52:35,288 Why the hell would I be threatened 1162 00:52:35,322 --> 00:52:36,924 by that little carpenter's dream? 1163 00:52:36,958 --> 00:52:38,926 She's as flat as a board and as easy to nail. 1164 00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:41,729 - No, she's not! - Knock it off. 1165 00:52:41,763 --> 00:52:43,831 Can't you see Brian idolizes you? 1166 00:52:43,865 --> 00:52:46,100 Idolize Burn Boy? Oh, I do not. 1167 00:52:46,134 --> 00:52:47,434 Oh, yes, you do. 1168 00:52:47,467 --> 00:52:49,103 You look up to him because he's confident, 1169 00:52:49,137 --> 00:52:50,571 which is something you can never be, 1170 00:52:50,605 --> 00:52:51,773 because you think you're too short. 1171 00:52:51,806 --> 00:52:53,074 He is too short. 1172 00:52:53,107 --> 00:52:54,408 He should be looking at the sky, 1173 00:52:54,441 --> 00:52:56,778 saying "Da plane! Da plane!" 1174 00:52:57,477 --> 00:52:59,179 - Do something! - Hey, hey, hey, hey! 1175 00:52:59,212 --> 00:53:00,682 Burny, you keep running down his dream 1176 00:53:00,715 --> 00:53:02,182 about dating Melody Barnegat, 1177 00:53:02,215 --> 00:53:03,350 all threatened by the girl, 1178 00:53:03,383 --> 00:53:04,952 just because Brian is in love with her. 1179 00:53:04,986 --> 00:53:07,487 Whoa, I never said I was in love with Melody Barnegat. 1180 00:53:07,522 --> 00:53:09,624 Uh, well, you are. 1181 00:53:09,657 --> 00:53:11,258 You've been talking about her since last summer 1182 00:53:11,291 --> 00:53:13,127 'cause she makes you feel good about yourself. 1183 00:53:13,161 --> 00:53:15,029 She makes you forget that you think you're short. 1184 00:53:15,063 --> 00:53:16,631 He is short. He's a four-foot freak. 1185 00:53:16,664 --> 00:53:19,299 - Oh, and you're a control freak. - Yeah! 1186 00:53:19,332 --> 00:53:21,268 So you're afraid Brian's gonna start spending 1187 00:53:21,301 --> 00:53:23,538 all his time with Melody instead of you. 1188 00:53:23,571 --> 00:53:25,305 Yeah, but you can't admit that to yourself 1189 00:53:25,338 --> 00:53:26,874 because you think being a man 1190 00:53:26,908 --> 00:53:28,676 means being tough like Major Murder. 1191 00:53:29,977 --> 00:53:31,612 What's tougher than fighting your friend 1192 00:53:31,646 --> 00:53:32,880 over the woman you love? 1193 00:53:34,816 --> 00:53:36,818 I know you guys think I'm dumb or something, 1194 00:53:36,851 --> 00:53:38,720 but I am not dumb. 1195 00:53:38,753 --> 00:53:40,487 Okay, I just don't talk as much as the two of you 1196 00:53:40,521 --> 00:53:42,190 since you guys never shut the hell up! 1197 00:53:43,091 --> 00:53:44,291 Ah. 1198 00:53:44,324 --> 00:53:45,793 So that gives me a lot of time to listen, 1199 00:53:45,827 --> 00:53:48,796 and... in all the years I've been listening, 1200 00:53:48,830 --> 00:53:50,330 here's what I've learned. 1201 00:53:50,363 --> 00:53:51,999 You know movies. 1202 00:53:53,433 --> 00:53:54,969 You know women. 1203 00:53:55,002 --> 00:53:56,504 Yeah, I do. 1204 00:53:56,537 --> 00:53:58,405 But I know you guys 1205 00:53:58,438 --> 00:54:01,175 better than the two of you know yourselves. 1206 00:54:01,209 --> 00:54:05,680 So it's time for you to stop looking for Burny's approval on everything. 1207 00:54:05,713 --> 00:54:08,381 It's time for you to start letting Brian be his own man. 1208 00:54:08,415 --> 00:54:11,152 [scoffs] By all means. 1209 00:54:11,185 --> 00:54:13,554 And it's time both of you assholes apologize to me 1210 00:54:13,588 --> 00:54:15,223 for making fun of my mom's bacon 1211 00:54:15,255 --> 00:54:17,424 even though you ate the shit out of it all day! 1212 00:54:19,359 --> 00:54:20,260 You're right. 1213 00:54:34,075 --> 00:54:36,077 Eh... [scoffs] 1214 00:54:42,884 --> 00:54:45,219 Come on. Burny. 1215 00:54:45,253 --> 00:54:46,521 You're adults! 1216 00:54:46,554 --> 00:54:48,156 Stop touching each other! 1217 00:54:50,925 --> 00:54:53,127 [mellow pop music playing] 1218 00:55:20,154 --> 00:55:22,156 [music continues] 1219 00:55:31,032 --> 00:55:32,667 [vehicle approaching] 1220 00:55:39,874 --> 00:55:42,109 [motorcycle engine stops] 1221 00:56:00,027 --> 00:56:02,630 Hey-- hey, excuse me? Excuse me? 1222 00:56:02,663 --> 00:56:04,131 Oh, excuse me! 1223 00:56:04,165 --> 00:56:06,433 Holy shit, it is you! 1224 00:56:06,466 --> 00:56:08,002 You're-- you're Major Murder. 1225 00:56:08,736 --> 00:56:10,304 [in character] At ease, ya sleaze. 1226 00:56:10,338 --> 00:56:11,839 I-I-- I'm your biggest fan. I gotta be honest. 1227 00:56:11,873 --> 00:56:13,107 Um, I know all your fights. 1228 00:56:13,140 --> 00:56:15,710 That's a major thank you from Major Murder. 1229 00:56:15,743 --> 00:56:18,145 But, uh, I'm here to see someone really special. 1230 00:56:19,213 --> 00:56:21,315 [bird squawking] 1231 00:56:22,650 --> 00:56:24,652 Ahh. Is that your daughter? 1232 00:56:24,685 --> 00:56:26,954 [drops character] My daughter? It's my wife. 1233 00:56:26,988 --> 00:56:30,758 [stammers] I'm sorry, she just looks a lot younger than you... 1234 00:56:30,791 --> 00:56:32,193 That's depressing. 1235 00:56:32,226 --> 00:56:33,995 Do I really look that much older than her? 1236 00:56:34,028 --> 00:56:36,197 - Uh... - Just-- Must be all the steroids, 1237 00:56:36,230 --> 00:56:38,633 'cause Rosie and I went to high school together. 1238 00:56:38,666 --> 00:56:40,868 We started dating when I was a junior and she was a sophomore. 1239 00:56:40,902 --> 00:56:43,537 All my pals used to razz me about her being younger. 1240 00:56:43,571 --> 00:56:46,974 Ha. I-I'm sure you Major Murdered those guys, huh? 1241 00:56:47,008 --> 00:56:48,876 Actually, I just cried a lot. 1242 00:56:48,910 --> 00:56:51,012 I may not look like it now, but back in high school, 1243 00:56:51,045 --> 00:56:53,214 I was a very sensitive fat kid. 1244 00:56:53,247 --> 00:56:56,183 - Bullshit. - No, no, real shit. 1245 00:56:56,217 --> 00:56:57,718 You know, my name's Albert, 1246 00:56:57,752 --> 00:56:59,320 so I'd get called Fat Albert 1247 00:56:59,353 --> 00:57:01,322 because of the cartoon? [laughs] 1248 00:57:01,355 --> 00:57:02,890 Ah, Bill Cosby. 1249 00:57:02,924 --> 00:57:04,358 Now that's an American treasure. 1250 00:57:04,392 --> 00:57:06,060 [chuckles] Ah, 1251 00:57:06,093 --> 00:57:08,696 that man will always be beloved. 1252 00:57:08,729 --> 00:57:10,097 So you know, back in high school, 1253 00:57:10,131 --> 00:57:12,033 I was always very sensitive about my weight. 1254 00:57:12,066 --> 00:57:14,402 But Rosie... 1255 00:57:14,434 --> 00:57:16,570 she always made me forget I was fat. 1256 00:57:16,604 --> 00:57:18,706 She always made me feel like I was thin. 1257 00:57:18,739 --> 00:57:20,741 So you made her Mrs. Major Murder? 1258 00:57:20,775 --> 00:57:23,177 Well, actually, Mrs. Albert Holstein. 1259 00:57:23,210 --> 00:57:25,680 Major Murder's real name is Albert Holstein? 1260 00:57:25,713 --> 00:57:28,783 Yeah. Uh, and a Holstein is a kind of cow? 1261 00:57:28,816 --> 00:57:30,217 So, uh, you know, 1262 00:57:30,251 --> 00:57:32,420 in high school, there was a lot of, uh, cow names. 1263 00:57:32,452 --> 00:57:34,755 - Cow names? - Yeah, like, 1264 00:57:34,789 --> 00:57:38,458 the Moo Man, you know, Mr. Steak, Udder Buddy. 1265 00:57:38,491 --> 00:57:39,894 You know, I'd get Hugh Heifer. 1266 00:57:41,095 --> 00:57:43,463 I'd get, uh, Pasture Ass. 1267 00:57:43,496 --> 00:57:45,533 I-I'd get Milky Tits. 1268 00:57:45,566 --> 00:57:47,401 Cow Pie. 1269 00:57:47,435 --> 00:57:50,438 Yeah, just a lot of cow-themed cruelty. 1270 00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:51,906 [Burny smacks lips] Ah. 1271 00:57:57,511 --> 00:57:59,680 - Hey. Thanks for being a fan. - [shakes hand] 1272 00:57:59,714 --> 00:58:02,183 And, uh, please don't tell anybody how I really talk. 1273 00:58:03,517 --> 00:58:05,152 Uh, or about the cow names. 1274 00:58:05,186 --> 00:58:08,823 [military music plays] 1275 00:58:11,359 --> 00:58:12,460 Yo, Major. 1276 00:58:14,161 --> 00:58:17,331 You gonna go storm those cheeks like it's Omaha Beach? 1277 00:58:17,365 --> 00:58:19,233 [in character] If you have to ask, 1278 00:58:19,266 --> 00:58:22,036 then you ain't up to the task, soldier! 1279 00:58:24,372 --> 00:58:27,408 ♪♪ 1280 00:58:27,441 --> 00:58:28,442 [chuckles] 1281 00:58:48,462 --> 00:58:49,697 [sighs deeply] 1282 00:58:54,869 --> 00:58:55,970 [lighter flicks] 1283 00:59:01,308 --> 00:59:02,511 [exhales] 1284 00:59:10,651 --> 00:59:12,386 What are you doing back here? 1285 00:59:12,420 --> 00:59:14,655 Your ass is banned. 1286 00:59:14,688 --> 00:59:16,724 Which means my life is pretty much over. 1287 00:59:18,859 --> 00:59:21,195 So I'm just thinking about hurling myself down the stairs. 1288 00:59:22,563 --> 00:59:24,265 Who are you, Father Karras? 1289 00:59:26,867 --> 00:59:28,803 Is that an Exorcist joke? 1290 00:59:28,836 --> 00:59:31,172 Well, it's not an Exorcist II: The Heretic joke. 1291 00:59:31,205 --> 00:59:32,840 I respect John Boorman too much. 1292 00:59:34,543 --> 00:59:36,043 You know who John Boorman is? 1293 00:59:38,045 --> 00:59:43,050 Anáil nathrach orth bhais betha, do cheol déanta. 1294 00:59:44,752 --> 00:59:46,187 Holy shit. 1295 00:59:51,959 --> 00:59:53,194 The Charm of Making. 1296 00:59:54,529 --> 00:59:55,496 You've seen Excalibur? 1297 00:59:55,530 --> 00:59:58,032 You think I make $3.05 an hour 1298 00:59:58,065 --> 00:59:59,934 because I can't get a real job? 1299 00:59:59,967 --> 01:00:02,002 Movies are my life, dude. 1300 01:00:02,036 --> 01:00:03,538 That's why you work here. 1301 01:00:03,572 --> 01:00:05,706 No. That's why I'm leaving here. 1302 01:00:05,739 --> 01:00:07,542 I'm moving to Providence next week. 1303 01:00:07,576 --> 01:00:08,909 What's in Providence? 1304 01:00:09,777 --> 01:00:12,246 I'm gonna the Rhode Island School of Design, 1305 01:00:12,279 --> 01:00:13,714 like Martha Coolidge. 1306 01:00:13,747 --> 01:00:16,350 Martha Coolidge, the director? 1307 01:00:16,383 --> 01:00:18,686 Yeah. You know who Martha Coolidge is? 1308 01:00:18,719 --> 01:00:20,688 Yeah. Movies are my life too. 1309 01:00:20,721 --> 01:00:22,256 Valley Girl is in my top ten. 1310 01:00:22,289 --> 01:00:24,091 That guy, Nic Cage, is a genius. 1311 01:00:24,125 --> 01:00:25,560 - Yeah. - Have you seen Birdy? 1312 01:00:25,594 --> 01:00:27,795 Oh, yeah, I've seen every Alan Parker film. 1313 01:00:27,828 --> 01:00:29,598 You know who Alan Parker is? 1314 01:00:29,630 --> 01:00:33,367 Duh. Fame and The Wall are so rad. 1315 01:00:33,400 --> 01:00:36,403 But Martha Coolidge, man, she's my idol. 1316 01:00:36,437 --> 01:00:38,205 I wanna be a director like her. 1317 01:00:38,239 --> 01:00:39,940 This is-- This is so cool, uh, 1318 01:00:39,974 --> 01:00:42,443 I've never met anyone who wanted to be a director before. 1319 01:00:43,410 --> 01:00:44,945 Sure you have. 1320 01:00:44,979 --> 01:00:46,247 Just look in the mirror. 1321 01:00:48,949 --> 01:00:49,850 Me? 1322 01:00:50,619 --> 01:00:52,820 A-a director? Nah. 1323 01:00:52,853 --> 01:00:54,655 I just-- I just love going to the movies. 1324 01:00:54,688 --> 01:00:56,757 Yeah, man, that's how it starts. 1325 01:00:58,627 --> 01:01:00,794 Most people come to movies to escape their lives, 1326 01:01:00,828 --> 01:01:02,930 but people like us, 1327 01:01:02,963 --> 01:01:06,635 we come here because movies make life make sense. 1328 01:01:07,868 --> 01:01:10,838 Out here, man, world's full of lies. 1329 01:01:11,705 --> 01:01:15,442 But in there, they tell the lie that tells the truth. 1330 01:01:15,476 --> 01:01:18,045 And the truth about you and me is we're filmmakers. 1331 01:01:20,114 --> 01:01:21,916 We just haven't made our films. 1332 01:01:21,949 --> 01:01:23,417 [exhales] 1333 01:01:23,450 --> 01:01:24,485 Yet. 1334 01:01:24,519 --> 01:01:26,555 [soft music plays] 1335 01:01:33,027 --> 01:01:34,695 [door locks] 1336 01:01:34,728 --> 01:01:35,729 "Yet." 1337 01:01:40,067 --> 01:01:43,070 [bright music playing] 1338 01:01:55,249 --> 01:01:56,383 Whoa. 1339 01:01:56,417 --> 01:02:02,356 [saxophone solo plays] 1340 01:02:03,924 --> 01:02:05,359 That girl's real, right? 1341 01:02:07,494 --> 01:02:08,563 Thanks. 1342 01:02:13,901 --> 01:02:15,970 Hi, Melody Barnegat. 1343 01:02:16,003 --> 01:02:17,871 Hi, Brian David. 1344 01:02:19,006 --> 01:02:20,542 You look... 1345 01:02:20,575 --> 01:02:22,176 resplendent. 1346 01:02:22,209 --> 01:02:25,580 "Resplendent"? Okay, Doctor Dictionary. 1347 01:02:27,181 --> 01:02:28,882 - Let's go see Bucklick. - Uh... 1348 01:02:29,850 --> 01:02:32,019 I-I don't think we can get in. 1349 01:02:32,052 --> 01:02:33,287 Because it's rated R? 1350 01:02:34,855 --> 01:02:36,957 Well, more because I got banned. 1351 01:02:38,125 --> 01:02:40,794 Oh, my God. Like Danny Banks? 1352 01:02:42,229 --> 01:02:43,364 Kinda. 1353 01:02:43,397 --> 01:02:45,065 So, how are we gonna see Bucklick? 1354 01:02:50,371 --> 01:02:51,573 I have an idea. 1355 01:02:59,213 --> 01:03:00,281 [door closes] 1356 01:03:02,082 --> 01:03:04,653 Huh. Strathmore Cinema City. 1357 01:03:05,587 --> 01:03:06,954 Give me a second. 1358 01:03:07,788 --> 01:03:08,789 Okay. 1359 01:03:12,826 --> 01:03:15,229 Excuse me, Manager Mike. 1360 01:03:15,262 --> 01:03:17,097 Oh, oh. 1361 01:03:17,131 --> 01:03:19,466 Little kid I just banned. Hi. 1362 01:03:19,500 --> 01:03:21,636 I wanted to ask you about that. 1363 01:03:21,670 --> 01:03:22,970 Mm-hmm? 1364 01:03:23,003 --> 01:03:26,307 I know me and my friends were obnoxious today. 1365 01:03:27,975 --> 01:03:31,145 But I stand here before you as a man... 1366 01:03:31,178 --> 01:03:32,747 Wow. 1367 01:03:32,781 --> 01:03:34,081 ...to beg you to lift the ban. 1368 01:03:34,114 --> 01:03:35,617 And why would I do that? 1369 01:03:36,618 --> 01:03:38,252 You see that girl? 1370 01:03:38,285 --> 01:03:40,254 - Yeah. - That's Melody Barnegat. 1371 01:03:42,022 --> 01:03:43,957 The raddest woman I ever met. 1372 01:03:45,492 --> 01:03:48,896 And last summer, I was too scared to ask her out. 1373 01:03:48,929 --> 01:03:52,266 But this morning, I invited her to the movies 1374 01:03:52,299 --> 01:03:55,235 at your theater, and... and she said "yes." 1375 01:03:55,269 --> 01:03:56,337 Congratulations. 1376 01:03:57,838 --> 01:03:59,641 This could be the greatest night of my life. 1377 01:04:01,375 --> 01:04:03,143 Please lift the ban this one time 1378 01:04:03,177 --> 01:04:04,813 so we can go to the movies. I mean, 1379 01:04:04,845 --> 01:04:07,782 it'd mean everything to me, and-and I'll do anything. 1380 01:04:07,816 --> 01:04:10,150 I'll-I'll even work here for free or-or something. 1381 01:04:11,553 --> 01:04:13,987 Please, sir. 1382 01:04:15,389 --> 01:04:16,558 What do you say? 1383 01:04:19,627 --> 01:04:21,428 Tsk. What do I say? 1384 01:04:21,462 --> 01:04:24,532 Well, when you put it like that... 1385 01:04:24,566 --> 01:04:27,301 I say, Munchkins from the merry old land of Oz 1386 01:04:27,334 --> 01:04:29,136 belong on the movie screen, 1387 01:04:29,169 --> 01:04:31,706 not in my movie theater. 1388 01:04:34,241 --> 01:04:37,579 [laughs] 1389 01:04:37,612 --> 01:04:41,014 Hey. Hey, listen up, loser. 1390 01:04:41,048 --> 01:04:44,151 You know, you got a lot of balls calling this guy Munchkin 1391 01:04:44,184 --> 01:04:46,053 when you're short as shit yourself. 1392 01:04:46,086 --> 01:04:48,155 [onlookers gasp, laugh] 1393 01:04:48,188 --> 01:04:50,592 Wow. Tsk. Wow. 1394 01:04:52,192 --> 01:04:54,228 You remind me of my daughter. 1395 01:04:55,597 --> 01:04:58,867 I hate my daughter. 1396 01:04:58,899 --> 01:05:01,569 And you got a lot of nerve 1397 01:05:01,603 --> 01:05:04,171 talking to me like that, Minnie Mouse. 1398 01:05:04,204 --> 01:05:07,374 I'm in the movie business. I talk to studios. 1399 01:05:07,408 --> 01:05:10,645 So, you're just a little kid 1400 01:05:10,678 --> 01:05:14,381 who looks like a daughter that I can't stand. 1401 01:05:14,415 --> 01:05:15,884 So what do you know? 1402 01:05:17,017 --> 01:05:20,855 I know you don't know shit about the movie business. 1403 01:05:20,889 --> 01:05:22,990 Because if you did, you wouldn't act like such a poser 1404 01:05:23,023 --> 01:05:25,627 and drive around in your stupid-looking Moviemobile. 1405 01:05:26,260 --> 01:05:28,996 - Okay? - He's not a Munchkin. 1406 01:05:29,029 --> 01:05:30,899 He's a nice guy. 1407 01:05:30,931 --> 01:05:33,868 Something you don't understand at all because you are an asshole. 1408 01:05:33,902 --> 01:05:36,905 [laughter, applause] 1409 01:05:40,742 --> 01:05:42,744 Well, let me tell you something, little girl. 1410 01:05:42,777 --> 01:05:46,113 Now you're banned, for life too! 1411 01:05:46,146 --> 01:05:48,783 You and Bilbo Baggins here 1412 01:05:48,817 --> 01:05:51,952 are never getting inside my movie theater ever again. 1413 01:05:51,985 --> 01:05:55,723 - [patrons jeering] - Clap to that! Clap to that. 1414 01:05:57,257 --> 01:05:59,661 [outside horn honking] 1415 01:06:01,830 --> 01:06:06,133 [horn honking louder] 1416 01:06:10,337 --> 01:06:11,506 [yells] 1417 01:06:15,342 --> 01:06:16,711 Ahh! Oh, my God! 1418 01:06:16,744 --> 01:06:18,746 - [steam hissing] - Oh, my...! 1419 01:06:18,780 --> 01:06:22,884 Ahh! [yells] My Moviemobile! 1420 01:06:22,917 --> 01:06:24,251 No! 1421 01:06:25,252 --> 01:06:26,721 [yells louder] No! 1422 01:06:26,754 --> 01:06:27,922 - You okay? - Yeah. 1423 01:06:27,956 --> 01:06:29,557 - [Mike yelling] - Get inside. 1424 01:06:29,591 --> 01:06:31,559 But Burny just crashed his Truckster into the Moviemobile! 1425 01:06:31,593 --> 01:06:34,394 As a distraction so you guys can get inside. 1426 01:06:34,428 --> 01:06:36,330 So get inside. 1427 01:06:43,805 --> 01:06:47,207 Oh, this stupid car hit my truck! 1428 01:06:49,376 --> 01:06:52,814 I only had eight more payments on it! 1429 01:06:54,616 --> 01:06:55,984 Only eight! 1430 01:06:57,284 --> 01:06:59,319 Oh, my God! 1431 01:07:01,154 --> 01:07:04,592 Hey, Pat Benatar. This is a rated R movie. Can't come in here. 1432 01:07:04,626 --> 01:07:06,360 Some guy just crashed into the Moviemobile. 1433 01:07:06,393 --> 01:07:09,664 No way, really?! Ha ha! There is a God! 1434 01:07:09,697 --> 01:07:11,164 [both giggling] 1435 01:07:11,198 --> 01:07:14,201 Come here, yeah. [muttering] 1436 01:07:14,234 --> 01:07:17,005 Here! Sorry. Excuse me. 1437 01:07:17,037 --> 01:07:18,038 Excuse me. 1438 01:07:20,642 --> 01:07:22,175 Holy shit. 1439 01:07:22,209 --> 01:07:25,813 That was the most amazing thing I ever saw. 1440 01:07:25,847 --> 01:07:28,616 You totally tore that asshole a new asshole. 1441 01:07:28,650 --> 01:07:31,853 He deserves it. I hate bullies. 1442 01:07:34,154 --> 01:07:36,558 You're amazing. Melody Barnegat. 1443 01:07:41,763 --> 01:07:42,897 Took all day. 1444 01:07:43,831 --> 01:07:45,033 But here we are. 1445 01:07:49,938 --> 01:07:52,874 We're finally gonna see our 4:30 movie, 1446 01:07:52,907 --> 01:07:54,642 and nobody's gonna stop us. 1447 01:07:54,676 --> 01:07:55,910 Is that so? 1448 01:07:57,444 --> 01:07:58,813 Mom? 1449 01:07:58,846 --> 01:08:00,247 What the hell are you doing here? 1450 01:08:01,281 --> 01:08:02,817 We're here to see Astro Blaster. 1451 01:08:02,850 --> 01:08:04,586 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1452 01:08:04,619 --> 01:08:07,522 This isn't Astro Blaster. This is Bucklick, 1453 01:08:07,555 --> 01:08:09,389 and Bucklick is rated R. 1454 01:08:09,423 --> 01:08:12,225 Ooh, what are you doing here, Melody? 1455 01:08:12,259 --> 01:08:13,427 Bucklick is rated R. 1456 01:08:13,460 --> 01:08:15,029 She said she's gonna see Astro Blaster, 1457 01:08:15,063 --> 01:08:17,832 but she's sneaking into R- rated movies with this guy. 1458 01:08:17,865 --> 01:08:20,902 Oh, so much drama. We're supposed to be seeing a comedy. 1459 01:08:20,935 --> 01:08:23,571 - [stammers] - See, this is why I told you we should have gone home 1460 01:08:23,605 --> 01:08:25,405 when Poltergeist 2 wasn't playing, but... 1461 01:08:27,474 --> 01:08:28,543 Wait a minute. 1462 01:08:29,577 --> 01:08:32,580 You came to see Poltergeist 2 with Aunt Connie? 1463 01:08:32,614 --> 01:08:34,616 You said you had to see it with me. 1464 01:08:34,649 --> 01:08:36,383 Okay, don't-don't turn this around, okay? 1465 01:08:36,416 --> 01:08:37,819 You're the one in trouble here, missy. 1466 01:08:39,286 --> 01:08:42,289 I will deal you after Bucklick. 1467 01:08:42,322 --> 01:08:44,726 Get the hell out of here before I call the manager and have you banned. 1468 01:08:44,759 --> 01:08:47,260 This is so unfair. 1469 01:08:47,294 --> 01:08:49,229 [sighs] Can you believe this? 1470 01:08:49,262 --> 01:08:51,099 I mean, it's kind of cute. 1471 01:08:52,466 --> 01:08:54,702 - Your mom looks pretty pissed. - She's pissed? 1472 01:08:54,736 --> 01:08:56,571 Well, I'm pissed too. Who does she think she is, 1473 01:08:56,604 --> 01:08:59,373 yelling at me in front of you and everybody in the theater? 1474 01:08:59,406 --> 01:09:01,876 She's the one trying to see Poltergeist 2 without me. 1475 01:09:01,909 --> 01:09:03,276 - [inhales] - What do you wanna do? 1476 01:09:03,310 --> 01:09:06,581 Have sex and get pregnant. That'll show her. 1477 01:09:06,614 --> 01:09:09,149 - If that's what you need... - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. 1478 01:09:09,182 --> 01:09:10,918 Yeah. Wait, are you sure? 1479 01:09:10,952 --> 01:09:12,920 [exhales] Let's go. 1480 01:09:12,954 --> 01:09:16,124 She treats me like I'm a baby. 1481 01:09:16,156 --> 01:09:17,959 I can't stand it. 1482 01:09:17,992 --> 01:09:20,895 Shouldn't we get you home so you don't get in trouble? 1483 01:09:20,928 --> 01:09:22,362 No, I'm already in trouble. 1484 01:09:23,296 --> 01:09:26,701 And the minute I get home, I'm gonna be grounded for the rest of my life. 1485 01:09:28,102 --> 01:09:29,103 [sighs] 1486 01:09:33,306 --> 01:09:35,143 So I might as well enjoy today. 1487 01:09:37,477 --> 01:09:38,546 Race you! 1488 01:09:39,479 --> 01:09:40,848 - [chuckles] - What? What? 1489 01:09:47,955 --> 01:09:50,223 [panting] 1490 01:09:51,125 --> 01:09:53,127 [Melody] Doesn't it feel great to run? 1491 01:09:55,395 --> 01:09:57,865 Says someone on cross country. 1492 01:09:57,899 --> 01:10:00,668 I think I'm having a heart attack. 1493 01:10:00,702 --> 01:10:03,203 [laughs] Raise your arms above your head. 1494 01:10:06,674 --> 01:10:07,675 Yeah. 1495 01:10:13,213 --> 01:10:16,416 You ever think about what you wanna be when you grow up, Brian David? 1496 01:10:18,318 --> 01:10:19,352 Sometimes. 1497 01:10:20,688 --> 01:10:22,657 What do you wanna be? 1498 01:10:24,491 --> 01:10:25,927 I wanna be a dean. 1499 01:10:27,494 --> 01:10:29,697 Like a dean at a college? 1500 01:10:31,065 --> 01:10:33,000 You wanna be the guy that's always giving 1501 01:10:33,034 --> 01:10:35,002 Animal House a hard time? 1502 01:10:35,036 --> 01:10:36,104 No. 1503 01:10:37,370 --> 01:10:39,140 I wanna be the girl that's always giving 1504 01:10:39,173 --> 01:10:40,708 Animal House a hard time. 1505 01:10:43,544 --> 01:10:46,581 I never knew anybody who wanted to be a dean. 1506 01:10:46,614 --> 01:10:47,682 That's so... 1507 01:10:49,183 --> 01:10:50,084 weird. 1508 01:10:52,019 --> 01:10:54,055 So what do you wanna do? 1509 01:10:54,088 --> 01:10:55,923 - Well... - And don't say me. 1510 01:11:01,963 --> 01:11:03,231 I wanna be a writer. 1511 01:11:04,297 --> 01:11:05,398 Well, I think. 1512 01:11:05,432 --> 01:11:07,034 I can see that. 1513 01:11:10,037 --> 01:11:11,672 I love to read the stuff you wrote 1514 01:11:11,706 --> 01:11:13,207 in my yearbook last summer. 1515 01:11:13,241 --> 01:11:14,509 [Brian chuckles] 1516 01:11:14,542 --> 01:11:16,343 - What? - You started out making fun 1517 01:11:16,376 --> 01:11:17,879 of what everybody else said. 1518 01:11:18,780 --> 01:11:20,447 You wrote... 1519 01:11:20,480 --> 01:11:22,415 - "Have a great summer." - [chuckles] 1520 01:11:22,449 --> 01:11:25,953 "See you over the summer. Summerly yours." 1521 01:11:26,921 --> 01:11:29,690 - And then I signed it "Summer." - [both laugh] 1522 01:11:29,724 --> 01:11:31,159 I was hysterical. 1523 01:11:34,562 --> 01:11:37,265 But then you filled a whole page 1524 01:11:37,297 --> 01:11:40,001 telling me how adorable I am. 1525 01:11:42,170 --> 01:11:44,772 And how I'm super nice and smart. 1526 01:11:48,509 --> 01:11:49,777 My mom read it. 1527 01:11:51,478 --> 01:11:53,080 And she said it was beautiful. 1528 01:11:56,017 --> 01:12:00,121 So, yeah, you're totally gonna be a writer someday. 1529 01:12:02,290 --> 01:12:03,191 Man. 1530 01:12:05,259 --> 01:12:06,727 I-- How do you-- 1531 01:12:06,761 --> 01:12:08,095 You're always so positive. 1532 01:12:09,096 --> 01:12:10,932 Not as much as I'm not negative. 1533 01:12:12,332 --> 01:12:14,735 Does anything make you sad? 1534 01:12:14,769 --> 01:12:17,104 Like, what about nuclear war? 1535 01:12:18,471 --> 01:12:20,908 If the Russians dropped the bomb on us today, 1536 01:12:20,942 --> 01:12:22,342 my mom can't ground me. 1537 01:12:24,278 --> 01:12:27,315 See, you do that. You're-- 1538 01:12:27,347 --> 01:12:28,816 You're all about the silver lining. 1539 01:12:30,117 --> 01:12:31,986 Like... 1540 01:12:32,019 --> 01:12:33,855 everything went wrong for me today. 1541 01:12:34,956 --> 01:12:38,693 But then you came along and made it all better. 1542 01:12:40,027 --> 01:12:42,296 If everything went right today, 1543 01:12:42,330 --> 01:12:44,332 you and me would be watching Bucklick. 1544 01:12:46,399 --> 01:12:48,401 But this is way better. 1545 01:12:50,204 --> 01:12:51,839 Or is it almost perfect? 1546 01:12:53,875 --> 01:12:54,809 Yeah? 1547 01:12:56,244 --> 01:12:57,245 Yeah. 1548 01:13:05,152 --> 01:13:06,187 Then... 1549 01:13:09,357 --> 01:13:12,827 Will you go out with me, Melody Barnegat? 1550 01:13:12,860 --> 01:13:15,329 We are out, Brian David. 1551 01:13:16,264 --> 01:13:17,865 I mean, as boyfriend-girlfriend. 1552 01:13:17,899 --> 01:13:19,700 I know what you meant. 1553 01:13:24,171 --> 01:13:25,438 But I don't know. 1554 01:13:31,444 --> 01:13:32,680 Is it 'cause I'm short? 1555 01:13:33,547 --> 01:13:35,349 Jesus. 1556 01:13:35,383 --> 01:13:37,818 Would you stop with that shit? 1557 01:13:37,852 --> 01:13:40,521 I don't think of you as short. 1558 01:13:40,554 --> 01:13:42,123 Then what do you think of me as? 1559 01:13:44,058 --> 01:13:45,626 I think of you as... 1560 01:13:48,329 --> 01:13:50,765 the most interesting guy I ever met. 1561 01:13:53,968 --> 01:13:55,803 All this stuff you talk about. 1562 01:13:57,738 --> 01:13:59,607 The way you see the world. 1563 01:14:00,775 --> 01:14:02,576 What you wrote in my yearbook. 1564 01:14:06,580 --> 01:14:07,915 You always make me think. 1565 01:14:09,884 --> 01:14:11,118 And laugh. 1566 01:14:12,520 --> 01:14:15,222 And you're like the funniest person I know. 1567 01:14:15,256 --> 01:14:16,257 Yeah? 1568 01:14:20,027 --> 01:14:21,796 The only place you come up short... 1569 01:14:22,997 --> 01:14:25,333 is in how little you know about girls. 1570 01:14:26,801 --> 01:14:29,136 Because I was gonna let you get to second base 1571 01:14:29,170 --> 01:14:30,938 in my pool last summer... 1572 01:14:32,106 --> 01:14:34,141 and then I never heard from you again. 1573 01:14:35,643 --> 01:14:36,944 Until today. 1574 01:14:36,978 --> 01:14:38,612 Yeah, but I-I've been thinking about you 1575 01:14:38,646 --> 01:14:39,914 ever since that day. 1576 01:14:39,947 --> 01:14:42,450 You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown. 1577 01:14:44,285 --> 01:14:48,522 You really expect me to believe you thought about me for an entire year? 1578 01:14:49,523 --> 01:14:51,092 Or ever? 1579 01:14:56,030 --> 01:14:57,999 Oh, my God. Are you, like, pulling it out? 1580 01:15:02,636 --> 01:15:03,971 Is that a tape recorder? 1581 01:15:05,006 --> 01:15:07,108 It's a writing thing. 1582 01:15:08,042 --> 01:15:10,411 I read that real writers use a tape recorder 1583 01:15:10,444 --> 01:15:12,713 to help them organize important thoughts. 1584 01:15:14,448 --> 01:15:15,983 Important thoughts like this. 1585 01:15:17,318 --> 01:15:19,253 - [clicks] - Beatbox Bri, take one! 1586 01:15:19,286 --> 01:15:21,122 - Um... Shit, uh... - [beatboxing on tape] 1587 01:15:21,155 --> 01:15:23,124 - Hold on, um. - [tape fast-forwards] 1588 01:15:23,157 --> 01:15:24,191 I meant this. 1589 01:15:26,761 --> 01:15:29,263 [Brian on tape] I finally called Melody Barnegat 1590 01:15:29,296 --> 01:15:32,033 and invited her out to the movies. Why... 1591 01:15:33,200 --> 01:15:34,568 you ask? [sighs] 1592 01:15:35,236 --> 01:15:36,303 One word. 1593 01:15:37,671 --> 01:15:38,672 Love. 1594 01:15:40,741 --> 01:15:42,843 I got a 24-karat case of love. 1595 01:15:42,877 --> 01:15:43,811 [clicks] 1596 01:15:50,184 --> 01:15:52,653 You're, like, the coolest girl I ever met. 1597 01:15:55,689 --> 01:15:59,493 And all I wanna do is watch movies with you. 1598 01:16:03,998 --> 01:16:06,535 I wanna watch movies with you too. 1599 01:16:10,738 --> 01:16:13,374 [both laugh] 1600 01:16:19,447 --> 01:16:22,450 [pop music playing] 1601 01:16:36,130 --> 01:16:39,568 So does this... mean we're boyfriend-girlfriend now? 1602 01:16:42,403 --> 01:16:44,738 I hope so. 1603 01:16:44,772 --> 01:16:47,741 [Brian] Because if I was ever gonna make a movie about today, 1604 01:16:47,775 --> 01:16:49,610 that's how I'd want the movie to end. 1605 01:16:50,744 --> 01:16:54,048 [Melody] Yeah? You think today could ever be a movie? 1606 01:16:55,249 --> 01:16:56,784 [Brian] As long as there are end credits, 1607 01:16:56,817 --> 01:16:58,385 and a song, 1608 01:16:58,419 --> 01:17:00,054 today could totally be a movie. 1609 01:17:03,224 --> 01:17:06,827 ["24 Karat Case of Love" by Brendan McCreary playing] 1610 01:17:10,297 --> 01:17:12,299 [Brian and Melody chattering, laughing] 1611 01:17:46,967 --> 01:17:48,269 [song ends] 1612 01:17:49,270 --> 01:17:50,504 Yes or no? 1613 01:17:51,506 --> 01:17:53,642 - I say yes. - Why? 1614 01:17:53,674 --> 01:17:55,843 Because I can tell you really wanna do it. 1615 01:17:55,876 --> 01:17:57,244 But what if I'm not good at it? 1616 01:17:57,278 --> 01:17:58,746 Then I can teach you. 1617 01:17:58,779 --> 01:18:00,114 I have experience. 1618 01:18:01,015 --> 01:18:03,417 And I'm like... a virgin. 1619 01:18:03,450 --> 01:18:04,785 - [boys laughing] - [Burny] Yeah! 1620 01:18:04,818 --> 01:18:06,187 You got that right. 1621 01:18:06,220 --> 01:18:07,589 Are we live? 1622 01:18:07,622 --> 01:18:09,757 [Burny and Belly] Yeah! 1623 01:18:09,790 --> 01:18:11,959 - Miss Melody. - Sir Burny. 1624 01:18:11,992 --> 01:18:15,129 - So, did he go in yet? - [Burny] Hmm? 1625 01:18:15,162 --> 01:18:18,098 - He's hesitating. - [boys sigh] 1626 01:18:18,132 --> 01:18:19,867 You got this. You just-- 1627 01:18:19,900 --> 01:18:22,970 - You get in there and you do it. - We'll watch. 1628 01:18:23,003 --> 01:18:25,674 Well, I definitely can't do it with everybody watching me. 1629 01:18:25,706 --> 01:18:28,976 Yes, you can. You're full of BDE. 1630 01:18:29,009 --> 01:18:29,910 Hmm? 1631 01:18:31,646 --> 01:18:33,280 Brian David Energy. 1632 01:18:33,314 --> 01:18:34,549 [laughter] 1633 01:18:34,583 --> 01:18:36,784 [Burny] That's cute. 1634 01:18:36,817 --> 01:18:39,320 Come on, Bri, bubby. The sooner you get this over with, 1635 01:18:39,353 --> 01:18:41,523 the sooner we get to go to the diner where I have a pork roll, 1636 01:18:41,556 --> 01:18:43,357 egg and cheese with my name on it. Mm? 1637 01:18:43,390 --> 01:18:45,560 They can write "asshole" on a kaiser roll? 1638 01:18:45,594 --> 01:18:47,161 [Burny chuckles] 1639 01:18:47,194 --> 01:18:49,496 See, you're funny, but you're lucky, right? 1640 01:18:49,531 --> 01:18:51,700 You're lucky that I have as much respect as I do 1641 01:18:51,732 --> 01:18:53,635 for the lovely Miss Melody here. 1642 01:18:53,668 --> 01:18:56,671 Otherwise, I-I just might have to put the Grip of Death on you. 1643 01:18:56,705 --> 01:18:58,339 - Oh, yeah! Are we wrestling? - No! 1644 01:18:58,372 --> 01:18:59,974 - No. No, we're not. - We're not. 1645 01:19:00,007 --> 01:19:01,375 - No, we're not. We're not. - Nobody's wrestling, all right? 1646 01:19:01,408 --> 01:19:03,444 Take it to DEFCON 5, WarGames. 1647 01:19:05,346 --> 01:19:06,847 You ready to do this? 1648 01:19:09,116 --> 01:19:10,552 I'm nervous. 1649 01:19:10,585 --> 01:19:11,852 [Burny] Jesus, Bri, 1650 01:19:11,885 --> 01:19:14,388 we're not talking about circumcision here. 1651 01:19:14,421 --> 01:19:16,924 You're just applying for a shitty job. 1652 01:19:16,957 --> 01:19:19,093 You go in there, you fill out the bullshit form, 1653 01:19:19,126 --> 01:19:21,596 you come out, we go eat. Right? 1654 01:19:24,898 --> 01:19:26,701 What do you think, babe? 1655 01:19:26,735 --> 01:19:28,737 Yeah, come on, babe. What do you think? 1656 01:19:28,769 --> 01:19:31,706 - Yeah. babe. - Mmm. Yeah, babe. What's up, babe? 1657 01:19:32,540 --> 01:19:33,807 Uh... 1658 01:19:39,313 --> 01:19:40,515 It can wait. 1659 01:19:40,548 --> 01:19:44,084 ["24 Karat Case of Love" resumes playing] 1660 01:22:43,163 --> 01:22:46,801 [saxophone solo] 1661 01:24:23,831 --> 01:24:30,237 [singer vocalizing] 1662 01:24:33,908 --> 01:24:35,543 [song fades] 1663 01:24:37,879 --> 01:24:40,882 [soft music playing] 1664 01:25:13,948 --> 01:25:15,148 [music fades] 1665 01:25:18,452 --> 01:25:20,922 [military music playing] 1666 01:25:20,955 --> 01:25:23,958 Welcome to Atlantic Cinemas 1667 01:25:23,992 --> 01:25:25,960 where the movies come to-- 1668 01:25:25,994 --> 01:25:27,762 [laughing] I'm sorry! 1669 01:25:27,795 --> 01:25:29,463 - Want some? - I'm okay. 1670 01:25:29,496 --> 01:25:30,464 [laughs] 1671 01:25:30,497 --> 01:25:31,766 [lighter lid closes] 1672 01:25:31,799 --> 01:25:33,266 [crew] Resetting. We're rolling. 1673 01:25:35,469 --> 01:25:38,106 - [grunts] - [imitating Brian] "Pork chops and applesauce." 1674 01:25:39,073 --> 01:25:40,074 God. 1675 01:25:41,441 --> 01:25:45,079 - [laughter] - [crew indistinct] 1676 01:25:46,179 --> 01:25:48,549 - [laughs] Ow. - Oh, sorry. 1677 01:25:48,583 --> 01:25:49,751 - No! - Ah! 1678 01:25:49,784 --> 01:25:50,818 [both yell] 1679 01:25:50,852 --> 01:25:52,252 [laughs] 1680 01:25:53,855 --> 01:25:55,123 Please suck it still. 1681 01:25:55,857 --> 01:25:58,826 You're pulling your pud in public? 1682 01:25:58,860 --> 01:26:01,095 - Can I try that one more time? - [laughs] 1683 01:26:01,129 --> 01:26:04,065 It's Major Murder! 1684 01:26:04,098 --> 01:26:05,733 - [engine sputters] - Whoa! 1685 01:26:05,767 --> 01:26:07,802 Is this thing on?! 1686 01:26:07,835 --> 01:26:11,139 'Cause I got something to say to all the sissy civilians out there. 1687 01:26:13,173 --> 01:26:15,143 [blows air with a squeak] Sorry. So sorry. 1688 01:26:15,175 --> 01:26:17,578 - [laughter] - And-and what would that be, Major? 1689 01:26:17,612 --> 01:26:18,813 [Major Murder] I forgot! 1690 01:26:18,846 --> 01:26:20,347 Yes, Virginia, 1691 01:26:20,380 --> 01:26:23,183 you'd be better off believing in Santa Claus 1692 01:26:23,216 --> 01:26:24,519 than that slam tam... 1693 01:26:24,552 --> 01:26:26,154 [speaks gibberish] 1694 01:26:26,186 --> 01:26:30,024 Because Shamwell is a sham! 1695 01:26:30,058 --> 01:26:31,826 - [huffs air] - [snort of laughter] 1696 01:26:31,859 --> 01:26:33,594 A man of few words but powerful words. 1697 01:26:33,628 --> 01:26:34,796 [Major Murder] That's enough. 1698 01:26:34,829 --> 01:26:36,898 Have fun. Don't run. 1699 01:26:38,166 --> 01:26:39,366 She's my ex. 1700 01:26:41,135 --> 01:26:43,604 Two hundred "Our Father's"! 1701 01:26:43,638 --> 01:26:46,107 A Morton's jelly donut. [scoffs] 1702 01:26:46,140 --> 01:26:48,208 Jesus Christ! 1703 01:26:48,241 --> 01:26:50,277 You like this? This is real too. 1704 01:26:50,310 --> 01:26:53,614 I got this from the President of the United States of-- 1705 01:26:53,648 --> 01:26:54,949 Look at these nuts. 1706 01:26:54,982 --> 01:26:56,818 Damn it, man! Why? 1707 01:26:56,851 --> 01:26:58,186 [Astro Blaster] Back on Earth... 1708 01:26:58,218 --> 01:27:00,320 [laughter] 1709 01:27:00,353 --> 01:27:02,790 One more time. Damn it, man! Why? 1710 01:27:02,824 --> 01:27:05,626 - Did you... get it in yet? - Hmm? 1711 01:27:05,660 --> 01:27:07,061 [Melody] Mm-mm. He's hesitating. 1712 01:27:07,095 --> 01:27:08,529 - [groans] - [man] Wait, what?! 1713 01:27:08,563 --> 01:27:10,397 - [laughter] - He cut straight to it, 1714 01:27:10,430 --> 01:27:11,431 - didn't he? - [Brian] Didn't you get-- 1715 01:27:13,400 --> 01:27:15,368 You Three Stooges are banned for life! 1716 01:27:15,402 --> 01:27:18,506 - [Burny] Eat shit! - [laughing] Not today. 1717 01:27:18,539 --> 01:27:19,907 Who are you, Father Ka-rass? 1718 01:27:19,941 --> 01:27:21,241 Ah! Not Father "Ka-rass." 1719 01:27:21,274 --> 01:27:22,409 Karras. Blah. 1720 01:27:22,442 --> 01:27:24,411 I'm the leader of the beavers. 1721 01:27:24,444 --> 01:27:25,747 Nice. 1722 01:27:25,780 --> 01:27:28,381 - Yes, it is. - That's actually-- 1723 01:27:28,415 --> 01:27:30,918 I kind of consider myself the same thing, doing what I do. 1724 01:27:30,952 --> 01:27:33,221 - Is that right? Well... - Yeah. It's pretty-- 1725 01:27:33,253 --> 01:27:35,322 You got a lot of ladies here, huh? 1726 01:27:35,355 --> 01:27:36,456 No. 1727 01:27:37,424 --> 01:27:40,661 [Kevin Smith] Jesus Christ, fewer things in life could be more perfect than that. 1728 01:27:40,695 --> 01:27:42,196 Give it up for the boys! 1729 01:27:42,230 --> 01:27:45,967 [cheers and applause]126696